COYOTE AND ROAD RUNNER
Am I the first person you've snuck into Seattle?
Don't worry. I've done this a bunch of times.
It's gonna be all right.
Fire!
[gasping]
[banging on van]
CP403 DISASTER RELIEF
CHECKPOINT
-I'm freaking out. I can't-- -Hey, look at me.
I've done this a million times.
You got this.
So now, Harrison Ford loves millennials and haunted houses.
Hold on, what's this?
"Don E and DJ Deep Cuts present 'Scratch-Up'
Human vs. Zombie Night every Tuesday night at The Scratching Post.
Can't we all just get along?"
This can't be real.
Very real. Very tone-deaf.
Very much in their wheelhouse.
Exploiting the fragile state of human-zombie relations
for a topical dance theme?
Blaine must be really hard-up for business.
Or, you know, he's Blaine.
CRIME SCENE DO NOT CROSS
Excuse me.
The victim was shot through the heart.
Point blank range. Execution style.
The bullet is lodged in the wall, there.
One in the chamber.
Right through the chamber.
Heart chamber. Medical humor.
The best jokes are the ones you have to explain.
Sick burn.
Ballistics should be able to match the bullets to a firearm
and narrow down the murder weapon, but that's all we got.
I'm gonna need your A-game on this one, Liv,
even though you don't have much to go on. Literally.
Most of the victim's brain is missing.
What do you mean "missing"?
I mean, someone tried to steal the whole kit 'n' caboodle, but got interrupted.
So all you have to work with is...
the "kit."
That does not look good for human-zombie relations.
[theme music playing]
THE BEGINNING
THE INFECTION
THE TRANSFORMATION
THE EX-FIANCE
THE BEST FRIEND
THE PROPHET
THE ALLY
THE PARTNER
...BUT I'M A ZOMBIE
IZOMBIE
IF I ONLY HAD A BRAIN Clive's theory holds,
whoever did this was acting fast and loose with one hell of a bone saw.
The murder was so clean.
Why was the brain-robbing such a mess?
Could've been different culprits.
One guy's whack is another's snack. Ready to have your minds blown?
Sorry, scratch that.
-Come on, mate. -Too soon, bro.
Yeah.
I got an ID on our murder victim.
Annie Wallace. 25 years old, from Johnson County, Kansas,
where she was living until three days ago.
Her parents reported her missing yesterday.
And from a preliminary investigation into her recent Internet searches,
as well as a transfer of $25,000 into an untraceable account.
It's looking like Annie hired a Coyote to smuggle her into Seattle.
Why? She was perfectly healthy. No need to be zombified.
Something must've brought her here that was worth dying for.
Something, or someone...
There's a Seattle number that Annie called and texted non-stop.
A guy named Allan Fox.
Not sure what their relationship was,
but transcripts are on their way in, along with Mr. Fox himself.
So you might wanna make yourself a little snack.
It will be just a little snack,
thank you very much. Because this has to last me a week.
Don't you always say you wish you were on a diet?
I am kidding!
I am mocking people who say that.
That's how anti-diet I am.
I have bits about my hatred of that lifestyle choice!
All right. You are hangry and you haven't even started.
[door closes] [gasps]
[Liv] Wow. Allan Fox.
Did my heart love till now?
-Forswear it, sight... -Liv?
For I never saw true beauty, till this...
Liv! Liv!
Was that a vision?
Yes, he is.
Is this about Annie?
She tried to cross into Seattle, didn't she?
Why don't you take a seat, Allan.
She did.
I warned her. I said, "Annie, don't do it! Don't..."
How do you know Ms. Wallace?
We met online about a month ago.
Well, 29 days, 18 hours and 30...
six seconds ago, but who's counting, right?
[chuckles]
And how did you two meet exactly?
We met in a Bridget Jones' Diary chat room.
Go on.
Oh, boy.
There's a lot of rom-com obsessed women on those sites,
but Annie was different.
You know, she... I mean, sure, she was a hopeless romantic like me.
A hopeless romantic, huh?
But we were both after for the real thing. True love.
Can't sleep, keep you up at night,
inconvenient, all-consuming,
lose your job and who cares anyway because who needs another telemarketer.
Yeah, I think we get it.
