♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
John: WELCOME, WELCOME,
WELCOME TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT!"
I'M JOHN OLIVER.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING
US.
IT HAS BEEN A BUSY WEEK.
FOX NEWS FOUND ITSELF LOOKING
FOR A NEW HOST OF
"WHITE GRIEVANCE TONIGHT."
MONTANA LAWMAKERS BARRED TRANS
REPRESENTATIVE ZOOEY ZEPHYR FROM
THE HOUSE FLOOR.
AND MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY GAVE A
MOTIVATIONAL SEMINAR TITLED
"THE ART OF LIVIN'."
I CAN'T SHOW YOU ALL OF IT, BUT
HERE IS JUST A TASTE.
IN 1999, I JUST HAD A DREAM
THAT I WAS FLOATING DOWN A
RIVER, NAKED, WRAPPED UP IN
ANACONDAS, SHARKS, PIRANHAS AND
CROCODILES, AND LINED ALONG THE
RIDGE OF THE RIVER, THERE WERE
THOUSANDS OF AFRICAN TRIBESMEN,
EACH HOLDING A SHIELD AND A
SPEAR.
AND IT WASN'T A NIGHTMARE.
ACTUALLY, IT WAS A WET DREAM.
John: WOW, WHAT A TWIST AT
THE END THERE.
"I KNOW MY DREAM MIGHT'VE
CONTAINED SOME PRETTY DICEY
RACIAL IMAGERY THERE, BUT WOULD
IT HELP TO KNOW THAT, AT THE END
OF IT, I EJACULATED?"
THAT EVENT WAS-- AND THIS IS
TRUE-- FIVE AND A HALF HOURS
LONG, AND I'M NOT SURE WHAT
LESSON YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO LEARN
FROM IT OTHER THAN: IF YOU TRY
TO DO DRUGS WITH
MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY, YOU WILL
DIE.
BUT WE'RE GOING TO START IN THE
UK, WHERE THE ECONOMY'S IN
TURMOIL, AND THE BANK OF
ENGLAND'S CHIEF ECONOMIST
RECENTLY SAID THAT "WE'RE ALL
WORSE OFF AND WE ALL HAVE TO
TAKE OUR SHARE."
WHICH MAKES IT A LESS-THAN-IDEAL
TIME FOR THIS TO BE HAPPENING.
THIS MORNING THE COUNTRY IS
CORONATION READY WITH ONLY ONE
WEEK TO GO UNTIL THE BIG DAY.
BUCKINGHAM PALACE IS RELEASING
THESE THREE BRAND-NEW IMAGES OF
THE SOON TO BE CROWNED KING AND
QUEEN.
LAST-MINUTE PREPARATIONS ARE
FEVERISHLY UNDERWAY; FROM
LATE-NIGHT REHEARSALS INVOLVING
HUNDREDS OF BRITISH MILITARY
PERSONNEL ON HORSEBACK, TO
POLISHING THE GRAND COACHES THE
KING AND QUEEN WILL TRAVEL IN.
John: YES, THE CORONATION OF
THE WORLD'S LEAST LIKABLE ORPHAN
IS LESS THAN A WEEK AWAY NOW.
MEANING, THEY'RE REALLY GOING
THROUGH WITH IT I GUESS.
THEY'RE ACTUALLY GOING TO PRINT
BANKNOTES WITH THE IMAGE OF A
MAN WHOSE FACE ONLY A MOTHER
COULD LOVE AND ONLY TWO COUSINS
COULD PRODUCE.
THE CORONATION IS HAPPENING ON
SATURDAY, AND WHILE PREPARATIONS
HAVE BEEN GOING ON FOR MONTHS
NOW, THEY'VE ALSO HIT SOME SPEED
BUMPS, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES
TO BOOKING MUSICAL ACTS FOR THE
"CORONATION CONCERT."
MANY TOP BRITISH PERFORMERS
WON'T BE SINGING FOR THE KING.
ACCORDING TO "ROLLING STONE,"
STARS LIKE ADELE AND THE
SPICE GIRLS.
ALL REPORTEDLY TURNING THE
OPPORTUNITY DOWN.
ELTON JOHN, WHO REGULARLY
PERFORMED AT CONCERTS FOR THE
QUEEN.
TELLING "ROLLING STONE" HE HAS
SCHEDULING ISSUES.
John: YEAH, OF COURSE HE
DOES.
ELTON JOHN WAS FAMOUSLY CLOSE
FRIENDS WITH DIANA.
IN HIS AUTOBIOGRAPHY, HE EVEN
CALLED HER, "INCREDIBLY
INDISCREET, A REAL GOSSIP: YOU
COULD ASK HER ANYTHING AND SHE'D
TELL YOU."
JUST LOOK AT THEM TOGETHER!
THAT IS THE FACE OF A MAN
LISTENING TO THE BEST GOSSIP
ABOUT HER HUSBAND THAT'S HE'S
EVER HEARD, WHILE STILL TRYING
TO APPEAR SYMPATHETIC.
CHARLES, ELTON JOHN KNOWS THINGS
ABOUT YOU.
AND NOT JUST THE TAMPON THING.
WAY WORSE THAN THE TAMPON THING.
SO NO, HE WILL NOT BE PLAYING AT
YOUR BIG FANCY PARTY.
AND TO BE HONEST?
YOU DON'T WANT HIM THERE.
AND LOOK, THIS IS CLEARLY A BIG
MOMENT IN BRITISH HISTORY, BUT
IT'S ALSO A REMINDER HOW
INTERTWINED THE MONARCHY IS WITH
THE GRIMMER MOMENTS OF THAT
HISTORY.
THE CHAIR IN WHICH CHARLES WILL
SIT IS APPARENTLY MISSING A
CORNER, THANKS TO A BOMB ATTACK
IN 1914 THOUGHT TO BE ORGANIZED
BY SUFFRAGETTES.
AND THEY AVOIDED HAVING CAMILLA
USE THIS CROWN DURING THE
CORONATION, BECAUSE IT CONTAINS
THE KOH-I-NOOR DIAMOND, WHICH,
Y'KNOW...
GOOGLE IT.
IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T WANT TO
EXPLAIN IT TO YOU, IT'S JUST
THAT A PERSON WHO SOUNDS LIKE
ME, BRITSPLAINING THE KOH-I-NOOR
DIAMOND IS, TECHNICALLY, A WAR
CRIME.
[LAUGHTER]
AND ALL OF THIS COMES AS YOUNG
BRITONS ARE INCREASINGLY TURNING
AGAINST THE MONARCHY.
ONE POLL FOUND THAT ONLY A THIRD
ACTIVELY BACK IT.
THAT POLL, BY THE WAY, ALSO
ASKED "DO YOU THINK KING CHARLES
IN IN TOUCH, OR OUT OF TOUCH,
WITH THE EXPERIENCES OF THE
BRITISH PUBLIC?"
AND I DON'T KNOW.
IS THIS GUY OUT OF TOUCH?
THIS GUY?
IS THIS GUY-- SORRY, THAT'S HIS
BROTHER WITH JEFFREY EPSTEIN.
IS THIS GUY?
OUT OF TOUCH?
WHO CAN REALLY SAY?
STILL, BRITAIN'S GOING ALL-IN TO
WHIP UP ENTHUSIASM.
THIS CHOCOLATE BUST OF CHARLES
WAS PRODUCED.
WHICH MIGHT LOOK EVEN MORE LIKE
HIM ONCE IT MELTS SLIGHTLY IN
THE SUN.
AND THEN THERE WAS THE
ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE CORONATION'S
OFFICIAL DISH.
THE KING AND QUEEN CONSORT
HAVE UNVEILED THEIR CORONATION
QUICHE.
THE SAVORY TART WILL BE SERVED
AT BIG LUNCHES CELEBRATING NEXT
MONTH'S EVENT.
