(Birds chirp)
Alexis: Okay, so I'm thinking like,
season five Carrie Bradshaw,
like, super professional and polished,
but also like, chill and flirty
in an impossibly expensive sort of way.
- You do know that this is your first day
at Elmdale College, and not Vogue, right?
- Hush David,
because Jocelyn said that only her top students go to Elmdale.
- Okay, I think that says more about Jocelyn as a teacher
than it does her students.
- Kids, it's garbage day.
- Oh good, ours is full.
- Okay, I've told you both a thousand times,
tie up the bags and leave them outside your door!
- Okay, but I like, just put something in it
that made it full, though.
- Yeah, and you're already wearing your little gloves, though.
Okay, do me a favour, David, and don't mention this to dad,
'cause I haven't chosen my courses yet,
and if he finds out he's just gonna like, buzz around
until I ask him his opinion.
And no offence to him, but I don't want it.
- This is the same college where Malala gave
that devastating commencement speech, right?
- I don't know, David, maybe he did.
Anyway, I have a lot of big changes
happening in my life right now,
so I'd appreciate it if you were a little bit more onside.
- Okay.
(Door opens and shuts)
- Where'd Alexis go? - She went for a run,
apparently there are some really big changes
happening in her life right now.
- Yeah, I should say so.
- Why are you waving a thermometer in my face?
- It's a pregnancy test. - Ewww! What?!
♪♪♪
- Well, it's a smiley face,
so I'm assuming it's a positive result.
- Well, that's presumptuous.
- Are we a 100% sure it's hers?
- Well, this test is a 100% sure it's someone's!
- Oh, are you serious? I was ready to stop after one!
- Come to think of it,
she has been very up and down lately,
but I've been just chalking that up to the fact
that her personal life is like a steaming pile of--
- Someone needs to talk to her! - Well, don't look at me,
I'm pretty sure she already knows it's a mistake!
- No, I'll talk to her.
Yes, I'll tell her she has no right to lay
this financial and psychological burden on us!
- Well, maybe I'll talk to her...
- Now she has to move into one of those homes
for unwed mothers! - Oh my God, imagine?
- Moira, that's not gonna happen.
- Oh, I'm sure there are plenty of them
on this side of the tracks.
Let the nuns take care of the little stranger!
- What Alexis needs now is to feel supported by her family!
- Hah! - Okay.
Um, I'm just gonna say it, I am not in a place right now
to be emotionally available to a baby.
- You know I'm a little disappointed in you, David,
you spend a lot of time with Alexis,
you could've done a better job looking out for her!
- Okay, I'm sorry I'm not a condom.
- Aaaah! I always knew this would happen!
Oh, God help us all.
- Okay, I just think I'm in a state of shock right now,
you know, the news was very numbing,
and I'm feeling very alone. - Mhmm. Mm!
Imagine how Alexis must feel.
- Yeah, I haven't spoken to her.
- Huh. Remind what this is again?
- That is a eucalyptus under eye serum.
- Mhmm...
and remind me why you can't apply it to yourself?
- Because it requires a steady hand,
and I'm going through a lot right now.
- Right... (Bell on door jingles)
- Hi, I was looking for some uh--
- Yeah, we don't sell that.
- Bath salts? - We actually do sell those.
They're on the middle shelf, just over there.
I'll be over to help you in a second.
- Okay, between Alexis getting knocked up,
and us not having enough privacy to connect,
I'm feeling very shaken.
- Do you think you're gonna make it, though?
- Unclear.
Unclear on whether I'm gonna make it through or not.
- Hang in there.
Moira: Jocelyn, oh, I seem to have left my sunglasses behind,
you haven't discovered them amidst your cleaning, have you?
- You mean, the ones on top of your head?
- And there they are. - (Laughs)
- And I'm off, then.
- Moira, is everything all right?
You seem a little distracted today.
- No, I'm-I'm just a little distracted today.
- I'm having one of those days myself.
- We're in the midst of a family crisis,
if you must know!
- Well, I don't wanna pry, so-- - Well, you've cracked me open.
Alexis is pregnant. - What?
- I know! We discovered the test in her bathroom today.
- You did? - And to think when I awoke,
my biggest concern was how to make
that ragtime medley of yours work.
- Uh huh...
- It's just flagrant irresponsibility!
To allow an unscheduled conception to occur!
- Moira? - Oh, she has no idea
of the toll a baby can take on its mother,
or its mother's mother.
- Moira, I'm the one who's pregnant.
- If only. - It's true.
I was dropping off Alexis' course book,
and I had gotten the test from the pharmacy,
and I was so anxious to find out,
that I took the test in Alexis' bathroom.
