♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> John: WELCOME, WELCOME,
WELCOME TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT!"
I'M JOHN OLIVER.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING
US.
JUST TIME FOR A QUICK RECAP OF
THE WEEK, WHICH WAS A BUSY ONE
FOR THE PRESIDENT, WHO OVERSAW
THE LARGEST SINGLE‐STATE I.C.E.
RAID IN U. S. HISTORY, RETWEETED
CONSPIRACIES ABOUT THE DEATH OF
JEFFREY EPSTEIN, AND VISITED THE
SITES OF LAST WEEK'S MASS
SHOOTINGS, WHICH WENT EXACTLY AS
WELL AS YOU'D EXPECT.
>> SOME OF PRESIDENT TRUMP'S OWN
AIDES ARE CONCEDING HIS VISITS
TO TWO CITIES IN MOURNING DIDN'T
GO AS PLANNED AFTER NEW VIDEO
SHOWS HIM BRAGGING ABOUT CROWD
SIZES WHILE AT A HOSPITAL IN
EL PASO.
>> I WAS HERE THREE MONTHS AGO
WE, MADE A SPEECH AND WE HAD
A ‐‐ WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THE
ARENA?
THAT PLACE WAS PACKED, RIGHT?
THAT WAS SOME CROWD.
AND WE HAD TWICE THE NUMBER
OUTSIDE.
AND THEN YOU HAD THIS CRAZY
BETO ‐‐ BETO HAD 400 PEOPLE IN A
PARKING LOT AND THEY SAID HIS
CROWD WAS WONDERFUL.
>> John: WOW.
LOOK, WE KNOW HOW MUCH TRUMP
STRUGGLES TO DO THE BARE MINIMUM
OF BEING A PRESIDENT, BUT IT'S
STILL SHOCKING JUST HOW MUCH HE
STRUGGLES TO DO THE BARE MINIMUM
OF BEING A FUCKING PERSON.
BECAUSE JUST CONSIDER THE
THOUGHT PROCESS THERE.
HE VISITED A HOSPITAL FILLED
WITH VICTIMS OF A MASS SHOOTING
AND THOUGHT TO HIMSELF,
"REMEMBER THAT OTHER TIME WHEN I
WAS THE CENTER OF ATTENTION AND
IT WAS BETTER?"
THEN HE THOUGHT, "DO YOU THINK
ANYONE ELSE REMEMBERS THAT?"
THEN HE THOUGHT, "I SHOULD
REMIND THEM, RIGHT?"
THEN HE THOUGHT, "GREAT IDEA."
THEN HE THOUGHT, "THANK YOU!"
THEN HE THOUGHT, "IVANKA."
THEN HE THOUGHT, "NO TIME!"
AND THEN HE SAID IT.
AND HE WAS HAPPY WITH HOW IT
SOUNDED.
BUT TRUMP'S PATHOLOGICAL LACK OF
EMPATHY SHOULDN'T DISTRACT FROM
THE IMPORTANT QUESTION RIGHT
NOW, WHICH IS, WHAT ACTION, IF
ANY, WILL BE TAKEN ON GUNS?
BECAUSE WHILE YOU'RE CONDITIONED
TO THINK, "ABSOLUTELY NONE,"
PRESSURE IS ACTUALLY BUILDING.
WHEN OHIO GOVERNOR MIKE DeWINE
SPOKE AT A VIGIL FOLLOWING THE
DAYTON SHOOTING, THE CROWD MADE
IT PAINFULLY CLEAR THEY WANTED
ACTION:
>> WHAT WE DO TONIGHT BY THIS
AMAZING CROWD IS TO SAY TO THEM
THAT WE LOVE YOU, WE CARE VERY,
VERY DEEPLY ABOUT YOU.
[CROWD CHANTING DO SOMETHING]
>> John: YOU KNOW YOU'RE DOING A
BAD JOB WHEN PEOPLE ARE YELLING
"DO SOMETHING" AT YOU.
NOT EVEN, "TRY A DIFFERENT
POSITION!"
OR "LIKE THAT BUT TO THE LEFT!"
JUST "DO SOMETHING," THE
UNIVERSAL COMPLAINT FOR MEN
PUTTING IN LESS THAN 0%
EVERYWHERE.
SO IT'S PRETTY CLEAR SUPPORT FOR
MEANINGFUL REFORM IS THERE.
BUT AS ALWAYS, A KEY OBSTACLE IS
THE NRA, AN ORGANIZATION WHOSE
FORMER PRESIDENT ONCE FAMOUSLY
SAID YOU CAN HAVE HIS GUN WHEN
YOU PRY IT FROM HIS COLD DEAD
HANDS.
AND GUESS WHAT?
I FUCKING DID.
SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT
IT?
SHOOT ME?
WITH WHAT, YOU DEAD IDIOT?
THE NRA HAS SUCCESSFULLY FOUGHT
LEGISLATION FOR DECADES NOW,
ALTHOUGH IT'S CURRENTLY IN THE
MIDST OF AN INTERNAL SHIT SHOW.
IT ALL STARTED LAST YEAR WHEN
FEDERAL INVESTIGATORS STARTED
LOOKING INTO WHETHER A RUSSIAN
AGENT HAD USED THEM TO
INFILTRATE REPUBLICAN POLITICS,
WHICH IS COMFORTABLY BAD ENOUGH,
BUT THEN THE NEW YORK STATE A. G.
STARTED LOOKING INTO THEIR
TAX‐EXEMPT STATUS, BECAUSE THE
NRA IS TECHNICALLY A NON‐PROFIT.
AND IT TURNS OUT THERE'S BEEN
SOME VERY SUSPICIOUS
EXPENDITURES.
>> IN MAY, LEAKED DOCUMENTS
SHOWED THE GROUP'S LONG‐TIME
LEADER, WAYNE LaPIERRE, MAY
HAVE MISUSED MEMBER DUES,
SPENDING NEARLY $300,000 ON
DESIGNER CLOTHES.
