Announcer: TONIGHT, ON "LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS."
KALEY CUOCO. AUTHOR CAZZIE DAVIS. AN ALL NEW "CLOSER LOOK.
FEATURING THE 8G BAND WITH VALERIE FRANCO AND NOW, SETH MEYERS
Seth: GOOD EVENING. I'M SETH MEYERS AND THIS IS
"LATE NIGHT. HOW IS EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT THAT IS GREAT TO HEAR.
LET'S GET TO THE NEWS. PRESIDENT TRUMP TWEETED LAST NIGHT, "I WON THE ELECTION."
BUDDY, YOU'RE STILL TALKING ABOUT THAT THAT WAS FOUR YEARS AGO.
ALSO, WE HAD ANOTHER ELECTION, AND I HAVE TERRIBLE NEWS AFTER PRESIDENT TRUMP TWEETED
LAST NIGHT, "I WON THE ELECTION," TWITTER PUT A WARNING ON THE TWEET THAT SAID, QUOTE,
"OFFICIAL SOURCES CALLED THIS ELECTION DIFFERENTLY." WOW.
VERY PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE, TWITTER. NEXT, IT'S JUST GONNA BE, "AW,
BLESS HIS HEART. THERE ARE 65 DAYS UNTIL INAUGURATION DAY
THAT'S RIGHT 65 DAYS UNTIL ONE LUCKY AGENT WINS THE SECRET SERVICE LOTTERY.
IN A NEW INTERVIEW, FORMER PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA SAID IT'S TIME FOR PRESIDENT TRUMP TO
CONCEDE THE ELECTION OH, GOOD HE'LL LISTEN TO YOU.
AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, WE'LL SEND IN ROSIE O'DONNELL AND JONATHAN VAN NESS.
PRESIDENT TRUMP HAD LUNCH TODAY WITH VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE TRUMP HAD THE PANCAKES, WHILE
PENCE HAD A STRANGE FEELING THAT NONE OF THIS WAS WORTH IT. "ARE WE GOING TO STAY IN TOUCH,
SIR? "WHO THE [ BLEEP ] ARE YOU?" [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
WHITE HOUSE CORONAVIRUS TASK FORCE MEMBER DR. SCOTT ATLAS CALLED ON PEOPLE IN MICHIGAN TO,
QUOTE, "RISE UP" AGAINST NEW CORONAVIRUS RESTRICTIONS IS HE AN ACTUAL DOCTOR
OR IS THIS LIKE IN COMIC BOOKS WHERE "DOCTOR" JUST MEANS HE'S EVIL
YOU KNOW, BECAUSE NO ONE WOULD BE AFRAID OF A GUY WHO CALLED HIMSELF MR. OCTOPUS.
"AND IS THERE A MRS. OCTOPUS?" [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE AND
SECOND LADY KAREN PENCE ATTENDED THE SPACE-X ROCKET LAUNCH YESTERDAY IN FLORIDA
IT'S THE ONLY THING HE'S EVER WATCHED THAT HAD AN "X" IN IT. SONY'S PLAYSTATION 5 GAME
CONSOLE WAS RELEASED LAST WEEK, AND ALMOST IMMEDIATELY SOLD OUT IN THE U.S. AND JAPAN.
ALSO SELLING OUT IN THE U.S. AND JAPAN, ME. THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE
LAST NIGHT ISSUED A RARE TORNADO WARNING FOR MANHATTAN AND THE BRONX.
THOUGH, IN THE CASE OF THE BRONX, THE WARNING WAS FOR THE TORNADO.
"I WOULDN'T HANG AROUND THERE TOO LONG." BAYS, STOP WRITING JOKES THAT
WOULD BE BETTER FOR "DESUS & MERO." I KNOW YOU WANT TO WOR -- I WANT
TO WORK THERE, TOO YOUR PASSIVE AGGRESSION IS NOT APPRECIATED.
AND FINALLY, A MAN IN FLORIDA LAST WEEK WAS CHARGED WITH DISORDERLY CONDUCT, AFTER
THROWING A TANTRUM IN THE CHECKERS DRIVE-THRU BECAUSE HIS SANDWICH DIDN'T HAVE LETTUCE
WHEN THE OFFICERS SHOWED UP, THEY TOLD HIM TO ROMAINE CALM. THIS BRINGS US TO A SEGMENT
CALLED "ONE OF MY WRITERS EXPLAINS A JOKE.
Seth: HEY, EVERYONE, THIS IS MATT GOLDICH HI.
HI Seth: HI, BUDDY GOOD TO SEE YOU
Seth: SO, I'M GOING TO -- I'M JUST GOING TO READ THIS FOR YOU ONE MORE TIME.
A MAN IN FLORIDA LAST WEEK WAS CHARGED WITH DISORDERLY CONDUCT AFTER THROWING A TANTRUM IN THE
CHECKERS DRIVE-THRU BECAUSE HIS SANDWICH DIDN'T HAVE LETTUCE WHEN THE OFFICERS SHOWED UP,
THEY TOLD HIM TO ROMAINE CALM. SO YOU WANT TO TALK US THROUGH YOUR THOUGHT PROCESS HERE?
YEAH, I WOULD LOVE TO, SETH BUT I ACTUALLY DON'T WANT TO DO IT FOR MY ROMAINE JOKE, WHICH I
THINK WE ALL WOULD AGREE IS SOLID. I WANT TO DO IT FOR THE OTHER
JOKE THAT I WROTE. Seth: OH, PLEASE DON'T, MATT. NO, I WANT TO, BECAUSE I
THINK PEOPLE WILL AGREE THAT YOU WERE WRONG NOT TO DO IT. Seth: WELL, I THINK PEOPLE
WILL AGREE THAT I WAS RIGHT NOT TO DO IT SETH, WE COULD GO BACK AND
FORTH ALL DAY. THE ONLY SOLUTION IS TO LET ME TELL THE JOKE.
Seth: ALL RIGHT GO AHEAD, MATT TODAY WAS NATIONAL FRENCH DIP
DAY. BUT I STILL SAY AU JUS WILL NOT REPLACE US
Seth: WANT TO TALK US THROUGH THAT ONE, MATT WELL, SURE, YES
SO AS YOU'RE AWARE, A FRENCH DIP IS A SANDWICH. Seth: UH-HUH.
THAT COMES WITH A LITTLE POT OF DIPPING SAUCE CALLED AU JU OR AU JUS
Seth: MM-HMM. AND YOU MIGHT ALSO REMEMBER THE TIKI TORCH MARCHERS, WHO
MARCHED AROUND IN CHARLOTTESVILLE -- Seth: CHARLOTTESVILLE, SURE
CHANTING, "JEWS WILL NOT REPLACE US." AND YOU KNOW, NOW THAT TRUMP IS
NOT GOING TO BE THE PRESIDENT ANYMORE AND ANTI-SEMITISM AND WHITE SUPREMACY WILL NO LONGER
BE PROBLEMS IN AMERICA - [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] I FELT IT LIKE IT WAS THE TIME
TO MAKE A CUTE LITTLE PUN ABOUT IT INVOLVING ROAST BEEF SANDWICHES
Seth: I SHOULD NOTE, YOU HAD TO GET COVID TESTED TO COME IN AND EXPLAIN THIS JOKE.
I DID TWICE, ACTUALLY, YEAH. [ LAUGHTER ]
Seth: WELL, I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE IT WAS WORTH IT. GIVE IT UP FOR MATT GOLDICH,
EVERYBODY. * Announcer: THIS HAS BEEN "ONE
OF MY WRITERS EXPLAINS A JOKE. Seth: WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
KALEY CUOCO WILL BE HERE HER NEW SHOW "THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT" PREMIERES ON
THANKSGIVING OVER AT HBO MAX AND CAZZIE DAVID WILL BE HERE, AS WELL.
A VERY FUNNY WRITER AND ACTRESS, AND HER NEW BOOK, "NO ONE ASKED FOR THIS" IS OUT TOMORROW.
