1 00:00:08,229 --> 00:00:10,264 Announcer: TONIGHT ON "LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS" -- 2 00:00:10,264 --> 00:00:17,138 JOHN OLIVER, AWARD-WINNING SPORTS ANNOUNCER JOE BUCK 3 00:00:17,138 --> 00:00:22,176 AN ALL-NEW "A CLOSER LOOK," FEATURING THE 8G BAND WITH FRED ARMISEN 4 00:00:22,176 --> 00:00:24,011 FEATURING THE 8G BAND WITH FRED ARMISEN AND NOW, SETH MEYERS 5 00:00:27,748 --> 00:00:29,116 Seth: GOOD EVENING! I'M SETH MEYERS AND THIS IS 6 00:00:29,116 --> 00:00:32,720 "LATE NIGHT. HOW'S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT? WELL, THAT'S GOOD TO HEAR. 7 00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:35,890 LET'S GET TO THE NEWS. PRESIDENT TRUMP ON TUESDAY GRANTED A CEREMONIAL 8 00:00:35,890 --> 00:00:41,162 THANKSGIVING PARDON TO A TURKEY NAMED CORN NO SUCH LUCK FOR THE TURKEY 9 00:00:41,162 --> 00:00:44,331 NAMED COHEN. FOLLOWING THE NEWS YESTERDAY THAT THE STOCK MARKET'S DOW 10 00:00:44,331 --> 00:00:48,269 JONES INDUSTRIAL AVERAGE HIT AN ALL-TIME HIGH OF 30 THOUSAND POINTS, PRESIDENT TRUMP 11 00:00:48,269 --> 00:00:53,074 INTERRUPTED A WHITE HOUSE PRESS BRIEFING TO TAKE CREDIT FOR THE MILESTONE. 12 00:00:53,074 --> 00:00:56,243 DUDE, IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE LEAVING. THAT'S LIKE HARVEY WEINSTEIN 13 00:00:56,243 --> 00:01:01,382 TAKING CREDIT FOR HOW MUCH SAFER EVERYONE FEELS IN HOLLYWOOD NOW. ACCORDING TO A NEW POLL, 60% OF 14 00:01:01,382 --> 00:01:06,620 VOTERS WOULD SUPPORT PRESIDENT-ELECT JOE BIDEN CANCELING UP TO $50 THOUSAND OF 15 00:01:06,620 --> 00:01:13,627 STUDENT LOAN DEBT PER PERSON PERFECT FOR EVERYONE WHO WENT TO NYU FOR A WEEK 16 00:01:13,627 --> 00:01:17,665 PRESIDENT-ELECT JOE BIDEN'S TRANSITION TEAM REPORTEDLY SCHEDULED NEARLY 20 MEETINGS 17 00:01:17,665 --> 00:01:21,502 WITH FEDERAL AGENCIES THE DAY AFTER THE GSA FORMALLY AUTHORIZED A TRANSITION OF 18 00:01:21,502 --> 00:01:24,872 POWER. "THAT'S NOT A LOT OF THE MEETINGS," SAID A KID DOING 19 00:01:24,872 --> 00:01:28,909 REMOTE LEARNING. THE CDC IS REPORTEDLY CONSIDERING SHORTENING THE 20 00:01:28,909 --> 00:01:33,514 RECOMMENDED AMOUNT OF QUARANTINE TIME FOR PEOPLE WHO MAY HAVE BEEN EXPOSED TO THE CORONAVIRUS 21 00:01:33,514 --> 00:01:37,985 IN HOPES THAT MORE PEOPLE WILL FOLLOW ITS GUIDELINES. SO, NOW, I GUESS, WE'LL FIND OUT 22 00:01:37,985 --> 00:01:42,256 IF THE VIRUS RESPONDS TO HAGGLING HOW ABOUT JUST THE FEVER AND NO 23 00:01:42,256 --> 00:01:46,527 SHORTNESS OF BREATH? ACCORDING TO THE LATEST NUMBERS, FORMER PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA'S 24 00:01:46,527 --> 00:01:53,300 NEW MEMOIR, "A PROMISED LAND," HAS SOLD MORE THAN 17.7 MILLION COPIES IN ITS FIRST WEEK AFTER 25 00:01:53,300 --> 00:01:57,671 BEING RELEASED IT WAS SO SUCCESSFUL THAT NOW TRUMP IS THINKING OF WRITING AN 26 00:01:57,671 --> 00:02:02,243 OBAMA MEMOIR ACCORDING TO A NEW SURVEY, MEN WITH SMALLER PENISES ARE MORE 27 00:02:02,243 --> 00:02:08,282 LIKELY TO GET PROMOTED AT WORK THAT REMINDS ME, GIVE IT UP FOR MY NEW HEAD WRITER IAN 28 00:02:08,282 --> 00:02:14,622 SCOLLINS THAT'S RIGHT A NEW SURVEY SAYS MEN WITH 29 00:02:14,622 --> 00:02:18,325 SMALLER PENISES ARE MORE LIKELY TO GET PROMOTED AT WORK WHILE MEN WITH LARGER PENISES ARE MORE 30 00:02:18,325 --> 00:02:24,131 LIKELY TO WORK AS COPS, FIREMEN, PLUMBERS AND PIZZA GUYS, OFTEN ON THE SAME DAY. 31 00:02:24,131 --> 00:02:26,400 AND THAT WAS THE MONOLOGUE WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. 32 00:02:26,400 --> 00:02:30,671 OUR FRIEND, JOHN OLIVER, WILL BE HERE AND SEVEN-TIME EMMY-WINNING 33 00:02:30,671 --> 00:02:34,408 SPORTSCASTER JOE BUCK IS ALSO JOINING US BUT BEFORE WE GET TO ALL THAT, 34 00:02:34,408 --> 00:02:39,213 PRESIDENT-ELECT JOE BIDEN IS MOVING AHEAD WITH THE TRANSITION AND ANNOUNCING CABINET PICKS 35 00:02:39,213 --> 00:02:42,917 MEANWHILE, THE OUTGOING PRESIDENT AND HIS GANG OF VERY BAD LAWYERS ARE LAYING THE 36 00:02:42,917 --> 00:02:47,321 GROUNDWORK TO SPEND FOUR YEARS BASELESSLY CLAIMING THE ELECTION WAS STOLEN FROM HIM. 37 00:02:47,321 --> 00:02:53,661 FOR MORE ON THIS, IT'S TIME FOR "A CLOSER LOOK." * 38 00:02:53,661 --> 00:02:58,799 ONE THING WE KNOW FOR SURE ABOUT DONALD TRUMP IS HE WILL NEVER UNEQUIVOCALLY CONCEDE. 39 00:02:58,799 --> 00:03:01,402 HE MIGHT NOT EVEN LEAVE THE WHITE HOUSE. THEY'RE EITHER GOING TO HAVE TO 40 00:03:01,402 --> 00:03:06,073 OPEN THE ROOF LIKE A TUNA CAN AND SCRAPE HIM OUT WITH A SPOON OR LET HIM STAY IN THE LINCOLN 41 00:03:06,073 --> 00:03:11,912 BEDROOM BECAUSE HIS IDEA FOR A GOLF-THEMED BEATLES COVER BAND, THE FAB FOUR DIDN'T WORK OUT 42 00:03:11,912 --> 00:03:14,115 "DONALD, WE HAVE TO LEAVE. "BUT I'M WORKING ON SOME NEW ONES 43 00:03:14,115 --> 00:03:18,152 HOLD ON. * A HOLE IN ONE * DONALD 44 00:03:18,152 --> 00:03:22,089 HOW ABOUT THIS ONE * CAN'T FIND MY BALL * IF THE BAND WAS GOING TO TAKE 45 00:03:22,089 --> 00:03:29,530 OFF, DONALD, IT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED BY NOW. * A LONG AND WINDING COURSE 46 00:03:29,530 --> 00:03:38,372 THAT IS A PAR FOUR * "OH, I LIKE THAT ONE, DONALD." BUT THE WAY WE KNOW TRUMP KNOWS 47 00:03:38,372 --> 00:03:42,209 THE END GAME IS NEAR IS THAT WITH A FEW EXCEPTIONS WE'VE BARELY SEEN OR HEARD FROM HIM. 48 00:03:42,209 --> 00:03:46,680 IN FACT, TODAY TRUMP CALLED INTO A FAKE HEARING RUDY GIULIANI AND PENNSYLVANIA REPUBLICANS HELD IN 49 00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:50,718 A HOTEL BALLROOM AND ONE OF HIS LAWYERS PUT HIM ON SPEAKER, HELD THE PHONE UP TO THE MIC AND LET 50 00:03:50,718 --> 00:03:54,221 HIM RAMBLE INCOHERENTLY ABOUT OVERTURNING THE ELECTION RESULTS. 51 00:03:54,221 --> 00:04:00,361 I REALLY APPRECIATE BEING ASKED TO SPEAK, AND I'M IN THE OVAL OFFICE RIGHT NOW AND IT'S 52 00:04:00,361 --> 00:04:05,499 VERY INTERESTING TO SEE WHAT'S GOING ON AND THIS WAS AN ELECTION THAT WE 53 00:04:05,499 --> 00:04:10,404 WON EASILY SO, THIS WAS A, VERY SAD TO SAY IT, THIS ELECTION WAS RIGGED, 54 00:04:10,404 --> 00:04:15,443 AND WE CAN'T LET THAT HAPPEN WE CAN'T LET IT HAPPEN FOR OUR COUNTRY. 55 00:04:15,443 --> 00:04:19,680 AND THIS ELECTION HAS TO BE TURNED AROUND, BECAUSE WE WON PENNSYLVANIA BY A LOT AND WE WON 56 00:04:19,680 --> 00:04:23,951 ALL OF THESE SWING STATES BY A LOT. IF YOU WERE A REPUBLICAN POLL 57 00:04:23,951 --> 00:04:27,555 WATCHER, YOU WERE TREATED LIKE A DOG. WHY WOULDN'T THEY OVERTURN AN 58 00:04:27,555 --> 00:04:30,858 ELECTION CERTAINLY OVERTURN IT IN YOUR STATE, BECAUSE WE HAVE OTHER 59 00:04:30,858 --> 00:04:36,097 STATES THAT ARE JUST AS BAD, AND THEY TALK ABOUT CLOSED-CIRCUIT TELEVISION, EXCEPT YOU COULDN'T 60 00:04:36,097 --> 00:04:40,134 SEE IT, BECAUSE THE PICTURE WAS SO UNCLEAR, YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THEY WERE DOING 61 00:04:40,134 --> 00:04:44,305 THEY COULD HAVE BEEN PLAYING A BASEBALL GAME. SO, I REALLY APPRECIATE IT, AND 62 00:04:44,305 --> 00:04:49,110 THE COUNTRY APPRECIATES IT AND WE HAVE TO TURN THE ELECTION OVER 63 00:04:49,110 --> 00:04:53,347 Seth: NOW, I'VE DEFINITELY DONE THAT WITH MY GRANDPARENTS, JUST PUT THEM ON SPEAKER SO YOU 64 00:04:53,347 --> 00:04:57,118 CAN WANDER AWAY AND DO CHORES WHILE THEY COMPLAIN ABOUT THE LAWN BOWLING LEAGUE THEY'RE IN 65 00:04:57,118 --> 00:05:00,354 THIS IS WHAT IT'S GOING TO BE LIKE FOR EVERY AMERICAN WHOSE FAMILY CAN'T TRAVEL FOR 66 00:05:00,354 --> 00:05:04,825 THANKSGIVING, A THREE-HOUR ZOOM CALL WHERE YOU SPEND MOST OF THE TIME OFF SCREEN, CHUGGING WINE, 67 00:05:04,825 --> 00:05:11,832 GOING, "YEAH SO, THE RECLINER CAME. THAT'S GREAT." 