1 00:00:01,003 --> 00:00:03,808 (MOIRA READING) 2 00:00:06,047 --> 00:00:07,483 (CAR ENGINE RUMBLES) 3 00:00:16,834 --> 00:00:19,640 Hi, Johnny. Can we come in for a moment? 4 00:00:20,409 --> 00:00:22,113 Yes. Yes. 5 00:00:24,049 --> 00:00:25,719 Thank you. 6 00:00:25,752 --> 00:00:28,023 -Hello. -Oh, hi. 7 00:00:28,057 --> 00:00:29,560 JOHNNY: Is everything okay? 8 00:00:29,593 --> 00:00:31,464 (VOICE BREAKING) We've got some sad news. 9 00:00:31,497 --> 00:00:34,737 Uh, someone very close has died. 10 00:00:36,207 --> 00:00:37,676 -Oh. -Sorry. 11 00:00:38,611 --> 00:00:40,215 You remember Bob? 12 00:00:41,184 --> 00:00:42,519 No. 13 00:00:43,321 --> 00:00:45,592 You broke into his cabin and had sex 14 00:00:45,625 --> 00:00:47,763 while he and his wife were in the next room. 15 00:00:47,796 --> 00:00:50,602 (GASPS SOFTLY) Oh, that's Bob. 16 00:00:50,635 --> 00:00:53,039 Yeah, Bob. He was on the town council. 17 00:00:53,074 --> 00:00:54,543 He's on the town council, yeah. 18 00:00:54,577 --> 00:00:57,115 -Oh, Bob died? -Tsk, tsk, tsk. 19 00:00:57,149 --> 00:01:01,724 No. No, not Bob. Bob's brother, Carl, died. 20 00:01:07,803 --> 00:01:08,838 I don't know Carl. 21 00:01:09,873 --> 00:01:11,977 We barely know Bob. 22 00:01:12,011 --> 00:01:14,883 Carl thought so highly of you, Johnny. 23 00:01:14,917 --> 00:01:16,221 Oh... 24 00:01:16,254 --> 00:01:18,124 Really? Well, that's nice. 25 00:01:18,157 --> 00:01:19,660 No, I honestly don't know the man. 26 00:01:19,693 --> 00:01:24,035 Well, understandably, Bob is, uh, pretty broken up by all of this, 27 00:01:24,068 --> 00:01:28,545 and he asked me to ask you if, uh, you'd be willing to, um, 28 00:01:28,578 --> 00:01:31,351 be a pallbearer at Carl's funeral. 29 00:01:32,386 --> 00:01:34,323 -A pallbearer? -Mmm-hmm. 30 00:01:34,790 --> 00:01:36,694 At Carl's funeral. 31 00:01:36,727 --> 00:01:38,565 (CHUCKLES) Well, I don't... 32 00:01:38,598 --> 00:01:39,800 Um... 33 00:01:39,833 --> 00:01:42,673 I, you know, I'm flattered. That's... 34 00:01:42,706 --> 00:01:44,041 It's quite an honor to be... 35 00:01:44,075 --> 00:01:45,412 I knew he would say yes. 36 00:01:45,445 --> 00:01:48,551 (STUTTERS) And normally I would, I would. 37 00:01:48,585 --> 00:01:50,889 I... You know, but my back. I have, uh... 38 00:01:51,791 --> 00:01:53,495 I... I have back issues. 39 00:01:53,528 --> 00:01:54,930 -Honey? You know, my back. -What? 40 00:01:54,963 --> 00:01:56,634 -The thing with my back. -Your back! 41 00:01:56,667 --> 00:01:58,738 Oh, it's... It's terrible. 42 00:01:58,771 --> 00:02:02,746 And his arms are so weak. Little muscles like Corn Nuts. 43 00:02:02,779 --> 00:02:05,452 Yeah, we're just talking about my back, sweetheart. 44 00:02:05,485 --> 00:02:06,821 It's awful. 45 00:02:06,854 --> 00:02:09,327 -I don't know what we're gonna tell Bob. -(ROLAND SIGHS) 46 00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:11,364 He's gonna be so disappointed. 47 00:02:11,397 --> 00:02:15,405 Yeah. Yeah. Well, life can kick you in the teeth sometimes. 48 00:02:15,439 --> 00:02:18,711 Well, that's not gonna help Bob out too much there, Johnny. 49 00:02:18,745 --> 00:02:21,617 Mmm, no. Shouldn't bother Carl. 50 00:02:28,129 --> 00:02:29,500 (BABY WAILING) 51 00:02:41,724 --> 00:02:42,759 (WOMAN SCREAMING) 52 00:02:42,793 --> 00:02:43,961 (WOMAN SCOFFS) 53 00:02:43,995 --> 00:02:45,765 I said bring the goddamn diaper bag! 54 00:02:45,799 --> 00:02:46,834 (BABY CRYING) 55 00:02:46,867 --> 00:02:49,807 Babe, I'm getting the cooler right now, 56 00:02:49,840 --> 00:02:51,009 in case you didn't notice. 