♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> John: WELCOME, WELCOME,
WELCOME TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT!"
I'M JOHN OLIVER, THANK YOU SO
MUCH FOR JOINING US, AND
NORMALLY, THIS IS WHERE
WE'D DO A QUICK RECAP OF THE
WEEK.
BUT, AS YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED,
WE'VE BEEN OFF AIR FOR THE LAST
FIVE MONTHS DUE TO THE WRITERS
STRIKE -- WHICH I'M VERY HAPPY
TO SAY IS OVER, AND EVEN HAPPIER
TO SAY WAS SUCCESSFUL.
SO INSTEAD OF RECAPPING THE LAST
WEEK, WE'RE GOING TO START BY
RECAPPING EVERYTHING THAT'S
HAPPENED IN THE LAST FIVE
MONTHS -- WHICH HAS BEEN A LOT.
AND WE'LL BEGIN IN THE U.S.
SENATE WITH THIS:
>> I GOT A NEW STRAP --
STRAP-ON HARNESS TODAY.
I CAN'T WAIT TO PUT IT ON YOU.
IT WILL FIT MY FAVORITE DILDO
PERFECTLY.
YOU'RE GOING TO LOOKO HOT.
I CAN'T WAIT TO HAVE YOUR COCK
IN MY MOUTH.
I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU THE
BLOWJOB OF YOUR LIFE THEN I WANT
YOU INSIDE OF ME.
>> John: LOOK.
I KNOW YOU MAY HAVE BEEN
WONDERING, "WHAT'RE THEY GOING
TO TALK ABOUT WHEN THEY COME
BACK?
WHAT IS SO IMPORTANT IT HAS TO
BE THE FIRST THING THEY BRING
UP?"
WELL, IT'S THIS.
SINCE THE MOMENT THE PHRASE
"STRAP-ON HARNESS" CAREENED OUT
OF SENATOR FOGHORN LEGHORN'S
MOUTH, IT WAS ALWAYS THIS.
AND SURE, HE STUMBLES ON
"STRAP-ON," BUT HE GLIDES
BEAUTIFULLY THROUGH
DOESN'T FALTER FOR A SECOND ON
"COCK IN MY MOUTH,"
THEN STICKS THE LANDING ON
"BLOWJOB OF YOUR LIFE" WHILE
PUNCTUATING IT WITH A PERFECT
LOOK DOWN HIS GLASSES.
IT'S A TRULY SUBLIME 25 SECONDS,
AND IF WE DIDN'T HAVE SO MUCH TO
CATCH UP ON TONIGHT, I WOULD
PLAY IT ON REPEAT FOR THE REST
OF THE SHOW.
BUT CLEARLY, A LOT MORE HAPPENED
IN THE WORLD OF POLITICS.
THE SUPREME COURT EFFECTIVELY
BANNED AFFIRMATIVE ACTION.
TRUMP WAS INDICTED MULTIPLE
TIMES, ONE OF WHICH GAVE US THIS
MUG SHOT IN WHICH HE LOOKS LIKE
HE'S STRUGGLING TO FIND WALDO ON
A CROWDED SKI SLOPE.
AND LAUREN BOEBERT WAS KICKED
OUT OF A MUSICAL FOR
INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR.
AND WHILE I WOULD LOVE TO JOKE
ABOUT THAT, I DON'T WANT TO GET
BOGGED DOWN IN IT.
AFTER ALL, SHE WAS KICKED OUT OF
THE SHOW.
THAT IS PROBABLY PUNISHMENT
ENOUGH.
SO INSTEAD WE'RE GOING TO MOVE
ON TO ITALY, WHERE ECONOMIC
PROBLEMS HAVE PUT REAL PRESSURE
ON PRIME MINISTER GEORGIA
MELONI'S UPCOMING BUDGET --
ALTHOUGH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
JUST BRIEFLY, THE INAPPROPRIATE
BEHAVIOR THAT BOEBERT ENGAGED IN
APPARENTLY INVOLVED HER BEING
LOUD AND REFUSING TO STOP VAPING
AROUND A PREGNANT WOMAN.
ALSO THERE WAS SOME FONDLING AND
LIGHT OVER-THE-PANTS HAND STUFF
WHICH WAS CAUGHT ON VIDEO.
BUT AGAIN, I DON'T WANT TO GET
INTO THAT TOO MUCH, BECAUSE IN
ITALY, MARKETS ARE DUBIOUS THAT
MELONI WILL BE ABLE TO --
IT WAS "BEETLEJUICE," BY THE
WAY.
THAT WAS THE MUSICAL
LAUREN BOEBERT WAS WATCHING.
IT WAS A TOURING PRODUCTION OF
"BEETLEJUICE THE MUSICAL."
I JUST NEED YOU TO KNOW THAT.
I'M NOT SAYING IT'D BE
APPROPRIATE TO ENGAGE IN HIGH
SCHOOL FRESHMAN-ERA HAND STUFF
DURING A PRODUCTION OF ANY
MUSICAL, BUT I JUST WANTED TO BE
ABSOLUTELY CLEAR THAT THIS
WASN'T ONE OF THE MORE
EXPLICITLY SEXUAL ONES
LIKE "SPRING AWAKENING" OR
"ROCKY HORROR" OR "CATS
THIS WAS "BEETLEJUICE," A SHOW
THAT'S QUITE LOUDLY ABOUT DEATH.
I'M JUST SAYING, IF YOU'RE GOING
TO GET YOUR NIPPLES TWEAKED AND
YOUR PIPE SQUEAKED, YOU SAVE
THAT SHIT FOR "FIDDLER" LIKE A
GODDAMN ADULT.
BUT AGAIN, IT'S AN OLD STORY,
IT'S BEEN RESOLVED, AND IT
FUNDAMENTALLY DOESN'T MATTER.
WHAT MATTERS IS, IN ITALY,
ECONOMIC GROWTH RATES ARE
CAUSING SOME SIGNIFICANT --
SORRY, THERE IS JUST ONE MORE
THING ABOUT LAUREN BOEBERT.
REPORTS SAY THAT AFTER RECEIVING
A WARNING AT INTERMISSION, THE
FINAL COMPLAINT THAT LED TO HER
BEING KICKED OUT CAME
FIVE MINUTES INTO ACT II.
NOW, IF YOU DON'T KNOW THE SHOW,
THAT PUTS US COMFORTABLY INTO
"THAT BEAUTIFUL SOUND," A SONG
WHERE BEETLEJUICE AND LIDIA
GLEEFULLY TORTURE A SERIES OF
VISITORS INCLUDING A GIRL SCOUT,
A PIZZA DELIVERY PERSON, AND ONE
OF THEIR NEIGHBORS.
IT'S A SONG ABOUT HOW THEY LIKE
THE SOUND OF TORTURED SCREAMS.
IS IT THE LEAST SEXY THING
PERSON CAN SIT THROUGH?
NO.
THAT WOULD BE THIS
BUT IT IS UP THERE.
ANYWAY, AS SHE WAS BEING
ESCORTED OUT OF THE THEATER, SHE
APPARENT SAID "DO YOU KNOW WHO
I AM?" AND "I WILL BE CONTACTING
THE MAYOR."
WHICH ARE TWO JUST
CATASTROPHICALLY BAD DECISIONS.
IF YOU'VE BEEN CAUGHT FOR,
AGAIN, SEXUAL ACTIVITY DURING
"BEETLEJUICE THE MUSICAL," YOU'D
HOPE NO ONE KNEW WHO YOU WERE
AND YOU DEFINITELY WOULDN'T WANT
TO IMMEDIATELY GET ON THE PHONE
WITH THE MAYOR TO TELL HIM WHAT
HAD JUST HAPPENED.
AND THE THING IS, SADLY, THIS
INCIDENT HAS NOW DERAILED ME SO
MUCH, I DON'T EVEN HAVE TIME TO
TALK ABOUT ITALY'S ECONOMIC
STRUGGLES ANYMORE, SO -- MUCH
LIKE LAUREN BOEBERT AND THE
MUSICAL "BEETLEJUICE" -- YOU'LL
NEVER GET TO KNOW HOW IT ALL
TURNS OUT.
INSTEAD, WE NEED TO CATCH UP ON
WHAT HAPPENED IN NEWERSEY,
WHOSE DEMOCRATIC SENATOR
BOB MENENDEZ WAS INDICTED ON
CORRUPTION CHARGES FOR ACCEPTING
BRIBES TO AID LOCAL BUSINESSMEN
AND BENEFIT THE EGYPTIAN
GOVERNMENT.