68 00:05:11,832 --> 00:05:15,069 ALSO, YOU CAN'T TELL BECAUSE HE'S WEARING A MASK, BUT THAT'S ACTUALLY RUDY GIULIANI 69 00:05:15,069 --> 00:05:17,638 I'M JUST KIDDING RUDY COULD WEAR A HUNDRED MASKS AND YOU'D BE ABLE TO TELL IT WAS 70 00:05:17,638 --> 00:05:22,543 HIM, YOU KNOW, CAUSE HE'S THE ONLY ONE LEAKING SERIOUSLY, IT'S HARD TO DESCRIBE 71 00:05:22,543 --> 00:05:26,147 JUST HOW PATHETIC THIS IS. TRUMP'S BEGGING THEM TO OVERTURN THE RESULTS OF AN ELECTION, BUT 72 00:05:26,147 --> 00:05:29,450 JUST LAZILY CALLING IN ON A SPEAKERPHONE USUALLY, HE AT LEAST WANDERS OUT 73 00:05:29,450 --> 00:05:33,821 TO THE WHITE HOUSE LAWN TO BARK AT REPORTERS LIKE AN AUCTIONEER DRUNK ON COUGH SYRUP 74 00:05:33,821 --> 00:05:38,492 BUT AFTER HE LOST THE ELECTION, REPORTERS HADN'T SEEN TRUMP IN WHAT FELT LIKE A RECORD AMOUNT 75 00:05:38,492 --> 00:05:38,859 REPORTERS HADN'T SEEN TRUMP IN WHAT FELT LIKE A RECORD AMOUNT OF TIME. 76 00:05:41,095 --> 00:05:42,596 PRESIDENT ON THIS. WE HAVEN'T HEARD FROM HIM AT 77 00:05:42,596 --> 00:05:45,499 ALL. HE HASN'T TAKEN OUR QUESTIONS IN OVER TWO WEEKS 78 00:05:45,499 --> 00:05:48,235 Seth: AND WHILE IT DIDN'T SOLVE ANY OF THE PROBLEMS THAT ARE ENGRAINED IN OUR SOCIETY, IT 79 00:05:48,235 --> 00:05:51,405 WAS SUCH A RELIEF NOT TO HEAR HIS VOICE. FOR A MOMENT THERE, THE WHOLE 80 00:05:51,405 --> 00:05:57,745 COUNTRY FELT LIKE THAT MOMENT WHEN THE GUY JACKHAMMERING OUTSIDE YOUR APARTMENT ALL 81 00:05:57,745 --> 00:06:00,681 MORNING LONG FINALLY TAKES A COFFEE BREAK YOU CAN HEAR THE BIRDS AGAIN 82 00:06:00,681 --> 00:06:04,685 CAUSE YOU CAN MUTE TRUMP ON TWITTER, BUT YOU CAN'T AVOID EVERY SCREEN ON EARTH. 83 00:06:04,685 --> 00:06:09,457 EVEN WITH THE SOUND OFF, WATCHING TRUMP WAS STRESSFUL IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU SEE TWO CAB 84 00:06:09,457 --> 00:06:12,626 DRIVERS PULLED OVER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD DOING THIS. EVEN WITHOUT WORDS, YOU KNOW 85 00:06:12,626 --> 00:06:15,796 THEY'RE NOT INVITING EACH OTHER OVER FOR THANKSGIVING. "YOU BRING THE YAMS, ASS 86 00:06:15,796 --> 00:06:17,531 [ BLEEP ]! "AND YOU BRING THE STUFFING, MORON! 87 00:06:17,531 --> 00:06:21,802 "I'LL SEE YOU ON THURSDAY. NOW [ BLEEP ] OFF! BUT TWO WEEKS, TWO WEEKS FOR A 88 00:06:21,802 --> 00:06:24,105 MAN WHO CLEARLY LOVES TALKING TO CAMERAS. I MEAN, WHAT'S GOING ON? 89 00:06:24,105 --> 00:06:27,842 I'M GUESSING SOMEONE HAS TO CRACK OPEN HIS BEDROOM DOOR EVERY DAY AT 2:00 IN THE 90 00:06:27,842 --> 00:06:33,514 AFTERNOON AND SAY TO A LUMP OF BLANKETS, "MR. PRESIDENT, MR. PRESIDENT, DO YOU WANT TO 91 00:06:33,514 --> 00:06:36,317 TALK TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE TODAY? "NO. 92 00:06:36,317 --> 00:06:39,487 "WE THINK IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA." "IS COVID CURED? 93 00:06:39,487 --> 00:06:46,727 "NO, NO, NOT YET." "DID WE WIN MICHIGAN?" "NO, WE LOST IT AGAIN TODAY. 94 00:06:46,727 --> 00:06:51,966 "YEAH. MAYBE WE'LL WIN IT TOMORROW. HEY, CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?" 95 00:06:51,966 --> 00:07:01,042 "SURE, MR. PRESIDENT." "IS RUDY A BAD LAWYER? "YEAH, YEAH, WE THINK SO." 96 00:07:01,042 --> 00:07:05,312 "YEAH, I THINK SO, TOO." BUT THEN YESTERDAY, THE DOW CLIMBED OVER 30 THOUSAND FOR THE 97 00:07:05,312 --> 00:07:10,351 FIRST TIME EVER, WHICH WAS ENOUGH FOR TRUMP TO THROW OFF THE DUVET, PULL ON SOME PANTS 98 00:07:10,351 --> 00:07:15,156 AND GIVE A WEIRD AND TOTALLY UNPROMPTED PRESS CONFERENCE THAT SEEMED TO BE ABOUT NOTHING IN 99 00:07:15,156 --> 00:07:17,525 SEEMED TO BE ABOUT NOTHING IN PARTICULAR AND LASTED ALMOST EXACTLY ONE MINUTE 100 00:07:18,926 --> 00:07:20,294 I JUST WANT TO CONGRATULATE 101 00:07:20,294 --> 00:07:25,766 EVERYBODY. THE STOCK MARKET, DOW JONES INDUSTRIAL AVERAGE JUST HIT 102 00:07:25,766 --> 00:07:30,671 30 THOUSAND, WHICH IS THE HIGHEST IN HISTORY WE'VE NEVER BROKEN 30 THOUSAND 103 00:07:30,671 --> 00:07:34,508 NEVER BEEN BROKEN, THAT NUMBER THAT'S A SACRED NUMBER, 30 THOUSAND. 104 00:07:34,508 --> 00:07:37,445 NOBODY THOUGHT THEY'D EVER SEE IT AND I JUST WANT TO CONGRATULATE 105 00:07:37,445 --> 00:07:41,082 ALL THE PEOPLE WITHIN THE ADMINISTRATION THAT WORK SO HARD 106 00:07:41,082 --> 00:07:45,553 AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, I WANT TO CONGRATULATE THE PEOPLE OF OUR COUNTRY, BECAUSE THERE ARE NO 107 00:07:45,553 --> 00:07:48,923 PEOPLE LIKE YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, EVERYBODY THANK YOU. 108 00:07:48,923 --> 00:07:51,759 Seth: LOOK, I KNOW IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER AND WILL BE FORGOTTEN IMMEDIATELY, BUT 109 00:07:51,759 --> 00:07:57,365 NOTHING HAMMERS HOME THE ALTAR DONALD TRUMP PRAYS TO MORE THAN HIM REFERRING TO THE DOW HITTING 110 00:07:57,365 --> 00:08:03,371 30 THOUSAND AS A SACRED NUMBER "IN FACT, IT REMINDS ME OF MY FAVORITE HYMN -- 111 00:08:03,371 --> 00:08:07,608 * MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY * STILL, IT WAS SO STRANGE TO SEE 112 00:08:07,608 --> 00:08:11,779 A GUY THAT LONG-WINDED AND SELF-OBSESSED KEEP HIS COMMENTS THAT BRIEF 113 00:08:11,779 --> 00:08:15,916 THAT WOULD BE LIKE TURNING TO YOUR UNCLE AT THANKSGIVING AND SAYING, "PAUL, DO YOU HAVE 114 00:08:15,916 --> 00:08:20,187 ANYTHING TO ADD ABOUT PAPER STRAWS OR GENDER PRONOUNS? AND PAUL SAYS, "I'D ONLY LIKE TO 115 00:08:20,187 --> 00:08:25,526 SAY, THIS TURKEY IS THE BOMB," AND THEN YOU ALL SAY THANKS FOR THE FACT THAT UNCLE PAUL FINALLY 116 00:08:25,526 --> 00:08:29,697 DISCOVERED CBD GUMMIES TRUMP JUST WANDERED IN, RAMBLED FOR A MINUTE ABOUT RANDOM STUFF 117 00:08:29,697 --> 00:08:33,634 THAT'S JUST IN THE NEWS, CONGRATULATED THE AMERICAN PEOPLE FOR SOMETHING, AND THEN 118 00:08:33,634 --> 00:08:37,571 LEFT I GUESS THAT WAS HIS ON TO CINCINNATI MOMENT. 119 00:08:37,571 --> 00:08:41,175 TRUMP'S GOING TO START WANDERING AROUND THE WHITE HOUSE LAWN IN A SLEEVELESS HOODIE. 120 00:08:41,175 --> 00:08:44,812 BUT I GUESS THAT'S THE CLOSEST WE'RE GOING TO GET, NOT A CONCESSION, BUT A CESSATION OF 121 00:08:44,812 --> 00:08:47,348 WHINING. THE GENERAL SERVICES ADMINISTRATION HAS FINALLY 122 00:08:47,348 --> 00:08:51,919 ALLOWED THE TRANSITION TO MOVE FORWARD, AND THE WHITE HOUSE HAS FINALLY ALLOWED BIDEN TO START 123 00:08:51,919 --> 00:08:56,190 RECEIVING THE PRESIDENTIAL DAILY BRIEF. IT REALLY FEELS LIKE, IN HIS 124 00:08:56,190 --> 00:09:00,561 ENLARGED HEART, TRUMP KNOWS THIS IS OVER, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN HE'LL STOP CLAIMING IT WAS 125 00:09:00,561 --> 00:09:04,832 RIGGED AND STOLEN FROM HIM HIM AND HIS ALLIES, THEY'RE TRYING TO CREATE A MYTHOLOGY FOR 126 00:09:04,832 --> 00:09:09,103 THEIR SUPPORTERS, AN ELECTION TRUTHERISM THAT WILL ANIMATE THEIR BASE AND BECOME CANON ON 127 00:09:09,103 --> 00:09:13,140 FOX NEWS AND IN THE RIGHT-WING CINEMATIC UNIVERSE FOR YEARS TO COME 128 00:09:13,140 --> 00:09:18,512 FOR EXAMPLE, AN ARIZONA CONGRESSMAN NAMED PAUL GOSAR TWEETED THIS WEEK, "THE AMERICA 129 00:09:18,512 --> 00:09:22,116 FIRST AGENDA IS JUST IN ITS INFANCY. THERE ARE 75 MILLION OF US 130 00:09:22,116 --> 00:09:26,921 ALSO, DID YOU KNOW SOME JAPANESE SOLDIERS KEPT FIGHTING FOR DECADES AFTER THE WAR? 131 00:09:26,921 --> 00:09:31,492 OH, AND I GUESS THEY EVENTUALLY WON? AND THAT'S WHY WE ALL SPEAK 132 00:09:31,492 --> 00:09:35,329 JAPANESE AND HAVE BEAUTIFUL GARDENS? COOL TRIVIA, THOUGH. 