Love.
A lot of women who love Bridget Jones
say they want a Mark Darcy,
but are really hung up on a Daniel Cleaver.
Or worse, a Daniel Cleaver who's posing as a Mark Darcy.
-The worst. -Right? Yeah.
But I'm a real Mark Darcy.
-And Annie sees that. -Saw that.
Oh, my goodness. I guess we're just finishing each other's sentences.
Looking at these texts,
you've been planning your wedding, your honeymoon, your kids' names,
even though you've only known each other for a month
and never met face-to-face.
You know how crazy that sounds?
Sounds like true love.
It is.
We're soulmates.
Then why did you tell her not to come to Seattle?
"I mean it. Don't come here, Annie."
"Don't come to Seattle."
"Seriously, coming to Seattle would be a terrible idea."
She talked about sneaking into Seattle all the time,
thought it would be romantic.
But she doesn't live here, she doesn't know how dangerous it is.
I tried to dissuade her all the time
without getting into the gritty details,
but it sounds like it didn't work?
So, where is she now? Is she back in Kansas?
Is she in a holding cell?
Can I see her?
Is she... Is she in trouble?
She's not in trouble, Allan.
She's dead.
[chuckles nervously]
Dead? No.
No.
No!
Why don't we take five?
CRAZY STUPID LIV
It's just not fair.
Tomorrow is our month anniversary.
I understand.
Most of my boyfriends have died in terrible ways too.
But who knows,
maybe you'll find someone new.
Sooner than you think.
Maybe they're right in front of your face, and you don't even know it.
[blowing nose]
Sorry, there was a bug.
Hey, I have an idea.
Why don't you meet me tonight at The Scratching Post?
I just want to be alone.
Watch The Notebook.
"If you're a bird, I'm a bird."
What?
Sorry, the bug was back.
It was a spider and it was pregnant, so...
Oh, my God! Did you get it?
Yeah, yeah. No. I saw it hobble off.
-I maimed it, we're good. -Where?
Over there.
Allan. Allan. I know you're going through a lot right now,
but human-zombie night at The Scratching Post
is only once a week.
And I think Annie would want you to find your next Bridget Jones, don't you?
I think she'd want me to wait a day.
[door opens]
Allan.
You're free to go for now, but don't travel far.
Not that you can.
So, see you tonight?
-[door closes] -Oh.
Am I fatter than Annie?
Liv, I know you're on a flighty romantic brain,
but I need you to focus.
You cannot see Allan outside of this case.
I think he may be our guy.
But I'm 100% sure he's innocent.
Based on what?
The fact that he may be my future soulmate!
He may be a future inmate, Liv!
You've known him for 45 minutes!
I'm not going down this rabbit hole with you.
We need to find Annie's coyote.
He was one of the last people to see her alive,
so he may have seen her killer, too.
Problem is, coyotes aren't generally that easy to find.
Love always finds a way.
Actually, I may know someone.
I'll try to get a hold of her.
-Sir. -Not a good time, Major.
There's been a scratching.
An accidental one.
I've been trying to get to you for days.
Your office won't give me ten seconds.
If Alice can resist your charms, she's better than I thought she was.
-What am I looking at? -A lawsuit.
Our cadet, Jordan Gladwell,
accidentally scratched an aggressive human during a call.
Now, his family is suing her for wrongful death.
She's panicking.
Plus, Fillmore-Graves is listed as a defendant.
Good luck with that.
I'm more concerned with the extra mouth I have to feed.
There's also a video.
She scratched him in rage mode.
In uniform.
Has it been leaked?
Not yet.
Keep it that way.
Yes, sir.
Thank you, Alice.
Morning.
I found this on my windshield an hour ago.
THE DARWIN PROJECT WE CAN HELP YOU! Has anyone heard of it?
Apparently, "The Darwin Project" is offering
unimaginable wealth to zombies willing to try to escape Seattle
and volunteer their bodies for research.
They could be a pharmaceutical company.
They could be another terrorist organization.
They could be a rag-tag team of indie filmmakers.
I don't know.
I don't care.
I just want them snuffed out.
Sir. All due respect,
zombies leaving Seattle is the U.S. Army's problem.