57 00:02:51,042 --> 00:02:52,579 Well, Denim has needed a diaper change 58 00:02:52,613 --> 00:02:54,182 since before we left the house! 59 00:02:54,783 --> 00:02:56,320 Oh, my God. 60 00:02:56,353 --> 00:02:57,389 What? 61 00:02:57,423 --> 00:03:00,862 Some townie douchebag is moving in next door. 62 00:03:00,895 --> 00:03:02,097 They've got a baby. 63 00:03:02,131 --> 00:03:03,334 (ALEXIS SIGHS) 64 00:03:04,168 --> 00:03:05,204 -(LOUD THUD) -(GASPS) 65 00:03:05,238 --> 00:03:06,574 (BOTH GASPING) 66 00:03:06,607 --> 00:03:09,379 -DAVID: Is there a gun? -(DENIM WAILING) 67 00:03:09,413 --> 00:03:10,549 (WOMAN SCREAMING) 68 00:03:10,582 --> 00:03:11,984 -(BOTTLE SHATTERING) -(DENIM CRYING) 69 00:03:12,017 --> 00:03:13,888 -Oh, no. -MAN: Jesus! What the hell did you do that for? 70 00:03:13,921 --> 00:03:15,358 It's still too hot. 71 00:03:15,391 --> 00:03:16,727 It's 20 seconds in the microwave, 72 00:03:16,761 --> 00:03:18,831 -not 20 minutes, you tool. -Oh, you've lost it. 73 00:03:18,865 --> 00:03:19,900 -Oh... -You've lost it. 74 00:03:19,933 --> 00:03:21,035 What the hell are you so rattled about? 75 00:03:21,069 --> 00:03:22,104 Oh! 76 00:03:25,712 --> 00:03:27,248 -What are you doing? -Um, I'm gonna go 77 00:03:27,282 --> 00:03:28,417 stay at Ted's, 78 00:03:28,451 --> 00:03:30,221 because I've been to enough spring breaks 79 00:03:30,254 --> 00:03:31,457 to know how this is gonna end, 80 00:03:31,491 --> 00:03:34,095 and it's not...not good. 81 00:03:34,128 --> 00:03:36,433 You're just gonna leave me here with these people? 82 00:03:36,467 --> 00:03:39,105 Yeah. Like, I don't feel good about it. 83 00:03:39,138 --> 00:03:40,875 Hello! Hello! 84 00:03:40,909 --> 00:03:43,380 Is anybody in that hollow chest? 85 00:03:48,257 --> 00:03:49,259 (DOOR OPENS) 86 00:03:53,166 --> 00:03:54,670 Hey, Bob. 87 00:03:55,905 --> 00:03:57,242 How are you holding up? 88 00:03:57,275 --> 00:03:59,613 Oh, you know. Not bad. 89 00:04:01,416 --> 00:04:03,354 You know, they say death is just life 90 00:04:03,387 --> 00:04:05,123 except you're not here. 91 00:04:05,157 --> 00:04:07,729 You're somewhere else, you know? 92 00:04:07,763 --> 00:04:09,098 But that's okay because 93 00:04:09,131 --> 00:04:11,002 at least you're somewhere, you know? 94 00:04:11,035 --> 00:04:14,041 But when does somewhere become there? 95 00:04:14,075 --> 00:04:15,979 And when does there become here? 96 00:04:16,012 --> 00:04:17,649 -And I... It just... -Just a coffee, please. 97 00:04:17,683 --> 00:04:19,319 -For here? Okay. -Yeah. 98 00:04:27,803 --> 00:04:29,940 -Bob. -Hi, Johnny. 99 00:04:29,973 --> 00:04:31,911 Oh, hi. Hi. 100 00:04:31,944 --> 00:04:34,015 You mind if I join you? 101 00:04:34,048 --> 00:04:35,551 I could use a little company today. 102 00:04:35,585 --> 00:04:36,687 Oh, no, no. 103 00:04:36,721 --> 00:04:39,158 You... You stay where you are, and I'll... 104 00:04:39,191 --> 00:04:40,995 I'll come over there. 105 00:04:41,496 --> 00:04:42,599 Oh! 106 00:04:42,633 --> 00:04:44,068 Baby. Ooh! 107 00:04:44,101 --> 00:04:45,371 Wow! 108 00:04:45,404 --> 00:04:47,241 (GROANS) 109 00:04:47,274 --> 00:04:51,550 Yikes! That's... That hurts today. 110 00:04:51,583 --> 00:04:55,023 Yeah, Roland, he told me about your back and I, uh... 111 00:04:55,591 --> 00:04:56,994 I am so sorry. 112 00:04:57,027 --> 00:04:59,332 Well, I'm the one who's sorry, Bob. 113 00:04:59,366 --> 00:05:03,307 You know, hearing about your, uh, brother. (STUTTERS) Chris... 