BUT BEFORE WE GET TO ALL THAT, THE OUTGOING PRESIDENT IS IRREVERSIBLY LIGHTING AMERIAN
DEMOCRACY ON FIRE, AS HIS ALLIES AND LAWYERS PURSUE ONE DERANGED CONSPIRACTY THEORY AFTER
ANOTHER. MEANWHILE, THEY'RE ALSO LETTING A DEADLY PLAGUE RAVAGE THE
COUNTRY UNCONTROLLED FOR MORE ON THIS, IT'S TIME FOR "A CLOSER LOOK."
Seth: WE'RE IN A MOMENT RIGHT NOW OF COLLIDING CRISES
UNPRECEDENTED IN OUR LIFETIMES WE'VE JUST CONCLUDED A SUCCESSFUL PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION
WITH A CLEAR AND DECISIVE RESULT, AMID A DEADLY PLAGUE THAT'S SPREADING RAPIDLY OUT OF
CONTROL AND AN OUTGOING PRESIDENT WHO NOT ONLY DOESN'T CARE BUT HASN'T EVEN BEEN TO A
CORONAVIRUS TASK FORCE MEETING IN AT LEAST FIVE MONTHS. FIVE MONTHS.
WHAT'S HE BEEN DOING CATCHING UP ON THE FIRST THREE SEASONS OF "THE CROWN?
BECAUSE THAT'S HOW LONG IT TAKES TO WATCH THAT SHOW SORRY, OLIVIA COLMAN, BUT HOW
MANY ESTABLISHING SHOTS OF ROYALS STARING OUT WINDOWS OR ASTON MARTINS DRIVING UP COUNTRY
ROADS TO OLD CASTLES CAN ONE PERSON TAKE? WE GET IT.
THEY'RE RICH AND [ BLEEP ] UP. WE HAVE OUR OWN VERSION OF THAT. IT'S CALLED "THE REAL HOUSEWIVES
OF NEW JERSEY," AND AT LEAST THEY FLIP OVER TABLES AND GET DEPORTED TO ITALY FOR TAX FRAUD.
WE'VE SURPASSED 11 MILLION INFECTIONS AND WE'RE NEARING A QUARTER OF A MILLION DEATHS WITH
HOSPITAL ICUs FILLING UP AROSS THE COUNTRY. AND THE OUTGOING PRESIDENT IS
MOPING AROUND HIS BEDROOM LIKE A TEENAGER WHO DIDN'T GET INVITED TO CHAD'S LAKE HOUSE AFTER PROM.
"DONALD, YOU WANT TO COME DOWN AND HELP US WITH THE PANDEMIC? "NO.
I'M FACETIMING WITH MY REAL FRIENDS. LEAVE ME ALONE
ANYWAY, MY MOM'S A REAL B. WE'RE IN A NATIONAL CRISIS, THE LIKES OF WHICH WE HAVEN'T SEEN
IN 100 YEARS AND IT WOULD BE NICE IF THE OUTGOING PRESIDENT'S TEAM WOULD
COOPERATE WITH INCOMING PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN'S PANEL OF EXPERTS OF SCIENTISTS ADVISING
HIM ON THE CORONAVIRUS, ESPECIALLY NOW THAT A MUCH-NEEDED DOSE OF GOOD NEWS --
IT'S REPORTED THAT ACCORDING TO EARLY DATA, WE MIGHT HAVE NOT ONE BUT TWO HIGHLY- EFFECTIVE
VACCINES THE NEXT ADMINISTRATION NEEDS TO DEVISE A PLAN ON HOW BEST TO
DISTRIBUTE THOSE VACCINES, WHICH, BY THE WAY, IS SOMETHING THAT JOE BIDEN HAS CLEARLY
THOUGHT A LOT ABOUT.
VACCINES BEING WORKED ON NOW
ONE IS AN RNA MODEL. AND THE OTHER IS AN ADNOVIRUS, WHICH IS A WAY TO GENERATE THE
IMMUNE SYSTEM'S RESPONSE ONE CHANGES THE CELL STRUCTURE THE MRNA, THAT REQUIRES TWO
INJECTIONS AND IT REQUIRES TO BE STORED AT 70 DEGREES BELOW ZERO.
Seth: WELL, I CERTAINLY DIDN'T EXPECT THAT LEVEL OF SCIENTIFIC DETAIL.
IS JOE BIDEN OLD SHELDON HE SEEMS LIKE A GUY WHO WOULD SAY SOMETHING LIKE, "WHAT I KNOW
ABOUT VACCINES IS YOU ROLL UP YOUR SLEEVE AND YOU TAKE IT LIKE A MAN.
BUT CLEARLY, HE'S BEEN STUDYING THIS STUFF, WHICH IS COMFORTING. THOUGH TO BE FAIR, BIDEN COULD
KNOW NOTHING ABOUT MEDICINE. HE CAN SAY HE THOUGHT BABIES CAME OUT OF WOMEN'S STOMACHS
BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE THE BIG BUMP WAS AND I WOULD STILL FEEL RELIEVED
BECAUSE TRUMP IS GONE. SO IT WOULD BE NICE TO HAVE THAT GUY WORKING WITH THE OUTGOING
ADMINISTRATION'S TEAM TO CURB THE GROWTH IN CASES AND DEVELOP A PLAN FOR VACCINE DISTRIBUTION,
WHICH IS WHY DURING A "60 MINUTES" INTERVIEW LAST NIGHT, PRESIDENT OBAMA CALLED ON
TRUMP TO FINALLY CONCEDE AS YOU'LL RECALL, OBAMA SAT PATIENTLY WITH TRUMP IN THE OVAL
OFFICE JUST TWO DAYS AFTER THE 2016 ELECTION, LIKE SOMEONE IN THE BIG BROTHER PROGRAM WAITING
FOR AN ARRAIGNMENT HEARING WITH THE HIGH SCHOOL BURNOUT HE WAS ASSIGNED TO.
"YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU STEAL LIQUOR, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TWEET ABOUT IT
YOU GOT TO GET YOUR [ BLEEP ] TOGETHER, MAN. "YOU SHOULD GET YOUR [ BLEEP ]
TOGETHER." "WHAT WAS THAT?" "NOTHING."
IN THE PAST, THE TRANSITION OF POWER WAS DONE WITH GRACE AND DIGNITY.
GEORGE H.W. BUSH WROTE A BEAUTIFUL LETTER TO BILL CLINTON, GIVING HIM SOUND
ADVICE DWIGHT EISENHOWER LEFT OFFICE WITH TREMENDOUS CLASS AND WITH A
WARNING ABOUT THE MILITARY INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX AND OF COURSE AS WE RECALL, WHEN
RUTHERFORD B. HAYES LEFT OFFICE, HE WROTE TO THE INCOMING PRESIDENT JAMES GARFIELD, "HEY,
IT'S RUTHERFORD. THE TOILET NEAR THE WAR ROOM IS OVERFLOWING, BUT I SWEAR IT
WASN'T ME. I'M MAD THAT I'M NOT THE PRESIDENT ANYMORE, BECAUSE I WAS
SO POWERFUL WHEN I WAS PRESIDENT. BUT I WILL LEAVE OFFICE BECAUSE
I'M COOL AND NORMAL. ENJOY THE WHITE HOUSE, IT'S FUN. YOU CAN ASK THE STAFF FOR
WHATEVER YOU WANT AND THEY HAVE TO GO GET IT I ASKED SOME RANDOM BUTLER TO
GET ME ONION SKIN PAPER AND A PEAR FROM VERMONT AND A WEEK LATER, THIS DUMB GUY RAN BACK
IN, SO SWEATY, LIKE HE HAD SPRINTED AND I'M SITTING THERE LAUGHING
SO HARD. DAMN IT, I WILL MISS BEING PRESIDENT.
AT LEAST I KNOW FOR SURE THAT I WILL GO DOWN AS A NAME THAT ALL CHILDREN WILL KNOW,
RUTHERFORD B. HAYES. NOW, IT WILL NOT SURPRISE YOU TO LEARN THAT TRUMP'S BEST BUDS,
THE "FOX & FRIENDS," DID NOT TAKE KINDLY TO OBAMA'S REASONABLE, SANE ADVICE.
