1 00:00:11,778 --> 00:00:15,315 ♪ ♪ 2 00:00:15,382 --> 00:00:24,458 ♪ ♪ 3 00:00:24,958 --> 00:00:27,582 ♪ ♪ 4 00:00:27,582 --> 00:00:31,943 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 5 00:00:31,943 --> 00:00:33,211 >> John: WELCOME, WELCOME, 6 00:00:33,277 --> 00:00:34,745 WELCOME TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT!" 7 00:00:34,812 --> 00:00:35,513 I'M JOHN OLIVER. 8 00:00:35,580 --> 00:00:36,747 THANK YOU SO MUCH 9 00:00:36,814 --> 00:00:37,849 FOR JOINING US. 10 00:00:37,915 --> 00:00:38,549 JUST TIME FOR QUICK RECAP 11 00:00:38,616 --> 00:00:39,717 OF THE WEEK. 12 00:00:39,784 --> 00:00:41,319 WHICH WAS A BUSY ONE, FROM 13 00:00:41,385 --> 00:00:42,687 JOHN BOLTON BEING FIRED AS 14 00:00:42,753 --> 00:00:43,921 NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER, TO 15 00:00:43,988 --> 00:00:45,356 MIKE PENCE TELLING PEOPLE HE WAS 16 00:00:45,423 --> 00:00:46,591 BITTEN SO HARD BY THE HORSE 17 00:00:46,657 --> 00:00:48,292 AMERICAN PHAROAH THAT HE NEARLY 18 00:00:48,359 --> 00:00:51,629 COLLAPSED ‐‐ TO WHICH I SAY, 19 00:00:51,696 --> 00:00:54,365 GOOD HORSE ‐‐ TO THE LATEST 20 00:00:54,432 --> 00:00:55,266 DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE DEBATE, 21 00:00:55,333 --> 00:00:56,634 WHERE JOE BIDEN, IN RESPONDING 22 00:00:56,701 --> 00:00:58,436 TO A QUESTION ABOUT THE LEGACY 23 00:00:58,503 --> 00:01:00,304 OF AMERICAN SLAVERY, SAID THIS: 24 00:01:00,371 --> 00:01:02,039 >> WE BRING SOCIAL WORKERS INTO 25 00:01:02,106 --> 00:01:04,108 HOMES WITH PARENTS TO HELP THEM 26 00:01:04,175 --> 00:01:05,042 DEAL WITH HOW TO RAISE THEIR 27 00:01:05,109 --> 00:01:08,012 CHILDREN. 28 00:01:08,079 --> 00:01:08,679 IT'S NOT THEY DON'T WANT TO 29 00:01:08,746 --> 00:01:09,447 HELP. 30 00:01:09,514 --> 00:01:10,047 THEY DON'T KNOW QUITE WHAT TO 31 00:01:10,114 --> 00:01:10,447 DO. 32 00:01:10,448 --> 00:01:11,015 PLAY THE RADIO. 33 00:01:11,082 --> 00:01:12,850 MAKE SURE THAT THE TELEVISION ‐‐ 34 00:01:12,917 --> 00:01:14,051 EXCUSE ME, MAKE SURE YOU HAVE 35 00:01:14,118 --> 00:01:17,388 THE RECORD PLAYER ON AT NIGHT. 36 00:01:17,455 --> 00:01:18,055 THE PHONE ‐‐ MAKE SURE THAT 37 00:01:18,122 --> 00:01:19,690 KIDS HEAR WORDS. 38 00:01:19,757 --> 00:01:23,261 >> John: OH, SHIT! 39 00:01:23,327 --> 00:01:24,495 THAT IS JOE BIDEN SAYING 40 00:01:24,562 --> 00:01:26,030 "TELEVISION," THEN 41 00:01:26,097 --> 00:01:28,933 REPLACING IT WITH "RECORD 42 00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:30,168 PLAYER," AND THEN, JUST BARELY 43 00:01:30,234 --> 00:01:31,135 STOPPING HIMSELF FROM SAYING 44 00:01:31,202 --> 00:01:32,370 "PHONOGRAPH." 45 00:01:32,436 --> 00:01:32,937 AND LET'S ALL REMEMBER THAT 46 00:01:33,004 --> 00:01:33,905 FUNNY MOMENT WHEN BIDEN 47 00:01:33,971 --> 00:01:35,139 INEVITABLY SENDS A CONCESSION 48 00:01:35,206 --> 00:01:36,107 TELEGRAM TO TRUMP NEXT 49 00:01:36,174 --> 00:01:37,942 NOVEMBER. 50 00:01:38,009 --> 00:01:40,578 BUT INSTEAD OF FOCUSING ON THAT, 51 00:01:40,645 --> 00:01:41,946 LET'S INSTEAD MOVE ONTO RUSSIA, 52 00:01:42,013 --> 00:01:42,980 VOTED HOME OF THE WORLD'S 53 00:01:43,047 --> 00:01:45,716 SEXIEST PRESIDENT BY 54 00:01:45,783 --> 00:01:47,151 BY "PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY, 55 00:01:47,218 --> 00:01:48,052 JUST DO WHATEVER HE SAYS 56 00:01:48,119 --> 00:01:49,020 MAGAZINE." 57 00:01:49,086 --> 00:01:49,921 THERE WERE CITY COUNCIL 58 00:01:49,987 --> 00:01:50,888 ELECTIONS IN MOSCOW LAST 59 00:01:50,955 --> 00:01:51,889 WEEKEND, AND THE RUN‐UP TO THEM 60 00:01:51,956 --> 00:01:52,723 HAD BEEN TENSE. 61 00:01:52,790 --> 00:01:53,891 BECAUSE PUTIN'S "UNITED RUSSIA" 62 00:01:53,958 --> 00:01:54,892 PARTY HAS BEEN DECLINING IN 63 00:01:54,959 --> 00:01:55,960 POPULARITY, AND BY SHEER 64 00:01:56,027 --> 00:01:57,361 COINCIDENCE, THE CENTRAL 65 00:01:57,428 --> 00:01:59,230 ELECTION COMMISSION DECIDED TO 66 00:01:59,297 --> 00:02:01,599 BAN MANY OPPOSITION CANDIDATES 67 00:02:01,666 --> 00:02:02,800 FROM RUNNING, SETTING OFF 68 00:02:02,867 --> 00:02:04,502 A SUMMER OF PROTESTS IN MOSCOW, 69 00:02:04,569 --> 00:02:05,403 WITH THOUSANDS OF ATTENDEES AND 70 00:02:05,469 --> 00:02:07,138 MASS ARRESTS. 71 00:02:07,205 --> 00:02:08,406 NOW FOR HIS PART, PUTIN TRIED TO 72 00:02:08,472 --> 00:02:10,041 DISPEL CONCERNS OVER THE 73 00:02:10,107 --> 00:02:11,142 SUSPICIOUS LACK OF CANDIDATES, 74 00:02:11,209 --> 00:02:12,109 ARGUING IT WAS ACTUALLY A GOOD 75 00:02:12,176 --> 00:02:14,312 THING. 76 00:02:14,378 --> 00:02:15,846 >> IN SOME COUNTRIES THERE ARE 77 00:02:15,913 --> 00:02:16,647 30, 50, EVEN A HUNDRED 78 00:02:16,714 --> 00:02:18,416 CANDIDATES. 79 00:02:18,482 --> 00:02:19,417 THAT DOESN'T MEAN TO SAY THEY DO 80 00:02:19,483 --> 00:02:21,686 BETTER WORK. 81 00:02:21,752 --> 00:02:23,923 IT'S QUALITY, NOT QUANTITY THAT 82 00:02:23,924 --> 00:02:24,355 COUNTS. 83 00:02:24,388 --> 00:02:25,223 >> John: I MEAN, LOOK AT 84 00:02:25,289 --> 00:02:26,557 NETFLIX. 85 00:02:26,624 --> 00:02:28,125 YOU HAVE CHOICES, BUT WHERE IS 86 00:02:28,192 --> 00:02:30,428 QUALITY CONTROL? 87 00:02:30,494 --> 00:02:31,762 WHAT IS "FRONTIER"? 88 00:02:31,829 --> 00:02:33,764 WHAT IS "THE ORDER"? 89 00:02:33,831 --> 00:02:35,633 WHAT IS "MALIBU RESCUE"? 90 00:02:35,700 --> 00:02:39,003 WHAT IS "WORKIN' MOMS"? 91 00:02:39,070 --> 00:02:45,309 WHAT IS "BACK WITH EX?" 92 00:02:45,376 --> 00:02:47,814 HOW DOES THIS BUSINESS MODEL 93 00:02:47,848 --> 00:02:48,279 WORK? 94 00:02:48,312 --> 00:02:49,113 SOMEBODY EXPLAIN IT TO ME. 95 00:02:49,180 --> 00:02:50,014 BUT TO COMBAT PUTIN'S THUMB ON 96 00:02:50,081 --> 00:02:50,915 THE SCALE, OPPOSITION LEADERS 97 00:02:50,982 --> 00:02:51,882 LIKE ALEXEY NAVALNY ENCOURAGED 98 00:02:51,949 --> 00:02:54,285 SUPPORTERS TO VOTE TACTICALLY, 99 00:02:54,352 --> 00:02:57,588 BASICALLY SUPPORTING ANY 100 00:02:57,655 --> 00:02:58,356 CANDIDATE THAT COULD BEAT 101 00:02:58,422 --> 00:02:59,357 A PRO‐KREMLIN ONE. 102 00:02:59,423 --> 00:03:00,758 AND IT SEEMS TO HAVE WORKED, 103 00:03:00,825 --> 00:03:01,459 WITH THE RULING PARTY LOSING A 104 00:03:01,525 --> 00:03:02,493 THIRD OF ITS SEATS IN MOSCOW'S 105 00:03:02,560 --> 00:03:03,494 CITY COUNCIL, NAVALNY AND HIS 106 00:03:03,561 --> 00:03:04,528 ASSOCIATES HAVE SINCE BEEN 107 00:03:04,595 --> 00:03:10,067 THE TARGET OF GOVERNMENT RAIDS, 108 00:03:10,134 --> 00:03:13,537 AND HE HAS SOME PRETTY GOOD 109 00:03:13,604 --> 00:03:14,538 IDEAS AS TO 110 00:03:14,605 --> 00:03:15,306 WHY THAT MIGHT'VE HAPPENED. 111 00:03:15,373 --> 00:03:16,340 >> THIS TIME, PUTIN GOT REALLY 112 00:03:16,407 --> 00:03:17,108 UPSET BECAUSE OF THE TACTICAL 113 00:03:17,174 --> 00:03:17,942 VOTE AND THAT HIS SWEET CHILD, 114 00:03:18,009 --> 00:03:18,709 THE UNITED RUSSIA PARTY, HAS 115 00:03:18,776 --> 00:03:19,443 BEEN BUSTED IN MOSCOW, AND 116 00:03:19,510 --> 00:03:20,311 SERIOUSLY BEATEN IN THE REGIONS. 117 00:03:20,378 --> 00:03:20,945 YES, HE IS UPSET AND HE IS 118 00:03:21,012 --> 00:03:24,849 STOMPING HIS LITTLE FEET. 119 00:03:24,915 --> 00:03:26,083 >> John: WOW. 120 00:03:26,150 --> 00:03:26,951 "STOMPING HIS LITTLE FEET". 121 00:03:27,018 --> 00:03:28,152 NOT ONLY IS THAT COMMENT BRAVE, 122 00:03:28,219 --> 00:03:28,953 IT ALSO MADE ME GENUINELY 123 00:03:29,020 --> 00:03:29,787 CURIOUS: DOES PUTIN HAVE LITTLE 124 00:03:29,854 --> 00:03:32,089 FEET? 125 00:03:32,156 --> 00:03:33,624 SO I DID WHAT ANY NORMAL, 126 00:03:33,691 --> 00:03:34,925 REASONABLE PERSON WOULD DO, AND 127 00:03:34,992 --> 00:03:38,362 I LOOKED UP PUTIN ON WIKIFEET. 128 00:03:38,429 --> 00:03:40,131 AND THE RESULTS ARE IN, AND I 129 00:03:40,197 --> 00:03:40,831 WILL SAY: LOOK AT THIS GUY'S 130 00:03:40,898 --> 00:03:41,932 TINY LITTLE FEET! 131 00:03:41,999 --> 00:03:45,069 YOU JUST WANNA GOOCH 'EM! 132 00:03:45,136 --> 00:03:45,703 YOU JUST WANNA GOOCH 'EM! 133 00:03:45,770 --> 00:03:46,537 THIS LITTLE PIGGY WENT TO 134 00:03:46,604 --> 00:03:48,873 MARKET, THIS LITTLE PIGGY STAYED 135 00:03:48,939 --> 00:03:49,440 AT HOME. 136 00:03:49,507 --> 00:03:50,107 THIS LITTLE PIGGY HAD BORSCHT, 137 00:03:50,174 --> 00:03:51,809 THIS LITTLE PIGGY HAD NONE. 138 00:03:51,876 --> 00:03:53,177 AND THIS LITTLE PIGGY WENT 139 00:03:53,244 --> 00:03:54,712 "WEE, WEE, WEE," ALL THE WAY TO 140 00:03:54,779 --> 00:03:55,813 A PRISON CAMP IN SIBERIA. 141 00:03:55,880 --> 00:03:56,914 WHAT DID THAT LITTLE PIGGY DO? 142 00:03:56,981 --> 00:04:01,118 WE'LL NEVER KNOW. 143 00:04:01,185 --> 00:04:02,153 SHOCKED UP ABOUT THE LITTLE 144 00:04:02,154 --> 00:04:02,618 PIGGY. 