A CRISP, LIGHT PASTRY CASE,
FILLED WITH THE DELICATE FLAVORS
OF SPINACH, BROAD BEANS, AND
FRESH TARRAGON.
BUT AT BUCKINGHAM PALACE, IT
SEEMS IT MIGHT NOT TICKLE ALL
MODERN TASTE BUDS.
I'M FINE WITH THE SPINACH,
BUT I'LL PASS ON THE BROAD
BEANS.
I AIN'T GOING TO LIE TO YOU,
THAT SOUNDS DISGUSTING.
John: YEAH, IT DOES!
BUT TO BE FAIR, THAT'S BECAUSE
IT'S A QUICHE.
IT'S PIE'S WEIRD CAMP FRIEND.
AND ON QUICHE'S BEST DAY, IT'S
NOTHING.
THE MOST A QUICHE CAN EVER HOPE
TO MAKE YOU FEEL IS, "SLIGHTLY
MORE FULL OF QUICHE."
ALTHOUGH I WILL SAY, THE
CORONATION QUICHE MIGHT BE A
PERFECT FIT FOR CHARLES, BECAUSE
IT'S SPECTACULARLY ORDINARY AND
CONTAINS AN UNLIKEABLE
COMBINATION OF INGREDIENTS.
STILL, IT'S TAKEN UP A TRULY
STUPID AMOUNT OF TIME ON BRITISH
TV.
CHEFS HAVE MADE IT, HOSTS HAVE
DISCUSSED IT, PEOPLE HAVE EATEN
IT, BUT THE QUICHE COVERAGE
REACHED ITS ABSURD APEX WHEN
NIGEL FARAGE APPEARED ON
AUSTRALIAN TV TO TRY AND
POLITICIZE IT.
SO, WE LEARNED TODAY THAT THE
OFFICIAL CORONATION CAKE IS A
VEGAN QUICHE.
HOW BORING.
OH DEAR, OH DEAR, OH DEAR.
MY HEART SUNK WHEN I SAW THAT
NEWS THIS MORNING.
John: SORRY TO INTERRUPT, BUT
YOUR HEART SANK WHEN YOU SAW
THAT NEWS?
THERE ARE WARS GOING ON, NIGEL.
EVERY DAY THE EARTH GETS ONE
DEGREE CLOSER TO DEATH AND IT
LOOKS LIKE CARRIE IS GETTING
BACK TOGETHER WITH AIDEN, BUT
THIS IS WHAT MUSTERED EMOTION
OUT OF YOU?
ALSO, FOR THE RECORD, IT'S NOT
VEGAN.
QUICHE IS PRETTY FAMOUSLY AN EGG
BASED DISH.
VEGANS DON'T EAT EGGS.
YOU'D KNOW THAT IF YOU'D EVER
LISTENED TO A VEGAN.
IT'S NOT THAT HARD, THEY'RE
LITERALLY ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT
IT.
BELIEVE IT OR NOT, THAT SEGMENT
EVEN CONTINUED.
I THINK WHAT WE'RE LOOKING AT
HERE OR WHAT WE'RE WARMING UP TO
POTENTIALLY IS THE AUSTERITY
CORONATION.
UGH.
TO MAKE SURE THAT WE'RE ALL
AS ENVIRONMENTALLY SENSIBLE AS
WE POSSIBLY CAN BE, AND SO IN
KEEPING WITH THAT, THEY HAVE
PRODUCED THE DULLEST, MOST
UNINSPIRING, AND MOST
POLITICALLY CORRECT DISH THAT
HAS EVER BEEN PRODUCED FOR A
MAJOR OCCASION IN THIS COUNTRY.
IT IS TRULY GHASTLY.
John: I MEAN, I DO KIND OF
GET WHERE HE'S COMING FROM.
YOU COULD ARGUE THIS IS A
BELT-TIGHTENING DISH FOR A
COUNTRY WHOSE ECONOMY IS
STRUGGLING.
AND IT KIND OF MAKES YOU WONDER
WHAT PACK OF DIPSHITS DROVE
BRITAIN OFF A FINANCIAL CLIFF IN
THE FIRST PLACE, BUT I GUESS A
"FORMER BREXIT LEADER" WOULDN'T
KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT.
AND LOOK, AT THE END OF THE DAY,
THE REASON EVERYONE'S
DESPERATELY TALKING ABOUT
CHARLES WANTING EVERYONE TO HAVE
BEAN QUICHE AT HIS FAKE JOB
PARTY IS THAT IT'S CLEARLY MORE
INTERESTING THAN HE IS.
WHICH IS A PROBLEM FOR THE
MONARCHY.
BUT THERE ARE SOME POTENTIAL
FIXES HERE.
IF I MAY, WHEN IT COMES TO THE
QUICHE, YOU COULD REPLACE THE
BEANS WITH CARAMELIZED LEEKS.
YOU COULD SWAP OUT THE CHEDDAR
WITH GRUYERE, AND A DASH OF GOAT
CHEESE.
ALSO, YOU COULD ADD A DRIZZLE OF
HONEY FOR SOME BALANCE, MAYBE
SPICY HONEY FOR SOME DEPTH IF
YOU'RE FEELING CHEEKY.
THEN, TO SERVE-- AND THIS
PART'S CRUCIAL-- I'D RECOMMEND
TAKING THAT QUICHE, AND THROWING
IT STRAIGHT IN THE FUCKING
TRASH, ALONG WITH THE MONARCHY
ITSELF, SO THAT BRITAIN CAN
FINALLY STOP HEMORRHAGING MONEY
SUPPORTING A FAMILY OF LIGHTLY
INBRED BILLIONAIRES.
AND NOW THIS.
Announcer: AND NOW, IS
MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY OKAY?
YES, THE FUTURE IS FOGGY.
AND IT SEEMS LIKE ON THIS
HIGHWAY CALLED LIFE, EVERYBODY'S
GOT THEIR HAZARDS LIGHTS ON.
YOU KNOW, MY APPETITE MIGHT BE
YOUR INDIGESTION.
YOUR APPETITE MIGHT MAKE MY
STOMACH QUEASY.
WE ARE NOT ALWAYS ALL READY TO
CHANGE FROM THE CATERPILLAR TO
THE BUTTERFLY.
SOMETIMES WE WANT TO COCOON.
THOSE VERY TRUTHS, DUTIES, AND
TOOLS.
THOSE ARE WHAT WE ARE GOING TO
NEED TO BUILD THAT ROCKET SHIP
TO GET US TO THOSE STARS THAT WE
ARE SHOOTING FOR.
WHETHER IT'S THE FUTURE OF THE
UNKNOWN OR OUR FLAWS.
WE HAVE TO LOOK THE MONSTER
IN THE EYE.
AND HOLD THAT SON OF A BITCH'S
GAZE.
YOU CAN MEASURE YOUR MISTRUST
IN OUNCES, BUT YOU CAN MEASURE
TRUST IN POUNDS.
BECAUSE I BELIEVE THE RECIPE FOR
YOUR PARTICULAR SECRET SAUCES
UNDER THE HOOD OF WHAT YOU DO
WELL.
NOT WHAT YOU DON'T.
NOW I FALL DOWN, I GET UP
AND DUST MYSELF OFF LIKE THAT.
I STEP IN A PILE OF SHIT, I KEEP
RUNNING WHILE I'M CLEANING THAT
SHIT OFF MY SHOE ON THE GO.
IF I STEP IN THE SAME PILE OF
SHIT EVERY I'M AROUND THE BEND
BECAUSE I NEVER TAKE STOCK OR
INVENTORY OF WHERE THAT PILE OF
SHIT THAT I KEEP STEPPING IN
WAS.
John: MOVING ON.
OUR MAIN STORY TONIGHT CONCERNS
IMMIGRATION.
IT'S THE REASON I'M HERE.
WELL, THE REASON I'M "IN THIS
COUNTRY."