>> John: $300,000 ON CLOTHES?
THIS GUY?
HOW?
WAYNE LaPIERRE APPEARS TO ONLY
OWN A SINGLE SUIT.
HERE IS WHAT HE WORE TO CPAC IN
2018.
HERE'S WHAT HE WORE TO CPAC
IN 2017.
ALTHOUGH IN 2016, TO BE FAIR, HE
DID SHAKE IT UP AND WORE THIS ‐‐
I'M KIDDING.
I'M CLEARLY KIDDING.
IT WAS OBVIOUSLY THIS.
AND LOOK, IF YOU'RE GOING TO
BLOW THAT MUCH MONEY ON CLOTHES,
AT LEAST MAKE MORE INTERESTING
CHOICES THAN DRESSING LIKE THE
HEAD COACH OF THE OPPOSING TEAM
IN A "MIGHTY DUCKS" MOVIE.
AND IT WASN'T JUST SUITS ‐‐
THERE WERE ALSO ALLEGATIONS OF
MISSPENDING ON LAVISH TRAVEL
EXPENSES, ALL OF WHICH WAS
INFURIATING FOR MANY NRA MEMBERS
AND EMPLOYEES, SINCE THE
ORGANIZATION HAS BEEN RUNNING
DEFICITS OF AS MUCH AS
$40 MILLION AND HAS EVEN
ELIMINATED FREE COFFEE AT ITS
HEADQUARTERS AND FROZEN THE
EMPLOYEES' PENSION PLAN.
AND THINGS GOT EVEN WORSE THIS
WEEK WHEN THIS STORY BROKE:
>> ACCORDING TO A NEW REPORT
>> THE CEO OF THE NRA,
WAYNE LaPIERRE
WANTED THE GUN LOBBY TO BUY HIM
A $6‐MILLION HOUSE IN TEXAS IN
PART OVER FEARS FOR HIS SAFETY
AFTER THE PARKLAND SCHOOL
SHOOTING LAST YEAR.
>> John: WOW.
PUTTING ASIDE THE HEAD OF THE
NRA CLAIMING HE NEEDS A MANSION
BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLE GOT SHOT,
THE HOUSE IN QUESTION IS
LUDICROUS.
BECAUSE THE NRA DIDN'T BUY IT,
SO IT'S STILL LISTED ON ZILLOW.
WHICH IS HOW WE KNOW IT CONTAINS
FOUR BEDROOMS AND
NINE BATHROOMS, WHICH IS TOO
MANY BATHROOMS, ESPECIALLY
CONSIDERING ONE OF THEM IS THIS
ONE.
AND WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING
THERE?
THAT IS A BATHTUB STAGED LIKE A
COMMUNITY THEATER.
HOW IS THAT EVEN SUPPOSED TO
WORK?
I MEAN, I SUPPOSE YOU COULD SIT
NAKED IN THAT TUB WHILE TWO
PEOPLE SIT WITH THEIR BACKS TO
YOU READING, OR AS IT'S KNOWN IN
ENGLAND, A THREESOME.
BUT OTHERWISE, THAT IS AN
INEXPLICABLE SETUP FOR A
BATHROOM.
AND AS IF ALL THIS WEREN'T
ENOUGH, BOARD MEMBERS ARE ALSO
NOW QUESTIONING THE LARGE AMOUNT
PAID TO THE GROUP'S AD AGENCY,
ACKERMAN‐McQUEEN, WHICH WAS
RESPONSIBLE FOR CREATING AND
RUNNING NRATV.
WE ACTUALLY TALKED ABOUT IT LAST
YEAR.
AND THERE WAS ALWAYS SOMETHING
WEIRD GOING ON THERE, BECAUSE
ITS SHOWS LOOKED BOTH EXPENSIVE
AND MADE FOR NO ONE.
AND WHILE NRATV HAS SINCE BEEN
SHUT DOWN, THERE'S A PART OF
ME ‐‐ THE PART THAT'S LYING ‐‐
THAT WILL REALLY MISS IT,
BECAUSE IT MEANS THERE'LL BE NO
MORE EPISODES OF MY FAVORITE
SHOWS LIKE "LOVE AT
FIRST SHOT," A SHOW AIMED AT
WOMEN WHERE ONE EPISODE WAS
FOCUSED ON THE MOST STYLISH WAY
TO CONCEALED CARRY:
>> SO TODAY, YOU'RE GOING TO BE
GIVEN A CHALLENGE OF FINDING TWO
OUTFITS.
AND YOU'RE GONNA BE JUDGED ON
FOUR DIFFERENT CRITERIA.
CONCEALABILITY: HOW WELL YOU CAN
CONCEAL YOUR FIREARM.
PRACTICALITY: ARE YOU ACTUALLY
GONNA WEAR THESE CLOTHES THAT
WE'RE GOING TO BUY TODAY?
STYLE...
>> IF IT GETS HOT DURING THE
DAY, I CAN JUST TAKE OFF THE
BACK PIECE AND STILL BE
CONCEALING AND EVERYTHING.
>> ABSOLUTELY.
AND WHERE ARE YOU CARRYING?
>> SO I DEFINITELY AM CARRYING
AT THE WAIST, BUT I HAVE ANOTHER
OPTION TOO, AND I'M CARRYING
UNDER THE ARM TOO.
>> PERFECT, NICE.
>> John: I MEAN, YOU HAVE TO
ADMIT, THAT OUTFIT IS VERSATILE.
YOU CAN TOTALLY SEE HER GOING TO
THE MALL, GOING TO DRINKS, AND,
WITH THOSE GUNS, GOING TO KILL
THE ENTIRE BLUE MAN GROUP.
NOW, OBVIOUSLY, THE DEATH OF
NRATV IS A TRAGEDY ‐‐ THOUGHTS
AND PRAYERS TO ALL THOSE
AFFECTED.