AND WHILE HE HAS DENIED THOSE
CHARGES, SOME OF THE DETAILS
LOOK PRETTY BAD.
>> THE INDICTMENT ALLEGES
MENENDEZ AND HIS WIFE RECEIVED
NEARLY A HALF MILLION DOLLARS IN
CASH AND $150,000 WORTH OF GOLD
BARS.
PROSECUTORS ALSO SAY THAT THE
DAY AFTER THE TWO RETURNED FROM
A TRIP TO EGYPT, MENENDEZ
SEARCHED ONLINE, "HOW MUCH IS
ONE KILO OF GOLD WORTH?"
>> John: YEAH, NOT GREAT, BOB!
THAT IS PRETTY INCRIMINATING.
NO ONE CASUALLY GOOGLES "HOW
MUCH IS ONE KILO OF GOLD WORTH?"
BECAUSE THEY'RE BORED.
THEY GOOGLE, "DO BUTTERFLIES
FEEL PAIN WHEN THEY FWAP THEIR
WINGS?"
"JUST HOW LITTLE LOVE CAN A
PERSON LIVE ON?"
AND "WHAT EXACTLY IS A
TRAVIS KELCE?"
"HOW MUCH IS ONE KILO OF GOLD
WORTH?" IS AN INHERENTLY
INCRIMINATING GOOGLE SEARCH,
IT'S RIGHT UP THERE WITH "CAN
YOU SNORT ADDERALL" OR "HOW TO
GET BLOODSTAINS OUT OF YOUR
WIFE."
AND IT'S NOT JUST MENENDEZ WHO'S
BEEN IN LEGAL JEOPARDY --
PILLOW BARON MIKE LINDELL
CONTINUES TO FACE LAWSUITS
STEMMING FROM THE FALSE CLAIMS
HE PROMOTED ABOUT VOTING
MACHINES, AND A FEW WEEKS AGO, A
DEPOSITION FROM ONE OF THOSE
CASES CAME OUT, FEATURING THIS
SPECTACULAR MOMENT, AS HE
DISCUSSED WHAT SORT OF
CUSTOMER SERVICE CALLS HIS
COMPANY GETS.
>> OKAY.
AND I'M NOT ASKING ABOUT THE
LUMPY PILLOW CALLS.
>> NO, THEY'RE NOT LUMPY
PILLOWS.
THAT'S NOT WHAT THEY CALL ON.
OKAY.
WHEN YOU SAY LUMPY PILLOWS, NOW
YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE, YOU GOT THAT,
YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE IS WHAT YOU
ARE.
>> MIKE, MIKE.
>> NO, HE'S AN ASSHOLE.
HE'S AN AMBULANCE-CHASING
ASSHOLE.
THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE.
LUMPY PILLOWS?
KISS MY ASS.
>> John: YOU KNOW, MY FAVORITE
THING ABOUT MIKE LINDELL IS THAT
HE'S THE RARE EXAMPLE OF HOW
RECOVERING FROM A CRACK
ADDICTION CAN ACTIVELY MAKE YOU
WORSE.
ALTHOUGH, FOR THE RECORD, MIKE,
IF THEY ARE NOT LUMPY PILLOWS,
HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THIS AMAZON
LISTING FOR YOUR PRODUCT,
FEATURING A VERY REAL EXCHANGE
IN WHICH ONE CUSTOMER ASKS
"SHOULD IT BE THIS LUMPY AND
FLAT?
I JUST GOT IT."
AND ANOTHER REPLIES "MINE WAS/IS
LUMPY."
OR THIS REVIEW TITLED, "IT IS A
BAG O' LUMPS."
OR THIS ONE TITLED "LUMPY," WITH
WE ALSO MISSED A BCH OF
INTERNATIONAL NEWS, LIKE THE
CORONATION OF KING CHARLES, THE
WORLD'S OLDEST BOY, DURING WHICH
HE SAID "I COME NOT TO BE
SERVED, BUT TO SERVE."
ALTHOUGH HE CLEARLY DIDN'T MEAN
THAT IN THE SENSE OF
"SERVING LOOKS," GIVEN THAT THIS
IS HIS OFFICIAL CORONATION
PORTRAIT, IN WHICH HE SEEMS TO
BE AIMING FOR "SUCCESSFUL PIMP"
BUT ENDS UP LOOKING LIKE SOMEONE
WEARING A SET OF TACKY DRAPES
OVER A LAKERS JERSEY.
ALSO, TURKEY HAD AN ELECTION,
WHICH ERDOGAN NARROWLY WON.
AND, FOR ABOUT A DAY AND A HALF,
IT SEEMED LIKE THERE GENUINELY
MIGHT BE A COUP IN RUSSIA, WHICH
ENDED WITH ITS LEADER,
YEVGENY PRIGOZHIN, ACCEPTING A
WEIRD DEAL BROKERED BY THE
BELARUSSIAN PRESIDENT, AND THEN
DYING IN THE MOST PREDICTABLE
PLANE CRASH OF ALL TIME.
AND ON TOP OF ALL OF THAT, CHINA
WAS SHAKEN TO THE CORE BY THIS
CONTROVERSY:
>> IT'S BIZARRE VIDEO OF A
SPECIES KNOWN AS A SUN BEAR
THAT'S LEADING EVERYONE TO ASK,
"IS THAT REALLY A BEAR OR JUST A
GUY IN A BEAR SUIT?"
THE CREATURE, NAMED "ANGELA,"
STANDS UPRIGHT JUST LIKE A
HUMAN, AND ARE THOSE WRINKLES?
IT SURE GIVES THE IMPRESSION
THAT IT'S A DUDE IN AN
ILL-FITTING BEAR COSTUME.
AND JUST LOOK AT THE WAY SHE
WAVES.
NOW CHINESE ZOO AUTHORITIES ARE
SETTLING THE MYSTERY, DECLARING,
"ANGELA IS DEFINITELY NOT A
HUMAN."
>> John: HEY!
HEY!
EVERYONE!
LEAVE ANGELA ALONE!
STOP TALKING ABOUT HER AWKWARD
WAVE AND WRINKLY BOTTOM.
AND I'LL TELL YOU WHY I'M SO
PERSONALLY INVESTED IN THIS --
SOME OF US NEVER GET TO SEE OUR
EXACT BODY TYPE ON SCREEN, AND
FINALLY I GET WHY REPRESENTATION
MATTERS.
AND SPEAKING OF REPRESENTATIONS
OF ME SPECIFICALLY, BACK IN
JUNE, AFTER REDDIT ANNOUNCED A
NEW POLICY TO CHARGE THIRD-PARTY
APPS FOR ACCESSING ITS DATA,
MANY OF ITS MEMBERS ENGAGED IN A
STRIKING PROTEST.
>> SOME OF THE BIGGEST FORUMS ON
REDDIT ARE BEING FLOODED WITH
PHOTOS OF COMEDIAN JOHN OLIVER.
THIS IS ALL TAKING PLACE OVER A
PROTEST TO CHANGES ON HOW THE
WEBSITE IS BEING RUN.
TWO OF THE MOST POPULAR
SO-CALLED SUBREDDITS HAVE
DECIDED TO POST NOTHING BUT
PHOTOS OF OLIVER.
>> John: IT'S TRUE.
FOR WEEKS, IMAGES OF ME WERE
USED AS A FORM OF PROTEST ON
SOME OF THE MOST POPULAR
SUBREDDITS.
AND TO THEIR CREDIT, THEY USED
SOME PRETTY GOOD ONES, LIKE THIS
ONE OF ME AS A MUPPET,
THIS ONE OF ME AS A BLOBFISH,
THIS ONE OF ME APPEARING IN A
PIECE OF TOAST,
AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE,
THIS ONE LABELED
"JOHN OLIVER WICK,"
WHICH IS A PRETTY GOOD WAY OF
SHOWING YOU EXACTLY WHAT
IT WOULD LOOK LIKE IF
PROFESSOR SNAPE EVER COMMITTED
ARMED ROBBERY.
IT WAS A PRETTY INSPIRING ACT OF
MALICIOUS COMPLIANCE, BUT JUST
WATCH AS TRYING TO EXPLAIN IT
SEEMED TO BREAK THE BRAINS OF
THAT LOCAL NEWS TEAM.