133 00:09:35,329 --> 00:09:39,900 IS YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER THE KID FROM "JERRY MAGUIRE" THERE ARE 75 MILLION OF US 134 00:09:39,900 --> 00:09:45,373 ALSO, DID YOU KNOW THE HUMAN HEAD WEIGHS EIGHT POUNDS INCIDENTALLY, THAT'S THE GUY, 135 00:09:45,373 --> 00:09:49,643 GOSAR, WHOSE SIBLINGS APPEARED IN A CAMPAIGN AD FOR HIS DEMOCRATIC OPPONENT, NOT JUST 136 00:09:49,643 --> 00:09:54,248 ONE OR TWO OF THEM, SIX OF HIS SIBLINGS THAT'S LIKE IF MY WHOLE FAMILY 137 00:09:54,248 --> 00:09:57,518 WENT ON JAMES CORDEN'S THANKSGIVING SHOW, WHICH IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, DAD 138 00:09:57,518 --> 00:10:00,888 YOU HAVE A CONTRACT. THAT'S RIGHT, SIX OF GOSAR'S SIBLINGS SAID TO VOTE FOR HIS 139 00:10:00,888 --> 00:10:05,059 OPPONENT IF THAT HAPPENED TO ME, NOT ONLY WOULD I GET OUT OF POLITICS, I 140 00:10:05,059 --> 00:10:09,530 WOULD GET OUT OF THE COUNTRY, I'D MOVE TO SOME SMALL ISLAND WHERE NO ONE HAS TELEVISIONS, OR 141 00:10:09,530 --> 00:10:12,066 ELECTRICITY, OR HAS EVER HEARD OF ME. AND EVEN THEN, I'D PROBABLY END 142 00:10:12,066 --> 00:10:15,469 UP GETTING KILLED BY A 107-YEAR-OLD JAPANESE SOLDIER WHO DIDN'T KNOW THE WAR WAS 143 00:10:15,469 --> 00:10:18,939 OVER THIS IS BASICALLY THE SAME SCAM TRUMP AND HIS GANG OF RACIST 144 00:10:18,939 --> 00:10:22,643 LIARS PULLED WITH BIRTHERISM FOR EXAMPLE, TRUMP KEEPS PROMISING THAT THIS SCOOBY-DOO 145 00:10:22,643 --> 00:10:26,447 VILLAIN REUNION IS TURNING UP EVIDENCE THAT WILL PROVE THE ELECTION WAS RIGGED. 146 00:10:28,082 --> 00:10:32,153 "MASSIVE VOTER FRAUD WILL BE SHOWN. "BIG VOTER FRAUD INFORMATION 147 00:10:32,153 --> 00:10:37,958 COMING OUT CONCERNING GEORGIA. STAY TUNED." WHY IS JOE BIDEN SO QUICKLY 148 00:10:37,958 --> 00:10:42,430 FORMING A CABINET WHEN MY INVESTIGATORS HAVE FOUND HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF 149 00:10:42,430 --> 00:10:47,134 FRAUDULENT VOTES, ENOUGH TO FLIP AT LEAST FOUR STATES OUR BIG LAWSUIT, WHICH SPELLS 150 00:10:47,134 --> 00:10:52,373 OUT IN GREAT DETAIL ALL OF THE BALLOT FRAUD AND MORE, WILL SOON BE FILED 151 00:10:52,373 --> 00:10:56,010 RIGGED ELECTION. Seth: WAIT, YOUR BIG LAWSUIT HASN'T BEEN FILED YET? 152 00:10:56,010 --> 00:11:00,581 THEN WHAT WERE ALL THOSE OTHER LAWSUITS, PRACTICE "JUST WORKING OUT THE KINKS. 153 00:11:00,581 --> 00:11:03,851 NOW REMIND ME, WHO AM I SUPPOSED TO BE TALKING TO, THE GUY IN THE ROBE OR THE GUY IN THE HALLWAY 154 00:11:03,851 --> 00:11:07,455 WITH THE MOP"? GENERALLY SPEAKING, IF YOU'RE ALLEGING A MASSIVE, 155 00:11:07,455 --> 00:11:12,293 UNPRECEDENTED, COORDINATED PLAN TO RIG A NATIONAL ELECTION AND YOU HAVE THE EVIDENCE TO PROVE 156 00:11:12,293 --> 00:11:16,430 IT, YOU DON'T FILE A BUNCH OF FAKE LAWSUITS AND THEN WAIT THREE WEEKS TO FILE YOUR BIG 157 00:11:16,430 --> 00:11:19,934 ONE. HE'S TREATING COURT CASES THE WAY FRED SANFORD TREATED HEART 158 00:11:19,934 --> 00:11:24,839 ATTACKS. FOR THE KIDS YOU THROW IN ONE JOKE FOR THE 159 00:11:24,839 --> 00:11:29,143 KIDS ALSO, AS YOU HEARD THERE, TRUMP CLAIMED HIS, QUOTE, 160 00:11:29,143 --> 00:11:32,947 INVESTIGATORS, HAVE FOUND HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF FRAUDULENT VOTES AND THAT HE 161 00:11:32,947 --> 00:11:36,550 WILL SOON BE PRESENTING THAT INFORMATION TO THE WORLD, WHICH IS EXACTLY THE SAME LIE HE USED 162 00:11:36,550 --> 00:11:39,120 IS EXACTLY THE SAME LIE HE USED FOR YEARS DURING HIS RACIST BIRTHER CRUSADE. 163 00:11:39,854 --> 00:11:41,255 HE MAY NOT HAVE BEEN BORN IN 164 00:11:41,255 --> 00:11:44,191 THIS COUNTRY, AND I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, THREE WEEKS AGO, I THOUGHT HE WAS BORN IN THIS COUNTRY. 165 00:11:44,191 --> 00:11:46,494 RIGHT NOW, I HAVE SOME REAL DOUBTS I HAVE PEOPLE THAT ACTUALLY HAVE 166 00:11:46,494 --> 00:11:50,131 BEEN STUDYING IT, AND THEY CANNOT BELIEVE WHAT THEY'RE FINDING. 167 00:11:50,131 --> 00:11:52,633 YOU HAVE PEOPLE NOW DOWN THERE SEARCHING, I MEAN, IN HAWAII 168 00:11:52,633 --> 00:11:54,902 ABSOLUTELY. AND THEY CANNOT BELIEVE WHAT THEY'RE FINDING. 169 00:11:54,902 --> 00:11:57,638 OF COURSE, THE LEAST BELIEVABLE PART IS THAT TRUMP WOULD PAY FOR ANYONE TO FLY TO 170 00:11:57,638 --> 00:12:01,675 HAWAII AND IF HE DID, I BET THERE WERE A TON OF CONNECTIONS ON THAT 171 00:12:01,675 --> 00:12:04,979 ITINERARY. "OKAY, I NEED YOU GET TO HAWAII ASAP 172 00:12:04,979 --> 00:12:09,450 NO, YOU'LL BE TAKING A SOUTHWEST FLIGHT TO BALTIMORE OUT OF ISLIP, FROM THERE IT'S A BUS TO 173 00:12:09,450 --> 00:12:11,419 DULLES AND THIS IS IMPORTANT, ON THAT NEXT FLIGHT, ONE OF YOU HAS TO 174 00:12:11,419 --> 00:12:15,256 PRETEND TO BE UNDER TWO. I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU'RE THE INVESTIGATORS 175 00:12:15,256 --> 00:12:19,493 DON'T YOU HAVE DISGUISES?" TRUMP'S ELECTION TRUTHERISM IS VERY MUCH LIKE HIS BIRTHERISM, 176 00:12:19,493 --> 00:12:23,130 AN INSANE CONSPIRACY THEORY THAT'S ALSO A SCAM TO ANIMATE HIS BASE 177 00:12:23,130 --> 00:12:28,102 ONE OF TRUMP'S SORT OF LAWYERS, SIDNEY POWELL, IS STILL CLAIMING THE LATE VENEZUELAN PRESIDENT 178 00:12:28,102 --> 00:12:32,506 HUGO CHAVEZ TEAMED UP WITH THE CIA, THE REPUBLICAN GOVERNOR OF GEORGIA AND A VOTING SOFTWARE 179 00:12:32,506 --> 00:12:36,744 COMPANY TO STEAL THE ELECTION AS PART OF A VAST PLOT TO SPREAD COMMUNISM ACROSS THE WORLD 180 00:12:37,845 --> 00:12:45,953 WHAT WE ARE REALLY DEALING WITH HERE AND UNCOVERING MORE BY THE DAY IS THE MASSIVE INFLUENCE 181 00:12:45,953 --> 00:12:52,526 OF COMMUNIST MONEY THROUGH VENEZUELA, CUBA, AND LIKELY, CHINA, IN THE INTERFERENCE WITH 182 00:12:52,526 --> 00:12:57,231 OUR ELECTIONS HERE IN THE UNITED STATES. GEORGIA'S PROBABLY GOING TO 183 00:12:57,231 --> 00:13:02,903 BE THE FIRST STATE I'M GOING TO BLOW UP, AND MR. KEMP AND THE SECRETARY OF STATE NEED TO GO 184 00:13:02,903 --> 00:13:08,275 WITH IT, BECAUSE THEY'RE IN ON THE DOMINION SCAM. HOPEFULLY, THIS WEEK, WE WILL 185 00:13:08,275 --> 00:13:14,615 GET IT READY TO FILE SIDNEY, WHAT'S -- AND IT WILL BE BIBLICAL 186 00:13:14,615 --> 00:13:17,985 Seth: OF COURSE, IT'S ONLY BIBLICAL IF THE NUMBER OF VOTES PASSES THE SACRED NUMBER 187 00:13:17,985 --> 00:13:22,089 OF 30 THOUSAND THIS IS AN IDEA SO PSYCHOTIC, EVEN FOX NEWS WOULDN'T TAKE IT 188 00:13:22,089 --> 00:13:26,394 SERIOUSLY, DESPITE THE FACT THAT BY THEIR OWN ADMISSION, THEY WERE EAGER TO BELIEVE IT 189 00:13:26,394 --> 00:13:28,796 WE INVITED SIDNEY POWELL ON THIS SHOW. WE WOULD HAVE GIVEN HER THE 190 00:13:28,796 --> 00:13:31,866 WHOLE HOUR WE WOULD HAVE GIVEN HER THE ENTIRE WEEK, ACTUALLY, AND 191 00:13:31,866 --> 00:13:37,238 LISTENED QUIETLY THE WHOLE TIME AT RAPT ATTENTION. THAT'S A BIG STORY, BUT SHE 192 00:13:37,238 --> 00:13:41,942 NEVER SENT US ANY EVIDENCE, DESPITE A LOT OF REQUESTS, POLITE REQUESTS. 193 00:13:41,942 --> 00:13:46,414 NOT A PAGE WHEN WE KEPT PRESSING, SHE GOT ANGRY AND TOLD US TO STOP 194 00:13:46,414 --> 00:13:48,916 CONTACTING HER Seth: I'M GUESSING THAT'S NOT THE FIRST TIME SIDNEY POWELL HAS 195 00:13:48,916 --> 00:13:53,120 TOLD SOMEONE TO STOP CONTACTING HER. "I DON'T HAVE ANY DALMATIANS, 196 00:13:53,120 --> 00:13:59,193 CERTAINLY NOT 101 OF THEM. NOW STOP CONTACTING ME." ALSO, THINK ABOUT HOW NUTS THIS 197 00:13:59,193 --> 00:14:03,664 SCHEME IS FOR IT TO BE TOO CRAZY FOR TUCKER CARLSON, THE GUY WHO, JUST LIKE THREE WEEKS AGO, 198 00:14:03,664 --> 00:14:07,068 CALLED JOE BIDEN A HOLOGRAM. TURNS OUT, HE'S NOT, WHICH IS A BUMMER, BECAUSE I WAS REALLY 199 00:14:07,068 --> 00:14:09,804 LOOKING FORWARD TO HIS APPEARANCE WITH THE TUPAC HOLOGRAM AT NEXT YEAR'S 200 00:14:09,804 --> 00:14:13,407 COACHELLA. BUT EVEN AFTER TUCKER WENT ON HIS OWN SHOW AND SAID TRUMP'S 201 00:14:13,407 --> 00:14:17,778 LAWYERS COULDN'T PROVIDE A SHRED OF PROOF FOR THEIR UNHINGED CONSPIRACY THEORY, FOX NEWS HAS 202 00:14:17,778 --> 00:14:21,716 CONTINUED REPEATING VAGUE INSINUATIONS THAT THE ELECTION WAS SOMEHOW RIGGED, EVEN WHEN 203 00:14:21,716 --> 00:14:26,420 THEY ADMIT THAT JOE BIDEN WON AND WILL BE THE NEXT PRESIDENT LEGAL CHALLENGES CONTINUE IN 204 00:14:26,420 --> 00:14:32,426 A NUMBER OF STATES SERIOUS QUESTIONS ABOUT VOTE COUNTING, POLL