We need to be laser focused on our very massive brain shortage.
It's serious.
We've got undocumented humans being scratched by coyotes.
Fewer humans than we expected are donating their brains,
and those brains that do come our way,
too many are falling off the trucks.
How long do we have?
Four to six months.
That's when we'll start seeing mass starvation,
zombies turning.
Look,
no one's gonna blame you for The Darwin Project,
but you're supposed to feed these people.
And if you fail in that,
the 10,000 zombies we made will come for your head.
[footsteps approaching]
Chase Graves is here.
Is that normal?
Should I bring him a hooker?
I'm good with water.
Thank you.
[clears throat]
Little dark in here.
It's a basement.
I'm referring to the ambiance.
The look, the touch, the smell.
-The smell? -Decay.
-Rot. -We're dead, Chase.
Maybe that's your upper lip.
Look, I don't have anything for you at the moment.
Well, I have something for you.
A decorator?
Have you heard of a coyote who calls himself "Renegade"?
No.
Renegade's operation turns more humans into zombies
than all other coyote outfits combined.
The city's brain rations are suffering as a result,
which means that shutting down Renegade is a top priority.
So here's the deal.
You bring me Renegade,
and you can go back to running your establishments in peace.
And I'd never have to deal with you ever again?
Consider it your final favor.
Consider it done.
[chuckles]
TO THE LADLE FROM THE GRAVE
Get ready to get happy, my friend,
because I have got some real beauties for you today.
I have medulla, frontal, occipital, and cerebellum.
I have brain stem and one last basal ganglia.
No temporal lobe?
Just sold out of temporal.
Sold out? Who got first dibs?
I got a big order this week from Le Dome, okay?
Hey, you want to put in an advance order, be my guest.
Gimme the profiles.
And a free sample or two
before I take my business elsewhere.
Romeros does not take Le Dome's sloppy seconds.
Ooh. Hit me with some of that mime brain.
That
is mime medulla with just a splash of cortisol from the adrenal gland.
I'm just kidding, it hasn't kicked in yet.
But I do love mimes. That's good blue brain material.
What else is good?
Catch of the day.
I like that.
That makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. Which one is that?
Love-struck Midwestern belle...
MIKE STABLER ANNIE WALLACE
with a heart of gold.
No relation to the dead girl of the same name
that everyone's freaking out about.
I'll take the whole thing.
Or whatever's left.
My supplier said it was a bit of a rush job.
-That's it? -Yeah, that's it.
Next time, don't take the business with the competition.
So sensitive. What are you, my girlfriend?
Okay, okay. You know what?
I'm gonna throw in a little architect brain, on the house.
Pun intended, very creative, very fun.
You see?
That's customer service.
Dalton. Got a minute?
You deal directly with the coyotes, right?
You buy from them, and you sell to whoever you sell to.
Blaine, you know I always come to you guys first,
but Le Dome cleaned me out this week.
Somebody had a sweet 16 at Fillmore-Graves and--
You ever deal with a coyote named Renegade?
-I've heard of her. -Her?
Yeah, that's the word.
But, you know, her clients always make it to Seattle alive,
so our paths have no cause for crossing.
You know anybody who deals with her directly or knows her at all?
No, she's not really in our circles.
But, actually--
Yeah, you know,
when I was at Le Dome earlier, I overheard this new zombie
at the bar. He was flapping his lips about how he jumped the wall
when he was at death's door, and how some old broad
scratched him and saved his life.
Okay. Bring me that guy,
and you can add two zeroes to whatever you just charged us.
Hey, sure thing, boss.
And Dalton?
I don't care if the Sultan of Malaysia's having a bar mitzvah,
you never, and I mean never,
go to Le Dome before us.
Thank God you're here!
What's going on? Are you okay?
Liv is insisting I go with her to human-zombie night
at The Scratching Post.
She said she met her "soulmate" today
and he'll be there, but it sounds like he's a murder suspect
she talked to for an hour?
What brain is she on?
Hopeless romantic with a penchant for rom-coms.
I caught her practicing meet cutes today with a corpse.
You gotta wing-man me then.
I can't go alone to Blaine's club.
There's not enough alcohol in the world.
I am flattered.
Really, it's an honor to just be nominated.