>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS --
SO ARE THEY FOR JOHN OLIVER?
>> I ACTUALLY --
>> OR AGAINST HIM?
>> I -- I THINK THIS IS JUST
PART OF THEIR-THEIR PROTEST.
>> SO WE'RE GOING TO PUT UP
SOMETHING THAT'S BORING, THAT
NOBODY'S GOING TO CARE ABOUT.
>> SILLY.
>> IS THAT RIGHT?
>> WELL, THIS SAYS -- MODERATORS
OF A CERTAIN SUBREDDIT SAY THAT
THEY'RE ONLY ALLOWING USERS TO
POST PICTURES OF JOHN OLIVER
"LOOKING SEXY."
AND IN FACT --
[LAUGHS]
ANY PICTURE OF THE COMEDIAN WAS
ALLOWED BECAUSE JOHN OLIVER IS
ALWAYS SEXY.
SO YOU'RE SAYING BORING --
ACCORDING TO THE REDDIT USERS,
THEY'RE DOING IT 'CAUSE
HE'S SEXY.
I DON'T KNOW!
THIS IS ACCORDING TO THIS
ARTICLE.
>> John: OKAY, PUTTING MY
FEELINGS ASIDE -- WHICH THEY
CERTAINLY DID THERE -- WHY DOES
IT SEEM LIKE EVERYONE ON THAT
SHOW IS COMPLETELY UNPREPARED?
THIS GUY IS CONFUSED BY THE
STORY ENTIRELY, AND SHE'S
GOOGLING IT LIVE ON AIR.
IT LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE HOSTING AN
IMPROV SHOW WHERE THE AUDIENCE
GAVE THEM THE WORDS "REDDIT,"
"SEXY," AND "JOHN OLIVER," AND
THEY HAD TO BUILD A SCENE AROUND
THAT.
OH, YOU KNOW WHAT OTHER MAJOR
POP CULTURE NEWS WE MISSED?
BARBENHEIMER!
IT WAS ONE OF THE BIGGEST MOVIE
EVENTS OF THE SUMMER, ALONGSIDE
"SOUND OF FREEDOM," THE
FEEL-GOOD CHILD SEX TRAFFICKING
HIT WE'D ALL BEEN WAITING FOR.
ALTHOUGH I'D ARGUE, IF YOU'RE
LOOKING FOR THE SINGLE-BEST
MOVIE OF THE SUMMER, IT'S GOTTA
BE "COP SLIDE":
>> IT ALMOST HURTS TO WATCH.
A POLICE OFFICER IS TAKING A
QUICK BREAK, HEADING DOWN A
POPULAR SLIDE.
OUCH!
IT'S LIKE HE'S SHOT OUT OF A
CANNON.
HE HITS THE GROUND HARD.
>> John: YEAH.
YEAH, HE DOES HIT THE GROUND
HARD.
AND IT'S ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE.
FROM THE SOUND OF HIM THUNDERING
DOWN THE SLIDE, TO HIS COP TOYS
FLYING.
IT'S CINEMA AT ITS FINEST.
IT'S NOT THE FIRST, AND IT WON'T
BE THE LAST TIME THAT I SAY
THIS, BUT "I WISH COPS TURNED ON
THEIR BODY CAMS MORE."
BECAUSE I'D LOVE TO HAVE SEEN
THAT FROM INSIDE THE SLIDE AS
WELL.
"COP SLIDE" TOOK THE INTERNET BY
STORM, INSPIRING MEMES AND
REMIXES, MY FAVORITE OF WHICH
WAS THIS:
>> ♪ PAIN STILL GROWS ♪
♪ IT'S NO STRANGER TO YOU AND
ME ♪
ATTLING]
♪ I CAN FEEL IT COMING IN THE
AIR TONIGHT ♪
>> John: COME ON!
EAT YOUR HEART OUT,
"MIAMI VICE."
THAT IS NOW THE ALL-TIME
GREATEST USE OF THAT SONG.
THE VIDEO WENT SO VIRAL,
"BOSTON COP SLIDE" IS NOW LISTED
ON GOOGLE MAPS.
AND BECAUSE IT'S IN BOSTON, IT'S
OF COURSE DOWN THE STREET FROM A
DUNKIN', AND ACROSS THE PLAZA
FROM ANOTHER DUNKIN', WHICH IS
NEXT TO ANOTHER DUNKIN', WHICH
IS ACROSS THE STREET FROM
ANOTHER FUCKING DUNKIN'.
THERE ARE FOUR DUNKIN'S WITHIN A
ONE-BLOCK RADIUS OF COP SLIDE.
AND IF YOU EXPAND IT A FEW
BLOCKS, THERE ARE 13 OF
THEM.
BOSTON, YOU TRULY ARE A
SELF-PARODY.
THE POINT IS, WE MISSED SO MANY
STORIES.
I HAVEN'T EVEN BROUGHT UP THE
TITAN SUBMERSIB!
YEAH, WE MISSED THAT TOO!
THAT WAS A WEIRD FEW DAYS,
WASN'T IT?
ALSO, THERE WAS A BATSHIT RAID
ON A NEWSPAPER IN KANSAS,
WILDFIRES IN MAUI, AND A
SPECTACULAR BRAWL AT A DOCK IN
MONTGOMERY WHERE SOME DRUNKEN
WHITE ASSHOLES GOT THEIR ASSES
AND A FOLDING CHAIR HANDED TO
THEM.
WE MISSED SO MUCH IT WOULD TAKE
A WHOLE NEW VERSION OF
BILLY JOEL'S "WE DIDN'T START
THE FIRE" TO COVER IT.
WHICH REMINDS OF SOMETHING ELSE
WE MISSED: FALLOUT BOY RELEASED
A NEW VERSION OF "WE DIDN'T
START THE FIRE" THAT ABSOLUTELY
NOBODY ASKED FOR, COVERING THE
LAST 34 YEARS.
AND IF YOU'RE WONDERING, "HOLD
ON, HOLD ON, 2001 WAS IN THE
LAST 34 YEARS.
THEY DIDN'T BRING UP THAT THING,
DID THEY?"
WELL, THE ANSWER IS, YES, THEY
VERY MUCH DID.
>> ♪ MARS ROVER, "AVATAR,"
SELF-DRIVING ELECTRIC CARS ♪
♪ SSRIs, PRINCE AND THE QUEEN
DIE ♪
♪ WORLD TRADE, SECOND PLANE ♪
♪ WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO SAY? ♪
>> John: WHAT ELSE DO YOU HAVE
TO SAY?
NOTHING, FALLOUT BOY!
NO ONE'S MAKING YOU DO THIS.
NESTLY, I DON'T KNOWHO
SHOULD BE MORE PISSED OFF ABOUT
THAT VERSE -- PRINCE,
JAMES CAMERON, OR THE
FIRST PLANE.
AND FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH,
"WE DIDN'T START THE FIRE" IS
THE LAST SONG ANYONE SHOULD
COVER FROM BILLY JOEL'S
DISCOGRAPHY.
EVEN IN ITS ORIGINAL FORM, IT'S
THE MUSICAL EQUIVALENT OF A
CHILD TELLING YOU EVERYTHING HE
LEARNED ABOUT AT SCHOOL THAT
DAY.
SLOW DOWN, BUT ALSO, I DON'T
CARE.
AND BEFORE ANY BILLY JOEL FANS
START GETTING ANGRY WITH ME,
THE MAN HIMSELF THINKS THE SONG
IS TERRIBLE.
HERE HE IS SHIT-TALKING IT IN
FRONT OF HIS OWN AUDIENCE.
>> IT'S THE SAME THING VERSE
AFTER VERSE.
JUST THE WORDS CHANGE.
♪ NA NA NA, NA NA NA, NA NA NA
NA NA NA NA ♪
ONE OF THE WORST MELODIES I EVER
WROTE.
>> John: EXACTLY.
I DIDN'T THINK I'D EVER SAY THIS
SENTENCE OUT LOUD AND MEAN IT,
BUT LISTEN TO BILLY JOEL,
FALLOUT BOY, HE'S GOT A GOOD
POINT.
AND LOOK, I'D HAVE LOVED TO HAVE
COVERED ALL OF THESE STORIES
BACK WHEN THEY ORIGINALLY
HAPPENED.
I WISH SO MUCH I COULD HAVE TOLD
YOU THESE JOKES AT THE TIME.