145 00:04:02,619 --> 00:04:03,587 SO WITH ELECTIONS RIGGED AND 146 00:04:03,654 --> 00:04:04,689 DISSENT SUPPRESSED, SOME 147 00:04:04,755 --> 00:04:05,790 RUSSIANS HAVE FOUND THEMSELVES 148 00:04:05,856 --> 00:04:06,991 COMING UP WITH CREATIVE WAYS TO 149 00:04:07,058 --> 00:04:07,858 EXPRESS THEIR FRUSTRATION. 150 00:04:07,925 --> 00:04:08,993 AND PERHAPS THE MOST 151 00:04:09,060 --> 00:04:09,927 ENTERTAINING ONE CONCERNED A 152 00:04:09,994 --> 00:04:11,362 RAPPER NAMED TIMATI. 153 00:04:11,429 --> 00:04:13,531 ON THE OFF‐CHANCE YOU'RE NOT ONE 154 00:04:13,597 --> 00:04:14,532 OF HIS 14 MILLION INSTAGRAM 155 00:04:14,598 --> 00:04:16,067 FOLLOWERS, LET ME GIVE YOU A 156 00:04:16,133 --> 00:04:17,401 TASTE OF WHAT HE'S LIKE. 157 00:04:17,468 --> 00:04:19,236 AT FIRST, HE SEEMS SORT OF FUN 158 00:04:19,303 --> 00:04:20,471 AND HARMLESS ‐‐ DRESSING LIKE A 159 00:04:20,538 --> 00:04:22,173 SKI PATROLMAN WHOSE FIRST AID 160 00:04:22,239 --> 00:04:24,742 KIT IS FULL OF ROHYPNOL, AND 161 00:04:24,809 --> 00:04:25,943 POSTING VIDEOS LIKE THIS: 162 00:04:26,010 --> 00:04:26,844 >> ♪ EVERYBODY WANNA BE 163 00:04:26,911 --> 00:04:28,112 LIKE ME ♪ 164 00:04:28,179 --> 00:04:29,947 ♪ EVERYBODY WANNA BE LIKE ME ♪ 165 00:04:30,014 --> 00:04:32,383 ♪ EVERYBODY WANNA BE LIKE ME ♪ 166 00:04:32,450 --> 00:04:33,417 ♪ BUST DOWN, BIG CHAINS AND 167 00:04:33,484 --> 00:04:37,221 DRESS FANCY ♪ 168 00:04:37,288 --> 00:04:38,889 >> John: I MEAN, THAT'S FINE, 169 00:04:38,956 --> 00:04:39,490 BUT HONESTLY, I'M NOT SURE 170 00:04:39,557 --> 00:04:40,291 "EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE LIKE 171 00:04:40,358 --> 00:04:41,292 YOU." 172 00:04:41,359 --> 00:04:43,761 BECAUSE IF THEY'RE AT ALL LIKE 173 00:04:43,828 --> 00:04:45,596 ME, EVERYBODY WOULD LIKE MORE 174 00:04:45,663 --> 00:04:46,897 THAN ZERO LAYERS OF PROTECTION 175 00:04:46,964 --> 00:04:48,032 BETWEEN THEIR GENITALS AND HIGH 176 00:04:48,099 --> 00:04:51,068 SPEED WATER. 177 00:04:51,135 --> 00:04:51,936 TIMATI ALSO REALLY LIKES THESE 178 00:04:52,002 --> 00:04:52,403 COLLECTIBLE BEARS. 179 00:04:52,470 --> 00:04:53,070 SERIOUSLY. 180 00:04:53,137 --> 00:04:54,705 HE REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, 181 00:04:54,772 --> 00:04:57,575 REALLY, REALLY LIKES THESE 182 00:04:57,641 --> 00:04:58,442 COLLECTIBLE BEARS. 183 00:04:58,509 --> 00:05:00,177 HE LOVES THEM. 184 00:05:00,244 --> 00:05:03,714 THIS IS HIS HOME. 185 00:05:03,781 --> 00:05:04,715 THOSE BEARS WATCH HIM SLEEP. 186 00:05:04,782 --> 00:05:08,219 AND HE THEM. 187 00:05:08,285 --> 00:05:09,954 AND SURE, THIS SEEMS LIKE A 188 00:05:10,020 --> 00:05:12,823 HARMLESS OBSESSION FOR A YOUNG 189 00:05:12,890 --> 00:05:13,424 BOY OF 12‐GOING‐ON‐36. 190 00:05:13,491 --> 00:05:14,358 UNTIL YOU REALIZE THAT SOME OF 191 00:05:14,425 --> 00:05:15,059 THEM, LIKE THIS COCO CHANEL 192 00:05:15,126 --> 00:05:15,993 BEAR, APPARENTLY CAN RUN UPWARDS 193 00:05:16,060 --> 00:05:16,894 OF $28,000 AT AUCTION. 194 00:05:16,961 --> 00:05:20,598 WHICH IS RIDICULOUS. 195 00:05:20,664 --> 00:05:22,333 IT SEEMS LIKE TIMATI HAS EVERY 196 00:05:22,400 --> 00:05:23,234 BEAR EVER MADE. 197 00:05:23,300 --> 00:05:24,502 EXCEPT I KNOW FOR A FACT HE 198 00:05:24,568 --> 00:05:27,004 DOESN'T, BECAUSE, BEHOLD: 199 00:05:27,071 --> 00:05:31,008 THE RAREST BEAR OF ALL! 200 00:05:31,075 --> 00:05:32,343 WHAT DO YOU THINK, TIMATI? 201 00:05:32,410 --> 00:05:33,878 WHAT DO YOU THINK? 202 00:05:33,944 --> 00:05:35,079 EVERYBODY WANNA BE LIKE ME! 203 00:05:35,146 --> 00:05:37,748 EVERYBODY WANNA BE LIKE ME! 204 00:05:37,815 --> 00:05:39,784 BUT BEFORE YOU FIND YOURSELF 205 00:05:39,850 --> 00:05:41,051 BECOMING A FAN OF TIMATI, YOU 206 00:05:41,118 --> 00:05:43,487 SHOULD KNOW, HE HANGS OUT WITH 207 00:05:43,554 --> 00:05:44,622 FRIENDS LIKE CHECHEN 208 00:05:44,688 --> 00:05:45,956 DICTATOR/FAILED CAT OWNER 209 00:05:46,023 --> 00:05:47,224 RAMZAN KADYROV, AND HIS BEST 210 00:05:47,291 --> 00:05:48,826 FRIEND IS PRESIDENT PUTIN, AS 211 00:05:48,893 --> 00:05:50,828 YOU CAN TELL FROM ONE OF 212 00:05:50,895 --> 00:05:52,963 HIS OWN SONGS, "MY BEST FRIEND 213 00:05:53,030 --> 00:05:55,800 IS PRESIDENT PUTIN." 214 00:05:55,866 --> 00:06:05,709 ♪ ♪ 215 00:06:05,776 --> 00:06:13,884 ♪ ♪ 216 00:06:13,951 --> 00:06:14,852 >> John: WE GET IT. 217 00:06:14,919 --> 00:06:19,356 I'VE GOTTA SAY ‐‐ IT'S 218 00:06:19,423 --> 00:06:20,758 GENUINELY JARRING TO HEAR A RAP 219 00:06:20,825 --> 00:06:21,826 SONG THAT'S SO PRO‐AUTHORITY. 220 00:06:21,892 --> 00:06:22,660 IT'S LIKE IF N. W. A.'S BIGGEST 221 00:06:22,726 --> 00:06:23,494 HIT SONG HAD BEEN CALLED 222 00:06:23,561 --> 00:06:25,095 "HIP HIP HOORAY FOR THE POLICE." 223 00:06:25,162 --> 00:06:27,431 SO, YOU MIGHT JUSTIFIABLY ASK: 224 00:06:27,498 --> 00:06:28,499 WHAT THE FUCK HAS TIMATI GOT TO 225 00:06:28,566 --> 00:06:29,467 DO WITH MOSCOW'S LOCAL 226 00:06:29,533 --> 00:06:30,568 ELECTIONS? 227 00:06:30,634 --> 00:06:31,802 WELL, JUST BEFORE THEY TOOK 228 00:06:31,869 --> 00:06:33,537 PLACE, HE AND FELLOW RAPPER 229 00:06:33,604 --> 00:06:36,807 GUF ‐‐ REAL NAME ‐‐ PUT OUT 230 00:06:36,874 --> 00:06:37,842 A VIDEO CALLED "MOSCOW." 231 00:06:37,908 --> 00:06:38,976 IT WAS A CLASSIC TIMATI‐GUF 232 00:06:39,043 --> 00:06:40,377 COLLAB IF I EVER HEARD ONE, AND 233 00:06:40,444 --> 00:06:42,112 I DEFINITELY HAVEN'T. 234 00:06:42,179 --> 00:06:44,248 THE SONG FEATURED LYRICS LIKE 235 00:06:44,315 --> 00:06:46,550 MOSCOW IS "THE CITY THAT DOESN'T 236 00:06:46,617 --> 00:06:47,785 HOLD GAY PARADES" AND 237 00:06:47,852 --> 00:06:48,886 "I DON'T GO TO PROTESTS AND TALK 238 00:06:48,953 --> 00:06:50,821 BULLSHIT." 239 00:06:50,888 --> 00:06:51,822 AND COMING IN THE MIDST OF A 240 00:06:51,889 --> 00:06:52,656 FRAUGHT ELECTION, PEOPLE 241 00:06:52,723 --> 00:06:56,327 UNDERSTANDABLY DID NOT REACT 242 00:06:56,393 --> 00:06:57,228 WELL TO THAT. 243 00:06:57,294 --> 00:06:58,128 IN FACT, "MOSCOW" ACTUALLY 244 00:06:58,195 --> 00:06:58,996 BECAME THE MOST DOWN‐VOTED VIDEO 245 00:06:59,063 --> 00:06:59,830 ON RUSSIAN YOUTUBE. 246 00:06:59,897 --> 00:07:00,931 THE BACKLASH GOT SO BAD, TIMATI 247 00:07:00,998 --> 00:07:02,366 POSTED, "I AM DELETING THIS 248 00:07:02,433 --> 00:07:03,300 VIDEO TO STOP THIS WAVE OF 249 00:07:03,367 --> 00:07:04,602 NEGATIVITY," WHICH, IF WE'VE 250 00:07:04,668 --> 00:07:05,402 LEARNED ANYTHING FROM THE 251 00:07:05,469 --> 00:07:09,573 INTERNET, ALWAYS WORKS. 252 00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:12,109 AS FOR GUF, HE CLAIMED HE'D BEEN 253 00:07:12,176 --> 00:07:13,110 TRICKED INTO PARTICIPATING IN A 254 00:07:13,177 --> 00:07:14,211 POLITICAL VIDEO, PUTTING OUT 255 00:07:14,278 --> 00:07:16,447 THIS INSTAGRAM STATEMENT: 256 00:07:16,514 --> 00:07:18,415 >> I SWEAR I HAD NO IDEA THAT WE 257 00:07:18,482 --> 00:07:19,617 HAD MAYORAL ELECTIONS THE DAY 258 00:07:19,683 --> 00:07:21,485 BEFORE YESTERDAY. 259 00:07:21,552 --> 00:07:23,153 I WAS TOLD THAT WE NEED TO 260 00:07:23,220 --> 00:07:24,822 WISH THE CITY A HAPPY BIRTHDAY 261 00:07:24,889 --> 00:07:26,023 BECAUSE WE ARE MUSCOVITES, AND 262 00:07:26,090 --> 00:07:28,025 IT WOULD BE NICE. 263 00:07:28,092 --> 00:07:31,629 I FELL FOR THAT BULLSHIT. 264 00:07:31,695 --> 00:07:34,865 >> John: YEAH, SORRY, GUF. 265 00:07:34,932 --> 00:07:36,267 YOU DONE GOOFED ON THIS ONE. 266 00:07:36,333 --> 00:07:37,167 ALTHOUGH, IN GUF'S DEFENSE, IT 267 00:07:37,234 --> 00:07:38,335 WAS MOSCOW'S 872ND BIRTHDAY LAST 268 00:07:38,402 --> 00:07:40,004 WEEK, WHICH IS TRADITIONALLY THE 269 00:07:40,070 --> 00:07:41,238 "MAKE A HOMOPHOBIC JOCK JAM FOR 270 00:07:41,305 --> 00:07:44,208 THE GOVERNMENT" ANNIVERSARY. 271 00:07:44,275 --> 00:07:45,509 THE POINT HERE IS, RUSSIANS ARE 272 00:07:45,576 --> 00:07:46,677 UNDERSTANDABLY FRUSTRATED WITH 273 00:07:46,744 --> 00:07:47,611 THEIR GOVERNMENT, AND THEY'RE 274 00:07:47,678 --> 00:07:48,679 TAKING THAT FRUSTRATION OUT 275 00:07:48,746 --> 00:07:51,482 WHEREVER THEY CAN ‐‐ EVEN ON 276 00:07:51,549 --> 00:07:54,485 A MEDICAL‐GRADE FUCKBOY WITH AN 277 00:07:54,552 --> 00:07:55,085 SADLY INCOMPLETE TOY‐BEAR 278 00:07:55,152 --> 00:07:55,953 COLLECTION. 