♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> John: WELCOME, WELCOME,
WELCOME TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT!"
I'M JOHN OLIVER.
THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR JOINING US.
JUST TIME FOR QUICK RECAP
OF THE WEEK.
WHICH WAS A BUSY ONE, FROM
JOHN BOLTON BEING FIRED AS
NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER, TO
MIKE PENCE TELLING PEOPLE HE WAS
BITTEN SO HARD BY THE HORSE
AMERICAN PHAROAH THAT HE NEARLY
COLLAPSED ‐‐ TO WHICH I SAY,
GOOD HORSE ‐‐ TO THE LATEST
DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE DEBATE,
WHERE JOE BIDEN, IN RESPONDING
TO A QUESTION ABOUT THE LEGACY
OF AMERICAN SLAVERY, SAID THIS:
>> WE BRING SOCIAL WORKERS INTO
HOMES WITH PARENTS TO HELP THEM
DEAL WITH HOW TO RAISE THEIR
CHILDREN.
IT'S NOT THEY DON'T WANT TO
HELP.
THEY DON'T KNOW QUITE WHAT TO
DO.
PLAY THE RADIO.
MAKE SURE THAT THE TELEVISION ‐‐
EXCUSE ME, MAKE SURE YOU HAVE
THE RECORD PLAYER ON AT NIGHT.
THE PHONE ‐‐ MAKE SURE THAT
KIDS HEAR WORDS.
>> John: OH, SHIT!
THAT IS JOE BIDEN SAYING
"TELEVISION," THEN
REPLACING IT WITH "RECORD
PLAYER," AND THEN, JUST BARELY
STOPPING HIMSELF FROM SAYING
"PHONOGRAPH."
AND LET'S ALL REMEMBER THAT
FUNNY MOMENT WHEN BIDEN
INEVITABLY SENDS A CONCESSION
TELEGRAM TO TRUMP NEXT
NOVEMBER.
BUT INSTEAD OF FOCUSING ON THAT,
LET'S INSTEAD MOVE ONTO RUSSIA,
VOTED HOME OF THE WORLD'S
SEXIEST PRESIDENT BY
BY "PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY,
JUST DO WHATEVER HE SAYS
MAGAZINE."
THERE WERE CITY COUNCIL
ELECTIONS IN MOSCOW LAST
WEEKEND, AND THE RUN‐UP TO THEM
HAD BEEN TENSE.
BECAUSE PUTIN'S "UNITED RUSSIA"
PARTY HAS BEEN DECLINING IN
POPULARITY, AND BY SHEER
COINCIDENCE, THE CENTRAL
ELECTION COMMISSION DECIDED TO
BAN MANY OPPOSITION CANDIDATES
FROM RUNNING, SETTING OFF
A SUMMER OF PROTESTS IN MOSCOW,
WITH THOUSANDS OF ATTENDEES AND
MASS ARRESTS.
NOW FOR HIS PART, PUTIN TRIED TO
DISPEL CONCERNS OVER THE
SUSPICIOUS LACK OF CANDIDATES,
ARGUING IT WAS ACTUALLY A GOOD
THING.
>> IN SOME COUNTRIES THERE ARE
30, 50, EVEN A HUNDRED
CANDIDATES.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN TO SAY THEY DO
BETTER WORK.
IT'S QUALITY, NOT QUANTITY THAT
COUNTS.
>> John: I MEAN, LOOK AT
NETFLIX.
YOU HAVE CHOICES, BUT WHERE IS
QUALITY CONTROL?
WHAT IS "FRONTIER"?
WHAT IS "THE ORDER"?
WHAT IS "MALIBU RESCUE"?
WHAT IS "WORKIN' MOMS"?
WHAT IS "BACK WITH EX?"
HOW DOES THIS BUSINESS MODEL
WORK?
SOMEBODY EXPLAIN IT TO ME.
BUT TO COMBAT PUTIN'S THUMB ON
THE SCALE, OPPOSITION LEADERS
LIKE ALEXEY NAVALNY ENCOURAGED
SUPPORTERS TO VOTE TACTICALLY,
BASICALLY SUPPORTING ANY
CANDIDATE THAT COULD BEAT
A PRO‐KREMLIN ONE.
AND IT SEEMS TO HAVE WORKED,
WITH THE RULING PARTY LOSING A
THIRD OF ITS SEATS IN MOSCOW'S
CITY COUNCIL, NAVALNY AND HIS
ASSOCIATES HAVE SINCE BEEN
THE TARGET OF GOVERNMENT RAIDS,
AND HE HAS SOME PRETTY GOOD
IDEAS AS TO
WHY THAT MIGHT'VE HAPPENED.
>> THIS TIME, PUTIN GOT REALLY
UPSET BECAUSE OF THE TACTICAL
VOTE AND THAT HIS SWEET CHILD,
THE UNITED RUSSIA PARTY, HAS
BEEN BUSTED IN MOSCOW, AND
SERIOUSLY BEATEN IN THE REGIONS.
YES, HE IS UPSET AND HE IS
STOMPING HIS LITTLE FEET.
>> John: WOW.
"STOMPING HIS LITTLE FEET".
NOT ONLY IS THAT COMMENT BRAVE,
IT ALSO MADE ME GENUINELY
CURIOUS: DOES PUTIN HAVE LITTLE
FEET?
SO I DID WHAT ANY NORMAL,
REASONABLE PERSON WOULD DO, AND
I LOOKED UP PUTIN ON WIKIFEET.
AND THE RESULTS ARE IN, AND I
WILL SAY: LOOK AT THIS GUY'S
TINY LITTLE FEET!
YOU JUST WANNA GOOCH 'EM!
THIS LITTLE PIGGY WENT TO
MARKET, THIS LITTLE PIGGY STAYED
AT HOME.
THIS LITTLE PIGGY HAD BORSCHT,
THIS LITTLE PIGGY HAD NONE.
AND THIS LITTLE PIGGY WENT
"WEE, WEE, WEE," ALL THE WAY TO
A PRISON CAMP IN SIBERIA.
WHAT DID THAT LITTLE PIGGY DO?
WE'LL NEVER KNOW.
SHOCKED UP ABOUT THE LITTLE
PIGGY.
SO WITH ELECTIONS RIGGED AND
DISSENT SUPPRESSED, SOME
RUSSIANS HAVE FOUND THEMSELVES
COMING UP WITH CREATIVE WAYS TO
EXPRESS THEIR FRUSTRATION.