BUT THE BOTTOM LINE IS THAT FOR
THE FIRST TIME IN A WHILE,
THINGS ARE NOT ACTUALLY LOOKING
GREAT FOR THE NRA.
SO DOES THIS MEAN GUN CONTROL
COULD FINALLY HAPPEN?
MITCH McCONNELL HAS HINTED AT
ACTION ON BACKGROUND CHECKS, BUT
HE'S ALSO REFUSED TO RECALL THE
SENATE AND MIGHT WELL BE HOPING
THAT BY THE TIME IT'S BACK IN
SESSION THE PRESSURE WILL BE
OFF.
MEANWHILE, THE PRESIDENT HAS
SAID HE'S WILLING TO STAND UP TO
THE NRA, BUT HE'S ALSO, ONE, A
LIAR, AND TWO, LIKELY TO
IDENTIFY WITH AN ORGANIZATION
THAT HAS SPENT ITSELF INTO
COLOSSAL DEBT, HAS TROUBLING
TIES TO RUSSIA, AND IS
ASSOCIATED WITH SHITTY TV
PROGRAMS AND VERY BAD TASTE.
I GUESS WHAT I'M SAYING IS, A
WEAKENED NRA IS NICE, BUT THE
ONLY WAY THINGS ARE REALLY GOING
TO CHANGE IS IF LAWMAKERS
CONTINUE TO FEEL THE PRESSURE
TO, IF I MAY QUOTE THAT OHIO
CROWD ‐‐ "DO SOMETHING."
AND NOW THIS.
>> Announcer: AND NOW, THE
POINTLESS AND SOMEHOW MEMORIZING
PLAY‐BY‐PLAY OF THE 51ST ANNUAL
STONE SKIPPING COMPETITION.
>> OUR FIRST SKIPPER TODAY IS
KURT.
OH, A LOT OF NICE PITTY PATS
THERE.
>> AT THE SHERIFF, IS HE A REAL
SHARE OF?
>> THAT'S HIS NICKNAME.
>> DO THEY TAKE THEIR SHOES OFF?
>> THEY ARE AFRAID THEY WILL
SLIP.
>> OH.
>> SHORTS MIGHT HAVE BEEN A GOOD
CALL.
>> HE LEARNED MOST OF WHAT HE
GOT FROM ROSS "ROCK‐BOTTOM"
BUYERS.
>> THESE ARE STONES THAT THESE
GUYS HAVE PROBABLY SLEPT WITH.
>> THERE IS A SKIP.
THERE IS A NICE GIFT.
OOH THERE IS A NICE GET.
SPEAK UP, HOW DO YOU FEEL?
>> LIKE A CHAMPION.
FELT GOOD ABOUT IT.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
>> John: MOVING ON.
OUR MAIN STORY TONIGHT CONCERNS
THE COUNTRY OF TURKMENISTAN, AND
SPECIFICALLY, ITS PRESIDENT,
GURBANGULY BERDIMUHAMEDOV.
THAT'S NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH
THE GURBANGULY BERDIMUHAMEDOV
YOU WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH OR
THE ONE THAT WAS DATING
TAYLOR SWIFT OVER THE SUMMER.
NO ‐‐ THIS GURBANGULY
BERDIMUHAMEDOV.
HE'S ACTUALLY BEEN IN THE NEWS
RECENTLY AFTER RUMORS CIRCULATED
THAT HE'D DIED, SOMETHING HIS
GOVERNMENT PUSHED BACK ON HARD,
FIRST INSISTING THAT HE WAS
MERELY ON VACATION, THEN
RELEASING A 25‐MINUTE VIDEO TO
STATE TV SHOWING EVERYTHING HE
WAS DOING, FROM BOWLING TO
WORKING OUT WITH HIS FRIENDS TO
THIS:
>> AS WE KNOW, OUR DEAR LEADER
IS VERY SKILLFUL IN CONTROLLING
A SPORTS CAR.
HE RODE HIS POWERFUL OFF‐ROAD
CAR AROUND THE CRATER AND
DEMONSTRATED HIS HIGH
PROFESSIONAL DRIVING SKILLS.
>> John: WELL, COUNT ME
CONVINCED.
THAT GUY IS CLEARLY ALIVE AND
WELL.
YOU CAN'T DO DONUTS AROUND A
FLAMING PIT IF YOU'RE DEAD.
THINK ABOUT ALL THE PEOPLE WHO
ARE DEAD RIGHT NOW ‐‐ BABE RUTH,
GALILEO, MARLON BRANDO,
MOTHER THERESA, THE ORIGINAL
PAUL McCARTNEY ‐‐ DO YOU SEE ANY
OF THEM DOING DONUTS AROUND
FIRE PITS?
OF COURSE YOU DON'T.
YOU HAVE TO BE ALIVE.
NOW, IF BERDIMUHAMEDOV LOOKS A
BIT FAMILIAR, WE'VE ACTUALLY
MENTIONED HIM BEFORE, DURING OUR
SEGMENT ON AUTHORITARIAN
GOVERNMENTS, WHEN WE SHOWED YOU
THIS CLIP OF HIM BEING A LITERAL
STRONGMAN:
[CLAPPING]
LOOK, I HATE TO SAY THIS TO A
FELLOW LIFTER, BUT THAT SHIT IS
WEAK, BRO.
YOU DID ONE REP, AND THERE
WEREN'T EVEN WEIGHTS ON THE BAR.
EVEN WHEN I'M TAPERING, I STACK
MORE PLATE THAN AN OMAKASE.
MY BODY IS STUCK ON BEAST MODE,
AND THERE'S NO OFF SWITCH.
YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW I GOT THESE
TWO BOULDER SHOULDERS?
BY PUTTING IN MY TIME AT MY
FORTRESS OF SWOLE‐ITUDE.
I'M JUST SAYING, BRO, TAKE
NOTES, 'CAUSE I BURST OUT OF
SUITS LIKE I'M MEGHAN MARKLE.