WATCHER ACCESS 205 00:14:32,426 --> 00:14:36,130 ARE OUTSTANDING. BUT UNLESS THE LEGAL SITUATION CHANGES IN A DRAMATIC, AND 206 00:14:36,130 --> 00:14:41,102 FRANKLY, AN UNLIKELY MANNER, JOE BIDEN WILL BE INAUGURATED ON JANUARY 20th 207 00:14:41,102 --> 00:14:48,609 NOW, TO SAY THIS DOES NOT MEAN I DON'T THINK THAT THIS ELECTION WAS RIFE WITH PROBLEMS AND 208 00:14:48,609 --> 00:14:52,446 POTENTIAL FRAUD. I THINK WHENEVER YOU LOOK AT THIS ELECTION, IT'S BECOME VERY 209 00:14:52,446 --> 00:14:58,352 CLEAR TO PEOPLE THAT SOMETHING IS VERY, VERY WRONG HERE PEOPLE FEEL LIKE SOMETHING IS 210 00:14:58,352 --> 00:15:02,490 REALLY OFF WITH THIS ELECTION. WE ARE FAR FROM DONE WITH THIS ELECTION 211 00:15:02,490 --> 00:15:06,627 THE 2020 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION WAS NOT FAIR. NO HONEST PERSON WOULD CLAIM 212 00:15:06,627 --> 00:15:11,065 THAT IT WAS FAIR Seth: BUT TUCKER, YOU, YOURSELF, TRIED TO GET THE 213 00:15:11,065 --> 00:15:15,503 EVIDENCE THAT IT WAS RIGGED, AND THE PERSON CLAIMING TO HAVE THE EVIDENCE WOULDN'T GIVE IT TO 214 00:15:15,503 --> 00:15:19,540 YOU. ALL YOU DID WAS ASK HER FOR PROOF AND BEG HER TO COME ON 215 00:15:19,540 --> 00:15:24,345 YOUR SHOW, AND SHE BASICALLY FILED A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST YOU. 216 00:15:24,345 --> 00:15:27,648 SIDNEY POWELL TREATED TUCKER CARLSON THE WAY YOU TREAT AN EX. 217 00:15:27,648 --> 00:15:32,119 KEEPS TRYING TO CONTACT YOU THROUGH YOUR FRIENDS "STOP TEXTING BECKA AND JENNY 218 00:15:32,119 --> 00:15:36,157 ABOUT MY NEW BOYFRIEND AND STOP ASKING ME FOR EVIDENCE OF VOTER FRAUD. 219 00:15:36,157 --> 00:15:39,326 THE COGNITIVE DISSONANCE THESE PEOPLE ARE CAPABLE OF IS TRULY ASTONISHING. 220 00:15:39,326 --> 00:15:42,496 THEY'RE LIKE SCIENTOLOGISTS. I'VE ELIMINATED ALL SUPPRESSIVE PERSONS FROM MY LIFE 221 00:15:42,496 --> 00:15:45,466 "BUT IF YOU'RE SUPPRESSING PEOPLE FROM YOUR LIFE, DOESN'T THAT MAKE YOU A SUPPRESSIVE 222 00:15:45,466 --> 00:15:50,371 PERSON?" "WOW, YOU'RE BEING A REAL SUPPRESSIVE PERSON RIGHT NOW." 223 00:15:50,371 --> 00:15:53,741 BUT THIS IS WHAT THEY WANT THEY DON'T ACTUALLY WANT REAL PROOF BECAUSE IT DOESN'T EXIST, 224 00:15:53,741 --> 00:15:57,578 JUST LIKE TRUMP DIDN'T ACTUALLY WANT REAL PROOF THAT BARACK OBAMA'S BIRTH CERTIFICATE 225 00:15:57,578 --> 00:16:00,214 WAS FRAUD, BECAUSE IT OBVIOUSLY WASN'T THEY WANT TO MANUFACTURE AN 226 00:16:00,214 --> 00:16:04,485 INSANE CONSPIRACY THEORY AND A VIRULENT STRAIN OF ELECTION TRUTHERISM THAT WILL EXIST ON 227 00:16:04,485 --> 00:16:08,322 FOX NEWS AND IN RIGHT-WING FACEBOOK GROUPS FOR YEARS TO COME SO THEY CAN GALVANIZE THEIR 228 00:16:08,322 --> 00:16:12,126 BASE BY CLAIMING THE ELECTION WAS STOLEN FROM THEM, AND THAT IN THEIR UNHINGED WORLD VIEW IS 229 00:16:12,126 --> 00:16:16,931 ACTUALLY TRUMP, WHO WON 270 ELECTORAL VOTES, WHICH IS, OF COURSE - 230 00:16:16,931 --> 00:16:23,270 THE SACRED NUMBER Seth: THIS HAS BEEN "A CLOSER LOOK." 231 00:16:23,270 --> 00:16:31,912 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JOHN OLIVER! * 232 00:16:31,912 --> 00:16:33,748 JOHN OLIVER! * * 233 00:16:34,682 --> 00:16:36,717 HI, BUDDY Seth: HEY, BABY BROTHER 234 00:16:36,717 --> 00:16:40,421 YOU KNOW, I'M SO SAD WE CAN'T BE TOGETHER FOR THE HOLIDAYS THIS YEAR 235 00:16:40,421 --> 00:16:43,591 WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I'M RIGHT THERE. Seth: OH! 236 00:16:43,591 --> 00:16:48,429 WHAT'S HAPPENING IT'S OKAY IT'S HEINEKEN'S BESTIE GIFT 237 00:16:48,429 --> 00:16:52,299 EVER Seth: WHAT'S THAT IT'S A WAY TO SEND YOUR BEST 238 00:16:52,299 --> 00:16:56,837 FRIENDS THE BEST GIFT EVER, YOURSELF, AND A SIX-PACK OF HEINEKEN 239 00:16:56,837 --> 00:17:02,443 Seth: THAT'S FANTASTIC, BUT WAIT, YOU GET THE SIX-PACK YOURS IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU 240 00:17:02,443 --> 00:17:07,314 Seth: OH! STOP DOING THAT! I JUST SENT THEM. 241 00:17:07,314 --> 00:17:09,950 YOUR CREW MUST HAVE SET THEM UP LIKE THAT. Seth: WELL, I DON'T CARE WHO 242 00:17:09,950 --> 00:17:15,089 SET THEM UP. I JUST WANT IT TO STOP OKAY, RELAX 243 00:17:15,089 --> 00:17:18,159 HAVE A HEINEKEN. Seth: YOU KNOW WHAT, I SHOULDN'T BE SURPRISED BY THIS 244 00:17:18,159 --> 00:17:22,730 ANYMORE, BUT YOU REALLY DO HAVE SOME FESTIVE CLOTHES THOSE AREN'T MINE 245 00:17:22,730 --> 00:17:26,467 YOU JUST ADD THOSE WITH FILTERS. Seth: FILTERS I DON'T UNDERSTAND 246 00:17:26,467 --> 00:17:28,969 WELL, THAT'S CAUSE YOU'RE OLD. IT'S EASY. 247 00:17:28,969 --> 00:17:33,240 JUST GO TO BESTIEGIFTEVER.COM. Seth: YEAH? THEY'RE ACTUALLY PRETTY GREAT. 248 00:17:33,240 --> 00:17:38,813 NOW I'LL ALWAYS BE WITH YOU Seth: HEY, YOU'RE ALWAYS IN HERE 249 00:17:38,813 --> 00:17:45,152 I KNOW. CHEERS Seth: CHEERS! 250 00:17:45,152 --> 00:17:49,423 I DON'T HAVE TO SHARE THIS WITH THESE GUYS, DO I NO, SETH. 251 00:17:49,423 --> 00:17:56,364 THEY'RE CARDBOARD. Seth: OH. YEAH. 252 00:17:56,364 --> 00:18:10,044 * Seth: WE ARE SO GLAD TO HAVE FRED ARMISEN LEADING THE 253 00:18:10,044 --> 00:18:14,048 8G BAND. I HOPE YOU'RE ALL WATCHING "MOONBASE 8" ON SUNDAYS ON 254 00:18:14,048 --> 00:18:18,619 SHOWTIME FRED, PLEASE GIVE ME A WAVE IF YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUT 255 00:18:18,619 --> 00:18:25,059 THANKSGIVING AND GIVE ME ANOTHER WAVE IF YOU THINK COVID IS A HOAX! 256 00:18:25,059 --> 00:18:32,933 [ LAUGHTER ] AW, FRED, BUDDY. FOLLOW THE SCIENCE 257 00:18:32,933 --> 00:18:36,103 OUR FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS THE EMMY AND PEABODY-WINNING HOST OF HBO'S "LAST WEEK TONIGHT." 258 00:18:36,103 --> 00:18:41,342 YOU CAN STREAM THE SEVENTH SEASON - IT'S SEVENTH SEASON ON HBO 259 00:18:41,342 --> 00:18:44,612 JOHN, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU THE CUE CARD WALLY WROTE HE WROTE "SEASON" TWICE. 260 00:18:44,612 --> 00:18:49,550 ON HBO MAX PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW, OUR FRIEND, JOHN OLIVER. 261 00:18:49,550 --> 00:18:52,086 HELLO, THERE. Seth: GIVE ME THAT CARD, WALLY. 262 00:18:52,086 --> 00:18:54,355 JOHN HEARD THAT AND I WANT HIM TO SEE I WANT TO SEE THE CARD. 263 00:18:54,355 --> 00:18:57,858 Seth: NOW, AGAIN, I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN NOT TO SAY "SEASON" TWICE, BUT I DO WANT YOU TO SEE. 264 00:18:57,858 --> 00:19:02,229 SURE. SURE, BUT YOU WENT FULL RON BURGUNDY, AND YOU JUST -- 265 00:19:02,229 --> 00:19:07,601 THE ONLY THING YOU'RE GUILTY OF IS TRUSTING WALLY TOO MUCH [ LAUGHTER ] 266 00:19:07,601 --> 00:19:10,337 Seth: IT'S TRUE AND ON THAT POINT, YOU ARE GUILTY OF MURDER 267 00:19:10,337 --> 00:19:15,776 [ LAUGHTER ] Seth: HOW ARE YOU, MY FRIEND? YOU KNOW, ALL RIGHT 268 00:19:15,776 --> 00:19:19,513 Seth: YOU'RE IN, AGAIN -- I'VE TALKED ABOUT HOW JEALOUS I AM THAT YOU CRACKED EARLY ON - 269 00:19:19,513 --> 00:19:22,883 YES Seth: TO SHOOT YOUR SHOW IN A VOID 270 00:19:22,883 --> 00:19:25,619 THAT'S RIGHT. Seth: AND THEN WE ALL CAME BACK AND YOU STAYED IN THE VOID. 271 00:19:25,619 --> 00:19:29,223 YOU LOVE THE VOID. I LOVE IT I LOVE THE EMOTIONAL ANTISEPTIC 272 00:19:29,223 --> 00:19:33,060 ATMOSPHERE THAT THIS VOID PROVIDES IT ALSO LETS NOTHING IN. 273 00:19:33,060 --> 00:19:38,632 NOTHING -- NOTHING FROM MY LIFE. IT'S JUST A COMPLETELY STERILE ENVIRONMENT. 274 00:19:38,632 --> 00:19:42,903 Seth: YOU DID HAVE A FANTASTIC SEASON FINALE. YOU BLEW UP 2016, FOUR YEARS 275 00:19:42,903 --> 00:19:44,205 AGO. YES YES. 276 00:19:44,205 --> 00:19:47,808 Seth: AND THEN THIS YEAR, YOU BLEW UP 2020, WHICH, ARGUABLY, DESERVED IT MORE 277 00:19:47,808 --> 00:19:49,143 YES Seth: WHICH IS HARD TO BELIEVE. 