AND PERHAPS THE MOST
ENTERTAINING ONE CONCERNED A
RAPPER NAMED TIMATI.
ON THE OFF‐CHANCE YOU'RE NOT ONE
OF HIS 14 MILLION INSTAGRAM
FOLLOWERS, LET ME GIVE YOU A
TASTE OF WHAT HE'S LIKE.
AT FIRST, HE SEEMS SORT OF FUN
AND HARMLESS ‐‐ DRESSING LIKE A
SKI PATROLMAN WHOSE FIRST AID
KIT IS FULL OF ROHYPNOL, AND
POSTING VIDEOS LIKE THIS:
>> ♪ EVERYBODY WANNA BE
LIKE ME ♪
♪ EVERYBODY WANNA BE LIKE ME ♪
♪ BUST DOWN, BIG CHAINS AND
DRESS FANCY ♪
>> John: I MEAN, THAT'S FINE,
BUT HONESTLY, I'M NOT SURE
"EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE LIKE
YOU."
BECAUSE IF THEY'RE AT ALL LIKE
ME, EVERYBODY WOULD LIKE MORE
THAN ZERO LAYERS OF PROTECTION
BETWEEN THEIR GENITALS AND HIGH
SPEED WATER.
TIMATI ALSO REALLY LIKES THESE
COLLECTIBLE BEARS.
SERIOUSLY.
HE REALLY, REALLY, REALLY,
REALLY, REALLY LIKES THESE
COLLECTIBLE BEARS.
HE LOVES THEM.
THIS IS HIS HOME.
THOSE BEARS WATCH HIM SLEEP.
AND HE THEM.
AND SURE, THIS SEEMS LIKE A
HARMLESS OBSESSION FOR A YOUNG
BOY OF 12‐GOING‐ON‐36.
UNTIL YOU REALIZE THAT SOME OF
THEM, LIKE THIS COCO CHANEL
BEAR, APPARENTLY CAN RUN UPWARDS
OF $28,000 AT AUCTION.
WHICH IS RIDICULOUS.
IT SEEMS LIKE TIMATI HAS EVERY
BEAR EVER MADE.
EXCEPT I KNOW FOR A FACT HE
DOESN'T, BECAUSE, BEHOLD:
THE RAREST BEAR OF ALL!
WHAT DO YOU THINK, TIMATI?
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
EVERYBODY WANNA BE LIKE ME!
BUT BEFORE YOU FIND YOURSELF
BECOMING A FAN OF TIMATI, YOU
SHOULD KNOW, HE HANGS OUT WITH
FRIENDS LIKE CHECHEN
DICTATOR/FAILED CAT OWNER
RAMZAN KADYROV, AND HIS BEST
FRIEND IS PRESIDENT PUTIN, AS
YOU CAN TELL FROM ONE OF
HIS OWN SONGS, "MY BEST FRIEND
IS PRESIDENT PUTIN."
♪ ♪
>> John: WE GET IT.
I'VE GOTTA SAY ‐‐ IT'S
GENUINELY JARRING TO HEAR A RAP
SONG THAT'S SO PRO‐AUTHORITY.
IT'S LIKE IF N. W. A.'S BIGGEST
HIT SONG HAD BEEN CALLED
"HIP HIP HOORAY FOR THE POLICE."
SO, YOU MIGHT JUSTIFIABLY ASK:
WHAT THE FUCK HAS TIMATI GOT TO
DO WITH MOSCOW'S LOCAL
ELECTIONS?
WELL, JUST BEFORE THEY TOOK
PLACE, HE AND FELLOW RAPPER
GUF ‐‐ REAL NAME ‐‐ PUT OUT
A VIDEO CALLED "MOSCOW."
IT WAS A CLASSIC TIMATI‐GUF
COLLAB IF I EVER HEARD ONE, AND
I DEFINITELY HAVEN'T.
THE SONG FEATURED LYRICS LIKE
MOSCOW IS "THE CITY THAT DOESN'T
HOLD GAY PARADES" AND
"I DON'T GO TO PROTESTS AND TALK
BULLSHIT."
AND COMING IN THE MIDST OF A
FRAUGHT ELECTION, PEOPLE
UNDERSTANDABLY DID NOT REACT
WELL TO THAT.
IN FACT, "MOSCOW" ACTUALLY
BECAME THE MOST DOWN‐VOTED VIDEO
ON RUSSIAN YOUTUBE.
THE BACKLASH GOT SO BAD, TIMATI
POSTED, "I AM DELETING THIS
VIDEO TO STOP THIS WAVE OF
NEGATIVITY," WHICH, IF WE'VE
LEARNED ANYTHING FROM THE
INTERNET, ALWAYS WORKS.
AS FOR GUF, HE CLAIMED HE'D BEEN
TRICKED INTO PARTICIPATING IN A
POLITICAL VIDEO, PUTTING OUT
THIS INSTAGRAM STATEMENT:
>> I SWEAR I HAD NO IDEA THAT WE
HAD MAYORAL ELECTIONS THE DAY
BEFORE YESTERDAY.
I WAS TOLD THAT WE NEED TO
WISH THE CITY A HAPPY BIRTHDAY
BECAUSE WE ARE MUSCOVITES, AND
IT WOULD BE NICE.
I FELL FOR THAT BULLSHIT.
>> John: YEAH, SORRY, GUF.
YOU DONE GOOFED ON THIS ONE.
ALTHOUGH, IN GUF'S DEFENSE, IT
WAS MOSCOW'S 872ND BIRTHDAY LAST
WEEK, WHICH IS TRADITIONALLY THE
"MAKE A HOMOPHOBIC JOCK JAM FOR
THE GOVERNMENT" ANNIVERSARY.
THE POINT HERE IS, RUSSIANS ARE
UNDERSTANDABLY FRUSTRATED WITH
THEIR GOVERNMENT, AND THEY'RE
TAKING THAT FRUSTRATION OUT
WHEREVER THEY CAN ‐‐ EVEN ON
A MEDICAL‐GRADE FUCKBOY WITH AN
SADLY INCOMPLETE TOY‐BEAR
COLLECTION.
AND WHILE I DOUBT THE OPPOSITION
IS GOING TO TOPPLE PUTIN ANYTIME
SOON, IT IS ENCOURAGING TO SEE
THEM ABLE TO KEEP HIM ON HIS
TINY LITTLE TOES.
