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♪ ♪

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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

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John: WELCOME, WELCOME,

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WELCOME TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT!"

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I'M JOHN OLIVER.

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THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING

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US.

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IT HAS BEEN A BUSY WEEK.

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FOX NEWS FOUND ITSELF LOOKING

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FOR A NEW HOST OF

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"WHITE GRIEVANCE TONIGHT."

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MONTANA LAWMAKERS BARRED TRANS

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REPRESENTATIVE ZOOEY ZEPHYR FROM

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THE HOUSE FLOOR.

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AND MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY GAVE A

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MOTIVATIONAL SEMINAR TITLED

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"THE ART OF LIVIN'."

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I CAN'T SHOW YOU ALL OF IT, BUT

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HERE IS JUST A TASTE.

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IN 1999, I JUST HAD A DREAM

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THAT I WAS FLOATING DOWN A

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RIVER, NAKED, WRAPPED UP IN

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ANACONDAS, SHARKS, PIRANHAS AND

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CROCODILES, AND LINED ALONG THE

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RIDGE OF THE RIVER, THERE WERE

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THOUSANDS OF AFRICAN TRIBESMEN,

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EACH HOLDING A SHIELD AND A

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SPEAR.

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AND IT WASN'T A NIGHTMARE.

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ACTUALLY, IT WAS A WET DREAM.

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John: WOW, WHAT A TWIST AT

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THE END THERE.

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"I KNOW MY DREAM MIGHT'VE

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CONTAINED SOME PRETTY DICEY

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RACIAL IMAGERY THERE, BUT WOULD

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IT HELP TO KNOW THAT, AT THE END

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OF IT, I EJACULATED?"

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THAT EVENT WAS-- AND THIS IS

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TRUE-- FIVE AND A HALF HOURS

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LONG, AND I'M NOT SURE WHAT

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LESSON YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO LEARN

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FROM IT OTHER THAN: IF YOU TRY

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TO DO DRUGS WITH

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MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY, YOU WILL

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DIE.

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BUT WE'RE GOING TO START IN THE

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UK, WHERE THE ECONOMY'S IN

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TURMOIL, AND THE BANK OF

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ENGLAND'S CHIEF ECONOMIST

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RECENTLY SAID THAT "WE'RE ALL

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WORSE OFF AND WE ALL HAVE TO

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TAKE OUR SHARE."

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WHICH MAKES IT A LESS-THAN-IDEAL

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TIME FOR THIS TO BE HAPPENING.

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THIS MORNING THE COUNTRY IS

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CORONATION READY WITH ONLY ONE

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WEEK TO GO UNTIL THE BIG DAY.

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BUCKINGHAM PALACE IS RELEASING

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THESE THREE BRAND-NEW IMAGES OF

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THE SOON TO BE CROWNED KING AND

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QUEEN.

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LAST-MINUTE PREPARATIONS ARE

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FEVERISHLY UNDERWAY; FROM

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LATE-NIGHT REHEARSALS INVOLVING

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HUNDREDS OF BRITISH MILITARY

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PERSONNEL ON HORSEBACK, TO

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POLISHING THE GRAND COACHES THE

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KING AND QUEEN WILL TRAVEL IN.

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John: YES, THE CORONATION OF

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THE WORLD'S LEAST LIKABLE ORPHAN

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IS LESS THAN A WEEK AWAY NOW.

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MEANING, THEY'RE REALLY GOING

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THROUGH WITH IT I GUESS.

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THEY'RE ACTUALLY GOING TO PRINT

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BANKNOTES WITH THE IMAGE OF A

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MAN WHOSE FACE ONLY A MOTHER

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COULD LOVE AND ONLY TWO COUSINS

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COULD PRODUCE.

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THE CORONATION IS HAPPENING ON

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SATURDAY, AND WHILE PREPARATIONS

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HAVE BEEN GOING ON FOR MONTHS

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NOW, THEY'VE ALSO HIT SOME SPEED

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BUMPS, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES

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TO BOOKING MUSICAL ACTS FOR THE

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"CORONATION CONCERT."

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MANY TOP BRITISH PERFORMERS

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WON'T BE SINGING FOR THE KING.

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ACCORDING TO "ROLLING STONE,"

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STARS LIKE ADELE AND THE

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SPICE GIRLS.

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ALL REPORTEDLY TURNING THE

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OPPORTUNITY DOWN.

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ELTON JOHN, WHO REGULARLY

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PERFORMED AT CONCERTS FOR THE

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QUEEN.

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TELLING "ROLLING STONE" HE HAS

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SCHEDULING ISSUES.

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John: YEAH, OF COURSE HE

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DOES.

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ELTON JOHN WAS FAMOUSLY CLOSE

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FRIENDS WITH DIANA.

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IN HIS AUTOBIOGRAPHY, HE EVEN

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CALLED HER, "INCREDIBLY

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INDISCREET, A REAL GOSSIP: YOU

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COULD ASK HER ANYTHING AND SHE'D

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TELL YOU."

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JUST LOOK AT THEM TOGETHER!

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THAT IS THE FACE OF A MAN

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LISTENING TO THE BEST GOSSIP

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ABOUT HER HUSBAND THAT'S HE'S

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EVER HEARD, WHILE STILL TRYING

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TO APPEAR SYMPATHETIC.

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CHARLES, ELTON JOHN KNOWS THINGS

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ABOUT YOU.

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AND NOT JUST THE TAMPON THING.

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WAY WORSE THAN THE TAMPON THING.

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SO NO, HE WILL NOT BE PLAYING AT

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YOUR BIG FANCY PARTY.

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AND TO BE HONEST?

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YOU DON'T WANT HIM THERE.

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AND LOOK, THIS IS CLEARLY A BIG

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MOMENT IN BRITISH HISTORY, BUT

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IT'S ALSO A REMINDER HOW

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INTERTWINED THE MONARCHY IS WITH

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THE GRIMMER MOMENTS OF THAT

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HISTORY.

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THE CHAIR IN WHICH CHARLES WILL

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SIT IS APPARENTLY MISSING A

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CORNER, THANKS TO A BOMB ATTACK

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IN 1914 THOUGHT TO BE ORGANIZED

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BY SUFFRAGETTES.

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AND THEY AVOIDED HAVING CAMILLA

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USE THIS CROWN DURING THE

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CORONATION, BECAUSE IT CONTAINS

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THE KOH-I-NOOR DIAMOND, WHICH,

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Y'KNOW...

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GOOGLE IT.

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IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T WANT TO

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EXPLAIN IT TO YOU, IT'S JUST

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THAT A PERSON WHO SOUNDS LIKE

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ME, BRITSPLAINING THE KOH-I-NOOR

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DIAMOND IS, TECHNICALLY, A WAR

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CRIME.

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[LAUGHTER]

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AND ALL OF THIS COMES AS YOUNG

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BRITONS ARE INCREASINGLY TURNING

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AGAINST THE MONARCHY.

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ONE POLL FOUND THAT ONLY A THIRD

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ACTIVELY BACK IT.

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THAT POLL, BY THE WAY, ALSO

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ASKED "DO YOU THINK KING CHARLES

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IN IN TOUCH, OR OUT OF TOUCH,

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WITH THE EXPERIENCES OF THE

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BRITISH PUBLIC?"

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AND I DON'T KNOW.

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IS THIS GUY OUT OF TOUCH?

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THIS GUY?

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IS THIS GUY-- SORRY, THAT'S HIS

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BROTHER WITH JEFFREY EPSTEIN.

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IS THIS GUY?

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OUT OF TOUCH?

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WHO CAN REALLY SAY?

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STILL, BRITAIN'S GOING ALL-IN TO

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WHIP UP ENTHUSIASM.

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THIS CHOCOLATE BUST OF CHARLES

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WAS PRODUCED.

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WHICH MIGHT LOOK EVEN MORE LIKE

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HIM ONCE IT MELTS SLIGHTLY IN

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THE SUN.

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AND THEN THERE WAS THE

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ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE CORONATION'S

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OFFICIAL DISH.

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THE KING AND QUEEN CONSORT

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HAVE UNVEILED THEIR CORONATION

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QUICHE.

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THE SAVORY TART WILL BE SERVED

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AT BIG LUNCHES CELEBRATING NEXT

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MONTH'S EVENT.

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A CRISP, LIGHT PASTRY CASE,

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FILLED WITH THE DELICATE FLAVORS

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OF SPINACH, BROAD BEANS, AND

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FRESH TARRAGON.

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BUT AT BUCKINGHAM PALACE, IT

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SEEMS IT MIGHT NOT TICKLE ALL

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MODERN TASTE BUDS.

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I'M FINE WITH THE SPINACH,

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BUT I'LL PASS ON THE BROAD

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BEANS.

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I AIN'T GOING TO LIE TO YOU,

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THAT SOUNDS DISGUSTING.

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John: YEAH, IT DOES!

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BUT TO BE FAIR, THAT'S BECAUSE

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IT'S A QUICHE.

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IT'S PIE'S WEIRD CAMP FRIEND.

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AND ON QUICHE'S BEST DAY, IT'S

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NOTHING.

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THE MOST A QUICHE CAN EVER HOPE

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TO MAKE YOU FEEL IS, "SLIGHTLY

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MORE FULL OF QUICHE."

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ALTHOUGH I WILL SAY, THE

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CORONATION QUICHE MIGHT BE A

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PERFECT FIT FOR CHARLES, BECAUSE

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IT'S SPECTACULARLY ORDINARY AND

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CONTAINS AN UNLIKEABLE

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COMBINATION OF INGREDIENTS.

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STILL, IT'S TAKEN UP A TRULY

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STUPID AMOUNT OF TIME ON BRITISH

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TV.

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CHEFS HAVE MADE IT, HOSTS HAVE

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DISCUSSED IT, PEOPLE HAVE EATEN

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IT, BUT THE QUICHE COVERAGE

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REACHED ITS ABSURD APEX WHEN

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NIGEL FARAGE APPEARED ON

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AUSTRALIAN TV TO TRY AND

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POLITICIZE IT.

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SO, WE LEARNED TODAY THAT THE

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OFFICIAL CORONATION CAKE IS A

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VEGAN QUICHE.

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HOW BORING.

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OH DEAR, OH DEAR, OH DEAR.

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MY HEART SUNK WHEN I SAW THAT

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NEWS THIS MORNING.

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John: SORRY TO INTERRUPT, BUT

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YOUR HEART SANK WHEN YOU SAW

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THAT NEWS?

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THERE ARE WARS GOING ON, NIGEL.

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EVERY DAY THE EARTH GETS ONE

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DEGREE CLOSER TO DEATH AND IT

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LOOKS LIKE CARRIE IS GETTING

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BACK TOGETHER WITH AIDEN, BUT

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THIS IS WHAT MUSTERED EMOTION

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OUT OF YOU?

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ALSO, FOR THE RECORD, IT'S NOT

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VEGAN.

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QUICHE IS PRETTY FAMOUSLY AN EGG

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BASED DISH.

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VEGANS DON'T EAT EGGS.

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YOU'D KNOW THAT IF YOU'D EVER

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LISTENED TO A VEGAN.

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IT'S NOT THAT HARD, THEY'RE

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LITERALLY ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT

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IT.

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BELIEVE IT OR NOT, THAT SEGMENT

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EVEN CONTINUED.

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I THINK WHAT WE'RE LOOKING AT

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HERE OR WHAT WE'RE WARMING UP TO

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POTENTIALLY IS THE AUSTERITY

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CORONATION.

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UGH.

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TO MAKE SURE THAT WE'RE ALL

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AS ENVIRONMENTALLY SENSIBLE AS

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WE POSSIBLY CAN BE, AND SO IN

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KEEPING WITH THAT, THEY HAVE

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PRODUCED THE DULLEST, MOST

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UNINSPIRING, AND MOST

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POLITICALLY CORRECT DISH THAT

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HAS EVER BEEN PRODUCED FOR A

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MAJOR OCCASION IN THIS COUNTRY.

259
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IT IS TRULY GHASTLY.

260
00:06:54,046 --> 00:06:55,815
John: I MEAN, I DO KIND OF

261
00:06:55,815 --> 00:06:57,049
GET WHERE HE'S COMING FROM.

262
00:06:57,049 --> 00:06:58,117
YOU COULD ARGUE THIS IS A

263
00:06:58,117 --> 00:06:59,352
BELT-TIGHTENING DISH FOR A

264
00:06:59,352 --> 00:07:00,019
COUNTRY WHOSE ECONOMY IS

265
00:07:00,019 --> 00:07:02,355
STRUGGLING.

266
00:07:02,355 --> 00:07:03,756
AND IT KIND OF MAKES YOU WONDER

267
00:07:03,756 --> 00:07:05,391
WHAT PACK OF DIPSHITS DROVE

268
00:07:05,391 --> 00:07:06,859
BRITAIN OFF A FINANCIAL CLIFF IN

269
00:07:06,859 --> 00:07:08,361
THE FIRST PLACE, BUT I GUESS A

270
00:07:08,361 --> 00:07:08,995
"FORMER BREXIT LEADER" WOULDN'T

271
00:07:08,995 --> 00:07:10,363
KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT.

272
00:07:10,363 --> 00:07:11,664
AND LOOK, AT THE END OF THE DAY,

273
00:07:11,664 --> 00:07:12,398
THE REASON EVERYONE'S

274
00:07:12,398 --> 00:07:13,666
DESPERATELY TALKING ABOUT

275
00:07:13,666 --> 00:07:16,202
CHARLES WANTING EVERYONE TO HAVE

276
00:07:16,202 --> 00:07:19,572
BEAN QUICHE AT HIS FAKE JOB

277
00:07:19,572 --> 00:07:20,339
PARTY IS THAT IT'S CLEARLY MORE

278
00:07:20,339 --> 00:07:20,873
INTERESTING THAN HE IS.

279
00:07:20,873 --> 00:07:21,407
WHICH IS A PROBLEM FOR THE

280
00:07:21,407 --> 00:07:22,074
MONARCHY.

281
00:07:22,074 --> 00:07:22,942
BUT THERE ARE SOME POTENTIAL

282
00:07:22,942 --> 00:07:23,810
FIXES HERE.

283
00:07:23,810 --> 00:07:25,244
IF I MAY, WHEN IT COMES TO THE

284
00:07:25,244 --> 00:07:25,978
QUICHE, YOU COULD REPLACE THE

285
00:07:25,978 --> 00:07:27,947
BEANS WITH CARAMELIZED LEEKS.

286
00:07:27,947 --> 00:07:29,282
YOU COULD SWAP OUT THE CHEDDAR

287
00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:29,916
WITH GRUYERE, AND A DASH OF GOAT

288
00:07:29,916 --> 00:07:31,417
CHEESE.

289
00:07:31,417 --> 00:07:32,718
ALSO, YOU COULD ADD A DRIZZLE OF

290
00:07:32,718 --> 00:07:33,319
HONEY FOR SOME BALANCE, MAYBE

291
00:07:33,319 --> 00:07:35,188
SPICY HONEY FOR SOME DEPTH IF

292
00:07:35,188 --> 00:07:36,689
YOU'RE FEELING CHEEKY.

