1 00:00:01,535 --> 00:00:05,106 (ROLAND READING) 2 00:00:08,542 --> 00:00:09,810 (DOORBELL RINGING) 3 00:00:09,843 --> 00:00:11,545 (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) 4 00:00:14,482 --> 00:00:16,150 (DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN) 5 00:00:22,890 --> 00:00:24,258 (DOORBELL RINGING FASTER) 6 00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:30,664 -Immigration? -Revenue. 7 00:00:30,698 --> 00:00:33,834 Mrs. Rose! There are people here from the government! 8 00:00:40,007 --> 00:00:41,008 (MOIRA SCREAMING) 9 00:00:42,343 --> 00:00:44,445 I've been gutted! 10 00:00:44,478 --> 00:00:49,016 John, I've been stripped of every morsel of pleasure I earned in this life! 11 00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:50,751 Well, how do you think I feel, Moira? 12 00:00:50,784 --> 00:00:52,953 Eli was family, for God's sake! 13 00:00:52,986 --> 00:00:54,955 "Leave your finances to me," he said! 14 00:00:54,988 --> 00:00:56,590 Son of a bitch! 15 00:00:56,624 --> 00:01:00,328 ALEXIS: Baby, it's crazy. People are just, like, taking our stuff! 16 00:01:00,361 --> 00:01:02,663 I said, they're taking our stuff! 17 00:01:02,696 --> 00:01:04,965 Can you just step out of the club for a second... 18 00:01:04,998 --> 00:01:06,033 Hold on, hold on! 19 00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:07,735 Those bags are not for you. 20 00:01:07,768 --> 00:01:09,002 My boyfriend bought those for me. 21 00:01:09,036 --> 00:01:11,205 So, theoretically, they are his! 22 00:01:11,239 --> 00:01:13,307 Please, sir, can you step aside? 23 00:01:13,341 --> 00:01:16,410 DAVID: No, you step aside! You step aside! 24 00:01:16,444 --> 00:01:18,011 I'm still trying to wrap my mind around 25 00:01:18,045 --> 00:01:22,082 what kind of a sick person wants to get paid to destroy another person's life! 26 00:01:22,116 --> 00:01:24,618 (SCREAMING) Destroy another person's life! 27 00:01:25,553 --> 00:01:26,654 Where are you taking that? 28 00:01:26,687 --> 00:01:29,089 My very soul has been kidnapped. 29 00:01:29,123 --> 00:01:32,025 There's no ransom. No one's coming to save me! 30 00:01:32,059 --> 00:01:34,094 JOHNNY: We've got 15 minutes to collect our personals. 31 00:01:34,128 --> 00:01:35,729 -Can we pick up the pace? -MOIRA: No. 32 00:01:35,763 --> 00:01:38,932 No! Did you put Kristen with Robin? They don't like each other! 33 00:01:38,966 --> 00:01:41,135 No! No! (SOBBING) 34 00:01:42,570 --> 00:01:44,838 LAWYER: Eli really did a number, Johnny. 35 00:01:44,872 --> 00:01:46,440 He took everything. 36 00:01:46,474 --> 00:01:48,709 They're still looking for him. They think he's in the Caymans. 37 00:01:48,742 --> 00:01:51,979 He was our business manager. He's supposed to pay taxes! 38 00:01:52,012 --> 00:01:53,080 Hmm. 39 00:01:53,113 --> 00:01:55,649 There is a very small amount set aside for you, 40 00:01:55,683 --> 00:01:58,986 and one asset the government has allowed you to retain. 41 00:01:59,019 --> 00:02:00,053 The kids. 42 00:02:01,054 --> 00:02:02,923 The children are dependents, Moira. 43 00:02:05,693 --> 00:02:09,430 You bought a small town in 1991, Johnny. 44 00:02:09,463 --> 00:02:12,766 Yes, I bought that as a joke for my son. 45 00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:15,703 Wait, you actually purchased that town? 46 00:02:15,736 --> 00:02:18,806 Yes, I purchased the town. How else could I get the deed? 47 00:02:18,839 --> 00:02:20,208 You could've photoshopped the deed! 48 00:02:20,241 --> 00:02:21,809 And saved the money! Saved the money! 49 00:02:21,842 --> 00:02:24,478 Why would I photoshop a deed? The joke was owning the town! 50 00:02:24,512 --> 00:02:25,779 -Okay, stop. -That was the joke! 51 00:02:25,813 --> 00:02:27,315 -Oh, my God! -Well, that was the joke! 52 00:02:27,348 --> 00:02:28,816 To Johnny's credit, 53 00:02:28,849 --> 00:02:32,553 this town might just be your saving grace. 54 00:02:32,586 --> 00:02:34,688 -At least for a while. -What do you mean? 55 00:02:34,722 --> 00:02:37,225 You can live there for next to nothing, until you get back on your feet. 56 00:02:37,258 --> 00:02:39,693 I'm sure there's a penthouse we can move into. 57 00:02:39,727 --> 00:02:42,162 Please, there are other options. 58 00:02:42,196 --> 00:02:44,898 Well, homelessness is still on the table. 