♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> John: WELCOME, WELCOME,
WELCOME TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT!"
I'M JOHN OLIVER.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING
US.
IT HAS BEEN A BUSY WEEK.
ISRAEL CONTINUED TO REJECT CALLS
FOR EVEN A HUMANITARIAN PAUSE
UNTIL ITS HOSTAGES ARE RETURNED,
WHILE ITS RELENTLESS BOMBING OF
GAZA HIT BOTH A REFUGEE CAMP AND
AN AMBULANCE.
MEANWHILE HERE IN THE U.S.,
SAM BANKMAN-FRIED WAS FOUND
GUILTY ON SEVEN COUNTS OF FRAUD
AND CONSPIRACY, AND RON DESANTIS
CONTINUED TO BE DOGGED BY
ALLEGATIONS THAT HE WEARS LIFTS
IN HIS BOOTS, SOMETHING THAT
PROMPTED THIS ACTUAL POLITICO
HEADLINE, "3 EXPERT SHOEMAKERS
SAY RON DESANTIS IS PROBABLY
WEARING HEIGHT BOOSTERS," AND
DONALD TRUMP TO SHARE AN IMAGE
CAPTIONED "TELL ME HE'S NOT
WEARING HIDDEN HEELS."
WELL, THIS WEEK, DESANTIS
RESPONDED TO THAT WITH HIS
TRADEMARK WIT.
>> I KNOW DONALD TRUMP AND A LOT
OF HIS PEOPLE HAVE BEEN FOCUSING
ON THINGS LIKE FOOTWEAR.
I'LL TELL YOU THIS.
YOU KNOW, IF DONALD TRUMP CAN
SUMMON THE BALLS TO SHOW UP TO
THE DEBATE, I'LL WEAR A BOOT ON
MY HEAD.
THIS IS A TIME FOR SUBSTANCE.
>> John: WHAT?
OKAY, FIRST, YOU CAN'T CLAIM
IT'S A TIME FOR SUBSTANCE JUST
AFTER PROMISING TO WEAR A BOOT
ON YOUR HEAD.
BUT SECOND, YOU'RE SO BAD AT
THIS.
EVEN IF YOU WEREN'T RUNNING
AGAINST ONE OF THE WORLD'S
GREATEST BULLIES, IT LOOKS SO
PATHETIC THAT YOU THOUGHT THAT
WAS A GOOD COMEBACK.
NEVER BEFORE HAS A POLITICIAN
HAD SUCH "KID WITH THE ROLLING
BACKPACK, WEARING A TIE TO
CLASS" ENERGY.
AND LOOK, THERE'LL BE PLENTY OF
TIME TO TALK ABOUT THE 2024
ELECTIONS, IN 2024.
BUT WE'RE GOING TO DIVE STRAIGHT
IN TO OUR MAIN STORY TONIGHT,
WHICH CONCERNS THE ELECTIONS
HAPPENING AROUND THE COUNTRY IN
TWO DAYS.
THERE'S THE USUAL BARRAGE OF
NEGATIVE CAMPAIGN ADS HAPPENING
RIGHT NOW, PERHAPS NONE MORE
MEMORABLE THAN THIS ONE, IN A
PENNSYLVANIA D.A. RACE.
>> YOU'VE SEEN THOSE
MOTIVATIONAL SIGNS PEOPLE HAVE
IN THEIR OFFICES?
MATT DUGAN'S OFFICE HAD A SIGN,
TOO.
AS REPORTED BY KDKA ANNOUNCER,
IT READS: "[BLEEP] THE POLICE."
>> John: WOW.
THAT IS A STRIKING AD.
NOW, DUGAN'S PUSHED BACK ON
THAT, SAYING THAT'S NOT HIS
OFFICE, IT BELONGED TO A
DIFFERENT ATTORNEY.
BUT IF SO, I NOW WANT TO KNOW
EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM INSTEAD,
BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO BE THE ONLY
PERSON IN THE WORLD WHO HAS A
"FUCK THE POLICE" SIGN NEXT TO A
BOBBLEHEAD OF WHAT APPEARS TO BE
JAMES MADISON.
NOT JUST THAT, THAT'S NEXT TO A
STATUE OF AUDREY II FROM
"LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS," WHO IN
TURN IS NEXT TO A BOBBLEHEAD OF
TEDDY ROOSEVELT.
THOSE ARE NOT USUALLY SHARED
INTERESTS.
THAT FASCINATING INDIVIDUAL
CONTAINS MULTITUDES.
BUT WHILE SOME LOCAL RACES ARE
UNDERSTANDABLY FOCUSED ON "LIVE,
LAUGH, FUCK THE POLICE" OFFICE
SIGNAGE, MANY OTHERS WILL BE
FOCUSED ON REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS.
ABORTION IS A HUGE ISSUE IN THE
KENTUCKY GOVERNOR'S RACE, AND
THE RACE TO CONTROL VIRGINIA'S
STATE SENATE.
AND IN OHIO, THERE'S AN
AMENDMENT ON THE BALLOT TO
ENSHRINE THE RIGHT TO ABORTION
IN THE STATE CONSTITUTION.
SO TONIGHT, LET'S TALK ABOUT
ABORTION.
AS YOU KNOW, 16 MONTHS AGO, THE
SUPREME COURT'S DOBBS DECISION
OVERTURNED ROE V. WADE.
AND SINCE THEN IT MAY'VE BEEN
TEMPTING -- ESPECIALLY IF YOU
LIVE IN A STATE UNIMPACTED BY
THE DOBBS RULING -- TO AVOID
WATCHING THE FALLOUT FROM IT TOO
CLOSELY, KNOWING HOW DEPRESSING
IT'D BE.