293
00:07:36,689 --> 00:07:37,223
THEN, TO SERVE-- AND THIS

294
00:07:37,223 --> 00:07:39,826
PART'S CRUCIAL-- I'D RECOMMEND

295
00:07:39,826 --> 00:07:40,626
TAKING THAT QUICHE, AND THROWING

296
00:07:40,626 --> 00:07:45,264
IT STRAIGHT IN THE FUCKING

297
00:07:45,264 --> 00:07:45,865
TRASH, ALONG WITH THE MONARCHY

298
00:07:45,865 --> 00:07:46,432
ITSELF, SO THAT BRITAIN CAN

299
00:07:46,432 --> 00:07:47,466
FINALLY STOP HEMORRHAGING MONEY

300
00:07:47,466 --> 00:07:48,734
SUPPORTING A FAMILY OF LIGHTLY

301
00:07:48,734 --> 00:07:50,636
INBRED BILLIONAIRES.

302
00:07:50,636 --> 00:07:52,605
AND NOW THIS.

303
00:07:52,605 --> 00:07:54,807
Announcer: AND NOW, IS

304
00:07:54,807 --> 00:07:57,143
MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY OKAY?

305
00:07:57,143 --> 00:08:00,046
YES, THE FUTURE IS FOGGY.

306
00:08:00,046 --> 00:08:01,681
AND IT SEEMS LIKE ON THIS

307
00:08:01,681 --> 00:08:03,082
HIGHWAY CALLED LIFE, EVERYBODY'S

308
00:08:03,082 --> 00:08:05,685
GOT THEIR HAZARDS LIGHTS ON.

309
00:08:05,685 --> 00:08:06,886
YOU KNOW, MY APPETITE MIGHT BE

310
00:08:06,886 --> 00:08:08,654
YOUR INDIGESTION.

311
00:08:08,654 --> 00:08:09,722
YOUR APPETITE MIGHT MAKE MY

312
00:08:09,722 --> 00:08:16,162
STOMACH QUEASY.

313
00:08:16,162 --> 00:08:17,396
WE ARE NOT ALWAYS ALL READY TO

314
00:08:17,396 --> 00:08:18,364
CHANGE FROM THE CATERPILLAR TO

315
00:08:18,364 --> 00:08:18,698
THE BUTTERFLY.

316
00:08:18,698 --> 00:08:20,132
SOMETIMES WE WANT TO COCOON.

317
00:08:20,132 --> 00:08:21,601
THOSE VERY TRUTHS, DUTIES, AND

318
00:08:21,601 --> 00:08:22,068
TOOLS.

319
00:08:22,068 --> 00:08:23,603
THOSE ARE WHAT WE ARE GOING TO

320
00:08:23,603 --> 00:08:25,905
NEED TO BUILD THAT ROCKET SHIP

321
00:08:25,905 --> 00:08:26,539
TO GET US TO THOSE STARS THAT WE

322
00:08:26,539 --> 00:08:32,912
ARE SHOOTING FOR.

323
00:08:32,912 --> 00:08:34,547
WHETHER IT'S THE FUTURE OF THE

324
00:08:34,547 --> 00:08:35,948
UNKNOWN OR OUR FLAWS.

325
00:08:35,948 --> 00:08:36,883
WE HAVE TO LOOK THE MONSTER

326
00:08:36,883 --> 00:08:37,483
IN THE EYE.

327
00:08:37,483 --> 00:08:38,150
AND HOLD THAT SON OF A BITCH'S

328
00:08:38,150 --> 00:08:41,587
GAZE.

329
00:08:41,587 --> 00:08:42,188
YOU CAN MEASURE YOUR MISTRUST

330
00:08:42,188 --> 00:08:42,788
IN OUNCES, BUT YOU CAN MEASURE

331
00:08:42,788 --> 00:08:47,326
TRUST IN POUNDS.

332
00:08:47,326 --> 00:08:48,561
BECAUSE I BELIEVE THE RECIPE FOR

333
00:08:48,561 --> 00:08:49,695
YOUR PARTICULAR SECRET SAUCES

334
00:08:49,695 --> 00:08:50,396
UNDER THE HOOD OF WHAT YOU DO

335
00:08:50,396 --> 00:08:51,264
WELL.

336
00:08:51,264 --> 00:08:57,470
NOT WHAT YOU DON'T.

337
00:08:57,470 --> 00:08:58,471
NOW I FALL DOWN, I GET UP

338
00:08:58,471 --> 00:09:00,673
AND DUST MYSELF OFF LIKE THAT.

339
00:09:00,673 --> 00:09:13,286
I STEP IN A PILE OF SHIT, I KEEP

340
00:09:13,286 --> 00:09:13,920
RUNNING WHILE I'M CLEANING THAT

341
00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:15,388
SHIT OFF MY SHOE ON THE GO.

342
00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:16,789
IF I STEP IN THE SAME PILE OF

343
00:09:16,789 --> 00:09:17,390
SHIT EVERY I'M AROUND THE BEND

344
00:09:17,390 --> 00:09:19,292
BECAUSE I NEVER TAKE STOCK OR

345
00:09:19,292 --> 00:09:19,926
INVENTORY OF WHERE THAT PILE OF

346
00:09:19,926 --> 00:09:20,493
SHIT THAT I KEEP STEPPING IN

347
00:09:20,493 --> 00:09:20,660
WAS.

348
00:09:20,660 --> 00:09:21,427
John: MOVING ON.

349
00:09:21,427 --> 00:09:22,328
OUR MAIN STORY TONIGHT CONCERNS

350
00:09:22,328 --> 00:09:24,797
IMMIGRATION.

351
00:09:24,797 --> 00:09:25,464
IT'S THE REASON I'M HERE.

352
00:09:25,464 --> 00:09:26,699
WELL, THE REASON I'M "IN THIS

353
00:09:26,699 --> 00:09:27,233
COUNTRY."

354
00:09:27,233 --> 00:09:31,771
NOT THE REASON I EXIST.

355
00:09:31,771 --> 00:09:33,739
THE REASON FOR THAT SHOULD BE

356
00:09:33,739 --> 00:09:35,474
OBVIOUS: A TAX ACCOUNTANT FUCKED

357
00:09:35,474 --> 00:09:36,409
A STORK, AND VOILA, HERE I AM!

358
00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:36,976
SPECIFICALLY, WE'RE GOING TO

359
00:09:36,976 --> 00:09:37,610
TALK ABOUT THE SITUATION ON OUR

360
00:09:37,610 --> 00:09:39,679
SOUTHERN BORDER.

361
00:09:39,679 --> 00:09:40,313
AND I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING:

362
00:09:40,313 --> 00:09:40,846
YOU'RE THINKING, FINALLY,

363
00:09:40,846 --> 00:09:41,480
SOMEONE IS GOING TO ADDRESS THE

364
00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:43,516
MAGNIFICENT STATUE IN EL PASO

365
00:09:43,516 --> 00:09:44,050
KNOWN AS "PILE O' GATORS,"

366
00:09:44,050 --> 00:09:44,617
FEATURING WHAT LOOKS LIKE A

367
00:09:44,617 --> 00:09:45,451
BUNCH OF HORNY REPTILES ENGAGING

368
00:09:45,451 --> 00:09:47,586
IN A SLOPPY SWAMP ORGY.

369
00:09:47,586 --> 00:09:48,587
BUT WHILE THAT'S CERTAINLY A

370
00:09:48,587 --> 00:09:49,622
SITUATION ON THE BORDER, IT'S

371
00:09:49,622 --> 00:09:50,723
SADLY NOT "THE SITUATION," WHICH

372
00:09:50,723 --> 00:09:52,224
REFERS TO WHAT'S GOING ON WITH

373
00:09:52,224 --> 00:09:53,292
MIGRANTS DOWN THERE.

374
00:09:53,292 --> 00:09:54,460
AND IF YOU ASK POLITICIANS ON

375
00:09:54,460 --> 00:09:58,364
THE RIGHT, THAT SITUATION CAN BE

376
00:09:58,364 --> 00:09:58,898
BEST SUMMED UP LIKE THIS.

377
00:09:58,898 --> 00:10:00,399
OUR BORDER IS WIDE OPEN AND

378
00:10:00,399 --> 00:10:01,701
OUT OF CONTROL AND AMERICANS ARE

379
00:10:01,701 --> 00:10:03,002
DYING BECAUSE OF IT.

380
00:10:03,002 --> 00:10:04,170
THE TRUTH IS THAT THERE IS AN

381
00:10:04,170 --> 00:10:05,137
INVASION HAPPENING AT OUR

382
00:10:05,137 --> 00:10:06,739
SOUTHERN BORDER.

383
00:10:06,739 --> 00:10:07,673
MIGRANTS ARE ABSOLUTELY

384
00:10:07,673 --> 00:10:09,508
INVADING THIS COUNTRY.

385
00:10:09,508 --> 00:10:14,513
OUR COUNTRY IS UNDER ATTACK.

386
00:10:14,513 --> 00:10:17,817
AMERICA IS BEING INVADED.

387
00:10:17,817 --> 00:10:20,052
NO AMERICAN IS SAFE.

388
00:10:20,052 --> 00:10:20,619
John: OKAY.

389
00:10:20,619 --> 00:10:21,721
LET'S FIRST ACKNOWLEDGE THE

390
00:10:21,721 --> 00:10:23,389
IRONY OF COWARDLY FREAKING OUT

391
00:10:23,389 --> 00:10:24,423
ABOUT MIGRANTS IN FRONT OF A

392
00:10:24,423 --> 00:10:26,959
SIGN THAT READS "MR. STRONG."

393
00:10:26,959 --> 00:10:29,061
NEVER BEFORE HAS A NAME PLATE

394
00:10:29,061 --> 00:10:30,329
FELT SO INTENSELY SARCASTIC.

395
00:10:30,329 --> 00:10:32,665
BUT ALSO, SETTING ASIDE THE

396
00:10:32,665 --> 00:10:34,467
BLATANT XENOPHOBIA, ARE THE TWO

397
00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:36,435
OF YOU WEARING MATCHING OUTFITS?

398
00:10:36,435 --> 00:10:38,037
BECAUSE IT SURE FEELS LIKE YOU

399
00:10:38,037 --> 00:10:39,338
MET UP AT MEN'S WEARHOUSE, MADE

400
00:10:39,338 --> 00:10:40,406
A BEELINE FOR "THE CAUCASIAN

401
00:10:40,406 --> 00:10:41,540
COLLECTION," PICKED OUT THE

402
00:10:41,540 --> 00:10:42,742
EXACT SAME SUIT, AND THEN WORE

403
00:10:42,742 --> 00:10:43,843
IT LIKE "TWEEDLEDUM" AND

404
00:10:43,843 --> 00:10:46,979
"TWEEDLE-DEPORTATION."

405
00:10:46,979 --> 00:10:48,447
THE RIGHT HAS BEEN FEARMONGERING

406
00:10:48,447 --> 00:10:49,915
ABOUT IMMIGRATION EVEN MORE THAN

407
00:10:49,915 --> 00:10:51,584
USUAL LATELY.

408
00:10:51,584 --> 00:10:52,618
AND TO BE FAIR-- ACTUALLY, I

409
00:10:52,618 --> 00:10:53,085
DON'T HAVE TO BE FAIR.

410
00:10:53,085 --> 00:10:53,786
FUCK THEM.

411
00:10:53,786 --> 00:10:56,956
BUT TO BE FAIRER THAN THEY

412
00:10:56,956 --> 00:10:57,590
ACTUALLY DESERVE, THERE IS A LOT

413
00:10:57,590 --> 00:10:58,257
HAPPENING AT THE BORDER RIGHT

414
00:10:58,257 --> 00:10:58,791
NOW.

415
00:10:58,791 --> 00:10:59,792
THE NUMBER OF MIGRANT ENCOUNTERS

416
00:10:59,792 --> 00:11:00,860
THERE, WHICH WAS RISING BEFORE

417
00:11:00,860 --> 00:11:01,694
BIDEN CAME INTO OFFICE, REACHED

418
00:11:01,694 --> 00:11:04,296
A RECORD HIGH LAST YEAR.

419
00:11:04,296 --> 00:11:05,431
NOW, THAT'S HAPPENED FOR A

420
00:11:05,431 --> 00:11:07,666
NUMBER OF REASONS, INCLUDING

421
00:11:07,666 --> 00:11:08,300
WE'RE COMING OUT OF A

422
00:11:08,300 --> 00:11:09,201
GLOBAL PANDEMIC, AND MULTIPLE

423
00:11:09,201 --> 00:11:10,136
COUNTRIES, FROM HAITI TO

424
00:11:10,136 --> 00:11:10,703
VENEZUELA TO UKRAINE, ARE IN

425
00:11:10,703 --> 00:11:11,570
CRISIS RIGHT NOW.

426
00:11:11,570 --> 00:11:12,872
SO THERE'S A HIGH NUMBER OF

427
00:11:12,872 --> 00:11:13,506
PEOPLE FORCED TO FLEE THEIR

428
00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:14,840
HOMES.

429
00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:15,975
PLUS, SOME ASYLUM SEEKERS MAY,

430
00:11:15,975 --> 00:11:17,143
UNDERSTANDABLY, HAVE BEEN

431
00:11:17,143 --> 00:11:18,444
ENCOURAGED BY BIDEN'S RHETORIC

432
00:11:18,444 --> 00:11:19,545
ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL, WHICH WAS

433
00:11:19,545 --> 00:11:21,280
NOTABLY DIFFERENT THAN HIS

434
00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:23,349
OPPONENT.

435
00:11:23,349 --> 00:11:24,850
LOOK, I CAN ONLY IMAGINE WHAT

436
00:11:24,850 --> 00:11:26,419
IT'S LIKE TO SEE SOMEONE IN YOUR

437
00:11:26,419 --> 00:11:27,553
FAMILY DEPORTED.

438
00:11:27,553 --> 00:11:27,987
THAT'S RIGHT.

439
00:11:27,987 --> 00:11:28,821
I CAN ONLY IMAGINE WHAT

440
00:11:28,821 --> 00:11:30,322
THAT'S LIKE.

441
00:11:30,322 --> 00:11:31,557
AND I'VE-- TO ME, IT'S ALL

442
00:11:31,557 --> 00:11:32,591
ABOUT FAMILY.

443
00:11:32,591 --> 00:11:33,759
BEGINNING, MIDDLE, AND END, IT'S

444
00:11:33,759 --> 00:11:35,261
ABOUT FAMILY.

445
00:11:35,261 --> 00:11:37,163
THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN IN MY

446
00:11:37,163 --> 00:11:37,630
ADMINISTRATION.

447
00:11:37,630 --> 00:11:38,798
THE IDEA YOU CAN'T EVEN SEEK

448
00:11:38,798 --> 00:11:42,435
ASYLUM ON AMERICAN SOIL?

449
00:11:42,435 --> 00:11:43,502
CAN'T EVEN SEEK ASYLUM ON

450
00:11:43,502 --> 00:11:45,337
AMERICAN SOIL?