AND NOW THIS.
♪ ♪
>> AND NOW, MARIA BARTIROMO'S
GUESTS WILL NEVER LET HER FORGET
WHAT SEPTEMBER 11TH REALLY
MEANS.
>> IT HELPS TO REMEMBER WHERE WE
WERE, WHAT WE FELT, WHO WE
TALKED TO ON SEPTEMBER 11TH,
2001 AND ALSO HOW WE FELT ON
SEPTEMBER 12TH, 2001, 17 YEARS
LATER.
>> YOU ARE SURE RIGHT.
>> THREE WORDS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY,
MARIA.
>> OH, MITCH, THANK YOU FOR
THAT.
>> YEAH, HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
>> I WOULD BE REMISS IF TODAY I
DID NOT REMEMBER THE FALLEN
HEROES OF 9/11 AND ALSO,
TOGETHER WITH ALL OF THE MASSIVE
LEGION OF FANS ACROSS THIS
COUNTRY, IF WE DO NOT WISH
MARIA BARTIROMO A HAPPY
BIRTHDAY.
>> SAY A PRAYER FOR ALL WHO WERE
LOST, THANK A COP AND A FIREMAN,
AND TO YOU, MARIA,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
>> LET'S NOT DO THAT NOW ‐‐
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THANK YOU.
I HAVE THE WORST BIRTHDAY EVER.
MY HUSBAND CALLS IT THE
INTERNATIONAL DAY OF SADNESS ALL
THE TIME.
BUT I APPRECIATE YOU THINKING OF
ME ON THIS ‐‐
IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY FIRST.
>> John: MOVING ON.
OUR MAIN STORY TONIGHT CONCERNS
IMMIGRATION.
IT'S THE SYSTEM THAT BROUGHT YOU
ALBERT EINSTEIN, YO‐YO MA, AND
ME.
AND YES, OBVIOUSLY: FUCK, MARRY,
AND KILL, RESPECTIVELY.
IMMIGRATION IS THE SUBJECT THAT
TRUMP CAMPAIGNED ON THE HARDEST,
AND AS PRESIDENT, HIS TONE
HASN'T EXACTLY SOFTENED.
>> I TOLD MY PEOPLE YESTERDAY,
OUR COUNTRY IS FULL.
WE'RE FULL, OUR SYSTEM IS FULL,
OUR COUNTRY IS FULL.
CAN'T COME IN.
OUR COUNTRY IS FULL.
WHAT CAN YOU DO?
WE CAN'T HANDLE ANY MORE.
OUR COUNTRY IS FULL.
CAN'T COME IN.
I'M SORRY.
>> John: HE'S RIGHT.
OUR COUNTRY IS TOTALLY FULL.
I MEAN, JUST LOOK AT IT.
THE THING IS ABSOLUTELY PACKED.
THERE'S SIMPLY NO ROOM HERE.
I MEAN, MAYBE IF ONE OF THESE
GUYS DIES OR SOMETHING, BUT
UNTIL THEN, THERE'S JUST NOTHING
WE CAN DO.
BUT IT'S OBVIOUSLY NOT THAT
SIMPLE.
AND IN TRUMP'S MORE REFLECTIVE
MOMENTS, SEEN HERE, HE ACTUALLY
CLAIMS THERE'S ONE KIND OF
IMMIGRATION THAT HE WANTS:
LEGAL IMMIGRATION.
IT'S THE THING THAT HE AND HIS
POLITICAL ALLIES WILL TELL YOU
THEY LOVE.
>> I WANT LEGAL IMMIGRATION.
I WANT GREAT PEOPLE TO COME IN.
I WANT LEGAL IMMIGRATION!
>> I BELIEVE LEGAL IMMIGRATION
IS GOOD FOR OUR COUNTRY.
I BELIEVE ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION
ISN'T.
>> MY VIEWS ON IMMIGRATION ARE
SIMPLE AND I'VE SUMMED THEM UP
MANY TIMES IN JUST FOUR WORDS:
LEGAL, GOOD, ILLEGAL, BAD.
>> John: I DO NOT LIKE THAT MAN
TED CRUZ.
I DO NOT LIKE HIM IN THE NEWS.
I DO NOT LIKE WHAT HE JUST SAID,
I DO NOT LIKE HIS BOXY HEAD.
I DO NOT LIKE HIM WEARING
GLASSES, I DO NOT LIKE HIM
KISSING ASSES.
I WISH HE'D NEVER GET ONE VOTE.
THAT MAN TED CRUZ CAN LICK MY
SCROTE.
HERE'S THE THING,
BUT IF WE TAKE ALL OF THEM AT
THEIR WORD, WE ACTUALLY AGREE:
LEGAL IMMIGRATION IS GOOD.
THAT'S A POPULAR OPINION, BOTH
AMONG THOSE WHO SEE IMMIGRATION
AS FOUNDATIONAL TO AMERICA, AND
AMONG ECONOMISTS, WHO LARGELY
AGREE THAT IT INCREASES ECONOMIC
GROWTH.
ABOUT 13% OF THE PEOPLE IN THIS
COUNTRY ARE IMMIGRANTS,
THREE‐QUARTERS OF WHOM ARE HERE
LEGALLY.
SO THIS SYSTEM AFFECTS A LOT OF
PEOPLE.
AND WITH ALL THE TALK ABOUT
"ILLEGAL" IMMIGRATION, THE FLAWS
IN THE LEGAL PATHWAY ‐‐ WHICH
ARGUABLY HELP FUEL ILLEGAL
IMMIGRATION ‐‐ OFTEN GET
IGNORED.
SO TONIGHT, LET'S TALK ABOUT OUR
LEGAL IMMIGRATION SYSTEM.
BECAUSE THERE ARE A LOT OF
MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT A PROCESS
THAT, TO BE FAIR, MOST AMERICANS
HAVE NEVER EXPERIENCED.
AND A KEY MISCONCEPTION IS
CAPTURED IN A PHRASE YOU HEAR
ALL THE TIME, BOTH FROM
POLITICIANS AND FROM ORDINARY
VOTERS.
>> WE WANT TO LET PEOPLE IN
LEGALLY.
GET IN LINE AND WE WANT TO LET
PEOPLE IN LEGALLY.
>> THEY HAVE TO DO IT THE RIGHT
WAY.
THEY HAVE TO GET IN LINE.
