♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
John: WELCOME, WELCOME,
WELCOME TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT!"
I'M JOHN OLIVER.
THANKS SO MUCH FOR JOINING US.
IT'S BEEN A BUSY WEEK.
THE ICC PUT OUT A WARRANT FOR
PUTIN'S ARREST, JOE BIDEN OPENED
UP FEDERAL LANDS IN ALASKA FOR
DRILLING, DESPITE SPECIFICALLY
PROMISING HE WOULDN'T, AND TRUMP
CLAIMED HE MIGHT GET ARRESTED
NEXT WEEK.
AND IF YOU'RE WONDERING HOW HE'S
DOING, DON'T WORRY, BECAUSE IN
THIS VIDEO "HE RELEASED,"
DIRECTED TOWARD FARMERS, IT
SEEMS LIKE HE'S DOING GREAT.
I MADE FARMERS HAPPY AND RICH
AGAIN, AND THEY'RE DOING A
FANTASTIC JOB, AND YOU KNOW
WHAT?
SOMEDAY, IT'LL BECOME TIME FOR
THEM TO LEAVE THIS BEAUTIFUL
EARTH, AND THEY'LL BE ABLE TO
LEAVE THEIR FARM WITHOUT TAXES,
TO THEIR CHILDREN.
I GOT RID OF THE DEATH TAX ON
FARMS SO THAT WHEN YOU DO PASS
AWAY ON THE ASSUMPTION THAT YOU
LOVE YOUR CHILDREN, YOU CAN
LEAVE IT TO THEM AND THEY WON'T
HAVE TO PAY TAX.
BUT IF YOU DON'T LOVE YOUR
CHILDREN SO MUCH AND THERE ARE
SOME PEOPLE THAT DON'T, AND
MAYBE DESERVEDLY SO, IT WON'T
MATTER BECAUSE FRANKLY, YOU
DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE THEM
ANYTHING.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
HAVE FUN.
John: I MEAN.
HE'S STILL GOT IT!
AND BY IT, I MEAN WHATEVER IT IS
THAT'S SO DEEPLY WRONG WITH HIS
BRAIN.
DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH YOU HAVE TO
HATE YOUR KIDS TO GET DISTRACTED
BY THAT THOUGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF
A POLITICAL SPEECH?
"WE SHOULD HAVE PULLED OUT
TROOPS FROM THE REGION SOONER.
SPEAKING OF REGRETTING NOT
PULLING OUT SOONER, DON JR."
AND THEY SHOT THAT WITH TWO
CAMERAS!
THEY CUT SOMETHING OUT THERE,
AND GIVEN WHAT THEY KEPT IN, I'M
DYING TO KNOW WHAT IT WAS.
AND THEN TO STICK THE LANDING
WITH "HAVE FUN?"
IT'S IMPECCABLE.
IT'S ALL JUST IMPECCABLE.
BUT THIS WEEK'S BEEN DOMINATED
BY THE CONTINUING FALLOUT OF THE
COLLAPSE OF SILICON VALLEY BANK.
EARLY MONDAY, BIDEN SPOKE OUT TO
TRY AND STEM ANY PANIC.
PRESIDENT BIDEN SOUGHT TO
ASSURE THE COUNTRY BEFORE
MARKETS OPENED THIS MORNING.
AMERICANS CAN HAVE CONFIDENCE
THAT THE BANKING SYSTEM IS SAFE.
THE NEWS IS WELCOME RELIEF
FOR BEN KAUFMAN, FOUNDER AND CEO
OF KIDS' STORE CAMP.
MOST OF HIS COMPANY'S MONEY WAS
IN SVB WHEN THE BANK WENT UNDER.
DESPERATE TO RAISE CASH, HIS
COMPANY SLASHED PRICES BY 40%.
WE SENT OUT AN EMAIL WITH A
DISCOUNT CODE.
THE CODE WAS "BANK RUN."
John: OKAY, I SEE WHAT HE'S
DOING THERE.
BUT IF YOU WEREN'T FOLLOWING THE
NEWS, GETTING AN EMAIL WITH THE
DISCOUNT CODE "BANK RUN" IS
PRETTY ALARMING.
"HEY, HONEY, REMEMBER THAT
LITTLE SHOP WHERE WE GOT A
BIRTHDAY PRESENT FOR YOUR NIECE?
THEY'RE OFFERING 70% OFF WITH
THE PROMO CODE: LAST RESORT THE
WORLD IS ON FIRE.
IS EVERYTHING OKAY?"
DO WE NEED TO TURN ON THE NEWS?
YOU'VE PROBABLY SEEN A BUNCH OF
EXPLAINERS THIS WEEK, SO I WON'T
BORE YOU WITH EVERY LITTLE
DETAIL.
BUT BROADLY SPEAKING, SVB HAD
INVESTED A LOT OF ITS CUSTOMERS'
MONEY IN LONG-TERM TREASURY
BONDS.
BUT AS THE FED SHARPLY RAISED
INTEREST RATES, THOSE BONDS LOST
VALUE.
AND WHEN THE BANK SOLD A LOT OF
ITS SECURITIES AT A HUGE LOSS,
ITS CUSTOMERS PANICKED, AND
THERE WAS A STAMPEDE FOR THE
EXITS.
IT'S ESSENTIALLY A CLASSIC STORY
OF A BANK DOING A LOUSY JOB OF
JUDGING AND HEDGING AGAINST
RISKS.
ALTHOUGH, IF YOU'RE FOX NEWS,
THERE IS ANOTHER EXPLANATION.
SILICON VALLEY BANK IS A WOKE
BIDEN BANK.
NOW, SVB WAS CALIFORNIA'S
WOKE, TRENDY BANK.
HERE'S MY CONCERN, THIS IS A
WOKE BANK.
DID SILICON VALLEY BANK GET
WOKE AND GO BROKE?
John: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT?
THAT IS SO STUPID I'M ALMOST
JEALOUS.
BECAUSE IT MUST BE SO NICE FOR
THEM, TO BE ABLE TO
AUTOMATICALLY BLAME EVERYTHING
THEY DON'T LIKE OR UNDERSTAND ON
WOKENESS.
"IT RAINED ON MY BIRTHDAY
BECAUSE OF CRITICAL RACE THEORY
AND MY SON CALLED ME A BITCH
BECAUSE OF SOCIALISM, AND ON TOP
OF ALL THAT, I WAS LATE TO WORK
BECAUSE OF A BUNCH OF PRONOUNS.
I BELIEVE THESE THINGS MIND BODY
SOUL AND IT MAKES MY LIFE
MONUMENTALLY EASIER."
AND THE FULL CONTEXT FOR THE
"WOKE BANK" NARRATIVE IS SOMEHOW
EVEN DUMBER THAN YOU THINK.
BASICALLY, FOX GRABBED ONTO SOME
OF SVB'S DIVERSITY INITIATIVES,
AND TRIED TO SPIN THOSE INTO THE
REASON FOR THE COLLAPSE, EVEN
THOUGH, AS ONE EXPERT IN
CONSUMER FINANCE POINTED OUT.
"IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT,"
ADDING THAT TRYING TO TIE THE
TWO TOGETHER IS LIKE SAYING,
"WHY ISN'T BLUE THE ANSWER TO 1
PLUS 1?
IT'S BANKING 101.