AND I'LL BE HONEST, THINGS ARE
BLEAK.
BUT IT'S IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTAND
EXACTLY HOW BLEAK.
CURRENTLY, 14 STATES HAVE
ENACTED NEAR TOTAL ABORTION BANS
AND TWO HAVE IMPOSED SIX-WEEK
LIMITS.
AND THOSE BANS HAVE PROMPTED
MANY TO DESPERATELY TRY TO
MAINTAIN ABORTION ACCESS FOR
THOSE WHO NEED IT, AND SOMETIMES
IN TRULY IMAGINATIVE WAYS.
>> A CALIFORNIA DOCTOR IS
PROPOSING A FLOATING ABORTION
CLINIC AS A WAY TO BYPASS LAWS
IN SOME STATES THAT ARE
RESTRICTING THE PROCEDURE.
SHE SAYS THE CLINIC WOULD
OPERATE ON A BOAT FLOATING IN
FEDERAL WATERS JUST OFF THE GULF
OF MEXICO, SO TECHNICALLY MAKING
IT OUT OF REACH TO ANY STATE
LAWS HERE.
>> John: WOW, LAWLESS TERRITORY,
NO RULES, ANYTHING GOES.
IT'S NOT ONLY A FOOLPROOF PLAN,
IT'S ALSO THE PREMISE FOR THE
MOVIE "MONEY PLANE."
NO, YOU DIDN'T HALLUCINATE THAT
DURING PEAK COVID.
THERE REALLY WAS A FILM ABOUT A
CASINO IN THE SKY FULL OF
THIEVES, CARTELS, AND ARMS
DEALERS, WHO CAN NEVER BE
ARRESTED BECAUSE THE MONEY PLANE
IS ALWAYS MOVING IN
INTERNATIONAL AIRSPACE.
IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT, YOU
SHOULD FRANKLY STOP WATCHING
THIS SHOW RIGHT NOW, AND GO
WATCH THAT INSTEAD.
IF YOU POP AN EDIBLE
IMMEDIATELY, IT SHOULD START TO
KICK IN RIGHT AROUND WHEN YOU
MEET THE FILM'S VILLAIN, DARIUS
EMMANUEL GROUCH THE THIRD,
A.K.A. "THE RUMBLE," PLAYED BY
KELSEY GRAMMER, AND HE EXPLAINS
THE "MONEY PLANE" LIKE THIS.
>> WHATEVER YOU WANT TO WAGER
ON, THE "MONEY PLANE" HAS YOU
COVERED.
YOU WANNA BET ON A DUDE FUCKING
AN ALLIGATOR?
"MONEY PLANE."
>> John: YEAH.
FUCKING YES.
THAT MOVIE IS REAL.
IT'S THE "FRASIER" REBOOT WE
DESERVED.
ANYWAY, BACK TO ABORTION.
THE DOBBS DECISION CAUSED
IMMEDIATE CONFUSION AND PANIC.
ESPECIALLY IN STATES THAT HAD
"TRIGGER LAWS" ALREADY ON THE
BOOKS, WHICH KICKED IN ALMOST
IMMEDIATELY, CAUSING CHAOS FOR
BOTH PATIENTS AND ABORTION
PROVIDERS.
>> AS SOON AS WE HEARD THE
DECISION, WE CLOSED EVERYTHING
DOWN, LEAVING OVER 70 WOMEN IN
WISCONSIN WITH APPOINTMENTS THAT
WE WEREN'T ABLE TO DO FOR THEM.
>> I REMEMBER ASKING, "WHEN IS
THE LAW GONNA CHANGE?
HOW MUCH TIME DO WE HAVE TO GET
READY FOR IT?"
AND THEY STARTED TO TEXT BACK
AND SAY, "THE LAW HAS ACTUALLY
CHANGED RIGHT NOW."
>> YOU KNOW, WE CALLED PATIENTS,
IT'S, LIKE, I'M ALREADY ON MY
WAY.
AND THEY THOUGHT, WELL, I'M
ALREADY ON MY WAY.
IT'LL BE OKAY.
AND IT'S, LIKE, NO, IT'S
IMMEDIATE.
IT'S IMMEDIATE.
>> John: LOOK, SOMEONE CANCELING
PLANS WHEN YOU'RE ALREADY ON
YOUR WAY IS ANNOYING IN ANY
CIRCUMSTANCE, BUT IT'S DIFFERENT
WHEN THAT PLAN IS AN ABORTION.
IF DINNER PLANS FALL THROUGH,
THAT'S A BUMMER, BUT AT LEAST IT
WON'T END WITH SOMETHING
ALIEN-ING OUT OF YOUR BODY.
UNLESS, THAT IS, YOU RESCHEDULE
THAT DINNER TO LONG JOHN
SILVER'S.
NOW, THANKFULLY, ABORTION
REMAINS LEGAL IN MANY STATES, SO
AT LEAST THEORETICALLY, SOMEONE
NEEDING ONE CAN TRAVEL TO ONE OF
THOSE STATES INSTEAD.
BUT AS THIS DOCTOR POINTS OUT,
IN PRACTICE, THAT CAN BE
INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT.
>> WE HAVE SUCH INEQUALITY THAT,
FOR SOME, IT'S AS EASY AS, OKAY,
LET'S TAKE A WEEKEND TRIP TO
COLORADO TO GET YOUR ABORTION.
AND FOR SOMEONE ELSE, IT'S A
COMPLETELY LIFE-ALTERING THING
THAT YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER,
AND YOU'RE FORCED TO GIVE BIRTH.