>> COME LEGALLY AND WAIT IN
LINE LIKE ALL OF THEM.
>> THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE
FROM ALL AROUND THE WORLD THAT
ARE IN LINE AND WAITING TO COME
IN HERE, AND I DON'T THINK THAT
THEY SHOULD BE ABLE TO COME IN
AHEAD OF ALL THESE PEOPLE THAT
HAVE BEEN REALLY STRUGGLING TO
GET HERE.
>> John: RIGHT, "GET IN LINE".
AND LOOK, THAT'S AN APPEALING
PHRASE, BUT IT'S SIGNIFICANTLY
MORE COMPLICATED THAN
THAT, AS YOU COULD PROBABLY TELL
FROM THAT WOMAN'S REACTION, I'M
GUESSING THE CLOSED CAPTIONING
FOR WHICH IS PROBABLY,
"WOMAN THINKING, 'THE FUCK?'"
BECAUSE THE TRUTH IS, FOR THOSE
WHO WANT TO COME HERE, THERE IS
NO ONE LINE TO GET IN, THE LINES
THAT DO EXIST CAN BE
PROHIBITIVELY LONG OR HAVE
SUDDEN DEAD ENDS, AND FOR MANY
PEOPLE ‐‐ AND THIS IS REALLY
IMPORTANT ‐‐ THERE SIMPLY ISN'T
A LINE AT ALL.
AND IF YOU'RE THINKING, "WELL,
MY ANCESTORS WAITED ON LINE" ‐‐
NOT NECESSARILY.
FOR AMERICA'S FIRST HUNDRED
YEARS, THERE WERE NO FEDERAL
IMMIGRATION LAWS, SO COMING HERE
THE "RIGHT WAY" BASICALLY JUST
MEANT NOT AND SLIPPING AS YOU
WALKED DOWN THE GANGWAY.
NOW, SINCE THEN, OUR IMMIGRATION
SYSTEM HAS EVOLVED INTO ONE WITH
COMPLICATED AND CONVOLUTED
RESTRICTIONS.
TAKE COUNTRY CAPS.
WHEN IT COMES TO MOST TYPES OF
GREEN CARD ‐‐ WHICH ALLOW YOU TO
BE A LAWFUL, PERMANENT
RESIDENT ‐‐ NO MORE THAN 7% OF
IMMIGRANTS ACCEPTED EACH YEAR
CAN COME FROM ANY ONE COUNTRY.
WHAT THAT MEANS IS THAT BIG
COUNTRIES, WITH A LOT OF
WOULD‐BE IMMIGRANTS, LIKE
CHINA, INDIA, AND MEXICO, ARE
SUBJECT TO THE SAME NUMERICAL
CAPS AS TINY ONES LIKE MALTA,
WHICH IS SO TINY, THAT'S ACTUAL
SIZE.
IN FACT, THAT'S ACTUALLY MALTA.
WE BORROWED IT, AND PUT IT IN
THIS BOX TO SHOW YOU HOW SMALL
MALTA IS.
AND IT'S NOT JUST NUMERICAL
CAPS.
THE WHOLE SYSTEM HAS A LOT OF
RESTRICTIONS ON WHO EXACTLY
CAN COME HERE.
IN FACT, THE BEST WAY TO
UNDERSTAND IT IS THAT THERE ARE
JUST FOUR PATHS TO PERMANENT
RESIDENCY OR CITIZENSHIP:
FAMILY ‐‐ YOU'RE RELATED TO
SOMEONE WHO'S ALREADY HERE;
EMPLOYMENT ‐‐ MEANING YOU WERE
OFFERED A JOB HERE; GOOD LUCK ‐‐
YOU WON THE VISA LOTTERY, WHICH
I'LL EXPLAIN LATER; OR BAD LUCK
‐‐ YOU'RE A REFUGEE OR SEEKING
ASYLUM.
AND THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE GOING
THROUGH EACH PATH IS BY NO MEANS
EQUAL.
PROPORTIONALLY, THEY SHOULD LOOK
A LOT MORE LIKE THIS.
SO LET'S START WITH THE WAY MOST
IMMIGRANTS COME HERE:
FAMILY SPONSORSHIP.
ABOUT TWO‐THIRDS OF GREEN CARD
HOLDERS COME THROUGH
THE FAMILY‐BASED SYSTEM,
WHICH MAKES SENSE.
FAMILIES PROVIDE SUPPORT, AND
SOME, I'M TOLD, LIKE EACH OTHER.
BUT TO TRUMP, FAMILY‐BASED
MIGRATION IS A SCOURGE, AS YOU
CAN TELL FROM HOW HE REFERS TO
IT.
>> CHAIN MIGRATION IS NOT A GOOD
THING.
CHAIN MIGRATION IS BAD.
>> WE HAVE TO END CHAIN
MIGRATION.
>> THEN YOU HAVE CHAIN
MIGRATION.
CHAIN MIGRATION.
A GUY COMES IN ‐‐ STONE‐COLD
KILLER, IN MANY CASES.
A GUY COMES IN, AND THEN YOU
HAVE TO BRING HIS AUNT,
HIS UNCLE, HIS FATHER, HIS
GRANDFATHER, HIS GRANDPARENTS.
HIS THIRD NIECE BY A
DIFFERENT MARRIAGE...
>> John: THAT IS SO WRONG IN SO
MANY WAYS, IT WOULD HONESTLY BE
HARD FOR A FACT‐CHECKER
TO ASSESS IT.
THAT COULDN'T EVEN BE DESCRIBED
BY "THE WASHINGTON POST"'S
"BOTTOMLESS PINOCCHIO."
WHICH IS AN ACTUAL THING THEY DO
NOW, AND WHICH, FOR THE RECORD,
SOUNDS LIKE AN ALL‐NUDE STRIP
CLUB FOR WOODEN PUPPETS.
BECAUSE BRINGING FAMILY MEMBERS
OVER IS NOT NEARLY AS EASY AS
TRUMP MAKES IT SOUND.
FOR A START, YOU CAN ONLY
SPONSOR "CLOSE" RELATIVES ‐‐ AT
MOST, THAT'S A SPOUSE, CHILD,
SIBLING, OR PARENT.
NO AUNT, NO UNCLE, NO
GRANDPARENTS, NO THIRD NIECE BY
A DIFFERENT MARRIAGE.