NOT THE REASON I EXIST.
THE REASON FOR THAT SHOULD BE
OBVIOUS: A TAX ACCOUNTANT FUCKED
A STORK, AND VOILA, HERE I AM!
SPECIFICALLY, WE'RE GOING TO
TALK ABOUT THE SITUATION ON OUR
SOUTHERN BORDER.
AND I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING:
YOU'RE THINKING, FINALLY,
SOMEONE IS GOING TO ADDRESS THE
MAGNIFICENT STATUE IN EL PASO
KNOWN AS "PILE O' GATORS,"
FEATURING WHAT LOOKS LIKE A
BUNCH OF HORNY REPTILES ENGAGING
IN A SLOPPY SWAMP ORGY.
BUT WHILE THAT'S CERTAINLY A
SITUATION ON THE BORDER, IT'S
SADLY NOT "THE SITUATION," WHICH
REFERS TO WHAT'S GOING ON WITH
MIGRANTS DOWN THERE.
AND IF YOU ASK POLITICIANS ON
THE RIGHT, THAT SITUATION CAN BE
BEST SUMMED UP LIKE THIS.
OUR BORDER IS WIDE OPEN AND
OUT OF CONTROL AND AMERICANS ARE
DYING BECAUSE OF IT.
THE TRUTH IS THAT THERE IS AN
INVASION HAPPENING AT OUR
SOUTHERN BORDER.
MIGRANTS ARE ABSOLUTELY
INVADING THIS COUNTRY.
OUR COUNTRY IS UNDER ATTACK.
AMERICA IS BEING INVADED.
NO AMERICAN IS SAFE.
John: OKAY.
LET'S FIRST ACKNOWLEDGE THE
IRONY OF COWARDLY FREAKING OUT
ABOUT MIGRANTS IN FRONT OF A
SIGN THAT READS "MR. STRONG."
NEVER BEFORE HAS A NAME PLATE
FELT SO INTENSELY SARCASTIC.
BUT ALSO, SETTING ASIDE THE
BLATANT XENOPHOBIA, ARE THE TWO
OF YOU WEARING MATCHING OUTFITS?
BECAUSE IT SURE FEELS LIKE YOU
MET UP AT MEN'S WEARHOUSE, MADE
A BEELINE FOR "THE CAUCASIAN
COLLECTION," PICKED OUT THE
EXACT SAME SUIT, AND THEN WORE
IT LIKE "TWEEDLEDUM" AND
"TWEEDLE-DEPORTATION."
THE RIGHT HAS BEEN FEARMONGERING
ABOUT IMMIGRATION EVEN MORE THAN
USUAL LATELY.
AND TO BE FAIR-- ACTUALLY, I
DON'T HAVE TO BE FAIR.
FUCK THEM.
BUT TO BE FAIRER THAN THEY
ACTUALLY DESERVE, THERE IS A LOT
HAPPENING AT THE BORDER RIGHT
NOW.
THE NUMBER OF MIGRANT ENCOUNTERS
THERE, WHICH WAS RISING BEFORE
BIDEN CAME INTO OFFICE, REACHED
A RECORD HIGH LAST YEAR.
NOW, THAT'S HAPPENED FOR A
NUMBER OF REASONS, INCLUDING
WE'RE COMING OUT OF A
GLOBAL PANDEMIC, AND MULTIPLE
COUNTRIES, FROM HAITI TO
VENEZUELA TO UKRAINE, ARE IN
CRISIS RIGHT NOW.
SO THERE'S A HIGH NUMBER OF
PEOPLE FORCED TO FLEE THEIR
HOMES.
PLUS, SOME ASYLUM SEEKERS MAY,
UNDERSTANDABLY, HAVE BEEN
ENCOURAGED BY BIDEN'S RHETORIC
ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL, WHICH WAS
NOTABLY DIFFERENT THAN HIS
OPPONENT.
LOOK, I CAN ONLY IMAGINE WHAT
IT'S LIKE TO SEE SOMEONE IN YOUR
FAMILY DEPORTED.
THAT'S RIGHT.
I CAN ONLY IMAGINE WHAT
THAT'S LIKE.
AND I'VE-- TO ME, IT'S ALL
ABOUT FAMILY.
BEGINNING, MIDDLE, AND END, IT'S
ABOUT FAMILY.
THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN IN MY
ADMINISTRATION.
THE IDEA YOU CAN'T EVEN SEEK
ASYLUM ON AMERICAN SOIL?
CAN'T EVEN SEEK ASYLUM ON
AMERICAN SOIL?
WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?
TRUMP.
IT'S WRONG.
YOU'RE GOING TO CHANGE THAT?
YES, I AM.
John: YEAH, IT'S ALL ABOUT
FAMILY, BEGINNING MIDDLE AND
END, WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT
MEANS.
A PRETTY EMPTY PHRASE FROM A
PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE, BUT TO
BE HONEST, A PRETTY GOOD TAGLINE
FOR "FAST X."
IT'S ONLY MILDLY LESS
COMPREHENSIBLE THAN "THE END OF
THE ROAD BEGINS."
BUT AT THE TIME, THAT PROMISE
SOUNDED GOOD.
IT'S WORTH REMEMBERING THAT EVEN
IF BIDEN WASN'T YOUR FAVORITE
CANDIDATE-- EVEN IF HE WAS YOUR
LEAST FAVORITE CANDIDATE--
AFTER FOUR YEARS OF TRUMP, THAT
WAS PRETTY REFRESHING.
IT'S LIKE WANDERING THROUGH THE
SAHARA DESERT FOR FOUR YEARS AND
ALL OF A SUDDEN SEEING A PANERA.
I MEAN, IT'S NOT NECESSARILY
PARADISE IN ITS OWN RIGHT, BUT
COMPARED WITH WHAT YOU JUST WENT
THROUGH?
YOU'D KILL FOR AN ASIAGO TURKEY
SANDWICH AND A LEMONADE, NO
QUESTION.
PROMISES LIKE THAT ARE WHY WE
CITED BIDEN'S POTENTIAL TO UNDO
TRUMP'S DAMAGE ON IMMIGRATION AS
A KEY REASON TO VOTE FOR HIM,
JUST A WEEK BEFORE THE ELECTION.
NOW, DID WE MAKE THE DIFFERENCE?
WHO CAN SAY?
NURSES ARE THE REAL HEROES.
UNFORTUNATELY, WHEN IT COMES TO
THE SOUTHERN BORDER, BIDEN HAS
DISAPPOINTED IN A LOT OF WAYS.
BUT IT'S NOT BECAUSE HE'S OPENED
UP THE COUNTRY TO AN "INVASION"
IT'S ACTUALLY, IN MANY WAYS, THE
OPPOSITE.
MANY MIGRANTS, INCLUDING ASYLUM
SEEKERS, ARE FINDING IT
IMPOSSIBLE TO ACCESS THIS
COUNTRY THROUGH OUR PORTS OF
ENTRY, AND THE CONDITIONS THEY
ARE FACING ARE DIRE.
IN MANY BORDER CITIES SHELTERS
AND DETENTION CENTERS ARE
REPORTEDLY NEAR CAPACITY, WITH
THE DIRECTOR OF ONE OF THEM
SAYING, "EVERY DAY I TURN AWAY
AT LEAST TEN FAMILIES WITH
CHILDREN."
AND JUST LAST MONTH, AT LEAST 40
PEOPLE DIED WHEN A MIGRANT
CENTER CAUGHT FIRE.
AND FRUSTRATINGLY, A LOT OF THIS
HAS BEEN EXACERBATED BY U.S.
POLICIES THAT ARE WELL WITHIN
BIDEN'S POWER TO REMEDY.
AND YET, HE HASN'T.
AND THAT'S BASICALLY WHAT OUR
STORY IS ABOUT TONIGHT.