59 00:02:58,479 --> 00:03:02,082 ALEXIS: The whole time I was surrounded by old women wearing visors, 60 00:03:02,115 --> 00:03:03,651 who smelled like yams! 61 00:03:04,885 --> 00:03:06,887 There was nowhere to lie down! 62 00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:09,122 There was nowhere to lie down. There was no bed! 63 00:03:09,156 --> 00:03:10,791 -(DAVID GRUNTING) -There was no kitchen. 64 00:03:10,824 --> 00:03:13,727 I know! No. 65 00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:16,063 I don't know what to tell you. 66 00:03:16,096 --> 00:03:17,831 There's like, cows all over the place. 67 00:03:17,865 --> 00:03:19,467 Like, everywhere. 68 00:03:19,500 --> 00:03:21,469 I don't know if there's an infestation. 69 00:03:21,502 --> 00:03:23,804 I don't know what's happening. Yeah. 70 00:03:23,837 --> 00:03:26,206 (CLEARS THROAT) Johnny Rose! 71 00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:29,677 Roland Schitt. 72 00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:32,212 You're the mayor we're supposed to meet. 73 00:03:32,246 --> 00:03:33,514 That's right. I'm the mayor. 74 00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:36,016 So if you're looking for an ass to kiss, it's mine! 75 00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:37,050 (CHUCKLES) 76 00:03:38,386 --> 00:03:40,821 Oh, this is my family, my son... 77 00:03:40,854 --> 00:03:43,791 Let's get you all squared away in the office there, Johnny, okay? 78 00:03:43,824 --> 00:03:46,193 The gals can grab the bags. You follow me, all right? 79 00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:48,161 Right this way. Watch it, honey. Here we come. 80 00:03:48,195 --> 00:03:50,631 ALEXIS: The Cheaters marathon we watched, it's like that. 81 00:03:50,664 --> 00:03:52,666 Children, keep an eye on these bags. 82 00:03:52,700 --> 00:03:55,336 Apparently in hell, there's no bellman! 83 00:03:56,604 --> 00:03:57,905 -David, what are we... -Shut up! 84 00:03:59,106 --> 00:04:00,741 -You shut up! -You shut up! 85 00:04:00,774 --> 00:04:03,411 -Um, you shut up! -You shut up! 86 00:04:06,113 --> 00:04:07,448 The name is Rose. 87 00:04:07,481 --> 00:04:10,518 I don't see a reservation under that name. 88 00:04:10,551 --> 00:04:13,220 It's okay, Stevie. I set aside two rooms for them. 89 00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:14,622 Well, there's nothing here. 90 00:04:14,655 --> 00:04:16,624 Well, okay, fine. Just book 'em in with two rooms. 91 00:04:16,657 --> 00:04:19,192 These people own the town. They're big deals. 92 00:04:19,226 --> 00:04:21,061 We'll need three rooms, minimum. 93 00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:22,963 Ooh, no can do, honey. 94 00:04:22,996 --> 00:04:25,333 Look, we have a one-room comp policy here, 95 00:04:25,366 --> 00:04:29,036 and I am personally throwing in an extra room out of sheer decency, so... 96 00:04:29,069 --> 00:04:31,705 What about suites? Do you have a couple of suites? 97 00:04:31,739 --> 00:04:32,940 (CHUCKLES) This guy! 98 00:04:32,973 --> 00:04:34,442 Um... 99 00:04:34,475 --> 00:04:37,478 No, this is a motel. 100 00:04:37,511 --> 00:04:41,349 So we cater more to off road truckers and drunk teenagers. 101 00:04:41,382 --> 00:04:46,219 Please, someone just give me a key, to a door, to a room, any room! 102 00:04:46,253 --> 00:04:49,957 I just want a bathtub and a long extension cord, please. 103 00:04:51,058 --> 00:04:53,527 ROLAND: There you go, ma'am. 104 00:04:58,532 --> 00:05:00,200 Smells like a gym bag. 105 00:05:00,233 --> 00:05:02,202 Dees anyone else feel light-headed? 106 00:05:02,235 --> 00:05:05,806 Oh, my God, this takes me back to high school. 107 00:05:05,839 --> 00:05:09,777 You know, I did the deed in just about every room in this place. 108 00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:13,113 Yep, if a forensic team came in here with one of those blue lights, 109 00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:14,648 this place would just light up! 110 00:05:14,682 --> 00:05:16,083 Okay, that's good. 111 00:05:16,116 --> 00:05:18,185 -Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! -Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 112 00:05:18,218 --> 00:05:20,754 Oh, hey, chief, the other room's right through there. 