SO THEY RESPONDED BY MAKING UP A BUNCH OF DUMB LIES ABOUT HIM
UNITED STATES DOES BRING UP THE FACT THAT HE WISHES THAT PRESIDENT TRUMP WOULD CONCEDE.
BUT KEEP IN MIND, TOO, HE DOES NOT ACKNOWLEDGE HIS ROLE IN THE AFTERMATH DURING THE PRESIDENT'S
SO-CALLED HONEYMOON, THE PRESIDENT-ELECT PERIOD HE DOES NOT ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT
THAT THE PRESIDENT, THEY LAUNCHED THE MUELLER REPORT. NEVER GAVE THE PRESIDENT ONE DAY
OF PEACE DURING HIS TRANSITION Seth: OH, BRIAN KILMEADE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON
BETWEEN YOUR SEWN-ON BUTTON EYES, BUT ARE YOU SAYING OBAMA NEVER GAVE TRUMP ONE DAY OF
PEACE DURING HIS TRANSITION? TRUMP HAS NEVER GIVEN US ONE DAY OF PEACE FOR THE LAST FOUR
YEARS. HE'S JUST TAKEN SO MUCH ENERGY I BANGED MY ELBOW ON THE KITCHEN
COUNTER ONE DAY AND STARTED SOBBING. I REALIZED QUICKLY THAT IT
WASN'T BANGING MY ELBOW THAT MADE ME CRY, BUT THAT I STILL HADN'T GOTTEN OVER THE PRESIDENT
OF MY COUNTRY SAYING THAT FREDERICK DOUGLASS WAS STILL ALIVE AND WAS A GREAT GUY DOING
A LOT OF IMPORTANT WORK. THAT HAPPENED. ALSO, YOU THINK OBAMA STARTED
THE MUELLER REPORT YOU KNOW WHO STARTED THE MUELLER REPORT
A TRUMP APPOINTEE NAMED ROD ROSENSTEIN, AND IT HAPPENED IN MAY OF 2017
I THOUGHT TRUMP WAS A MORON WHO WATCHES "FOX & FRIENDS," BUT MAYBE HE'S A MORON BECAUSE HE
WATCHES "FOX& FRIENDS. AND IT WILL OT SHOCK YOU TO LEARN TRUMP ALSO IGNORED OBAMA'S
ADVICE AND SCREAM-TWEETED LAST NIGHT, AND THEN AGAIN THIS MORNING, "I WON THE ELECTION."
YOU CAN SCREAM IT ALL YOU WANT, DOESN'T MAKE IT TRUE I'M STARTING TO GET A REAL
CAMERON CROWE VIBE FROM TRUMP. NEXT HE'S GOING TO STAND ON THE ROOF OF THE WHITE HOUSE, SCREAM,
"I AM A GOLDEN GOD," AND JUMP INTO A POOL, EXCEPT IT'S GOING TO GO LIKE THIS.
[ GROANING ] Seth: IT'S A FUN CLIP
LET US HAVE THIS SO, TRUMP'S DOUSING AMERICAN DEMOCRACY IN KEROSENE AND
LIGHTING A MATCH BEFORE OUR EYES NOW, AS WE ALL KNOW, IT'S NOT
UNUSUAL TO SEE HIM SWING WILDLY BACK AND FORTH FROM ONE EXTREME TO THE OTHER
HE'S LIKE THE KILLER IN A LIFETIME MOVIE WHO OFFERS TO LAY HIS COAT DOWN OVER A PUDDLE IN
ONE SCENE, AND THEN, TWO SCENES LATER, SHOWS UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT STARING AT YOU THROUGH
THE WINDOW, SWAYING BACK AND FORTH FOR SOME REASON. "WE HAVE TO TALK, JENNIFER
BUT FIRST, CAN I USE YOUR BATHROOM IT WAS A LONG CAB RIDE AND I
DRANK A WHOLE GATORADE." IF HE EVER DOES CONCEDE, CAN HE USE THAT TIME TO EXPLAIN HIS
POSTURE TO US? "MY CENTER OF GRAVITY IS OFF BECAUSE MY SHOULDERS EXTEND
BEYOND MY FEET DOCTORS CALL IT BALCONY CLAVICLE."
FOR EXAMPLE, AFTER WEEKS OF THINKING HE HAD THE POWER TO MAGICALLY CALL DIBS ON STATES BY
USING WORDS LIKE "HEREBY" AND "THEREFORE" AND DECLARE HIMSELF THE WINNER OF THE ELECTION, HE
HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE ON THE CORONAVIRUS PANDEMIC IN THE ROSE GARDEN
OF COURSE, RUDY GIULIANI WASN'T THERE BECAUSE HE WAS AT THE ROSE GARDEN CAFE AND DELICATESSEN IN
SCHENECTADY, NEW YORK. "THIS HAS TO BE THE PLACE. IT SAYS ON THE MENU, 'THERE'S
ONLY ONE ROSE GARDEN!' AND AT THE PRESS CONFERENCE, TRUMP CAME EXCRUTIATINGLY CLOSE
TO ADMITTING THAT HE HAD IN FACT LOST THE ELECTION AND THAT JOE BIDEN WOULD BE THE NEXT
PRESIDENT BEFORE HE CAUGHT HIMSELF.
IDEALLY, WE WON'T GO TO A LOCKDOWN -- I WILL NOT GO -- THIS ADMINISTRATION WILL NOT BE
GOING TO A LOCKDOWN. HOPEFULLY THE -- WHATEVER HAPPENS IN THE FUTURE -- WHO
KNOWS WHICH ADMINISTRATION WILL BE I GUESS TIME WILL TELL
Seth: "TIME WILL TELL?" THAT'S LIKE SAYING WE'RE GOING TO GIVE 110% AT THE POSTGAME
PRESS CONFERENCE IT'S OVER AND YOU LOST I REMEMBER BECAUSE I WAS ON MY
COUCH WATCHING CABLE NEWS FOR ALL OF IT. I WAS CLICKING BACK AND FORTH
BETWEEN JOHN KING AND STEVE KORNACKI SO FAST, THEY STARTED TO BLUR TOGETHER INTO
ONE GUY WHO LOOKED LIKE J. PETERMAN WITH GLASSES, OR THE eHARMONY GUY
I MEMORIZED THE NAMES OF EVERY COUNTY IN GEORGIA AND PENNSYLVANIA
WHEN I GO TO THE GROCERY STORE NOW, I ASK THE CASHIER, "ARE THOSE APPLES FROM DeKALB OR
ALLEGHENY? ALSO, THERE'S SOMETHING VERY WEIRD ABOUT SUBDUED,
NONCOMMITTAL TRUMP USUALLY HE YELLS AT US LIKE WE'RE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF A
BUSY FREEWAY BUT NOW, SUDDENLY HE'S LIKE A HUSBAND HELPING HIS WIFE PICK
OUT SHOES IN A DEPARTMENT STORE. "UH, YOU KNOW, I THINK THEY -- THEY BOTH LOOK NICE.