114 00:05:03,340 --> 00:05:05,712 -Carl. -Carl. Yeah, he was a good man. 115 00:05:05,745 --> 00:05:07,582 -Good man. -He admired you, Johnny. 116 00:05:07,615 --> 00:05:08,951 -And I him. -Yeah. 117 00:05:08,985 --> 00:05:10,354 And I him. 118 00:05:10,388 --> 00:05:12,926 Listen, uh, I understand about your back... 119 00:05:12,959 --> 00:05:14,095 Yeah. 120 00:05:14,797 --> 00:05:17,736 And I was just, uh, wondering 121 00:05:17,769 --> 00:05:21,643 if maybe you could say a few words at the funeral? 122 00:05:21,677 --> 00:05:22,679 (COUGHS) 123 00:05:23,681 --> 00:05:26,019 Well, the thing is, uh, Bob, 124 00:05:26,052 --> 00:05:29,526 (STUTTERING) I don't feel I deserve that honor. Uh... 125 00:05:29,559 --> 00:05:32,833 Oh, see, I'm no good at these things. 126 00:05:32,866 --> 00:05:36,172 You know, uh, you, you're polished. 127 00:05:36,205 --> 00:05:37,809 You know, you're well-spoken. 128 00:05:37,843 --> 00:05:40,213 Oh, no. No, no. Not really. Not really. 129 00:05:40,247 --> 00:05:44,757 I mean, I'm good one-on-one, but not good in a public situation. 130 00:05:44,790 --> 00:05:46,192 I clam up pretty good. 131 00:05:46,225 --> 00:05:47,896 As a favor, Johnny. 132 00:05:47,929 --> 00:05:50,100 He must have had a few close friends, 133 00:05:50,133 --> 00:05:51,503 -somebody that... -No one. 134 00:05:53,306 --> 00:05:56,713 Well, sure. Sure. I can say a few words, Bob. 135 00:05:56,747 --> 00:05:58,417 I'll say a few words. 136 00:06:02,692 --> 00:06:05,063 Have you seen the couple that checked in? 137 00:06:05,097 --> 00:06:09,506 They're like really scummy. Like, very skaggy people 138 00:06:09,539 --> 00:06:14,181 who happened to produce a child that hasn't been taken away from them yet. 139 00:06:14,215 --> 00:06:15,919 Imagine being related to them. 140 00:06:15,952 --> 00:06:17,254 No, I can't. It's too early. 141 00:06:17,287 --> 00:06:18,390 They're my cousins. 142 00:06:18,424 --> 00:06:19,426 Oh. 143 00:06:20,127 --> 00:06:22,131 Well, um, 144 00:06:22,164 --> 00:06:24,469 the baby's relatively normal-looking. 145 00:06:24,502 --> 00:06:26,205 No, they're definitely skaggy. 146 00:06:26,239 --> 00:06:27,843 My God, they're so skaggy. 147 00:06:29,813 --> 00:06:31,516 Hmm. Wait, so you're related to Carl? 148 00:06:31,550 --> 00:06:33,219 Not genetically. 149 00:06:33,253 --> 00:06:36,726 My mom's sister was married to Carl. Carl is Sean's stepdad. 150 00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:38,730 And was that a factor in the cause of death? 151 00:06:38,764 --> 00:06:40,801 I wouldn't be surprised. 152 00:06:40,835 --> 00:06:43,640 They broke up right before Sean got Bree pregnant. 153 00:06:43,674 --> 00:06:45,879 Or someone got Bree pregnant. 154 00:06:45,912 --> 00:06:47,916 I mean, Bree's not exactly fussy 155 00:06:47,949 --> 00:06:50,922 when it comes to introducing men to her vagina. 156 00:06:51,556 --> 00:06:52,893 Mmm, charming. 157 00:06:57,468 --> 00:07:00,808 Tell me it's not always this clean in here. 158 00:07:00,841 --> 00:07:02,177 No, it's always this clean. 159 00:07:02,211 --> 00:07:04,950 Oh, it smells so fresh. 160 00:07:04,983 --> 00:07:06,352 Uh, that's the Febreze. 161 00:07:06,385 --> 00:07:08,790 I was... I was eating Indian last night, so... 162 00:07:08,824 --> 00:07:11,229 So much better than the motel. 