451
00:11:45,337 --> 00:11:46,605
WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?

452
00:11:46,605 --> 00:11:47,506
TRUMP.

453
00:11:47,506 --> 00:11:48,474
IT'S WRONG.

454
00:11:48,474 --> 00:11:49,308
YOU'RE GOING TO CHANGE THAT?

455
00:11:49,308 --> 00:11:50,876
YES, I AM.

456
00:11:50,876 --> 00:11:51,944
John: YEAH, IT'S ALL ABOUT

457
00:11:51,944 --> 00:11:53,279
FAMILY, BEGINNING MIDDLE AND

458
00:11:53,279 --> 00:11:53,846
END, WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT

459
00:11:53,846 --> 00:11:56,082
MEANS.

460
00:11:56,082 --> 00:11:57,716
A PRETTY EMPTY PHRASE FROM A

461
00:11:57,716 --> 00:11:58,751
PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE, BUT TO

462
00:11:58,751 --> 00:11:59,919
BE HONEST, A PRETTY GOOD TAGLINE

463
00:11:59,919 --> 00:12:01,420
FOR "FAST X."

464
00:12:01,420 --> 00:12:03,155
IT'S ONLY MILDLY LESS

465
00:12:03,155 --> 00:12:03,823
COMPREHENSIBLE THAN "THE END OF

466
00:12:03,823 --> 00:12:06,826
THE ROAD BEGINS."

467
00:12:06,826 --> 00:12:07,993
BUT AT THE TIME, THAT PROMISE

468
00:12:07,993 --> 00:12:09,762
SOUNDED GOOD.

469
00:12:09,762 --> 00:12:10,930
IT'S WORTH REMEMBERING THAT EVEN

470
00:12:10,930 --> 00:12:11,831
IF BIDEN WASN'T YOUR FAVORITE

471
00:12:11,831 --> 00:12:13,399
CANDIDATE-- EVEN IF HE WAS YOUR

472
00:12:13,399 --> 00:12:14,033
LEAST FAVORITE CANDIDATE--

473
00:12:14,033 --> 00:12:15,668
AFTER FOUR YEARS OF TRUMP, THAT

474
00:12:15,668 --> 00:12:17,703
WAS PRETTY REFRESHING.

475
00:12:17,703 --> 00:12:18,904
IT'S LIKE WANDERING THROUGH THE

476
00:12:18,904 --> 00:12:20,039
SAHARA DESERT FOR FOUR YEARS AND

477
00:12:20,039 --> 00:12:22,541
ALL OF A SUDDEN SEEING A PANERA.

478
00:12:22,541 --> 00:12:24,276
I MEAN, IT'S NOT NECESSARILY

479
00:12:24,276 --> 00:12:26,178
PARADISE IN ITS OWN RIGHT, BUT

480
00:12:26,178 --> 00:12:27,179
COMPARED WITH WHAT YOU JUST WENT

481
00:12:27,179 --> 00:12:28,080
THROUGH?

482
00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:29,882
YOU'D KILL FOR AN ASIAGO TURKEY

483
00:12:29,882 --> 00:12:30,449
SANDWICH AND A LEMONADE, NO

484
00:12:30,449 --> 00:12:32,952
QUESTION.

485
00:12:32,952 --> 00:12:34,520
PROMISES LIKE THAT ARE WHY WE

486
00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:36,021
CITED BIDEN'S POTENTIAL TO UNDO

487
00:12:36,021 --> 00:12:37,690
TRUMP'S DAMAGE ON IMMIGRATION AS

488
00:12:37,690 --> 00:12:39,492
A KEY REASON TO VOTE FOR HIM,

489
00:12:39,492 --> 00:12:41,594
JUST A WEEK BEFORE THE ELECTION.

490
00:12:41,594 --> 00:12:42,728
NOW, DID WE MAKE THE DIFFERENCE?

491
00:12:42,728 --> 00:12:44,063
WHO CAN SAY?

492
00:12:44,063 --> 00:12:46,899
NURSES ARE THE REAL HEROES.

493
00:12:46,899 --> 00:12:48,434
UNFORTUNATELY, WHEN IT COMES TO

494
00:12:48,434 --> 00:12:50,169
THE SOUTHERN BORDER, BIDEN HAS

495
00:12:50,169 --> 00:12:52,037
DISAPPOINTED IN A LOT OF WAYS.

496
00:12:52,037 --> 00:12:52,872
BUT IT'S NOT BECAUSE HE'S OPENED

497
00:12:52,872 --> 00:12:54,974
UP THE COUNTRY TO AN "INVASION"

498
00:12:54,974 --> 00:12:55,808
IT'S ACTUALLY, IN MANY WAYS, THE

499
00:12:55,808 --> 00:13:00,412
OPPOSITE.

500
00:13:00,412 --> 00:13:01,280
MANY MIGRANTS, INCLUDING ASYLUM

501
00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:01,814
SEEKERS, ARE FINDING IT

502
00:13:01,814 --> 00:13:02,515
IMPOSSIBLE TO ACCESS THIS

503
00:13:02,515 --> 00:13:04,016
COUNTRY THROUGH OUR PORTS OF

504
00:13:04,016 --> 00:13:05,050
ENTRY, AND THE CONDITIONS THEY

505
00:13:05,050 --> 00:13:05,751
ARE FACING ARE DIRE.

506
00:13:05,751 --> 00:13:07,353
IN MANY BORDER CITIES SHELTERS

507
00:13:07,353 --> 00:13:08,654
AND DETENTION CENTERS ARE

508
00:13:08,654 --> 00:13:10,389
REPORTEDLY NEAR CAPACITY, WITH

509
00:13:10,389 --> 00:13:11,257
THE DIRECTOR OF ONE OF THEM

510
00:13:11,257 --> 00:13:12,658
SAYING, "EVERY DAY I TURN AWAY

511
00:13:12,658 --> 00:13:13,192
AT LEAST TEN FAMILIES WITH

512
00:13:13,192 --> 00:13:15,294
CHILDREN."

513
00:13:15,294 --> 00:13:16,262
AND JUST LAST MONTH, AT LEAST 40

514
00:13:16,262 --> 00:13:18,097
PEOPLE DIED WHEN A MIGRANT

515
00:13:18,097 --> 00:13:20,099
CENTER CAUGHT FIRE.

516
00:13:20,099 --> 00:13:21,500
AND FRUSTRATINGLY, A LOT OF THIS

517
00:13:21,500 --> 00:13:23,269
HAS BEEN EXACERBATED BY U.S.

518
00:13:23,269 --> 00:13:24,470
POLICIES THAT ARE WELL WITHIN

519
00:13:24,470 --> 00:13:26,138
BIDEN'S POWER TO REMEDY.

520
00:13:26,138 --> 00:13:28,274
AND YET, HE HASN'T.

521
00:13:28,274 --> 00:13:29,608
AND THAT'S BASICALLY WHAT OUR

522
00:13:29,608 --> 00:13:30,543
STORY IS ABOUT TONIGHT.

523
00:13:30,543 --> 00:13:32,211
IT'S ABOUT WHAT BIDEN PROMISED

524
00:13:32,211 --> 00:13:34,113
TO DO, WHAT HE HAS AND HASN'T

525
00:13:34,113 --> 00:13:35,114
DONE, AND HOW HIS LATEST EFFORTS

526
00:13:35,114 --> 00:13:37,650
TO FIX THINGS MIGHT ACTUALLY

527
00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:38,017
MAKE THEM WORSE.

528
00:13:38,017 --> 00:13:39,084
AND FIRST, LET'S ACKNOWLEDGE

529
00:13:39,084 --> 00:13:40,619
IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO ASSESS WHAT

530
00:13:40,619 --> 00:13:42,855
BIDEN'S DONE AT THE BORDER

531
00:13:42,855 --> 00:13:43,389
WITHOUT LOOKING AT WHAT HE

532
00:13:43,389 --> 00:13:45,191
INHERITED.

533
00:13:45,191 --> 00:13:47,092
TRUMP CAMPAIGNED ON HIGH-OCTANE

534
00:13:47,092 --> 00:13:49,862
XENOPHOBIA, AND HIS POLICIES

535
00:13:49,862 --> 00:13:50,930
REFLECTED THAT, FROM LARGE-SCALE

536
00:13:50,930 --> 00:13:51,797
FAMILY SEPARATION TO ATTACKING

537
00:13:51,797 --> 00:13:53,666
DACA, TO HIS SO-CALLED "REMAIN

538
00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:55,267
IN MEXICO" POLICY, WHICH LED TO

539
00:13:55,267 --> 00:13:57,937
MASSIVE ENCAMPMENTS OF WOULD-BE

540
00:13:57,937 --> 00:13:59,038
ASYLUM SEEKERS, SOUTH OF THE

541
00:13:59,038 --> 00:14:00,272
BORDER.

542
00:14:00,272 --> 00:14:00,873
AND TRUMP APPROACHED ALL OF IT

543
00:14:00,873 --> 00:14:03,008
WITH HIS SIGNATURE CLARITY.

544
00:14:03,008 --> 00:14:03,576
THE IMMIGRATION LAWS ARE

545
00:14:03,576 --> 00:14:04,677
HORRIBLE.

546
00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:05,844
WE'RE DOING AN INCREDIBLE JOB.

547
00:14:05,844 --> 00:14:06,946
WE'RE DOING A RECORD-BREAKING

548
00:14:06,946 --> 00:14:08,080
JOB, BUT WE HAVE BAD LAWS.

549
00:14:08,080 --> 00:14:09,848
YOU KNOW WHEN YOU HAVE BAD LAWS

550
00:14:09,848 --> 00:14:11,517
YOU CAN DO GOOD BUT YOU CAN DO A

551
00:14:11,517 --> 00:14:14,286
LOT BETTER IF YOU HAD GOOD LAWS.

552
00:14:14,286 --> 00:14:15,554
John: OKAY, THAT'S OBVIOUSLY

553
00:14:15,554 --> 00:14:16,188
TOTAL GIBBERISH, BUT IF YOU LOOK

554
00:14:16,188 --> 00:14:17,122
AT WHAT HE'S SAYING CLOSELY,

555
00:14:17,122 --> 00:14:18,357
YOU'LL FIND IT'S ALSO, AND THIS

556
00:14:18,357 --> 00:14:24,897
IS TRUE, A HAIKU.

557
00:14:24,897 --> 00:14:25,497
[LAUGHTER]

558
00:14:25,497 --> 00:14:26,932
I'M KIDDING, IT'S ABSOLUTELY

559
00:14:26,932 --> 00:14:27,566
NOT, BUT WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF

560
00:14:27,566 --> 00:14:27,866
IT WAS?

561
00:14:27,866 --> 00:14:28,934
IF THAT BUFFOON WAS CAPABLE OF

562
00:14:28,934 --> 00:14:29,768
ACCIDENTAL BEAUTY?

563
00:14:29,768 --> 00:14:30,903
BUT IT'S NOT, AND HE ISN'T.

564
00:14:30,903 --> 00:14:33,706
SO WE'RE BACK TO SQUARE ONE.

565
00:14:33,706 --> 00:14:35,174
NOW, TO BIDEN'S CREDIT, HE

566
00:14:35,174 --> 00:14:36,308
CREATED A TASK FORCE TO REUNIFY

567
00:14:36,308 --> 00:14:37,509
THE SEPARATED FAMILIES, HE

568
00:14:37,509 --> 00:14:38,744
STRENGTHENED PROTECTIONS AROUND

569
00:14:38,744 --> 00:14:40,246
DACA, AND HE SUSPENDED THE

570
00:14:40,246 --> 00:14:41,614
"REMAIN IN MEXICO" POLICY.

571
00:14:41,614 --> 00:14:44,416
AND YET, THERE REMAIN HUGE

572
00:14:44,416 --> 00:14:45,884
NUMBERS OF PEOPLE, STUCK JUST

573
00:14:45,884 --> 00:14:46,452
SOUTH OF THE BORDER, IN CAMPS

574
00:14:46,452 --> 00:14:47,987
THAT LOOK AN AWFUL LOT LIKE THE

575
00:14:47,987 --> 00:14:49,121
ONES THAT WERE THERE DURING

576
00:14:49,121 --> 00:14:49,855
TRUMP.

577
00:14:49,855 --> 00:14:53,025
AND A SIGNIFICANT REASON FOR

578
00:14:53,025 --> 00:14:53,592
THAT HAS TO DO WITH A POLICY

579
00:14:53,592 --> 00:14:54,693
CALLED TITLE 42, WHICH ALLOWS

580
00:14:54,693 --> 00:14:55,928
THE U.S. TO KICK MIGRANTS OUT OF

581
00:14:55,928 --> 00:14:57,596
THE COUNTRY WITH SHOCKING EASE.

582
00:14:57,596 --> 00:15:00,432
AND WE'VE TALKED ABOUT IT

583
00:15:00,432 --> 00:15:02,001
BEFORE, BUT JUST AS A REFRESHER:

584
00:15:02,001 --> 00:15:02,701
IT'S NOT ACTUALLY AN IMMIGRATION

585
00:15:02,701 --> 00:15:04,270
LAW AT ALL.

586
00:15:04,270 --> 00:15:04,970
IT'S AN ARCANE PUBLIC HEALTH

587
00:15:04,970 --> 00:15:06,505
ORDER, AIMED AT PREVENTING THE

588
00:15:06,505 --> 00:15:08,807
SPREAD OF COMMUNICABLE DISEASES.

589
00:15:08,807 --> 00:15:10,809
THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION

590
00:15:10,809 --> 00:15:11,510
IMPLEMENTED IT IN MARCH OF 2020,

591
00:15:11,510 --> 00:15:13,245
INVOKING IT AS A SAFETY

592
00:15:13,245 --> 00:15:14,880
PRECAUTION INTENDED TO PREVENT

593
00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:15,981
COVID-19 FROM SPREADING THROUGH

594
00:15:15,981 --> 00:15:17,783
BORDER PATROL STATIONS.

595
00:15:17,783 --> 00:15:19,518
BUT THE TRUTH IS, LONG BEFORE

596
00:15:19,518 --> 00:15:21,854
COVID, ITS USE HAD BEEN FLOATED

597
00:15:21,854 --> 00:15:23,789
BY STEPHEN MILLER, A CHILD'S

598
00:15:23,789 --> 00:15:25,224
ANSWER TO THE PROMPT, "DRAW

599
00:15:25,224 --> 00:15:28,160
SQUIDWARD FROM MEMORY."

600
00:15:28,160 --> 00:15:29,728
IN FACT, THE INVOCATION OF

601
00:15:29,728 --> 00:15:30,963
TITLE 42 WAS REFERRED, TO "A

602
00:15:30,963 --> 00:15:32,998
STEPHEN MILLER SPECIAL

603
00:15:32,998 --> 00:15:33,899
HE WAS ALL OVER THAT," A

604
00:15:33,899 --> 00:15:35,634
SENTENCE I HOPE NO ONE HAS TO

605
00:15:35,634 --> 00:15:37,336
SPEAK OR HEAR EVER AGAIN.