THAT'S WHAT WAS GOING ON."
AND OF COURSE!
HEDGING AGAINST RISK IS A
FOUNDATIONAL LESSON OF BANKING,
ALONG WITH "BUY LOW, SELL HIGH"
AND "WEAR A FANCY SUIT AND TIE
SO NO ONE CAN TELL YOU HAVE NO
IDEA WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE
DOING."
AND TO BE HONEST, THAT ONE IS
STILL PRETTY HANDY.
AND LOOK, WE'LL UNDOUBTEDLY
LEARN MORE ABOUT EXACTLY WHAT
HAPPENED AT SVB IN THE COMING
WEEKS.
BUT THEY WEREN'T THE ONLY
FINANCIAL INSTITUTION THAT WENT
DOWN.
SIGNATURE BANK ALSO WENT UNDER,
AFTER A SIMILAR RUN BY
DEPOSITORS.
AND ALREADY, WE'RE LEARNING MORE
THAN ANYONE WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT
WHAT WAS GOING ON INSIDE IT.
BECAUSE WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO SEE
MAY BE ONE OF THE LEAST
CONSEQUENTIAL DECISIONS THEY
MADE, BUT IT WAS DEFINITELY THE
MOST EMBARRASSING.
TOP EXECUTIVES AT SIGNATURE
BANK PLAY THEMSELVES IN A SERIES
OF WACKY PROMOTIONAL VIDEOS.
IS THERE A BOOK, "HOW TO
BUILD A BANK FOR DUMMIES?"
THE OVER-THE-TOP VIDEOS
FEATURE BANK EMPLOYEES IN
CRINGEWORTHY SONG AND DANCE
NUMBERS.
THIS SIGNATURE VIDEO IS ALSO
EERILY PROPHETIC.
♪ WHAT POSSIBLE FATE WILL
BECOME OF OUR BANK OTHER THAN TO
DIMINISH AND FAIL? ♪
I HAPPEN TO KNOW FOR A FACT,
THAT WON'T HAPPEN.
John: HOLY SHIT!
IN TERMS OF THINGS THAT HAVE
AGED BADLY, I'D SAY THIS FALLS
SOMEWHERE BETWEEN MID-AUGHTS
GWEN STEFANI, MY ACTUAL BODY,
AND THE OCTOBER 1976 COVER OF
SESAME STREET MAGAZINE.
THEY DIDN'T NOW!
I'M ASSUMING THEY DIDN'T NOW!
LOOK, THERE'S A LOT WE STILL
HAVE TO LEARN HERE.
FIGURES LIKE ELIZABETH WARREN
ARE POINTING TO THE 2018 LAW
THAT ROLLED BACK SOME OF THE
DODD-FRANK ACT, WHICH REMOVED
INSTITUTIONS LIKE SVB AND
SIGNATURE-- BASICALLY, ALL BUT
THE BIGGEST BANKS-- FROM THE
HIGHEST LEVEL OF SCRUTINY, LIKE
MORE FREQUENT STRESS-TEST
REQUIREMENTS.
AND WHILE SOME WILL PUSH BACK ON
THAT, SAYING THE ROLLED-BACK
RULES AND REGULATIONS COULDN'T
HAVE PREVENTED THIS WEEK, AND
THAT THEY ALREADY HAVE MORE THAN
SUFFICIENT CONTROLS IN PLACE,
WARREN HAS A PRETTY SOLID
RESPONSE TO THAT.
WE'VE HAD A NUMBER OF THOSE
CEO'S ON THE SHOWS IN THE LAST
FEW DAYS, FIFTH THIRD, SCHWAB,
THEY DO THEIR OWN STRESS
TESTING.
NOT-NOT EVERYONE WAS BEHAVING IN
A RISK PROFILE, IN A RISK MANNER
THAT SILICON VALLEY BANK WAS.
I'M SORRY.
I TAUGHT SCHOOL FOR MANY, MANY
YEARS.
AND I DID NOT LET MY STUDENTS DO
THEIR OWN TESTING.
John: RIGHT.
CLEARLY BANKS CAN'T BE TRUSTED
TO SELF-REGULATE.
THAT SHOULD BE INCREDIBLY
OBVIOUS, LIKE THE FACT THAT "THE
SKY IS BLUE" OR "GUY FIERI IS A
GENEROUS LOVER."
FLAVORTOWN IS A STATE OF MIND,
AND HE'LL MAKE SURE YOU GET
THERE.
AND IT'S NOT A GREAT SIGN THAT
AN INVESTIGATION INTO WHETHER
THE FED WAS DERELICT IN
OVERSEEING SVB HAS BEEN
ENTRUSTED TO...
THE FED.
LOOK, OVERALL, IT SEEMS LIKE THE
PEOPLE IN CHARGE OF KEEPING OUR
ECONOMY SAFE WILL JUST KEEP
TELLING US, "TRUST US, WE CAN
POLICE OURSELVES, NOTHING WILL
GO WRONG."
BUT IF I MAY QUOTE A FORMER
LEADING MAN CURRENTLY LOOKING
FOR WORK, YOU KNOW WHAT?
THIS TIME, I THINK YOU MIGHT
ACTUALLY BE RIGHT.
AND NOW THIS.
Announcer: AND NOW,
FOR ST. PATRICK'S DAY, LOCAL
NEWS DID WHAT THEY ALWAYS
FUCKING DO.
WELL, TOP OF THE MORNING,
WELCOME TO THIS IRISH EDITION.
I'M NOT DOING AN ACCENT.
TOP OF THE MORNING TO YOU.
FINE IRISH DAY.
TOP OF THE MORNING TO YOU.
ST. PADDY'S DAY, TOP OF THE
MORNING TO YOU.
TOP OF THE MORNING.
YOU DIDN'T INSULT A SINGLE
PERSON.
TOP OF THE MORNING TO YOU.
CAN YOU DO AN IRISH ACCENT?
I HAVE NO CLUE.
THAT WAS NOT A VERY GOOD
ST. PADDY'S DAY ACCENT.
GREEN HELPS YOU BECOME
INVISIBLE TO LEPRECHAUNS.
TOO TALL TO BE A LEPRECHAUN.
HE'S GOT HIS FISHERMAN
SWEATER ON.
THE LORE BEHIND THE FISHERMAN
SWEATER.
TELL ME.
WHEN THE SEAMEN WOULD GO OUT,
THEY WOULD WEAR UNFORTUNATELY,
SOME OF THEM WOULDN'T COME BACK,
THEY COME BACK-- THE SHIPS
WOULD SINK LIKE THAT AND THE
BODIES WOULD WASH UP AND THEY'D
BE ABLE TO IDENTIFY THE FAMILY
BY THE KIND OF SWEATER.
I UNDERSTAND THAT.
THAT'S FROM WHAT I
UNDERSTAND.
TOP OF THE MORNING TO YOU.
TOP OF THE MORNING.
John: MOVING ON.
WITH IT BEING SPRING BREAK
SEASON, OUR MAIN STORY TONIGHT
CONCERNS VACATIONS.
A WONDERFUL TIME TO REALIZE
YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE, OR
REALIZE THAT YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY
NOT.
AND BE HONEST, YOU KNEW IN THE
TSA LINE BEFORE THE FLIGHT.