WHATEVER HAPPENS, YOU'LL BE FINE." THE SUDDENLY SUBDUED TONE WAS IN
ITSELF A MAJOR SHIFT AND IT SEEMED LIKE MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, REALITY WAS SLOWLY
DAWNING ON HIM ONE ADVISER EVEN TOLD THE "NEW YORK TIMES," "HE KNOWS IT'S
OVER." THAT'S HOW IT'S ALWAYS BEEN WITH OUR WEREWOLF PRESIDENT
HIS MOOD SHIFTS ARE CONSTANT A WEEK AGO, AFTER IT BECAME CLEAR THAT JOE BIDEN WON A
DECISIVE AND RESOUNDING VICTORY IN BOTH THE POPULAR VOTE AND ELECTORAL COLLEGE, TRUMP
REPEATEDLY TWEETED, "I WON." AND THEN SIX DAYS LATER I GUESS HE FORGOT THE LINE OF
BULL[ BLEEP ] HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SELLING TO HIS SUPPORTERS, BECAUSE ON SUNDAY, HE BEGAN A
TWEET BY ADMITTING OF BIDEN, QUOTE, "HE WON." AND HONESTLY, I'M NOT GOING TO
READ YOU THE REST OF THE TWEET BECAUSE IT'S JUST THE PSYCHOTIC RAVINGS OF A WEIRDO RECLUSE
HOLED UP IN HIS TAXPAYER-FUNDED HIDEOUT. LET'S JUST SAVOR FOR A MOMENT
THE FACT THAT THE TWEET STARTED WITH, "HE WON. IT'S LIKE CRACKING OPEN "A TALE
OF TWO CITIES" AND STOPPING AFTER "IT WAS THE BEST OF TIMES.
I WILL TAKE YOUR WORD FOR IT, MR. DICKENS, AND GO ABOUT MY DAY.
AND THEN, REALIZING HIS MISTAKE, TRUMP WENT ON YET ANOTHER ONE OF HIS TRADEMARK TWITTER BENDERS,
WHERE HE CLAIMED THE ELECTION WAS RIGGED, OBSESSIVELY RETWEETED CLIPS FROM FOX NEWS
AND SCREAM-TWEETED "I CONCEDE NOTHING. SOUNDS LIKE HE JUST LOST A
CHALLENGE IN SCRABBLE AFTER PUTTING DOWN THE WORD "QUARF." "QUARF
IT MEANS TO QUIETLY BARF YOU DO IT WHEN YOU DON'T WANT TO RUIN THE DINNER PARTY.
THESE SWEETBREADS ARE DELICIOUS. WHAT ARE THEY? LAMB THROAT?
QUARF. NOW AS WE TOLD YOU LAST WEEK, TRUMP'S MELTDOWN HAS IN LARGE
PART BEEN A FUNDRAISING SCAM HIS CAMPAIGN HAS BEEN BOMBARDING SUPPORTERS WITH TEXTS AND
EMAILS, NOT JUST SOLICITING BUT DEMANDING DONATIONS TO SUPPOSEDLY DEFEND THE INTEGRITY
OF THE ELECTION. ONE SUCH E-MAIL READ, "THIS IS YOUR FINAL NOTICE.
SO FAR, YOU IGNORED ALL OUR E-MAILS ASKING YOU TO JOIN US IN DEFENDING THE ELECTION
YOU'VE IGNORED TEAM TRUMP, ERIC, LARA, DON, THE VICE PRESIDENT AND YOU'VE EVEN IGNORED THE
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES." I FEEL LIKE I'M SUPPOSED TO READ THAT WHILE I'M TAKING OFF BLACK
LEATHER GLOVES ONE FINGER AT A TIME "YOU HAVE IGNORED OUR WARNINGS
FOR THE LAST TIME. NOW, YOU WILL PAY. WE TAKE VENMO.
DO YOU HAV A PEN IT'S @MAGA-$$!" I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, IF I GOT A
TEXT OR E-MAIL FROM ANYONE THAT BEGAN WITH "THIS IS YOUR FINAL NOTICE," I'D LOCK MY DOOR, GRAB
THE BASEBALL BAT UNDER MY BED, AND CALL MY STRONGEST FRIEND, WHO, UNFORTUNATELY, IN THIS
CASE, IS FRED ARMISEN. HEY, FRED. I JUST GOT A THREATENING E-MAIL
FROM THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN. CAN YOU COME OVER AND STAY WITH ME
Fred: SETH, MY GOD, YES, OF COURSE I'LL BE RIGHT OVER
I'VE BEEN PRACTICING THIS NEW MARTIAL ART. IT'S CALLED CHAI TEA
Seth: OOH, I THINK YOU MEAN TAI CHI. Fred: OH, NO, I THINK I'VE
JUST MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE THERE HE IS WE'RE GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS,
DRUMMER BOY. Fred: NO, NO, NO, NO, WAIT! [ DIAL TONE
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] Seth: SO, THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN HAS ESSENTIALLY BEEN TRYING TO
HARASS ITS SUPPORTERS INTO GIVING THEM MONEY TO DEFEND THE ELECTION
BUT AS IT TURNS OUT, IN THE FINE PRINT, MOST OF THE MONEY JUST GOES TO TRUMP AND THE REPUBLICAN
NATIONAL COMMITTEE
REUTERS REPORT
AND IT SAYS, "SMALL DOLLAR DONATIONS FROM TRUMP'S GRASSROOTS DONORS WON'T BE GOING
TO LEGAL EXPENSES. A DONOR WOULD HAVE TO GIVE MORE THAN $8,000 BEFORE ANY MONEY
GOES TO THE RECOUNT ACCOUNT, ESTABLISHED TO FINANCE ELECTION CHALLENGES
A LARGE PORTION OF THE MONEY GOES TO SAVE AMERICA, A TRUMP LEADERSHIP P.A.C., AND THE
REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE. Seth: YOU HAVE TO AT LEAST GIVE TRUMP CREDIT FOR
CONSISTENCY. EVERYTHING HE DOES IS A SCAM, AND THIS ONE IS NO DIFFERENT
HE WENT FROM TRUMP VITAMINS TO TRUMP UNIVERSITY TO TRUMP RECOUNT.
THEY SHOULD JUST SEND OUT E-MAILS PROMISING FREE TARGET GIFT CARDS IF YOU SEND HIM YOUR
BIRTHDAY, DEBIT CARD P.I.N., AND SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER IT'S SO PERFECT THAT TRUMP'S
PRESIDENCY ENDS WITH HIM SCAMMING NOT ALL OF HIS DONORS BUT JUST THE SMALL DONORS, THE
ONES WHO GIVE LESS THAN $8,000 IF YOU'RE A RICH GUY OR A GIANT COMPANY THAT GIVES HIM MONEY OR
ENDORSES HIM, HE'LL PUT YOU IN HIS CABINET OR HE'LL INVITE YOU TO HIS GOLF COURSE, OR STAGE A
BIZARRE PHOTO OP IN THE OVAL OFFICE WHERE HE WOLFS DOWN A CAN OF UNCOOKED BEANS AND SMILES
LIKE JAMES BOND JUST POURED STRYCHNINE INTO HIS DIET COKE. BUT IF YOU'RE ONE OF HIS REGULAR
SUPPORTERS, HE'LL PACK YOU INTO AN AIRPLANE HANGAR FULL OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE, AMID A
DEADLY PLAGUE, LIKE A CROWD OF METS FANS TRYING TO CATCH THE 7 TRAIN BACK TO THE CITY AFTER
THE SIXTH INNING "AH, REALLY THOUGH BOBBY BONILLA BOBBLEHEAD DAY WOULD HAVE A
HAPPIER ENDING." FUN FACT, METS BOBBLEHEADS ARE THE ONLY ONES THAT SHAKE THEIR
HEADS LIKE THIS. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] IT'S JUST LIKE TRUMP'S TAX CUTS.
WHEN HE KEPT PROMISING IT WOULD BE A BOON TO THE MIDDLE CLASS, AND THEN AT THE LAST MINUTE,
REPUBLICANS SCRIBBLED INTO THE MARGINS A BUNCH OF OPAQUE FOOTNOTES THAT, FOR ALL I KNOW,
ALLOWED HEDGE FUNDS TO HIDE THE PROFITS IN LOCK BOXES BURIED UNDER PALM TREES IN THE CAYMAN
ISLANDS AND GAVE AMAZON A TAX CREDIT FOR EVERY PACKAGE IT SQUEEZED INTO YOUR MAILBOX,
DESPITE THE FACT THAT IT'S OBVIOUSLY NOT GONNA FIT. IT'S AN INSTANT POT.