279 00:07:56,020 --> 00:07:57,187 AND WHILE I DOUBT THE OPPOSITION 280 00:07:57,254 --> 00:07:58,522 IS GOING TO TOPPLE PUTIN ANYTIME 281 00:07:58,589 --> 00:08:00,190 SOON, IT IS ENCOURAGING TO SEE 282 00:08:00,257 --> 00:08:01,692 THEM ABLE TO KEEP HIM ON HIS 283 00:08:01,759 --> 00:08:03,427 TINY LITTLE TOES. 284 00:08:03,494 --> 00:08:05,229 AND NOW THIS. 285 00:08:05,296 --> 00:08:06,897 ♪ ♪ 286 00:08:06,964 --> 00:08:08,666 >> AND NOW, MARIA BARTIROMO'S 287 00:08:08,732 --> 00:08:09,733 GUESTS WILL NEVER LET HER FORGET 288 00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:10,734 WHAT SEPTEMBER 11TH REALLY 289 00:08:10,801 --> 00:08:12,736 MEANS. 290 00:08:12,803 --> 00:08:14,071 >> IT HELPS TO REMEMBER WHERE WE 291 00:08:14,138 --> 00:08:15,539 WERE, WHAT WE FELT, WHO WE 292 00:08:15,606 --> 00:08:17,308 TALKED TO ON SEPTEMBER 11TH, 293 00:08:17,374 --> 00:08:20,010 2001 AND ALSO HOW WE FELT ON 294 00:08:20,077 --> 00:08:20,644 SEPTEMBER 12TH, 2001, 17 YEARS 295 00:08:20,711 --> 00:08:21,812 LATER. 296 00:08:21,879 --> 00:08:22,913 >> YOU ARE SURE RIGHT. 297 00:08:22,980 --> 00:08:23,547 >> THREE WORDS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, 298 00:08:23,614 --> 00:08:27,384 MARIA. 299 00:08:27,451 --> 00:08:28,485 >> OH, MITCH, THANK YOU FOR 300 00:08:28,552 --> 00:08:28,919 THAT. 301 00:08:28,986 --> 00:08:30,154 >> YEAH, HAPPY BIRTHDAY. 302 00:08:30,220 --> 00:08:31,589 >> I WOULD BE REMISS IF TODAY I 303 00:08:31,655 --> 00:08:32,556 DID NOT REMEMBER THE FALLEN 304 00:08:32,623 --> 00:08:33,857 HEROES OF 9/11 AND ALSO, 305 00:08:33,924 --> 00:08:35,759 TOGETHER WITH ALL OF THE MASSIVE 306 00:08:35,826 --> 00:08:37,494 LEGION OF FANS ACROSS THIS 307 00:08:37,561 --> 00:08:39,229 COUNTRY, IF WE DO NOT WISH 308 00:08:39,296 --> 00:08:40,397 MARIA BARTIROMO A HAPPY 309 00:08:40,464 --> 00:08:43,133 BIRTHDAY. 310 00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:46,537 >> SAY A PRAYER FOR ALL WHO WERE 311 00:08:46,604 --> 00:08:49,006 LOST, THANK A COP AND A FIREMAN, 312 00:08:49,073 --> 00:08:50,140 AND TO YOU, MARIA, 313 00:08:50,207 --> 00:08:52,676 HAPPY BIRTHDAY. 314 00:08:52,743 --> 00:08:54,478 >> LET'S NOT DO THAT NOW ‐‐ 315 00:08:54,545 --> 00:08:57,448 I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. 316 00:08:57,514 --> 00:08:58,282 THANK YOU. 317 00:08:58,349 --> 00:08:59,917 THANK YOU SO MUCH. 318 00:08:59,984 --> 00:09:01,585 THANK YOU. 319 00:09:01,652 --> 00:09:04,555 I HAVE THE WORST BIRTHDAY EVER. 320 00:09:04,622 --> 00:09:05,889 MY HUSBAND CALLS IT THE 321 00:09:05,956 --> 00:09:07,091 INTERNATIONAL DAY OF SADNESS ALL 322 00:09:07,157 --> 00:09:07,725 THE TIME. 323 00:09:07,791 --> 00:09:11,895 BUT I APPRECIATE YOU THINKING OF 324 00:09:11,962 --> 00:09:12,563 ME ON THIS ‐‐ 325 00:09:12,630 --> 00:09:14,164 IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY FIRST. 326 00:09:14,231 --> 00:09:16,200 >> John: MOVING ON. 327 00:09:16,266 --> 00:09:17,167 OUR MAIN STORY TONIGHT CONCERNS 328 00:09:17,234 --> 00:09:19,036 IMMIGRATION. 329 00:09:19,103 --> 00:09:20,604 IT'S THE SYSTEM THAT BROUGHT YOU 330 00:09:20,671 --> 00:09:21,238 ALBERT EINSTEIN, YO‐YO MA, AND 331 00:09:21,305 --> 00:09:22,773 ME. 332 00:09:22,840 --> 00:09:24,174 AND YES, OBVIOUSLY: FUCK, MARRY, 333 00:09:24,241 --> 00:09:27,277 AND KILL, RESPECTIVELY. 334 00:09:27,344 --> 00:09:29,146 IMMIGRATION IS THE SUBJECT THAT 335 00:09:29,213 --> 00:09:29,813 TRUMP CAMPAIGNED ON THE HARDEST, 336 00:09:29,880 --> 00:09:31,248 AND AS PRESIDENT, HIS TONE 337 00:09:31,315 --> 00:09:32,650 HASN'T EXACTLY SOFTENED. 338 00:09:32,716 --> 00:09:34,218 >> I TOLD MY PEOPLE YESTERDAY, 339 00:09:34,284 --> 00:09:35,986 OUR COUNTRY IS FULL. 340 00:09:36,053 --> 00:09:37,621 WE'RE FULL, OUR SYSTEM IS FULL, 341 00:09:37,688 --> 00:09:38,222 OUR COUNTRY IS FULL. 342 00:09:38,288 --> 00:09:39,189 CAN'T COME IN. 343 00:09:39,256 --> 00:09:40,591 OUR COUNTRY IS FULL. 344 00:09:40,658 --> 00:09:45,329 WHAT CAN YOU DO? 345 00:09:45,396 --> 00:09:46,397 WE CAN'T HANDLE ANY MORE. 346 00:09:46,463 --> 00:09:46,964 OUR COUNTRY IS FULL. 347 00:09:47,031 --> 00:09:47,731 CAN'T COME IN. 348 00:09:47,798 --> 00:09:48,265 I'M SORRY. 349 00:09:48,332 --> 00:09:49,233 >> John: HE'S RIGHT. 350 00:09:49,299 --> 00:09:50,234 OUR COUNTRY IS TOTALLY FULL. 351 00:09:50,300 --> 00:09:52,736 I MEAN, JUST LOOK AT IT. 352 00:09:52,803 --> 00:09:55,372 THE THING IS ABSOLUTELY PACKED. 353 00:09:55,439 --> 00:09:56,040 THERE'S SIMPLY NO ROOM HERE. 354 00:09:56,106 --> 00:09:57,041 I MEAN, MAYBE IF ONE OF THESE 355 00:09:57,107 --> 00:09:58,909 GUYS DIES OR SOMETHING, BUT 356 00:09:58,976 --> 00:09:59,877 UNTIL THEN, THERE'S JUST NOTHING 357 00:09:59,943 --> 00:10:00,844 WE CAN DO. 358 00:10:00,911 --> 00:10:01,512 BUT IT'S OBVIOUSLY NOT THAT 359 00:10:01,578 --> 00:10:02,613 SIMPLE. 360 00:10:02,680 --> 00:10:03,881 AND IN TRUMP'S MORE REFLECTIVE 361 00:10:03,947 --> 00:10:06,417 MOMENTS, SEEN HERE, HE ACTUALLY 362 00:10:06,483 --> 00:10:09,119 CLAIMS THERE'S ONE KIND OF 363 00:10:09,186 --> 00:10:09,787 IMMIGRATION THAT HE WANTS: 364 00:10:09,853 --> 00:10:10,721 LEGAL IMMIGRATION. 365 00:10:10,788 --> 00:10:11,955 IT'S THE THING THAT HE AND HIS 366 00:10:12,022 --> 00:10:14,758 POLITICAL ALLIES WILL TELL YOU 367 00:10:14,825 --> 00:10:15,259 THEY LOVE. 368 00:10:15,325 --> 00:10:16,126 >> I WANT LEGAL IMMIGRATION. 369 00:10:16,193 --> 00:10:18,195 I WANT GREAT PEOPLE TO COME IN. 370 00:10:18,262 --> 00:10:18,929 I WANT LEGAL IMMIGRATION! 371 00:10:18,996 --> 00:10:20,030 >> I BELIEVE LEGAL IMMIGRATION 372 00:10:20,097 --> 00:10:21,331 IS GOOD FOR OUR COUNTRY. 373 00:10:21,398 --> 00:10:22,433 I BELIEVE ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION 374 00:10:22,499 --> 00:10:24,268 ISN'T. 375 00:10:24,334 --> 00:10:25,602 >> MY VIEWS ON IMMIGRATION ARE 376 00:10:25,669 --> 00:10:26,804 SIMPLE AND I'VE SUMMED THEM UP 377 00:10:26,870 --> 00:10:30,541 MANY TIMES IN JUST FOUR WORDS: 378 00:10:30,607 --> 00:10:33,677 LEGAL, GOOD, ILLEGAL, BAD. 379 00:10:33,744 --> 00:10:34,545 >> John: I DO NOT LIKE THAT MAN 380 00:10:34,611 --> 00:10:36,080 TED CRUZ. 381 00:10:36,146 --> 00:10:38,682 I DO NOT LIKE HIM IN THE NEWS. 382 00:10:38,749 --> 00:10:40,517 I DO NOT LIKE WHAT HE JUST SAID, 383 00:10:40,584 --> 00:10:42,820 I DO NOT LIKE HIS BOXY HEAD. 384 00:10:42,886 --> 00:10:44,455 I DO NOT LIKE HIM WEARING 385 00:10:44,521 --> 00:10:45,789 GLASSES, I DO NOT LIKE HIM 386 00:10:45,856 --> 00:10:46,857 KISSING ASSES. 387 00:10:46,924 --> 00:10:48,792 I WISH HE'D NEVER GET ONE VOTE. 388 00:10:48,859 --> 00:10:49,526 THAT MAN TED CRUZ CAN LICK MY 389 00:10:49,593 --> 00:10:56,533 SCROTE. 390 00:10:56,600 --> 00:10:57,367 HERE'S THE THING, 391 00:10:57,434 --> 00:10:58,469 BUT IF WE TAKE ALL OF THEM AT 392 00:10:58,535 --> 00:10:59,269 THEIR WORD, WE ACTUALLY AGREE: 393 00:10:59,336 --> 00:11:00,738 LEGAL IMMIGRATION IS GOOD. 394 00:11:00,804 --> 00:11:02,072 THAT'S A POPULAR OPINION, BOTH 395 00:11:02,139 --> 00:11:03,974 AMONG THOSE WHO SEE IMMIGRATION 396 00:11:04,041 --> 00:11:05,142 AS FOUNDATIONAL TO AMERICA, AND 397 00:11:05,209 --> 00:11:06,610 AMONG ECONOMISTS, WHO LARGELY 398 00:11:06,677 --> 00:11:07,478 AGREE THAT IT INCREASES ECONOMIC 399 00:11:07,544 --> 00:11:09,646 GROWTH. 400 00:11:09,713 --> 00:11:11,315 ABOUT 13% OF THE PEOPLE IN THIS 401 00:11:11,381 --> 00:11:12,516 COUNTRY ARE IMMIGRANTS, 402 00:11:12,583 --> 00:11:13,550 THREE‐QUARTERS OF WHOM ARE HERE 403 00:11:13,617 --> 00:11:15,385 LEGALLY. 404 00:11:15,452 --> 00:11:16,186 SO THIS SYSTEM AFFECTS A LOT OF 405 00:11:16,253 --> 00:11:16,754 PEOPLE. 406 00:11:16,820 --> 00:11:18,388 AND WITH ALL THE TALK ABOUT 407 00:11:18,455 --> 00:11:20,390 "ILLEGAL" IMMIGRATION, THE FLAWS 408 00:11:20,457 --> 00:11:21,759 IN THE LEGAL PATHWAY ‐‐ WHICH 409 00:11:21,825 --> 00:11:22,960 ARGUABLY HELP FUEL ILLEGAL 410 00:11:23,026 --> 00:11:23,761 IMMIGRATION ‐‐ OFTEN GET 411 00:11:23,827 --> 00:11:25,162 IGNORED. 412 00:11:25,229 --> 00:11:26,363 SO TONIGHT, LET'S TALK ABOUT OUR 413 00:11:26,430 --> 00:11:28,098 LEGAL IMMIGRATION SYSTEM. 414 00:11:28,165 --> 00:11:29,900 BECAUSE THERE ARE A LOT OF 415 00:11:29,967 --> 00:11:31,301 MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT A PROCESS 416 00:11:31,368 --> 00:11:32,636 THAT, TO BE FAIR, MOST AMERICANS 417 00:11:32,703 --> 00:11:33,871 HAVE NEVER EXPERIENCED. 418 00:11:33,937 --> 00:11:35,439 AND A KEY MISCONCEPTION IS 419 00:11:35,506 --> 00:11:37,107 CAPTURED IN A PHRASE YOU HEAR 420 00:11:37,174 --> 00:11:38,408 ALL THE TIME, BOTH FROM 421 00:11:38,475 --> 00:11:39,176 POLITICIANS AND FROM ORDINARY 422 00:11:39,243 --> 00:11:41,612 VOTERS. 