IT'S ABOUT WHAT BIDEN PROMISED
TO DO, WHAT HE HAS AND HASN'T
DONE, AND HOW HIS LATEST EFFORTS
TO FIX THINGS MIGHT ACTUALLY
MAKE THEM WORSE.
AND FIRST, LET'S ACKNOWLEDGE
IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO ASSESS WHAT
BIDEN'S DONE AT THE BORDER
WITHOUT LOOKING AT WHAT HE
INHERITED.
TRUMP CAMPAIGNED ON HIGH-OCTANE
XENOPHOBIA, AND HIS POLICIES
REFLECTED THAT, FROM LARGE-SCALE
FAMILY SEPARATION TO ATTACKING
DACA, TO HIS SO-CALLED "REMAIN
IN MEXICO" POLICY, WHICH LED TO
MASSIVE ENCAMPMENTS OF WOULD-BE
ASYLUM SEEKERS, SOUTH OF THE
BORDER.
AND TRUMP APPROACHED ALL OF IT
WITH HIS SIGNATURE CLARITY.
THE IMMIGRATION LAWS ARE
HORRIBLE.
WE'RE DOING AN INCREDIBLE JOB.
WE'RE DOING A RECORD-BREAKING
JOB, BUT WE HAVE BAD LAWS.
YOU KNOW WHEN YOU HAVE BAD LAWS
YOU CAN DO GOOD BUT YOU CAN DO A
LOT BETTER IF YOU HAD GOOD LAWS.
John: OKAY, THAT'S OBVIOUSLY
TOTAL GIBBERISH, BUT IF YOU LOOK
AT WHAT HE'S SAYING CLOSELY,
YOU'LL FIND IT'S ALSO, AND THIS
IS TRUE, A HAIKU.
[LAUGHTER]
I'M KIDDING, IT'S ABSOLUTELY
NOT, BUT WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF
IT WAS?
IF THAT BUFFOON WAS CAPABLE OF
ACCIDENTAL BEAUTY?
BUT IT'S NOT, AND HE ISN'T.
SO WE'RE BACK TO SQUARE ONE.
NOW, TO BIDEN'S CREDIT, HE
CREATED A TASK FORCE TO REUNIFY
THE SEPARATED FAMILIES, HE
STRENGTHENED PROTECTIONS AROUND
DACA, AND HE SUSPENDED THE
"REMAIN IN MEXICO" POLICY.
AND YET, THERE REMAIN HUGE
NUMBERS OF PEOPLE, STUCK JUST
SOUTH OF THE BORDER, IN CAMPS
THAT LOOK AN AWFUL LOT LIKE THE
ONES THAT WERE THERE DURING
TRUMP.
AND A SIGNIFICANT REASON FOR
THAT HAS TO DO WITH A POLICY
CALLED TITLE 42, WHICH ALLOWS
THE U.S. TO KICK MIGRANTS OUT OF
THE COUNTRY WITH SHOCKING EASE.
AND WE'VE TALKED ABOUT IT
BEFORE, BUT JUST AS A REFRESHER:
IT'S NOT ACTUALLY AN IMMIGRATION
LAW AT ALL.
IT'S AN ARCANE PUBLIC HEALTH
ORDER, AIMED AT PREVENTING THE
SPREAD OF COMMUNICABLE DISEASES.
THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION
IMPLEMENTED IT IN MARCH OF 2020,
INVOKING IT AS A SAFETY
PRECAUTION INTENDED TO PREVENT
COVID-19 FROM SPREADING THROUGH
BORDER PATROL STATIONS.
BUT THE TRUTH IS, LONG BEFORE
COVID, ITS USE HAD BEEN FLOATED
BY STEPHEN MILLER, A CHILD'S
ANSWER TO THE PROMPT, "DRAW
SQUIDWARD FROM MEMORY."
IN FACT, THE INVOCATION OF
TITLE 42 WAS REFERRED, TO "A
STEPHEN MILLER SPECIAL
HE WAS ALL OVER THAT," A
SENTENCE I HOPE NO ONE HAS TO
SPEAK OR HEAR EVER AGAIN.
AND MILLER HAS BRAGGED ABOUT
TITLE 42'S SWEEPING POWERS.
THE PRINCIPLE OF IT IS VERY
SIMPLE, WHICH IS THAT, DURING A
PANDEMIC, IF YOU COME INTO THIS
COUNTRY, YOUR VERY PRESENCE
HERE, IF YOU ENTER UNLAWFULLY,
IS A THREAT TO OUR PUBLIC
HEALTH, FULL STOP.
YOU GO HOME.
John: OKAY FIRST, I'M PRETTY
SURE IF YOU PLAYED THE SOUND OF
STEPHEN MILLER'S VOICE IN A
MATERNITY WARD, A NEWBORN INFANT
WOULD INSTINCTIVELY SAY--
DESPITE NOT HAVING ANY KNOWLEDGE
OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE-- "SHUT
THE FUCK UP."
BECAUSE THAT "THREAT TO OUR
PUBLIC HEALTH" LINE WAS
BULLSHIT.
WHILE TRUMP CLAIMED THE ORDER
ORIGINATED WITH THE CDC, ONE
FORMER HEALTH OFFICIAL SAID THEY
WERE EFFECTIVELY FORCED TO
IMPLEMENT IT, ADDING BUT THE
DO IT OR GET FIRED.
THE REASON TRUMP SEIZED ON IT IS
PRETTY OBVIOUS.
UNDER NORMAL CIRCUMSTANCES,
MIGRANTS HAVE THE LEGAL RIGHT TO
ASK FOR ASYLUM, NO MATTER WHERE
THEY CROSS THE BORDER.
BUT LIKE INCEL CAILLOU SAID,
TITLE 42 GAVE THE GOVERNMENT THE
POWER TO RAPIDLY EXPEL ANY
MIGRANT WITHOUT GIVING THEM AN
OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE A CASE FOR
STAYING IN THE COUNTRY LEGALLY,
INCLUDING TO SEEK ASYLUM.
AND YOU'D HOPE THAT, UPON TAKING
OFFICE, BIDEN WOULD MOVE AS FAST
AS POSSIBLE TO GET RID OF IT.
BUT INSTEAD, HIS
ADMINISTRATION'S BEEN ALL OVER
THE PLACE.
JUST A FEW MONTHS INTO HIS
PRESIDENCY, HIS SECRETARY OF
HOMELAND SECURITY SENT THIS
MESSAGE TO POTENTIAL MIGRANTS.
THE MESSAGE IS QUITE CLEAR.
DO NOT COME.
THE BORDER IS CLOSED.
THE BORDER IS SECURE.
WE ARE EXPELLING FAMILIES.
WE ARE EXPELLING SINGLE ADULTS
UNDER THE CDC'S AUTHORITY UNDER
TITLE 42 OF THE UNITED STATES
CODE BECAUSE WE ARE IN THE MIDST
OF A PANDEMIC, AND THAT IS A
PUBLIC HEALTH IMPERATIVE.
John: EXCEPT IT WASN'T A
PUBLIC HEALTH IMPERATIVE, AND
EVERYONE KNEW IT.
AND LOOK, IF YOU'RE GOING TO
PARROT TRUMP'S HARMFUL TALKING
POINTS, AT LEAST THROW IN SOME
OF THE FUNNY ONES AS WELL.
EVERY TIME YOU DO A PRESS
CONFERENCE TO BOLSTER SOME
BULLSHIT XENOPHOBIC POLICY LIKE
TITLE 42, YOU ALSO HAVE TO GO
OFF ON A TANGENT ABOUT HOW
ROBERT PATTINSON SHOULD HAVE
DUMPED KRISTEN STEWART.
IT IS THE LEAST YOU CAN DO.
FOR MONTHS AFTERWARD, THE BIDEN
ADMINISTRATION LET THE POLICY
STAND, AND EVEN AT ONE POINT
DEFENDED IT IN COURT.