AND ANYONE WHO COMES IN HAS TO
PASS RIGOROUS BACKGROUND CHECKS,
WHICH TENDS TO WEED OUT ANY
"STONE‐COLD KILLERS."
AND THAT CHAIN, AS YOU
DEFINITELY SHOULD NOT PUT IT,
CAN MOVE VERY SLOWLY.
BECAUSE THOSE COUNTRY CAPS
THAT I MENTIONED APPLY TO MANY
CATEGORIES OF FAMILY‐BASED
IMMIGRATION.
SO IF YOU'RE TRYING TO BRING
YOUR SIBLING OVER FROM CHINA,
THE GOVERNMENT IS CURRENTLY
PROCESSING APPLICATIONS FROM
2006.
IF THEY'RE IN INDIA, 2004.
FROM MEXICO?
JANUARY OF 1997.
THAT'S 22 YEARS AGO!
AND WHO KNOWS WHAT THEY'LL BE
DOING 22 YEARS IN ADVANCE.
ASIDE, OF COURSE, FROM
PAT SAJAK.
BECAUSE I GUARANTEE HE'LL STILL
BE STANDING BY A WHEEL, SELLING
VOWELS HE DOESN'T OWN, UNTIL
THE FUCKING SUN DIES.
AND YET, THE FAMILY‐SPONSORSHIP
SYSTEM IS STILL SEEMINGLY TOO
PERMISSIVE FOR TRUMP, WHO WANTS
TO LIMIT IT TO JUST SPOUSES AND
CHILDREN, MEANING YOU COULD NO
LONGER SPONSOR, FOR INSTANCE,
YOUR PARENTS TO IMMIGRATE HERE.
ALTHOUGH INTERESTINGLY, HE SEEMS
FINE WITH ONE HIGH‐PROFILE
EXCEPTION.
>> PRESIDENT TRUMP'S IN‐LAWS
SLIPPING IN AND OUT OF AN
MANHATTAN FEDERAL BUILDING WHERE
THEY TOOK THE OATH OF U. S.
CITIZENSHIP.
SOURCES TELL ABC NEWS THAT
FIRST LADY MELANIA TRUMP
SPONSORED HER SLOVENIAN‐BORN
PARENTS, VIKTOR AND AMALIJA
KNAVS.
>> John: CHAIN MIGRATION!
LOOK, LOOK, THAT IS OBVIOUSLY
HYPOCRITICAL ‐‐ THAT'S OBVIOUS
‐‐ AND I KNOW IT'S NOT IMPORTANT
HERE, BUT I SHOULD POINT OUT:
MELANIA'S MOM IS 74, MAKING
TRUMP EXACTLY ONE YEAR YOUNGER
THAN HIS MOTHER‐IN‐LAW.
AND WHILE THERE ARE PLENTY OF
SPOUSES OUT THERE WHO PROBABLY
SHOULD BE CLOSER TO THEIR
IN‐LAWS, THAT IS SIMPLY
NOT THE WAY TO DO IT!
SO THAT IS THE FAMILY‐BASED PATH
‐‐ WHICH, OF COURSE, ONLY WORKS
IF YOU HAVE A CLOSE RELATIVE IN
AMERICA, AND IT FRANKLY DOESN'T
HURT IF SHE HAPPENS TO BE IN
A LOVELESS MARRIAGE WITH THE
PRESIDENT.
NOW, IF THAT IS NOT AN OPTION
FOR YOU, YOU MIGHT TRY THE
EMPLOYMENT‐BASED PATH.
THE WAY THAT PATHWAY USUALLY
BEGINS IS, AN EMPLOYER IN
AMERICA SPONSORS YOU, AND YOU
COME HERE ON A TEMPORARY WORK
VISA.
BUT IT IS TEMPORARY.
YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO RENEW IT IF
YOUR EMPLOYER LIKES YOU, BUT
THERE CAN BE LIMITS ON HOW MANY
TIMES YOU CAN DO THAT.
AND EVEN GETTING A WORK VISA IN
THE FIRST PLACE CAN BE VERY
DIFFICULT.
YOU HAVE TO FIT WITHIN NARROW
CATEGORIES.
THERE IS R‐1 FOR RELIGIOUS
WORKERS.
P‐1‐A, THAT'S FOR ATHLETES.
H‐2‐A, THAT'S FOR FARM WORKERS.
C‐3‐P‐O FOR EFFETE BRITISH
ROBOTS, AND R‐2‐D‐2 FOR THEIR
COMMON LAW HUSBANDS.
IT'S A COMPLEX SYSTEM!
I, MYSELF, CAME OVER ON AN
O‐1 VISA, WHICH IS FOR
PERSONS WITH EXTRAORDINARY
ABILITY IN THE ARTS, AND I KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE THINKING, AND
I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE REALLY
THINKING DEEP DOWN,
AND FUCK YOU.
CERTAIN WORK VISAS ARE SO HARD
TO GET, HIGHLY SKILLED PEOPLE
GET TURNED AWAY.
TAKE KUNAL BAHL, THE FOUNDER OF
A VERY SUCCESSFUL INDIAN COMPANY
CALLED "SNAPDEAL."
HE WENT TO COLLEGE IN THE U. S.,
AND JUST WATCH AS HE'S
INTERVIEWED ONSTAGE AT A
CONFERENCE IN INDIA, ABOUT WHY
HE ENDED UP CREATING A COMPANY
THERE, RATHER THAN STAYING HERE.
>> I GOT A JOB AT MICROSOFT AND
I WAS QUITE HAPPY, YOU KNOW, THE
INDIAN TECH GUY WANTING TO WORK
AT MICROSOFT AND THEY APPLIED
FOR MY VISA, WHICH GOT REJECTED.
NOW YOU'RE STUCK AND YOU'RE
GETTING DEPORTED BACK TO YOUR
COUNTRY, WHAT DO YOU DO?
>> YOU DECIDED TO COME BACK AND
START A COMPANY HERE.
THANK GOD.
>> John: OKAY, I'M GLAD THAT
STORY WORKED OUT WELL FOR INDIA.
BUT IT'S FRANKLY NOT A GREAT
RESULT FOR AMERICA, WHO HELPED
EDUCATE HIM, AND THEN, FOR SOME
REASON, FORCED HIM TO GO
INNOVATE SOMEWHERE ELSE INSTEAD.
HONESTLY, I RESPECT KUNAL BAHL
FOR NOT GOING FULL
"PRETTY WOMAN" ON A U. S.
IMMIGRATION OFFICE.