423 00:11:41,678 --> 00:11:42,746 >> WE WANT TO LET PEOPLE IN 424 00:11:42,813 --> 00:11:43,914 LEGALLY. 425 00:11:43,981 --> 00:11:44,748 GET IN LINE AND WE WANT TO LET 426 00:11:44,815 --> 00:11:46,350 PEOPLE IN LEGALLY. 427 00:11:46,416 --> 00:11:47,417 >> THEY HAVE TO DO IT THE RIGHT 428 00:11:47,484 --> 00:11:48,719 WAY. 429 00:11:48,786 --> 00:11:49,853 THEY HAVE TO GET IN LINE. 430 00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:51,321 >> COME LEGALLY AND WAIT IN 431 00:11:51,388 --> 00:11:52,489 LINE LIKE ALL OF THEM. 432 00:11:52,556 --> 00:11:53,924 >> THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE 433 00:11:53,991 --> 00:11:55,626 FROM ALL AROUND THE WORLD THAT 434 00:11:55,692 --> 00:11:57,828 ARE IN LINE AND WAITING TO COME 435 00:11:57,895 --> 00:12:00,798 IN HERE, AND I DON'T THINK THAT 436 00:12:00,864 --> 00:12:02,065 THEY SHOULD BE ABLE TO COME IN 437 00:12:02,132 --> 00:12:02,933 AHEAD OF ALL THESE PEOPLE THAT 438 00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:04,468 HAVE BEEN REALLY STRUGGLING TO 439 00:12:04,535 --> 00:12:06,870 GET HERE. 440 00:12:06,937 --> 00:12:07,938 >> John: RIGHT, "GET IN LINE". 441 00:12:08,005 --> 00:12:08,939 AND LOOK, THAT'S AN APPEALING 442 00:12:09,006 --> 00:12:10,107 PHRASE, BUT IT'S SIGNIFICANTLY 443 00:12:10,174 --> 00:12:11,074 MORE COMPLICATED THAN 444 00:12:11,141 --> 00:12:13,510 THAT, AS YOU COULD PROBABLY TELL 445 00:12:13,577 --> 00:12:14,478 FROM THAT WOMAN'S REACTION, I'M 446 00:12:14,545 --> 00:12:15,245 GUESSING THE CLOSED CAPTIONING 447 00:12:15,312 --> 00:12:17,581 FOR WHICH IS PROBABLY, 448 00:12:17,648 --> 00:12:19,216 "WOMAN THINKING, 'THE FUCK?'" 449 00:12:19,283 --> 00:12:21,351 BECAUSE THE TRUTH IS, FOR THOSE 450 00:12:21,418 --> 00:12:24,621 WHO WANT TO COME HERE, THERE IS 451 00:12:24,688 --> 00:12:25,489 NO ONE LINE TO GET IN, THE LINES 452 00:12:25,556 --> 00:12:26,590 THAT DO EXIST CAN BE 453 00:12:26,657 --> 00:12:27,891 PROHIBITIVELY LONG OR HAVE 454 00:12:27,958 --> 00:12:31,829 SUDDEN DEAD ENDS, AND FOR MANY 455 00:12:31,895 --> 00:12:33,730 PEOPLE ‐‐ AND THIS IS REALLY 456 00:12:33,797 --> 00:12:36,400 IMPORTANT ‐‐ THERE SIMPLY ISN'T 457 00:12:36,466 --> 00:12:36,934 A LINE AT ALL. 458 00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:37,901 AND IF YOU'RE THINKING, "WELL, 459 00:12:37,968 --> 00:12:38,669 MY ANCESTORS WAITED ON LINE" ‐‐ 460 00:12:38,735 --> 00:12:39,703 NOT NECESSARILY. 461 00:12:39,770 --> 00:12:40,838 FOR AMERICA'S FIRST HUNDRED 462 00:12:40,904 --> 00:12:41,705 YEARS, THERE WERE NO FEDERAL 463 00:12:41,772 --> 00:12:42,873 IMMIGRATION LAWS, SO COMING HERE 464 00:12:42,940 --> 00:12:48,579 THE "RIGHT WAY" BASICALLY JUST 465 00:12:48,645 --> 00:12:50,681 MEANT NOT AND SLIPPING AS YOU 466 00:12:50,747 --> 00:12:51,648 WALKED DOWN THE GANGWAY. 467 00:12:51,715 --> 00:12:52,616 NOW, SINCE THEN, OUR IMMIGRATION 468 00:12:52,683 --> 00:12:53,350 SYSTEM HAS EVOLVED INTO ONE WITH 469 00:12:53,417 --> 00:12:54,251 COMPLICATED AND CONVOLUTED 470 00:12:54,318 --> 00:12:55,152 RESTRICTIONS. 471 00:12:55,219 --> 00:12:56,153 TAKE COUNTRY CAPS. 472 00:12:56,220 --> 00:12:56,854 WHEN IT COMES TO MOST TYPES OF 473 00:12:56,920 --> 00:12:57,654 GREEN CARD ‐‐ WHICH ALLOW YOU TO 474 00:12:57,721 --> 00:12:59,356 BE A LAWFUL, PERMANENT 475 00:12:59,423 --> 00:13:01,291 RESIDENT ‐‐ NO MORE THAN 7% OF 476 00:13:01,358 --> 00:13:02,159 IMMIGRANTS ACCEPTED EACH YEAR 477 00:13:02,226 --> 00:13:04,394 CAN COME FROM ANY ONE COUNTRY. 478 00:13:04,461 --> 00:13:06,663 WHAT THAT MEANS IS THAT BIG 479 00:13:06,730 --> 00:13:07,965 COUNTRIES, WITH A LOT OF 480 00:13:08,031 --> 00:13:09,399 WOULD‐BE IMMIGRANTS, LIKE 481 00:13:09,466 --> 00:13:11,468 CHINA, INDIA, AND MEXICO, ARE 482 00:13:11,535 --> 00:13:13,203 SUBJECT TO THE SAME NUMERICAL 483 00:13:13,270 --> 00:13:15,839 CAPS AS TINY ONES LIKE MALTA, 484 00:13:15,906 --> 00:13:16,840 WHICH IS SO TINY, THAT'S ACTUAL 485 00:13:16,907 --> 00:13:18,408 SIZE. 486 00:13:18,475 --> 00:13:20,477 IN FACT, THAT'S ACTUALLY MALTA. 487 00:13:20,544 --> 00:13:31,121 WE BORROWED IT, AND PUT IT IN 488 00:13:31,188 --> 00:13:32,155 THIS BOX TO SHOW YOU HOW SMALL 489 00:13:32,222 --> 00:13:32,890 MALTA IS. 490 00:13:32,956 --> 00:13:33,824 AND IT'S NOT JUST NUMERICAL 491 00:13:33,891 --> 00:13:34,825 CAPS. 492 00:13:34,892 --> 00:13:35,592 THE WHOLE SYSTEM HAS A LOT OF 493 00:13:35,659 --> 00:13:36,426 RESTRICTIONS ON WHO EXACTLY 494 00:13:36,493 --> 00:13:37,361 CAN COME HERE. 495 00:13:37,427 --> 00:13:38,629 IN FACT, THE BEST WAY TO 496 00:13:38,695 --> 00:13:39,329 UNDERSTAND IT IS THAT THERE ARE 497 00:13:39,396 --> 00:13:40,530 JUST FOUR PATHS TO PERMANENT 498 00:13:40,597 --> 00:13:41,265 RESIDENCY OR CITIZENSHIP: 499 00:13:41,331 --> 00:13:42,332 FAMILY ‐‐ YOU'RE RELATED TO 500 00:13:42,399 --> 00:13:43,400 SOMEONE WHO'S ALREADY HERE; 501 00:13:43,467 --> 00:13:44,334 EMPLOYMENT ‐‐ MEANING YOU WERE 502 00:13:44,401 --> 00:13:45,202 OFFERED A JOB HERE; GOOD LUCK ‐‐ 503 00:13:45,269 --> 00:13:46,136 YOU WON THE VISA LOTTERY, WHICH 504 00:13:46,203 --> 00:13:47,471 I'LL EXPLAIN LATER; OR BAD LUCK 505 00:13:47,537 --> 00:13:48,305 ‐‐ YOU'RE A REFUGEE OR SEEKING 506 00:13:48,372 --> 00:13:49,273 ASYLUM. 507 00:13:49,339 --> 00:13:53,844 AND THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE GOING 508 00:13:53,911 --> 00:13:54,745 THROUGH EACH PATH IS BY NO MEANS 509 00:13:54,811 --> 00:13:55,545 EQUAL. 510 00:13:55,612 --> 00:13:58,148 PROPORTIONALLY, THEY SHOULD LOOK 511 00:13:58,215 --> 00:13:59,149 A LOT MORE LIKE THIS. 512 00:13:59,216 --> 00:14:00,250 SO LET'S START WITH THE WAY MOST 513 00:14:00,317 --> 00:14:00,717 IMMIGRANTS COME HERE: 514 00:14:00,784 --> 00:14:01,451 FAMILY SPONSORSHIP. 515 00:14:01,518 --> 00:14:02,119 ABOUT TWO‐THIRDS OF GREEN CARD 516 00:14:02,185 --> 00:14:03,020 HOLDERS COME THROUGH 517 00:14:03,086 --> 00:14:04,121 THE FAMILY‐BASED SYSTEM, 518 00:14:04,187 --> 00:14:04,621 WHICH MAKES SENSE. 519 00:14:04,688 --> 00:14:05,989 FAMILIES PROVIDE SUPPORT, AND 520 00:14:06,056 --> 00:14:08,725 SOME, I'M TOLD, LIKE EACH OTHER. 521 00:14:08,792 --> 00:14:11,561 BUT TO TRUMP, FAMILY‐BASED 522 00:14:11,628 --> 00:14:13,430 MIGRATION IS A SCOURGE, AS YOU 523 00:14:13,497 --> 00:14:14,331 CAN TELL FROM HOW HE REFERS TO 524 00:14:14,398 --> 00:14:16,767 IT. 525 00:14:16,833 --> 00:14:18,035 >> CHAIN MIGRATION IS NOT A GOOD 526 00:14:18,101 --> 00:14:19,670 THING. 527 00:14:19,736 --> 00:14:22,005 CHAIN MIGRATION IS BAD. 528 00:14:22,072 --> 00:14:22,806 >> WE HAVE TO END CHAIN 529 00:14:22,873 --> 00:14:23,540 MIGRATION. 530 00:14:23,607 --> 00:14:24,374 >> THEN YOU HAVE CHAIN 531 00:14:24,441 --> 00:14:26,243 MIGRATION. 532 00:14:26,310 --> 00:14:30,013 CHAIN MIGRATION. 533 00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:31,348 A GUY COMES IN ‐‐ STONE‐COLD 534 00:14:31,415 --> 00:14:33,784 KILLER, IN MANY CASES. 535 00:14:33,850 --> 00:14:36,687 A GUY COMES IN, AND THEN YOU 536 00:14:36,753 --> 00:14:37,821 HAVE TO BRING HIS AUNT, 537 00:14:37,888 --> 00:14:38,855 HIS UNCLE, HIS FATHER, HIS 538 00:14:38,922 --> 00:14:42,125 GRANDFATHER, HIS GRANDPARENTS. 539 00:14:42,192 --> 00:14:44,361 HIS THIRD NIECE BY A 540 00:14:44,428 --> 00:14:47,397 DIFFERENT MARRIAGE... 541 00:14:47,464 --> 00:14:49,333 >> John: THAT IS SO WRONG IN SO 542 00:14:49,399 --> 00:14:50,734 MANY WAYS, IT WOULD HONESTLY BE 543 00:14:50,801 --> 00:14:51,435 HARD FOR A FACT‐CHECKER 544 00:14:51,501 --> 00:14:52,869 TO ASSESS IT. 545 00:14:52,936 --> 00:14:53,837 THAT COULDN'T EVEN BE DESCRIBED 546 00:14:53,904 --> 00:14:54,638 BY "THE WASHINGTON POST"'S 547 00:14:54,705 --> 00:14:58,642 "BOTTOMLESS PINOCCHIO." 548 00:14:58,709 --> 00:14:59,576 WHICH IS AN ACTUAL THING THEY DO 549 00:14:59,643 --> 00:15:00,410 NOW, AND WHICH, FOR THE RECORD, 550 00:15:00,477 --> 00:15:01,378 SOUNDS LIKE AN ALL‐NUDE STRIP 551 00:15:01,445 --> 00:15:03,981 CLUB FOR WOODEN PUPPETS. 552 00:15:04,047 --> 00:15:05,983 BECAUSE BRINGING FAMILY MEMBERS 553 00:15:06,049 --> 00:15:07,351 OVER IS NOT NEARLY AS EASY AS 554 00:15:07,417 --> 00:15:08,752 TRUMP MAKES IT SOUND. 555 00:15:08,819 --> 00:15:10,520 FOR A START, YOU CAN ONLY 556 00:15:10,587 --> 00:15:13,290 SPONSOR "CLOSE" RELATIVES ‐‐ AT 557 00:15:13,357 --> 00:15:14,391 MOST, THAT'S A SPOUSE, CHILD, 558 00:15:14,458 --> 00:15:15,993 SIBLING, OR PARENT. 