606
00:15:37,336 --> 00:15:38,737
AND MILLER HAS BRAGGED ABOUT

607
00:15:38,737 --> 00:15:41,707
TITLE 42'S SWEEPING POWERS.

608
00:15:41,707 --> 00:15:43,409
THE PRINCIPLE OF IT IS VERY

609
00:15:43,409 --> 00:15:46,612
SIMPLE, WHICH IS THAT, DURING A

610
00:15:46,612 --> 00:15:48,080
PANDEMIC, IF YOU COME INTO THIS

611
00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:50,683
COUNTRY, YOUR VERY PRESENCE

612
00:15:50,683 --> 00:15:53,052
HERE, IF YOU ENTER UNLAWFULLY,

613
00:15:53,052 --> 00:15:54,920
IS A THREAT TO OUR PUBLIC

614
00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:56,755
HEALTH, FULL STOP.

615
00:15:56,755 --> 00:15:59,258
YOU GO HOME.

616
00:15:59,258 --> 00:16:00,693
John: OKAY FIRST, I'M PRETTY

617
00:16:00,693 --> 00:16:01,794
SURE IF YOU PLAYED THE SOUND OF

618
00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:02,961
STEPHEN MILLER'S VOICE IN A

619
00:16:02,961 --> 00:16:05,431
MATERNITY WARD, A NEWBORN INFANT

620
00:16:05,431 --> 00:16:06,465
WOULD INSTINCTIVELY SAY--

621
00:16:06,465 --> 00:16:08,334
DESPITE NOT HAVING ANY KNOWLEDGE

622
00:16:08,334 --> 00:16:10,369
OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE-- "SHUT

623
00:16:10,369 --> 00:16:12,504
THE FUCK UP."

624
00:16:12,504 --> 00:16:13,472
BECAUSE THAT "THREAT TO OUR

625
00:16:13,472 --> 00:16:13,972
PUBLIC HEALTH" LINE WAS

626
00:16:13,972 --> 00:16:16,275
BULLSHIT.

627
00:16:16,275 --> 00:16:18,977
WHILE TRUMP CLAIMED THE ORDER

628
00:16:18,977 --> 00:16:20,279
ORIGINATED WITH THE CDC, ONE

629
00:16:20,279 --> 00:16:22,414
FORMER HEALTH OFFICIAL SAID THEY

630
00:16:22,414 --> 00:16:23,048
WERE EFFECTIVELY FORCED TO

631
00:16:23,048 --> 00:16:31,857
IMPLEMENT IT, ADDING BUT THE

632
00:16:31,857 --> 00:16:33,859
DO IT OR GET FIRED.

633
00:16:33,859 --> 00:16:34,893
THE REASON TRUMP SEIZED ON IT IS

634
00:16:34,893 --> 00:16:36,929
PRETTY OBVIOUS.

635
00:16:36,929 --> 00:16:37,496
UNDER NORMAL CIRCUMSTANCES,

636
00:16:37,496 --> 00:16:38,897
MIGRANTS HAVE THE LEGAL RIGHT TO

637
00:16:38,897 --> 00:16:40,733
ASK FOR ASYLUM, NO MATTER WHERE

638
00:16:40,733 --> 00:16:42,534
THEY CROSS THE BORDER.

639
00:16:42,534 --> 00:16:45,003
BUT LIKE INCEL CAILLOU SAID,

640
00:16:45,003 --> 00:16:46,739
TITLE 42 GAVE THE GOVERNMENT THE

641
00:16:46,739 --> 00:16:48,340
POWER TO RAPIDLY EXPEL ANY

642
00:16:48,340 --> 00:16:50,109
MIGRANT WITHOUT GIVING THEM AN

643
00:16:50,109 --> 00:16:51,176
OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE A CASE FOR

644
00:16:51,176 --> 00:16:52,845
STAYING IN THE COUNTRY LEGALLY,

645
00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:55,614
INCLUDING TO SEEK ASYLUM.

646
00:16:55,614 --> 00:16:56,548
AND YOU'D HOPE THAT, UPON TAKING

647
00:16:56,548 --> 00:16:59,585
OFFICE, BIDEN WOULD MOVE AS FAST

648
00:16:59,585 --> 00:17:00,886
AS POSSIBLE TO GET RID OF IT.

649
00:17:00,886 --> 00:17:01,620
BUT INSTEAD, HIS

650
00:17:01,620 --> 00:17:02,221
ADMINISTRATION'S BEEN ALL OVER

651
00:17:02,221 --> 00:17:03,989
THE PLACE.

652
00:17:03,989 --> 00:17:04,556
JUST A FEW MONTHS INTO HIS

653
00:17:04,556 --> 00:17:06,091
PRESIDENCY, HIS SECRETARY OF

654
00:17:06,091 --> 00:17:07,659
HOMELAND SECURITY SENT THIS

655
00:17:07,659 --> 00:17:08,594
MESSAGE TO POTENTIAL MIGRANTS.

656
00:17:08,594 --> 00:17:09,728
THE MESSAGE IS QUITE CLEAR.

657
00:17:09,728 --> 00:17:11,563
DO NOT COME.

658
00:17:11,563 --> 00:17:12,297
THE BORDER IS CLOSED.

659
00:17:12,297 --> 00:17:15,934
THE BORDER IS SECURE.

660
00:17:15,934 --> 00:17:19,104
WE ARE EXPELLING FAMILIES.

661
00:17:19,104 --> 00:17:21,407
WE ARE EXPELLING SINGLE ADULTS

662
00:17:21,407 --> 00:17:25,744
UNDER THE CDC'S AUTHORITY UNDER

663
00:17:25,744 --> 00:17:28,213
TITLE 42 OF THE UNITED STATES

664
00:17:28,213 --> 00:17:29,615
CODE BECAUSE WE ARE IN THE MIDST

665
00:17:29,615 --> 00:17:30,783
OF A PANDEMIC, AND THAT IS A

666
00:17:30,783 --> 00:17:32,618
PUBLIC HEALTH IMPERATIVE.

667
00:17:32,618 --> 00:17:33,619
John: EXCEPT IT WASN'T A

668
00:17:33,619 --> 00:17:34,219
PUBLIC HEALTH IMPERATIVE, AND

669
00:17:34,219 --> 00:17:37,489
EVERYONE KNEW IT.

670
00:17:37,489 --> 00:17:38,357
AND LOOK, IF YOU'RE GOING TO

671
00:17:38,357 --> 00:17:39,558
PARROT TRUMP'S HARMFUL TALKING

672
00:17:39,558 --> 00:17:41,093
POINTS, AT LEAST THROW IN SOME

673
00:17:41,093 --> 00:17:42,628
OF THE FUNNY ONES AS WELL.

674
00:17:42,628 --> 00:17:43,829
EVERY TIME YOU DO A PRESS

675
00:17:43,829 --> 00:17:45,330
CONFERENCE TO BOLSTER SOME

676
00:17:45,330 --> 00:17:46,365
BULLSHIT XENOPHOBIC POLICY LIKE

677
00:17:46,365 --> 00:17:48,400
TITLE 42, YOU ALSO HAVE TO GO

678
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:49,535
OFF ON A TANGENT ABOUT HOW

679
00:17:49,535 --> 00:17:50,803
ROBERT PATTINSON SHOULD HAVE

680
00:17:50,803 --> 00:17:52,404
DUMPED KRISTEN STEWART.

681
00:17:52,404 --> 00:17:55,240
IT IS THE LEAST YOU CAN DO.

682
00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:56,642
FOR MONTHS AFTERWARD, THE BIDEN

683
00:17:56,642 --> 00:17:58,177
ADMINISTRATION LET THE POLICY

684
00:17:58,177 --> 00:17:59,278
STAND, AND EVEN AT ONE POINT

685
00:17:59,278 --> 00:18:01,280
DEFENDED IT IN COURT.

686
00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:03,816
THEN, TO BE FAIR, THEY DID TRY

687
00:18:03,816 --> 00:18:04,983
TO END IT, ONLY FOR A FEDERAL

688
00:18:04,983 --> 00:18:06,652
JUDGE TO BLOCK THOSE EFFORTS,

689
00:18:06,652 --> 00:18:07,853
WITH REPORTING AT THE TIME

690
00:18:07,853 --> 00:18:08,987
INDICATING THE "RULING WAS MET

691
00:18:08,987 --> 00:18:10,389
WITH A SIGH OF RELIEF INSIDE THE

692
00:18:10,389 --> 00:18:11,423
WHITE HOUSE."

693
00:18:11,423 --> 00:18:12,424
MOREOVER, BIDEN ACTUALLY

694
00:18:12,424 --> 00:18:14,726
EXPANDED WHO COULD BE EXPELLED

695
00:18:14,726 --> 00:18:16,128
TO MEXICO UNDER TITLE 42.

696
00:18:16,128 --> 00:18:17,162
BECAUSE WHILE THE ORDER

697
00:18:17,162 --> 00:18:18,831
INITIALLY ALLOWED THE U.S. TO DO

698
00:18:18,831 --> 00:18:20,632
THAT WITH MIGRANTS FROM THESE

699
00:18:20,632 --> 00:18:22,401
FOUR COUNTRIES, HE CHOSE TO

700
00:18:22,401 --> 00:18:23,836
BROADEN IT, FIRST TO INCLUDE

701
00:18:23,836 --> 00:18:25,537
VENEZUELAN MIGRANTS, AND LATER

702
00:18:25,537 --> 00:18:26,905
TO THOSE FROM CUBA, HAITI, AND

703
00:18:26,905 --> 00:18:28,106
NICARAGUA.

704
00:18:28,106 --> 00:18:29,041
AND THE ADMINISTRATION WILL

705
00:18:29,041 --> 00:18:30,209
POINT OUT-- AND NOT WRONGLY--

706
00:18:30,209 --> 00:18:32,478
THAT THEY HAVE ISSUED

707
00:18:32,478 --> 00:18:33,445
HUMANITARIAN EXEMPTIONS TO

708
00:18:33,445 --> 00:18:34,179
TITLE 42.

709
00:18:34,179 --> 00:18:37,249
IT'S ESTIMATED THAT AROUND

710
00:18:37,249 --> 00:18:38,417
187,000 MIGRANTS WERE GRANTED

711
00:18:38,417 --> 00:18:42,855
EXEMPTIONS FROM MAY OF LAST YEAR

712
00:18:42,855 --> 00:18:43,288
TO JUST LAST MONTH.

713
00:18:43,288 --> 00:18:43,956
BUT NOT ONLY IS THAT A FRACTION

714
00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:45,123
OF THOSE SEEKING ASYLUM, THE

715
00:18:45,123 --> 00:18:46,992
ADMINISTRATION'S BEEN CRITICIZED

716
00:18:46,992 --> 00:18:47,526
FOR A LACK OF CLARITY AND

717
00:18:47,526 --> 00:18:48,327
CONSISTENCY IN WHO IS ELIGIBLE.

718
00:18:48,327 --> 00:18:49,962
AND IN GENERAL, SOME HAVE ARGUED

719
00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:51,263
THERE'S BEEN A PRETTY GLARING

720
00:18:51,263 --> 00:18:52,397
DISCREPANCY IN WHO THE COUNTRY

721
00:18:52,397 --> 00:18:54,166
HAS, AND HASN'T, DECIDED TO

722
00:18:54,166 --> 00:18:56,168
ALLOW IN.

723
00:18:56,168 --> 00:18:58,036
AT A MIGRANT SHELTER IN

724
00:18:58,036 --> 00:18:58,604
TIJUANA, MEXICO, CLAIMS OF A

725
00:18:58,604 --> 00:19:00,072
DOUBLE STANDARD: SPECIAL

726
00:19:00,072 --> 00:19:02,741
TREATMENT FOR UKRAINIANS FLEEING

727
00:19:02,741 --> 00:19:03,876
THE WAR AND BEING ADMITTED TO

728
00:19:03,876 --> 00:19:04,776
THE U.S.

729
00:19:04,776 --> 00:19:05,644
I LOVE THAT THE GOVERNMENT IS

730
00:19:05,644 --> 00:19:09,781
HELPING THEM, BECAUSE THEY--

731
00:19:09,781 --> 00:19:10,749
THEY'RE GOING THROUGH A REALLY

732
00:19:10,749 --> 00:19:11,116
HARD SITUATION.

733
00:19:11,116 --> 00:19:11,717
BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENS

734
00:19:11,717 --> 00:19:12,084
FOR PEOPLE HERE.

735
00:19:12,084 --> 00:19:12,951
EXACTLY.

736
00:19:12,951 --> 00:19:13,519
WE SHOULD ALL BE TREATED THE

737
00:19:13,519 --> 00:19:14,086
SAME-- THE SAME WAY.

738
00:19:14,086 --> 00:19:15,621
HOW DO YOU GUYS ACCOUNT FOR

739
00:19:15,621 --> 00:19:16,255
THE DIFFERENCE IN THE TREATMENT

740
00:19:16,255 --> 00:19:17,723
BETWEEN THEM AND YOU GUYS?

741
00:19:17,723 --> 00:19:18,590
RACISMO.

742
00:19:18,590 --> 00:19:19,558
RACISM.

743
00:19:19,558 --> 00:19:20,259
John: YEAH, OF COURSE.

744
00:19:20,259 --> 00:19:22,427
"RACISM."

745
00:19:22,427 --> 00:19:22,928
IS THE ANSWER TO SO MANY

746
00:19:22,928 --> 00:19:23,962
QUESTIONS, LIKE, "WHY ARE SOME

747
00:19:23,962 --> 00:19:24,863
PEOPLE TREATED DIFFERENTLY AT

748
00:19:24,863 --> 00:19:25,797
THE BORDER?"

749
00:19:25,797 --> 00:19:26,331
"WHY DID ROSEANNE BARR GET

750
00:19:26,331 --> 00:19:27,566
FIRED?"

751
00:19:27,566 --> 00:19:28,834
AND "WHY DOES YOUR GRANDPA

752
00:19:28,834 --> 00:19:32,104
INSIST ON PRONOUNCING "KAMALA"

753
00:19:32,104 --> 00:19:34,072
THE WAY HE DOES?"

754
00:19:34,072 --> 00:19:34,973
AND TITLE 42-- INCLUDING

755
00:19:34,973 --> 00:19:36,141
BIDEN'S EXPANDED USE OF IT--

756
00:19:36,141 --> 00:19:37,576
HAS FUNCTIONALLY ROBBED PEOPLE

757
00:19:37,576 --> 00:19:39,044
OF THEIR BASIC RIGHT TO MAKE AN

758
00:19:39,044 --> 00:19:40,212
ASYLUM CASE FOR THEMSELVES.

759
00:19:40,212 --> 00:19:41,914
WHICH CAN BE DEVASTATING.