BUT I COULDN'T, BECAUSE OUR
WRITERS -- THE PEOPLE WHO WROTE
THOSE JOKES -- WERE FORCED TO
STRIKE FOR A FAIR CONTRACT FOR
THE LAST FIVE NTHS.
AND IT WAS AN IMMENSELY
DIFFICULT TIME, NOT JUST FOR
THEM, BUT FOR EVERYONE ELSE
WORKING ON THIS SHOW AND MANY
OTHERS WHO COULD NO LONGER DO
THEIR JOBS.
AND TO BE CLEAR, THIS STRIKE
HAPPENED FOR GOOD REASONS.
OUR INDUSTRY HAS SEEN ITS
WORKERS SEVERELY SQUEEZED IN
RECENT YEARS.
YOU'VE PROBABLY SEEN STORIES
ABOUT WRITERS AND ACTORS,
WHOSE WORK YOU MAY EVEN
RECOGNIZE, ROUTINELY NOT MAKING
ENOUGH TO QUALIFY FOR
HEALTH INSURANCE
OR AFFORD BASIC NEEDS.
SO THE WRITERS' GUILD WENT ON
STRIKE, AND THANKFULLY WON, BUT
IT TOOK A LOT OF SACRIFICES FROM
A LOT OF PEOPLE TO ACHIEVE THAT.
AND WHILE I'M HAPPY THAT THEY
EVENTUALLY GOT A FAIR DEAL, AND
IMMENSELY PROUD OF WHAT OUR
UNION ACCOMPLISHED, I'M ALSO
FURIOUS THAT IT TOOK THE STUDIOS
148 DAYS TO ACHIEVE A DEAL THEY
COULD'VE OFFERED ON DAY FUCKING
ONE.
BUT HOPEFULLY, THIS MAY
ENCOURAGE OTHERS -- FROM
AUTOWORKERS TO STARBUCKS
BARISTAS TO HEALTH CARE
PROVIDERS -- WHETHER THEY'RE IN
UNIONS OR WOULD LIKE TO BE --
TO FIND POWER IN EACH OTHER.
AND WITHIN OUR PARTICULAR
INDUSTRY, I REALLY HOPE THE
ACTORS' UNION AND IATSE, WHICH
REPRESENTS CREWS, WILL BE ABLE
TAKE WHAT THE WRITERS ACHIEVED
AND LEVERAGE IT TO WIN FAIR
CONTRACTS FOR THEMSELVES TOO.
BECAUSE THE TRUTH IS, IT TAKES
MANY PEOPLE, WORKING REALLY
HARD, TO MAKE FILM AND TV,
ALL OF WHOM DESERVE A PIECE OF
THE PIE.
AND FOR THE ACTORS IN
PARTICULAR, THEY CANNOT COME
BACK TO WORK SOON ENOUGH.
ESPECIALLY BECAUSE WE'VE NOW ALL
SEEN WHAT HAPPENS WHEN
NON-PROFESSIONALS ARE TRUSTED
WITH THE WRITTEN WORD.
>> I CAN'T WAIT TO HAVE YOUR
COCK IN MY MOUTH.
I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU THE
BLOWJOB OF YOUR LIFE THEN I WANT
YOU INSIDE OF ME.
>> John: EXACTLY.
AND NOW THIS.
>> Announcer: AND NOW,
LOCAL NEWS IS VERY EXCITED ABOUT
WHAT WEEK IT IS.
>> THE NATIONAL PARK SERVICE
HAS ANNOUNCED THE RETURN OF
"FAT BEAR WEEK."
>> THAT'S A REAL THING.
>> IT IS BACK, EVERYBODY.
THE CONTEST FOR THE FATTEST BEAR
IS HERE.
>> IT IS A CONTEST FOR CHUBBY
CHUNKERS HOPING TO ADVANCE TO
THE MAIN FAT BEAR WEEK.
>> WHICH IS THE FATTEST BEAR OUT
THERE?
>> MM, CHUBBY.
>> WHO HAS BEEN EATING THE MOST
FISHIES?
>> FAT BEAR WEEK.
>> OKAY.
>> LOOK AT THAT GUY.
>> LOOK AT THOSE CHUNKS, BIG
CHUNKY BEARS, BIGGIE SMALLS IS
THE ILLEST, LOOK AT THEM.
>> THEY ATE 20 BOXES OF DOUGHNUT
HOLES AND SIX PACKAGES OF
DOUGHNUTS.
>> GETTING READY FOR FAT BEAR
WEEK.
>> IT IS FAT BEAR WEEK.
>> I WONDER HOW THE BEARS FEEL
ABOUT BEING CALLED FAT?
>> I HAVE A HISTORY OF PICKING
THE BEAR THAT USUALLY WINS.
WE'VE GOT A TRADITION HERE, WE
LIKE TO PICK.
>> PICK ONE OUT.
WELL, POLICE IN MICHIGAN HELPED
SAVE AN 8-YEAR-OLD BOY AFTER HE
WAS ELECTROCUTED.
♪ ♪
>> John: MOVING ON.
OUR MAIN STORY TONIGHT CONCERNS
HEALTH CARE.
THE THING THAT "ER" WAS
ORIGINALLY ABOUT BEFORE, IN
LATER SEASONS, IT REALLY BECAME
MORE ABOUT SCENES LIKE THIS:
>> [SCREAMS]
>> John: WOW.
OBVIOUSLY A LOT GOING ON THERE.
NOT LEAST OF WHICH, IF YOU'RE
NOT FAMILIAR WITH THE
"ER"-NIVERSE, THIS GUY WAS
ALREADY LIVING WITH ONE ARM
BECAUSE HE LOST THE OTHER --
AND THIS IS TRUE --
IN A DIFFERENT HELICOPTER
ACCIDENT.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY,
HIT ME WITH A HELICOPTER ONCE,
SHAME ON YOU.
HIT ME WITH A HELICOPTER TWICE,
YOU MUST BE IN SOME LATE-STAGE
POST-CLOONEY "ER" SEASONS.
SPECIFICALLY, TONIGHT'S STORY IS
ABOUT THE HEALTHCARE CURRENTLY
OFFERED IN JAILS AND PRISONS.
THAT'S RIGHT, AFTER FIVE LONG
MONTHS, WE'RE WELCOMING YOU BACK
WITH A STORY ABOUT PRISONER
HEALTHCARE, BECAUSE DEEP DOWN,
THIS IS WHO WE ARE.
AND I KNOW THAT, FOR SOME, THE
VERY CONCEPT OF INCARCERATED
PEOPLE GETTING MEDICALARE IS
SOMEHOW OFFENSIVE -- AS YOU CAN
TELL FROM THE FACT THAT, FOR
YEARS, THE SUBJECT'S BEEN FRAMED
ON TV LIKE THIS:
>> SPOKANE COUNTY TAXPAYERS ARE
PAYING THE BILL FOR ALLEGED
KILLERS, RAPISTS, AND
CHILD MOLESTERS TO SEE
DOCTORS, DENTISTS, AND
SPECIALISTS.
>> HAVE YOU EVER SEEN
A METH USER'S TEETH?
IT'S CALLED "METH MOUTH" AND
IT'S AWFUL.
>> KOAT ANCHOR TODD KURTZ SHOWS
YOU HOW ALL OF THAT DECAY IS
COSTING YOU MONEY AS JAILS AND
PRISONS ARE FORCED TO FIX THOSE
TEETH.
>> THERE IS A PLACE WHERE WE ARE
ALL GUARANTEED HEALTH CARE BY
LAW -- IT'S CALLED JAIL.
>> AND CRIMINALS KNOW THEIR WAY
AROUND THE SYSTEM AND LOOK FOR
CHANCES TO GET TREMENT ON THE
TAXPAYER'S DIME.
>> John: OKAY, IT IS JUST WILD
TO POINT OUT THAT THE ONLY PLACE
AMERICANS ARE GUARANTEED
HEALTHCARE IS JAIL AND SOMEHOW
MAKE IT SEEM LIKE THE PROBLEM IS
PRISONERS AND NOT OUR DEEPLY
BROKEN SYSTEM.
YOU CAN GET FREE DENTAL IS JAIL.
ARE YOU THINKING WHAT I'M
THINKING?
EXACTLY.
FUCK THAT GUY AND HIS TEETH!"