THEN, TO BE FAIR, THEY DID TRY
TO END IT, ONLY FOR A FEDERAL
JUDGE TO BLOCK THOSE EFFORTS,
WITH REPORTING AT THE TIME
INDICATING THE "RULING WAS MET
WITH A SIGH OF RELIEF INSIDE THE
WHITE HOUSE."
MOREOVER, BIDEN ACTUALLY
EXPANDED WHO COULD BE EXPELLED
TO MEXICO UNDER TITLE 42.
BECAUSE WHILE THE ORDER
INITIALLY ALLOWED THE U.S. TO DO
THAT WITH MIGRANTS FROM THESE
FOUR COUNTRIES, HE CHOSE TO
BROADEN IT, FIRST TO INCLUDE
VENEZUELAN MIGRANTS, AND LATER
TO THOSE FROM CUBA, HAITI, AND
NICARAGUA.
AND THE ADMINISTRATION WILL
POINT OUT-- AND NOT WRONGLY--
THAT THEY HAVE ISSUED
HUMANITARIAN EXEMPTIONS TO
TITLE 42.
IT'S ESTIMATED THAT AROUND
187,000 MIGRANTS WERE GRANTED
EXEMPTIONS FROM MAY OF LAST YEAR
TO JUST LAST MONTH.
BUT NOT ONLY IS THAT A FRACTION
OF THOSE SEEKING ASYLUM, THE
ADMINISTRATION'S BEEN CRITICIZED
FOR A LACK OF CLARITY AND
CONSISTENCY IN WHO IS ELIGIBLE.
AND IN GENERAL, SOME HAVE ARGUED
THERE'S BEEN A PRETTY GLARING
DISCREPANCY IN WHO THE COUNTRY
HAS, AND HASN'T, DECIDED TO
ALLOW IN.
AT A MIGRANT SHELTER IN
TIJUANA, MEXICO, CLAIMS OF A
DOUBLE STANDARD: SPECIAL
TREATMENT FOR UKRAINIANS FLEEING
THE WAR AND BEING ADMITTED TO
THE U.S.
I LOVE THAT THE GOVERNMENT IS
HELPING THEM, BECAUSE THEY--
THEY'RE GOING THROUGH A REALLY
HARD SITUATION.
BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENS
FOR PEOPLE HERE.
EXACTLY.
WE SHOULD ALL BE TREATED THE
SAME-- THE SAME WAY.
HOW DO YOU GUYS ACCOUNT FOR
THE DIFFERENCE IN THE TREATMENT
BETWEEN THEM AND YOU GUYS?
RACISMO.
RACISM.
John: YEAH, OF COURSE.
"RACISM."
IS THE ANSWER TO SO MANY
QUESTIONS, LIKE, "WHY ARE SOME
PEOPLE TREATED DIFFERENTLY AT
THE BORDER?"
"WHY DID ROSEANNE BARR GET
FIRED?"
AND "WHY DOES YOUR GRANDPA
INSIST ON PRONOUNCING "KAMALA"
THE WAY HE DOES?"
AND TITLE 42-- INCLUDING
BIDEN'S EXPANDED USE OF IT--
HAS FUNCTIONALLY ROBBED PEOPLE
OF THEIR BASIC RIGHT TO MAKE AN
ASYLUM CASE FOR THEMSELVES.
WHICH CAN BE DEVASTATING.
JUST LISTEN TO THIS HONDURAN
MIGRANT TALK ABOUT GETTING ALL
THE WAY TO AMERICA WITH HIS
FAMILY, ON THE PRESUMPTION HE'D
BE ABLE TO APPLY FOR ASYLUM,
ONLY TO BE TAKEN INTO CUSTODY,
AND WOKEN UP ONE DAY WITH AN
UNPLEASANT SURPRISE.
ONE OF US ASKED, "WHERE ARE
YOU TAKING US?
IS IT TRUE WE'RE BEING
DEPORTED?"
THEY SAID, "NO, WE'RE NOT
DEPORTING YOU.
WE'RE TAKING YOU TO A SHELTER,
AND YOU CAN KEEP GOING FROM
THERE."
AND THAT WAS A LIE.
THEY TRICKED US.
WHEN WE GOT OFF THE BUS, WE
SAW THE SIGN THAT SAID TIJUANA,
BAJA CALIFORNIA.
THAT'S WHEN WE REALIZED WE'D
BEEN SENT BACK.
SO YOU DIDN'T REALIZE UNTIL
YOU WERE ALREADY IN MEXICO?
RIGHT.
ONCE WE WERE ALREADY HERE.
John: LOOK, THAT'S CLEARLY
NOT HOW IMMIGRATION POLICY
SHOULD WORK.
UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD
PEOPLE ON A BUS BE LIED TO ABOUT
WHERE IT'S GOING, UNLESS THAT
IS, IT'S A BACHELORETTE PARTY
BUS AND THEY'RE DEMANDING TO BE
TAKEN TO ANOTHER BAR EVEN THOUGH
ONE OF THEM ALREADY THREW UP ON
A PIGEON.
IN THAT CASE, AND THAT CASE
ALONE, YOU SAY "SURE," YOU SWING
BY CVS FOR SOME PEDIALYTE, AND
TAKE THEM BACK TO THEIR AIRBNB.
AND BECAUSE MANY MIGRANTS CAN'T
RETURN TO THE COUNTRY THAT THEY
WERE FLEEING, THEY WIND UP STUCK
ON OUR SOUTHERN BORDER-- OR
TRYING REPEATEDLY TO GET BACK
INTO THE COUNTRY, OFTEN AT THEIR
OWN PERIL.
MORE THAN 890 MIGRANTS DIED IN
BORDER CROSSINGS LAST YEAR,
MAKING IT THE DEADLIEST YEAR
SINCE THE U.S. GOVERNMENT BEGAN
TRACKING BORDER CROSSING DEATHS.
AND FOR THOSE STUCK IN MEXICO,
THE EXPERIENCE CAN BE HARROWING.
ONE GROUP FOUND THAT, SINCE
2021, THERE'VE BEEN OVER 13,000
REPORTS OF MURDER, TORTURE,
KIDNAPPING, RAPE, AND OTHER
VIOLENT ATTACKS ON MIGRANTS AND
ASYLUM SEEKERS BLOCKED IN OR
EXPELLED TO MEXICO UNDER
TITLE 42.
NOW, THE GOOD NEWS IS, TITLE 42
MAY BE ABOUT TO EXPIRE.
AND THE REASON FOR THAT IS, WHEN
THE BROADER COVID PUBLIC HEALTH
EMERGENCY ENDS ON MAY 11TH,
TITLE 42 IS EXPECTED TO EXPIRE
WITH IT.
THE BAD NEWS THOUGH, WITH WITH
OVER TWO YEARS TO PLAN, BIDEN'S
NEW PROPOSED RULE MAY NOT BE
MUCH OF AN IMPROVEMENT.
FOR ONE THING, ASYLUM SEEKERS
WILL NOW BE EXPECTED TO MAKE AN
APPOINTMENT AT A POINT OF ENTRY,
THROUGH A NEW GOVERNMENT APP
THAT BIDEN PROUDLY ANNOUNCED IN
JANUARY.
IF THEY'RE SEEKING ASYLUM,
THEY CAN USE AN APP ON THEIR
CELL PHONE CALLED CBP ONE--
O-N-E.
CBP ONE O-N-E.
THAT'S TO SPELL IT OUT, NOT THE
NUMBER ONE.
John: THANKS FOR SPELLING IT
OUT!
THAT HELPS A GREAT DEAL.
THIS IS THAT APP, AND AS YOU CAN
SEE, ITS ICON APPARENTLY
FEATURES-- I DON'T KNOW WHAT
ELSE THIS COULD BE-- A BORDER
PATROL AGENT WITH A RAGING
BONER.