KEEP THE STREAMING PASSWORDS FOR
AS LONG AS YOU CAN BUT DO GIVE
BACK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S RING.
SPECIFICALLY, WE'RE GOING TO
TALK ABOUT TIMESHARES.
AND SOME OF YOU MIGHT BE
THINKING, "WAIT, ARE YOU GOING
TO TELL ME THEY'RE A SCAM?
BECAUSE SURELY EVERYONE KNOWS
THAT."
AND IT IS TRUE THAT THE
SKETCHINESS OF TIMESHARE
VACATIONS HAS BEEN A PUNCHLINE
ON TV FOR YEARS.
YOU MORON, THESE AREN'T FREE
VACATIONS.
THESE ARE TIMESHARING DEALS,
THEY'RE TOTAL SCAMS.
THESE TIMESHARE PEOPLE, THEY
DON'T STOP UNTIL THEY SELL YOU
SOMETHING.
THEY-- THEY PREY ON THE WEAK
AND GULLIBLE.
I.E. YOU!
PERHAPS YOU AND YOUR YELLOW
FRIEND WOULD LIKE TO SET UP A
TIMESHARE PLAN?
DON'T DO IT, SANDY!
I WON'T GIVE IN TO YOUR
TIMESHARE VACATION SCAM!
John: YEAH, SUSPICIONS ABOUT
TIMESHARE PROGRAMS ARE SO
UBIQUITOUS THEY CAN GET LAUGHS
IN CHILDREN'S PROGRAMMING.
AND LOOK, OBVIOUSLY, SPONGEBOB
WAS NEVER GOING TO SAY YES TO A
TIMESHARE.
OTHERWISE THEY'D HAVE HAD TO
CHANGE HIS THEME SONG TO THIS.
♪ OOOOOOOH ♪
♪ WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER
THE SEA EXCEPT FOR ONE WEEK A
YEAR WHEN HE'S IN A STUDIO IN
KEY WEST ♪
♪ SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS ♪
John: YEAH, STILL GOOD, BUT
IT DOESN'T QUITE HAVE THE SAME
RING TO IT, DOES IT?
BUT DESPITE DECADES OF MOCKERY
ON TV, TIMESHARES ARE A MUCH
BIGGER BUSINESS THAN YOU MAY
THINK.
THEY'RE ACTUALLY AN $8.1 BILLION
DOLLAR INDUSTRY, WITH NEARLY TEN
MILLION HOUSEHOLDS OWNING ONE OR
MORE TYPES OF TIMESHARE.
AND THEY CAN BE SOLD BY BIG
HOTEL CHAINS LIKE HYATT, AND
MARRIOTT, AS WELL AS COMPANIES
LIKE WYNDHAM AND WESTGATE
RESORTS.
BUT ONE OF THE THINGS THAT
MAY'VE OBSCURED THEIR CONTINUED
GROWTH IS THAT THEY'RE NOT
ALWAYS CALLED TIMESHARES.
IN RECENT YEARS, THEY'VE BEEN
RE-BRANDED AS "VACATION CLUBS"
OR "VACATION OWNERSHIP PLANS."
AND WHILE, TRADITIONALLY, YOU'D
BUY A TIMESHARE THAT CONSISTED
OF ONE WEEK EVERY YEAR AT, SAY A
CONDO IN FLORIDA, NOWADAYS,
COMPANIES OFFER "FLOATING WEEKS"
THAT CAN THEORETICALLY BE USED
ANYTIME THROUGHOUT THE YEAR--
OR "TIMESHARE POINTS," WHERE YOU
BUY POINTS THAT YOU CAN REDEEM
IN A NUMBER OF RESORT PROPERTIES
OWNED BY THE SAME COMPANY.
BUT WHATEVER YOU CALL
TIMESHARES, THE PEOPLE SELLING
THEM MAINTAIN THAT THEY'RE NOT
JUST EXCELLENT VALUE-- THEY'RE
ACTIVELY GOOD FOR YOU.
HERE'S A VICE PRESIDENT AT
WESTGATE, FIRING UP HIS SALES
TEAM, IN THE WEIRDEST POSSIBLE
WAY.
WHY ARE WE HERE?
TO SAVE LIVES!
TO SAVE LIVES.
THOSE WHO TAKE THE FEWEST AMOUNT
OF VACATIONS ARE MOST LIKELY TO
HAVE A HEART ATTACK.
YOU'RE JUST LIKE A DOCTOR, A
NURSE, A FIREMAN, POLICEMAN, A
LIFEGUARD.
THEY ALL SAVE LIVES AND YOU ALL
DO IT, TOO.
John: YOU'RE RIGHT, TIMESHARE
SALESPEOPLE SAVE LIVES JUST LIKE
DOCTORS AND NURSES!
THAT'S WHY, DURING THE INITIAL
OUTBREAK OF THE PANDEMIC, NEW
YORKERS WOULD LOUDLY CHEER FOR
ALL THE TIMESHARE SALESPEOPLE AS
THEY CAME BACK FROM WORK.
WE'D DO THAT AT 6:00 P.M., AND
THEN IF WE STILL HAD SOME ENERGY
LEFT, WE'D THROW A FEW CLAPS TO
HOSPITAL WORKERS AT 7, FOR
WHATEVER THEY WERE DOING.
BUT THE FACT IS, TIMESHARES
DON'T SAVE LIVES.
IN FACT, IN MANY CASES, THEY CAN
FUCK THEM UP.
BECAUSE THEY'RE INCREDIBLY EASY
TO GET INTO, BUT-- AS YOU'LL
SEE-- INCREDIBLY HARD TO GET
OUT OF.
SO TONIGHT, LET'S TALK ABOUT
TIMESHARES.
AND LET'S START WITH THE FIRST
THING YOU PROBABLY ALREADY KNOW
ABOUT THEM.
THAT THEY TEND TO BE SOLD
IN-PERSON, AGGRESSIVELY, AND
WHILE YOU'RE ALREADY ON
VACATION, OFTEN BY SUCKERING
PEOPLE IN TO AGONIZINGLY LONG
SALES PRESENTATIONS WITH THE
PROMISE OF A FREE GIFT.
THERE ARE SO MANY HORROR STORIES
OUT THERE, LIKE THE WOMAN WHOSE
HER PARENTS WERE SUBJECTED TO A
SEVEN-HOUR SALES PITCH THAT
ENDED WITH THEM SPENDING MORE
THAN $10,000 ON A TIMESHARE, OR
THE PERSON WHO SIGNED AN
AGREEMENT FOLLOWING A 5 HOUR
PRESENTATION, BECAUSE, QUOTE,
"I'M A DIABETIC.
AFTER FIVE HOURS, I JUST GAVE
IN.
I NEEDED SOMETHING TO EAT."
AND I GET THAT.
"LISTEN TO A TIMESHARE
PRESENTATION" IS DEAD LAST ON
THE LIST OF THINGS I WANT TO DO
FOR FIVE HOURS STRAIGHT, RIGHT
AFTER "WATCHING AVATAR: THE WAY
OF WATER," "TELLING CHILDREN
THAT THEIR PET HAMSTER WAS EATEN
BY THEIR OTHER PET HAMSTER AND
THAT NEITHER ONE EVER KNEW THE
CHILD IN QUESTION EXISTED," AND,
OF COURSE, "HEARING OTHER PEOPLE
TALK ABOUT WATCHING AVATAR: THE
WAY OF WATER."