"BIG MISTAKE.
HUGE."
AND IT'S WORTH NOTING: JUST
GETTING A WORK VISA DOES NOT
MEAN YOU'RE GOING TO END UP
STAYING HERE.
BECAUSE CONVERTING IT INTO A
GREEN CARD CAN BE DIFFICULT TO
PRACTICALLY IMPOSSIBLE,
DEPENDING ON YOUR SKILL LEVEL
AND WHERE YOU'RE FROM.
YOU NEED YOUR EMPLOYER TO CHOOSE
TO SPONSOR YOU AGAIN, AND THERE
AREN'T MANY GREEN CARDS TO GO
AROUND; ONLY AROUND 140,000
OF THEM ARE GRANTED EVERY YEAR.
BASICALLY, THINK OF GETTING
A WORK VISA AS GETTING A BACK
STAGE PASS TO SEE BTS.
SURE, IT'LL ALLOW YOU TO HANG
AROUND FOR A BIT, BUT YOU'RE
PROBABLY NOT GOING TO END UP
BECOMING PART OF THE BAND.
AND LOOK, I CAN TELL YOU FROM
EXPERIENCE: LIVING ON A VISA CAN
BE VERY STRESSFUL, AND INVOLVES
HAVING TO JUMP THROUGH ENDLESS,
COSTLY HOOPS.
I USED TO HAVE TO FILE FOR
EXTENSIONS TO
MY VISA EVERY YEAR, HOPING
THEY'D BE GRANTED, AND HAD TO
LEAVE THE COUNTRY EVERY 11
MONTHS TO GO TO THE AMERICAN
EMBASSY IN LONDON TO GET A
PHYSICAL STAMP IN MY PASSPORT
ALLOWING ME TO TRAVEL.
AND I WAS CONSTANTLY, CONSTANTLY
WORRIED I WOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO
COME BACK.
HERE'S THE THING: EVEN WHEN
YOU'RE APPROVED FOR A GREEN
CARD, THERE MIGHT NOT BE ONE
AVAILABLE FOR YOU.
BECAUSE THOSE COUNTRY CAPS ALSO
APPLY TO EMPLOYMENT‐BASED
IMMIGRATION.
SO IF YOU COME FROM, SAY, INDIA,
YOUR ESTIMATED WAIT TIME CAN BE
RIDICULOUSLY HIGH.
WATCH AS ONE BOY LIVING IN
AMERICA FINDS OUT HOW LONG HIS
DAD MIGHT HAVE TO WAIT.
>> SO, YOUR DAD HAS APPLIED FOR
A GREEN CARD FOR HIMSELF AND
YOUR FAMILY AND THE U. S.
GOVERNMENT LOOKED AT HIS
APPLICATION AND APPROVED IT.
WELL, THE PROBLEM IS THAT
THERE'S A WAITING LINE FOR GREEN
CARD AND THAT LINE IS REALLY
LONG FOR INDIA.
SO VERY WELL IT'D BE ABOUT
60 YEARS BY THE TIME YOUR DAD
GETS A GREEN CARD.
AND IF I'M DOING MY MATH
RIGHT...
>> DAD WILL BE OVER A HUNDRED
AND I'LL BE 71?
>> John: WELL, NEARLY.
YOUR DAD WILL BE DEAD.
BUT YEAH, YOU'LL BE 71.
OR DEAD.
YOU COULD BE AS DEAD AS YOUR
VERY DEAD DAD.
BUT OVERALL, YOUR POINT IS A
GOOD ONE, KID.
SO, TOGETHER, THE FAMILY AND
EMPLOYMENT PATHS MAKE UP AROUND
80% PERCENT OF LEGAL
IMMIGRATION.
BUT WHAT ABOUT IF YOU'RE NOT
RELATED TO SOMEBODY HERE AND YOU
AREN'T ALREADY HIGHLY SKILLED?
WELL, THAT BRINGS US TO THE
"LUCK" CATEGORIES.
IF YOU'RE LUCKY, YOU COULD COME
TO AMERICA THROUGH SOMETHING
CALLED THE DIVERSITY VISA
LOTTERY, WHICH I'LL LET THE
PRESIDENT EXPLAIN SO THAT YOU
KNOW EXACTLY WHAT IT ISN'T.
>> THEY CALL IT "VISA LOTTERY."
I JUST CALL IT LOTTERY, WHERE
COUNTRIES COME IN AND THEY PUT
NAMES IN A HOPPER ‐‐ THEY'RE
NOT GIVING YOU THEIR BEST NAMES.
COMMON SENSE MEANS THEY'RE NOT
GIVING YOU THEIR BEST NAMES.
THEY'RE GIVING YOU PEOPLE THAT
THEY DON'T WANT AND THEN WE TAKE
'EM OUT OF THE LOTTERY AND WHERE
THEY DO IT BY HAND, WHERE THEY
PUT THE HAND IN A BOWL.
PROBABLY WHAT'S IN THEIR
HAND ARE THE WORST OF THE WORST.
>> John: OKAY.
THERE'S JUST NOT TIME TO
BREAK DOWN HOW WRONG EVERYTHING
HE JUST SAID WAS, BUT SUFFICE IT
TO SAY: TRUMP CAN EXPECT A VISIT
FROM BOTTOMLESS PINOCCHIO
ANY DAY NOW.
BECAUSE EVERYTHING ABOUT THAT IS
WRONG.
THE COUNTRY THE PERSON COMES
FROM ISN'T INVOLVED, THEY DON'T
"GIVE" US ANYONE, THE PEOPLE WHO
WIN ARE VETTED, AND ‐‐
OBVIOUSLY, ‐‐ IT'S NOT
DONE BY HAND.
22 MILLION PEOPLE APPLIED IN
2017.
DOES HE THINK WE MADE ONE OF
THOSE SPINNING BINGO HOPPERS
FOR 22 MILLION PING PONG BALLS?
WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENS IS,
ANYBODY WHO LIVES IN A COUNTRY
WITH LOW IMMIGRATION RATES TO
THE UNITED STATES CAN ENTER
THEMSELVES INTO A COMPUTER‐RUN,
NON‐BOWL‐BASED LOTTERY FOR
THE CHANCE TO WIN SOMETHING
CALLED A DIVERSITY VISA.
AND OUT OF THE MILLIONS OF
PEOPLE WHO ENTER, ONLY
50,000 WIN.