- Oh Jocelyn, oh Jocelyn!
Oh, what a wonderful surprise for us all!
Oh! - I know.
I thought it was menopause that was making me late,
and giving me the cravings, and morning sickness.
- I wouldn't know.
- Listen, can you do me a favour,
and just keep this between the two of us,
because Roland doesn't know yet.
- Oh! Oh Jocelyn, Roland's not the father?
- Of course he is, I just haven't found
the right time to tell him.
- Don't wait, best to rip it off like a band aid.
- You're probably right.
It's just that we weren't expecting this.
- One must prepare for any event.
Miracles don't take reservations.
Ahhh! Oh...
- (Sighs)
(Door opens)
- Oh, hi, honey.
- My God, how long have you been sitting there?
- Oh, I didn't realize it took you so long
to put your makeup on.
- Can I help you with something?
- Just wondering how you're feeling.
- Fine, a little nervous.
- Well, that's understandable, comes with the territory.
Uh... it might help if we chat about it.
- Um no, I don't want to chat about it. I'm late.
- Well, I know you're late, sweetheart.
- I knew this was gonna happen!
David has already given me a hard time.
- I know, and believe me,
I will be talking to David about that.
Now... Ted,
is he being supportive?
- I haven't even told Ted. - Oh.
- I just wanna do one thing on my own!
- And you're sure this is the right one thing to pick?
- Okay, please don't stress me out about this!
This is supposed to be fun!
- And it will be fun, honey, it will be, in time.
You know, it will also be a lot of work.
- I know that!
- And not to mention, a lot of money.
- Why do you think I've been saving up my money
from the vet's office?
- How long have you known about this?
- Oh my God, you are being so extra right now!
I have to go! - Okay,
clearly this is not a good time,
but I just want you to know your mother and I are here,
whenever you feel comfortable enough to talk,
although I'd suggest talking to me, and...
not your mother.
- You are making way too big a deal of this.
If I don't like it, I'll just give it up, and move on!
Okay?
(Door slams)
(Jazz music plays)
(Bell on door jingles)
- Hmmm.
(Bag rustles)
- Ding, ding!
- Ahem. Hi.
We're actually closed today.
- It's one o'clock on a Friday.
- Okay, is there something I can help you with?
- Do you give all your customers this kind
of VIP treatment?
- Actually, I do, and I would love to keep chatting,
it's just that Patrick and I were working on fixing a uh...
a light bulb in the back, so we-- oh, hey.
- Hey, Stevie. - Hi.
- David and I were just in the back doing some inventory.
- Yeah. - Hmm, yeah.
Seems like you guys are really busy...
at work. - Uh...
- Ooh, what's that? - What's what?
- You got a little red um... is that a bug bite?
Or a little mouth shaped sunburn?
Looks like a hickey, actually.
- But it's not, it's not a-- it's not a hickey, right?
Because that would be disgusting,
and wildly unprofessional.
David, did you give me a hickey?!
- Okay no, I didn't, I gave you a-a half hickey,
because we haven't had the time or the privacy
for me to give you a full hickey!
- If you give me $50 bucks I'll stand outside,
and tell people you're on lunch.
- I'll give you 50 cents to stand outside
and never come back! - You see,
this is why we can't do this here.
- Desperate times, huh? - No, trying times,
nothing about this is desperate.
It's just that there's a lot of people at the motel,
and Patrick is renting a room from Ray.
- Who really likes to chat. - Yeah.
So there has literally been zero privacy.
- Well, if you want, I'm happy to offer you guys
my apartment for the night.
- Why? Why would you do that?
- Because I care about you two.
- Okay, and where will you be?
- Well, if you must know, work's been really stressful,
so I'm going to take a little me time at a spa in Elmdale.
- That is super generous,
but wouldn't be a little bit weird
us having alone time at your place?
Especially because you guys have--
- Oh God no! No, we've never-- - No, never, ew!
- We've never done that there. - Never. I still live there.
- I mean, we could consider it.
- What exactly is the catch?
- No catch.
- David! - What?
- We'll take the place. - Okay, we'll take the place.
- Great, and I'll take this.
- So there's a bit of a catch.
(Door opens, slams)
- You know, Moira, it's not as bad as I thought. - Mmm...
- If David sells the store, and uh...
and you get some part time work,
and we get a good price for the car,
I think we can make it through the first two years easy,
and then we just have to figure out preschool.
- John, as much as I appreciate your budgetary prowess,
it turns out there is no immediate need for concern.