THE PROBLEM IS, THOUGH, ONCE
YOU'RE IN THAT ROOM, COMPANIES
CAN GO TO EXTREME LENGTHS TO GET
YOU TO COMMIT ON THE SPOT.
JUST WATCH AS THAT WESTGATE
EXECUTIVE ENCOURAGES HIS STAFF
TO STOP AT NOTHING TO MAKE A
SALE.
OUR NUMBER ONE PERSON IN
ORLANDO OWNS SEVERAL WEEKS OF
TIMESHARE.
YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD OWN AT
LEAST ONE WEEK YOURSELVES.
AND IF YOU DON'T, LIE AND SAY
YOU DO!
[LAUGHTER]
DON'T LET THESE PEOPLE LEAVE
HERE WITHOUT BUYING SOMETHING.
SOMETHING.
John: I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S
MORE ALARMING THERE.
THAT HE KNEW A CAMERA CREW WAS
FILMING, AND STILL INSTRUCTED
HIS SALES TEAM TO LIE, OR THAT
HE WILLINGLY WORE THAT SHIRT.
BECAUSE WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT
THING?
IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE ATE A
PERSIAN RUG AND THEN THREW UP ON
HIM.
HE LOOKS LIKE THE MASCOT FOR
DIVORCE.
LYING IS ACTUALLY A KEY STRATEGY
FOR MANY TIMESHARE SALESPEOPLE.
THEY WILL LIE ABOUT EVERYTHING,
FROM THE EASE OF MAKING
RESERVATIONS, TO THE TOTAL COST
OF THE TIMESHARE.
ACCORDING TO A LAWSUIT AGAINST
WYNDHAM, SALESPEOPLE EVEN HAD AN
ACRONYM, "TAFT," WHICH STOOD FOR
"TELL THEM ANY FRIGGING THING."
AND COME ON!
AT THIS POINT JUST SAY
"FUCKING."
IT'S ONE THING TO LIE, IT'S
ANOTHER TO DO THAT WHILE TALKING
LIKE A MIDDLE SCHOOLER WHO'S IN
THE CAR WITH THEIR MOM BUT STILL
TRYING TO SOUND HARD.
BUT THE THING IS, LYING IS
BASICALLY ALLOWED IN THIS
INDUSTRY.
MANY TIMESHARE AGREEMENTS
CONTAIN A CLAUSE THAT ABSOLVES
THE DEVELOPER FROM
RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANYTHING
SALES REPS SAY.
IT'S OFTEN REFERRED TO BY
ATTORNEYS AS THE "SALESMAN'S
LICENSE TO LIE CLAUSE."
AND I GET THAT SALES REPS
BULLSHIT CUSTOMERS CONSTANTLY.
IT HAPPENS TO ME EVERY TIME A
WARBY PARKER EMPLOYEE TELLS ME
"YOU LOOK SO COOL!"
BUT YOU WOULDN'T EXPECT THEM TO
BE ABLE TO LIE ABOUT SOMETHING
AS OBJECTIVE AS "HOW MUCH A
THING WILL COST."
NOW, THE GOOD NEWS IS, DEPENDING
ON WHERE YOU MADE YOUR PURCHASE,
YOU CAN HAVE BETWEEN 3 AND 10
DAYS TO RESCIND YOUR SIGNATURE.
BUT REMEMBER, A LOT OF PEOPLE
SIGN UP FOR TIMESHARES ON
VACATION.
SO THAT TIME MAY EXPIRE BEFORE
THEY GET HOME, OR HAVE A CHANCE
TO HAVE A LAWYER LOOK AT THE
CONTRACT.
AND THIS'D BE LESS OF AN ISSUE
IF PEOPLE GENERALLY LOVED THEIR
TIMESHARES.
BUT A STUDY FOUND THAT 85% OF
TIMESHARE OWNERS REGRET THEIR
PURCHASE.
WHICH IS A RATE OF REGRET ON PAR
WITH "PEOPLE WHO BOUGHT TEACUP
PIGS ONLY TO REALIZE THAT TEACUP
PIGS DON'T REALLY EXIST.
WHAT DO EXIST ARE BABY PIGS THAT
GROW INTO A 90-POUND PIECE OF
LIVESTOCK THAT SUFFOCATES YOUR
CAT."
AND AT THIS POINT, LET'S TALK
ABOUT WHY PEOPLE MIGHT REGRET
BUYING A TIMESHARE.
AND THE FIRST MAJOR REASON,
UNSURPRISINGLY, IS COST.
BECAUSE THE UPFRONT COST FOR A
ONE-WEEK ANNUAL TIMESHARE
VACATION CAN AVERAGE AROUND
$24,000.
BUT THAT'S JUST THE BEGINNING.
BECAUSE ON TOP OF THAT COME
OTHER EXPENSES LIKE "MAINTENANCE
FEES," WHICH TYPICALLY GO UP
EVERY YEAR, AND AT HIGH-VALUE
RESORTS, CAN RUN FROM $2500 TO
$3500 PER YEAR.
AND YOU'RE ON THE HOOK FOR THOSE
COSTS, WHETHER YOU USE YOUR
TIMESHARE OR NOT.
WHICH BRINGS US TO ANOTHER MAJOR
PROBLEM, BECAUSE IF WHAT YOU
BOUGHT IS "POINTS" OR A
"FLOATING WEEK" PLAN, YOU STILL
NEED TO BOOK TIME AT YOUR
RESORT.
WHICH CAN BE UNEXPECTEDLY HARD.
JUST LISTEN TO THIS MAN EXPLAIN
HIS ATTEMPTS TO BOOK A VACATION
AT THE WESTGATE TIMESHARE HE
BOUGHT IN BRANSON, MISSOURI, SIX
YEARS EARLIER.
THE FIRST YEAR--
I CALL A MONTH IN ADVANCE,
THEY SAY, "YOU'RE CALLING,
YOU'RE GIVING US A VERY SHORT
NOTICE."
SO YEAR TWO, THEY CALLED SIX
MONTHS IN ADVANCE.
YOU ARE CALLING TOO EARLY.
YEAR THREE, THEY CALLED TWO
MONTHS IN ADVANCE, BUT WE'RE
TOLD THEY CALLED TOO LATE.
THEN YOU CAN STILL GO, BUT WE
HAVE TO CHARGE YOU LIKE ANY
OTHER PERSON.
SO FAR, THE NASEERS HAVE
SPENT MORE THAN $15,000 FOR A
TIMESHARE THEY'VE NEVER SPENT A
SINGLE NIGHT IN.
WHEN THE NASEERS COMPLAINED TO
WESTGATE, THEY WERE TOLD THEY
WOULD HAVE AN EASIER TIME USING
THEIR TIMESHARE IF THEY UPGRADED
TO A BETTER PLAN FOR AN
ADDITIONAL $15,000.
John: THAT'S NOT GREAT.
BEING ASKED TO PAY $15,000 FOR
SOMETHING YOU'VE ONLY SEEN IN
PICTURES IS NOT A TIMESHARE.
THAT'S AN EXPENSIVE AND
REMARKABLY NICHE ONLYFANS
ACCOUNT.
BUT WESTGATE'S RESPONSE IS
PRETTY COMMON ACROSS THE
INDUSTRY.