163 00:07:11,262 --> 00:07:13,800 At least you know what the smell is. 164 00:07:15,571 --> 00:07:16,573 (GIGGLING) 165 00:07:21,182 --> 00:07:22,818 TED: Oh! (LAUGHS) 166 00:07:22,852 --> 00:07:25,023 -Hey, come on now, you two. -Oh, hey! 167 00:07:25,057 --> 00:07:27,194 -Come on. -Hi there. Ooh! 168 00:07:27,227 --> 00:07:28,464 Oh... 169 00:07:28,497 --> 00:07:30,801 There's a good girl. There's a good girl! 170 00:07:30,834 --> 00:07:33,640 -They're so... -Oh! Well, Macy and Fifer 171 00:07:33,674 --> 00:07:36,613 are just staying with me for a couple of weeks until they get back on their feet. 172 00:07:36,646 --> 00:07:38,149 Isn't that right, Fifey? 173 00:07:38,183 --> 00:07:41,189 Yeah, your worms are almost all gone, aren't they? 174 00:07:41,222 --> 00:07:42,291 Yeah. 175 00:07:42,324 --> 00:07:44,228 Is that a diaper on that little cutie? 176 00:07:44,261 --> 00:07:45,931 Yup. Oh. You know what, though? 177 00:07:45,965 --> 00:07:50,240 Okay. This is just because she's scared right now. 178 00:07:50,273 --> 00:07:53,547 But, uh, don't worry. I can tell that you are gonna win them over. 179 00:07:53,580 --> 00:07:55,317 -Yeah? -Yeah. 180 00:07:55,350 --> 00:07:58,690 I just... I haven't, um, been... I haven't... I don't... 181 00:07:58,724 --> 00:08:00,561 -I'm not around dogs a lot, so... -(PANTING) 182 00:08:00,594 --> 00:08:02,532 No, you know what? Don't even worry about it. 183 00:08:02,565 --> 00:08:05,704 Just for tonight, think of them as our kids. 184 00:08:06,673 --> 00:08:09,145 Right? Oh, yeah. 185 00:08:09,178 --> 00:08:11,382 John, you're speaking at the funeral? 186 00:08:11,415 --> 00:08:14,355 The man was weeping. What was I supposed to do? 187 00:08:14,388 --> 00:08:18,697 You take his hands in yours, you look him in the eye, and you say, "No." 188 00:08:18,730 --> 00:08:21,369 What do you say about a guy you couldn't care less about? 189 00:08:21,402 --> 00:08:24,341 Oh, it's Gord what's-his-name's funeral all over again. 190 00:08:24,375 --> 00:08:25,878 -Who's Gord what's-his-name? -Exactly. 191 00:08:25,911 --> 00:08:28,416 He was some kind of crewperson on Sunrise Bay. 192 00:08:28,449 --> 00:08:31,355 I made an obligatory appearance at the service, 193 00:08:31,389 --> 00:08:34,662 and his hysterical girlfriend cornered me into saying a few words. 194 00:08:34,696 --> 00:08:37,802 I didn't have a thought in my head, so I just stood up and sang Danny Boy. 195 00:08:37,835 --> 00:08:39,606 -Not a dry eye in the house. -Huh? 196 00:08:42,912 --> 00:08:44,949 God, I love this bed. 197 00:08:47,588 --> 00:08:49,325 I'm so glad you're not my brother. 198 00:08:49,358 --> 00:08:52,297 Yeah, yeah, I'm pretty glad about that, too. 199 00:08:52,331 --> 00:08:55,804 But let me assure you, tonight it is just you and me. 200 00:09:04,656 --> 00:09:05,958 (DOG PANTING) 201 00:09:09,699 --> 00:09:12,838 Hey, the little guy is looking at us. 202 00:09:12,872 --> 00:09:16,345 Oh. Yeah, dogs sometimes do that. 203 00:09:16,379 --> 00:09:17,381 Okay. 204 00:09:23,559 --> 00:09:24,662 Um... 205 00:09:24,696 --> 00:09:28,336 Maybe we could invite it to go? Go away. 206 00:09:28,369 --> 00:09:31,242 Oh, she's fine. She's fine. She's fine. 207 00:09:34,682 --> 00:09:37,855 Oh, now you want in on the action too, huh? 208 00:09:37,888 --> 00:09:42,832 -Okay, the big one is sniffing the diaper. -(SNIFFING) 209 00:09:42,865 --> 00:09:44,802 -Does that mean it's full? What is... -Okay. 210 00:09:44,836 --> 00:09:47,942 Okay, you guys, just give us a little bit of time here, 211 00:09:47,975 --> 00:09:50,681 and then you can come sleep with us, okay? Okay? 212 00:09:51,716 --> 00:09:53,419 Okay, where were we? 213 00:09:53,453 --> 00:09:54,455 (CHUCKLES ANIMATEDLY) 214 00:09:55,390 --> 00:09:56,559 (DOG SNARLING) 215 00:09:57,995 --> 00:09:58,997 (BARKING) 216 00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:02,905 (MOUTHING) Out. Get out. 217 00:10:02,938 --> 00:10:04,174 (BARKING CONTINUES) 218 00:10:05,277 --> 00:10:06,646 (LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) 219 00:10:09,150 --> 00:10:10,353 MAN: Pass the chips! 