760
00:19:41,914 --> 00:19:43,115
JUST LISTEN TO THIS HONDURAN

761
00:19:43,115 --> 00:19:44,483
MIGRANT TALK ABOUT GETTING ALL

762
00:19:44,483 --> 00:19:47,319
THE WAY TO AMERICA WITH HIS

763
00:19:47,319 --> 00:19:48,153
FAMILY, ON THE PRESUMPTION HE'D

764
00:19:48,153 --> 00:19:50,789
BE ABLE TO APPLY FOR ASYLUM,

765
00:19:50,789 --> 00:19:51,857
ONLY TO BE TAKEN INTO CUSTODY,

766
00:19:51,857 --> 00:19:53,392
AND WOKEN UP ONE DAY WITH AN

767
00:19:53,392 --> 00:19:54,893
UNPLEASANT SURPRISE.

768
00:19:54,893 --> 00:19:56,094
ONE OF US ASKED, "WHERE ARE

769
00:19:56,094 --> 00:19:57,496
YOU TAKING US?

770
00:19:57,496 --> 00:19:58,096
IS IT TRUE WE'RE BEING

771
00:19:58,096 --> 00:19:59,364
DEPORTED?"

772
00:19:59,364 --> 00:20:00,532
THEY SAID, "NO, WE'RE NOT

773
00:20:00,532 --> 00:20:02,034
DEPORTING YOU.

774
00:20:02,034 --> 00:20:02,868
WE'RE TAKING YOU TO A SHELTER,

775
00:20:02,868 --> 00:20:03,802
AND YOU CAN KEEP GOING FROM

776
00:20:03,802 --> 00:20:05,270
THERE."

777
00:20:05,270 --> 00:20:06,705
AND THAT WAS A LIE.

778
00:20:06,705 --> 00:20:08,173
THEY TRICKED US.

779
00:20:08,173 --> 00:20:09,641
WHEN WE GOT OFF THE BUS, WE

780
00:20:09,641 --> 00:20:11,043
SAW THE SIGN THAT SAID TIJUANA,

781
00:20:11,043 --> 00:20:12,744
BAJA CALIFORNIA.

782
00:20:12,744 --> 00:20:14,246
THAT'S WHEN WE REALIZED WE'D

783
00:20:14,246 --> 00:20:15,614
BEEN SENT BACK.

784
00:20:15,614 --> 00:20:17,516
SO YOU DIDN'T REALIZE UNTIL

785
00:20:17,516 --> 00:20:18,750
YOU WERE ALREADY IN MEXICO?

786
00:20:18,750 --> 00:20:19,685
RIGHT.

787
00:20:19,685 --> 00:20:21,320
ONCE WE WERE ALREADY HERE.

788
00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:22,454
John: LOOK, THAT'S CLEARLY

789
00:20:22,454 --> 00:20:23,789
NOT HOW IMMIGRATION POLICY

790
00:20:23,789 --> 00:20:26,258
SHOULD WORK.

791
00:20:26,258 --> 00:20:27,292
UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD

792
00:20:27,292 --> 00:20:28,894
PEOPLE ON A BUS BE LIED TO ABOUT

793
00:20:28,894 --> 00:20:30,329
WHERE IT'S GOING, UNLESS THAT

794
00:20:30,329 --> 00:20:31,630
IS, IT'S A BACHELORETTE PARTY

795
00:20:31,630 --> 00:20:33,065
BUS AND THEY'RE DEMANDING TO BE

796
00:20:33,065 --> 00:20:33,999
TAKEN TO ANOTHER BAR EVEN THOUGH

797
00:20:33,999 --> 00:20:35,367
ONE OF THEM ALREADY THREW UP ON

798
00:20:35,367 --> 00:20:35,867
A PIGEON.

799
00:20:35,867 --> 00:20:41,273
IN THAT CASE, AND THAT CASE

800
00:20:41,273 --> 00:20:43,575
ALONE, YOU SAY "SURE," YOU SWING

801
00:20:43,575 --> 00:20:44,443
BY CVS FOR SOME PEDIALYTE, AND

802
00:20:44,443 --> 00:20:45,110
TAKE THEM BACK TO THEIR AIRBNB.

803
00:20:45,110 --> 00:20:45,844
AND BECAUSE MANY MIGRANTS CAN'T

804
00:20:45,844 --> 00:20:47,379
RETURN TO THE COUNTRY THAT THEY

805
00:20:47,379 --> 00:20:49,414
WERE FLEEING, THEY WIND UP STUCK

806
00:20:49,414 --> 00:20:50,082
ON OUR SOUTHERN BORDER-- OR

807
00:20:50,082 --> 00:20:51,717
TRYING REPEATEDLY TO GET BACK

808
00:20:51,717 --> 00:20:52,384
INTO THE COUNTRY, OFTEN AT THEIR

809
00:20:52,384 --> 00:20:54,886
OWN PERIL.

810
00:20:54,886 --> 00:20:58,457
MORE THAN 890 MIGRANTS DIED IN

811
00:20:58,457 --> 00:20:59,024
BORDER CROSSINGS LAST YEAR,

812
00:20:59,024 --> 00:21:00,092
MAKING IT THE DEADLIEST YEAR

813
00:21:00,092 --> 00:21:01,326
SINCE THE U.S. GOVERNMENT BEGAN

814
00:21:01,326 --> 00:21:02,761
TRACKING BORDER CROSSING DEATHS.

815
00:21:02,761 --> 00:21:04,296
AND FOR THOSE STUCK IN MEXICO,

816
00:21:04,296 --> 00:21:06,031
THE EXPERIENCE CAN BE HARROWING.

817
00:21:06,031 --> 00:21:07,766
ONE GROUP FOUND THAT, SINCE

818
00:21:07,766 --> 00:21:10,535
2021, THERE'VE BEEN OVER 13,000

819
00:21:10,535 --> 00:21:11,403
REPORTS OF MURDER, TORTURE,

820
00:21:11,403 --> 00:21:13,605
KIDNAPPING, RAPE, AND OTHER

821
00:21:13,605 --> 00:21:15,374
VIOLENT ATTACKS ON MIGRANTS AND

822
00:21:15,374 --> 00:21:16,575
ASYLUM SEEKERS BLOCKED IN OR

823
00:21:16,575 --> 00:21:19,778
EXPELLED TO MEXICO UNDER

824
00:21:19,778 --> 00:21:21,680
TITLE 42.

825
00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:23,415
NOW, THE GOOD NEWS IS, TITLE 42

826
00:21:23,415 --> 00:21:25,484
MAY BE ABOUT TO EXPIRE.

827
00:21:25,484 --> 00:21:26,718
AND THE REASON FOR THAT IS, WHEN

828
00:21:26,718 --> 00:21:27,886
THE BROADER COVID PUBLIC HEALTH

829
00:21:27,886 --> 00:21:28,920
EMERGENCY ENDS ON MAY 11TH,

830
00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:30,155
TITLE 42 IS EXPECTED TO EXPIRE

831
00:21:30,155 --> 00:21:32,891
WITH IT.

832
00:21:32,891 --> 00:21:36,261
THE BAD NEWS THOUGH, WITH WITH

833
00:21:36,261 --> 00:21:42,534
OVER TWO YEARS TO PLAN, BIDEN'S

834
00:21:42,534 --> 00:21:43,135
NEW PROPOSED RULE MAY NOT BE

835
00:21:43,135 --> 00:21:43,635
MUCH OF AN IMPROVEMENT.

836
00:21:43,635 --> 00:21:44,236
FOR ONE THING, ASYLUM SEEKERS

837
00:21:44,236 --> 00:21:44,870
WILL NOW BE EXPECTED TO MAKE AN

838
00:21:44,870 --> 00:21:45,871
APPOINTMENT AT A POINT OF ENTRY,

839
00:21:45,871 --> 00:21:47,072
THROUGH A NEW GOVERNMENT APP

840
00:21:47,072 --> 00:21:47,706
THAT BIDEN PROUDLY ANNOUNCED IN

841
00:21:47,706 --> 00:21:50,342
JANUARY.

842
00:21:50,342 --> 00:21:51,610
IF THEY'RE SEEKING ASYLUM,

843
00:21:51,610 --> 00:21:55,013
THEY CAN USE AN APP ON THEIR

844
00:21:55,013 --> 00:21:57,249
CELL PHONE CALLED CBP ONE--

845
00:21:57,249 --> 00:21:57,783
O-N-E.

846
00:21:57,783 --> 00:22:00,919
CBP ONE O-N-E.

847
00:22:00,919 --> 00:22:01,820
THAT'S TO SPELL IT OUT, NOT THE

848
00:22:01,820 --> 00:22:03,989
NUMBER ONE.

849
00:22:03,989 --> 00:22:04,690
John: THANKS FOR SPELLING IT

850
00:22:04,690 --> 00:22:05,190
OUT!

851
00:22:05,190 --> 00:22:09,227
THAT HELPS A GREAT DEAL.

852
00:22:09,227 --> 00:22:09,995
THIS IS THAT APP, AND AS YOU CAN

853
00:22:09,995 --> 00:22:10,495
SEE, ITS ICON APPARENTLY

854
00:22:10,495 --> 00:22:12,130
FEATURES-- I DON'T KNOW WHAT

855
00:22:12,130 --> 00:22:12,731
ELSE THIS COULD BE-- A BORDER

856
00:22:12,731 --> 00:22:13,265
PATROL AGENT WITH A RAGING

857
00:22:13,265 --> 00:22:16,768
BONER.

858
00:22:16,768 --> 00:22:18,403
IT HAS BEEN IN USE SINCE

859
00:22:18,403 --> 00:22:20,439
JANUARY, AS A WAY FOR PEOPLE TO

860
00:22:20,439 --> 00:22:22,274
REQUEST EXEMPTIONS TO TITLE 42,

861
00:22:22,274 --> 00:22:24,743
AND THE EARLY RESULTS AREN'T

862
00:22:24,743 --> 00:22:25,110
GREAT.

863
00:22:25,110 --> 00:22:27,212
EVERY MORNING AT 9 AM, WOMEN

864
00:22:27,212 --> 00:22:28,313
FRANTICALLY TRY TO REFRESH THE

865
00:22:28,313 --> 00:22:31,083
GOVERNMENT APP HOPING TO GET AN

866
00:22:31,083 --> 00:22:33,285
APPOINTMENT TO ENTER THE U.S.

867
00:22:33,285 --> 00:22:34,453
WE WATCHED WITH KARINA BRECEDA

868
00:22:34,453 --> 00:22:36,688
WHO RUNS THE SHELTER.

869
00:22:36,688 --> 00:22:38,757
BY 9:05, ALL THE APPOINTMENTS,

870
00:22:38,757 --> 00:22:41,226
AND HOPE, WERE GONE.

871
00:22:41,226 --> 00:22:43,829
IT'S LOTTERY WITH PEOPLE'S

872
00:22:43,829 --> 00:22:44,696
LIVES, WITH PEOPLE'S FAMILIES,

873
00:22:44,696 --> 00:22:45,997
WITH PEOPLE'S LIVELIHOODS, WITH

874
00:22:45,997 --> 00:22:48,467
PEOPLE'S WELL-BEING.

875
00:22:48,467 --> 00:22:49,367
John: THAT IS HORRIBLE.

876
00:22:49,367 --> 00:22:51,436
WE CLEARLY SHOULDN'T BE PLACING

877
00:22:51,436 --> 00:22:52,637
PEOPLES' FATE IN THE HANDS OF A

878
00:22:52,637 --> 00:22:53,672
SMARTPHONE APP.

879
00:22:53,672 --> 00:22:54,539
AND DON'T GET ME WRONG, APPS CAN

880
00:22:54,539 --> 00:22:56,675
SERVE A LOT OF FUNCTIONS.

881
00:22:56,675 --> 00:22:57,309
FOR EXAMPLE, THIS ONE'S FOR

882
00:22:57,309 --> 00:22:59,911
MESSAGING YOUR FRIENDS, THIS

883
00:22:59,911 --> 00:23:00,812
ONE'S FOR RECEIVING ROBOCALLS,

884
00:23:00,812 --> 00:23:01,847
THIS ONE'S FOR SEEING WHAT YOUR

885
00:23:01,847 --> 00:23:03,849
MOM IS UP TO, THIS ONE'S FOR

886
00:23:03,849 --> 00:23:04,449
ACCIDENTALLY TURNING IT ON,

887
00:23:04,449 --> 00:23:05,584
MUTTERING "SHIT," AND FINALLY

888
00:23:05,584 --> 00:23:08,587
TURNING IT OFF AFTER A MINIMUM

889
00:23:08,587 --> 00:23:10,088
OF THREE TRIES, THIS ONE'S FOR

890
00:23:10,088 --> 00:23:10,856
WATCHING DEMOCRACY CRUMBLE WHILE

891
00:23:10,856 --> 00:23:11,923
CHER TWEETS THE MOST BAFFLING

892
00:23:11,923 --> 00:23:14,159
SERIES OF EMOJIS YOU'VE EVER

893
00:23:14,159 --> 00:23:15,527
SEEN, AND THIS ONE'S FOR LOOKING

894
00:23:15,527 --> 00:23:16,895
AT PHOTOS OF PUGS WHO MAKE A

895
00:23:16,895 --> 00:23:18,930
BETTER LIVING THAN YOU DO.

896
00:23:18,930 --> 00:23:20,332
THE POINT HERE IS, WE USE APPS

897
00:23:20,332 --> 00:23:21,066
FOR MANY PURPOSES, BUT

898
00:23:21,066 --> 00:23:25,537
"RESERVING AN APPOINTMENT TO TRY

899
00:23:25,537 --> 00:23:26,338
TO SECURE THE SAFETY OF YOUR

900
00:23:26,338 --> 00:23:26,938
FAMILY" PROBABLY SHOULDN'T BE

901
00:23:26,938 --> 00:23:27,372
ONE OF THEM.

902
00:23:27,372 --> 00:23:28,974
AS OF RIGHT NOW, ONLY ABOUT 740

903
00:23:28,974 --> 00:23:31,943
PEOPLE PER DAY CAN GET

904
00:23:31,943 --> 00:23:33,078
APPOINTMENTS THROUGH THE APP.

905
00:23:33,078 --> 00:23:34,012
BUT SINCE THERE ARE OBVIOUSLY

906
00:23:34,012 --> 00:23:35,914
FAR MORE PEOPLE WHO NEED THEM,

907
00:23:35,914 --> 00:23:36,882
A DAY'S APPOINTMENTS CAN RUN OUT

908
00:23:36,882 --> 00:23:38,216
WITHIN MINUTES, WHICH IS WHY

909
00:23:38,216 --> 00:23:40,385
SOME HAVE DUBBED THE APP "ASYLUM

910
00:23:40,385 --> 00:23:42,220
TICKETMASTER"-- A TRULY

911
00:23:42,220 --> 00:23:43,855
TERRIFYING COMBINATION OF WORDS.

912
00:23:43,855 --> 00:23:45,390
AND JUST TAKE A MOMENT TO

913
00:23:45,390 --> 00:23:48,627
APPRECIATE HOW SHITTY OF A

914
00:23:48,627 --> 00:23:51,396
COMPANY TICKETMASTER IS.