559 00:15:16,059 --> 00:15:18,061 NO AUNT, NO UNCLE, NO 560 00:15:18,128 --> 00:15:19,229 GRANDPARENTS, NO THIRD NIECE BY 561 00:15:19,296 --> 00:15:21,865 A DIFFERENT MARRIAGE. 562 00:15:21,932 --> 00:15:23,467 AND ANYONE WHO COMES IN HAS TO 563 00:15:23,533 --> 00:15:24,568 PASS RIGOROUS BACKGROUND CHECKS, 564 00:15:24,634 --> 00:15:25,435 WHICH TENDS TO WEED OUT ANY 565 00:15:25,502 --> 00:15:28,005 "STONE‐COLD KILLERS." 566 00:15:28,071 --> 00:15:29,773 AND THAT CHAIN, AS YOU 567 00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:30,907 DEFINITELY SHOULD NOT PUT IT, 568 00:15:30,974 --> 00:15:32,809 CAN MOVE VERY SLOWLY. 569 00:15:32,876 --> 00:15:34,845 BECAUSE THOSE COUNTRY CAPS 570 00:15:34,911 --> 00:15:36,146 THAT I MENTIONED APPLY TO MANY 571 00:15:36,213 --> 00:15:37,280 CATEGORIES OF FAMILY‐BASED 572 00:15:37,347 --> 00:15:38,348 IMMIGRATION. 573 00:15:38,415 --> 00:15:40,117 SO IF YOU'RE TRYING TO BRING 574 00:15:40,183 --> 00:15:41,685 YOUR SIBLING OVER FROM CHINA, 575 00:15:41,752 --> 00:15:42,719 THE GOVERNMENT IS CURRENTLY 576 00:15:42,786 --> 00:15:44,187 PROCESSING APPLICATIONS FROM 577 00:15:44,254 --> 00:15:45,422 2006. 578 00:15:45,489 --> 00:15:46,857 IF THEY'RE IN INDIA, 2004. 579 00:15:46,923 --> 00:15:48,859 FROM MEXICO? 580 00:15:48,925 --> 00:15:51,595 JANUARY OF 1997. 581 00:15:51,661 --> 00:15:54,898 THAT'S 22 YEARS AGO! 582 00:15:54,965 --> 00:15:59,102 AND WHO KNOWS WHAT THEY'LL BE 583 00:15:59,169 --> 00:16:00,237 DOING 22 YEARS IN ADVANCE. 584 00:16:00,303 --> 00:16:01,304 ASIDE, OF COURSE, FROM 585 00:16:01,371 --> 00:16:02,272 PAT SAJAK. 586 00:16:02,339 --> 00:16:03,040 BECAUSE I GUARANTEE HE'LL STILL 587 00:16:03,106 --> 00:16:05,275 BE STANDING BY A WHEEL, SELLING 588 00:16:05,342 --> 00:16:06,543 VOWELS HE DOESN'T OWN, UNTIL 589 00:16:06,610 --> 00:16:13,350 THE FUCKING SUN DIES. 590 00:16:13,417 --> 00:16:14,785 AND YET, THE FAMILY‐SPONSORSHIP 591 00:16:14,851 --> 00:16:15,385 SYSTEM IS STILL SEEMINGLY TOO 592 00:16:15,452 --> 00:16:16,386 PERMISSIVE FOR TRUMP, WHO WANTS 593 00:16:16,453 --> 00:16:17,687 TO LIMIT IT TO JUST SPOUSES AND 594 00:16:17,754 --> 00:16:18,889 CHILDREN, MEANING YOU COULD NO 595 00:16:18,955 --> 00:16:20,891 LONGER SPONSOR, FOR INSTANCE, 596 00:16:20,957 --> 00:16:22,492 YOUR PARENTS TO IMMIGRATE HERE. 597 00:16:22,559 --> 00:16:24,428 ALTHOUGH INTERESTINGLY, HE SEEMS 598 00:16:24,494 --> 00:16:25,595 FINE WITH ONE HIGH‐PROFILE 599 00:16:25,662 --> 00:16:26,663 EXCEPTION. 600 00:16:26,730 --> 00:16:28,799 >> PRESIDENT TRUMP'S IN‐LAWS 601 00:16:28,865 --> 00:16:29,666 SLIPPING IN AND OUT OF AN 602 00:16:29,733 --> 00:16:32,302 MANHATTAN FEDERAL BUILDING WHERE 603 00:16:32,369 --> 00:16:33,403 THEY TOOK THE OATH OF U. S. 604 00:16:33,470 --> 00:16:34,371 CITIZENSHIP. 605 00:16:34,438 --> 00:16:35,605 SOURCES TELL ABC NEWS THAT 606 00:16:35,672 --> 00:16:36,573 FIRST LADY MELANIA TRUMP 607 00:16:36,640 --> 00:16:37,908 SPONSORED HER SLOVENIAN‐BORN 608 00:16:37,974 --> 00:16:39,042 PARENTS, VIKTOR AND AMALIJA 609 00:16:39,109 --> 00:16:41,244 KNAVS. 610 00:16:41,311 --> 00:16:45,816 >> John: CHAIN MIGRATION! 611 00:16:45,882 --> 00:16:47,317 LOOK, LOOK, THAT IS OBVIOUSLY 612 00:16:47,384 --> 00:16:51,121 HYPOCRITICAL ‐‐ THAT'S OBVIOUS 613 00:16:51,188 --> 00:16:52,155 ‐‐ AND I KNOW IT'S NOT IMPORTANT 614 00:16:52,222 --> 00:16:53,023 HERE, BUT I SHOULD POINT OUT: 615 00:16:53,090 --> 00:16:54,925 MELANIA'S MOM IS 74, MAKING 616 00:16:54,991 --> 00:16:56,193 TRUMP EXACTLY ONE YEAR YOUNGER 617 00:16:56,259 --> 00:16:58,695 THAN HIS MOTHER‐IN‐LAW. 618 00:16:58,762 --> 00:16:59,896 AND WHILE THERE ARE PLENTY OF 619 00:16:59,963 --> 00:17:00,897 SPOUSES OUT THERE WHO PROBABLY 620 00:17:00,964 --> 00:17:02,499 SHOULD BE CLOSER TO THEIR 621 00:17:02,566 --> 00:17:05,969 IN‐LAWS, THAT IS SIMPLY 622 00:17:06,036 --> 00:17:09,272 NOT THE WAY TO DO IT! 623 00:17:09,339 --> 00:17:10,107 SO THAT IS THE FAMILY‐BASED PATH 624 00:17:10,173 --> 00:17:11,074 ‐‐ WHICH, OF COURSE, ONLY WORKS 625 00:17:11,141 --> 00:17:12,109 IF YOU HAVE A CLOSE RELATIVE IN 626 00:17:12,175 --> 00:17:12,876 AMERICA, AND IT FRANKLY DOESN'T 627 00:17:12,943 --> 00:17:13,477 HURT IF SHE HAPPENS TO BE IN 628 00:17:13,543 --> 00:17:14,044 A LOVELESS MARRIAGE WITH THE 629 00:17:14,111 --> 00:17:15,645 PRESIDENT. 630 00:17:15,712 --> 00:17:17,214 NOW, IF THAT IS NOT AN OPTION 631 00:17:17,280 --> 00:17:19,149 FOR YOU, YOU MIGHT TRY THE 632 00:17:19,216 --> 00:17:21,118 EMPLOYMENT‐BASED PATH. 633 00:17:21,184 --> 00:17:22,219 THE WAY THAT PATHWAY USUALLY 634 00:17:22,285 --> 00:17:23,520 BEGINS IS, AN EMPLOYER IN 635 00:17:23,587 --> 00:17:24,554 AMERICA SPONSORS YOU, AND YOU 636 00:17:24,621 --> 00:17:25,355 COME HERE ON A TEMPORARY WORK 637 00:17:25,422 --> 00:17:26,790 VISA. 638 00:17:26,857 --> 00:17:28,425 BUT IT IS TEMPORARY. 639 00:17:28,492 --> 00:17:30,527 YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO RENEW IT IF 640 00:17:30,594 --> 00:17:31,728 YOUR EMPLOYER LIKES YOU, BUT 641 00:17:31,795 --> 00:17:32,562 THERE CAN BE LIMITS ON HOW MANY 642 00:17:32,629 --> 00:17:34,131 TIMES YOU CAN DO THAT. 643 00:17:34,197 --> 00:17:35,465 AND EVEN GETTING A WORK VISA IN 644 00:17:35,532 --> 00:17:36,199 THE FIRST PLACE CAN BE VERY 645 00:17:36,266 --> 00:17:38,268 DIFFICULT. 646 00:17:38,335 --> 00:17:39,102 YOU HAVE TO FIT WITHIN NARROW 647 00:17:39,169 --> 00:17:42,038 CATEGORIES. 648 00:17:42,105 --> 00:17:43,140 THERE IS R‐1 FOR RELIGIOUS 649 00:17:43,173 --> 00:17:43,571 WORKERS. 650 00:17:43,572 --> 00:17:44,741 P‐1‐A, THAT'S FOR ATHLETES. 651 00:17:44,808 --> 00:17:47,043 H‐2‐A, THAT'S FOR FARM WORKERS. 652 00:17:47,110 --> 00:17:49,246 C‐3‐P‐O FOR EFFETE BRITISH 653 00:17:49,312 --> 00:17:50,313 ROBOTS, AND R‐2‐D‐2 FOR THEIR 654 00:17:50,380 --> 00:17:52,516 COMMON LAW HUSBANDS. 655 00:17:52,582 --> 00:17:54,918 IT'S A COMPLEX SYSTEM! 656 00:17:54,985 --> 00:17:57,387 I, MYSELF, CAME OVER ON AN 657 00:17:57,454 --> 00:17:59,222 O‐1 VISA, WHICH IS FOR 658 00:17:59,289 --> 00:18:01,525 PERSONS WITH EXTRAORDINARY 659 00:18:01,591 --> 00:18:08,031 ABILITY IN THE ARTS, AND I KNOW 660 00:18:08,098 --> 00:18:10,467 WHAT YOU'RE THINKING, AND 661 00:18:10,534 --> 00:18:11,768 I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE REALLY 662 00:18:11,835 --> 00:18:13,570 THINKING DEEP DOWN, 663 00:18:13,637 --> 00:18:14,971 AND FUCK YOU. 664 00:18:15,038 --> 00:18:16,506 CERTAIN WORK VISAS ARE SO HARD 665 00:18:16,573 --> 00:18:17,541 TO GET, HIGHLY SKILLED PEOPLE 666 00:18:17,607 --> 00:18:19,609 GET TURNED AWAY. 667 00:18:19,676 --> 00:18:20,844 TAKE KUNAL BAHL, THE FOUNDER OF 668 00:18:20,911 --> 00:18:21,711 A VERY SUCCESSFUL INDIAN COMPANY 669 00:18:21,778 --> 00:18:23,246 CALLED "SNAPDEAL." 670 00:18:23,313 --> 00:18:24,814 HE WENT TO COLLEGE IN THE U. S., 671 00:18:24,881 --> 00:18:26,283 AND JUST WATCH AS HE'S 672 00:18:26,349 --> 00:18:28,084 INTERVIEWED ONSTAGE AT A 673 00:18:28,151 --> 00:18:29,085 CONFERENCE IN INDIA, ABOUT WHY 674 00:18:29,152 --> 00:18:30,353 HE ENDED UP CREATING A COMPANY 675 00:18:30,420 --> 00:18:32,923 THERE, RATHER THAN STAYING HERE. 676 00:18:32,989 --> 00:18:35,458 >> I GOT A JOB AT MICROSOFT AND 677 00:18:35,525 --> 00:18:36,760 I WAS QUITE HAPPY, YOU KNOW, THE 678 00:18:36,826 --> 00:18:38,929 INDIAN TECH GUY WANTING TO WORK 679 00:18:38,995 --> 00:18:40,397 AT MICROSOFT AND THEY APPLIED 680 00:18:40,463 --> 00:18:42,098 FOR MY VISA, WHICH GOT REJECTED. 681 00:18:42,165 --> 00:18:43,266 NOW YOU'RE STUCK AND YOU'RE 682 00:18:43,333 --> 00:18:44,000 GETTING DEPORTED BACK TO YOUR 683 00:18:44,067 --> 00:18:45,802 COUNTRY, WHAT DO YOU DO? 684 00:18:45,869 --> 00:18:46,469 >> YOU DECIDED TO COME BACK AND 685 00:18:46,536 --> 00:18:47,470 START A COMPANY HERE. 686 00:18:47,537 --> 00:18:50,073 THANK GOD. 687 00:18:50,140 --> 00:18:51,007 >> John: OKAY, I'M GLAD THAT 688 00:18:51,074 --> 00:18:54,644 STORY WORKED OUT WELL FOR INDIA. 689 00:18:54,711 --> 00:18:56,947 BUT IT'S FRANKLY NOT A GREAT 690 00:18:57,013 --> 00:18:59,950 RESULT FOR AMERICA, WHO HELPED 691 00:19:00,016 --> 00:19:01,751 EDUCATE HIM, AND THEN, FOR SOME 692 00:19:01,818 --> 00:19:03,520 REASON, FORCED HIM TO GO 693 00:19:03,587 --> 00:19:04,154 INNOVATE SOMEWHERE ELSE INSTEAD. 694 00:19:04,221 --> 00:19:04,988 HONESTLY, I RESPECT KUNAL BAHL 695 00:19:05,055 --> 00:19:05,889 FOR NOT GOING FULL 696 00:19:05,956 --> 00:19:07,057 "PRETTY WOMAN" ON A U. S. 697 00:19:07,123 --> 00:19:08,091 IMMIGRATION OFFICE. 