113 00:05:20,788 --> 00:05:21,789 Here you go. 114 00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:23,957 (ROLAND SIGHING) 115 00:05:25,926 --> 00:05:27,294 MOIRA: And there's the bed. 116 00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:32,400 I should probably pull off that cover and burn it. 117 00:05:32,433 --> 00:05:33,867 All right. 118 00:05:33,901 --> 00:05:38,171 Good, Roland. Thank you very much. Appreciate everything... 119 00:05:38,205 --> 00:05:39,607 ANNOUNCER ON TV: Have a ball in the land down under! 120 00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:40,841 Ever wanna ride a kangaroo? 121 00:05:40,874 --> 00:05:42,209 Okay. 122 00:05:42,943 --> 00:05:44,011 (CHANGING CHANNELS) 123 00:05:44,044 --> 00:05:45,513 ALEXIS: Okay. 124 00:05:47,014 --> 00:05:48,449 Okay. 125 00:05:48,482 --> 00:05:49,483 (DAVID GRUNTS) 126 00:05:50,250 --> 00:05:52,185 (CHUCKLES) Okay, okay. 127 00:05:52,953 --> 00:05:55,288 Okay, okay, okay. 128 00:05:55,322 --> 00:05:58,258 Okay. Okay. 129 00:05:59,126 --> 00:06:00,360 Okay. 130 00:06:02,162 --> 00:06:03,597 Okay! 131 00:06:05,098 --> 00:06:07,435 Okay. Okay. I love you! 132 00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:12,806 Oh, okay, well, looks like you got all the channels 133 00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:15,476 except for Channel 19 for some reason. I don't know why. 134 00:06:15,509 --> 00:06:18,211 Well, the thing is we won't be watching a lot of television. 135 00:06:18,245 --> 00:06:20,213 But again, thank you. 136 00:06:20,247 --> 00:06:23,917 Don't want to keep you. I know you're a busy man. 137 00:06:23,951 --> 00:06:25,453 (STATIC CONTINUES HISSING) 138 00:06:29,857 --> 00:06:31,024 (SIGHS) 139 00:06:34,094 --> 00:06:35,395 (MUFFLED RETCH) 140 00:06:36,997 --> 00:06:37,998 Whoa! 141 00:06:39,433 --> 00:06:40,434 -(DOOR OPENING) -(MUSIC PLAYING) 142 00:06:43,637 --> 00:06:46,006 -Hi. -Can I help you? 143 00:06:46,039 --> 00:06:47,875 -I'm looking for an extra towel. -Okay. 144 00:06:47,908 --> 00:06:49,309 And this might be a stupid question, 145 00:06:49,342 --> 00:06:51,612 considering the state of the rugs in our room, 146 00:06:51,645 --> 00:06:56,183 but do you have a business center here? 147 00:06:56,216 --> 00:06:59,052 Yes, we do have a business center. 148 00:06:59,086 --> 00:07:01,589 You can find it right outside the doors to your left, 149 00:07:01,622 --> 00:07:04,357 right beside the Hammam spa. 150 00:07:04,391 --> 00:07:06,259 Would you like me to book you a treatment while you're at it? 151 00:07:06,293 --> 00:07:08,128 Thank you. No, just the towel, thanks. 152 00:07:08,161 --> 00:07:09,763 I'll get those right out. 153 00:07:14,067 --> 00:07:15,469 Well, Roland, once again, thank you 154 00:07:15,503 --> 00:07:17,538 for giving us the lay of the land here, 155 00:07:17,571 --> 00:07:19,540 but we have some serious unpacking to do. 156 00:07:19,573 --> 00:07:22,175 -If you don't mind. -Oh, sure! 157 00:07:22,209 --> 00:07:24,978 No problem there, Johnny. I don't mind helpin' out. 158 00:07:25,012 --> 00:07:29,783 -Listen, one thing before I go here... -(CLEARS THROAT) 159 00:07:29,817 --> 00:07:31,919 Do you mind if I use your toilet? 160 00:07:33,987 --> 00:07:37,324 Is it absolutely necessary? (CHUCKLES) 161 00:07:37,357 --> 00:07:38,458 (LAUGHING) 162 00:07:38,492 --> 00:07:42,863 Yeah, I would say it's absolutely necessary! 163 00:07:42,896 --> 00:07:45,799 Excuse me. "Absolutely necessary." 164 00:07:45,833 --> 00:07:50,804 Yes, that train has left the station, if you know what I mean! 165 00:07:53,173 --> 00:07:54,307 I need that bed. 166 00:07:54,642 --> 00:07:55,676 Why? 167 00:07:55,709 --> 00:07:57,444 -Because I need it. -Why? 168 00:07:57,477 --> 00:07:58,746 Because if someone were to break in here 169 00:07:58,779 --> 00:08:00,313 in the middle of the night wanting to murder us, 170 00:08:00,347 --> 00:08:01,915 they would attack this bed first. 171 00:08:01,949 --> 00:08:04,151 So I need this bed. 172 00:08:04,184 --> 00:08:06,554 So you're saying that you want me to get murdered first? 173 00:08:06,587 --> 00:08:08,622 In front of you? And then what would you do? 174 00:08:08,656 --> 00:08:11,859 Would you just run away and leave me to bleed out on the floor? 