278 00:19:49,143 --> 00:19:52,947 WHICH IS WHY WE WENT WITH A SIGNIFICANTLY BIGGER EXPLOSION Seth: AND HOW DOES IT GO -- 279 00:19:52,947 --> 00:19:57,651 HOW DOES IT COME ABOUT WHEN YOU WERE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO HAVE A BIGGER EXPLOSION? 280 00:19:57,651 --> 00:20:01,355 WELL, IT WAS -- LITERALLY, IT WAS JUST ASKING EXPLOSIVES EXPERTS, SAYING, "HOW WOULD YOU 281 00:20:01,355 --> 00:20:05,359 MAKE THIS BIGGER?" AND THEY WOULD KIND OF GO, "HMM, I DON'T KNOW, I GUESS A LOT OF 282 00:20:05,359 --> 00:20:08,262 GASOLINE." I THINK THAT MAKES SENSE [ LAUGHTER ] 283 00:20:08,262 --> 00:20:11,432 I'M NOT EVEN SURE YOU NEEDED TO BE AN EXPERT TO SAY, "JUST MORE GASOLINE," AND THAT'S BASICALLY 284 00:20:11,432 --> 00:20:15,503 IT THAT'S HOW EXPLOSIONS WORK Seth: AND YOU - 285 00:20:15,503 --> 00:20:22,043 BUT YES, WE WENT AND DID THAT IN A QUARRY IN NEW YORK, AND IT WAS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING 286 00:20:22,043 --> 00:20:26,981 IT WAS AN UTTERLY STAGGERING - I WAS A LITTLE BIT COCKY, HAVING DONE IT FOUR YEARS AGO 287 00:20:26,981 --> 00:20:30,451 I'D SAID TO THE GUY, HE SAID, "LOOK, THIS IS GOING TO BE REALLY BIG AND IT'S GOING TO BE 288 00:20:30,451 --> 00:20:32,586 LOUD." AND I SAID, "YEAH, YOU SAID THAT FOUR YEARS AGO AND IT WASN'T 289 00:20:32,586 --> 00:20:35,923 THAT BAD." AND HE LOOKED AT ME WITH TOTAL CONTEMPT AND SAID, "YEAH, THIS 290 00:20:35,923 --> 00:20:41,295 AIN'T FOUR YEARS AGO." [ LAUGHTER ] SO, THAT HAPPENED, AND HE SAID, 291 00:20:41,295 --> 00:20:46,534 TO HIS CREDIT, HE SAID, "LOOK, THIS IS GOING TO -- IT'S GOING TO FEEL VERY HOT AND THEN FOR 292 00:20:46,534 --> 00:20:49,170 ABOUT A SECOND AND A HALF, YOU'RE GOING TO FEEL LIKE YOU'RE ON FIRE. 293 00:20:49,170 --> 00:20:52,106 [ LAUGHTER ] AND HE WAS RIGHT ABOUT THAT. AND THAT SECOND AND A HALF FELT 294 00:20:52,106 --> 00:20:54,542 LONG BECAUSE YOU GET TO A SECOND, YOU THINK, "THIS DEFINITELY FEELS -- 295 00:20:54,542 --> 00:20:59,747 I DON'T HAVE A POINT OF REFERENCE, BUT THIS, I FEEL PRETTY ON FUEGO RIGHT NOW. 296 00:20:59,747 --> 00:21:05,886 AND THEN THEY WERE ALL REALLY, REALLY IMPRESSED THAT I DIDN'T FLINCH, TO THE POINT THAT THEY 297 00:21:05,886 --> 00:21:10,358 WERE SO SURPRISED, IT BECAME ACTIVELY HURTFUL JUST ONE AFTER ONE, "I CAN'T 298 00:21:10,358 --> 00:21:13,661 BELIEVE IT I CAN'T BELIEVE -- NOT EVEN -- THEY EVEN WENT TO 299 00:21:13,661 --> 00:21:15,429 THE MONITOR AFTERWARDS, SAYING, "LOOK! THEY'RE GATHERED AROUND, "LOOK, 300 00:21:15,429 --> 00:21:16,530 HE DIDN'T! LOOK, HE DIDN'T! AS IF -- 301 00:21:16,530 --> 00:21:22,403 AND I GUESS WHEN YOU PRESENT AS A COWARD SO MUCH, IT LEAVES YOU WITH A LOT OF UPSIDE FOR 302 00:21:22,403 --> 00:21:26,574 COURAGE, BECAUSE PEOPLE EXPECT SO LITTLE. [ LAUGHTER ] 303 00:21:26,574 --> 00:21:30,845 THEY WERE ALL ON THE - "I EXPECTED YOU TO JUST CURL UP, LIKE, IN A FETAL POSITION. 304 00:21:30,845 --> 00:21:35,549 YOU DIDN'T CRY ONCE! [ LAUGHTER ] LIKE THE CHILD WE ANTICIPATE 305 00:21:35,549 --> 00:21:39,120 THAT YOU ARE INSIDE. Seth: YOU KNOW, I WAS VERY IMPRESSED AS WELL, KNOWING YOU 306 00:21:39,120 --> 00:21:42,189 WERE PHYSICALLY THERE, I WAS VERY IMPRESSED YEP 307 00:21:42,189 --> 00:21:45,359 IT WAS LOUD. I WAS VERY BRAVE Seth: I THINK THAT -- 308 00:21:45,359 --> 00:21:48,129 I DESERVED A LOLLIPOP AND I DIDN'T EVEN GET ONE. [ LAUGHTER ] 309 00:21:48,129 --> 00:21:53,901 Seth: I MIGHT HAVE -- I MIGHT HAVE GONE FETAL, AND I'M EMBARRASSED TO SAY IT, IF -- IF 310 00:21:53,901 --> 00:21:57,605 WE WERE ABOUT TO EMBARK ON FOUR MORE YEARS OF COVERING A TRUMP PRESIDENCY 311 00:21:57,605 --> 00:21:59,373 YES Seth: AND WE TEXTED A LITTLE BIT. 312 00:21:59,373 --> 00:22:06,814 YES Seth: YOU ACTUALLY GOT TO BE THE FIRST SHOW POST THE ELECTION 313 00:22:06,814 --> 00:22:08,282 CALL, WHICH WAS ON A SATURDAY. YEAH. Seth: AND YOU GOT TO GOT DO 314 00:22:08,282 --> 00:22:09,784 THAT SHOW -- WHEN WE WERE TEXTING, I WAS ABOUT TO GO AND DO REHEARSAL 315 00:22:09,784 --> 00:22:14,088 AND YEAH, YOU SAID TO ME SOMETHING LIKE, "I HONESTLY HAVEN'T THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT I'D 316 00:22:14,088 --> 00:22:18,592 DO IF HE WON." AND I HAD NOT -- UNTIL YOU SENT THAT TEXT, I HADN'T THOUGHT 317 00:22:18,592 --> 00:22:22,963 ABOUT IT EITHER. AND IT REALLY WAS -- THERE IS NO MORE JOYFUL FEELING THAN THE 318 00:22:22,963 --> 00:22:26,100 SOUND OF A BULLET WHIZZING PAST YOUR EAR, IS THERE [ LAUGHTER ] 319 00:22:26,100 --> 00:22:31,172 Seth: HOW WAS IT? WAS IT - EVERYTHING SMELLS BETTER, 320 00:22:31,172 --> 00:22:36,544 FOOD TASTES BETTER, YEAH Seth: WE'VE TALKED IN THE PAST ABOUT HOW PEOPLE WILL SAY, 321 00:22:36,544 --> 00:22:38,512 "OH MY GOD, THE TRUMP ERA, THE COMEDY WRITES ITSELF," WHICH - MM-HMM. 322 00:22:38,512 --> 00:22:41,449 Seth: NEITHER YOU OR I WOULD -- THEY DO [ BLEEP ] SAY THAT, 323 00:22:41,449 --> 00:22:43,517 DON'T THEY, SETH [ LAUGHTER ] Seth: THEY STILL SAY 324 00:22:43,517 --> 00:22:47,254 [ BLEEP ]. THEY DO SAY THAT. THEY DO SAY THAT 325 00:22:47,254 --> 00:22:50,124 AND YOU KNOW, IF THEY WERE TRYING TO HURT YOU, IT WOULDN'T MATTER AS MUCH 326 00:22:50,124 --> 00:22:54,028 THEN YOU WOULD INTERNALIZE, SAY, "OH, YOU WANT TO BE ME YOU SAID SOMETHING YOU KNOW 327 00:22:54,028 --> 00:22:57,832 DISTRESSES ME. CONGRATULATIONS. IT'S THE GENUINE QUESTION THAT 328 00:22:57,832 --> 00:23:03,637 PISSES ME OFF FAR, FAR MORE, AND YOU KNOW IT'S COMING A LOT NOW Seth: WELL, YOU DO SEEM 329 00:23:03,637 --> 00:23:08,109 WELL-EQUIPPED FOR THE NEXT ERA, BECAUSE -- AND I MEAN THIS SINCERELY. 330 00:23:08,109 --> 00:23:13,381 YOU'VE DONE SUCH A GOOD JOB OF FINDING INSANELY DEPRESSING THINGS THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO 331 00:23:13,381 --> 00:23:15,349 WITH DONALD TRUMP OVER THE YEARS. YEAH. 332 00:23:15,349 --> 00:23:17,318 THERE'S SO MANY OF THEM. Seth: AND THERE'S STILL PLENTY OF THAT 333 00:23:17,318 --> 00:23:22,890 THERE ARE SO MANY GIGANTIC, SYSTEMIC PROBLEMS THAT I CANNOT -- WE HAD, GENUINELY ONE 334 00:23:22,890 --> 00:23:28,129 OF THE HAPPIEST MOMENTS I'VE HAD THIS YEAR HAS BEEN THE END OF LAST WEEK. 335 00:23:28,129 --> 00:23:31,198 WE WERE TALKING TO RESEARCH AND WE WERE GOING THROUGH STORIES FOR THE UPCOMING YEAR, AND THERE 336 00:23:31,198 --> 00:23:39,373 WAS SUCH A SMORGASBORD OF HUMAN MISERY, JUST A BUNCH OF SUBJECTS THAT NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND 337 00:23:39,373 --> 00:23:40,775 WOULD TRY AND MAKE COMEDY OUT OF AND I JUST FELT GREAT THINKING, 338 00:23:40,775 --> 00:23:45,179 "THIS IS, THIS IS -- LOOK AT WHAT WE'RE GOING TO BE ABLE TO --" 339 00:23:45,179 --> 00:23:49,784 IT'S -- I THINK THAT'S WHY IT FEEDS INTO HOW FRUSTRATING IT IS WHEN PEOPLE SAY, THIS MUST HAVE 340 00:23:49,784 --> 00:23:55,022 BEEN FUN, WRITING FOR TRUMP. CAUSE IT'S BASICALLY LIKE SAYING TO THE RESIDENTS OF ELM STREET, 341 00:23:55,022 --> 00:23:57,858 "YOU'RE GOING TO MISS FREDDY KRUEGER, AREN'T YOU WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DREAM 342 00:23:57,858 --> 00:24:01,562 ABOUT NOW? I DON'T KNOW, ANYTHING ELSE! [ LAUGHTER ] 343 00:24:01,562 --> 00:24:06,701 LITERALLY, MY IMAGINATION CAN RUN THE GAMUT OF HUMAN EXPERIENCE 344 00:24:06,701 --> 00:24:10,971 NO, I'M NOT GOING TO MISS FREDDY, YOU [ BLEEP ] ASS [ BLEEP ]! 345 00:24:10,971 --> 00:24:31,192 Seth: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE FROM JOHN OLIVER * 346 00:24:31,192 --> 00:24:33,260 Seth: WELCOME BACK TO "LATE NIGHT. WE'RE HERE WITH JOHN OLIVER. 