220 00:10:13,526 --> 00:10:15,096 Hello. Excuse me. 221 00:10:15,664 --> 00:10:16,900 Excuse me! 222 00:10:16,933 --> 00:10:18,202 -Hey! -Excuse me! 223 00:10:18,235 --> 00:10:21,141 -Hey! Go. -Excuse me, hi. 224 00:10:21,174 --> 00:10:23,847 Oh, buttons, I don't think you're invited to this one, huh? 225 00:10:23,880 --> 00:10:25,350 -I don't wanna be invited to this one. -(LAUGHING) 226 00:10:25,383 --> 00:10:27,755 Hey, look who it is. It's your dad. He's here to take you home! 227 00:10:27,788 --> 00:10:29,692 -Yeah, yeah. -Remember that? 228 00:10:29,726 --> 00:10:31,963 -Yeah! -You remember that one? 229 00:10:31,996 --> 00:10:32,998 -(LAUGHING) -No. 230 00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:36,572 I'm just pumpin' your tires, bud! 231 00:10:36,605 --> 00:10:40,513 Look, what you gotta understand is that my ex-stepdad just died, 232 00:10:40,547 --> 00:10:42,952 so we're here celebrating his life, okay? 233 00:10:42,985 --> 00:10:45,758 Okay, you all seem very devastated by this. 234 00:10:45,791 --> 00:10:47,394 I need you to turn... 235 00:10:47,427 --> 00:10:50,467 -I need you to turn the music down, okay? -Mmm-hmm. 236 00:10:50,500 --> 00:10:52,003 Because I'm trying to get 237 00:10:52,036 --> 00:10:54,742 at least a couple hours' sleep tonight. 238 00:10:54,776 --> 00:10:57,915 Well, you know who's sleeping forever, bud? 239 00:10:57,948 --> 00:10:59,786 -Your ex-stepdad, yeah. -My ex-stepdad, yeah. 240 00:10:59,819 --> 00:11:01,956 -Yup, yeah. -Damn, that's sad. 241 00:11:01,990 --> 00:11:04,528 -Are we out of mix? -Okay, thank you. If you could just turn it... 242 00:11:04,561 --> 00:11:05,931 -Thank you. -(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING) 243 00:11:08,536 --> 00:11:09,538 Oh, my God. 244 00:11:10,540 --> 00:11:11,976 Don't. 245 00:11:12,010 --> 00:11:13,112 Oh, my... 246 00:11:16,118 --> 00:11:19,558 I am so sorry. They got me... 247 00:11:19,591 --> 00:11:21,462 -(WHISPERING) They got me wasted. -Mmm. 248 00:11:21,495 --> 00:11:24,635 I hate them, okay? I hate them so much. 249 00:11:24,668 --> 00:11:28,342 You smell very flammable right now. 250 00:11:28,375 --> 00:11:30,146 Yes, I'm sure. 251 00:11:30,179 --> 00:11:34,054 I'm gonna need you to get them to turn it down, okay? 252 00:11:34,856 --> 00:11:36,124 -Yes. -Yeah. 253 00:11:37,126 --> 00:11:38,764 (LAUGHING) 254 00:11:38,797 --> 00:11:42,070 -BREE: Hi, Denim. Hi, sweetie pie. -(DENIM WAILING) 255 00:11:42,103 --> 00:11:44,374 STEVIE: David, I'm so sorry. 256 00:11:45,711 --> 00:11:47,246 (CHURCH ORGAN PLAYS) 257 00:11:54,896 --> 00:11:56,231 -Johnny. -Hello, Bob. 258 00:11:56,264 --> 00:11:58,970 Moira, so good of you to come. 259 00:11:59,004 --> 00:12:01,475 -John said we had no choice. -Oh. 260 00:12:01,509 --> 00:12:03,345 Listen, we have some good seats down front. 261 00:12:03,378 --> 00:12:05,349 Oh, that's very nice. 262 00:12:06,619 --> 00:12:10,861 Boy, what a beautiful day for a funeral. 263 00:12:17,674 --> 00:12:19,010 (JOHNNY CLEARS THROAT) 264 00:12:20,513 --> 00:12:24,387 Bob, in case I wanna mention this in my remarks, 265 00:12:24,420 --> 00:12:26,224 how did Carl go? 266 00:12:26,258 --> 00:12:29,464 Well, it was a bit of a freak accident, really. 