ONCE YOU BUY A TIMESHARE, THE
PITCH IS, "YOU REALLY NEED TO
UPGRADE TO GET THE MOST-- OR,
POSSIBLY, ANYTHING-- OUT OF
YOUR PURCHASE."
AND THESE UPGRADES ARE A
FUNDAMENTAL PART OF THE BUSINESS
MODEL.
AT ONE INVESTMENT CONFERENCE,
MARRIOTT STATED THAT EVERY
$30,000 SPENT ON THE PURCHASE OF
A NEW TIMESHARE SHOULD GENERATE
AN EXTRA $20,000 FROM UPGRADES
AFTER JUST FIVE YEARS.
SO IT'S HARDLY SURPRISING THAT
COMPANIES FREQUENTLY PRESSURE
PEOPLE TO PAY FOR UPGRADES,
SOMETIMES WITH THE SAME
AGGRESSIVE TACTICS THAT GOT THEM
TO BUY THE TIMESHARE IN THE
FIRST PLACE.
CUSTOMERS OF WYNDHAM RESORTS
HAVE SAID THAT WHENEVER THEY'D
GO ON VACATION, THEY'D BE FORCED
INTO SO-CALLED "OWNER UPDATE
MEETINGS" WHERE THEY WERE THEN
PRESSURED TO SPEND MORE, LIKE
THIS WOMAN.
THE 76-YEAR-OLD WIDOW IS DEEP
IN DEBT, OWING MORE THAN
$175,000 AFTER SHE CLAIMS SHE
WAS REPEATEDLY TRICKED AND
HARASSED INTO BUYING TIMESHARE
POINTS.
FOLDS ALSO CLAIMS IN HER
LAWSUIT WYNDHAM SALES REPS TOLD
HER THINGS TO CONVINCE HER TO
BUY MORE POINTS THAT ENDED UP
NOT BEING TRUE.
IF I WOULD JUST SIGN IT, THEN
THEY COULD LOWER THE INTEREST
RATES.
IS THAT IN FACT WHAT
HAPPENED?
NO.
SHE SAYS WYNDHAM'S
SALESPEOPLE ALSO TOLD HER THE
COMPANY WOULD BUY BACK ANY EXTRA
POINTS SHE DIDN'T USE, AND THAT,
TOO, SHE LATER FOUND, WASN'T
EXACTLY AS IT HAD BEEN
EXPLAINED.
WERE YOU SURPRISED TO DISCOVER
THAT?
VERY SURPRISED.
NOT ONLY SURPRISED-- YOU MAY
NEED TO BLEEP THIS OUT-- I WAS
MAD AS HELL.
John: WOW, SHE IS PISSED
THERE.
I KNOW "MAD AS HELL" MIGHT NOT
SOUND THAT EXTREME TO US
DELINQUENTS ON HBO, BUT COMING
FROM A 76-YEAR-OLD WOMAN IN
TENNESSEE, THAT'S EQUIVALENT OF
A CHILD SCREAMING "MOTHERFUCKER"
THROUGH A BULLHORN, AT AN
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL.
IT'S THAT LEVEL OF INTENSITY.
SO BETWEEN FEES AND THE CONSTANT
PRESSURE TO PAY FOR UPGRADES,
YOU CAN SEE HOW PEOPLE MIGHT END
UP REGRETTING THEIR PURCHASE.
EVEN THOSE WHO INITIALLY ENJOYED
THEIR TIMESHARE MIGHT END UP
WANTING TO GET RID OF IT.
EITHER BECAUSE THEY'RE GETTING
OLDER AND NOT WANTING TO TRAVEL
AS MUCH, OR THEY'RE JUST GETTING
TIRED OF GOING TO THE SAME
PLACE.
BUT THE PROBLEM IS, WHATEVER
YOUR REASON FOR WANTING TO LEAVE
A TIMESHARE, YOU'LL SOON REALIZE
IT'S VERY HARD TO DO.
THAT'S BECAUSE MANY AGREEMENTS
CONTAIN A SO-CALLED "PERPETUITY
CLAUSE."
THAT MEANS THE PURCHASE, AS WELL
AS ALL THOSE REGULAR MAINTENANCE
FEES, ARE A NON-CANCELABLE
LIFETIME OBLIGATION.
WHICH IS RIDICULOUS, A VACATION
HOME SHOULDN'T BE HARDER TO GET
OUT OF THAN SCIENTOLOGY.
WHERE'S SHELLY?
I'M SURE SHE'S FINE, BUT WHERE
IS SHELLEY?
NOW SOME DEVELOPERS CLAIM TO
HAVE PROGRAMS WHERE THEY'LL TAKE
A TIMESHARE BACK, BUT THERE'S A
LOT OF FINE PRINT THERE.
INCLUDING THE FACT THEY'RE OFTEN
ONLY AVAILABLE AT THE
DEVELOPER'S DISCRETION, AND
COULD INVOLVE PAYING A MASSIVE
FEE, WHICH SOMETIMES CAN BE
EQUIVALENT TO TWO YEARS'
MAINTENANCE FEES.
AND IF THE COMPANY WON'T TAKE IT
BACK, GOOD LUCK.
IT CAN BE HARD, IF NOT
IMPOSSIBLE, TO SELL A TIMESHARE.
IN FACT, THE RESALE SITE REDWEEK
SHOWS A NUMBER BEING SOLD FOR
LITERALLY ZERO DOLLARS.
AND KEEP THAT IN MIND ANYTIME
ANYONE SAYS A TIMESHARE IS AN
"INVESTMENT."
INVESTMENTS ARE SUPPOSED TO GAIN
VALUE.
A TIMESHARE IS AS SOUND AN
INVESTMENT AS OPENING A
GHISLAINE MAXWELL-THEMED
RESTAURANT.
GHISLY'S!
"WHEN YOU'RE HERE, YOU'RE IN
DANGER!"
AND ALL THIS ACTUALLY GETS ONE
STEP WORSE, THANKS TO SOMETHING
THAT'S OFTEN FRAMED AS A SELLING
POINT FOR TIMESHARES.
THAT'S A GREAT FEELING TO
KNOW THAT OUR GRANDCHILDREN WHEN
WE'RE NOT AROUND--
YEAH, IT'S PASSED ON TO THEM.
UM, WILL BE ENJOYING IT.
IT WILL BE OUR LEGACY TO THEM.
EVEN AS WE PASS ON, IT'S
SOMETHING THAT WE CAN CONTINUE
TO GIVE TO OUR CHILDREN.
IT'S A GIFT THAT WILL KEEP ON
GIVING, BEYOND US.
NOW THAT WE HAVE TWO CHILDREN
IT'S KIND OF EXCITING THAT WE
KNOW THAT OUR CREDITS WILL NEVER
GO TO WASTE.
IT WILL STILL BE IN OUR FAMILY
THROUGH OUR BOYS.
John: OKAY, ONE OF THOSE BOYS
SEEMS HAPPY ABOUT THAT, BUT THE
OTHER ONE DOES SEEM PISSED, AND
MUCH MORE INTERESTED IN THE
UPSIDE-DOWN CONSTRUCTION TRUCK
HE'S HOLDING.
AND HE'S HONESTLY RIGHT.