AND PUTTING ASIDE THE FACT THAT
NOT EVERYONE WHO'S INCARCERATED
IS EVEN GUILTY, IT'S WORTH
POINTING OUT THAT, ACCORDING TO
A RECENT STUDY, 100% OF
PRISONERS ARE ACTUALLY PEOPLE --
I MEAN LIKE "HUMAN BEINGS"
PEOPLE, LIKE THE KIND YOU ARE.
THEY HAVE HOPES AND SOULS AND
FARTS AND BRAINS.
AND IF THAT ISN'T ENOUGH, YOU
SHOULD KNOW THE CONSTITUTION
REQUIRES THAT WE PROVIDE
ADEQUATE HEALTHCARE TO ANYONE
BEHIND BARS.
IN 1976, THE SUPREME COURT RULED
THAT DENYING MEDICAL TREATMENT
TO PRISONERS CONSTITUTES
"CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT"
IN VIOLAON OF THE EIGHTH
AMENDMENT.
YET DESPITE ALL OF THAT, THE
QUALITY OF CARE PRISONERS
RECEIVE IS ABYSMAL.
INVESTIGATIONS IN STATE AFTER
STATE HAVE FOUND IT TO BE
WOEFULLY DEFICIENT.
AND A LAWSUIT AGAINST ARIZONA A
WHE BACK MADE SOME HORRIFYING
ALLEGATIONS.
>> IT ALLEGES THAT PRISONERS ARE
AT "SUBSTANTIAL RISK OF
PAIN, AMPUTATION, DISFIGUREMENT,
AND DEATH."
IT CITES EXAMPLES OF PRISONERS
BEING TOLD TO PRAY TO BE CURED
OR DRINK ENERGY SHAKES
TO TREAT CANCER SYMPTOMS.
>> John: OKAY, THAT IS BOTH
TERRIBLE ADVICE AND ALSO NOT
EVEN CLOSE TO BEING TRUE.
IF ENERGY DRINKS COULD TREAT
CANCER SYMPTOMS, YOU WOULD HAVE
HEARD ABOUT IT.
RED BULL WOULD MENTION IT IN ALL
OF THEIR ADS INSTEAD OF THEIR
CURRENT MARKETING COPY, WHICH
IS, "RED BULL, THERE'S NOTHING
WE CAN DO ABOUT THE TASTE, BUT
LET'S BE HONEST: YOU'RE 22 AND
HUNGOVER AND JUST NEED SOMETHING
TO GET YOU THROUGH YOUR SHIFT AT
RED LOBSTER AND YOU'RE STILL A
FEW YEARS AWAY FROM HAVING
COCAINE MONEY, SO JUST SHUT UP
AND PUT THIS POISON IN YOU."
AND THE THING IS, THE
CONSEQUENCES OF POOR CARE ARE
ONLY GOING TO GET MORE DIRE,
GIVEN OUR RAPIDLY AGING PRISON
POPULATION.
FROM 1999 TO 2015, THE NUMBER OF
PEOPLE 55 OR OLDER IN PRISON
INCREASED BY 264%.
AND WHY ARE WE CONFINING SO MANY
ELDERLY PEOPLE IN PRISONS WHEN
WE SHOULD CLEARLY BE PUTTING
THEM WHERE THEY BELONG:
ON "THE GOLDEN BACHELOR,"
TAKING FULL ADVANTAGE OF
MENOPAUSE AND FUCKING RAW.
I PRESUME THAT'S WHAT'S
SO GIVEN ALL THIS, TONIGHT,
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT PRISON
HEALTHRE -- WHO PROVIDES IT,
WHY IT'S SO BAD, AND HOW WE CAN
IMPROVE IT GOING FORWARD.
AND LET'S START WITH THE FACT
THAT, AT ONE POINT, STATES
THEMSELVES PROVIDED MEDICAL CARE
FOR THEIR JAILS AND PRISONS.
SOME STILL DO, IN FACT -- AND IN
MOST PLACES, IT'S GENERALLY BEEN
PRETTY BAD.
THAT "TREAT CANCER WITH PRAYER
AND ENERGY DRINKS" STORY IS FROM
WHEN ARIZONA RAN ITS OWN PRISON
HEALTHCARE.
BUT INCREASINGLY, STATES HAVE
STARTED CONTRACTING CARE OUT TO
PRIVATE COMPANIES.
AS OF 2018, MORE THAN HALF OF
ALL U.S. STATES HIRE PRIVATE
COMPANIES TO PROVIDE AT LEAST
SOME OF THEIR PRISON HEALTHCARE.
AND WHEN IT COMES TO OUR LARGEST
JAILS, THAT NUMBER IS MORE THAN
60%, ALL OF WHICH EXPLAINS WHY
THIS IS NOW A ROUGHLY $4 BILLION
INDUSTRY.
AND THE SELL COMPANIES MAKE IS
THAT THEY CAN TAILOR CARE TO THE
PARTICULAR NEEDS OF THE
INCARCERATED -- A POPULATION
THAT CAN HAVE HIGH RATES OF
SUBSTANCE ABUSAND MENTAL
ILESS, BOTH OF WHICH DO POSE
SPECIAL CHALLENGES.
JUST LISTEN TO THIS PROMO FOR
ADVANCED CORRECTIONAL
HEALTHCARE, WHICH SERVES
FACILITIES IN 21 STATES, AS IT
MAKES A VERY BIG PROMISE.
>> THE PURPOSE OF ADVANCED
CORRECTIONAL HEALTHCARE IS TO
SOLVE PROBLEMS FOR OUR PATIENTS
AND CLIENTS AND MAKE THEIR LIVES
EASIER.
IN FACT, OUR DATA INDICATES YOUR
DETAINEES WILL BE HEALTHIER IN
YOUR JAIL THAN THEY ARE WHEN
THEY GO TO THEIR OWN DOCTORS.
>> John: WELL, THAT DEFINITELY
DOESN'T IMMEDIATELY SEEM LIKE
BULLSHIT, DOES IT?
FROM THE FACT SHE'S CITING
"OUR DATA" TO THE FACT
THAT, WHEN YOU'RE GOOGLING FOR
"BEST DOCTORS NEAR ME," THE TOP
RESULT IS VERY RARELY "HAVE YOU
TRIED YOUR LOCAL JAIL?"
AND UNSURPRISINGLY, THE ROSY
PICTURE THAT PROMO PAINTS
DOESN'T REMOTELY LIVE UP TO
REALITY.
TAKE THIS STORY FROM A WISCONSIN
JAIL THAT USED THAT COMPANY'S
SERVICES.
>> SIX MONTHS AGO, 39-YEAR-OLD
DANTE WILSON WAS IN A WISCONSIN
JAIL FOR A CHILD SUPPORT
VIOLATION.
HE COMPLAINED OF CHEST PAINS.
THE JAIL NURSE CONCLUDED HE HAD
HEARTBURN AND GAVE HIM TWO TUMS.
LESS THAN AN HOUR LATER, WILSON
ASKED FOR HELP.
AGAIN, "RELAX" WAS THE
NURSE'S ADVICE.
SOON AFTER, WILSON DIED OF A
HEART ATTACK.
LATER...
>> [BLEEP] HAPPENS.
>> THE NURSE WAS FIRED.
>> John: GOOD!
SHE SHOULD'VE BEEN!
BECAUSE THAT IS THE SINGLE WORST
THING YOU CAN POSSIBLY SAY IN
RESPONSE TO SOMEONE DYING OF A
HEART ATTACK BECAUSE YOU SCREWED
UP.
AND WHILE I'M SURE SHE WAS UPSET
AT LOSING HER JOB, IF I SHARE A
QUOTE THAT IT SEEMS THERE'S
SIMPLY NO BAD TIME FOR,
"SHIT FUCKING HAPPENS."
AND AT THIS POINT, YOU WILL NOT
BE SURPRISED TO LEARN THAT IN
INTERNAL TRAININGS, ADVANCED
CORRECTIONAL HEALTHCARE SEEMED
TO SPEND AN UNNERVING AMOUNT OF
TIME TEACHING ITS EMPLOYEES WHAT
CONSTITUTES THE LEGAL BARE
MINIMUM OF CARE.
THAT ROUGH DRAFT JENNIFER GARNER
WAX FIGURE ONCE CONDUCTED A
VIDEO SEMINAR FOR STAFF TITLED
"A JAIL IS NOT A HEALTH SPA."