WHOO.
BOOM.
KA‐BLOW.
AND MAKE NO MISTAKE,
BERDIMUHAMEDOV IS EVEN WORSE AT
RULING A COUNTRY THAN HE IS AT
PUSHING PLATE.
HE'S A FIERCE AUTHORITARIAN AND,
ACCORDING TO HUMAN RIGHTS WATCH,
"TURKMENISTAN REMAINS ONE OF THE
WORLD'S MOST CLOSED AND
OPPRESSIVELY GOVERNED
COUNTRIES," OR AS ONE NGO
RESEARCHER PUT IT:
>> I WOULD SAY IT'S PROBABLY ONE
OF THE WORST PLACES TO LIVE IN
THE ‐‐ IN THE WORLD.
ABSOLUTELY NO FREEDOM OF THE
PRESS, ABSOLUTELY NO WAY YOU CAN
VOICE ANY KIND OF OPINION.
IT IS STILL VIRTUALLY A POLICE
STATE.
>> John: "ONE OF THE WORST
PLACES ON EARTH."
THAT IS QUITE A CLAIM,
CONSIDERING THE EARTH ALSO
INCLUDES SYRIA, NORTH KOREA, AND
TWITTER.
AND IT'S NOT JUST A LACK OF
FREEDOM OF SPEECH ‐‐ THERE'VE
ALSO BEEN STATE DEPARTMENT
REPORTS OF "ARBITRARY ARREST AND
DETENTION, ENDEMIC CORRUPTION,
AND FORCED LABOR."
SO HE IS A DANGEROUS WORLD
LEADER, BUT THAT'S NOT THE
REASON WE'RE TALKING ABOUT HIM.
AFTER ALL, DANGEROUS WORLD
LEADERS ARE CURRENTLY A DIME A
DOZEN, WHICH IS JUST ONE OF THE
MANY THINGS THAT MAKES BEING
ALIVE RIGHT NOW SIMPLY GREAT.
NO, WHAT MAKES BERDIMUHAMEDOV
UNIQUE IS THAT, EVEN AMONG
STRONGMAN DICTATORS, HE IS
TRULY, DEEPLY, AND COMPELLINGLY
ODD.
SO TONIGHT, LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT
HIM, AND WHILE THIS STORY IS
GOING TO GET VERY WEIRD, I
PROMISE YOU, IN 20 MINUTES,
YOU'RE NOT SO MUCH GOING TO BE
WONDERING WHY WE TALKED ABOUT
TURKMENISTAN AS WHY WE'D TALK
ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE EVER AGAIN.
AND LET'S START WITH THE OBVIOUS
AUTOCRAT STUFF HERE: HE'S BEEN
RUNNING TURKMENISTAN FOR 12
YEARS, AND IN HIS MOST RECENT
ELECTION, HE WON WITH 98% OF THE
VOTE.
AND LIKE MANY AUTOCRATS, HE'S
FOND OF SHOWCASING HIS PHYSICAL
PROWESS, WHICH YOU KIND OF
ALREADY KNOW FROM WATCHING HIM
INSTALL A SHOWER ROD ON #ArmDay.
THERE'S NO SHORTAGE OF VIDEOS
ONLINE WHERE YOU CAN SEE HIM
FIRING WEAPONS AND THROWING
KNIVES TO IMPRESS HIS TROOPS.
BUT THAT'S JUST THE BEGINNING.
BECAUSE BERDIMUKHMEDOV TAKES
THOSE STANDARD ISSUE
CULT OF PERSONALITY ANTICS AND
DOES THEM JUST A LITTLE BIT
STRANGER.
>> BY SHOOTING TARGETS DOWN
WHILE RIDING A BIKE, OUR GREAT
COMMANDER‐IN‐CHIEF ONCE AGAIN
DEMONSTRATED HIS PHYSICAL
READINESS.
THIS BECAME A MOMENT WHEN OUR
DEAR LEADER, WHO HAS HIGH SKILLS
IN EVERY TRADE, DEMONSTRATED HIS
LEVEL OF MASTERFULNESS.
>> John: OH, YES, TOTAL
MASTERFULNESS!
SO WATCH OUT, ENEMIES OF
TURKMENISTAN, BECAUSE
BERDIMUHAMEDOV WON'T HESITATE
TO SLOWLY RIDE A BIKE NEAR YOU
AND SHOOT A GUN IN YOUR GENERAL
VICINITY BEFORE AN EDITOR MAKES
IT LOOK LIKE HE ACTUALLY HIT
YOU.
BUT IT IS NOT JUST KNIFE TOSSING
AND GUN‐CYCLING.
BERDIMUHAMEDOV IS ALSO AN
ARTIST, AND HIS CANVAS IS THE
HUMAN EAR.
HE WENT VIRAL LAST YEAR WITH A
RAP VIDEO RECORDED WITH HIS
GRANDSON ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE
OF SPORTS CALLED
"SPORTLY TURKMENISTAN."
♪ ♪
>> ♪ SPORT AND THE HEALTH IS
INSPIRATION ♪
♪ MAKES FOR THE SHOW AND SHOW
ALL THE NATIONS ♪
♪ GIVES YOU A JOY AND RAISE
SPIRIT HIGH ♪
♪ SPORT IS THE WAY TO HEALTH IN
LIFE ♪
♪ ♪
>> ♪ TURKMENISTAN,
TURKMENISTAN! ♪
>> John: FIRE.
EVERYTHING ABOUT THAT VIDEO IS
PERFECT, FROM THE FACT THAT
CLEARLY NEITHER OF THEM ARE
PLAYING THEIR INSTRUMENTS TO THE
FACT THEY JUST RHYMED
"TURKMENISTAN" WITH
"TURKMENISTAN."
ALL IN ALL, IT'S A FUN, CATCHY
SPORTS ANTHEM TRULY WORTHY OF
"JOCK JAMS VOLUME 40: MAYBE
SPORTS SUCK?"