THE TRAJECTORY OF THOSE TWO
PEOPLE'S LIVES ARE COMPLETELY
DIFFERENT.
>> John: IT'S TRUE.
FOR MANY, TRAVELING ACROSS STATE
LINES ISN'T FEASIBLE -- EVEN
BEFORE YOU CONSIDER THAT, IN
STATES WHERE ABORTION REMAINS
LEGAL, IT'S NOT LIKE THEY'VE HAD
A SUDDEN SURGE IN PROVIDERS TO
HANDLE OUT-OF-STATE PATIENTS.
SO THERE ARE NOW SIGNIFICANT
BACKLOGS, MEANING THAT WOMEN WHO
TRAVEL TO ANOTHER STATE MAY HAVE
MORE DIFFICULTY GETTING
APPOINTMENTS, AND IT MAY EVEN
BECOME HARD FOR THOSE LIVING IN
SOME STATES WHERE IT REMAINS
LEGAL.
WHICH CLEARLY ISN'T GREAT!
ABORTION ISN'T ONE OF THOSE
THINGS YOU CAN KEEP PUTTING OFF
INDEFINITELY, LIKE TAKING UP
POTTERY OR FIGURING OUT WHO
THESE GUYS ARE AND WHY THEY'RE
LIKE THAT.
I SAY THIS WITH ZERO MALICE, BY
THE WAY.
THEY SEEM VERY WHOLESOME.
I JUST DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND
WHAT THEIR WHOLE DEAL IS.
I AM GONNA GET AROUND TO IT, BUT
TO BE HONEST, IT'S NOT A
PRIORITY.
AND SOME ARE RESORTING TO
DRASTIC MEASURES.
LISTEN TO THIS WOMAN WHO DID
MANAGE TO GET ACROSS STATE LINES
TO NEW MEXICO FOR AN ABORTION,
DESCRIBE WHAT'S HAPPENED TO HER
FRIENDS WHO WEREN'T ABLE TO.
>> WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE IF
YOU COULDN'T COME TO NEW MEXICO
FOR AN ABORTION?
>> GOD, WHO KNOWS?
'CAUSE I WAS ALREADY ASKING
PEOPLE LIKE, HEY, WHAT COULD I
DO?
I'VE KNOWN SOME WOMEN TO JUST
KIND OF TAKE IT INTO THEIR OWN
HANDS AND DO, LIKE, THEIR OWN
ABORTION.
LIKE I HAD A FRIEND TELL ME SHE
DRANK A CAP OF BLEACH, YOU KNOW?
I HAD ANOTHER WOMAN TELL ME,
GIRL, LIKE JUST TAKE A WHOLE
BUNCH OF VITAMIN C.
>> John: LISTEN, THERE ARE A LOT
OF VERY GOOD SECRET TIPS THAT
WOMEN RIGHTLY SHARE WITH EACH
OTHER LIKE, "BANANAS ARE GOOD
FOR CRAMPS" OR "LIPSTICK WORKS
AS BLUSH IN A PINCH" OR "BLOCK
COACH BRETT FROM YOUR INSTAGRAM
STORIES."
BUT "DRINK BLEACH OR VITAMIN C
TO END A PREGNANCY" IS NOT ONE
OF THEM.
AND UNFORTUNATELY, DANGEROUS
MEASURES LIKE THOSE MAY NOW
BECOME MORE COMMON, AS
ANTI-ABORTION ACTIVISTS HAVE NO
INTENTION OF STOPPING THEIR PUSH
FOR RESTRICTIONS.
FOR EXAMPLE, THEY'RE ALSO GOING
AFTER MEDICATION ABORTIONS,
WHICH ARE ESTIMATED TO MAKE UP
HALF OF ALL ABORTIONS.
A LAWSUIT TO REVOKE THE FDA'S
APPROVAL OF MIFEPRISTONE -- ONE
OF TWO KEY DRUGS IN MEDICATION
ABORTIONS -- IS CURRENTLY
WORKING ITS WAY THROUGH THE
COURTS.
AND IF THAT WERE TO SUCCEED, IT
WOULDN'T JUST IMPACT STATES WITH
ABORTION BANS, IT WOULD AFFECT
ACCESS ACROSS THE ENTIRE
COUNTRY.
SO, ABORTION LAW IN AMERICA IS
CURRENTLY A COMPLETE
CLUSTERFUCK, WITH MANY CONFUSED,
AND OTHERS CONSIDERING DRINKING
BLEACH.
AND YET, THE PEOPLE WHO WROTE
AND PASSED THESE LAWS, LIKE THIS
TEXAS STATE LEGISLATOR, WILL
INSIST IT'S ALL WORTH IT, BASED
ON WHO, PRECISELY AND
EXCLUSIVELY, THEY PROTECT.
>> THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS AND
THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE WHO WOULD
HAVE CHOSEN TO HAVE AN ABORTION
NOW DON'T HAVE THAT CHOICE.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THOSE
PEOPLE?
>> THOSE ARE THOUSANDS AND
THOUSANDS OF LITTLE BABIES THAT
ARE NOW ALIVE.
WE ARE A VERY SAFE PLACE FOR
LITTLE BABIES.
>> WHAT ABOUT WOMEN?
>> WE ARE VERY SAFE SPACE FOR
LITTLE -- FOR WOMEN AS WELL.
>> John: OOPS, NEARLY SAID THE
QUIET PART OUT LOUD THERE,
DIDN'T WE?