698 00:19:08,158 --> 00:19:09,092 "BIG MISTAKE. 699 00:19:09,159 --> 00:19:10,427 HUGE." 700 00:19:10,493 --> 00:19:12,028 AND IT'S WORTH NOTING: JUST 701 00:19:12,095 --> 00:19:13,063 GETTING A WORK VISA DOES NOT 702 00:19:13,129 --> 00:19:14,064 MEAN YOU'RE GOING TO END UP 703 00:19:14,130 --> 00:19:15,098 STAYING HERE. 704 00:19:15,165 --> 00:19:16,233 BECAUSE CONVERTING IT INTO A 705 00:19:16,299 --> 00:19:17,434 GREEN CARD CAN BE DIFFICULT TO 706 00:19:17,500 --> 00:19:18,868 PRACTICALLY IMPOSSIBLE, 707 00:19:18,935 --> 00:19:20,170 DEPENDING ON YOUR SKILL LEVEL 708 00:19:20,237 --> 00:19:21,938 AND WHERE YOU'RE FROM. 709 00:19:22,005 --> 00:19:23,673 YOU NEED YOUR EMPLOYER TO CHOOSE 710 00:19:23,740 --> 00:19:25,041 TO SPONSOR YOU AGAIN, AND THERE 711 00:19:25,108 --> 00:19:26,710 AREN'T MANY GREEN CARDS TO GO 712 00:19:26,776 --> 00:19:29,579 AROUND; ONLY AROUND 140,000 713 00:19:29,646 --> 00:19:30,914 OF THEM ARE GRANTED EVERY YEAR. 714 00:19:30,981 --> 00:19:32,782 BASICALLY, THINK OF GETTING 715 00:19:32,849 --> 00:19:34,017 A WORK VISA AS GETTING A BACK 716 00:19:34,084 --> 00:19:35,385 STAGE PASS TO SEE BTS. 717 00:19:35,452 --> 00:19:37,320 SURE, IT'LL ALLOW YOU TO HANG 718 00:19:37,387 --> 00:19:38,788 AROUND FOR A BIT, BUT YOU'RE 719 00:19:38,855 --> 00:19:39,723 PROBABLY NOT GOING TO END UP 720 00:19:39,789 --> 00:19:42,158 BECOMING PART OF THE BAND. 721 00:19:42,225 --> 00:19:44,060 AND LOOK, I CAN TELL YOU FROM 722 00:19:44,127 --> 00:19:45,762 EXPERIENCE: LIVING ON A VISA CAN 723 00:19:45,829 --> 00:19:47,330 BE VERY STRESSFUL, AND INVOLVES 724 00:19:47,397 --> 00:19:48,298 HAVING TO JUMP THROUGH ENDLESS, 725 00:19:48,365 --> 00:19:51,468 COSTLY HOOPS. 726 00:19:51,534 --> 00:19:53,169 I USED TO HAVE TO FILE FOR 727 00:19:53,236 --> 00:19:54,170 EXTENSIONS TO 728 00:19:54,237 --> 00:19:55,305 MY VISA EVERY YEAR, HOPING 729 00:19:55,372 --> 00:19:56,239 THEY'D BE GRANTED, AND HAD TO 730 00:19:56,306 --> 00:19:57,574 LEAVE THE COUNTRY EVERY 11 731 00:19:57,641 --> 00:19:58,875 MONTHS TO GO TO THE AMERICAN 732 00:19:58,942 --> 00:19:59,576 EMBASSY IN LONDON TO GET A 733 00:19:59,643 --> 00:20:00,777 PHYSICAL STAMP IN MY PASSPORT 734 00:20:00,844 --> 00:20:06,216 ALLOWING ME TO TRAVEL. 735 00:20:06,283 --> 00:20:08,351 AND I WAS CONSTANTLY, CONSTANTLY 736 00:20:08,418 --> 00:20:09,853 WORRIED I WOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO 737 00:20:09,919 --> 00:20:10,620 COME BACK. 738 00:20:10,687 --> 00:20:11,655 HERE'S THE THING: EVEN WHEN 739 00:20:11,721 --> 00:20:12,589 YOU'RE APPROVED FOR A GREEN 740 00:20:12,656 --> 00:20:13,390 CARD, THERE MIGHT NOT BE ONE 741 00:20:13,456 --> 00:20:14,457 AVAILABLE FOR YOU. 742 00:20:14,524 --> 00:20:15,458 BECAUSE THOSE COUNTRY CAPS ALSO 743 00:20:15,525 --> 00:20:16,293 APPLY TO EMPLOYMENT‐BASED 744 00:20:16,359 --> 00:20:17,460 IMMIGRATION. 745 00:20:17,527 --> 00:20:18,862 SO IF YOU COME FROM, SAY, INDIA, 746 00:20:18,928 --> 00:20:20,096 YOUR ESTIMATED WAIT TIME CAN BE 747 00:20:20,163 --> 00:20:21,298 RIDICULOUSLY HIGH. 748 00:20:21,364 --> 00:20:22,599 WATCH AS ONE BOY LIVING IN 749 00:20:22,666 --> 00:20:24,134 AMERICA FINDS OUT HOW LONG HIS 750 00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:26,670 DAD MIGHT HAVE TO WAIT. 751 00:20:26,736 --> 00:20:28,371 >> SO, YOUR DAD HAS APPLIED FOR 752 00:20:28,438 --> 00:20:29,973 A GREEN CARD FOR HIMSELF AND 753 00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:31,441 YOUR FAMILY AND THE U. S. 754 00:20:31,508 --> 00:20:32,309 GOVERNMENT LOOKED AT HIS 755 00:20:32,375 --> 00:20:33,643 APPLICATION AND APPROVED IT. 756 00:20:33,710 --> 00:20:35,178 WELL, THE PROBLEM IS THAT 757 00:20:35,245 --> 00:20:36,279 THERE'S A WAITING LINE FOR GREEN 758 00:20:36,346 --> 00:20:38,081 CARD AND THAT LINE IS REALLY 759 00:20:38,148 --> 00:20:40,684 LONG FOR INDIA. 760 00:20:40,750 --> 00:20:42,018 SO VERY WELL IT'D BE ABOUT 761 00:20:42,085 --> 00:20:43,687 60 YEARS BY THE TIME YOUR DAD 762 00:20:43,753 --> 00:20:44,888 GETS A GREEN CARD. 763 00:20:44,954 --> 00:20:46,189 AND IF I'M DOING MY MATH 764 00:20:46,256 --> 00:20:47,857 RIGHT... 765 00:20:47,924 --> 00:20:49,592 >> DAD WILL BE OVER A HUNDRED 766 00:20:49,659 --> 00:20:51,428 AND I'LL BE 71? 767 00:20:51,494 --> 00:20:52,462 >> John: WELL, NEARLY. 768 00:20:52,529 --> 00:20:54,798 YOUR DAD WILL BE DEAD. 769 00:20:54,864 --> 00:20:56,399 BUT YEAH, YOU'LL BE 71. 770 00:20:56,466 --> 00:20:56,933 OR DEAD. 771 00:20:57,000 --> 00:20:57,600 OR DEAD. 772 00:20:57,667 --> 00:20:58,501 YOU COULD BE AS DEAD AS YOUR 773 00:20:58,568 --> 00:21:03,673 VERY DEAD DAD. 774 00:21:03,740 --> 00:21:05,442 BUT OVERALL, YOUR POINT IS A 775 00:21:05,508 --> 00:21:06,109 GOOD ONE, KID. 776 00:21:06,176 --> 00:21:07,110 SO, TOGETHER, THE FAMILY AND 777 00:21:07,177 --> 00:21:07,977 EMPLOYMENT PATHS MAKE UP AROUND 778 00:21:08,044 --> 00:21:08,778 80% PERCENT OF LEGAL 779 00:21:08,845 --> 00:21:10,080 IMMIGRATION. 780 00:21:10,146 --> 00:21:11,047 BUT WHAT ABOUT IF YOU'RE NOT 781 00:21:11,114 --> 00:21:12,515 RELATED TO SOMEBODY HERE AND YOU 782 00:21:12,582 --> 00:21:13,583 AREN'T ALREADY HIGHLY SKILLED? 783 00:21:13,650 --> 00:21:14,751 WELL, THAT BRINGS US TO THE 784 00:21:14,818 --> 00:21:15,719 "LUCK" CATEGORIES. 785 00:21:15,785 --> 00:21:16,786 IF YOU'RE LUCKY, YOU COULD COME 786 00:21:16,853 --> 00:21:17,554 TO AMERICA THROUGH SOMETHING 787 00:21:17,620 --> 00:21:18,922 CALLED THE DIVERSITY VISA 788 00:21:18,988 --> 00:21:21,791 LOTTERY, WHICH I'LL LET THE 789 00:21:21,858 --> 00:21:23,093 PRESIDENT EXPLAIN SO THAT YOU 790 00:21:23,159 --> 00:21:24,027 KNOW EXACTLY WHAT IT ISN'T. 791 00:21:24,094 --> 00:21:26,363 >> THEY CALL IT "VISA LOTTERY." 792 00:21:26,429 --> 00:21:27,931 I JUST CALL IT LOTTERY, WHERE 793 00:21:27,997 --> 00:21:31,334 COUNTRIES COME IN AND THEY PUT 794 00:21:31,401 --> 00:21:32,769 NAMES IN A HOPPER ‐‐ THEY'RE 795 00:21:32,836 --> 00:21:33,703 NOT GIVING YOU THEIR BEST NAMES. 796 00:21:33,770 --> 00:21:34,537 COMMON SENSE MEANS THEY'RE NOT 797 00:21:34,604 --> 00:21:35,705 GIVING YOU THEIR BEST NAMES. 798 00:21:35,772 --> 00:21:36,473 THEY'RE GIVING YOU PEOPLE THAT 799 00:21:36,539 --> 00:21:38,274 THEY DON'T WANT AND THEN WE TAKE 800 00:21:38,341 --> 00:21:39,309 'EM OUT OF THE LOTTERY AND WHERE 801 00:21:39,376 --> 00:21:40,477 THEY DO IT BY HAND, WHERE THEY 802 00:21:40,543 --> 00:21:42,846 PUT THE HAND IN A BOWL. 803 00:21:42,912 --> 00:21:44,013 PROBABLY WHAT'S IN THEIR 804 00:21:44,080 --> 00:21:49,319 HAND ARE THE WORST OF THE WORST. 805 00:21:49,386 --> 00:21:51,121 >> John: OKAY. 806 00:21:51,187 --> 00:21:52,088 THERE'S JUST NOT TIME TO 807 00:21:52,155 --> 00:21:53,289 BREAK DOWN HOW WRONG EVERYTHING 808 00:21:53,356 --> 00:21:54,324 HE JUST SAID WAS, BUT SUFFICE IT 809 00:21:54,391 --> 00:21:59,095 TO SAY: TRUMP CAN EXPECT A VISIT 810 00:21:59,162 --> 00:22:01,865 FROM BOTTOMLESS PINOCCHIO 811 00:22:01,931 --> 00:22:02,499 ANY DAY NOW. 812 00:22:02,565 --> 00:22:03,166 BECAUSE EVERYTHING ABOUT THAT IS 813 00:22:03,233 --> 00:22:03,933 WRONG. 814 00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:05,235 THE COUNTRY THE PERSON COMES 815 00:22:05,301 --> 00:22:06,302 FROM ISN'T INVOLVED, THEY DON'T 816 00:22:06,369 --> 00:22:07,837 "GIVE" US ANYONE, THE PEOPLE WHO 817 00:22:07,904 --> 00:22:12,208 WIN ARE VETTED, AND ‐‐ 818 00:22:12,275 --> 00:22:13,143 OBVIOUSLY, ‐‐ IT'S NOT 819 00:22:13,209 --> 00:22:13,910 DONE BY HAND. 820 00:22:13,977 --> 00:22:14,844 22 MILLION PEOPLE APPLIED IN 821 00:22:14,911 --> 00:22:16,880 2017. 822 00:22:16,946 --> 00:22:18,114 DOES HE THINK WE MADE ONE OF 823 00:22:18,181 --> 00:22:19,816 THOSE SPINNING BINGO HOPPERS 824 00:22:19,883 --> 00:22:21,818 FOR 22 MILLION PING PONG BALLS? 825 00:22:21,885 --> 00:22:24,320 WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENS IS, 826 00:22:24,387 --> 00:22:25,722 ANYBODY WHO LIVES IN A COUNTRY 827 00:22:25,789 --> 00:22:27,123 WITH LOW IMMIGRATION RATES TO 828 00:22:27,190 --> 00:22:28,758 THE UNITED STATES CAN ENTER 829 00:22:28,825 --> 00:22:30,527 THEMSELVES INTO A COMPUTER‐RUN, 830 00:22:30,593 --> 00:22:32,462 NON‐BOWL‐BASED LOTTERY FOR 831 00:22:32,529 --> 00:22:33,863 THE CHANCE TO WIN SOMETHING 832 00:22:33,930 --> 00:22:35,565 CALLED A DIVERSITY VISA. 833 00:22:35,632 --> 00:22:36,733 AND OUT OF THE MILLIONS OF 834 00:22:36,800 --> 00:22:37,934 PEOPLE WHO ENTER, ONLY 835 00:22:38,001 --> 00:22:39,536 50,000 WIN. 836 00:22:39,602 --> 00:22:41,171 SO YOUR ODDS OF WINNING THAT 837 00:22:41,237 --> 00:22:42,839 LOTTERY TO COME INTO THE COUNTRY 838 00:22:42,906 --> 00:22:44,441 ARE ABOUT THE SAME AS YOUR ODDS 839 00:22:44,507 --> 00:22:45,041 OF GETTING SHOT ONCE YOU GET 840 00:22:45,108 --> 00:22:46,142 HERE. 841 00:22:46,209 --> 00:22:47,010 BASICALLY, IF YOU WIN: 842 00:22:47,076 --> 00:22:50,880 CONGRATULATIONS! 