BUT HIS MUSICAL TALENTS DON'T
STOP THERE.
HE ALSO DJs, PLAYS THE
PIANO, AND IS A GUITARIST WHO
GOES TO GREAT LENGTHS TO CONCEAL
HIS BLISTERING CHOPS:
♪ ♪
>> HOLY SHIT.
HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S PLAYING A
DUET WITH THE SMOKE MONSTER FROM
"LOST."
THAT STAGE LOOKS LIKE THE BACK
ENTRANCE TO A CHURCH AFTER A
FRENCH AA MEETING.
SO HE'S A STRONGMAN WHO LIKES
DJ'ING, RAPPING WITH HIS
GRANDSON, AND PLAYING THE
GUITAR.
BUT AMAZINGLY, WE HAVEN'T EVEN
GOTTEN TO THE TRULY WEIRD STUFF
YET, BECAUSE BERDIMUHAMEDOV
ALSO LIKES HORSES.
LIKE, A LOT.
LIKE, THE INCORRECT AMOUNT.
LIKE, TO THE EXTENT IT DISTRACTS
FROM EVERYTHING HE'S DONE DURING
HIS NEARLY 13‐YEAR PRESIDENCY.
JUST THINK ABOUT HOW MUCH
ANGELA MERKEL WOULD HAVE TO LIKE
TURTLES FOR SOMEONE TO GO ON TV
TO SAY, "WE DON'T HAVE MUCH
TIME, SO LET'S PUT ASIDE
EVERYTHING SHE'S EVER DONE AS
THE CHANCELLOR OF GERMANY AND
LET'S FOCUS ON THE TURTLE
THING."
THAT'S HOW MUCH BERDIMUHAMEDOV
LIKES HORSES.
AND NOT JUST ANY HORSE ‐‐ HE'S
SPECIFICALLY A FAN OF THE
AKHAL‐TEKE, WHICH ISN'T IN
ITSELF UNUSUAL ‐‐ IT'S A
BELOVED NATIONAL SYMBOL IN
TURKMENISTAN.
BUT NOT ONLY DOES HE GIVE
AKHAL‐TEKES AS GIFTS TO OTHER
WORLD LEADERS, HE'S WRITTEN
MULTIPLE BOOKS ON HORSES,
INCLUDING "THE HORSE: A SYMBOL
OF FAITHFULNESS AND HAPPINESS,"
"THE FLIGHT OF THE CELESTIAL
RACE HORSES," AND "AKHAL‐TEKE,
OUR PRIDE AND GLORY."
UNTIL RECENTLY, AN OFFICIAL
ENGLISH LANGUAGE COPY OF THAT
BOOK WAS ACTUALLY AVAILABLE ON
AMAZON, BUT UNFORTUNATELY, THERE
WAS ONLY ONE COPY, AND IT
APPEARS THAT SOMEONE BOUGHT IT,
SHIPPED IT TO NEW YORK, AND PUT
IT UNDER MY DESK.
BECAUSE ‐‐ WOULD YOU LIKE TO
HEAR MY FAVORITE PASSAGE?
BECAUSE IT'S THIS, AND I QUOTE:
"WITNESSES NEVER WEARIED OF
BEING ASTONISHED BY THE
STEED‐AND‐HUMAN INTERCOURSE
BROUGHT TO FULL PERFECTION."
WHICH I'M HOPING IS A
MISTRANSLATION BUT PROBABLY
ISN'T, BECAUSE BERDIMUHAMEDOV
HAS INVOLVED HIMSELF IN ALL
STAGES OF THE HORSE LIFE CYCLE.
A FEW YEARS AGO, HE AWARDED
HIMSELF THE TITLE "THE PEOPLE'S
HORSE BREEDER."
HE'S ALSO "MADE IT ILLEGAL TO
CHANGE AN AKHAL‐TEKE HORSE'S
NAME DURING ITS LIFETIME."
AND A FEW YEARS AGO, ISSUED A
PRESIDENTIAL DECREE INSTITUTING
A TRADITION OF "BEAUTY CONTESTS
FOR HORSES."
WHICH IS DEFINITELY ODD, BUT AT
THE SAME TIME, YOU DO HAVE TO
ADMIT: THE AKHAL‐TEKE IS A
BEAUTIFUL HORSE.
I MEAN, THAT IS A SUPER FUCKABLE
HORSE RIGHT THERE.
I'M NOT SAYING I WOULD FUCK THAT
HORSE ‐‐ I'M JUST SAYING THAT IF
I WAS A HORSE, I WOULD FUCK THAT
HORSE.
TO BE CLEAR: ME, JOHN OLIVER THE
HUMAN, WOULD NOT FUCK THAT
HORSE.
BUT JOHN OLIVER THE HORSE WOULD
DEFINITELY FUCK THAT HORSE.
THAT'S NOT WEIRD ‐‐ I'D BE A
HORSE!
HORSES FUCK OTHER HORSES ALL THE
TIME.
THAT'S HOW THEY MAKE NEW HORSES.
I GUESS WHAT I'M SAYING IS, IF I
WAS A HORSE AND YOU SAID TO ME,
"FUCK, MARRY, KILL: MUSTANG,
AKHAL‐TEKE, CLYDESDALE," NO
QUESTION IN MY HORSE MIND,
FUCK THE AKHAL‐TEKE, MARRY THE
MUSTANG, SEND THE CLYDESDALE TO
THE GLUE FACTORY.
BUT, AGAIN, ONLY IF I WAS A
HORSE.
ONLY IF I WAS A HORSE.
ADMITTEDLY, I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT
THIS A LOT, BUT DEFINITELY NOT
AS MUCH AS GURBANGULY
BERDIMUHAMEDOV HAS.
AMAZINGLY, HE REPORTEDLY OWNS
MORE THAN 600 AKHAL‐TEKES, WHICH
IS ALMOST 10% OF THE WORLD
TOTAL.