915
00:23:51,396 --> 00:23:52,230
PEOPLE SAW VULNERABLE MIGRANTS

916
00:23:52,230 --> 00:23:53,365
BEING ROBBED OF THEIR ABILITY TO

917
00:23:53,365 --> 00:23:54,633
SEEK ASYLUM AND THOUGHT, "HEY,

918
00:23:54,633 --> 00:23:56,067
YOU KNOW WHAT THIS REMINDS ME

919
00:23:56,067 --> 00:23:56,668
OF?

920
00:23:56,668 --> 00:23:58,637
TICKETMASTER, A COMPANY ABOUT

921
00:23:58,637 --> 00:24:00,739
CONCERTS."

922
00:24:00,739 --> 00:24:01,439
WHAT'S MORE, MANY ASYLUM SEEKERS

923
00:24:01,439 --> 00:24:03,542
HAVE OUTDATED CELLPHONES-- IF

924
00:24:03,542 --> 00:24:05,610
THEY HAVE THEM AT ALL-- THAT

925
00:24:05,610 --> 00:24:07,012
DON'T SUPPORT THE CBP ONE APP

926
00:24:07,012 --> 00:24:08,013
AND OFTEN HAVE LIMITED OR NO

927
00:24:08,013 --> 00:24:11,416
ACCESS TO THE INTERNET.

928
00:24:11,416 --> 00:24:12,117
AND ON TOP OF ALL THIS, IT

929
00:24:12,117 --> 00:24:12,918
REQUIRES PEOPLE TO UPLOAD A

930
00:24:12,918 --> 00:24:13,285
SELFIE.

931
00:24:13,285 --> 00:24:14,319
AND ITS FACIAL RECOGNITION

932
00:24:14,319 --> 00:24:15,854
TECHNOLOGY HAS WORKED BETTER FOR

933
00:24:15,854 --> 00:24:18,256
SOME THAN FOR OTHERS.

934
00:24:18,256 --> 00:24:19,491
EVEN FOR DIGITALLY SAVVY

935
00:24:19,491 --> 00:24:20,325
MIGRANTS, THE EXPERIENCE HAS

936
00:24:20,325 --> 00:24:22,894
BEEN A CHALLENGE.

937
00:24:22,894 --> 00:24:24,162
IT DOESN'T WANT TO SCAN.

938
00:24:24,162 --> 00:24:26,464
IT DOESN'T WANT TO SCAN HIS

939
00:24:26,464 --> 00:24:26,665
FACE.

940
00:24:26,665 --> 00:24:27,966
THEY SAY THE APP HAS

941
00:24:27,966 --> 00:24:29,668
GLITCHES, AND SOME EVEN CLAIM

942
00:24:29,668 --> 00:24:31,203
THE FACIAL-RECOGNITION FEATURE

943
00:24:31,203 --> 00:24:32,337
MALFUNCTIONS FOR THOSE WITH

944
00:24:32,337 --> 00:24:34,072
DARKER SKIN.

945
00:24:34,072 --> 00:24:35,473
I GET UP TO THE OPTION TO

946
00:24:35,473 --> 00:24:36,942
SCAN MY FACE, BUT IT ASKS TO GET

947
00:24:36,942 --> 00:24:38,243
CLOSER AND CLOSER, BUT IT

948
00:24:38,243 --> 00:24:40,045
DOESN'T DO ANYTHING.

949
00:24:40,045 --> 00:24:41,012
AND THAT'S THE PROBLEM, THAT IT

950
00:24:41,012 --> 00:24:42,214
TAKES A LONG TIME TO LOAD AND

951
00:24:42,214 --> 00:24:42,814
THAT'S WHERE IT FAILS.

952
00:24:42,814 --> 00:24:44,416
SO WE TRY IT AGAIN.

953
00:24:44,416 --> 00:24:47,385
John: YEAH, PRETTY BAD.

954
00:24:47,385 --> 00:24:48,019
AT ONE SHELTER IN REYNOSA, THEY

955
00:24:48,019 --> 00:24:49,955
EVEN HAD TO INSTALL BRIGHT

956
00:24:49,955 --> 00:24:50,555
CONSTRUCTION LIGHTS FOR PEOPLE

957
00:24:50,555 --> 00:24:51,890
WITH DARKER SKIN TO SHINE ON

958
00:24:51,890 --> 00:24:52,524
THEIR FACES SO THE APP WOULD

959
00:24:52,524 --> 00:24:54,926
RECOGNIZE THEM.

960
00:24:54,926 --> 00:24:56,995
AND I'VE GOT TO SAY, GIVEN THE

961
00:24:56,995 --> 00:24:58,096
HISTORY OF EVERYTHING THAT'S

962
00:24:58,096 --> 00:24:58,697
HAPPENED IN THIS COUNTRY EVER,

963
00:24:58,697 --> 00:24:59,598
IT'S HARD TO THINK OF ANYTHING

964
00:24:59,598 --> 00:25:01,166
MORE ON-BRAND THAN A U.S.

965
00:25:01,166 --> 00:25:03,001
IMMIGRATION APP THAT SCANS YOUR

966
00:25:03,001 --> 00:25:04,236
FACE AND SAYS "NOT WHITE

967
00:25:04,236 --> 00:25:06,538
ENOUGH."

968
00:25:06,538 --> 00:25:08,073
AND NONE OF THIS IS EVEN GETTING

969
00:25:08,073 --> 00:25:09,241
INTO SOME OF THE OTHER ISSUES

970
00:25:09,241 --> 00:25:10,508
WITH THE APP, LIKE THAT IT'S

971
00:25:10,508 --> 00:25:12,010
TOLD MIGRANTS TO REPORT TO

972
00:25:12,010 --> 00:25:13,511
BORDER STATIONS 1,500 MILES

973
00:25:13,511 --> 00:25:15,213
AWAY, AND HAS MADE IT VERY

974
00:25:15,213 --> 00:25:16,882
DIFFICULT FOR FAMILIES TO GET

975
00:25:16,882 --> 00:25:17,782
APPOINTMENTS TOGETHER.

976
00:25:17,782 --> 00:25:18,450
AND FOR ANYONE CONSIDERING

977
00:25:18,450 --> 00:25:22,621
TRYING TO CIRCUMVENT THE PROCESS

978
00:25:22,621 --> 00:25:23,521
BY CROSSING THE BORDER BETWEEN

979
00:25:23,521 --> 00:25:25,824
PORTS OF ENTRY TO REQUEST ASYLUM

980
00:25:25,824 --> 00:25:27,425
- SOMETHING THAT, AGAIN, IS

981
00:25:27,425 --> 00:25:29,527
COMPLETELY LEGAL-- UNDER

982
00:25:29,527 --> 00:25:30,195
BIDEN'S PROPOSAL YOU WOULD BE

983
00:25:30,195 --> 00:25:30,695
"PRESUMED INELIGIBLE FOR

984
00:25:30,695 --> 00:25:32,364
ASYLUM," UNLESS YOU'VE ALREADY

985
00:25:32,364 --> 00:25:34,666
APPLIED FOR IT, AND BEEN DENIED,

986
00:25:34,666 --> 00:25:35,634
IN ANY COUNTRY THAT YOU'VE

987
00:25:35,634 --> 00:25:36,434
ALREADY PASSED THROUGH.

988
00:25:36,434 --> 00:25:37,969
AND AS MANY HAVE POINTED OUT,

989
00:25:37,969 --> 00:25:38,970
THIS IS EERILY SIMILAR TO A

990
00:25:38,970 --> 00:25:41,106
TRUMP ERA POLICY THAT MADE

991
00:25:41,106 --> 00:25:42,107
MIGRANTS INELIGIBLE FOR ASYLUM

992
00:25:42,107 --> 00:25:44,075
IF THEY PASSED THROUGH A THIRD

993
00:25:44,075 --> 00:25:45,310
COUNTRY EN ROUTE TO THE U.S. AND

994
00:25:45,310 --> 00:25:48,079
DIDN'T SEEK ASYLUM THERE FIRST.

995
00:25:48,079 --> 00:25:49,281
THAT FORCED PEOPLE INTO

996
00:25:49,281 --> 00:25:50,815
DANGEROUS SITUATIONS, AND WAS

997
00:25:50,815 --> 00:25:51,816
COMPLETELY ANTITHETICAL TO THE

998
00:25:51,816 --> 00:25:53,585
BASIC TENETS OF U.S. ASYLUM

999
00:25:53,585 --> 00:25:54,853
POLICY.

1000
00:25:54,853 --> 00:25:57,789
AND THAT IS SOMETHING BIDEN

1001
00:25:57,789 --> 00:25:59,391
HIMSELF DEFINITELY USED TO

1002
00:25:59,391 --> 00:26:00,592
UNDERSTAND, GIVEN, REMEMBER,

1003
00:26:00,592 --> 00:26:01,359
HE'S THE GUY WHO SAID THIS.

1004
00:26:01,359 --> 00:26:02,193
CAN'T EVEN SEEK ASYLUM ON

1005
00:26:02,193 --> 00:26:03,628
AMERICAN SOIL?

1006
00:26:03,628 --> 00:26:06,131
WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?

1007
00:26:06,131 --> 00:26:11,603
John: OH I CAN ANSWER THAT

1008
00:26:11,603 --> 00:26:11,937
FOR YOU, JOE!

1009
00:26:11,937 --> 00:26:12,270
NOW!

1010
00:26:12,270 --> 00:26:12,771
IT'S IN A RULE YOU JUST

1011
00:26:12,771 --> 00:26:15,240
PROPOSED!

1012
00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:15,840
AND I KNOW THERE ARE A LOT OF

1013
00:26:15,840 --> 00:26:16,474
THINGS WE'D LIKE TO FORGET FROM

1014
00:26:16,474 --> 00:26:17,108
2020, LIKE THE WORD CUOMOSEXUAL,

1015
00:26:17,108 --> 00:26:18,109
OR HOW EVERYTHING WAS CAKE FOR A

1016
00:26:18,109 --> 00:26:20,879
WHILE, OR HOW GONZO MY HAIR GOT,

1017
00:26:20,879 --> 00:26:22,714
I LOOK LIKE I LEGALLY HAVE TO

1018
00:26:22,714 --> 00:26:24,249
TELL EVERY ONE I JUST MOVED INTO

1019
00:26:24,249 --> 00:26:25,784
THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

1020
00:26:25,784 --> 00:26:28,253
BUT YOUR OUTRAGE OF THE

1021
00:26:28,253 --> 00:26:28,820
TREATMENT OF ASYLUM SEEKERS

1022
00:26:28,820 --> 00:26:29,688
SHOULDN'T BE SOMETHING YOU'RE

1023
00:26:29,688 --> 00:26:32,590
ALLOWED TO JUST FORGET.

1024
00:26:32,590 --> 00:26:33,224
SO IF AND WHEN TITLE 42 EXPIRES

1025
00:26:33,224 --> 00:26:34,626
NEXT MONTH, IT SEEMS WE'RE NOT

1026
00:26:34,626 --> 00:26:38,563
GOING BACK TO THE WAY THINGS

1027
00:26:38,563 --> 00:26:39,097
WERE BEFORE TRUMP.

1028
00:26:39,097 --> 00:26:44,336
WITH BIDEN'S NEW PROPOSAL, WE'RE

1029
00:26:44,336 --> 00:26:44,970
JUST ENTERING A DIFFERENT PHASE

1030
00:26:44,970 --> 00:26:45,537
OF AN IMMIGRATION DYSTOPIA,

1031
00:26:45,537 --> 00:26:46,171
PARTICULARLY FOR ASYLUM SEEKERS.

1032
00:26:46,171 --> 00:26:47,138
AND A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE UNHAPPY

1033
00:26:47,138 --> 00:26:47,372
WITH IT.

1034
00:26:47,372 --> 00:26:47,973
THE U.N. HIGH COMMISSIONER FOR

1035
00:26:47,973 --> 00:26:48,440
REFUGEES HAS SAID IT'S

1036
00:26:48,440 --> 00:26:48,907
"INCONSISTENT WITH THE

1037
00:26:48,907 --> 00:26:51,776
FOUNDATIONAL PRINCIPLES OF

1038
00:26:51,776 --> 00:26:53,545
INTERNATIONAL REFUGEE LAW" AND

1039
00:26:53,545 --> 00:26:54,779
RECOMMENDED THAT THE GOVERNMENT

1040
00:26:54,779 --> 00:26:56,548
REFRAIN FROM ADOPTING IT.

1041
00:26:56,548 --> 00:26:59,451
LOOK, IT IS PRETTY OBVIOUS

1042
00:26:59,451 --> 00:27:00,085
TITLE 42 WAS NEVER A FUNCTIONAL

1043
00:27:00,085 --> 00:27:01,720
OR COMPASSIONATE MODEL OF

1044
00:27:01,720 --> 00:27:04,322
IMMIGRATION POLICY.

1045
00:27:04,322 --> 00:27:05,423
BUT NEITHER IS FUNNELING

1046
00:27:05,423 --> 00:27:07,092
MIGRANTS THROUGH AN APP WHOSE

1047
00:27:07,092 --> 00:27:08,193
BONER ICON ACTUALLY MAKES SENSE

1048
00:27:08,193 --> 00:27:10,495
NOW, GIVEN JUST HOW THOROUGHLY

1049
00:27:10,495 --> 00:27:11,830
IT FUCKS PEOPLE.

1050
00:27:11,830 --> 00:27:12,764
SO WHAT CAN WE DO?

1051
00:27:12,764 --> 00:27:14,566
WELL, RESTORING THE RIGHT TO

1052
00:27:14,566 --> 00:27:15,200
ASYLUM WOULD ROLL BACK AT LEAST

1053
00:27:15,200 --> 00:27:16,067
SOME OF THE HARM THAT'S BEEN

1054
00:27:16,067 --> 00:27:17,669
DONE HERE.

1055
00:27:17,669 --> 00:27:19,070
BUT THAT IS JUST THE START.

1056
00:27:19,070 --> 00:27:20,638
WE ALSO HAVE TO SCALE UP

1057
00:27:20,638 --> 00:27:22,073
CAPACITY OF OUR ENTIRE

1058
00:27:22,073 --> 00:27:23,241
IMMIGRATION SYSTEM, INCLUDING

1059
00:27:23,241 --> 00:27:24,309
OUR IMMIGRATION COURTS, WHICH,

1060
00:27:24,309 --> 00:27:25,643
AS WE'VE TALKED ABOUT ON THE

1061
00:27:25,643 --> 00:27:26,177
SHOW BEFORE, ARE MASSIVELY

1062
00:27:26,177 --> 00:27:27,946
OVERLOADED.

1063
00:27:27,946 --> 00:27:29,080
THEY'RE CURRENTLY ESTIMATED TO

1064
00:27:29,080 --> 00:27:30,749
HAVE A BACKLOG OF OVER 2 MILLION

1065
00:27:30,749 --> 00:27:32,517
CASES.

1066
00:27:32,517 --> 00:27:36,421
AND BEYOND THAT, IT IS CRITICAL

1067
00:27:36,421 --> 00:27:37,255
THAT WE ALSO EXPAND OTHER LEGAL,

1068
00:27:37,255 --> 00:27:37,956
NON-ASYLUM PATHWAYS INTO THIS

1069
00:27:37,956 --> 00:27:39,357
COUNTRY.