SO YOUR ODDS OF WINNING THAT
LOTTERY TO COME INTO THE COUNTRY
ARE ABOUT THE SAME AS YOUR ODDS
OF GETTING SHOT ONCE YOU GET
HERE.
BASICALLY, IF YOU WIN:
CONGRATULATIONS!
FOR NOW.
SO THE VISA LOTTERY IS
THE LONGEST OF THE LONG SHOTS.
IT'S HONESTLY BARELY WORTH EVEN
TALKING ABOUT.
WHICH BRINGS US TO OUR FINAL
CATEGORY: BAD LUCK.
THAT IS BASICALLY REFUGEES AND
ASYLUM SEEKERS FLEEING TERRIBLE
SITUATIONS.
AND AMERICA HAS LONG PRIDED
ITSELF, WITH SOME REASON, ON THE
FACT IT'S LED THE WORLD IN TERMS
OF REFUGEE RESETTLEMENT,
ACCEPTING MORE REFUGEES
ANNUALLY THAN ANY OTHER COUNTRY.
BUT, AS YOU PROBABLY KNOW,
TRUMP DOES NOT CARE FOR THAT.
HE'S ATTACKED THE ASYLUM SYSTEM
REPEATEDLY, AND WHILE OBAMA SET
THE ANNUAL CAP ON REFUGEES AT
110,000 IN HIS LAST YEAR IN
OFFICE, TRUMP SLASHED IT TO
45,000 THE NEXT YEAR, AND
30,000 THE YEAR AFTER THAT.
AT THIS RATE, NEXT YEAR'S CAP
WILL BE REDUCED TO JUST ZAID.
AT WHICH POINT TRUMP WILL
PROBABLY MAKE HIS CAMPAIGN
SLOGAN: "GET RID OF ZAID."
AND IF YOU'RE THINKING TRUMP
MIGHT HAVE A CHANGE OF HEART, IF
HE JUST HEARD WHAT SOME OF THESE
REFUGEES ARE FLEEING, YOU'RE
WRONG.
TAKE NADIA MURAD, A YAZIDI WOMAN
WHO WAS ABDUCTED BY ISIS IN
IRAQ.
SHE FLED TO GERMANY AFTER THEY
KILLED HER FAMILY, WON A NOBEL
PRIZE FOR HER ADVOCACY, AND
ACTUALLY GOT TO TELL HER STORY
TO TRUMP'S FACE IN THE OVAL
OFFICE.
WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO SEE IS THE
SECOND TIME SHE'S SPECIFICALLY
MENTIONED TO HIM THAT HER
FAMILY WAS KILLED, AND WATCH
JUST HOW LITTLE HE'S BEEN
LISTENING.
>> ALL THIS HAPPENED TO ME, THEY
KILLED MY MOM, MY SIX BROTHERS,
THEY LEFT BEHIND THEM ‐‐
>> WHERE ARE THEY NOW?
>> THEY KILLED THEM.
>> John: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
"WHERE ARE THEY NOW?"
SHE JUST TOLD YOU.%
THREE FUCKING WORDS AGO!
THAT IS THE U. S. PRESIDENT
DISPLAYING A LEVEL OF
INDIFFERENCE TO HUMAN SUFFERING
RIVALED ONLY BY ROBOTS AND
HOUSE CATS.
AND THEY REALLY DON'T GIVE A
SHIT.
AND THINGS COULD GET EVEN WORSE.
THERE ARE NOW REPORTS THAT
TRUMP'S WHITE HOUSE IS WEIGHING
WHETHER TO CUT THE NUMBER OF
REFUGEES WE ADMIT TO ZERO NEXT
YEAR.
AND IF THEY DO, THEN TELL ME:
WHAT IS THE RIGHT WAY FOR
REFUGEES TO COME IN THEN?
AND THAT IS THE POINT HERE.
FOR ALL OF THEIR TALK OF HOW
FINE THEY ARE WITH LEGAL
IMMIGRATION, THIS ADMINISTRATION
HAS WORKED HARD TO REDUCE IT AS
MUCH AS POSSIBLE, ACROSS THE
BOARD.
IN HIS FIRST YEAR, HE SUPPORTED
A BILL THAT WOULD'VE CUT LEGAL
IMMIGRATION INTO THIS COUNTRY BY
HALF.
AND WHILE THAT BILL WENT
NOWHERE, HE'S MADE COUNTLESS
PROCEDURAL TWEAKS GUMMING UP THE
PROCESS FOR COMING HERE LEGALLY,
WHICH HELPS EXPLAIN WHY THE TIME
IT TAKES TO PROCESS AN
APPLICATION HAS JUMPED 46%
SINCE 2016.
SOME IMMIGRATION ATTORNEYS ARE
NOW CALLING THOSE CHANGES
"THE INVISIBLE WALL."
AND JUST LAST MONTH, HE PUT IN
ANOTHER BRICK IN THAT WALL
WHEN THE ADMINISTRATION ISSUED
WHAT'S CALLED THE "PUBLIC CHARGE
RULE," MAKING THE PATH TO
PERMANENT RESIDENCY MUCH MORE
DIFFICULT FOR ANY WOULD‐BE
IMMIGRANT WHO FAILS TO MEET
INCOME STANDARDS
OR IS DEEMED LIKELY TO USE
PUBLIC ASSISTANCE LIKE FOOD
STAMPS, PUBLIC HOUSING, OR
MEDICAID.
THAT COULD PROFOUNDLY CHANGE WHO
GETS TO CALL THIS COUNTRY HOME,
ADVANTAGING THE WELL‐OFF,
AND DISADVANTAGING
ANYONE THEY EVEN THINK WILL
HAVE GREATER NEEDS.
AND WHEN KEN CUCINELLI, ACTING
DIRECTOR OF U. S. CITIZENSHIP AND
IMMIGRATION SERVICES, WAS ASKED
HOW THIS COULD POSSIBLY SQUARE
WITH AMERICA'S IDEALS, HIS
ANSWER WASN'T GREAT.
>> WOULD YOU ALSO AGREE THAT
EMMA LAZARUS'S WORDS, ETCHED ON
THE STATUE OF LIBERTY, "GIVE ME
YOUR TIRED, YOUR POOR," ARE ALSO
PART OF THE AMERICAN ETHOS?
>> THEY CERTAINLY ARE.