ALSO, IT'S A PRETTY SAD STATE OF
AFFAIRS WHEN "BUT WHAT ABOUT
WOMEN?"
GENUINELY COUNTS AS A GOTCHA
QUESTION.
BECAUSE FOR THE RECORD: ABORTION
BANS ARE, OBJECTIVELY, NOT SAFE
FOR WOMEN, AND CAN NEEDLESSLY
PUT THEM THROUGH HELL.
TAKE WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS WOMAN
IN TEXAS, WHOSE ULTRASOUND NOT
ONLY REVEALED NO CHANCE OF
SURVIVAL FOR THE FETUS, BUT ALSO
POTENTIALLY LIFE THREATENING
COMPLICATIONS FOR HER.
>> KAILEE'S DOCTOR WAS CLEAR.
>> WHEN HE'S BORN, HE'S GOING TO
SUFFOCATE TO DEATH.
HE MAY LIVE FOR A FEW MINUTES,
HE MAY LIVE FOR AN HOUR, BUT
HE'S GOING TO DIE.
>> HER DOCTORS SAID THEY COULD
NOT PERFORM AN ABORTION, NOTING
IN HER RECORDS, "TERMINATION IS
NOT LEGAL IN THE STATE OF
TEXAS."
>> HOW COULD YOU BE SO CRUEL AS
TO PASS A LAW THAT YOU KNOW WILL
HURT WOMEN AND THAT YOU KNOW
WILL CAUSE BABIES TO BE BORN IN
PAIN?
HE WAS GOING TO DIE A PAINFUL
DEATH.
SO HOW IS THAT HUMANE?
HOW IS THAT SAVING ANYBODY?
>> THEY DESPERATELY WANT TO HAVE
ANOTHER BABY, BUT THERE'S A HIGH
LIKELIHOOD SOMETHING WILL GO
WRONG AGAIN.
>> THE LAST TIME I SAW MY OB,
SHE SAID, "DO NOT GET PREGNANT
IN TEXAS RIGHT NOW."
>> John: WOW.
THAT'S NOT ONLY DEVASTATING, IT
IS A TRULY HORRIBLE THING TO
HAVE TO ADD TO THE LIST OF
THINGS PREGNANT WOMEN ARE NOT
SAFE TO DO.
SO IT'S NOW OFFICIALLY: RIDE A
ROLLERCOASTER, EAT SUSHI, DYE
YOUR ROOTS, AND SIMPLY "EXIST IN
THE STATE OF TEXAS."
MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS ARE NOW
FINDING THEMSELVES CAUGHT IN THE
MIDDLE BETWEEN TRYING TO DO WHAT
THEY KNOW IS MEDICALLY RIGHT FOR
THEIR PATIENTS WHILE ALSO NOT
RUNNING AFOUL OF THE LAW, OR
HAVING THEIR LICENSE REVOKED.
ONE DOCTOR SAID HER COLLEAGUES
WERE SO UNSURE OF WHETHER OR NOT
THEY COULD LEGALLY RECOMMEND
THEIR PATIENTS SEEK ABORTIONS
ELSEWHERE THAT THEY RESORTED TO
SAYING THINGS LIKE "THE
WEATHER'S REALLY NICE IN NEW
MEXICO RIGHT NOW.
YOU SHOULD GO CHECK IT OUT."
OR, "I'VE HEARD TRAVELING TO
COLORADO IS REALLY NICE THIS
TIME OF YEAR."
WHICH ISN'T JUST ABSURD, I'M NOT
EVEN SURE THOSE ARE EFFECTIVE
HINTS.
NEW MEXICO AND COLORADO ARE TWO
OF THE MOST OBJECTIVELY
BEAUTIFUL STATES IN THE NATION.
THAT COULD JUST BE A NICE
VACATION TIP.
NOW, IF THE DOCTORS WERE
RECOMMENDING VISITING NEWARK OR
NEW JERSEY, OR SAYING, "I'VE
HEARD BUFFALO'S NICE THIS TIME
OF YEAR," THEN SURE, YOU'D KNOW
SOMETHING ELSE WAS CLEARLY BEING
COMMUNICATED.
AND WHILE YOU MIGHT THINK
DOCTORS FACING EMERGENCY
SITUATIONS SHOULD SIMPLY TAKE IT
UPON THEMSELVES TO QUIETLY
PERFORM ABORTIONS ANYWAY, AS
THIS OB-GYN POINTS OUT, IT'S
JUST NOT THAT SIMPLE.
>> SOME PEOPLE SAY, "WELL,
DOCTORS SHOULD JUST DO IT.
YOU SHOULD JUST GO TAKE THAT
PATIENT TO THE OR, AND DO THAT
ABORTION."
I DON'T KNOW OF ANY DOCTOR WHO
DOES AN ABORTION JUST BY
THEMSELVES.
IT REQUIRES AN ANESTHESIA TEAM,
A NURSING TEAM, SUPERVISING TEAM
TO GET YOU INTO THE OR.
SO, IN ORDER FOR SOMEBODY TO --
TO AGREE WITH ME AS I WANT TO
TAKE THAT PATIENT TO THE OR,
THERE'S LOTS OF OTHER PEOPLE WHO
ARE GOING TO WEIGH IN, TOO, AND
BE SCARED AND SAY, "NO, NO, WE
HAVE TO WAIT FOR LEGAL TO SIGN
OFF."
AND THAT'S WHEN PEOPLE DIE.
>> John: HOLY SHIT.
"WE HAVE TO WAIT FOR LEGAL TO
SIGN OFF" IS NOT SOMETHING YOU
WANT TO HEAR BEFORE RECEIVING
URGENT MEDICAL CARE.