HE OWNS A PLURALITY OF THEM.
THAT IS OBJECTIVELY TOO MANY
HORSES.
IMAGINE OWNING 10% OF THE
WORLD'S TOTAL OF ANYTHING, AND I
SAY THIS AS THE OWNER OF 100% OF
AMAZON'S INVENTORY OF
"AKHAL‐TEKE, OUR PRIDE AND
GLORY."
NOW, EARLIER THIS YEAR, SOMEONE
GAVE BERDIMUHAMEDOV YET ANOTHER
ONE, NAMED "ROVACH," AND HE WAS
SO EXCITED THAT HE WROTE A POEM
ABOUT HIS NEW HORSE AND READ IT
ON STATE TV.
AND THIS IS REAL:
>> YOU ARE THE WORSHIP AND
MEMORABILIA OF ANCESTORS.
YOU ARE THE PASSAGE OF THE PAST
INTO TOMORROW.
YOUR NEIGHING IS THE
MELODY OF HEAVENS.
ROVACH, YOU ARE THE ANTHEM OF MY
HEART!
>> John: WAIT.
JUST WAIT.
"YOUR NEIGHING IS THE
MELODY OF HEAVENS?"
WAIT, WRITING A FUCK‐SONNET
ABOUT A HORSE IS WEIRD; IT
STRONGLY SUGGESTS HE'D LIKE TO
HAVE SEX WITH THAT HORSE.
BUT WRITING A FUCK‐SONNET ABOUT
A HORSE WHILE SITTING ON A HORSE
THRONE AMONG HORSE‐ACCENTED
CABINETRY COMPLIMENTED BY A
HORSE STATUE, HORSESHOE, AND
CUSTOM DESK INLAID WITH GOLD
HORSES?
THAT STRONGLY SUGGESTS THAT HE
ACTUALLY ALREADY DID.
THE POINT IS, PRESIDENT EQUUS
HERE LIKES HORSES.
BUT DO HORSES LIKE HIM?
THE ANSWER ‐‐ AND THIS IS A
DIRECT QUOTE ‐‐ IS "NAY."
AND DON'T JUST TAKE THAT FROM
ME.
DON'T TAKE THAT FROM ME.
LOOK AT ROVACH'S EXPRESSION
THERE.
THAT'S NOT SO MUCH AN EXPRESSION
AS A PHYSICAL MANIFESTATION OF
THE PHRASE "I CAN'T EVEN."
AND THIS ISN'T EVEN THE FIRST
TIME A HORSE SEEMED TO HAVE HAD
AN ISSUE WITH BERDIMUHAMEDOV.
JUST WATCH WHAT HAPPENED WHEN HE
PARTICIPATED IN A HORSE RACE IN
2013.
AND BEFORE I SHOW YOU THIS, I
SHOULD SAY TWO THINGS.
FIRST, REMEMBER, HE RUNS A
COUNTRY WHERE ACTIVISTS ARE
DISAPPEARED IN THE PRISON SYSTEM
AND WHICH HAS HIT THE BOTTOM OF
A NUMBER OF HUMAN RIGHTS
INDEXES.
AND SECOND, THE HORSE YOU'RE
ABOUT TO SEE WAS FINE.
IT WAS FINE.
SO WITH THOSE TWO THINGS IN
MIND, WATCH THIS:
AGAIN, THE HORSE IS ALIVE AND
WELL.
I CAN PROVE IT TO YOU:
HERE HE IS DOING DONUTS AROUND A
FIRE PIT.
YOU HAVE TO BE ALIVE TO DO THAT.
CASE CLOSED.
NOW, INTERESTINGLY, WHEN THAT
RACE AIRED ON TV IN
TURKMENISTAN, THE FOOTAGE
CUT OFF A SPLIT SECOND BEFORE
HIS FALL.
SO BERDIMUHAMEDOV REALLY DIDN'T
WANT PEOPLE TO SEE THAT FOOTAGE.
SPECIFICALLY, THIS FOOTAGE:
EXACTLY.
THAT'S THE FOOTAGE HE DIDN'T
WANT PEOPLE TO SEE.
IN FACT, HE WAS SO CONCERNED
THAT PEOPLE MIGHT SEE IT,
JOURNALISTS WERE APPARENTLY
ASKED TO ERASE ALL PICTURES AND
FOOTAGE TAKEN OF THE INCIDENT,
AND AT THE AIRPORT, OFFICIALS
CONDUCTED EXTRA CHECKS FOR
FLASH STICKS AND CAMERA MEMORY
DISKS FOR ANY TRACES OF THE
VIDEO.
AND LOOK, I'M NOT GOING TO SHOW
YOU THAT SAME VIDEO AGAIN.
WHY WOULD I?
WHEN I CAN SHOW YOU A CLOSER
ANGLE OF THE EXACT SAME
INCIDENT.
AGAIN, THE HORSE?
FINE.
AND ‐‐ THIS IS TRUE ‐‐
A HERO.
SO TO SUMMARIZE, TURKMENISTAN'S
AUTHORITARIAN PRESIDENT IS A
STRONGMAN/DJ WITH A CREEPY,
UNRECIPROCATED AFFECTION
FOR HORSES.
AND THAT'S WHERE THE STORY ENDS.
OR AT LEAST IT WAS GOING TO
UNTIL WE LEARNED ABOUT ONE LAST
BIZARRE OBSESSION OF HIS, AND IN
THE WORDS OF TURKMEN AIRPORT
OFFICIALS INSPECTING THE LUGGAGE
OF FOREIGN JOURNALISTS, WE'RE
GOING TO HAVE TO UNPACK IT.
>> THE PRESIDENT HAS A CHILDLIKE
OBSESSION WITH COLLECTING
GUINNESS WORLD RECORDS.