JUST LEAVE IT IN THE VESTIBULE THE POINT IS, TRUMP FORGET THE SCAM FOR A MINUTE WHEN HE
ACCIDENTALLY TWEETED THAT BIDEN WON, OR WHEN HE BRIEFLY SLIPPED INTO ALMOST ACKNOWLEDGING THAT
HE WAS ON HIS WAY OUT DURING HIS ROSE GARDEN PRESS CONFERENCE HE'S LIKE THE ONE MEMBER OF THE
BANK HEIST WHO GETS TOO HOT AND TAKES OFF HIS MASK "OH, I NEED TO BREATHE FOR A
SECOND WAIT, ARE THERE CAMERAS IN HERE? KEVIN?
YOU SAID THERE WOULDN'T BE CAMERAS IN HERE. ANSWER HE ME RIGHT NOW,
KEVIN MULLIGAN THAT'S YOUR FULL NAME. TRUMP'S VOTER FRAUD LIES ARE
JUST LIKE HIS BIRTHER LIES HIS GOAL WAS NEVER TO ACTUALLY SEE OBAMA'S BIRTH CERTIFICATE.
AND NOW, HIS GOAL ISN'T TO ACTUALLY PROVE VOTER FRAUD TRUMP AND THE REPUBLICAN PARTY
JUST WANT TO CREATE A FALSE MYTHOLOGY THAT WILL ANIMATE THEIR SUPPORTERS EVEN AFTER HE
LEAVES OFFICE. TRUMP KNOWS RACISM AND PARANOID CONSPIRACY THEORIES WILL KEEP
THEM MOBILIZED AND PRIMED FOR WHATEVER HIS NEXT SCAM IS. AS FOR WHAT THAT IS --
I GUESS TIME WILL TELL. Seth: THIS HAS BEEN "A CLOSER
LOOK." * WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
"LATE NIGHT. * Announcer: FOR MORE OF SETH'S
"CLOSER LOOKS," BE SURE TO
IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS, KAMALA HARRIS WILL BECOME THE FIRST FEMALE VICE PRESIDENT OF
THE UNITED STATES AND WOMEN EVERYWHERE - WOW
KAMALA HARRIS. ANOTHER THING TO ADD TO HER LIST OF ACCOMPLISHMENTS
Seth: SORRY, EVERYBODY. THIS IS ONE OF OUR WRITERS, DINA GUSOVSKY.
DINA, WHY ARE YOU NOT EXCITED ABOUT KAMALA HARRIS? IS IT BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT A FAN
OF HER POLICY POSITIONS? NO. Seth: IS IT BECAUSE IT'S
RIDICULOUS WE HAVE NEVER HAD A FEMALE VICE PRESIDENT, LET ALONE PRESIDENT?
NOT REALLY. Seth: SO, THEN, WHAT IS IT? ALL RIGHT, FINE
I'M JUST JEALOUS, OKAY Seth: WELL, THERE'S NO NEED TO BE JEALOUS.
I MEAN, YOU COULD RUN FOR OFFICE ONE DAY, TOO HOW COME KAMALA HARRIS FOUND
A JEWISH MAN TO MARRY AND I CAN'T. Seth: OH, BOY
DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO FIND AN ELIGIBLE, SINGLE, JEWISH MALE TO MARRY?
AND KAMALA HARRIS IS ALREADY A SENATOR. NOW, SHE GETS TO BE VICE
PRESIDENT. DOESN'T SHE HAVE ENOUGH? COME ON.
LEAVE SOME MENSHAS FOR THE TRENCHES Seth: LOOK DINA, SENATOR
HARRIS' HUSBAND DOUG EMHOFF IS ABOUT TO BECOME THE FIRST SECOND GENTLEMAN OF THE UNITED STATES
AND HE'S JEWISH. I MEAN, WOULDN'T THAT BE A HISTORIC MOMENT FOR THE JEWISH
PEOPLE SORRY, SETH, I DIDN'T HEAR MOST OF WHAT YOU SAID.
I GOT A LITTLE DISTRACTED AFTER YOU SAID THE NAME, DOUG EMHOFF WOO.
IS IT HOT IN HERE? OR IS IT JUST ME Seth: REALLY?
YOU THINK DOUG EMHOFF IS HOT ARE YOU SERIOUS LOOK AT HIM.
THE MAN IS A STONE-COLD HUNK I MEAN, CAN YOU BLAME ME FOR BEING JEALOUS?
Seth: THAT GUY? SETH, HE CHECKS ALL MY BOXES. SUCCESSFUL CORPORATE LITIGATOR
CHECK. GROWN CHILDREN WHO ARE ALREADY OUT OF THE HOUSE
CHECK. AND I MEAN, COME ON. THE GRAYING TEMPLES, THE BROAD
BUT SOFT SHOULDERS, THE POLISHED SMILE THAT SAYS, "I PERSONALLY KNOW AN ORTHODONTIST."
MM, MM, MM Seth: WOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT GUY TURNS YOU ON.
SETH, I DON'T WANT TO GET TOO GRAPHIC. BUT RIGHT NOW, COMPARED TO ME,
CARDI B. IS LIKE THE KALAHARI DESERT Seth: DINA, THAT WAS
EXTREMELY GRAPHIC. SETH, I AM NOT GOING TO APOLOGIZE BY THE FACT I KNOW HOW
TO PAINT PICTURES WITH WORDS LOOK, I GUESS KAMALA HARRIS BEING VICE PRESIDENT ISN'T ALL
BAD. Seth: WHY NOT WELL, IT WOULD GIVE ME A LOT
TO COMPLAIN ABOUT AND AS A JEW, THAT'S BASICALLY AN IDEAL SCENARIO
Seth: DINA GUSOVSKY, EVERYBODY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
KALEY CUOCO. * Seth: SITTING IN WITH US THIS
WEEK, SHE'S THE DRUMMER FOR POP ARTIST, HAYLEY KIYOKO & MILK HER NEW PODCAST, "GAY CHURCH,"
IS OUT NOW, AND BE SURE TO FOLLOW HER ON YOUTUBE AND INSTAGRAM @SEEVALDRUM.
VALERIE FRANCO IS HERE WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW, VAL. OUR FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS A
TALENTED ACTRESS YOU KNOW FROM SHOWS SUCH AS, "8 SIMPLE RULES" AND "THE BIG BANG THEORY."
SHE BOTH STARS IN AND EXECTIVE PRODUCES THE LIMITED SERIES, "THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT," WHICH
PREMIERES ON HBO MAX ON NOVEMBER 26th. LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
I DON'T -- THIS PLACE IS SO PRETTY -
YEAH, NO. WHERE I AM. OKAY.
THAT'S NOT AN ANSWER BANGKOK. OH, SPEAKING OF GETTING ARRESTED
IN FOREIGN COUNTRIES, DO NOT GET ARRESTED THERE THE LAWS ARE BYZANTINE
RIGHT YEAH HOW DID YOU -- HOW DID YOU KNOW
THAT I'M IN BANGKOK? OH, WHEN WE ALL TOOK THAT GIRLS TRIP TO TULOOM, WE TURNED
ON OUR FIND FRIEND THING, 'CAUSE, KIDNAPPING AND, YEAH, YOU JUST NEVER TURNED
YOURSELF, SO LISTEN, YOU'RE NOT ACTUALLY IN TROUBLE OR SOMETHING ARE YOU
NO. I'M HUNGOVER IN THAILAND Seth: PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO
THE SHOW, KALEY CUOCO. HOW ARE YOU KALEY? HEY, SETH
Seth: IT'S SO NICE TO SEE YOU. I'M REALLY EXCITED ABOUT THIS
SHOW I WATCHED THE FIRST EPISODE. IT'S GREAT
BUT I DO -- I WANT TO ASK, I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN SPENDING TIME QUARANTINING
HOW IS LIFE IN ISOLATION BEEN FOR YOU? YOU KNOW WHAT
I THINK LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE, MINE IS SURROUNDED BY A LOT OF DOGS AND A LOT OF ALCOHOL.
SO, IT'S BEEN OKAY Seth: UH-HUH. YOU KNOW?