843 00:22:50,947 --> 00:22:53,650 FOR NOW. 844 00:22:53,716 --> 00:22:54,884 SO THE VISA LOTTERY IS 845 00:22:54,951 --> 00:22:56,119 THE LONGEST OF THE LONG SHOTS. 846 00:22:56,186 --> 00:22:56,986 IT'S HONESTLY BARELY WORTH EVEN 847 00:22:57,053 --> 00:22:57,987 TALKING ABOUT. 848 00:22:58,054 --> 00:22:59,489 WHICH BRINGS US TO OUR FINAL 849 00:22:59,556 --> 00:23:02,459 CATEGORY: BAD LUCK. 850 00:23:02,525 --> 00:23:03,393 THAT IS BASICALLY REFUGEES AND 851 00:23:03,460 --> 00:23:04,494 ASYLUM SEEKERS FLEEING TERRIBLE 852 00:23:04,561 --> 00:23:05,395 SITUATIONS. 853 00:23:05,462 --> 00:23:07,530 AND AMERICA HAS LONG PRIDED 854 00:23:07,597 --> 00:23:08,798 ITSELF, WITH SOME REASON, ON THE 855 00:23:08,865 --> 00:23:10,266 FACT IT'S LED THE WORLD IN TERMS 856 00:23:10,333 --> 00:23:11,434 OF REFUGEE RESETTLEMENT, 857 00:23:11,501 --> 00:23:12,368 ACCEPTING MORE REFUGEES 858 00:23:12,435 --> 00:23:14,370 ANNUALLY THAN ANY OTHER COUNTRY. 859 00:23:14,437 --> 00:23:15,972 BUT, AS YOU PROBABLY KNOW, 860 00:23:16,039 --> 00:23:18,808 TRUMP DOES NOT CARE FOR THAT. 861 00:23:18,875 --> 00:23:20,577 HE'S ATTACKED THE ASYLUM SYSTEM 862 00:23:20,643 --> 00:23:21,678 REPEATEDLY, AND WHILE OBAMA SET 863 00:23:21,744 --> 00:23:24,681 THE ANNUAL CAP ON REFUGEES AT 864 00:23:24,747 --> 00:23:26,616 110,000 IN HIS LAST YEAR IN 865 00:23:26,683 --> 00:23:29,385 OFFICE, TRUMP SLASHED IT TO 866 00:23:29,452 --> 00:23:31,321 45,000 THE NEXT YEAR, AND 867 00:23:31,387 --> 00:23:32,789 30,000 THE YEAR AFTER THAT. 868 00:23:32,856 --> 00:23:34,657 AT THIS RATE, NEXT YEAR'S CAP 869 00:23:34,724 --> 00:23:37,227 WILL BE REDUCED TO JUST ZAID. 870 00:23:37,293 --> 00:23:38,228 AT WHICH POINT TRUMP WILL 871 00:23:38,294 --> 00:23:40,497 PROBABLY MAKE HIS CAMPAIGN 872 00:23:40,563 --> 00:23:43,633 SLOGAN: "GET RID OF ZAID." 873 00:23:43,700 --> 00:23:45,001 AND IF YOU'RE THINKING TRUMP 874 00:23:45,068 --> 00:23:46,302 MIGHT HAVE A CHANGE OF HEART, IF 875 00:23:46,369 --> 00:23:48,204 HE JUST HEARD WHAT SOME OF THESE 876 00:23:48,271 --> 00:23:49,205 REFUGEES ARE FLEEING, YOU'RE 877 00:23:49,272 --> 00:23:51,207 WRONG. 878 00:23:51,274 --> 00:23:53,009 TAKE NADIA MURAD, A YAZIDI WOMAN 879 00:23:53,076 --> 00:23:53,710 WHO WAS ABDUCTED BY ISIS IN 880 00:23:53,776 --> 00:23:55,078 IRAQ. 881 00:23:55,144 --> 00:23:57,146 SHE FLED TO GERMANY AFTER THEY 882 00:23:57,213 --> 00:23:58,815 KILLED HER FAMILY, WON A NOBEL 883 00:23:58,882 --> 00:24:00,149 PRIZE FOR HER ADVOCACY, AND 884 00:24:00,216 --> 00:24:01,384 ACTUALLY GOT TO TELL HER STORY 885 00:24:01,451 --> 00:24:02,051 TO TRUMP'S FACE IN THE OVAL 886 00:24:02,118 --> 00:24:03,820 OFFICE. 887 00:24:03,887 --> 00:24:05,655 WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO SEE IS THE 888 00:24:05,722 --> 00:24:07,257 SECOND TIME SHE'S SPECIFICALLY 889 00:24:07,323 --> 00:24:08,424 MENTIONED TO HIM THAT HER 890 00:24:08,491 --> 00:24:09,425 FAMILY WAS KILLED, AND WATCH 891 00:24:09,492 --> 00:24:10,860 JUST HOW LITTLE HE'S BEEN 892 00:24:10,927 --> 00:24:12,028 LISTENING. 893 00:24:12,095 --> 00:24:14,797 >> ALL THIS HAPPENED TO ME, THEY 894 00:24:14,864 --> 00:24:16,466 KILLED MY MOM, MY SIX BROTHERS, 895 00:24:16,533 --> 00:24:17,133 THEY LEFT BEHIND THEM ‐‐ 896 00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:18,034 >> WHERE ARE THEY NOW? 897 00:24:18,101 --> 00:24:20,103 >> THEY KILLED THEM. 898 00:24:20,169 --> 00:24:22,338 >> John: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 899 00:24:22,405 --> 00:24:23,706 "WHERE ARE THEY NOW?" 900 00:24:23,773 --> 00:24:26,976 SHE JUST TOLD YOU.% 901 00:24:27,043 --> 00:24:28,945 THREE FUCKING WORDS AGO! 902 00:24:29,012 --> 00:24:29,812 THAT IS THE U. S. PRESIDENT 903 00:24:29,879 --> 00:24:30,914 DISPLAYING A LEVEL OF 904 00:24:30,980 --> 00:24:32,282 INDIFFERENCE TO HUMAN SUFFERING 905 00:24:32,348 --> 00:24:33,182 RIVALED ONLY BY ROBOTS AND 906 00:24:33,249 --> 00:24:39,455 HOUSE CATS. 907 00:24:39,522 --> 00:24:40,690 AND THEY REALLY DON'T GIVE A 908 00:24:40,757 --> 00:24:41,257 SHIT. 909 00:24:41,324 --> 00:24:42,458 AND THINGS COULD GET EVEN WORSE. 910 00:24:42,525 --> 00:24:43,760 THERE ARE NOW REPORTS THAT 911 00:24:43,826 --> 00:24:44,727 TRUMP'S WHITE HOUSE IS WEIGHING 912 00:24:44,794 --> 00:24:45,662 WHETHER TO CUT THE NUMBER OF 913 00:24:45,728 --> 00:24:46,930 REFUGEES WE ADMIT TO ZERO NEXT 914 00:24:46,996 --> 00:24:48,331 YEAR. 915 00:24:48,398 --> 00:24:49,666 AND IF THEY DO, THEN TELL ME: 916 00:24:49,732 --> 00:24:51,367 WHAT IS THE RIGHT WAY FOR 917 00:24:51,434 --> 00:24:57,874 REFUGEES TO COME IN THEN? 918 00:24:57,941 --> 00:25:00,176 AND THAT IS THE POINT HERE. 919 00:25:00,243 --> 00:25:01,911 FOR ALL OF THEIR TALK OF HOW 920 00:25:01,978 --> 00:25:06,316 FINE THEY ARE WITH LEGAL 921 00:25:06,382 --> 00:25:08,318 IMMIGRATION, THIS ADMINISTRATION 922 00:25:08,384 --> 00:25:10,053 HAS WORKED HARD TO REDUCE IT AS 923 00:25:10,119 --> 00:25:10,820 MUCH AS POSSIBLE, ACROSS THE 924 00:25:10,887 --> 00:25:11,387 BOARD. 925 00:25:11,454 --> 00:25:12,388 IN HIS FIRST YEAR, HE SUPPORTED 926 00:25:12,455 --> 00:25:13,489 A BILL THAT WOULD'VE CUT LEGAL 927 00:25:13,556 --> 00:25:14,657 IMMIGRATION INTO THIS COUNTRY BY 928 00:25:14,724 --> 00:25:15,458 HALF. 929 00:25:15,525 --> 00:25:16,626 AND WHILE THAT BILL WENT 930 00:25:16,693 --> 00:25:17,493 NOWHERE, HE'S MADE COUNTLESS 931 00:25:17,560 --> 00:25:18,728 PROCEDURAL TWEAKS GUMMING UP THE 932 00:25:18,795 --> 00:25:19,729 PROCESS FOR COMING HERE LEGALLY, 933 00:25:19,796 --> 00:25:20,830 WHICH HELPS EXPLAIN WHY THE TIME 934 00:25:20,897 --> 00:25:21,397 IT TAKES TO PROCESS AN 935 00:25:21,464 --> 00:25:22,465 APPLICATION HAS JUMPED 46% 936 00:25:22,532 --> 00:25:24,200 SINCE 2016. 937 00:25:24,267 --> 00:25:25,535 SOME IMMIGRATION ATTORNEYS ARE 938 00:25:25,602 --> 00:25:26,402 NOW CALLING THOSE CHANGES 939 00:25:26,469 --> 00:25:28,771 "THE INVISIBLE WALL." 940 00:25:28,838 --> 00:25:34,310 AND JUST LAST MONTH, HE PUT IN 941 00:25:34,377 --> 00:25:36,179 ANOTHER BRICK IN THAT WALL 942 00:25:36,245 --> 00:25:37,847 WHEN THE ADMINISTRATION ISSUED 943 00:25:37,914 --> 00:25:39,849 WHAT'S CALLED THE "PUBLIC CHARGE 944 00:25:39,916 --> 00:25:41,451 RULE," MAKING THE PATH TO 945 00:25:41,517 --> 00:25:43,119 PERMANENT RESIDENCY MUCH MORE 946 00:25:43,186 --> 00:25:44,654 DIFFICULT FOR ANY WOULD‐BE 947 00:25:44,721 --> 00:25:45,488 IMMIGRANT WHO FAILS TO MEET 948 00:25:45,555 --> 00:25:46,155 INCOME STANDARDS 949 00:25:46,222 --> 00:25:47,056 OR IS DEEMED LIKELY TO USE 950 00:25:47,123 --> 00:25:47,890 PUBLIC ASSISTANCE LIKE FOOD 951 00:25:47,957 --> 00:25:48,691 STAMPS, PUBLIC HOUSING, OR 952 00:25:48,758 --> 00:25:49,258 MEDICAID. 953 00:25:49,325 --> 00:25:53,696 THAT COULD PROFOUNDLY CHANGE WHO 954 00:25:53,763 --> 00:25:56,232 GETS TO CALL THIS COUNTRY HOME, 955 00:25:56,299 --> 00:25:57,300 ADVANTAGING THE WELL‐OFF, 956 00:25:57,367 --> 00:25:58,001 AND DISADVANTAGING 957 00:25:58,067 --> 00:25:59,002 ANYONE THEY EVEN THINK WILL 958 00:25:59,068 --> 00:25:59,569 HAVE GREATER NEEDS. 959 00:25:59,636 --> 00:26:00,536 AND WHEN KEN CUCINELLI, ACTING 960 00:26:00,603 --> 00:26:01,371 DIRECTOR OF U. S. CITIZENSHIP AND 961 00:26:01,437 --> 00:26:02,872 IMMIGRATION SERVICES, WAS ASKED 962 00:26:02,939 --> 00:26:04,674 HOW THIS COULD POSSIBLY SQUARE 963 00:26:04,741 --> 00:26:06,242 WITH AMERICA'S IDEALS, HIS 964 00:26:06,309 --> 00:26:08,378 ANSWER WASN'T GREAT. 965 00:26:08,444 --> 00:26:10,513 >> WOULD YOU ALSO AGREE THAT 966 00:26:10,580 --> 00:26:11,881 EMMA LAZARUS'S WORDS, ETCHED ON 967 00:26:11,948 --> 00:26:13,750 THE STATUE OF LIBERTY, "GIVE ME 968 00:26:13,816 --> 00:26:14,717 YOUR TIRED, YOUR POOR," ARE ALSO 969 00:26:14,784 --> 00:26:16,653 PART OF THE AMERICAN ETHOS? 970 00:26:16,719 --> 00:26:18,187 >> THEY CERTAINLY ARE. 971 00:26:18,254 --> 00:26:19,355 "GIVE ME YOUR TIRED AND YOUR 972 00:26:19,422 --> 00:26:20,723 POOR WHO CAN STAND ON THEIR OWN 973 00:26:20,790 --> 00:26:21,691 TWO FEET, AND WHO WILL NOT 974 00:26:21,758 --> 00:26:27,130 BECOME A PUBLIC CHARGE." 