THAT'S SOMETHING THAT WE SAY
WHEN WE WANT TO SHOW THIS PHOTO
WHILE SAYING THE SENTENCE, "SEX
CRIMES ARE BAD," OR PLAYFULLY
ACCUSE A COAL BARON OF BEING THE
ZODIAC KILLER.
I SHOULDN'T JOKE ABOUT THAT,
THOUGH.
I'M SURE BOB MURRAY IS PROBABLY
A LOT MORE SYMPATHETIC TO BLACK
LUNG VICTIMS NOW THAT HE'S
BURNING IN HELL.
BUT THE LARGER POINT REMAINS
THAT EVEN IF YOU DO HAVE ONE
DOCTOR WILLING TO BREAK THE LAW
AND ASSUME THE RISKS, YOU STILL
MIGHT NOT HAVE A WHOLE TEAM.
ABORTIONS ARE LIKE IMPROV.
EVERYONE INVOLVED HAS TO BE
FULLY ON BOARD.
AND IF JUST ONE PERSON DOESN'T
COMMIT, IT'S OVER.
ALSO, EVEN WHEN IT GOES WELL,
YOU'RE LIKE, "OKAY.
THAT WAS FINE.
CAN I GO HOME NOW?
PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME COME BACK
NEXT WEEK."
AND THE CRUSHING THING IS, THAT
DOCTOR ISN'T EVEN BEING OVERLY
CAUTIOUS THERE.
BECAUSE WHILE THESE LAWS DO HAVE
EXCEPTIONS IN INSTANCES WHERE
THE LIFE OF THE MOTHER IS IN
DANGER, THERE'S A HUGE
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN "LIFE" OF THE
MOTHER AND "HEALTH" OF THE
MOTHER.
ALL OF THESE STATES HAVE NEAR
TOTAL ABORTION BANS THAT DO NOT
MAKE EXCEPTIONS CONSIDERING THE
HEALTH OF THE MOTHER.
BUT EVEN IN STATES THAT DO HAVE
THOSE EXCEPTIONS, THEY'RE OFTEN
WRITTEN SO VAGUELY OR NARROWLY
THAT DOCTORS CAN BE UNSURE HOW
TO APPLY THEM.
TAKE TEXAS AGAIN, WHERE HEALTH
EXCEPTIONS ONLY APPLY FOR A FEW
HIGHLY SPECIFIC CONDITIONS.
SO DOCTORS ARE WAITING UNTIL A
PATIENT IS AT ACTUAL RISK OF
IMMINENT DEATH TO INTERVENE.
LISTEN TO THIS WOMAN DESCRIBE
WHAT SHE WENT THROUGH AFTER A
FATAL FETAL CONDITION WAS
DIAGNOSED DURING HER PREGNANCY.
>> I HAD TO WAIT UNTIL ONE OF
THREE THINGS HAPPENED.
EITHER HER HEART STOPPED
BEATING, I WENT INTO LABOR
NATURALLY, OR I BECAME SO SICK
THAT MY LIFE WAS IN DANGER.
AND AT THAT POINT, BECAUSE OF
THE LAWS, THE DOCTORS WOULD BE
ABLE TO INDUCE ME, AND WE COULD
BEGIN THE DELIVERY PROCESS.
I WAS FIRST DIAGNOSED ON
TUESDAY, AND IT TOOK UNTIL
FRIDAY FOR ONE OF THOSE THREE
THINGS TO OCCUR.
AND FOR ME, WHAT HAPPENED WAS, I
GOT REALLY, REALLY SICK, REALLY,
REALLY FAST.
OBVIOUSLY, WE LIVE IN THE MIDDLE
OF TEXAS, WHICH IS A GIANT
STATE.
SO, TO GET OUT OF TEXAS, AND TO
GET TO A NEIGHBORING STATE WHERE
WE COULD HAVE GOTTEN HEALTHCARE,
WE WOULD'VE EITHER HAD TO DRIVE
AT LEAST EIGHT HOURS OR FLY
SOMEWHERE.
>> John: OKAY, JUST SO WE'RE ALL
PERFECTLY CLEAR, WHEN WE SAY
THAT THESE LAWS TAKE AWAY
PEOPLE'S RIGHT TO CONTROL THEIR
OWN BODY.
THIS IS WHAT WE'RE TALKING
ABOUT.
SHE HAD TO WAIT FROM TUESDAY TO
FRIDAY TO GET CLOSE ENOUGH TO
DYING TO BE SAVED.
PREEMPTIVELY CHOOSING TO SAVE
HER OWN LIFE WAS ILLEGAL IN HER
STATE, A STATE THAT, REMEMBER,
THIS MAN SAYS IS SAFE FOR LITTLE
-- SORRY, FOR WOMEN.
AND WHEN YOU TAKE ALL OF THIS
INTO ACCOUNT, IT'S NO WONDER
THAT WOMEN IN STATES WITH
ABORTION BANS ARE NEARLY THREE
TIMES MORE LIKELY TO DIE DURING
PREGNANCY, CHILDBIRTH, OR SOON
AFTER.
AND THIS IS ONLY EXACERBATED FOR
PEOPLE OF COLOR, WHO ALREADY
FACED SIGNIFICANT DISPARITIES IN
MATERNAL AND INFANT HEALTH
BEFORE THE DOBBS DECISION.
AND AT THIS POINT, LET'S TALK
ABOUT WHO IS MAKING THESE LAWS.
BECAUSE THE RHETORIC AROUND THE
DOBBS DECISION WAS THAT IT
SIMPLY "RETURNED DECISIONS ON
ABORTION TO THE STATES."