AND JUST WATCH HER EXPLAIN THE
IMPORTANCE OF AVOIDING
"DELIBERATE INDIFFERENCE" --
BASICALLY, NOT BLATANTLY
NEGLECTING TO TREAT PRISONERS --
BY USING THE WEIRDEST POSSIBLE
EXAMPLE.
>> SO, HOW DO WE DEFINE
"DELIBERATE INDIFFERENCE" NOW?
YOU MUST KNOW OF AND DISREGARD
AN EXCESSIVE RISK TO INMATE
HEALTH OR SAFETY.
SOMETHING WHICH WOULD CAUSE THE
UNNECESSARY AND WANTON OR
MALICIOUS INFLICTION OF PAIN.
A FEW YEARS BACK, THERE WAS AN
NBA PLAYER WHO WAS ARRESTED FOR
SHOOTING A GUN INTO THE AIR FIVE
TIMES OUTSIDE OF A STRIP CLUB.
THAT IS CRIMINAL RECKLESSNESS.
THAT IS CONSCIOUSLY DISREGARDING
A SUBSTANTIAL RISK OF HARM.
A STRAY BULLET COULD HAVE HIT A
STRIPPER.
>> John: OKAY.
THAT IS DEFINITELY AN EXAMPLE.
ALTHOUGH, TO BE HONEST, IT ONLY
REALLY MAKES SENSE IF SHE
EXPLAINS EVERY LEGAL CONCEPT
LIKE THAT.
ABDUCTION?
A STRIPPER GETS KIDNAPPED.
BANKRUPTCY?
A STRIPPER STOPS STRIPPING.
ESCROW?
A STRIPPER BUYS A HOUSE BUT
ENLISTS A THIRD PARTY TO
TEMPORARILY HOLD ASSETS UNTIL
THE DEAL IS FINALIZED.
NOW, YOU SHOULD KNOW, THAT WOMAN
WAS THE COMPANY'S SENIOR
COUNSEL.
AND I'M HAPPY TO ANNOUNCE THAT
SHE IS NO LONGER IN THAT ROLE.
BUT THAT'S ONLY BECAUSE SHE'S
NOW THE PRESIDENT OF THE WHOLE
MOTHERFUCKING COMPANY, Y'ALL!
[GUNSHOTS]
WHOO!
BUT THE PROBLEM ISN'T JUST WITH
THIS ONE COMPANY.
IT'S WITH THE WHOLE INDUSTRY.
A REVIEW OF 500 JAILS FOUND
THOSE RELYING ON THE FIVE
LEADING CONTRACTORS HAD HIGHER
DEATH RATES THAN FACILITIES RUN
BY THE GOVERNMENT.
AND ONE OF THE KEY REASONS
COMPANIES SO OFTEN DELIVER
SUBSTANDARD CARE IS THAT THEY'RE
ACTIVELY INCENTIVIZED TO DUE TO
HOW THEY'RE PAID.
>> IT'S BASICALLY A FIXED DOLLAR
AMOUNT CONTRACT.
IT'S 16 DOLLARS AND CHANGE PER
PRISONER, AND THE CONTRACT
ASSUMES 34,000 PRISONERS.
SO IT'S BASICALLY, THIS IS HOW
MUCH WE'RE GIVING YOU.
AND THE MORE MONEY YOU SPEND ON
PROVIDING HEALTHCARE, THE LESS
PROFIT YOU MAKE.
>> John: RIGHT.
AND THAT IS A PRETTY OBVIOUS
INCENTIVE TO CUT CORNERS.
IF YOU GIVE YOUR BABYSITTER $100
AND SAY "WHATEVER YOU DON'T
SPEND ON DINNER YOU CAN KEEP,"
DON'T BE SURPRISED IF YOU COME
HOME TO A VERY HAPPY BABYSITTER
AND A BUNCH OF PISSED-OFF KIDS
EATING TOP RAMEN.
AND THAT PROFIT MOTIVE HAS LED
TO SOME PRETTY OUTRAGEOUS
POLICIES.
A RECENT COURT CASE AGAINST
WEXFORD, ONE OF THE COUNTRY'S
LARGEST PRISONER HEALTHCARE
PROVIDERS, REVEALED THAT FOR
YEARS IT HAD HAD A DE FACTO
"ONE GOOD EYE" POLICY, AS WHEN A
69-YEAR-OLD PRISONER GOT
CATARACTS IN BOTH EYES AND
WANTED THEM FIXED, THE PRISON
DOCTOR TOLD HER THAT SHE'D HAVE
TO MAKE A CHOICE.
WHICH EYE DID SHE WANT FIXED,
THE RIGHT ONE OR THE LEFT ONE?
WHICH IS CLEARLY AN IMPOSSIBLE
QUESTION.
IT'S LIKE SOMEONE ASKING WHICH
PROPERTY BROTHER YOU'D LIKE TO
KILL.
THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE RESPONSE TO
EITHER QUESTION IS, "BOTH.
WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME CHOOSE?"
BUT TO SHOW JUST HOW DANGEROUS
THESE COMPANIES CAN BE, LET'S
JUST LOOK AT ONE STATE, ARIZONA.
BACK IN 2009, IT ANNOUNCED A
PLAN TO SWITCH FROM STATE CARE
TO PRIVATE PROVIDERS.
AND THE INITIAL PITCH WAS THAT
THIS WOULD BE A COST-SAVING
MEASURE.
BUT AS THIS WOMAN EXPLAINS,
SOMETHING INTERESTING HAPPENED
FAIRLY EARLY ON.
>> THEY PUT OUT A REQUEST FOR
PROPOSALS, AN RFP, AND NOBODY
BID FOR IT BECAUSE NOBODY COULD
DO IT FOR LESS THAN WHAT THE
STATE WAS SPENDING, BECAUSE THE
STATE WASN'T SPENDING VERY MUCH
AS IT IS.
A COUPLE YEARS LATER, THE
LEGISLATURE CAME BACK AND
SAID, "UH, WE'RE GONNA AMEND
THAT PRIOR LAW.
REMEMBER WHERE WE SAID IT HAS TO
BE LESS?
IT'S OKAY.
IT CAN COST MORE."
>> John: OOH, IT CAN, CAN IT?
SO YOU DEMANDED A COMPETITIVE
BID, AND WHEN NO ONE RESPONDED,
YOU ROLLED OVER AND GAVE UP
ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING.
IT'S A SHREWD TACTIC FROM THE
FAMOUS BOOK ON NEGOTIATING,
"THIS IS WHERE I'M SOFTEST AND
OTHER BUSINESS IDEAS
BY A TIMID PUPPY."
BUT SINCE THEN, IT HAS BEEN A
NIGHTMARE, AS ARIZONA HAS
CYCLED THROUGH CONTRACTORS.
THEY STARTED WITH WEXFORD,
THE "ONE GOOD EYE" PEOPLE.
BUT AS THINGS DIDN'T IMPROVE,
LESS THAN A YEAR LATER, THEY
SWITCHED TO A COMPANY CALLED
CORIZON.
BUT ALMOST IMMEDIATELY, HEINOUS
STORIES STARTED EMERGING ABOUT
THE CARE THEY WERE PROVIDING
TOO, INCLUDING ONE WE'VE
ACTUALLY SHOWN YOU BEFORE, ABOUT
A WOMAN WHO GAVE BIRTH BEHIND
BARS AND WHOSE C-SECTION WOUND
HAD NOT FULLY HEALED.
AND I'LL LET HER MOTHER PICK UP
THE STORY FROM THERE.
>> THEY DECIDED SHE HAD BEEN
THERE LONG ENOUGH THAT SHE COULD
GO BACK TO HER YARD.
BUT IT WAS STILL OPEN A LITTLE
BIT.
AND SO THEY DECIDED THAT, UM,
THE BEST THING TO DO FOR THIS
WOULD BE TO PACK IT WITH KITCHEN
SUGAR.
>> SUGAR?
>> SUGAR.
AND, WE'RE TALKING SUGAR THAT
YOU GET FROM -- 'CAUSE THEY
DONATE IT, FROM McDONALD'S, FROM
BURGER KING.
YOU KNOW, THEY'RE STANDING THERE
RIPPING OPEN THESE LITTLE PACKS
OF SUGAR AND FILLING THAT WOUND.
PACKING IT IN WITH WHAT'S LEFT,
AND --
>> WITH SUGAR FROM A FAST FOOD
RESTAURANT.
>> YES.