975 00:26:27,196 --> 00:26:27,964 >> John: HOLD ON THERE. 976 00:26:28,031 --> 00:26:28,731 THAT'S NOT WHAT IT SAYS. 977 00:26:28,798 --> 00:26:32,168 YOU CAN'T JUST ADD LINES TO A 978 00:26:32,235 --> 00:26:33,469 POEM THAT TOTALLY INVALIDATES 979 00:26:33,536 --> 00:26:33,936 ITS PREMISE. 980 00:26:34,003 --> 00:26:35,304 YOU CAN'T SAY, "IN THE WORDS OF 981 00:26:35,371 --> 00:26:36,139 EMILY DICKINSON, BECAUSE I COULD 982 00:26:36,205 --> 00:26:37,106 NOT STOP FOR DEATH, HE KINDLY 983 00:26:37,173 --> 00:26:38,041 STOPPED FOR ME, AND THEN WE 984 00:26:38,107 --> 00:26:40,109 TOTALLY FUCKED A LOT. 985 00:26:40,176 --> 00:26:44,580 DEATH HAS A BIG, FAT DICK." 986 00:26:44,647 --> 00:26:45,982 YOU CAN'T DO THAT. 987 00:26:46,049 --> 00:26:47,083 YOU'RE FUNDAMENTALLY CHANGING 988 00:26:47,150 --> 00:26:48,051 THE INTENDED MEANING. 989 00:26:48,117 --> 00:26:49,085 ALSO, IT'S NOT JUST THAT HIS 990 00:26:49,152 --> 00:26:49,686 ADDITION TO THE POEM IS 991 00:26:49,752 --> 00:26:50,653 TERRIBLE. 992 00:26:50,720 --> 00:26:51,788 IT'S THAT WHAT HE TOOK OUT IS 993 00:26:51,854 --> 00:26:52,588 REALLY IMPORTANT: 994 00:26:52,655 --> 00:26:53,723 "GIVE ME YOUR TIRED, YOUR POOR, 995 00:26:53,790 --> 00:26:55,158 YOUR HUDDLED MASSES YEARNING TO 996 00:26:55,224 --> 00:26:56,059 BREATHE FREE." 997 00:26:56,125 --> 00:26:57,393 BECAUSE AS CORNY AS IT MIGHT 998 00:26:57,460 --> 00:26:59,328 SOUND: AMERICA AT ITS BEST 999 00:26:59,395 --> 00:27:01,464 ISN'T ABOUT WHO YOU ARE WHEN YOU 1000 00:27:01,531 --> 00:27:02,331 ARRIVE, IT'S ABOUT WHO YOU WANT 1001 00:27:02,398 --> 00:27:03,466 TO BECOME. 1002 00:27:03,533 --> 00:27:06,502 THE YEARNING PART COUNTS. 1003 00:27:06,569 --> 00:27:08,538 AND THAT DOESN'T HAVE TO MEAN 1004 00:27:08,604 --> 00:27:09,472 THAT EVERYONE WHO WANTS TO COME 1005 00:27:09,539 --> 00:27:10,940 GETS TO COME. 1006 00:27:11,007 --> 00:27:12,041 BUT IF YOU'RE GOING TO SAY "GET 1007 00:27:12,108 --> 00:27:13,543 IN LINE" TO PEOPLE, YOU SHOULD 1008 00:27:13,609 --> 00:27:14,811 AT LEAST MAKE SURE THEY ACTUALLY 1009 00:27:14,877 --> 00:27:16,546 HAVE A LINE TO STAND IN. 1010 00:27:16,612 --> 00:27:18,414 AND RIGHT NOW, THESE ARE 1011 00:27:18,481 --> 00:27:20,183 THE ONLY PATHWAYS THAT EXIST. 1012 00:27:20,249 --> 00:27:21,317 AND WE SHOULD BE HAVING A 1013 00:27:21,384 --> 00:27:26,489 SERIOUS CONVERSATION ABOUT 1014 00:27:26,556 --> 00:27:27,657 WHETHER THEY WORK SMOOTHLY 1015 00:27:27,724 --> 00:27:29,459 ENOUGH ‐‐ WHICH THEY DO NOT ‐‐ 1016 00:27:29,525 --> 00:27:30,526 WHETHER THIS IS THE RIGHT 1017 00:27:30,593 --> 00:27:32,061 BALANCE BETWEEN THE CATEGORIES 1018 00:27:32,128 --> 00:27:33,463 AND WHETHER WE'VE DEFINED THE 1019 00:27:33,529 --> 00:27:33,930 CATEGORIES CORRECTLY. 1020 00:27:33,996 --> 00:27:34,964 I THINK TRUMP'S MADE IT CLEAR 1021 00:27:35,031 --> 00:27:35,798 HIS IDEAL SYSTEM IS IN TWO 1022 00:27:35,865 --> 00:27:36,966 TIERS, SPLIT EVENLY BETWEEN 1023 00:27:37,033 --> 00:27:38,000 RICH NORWEGIANS AND FUTURE 1024 00:27:38,067 --> 00:27:39,569 WIVES. 1025 00:27:39,635 --> 00:27:42,338 PERSONALLY, I THINK A LOT MORE 1026 00:27:42,405 --> 00:27:43,473 PEOPLE SHOULD BE LET IN, BUT 1027 00:27:43,539 --> 00:27:44,607 I'LL ADMIT: THIS IS SUBJECTIVE, 1028 00:27:44,674 --> 00:27:47,410 AND I AM BIASED. 1029 00:27:47,477 --> 00:27:48,878 I HAVE BEEN THROUGH THE SYSTEM, 1030 00:27:48,945 --> 00:27:49,612 AND I CAN TELL YOU IT'S ROUGH. 1031 00:27:49,679 --> 00:27:52,115 WHEN I FINALLY GOT MY GREEN 1032 00:27:52,181 --> 00:27:53,116 CARD YEARS AGO, IT WAS SENT TO 1033 00:27:53,182 --> 00:27:56,052 "THE DAILY SHOW," AND THEY 1034 00:27:56,119 --> 00:27:56,786 SURPRISED ME WITH IT AT WORK, 1035 00:27:56,853 --> 00:27:57,653 PRESENTING IT TO ME WITH A SLICE 1036 00:27:57,720 --> 00:27:58,721 OF APPLE PIE AND A BUDWEISER AS 1037 00:27:58,788 --> 00:28:02,792 A JOKE. 1038 00:28:02,859 --> 00:28:04,560 THING IS, I WAS SO RELIEVED, I 1039 00:28:04,627 --> 00:28:05,228 NEARLY BURST INTO TEARS. 1040 00:28:05,294 --> 00:28:05,862 AND THAT'S WHEN I REALIZED I'D 1041 00:28:05,928 --> 00:28:08,664 BEEN WORRIED ABOUT MY STATUS 1042 00:28:08,731 --> 00:28:12,301 EVERY SINGLE DAY. 1043 00:28:12,368 --> 00:28:13,369 AND I WAS VERY, VERY LUCKY. 1044 00:28:13,436 --> 00:28:14,904 I HAD A LOT OF HELP, AND MORE 1045 00:28:14,971 --> 00:28:16,472 IMPORTANTLY, I HAD A PATH TO 1046 00:28:16,539 --> 00:28:17,006 COME HERE. 1047 00:28:17,073 --> 00:28:17,874 IT'S THE PATH THAT'S LED US ALL 1048 00:28:17,940 --> 00:28:18,808 TO "SAD ZAZU'S MILDLY 1049 00:28:18,875 --> 00:28:20,209 INTERESTING EXPLAIN TRAIN." 1050 00:28:20,276 --> 00:28:22,178 BUT FOR MANY PEOPLE, THERE IS 1051 00:28:22,245 --> 00:28:24,514 LITERALLY NO WAY TO "COME IN THE 1052 00:28:24,580 --> 00:28:25,047 RIGHT WAY." 1053 00:28:25,114 --> 00:28:26,149 AND IF I WAS ONE OF THEM, AND 1054 00:28:26,215 --> 00:28:27,416 DONALD TRUMP TOLD ME TO JUST GET 1055 00:28:27,483 --> 00:28:29,185 IN LINE AND COME IN THE RIGHT 1056 00:28:29,252 --> 00:28:30,553 WAY, I THINK I WOULD'VE BEEN 1057 00:28:30,620 --> 00:28:31,921 WELL WITHIN MY RIGHTS TO QUOTE 1058 00:28:31,988 --> 00:28:33,723 THE OTHER IMMORTAL WORDS OF 1059 00:28:33,790 --> 00:28:35,658 EMILY DICKINSON, "HOPE IS THE 1060 00:28:35,725 --> 00:28:37,093 THING WITH FEATHERS. 1061 00:28:37,160 --> 00:28:40,530 ALSO, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE 1062 00:28:40,596 --> 00:28:41,564 TALKING ABOUT, YOU FUCKING 1063 00:28:41,631 --> 00:28:43,533 IDIOT. 1064 00:28:43,599 --> 00:28:46,636 DEATH HAS A BIG, FAT DICK." 1065 00:28:46,702 --> 00:28:49,705 AND NOW THIS: 1066 00:28:49,772 --> 00:28:51,741 >> AND NOW, PREPARE TO BE 1067 00:28:51,808 --> 00:28:53,142 INTERROGATED BY INVESTIGATION 1068 00:28:53,209 --> 00:28:54,911 DISCOVERY'S JOE KENDA. 1069 00:28:54,977 --> 00:28:57,780 >> I AM LIEUTENANT JOE KENDA. 1070 00:28:57,847 --> 00:28:59,515 I NEVER KNOW WHERE A CASE IS 1071 00:28:59,582 --> 00:29:00,817 GOING TO LEAD, BUT I WILL NEVER 1072 00:29:00,883 --> 00:29:04,086 STOP UNTIL IT'S SOLVED. 1073 00:29:04,153 --> 00:29:06,756 >> I TREAT PEOPLE FAIRLY BUT I'M 1074 00:29:06,823 --> 00:29:07,557 ALSO RUTHLESS. 1075 00:29:07,623 --> 00:29:08,424 >> I CAN BE QUITE INTIMIDATING 1076 00:29:08,491 --> 00:29:09,091 WHEN I WANT TO. 1077 00:29:09,158 --> 00:29:10,059 >> DO YOU THINK HE WALKED OUT OF 1078 00:29:10,126 --> 00:29:11,260 YOUR CAR AND RAN INTO A KNIFE 1079 00:29:11,327 --> 00:29:12,562 SIX TIMES, MIKE? 1080 00:29:12,628 --> 00:29:14,463 >> YOU WANT TO RUN THAT BY ME, 1081 00:29:14,530 --> 00:29:17,767 AARON? 1082 00:29:17,834 --> 00:29:18,234 >> YOU KNOW, MARK, I'M 1083 00:29:18,301 --> 00:29:18,801 >> YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT 1084 00:29:18,868 --> 00:29:19,202 MEANS, DON'T YOU? 1085 00:29:19,268 --> 00:29:19,936 EMBARRASSED FOR YOU. 1086 00:29:20,002 --> 00:29:22,004 >> OH, KEVIN, I'M STARTING TO 1087 00:29:22,071 --> 00:29:24,040 HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU. 1088 00:29:24,106 --> 00:29:24,640 >> OH, CHRISTOPHER, 1089 00:29:24,707 --> 00:29:25,942 I COULD KISS YOU ON THE MOUTH. 1090 00:29:26,008 --> 00:29:27,877 >> WELL, MY, MY, MY, DANNY. 1091 00:29:27,944 --> 00:29:29,946 >> WELL, MY, MY, MY. 1092 00:29:30,012 --> 00:29:32,381 >> WELL, MY, MY, MY, YOU LYING 1093 00:29:32,448 --> 00:29:32,882 LITTLE [BLEEP]. 1094 00:29:32,949 --> 00:29:33,716 >> IF IT WALKS LIKE A DUCK AND 1095 00:29:33,783 --> 00:29:37,587 QUACKS A DUCK, IT'S A DUCK. 1096 00:29:37,653 --> 00:29:38,788 >> DON'T MONKEY WAS SOMEBODY 1097 00:29:38,855 --> 00:29:39,188 ELSE'S MONKEY. 1098 00:29:39,255 --> 00:29:40,423 >> THERE IS A TOOTH FAIRY, MAYBE 1099 00:29:40,489 --> 00:29:41,157 THERE'S A BLOOD FAIRY. 1100 00:29:41,224 --> 00:29:41,791 >> WHEN I LEAVE HERE, I'M GOING 1101 00:29:41,858 --> 00:29:42,625 TO HAVE SOMEONE'S ASS IN MY 1102 00:29:42,692 --> 00:29:43,192 BRIEFCASE. 1103 00:29:43,259 --> 00:29:46,395 >> I DON'T TRUST ANYBODY. 1104 00:29:46,462 --> 00:29:47,096 I DON'T TRUST MY MOTHER AND 1105 00:29:47,163 --> 00:29:48,764 SHE'S BEEN DEAD FOR 11 YEARS. 1106 00:29:48,831 --> 00:29:49,398 >> John: THAT'S OUR SHOW, THANK 1107 00:29:49,465 --> 00:29:50,366 YOU SO MUCH FOR WATCHING! 1108 00:29:50,433 --> 00:29:51,067 WE'LL BE OFF NEXT WEEK 1109 00:29:51,133 --> 00:29:52,068 FOR THE EMMYS BUT WE'LL BE BACK 1110 00:29:52,134 --> 00:29:52,602 THE WEEK AFTER THAT. 1111 00:29:52,668 --> 00:29:53,669 GOOD NIGHT!