267 00:12:29,497 --> 00:12:33,874 Apparently, he was trying to unhook his belt from the ceiling fan. 268 00:12:33,907 --> 00:12:36,980 Apparently, it got knotted around his neck. 269 00:12:37,013 --> 00:12:38,448 What? 270 00:12:38,482 --> 00:12:41,454 Yeah, you know, you'd think the whole thing would've come down, you know. 271 00:12:41,488 --> 00:12:47,233 Try keeping a fan and a body spinning up there for two days. 272 00:12:47,266 --> 00:12:50,774 But, uh, Carl found the studs on that one. 273 00:12:50,808 --> 00:12:52,845 -Oh. -(CHUCKLES) Yeah. 274 00:12:52,878 --> 00:12:53,947 That's craftsmanship. 275 00:12:53,980 --> 00:12:54,982 Oh, yeah. 276 00:12:55,884 --> 00:12:58,355 But that was Carl. 277 00:13:06,304 --> 00:13:08,910 DAVID: Do you even know what that stain is or... 278 00:13:08,944 --> 00:13:12,183 Uh, I'm worried if I did, I wouldn't clean it up. 279 00:13:14,788 --> 00:13:16,524 Why are you cleaning it up? 280 00:13:16,558 --> 00:13:20,700 Sadly, um, I threw most of the broken glass you see here. 281 00:13:21,702 --> 00:13:23,238 You were a bit of a mess last night. 282 00:13:24,274 --> 00:13:25,509 They told you? 283 00:13:25,542 --> 00:13:28,548 Oh, no, no. We had a full-blown conversation. 284 00:13:28,582 --> 00:13:31,454 You were barely clinging to consciousness. 285 00:13:31,722 --> 00:13:32,724 Oh. 286 00:13:33,358 --> 00:13:35,496 Sorry. 287 00:13:35,529 --> 00:13:37,500 Did I try and make out with you? 288 00:13:37,533 --> 00:13:38,703 Mmm-mmm. 289 00:13:38,736 --> 00:13:40,272 Good. 290 00:13:40,306 --> 00:13:42,677 But now I'm worried I made out with someone else. 291 00:13:42,711 --> 00:13:44,815 Uh, it's kind of my go-to when I'm a little boozy. 292 00:13:44,849 --> 00:13:46,051 DAVID: Mmm. 293 00:13:46,084 --> 00:13:49,424 Mine's shame eating, so yours sounds more fun. 294 00:13:49,457 --> 00:13:50,459 (SNICKERS) 295 00:13:51,094 --> 00:13:52,263 (GASPING) 296 00:13:52,898 --> 00:13:53,900 Um... 297 00:13:55,169 --> 00:13:56,671 Is this your thong or... 298 00:13:56,705 --> 00:13:59,745 Yeah, no. Bree's a real classy girl. 299 00:14:01,048 --> 00:14:03,252 Uh, his was wrapped around the remote. 300 00:14:03,285 --> 00:14:05,456 Don't worry, I threw out the remote. 301 00:14:05,489 --> 00:14:06,491 Hmm. 302 00:14:08,395 --> 00:14:10,199 Well, it looks like they have a side hustle. 303 00:14:10,232 --> 00:14:13,572 I'm pretty sure she strips. Why? 304 00:14:13,605 --> 00:14:15,709 Oh, no, this is just a lot of, um... 305 00:14:15,743 --> 00:14:18,884 -Yes, it is. -Marijuana. (SNIFFING) 306 00:14:18,917 --> 00:14:21,688 And if you're offering, my answer is yes. 307 00:14:27,834 --> 00:14:29,805 Thank you for that, Shannon. 308 00:14:29,838 --> 00:14:33,612 Nothing says we'll miss you like an excerpt from Breaking Dawn, 309 00:14:33,645 --> 00:14:37,586 one of Carl's favorites of the Twilight movies. 310 00:14:37,620 --> 00:14:40,059 Now, to say a few words, 311 00:14:40,092 --> 00:14:44,467 I'd like to bring up a close friend and one of Carl's personal heroes, 312 00:14:45,702 --> 00:14:47,173 -Johnny Rose. -(SCATTERED APPLAUSE) 313 00:14:47,206 --> 00:14:48,208 (DENIM CRYING) 314 00:14:51,916 --> 00:14:52,918 (WOMAN COUGHING) 315 00:14:55,890 --> 00:14:58,095 Thank you, Minister. 316 00:14:59,999 --> 00:15:01,468 Carl. 317 00:15:01,501 --> 00:15:02,972 (SIGHS) 318 00:15:03,005 --> 00:15:05,609 What to say about Carl? 319 00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:08,815 Once so full of life, 320 00:15:09,919 --> 00:15:11,654 and now 321 00:15:11,688 --> 00:15:14,594 lying very, very close to me. 322 00:15:15,829 --> 00:15:19,637 What a terrible thing death is. 323 00:15:20,139 --> 00:15:22,576 And yet, for Carl, 324 00:15:22,610 --> 00:15:25,482 pretty much an all-consuming thing at this point. 