>> John: OKAY.
LET ME BE CLEAR: I'M NOT A
DOCTOR -- ALTHOUGH IF YOU PUT ME
IN A LAB COAT, I DO THINK I
COULD GET AWAY WITH IT FOR
TWO TO SIX WEEKS.
I HAVE AN ACCENT AND KNOW HOW TO
SAY "SUBDURAL HEMATOMA" --
I'M BASICALLY HALFWAY THERE
ALREADY.
BUT IF I HAD TO PICK THE WORST
POSSIBLE THING FOR A PERSON
RECOVERING FROM THE TRAUMA OF
CHILDBIRTH, IT'D PROBABLY BE
INJECTING McDONALD'S SUGAR
STRAIGHT INTO YOUR BLOODSTREAM.
AND THE STATE LAWMAKER WHO
SPEARHEADED THE MOVE TO TAKE
ARIZONA'S PRISON HEALTHCARE
PRIVATE, JOHN KAVANAGH, DIDN'T
DISPLAY A GREAT DEAL OF EMPATHY
WHEN CONFRONTED WITH THAT STORY.
>> THAT SOUNDS RIDICULOUS.
YOU KNOW, PRISONERS HAVE, YOU
KNOW, 24/7 TO THINK UP
ALLEGATIONS AND WRITE LETTERS.
I'M NOT SAYING THAT SOME OF THEM
CAN'T HAVE A BASIS IN FACT, BUT
YOU GOTTA TAKE THEM WITH A GRAIN
OF SALT, OR IN THE CASE OF THE
HOSPITAL, MAYBE A GRAIN OF
SUGAR.
>> John: OH, I GET IT!
A JOKE!
PRISON GEPPETTO HERE IS HAVING
SOME FUN WITH WORDS.
AND I'M SURE THAT PRISONER'S
SIDES WERE SPLITTING.
LESS FROM LAUGHTER, THOUGH, AND
MORE FROM THE OPEN WOUNDS THAT,
THANKS TO HIM, SHE'D HAD FILLED
WITH FUCKING SUGAR.
AND THAT'S JUST ONE OF MANY
STORIES OF CORIZON PROVIDING
ABYSMAL CARE, SEEMINGLY IN ORDER
TO CUT COSTS.
NOT ONLY WERE THEY REPEATEDLY
ACCUSED OF REFUSING TO PAY
SPECIALISTS, CAUSING HOSPITALS
TO HAVE TO SEND EMAILS LIKE THIS
ONE, IN WHICH THEY LITERALLY BEG
FOR PAYMENT.
BUT WHEN A CORIZON DOCTOR WAS
DEALING WITH A PRISONER WHO'D
HAD MULTIPLE SEIZURES AND
SUGGESTED SENDING HIM OUT FOR AN
EXAM, SHE WAS TOLD THAT WAS NOT
GOING TO HAPPEN, BUT THAT THEY'D
"ORDER A HELMET FOR HIM TO
PROTECT HIS HEAD INSTEAD."
AND WHILE IT IS CLEARLY NOT THE
MOST IMPORTANT THING, WE TRACKED
THAT DOCTOR DOWN TO ASK IF THEY
EVER GOT THAT HELMET FOR HIM,
AND YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT THE
ANSWER WAS, UNLESS YOUR GUESS IS
"NO," IN WHICH CASE, YOU'RE
ABSOLUTELY FUCKING RIGHT.
AND ALL OF THIS LED TO HORRIFIC
CONSEQUENCES, LIKE THIS MAN,
WHO HAD JUST TEN MONTHS LEFT ON
HIS SENTENCE FOR VEHICLE THEFT
WHEN HE COMPLAINED OF BACK PAIN.
FOUR MONTHS LATER, HE FINALLY
GOT X-RAYS DONE WHICH SHOWED
SIGNS OF CANCER -- BUT EVEN
THEN, CORIZON DRAGGED ITS FEET.
>> THEY WOULDN'T DO AN MRI.
THEY KEPT DENYING AN MRI,
DENYING AN MRI.
>> IN MAY, CT SCANS WERE ORDERED
TO SEE IF VOCKE HAD CANCER, BUT
CORIZON DENIED IT.
FINALLY, AT THE END OF JULY
2013, A CT SCAN WAS PERFORMED.
IT CONFIRMED VOCKE HAD CANCER.
MEDICAL RECORDS SHOW THERE WAS A
LENGTHY DELAY IN TREATING
VOCKE.
>> AND IT WAS KIDNEY CANCER THAT
COULD HAVE BEEN 95% SURVIVABLE.
AND NOW THEY'RE SAYING THAT I
CAN'T SURVIVE IT WHATSOEVER.
>> VOCKE WAS GRANTED MEDICAL
PAROLE SO HE CAN DIE SURROUNDED
BY FAMILY.
>> John: THAT IS A TRAGEDY.
JUST TEN MONTHS LEFT ON HIS
SENTENCE, SHOWING CLEAR SIGNS OF
CANCER, AND NOTHING WAS DONE.
AND AGAIN, HE WAS IN THERE FOR
VEHICLE THEFT.
THE PUNISHMENT FOR THAT IS
CLEARLY NOT DEATH, BUT UNDER A
SYSTEM THIS CRUEL, IT CAN TURN
OUT TO BE.
AND THIS WAS ALL PART OF A
CONSISTENT PATTERN.
THE STATE'S OWN RECORDS SHOWED
THAT CORIZON HAD DELAYED
DELIVERY OF MEDICAL CARE 16,000
TIMES IN JUST ONE EIGHT-MONTH
PERIOD.
IT GOT SO BAD, ARIZONA WAS
ACTUALLY FORCED TO PAY FINES FOR
THE SUBSTANDARD CARE PRISONERS
RECEIVED EVEN AS, MYSTIFYINGLY,
IT CONTINUED TO PAY MORE THAN
$2.5 MILLION IN PERFORMANCE
BONUSES TO CORIZON'S EXECUTIVES.
BUT EVENTUALLY ENOUGH WAS
ENOUGH, AND THE STATE GOT RID OF
CORIZON.
THE COMPANY -- FUN FACT -- HAS
SINCE DECLARED BANKRUPTCY, BUT
REBRANDED AS "YESCARE," WHICH IS
A BOLD NAME CHOICE FOR THAT
COMPANY.
IT'S LIKE APPLEBEES CALLING
ITSELF "WON'T MAKE YOU POOP
WEIRD!"
TO PUT IT MILDLY, YOUR NAME
IS A LITTLE MISLEADING.
ANYWAY, ARIZONA REPLACED CORIZON
WITH A COMPANY CALLED CENTURION.
BUT THE SITUATION STILL DIDN'T
IMPROVE.
IN FACT, LAST JUNE, A
JUDGE RULED THAT FOR YEARS,
ACROSS MULTIPLE PROVIDERS, THE
STATE HAD SHOWN "THE MOST
CALLOUS AND INHUMANE
INDIFFERENCE," SAYING "NO
LEGITIMATE HUMANE SYSTEM WOULD
OPERATE IN THIS MANNER."
NOW, SINCE THAT RULING, THE
STATE'S CONTRACTED OUT TO YET
ANOTHER NEW PROVIDER, THIS ONE
CALLED NAPHCARE, WHICH ITSELF IS
FIGHTING ACCUSATIONS OF FORCIBLY
INDUCING PREGNANT PRISONERS INTO
LABOR AGAINST THEIR WILL.
AND THAT'S THE THING -- IN SO
MANY PLACES, STATES END UP JUST
ROTATING AMONG A SMALL HANDFUL
OF AWFUL PROVIDERS.
PRISONS IN FLORIDA WENT FROM
CORIZON, TO WEXFORD, TO
CENTURION.
ALABAMA WENT FROM CORIZON TO
WEXFORD, TO YESCARE, WHICH,
YOU'LL REMEMBER, IS BASICALLY
JUST CORIZON REBRANDED.
SO STATES CHOOSE HEALTHCARE
PROVIDERS LIKE OLD MARRIED
COUPLES CHOOSE SEXUAL POSITIONS:
BY CYCLING THROUGH AN EXTREMELY
LIMITED NUMBER OF OPTIONS, NONE
OF WHICH REALLY GET THE JOB DONE
IN A SATISFYING WAY.
AND THE OPTIONS CAN BE SO
LIMITED THAT, EVEN WHEN PUBLIC
OFFICIALS DO TRY TO DO THE RIGHT
THING AND DEMAND ACTION, THEY
CAN OFTEN FIND THEMSELVES STUCK.