347 00:24:33,260 --> 00:24:36,664 JOHN, I'VE ALWAYS APPRECIATED OVER THE YEARS THAT IF YOU TEXT ME ABOUT SOMETHING WE'VE DONE ON 348 00:24:36,664 --> 00:24:41,902 THE SHOW, IT IS SOMETHING THAT NO ONE ELSE HAS LIKED OR COMMENTED ON 349 00:24:41,902 --> 00:24:48,142 I FELT THAT WAY ABOUT YOUR LONG-RUNNING ADAM DRIVER BIT THAT CAME TO A WONDERFUL 350 00:24:48,142 --> 00:24:50,745 CONCLUSION WITH ADAM DRIVER. YEAH. YES. 351 00:24:50,745 --> 00:24:55,683 Seth: CAN YOU JUST TALK US FROM THE BEGINNING OF IT, THE SEEDS OF WHERE IT STARTED TO THE 352 00:24:55,683 --> 00:24:57,985 CONCLUSION OF GETTING THE REAL ADAM DRIVER? YEAH, THE SEED, THE INITIAL 353 00:24:57,985 --> 00:25:04,425 SEED WAS, YOU KNOW, ONE OF OUR WRITERS WRITING A VERY WEIRD JOKE OUT OF ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE 354 00:25:04,425 --> 00:25:10,097 AND THEN THE WATER ON THAT SEED WAS, BACK WHEN WE HAD AN AUDIENCE IN MARCH, FEELING REAL 355 00:25:10,097 --> 00:25:16,670 RESISTANCE FROM THE AUDIENCE AT THE JOKE IT FELT LIKE THEY ABOUT 40% 356 00:25:16,670 --> 00:25:21,809 ENJOYED IT AND IT LOGGED IN MY HEAD - OH, LET'S TRY AND DO THIS AGAIN. 357 00:25:21,809 --> 00:25:27,615 SO WE DID IT AS A CALLBACK A FEW WEEKS LATER. AND THEY WEREN'T REALLY HAPPY TO 358 00:25:27,615 --> 00:25:30,985 HAVE IT BACK AND SO, AT THAT POINT, IT BECAME SOMETHING OF AN OBSESSION IN OUR 359 00:25:30,985 --> 00:25:40,394 STAFF. AND A FEW MONTHS INTO THE BIT, WE KIND OF -- WE BROKE IT. 360 00:25:40,394 --> 00:25:42,697 ONE OF THE WRITERS HAD WRITTEN SOMETHING KIND OF SAYING, "I DON'T KNOW IF HE EVEN -- 361 00:25:42,697 --> 00:25:46,167 HE DOESN'T SEEM LIKE HE COULD ENJOY THIS ONE." IT COULD BE OVER 362 00:25:46,167 --> 00:25:50,104 THAT WAS AS MUCH OF A RIBBON AS IT FELT WE COULD PUT ON IT SO AT THAT POINT, WE REACHED OUT 363 00:25:50,104 --> 00:25:54,408 TO HIM AND SAID, "I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW WHAT WE'VE BEEN DOING. 364 00:25:54,408 --> 00:25:59,547 THERE'S NO EASY WAY INTO THIS CONVERSATION WE'VE BEEN MAKING SOME COMMENTS 365 00:25:59,547 --> 00:26:06,187 ABOUT YOU, AND WOULD YOU HYPOTHETICALLY BE INTERESTED IN RESPONDING TOWARDS THE END OF 366 00:26:06,187 --> 00:26:10,691 THE YEAR?" AND THE MESSAGE CAME BACK FROM HIM SAYING, HE HAS HEARD ABOUT 367 00:26:10,691 --> 00:26:16,831 IT, HE THINKS IT VERY STRANGE, AND HE'S IN. SO, I THOUGHT, "OH, GREAT. 368 00:26:16,831 --> 00:26:20,835 SO, WE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WE WERE GOING TO DO, BUT AT LEAST WE KNEW AT THAT POINT THAT WE HAD 369 00:26:20,835 --> 00:26:25,673 AN END IN SIGHT. AND YEAH, AS IT TURNED OUT, WHAT THE END IN SIGHT WAS, WAS HIM 370 00:26:25,673 --> 00:26:31,545 CALLING INTO THE SHOW AND EXPLAINING THE WAYS IN WHICH HE WAS GOING TO DEMOLISH ME 371 00:26:31,545 --> 00:26:38,085 Seth: IT WAS ALSO -- WATCHING IT IS A REAL REMINDER THAT ADAM DRIVER IS A TERRIFIC ACTOR. 372 00:26:38,085 --> 00:26:41,288 UNBELIEVABLY GOOD I COULDN'T SEE HIM I WAS DOING IT --- I COULD ONLY 373 00:26:41,288 --> 00:26:45,326 HEAR HIM, AND IT WASN'T UNTIL I WATCHED IT BACK, YOU THINK, OH, [ BLEEP ]. 374 00:26:45,326 --> 00:26:47,294 [ LAUGHTER ] LOOK AT HIM! LOOK AT HIM DOING ACTING, AS I'M 375 00:26:47,294 --> 00:26:51,899 GIVING HIM NOTHING BACK. LIKE, HE'S LITERALLY PERFORMING IN FRONT OF A TENNIS BALL. 376 00:26:51,899 --> 00:26:54,969 THAT'S THE EQUIVALENT OF WHAT HE'S GETTING BACK FROM ME. [ LAUGHTER ] 377 00:26:54,969 --> 00:27:00,741 AND HE'S DOING SUCH GOOD ACTING. Seth: YEAH. AND AT A POINT WHERE IT 378 00:27:00,741 --> 00:27:04,678 REALLY WAS NOT REQUIRED, BUT HE WAS REALLY -- HE WAS REALLY FLEXING MUSCLES. 379 00:27:04,678 --> 00:27:07,048 HE WAS - Seth: YEAH. IT WAS A CASE -- AND I SAY THIS 380 00:27:07,048 --> 00:27:11,252 AS A FAN OF YOURS. WHEN YOU GUYS WERE ON THE SPLIT SCREEN, IT WAS VERY HARD TO 381 00:27:11,252 --> 00:27:18,059 IMAGINE ANYONE WAS WATCHING YOU. [ LAUGHTER ] I CAN'T BE 100% CONFIDENT IT 382 00:27:18,059 --> 00:27:22,930 WAS THERE. IT WAS -- EVERY PART OF THAT JUXTAPOSITION IS [ BLEEP ] 383 00:27:22,930 --> 00:27:26,200 BRUTAL Seth: YEAH. ACTING ABILITY, PHYSICALLY. 384 00:27:26,200 --> 00:27:29,770 LET'S NOT LIE. PUT THOSE TWO THINGS TOGETHER AND IT BARELY SEEMS LIKE THE 385 00:27:29,770 --> 00:27:34,542 SAME SPECIES, BARELY Seth: YOU'VE COME HERE BEFORE 386 00:27:34,542 --> 00:27:37,945 YOU WERE ON THE SHOW BEFORE THANKSGIVING IN THE PAST YES 387 00:27:37,945 --> 00:27:40,981 Seth: AND UNFORTUNATELY, YOU CAN'T BE HERE LIVE, SO YOU MISSED GETTING TO SEE THE TREE 388 00:27:40,981 --> 00:27:43,718 I KNOW HOW YOU LOVE STUFF LIKE TREES. YEAH, I LOVE IT 389 00:27:43,718 --> 00:27:46,554 Seth: HOLIDAY TREES ONE OF THE THINGS I LIKE THE MOST, ACTUALLY, IS THAT -- ARE 390 00:27:46,554 --> 00:27:51,926 YOU STILL BEING TORTURED BY THAT CHRISTMAS MUSIC, ROUND AND ROUND AT 30 ROCK 391 00:27:51,926 --> 00:27:53,994 IS THAT STILL GOING? Seth: NO, BECAUSE THAT WAS FOR THE ICE SKATING RINK 392 00:27:53,994 --> 00:27:56,964 SO WE'RE ACTUALLY, IT'S NOT -- THAT'S A SHAME. Seth: IT'S VERY UN -- 393 00:27:56,964 --> 00:28:01,435 I ALWAYS ENJOYED THE KIND OF -- THE MUFFLED KILLING SPREE MUSIC OUTSIDE OF YOUR OFFICE FOR 394 00:28:01,435 --> 00:28:06,240 BASICALLY 3 1/2 WEEKS. Seth: THE TREE GOT OFF TO A BAD START. 395 00:28:06,240 --> 00:28:07,675 YES Seth: I'M SURE YOU SAW THIS PHOTO. 396 00:28:07,675 --> 00:28:11,078 WHEN IT WENT UP, IT WAS AS THOUGH THEY ASKED FOR, LIKE, A DISCOUNT TREE CAUSE NO ONE WAS 397 00:28:11,078 --> 00:28:15,116 COMING THIS YEAR IT LOOKS BETTER NOW, BUT I KIND OF WISH -- DON'T YOU WISH IT WAS 398 00:28:15,116 --> 00:28:17,952 THAT IT'S A HUGE MISTAKE THEY SHOULD HAVE LEFT IT LIKE 399 00:28:17,952 --> 00:28:22,056 THAT I WAS SO HAPPY WHEN THEY UNVEILED IT AND IT JUST STARTED 400 00:28:22,056 --> 00:28:27,695 WILTING AND STUFF FELL OFF, I THOUGHT, "YES, THAT'S RIGHT. IS IT THE TREE WE WANT 401 00:28:27,695 --> 00:28:31,499 NO IS IT THE TREE WE DESERVE? ABSOLUTELY 402 00:28:31,499 --> 00:28:36,203 EMPHATICALLY, YES, IT IS THEY SHOULD HAVE JUST HUNG ONE STRING WITH, LIKE, LIGHTS 403 00:28:36,203 --> 00:28:38,606 BROKEN - Seth: YEAH. BROKEN ACROSS IT. 404 00:28:38,606 --> 00:28:42,443 Seth: OR PUT IT RIGHT AGAINST 30 ROCK AND, LIKE, TURNED IT AROUND SO YOU COULDN'T SEE THE 405 00:28:42,443 --> 00:28:47,782 [ BLEEP ] SIDE OR JUST LENT IT ON THE GROUND AND PUT A GIANT GARBAGE BAG HALF 406 00:28:47,782 --> 00:28:51,719 AROUND IT. [ LAUGHTER ] THAT'S - 407 00:28:51,719 --> 00:28:56,657 THAT -- I JUST THINK THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A MORE FUN TREE FOR -- NO ONE WANTS A GOOD TREE RIGHT 408 00:28:56,657 --> 00:28:58,959 NOW, DO THEY Seth: YEAH. DO PEOPLE WANT TO LIVE A LIE? 409 00:28:58,959 --> 00:29:02,563 COME ON. Seth: YEAH, IT WAS THE BAD TREE YEAR, I AGREE 410 00:29:02,563 --> 00:29:06,167 CONGRATULATIONS, YOUR FIRST THANKSGIVING AS AN AMERICAN CITIZEN, JOHN. 411 00:29:06,167 --> 00:29:11,072 YES, YES. Seth: I'M ASSUMING IT'S GOING TO BE A MUTED AFFAIR 412 00:29:11,072 --> 00:29:15,543 OH YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, YEAH THERE'S NOT MUCH GOING ON. BUT AS A NEW AMERICAN, I'M 413 00:29:15,543 --> 00:29:20,481 ALREADY PUSHING THE REALITY OF WHAT THANKSGIVING IS ABOUT FURTHER AND FURTHER DOWN 414 00:29:20,481 --> 00:29:24,952 I'LL FORGET ABOUT IT NEXT YEAR [ LAUGHTER ] Seth: I EXPECT NOTHING LESS 415 00:29:24,952 --> 00:29:28,889 FROM YOU HEY, THIS IS NO SURPRISE, AS ALWAYS, IT'S A PLEASURE TALKING 416 00:29:28,889 --> 00:29:31,525 TO YOU YOU, TOO. Seth: HAPPY THANKSGIVING. 417 00:29:31,525 --> 00:29:34,261 HAPPY HOLIDAYS THANKS FOR BEING HERE, BUDDY IT IS A ABSOLUTE PLEASURE 418 00:29:34,261 --> 00:29:37,064 SEE YOU SOON -- MAYBE. Seth: YEAH. YOU KNOW, BACK TO QUARANTINE. 