ASHGABAT HOLDS THE RECORD FOR
HIGHEST DENSITY OF BUILDINGS
WITH WHITE MARBLE CLADDING.
THIS TOWER WON A WORLD RECORD
FOR LARGEST ARCHITECTURAL IMAGE
OF A STAR.
AGAIN, A GUINNESS RECORD FOR
THE HOTLY CONTESTED TITLE OF
WORLD'S LARGEST INDOOR
FERRIS WHEEL.
>> John: OKAY, ALL RIGHT, FIRST
OF ALL, THE ONLY THING WORSE
THAN A FERRIS WHEEL IS AN INDOOR
FERRIS WHEEL.
AND SECOND, "THE HIGHEST DENSITY
OF BUILDINGS WITH WHITE MARBLE
CLADDING" IS A POINTLESS RECORD.
I GET HE CLEARLY HAS AN
OBSESSION WITH MARBLE.
THE MAN EVEN BUILT A STATUE OF
HIMSELF ON A GOLDEN HORSE ATOP A
MASSIVE WHITE MARBLE CLIFF.
BUT AT SOME POINT, A RECORD IS
SO BIZARRELY SPECIFIC THAT IT
CEASES TO BE IMPRESSIVE, LIKE
"LARGEST BOWL OF GOULASH EATEN
WHILE WATCHING 'FRASIER,'" OR
"WORLD'S TALLEST ANSEL ELGORT.
ALSO, INCIDENTALLY, THE WORLD'S
SMALLEST ANSEL ELGORT."
BUT THE POINT IS, DURING HIS
TENURE AS PRESIDENT,
TURKMENISTAN HAS AGGRESSIVELY
SET A NUMBER OF GUINNESS
RECORDS, INCLUDING THE
WORLD'S HIGHEST NUMBER OF
FOUNTAIN POOLS IN A PUBLIC
SPACE, THE WORLD'S LONGEST
SINGLE LINE BICYCLE PARADE,
THE WORLD'S LARGEST HORSE HEAD
STATUE ‐‐ OF COURSE ‐‐ AND THE
WORLD'S LARGEST CYCLING
AWARENESS LESSON.
WE ACTUALLY FOUND FOOTAGE OF HIM
SETTING THAT RECORD, AND HE
SEEMED PRETTY PSYCHED ABOUT HIS
ACHIEVEMENT:
>> I WOULD LIKE TO EXPRESS MY
SPECIAL APPRECIATION TO A
REPRESENTATIVE OF THE
GUINNESS RECORD BOOK FOR A
CERTIFICATE FOR THE LARGEST
CYCLING AWARENESS LESSON.
THIS RESPECTED AWARD IS ANOTHER
ONE INTO THE COLLECTION OF OUR
COUNTRY'S GUINNESS RECORDS.
[APPLAUSE]
>> John: OKAY, FIRST OF ALL,
"A CYCLING AWARENESS LESSON"
SEEMS ENTIRELY UNNECESSARY.
CYCLING IS WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU
WANT TO LOSE A GUNFIGHT AS
SLOWLY AND INACCURATELY AS
POSSIBLE.
WHO ISN'T AWARE OF THAT?
BUT HERE IS WHERE THE STORY IS
GOING TO SHIFT AWAY FROM
TURKMENISTAN FOR A MINUTE,
ALTHOUGH I PROMISE WE WILL BE
BACK.
BECAUSE WE STARTED WONDERING,
WHAT IS AN OFFICIAL FROM
GUINNESS WORLD RECORDS DOING IN
ONE OF THE MOST REPRESSIVE
COUNTRIES ON EARTH CERTIFYING
RECORDS FOR AN AUTOCRAT?
BECAUSE THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE
THE FUN‐LOVING COMPANY THAT
CERTIFIES QUIRKY RECORDS LIKE ‐‐
AND THESE ARE REAL ‐‐ MOST
APPLES HELD IN THE MOUTH AND CUT
BY CHAINSAW IN ONE MINUTE, OR
OLDEST MALE STRIPPER.
IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE FUN.
BUT WHEN WE STARTED LOOKING INTO
IT, WE DISCOVERED THAT, IN THE
LAST FEW YEARS, A BIG CHUNK OF
GUINNESS WORLD RECORDS' INCOME
NOW COMES FROM HELPING COMPANIES
AND OTHER CLIENTS INVENT AND
BREAK NEW RECORDS TO GET
PUBLICITY ‐‐ THINGS LIKE WORKING
WITH GENERAL MILLS TO SET THE
RECORD FOR WORLD'S LONGEST LINE
OF TACOS.
BASICALLY, THEY CAN HELP DESIGN
AN EVENT AND EVEN SEND AN
OFFICIAL ADJUDICATOR, LIKE THE
ONE YOU JUST SAW, TO AWARD THE
RECORD ON THE SPOT.
BUT THAT DOESN'T COME CHEAP.
FOR A FULL‐SERVICE EVENT, THEY
REPORTEDLY CHARGE ANYWHERE FROM
$12,000 TO OVER HALF A MILLION.
AND YOU MIGHT THINK, "OKAY.
BUT WHO GIVES A SHIT?
I'M NOT A NINE‐YEAR‐OLD WAITING
TO TESTIFY IN FAMILY COURT.
WHY DO I CARE ABOUT THE
GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS?"
BUT THE THING IS, IT'S NOT JUST
COMPANIES ‐‐ THEY ALSO WORK WITH
AUTHORITARIAN GOVERNMENTS, AND
BERDIMUHAMEDOV ISN'T THE ONLY
ONE.
GUINNESS WORLD RECORDS HAS ALSO
SENT ADJUDICATORS TO
SAUDI ARABIA TO CERTIFY RECORDS
LIKE THEIR "WORLD'S LARGEST
FLAGPOLE" AND HAS REPEATEDLY
WORKED WITH THE DUBAI POLICE
FORCE HELPING THEM BREAK 11
RECORDS, AMONG THEM, "MOST
CONSECUTIVE FORMATIONS FORMED BY
UNMANNED AERIAL VEHICLES."