BECAUSE IF THERE'S ONE THING TO
TAKE AWAY FROM THIS EPISODE,
IT'S THAT IF YOU HAVE A CHOICE
BETWEEN A TIMESHARE AND AN
UPSIDE-DOWN TRUCK, TAKE THE
TRUCK EVERY TIME.
AT LEAST YOU TECHNICALLY OWN
THAT.
BUT GIVEN EVERYTHING YOU'VE SEEN
SO FAR, YOU WON'T BE SURPRISED
TO HEAR THAT MANY PEOPLE AREN'T
SUPER-KEEN ON INHERITING A
TIMESHARE.
AND WHILE YOU CAN TECHNICALLY
DECLINE IT, THAT CAN BE MUCH
HARDER TO DO THAN YOU MIGHT
THINK.
WALKING AWAY DOES TAKE WORK.
NAMELY, YOU MUST FILE A
DISCLAIMER OF INTEREST WITH THE
COURT SAYING THAT YOU REJECT THE
TIMESHARE.
YOU ONLY HAVE NINE MONTHS AFTER
THE DEATH OF YOUR LOVED ONE TO
FILE IT.
AND EVEN THEN, IT'S NOT THAT
SIMPLE.
YOU SEE, WHEN THE FIRST PERSON
IN LINE REJECTS THE TIMESHARE,
IT GOES TO THE NEXT IN LINE AND
THEN THE NEXT AND THE NEXT.
EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS TO FILE
ALL OF THAT PAPERWORK.
John: IT'S TRUE.
EVERY SINGLE PERSON.
AND TIMESHARE PAPERWORK ISN'T
CLEARLY WHAT GRIEVING FAMILIES
NEED.
IT'S PRETTY UPSETTING TO THINK
THAT THERE MIGHT BE A MARKET FOR
SYMPATHY CARDS THAT SAY "I'M
SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS, BUT ALSO,
MOVE FAST IF YOU DON'T WANT TO
GET STUCK WITH THE FEES ON YOUR
DEAD MOM'S HILTON HEAD
TWO-BEDROOM."
AND ALL THIS BRINGS US TO WHAT
MIGHT BE THE MOST SURPRISING
THING HERE.
TIMESHARES ARE SO DIFFICULT TO
GET RID OF, A WHOLE SEPARATE
INDUSTRY HAS NOW CROPPED UP,
KNOWN AS THE TIMESHARE EXIT
INDUSTRY.
YOU MAY HAVE SEEN ADS ON TV FOR
THEM, OR UPBEAT SEGMENTS ON
LOCAL STATIONS LIKE THESE, FOR A
COMPANY CALLED TIMESHARE
TERMINATION TEAM, WHERE THEY CAN
GET A PRETTY STRONG ENDORSEMENT.
COLORADO'S LOCAL TIMESHARE
TERMINATION TEAM HAS 100%
SUCCESS RATE.
JOINING US, TRUSTED ADVISORS
BRIAN AND HOLLY WILBUR WITH THE
FIRST STEPS YOU NEED TO TAKE TO
LEGALLY GET OUT OF YOUR
TIMESHARE.
I'LL BE HONEST, I KNOW I SAID
THIS BEFORE TOO, I DIDN'T THINK
THIS WAS POSSIBLE, BUT IT
ACTUALLY IS!
John: THAT SOUNDS PRETTY
GREAT!
THE BASIC PITCH OF EXIT
COMPANIES IS, FOR AN UPFRONT
FEE, THEY'LL EITHER RESELL YOUR
TIMESHARE OR GET YOU OUT OF YOUR
CONTRACT.
AND GIVEN HOW CRITICAL THEY ARE
OF THE TIMESHARE INDUSTRY, YOU
MIGHT ASSUME THEY'RE THE GOOD
GUYS IN THIS STORY.
UNFORTUNATELY, THEY'RE VERY MUCH
NOT, WHICH YOU PROBABLY ALREADY
GUESSED AFTER THAT WOMAN CLAIMED
A "100% SUCCESS RATE."
BECAUSE THAT'S IS ONE OF THOSE
PHRASES THAT'S AN AUTOMATIC RED
FLAG, LIKE "ENDORSED BY DR. OZ"
OR "FORBES COVER MODEL."
IT JUST IMMEDIATELY RAISES
SUSPICIONS.
ALSO, YOU SHOULD KNOW, WHILE
THAT SURE LOOKS LIKE THE NEWS,
CRUCIALLY, IT-- AND ALL THOSE
SHOWS YOU JUST SAW-- ARE
"SPONSORED CONTENT" PROGRAMS.
WE DID A STORY ON THEM A COUPLE
YEARS AGO, AND IT'S WHERE LOCAL
STATIONS WILL ALLOW YOU TO BUY
YOUR WAY INTO FAKE SEGMENTS THAT
LOOK LIKE NEWS, BUT ARE IN FACT,
ADS.
WE ACTUALLY BOUGHT OUR WAY ONTO
THAT EXACT SHOW, ON DENVER 7, TO
SELL A NAZI FUCK BLANKET.
AND IF YOU MISSED THAT STORY, GO
BACK AND WATCH THE WHOLE THING
BECAUSE THAT WAS ONE HELL OF A
SENTENCE THAT'S MISSING ABOUT 21
MINUTES OF CONTEXT.
ANYWAY, AS IT TURNS OUT,
TIMESHARE TERMINATION TEAM WAS
EVEN SKETCHIER THAN OUR THIRD
REICH FUCK FLEECE, BECAUSE NOT
LONG AFTER THAT, DENVER 7'S
ACTUAL NEWS TEAM HAD THIS
STORY TO REPORT.
DEBI HIRED THE COMPANY IN
JUNE, 2019.
IN ALL, SHE PAID MORE THAN
$14,000.
I SIGNED A CONTRACT, A
TWO-YEAR CONTRACT THAT ENDED
THIS LAST JUNE.
WELL, UNDER THE TERMS OF THE CON
- IF THEY DON'T RESOLVE MY
ISSUE, I CAN GET A REFUND.
TWO YEARS CAME AND WENT.
THAT'S WHEN SHE WENT LOOKING FOR
ANSWERS.
AND SO, I CAME TO-- CAME TO
SEE THEM, AND IT'S EMPTY.
THE SIGNS ARE STILL UP ON THE
OFFICE IN GREENWOOD VILLAGE.
BUT THERE'S NO EMPLOYEES.
THE FURNITURE IS GONE.
John: WOW.
FIRST, I'M NOT SURE IT WAS
TOTALLY NECESSARY TO FORCE HER
TO GO BACK AND KNOCK ON THE
GLASS OF A CLEARLY EMPTY OFFICE,
BUT I AM VERY GLAD THAT THEY
DID.
AND SECOND, THAT'S A 19TH
CENTURY SNAKE OIL SALESMAN LEVEL
SCAM.
THEY JUST DISAPPEARED.
ONE MOMENT THEY WERE THERE, AND
THE NEXT THEY WERE SUDDENLY GONE
WITH NO WARNING.
LIKE A GHOST, OR A TV SHOW ON
HBO MAX.
EVERYTHING'S FINE AT THIS
COMPANY.
EVERYTHING'S FINE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND UNFORTUNATELY, THAT'S BY NO
MEANS A ONE-OFF.