419 00:29:37,064 --> 00:29:39,934 IT'S GOING TO BE A WHILE I WON'T SEE YOU SOON [ LAUGHTER ] 420 00:29:39,934 --> 00:29:43,871 Seth: YOU CAN STREAM THE SEVENTH SEASON SEASON -- WALLY OF "LAST WEEK TONIGHT" ON HBO 421 00:29:43,871 --> 00:29:46,807 MAX. [ LAUGHTER ] WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH 422 00:29:46,807 --> 00:29:53,347 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JOE BUCK * 423 00:30:04,125 --> 00:30:08,896 SEVEN-TIME EMMY-WINNING SPORTSCASTER WHO RECENTLY WON THE PRO FOOTBALL HALL OF FAME'S 424 00:30:08,896 --> 00:30:12,500 PETE ROZELLE AWARD PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW, JOE BUCK 425 00:30:12,500 --> 00:30:15,569 HOW ARE YOU, JOE HEY, BUDDY! HOW ARE YOU? 426 00:30:15,569 --> 00:30:17,304 GOOD TO SEE YOU. Seth: GOOD TO SEE YOU AS WELL 427 00:30:17,304 --> 00:30:21,375 CONGRATULATIONS ON WINNING THIS AWARD. IT WAS VERY COOL TO WATCH HOW IT 428 00:30:21,375 --> 00:30:25,179 HAPPENED YOU WERE GENUINELY SURPRISED, RIGHT? 429 00:30:25,179 --> 00:30:29,116 I WAS, YOU KNOW I DON'T KNOW THAT I WANT TO REVEAL TOO MANY SECRETS, BUT A 430 00:30:29,116 --> 00:30:33,054 LOT OF TIMES ON TV, WE FAKE IT [ LAUGHTER ] WE FAKE BEING SURPRISED, BUT I 431 00:30:33,054 --> 00:30:37,425 WAS. I -- I WAS TOLD BY OUR PRODUCER AT HALFTIME, WE WERE DOING A 432 00:30:37,425 --> 00:30:40,928 THURSDAY NIGHT GAME, FOOTBALL GAME IN CLEVELAND. AND I WAS TOLD THAT I NEEDED TO 433 00:30:40,928 --> 00:30:46,400 HANG AROUND TO WATCH A HALFTIME PRESENTATION BY THE PRO FOOTBALL HALL OF FAME 434 00:30:46,400 --> 00:30:49,670 I'M STANDING NEXT TO TROY AIKMAN, AND I'M THINKING, "OKAY, I'VE GOT TO REGURGITATE 435 00:30:49,670 --> 00:30:53,841 ALL OF THE AIKMAN STUFF HERE ABOUT HOW GREAT TROY IS AND A CREDIT TO THE GAME." 436 00:30:53,841 --> 00:31:00,481 AND THEN IT TURNS ON TO ME AND I WAS LIKE, "MY GOD, WHAT? SO, YEAH, I WAS SURPRISED. 437 00:31:00,481 --> 00:31:05,086 AND IT'S COOL. I MEAN, IT'S A NEAT AWARD. AND IT WAS NICE THAT MY MOM WAS 438 00:31:05,086 --> 00:31:13,294 WATCHING THAT LIVE SHE'S NOW 81 AND DOING GREAT, MADE IT THROUGH COVID. 439 00:31:13,294 --> 00:31:18,099 BEAT THAT DOWN LIKE THE STRONG WOMAN THAT SHE IS, AND SHE GOT TO WATCH HER SON JOIN HER LATE 440 00:31:18,099 --> 00:31:22,136 HUSBAND IN CANTON WITH THAT AWARD, SO THAT WAS COOL. Seth: WELL, THAT WAS THE 441 00:31:22,136 --> 00:31:26,107 EXTRA COOL PART OF IT IS THAT YOUR DAD, JACK BUCK, WON THIS AWARD IN 1996. 442 00:31:26,107 --> 00:31:30,978 AND OBVIOUSLY, YOU KNOW, WITH A DAD LIKE THAT, I'M GUESSING THAT BROADCASTING WAS SOMETHING YOU 443 00:31:30,978 --> 00:31:36,250 ALWAYS WANTED TO DO? YEAH, I THINK, YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU SEE A PARENT THAT LOVES 444 00:31:36,250 --> 00:31:41,489 DOING WHAT HE OR SHE DOES FOR A LIVING AND YOU'RE CLOSE TO THAT PARENT - 445 00:31:41,489 --> 00:31:47,728 MY DAD WAS MY BEST FRIEND, WHICH MAYBE SAYS A LOT ABOUT ME AND WHY I WAS SO LONELY AND DIDN'T 446 00:31:47,728 --> 00:31:51,866 LOSE MY VIRGINITY UNTIL I WAS 18 [ LAUGHTER ] 447 00:31:51,866 --> 00:31:55,469 I THINK I JUST WANTED TO BE HIM. I DIDN'T WANT TO BE ANYTHING BUT A BROADCASTER. 448 00:31:55,469 --> 00:32:01,475 AND SO, THANKFULLY, I HAD A DAD -- IT WAS LIKE A MASTERS CLASS. 449 00:32:01,475 --> 00:32:06,747 AND I GOT TO GO TO ALL THESE DIFFERENT NATIONAL LEAGUE CITIES BY THE TIME I WAS 12 450 00:32:06,747 --> 00:32:11,318 HE WOULD TAKE ME WITH HIM. I WASN'T ACTING LIKE A LITTLE JERK, SO HE WANTED ME AROUND 451 00:32:11,318 --> 00:32:17,091 AND I WAS JUST THERE IN IT WHEN I WAS A LITTLE KID, AND BY THE TIME I WAS 21, I WAS DOING BIG 452 00:32:17,091 --> 00:32:23,230 LEAGUE BASEBALL, AND 27 DOING A WORLD SERIES IN THE BRONX. SO, YEAH, STUFF CAME FAST, BUT 453 00:32:23,230 --> 00:32:29,570 THAT ALL GETS TRACED BACK TO NEPOTISM, AND LOVING MY DAD. Seth: AND YOU STARTED VERY 454 00:32:29,570 --> 00:32:32,640 YOUNG. AND YOU KNOW, NOW YOUR VOICE, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO THINK OF IT 455 00:32:32,640 --> 00:32:37,445 SOUNDING ANY DIFFERENT THAN WE HEAR IT TODAY. I MEAN, WE'RE ALL SO USED TO IT. 456 00:32:37,445 --> 00:32:41,716 BUT DID YOU HAVE TO DEVELOP THE VOICE THAT YOU HAVE NOW? IT WAS -- IT WAS A CONCERTED 457 00:32:41,716 --> 00:32:49,690 EFFORT TO NOT SOUND LIKE I WAS BASICALLY JACK BUCK'S KID GETTING A TURN AT THE GROWN-UPS' 458 00:32:49,690 --> 00:32:55,162 TABLE ON THANKSGIVING. YEAH, THERE WERE TIMES, YOU KNOW -- I THINK I USED TO TALK 459 00:32:55,162 --> 00:32:58,332 KIND OF UP HERE. AND THEN THE MORE YOU REALLY WORK ON IT AND IT GETS LOWER, 460 00:32:58,332 --> 00:33:03,471 AND LOWER AND LOWER. AND BY THE TIME YOU'RE DOING THE GAMES -- AND BY THE WAY, I WAS 461 00:33:03,471 --> 00:33:06,874 AROUND MORE SECONDHAND SMOKE THAN - [ LAUGHTER ] 462 00:33:06,874 --> 00:33:10,144 YOU KNOW, A KID GROWING UP IN A CASINO BUT I MEAN, MY DAD WAS SMOKING, 463 00:33:10,144 --> 00:33:13,514 MIKE SHANNON, HIS BROADCAST PARTNER WAS SMOKING, THE ENGINEER WAS SMOKING 464 00:33:13,514 --> 00:33:17,151 SO I WAS INGESTING ALL THIS STUFF. EVENTUALLY, MY VOICE WAS GOING 465 00:33:17,151 --> 00:33:21,956 TO GET DEEPER. BUT THERE WERE TIMES WHEN MY VOICE CRACKED WHEN I GOT EXCITED 466 00:33:21,956 --> 00:33:25,126 CALLING A BIG PLAY AND I SOUNDED LIKE I WAS EIGHT I DIDN'T SOUND LIKE I WAS 21 467 00:33:25,126 --> 00:33:30,131 BUT I GOT THROUGH THOSE TIMES. AND YOU KNOW, ONCE YOU START GROWING HAIR IN DIFFERENT 468 00:33:30,131 --> 00:33:35,503 PLACES, YOU KNOW, YOUR VOICE SHOULD CHANGE, AND EVENTUALLY, MINE DID 469 00:33:35,503 --> 00:33:39,006 Seth: YOU -- SPEAKING ABOUT VOICE CRACKING, YOU REALLY PUT YOURS THROUGH A WORKOUT. 470 00:33:39,006 --> 00:33:43,911 BACK IN OCTOBER, I THINK, IF I READ IT RIGHT, YOU DID EIGHT STRAIGHT DAYS OF BROADCASTING IN 471 00:33:43,911 --> 00:33:50,684 A ROW. I THINK THREE FOOTBALL GAMES AND THREE POSTSEASON BASEBALL GAMES. 472 00:33:50,684 --> 00:33:53,354 THAT JUST MUST HAVE BEEN BOTH EXHAUSTING AND THRILLING IT'S MORE THRILLING THAN 473 00:33:53,354 --> 00:33:57,591 EXHAUSTING I ACTUALLY WENT 14 STRAIGHT DAYS AND THEN 16 OUT OF 18 ON 474 00:33:57,591 --> 00:34:01,295 NATIONAL TV DOING TWO DIFFERENT SPORTS AND BOUNCING BACK AND FORTH. 475 00:34:01,295 --> 00:34:07,635 AND I LOVE IT. IT IS TIRING, BUT WHEN YOU'RE DOING A WORLD SERIES GAME OR 476 00:34:07,635 --> 00:34:12,339 YOU'RE DOING A BIG FOOTBALL GAME, OR YOU KNOW, WHATEVER IT IS THAT'S ON YOUR SLATE TO DO, 477 00:34:12,339 --> 00:34:16,811 IF YOU CAN'T GET EXCITED FOR THAT AND PUT AWAY BEING TIRED FOR A SECOND, THEN SOMETHING'S 478 00:34:16,811 --> 00:34:21,315 WRONG. SO, YOU KNOW, GREED IS BAD I THINK THAT'S KIND OF WHAT IT 479 00:34:21,315 --> 00:34:26,454 GETS BACK TO IT'S BEING GREEDY AND WANTING TO DO ALL THAT STUFF AND TRYING TO 480 00:34:26,454 --> 00:34:31,892 MAXIMIZE AS MUCH AS I CAN WHILE I CAN. Seth: IN YOUR EARLY DAYS, IT 481 00:34:31,892 --> 00:34:37,598 WASN'T QUITE THOSE HIGH-END GIGS LIKE NFL FOOTBALL AND POSTSEASON BASEBALL 482 00:34:37,598 --> 00:34:42,303 YOU ACTUALLY CALLED A BASS FISHING TOURNAMENT FOUND OUT THAT THERE WERE A 483 00:34:42,303 --> 00:34:48,409 FEW WORDS THAT SHOULD NEVER BE IN THE SAME SENTENCE; LIVE, BASS FISHING, AND TELEVISION. 