WHICH IS A VERY NICE WAY TO SAY
IT WAS REMOVING DECISIONS FROM
INDIVIDUALS AND THEIR DOCTORS,
AND PLACE THEM IN THE HANDS OF
STATE LEGISLATORS.
AND THOSE POLITICIANS ARE NOW
LEGISLATING MEDICINE WITHOUT
EVEN A MODICUM OF MEDICAL
UNDERSTANDING.
WHICH IS UNDERSTANDABLY
INCREDIBLY FRUSTRATING FOR
PEOPLE LIKE THIS OB-GYN.
>> THERE'S THE FEELING THAT YOUR
EXPERTISE -- NO ONE CARES.
[LAUGHS]
NO ONE CARES.
WENT TO SCHOOL FOR 12 YEARS OF
MY LIFE, DONE THIS FOR 33 YEARS,
BUT THAT GUY FROM DOWN SOUTH IN
OKLAHOMA, HE'S NEVER PICKED UP A
MEDICAL TEXTBOOK IN HIS LIFE, HE
KNOWS ALL ABOUT IT.
I MEAN, THERE'S -- YOU
DEFINITELY FEEL NO ONE CARES
WHAT YOU THINK AS AN EXPERT.
NO ONE CARES.
>> John: RIGHT, AND I'D GIVE
LITERALLY ANYTHING FOR
LEGISLATORS IN OKLAHOMA TO HAVE
TO EXPLAIN THEIR REASONING TO
THIS DOCTOR, WHO LAUGHS LIKE A
WOMAN WHO HAS SPENT 45 YEARS OF
HER LIFE SMILING ON THE OUTSIDE
AND SAYING "GO FUCK YOURSELF" ON
THE INSIDE.
WHICH I DO REALIZE SOUNDS LIKE
THE TITLE OF A GUIDE TO BEING A
WOMAN IN AMERICA.
AND IT'S NOT JUST THAT THOSE
PUSHING THESE LAWS ARE
NON-EXPERTS -- THEY'RE ALSO
OVERWHELMINGLY BEING PUSHED BY
PEOPLE WHO CAN'T GET PREGNANT,
EITHER.
WHEN IT COMES TO THOSE SO-CALLED
"TRIGGER LAWS" THAT BANNED
ABORTION SO QUICKLY AFTER DOBBS,
84% OF THE LAWMAKERS WHO
SPONSORED THEM WERE MEN, AND
LOOK -- CLEARLY, THEY'RE THE KEY
PROBLEM HERE.
BUT LET'S ALSO TAKE A SECOND FOR
THE 16% OF LAWMAKERS WHO WERE
WOMEN.
BECAUSE IF YOU'RE A WOMAN VOTING
AGAINST ABORTION ACCESS, YOU ARE
-- AND I'M TOLD THAT THIS IS THE
MEANEST THING THIS VOICE IS
ALLOWED TO SAY -- NOT A GIRL'S
GIRL.
AND SOME OF THOSE MALE
LEGISLATORS TRULY DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT THEY WERE DOING -- AND
THAT'S BY THEIR OWN ADMISSION.
THIS IDAHO REPUBLICAN VOTED FOR
AN ABORTION BAN AND HAS SINCE
HAD SECOND THOUGHTS ABOUT HOW
BROAD IT REALLY IS.
BUT LISTEN TO HIM EXPLAIN JUST
HOW LITTLE THOUGHT HE PUT INTO
HIS ORIGINAL DECISION.
>> IT REALLY WASN'T UP HIGH ON
MY RADAR, OTHER THAN I'M A
PRO-LIFE GUY, AND I RAN THAT
WAY, BUT I DIDN'T SEE IT AS IT
HAD A REAL -- HAVING A REAL BIG
COMMUNITY IMPACT.
>> THEN HE STARTED TALKING WITH
LOCAL DOCTORS.
>> WHAT I'M WONDERING IS, FOR
YOU PERSONALLY, DID YOU THINK
ABOUT ABORTION AS IT RELATES TO
OBSTETRIC CARE FOR PREGNANT
WOMEN?
>> NO, I DON'T THINK I -- YOU
KNOW, IT'S LIKE ANYTHING.
YOU GET EXPOSED TO SOMETHING
AND, ALL OF A SUDDEN, YOU GO,
WOW, THERE'S A DIFFERENT WAY TO
LOOK AT THIS.
>> John: LOOK, PART OF ME WANTS
TO WELCOME THAT MAN'S ABILITY TO
RECOGNIZE HIS OWN BLIND SPOTS
THERE.
BUT ARE YOU REALLY SAYING YOU
DIDN'T THINK ABOUT HOW YOUR VOTE
WOULD AFFECT LITERALLY HALF OF
YOUR CONSTITUENTS?
YOU'RE A FUCKING LEGISLATOR.
THAT'S NOT A CUTE LITTLE OOPSIE.
IT'S NOT LIKE JOKING THAT
TIMOTHEE CHALAMET COULD PLAY A
YOUNG WILLY WONKA AND THE STUDIO
IMMEDIATELY GREENLIT IT AND NOW
YOU HAVE TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE
FUCK THAT MEANS.
THAT IS A DERELICTION OF DUTY.
SO, WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
WELL, FIRST, DO FEEL FREE TO
SCREAM -- INTO A PILLOW, WHEN
YOU'RE ON THE BUS, ON THE KISS
CAM AT A BASKETBALL GAME.
THERE'S NO INAPPROPRIATE TIME TO
BE SCREAMING ABOUT THIS.