325 00:15:25,516 --> 00:15:26,684 (DENIM CONTINUES CRYING) 326 00:15:26,718 --> 00:15:29,657 He was a... He was a man who loved 327 00:15:31,094 --> 00:15:33,232 a good sweater, I'm told. 328 00:15:34,367 --> 00:15:37,673 And he loved the feel of a big tool in his hand. 329 00:15:37,706 --> 00:15:39,577 Am I right, Bob? 330 00:15:40,379 --> 00:15:42,016 And I wonder, 331 00:15:42,050 --> 00:15:46,058 when Carl was spinning around on that ceiling fan 332 00:15:46,091 --> 00:15:48,728 that he was so very proud of, 333 00:15:48,762 --> 00:15:51,468 was he ever thinking of this town, 334 00:15:52,370 --> 00:15:55,176 where he was born, where he lived, 335 00:15:55,209 --> 00:15:56,744 and where he died? 336 00:15:58,382 --> 00:16:01,288 Where he died. 337 00:16:01,321 --> 00:16:04,360 (STUTTERING) But I'm not up here today 338 00:16:04,394 --> 00:16:08,402 to speak about dying in Schitt's Creek. 339 00:16:08,435 --> 00:16:09,537 (CELL PHONE RINGING) 340 00:16:09,570 --> 00:16:11,874 -I'm here. I'm... -(DENIM CRYING) 341 00:16:13,078 --> 00:16:15,882 -BREE: Where the hell are you, Sean? -I'm... 342 00:16:15,916 --> 00:16:17,286 At a bar? 343 00:16:17,320 --> 00:16:19,890 If anyone should be in a bar right now, it's me. 344 00:16:19,924 --> 00:16:22,896 -(DENIM CONTINUES CRYING) -Fuck, Sean! (SIGHS) 345 00:16:22,930 --> 00:16:23,965 Excuse me. 346 00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:25,402 (DENIM CRYING LOUDLY) 347 00:16:26,904 --> 00:16:30,712 Well, I am here to talk about dying in Schitt's Creek. 348 00:16:30,746 --> 00:16:34,420 I'm here to talk about the misery of our lives here, 349 00:16:34,454 --> 00:16:37,093 and how we might never escape this place, 350 00:16:37,126 --> 00:16:40,632 and how we do not want to end up in a coffin, like Carl, 351 00:16:40,666 --> 00:16:43,905 here in this godforsaken... 352 00:16:43,938 --> 00:16:47,646 # Oh, Danny boy 353 00:16:49,250 --> 00:16:55,796 # The pipes, the pipes are calling 354 00:16:58,768 --> 00:16:59,837 (ALL SINGING) 355 00:16:59,870 --> 00:17:02,943 -# From glen to glen 356 00:17:02,976 --> 00:17:07,420 # And down the mountain side 357 00:17:08,555 --> 00:17:10,692 # But God... 358 00:17:14,100 --> 00:17:16,838 So, I'm sorry 359 00:17:16,871 --> 00:17:20,812 if earlier I wasn't sensitive to your animal issues. 360 00:17:20,846 --> 00:17:22,716 And if it's any consolation, 361 00:17:22,750 --> 00:17:24,887 the dogs told me to tell you that they're super embarrassed 362 00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:26,191 about their behavior, too. 363 00:17:27,826 --> 00:17:31,368 Well, I am dating a vet. I should've known that 364 00:17:31,401 --> 00:17:33,938 there'd be slutty little animals running around. 365 00:17:33,972 --> 00:17:37,646 -And I only take in the slutty ones, so... -(LAUGHS) 366 00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:42,423 I just, I didn't know what to do because I love the dogs so much, but, 367 00:17:42,456 --> 00:17:44,960 you know, I also really love 368 00:17:46,498 --> 00:17:50,306 the way that our relationship is going right now, so much. 369 00:17:51,341 --> 00:17:52,743 Such a sweet face. 370 00:17:52,776 --> 00:17:53,845 (BOTH CHUCKLE) 371 00:17:53,878 --> 00:17:56,818 So, to get you more comfortable around animals... 