IT HAS BEEN IN USE SINCE
JANUARY, AS A WAY FOR PEOPLE TO
REQUEST EXEMPTIONS TO TITLE 42,
AND THE EARLY RESULTS AREN'T
GREAT.
EVERY MORNING AT 9 AM, WOMEN
FRANTICALLY TRY TO REFRESH THE
GOVERNMENT APP HOPING TO GET AN
APPOINTMENT TO ENTER THE U.S.
WE WATCHED WITH KARINA BRECEDA
WHO RUNS THE SHELTER.
BY 9:05, ALL THE APPOINTMENTS,
AND HOPE, WERE GONE.
IT'S LOTTERY WITH PEOPLE'S
LIVES, WITH PEOPLE'S FAMILIES,
WITH PEOPLE'S LIVELIHOODS, WITH
PEOPLE'S WELL-BEING.
John: THAT IS HORRIBLE.
WE CLEARLY SHOULDN'T BE PLACING
PEOPLES' FATE IN THE HANDS OF A
SMARTPHONE APP.
AND DON'T GET ME WRONG, APPS CAN
SERVE A LOT OF FUNCTIONS.
FOR EXAMPLE, THIS ONE'S FOR
MESSAGING YOUR FRIENDS, THIS
ONE'S FOR RECEIVING ROBOCALLS,
THIS ONE'S FOR SEEING WHAT YOUR
MOM IS UP TO, THIS ONE'S FOR
ACCIDENTALLY TURNING IT ON,
MUTTERING "SHIT," AND FINALLY
TURNING IT OFF AFTER A MINIMUM
OF THREE TRIES, THIS ONE'S FOR
WATCHING DEMOCRACY CRUMBLE WHILE
CHER TWEETS THE MOST BAFFLING
SERIES OF EMOJIS YOU'VE EVER
SEEN, AND THIS ONE'S FOR LOOKING
AT PHOTOS OF PUGS WHO MAKE A
BETTER LIVING THAN YOU DO.
THE POINT HERE IS, WE USE APPS
FOR MANY PURPOSES, BUT
"RESERVING AN APPOINTMENT TO TRY
TO SECURE THE SAFETY OF YOUR
FAMILY" PROBABLY SHOULDN'T BE
ONE OF THEM.
AS OF RIGHT NOW, ONLY ABOUT 740
PEOPLE PER DAY CAN GET
APPOINTMENTS THROUGH THE APP.
BUT SINCE THERE ARE OBVIOUSLY
FAR MORE PEOPLE WHO NEED THEM,
A DAY'S APPOINTMENTS CAN RUN OUT
WITHIN MINUTES, WHICH IS WHY
SOME HAVE DUBBED THE APP "ASYLUM
TICKETMASTER"-- A TRULY
TERRIFYING COMBINATION OF WORDS.
AND JUST TAKE A MOMENT TO
APPRECIATE HOW SHITTY OF A
COMPANY TICKETMASTER IS.
PEOPLE SAW VULNERABLE MIGRANTS
BEING ROBBED OF THEIR ABILITY TO
SEEK ASYLUM AND THOUGHT, "HEY,
YOU KNOW WHAT THIS REMINDS ME
OF?
TICKETMASTER, A COMPANY ABOUT
CONCERTS."
WHAT'S MORE, MANY ASYLUM SEEKERS
HAVE OUTDATED CELLPHONES-- IF
THEY HAVE THEM AT ALL-- THAT
DON'T SUPPORT THE CBP ONE APP
AND OFTEN HAVE LIMITED OR NO
ACCESS TO THE INTERNET.
AND ON TOP OF ALL THIS, IT
REQUIRES PEOPLE TO UPLOAD A
SELFIE.
AND ITS FACIAL RECOGNITION
TECHNOLOGY HAS WORKED BETTER FOR
SOME THAN FOR OTHERS.
EVEN FOR DIGITALLY SAVVY
MIGRANTS, THE EXPERIENCE HAS
BEEN A CHALLENGE.
IT DOESN'T WANT TO SCAN.
IT DOESN'T WANT TO SCAN HIS
FACE.
THEY SAY THE APP HAS
GLITCHES, AND SOME EVEN CLAIM
THE FACIAL-RECOGNITION FEATURE
MALFUNCTIONS FOR THOSE WITH
DARKER SKIN.
I GET UP TO THE OPTION TO
SCAN MY FACE, BUT IT ASKS TO GET
CLOSER AND CLOSER, BUT IT
DOESN'T DO ANYTHING.
AND THAT'S THE PROBLEM, THAT IT
TAKES A LONG TIME TO LOAD AND
THAT'S WHERE IT FAILS.
SO WE TRY IT AGAIN.
John: YEAH, PRETTY BAD.
AT ONE SHELTER IN REYNOSA, THEY
EVEN HAD TO INSTALL BRIGHT
CONSTRUCTION LIGHTS FOR PEOPLE
WITH DARKER SKIN TO SHINE ON
THEIR FACES SO THE APP WOULD
RECOGNIZE THEM.
AND I'VE GOT TO SAY, GIVEN THE
HISTORY OF EVERYTHING THAT'S
HAPPENED IN THIS COUNTRY EVER,
IT'S HARD TO THINK OF ANYTHING
MORE ON-BRAND THAN A U.S.
IMMIGRATION APP THAT SCANS YOUR
FACE AND SAYS "NOT WHITE
ENOUGH."
AND NONE OF THIS IS EVEN GETTING
INTO SOME OF THE OTHER ISSUES
WITH THE APP, LIKE THAT IT'S
TOLD MIGRANTS TO REPORT TO
BORDER STATIONS 1,500 MILES
AWAY, AND HAS MADE IT VERY
DIFFICULT FOR FAMILIES TO GET
APPOINTMENTS TOGETHER.
AND FOR ANYONE CONSIDERING
TRYING TO CIRCUMVENT THE PROCESS
BY CROSSING THE BORDER BETWEEN
PORTS OF ENTRY TO REQUEST ASYLUM
- SOMETHING THAT, AGAIN, IS
COMPLETELY LEGAL-- UNDER
BIDEN'S PROPOSAL YOU WOULD BE
"PRESUMED INELIGIBLE FOR
ASYLUM," UNLESS YOU'VE ALREADY
APPLIED FOR IT, AND BEEN DENIED,
IN ANY COUNTRY THAT YOU'VE
ALREADY PASSED THROUGH.
AND AS MANY HAVE POINTED OUT,
THIS IS EERILY SIMILAR TO A
TRUMP ERA POLICY THAT MADE
MIGRANTS INELIGIBLE FOR ASYLUM
IF THEY PASSED THROUGH A THIRD
COUNTRY EN ROUTE TO THE U.S. AND
DIDN'T SEEK ASYLUM THERE FIRST.
THAT FORCED PEOPLE INTO
DANGEROUS SITUATIONS, AND WAS
COMPLETELY ANTITHETICAL TO THE
BASIC TENETS OF U.S. ASYLUM
POLICY.
AND THAT IS SOMETHING BIDEN
HIMSELF DEFINITELY USED TO
UNDERSTAND, GIVEN, REMEMBER,
HE'S THE GUY WHO SAID THIS.
CAN'T EVEN SEEK ASYLUM ON
AMERICAN SOIL?
WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?
John: OH I CAN ANSWER THAT
FOR YOU, JOE!
NOW!
IT'S IN A RULE YOU JUST
PROPOSED!
AND I KNOW THERE ARE A LOT OF
THINGS WE'D LIKE TO FORGET FROM
2020, LIKE THE WORD CUOMOSEXUAL,
OR HOW EVERYTHING WAS CAKE FOR A
WHILE, OR HOW GONZO MY HAIR GOT,
I LOOK LIKE I LEGALLY HAVE TO
TELL EVERY ONE I JUST MOVED INTO
THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
BUT YOUR OUTRAGE OF THE
TREATMENT OF ASYLUM SEEKERS
SHOULDN'T BE SOMETHING YOU'RE
ALLOWED TO JUST FORGET.