AND IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHAT
THAT EVEN MEANS, HERE'S WHAT IT
LOOKED LIKE.
♪ ♪
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.
FIRST, I'D ARGUE HE COULD BE
SLIGHTLY MORE IMPRESSED BY THAT
DRONE CONSTELLATION OF HIS FACE.
ALTHOUGH I WILL SAY THIS,
THAT MIGHT ACTUALLY BE THE
SINGLE MOST ETHICALLY DEFENSIBLE
USE OF DRONES IN THE
MIDDLE EAST.
THE WHOLE POINT WE'RE MAKING
HERE IS, AUTHORITARIANS LOVE
GETTING GUINNESS WORLD RECORDS.
AND YOU CAN SEE WHY ‐‐ THEY
REINFORCE A CULT OF PERSONALITY
AND CONFER A SENSE OF LEGITIMACY
ON A GLOBAL STAGE, WHICH BRINGS
US BACK TO GURBANGULY
BERDIMUHAMEDOV, BECAUSE HE
ABSOLUTELY LOVES THEM.
SO IF YOU WANTED TO HURT HIM,
THEY'D ACTUALLY BE HIS WEAK
POINT.
THE ONLY QUESTION IS, IF YOU
WANTED TO EMBARRASS THIS
PARTICULAR HUMAN‐RIGHTS‐ABUSING
HORSE‐FUCKER, WHAT RECORD WOULD
HURT HIM THE MOST?
I MEAN, IT'D HAVE TO INVOLVE
SOME OF HIS FAVORITE THINGS,
LIKE HORSES AND WHITE MARBLE,
AND ALSO INCLUDE A HUMILIATING
MOMENT.
SO HYPOTHETICALLY, IF YOU COULD
MAKE THE WORLD'S LARGEST MARBLE
CAKE FEATURING THE IMAGE OF HIM
FALLING OFF A HORSE, THAT WOULD
CHECK ALL OF THE BOXES, RIGHT?
OF COURSE, IT WOULDN'T BE EASY.
THE CURRENT RECORD FOR LARGEST
MARBLE CAKE IS AROUND 160 SQUARE
FEET, SET BY BETTY CROCKER IN
WHERE ELSE BUT SAUDI ARABIA.
ALSO, YOU'D IDEALLY WANT AN
OFFICIAL ADJUDICATOR TO COME AND
CERTIFY THE CAKE IMMEDIATELY.
AND UNFORTUNATELY, HERE'S WHERE
I DO HAVE SOME BAD NEWS, BECAUSE
WE ACTUALLY PLANNED TO BAKE A
600‐SQUARE‐FOOT CAKE THAT WOULD
MAKE BETTY CROCKER'S LOOK LIKE A
FUCKING MOUSE TWINKIE, BUT WHEN
WE REACHED OUT TO GUINNESS
WORLD RECORDS AND WE ASKED THEM
TO SEND SOMEONE, THEY DECLINED,
SAYING, AND I QUOTE,
"UNFORTUNATELY, BECAUSE OUR
BRAND IS ALIGNED WITH KIDS AND
FAMILIES, THIS RECORD ATTEMPT IS
NOT ONE THAT WE WILL BE ABLE TO
PROVIDE AN ADJUDICATOR FOR."
WHICH IS ‐‐ YEAH, IT'S A REAL
SHAME.
I GUESS WE JUST DON'T RUN A
BRUTAL ENOUGH DICTATORSHIP TO
MEET GUINNESS WORLD RECORDS'
HIGH ETHICAL STANDARDS.
ALTHOUGH THEY DID SAY THAT IF WE
FULLY DOCUMENTED MAKING THE
CAKE, THEY MIGHT CERTIFY US
AFTER THE FACT.
UNFORTUNATELY, THEY WANTED US TO
SIGN AN AGREEMENT THAT COULD'VE
PREVENTED US FROM CRITICIZING
THEM IN THIS STORY, SO WE DIDN'T
‐‐ BUT THEN IT HIT US, WE DON'T
NEED GUINNESS WORLD RECORDS TO
MAKE A WORLD RECORD SIZED CAKE.
AND IF WE DID,
NOT ONLY WOULD IT ANNOY AN
AUTHORITARIAN LEADER, IT WOULD
ALSO REALLY IRRITATE THE
GUINNESS BOOK OF
WORLD RECORDS.
SO DID WE BAKE IT?
I GUESS I REALLY ONLY HAVE TWO
QUESTIONS FOR YOU AT THIS POINT:
ONE, ARE YOU READY TO MAKE
HISTORY?
AND TWO, WHO WANTS SOME FUCKING
CAKE?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
BECAUSE BEHOLD THIS MONSTROUS
FOLLY!
I TOLD YOU THINGS WERE GOING TO
GET WEIRD TONIGHT, DIDN'T I?
ADMIT IT, WHEN I SAID EARLIER
OUR MAIN STORY CONCERNED
TURKMENISTAN, YOU DID NOT EXPECT
THE SHOW TO END 20 MINUTES LATER
WITH ME STANDING NEXT TO THE
WORLD'S LARGEST MARBLE CAKE
DEPICTING A GUY FALLING OFF A
HORSE.
YET HERE WE ARE.
I HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS:
EVERYONE IN THIS AUDIENCE IS
GOING TO GET SOME CAKE TO TAKE
HOME TONIGHT, AND THE REST OF
THIS MAGNIFICENT FROSTED BEAST
WILL BE DONATED TO CITY HARVEST.
WE DID IT, GUYS!
WE DID IT.
WE DID IT!
CLAP FOR ME, CYCLISTS!
CLAP FOR ME NOW!
THAT'S OUR SHOW, THANK YOU SO
MUCH FOR WATCHING, SEE YOU NEXT
WEEK, GOOD NIGHT!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪
WE DID IT!