372 00:17:56,851 --> 00:17:58,588 Not a puppy, Ted! I... 373 00:17:58,622 --> 00:18:00,626 No, that would be cruel to the puppy. 374 00:18:00,659 --> 00:18:03,164 No, I got you this. 375 00:18:04,900 --> 00:18:06,838 (READING) 376 00:18:11,214 --> 00:18:12,916 It's a very specific book. 377 00:18:12,950 --> 00:18:15,622 You might wanna check out page 37. 378 00:18:18,828 --> 00:18:20,030 (WHISPERING) Is it a credit card? 379 00:18:20,999 --> 00:18:23,738 No. It's a room key. 380 00:18:23,772 --> 00:18:28,248 To the premium king suite at the Holiday Inn Express in Elmdale, 381 00:18:28,282 --> 00:18:31,388 and they have a very strict "no pets allowed" policy. 382 00:18:31,421 --> 00:18:35,596 Well, it just so happens that I have packed my overnight bag. 383 00:18:36,029 --> 00:18:37,098 Hmm. 384 00:18:37,132 --> 00:18:38,302 Come here. 385 00:18:41,039 --> 00:18:42,676 -Thank you. -No, thank you. 386 00:18:42,710 --> 00:18:44,280 -No. Thank you. -Thank you. 387 00:18:44,314 --> 00:18:46,217 -Thank you. Thank you. -Thank you. 388 00:18:50,090 --> 00:18:51,928 You know where I got my hat, brah? 389 00:18:51,961 --> 00:18:53,565 Where? 390 00:18:53,598 --> 00:18:55,436 Assholes R Us. 391 00:18:55,469 --> 00:18:56,871 (BOTH LAUGHING) 392 00:19:02,783 --> 00:19:04,854 -(DISTANT THUMPING) -Oh! 393 00:19:04,887 --> 00:19:06,391 -Ow! -(DISTANT ARGUING) 394 00:19:06,424 --> 00:19:07,960 Oh, my God. 395 00:19:07,993 --> 00:19:09,964 Oh, my God! We need to go. 396 00:19:09,997 --> 00:19:12,503 We need to go. We need to go. 397 00:19:13,938 --> 00:19:16,411 STEVIE: I don't see it. I don't see it. 398 00:19:16,444 --> 00:19:18,013 -Let me see it. -(SHUSHING) 399 00:19:23,023 --> 00:19:24,092 (DENIM WAILING) 400 00:19:24,460 --> 00:19:25,496 The fuck? 401 00:19:25,529 --> 00:19:27,533 -Who trashed our room? -(SHUSHING) 402 00:19:27,566 --> 00:19:29,837 -(DENIM CRYING) -BREE: You did, Sean! 403 00:19:29,870 --> 00:19:31,941 SEAN: Where's my backwards hat? 404 00:19:31,974 --> 00:19:34,078 (WHISPERING) My hat. I'm wearing it. 405 00:19:34,112 --> 00:19:35,616 I'm wearing it. 406 00:19:35,649 --> 00:19:37,185 (BOTH CHUCKLING SOFTLY) 407 00:19:52,081 --> 00:19:53,818 (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) 408 00:19:59,564 --> 00:20:03,271 So I'm thinking to myself, "Oh, God, what if I die here?" 409 00:20:03,304 --> 00:20:06,644 Mmm. That was not lost on anyone. 410 00:20:06,678 --> 00:20:10,552 Uh, let's pilfer a few sandwiches and make a gracious French exit. 411 00:20:10,586 --> 00:20:11,888 Good idea. 412 00:20:15,295 --> 00:20:18,502 Moira! Your Danny Boy. 413 00:20:19,035 --> 00:20:20,271 What a voice. 414 00:20:20,305 --> 00:20:21,808 -Oh, thank you. -ROLAND: Yeah. 415 00:20:21,841 --> 00:20:24,647 I'd really like you to sing at my cousin's funeral. 416 00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:28,622 She's not dead, but she's been coughing a lot lately. 417 00:20:28,655 --> 00:20:31,427 Moira, before they close the coffin, 418 00:20:31,460 --> 00:20:34,132 one more chorus for Carl? 419 00:20:34,165 --> 00:20:35,268 Please? 420 00:20:36,237 --> 00:20:37,405 (CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY) 421 00:20:37,439 --> 00:20:38,642 (LAUGHTER) 422 00:20:40,746 --> 00:20:42,048 Take your time, honey. 423 00:20:42,081 --> 00:20:43,251 (MOIRA CLEARS THROAT) 424 00:20:46,591 --> 00:20:47,926 (VOCALIZING) 425 00:20:57,880 --> 00:21:00,084 # Danny 426 00:21:07,031 --> 00:21:08,835 # Boy 427 00:21:11,540 --> 00:21:15,080 # The pipes, the pipes are 428 00:21:17,151 --> 00:21:19,857 # Calling