SO IF AND WHEN TITLE 42 EXPIRES
NEXT MONTH, IT SEEMS WE'RE NOT
GOING BACK TO THE WAY THINGS
WERE BEFORE TRUMP.
WITH BIDEN'S NEW PROPOSAL, WE'RE
JUST ENTERING A DIFFERENT PHASE
OF AN IMMIGRATION DYSTOPIA,
PARTICULARLY FOR ASYLUM SEEKERS.
AND A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE UNHAPPY
WITH IT.
THE U.N. HIGH COMMISSIONER FOR
REFUGEES HAS SAID IT'S
"INCONSISTENT WITH THE
FOUNDATIONAL PRINCIPLES OF
INTERNATIONAL REFUGEE LAW" AND
RECOMMENDED THAT THE GOVERNMENT
REFRAIN FROM ADOPTING IT.
LOOK, IT IS PRETTY OBVIOUS
TITLE 42 WAS NEVER A FUNCTIONAL
OR COMPASSIONATE MODEL OF
IMMIGRATION POLICY.
BUT NEITHER IS FUNNELING
MIGRANTS THROUGH AN APP WHOSE
BONER ICON ACTUALLY MAKES SENSE
NOW, GIVEN JUST HOW THOROUGHLY
IT FUCKS PEOPLE.
SO WHAT CAN WE DO?
WELL, RESTORING THE RIGHT TO
ASYLUM WOULD ROLL BACK AT LEAST
SOME OF THE HARM THAT'S BEEN
DONE HERE.
BUT THAT IS JUST THE START.
WE ALSO HAVE TO SCALE UP
CAPACITY OF OUR ENTIRE
IMMIGRATION SYSTEM, INCLUDING
OUR IMMIGRATION COURTS, WHICH,
AS WE'VE TALKED ABOUT ON THE
SHOW BEFORE, ARE MASSIVELY
OVERLOADED.
THEY'RE CURRENTLY ESTIMATED TO
HAVE A BACKLOG OF OVER 2 MILLION
CASES.
AND BEYOND THAT, IT IS CRITICAL
THAT WE ALSO EXPAND OTHER LEGAL,
NON-ASYLUM PATHWAYS INTO THIS
COUNTRY.
BASICALLY, WE BADLY NEED ACTUAL
IMMIGRATION REFORM, WHICH MEANS
CONGRESSIONAL ACTION.
BUT THAT HASN'T HAPPENED IN
DECADES.
AND UNTIL IT DOES, OUR
IMMIGRATION SYSTEM WILL REMAIN
FUNDAMENTALLY BROKEN.
BUT THAT'S NO EXCUSE FOR MAKING
THINGS EVEN WORSE WITH BAD
POLICY AND SHITTY APPS.
AND I KNOW THIS CAN BE HARD TO
HEAR FOR SOME DEMOCRATS, WHO ARE
RELUCTANT TO HEAR ANY CRITICISM
OF BIDEN.
THEY'LL POINT OUT THAT TRUMP WAS
ABSOLUTELY WORSE ON IMMIGRATION,
WHICH HE WAS.
BUT THAT'S TOO LOW A BAR.
BIDEN SHOULD, AT THE VERY LEAST,
BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR THE
PROMISES HE MADE.
BUT THE PROBLEM IS, WHEN IT
COMES TO ASYLUM SEEKERS IN
PARTICULAR, YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT
A GROUP OF PEOPLE FOR WHOM THOSE
PROMISES ARE AMONG THE EASIEST
TO BREAK.
AND THE FACT IS, MIGRANTS ARE
GOING TO KEEP SEEKING ASYLUM IN
THIS COUNTRY, AS THEY HAVE EVERY
LEGAL RIGHT TO DO.
AND WE NEED TO MAKE A CHOICE IN
WHETHER WE'RE COMFORTABLE TO
CONTINUE LEAVING SO MANY OF THEM
IN SQUALOR AND DANGER AT THE
BORDER, OR WHETHER WE'RE WILLING
TO FINALLY FULFILL OUR NATION'S
PROMISE OF OFFERING THEM A
SAFER, MORE HOPEFUL LIFE IN A
FREE COUNTRY COMPLETE WITH THE
HORNIEST PILE O' GATORS IN THE
ENTIRE WORLD.
AND NOW THIS.
Announcer: AND NOW, WAIT, DID
TUCKER CARLSON KNOW THIS WAS
COMING?
PEOPLE GETTING HIRED AND
DROVE OUT OF SOCIETY FORCING THE
WRONG THING.
EVEN ACCIDENTALLY.
SO PAY ATTENTION.
LET ME JUST BE TOTALLY CLEAR,
I'M NEVER GOING TO CALL FOR
ANYBODY'S FIRING FOR SAYING
SOMETHING STUPID ON TELEVISION
AS SOMEONE WHO SAID SOMETHING
STUPID ON TELEVISION.
OTHER PEOPLE MIGHT DISAGREE WITH
YOU AND THAT'S OKAY.
THAT DOESN'T MAKE OTHER VIEW
EVIL OR SHOULD BE FIRED FROM
YOUR JOB.
I'D BE HAPPY TO LIVE IN A WORLD
WHERE NOBODY GOT FIRED FOR
SAYING SOMETHING STUPID.
WHY ARE SO MANY PEOPLE BEING
FIRED RIGHT NOW?
YOU CAN BE FIRED FROM YOUR JOB
IF YOU DISOBEY.
DO YOU EVER SAY ANYTHING YOU
THINK AT WORK AND YOU CAN
BE FIRED.
YOU CAN BE FIRED.
MOST OF US DON'T HAVE JOB
SECURITY, I'VE BEEN FIRED.
PERHAPS I'LL BE FIRED AGAIN.
♪ ♪
[Cheers and applause]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
John: MOVING ON.
BEFORE WE GO TONIGHT, A QUICK
UPDATE.
YOU MAY REMEMBER LAST MONTH, WE
INTRODUCED YOU TO RADIANT
PLUMBING AND AIR CONDITIONING, A
TEXAS COMPANY STARTED BY A
MARRIED COUPLE WHO PRODUCE
ELABORATE MOVIE-THEMED ADS, FROM
A TOILET-THEMED AVENGERS PARODY,
TO A TOILET THEMED TERMINATOR
ONE, TO EVEN TAKING ON "DUNE".
THE PEOPLE ASK US TO BRING
PEACE TO THE CITY OF AUSTIN.
HOUSE RADIANT ACCEPTS!
I KNOW YOU.
THERE'S SOMETHING AWAKENING IN
YOUR MIND.
♪ ♪
John: YOU KNOW, WHEN
FRANK HERBERT WROTE "DUNE," I
DOUBT HE REALIZED THAT THE
QUINTESSENTIAL VERSION OF HIS
STORY WOULD BE MADE NOT BY
JODOROWSKY, NOT BY DAVID LYNCH,
NOT BY DENIS VILLENEUVE, BUT BY
A GAGGLE OF TEXAS TOILET
SPECIALISTS WITH AN AFTER
EFFECTS LOGIN.
WE LOVED THEIR INGENUITY SO
MUCH, WE ISSUED THEM A
CHALLENGE, SAYING, IF THEY
AGREED TO MAKE THEIR NEXT
COMMERCIAL BASED ON THE MYSTERY
MOVIE IN THAT ENVELOPE, WE'D
DEBUT IT ON THIS SHOW, AND GIVE
$10,000 TO THE CENTRAL TEXAS
FOOD BANK.
AND I'M HAPPY TO SAY THEY TOOK
US UP ON THAT OFFER.
AND LOOK, WE WERE NEVER GOING TO
FUCK THEM OVER WITH THE MOVIE
CHOICE, WE WERE NEVER GOING TO
FUCK THEM OVER BY GIVING THEM A
MOVIE LIKE "SCHINDLER'S LIST" OR
"TAR."