BUT KNOW THAT WE CAN ALSO STILL
ACT HERE.
SOME HAVE TAKEN SOME SMALL STEPS
IN THE LAST YEAR THAT ARE, IF
NOTHING ELSE, IMMENSELY
SATISFYING -- LIKE THIS ONE,
THAT WAS COVERED BY A CATHOLIC
NEWS NETWORK.
>> AN INTERNATIONAL GROUP NAMED
AFTER SATAN WILL SOON OPEN ITS
FIRST ABORTION BUSINESS IN THE
UNITED STATES.
THE SATANIC TEMPLE, WHICH CLAIMS
TO "NOT BELIEVE IN A LITERAL
SATAN," WILL PROVIDE TELEHEALTH
SCREENINGS AND PRESCRIBE
ABORTION PILLS FOR PATIENTS IN
NEW MEXICO.
THE NAME OF THE SOON TO BE
FACILITY?
THE SAMUEL ALITO'S MOM'S SATANIC
ABORTION CLINIC.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> John: INCREDIBLE.
VERY WELL-PLAYED.
NOW, IS THAT GOING TO FIX
EVERYTHING?
OF COURSE NOT.
BUT WHEN IT COMES TO RESPONDING
TO SUCH WIDE-SPREADING
DEVASTATION, YOU COULD DO A LOT
WORSE THAN THE SINGLE BEST
"YOUR MOM" JOKE OF ALL TIME.
ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU ADD IN THAT
ONE OF THAT GROUP'S COFOUNDERS
EVEN SAID, IN 1950, SAMUEL
ALITO'S MOTHER DID NOT HAVE
OPTIONS, AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED.
BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR
YOU TO DO RIGHT NOW IS -- AND I
APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE FOR EVEN
SAYING THIS -- TO VOTE.
ABORTION RIGHTS ARE -- FOR ALL
THE ATTACKS ON THEM -- STILL
WIDELY POPULAR.
SIX STATES HAVE HAD
ABORTION-RELATED MEASURES ON THE
BALLOT SINCE DOBBS, AND IN ALL
SIX, VOTERS PRESERVED ACCESS TO
ABORTION.
AND THAT WAS EVEN TRUE IN RED
STATES LIKE MONTANA, KANSAS, AND
KENTUCKY.
THIS IS GENUINELY A CASE WHERE
VOTING CAN HAVE IMMEDIATE, AND
LASTING, EFFECT.
TO THAT END, AS I'VE MENTIONED,
THERE ARE SOME IMPORTANT
ELECTIONS ON TUESDAY WHERE IT'S
GOING TO BE CRUCIAL TO CONTINUE
THAT STREAK.
IF YOU LIVE IN VIRGINIA,
DEMOCRATS LOST THE HOUSE AND
GOVERNOR'S SEAT IN 2021, BUT
STILL CONTROL THE STATE SENATE.
AND ONLY BECAUSE OF THAT WERE
THEY ABLE, EARLIER THIS YEAR
THEY WERE ABLE TO STOP THREE
BILLS THAT WOULD HAVE RESTRICTED
ABORTION.
BUT IF THEY LOSE THE SENATE NEXT
WEEK, THAT WILL CLEARLY CHANGE.
MEANWHILE, IN KENTUCKY, THE
INCUMBENT GOVERNOR, ANDY BESHEAR
IS BEING CHALLENGED BY
CONSERVATIVE AG DANIEL CAMERON
-- WHO YOU MIGHT REMEMBER FROM
DISASTROUS HANDLING OF THE
BREONNA TAYLOR CASE.
HE'S ALSO SAID IN A
QUESTIONNAIRE CIRCULATED BY AN
ANTI-ABORTION GROUP THAT HE'D
SUPPORT CODIFYING PERSONHOOD
FROM THE MOMENT OF
FERTILIZATION, AND CRIMINALIZING
PROVIDERS WHO PERFORM ABORTIONS.
AND WHILE ALL THAT'S OBVIOUSLY
TERRIBLE -- HOW EXACTLY DOES HE
INTEND TO ENFORCE LIFE BEGINNING
"AT FERTILIZATION?"
DOES EVERYONE HAVE TO FUCK IN
FRONT OF HIM?
NO THANK YOU VERY MUCH, DANIEL!
THE ONLY KENTUCKIAN WHO SHOULD
ENJOY THAT PRIVILEGE IS THE
COLONEL.
AND NO, NOT THAT ONE -- I'M
TALKING ABOUT THE REBA COLONEL.
THERE WE GO.
SIR, MADAM, ENBY ICON: IT WOULD
BE AN HONOR AND A PRIVILEGE TO
FORNICATE IN YOUR PRESENCE.
AND FINALLY, IF YOU LIVE IN
OHIO, A BALLOT MEASURE ON
TUESDAY WOULD ENSHRINE A RIGHT
TO ABORTION IN YOUR STATE'S
CONSTITUTION.
IT'S A MEASURE THAT'S CURRENTLY
BEING TARGETED BY ITS OPPONENTS
IN SOME WILDLY MISLEADING
CAMPAIGN ADS.
>> THE ABORTION INDUSTRY'S
PROPOSED AMENDMENT WOULD ALLOW
NO LIMIT ABORTIONS IN OHIO,
ABORTIONS WHEN THE BABY CAN FEEL
PAIN, EXCRUCIATING PAIN.
ON TOP OF THAT, THE SAME RADICAL
GROUPS WANT TO TEAR AT THE
FABRIC THAT HOLDS OUR FAMILIES
TOGETHER, ALLOW OUR CHILDREN TO
GET ABORTIONS WITHOUT OUR
CONSENT AND REMOVE ALL
PROTECTIONS FOR THE UNBORN.