1070
00:27:39,357 --> 00:27:41,726
BASICALLY, WE BADLY NEED ACTUAL

1071
00:27:41,726 --> 00:27:42,794
IMMIGRATION REFORM, WHICH MEANS

1072
00:27:42,794 --> 00:27:45,130
CONGRESSIONAL ACTION.

1073
00:27:45,130 --> 00:27:45,897
BUT THAT HASN'T HAPPENED IN

1074
00:27:45,897 --> 00:27:46,264
DECADES.

1075
00:27:46,264 --> 00:27:46,965
AND UNTIL IT DOES, OUR

1076
00:27:46,965 --> 00:27:47,932
IMMIGRATION SYSTEM WILL REMAIN

1077
00:27:47,932 --> 00:27:50,435
FUNDAMENTALLY BROKEN.

1078
00:27:50,435 --> 00:27:51,870
BUT THAT'S NO EXCUSE FOR MAKING

1079
00:27:51,870 --> 00:27:54,072
THINGS EVEN WORSE WITH BAD

1080
00:27:54,072 --> 00:27:55,673
POLICY AND SHITTY APPS.

1081
00:27:55,673 --> 00:27:56,875
AND I KNOW THIS CAN BE HARD TO

1082
00:27:56,875 --> 00:27:59,010
HEAR FOR SOME DEMOCRATS, WHO ARE

1083
00:27:59,010 --> 00:28:00,512
RELUCTANT TO HEAR ANY CRITICISM

1084
00:28:00,512 --> 00:28:01,046
OF BIDEN.

1085
00:28:01,046 --> 00:28:02,480
THEY'LL POINT OUT THAT TRUMP WAS

1086
00:28:02,480 --> 00:28:04,382
ABSOLUTELY WORSE ON IMMIGRATION,

1087
00:28:04,382 --> 00:28:07,685
WHICH HE WAS.

1088
00:28:07,685 --> 00:28:12,724
BUT THAT'S TOO LOW A BAR.

1089
00:28:12,724 --> 00:28:13,358
BIDEN SHOULD, AT THE VERY LEAST,

1090
00:28:13,358 --> 00:28:13,925
BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR THE

1091
00:28:13,925 --> 00:28:15,393
PROMISES HE MADE.

1092
00:28:15,393 --> 00:28:16,161
BUT THE PROBLEM IS, WHEN IT

1093
00:28:16,161 --> 00:28:16,995
COMES TO ASYLUM SEEKERS IN

1094
00:28:16,995 --> 00:28:18,229
PARTICULAR, YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT

1095
00:28:18,229 --> 00:28:19,764
A GROUP OF PEOPLE FOR WHOM THOSE

1096
00:28:19,764 --> 00:28:20,365
PROMISES ARE AMONG THE EASIEST

1097
00:28:20,365 --> 00:28:22,500
TO BREAK.

1098
00:28:22,500 --> 00:28:23,435
AND THE FACT IS, MIGRANTS ARE

1099
00:28:23,435 --> 00:28:25,036
GOING TO KEEP SEEKING ASYLUM IN

1100
00:28:25,036 --> 00:28:26,271
THIS COUNTRY, AS THEY HAVE EVERY

1101
00:28:26,271 --> 00:28:28,073
LEGAL RIGHT TO DO.

1102
00:28:28,073 --> 00:28:28,807
AND WE NEED TO MAKE A CHOICE IN

1103
00:28:28,807 --> 00:28:30,809
WHETHER WE'RE COMFORTABLE TO

1104
00:28:30,809 --> 00:28:32,577
CONTINUE LEAVING SO MANY OF THEM

1105
00:28:32,577 --> 00:28:33,711
IN SQUALOR AND DANGER AT THE

1106
00:28:33,711 --> 00:28:36,314
BORDER, OR WHETHER WE'RE WILLING

1107
00:28:36,314 --> 00:28:38,917
TO FINALLY FULFILL OUR NATION'S

1108
00:28:38,917 --> 00:28:39,617
PROMISE OF OFFERING THEM A

1109
00:28:39,617 --> 00:28:41,219
SAFER, MORE HOPEFUL LIFE IN A

1110
00:28:41,219 --> 00:28:47,158
FREE COUNTRY COMPLETE WITH THE

1111
00:28:47,158 --> 00:28:49,994
HORNIEST PILE O' GATORS IN THE

1112
00:28:49,994 --> 00:28:50,395
ENTIRE WORLD.

1113
00:28:50,395 --> 00:28:59,504
AND NOW THIS.

1114
00:28:59,504 --> 00:29:00,138
Announcer: AND NOW, WAIT, DID

1115
00:29:00,138 --> 00:29:00,705
TUCKER CARLSON KNOW THIS WAS

1116
00:29:00,705 --> 00:29:00,939
COMING?

1117
00:29:00,939 --> 00:29:01,506
PEOPLE GETTING HIRED AND

1118
00:29:01,506 --> 00:29:02,140
DROVE OUT OF SOCIETY FORCING THE

1119
00:29:02,140 --> 00:29:02,440
WRONG THING.

1120
00:29:02,440 --> 00:29:02,841
EVEN ACCIDENTALLY.

1121
00:29:02,841 --> 00:29:04,976
SO PAY ATTENTION.

1122
00:29:04,976 --> 00:29:06,611
LET ME JUST BE TOTALLY CLEAR,

1123
00:29:06,611 --> 00:29:07,712
I'M NEVER GOING TO CALL FOR

1124
00:29:07,712 --> 00:29:08,847
ANYBODY'S FIRING FOR SAYING

1125
00:29:08,847 --> 00:29:10,148
SOMETHING STUPID ON TELEVISION

1126
00:29:10,148 --> 00:29:11,316
AS SOMEONE WHO SAID SOMETHING

1127
00:29:11,316 --> 00:29:14,686
STUPID ON TELEVISION.

1128
00:29:14,686 --> 00:29:15,854
OTHER PEOPLE MIGHT DISAGREE WITH

1129
00:29:15,854 --> 00:29:16,287
YOU AND THAT'S OKAY.

1130
00:29:16,287 --> 00:29:17,755
THAT DOESN'T MAKE OTHER VIEW

1131
00:29:17,755 --> 00:29:18,323
EVIL OR SHOULD BE FIRED FROM

1132
00:29:18,323 --> 00:29:22,760
YOUR JOB.

1133
00:29:22,760 --> 00:29:23,495
I'D BE HAPPY TO LIVE IN A WORLD

1134
00:29:23,495 --> 00:29:24,462
WHERE NOBODY GOT FIRED FOR

1135
00:29:24,462 --> 00:29:25,096
SAYING SOMETHING STUPID.

1136
00:29:25,096 --> 00:29:25,797
WHY ARE SO MANY PEOPLE BEING

1137
00:29:25,797 --> 00:29:26,698
FIRED RIGHT NOW?

1138
00:29:26,698 --> 00:29:28,299
YOU CAN BE FIRED FROM YOUR JOB

1139
00:29:28,299 --> 00:29:35,106
IF YOU DISOBEY.

1140
00:29:35,106 --> 00:29:35,907
DO YOU EVER SAY ANYTHING YOU

1141
00:29:35,907 --> 00:29:36,441
THINK AT WORK AND YOU CAN

1142
00:29:36,441 --> 00:29:36,741
BE FIRED.

1143
00:29:36,741 --> 00:29:38,877
YOU CAN BE FIRED.

1144
00:29:38,877 --> 00:29:39,611
MOST OF US DON'T HAVE JOB

1145
00:29:39,611 --> 00:29:43,515
SECURITY, I'VE BEEN FIRED.

1146
00:29:43,515 --> 00:29:44,082
PERHAPS I'LL BE FIRED AGAIN.

1147
00:29:44,082 --> 00:29:44,349
♪ ♪

1148
00:29:44,349 --> 00:29:45,750
[Cheers and applause]

1149
00:29:45,750 --> 00:29:51,156
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

1150
00:29:51,156 --> 00:29:52,123
John: MOVING ON.

1151
00:29:52,123 --> 00:29:52,790
BEFORE WE GO TONIGHT, A QUICK

1152
00:29:52,790 --> 00:29:53,191
UPDATE.

1153
00:29:53,191 --> 00:29:54,659
YOU MAY REMEMBER LAST MONTH, WE

1154
00:29:54,659 --> 00:29:55,560
INTRODUCED YOU TO RADIANT

1155
00:29:55,560 --> 00:29:56,828
PLUMBING AND AIR CONDITIONING, A

1156
00:29:56,828 --> 00:29:58,163
TEXAS COMPANY STARTED BY A

1157
00:29:58,163 --> 00:30:00,165
MARRIED COUPLE WHO PRODUCE

1158
00:30:00,165 --> 00:30:01,666
ELABORATE MOVIE-THEMED ADS, FROM

1159
00:30:01,666 --> 00:30:08,573
A TOILET-THEMED AVENGERS PARODY,

1160
00:30:08,573 --> 00:30:10,341
TO A TOILET THEMED TERMINATOR

1161
00:30:10,341 --> 00:30:10,942
ONE, TO EVEN TAKING ON "DUNE".

1162
00:30:10,942 --> 00:30:11,543
THE PEOPLE ASK US TO BRING

1163
00:30:11,543 --> 00:30:12,177
PEACE TO THE CITY OF AUSTIN.

1164
00:30:12,177 --> 00:30:14,646
HOUSE RADIANT ACCEPTS!

1165
00:30:14,646 --> 00:30:17,115
I KNOW YOU.

1166
00:30:17,115 --> 00:30:19,484
THERE'S SOMETHING AWAKENING IN

1167
00:30:19,484 --> 00:30:24,489
YOUR MIND.

1168
00:30:24,489 --> 00:30:25,590
♪ ♪

1169
00:30:25,590 --> 00:30:26,891
John: YOU KNOW, WHEN

1170
00:30:26,891 --> 00:30:28,259
FRANK HERBERT WROTE "DUNE," I

1171
00:30:28,259 --> 00:30:29,661
DOUBT HE REALIZED THAT THE

1172
00:30:29,661 --> 00:30:31,930
QUINTESSENTIAL VERSION OF HIS

1173
00:30:31,930 --> 00:30:32,564
STORY WOULD BE MADE NOT BY

1174
00:30:32,564 --> 00:30:33,932
JODOROWSKY, NOT BY DAVID LYNCH,

1175
00:30:33,932 --> 00:30:35,733
NOT BY DENIS VILLENEUVE, BUT BY

1176
00:30:35,733 --> 00:30:37,869
A GAGGLE OF TEXAS TOILET

1177
00:30:37,869 --> 00:30:38,403
SPECIALISTS WITH AN AFTER

1178
00:30:38,403 --> 00:30:40,538
EFFECTS LOGIN.

1179
00:30:40,538 --> 00:30:41,406
WE LOVED THEIR INGENUITY SO

1180
00:30:41,406 --> 00:30:42,607
MUCH, WE ISSUED THEM A

1181
00:30:42,607 --> 00:30:44,142
CHALLENGE, SAYING, IF THEY

1182
00:30:44,142 --> 00:30:45,410
AGREED TO MAKE THEIR NEXT

1183
00:30:45,410 --> 00:30:47,212
COMMERCIAL BASED ON THE MYSTERY

1184
00:30:47,212 --> 00:30:49,047
MOVIE IN THAT ENVELOPE, WE'D

1185
00:30:49,047 --> 00:30:51,416
DEBUT IT ON THIS SHOW, AND GIVE

1186
00:30:51,416 --> 00:30:52,383
$10,000 TO THE CENTRAL TEXAS

1187
00:30:52,383 --> 00:30:53,251
FOOD BANK.

1188
00:30:53,251 --> 00:30:56,020
AND I'M HAPPY TO SAY THEY TOOK

1189
00:30:56,020 --> 00:30:57,322
US UP ON THAT OFFER.

1190
00:30:57,322 --> 00:30:59,624
AND LOOK, WE WERE NEVER GOING TO

1191
00:30:59,624 --> 00:31:04,262
FUCK THEM OVER WITH THE MOVIE

1192
00:31:04,262 --> 00:31:04,896
CHOICE, WE WERE NEVER GOING TO

1193
00:31:04,896 --> 00:31:09,400
FUCK THEM OVER BY GIVING THEM A

1194
00:31:09,400 --> 00:31:10,068
MOVIE LIKE "SCHINDLER'S LIST" OR

1195
00:31:10,068 --> 00:31:11,269
"TAR."

1196
00:31:11,269 --> 00:31:11,903
BUT WE WANTED TO CHALLENGE THEM.

1197
00:31:11,903 --> 00:31:12,437
SO THE FILM WE PICKED WAS

1198
00:31:12,437 --> 00:31:12,804
"MAGNOLIA."

1199
00:31:12,804 --> 00:31:13,638
THAT'S RIGHT, WE ASKED THEM TO

1200
00:31:13,638 --> 00:31:14,639
TURN P.T. ANDERSON'S SPRAWLING,

1201
00:31:14,639 --> 00:31:16,507
THREE-HOUR EPIC INTO A

1202
00:31:16,507 --> 00:31:17,108
COMMERCIAL FOR A TOILET-REPAIR

1203
00:31:17,108 --> 00:31:17,742
BUSINESS.

1204
00:31:17,742 --> 00:31:19,410
WHICH IS EASIER SAID THAN DONE.

1205
00:31:19,410 --> 00:31:20,545
"MAGNOLIA" IS A MOVIE WITH A

1206
00:31:20,545 --> 00:31:22,814
SHIT-TON OF MAIN CHARACTERS,

1207
00:31:22,814 --> 00:31:24,382
RANGING FROM A DERANGED

1208
00:31:24,382 --> 00:31:27,752
MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER TO A

1209
00:31:27,752 --> 00:31:29,721
STUCK ON A QUIZ SHOW TO A WOMAN

1210
00:31:29,721 --> 00:31:32,724
SO HYPED OUT ON COCAINE SHE

1211
00:31:32,724 --> 00:31:34,759
MIGHT EXPLODE TO THE COP WHO

1212
00:31:34,759 --> 00:31:35,326
COMES TO HER DOOR AND MAYBE

1213
00:31:35,326 --> 00:31:36,794
FALLS IN LOVE WITH HER.

1214
00:31:36,794 --> 00:31:37,395
IT ALSO FEATURES NOT ONE, BUT

1215
00:31:37,395 --> 00:31:38,229
TWO FATHER FIGURES DYING OF

1216
00:31:38,229 --> 00:31:39,430
CANCER, AND CATCHY LINES OF

1217
00:31:39,430 --> 00:31:40,565
DIALOGUE LIKE THIS.

1218
00:31:40,565 --> 00:31:42,934
I HAVE CANCER AND I'M DYING

1219
00:31:42,934 --> 00:31:45,803
VERY SOON.

1220
00:31:45,803 --> 00:31:47,872
IT'S METASTASIZED IN MY BONES.

1221
00:31:47,872 --> 00:31:49,140
John: LOOK, I'M NOT SAYING

1222
00:31:49,140 --> 00:31:50,275
THAT THIS FILM WAS EASY FOR THEM

1223
00:31:50,275 --> 00:31:51,509
TO TURN INTO A TOILET PARODY.