BUT WE WANTED TO CHALLENGE THEM.
SO THE FILM WE PICKED WAS
"MAGNOLIA."
THAT'S RIGHT, WE ASKED THEM TO
TURN P.T. ANDERSON'S SPRAWLING,
THREE-HOUR EPIC INTO A
COMMERCIAL FOR A TOILET-REPAIR
BUSINESS.
WHICH IS EASIER SAID THAN DONE.
"MAGNOLIA" IS A MOVIE WITH A
SHIT-TON OF MAIN CHARACTERS,
RANGING FROM A DERANGED
MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER TO A
STUCK ON A QUIZ SHOW TO A WOMAN
SO HYPED OUT ON COCAINE SHE
MIGHT EXPLODE TO THE COP WHO
COMES TO HER DOOR AND MAYBE
FALLS IN LOVE WITH HER.
IT ALSO FEATURES NOT ONE, BUT
TWO FATHER FIGURES DYING OF
CANCER, AND CATCHY LINES OF
DIALOGUE LIKE THIS.
I HAVE CANCER AND I'M DYING
VERY SOON.
IT'S METASTASIZED IN MY BONES.
John: LOOK, I'M NOT SAYING
THAT THIS FILM WAS EASY FOR THEM
TO TURN INTO A TOILET PARODY.
I'M NOT SUGGESTING THAT.
BUT WE WERE CONFIDENT THEY COULD
DO IT.
ALSO, VISUALLY, MAGNOLIA GIVES
THEM SOMETHING TO WORK WITH.
IT HAS A BLACK-AND-WHITE
PROLOGUE, A LITERAL RAINSTORM OF
FROGS, AND A MOMENT WHERE EVERY
CHARACTER SINGS THE SAME
AIMEE MANN SONG.
♪ IT'S NOT GOING TO STOP ♪
♪ 'TIL YOU WISE UP ♪
John: I'M TELLING YOU, THIS
MOVIE IS GREAT.
IT'S IS FANTASTICALLY BONKERS.
SO WE WERE EXCITED TO SEE WHICH
PARTS OF IT THEY CHOSE TO PARODY
AND SURPRISINGLY, IT TURNED OUT:
KIND OF ALL OF THEM.
SO WE'RE THRILLED TO SHARE WHAT
RADIANT DID WITH YOU TONIGHT.
AND SPOILER ALERT, THEY REALLY
OUTDID THEMSELVES WITH THE
TITLE.
THE YEAR WAS 1999.
A TYPICAL STORY, A NORMAL COUPLE
AND A NORMAL BUSINESS.
WHAT THEY BUILT TURNED OUT TO BE
ANYTHING BUT NORMAL.
♪ ♪
THE QUESTION IS, IF YOU HAVE
PROBLEMS WITH YOUR TOILET--
THE ANSWER IS, JUST CALL
RADIANT.
[KNOCKING]
I'LL BE RIGHT THERE!
OH, IT'S SUPER LOUD!
I'M HERE TO HELP.
SOMETIMES MY PLUMBING IS
BROKEN AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO
DO.
PROBLEMS WITH YOUR PLUMBING?
[DING]
JUST CALL RADIANT!
TELL HIM I'M OKAY.
EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE OKAY.
HOW DARE YOU JUDGE ME?
YOU'RE A TERRIBLE WATER
HEATER!
COLD SHOWERS MY WHOLE LIFE!
THERE'S PROBLEMS WITH YOUR
WATER HEATER?
[DING]
JUST CALL RADIANT!
I WANT TO BE COOL, BUT I'M SO
DARN HOT!
[CLANKING OF FALLING TOILETS]
THIS DARN AC!
IF I WERE SMART, I COULD CALL
RADIANT!
TOILETS ARE FALLING FROM THE
SKY!
[BARKING]
♪ ♪
THERE YOU HAVE IT.
THERE WAS THE STORY OF RADIANT
PLUMBING AND AIR CONDITIONING.
COULD IT ACTUALLY ALL HAVE BEEN
A COINCIDENCE?
ALL THIS HOUSE KNOWS FOR SURE IS
THAT IF YOU NEED HELP WITH YOUR
PLUMBING, AIR CONDITIONING, OR
DRAINS, JUST CALL RADIANT.
♪ THE ANSWER TO IT ALL ♪
♪ IS SIMPLY TO JUST CALL ♪
♪ RADIANT ♪
♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
John: EXCELLENT.
JUST EXCELLENT.
BUT HERE'S THE THING, JUST LIKE
MAGNOLIA ITSELF, THAT AD'S A
PIECE OF ART THAT REQUIRES
MULTIPLE VIEWINGS TO TRULY
APPRECIATE.
BECAUSE THE LEVEL OF DETAIL HERE
IS COMPLETE MADNESS.
THERE ARE MULTIPLE SCENES THAT
ARE SHOT-FOR-SHOT MATCHES FOR
THE ORIGINAL MOVIE, EVEN DOWN TO
THIS ZOOM IN ON A PIECE OF ART
IN "MAGNOLIA," WHICH THEY
CLEVERLY MATCHED WITH THIS ONE.
ALSO, IN THE ORIGINAL MOVIE, A
FALLING FROG INTERRUPTS A
SUICIDE ATTEMPT, AND IN THEIR
VERSION, A TOILET'S SUICIDE BY
DRILL IS THWARTED BY A TINY
FALLING TOILET.
THAT SUICIDAL TOILET, BY THE
WAY, BEARS THE WORDS, "I HAVE
CORROSION, IT IS IN MY
PORCELAIN, ONLY HAVE A COUPLE OF
MONTHS," WHILE THE OTHER DYING
FATHER FIGURE IS REPRESENTED BY
THIS WATER HEATER WEARING A
HOSPITAL GOWN WHICH BEARS THE
WORDS, "I HAVE CORROSION TOO,"
SAD FACE.
EVERY DETAIL IS DELIBERATE, EVEN
THE THERMOSTAT IN THIS SCENE IS
SET TO 99 DEGREES, REFERENCING
BOTH THE YEAR THE ORIGINAL FILM
WAS RELEASED AND THE YEAR THAT
RADIANT WAS FOUNDED.
THERE ARE MORE EASTER EGGS IN
THIS AD THAN IN A 10-EPISODE
MARVEL TV SHOW.
AT ONE POINT IN THE ORIGINAL
MOVIE, THIS CHARACTER SAYS TO
THIS CHARACTER THAT HE WILL
"DROPKICK THE DOGS IF THEY GET
NEAR ME," AND IF YOU WATCH VERY
CAREFULLY WHEN THEIR CHARACTERS
MEET IN THE RADIANT AD, YOU'LL
NOTICE THIS.
[SLO-MO BARK]
John: COME ON!
COME ON!
WHAT ELSE COULD YOU POSSIBLY
WANT?
NOT ONLY DID THEY GO ABOVE AND
BEYOND, THEY'RE EVEN MATCHING
OUR DONATION WITH ONE TO THE
SAN ANTONIO FOOD BANK.
RADIANT PLUMBING, YOU HAVE
DELIVERED.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
HONESTLY, I STILL DON'T KNOW IF
YOU'RE ANY GOOD AT PLUMBING, AND
IF IT TURNS OUT YOU'RE TERRIBLE
AT IT, THAT WOULD ACTUALLY MAKE
ALL THIS TEN TIMES FUNNIER.
BUT ONE THING IS FOR SURE, WHEN
IT COMES TO TOILET-BASED CINEMA,
YOU ARE UNPARALLELED.
AND I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE WHAT
YOU DO NEXT, BECAUSE REMEMBER:
IF YOU CAN DREAM IT, YOU CAN
TOILET.
[BARKING]
EXACTLY.
THAT'S OUR SHOW.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WATCHING.
GOOD NIGHT!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