But I nearly killed myself rushing over,
because when I get a text that says, "Emergency! Come over!"
I expect a degree of life-or-death stakes,
not a night out at "da club."
So, hard pass.
No, no.
[door slams]
-You have to come. -You can't make me!
Ravi.
You're coming!
Ravi, are you coming with us?
This is gonna be so much fun!
You're not wearing that, are you?
Yeah, that's just it.
I haven't a thing to wear.
So, very sadly, looks like I'm gonna have to sit this one out.
Unless,
we do a make-over.
What?
Make-over, make-over, make-over!
[upbeat music playing]
[both exclaim]
-No, no, no, no, no. -All right.
-Uh-huh. Uh-huh. -Okay.
I love it.
Oh, yes!
[cheering]
Ooh.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
[song stops]
What is going on here?
Dude. My shirt!
Sorry, mate. Fashion casualty.
We're going to human-zombie night at The Scratching Post.
Why? Major.
There is no easy way to tell you this,
but I've met someone.
And I think he may be the love of my life.
[whispers] She's crazy.
[sighs]
I've had a very long day,
unsuccessfully tracking down an incriminating video.
Plus we're in a fight,
so I'm gonna go make myself a burrito.
He is so brave.
START A LOVE BRAIN, LOVE BRAIN
[dance music playing]
I don't think he's here yet.
Well, I need a drink. Shall we?
Yeah, actually, I think I might take this make-over out for a quick spin first.
-So... -You have to save me!
I'll see you in a few!
[shouts excitedly]
Scratch-Up forever!
-Is Blaine here? -No.
Good.
Shot of tequila. Then turn up this song. It kicks ass.
-And... -I'll have what she's having.
I can't wait to see Allan and look deeply, sensually, into his eyes.
Wanna open a tab?
Blaine lets us drink here for free.
Uh...
I can feel it, Peyton.
The twirling forces of fate and destiny,
burning inside me,
-tickling my loins... -Like bad sushi.
We should go on a double date next week.
Does Derek like picnics?
Keep 'em coming.
What do you think is more romantic?
A spring wedding, or a fall wedding?
-Of course, you'd be my maid of honor. -[mouths] Save me.
-[mouths] Sorry. -I'm thinking...
nectar for the dresses,
that would look good with your skin tone, yeah?
Liv, it's getting pretty late.
Fashionably late.
Classic Allan.
Do you think there's anywhere to honeymoon in Seattle,
that doesn't feel like, "Help, I'm trapped here forever"?
You've met him once.
He's human.
And he probably murdered his last girlfriend.
Nobody's perfect!
-Liv. -Peyton.
Human-zombie relationships can work.
Look at Blive and Cozzio, you know?
I'd rather read a book.
THE SCRATCHING POST
You know, I thought you and Ravi had true love.
[scoffs]
No.
[all cheering]
Definitely not.
Let's go dance.
I'm afraid if I dance, I'll miss Allan coming in.
Or I will vomit.
Okay.
[Liv] I thought Allan was my soulmate.
But maybe Peyton was right.
Maybe Allan is just a murder suspect who's just not that into me.
Hey!
-Let's go. -What?
No! You haven't danced!
We just requested your favorite song!
I don't know. I just feel stupid.
Like I'm the biggest loser in here.
You are not the biggest loser in here!
Ravi, show her.
See?
This robot is the biggest loser here!
That was a robot?
[song changes]
They're playing it!
-Let's dance! -Come on!
[song changes]
-I'm sorry. -Are you okay?
[Liv] And just like that,
I was shot with cupid's arrow.
Again!
Wow, this new person...
Did my heart love till now?
Forswear it, sight...
For I never saw true beauty,
-till... -So!
I see you're part of the blue crew.
We're twinsies.
I'm Liv.
-Tim. -Tim...
You're really beautiful.
Could this be it?
My one true love?
My soulmate?
Where'd Liv go?
Oh, there she...
Oh, my God!
It's like watching R2-D2 stick his extension arm into the Grand Canyon.
-Sick robot callback! -Oh!
MANIC PIXIE SCREAM GIRL
[screams]
Liv? What's wrong?
Tim wrote his number on my hand last night
and it smeared off and now it's gone!