BUT YEAH WE'RE JUST HANGING IN THERE. I FEEL LIKE I'VE QUARANTINED
MULTIPLE TIMES I'VE BEEN IN MULTIPLE PLACES OVER THE PAST FEW MONTHS AND
I'VE REALLY GIVEN ALL MY IN QUARANTINE LET ME TELL YOU, I'VE BEEN
COMMITTED. Seth: WELL, SOCIETY -- ON BEHALF OF SOCIETY, I THANK YOU
FOR DOING THAT YOU MENTIONED DOGS YOU ADOPTED A DOG RECENTLY
DUMPY. YES Seth: HERE'S DUMPY FOR
EVERYBODY. [ LAUGHING ] THAT IS SIR DUMP TRUCK.
I GOT HIM OVER MY -- OVER THE FIRST QUARANTINE, MANY MONTHS AGO.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A FOSTER AND I TURNED INTO A FOSTER FAIL. I TURNED INTO A GIRL WITH A DOG
AND A STROLLER, WHICH I REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO BECOME. Seth: AND IT SHOULD BE NOTED,
THESE -- THIS STROLLER IS NOT JUST STATIONARY, AS IT IS IN THE PHOTO.
HERE'S A QUICK VIDEO OF DUMPY DOING HIS THING IN A MOVING STROLLER
NO. OH
REALLY FEROCIOUS IN THIS STROLLER THAT DOG COULD KICK YOUR ASS
Seth: SO, KALEY, TELL US HOW -- YOU KNOW, OBVIOUSLY, YOU MENTIONED YOU DIDN'T WANT TO
TURN INTO THAT GIRL AND NOW HERE YOU ARE. DO YOU NOTICE -- DO YOU WATCH IT
HAPPENING IN REAL-TIME, AS YOU SLOWLY REALIZE "I AM NOW A PERSON WHO HAS A DOG IN A
STROLLER?" I DIDN'T WANT TO BE THAT PERSON
YOU KNOW, WE HAVE MULTIPLE DOGS, NONE OF WHICH HAVE STROLLERS BUT I WAS IN NEW YORK FOR SO
LONG SHOOTING. AND DUMPY WAS THERE AND HE'S OLDER, SO I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE
EASIER TO GET OUT AND GET AROUND, RIGHT, IN THE STROLLER AND THE FUNNY PART IS, HE'S A
VERY SCARED DOG. HE HAD A VERY TRAUMATIC LIFE BEFORE ME.
IN THE STROLLER, HE HAS THIS BRAVERY AND SELF-ASSURANCE THAT I'VE NEVER -- AS YOU CAN SEE, HE
BARKS. HE BECOMES COMPLETELY AGGRESSIVE IN THE STROLLER.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT COMES OVER IN HIS BRAIN. Seth: WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT
WE GOTTA LET DUMPY LIVE HIS BEST LIFE HE HAS SOME PAPARAZZI, AS WELL,
YES? PEOPLE ARE EXCITED TO SEE DUMPY ON THE STREETS
OH, MY GOD. I'M TELLING YOU. SO WE WERE IN -- I WAS LIVING IN
TRIBECA WHICH IS A VERY -- YOU KNOW, IT'S PRETTY -- AND THERE ARE A LOT CELEBS
AROUND AND PAPA -- NOT -- JUST A LOT OF PAPARAZZI AND I REALIZED, EVERY TIME I'D
COME DOWN EARLY IN THE MORNING TO TAKE DUMPY OUT TO THE BATHROOM, THERE WAS PAPARAZZI.
AND I'M THINKING, "OH, MY GOD. THEY JUST WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE." WELL, AN ARTICLE THAT CAME OUT A
FEW DAYS LATER THAT MY GIRLFRIEND SENT ME AND IT SAID, "DUMP TRUCK GOES TO THE BATHROOM
WITH BLONDE OWNER. HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. THEY WERE THERE TO SEE THE DUMPY
IN THE - Seth: YOU KNOW THAT MEANS YOU HAVE TO GET A T-SHIRT THAT SAYS
"BLONDE OWNER," RIGHT? BLONDE OWNER. [ LAUGHTER ]
Seth: YOU GOTTA DO IT YOU GOTTA MAKE IT EASY FOR THEM. YEAH.
NO ONE CARED IT WAS ME THEY FOLLOWED -- THEY WERE FOLLOWING US ALL OVER NEW YORK
AND I REALIZED THEY WERE TRYING TO GET ALL OF THE PHOTOS OF DUMPY IN THE STROLLER.
HE BECAME AN OVERNIGHT SUCCESS Seth: HOPEFULLY -- PLEASE DO NOT ALLOW YOUR PERSONAL JEALOUSY
TOWARDS THAT TO DRIVE A WEDGE BETWEEN YOU AND DUMPY. I'M BEGGING OUT OF YOU
I WAS PRETTY PISSED LET ME TELL YOU. I THOUGHT, THE NARCISSIST INSIDE
ME THOUGHT EVERYONE WANTED TO SEE ME, BUT I WAS SORELY MISTAKEN
Seth: SO, CONGRATS ON THE SHOW IT'S WEIRD TO SAY THIS SHOW IS
FUN BECAUSE, SPOILER ALERT, SOME VERY DARK THINGS HAPPEN. BUT, TONALLY, IT IS -- I DON'T
KNOW THERE'S A NICE ENERGY TO IT. I ASSUME GETTING THE TONE RIGHT
WAS A MASSIVE PART OF THE SHOW THAT YOU'RE ALSO A PRODUCER ON I GOTTA TELL YOU, THE AMOUNT
OF CONVERSATIONS WE HAD ABOUT THE WORD TONE - Seth: YEAH.
OVER THE LAST YEAR, IT'S PRETTY -- I DIDN'T THINK I COULD SAY THAT WORD SO MANY TIMES OR
HEAR OTHER PEOPLE SAY THAT WORD SO MANY TIMES. I WISH I HAD PICKED A CLEARER
TONE OF A PROJECT FOR MY FIRST PRODUCING VENTURE, BUT I PICKED A TRICKY ONE
AND YES, IT'S DEFINITELY -- IT RIDES A WAVE OF ADVENTURE AND SADNESS.
AND, OBVIOUSLY, THERE'S A BRUTAL MURDER BUT SINCE I CAN'T HELP BUT BE A
LITTLE FUNNY HERE AND THERE, IT WAS DEFINITELY WRITTEN IN MY VOICE.
Seth: YES BASE ON THE EPISODE I'VE SEEN, YOU THREAD THE NEEDLE VERY
NICELY AND ALSO YOU HAD TO WORK AROUND, LIKE, A LOT OF PRODUCTIONS, THE
PANDEMIC WE'RE LIVING THROUGH. YOU, SORT OF, GOT IN JUST UNDER THE WIRE BECAUSE YOU WERE
SHOOTING IN ITALY, RIGHT WE WERE SHOOTING IN ITALY, YES.
WE SHOT IN THAILAND AND ITALY. AND THEN, IN ITALY, WAS END OF JANUARY RIGHT BEFORE THINGS
STARTED SHUTTING DOWN. SO, WE -- AND THEN, ALSO, WE HAD ALL THESE MONTHS OFF, LIKE
EVERYBODY ELSE AND WE JUST WENT BACK AND FINISHED, WHICH WAS ALSO
HILARIOUS BECAUSE THE SHOW TAKES PLACE IN WINTER IN NEW YORK. WE WENT BACK AND IT WAS
BEAUTIFUL AND SUMMER AND EVERYONE IN THE BACKGROUND WAS WEARING MASKS.
SO, IT WAS A VERY STRANGE -- WHEN WE LOOKED AT DAILIES WE WERE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD
THAT GUY'S GOTTA A MASK ON." AND WE'RE TRYING TO SHIFT HOW WE WERE DOING EVERYTHING.
Seth: AND YOU HAVE -- I THINK A LOT OF PRODUCTIONS HAVE RULES ABOUT THE NUMBER OF EXTRAS YOU
CAN HAVE AND YOU HAVE TO DOUBLE-UP AND USE PEOPLE MORE THAN ONCE.