175 00:08:12,860 --> 00:08:14,728 Sort of, that was the plan, yeah. 176 00:08:14,762 --> 00:08:16,396 Okay. 177 00:08:16,429 --> 00:08:18,298 Well, you can have the bed when I leave. 178 00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:20,233 Well, where are you going? 179 00:08:20,267 --> 00:08:22,035 Stavros is flying in to get me. I told you that. 180 00:08:22,069 --> 00:08:24,838 What do you mean Stavros is... 181 00:08:24,872 --> 00:08:26,707 What do you mean? When? When is he doing that? 182 00:08:26,740 --> 00:08:29,509 Like, whenever stupid Mary-Kate stops hogging his plane. 183 00:08:29,543 --> 00:08:31,078 Well, where are we going? 184 00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:36,216 Okay. At present, he's just coming for me. 185 00:08:36,249 --> 00:08:37,384 But then I figured that 186 00:08:37,417 --> 00:08:40,721 we would just come back and grab you guys at some point. 187 00:08:40,754 --> 00:08:47,194 What kind of sociopath abandons her family in some vomit-soaked dump 188 00:08:47,227 --> 00:08:49,496 to gallivant around the world 189 00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:53,667 with her dumb shipping-heir loser boyfriend she's known for three months? 190 00:08:53,701 --> 00:08:57,671 David, it will be four months next month! 191 00:08:57,705 --> 00:08:59,707 Oh, my God! 192 00:08:59,740 --> 00:09:01,141 And he just told me that 193 00:09:01,174 --> 00:09:03,844 he could potentially see himself considering saying "I love you" 194 00:09:03,877 --> 00:09:05,879 at some point sometime soon, so... 195 00:09:05,913 --> 00:09:08,315 That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I'm telling Mom. 196 00:09:08,348 --> 00:09:09,917 I'm telling Mom and Dad. Have you told them? 197 00:09:09,950 --> 00:09:12,352 No! No. David, I'm waiting for the right opportunity. 198 00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:14,421 Okay? Otherwise, Dad's gonna cry, 199 00:09:14,454 --> 00:09:17,591 and Mom's gonna do that thing where she pretends that nothing's wrong, 200 00:09:17,625 --> 00:09:20,227 and then just doesn't talk to me for five months, and I don't want that. 201 00:09:20,260 --> 00:09:23,764 Well, I need this bed. I need it. So... 202 00:09:23,797 --> 00:09:26,133 You know what, David? 203 00:09:26,166 --> 00:09:28,235 You get murdered first for once! 204 00:09:28,268 --> 00:09:30,537 No, you get murdered first! 205 00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:32,572 David, you get murdered first! 206 00:09:32,606 --> 00:09:34,908 -No, you! You do! -Yes, you get murdered first! 207 00:09:34,942 --> 00:09:37,410 ALEXIS: David, you get murdered first! 208 00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:50,523 I actually think this place is kind of cute. 209 00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:53,060 Did you say cute? 210 00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:57,397 No, Alexis. Martha Stewart's Hampton home is cute. 211 00:09:59,266 --> 00:10:00,600 Where's that weird man? 212 00:10:00,634 --> 00:10:01,669 (MOUTHING) 213 00:10:01,702 --> 00:10:03,103 Where? 214 00:10:04,471 --> 00:10:07,841 He's in the bathroom. He won't leave! 215 00:10:07,875 --> 00:10:09,843 Well, he's been in there for a very long... 216 00:10:09,877 --> 00:10:12,913 -Oh, my God! Oh, my God! -(TOILET FLUSHES) 217 00:10:12,946 --> 00:10:16,449 Jeez. Boy. 218 00:10:16,483 --> 00:10:19,519 Remind me to get that window fixed. It will not open. 219 00:10:19,552 --> 00:10:21,621 Roland, listen, thank you very much. 220 00:10:21,655 --> 00:10:23,390 But I appreciate everything you've done. 221 00:10:23,423 --> 00:10:26,760 -We need a little private time now as a family. -(TV SWITCHES ON) 222 00:10:26,794 --> 00:10:30,163 Sure. Well, actually, those curtains do close there, so... 223 00:10:30,197 --> 00:10:31,231 (MOUTHING) 224 00:10:31,264 --> 00:10:33,566 Oh, look! You've got Channel 19! 225 00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:36,804 Roland, could you get the fuck out? 226 00:10:36,837 --> 00:10:39,606 ANNOUNCER ON TV: This latest model is a revelation in innovation. 227 00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:40,941 I am not lying, folks. 