AS ONE CONSUMER ADVOCATE PUTS
IT, "I DON'T LIKE
GENERALIZATIONS SO I'LL SAY THAT
99% OF THEM DON'T DO WHAT THEY
SAY THEY WILL, OR WORSE, ARE
OUT-AND-OUT SCAMS."
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
I DO LIKE GENERALIZATIONS, SO
I'M HAPPY TO SAY TIMESHARE EXIT
COMPANIES ARE TOTAL BULLSHIT.
A LOT HAVE FOLLOWED THE SAME
BASIC PATTERN YOU JUST SAW, THEY
WILL CHARGE AN UPFRONT FEE, AND
THEN EITHER STALL INDEFINITELY
OR FULLY DISAPPEAR.
AND THEY'RE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF
PEOPLE ON A MASSIVE SCALE.
IN MISSOURI, ONE GROUP OF
COMPANIES STANDS ACCUSED OF
DECEIVING CONSUMERS INTO PAYING
MORE THAN $90 MILLION FOR EXIT
SERVICES THAT WERE NOT
DELIVERED.
AND WHILE THAT CASE IS STILL
PENDING, ALL OF THESE OTHER
COMPANIES HAVE GONE UNDER IN
RECENT YEARS.
AND I KNOW THESE EXIT COMPANIES
MIGHT SEEM IMMEDIATELY
SUSPICIOUS TO YOU NOW.
BUT THEY HAVE SLICK MARKETING,
AND HAVE ALSO BEEN ENDORSED BY
SOME SUPPOSEDLY FINANCIALLY
SAVVY PEOPLE.
IN FACT, DAVE RAMSEY, THE
POPULAR PERSONAL-FINANCE GURU--
WHO, TO HIS CREDIT, HAS BEEN A
VOCAL CRITIC OF TIME SHARES--
ACTUALLY GAVE ONE EXIT COMPANY A
RINGING ENDORSEMENT.
TIMESHARE EXIT TEAM WILL GET
YOU OUT OF THEIR TIMESHARE.
NOW, YOU'RE GOING TO PAY THEM
MONEY TO DO THAT.
THAT'S WHAT THEY DO.
AND THEY CHARGE YOU UPFRONT AND
THEY GIVE YOU YOUR MONEY-BACK
GUARANTEE IF THEY DON'T GET YOU
OUT, BUT THEY'LL GET YOU OUT.
John: WELL, THAT SOUNDS
TRUSTWORTHY!
AND WHY WOULDN'T YOU TAKE THE
WORD OF A MAN WHOSE LOOK AND
GENERAL VIBE WHO ANSWERS THE
QUESTION "WHAT IF BILLY JOEL AND
DR. PHIL HAD A KID, AND IT
SUCKED?"
BUT NOT LONG AFTER THAT, THE
WASHINGTON STATE AG SUED
TIMESHARE EXIT TEAM, CLAIMING,
AMONG OTHER THINGS, THAT THE
MAJORITY OF ITS CUSTOMERS EITHER
DID NOT RECEIVE THEIR PROMISED
EXIT, RECEIVED ONE THAT CAUSED
THEM UNANTICIPATED NEGATIVE
FINANCIAL OR OTHER CONSEQUENCES,
OR RECEIVED AN EXIT THE CUSTOMER
COULD'VE OBTAINED FOR
THEMSELVES.
THE COMPANY EVENTUALLY SHUT
DOWN, BUT ONLY AFTER IT WAS
FORCED TO PAY RESTITUTION DAVE
YOU THINK THAT GAVE DAVE
RAMSEY PAUSE FOR REFLECTION, YOU
SHOULD KNOW.
IT DID NOT.
BECAUSE AFTER INSIDE EDITION DID
A SEGMENT COVERING TIMESHARE
EXIT TEAM'S ISSUES AND
QUESTIONING HIS ENDORSEMENT OF
THEM, HE PUSHED BACK LIKE THIS.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULD BUY A
STORY ON INSIDE EDITION.
I DIDN'T-- I DIDN'T THINK YOU
ALL WERE THAT-- I KNOW YOU WERE
A TABLOID, BUT I DIDN'T KNOW YOU
WERE THAT LOW.
OR ARE YOU JUST SO DUMB THAT YOU
DIDN'T UNDERSTAND YOU WERE ON
THE WRONG SIDE OF THIS ARGUMENT
ON THE BASIS OF THE CONSUMER?
SO, THIS IS WHY TIMESHARE'S NOT
ON THE AIR ANYMORE.
TIMESHARE EXIT TEAM.
BUT GUESS WHO'S STILL ON THE
AIR?
ME.
AND I'M SITTING IN A $300
MILLION PAID-FOR BUILDING,
NECK-DEEP IN CASH, YOU JERKS.
John: YEAH!
THAT IS CHAMPION OF THE WORKING
PEOPLE, DAVE RAMSEY, BRAGGING
ABOUT BEING NECK-DEEP IN CASH TO
HIS OWN VIEWERS, WHO GOT CAUGHT
UP IN A SCAM THAT HE ACTIVELY
PROMOTED.
ALL WHILE HAVING HIS HANDS LIKE
THIS, A POSE USED ALMOST
EXCLUSIVELY BY CARTOON SUPER
VILLAINS PLOTTING WAYS TO KILL
BATMAN.
BUT THE THING IS, THERE IS NO
RIGHT SIDE TO BE ON HERE.
TIME SHARE COMPANIES AND
TIMESHARE EXIT COMPANIES ARE
BOTH TERRIBLE.
ONE IS A SHITTY BUSINESS MODEL
THAT'S SOMEHOW TECHNICALLY
LEGAL, AND THE OTHER IS
OFTENTIMES AN OUT-AND-OUT SCAM,
BUT NEITHER IS GOOD.
AND IT'S VERY IMPORTANT NOT TO
LOSE SIGHT OF THE FACT THAT,
BENEATH ALL OF THIS, ARE PEOPLE
WHO CAN GET VICTIMIZED.
AND IN SOME CASES, TWICE.
AND IF YOU WATCH A LOT OF
STORIES ABOUT THESE COMPANIES,
IT'S HEARTBREAKING JUST HOW
OFTEN THE PEOPLE IN THEM TALK
ABOUT HOW ASHAMED THEY FEEL
ABOUT FALLING FOR THEM.
NOBODY IN MY FAMILY KNOWS.
NOBODY.
IT MAKES YOU FEEL BAD WHEN
YOU THINK YOU'VE DONE SOMETHING
THIS STUPID.
WHEN WE BOUGHT THE TIMESHARE
WHICH TOOK US TO THE CLEANERS
AND IT JUST MADE ME FEEL STUPID.
IT DOESN'T MAKE ME FEEL GOOD.
YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE-- I-- I
THINK I'M SMARTER THAN THAT.
John: YEAH, I GET THAT.
BUT TO BE CLEAR, THE SHAME HERE
SHOULD NOT BE ON THE PEOPLE WHO
WERE DUPED.
IT SHOULD BE ON THE INDUSTRIES
THAT EXPLOITED THEM, TOLD THEM
"ANY FRIGGING THING" THEY WANTED
TO, AND ABUSED THEIR
UNDERSTANDABLE DESIRE JUST TO
TAKE A FUCKING BREAK!
SO, WHAT CAN WE DO?