THAT MUST MAKE THINGS TRICKY, AS WELL WE -- SO, YES
SO WE OBVIOUSLY WERE TRYING TO MINIMIZE NEW PEOPLE IN AND OUT OF OUR SET
SO WE HAVE SIX EXTRAS THAT WE USE FOR TWO AND A HALF MONTHS. AND WE KEPT PUTTING THEM IN
DIFFERENT WIGS, DIFFERENT OUTFITS, KIND OF MIXING AND MATCHING THEM, ON THE PLANE,
TOO. 'CAUSE WE HAD TO HAVE THEM ENTER THE PLANE.
THESE PEOPLE LOOK LIKE THEY TAKE A LOT OF FLIGHTS, IF ANYBODY NOTICES.
BUT IT WAS THE ONLY WAY WE COULD DO IT. SO WE -- WE DID OUR BEST
Seth: YOU SHOULD DO ANOTHER SHOW, JUST ABOUT THESE SIX WEIRD PEOPLE THAT ARE CONSTANTLY GOING
BACK AND FORTH FROM NEW YORK TO THAILAND YES
Seth: IT WOULD BE FUNNY IT LOOKING VERY CREEPY. IT'S VERY STRANGE.
BUT I COULD -- WHEN I WOULD WATCH DAILIES, I'M LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.
YOU GUYS, WE HAD THOSE TWO PEOPLE TALK TO EACH OTHER IN THE LAST SCENE
WE GOTTA MOVE THEM AROUND. Seth: WELL, IT ALL -- IT ALL WORKED OUT
AND NOW, WE HAVE, COMING UP, THANKSGIVING, WHICH I THINK IS GOING TO BE, OBVIOUSLY, TRICKY
AND DIFFERENT FOR EVERYBODY THIS YEAR YOU ALSO HAVE A BIRTHDAY COMING
UP DO YOU HAVE ANY PLANS? ARE YOU GONNA -- IS IT JUST
GONNA BE YOU AND DUMPY SCROLLING THROUGH "DAILY MAIL" TO SEE IF YOUR PICTURES ARE IN THERE
I'M HAVING A PARTY FOR 200 PEOPLE ON MY BIRTHDAY. Seth: I'M SO GLAD
I'M REALLY EXCITED ABOUT IT Seth: HOPEFULLY -- HOPEFULLY JUST 200 PEOPLE WHO KNOW A LOT
OF -- HAVE A LOT OF ELDERLY FRIENDS. I THINK THAT'S BEST.
OH, EXACTLY THAT'S WHAT I WAS THINKING YEAH, FOR SURE
FOR SURE Seth: HEY, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE
THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR TIME IN QUARANTINE WE DO APPRECIATE EVERYBODY
TAKING IT SERIOUSLY. LOVE TO DUMPY. WE ARE HOPING YOU CAN HELP US
BOOK HIM AND ALL THE BEST, KALEY. I DIDN'T WANT THAT TO HAPPEN.
THANK YOU. Seth: BE WELL THE FIRST THREE EPISODES OF
"THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT" WILL BE AVAILABLE ON THANKSGIVING DAY. A GREAT WAY TO SPEND SOME TIME
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH OUR FRIEND, CAZZIE DAVID *
Seth: OUR NEXT GUEST IS A VERY FUNNY WRITER AND ACTRESS WHOSE WORK HAS APPEARED IN
"VANITY FAIR" AND "VOGUE" AND WHO CREATED AND STARRED IN THE ACCLAIMED WEB SERIES
"EIGHTY-SIXED. HER BOOK "NO ONE ASKED FOR THIS" GOES ON SALE TOMORROW.
PLEASE WELCOME TO THE SHOW, MY FRIEND CAZZIE DAVID. HOW ARE YOU, CAZZIE?
HEY, I'M HANGING IN THERE HOW ARE YOU? Seth: I'M WONDERFUL
I'M VERY HONORED THIS IS YOUR FIRST TALK SHOW APPEARANCE
AND I'M WONDERING IF YOU THINK YOU WOULD BE MORE NERVOUS IF YOU WERE HERE IN PERSON OR IF YOU'RE
PREFERRING DOING IT ON ZOOM? THERE'S JUST NO WORLD WHERE I COULD HAVE DONE THIS IN PERSON,
CONSIDERING HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW. BUT THE BAD PART ABOUT THIS IS
THAT I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANYTHING SADDER THAN A WOMAN BEING FULLY DRESSED AND IN
MAKEUP ON ZOOM IN HER LIVING ROOM SO, YEAH
YOU KNOW, THERE'S BAD SIDES TO BOTH Seth: NOW, YOU'RE ONE OF THE
REASONS YOU WERE WORRIED ABOUT THIS, YOU WERE TELLING ME, IS THAT YOU'RE AFRAID THAT PEOPLE
WILL BE JUDGMENTAL, BASED HOW YOU EXECUTE THIS INTERVIEW BUT THAT COMES FROM A PLACE OF
SOMETHING THAT YOU DO TO OTHER PEOPLE YEAH.
I'M UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT WHAT MOST PEOPLE DO, ESPECIALLY ME, IS WHEN THEY DON'T KNOW IF
THEY LIKE OR HATE A CELEBRITY YET, IS THAT THEY GO ONLINE AND LOOK UP A "LATE NIGHT" CLIP, AND
THEN, THEY DECIDE FROM THERE AND THEN, WHENEVER THAT PERSON IS BROUGHT UP IN THE FUTURE AND
THEY SAY, "WHY DON'T YOU LIKE THEM?" YOU JUST SAW, "OH, I JUST SAW
THEM ON 'SETH MEYERS' AND THEY WERE SO ANNOYING." [ LAUGHTER ]
FOR SOME REASON, THAT'S LIKE A VALID REASON SO, I'M GETTING KARMA RIGHT NOW.
AND, ALSO YEAH, THEY COULD BE ALREADY DECIDING Seth: YOU YOURSELF DESCRIBED
IN THE BOOK, AS BEING SOMEONE WHO IS NEUROTIC. AND TAKING ON WRITING ABOUT
YOURSELF IN A BOOK, SEEMED TO BE SOMETHING THAT WOULD MAYBE SPIRAL YOU OUT
DID YOU FIND THAT WAS THE CASE OR DID YOU ENJOY TAKING THAT JOURNEY?
WELL, YOU KNOW, THEY SAY TO WRITE WHAT YOU KNOW. AND I DIDN'T HAVE MUCH OF A
CHOICE BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ELSE, SETH. BUT REALLY, THE ONLY REASON I
WAS ABLE TO GET SO PERSONAL WAS BECAUSE I JUST PRETENDED THAT NO ONE WOULD EVER READ IT
SO I DID REVEAL ALL OF MY DEEPEST INSECURITIES AND THEN TIME CAME WHEN I HAD TO
PUT IT OUT IN THE WORLD. AND NOW EVERYONE KNOWS I'M INSANE
SO - [ LAUGHTER ] Seth: WELL, I WANT TO ASK
ABOUT THIS BECAUSE YOUR FATHER, LARRY DAVID, OBVIOUSLY, OVER HIS CAREER, HE HAS WRITTEN ABOUT HIS
OWN NEUROSIS HE HAS PLAYED A CHARACTER NAMED LARRY.
THERE'S THIS SENSE THAT MAYBE HE IS TELLING US A LOT ABOUT HIMSELF IN HIS WRITING AND HIS
PERFORMANCE. I AM ALSO LUCKY ENOUGH TO KNOW YOUR MOM, LAURIE
HOW DID THEY FEEL WHEN YOU STARTED WRITING A BOOK THAT WAS ABOUT YOURSELF, AND THEREFORE,
WAS GOING TO ALSO HAVE A BIT ABOUT THEM YOU KNOW, MY MOM IS REALLY
USED TO BEING WRITTEN ABOUT BY MY DAD AND ALSO, I WROTE ABOUT MY
SISTER, WHO HAD THE EXPERIENCE OF LIVING WITH MY MOM AND SEEING HOW SHE HANDLED IT
BUT I WOULD DESCRIBE MY MOM'S REACTION ACTUALLY TO BE REALLY WELL-DESCRIBED IN A TWEET SHE
WROTE TO SUPPORT ME TO HER COUPLE THOUSAND FOLLOWERS, WHICH SHE LIKES TO BRAG ABOUT.