"GIVE ME YOUR TIRED AND YOUR
POOR WHO CAN STAND ON THEIR OWN
TWO FEET, AND WHO WILL NOT
BECOME A PUBLIC CHARGE."
>> John: HOLD ON THERE.
THAT'S NOT WHAT IT SAYS.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD LINES TO A
POEM THAT TOTALLY INVALIDATES
ITS PREMISE.
YOU CAN'T SAY, "IN THE WORDS OF
EMILY DICKINSON, BECAUSE I COULD
NOT STOP FOR DEATH, HE KINDLY
STOPPED FOR ME, AND THEN WE
TOTALLY FUCKED A LOT.
DEATH HAS A BIG, FAT DICK."
YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
YOU'RE FUNDAMENTALLY CHANGING
THE INTENDED MEANING.
ALSO, IT'S NOT JUST THAT HIS
ADDITION TO THE POEM IS
TERRIBLE.
IT'S THAT WHAT HE TOOK OUT IS
REALLY IMPORTANT:
"GIVE ME YOUR TIRED, YOUR POOR,
YOUR HUDDLED MASSES YEARNING TO
BREATHE FREE."
BECAUSE AS CORNY AS IT MIGHT
SOUND: AMERICA AT ITS BEST
ISN'T ABOUT WHO YOU ARE WHEN YOU
ARRIVE, IT'S ABOUT WHO YOU WANT
TO BECOME.
THE YEARNING PART COUNTS.
AND THAT DOESN'T HAVE TO MEAN
THAT EVERYONE WHO WANTS TO COME
GETS TO COME.
BUT IF YOU'RE GOING TO SAY "GET
IN LINE" TO PEOPLE, YOU SHOULD
AT LEAST MAKE SURE THEY ACTUALLY
HAVE A LINE TO STAND IN.
AND RIGHT NOW, THESE ARE
THE ONLY PATHWAYS THAT EXIST.
AND WE SHOULD BE HAVING A
SERIOUS CONVERSATION ABOUT
WHETHER THEY WORK SMOOTHLY
ENOUGH ‐‐ WHICH THEY DO NOT ‐‐
WHETHER THIS IS THE RIGHT
BALANCE BETWEEN THE CATEGORIES
AND WHETHER WE'VE DEFINED THE
CATEGORIES CORRECTLY.
I THINK TRUMP'S MADE IT CLEAR
HIS IDEAL SYSTEM IS IN TWO
TIERS, SPLIT EVENLY BETWEEN
RICH NORWEGIANS AND FUTURE
WIVES.
PERSONALLY, I THINK A LOT MORE
PEOPLE SHOULD BE LET IN, BUT
I'LL ADMIT: THIS IS SUBJECTIVE,
AND I AM BIASED.
I HAVE BEEN THROUGH THE SYSTEM,
AND I CAN TELL YOU IT'S ROUGH.
WHEN I FINALLY GOT MY GREEN
CARD YEARS AGO, IT WAS SENT TO
"THE DAILY SHOW," AND THEY
SURPRISED ME WITH IT AT WORK,
PRESENTING IT TO ME WITH A SLICE
OF APPLE PIE AND A BUDWEISER AS
A JOKE.
THING IS, I WAS SO RELIEVED, I
NEARLY BURST INTO TEARS.
AND THAT'S WHEN I REALIZED I'D
BEEN WORRIED ABOUT MY STATUS
EVERY SINGLE DAY.
AND I WAS VERY, VERY LUCKY.
I HAD A LOT OF HELP, AND MORE
IMPORTANTLY, I HAD A PATH TO
COME HERE.
IT'S THE PATH THAT'S LED US ALL
TO "SAD ZAZU'S MILDLY
INTERESTING EXPLAIN TRAIN."
BUT FOR MANY PEOPLE, THERE IS
LITERALLY NO WAY TO "COME IN THE
RIGHT WAY."
AND IF I WAS ONE OF THEM, AND
DONALD TRUMP TOLD ME TO JUST GET
IN LINE AND COME IN THE RIGHT
WAY, I THINK I WOULD'VE BEEN
WELL WITHIN MY RIGHTS TO QUOTE
THE OTHER IMMORTAL WORDS OF
EMILY DICKINSON, "HOPE IS THE
THING WITH FEATHERS.
ALSO, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
TALKING ABOUT, YOU FUCKING
IDIOT.
DEATH HAS A BIG, FAT DICK."
AND NOW THIS:
>> AND NOW, PREPARE TO BE
INTERROGATED BY INVESTIGATION
DISCOVERY'S JOE KENDA.
>> I AM LIEUTENANT JOE KENDA.
I NEVER KNOW WHERE A CASE IS
GOING TO LEAD, BUT I WILL NEVER
STOP UNTIL IT'S SOLVED.
>> I TREAT PEOPLE FAIRLY BUT I'M
ALSO RUTHLESS.
>> I CAN BE QUITE INTIMIDATING
WHEN I WANT TO.
>> DO YOU THINK HE WALKED OUT OF
YOUR CAR AND RAN INTO A KNIFE
SIX TIMES, MIKE?
>> YOU WANT TO RUN THAT BY ME,
AARON?
>> YOU KNOW, MARK, I'M
>> YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT
MEANS, DON'T YOU?
EMBARRASSED FOR YOU.
>> OH, KEVIN, I'M STARTING TO
HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU.
>> OH, CHRISTOPHER,
I COULD KISS YOU ON THE MOUTH.
>> WELL, MY, MY, MY, DANNY.
>> WELL, MY, MY, MY.
>> WELL, MY, MY, MY, YOU LYING
LITTLE [BLEEP].
>> IF IT WALKS LIKE A DUCK AND
QUACKS A DUCK, IT'S A DUCK.
>> DON'T MONKEY WAS SOMEBODY
ELSE'S MONKEY.
>> THERE IS A TOOTH FAIRY, MAYBE
THERE'S A BLOOD FAIRY.
>> WHEN I LEAVE HERE, I'M GOING
TO HAVE SOMEONE'S ASS IN MY
BRIEFCASE.
>> I DON'T TRUST ANYBODY.
I DON'T TRUST MY MOTHER AND
SHE'S BEEN DEAD FOR 11 YEARS.
>> John: THAT'S OUR SHOW, THANK
YOU SO MUCH FOR WATCHING!
WE'LL BE OFF NEXT WEEK
FOR THE EMMYS BUT WE'LL BE BACK
THE WEEK AFTER THAT.
GOOD NIGHT!