228 00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:43,410 It's gonna last you a lifetime. You are gonna thank... 229 00:10:43,443 --> 00:10:44,444 (TV SWITCHES OFF) 230 00:10:46,446 --> 00:10:50,450 That was an overreaction. That was uncalled for. 231 00:10:50,483 --> 00:10:55,355 It's just, you know, we're a little tired. It's been a long day. 232 00:10:55,388 --> 00:10:59,492 There's a pharmacy worth of drugs wearing off on most of us right now, 233 00:10:59,526 --> 00:11:02,863 and I just think as a family, we need a little time to chill. 234 00:11:02,896 --> 00:11:06,133 Johnny, please, you don't have to apologize, 235 00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:08,869 and you really don't have to hit me over the head with this sort of thing. 236 00:11:08,902 --> 00:11:10,070 I get it. 237 00:11:10,103 --> 00:11:12,072 You need your little family time and all that. 238 00:11:12,105 --> 00:11:14,107 I'm sure. No problem. 239 00:11:14,141 --> 00:11:16,744 You know what I'll do? I'll... 240 00:11:16,777 --> 00:11:20,647 I'll just get the fuck out of here. 241 00:11:34,795 --> 00:11:36,363 DAVID: We have to eat in here? 242 00:11:36,396 --> 00:11:38,631 -I think it's kind of sweet. -(DAVID SIGHS) 243 00:11:38,665 --> 00:11:41,334 Alexis, what's going on with you? 244 00:11:42,169 --> 00:11:43,804 What do you mean? 245 00:11:43,837 --> 00:11:46,874 Seriously? The room was "cute," this place is "sweet." 246 00:11:46,907 --> 00:11:49,242 I am personally offended by this place. 247 00:11:49,276 --> 00:11:51,611 I don't know what you think is nice about it. 248 00:11:51,644 --> 00:11:54,882 The town is disgusting. It is gruesome. 249 00:11:54,915 --> 00:12:00,120 It is charming. It is quaint. It's like out of a storybook. 250 00:12:00,153 --> 00:12:02,555 Alexis, what the hell is the matter with you? 251 00:12:04,091 --> 00:12:06,326 (GROANS) Okay. 252 00:12:06,359 --> 00:12:08,195 Stavros is flying in to get me, 253 00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:10,730 and I am going to go live with him for a little bit. 254 00:12:10,764 --> 00:12:12,933 Well, that is not happening. 255 00:12:12,966 --> 00:12:18,371 And I am appalled that my baby girl has turned into a selfish, duplicitous whore! 256 00:12:18,405 --> 00:12:19,606 Oh, hello! 257 00:12:19,639 --> 00:12:22,776 Hi, I'm Twyla. I'll be your waitress today. 258 00:12:22,810 --> 00:12:26,479 Anyway, I read about you guys and everything you've gone through. 259 00:12:26,513 --> 00:12:28,381 It sounds super crappy. 260 00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:29,850 Super crappy? 261 00:12:29,883 --> 00:12:32,652 I had a second cousin in Elmdale who did telemarketing. 262 00:12:32,685 --> 00:12:34,121 He made a ton of money. 263 00:12:34,154 --> 00:12:37,424 Turns out his entire business was illegal, and he lost everything. 264 00:12:37,457 --> 00:12:39,426 Hmm. Not quite the same. 265 00:12:39,459 --> 00:12:42,362 Yeah. No, he went to prison, which is terrible, but... 266 00:12:42,395 --> 00:12:44,798 But he is learning Spanish. 267 00:12:44,832 --> 00:12:49,102 No mas, le duele! I think it means, "Stop, it hurts." 268 00:12:49,136 --> 00:12:51,805 Oh, wonderful anecdote. Could you give us a moment, please? 269 00:12:51,839 --> 00:12:54,141 Whenever you're ready. I'm just right over here. 270 00:12:54,174 --> 00:12:57,277 I forbid you to abandon our family. 271 00:12:57,310 --> 00:12:59,146 I am a grown woman, mother. 272 00:12:59,179 --> 00:13:01,214 This is the act of a spoiled child! 273 00:13:01,248 --> 00:13:03,951 I think it's unforgivable! 274 00:13:03,984 --> 00:13:05,953 I think that you're just super jealous, 275 00:13:05,986 --> 00:13:08,021 'cause I'm getting out of here! 276 00:13:08,055 --> 00:13:10,157 Also, you have a big thing of dandruff on your eyebrow. 277 00:13:10,190 --> 00:13:12,325 -Don't do that! -Kids, stop, stop! 278 00:13:12,359 --> 00:13:16,329 The world is falling apart around us, John, and I'm dying inside. 279 00:13:16,363 --> 00:13:18,698 Well, I'm feeling a little queasy myself. 280 00:13:19,666 --> 00:13:21,234 Oh, brisket! 281 00:13:21,268 --> 00:13:24,404 -Give me some space! -ALEXIS: David! 282 00:13:30,777 --> 00:13:32,079 John. 283 00:13:32,980 --> 00:13:34,214 -Oh, my God! -ALEXIS: Um... 284 00:13:38,785 --> 00:13:41,354 These rooms did have doors, didn't they? 285 00:13:41,388 --> 00:13:43,156 Yeah, it's a hotel. They're hotel rooms. 