Tim! Tim!
Liv. I'm sure you can find another way to contact him.
How? I don't know his last name.
I don't know where he works.
All I know is he has these piercing emerald eyes
and the smooth, velvety lips of a sex angel.
That's not exactly something you can Google, is it?
Not if you don't wanna see stuff you can't unsee.
Thus, with a kiss, I die.
Again!
Aren't you forgetting a certain
four letter word that starts with "F"?
Funk? Fart?
-I give up. -Fate.
If it's true love, you'll meet again, right?
Even if it means we go back to human-zombie night next week.
I actually had a surprisingly fun time.
And I like supporting you in your romantic endeavors
when you don't meet them through Clive's murder investigations.
Oh, no.
-What? -I almost forgot.
I saw Bozzio last night at The Scratching Post.
She was cheating on Clive.
That's terrible.
-You're sure? -Yeah.
You think he'd wanna know?
Clive won't eat soup dumplings because, "They have too many secrets."
So yeah, I do.
[groans]
Clive would want to know that Bozzio's being unfaithful.
So why does the thought of telling him leave my stomach in knots?
Because it'll break his heart.
Liv. Glad you're here. I wanna show you something.
Hi, Liv.
Dale. Cute name, Dale.
Always reminds of that mentally impaired cartoon chipmunk.
You know, the one who's always going on adventures with Chip,
but was really just the dead weight holding him back.
[chuckles]
Sorry, child of the '80s.
Way after your time.
Okay.
Fun talk. I will see you later?
Yeah.
You okay?
You seem tense.
I'm fine. Let's just focus on work.
I thought we were.
Remember that woman who I hoped would lead us to Annie's coyote?
Well, I left messages for her,
I even stopped by her place, and she's not answering.
So that's a no-go.
Well, I, on the other hand, found out something interesting.
Looks like Allan forgot to mention that he's a pretty avid gun collector.
He even moonlights as a shooting instructor on the weekends.
Who's Allan?
The guy you were in love with yesterday.
This guy.
Oh, right.
Daniel Cleaver posing as a Mark Darcy.
The worst.
Glad to hear you moved on.
Ballistics should have a report for us by tomorrow morning
with weapon matches from the bullets.
I'm anxious to see if they match any one of Allan's sundry guns.
Who's that?
[Clive] Oh, new uni.
Michelle, I think. Why?
She's pretty.
Okay.
Don't you think she's pretty?
-Okay. -Let's go introduce ourselves.
-Why? -It's a nice thing to do.
She's in the middle of training.
It'll take five seconds. Come on.
I bet she's smart too.
Kind. Confident.
The kind of girl who binges Game of Thrones and loves the Knicks.
Liv, why are you selling me this woman
like you're trying to set me up with her?
I'm not. I just think it's possible
that you would have a lot in common.
And I'm sure she could use a friend in the department.
She also looks like she'd make a great mother. Hi, sorry to interrupt.
I'm Olivia Moore and this is Detective Clive Babineaux.
Hi.
We just saw that you were new and wanted to introduce ourselves.
I work in the morgue,
and Clive is originally from Brooklyn.
He has an older sister, who he's very close with,
and he owns a condo downtown.
-Liv. -He's also very modest.
Much as I appreciate the warm welcome that I never received,
we're a little busy at the moment.
Liv. Come on.
Cop block.
-What did you say? -I said,
"How's your wife, Cavanaugh?"
Fine?
Don't worry. You got this.
You got this.
[gasps]
We call that a "brain vision." Chapter 14, section eight.
Cool. It's nice meeting you.
And your angry friend.
Liv, it better be a good one,
because I'm starting to forget why I put up with this.
I saw Annie's coyote.
And just like that, she lives another day.
I just think Clive's in denial.
I mean, I love the guy, but he has a lot of pride, you know?
Hair color.
Brown. Medium length. Pretty straightforward.
Unlike Bozzio, that two-timing wench.
Does this coyote have facial hair? Beard? Stubble? Whiskers?
-Get it? -'Cause coyotes have whiskers?
-Did he have a beard or not? -No.
Also, Clive did not seem totally opposed to the idea of Michelle.
He kind of pretended like he was,
but I know when he thinks someone's cute.