BUT SHE TWEETED, LIKE, "DAUGHTER'S BOOK IS COMING OUT REMEMBER, KIDS EXAGGERATE.
FIRST OF ALL, WAY TO DISCREDIT ME BEFORE IT EVEN COMES OUT. AND ALSO, PUBLICLY, CALL ME A
KID. YEAH [ LAUGHTER ]
SHE OFFERED TO DELETE IT, WHICH I FIND MYSELF DOING A LOT. SHE'S LIKE, "FINE, IF YOU DON'T
WANT ME TO SUPPORT YOU THEN, I WON'T. [ LAUGHTER ]
Seth: HOW DID -- HOW DID YOUR SISTER, ROMY -- WAS SHE SUPPORTIVE THROUGH THE PROCESS
OF WRITING IT? YEAH. I THINK SHE WAS RELUCTANTLY
SUPPORTIVE BUT, YEAH, SHE'S -- THEY'RE GREAT SO I'M REALLY THANKFUL
THAT THEY'RE OKAY WITH IT. Seth: A LOT OF PEOPLE THROUGH THESE TIMES HAVE LIVED WITH
PARENTS HAVE LIVED WITH IN-LAWS. I KNOW YOU HAVE DONE A BIT OF BOTH
YOU LIVED WITH YOUR MOM, YOU LIVED WITH YOUR DAD THROUGH THIS
HOW HAS THAT BEEN? BECAUSE, OF COURSE, ONE OF THE HARDEST THINGS I THINK ABOUT
FAMILIES LIVING WITH EACH OTHER IS DIFFERENT LEVELS OF COMFORT, SLASH, FEAR ABOUT THE PANDEMIC
RIGHT WE AGREE ON EVERYTHING ESPECIALLY IN TERMS OF AVOIDING
SICKNESS AT ALL COST THE PROBLEM ISN'T REALLY AGREEING
IT'S MORE LIKE FORGETTING THAT WE'RE IN A PANDEMIC. MY DAD AND ME WILL DISCUSS --
YOU KNOW, WE GO OVER THE RULES, LIKE NO ONE CAN COME OVER BECAUSE OF COVID
AND THEN, TWO HOURS LATER, I'LL COME DOWNSTAIRS AND HE'LL HAVE A FRIEND OVER.
AND I'M LIKE, "DAD, IT'S COVID." -- LIKE, LET'S GO TO DINNER AND I'M LIKE, "DAD, IT'S COVID."
SO, HE'S LIKE -- SO, YEAH, THAT'S BEEN AN ISSUE, FOR SURE Seth: WHAT -- I'M WONDERING
IF WRITING ABOUT YOURSELF AND YOU TALK ABOUT WRITING ABOUT WHAT YOU KNOW, LIKE, WAS IT
CATHARTIC FOR YOU? AND IS THERE SOMETHING THAT YOU WANT A READER TO TAKE AWAY FROM
THE BOOK IT MIGHT BE PRESUMPTUOUS FOR ME TO THINK THAT ANYONE COULD
TAKE ANYTHING AWAY I HOPE THEY ENJOY IT OR RELATE TO IT.
WE'RE THE MOST ANXIOUS GENERATION OF ALL-TIME AND THANKS TO SOCIAL MEDIA, WE
LIKE TO OVERSHARE. SO I WOULD SAY ANXIETY AND OVERSHARING KIND OF SUMS UP MY
BOOK SO YEAH, I HOPE PEOPLE CAN CONNECT AT LEAST BECAUSE OF
THAT Seth: YOU'VE ALSO POINTED OUT -- YOU RECENTLY PUT UP A
POST ABOUT THE FACT THAT HOW EMBARRASSING IT IS TO SELF-PROMOTE A BOOK LIKE THIS.
IF YOU WERE TO OBSERVE ME FOR JUST 24 HOURS AT ALL THIS WEEK, YOU WOULD THINK AN IMMEDIATE
MEMBER OF MY FAMILY HAD DIED I'M JUST GOING AROUND LIKE WEEPING, BEING LIKE, "HOW CAN
ANY OF THIS BE OKAY? YOU DO ALL THIS STUFF, YOU KNOW, SO PEOPLE BUY THE BOOK
BUT IF YOU'RE ANNOYING WHILE YOU ARE DOING IT, NO ONE WILL BUY THE BOOK
SO I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHY I'M DOING IT [ LAUGHTER ]
Seth: HOW DO YOU THINK, BASED ON WHAT YOU'VE TOLD US, AND HOW YOU WOULD WATCH A COUPLE OF
MINUTES OF AN INTERVIEW TO DECIDE IF YOU LIKE SOMEBODY. HOW DO YOU THINK PEOPLE WILL
REACT TO THIS BASED ON HOW YOU'VE DONE SO FAR I HAVEN'T REALLY BEEN IN MY
BODY FOR THIS EXPERIENCE SO I CAN'T REALLY TELL YOU. I BLACKED OUT A FEW MINUTES AGO.
Seth: I DO WANT -- IT'S VERY FUNNY THAT YOU POINT OUT, THAT THING OF LIKE GETTING DRESSED UP
TO SHOOT IN YOUR LIVING ROOM AND ONE, YOU KNOW, SHOWS LIKE OURS APPRECIATE WHEN PEOPLE PUT
THE EFFORT IN. BUT I WANT EVERYBODY TO THINK ABOUT THE MOMENT RIGHT AFTER WE
END, WHEN YOU'RE JUST GOING TO BE SITTING IN FRONT OF A COMPUTER LIKE, ALL DRESSED UP.
AND THERE'S NOT GOING TO BE A TV SHOW ANYMORE IT'S PRETTY HUMILIATING
I AM IN JEANS TO MAKE IT MORE CASUAL BUT I REALIZE THAT DOESN'T MATTER AT ALL.
AND I COULD LOOK LIKE I'M IN A BALL GOWN. SO I WILL BE CHANGING
IMMEDIATELY AFTER THIS Seth: I'M GOING TO PICTURE YOU -- I'M A LITTLE BUMMED YOU
TOLD ME JEANS 'CAUSE I'M GOING TO PICTURE YOU STANDING UP IN VERY UNCOMFORTABLE HIGH HEELS TO
WALK OVER TO SHUT YOUR LAPTOP. I REALLY LOOK LIKE A REAL HOUSEWIFE FOR THE VIRTUAL
REUNION RIGHT NOW. Seth: THANK YOU SO MUCH, CAZZIE
IT IS ALWAYS A DELIGHT TO SEE YOU. CONGRATS ON THE BOOK
AND HOPEFULLY, I WILL SEE YOU SOON IN PERSON THANK YOU SO MUCH
I AGREE. Seth: "NO ONE ASKED FOR THIS" IS ON SALE TOMORROW WHERE BOOKS
ARE SOLD BUT PLEASE SUPPORT LOCAL AND INDEPENDENT BOOKSTORES
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE "LATE NIGHT. *
Seth: COME BACK ALL THIS WEEK FOR NEW SHOWS. WE'VE GOT GREAT GUESTS --
HUGH LAURIE, RACHEL BLOOM, RICH EISEN, EMILY SPIVEY, MICHAEL MOORE AND HUGH GRANT
PLUS, A NEW "AMBER SAYS WHAT," AND I THINK YOU KNOW WE'VE ALWAYS GOT PLENTY TO PUT INTO "A
CLOSER LOOK. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. *
GUESTS, KALEY CUOCO AND CAZZIE DAVID I WANT TO THANK VALERIE FRANCO
AND THE 8G BAND. STAY TUNED FOR "LILLY SINGH. STAY SAFE.
WASH YOUR HANDS. WEAR A MASK. WE LOVE YOU.