286 00:13:43,190 --> 00:13:46,193 It's a motel! These are motel rooms. 287 00:13:46,226 --> 00:13:47,794 What if they took our stuff? 288 00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:49,897 What stuff? There's no stuff to take. 289 00:13:49,930 --> 00:13:51,564 I have stuff! 290 00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:55,102 Son of a bitch! 291 00:13:58,505 --> 00:13:59,907 (MUSIC PLAYING) 292 00:14:02,475 --> 00:14:03,676 Yeah, I've got a problem. 293 00:14:03,710 --> 00:14:06,213 -If this is about doors... -Yeah, it's about doors. 294 00:14:06,246 --> 00:14:09,316 Yeah, my doors are gone, my front door. Somebody stole my doors! 295 00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:11,818 Yeah, you're gonna have to talk to Roland about that. 296 00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:13,053 He lives just down the street. 297 00:14:13,086 --> 00:14:15,288 You make a left out of the motel and then another left. 298 00:14:15,322 --> 00:14:17,490 It's a house with a truck in the driveway. 299 00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:20,060 There's a bumper sticker of a naked Helen Mirren. 300 00:14:22,395 --> 00:14:23,463 (MOIRA SCREAMS) 301 00:14:23,496 --> 00:14:26,599 Oh, my God, no! No! No! 302 00:14:26,633 --> 00:14:28,035 What? 303 00:14:28,068 --> 00:14:30,537 My earrings! They were there. They're not there! 304 00:14:30,570 --> 00:14:33,240 -Where did they go? -I don't know! I don't know! 305 00:14:33,273 --> 00:14:35,208 First you threatened to abandon me, 306 00:14:35,242 --> 00:14:37,444 and now my precious diamonds are gone! 307 00:14:37,477 --> 00:14:39,746 Okay, you are being super dramatic right now. 308 00:14:39,779 --> 00:14:41,781 Shut up and look for them! 309 00:14:41,814 --> 00:14:42,815 (SHRIEKING) 310 00:14:43,683 --> 00:14:45,285 (CONTINUES SHRIEKING) 311 00:14:48,755 --> 00:14:50,590 (SOBBING HYSTERICALLY) 312 00:14:50,623 --> 00:14:51,624 (SCREAMING) 313 00:14:52,425 --> 00:14:54,361 Get open! 314 00:14:59,399 --> 00:15:02,069 JOHNNY: Roland, I see you behind the truck! 315 00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:04,904 Yeah, of course you see me. 316 00:15:04,938 --> 00:15:06,806 I'm looking at my gravel. 317 00:15:08,441 --> 00:15:10,810 Gravel these days. What are you gonna do? 318 00:15:10,843 --> 00:15:12,312 Yeah, it's gravel. 319 00:15:12,345 --> 00:15:14,214 Yeah, it's gravel! 320 00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:15,582 Hey, good news for you. 321 00:15:15,615 --> 00:15:18,085 I talked to a guy about that bathroom window. 322 00:15:18,118 --> 00:15:20,287 That's the least of my concerns right now! 323 00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:23,856 Oh, Really? Well, why don't we address your concerns? 324 00:15:23,890 --> 00:15:25,225 The doors! 325 00:15:25,258 --> 00:15:27,294 -I want my doors back! -Oh. 326 00:15:27,327 --> 00:15:29,762 Before it gets dark! My son is afraid of moths. 327 00:15:29,796 --> 00:15:31,064 Oh, hmm. 328 00:15:31,098 --> 00:15:32,599 Well, here's the thing about that, Johnny. 329 00:15:32,632 --> 00:15:34,901 You see, you did a bad thing. 330 00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:37,670 You disrespected me in front of your family! 331 00:15:37,704 --> 00:15:39,039 And now they think less of me. 332 00:15:39,072 --> 00:15:40,707 I doubt that's possible. 333 00:15:40,740 --> 00:15:41,808 And to be honest, 334 00:15:41,841 --> 00:15:43,443 you were kind of breathing down our necks 335 00:15:43,476 --> 00:15:45,045 a little bit back at the motel. 336 00:15:45,078 --> 00:15:48,748 Johnny, when I was a kid and I did a bad thing, 337 00:15:48,781 --> 00:15:51,018 my father took the doors off my room. 338 00:15:51,051 --> 00:15:54,887 And he said to me, "Roland, privacy is earned." 339 00:15:55,755 --> 00:15:58,091 I am having a tough time following that. 340 00:15:58,125 --> 00:16:00,327 What the hell does that have to do with privacy? 341 00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:03,663 Nothing. I just got mad and I took your doors. 