Any freckles? Moles? Defining characteristics?
A ton!
Clive's a catch! That's part of what makes this whole thing so upsetting.
He deserves to be happy.
Liv, we're so close.
Stay with me. Any facial marks, or blemishes.
He had a freckle on his left cheek bone, I think that's it.
[laughs]
[sighs]
I honestly wasn't sure if I was gonna make it home on this one.
This was my odyssey.
But... Here it is.
That's him. He's perfect.
You're into this human-zombie smuggler?
No, this is Tim.
My new boyfriend, and also probably the love of my life.
I thought the love of my life was this other guy, Allan,
but it turns out he was probably Annie's murderer.
Talk about sliding doors.
[tears paper]
[kisses]
[sighs]
But yeah, we should also knock out that coyote sketch while we're here.
Kiss me.
Kiss me as if it were the last time!
Fate. It could bring Tim and me together,
or tear us apart.
I wish I could just skip to the ending.
[cell phone vibrating]
UNKNOWN NUMBER DECLINE - ACCEPT
Hello?
I heard you were looking for me.
WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS
Rex said you needed my help on a murder case.
We're looking for the coyote who brought our victim into Seattle.
We're hoping he can ID the murderer.
Bruce.
He runs with a really bad crew.
Bad how?
They lure desperate people over the wall to kill them.
Steal their brains, their organs, their phones.
Empty their bank accounts.
Sometimes they'll ransom them to their loved ones at home.
But they never send them back.
You think this guy Bruce was trying to do all that?
That's hard to say.
What was her name? The victim.
Annie.
I wish she had found me instead.
How do I find Bruce?
Get lucky.
His people operate on the deep web.
Almost impossible to trace.
So what do we do?
[sighs]
We cry.
We mourn.
And we never forget the Annies.
Ever.
[woman gasping]
[screams in pain]
[gasps]
[footsteps approaching]
[clears throat]
Well, look what the cat dragged in.
Am I a man of my word?
A gentleman and a scholar.
This is Anthony. And Anthony, this is...
The blue brain guy! Can't wait!
What a place!
Last time I was in one of these joints was 20 years ago
when I cheated on my wife with a stripper.
Went by the name Roxy.
Gave me gonorrhea.
But hey, what doesn't kill ya, huh?
I love a man with a positive attitude.
[chuckles and sniffs]
Smells nice, what is that?
I'm getting cotton blossom with a hint of carrot cake.
Red pomegranate. Please.
Dalton just went to get some blue brains.
He'll be back soon.
So...
Dalton tells me you're new to the zombie lifestyle.
That's right. Suck it, Parkinson's!
[both laughing]
And you were scratched by the famous Renegade.
-Is that what they call her? -It is.
It is.
But I'm more interested in what they don't call her.
Her real name,
current base of operations, you know,
that sort of thing.
Huh.
Uh...
I swore not to reveal anything about her,
and, well, I owe that woman my life.
I heard you were blabbing your whole life story all over town.
That you're a man with no secrets.
Stuff about Renegade, that's not my secret to tell.
I'm no snitch.
You wouldn't have to be a snitch, Anthony.
But I think it's in your best interest,
but nobody's forcing you.
What's that?
So glad you asked.
[clears throat]
These are cures for the zombie disease.
Sixteen of them.
Bull-pucky.
Even if they are,
I'm not selling out Renegade for a cure.
Let me spell out your limited options.
You can stay a zombie
and we can do this the easy way.
Or...
We can turn you back into a human
and do it the hard way.
So, what'll it be?
The VC didn't get jack from me in 'Nam.
You won't be getting anything, either.
[chuckles]
[sighs]
[siren blaring]
Ballistics report came in.
None of Allan's guns were a match.
Looks like that coyote, Bruce, is our guy.
He was chasing her out of some building with an incinerator.
But that could be anywhere.
I figure this is where he caught up with her.
Liv.
[coughs]
This is it.
DUTCH
[door creaks]
[exclaims]
Liv.
Liv. Come here.
Looks like Bruce did this with all of his customers.
-And Annie was... -The one that got away.
Or almost got away.
We're dealing with a serial killer.
[Liv] And I thought fate was a bitch.
TO BE CONTINUED...