- Well, now we're all taking this a little too lightly.
- Alexis isn't the one who's pregnant.
Someone else is, but don't press me for details,
because I've been sworn to secrecy.
- You've been sworn-- - It's Jocelyn!
But you're not supposed to know.
She hasn't told Roland yet.
- Jocelyn! - Uh ha.
She was appropriately gobsmacked herself.
And I must say, I am entirely relieved.
- Yeah, that's it's not Alexis!
- But save that spreadsheet, John,
and you might want to add a line item for prophylactics.
Tomorrow's another day. - Yeah, well, don't worry,
I've already had a serious talk with Alexis,
though now I'm wondering what exactly...
we were talking about.
(Students chatter)
- Um, hey, excuse me,
I'm looking for the registrar's office.
- It's in there.
- Okay, I'm just like, a little bit confused,
because on the brochure it looks like
it's in a moss covered building by the lake.
So... I'm guessing the quad is just like,
on the other side of the building?
- The office is in there, make a right.
- A 100%.
(Car rumbles)
♪♪♪
(Students chatter)
(Music plays)
- Ooh...
(Music plays on radio)
- Okay, hi. Hi! - Hmm, what's up?
- I am what this brochure calls a prospective student.
- Cool, so you're not enrolled yet?
- No, I am enrolled, um, prospectively.
I was wondering if there's like, a campus tour,
or something? - Wow...
well, it wouldn't be much of a tour, but...
yeah, I guess I could walk you back up the hall,
if you want.
- Okay, it's just that this brochure is like,
a little bit confusing.
- Yeah, we couldn't afford in house photography,
so we just used stock images. See? Watermark there.
(Laughs) This is actually a still
from "Dead Poets Society."
- I feel like that's false advertising,
especially considering what I am paying for these courses.
- Yeah, but you get free coffee and doughnuts.
Oh, and like, um, an agenda.
- (Groans) - Yeah, it's off by a day.
So... I wouldn't use it.
- Okay great, I would like a refund, please.
- Uh, the problem is, is we don't give refunds.
- Okay, then I guess I would just like my money back, then.
- Again, we don't give refunds. - Okay, okay.
This is the first time that I've ever invested
in anything myself, and I thought that was like,
the responsible choice, but clearly,
this is like, a joke school.
- Well, that's why most students do their courses online.
- Oh. So like, potentially,
I could refund my refund request,
do all my courses online, and like,
never have to ever come back here again?
- That's actually how I keep my side hustle going,
part time DJ.
Here's my card, in case you have any problems,
or you wanna go on a date, or something.
- Okay. Well, I won't be doing any of that,
but thank you so much.
Ooh!
(Door opens)
- Please, come in, come in.
- Ooh. - Welcome.
Make yourselves at home.
Just so you know, there's nothing in the fridge.
Oh, and I marked the booze, so I'll know if you touch it.
- I noticed the line is a couple inches above
where the whiskey starts.
- I am stunned by your generosity.
Where exactly are you going tonight?
- Out to a spa.
- Which she already told us, so maybe just say thank you.
- Oh no, I did, I did say thank you multiple times.
Um, what is the name of the spa?
- David! Let's just let her go, okay?
- Okay, yeah. (Knock on the door)
- Are we expecting company, or? - N-no, I wasn't!
- Hey, pony! Are you ready to go?
- What are you doing? I said I would meet you outside!
- I said I'd help you with your bags.
- David. Wow, it's been a while.
- Pony. - Hey...
- Mm-mm! Ahem! - Wow, you look good.
Who's this guy?
- This is my... that's-- - Patrick.
- That's Patrick. - And you are?
- Picking up Stevie. - Yeah, we're gonna go, so...
- So I'm not getting a name, then.
- Um, so you and "pony,"
what do you have planned for tonight?
- Well, it's date night, so we thought maybe
we'd spend it in the woods.
- Yeah, just galloping around the woods, huh?
- Yeah, with your "pony."
Not at a spa. So...
I take it you two are still-- - Seeing each other, yes.
As it turns out we are.
- After we all broke up,
Stevie came over to end things officially,
and it just didn't stick, so. - Yeah. Yeah.
No, it didn't stick, did it.
- When you say "we all broke up--"
- So you offering your apartment
had nothing to do with any guilt you felt
about harbouring a little secret?
- Nope. Just trying to be a good person, so.
We're gonna go, leave you two lovebirds.
- Unless you two wanna come?
- Nope! I don't think so.
- Come on. - You do you.
- Good to meet you, man.
(Door shuts)
- So we're gonna talk about this, right?