TAKE WHAT HAPPENED IN
FORSYTH COUNTY, NORTH CAROLINA.
IT HAD A CONTRACT WITH A COMPANY
CALLED CORRECT CARE SOLUTIONS TO
PROVIDE CARE IN ITS JAIL.
BUT AFTER A SERIES OF
CALAMITIES, INCLUDING TWO MEN
DYING IN THE SPACE OF JUST 24
DAYS, THIS COUNTY COMMISSIONER
DECIDED TO VOTE AGAINST RENEWING
THEIR CONTRACT, AND DID SO LIKE
THIS:
>> I CAN'T VOTE TO SUPPORT
CORRECT CARE FOR ANY CONTRACT.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T CARE ABOUT
THREE MILLION, THREE YEARS, OR
WHATEVER.
I WOULDN'T GIVE CORRECT --
CORRECT CARE SOLUTIONS $3,000
FOR THREE DAYS IF I HAD MY WAY.
SO I CAN'T SUPPORT IT.
>> John: THAT'S A PRETTY STRONG
"NO" FROM THAT MAN.
AND AS COMPLETELY JUSTIFIABLE
AS HIS RELUCTANCE TO RENEW
CORRECT CARE'S CONTRACT WAS, AS
THE COUNTY'S DEPUTY SHERIFF
POINTED OUT, THERE WAS A BIT OF
A PROBLEM.
>> THE ONLY THING I WILL
SAY, SIR, IS, WITH REGARD TO
THIS, THIS WAS -- CORRECT CARE
WAS THE ONLY VENDOR THAT BID.
>> John: IT'S TRUE.
THERE WAS NO OTHER OPTION.
SO THE WHOLE VOTE WAS BASICALLY
CEREMONIAL.
IT'D BE JUST AS EFFECTIVE TO
HOLD A VOTE ON THE QUESTION
"SHOULD IT BE SUMMER NOW?"
YES?
EVERYONE VOTES YES?
WELL, BAD NEWS, EVERYONE,
IT STILL ISN'T.
AND WHEN YOU PUT ALL THIS
TOGETHER, IT'S HARD TO ESCAPE
TWO CONCLUSIONS: THAT ALL THE
OPTIONS CURRENTLY ON THE TABLE
ARE BAD AND THAT THE REASON
THEY'RE ALLOWED TO BE SO BAD IS
BECAUSE OF WHO THIS CARE IS FOR.
AND I GET IT CAN BE DIFFICULT
FOR SOME TO CARE ABOUT ISSUES
AFFECTING PRISONERS.
AND I ALSO GET THEIR HEALTH CARE
MAY BE ESPECIALLY DIFFICULT TO
RALLY AROUND, AS SO MANY ON THE
OUTSIDE DON'T HAVE HEALTH CARE
THEMSELVES.
I KNOW ALL OF THIS.
BUT THE FACT REMAINS:
PRISONERS ARE PEOPLE.
100% OF THEM ARE, IN FACT.
AND THERE ARE SOME SOLUTIONS
HERE.
I'D ARGUE THE BARE MINIMUM WE
SHOULD DO IS TO STOP OUTSOURCING
PRISON HEALTHCARE TO PRIVATE
COMPANIES.
AS THE DIRECTOR OF THE NATIONAL
PRISON PROJECT AT THE ACLU PUTS
IT, "GOVERNMENT-RUN PRISON
HEALTH CARE IS OFTEN APPALLINGLY
DEFICIENT, BUT AT LEAST WHEN A
GOVERNMENT IS PROVIDING THE
SERVICE, THERE IS SOME MEASURE
OF OVERSIGHT."
AND IT SHOULD SAY SOMETHING
ABOUT JUST HOW BAD THINGS ARE
THAT WHAT ACTIVISTS ARE PUSHING
FOR HERE IS THE "APPALLINGLY
DEFICIENT" OPTION.
AND LOOK, OBVIOUSLY, THE PROBLEM
IS SO MUCH BIGGER THAN JUST
SHITTY CONTRACTORS.
IF THE ISSUE IS THAT PRISONS ARE
OVERWHELMED WITH TOO MANY
PATIENTS TO TAKE CARE OF,
MAYBE THERE SHOULD BE FEWER
PEOPLE IN THERE.
IF IT'S THAT THE PRISON
POPULATION IS GETTING OLDER
BECAUSE OF THE INCREDIBLY LONG
SENTENCES WE'VE IMPOSED UPON
PEOPLE, MAYBE WE SHOULD CONSIDER
RELEASING THEM.
IF IT'S THAT TOO MANY OF THEM
ARE DEALING WITH ADDICTION AND
MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEMS,
MAYBE WE SHOULD BE EXAMINING
WHETHER PRISON IS THE BEST PLACE
TO TREAT THOSE CONDITIONS.
BECAUSE THE THING IS, IT'S
IMPOSSIBLE TO SEPARATE THIS
ISSUE FROM THE MUCH LARGER
CONVERSATIONS ABOUT UNIVERSAL
HEALTHCARE AND PRISON ABOLITION.
LIKE SO MANY STORIES THAT WE
COVER, THIS ONE ENDS AT THE
PERPETUAL ELEPHANTS IN THE ROOM,
THAT THE U.S. DOESN'T GUARANTEE
ANY OF ITS CITIZENS THE DIGNITY
OF GOOD HEALTHCARE, AND PUTS TOO
MANY OF ITS PEOPLE IN CAGES --
CAGES WHERE MANY WILL NEEDLESSLY
DIE.
AND YOU CAN TAKE THAT WITH ALL
THE GRAINS OF SUGAR IN THE
WORLD, BUT IT SHOULD STILL BE
ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE TO
SWALLOW.
AND NOW THIS.
>> Announcer: AND NOW,
FALL IS HERE AND SO IS
SOMETHING ELSE.
>> A BIG MILESTONE FOR A
FAVORITE FALL DRINK THAT HELPED
START A YEARLY TREND.
THE STARBUCKS PUMPKIN SPICE
LATTE IS NOW 20 YEARS OLD.
>> 20 YEARS!
BUT AN INSTANT IN THE
BILLION-YEAR BURNING!
>> SPEAKING OF DELICIOUS, THE
LOVE AND APPRECIATION OF THE
PUBLIC SPACE IS AT AN ALL-TIME
HIGH.
AS WE DRINK AND EAT EVERYTHING
PUMPKIN, THE QUESTION IS BEING
RAISED, ARE AMERICANS ADDICTED?
>> YES!
WE ARE ADDICTED!
WE ARE POWERLESS WORMS!
DESIRE FOR YOUR WHIMSICAL FALL
FLAVORS!
>> HAD A PUMPKIN SPICE LATTE
YESTERDAY.
>> NO, YOU DIDN'T.
>> I HAD TO.
>> YOU HAVE TO!
WE ARE MERE PUPPETS AGAINST
THE PROPRIETARY BLEND OF SPICES
SO POWERFUL.
>> I HAD A PSL PHASE.
>> YEAH?
>> BUT THEN I PSLed OUT.
>> YEAH.
>> MAYBE, LIKE, ONE A SEASON.
NOT ALL THE TIME.
>> YES!
ALL THE TIME!
THE BLOOD OF THE PUMPKIN.
>> 35%, ACCORDING TO MORNING
CONSULTS, SAY THEY WANT PUMPKIN
SPICE ALL YEAR.
>> THAT'S NOT TRUE.
>> IT IS TRUE, FRED!
THE THIRST FOR SPICE WILL NOT BE
DENIED, EVEN BY THE HOST OF THE
NATION'S SECOND MOST POPULAR
MORNING SHOW!
>> DESPITE THE DRINK'S MASSIVE
SUCCESS FOLLOWING ITS RELEASE,
THE COMPANY CONSIDERED
DISCONTINUING THE DRINK AT
ONE POINT TO KEEP THINGS NEW,
FRESH, AND NOT REPETITIVE.
>> NO!
IT CAN NEVER BE STOPPED!
ECHO INTO ETERNITY!
MORE, MORE, MORE, MORE!
[SCREAMS]
MORE!
>> John: THAT IS OUR SHOW,
THANKS SO MUCH FOR WATCHING.
IT IS SO, SO GOOD TO BE BACK.
WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
GOOD NIGHT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪
>> MORE!