342 00:16:03,696 --> 00:16:07,267 Look, if you took offense to anything I said back at the motel, 343 00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:10,037 just know it wasn't personal. 344 00:16:11,604 --> 00:16:14,474 All right. Apology accepted. 345 00:16:14,507 --> 00:16:17,077 Well, that was less of an apology and more of an explanation. 346 00:16:17,110 --> 00:16:18,645 Nevertheless, I accept your apology. 347 00:16:18,678 --> 00:16:20,013 Which it wasn't! 348 00:16:20,047 --> 00:16:21,814 So thank you again for that apology, which was very nice. 349 00:16:21,848 --> 00:16:23,850 Well, there was no apology, and I can't do this anymore! 350 00:16:23,883 --> 00:16:26,653 You said you're sorry in a very sweet and humble way, 351 00:16:26,686 --> 00:16:28,355 and that takes a big man to do that. 352 00:16:28,388 --> 00:16:31,691 And that's what Johnny Rose is! A big man! 353 00:16:36,429 --> 00:16:37,430 MOIRA: Oh! 354 00:16:38,865 --> 00:16:41,068 Hello! Hello! 355 00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:44,371 Hi, hello. Come here, please. 356 00:16:44,404 --> 00:16:49,476 I don't suppose you saw any hobos or crackheads 357 00:16:49,509 --> 00:16:51,244 loitering around the hotel today? 358 00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:53,913 No crackheads, no... 359 00:16:53,946 --> 00:16:57,484 While the rooms were exposed to the world like a Moroccan fair, 360 00:16:57,517 --> 00:17:00,253 someone got in here and stole my earrings. 361 00:17:00,287 --> 00:17:03,523 But it was just... But it was just you here today. 362 00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:07,160 -It was. -It was. 363 00:17:07,194 --> 00:17:10,763 I'm assuming you were the only one here on the premises today? 364 00:17:10,797 --> 00:17:13,166 I think I know where you're going with this. 365 00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:15,735 No, I'm simply confirming that 366 00:17:15,768 --> 00:17:19,772 you alone were here when the earrings were stolen. 367 00:17:19,806 --> 00:17:21,441 Are you asking me if I stole your earrings? 368 00:17:21,474 --> 00:17:23,943 No, I would never. Please! (NERVOUS CHUCKLE) 369 00:17:23,976 --> 00:17:27,114 But I also would certainly never press charges. 370 00:17:27,147 --> 00:17:30,417 If my earrings were suddenly to be returned, 371 00:17:30,450 --> 00:17:33,120 if they suddenly reappeared, 372 00:17:33,153 --> 00:17:35,455 if you gave them back, I would not press charges. 373 00:17:35,488 --> 00:17:37,290 I would look the other way. 374 00:17:37,324 --> 00:17:38,791 Okay, you know what? I gotta run. 375 00:17:38,825 --> 00:17:41,128 'Cause I wanna hit the pawn shop before it closes. 376 00:17:41,161 --> 00:17:43,396 I owe my crack dealer a ton of money, so... 377 00:17:43,430 --> 00:17:46,333 You seem like you have this under control, though. 378 00:17:46,366 --> 00:17:48,301 What just happened? 379 00:17:48,335 --> 00:17:52,004 David, I politely asked that concierge girl if she had stolen my earrings, 380 00:17:52,038 --> 00:17:55,575 and she turned ice cold, and now she's on her way to a pawn shop! 381 00:17:55,608 --> 00:17:57,577 What? I need a towel! 382 00:17:58,211 --> 00:18:00,513 Hello, hi, hi. 383 00:18:00,547 --> 00:18:02,915 I am sorry if my mom accused you of taking something. 384 00:18:02,949 --> 00:18:04,151 STEVIE: It's fine. 385 00:18:04,184 --> 00:18:05,985 Okay, but does this mean that when you're cleaning our rooms, 386 00:18:06,018 --> 00:18:07,587 you're gonna put weird stuff in our beds 387 00:18:07,620 --> 00:18:09,622 -out of spite or something? -I won't be cleaning your room. 388 00:18:09,656 --> 00:18:11,791 Okay, can I ask you a question? 389 00:18:12,259 --> 00:18:13,693 Shoot. 390 00:18:13,726 --> 00:18:16,163 -I think you're kind of rude! -Is that a question? 391 00:18:16,196 --> 00:18:19,999 I have asked you thrice now for a towel 392 00:18:20,032 --> 00:18:23,336 so that I may wash this town off my body. 393 00:18:23,370 --> 00:18:24,604 Do you think I wanna be here? 394 00:18:24,637 --> 00:18:26,306 Do you think I wanna be here? 395 00:18:26,339 --> 00:18:27,540 I don't know what you want. 396 00:18:27,574 --> 00:18:29,476 You've given me one-word answers since I got here! 397 00:18:29,509 --> 00:18:32,412 So if I get you a towel, you'll stop following me to my car? 398 00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:34,113 Yes! Yes! 399 00:18:35,515 --> 00:18:38,585 Fine, but I'm only doing this because you called me rude, 400 00:18:38,618 --> 00:18:40,853 and I take that as a compliment. 