1224
00:31:51,509 --> 00:31:53,778
I'M NOT SUGGESTING THAT.

1225
00:31:53,778 --> 00:31:55,213
BUT WE WERE CONFIDENT THEY COULD

1226
00:31:55,213 --> 00:31:55,546
DO IT.

1227
00:31:55,546 --> 00:31:57,882
ALSO, VISUALLY, MAGNOLIA GIVES

1228
00:31:57,882 --> 00:31:58,983
THEM SOMETHING TO WORK WITH.

1229
00:31:58,983 --> 00:32:00,218
IT HAS A BLACK-AND-WHITE

1230
00:32:00,218 --> 00:32:02,420
PROLOGUE, A LITERAL RAINSTORM OF

1231
00:32:02,420 --> 00:32:04,188
FROGS, AND A MOMENT WHERE EVERY

1232
00:32:04,188 --> 00:32:04,789
CHARACTER SINGS THE SAME

1233
00:32:04,789 --> 00:32:06,624
AIMEE MANN SONG.

1234
00:32:06,624 --> 00:32:34,886
♪ IT'S NOT GOING TO STOP ♪

1235
00:32:34,886 --> 00:32:35,420
♪ 'TIL YOU WISE UP ♪

1236
00:32:35,420 --> 00:32:36,020
John: I'M TELLING YOU, THIS

1237
00:32:36,020 --> 00:32:36,387
MOVIE IS GREAT.

1238
00:32:36,387 --> 00:32:36,988
IT'S IS FANTASTICALLY BONKERS.

1239
00:32:36,988 --> 00:32:37,655
SO WE WERE EXCITED TO SEE WHICH

1240
00:32:37,655 --> 00:32:38,423
PARTS OF IT THEY CHOSE TO PARODY

1241
00:32:38,423 --> 00:32:39,357
AND SURPRISINGLY, IT TURNED OUT:

1242
00:32:39,357 --> 00:32:41,392
KIND OF ALL OF THEM.

1243
00:32:41,392 --> 00:32:43,061
SO WE'RE THRILLED TO SHARE WHAT

1244
00:32:43,061 --> 00:32:46,164
RADIANT DID WITH YOU TONIGHT.

1245
00:32:46,164 --> 00:32:48,032
AND SPOILER ALERT, THEY REALLY

1246
00:32:48,032 --> 00:32:49,233
OUTDID THEMSELVES WITH THE

1247
00:32:49,233 --> 00:32:49,567
TITLE.

1248
00:32:49,567 --> 00:32:51,502
THE YEAR WAS 1999.

1249
00:32:51,502 --> 00:32:53,171
A TYPICAL STORY, A NORMAL COUPLE

1250
00:32:53,171 --> 00:32:55,440
AND A NORMAL BUSINESS.

1251
00:32:55,440 --> 00:32:56,908
WHAT THEY BUILT TURNED OUT TO BE

1252
00:32:56,908 --> 00:33:03,147
ANYTHING BUT NORMAL.

1253
00:33:03,147 --> 00:33:03,748
♪ ♪

1254
00:33:03,748 --> 00:33:04,949
THE QUESTION IS, IF YOU HAVE

1255
00:33:04,949 --> 00:33:05,850
PROBLEMS WITH YOUR TOILET--

1256
00:33:05,850 --> 00:33:06,918
THE ANSWER IS, JUST CALL

1257
00:33:06,918 --> 00:33:08,286
RADIANT.

1258
00:33:08,286 --> 00:33:08,786
[KNOCKING]

1259
00:33:08,786 --> 00:33:11,222
I'LL BE RIGHT THERE!

1260
00:33:11,222 --> 00:33:13,725
OH, IT'S SUPER LOUD!

1261
00:33:13,725 --> 00:33:15,360
I'M HERE TO HELP.

1262
00:33:15,360 --> 00:33:16,661
SOMETIMES MY PLUMBING IS

1263
00:33:16,661 --> 00:33:17,328
BROKEN AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO

1264
00:33:17,328 --> 00:33:18,062
DO.

1265
00:33:18,062 --> 00:33:18,696
PROBLEMS WITH YOUR PLUMBING?

1266
00:33:18,696 --> 00:33:18,996
[DING]

1267
00:33:18,996 --> 00:33:20,398
JUST CALL RADIANT!

1268
00:33:20,398 --> 00:33:21,499
TELL HIM I'M OKAY.

1269
00:33:21,499 --> 00:33:23,301
EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE OKAY.

1270
00:33:23,301 --> 00:33:24,802
HOW DARE YOU JUDGE ME?

1271
00:33:24,802 --> 00:33:26,003
YOU'RE A TERRIBLE WATER

1272
00:33:26,003 --> 00:33:27,271
HEATER!

1273
00:33:27,271 --> 00:33:28,272
COLD SHOWERS MY WHOLE LIFE!

1274
00:33:28,272 --> 00:33:28,873
THERE'S PROBLEMS WITH YOUR

1275
00:33:28,873 --> 00:33:29,207
WATER HEATER?

1276
00:33:29,207 --> 00:33:29,474
[DING]

1277
00:33:29,474 --> 00:33:31,309
JUST CALL RADIANT!

1278
00:33:31,309 --> 00:33:32,443
I WANT TO BE COOL, BUT I'M SO

1279
00:33:32,443 --> 00:33:37,682
DARN HOT!

1280
00:33:37,682 --> 00:33:39,550
[CLANKING OF FALLING TOILETS]

1281
00:33:39,550 --> 00:33:40,985
THIS DARN AC!

1282
00:33:40,985 --> 00:33:41,586
IF I WERE SMART, I COULD CALL

1283
00:33:41,586 --> 00:33:48,426
RADIANT!

1284
00:33:48,426 --> 00:33:50,061
TOILETS ARE FALLING FROM THE

1285
00:33:50,061 --> 00:33:51,095
SKY!

1286
00:33:51,095 --> 00:33:53,564
[BARKING]

1287
00:33:53,564 --> 00:34:01,005
♪ ♪

1288
00:34:01,005 --> 00:34:02,206
THERE YOU HAVE IT.

1289
00:34:02,206 --> 00:34:03,708
THERE WAS THE STORY OF RADIANT

1290
00:34:03,708 --> 00:34:05,309
PLUMBING AND AIR CONDITIONING.

1291
00:34:05,309 --> 00:34:06,544
COULD IT ACTUALLY ALL HAVE BEEN

1292
00:34:06,544 --> 00:34:08,913
A COINCIDENCE?

1293
00:34:08,913 --> 00:34:11,215
ALL THIS HOUSE KNOWS FOR SURE IS

1294
00:34:11,215 --> 00:34:13,484
THAT IF YOU NEED HELP WITH YOUR

1295
00:34:13,484 --> 00:34:14,919
PLUMBING, AIR CONDITIONING, OR

1296
00:34:14,919 --> 00:34:18,589
DRAINS, JUST CALL RADIANT.

1297
00:34:18,589 --> 00:34:21,659
♪ THE ANSWER TO IT ALL ♪

1298
00:34:21,659 --> 00:34:23,661
♪ IS SIMPLY TO JUST CALL ♪

1299
00:34:23,661 --> 00:34:25,630
♪ RADIANT ♪

1300
00:34:25,630 --> 00:34:31,002
♪ ♪

1301
00:34:31,002 --> 00:34:32,036
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

1302
00:34:32,036 --> 00:34:32,503
John: EXCELLENT.

1303
00:34:32,503 --> 00:34:33,671
JUST EXCELLENT.

1304
00:34:33,671 --> 00:34:35,339
BUT HERE'S THE THING, JUST LIKE

1305
00:34:35,339 --> 00:34:36,574
MAGNOLIA ITSELF, THAT AD'S A

1306
00:34:36,574 --> 00:34:37,775
PIECE OF ART THAT REQUIRES

1307
00:34:37,775 --> 00:34:39,043
MULTIPLE VIEWINGS TO TRULY

1308
00:34:39,043 --> 00:34:39,911
APPRECIATE.

1309
00:34:39,911 --> 00:34:41,479
BECAUSE THE LEVEL OF DETAIL HERE

1310
00:34:41,479 --> 00:34:43,714
IS COMPLETE MADNESS.

1311
00:34:43,714 --> 00:34:45,249
THERE ARE MULTIPLE SCENES THAT

1312
00:34:45,249 --> 00:34:46,918
ARE SHOT-FOR-SHOT MATCHES FOR

1313
00:34:46,918 --> 00:34:48,319
THE ORIGINAL MOVIE, EVEN DOWN TO

1314
00:34:48,319 --> 00:34:50,555
THIS ZOOM IN ON A PIECE OF ART

1315
00:34:50,555 --> 00:34:51,689
IN "MAGNOLIA," WHICH THEY

1316
00:34:51,689 --> 00:34:54,091
CLEVERLY MATCHED WITH THIS ONE.

1317
00:34:54,091 --> 00:34:55,760
ALSO, IN THE ORIGINAL MOVIE, A

1318
00:34:55,760 --> 00:34:57,628
FALLING FROG INTERRUPTS A

1319
00:34:57,628 --> 00:34:59,497
SUICIDE ATTEMPT, AND IN THEIR

1320
00:34:59,497 --> 00:35:00,364
VERSION, A TOILET'S SUICIDE BY

1321
00:35:00,364 --> 00:35:02,166
DRILL IS THWARTED BY A TINY

1322
00:35:02,166 --> 00:35:04,402
FALLING TOILET.

1323
00:35:04,402 --> 00:35:06,103
THAT SUICIDAL TOILET, BY THE

1324
00:35:06,103 --> 00:35:07,805
WAY, BEARS THE WORDS, "I HAVE

1325
00:35:07,805 --> 00:35:09,273
CORROSION, IT IS IN MY

1326
00:35:09,273 --> 00:35:10,942
PORCELAIN, ONLY HAVE A COUPLE OF

1327
00:35:10,942 --> 00:35:12,510
MONTHS," WHILE THE OTHER DYING

1328
00:35:12,510 --> 00:35:13,411
FATHER FIGURE IS REPRESENTED BY

1329
00:35:13,411 --> 00:35:14,679
THIS WATER HEATER WEARING A

1330
00:35:14,679 --> 00:35:17,348
HOSPITAL GOWN WHICH BEARS THE

1331
00:35:17,348 --> 00:35:18,549
WORDS, "I HAVE CORROSION TOO,"

1332
00:35:18,549 --> 00:35:20,818
SAD FACE.

1333
00:35:20,818 --> 00:35:22,386
EVERY DETAIL IS DELIBERATE, EVEN

1334
00:35:22,386 --> 00:35:24,622
THE THERMOSTAT IN THIS SCENE IS

1335
00:35:24,622 --> 00:35:25,456
SET TO 99 DEGREES, REFERENCING

1336
00:35:25,456 --> 00:35:27,925
BOTH THE YEAR THE ORIGINAL FILM

1337
00:35:27,925 --> 00:35:29,126
WAS RELEASED AND THE YEAR THAT

1338
00:35:29,126 --> 00:35:30,294
RADIANT WAS FOUNDED.

1339
00:35:30,294 --> 00:35:32,029
THERE ARE MORE EASTER EGGS IN

1340
00:35:32,029 --> 00:35:33,064
THIS AD THAN IN A 10-EPISODE

1341
00:35:33,064 --> 00:35:35,500
MARVEL TV SHOW.

1342
00:35:35,500 --> 00:35:36,634
AT ONE POINT IN THE ORIGINAL

1343
00:35:36,634 --> 00:35:43,074
MOVIE, THIS CHARACTER SAYS TO

1344
00:35:43,074 --> 00:35:46,043
THIS CHARACTER THAT HE WILL

1345
00:35:46,043 --> 00:35:48,713
"DROPKICK THE DOGS IF THEY GET

1346
00:35:48,713 --> 00:35:50,147
NEAR ME," AND IF YOU WATCH VERY

1347
00:35:50,147 --> 00:35:52,817
CAREFULLY WHEN THEIR CHARACTERS

1348
00:35:52,817 --> 00:35:53,985
MEET IN THE RADIANT AD, YOU'LL

1349
00:35:53,985 --> 00:35:54,352
NOTICE THIS.

1350
00:35:54,352 --> 00:35:54,719
[SLO-MO BARK]

1351
00:35:54,719 --> 00:35:55,486
John: COME ON!

1352
00:35:55,486 --> 00:35:56,120
COME ON!

1353
00:35:56,120 --> 00:35:56,687
WHAT ELSE COULD YOU POSSIBLY

1354
00:35:56,687 --> 00:35:57,321
WANT?

1355
00:35:57,321 --> 00:35:57,955
NOT ONLY DID THEY GO ABOVE AND

1356
00:35:57,955 --> 00:35:59,457
BEYOND, THEY'RE EVEN MATCHING

1357
00:35:59,457 --> 00:36:00,858
OUR DONATION WITH ONE TO THE

1358
00:36:00,858 --> 00:36:03,127
SAN ANTONIO FOOD BANK.

1359
00:36:03,127 --> 00:36:03,661
RADIANT PLUMBING, YOU HAVE

1360
00:36:03,661 --> 00:36:05,062
DELIVERED.

1361
00:36:05,062 --> 00:36:08,399
THANK YOU SO MUCH.

1362
00:36:08,399 --> 00:36:10,701
HONESTLY, I STILL DON'T KNOW IF

1363
00:36:10,701 --> 00:36:12,169
YOU'RE ANY GOOD AT PLUMBING, AND

1364
00:36:12,169 --> 00:36:13,938
IF IT TURNS OUT YOU'RE TERRIBLE

1365
00:36:13,938 --> 00:36:15,172
AT IT, THAT WOULD ACTUALLY MAKE

1366
00:36:15,172 --> 00:36:17,041
ALL THIS TEN TIMES FUNNIER.

1367
00:36:17,041 --> 00:36:17,875
BUT ONE THING IS FOR SURE, WHEN

1368
00:36:17,875 --> 00:36:19,510
IT COMES TO TOILET-BASED CINEMA,

1369
00:36:19,510 --> 00:36:21,445
YOU ARE UNPARALLELED.

1370
00:36:21,445 --> 00:36:22,647
AND I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE WHAT

1371
00:36:22,647 --> 00:36:24,448
YOU DO NEXT, BECAUSE REMEMBER:

1372
00:36:24,448 --> 00:36:25,650
IF YOU CAN DREAM IT, YOU CAN

1373
00:36:25,650 --> 00:36:26,350
TOILET.

1374
00:36:26,350 --> 00:36:28,853
[BARKING]

1375
00:36:28,853 --> 00:36:29,086
EXACTLY.

1376
00:36:29,086 --> 00:36:30,254
THAT'S OUR SHOW.

1377
00:36:30,254 --> 00:36:32,790
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WATCHING.

1378
00:36:32,790 --> 00:36:35,826
GOOD NIGHT!

1379
00:36:35,826 --> 00:36:36,427
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

1380
00:36:36,427 --> 00:36:37,495
♪ ♪