- Yep, I'm just gonna grab that bottle of--
- Whiskey? Yeah. - Yeah, the whiskey.
(Cars rumbles)
- So Roland, you're probably wondering why
I'm taking you out for tacos tonight.
- Well honey, you don't need a special reason for taco night.
- No, but there is a special reason tonight.
There's something that I wanted to talk to you about,
something exciting.
- Oh, hold that thought, honey.
Hey, Johnny, Moira, Jocelyn's just about to tell me
something exciting, come and join us.
- Oh, no, no, no, far be it for us to intrude.
No, I think it's best that Jocelyn share
this life altering news, whatever it may be,
on her own. - Yeah.
And we'll probably take another table,
because I skipped lunch and you know me when I'm hungry.
Look out! (Laughs)
Uh, we'll sit over here.
- Johnny, I am not gonna ask again.
- No, no, no.
- No, in fact I am gonna ask again.
And again. And again. - Roland--
- Get over here, and sit yourself down!
- It's okay Moira, take a seat.
- Okay, okay well, John and I will just study the menu,
as they keep making amendments. - Yeah...
- (Sighs)
Hmm... - So Roland,
you might have noticed that I've been on a real
Dorito casserole kick lately,
and there's a reason for that.
- Besides wanting to keep me as your husband?
(Laughs uproariously) Am I right, Johnny?
- Oh, I don't need to be a part of this.
- The last time I made that casserole
was when I was pregnant with Mutt.
And I've really been craving that casserole again.
- Yeah.
Well, that's understandable honey,
I mean, it's a terrific casserole.
- I'd kill for a casserole right now.
- Rollie, how are you not getting this?
- Have we decided? - I'm pregnant!
- (Gasps) - We're having a baby.
- Oh my goodness! - Yeah, Twyla,
I'm gonna have the bottomless French Onion soup,
and maybe you might wanna drop a little calamari on the table.
- John! (Gasps) - Yes! Oh, oh, pregnant?
Wow! Wonderful news.
Hey, congratulations, fella.
- Yes, we are stunned!
- Honey... are you okay?
- Okay? (Chuckles)
(Laughs wildly)
Of course I'm okay!
Oh my God!
We're having a baby!
(Applause)
Champagne for everybody, on me!
- I can't drink, Rollie. - Oh right, you're driving.
- Uh you know what Twyla, actually,
let's just do one beer, one beer for me. Okay?
- Congratulations, you two.
- Well, I can honestly say from the bottom of my heart,
that I couldn't be happier
that this is happening to you and your family!
(Crickets chirp)
- So this is for you. Um...
cheers to privacy.
- Sorry, I've just gotta go through that one more time.
So you dated Jake and then Stevie dated Jake.
- Mhmm... mhmm.
- And at one point, you all--
- No, see, that's where you're wrong.
We almost all, but I said no. - Ah.
- Because Stevie and I agreed that that would be a bad idea,
but it appears that I'm the only one that held up
my end of that agreement.
- And you're upset about this because you still...
- No! I'm not upset!
I-I don't want any of that! - No...
- It's a principle thing.
And we are getting sidetracked right now.
Okay? So...
who is feeling sexy?
- Getting there for sure, I just-you know, I...
I knew you had a rich dating history, David,
I just didn't expect to be graced by the presence
of two of your exes tonight.
- Yeah, funny thing, neither did I. So...
- But... - Mhmm?
- Given that we only have the apartment for one night.
- Mmm. - Maybe it's best if we...
lock that box back up for now?
- I think that's a good idea. - Mhmm. Mhmm.
- You know what, we didn't even get into your history--
- Lock it up, David. Lock it up. - Oh, okay.
- Hey, so I've been thinking about what you said,
and it is a big expense,
but I think I can find a way to make it work.
- What's happening?
- Dad's trying to get me to drop out of college.
- No, that's not what was happening!
I-I thought we were talking about something else.
- What else?
- Oh, he thought you were pregnant.
- What? Ew! - Well, we all did.
- Oh my God, that's so mean!
- Oh, look who's here. Where were you all night?
- Um...out-side.
I was outside.
- A little past curfew.
- Oh burn, David.
- I'm sorry, I was processing Alexis' situation.
- David, Alexis isn't-- - No, it's okay.
I mean, have your fun now David,
because when the twins arrive,
I'm gonna really need your help.
- Um, that's a hard pass.
- You're gonna be so involved in their lives.
- Mm, your body, your problem.
- David, Alexis isn't pregnant.
- Okay, but just picture them as like, tiny little roommates,
whose tiny little poops you get to clean up!
- Yeah, thanks so much.