401 00:18:40,887 --> 00:18:42,855 The man is a lunatic! 402 00:18:42,889 --> 00:18:44,657 What the hell happened here? 403 00:18:44,691 --> 00:18:46,359 We've been robbed. 404 00:18:46,393 --> 00:18:49,796 Right now, some local is pawning my earrings for crank. 405 00:18:49,829 --> 00:18:52,031 -Your diamonds? -Yes, my diamonds, 406 00:18:52,064 --> 00:18:53,766 the one thing I could hide under my tongue. 407 00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:58,070 Moira, I took your earrings out of here 408 00:18:58,104 --> 00:19:00,072 and I put them in my shoe. 409 00:19:01,408 --> 00:19:04,211 -For safekeeping. -ALEXIS: No! No! 410 00:19:06,513 --> 00:19:08,748 Stavros just texted me. 411 00:19:08,781 --> 00:19:10,750 (SOBBING) And he ended it. He's not coming! 412 00:19:10,783 --> 00:19:12,919 He said that he doesn't have time to come and get me because 413 00:19:12,952 --> 00:19:16,723 he already RSVP'd to Diddy's white party, 414 00:19:16,756 --> 00:19:18,157 and he doesn't have time to do both! 415 00:19:18,191 --> 00:19:20,159 But I was supposed to be his date to the white party! 416 00:19:20,193 --> 00:19:24,531 Alexis, he was never my favorite Stavros. 417 00:19:24,564 --> 00:19:26,132 I've hated that guy ever since he asked me 418 00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:28,335 to do lines with him at my 60th. 419 00:19:28,368 --> 00:19:31,938 Just out of sheer curiosity, 420 00:19:31,971 --> 00:19:35,408 where do you stand now on whether or not you think this motel is cute? 421 00:19:35,442 --> 00:19:38,811 -Like, is it still cute, or is it... -You're a dick, David! 422 00:19:38,845 --> 00:19:39,879 Oh, I'm a dick? 423 00:19:39,912 --> 00:19:42,114 Okay, did I dump you for a party? 424 00:19:42,148 --> 00:19:43,683 David, help me with the doors. 425 00:19:43,716 --> 00:19:45,285 No, I can't. I just got out of the shower. 426 00:19:45,318 --> 00:19:46,586 I need help with the doors. 427 00:19:46,619 --> 00:19:48,455 -David, help him with the doors! -Oh, my God! 428 00:19:48,488 --> 00:19:50,690 -You help him with the doors! -No! 429 00:19:50,723 --> 00:19:52,859 -David, could you help me with the doors? -It's air-drying! 430 00:19:52,892 --> 00:19:56,796 Pick up a hammer and nail this coffin shut! 431 00:19:57,830 --> 00:20:00,233 ALEXIS: As if I didn't see this coming. 432 00:20:00,267 --> 00:20:03,703 He's broken up with me five times already. 433 00:20:03,736 --> 00:20:07,206 Like, there was that time that he never met me in Rio, 434 00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:11,311 and remember that time when he gave me his ex-wife's engagement ring? 435 00:20:12,178 --> 00:20:14,314 And then, last summer, 436 00:20:14,347 --> 00:20:16,649 that time that he left his molly in my glove compartment, 437 00:20:16,683 --> 00:20:20,186 -and then I got arrested? -Oh, my God! Can you do me a huge favor? 438 00:20:20,219 --> 00:20:23,155 And never repeat this to anyone that you respect, okay? 439 00:20:24,424 --> 00:20:26,393 -Okay? Okay. -Okay. 440 00:20:26,426 --> 00:20:28,495 Kids, we just came in to say good night 441 00:20:28,528 --> 00:20:32,499 and to remind you that we will get through this as a family. 442 00:20:32,532 --> 00:20:33,566 DAVID: Okay, good night! 443 00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:36,269 Warmest regards to you both. 444 00:20:36,303 --> 00:20:40,473 And that will end up on our feet in no time! 445 00:20:40,507 --> 00:20:44,176 Of course, by then our feet will be shoeless and filthy and mangled 446 00:20:44,210 --> 00:20:48,214 from walking on cigarette butts and broken beer bottles. 447 00:20:48,247 --> 00:20:51,984 So, seriously, Alexis, enough about Stavros! 448 00:20:52,018 --> 00:20:56,022 I'm sorry if I am going through something right now! 449 00:20:56,055 --> 00:20:58,625 You're going through something? 450 00:21:07,634 --> 00:21:10,069 -MOIRA: Good night, children. -JOHNNY: Good night! 451 00:21:10,102 --> 00:21:12,705 -DAVID: Good night. -ALEXIS: (TEARFULLY) Good night. 452 00:21:12,739 --> 00:21:15,708 MOIRA: Let's all pray we don't wake up.