484 00:34:48,409 --> 00:34:52,279 [ LAUGHTER ] BECAUSE I WAS INTERVIEWING PEOPLE THAT WERE ON DIFFERENT 485 00:34:52,279 --> 00:34:56,283 BOATS IN DIFFERENT LAKES AROUND ORLANDO, AND THEY FORGOT TO TURN THEIR MIC ON, AND IF THEY DID 486 00:34:56,283 --> 00:35:00,855 THAT, THEN THEY FORGOT TO TURN THEIR EARPIECE ON, AND I'M TALKING TO THEM, AND THEY CAN'T 487 00:35:00,855 --> 00:35:05,559 HEAR ME, AND THEY'RE TALKING BACK AND I CAN'T HEAR THEM I KNEW NOTHING ABOUT FISHING 488 00:35:05,559 --> 00:35:11,899 AND BETWEEN THE HOURS, ODDLY ENOUGH, OF, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS, 5:30 TO 7:00 P.M. IN THE 489 00:35:11,899 --> 00:35:18,372 EASTERN TIME ZONE? THE BASS FISH FORGOT TO BITE, SO NOBODY CAUGHT ANYTHING 490 00:35:18,372 --> 00:35:24,578 AND I WAS SITTING THERE LITERALLY SPINNING MY WHEELS FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF 491 00:35:24,578 --> 00:35:29,950 IT WAS THE WORST HOUR AND A HALF OF NETWORK TELEVISION OF ALL TIME 492 00:35:29,950 --> 00:35:33,554 Seth: YOU -- I KNOW DURING, AGAIN, EARLY PANDEMIC, WHEN THERE WAS AN ABSENCE OF SPORTS 493 00:35:33,554 --> 00:35:39,226 AND PEOPLE REALLY FEELING THAT, YOU -- A LOT OF PEOPLE REACHED OUT TO YOU TO ASK IF THEY COULD 494 00:35:39,226 --> 00:35:45,266 USE YOUR VOICE FOR SORT OF SOME NON-SPORTS STUFF YEAH, IT FILLED A VOID. 495 00:35:45,266 --> 00:35:49,637 IT WAS WEIRD, YOU KNOW I WAS TALKING TO MY BOSS ONE NIGHT AND TALKING ABOUT TRYING 496 00:35:49,637 --> 00:35:52,473 TO STAY IN PRACTICE. WE WERE JOKING ABOUT IT. AND HE SAID, "WHY DON'T YOU JUST 497 00:35:52,473 --> 00:35:57,478 START DOING INTERNET VIDEOS AND PUT THEM OUT ON YOUR TWITTER ACCOUNT? 498 00:35:57,478 --> 00:36:01,048 WHICH I DID. I DIDN'T WANT TO DO VIRAL VIDEOS 499 00:36:01,048 --> 00:36:06,787 AND THEN I KIND OF PUT THE CALL OUT, LIKE, SEND ME YOUR BEST AND IT WAS A GUY GRILLING WINGS 500 00:36:06,787 --> 00:36:11,158 ON HIS BARBECUE PIT. IT WAS A FAMILY CLEARING OUT THE LIVING ROOM FURNITURE AND MAKING 501 00:36:11,158 --> 00:36:16,831 A HOOP OUT OF AN OLD ADIDAS BOX AND PLAYING 2 ON 2 WITH A SOCK IT WAS THAT KIND OF STUFF. 502 00:36:16,831 --> 00:36:20,067 BUT I MEAN, THE LAST TIME I CHECKED, IT WAS LIKE OVER 12 MILLION VIEWS OF THESE 503 00:36:20,067 --> 00:36:24,705 THINGS SO, PEOPLE WERE STARVED FOR SOMETHING. 504 00:36:24,705 --> 00:36:32,246 I DON'T KNOW WHAT -- WHAT ITCH THAT SCRATCHED, BUT IT FOUND ITS LITTLE HOME, AND YEAH, THEN IT 505 00:36:32,246 --> 00:36:39,687 KIND OF MORPHED INTO -- INTO AN OFFER FROM A PORN SITE TO ACTUALLY PUT MY VOICE ON SOME OF 506 00:36:39,687 --> 00:36:43,724 THEIR FINE WORK. [ LAUGHTER ] Seth: THIS YOU TURNED DOWN, 507 00:36:43,724 --> 00:36:46,260 RIGHT? I DID OH, I HAD MY MOM CONVINCED FOR 508 00:36:46,260 --> 00:36:52,099 OVER 24 HOURS THAT I SAID YES. IT WAS A COMPANY -- I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT COMPANY IT WAS 509 00:36:52,099 --> 00:36:56,737 AND GOD LOVE YOU, BUT THEY SAID -- THE OFFER WAS SEVEN FIGURES, LIKE A $1 MILLION OFFER 510 00:36:56,737 --> 00:37:07,348 TO SIT LIKE THIS IN MY OFFICE ALL DAY AND PUT MY VOICE TO LIVE WEBCAM SEX ACTS FOR THE VISUALLY 511 00:37:07,348 --> 00:37:10,217 IMPAIRED Seth: YEAH. WHICH, WHILE IT WAS VERY 512 00:37:10,217 --> 00:37:14,922 TEMPTING, I THOUGHT MIGHT DERAIL THE REST OF MY CAREER AND PROBABLY LIFE. 513 00:37:14,922 --> 00:37:19,393 I WONDER WHAT JOE BUCK'S PORN NAME WOULD BE. PROBABLY JOE BUCK 514 00:37:19,393 --> 00:37:21,796 [ LAUGHTER ] Seth: WE'LL NEVER FIGURE IT OUT. 515 00:37:21,796 --> 00:37:25,733 FINE, I FELL INTO THAT. LOOK, I'M NAMED AFTER -- I'M NAMED AFTER A CHARACTER FROM 516 00:37:25,733 --> 00:37:30,337 "MIDNIGHT COWBOY," AND KIDS, WE'VE ALREADY HAD A FRED SANFORD REFERENCE ON THIS SHOW 517 00:37:30,337 --> 00:37:33,841 [ LAUGHTER ] GOOGLE "MIDNIGHT COWBOY JOE BUCK" AND FIND OUT WHAT HE 518 00:37:33,841 --> 00:37:36,444 DID FOR A LIVING Seth: YEAH. AND THEN YOU'LL THINK OF ME A 519 00:37:36,444 --> 00:37:40,081 LOT DIFFERENTLY. Seth: THAT'S AMAZING. I NEVER PUT THAT TOGETHER. 520 00:37:40,081 --> 00:37:43,084 YOU KNOW, IT'S INTERESTING, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE PANDEMIC, AND ONE OF THE THINGS 521 00:37:43,084 --> 00:37:49,156 I FOUND MYSELF DOING WAS WATCHING OLD HIGHLIGHTS OF GAMES THAT HAD OUTCOMES THAT WERE, YOU 522 00:37:49,156 --> 00:37:53,861 KNOW, AS PEOPLE DO, YOU KNOW, POSITIVE MEMORIES. AND IT'S INTERESTING, BECAUSE 523 00:37:53,861 --> 00:37:57,131 YOU KNOW, SPORTSCASTERS ARE THEN, YOU KNOW, TIED TO THAT MOMENT FOREVER 524 00:37:57,131 --> 00:38:03,270 AND I GO BACK, WHENEVER I'M FEELING DOWN, I WATCH 2004 ALCS HIGHLIGHTS 525 00:38:03,270 --> 00:38:08,843 AND I THINK IT PROBABLY IS, YOU KNOW, CERTAINLY IN YOUR TOP TEN MOST-FAMOUS CALLS, WHEN YOU 526 00:38:08,843 --> 00:38:13,914 SAID, "WE'LL SEE YOU LATER TONIGHT" ON A WALK-OFF HOME RUN THAT WAS SO LATE THAT THE NEXT, 527 00:38:13,914 --> 00:38:17,585 YOU KNOW, BASICALLY IT WAS ALREADY THE NEXT DAY YES 528 00:38:17,585 --> 00:38:20,654 Seth: WHEN YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW, ON AN ORTIZ HOME RUN, ARE YOU AWARE IN THE 529 00:38:20,654 --> 00:38:25,259 MOMENT, LIKE THAT WAS A REALLY GOOD ONE UM, YEAH, I THINK THE MAIN 530 00:38:25,259 --> 00:38:29,530 THING IS YOU DON'T REALLY WANT TO SCREW IT UP AND I'M NOT TRYING TO BE HUMBLE 531 00:38:29,530 --> 00:38:32,933 ABOUT WHAT COULD BE CONSIDERED A GOOD CALL. IT WAS KIND OF LIKE A RIP-OFF OF 532 00:38:32,933 --> 00:38:39,073 MY DAD'S CALL, WHICH I BROUGHT BACK AGAIN IN 2011, LIKE BEING A JACK BUCK COVER BAND AND JUST 533 00:38:39,073 --> 00:38:43,844 DOING HIS HIGHLIGHT CALLS ALL THE TIME AND JUST FITTING IT TO THE SITUATION. 534 00:38:43,844 --> 00:38:48,983 BUT I THINK SOMETIMES WHEN IT'S, YOU KNOW, WHEN IT'S A HOME TEAM PLAYER -- AND IN THAT CASE, IT 535 00:38:48,983 --> 00:38:53,988 WAS DAVID ORTIZ HITTING A HOME RUN AT FENWAY, AND THE PLACE IS LITERALLY SHAKING -- YOU JUST 536 00:38:53,988 --> 00:38:57,591 WANT TO SAY A SENTENCE THAT SETS IT UP. AND IN THIS CASE, YOU KNOW, 537 00:38:57,591 --> 00:39:03,297 REMINDS PEOPLE THAT, OH, BY THE WAY, THE NEXT GAME IS LATER TONIGHT, BECAUSE THIS IS EXTRA 538 00:39:03,297 --> 00:39:06,600 INNINGS AND IT'S PAST MIDNIGHT, AND THEN JUST GET OUT OF THE WAY, AND LET THE CROWD JUST GO 539 00:39:06,600 --> 00:39:12,273 NUTS AND CARRY ALL THE ACTION. I MEAN, THERE'S NOTHING THAT I'M GOING TO COME UP WITH THAT'S 540 00:39:12,273 --> 00:39:17,945 BETTER THAN THAT, AND THAT'S REALLY THE WAY THAT I'VE TRIED TO LIVE MY CAREER, WHICH HAS 541 00:39:17,945 --> 00:39:26,053 MADE IT TOUGH IN 2020 WITH BASICALLY EMPTY STADIUMS AND NO REAL CROWD FEEL THAT ARE AT 542 00:39:26,053 --> 00:39:30,091 THESE VENUES AND YET, YOU STILL HAVE TO TRY TO PLAY TO IT, EVEN THOUGH IT'S 543 00:39:30,091 --> 00:39:36,063 KIND OF FAKE CROWD NOISE IN MY HEADSET AND ON YOUR TV AT HOME Seth: WELL, I THINK YOU'RE 544 00:39:36,063 --> 00:39:40,368 DOING A TERRIFIC JOB AND YOU KNOW, WHAT IS FAMILIAR IS SO IMPORTANT NOW, ESPECIALLY 545 00:39:40,368 --> 00:39:46,073 WHEN WE'RE ENGAGING WITH SPORTS. AND SO, PERSONALLY FOR ME, IT'S BEEN GREAT HEARING YOU CALL 546 00:39:46,073 --> 00:39:49,777 GAMES ACROSS ALL THE SPORTS THIS FALL AND I REALLY APPRECIATE IT 547 00:39:49,777 --> 00:39:53,147 AND IT'S ALWAYS SO GREAT TO TALK TO YOU THE COWBOYS PLAY THE WASHINGTON 548 00:39:53,147 --> 00:39:56,217 FOOTBALL TEAM THANKSGIVING NIGHT ON FOX WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE 549 00:39:56,217 --> 00:40:06,460 "LATE NIGHT. * Announcer: FOR MORE 550 00:40:06,460 --> 00:40:08,329 "LATE NIGHT," GO TO LATENIGHTSETH.COM. FOLLOW US ON INSTAGRAM AND 551 00:40:08,329 --> 00:40:12,033 TWITTER @LATENIGHTSETH AND BE SURE TO CHECK US OUT ON YOUTUBE AND FACEBOOK 552 00:40:12,033 --> 00:40:15,770 HEAD OVER TO iTUNES TO SUBSCRIBE TO THE "LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS" PODCAST. 553 00:40:15,770 --> 00:40:34,321 YOU'LL GET "A CLOSER LOOK" AND MORE DOWNLOADED RIGHT TO YOUR PHONE. 554 00:40:34,321 --> 00:40:40,795 Seth: I WANT TO THANK MY GUESTS JOHN OLIVER AND JOE BUCK. I WANT TO THANK FRED ARMISEN AND 555 00:40:40,795 --> 00:40:43,197 THE 8G BAND. STAY TUNED FOR "LILLY SINGH. COME BACK TOMORROW NIGHT FOR OUR 556 00:40:43,197 --> 00:40:46,133 ANNUAL THANKSGIVING SHOW WITH MY PARENTS AND MY BROTHER STAY SAFE. 557 00:40:46,133 --> 00:40:46,133 STAY SAFE. WASH YOUR HANDS. WEAR A MASK.