WELL, ON THE OFF CHANCE ANYONE
WATCHING RIGHT NOW IS
CONSIDERING A TIMESHARE, DON'T
DO IT!
IF YOU KNOW SOMEONE CONSIDERING
IT, SEND THEM THIS SEGMENT.
IF YOU HAPPEN TO INHERIT A TIME
SHARE, GET RID OF IT AS FAST AS
POSSIBLE.
AND IF IT'S TOO LATE, AND YOU'RE
STUCK WITH IT, YOU CAN TRY AND
GIVE IT AWAY FOR $0 ONLINE, BUT
THE TRUTH IS, YOU'LL ONLY BE
FUCKING SOMEONE ELSE OVER THEN.
UNFORTUNATELY, THE BEST OPTION
MIGHT ACTUALLY BE TO CALL THE
TIMESHARE COMPANY AND SEE IF
THERE'S ANY CHANCE THAT THEY
WILL TAKE IT BACK.
AS FOR EXIT COMPANIES, AS YOU'VE
SEEN THERE'S BEEN SPORADIC LEGAL
ACTION AGAINST INDIVIDUAL
COMPANIES, BUT BY AND LARGE,
IT'S A WHACK-A-MOLE ECOSYSTEM.
WHEN ONE GOES DOWN, ANOTHER ONE
TENDS TO POP RIGHT UP.
SO THE TRUTH IS, THE BEST BET
RIGHT NOW SEEMS TO BE TO MAKE
SURE WE ALL WARN EACH OTHER
ABOUT JUST HOW FUCKED UP THIS
WHOLE INDUSTRY IS.
OR I SUPPOSE, WE COULD GO
ANOTHER WAY WITH IT.
AND IF YOU CAN'T BEAT THEM, JOIN
THEM.
SO JOINING ME NOW FOR A SPECIAL
SPONSORED SEGMENT THAT SHE MAY
OR MAY NOT HAVE PAID $3000 FOR,
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW,
MY LOVELY WIFE, WANDA JO OLIVER!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪
John: HELLO THERE, M'WANDA!
Wanda: HELLO THERE, M'JOHN!
John: NOW, WANDA, I
UNDERSTAND YOU HAVE A NEW
TIMESHARE PRODUCT THAT YOU'D
LIKE TO SHARE?
Wanda: THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M HERE TO INTRODUCE MY NEW
COMPANY, TIMESHARE EXIT SQUARED.
YES, THE WORLD'S FIRST-EVER
TIMESHARE EXIT COMPANY EXIT
COMPANY.
John: WOW, FASCINATING!
WANDA, WHAT DOES TIMESHARE EXIT
SQUARED DO EXACTLY?
Wanda: WELL, LET'S SAY YOU'RE
STUCK IN A TIMESHARE AND YOU GO
TO AN EXIT COMPANY TO GET YOU
OUT OF THE CONTRACT.
BUT, UH-OH!
THAT COMPANY JUST TOOK ALL YOUR
MONEY AND DISAPPEARED WITHOUT
DOING A DANG THING!
WELL, TIMESHARE EXIT SQUARED CAN
FREE YOU FROM YOUR TIMESHARE
EXIT COMPANY AND GET ALL YOUR
MONEY BACK!
John: WOW, THAT IS AMAZING,
WANDA!
YOU ARE TRULY SAVING LIVES, JUST
LIKE DOCTORS, NURSES, AND
FIREFIGHTERS.
YOU ARE.
YOU ARE, WANDA.
Wanda: OH, I'M WAY BETTER
THAN ALL THEM!
ALL THOSE PEOPLE ARE SCUM
COMPARED TO ME!
I SPIT ON THEM.
John: YOU SPIT-- WOW.
AS YOU SHOULD, M'WANDA.!
NOW, HOW EXACTLY DOES TIMESHARE
EXIT SQUARED WORK?
HOW DOES IT WORK?
Wanda: WELL, IT COULDN'T BE
EASIER, M'JOHN.
SIMPLY PAY US A QUICK AND EASY
UPFRONT FEE OF $20,000, AND
WITHIN 3 TO 58 BUSINESS
MONTHS.
[LAUGHTER]
YOUR TIMESHARE EXIT COMPANY WILL
DEPOSIT A FULL REFUND TO YOUR
BANK ACCOUNT.
John: WOW.
WANDA, IS THAT GUARANTEED?
Wanda: OH, IT'S EVEN BETTER
THAN A GUARANTEE.
Wanda: IT'S A PINKY SWEAR
PROMISE!
JOHN: I LIKE THAT.
Wanda: THAT'S WHY TIMESHARE
EXIT SQUARED HAS OVER 9.3
BILLION HAPPY CUSTOMERS AND A
200% SATISFACTION RATE.
John: A 200%?
Wanda: THAT'S RIGHT!
FOR EVERY TIMESHARE EXIT SQUARED
CUSTOMER, ANOTHER RANDOM PERSON
IS ALSO LEFT SATISFIED.
John: WOW, WANDA, THAT'S
INCREDIBLE.
I'LL BE HONEST, I DIDN'T THINK
THIS WAS POSSIBLE, BUT IT
ACTUALLY IS!
Wanda: IT SURE IS, DEPENDING
ON YOUR DEFINITION OF POSSIBLE!
John: SURE, SURE, THAT'S
FAIR.
Wanda: AND IF YOU RUN INTO
ANY PROBLEMS OR DELAYS, JUST
CALL OUR HOTLINE AT
1-800-FLOWERS OR COME TO THE
TIMESHARE EXIT SQUARED OFFICES.
John: AND HOW WOULD SOMEONE
DO THAT, M'WANDA?
Wanda: WELL, ALL YOU HAVE TO
DO IS DRIVE UP NEXT TO THE
TIMESHARE EXIT SQUARED VAN AND
SCREAM YOUR 27-DIGIT CASE
NUMBER, AND WE'LL
BE HAPPY TO HELP WITH ANYTHING
YOU NEED UNTIL WE CROSS THE
BORDER INTO NOGALES, MEXICO.
John: THAT SOUNDS VERY
REASONABLE.
BUT PEOPLE SHOULD ACT FAST,
RIGHT, M'WANDA?
Wanda: THAT'S RIGHT, M'JOHN!
THIS PARTICULAR COMPANY IS ONLY
GOING TO EXIST FOR THE NEXT 3
DAYS.
John: RIGHT, RIGHT.
Wanda: THEN WE'RE SHUTTING IT
DOWN AND STARTING A NEW ONE IN
THE CAYMAN ISLANDS!
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN?
John: I HAVEN'T.
I HAVEN'T.
Wanda: WELL, I COULD SELL YOU
A WEEK A YEAR THERE FOR JUST
$50,000.
NOBODY LEAVES HERE WITHOUT
BUYING SOMETHING.
SOMETHING.
John: SHE'S RIGHT.
THANK YOU SO MUCH, M'WANDA.
THAT'S OUR SHOW, THANK YOU SO
MUCH FOR WATCHING.
WE'RE OFF NEXT WEEK.
WE'LL BE BACK AFTER THAT!
GOODNIGHT!
THANK YOU SO MUCH, M'WANDA.
THAT SOUNDS LIKE A FANTASTIC
DEAL!
> Wanda: WOO!
I'M NECK DEEP IN CASH, YOU
JERKS.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
ADIOS, AMIGOS!