AS PARENTS, IT'S OUR WORST
NIGHTMARE.
>> John: WOW, THAT AD'S ARGUMENT
IS BASICALLY, "ABORTION RIGHTS
ARE AN ASSAULT ON THE
TRADITIONAL AMERICAN FAMILY: "A
FATHER, A MOTHER, AND ANOTHER
MOTHER WHO'S TWELVE."
ALSO, IF, AS A PARENT, YOUR
WORST NIGHTMARE IS YOUR CHILD
GETTING PREGNANT AND NOT HAVING
TO STAY THAT WAY IF THEY DON'T
WANT TO, I DON'T KNOW, I GUESS
WE JUST HAVE DIFFERENT
NIGHTMARES.
BECAUSE THERE'S AN OBJECTIVELY
CORRECT HIERARCHY OF PARENTAL
FEARS AND IT'S: ONE, LOSING ONE
OF YOUR CHILDREN.
TWO, SOMETHING TERRIBLE
HAPPENING TO ONE OF YOUR
CHILDREN.
THREE, LOSING ONE OF THEM BUT
NOT IN A DEAD WAY, IN THE "OH,
FUCK, I CAN'T FIND THEM" WAY AND
THEN YOU HAVE TO DECIDE WHETHER
TO LOOK FOR THEM ON YOUR OWN, OR
LET SOMEONE KNOW IMMEDIATELY
THAT THEY'RE MISSING.
BECAUSE IF SOMETHING'S REALLY
WRONG, YOU'RE GOING TO NEED
HELP.
BUT IF THEY'RE JUST KIND OF
AROUND LOOKING FOR LEGO SETS,
YOU DON'T WANT TO ANNOUNCE TO
THE TARGET EMPLOYEES THAT YOU'RE
A NEGLIGENT PARENT WHO MISPLACED
YOUR CHILD.
NUMBER FOUR, YOUR CHILDREN
HATING YOU FOR EXACTLY THE
PERSON YOU ARE, THAT'S NOT
BECAUSE OF ANY MISUNDERSTANDING
OR ANYTHING.
YOUR KIDS KNOW EXACTLY WHAT
YOU'RE ABOUT AND THEY
JUSTIFIABLY WANT NOTHING TO DO
WITH YOU.
AND FINALLY, NUMBER FIVE, YOUR
CHILD GETS REALLY GOOD AT
SWIMMING.
BECAUSE THAT MEANS YOU HAVE TO
TAKE THEM TO THE POOL BY 5 A.M.
EVERY OTHER MORNING FOR 10
FUCKING YEARS.
A CHILD EXERCISING BODILY
AUTONOMY IS NOWHERE NEAR A WORST
NIGHTMARE SCENARIO.
EXCEPT FOR MAYBE THE SWIMMING
THING.
LOOK, THIS PAST YEAR AND A HALF
HAS CLEARLY BEEN DEVASTATING
WHEN IT COMES TO ABORTION
RIGHTS.
AND TO BE CLEAR, I'M NOT JUST
TALKING ABOUT THE QUOTE
"UNINTENDED CONSEQUENCES" AROUND
WANTED PREGNANCIES.
I'M TALKING ABOUT THE INTENDED
ONES FOR UNWANTED PREGNANCIES,
TOO.
AN ABORTION IS A MEDICAL
DECISION BETWEEN A PATIENT AND
THEIR DOCTOR, FULL STOP.
AND IT'S MADDENING TO SEE SOME
PUSH TO MAKE THEIR STATES SAFE
FOR LITTLE BABIES, WHILE ALSO
MAKING IT FAR MORE DANGEROUS FOR
THE PEOPLE THEY GROW UP TO BE.
BUT THE HOPE HERE, AND THERE
ACTUALLY IS HOPE, IS THAT AS
MUCH AS THE NEEDS, LIVES, AND
CHOICES OF WOMEN HAVE BEEN
DISMISSED, IS ALSO HOW MUCH
THEIR ANGER AND TENACITY HAS
BEEN UNDERESTIMATED.
YOU'VE SEEN DOCTORS AND MEDICAL
PROFESSIONALS OFFERING THEIR
SELVES AND SERVICES.
AND YOU'VE SEEN PEOPLE LIKE
THESE, BRAVELY AND SELFLESSLY
RELIVING PRIVATE, OFTEN
DIFFICULT MOMENTS, TO EDUCATE
AND GALVANIZE OTHERS.
SO MANY PEOPLE HAVE BEEN WORKING
TIRELESSLY TO MAKE THIS BETTER.
AND I WISH THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO.
I WISH THEY COULD DEVOTE THEIR
LIVES AND TALENTS TO SOMETHING
BESIDES PUBLICLY FIGHTING FOR
BASIC, NECESSARY HEALTHCARE.
BUT THEY CAN'T.
BECAUSE THIS IS AN EMERGENCY.
AND ONE THAT REQUIRES ACTION
FROM ALL OF US.
AND HOPEFULLY, ONE DAY, WE CAN
EVENTUALLY GET TO A PLACE WHERE
PEOPLE WHO WANT TO END A
PREGNANCY, SAVE THEIR OWN LIFE,
OR MAKE ANY OTHER MEDICAL OR
REPRODUCTIVE DECISION ABOUT
THEIR OWN BODY, WILL NOT HAVE TO
SEEK OUT THE SAME LEGAL
LOOPHOLES THAT THE "MONEY PLANE"
PROVIDES FOR THOSE WHO WANT TO
BET ON A DUDE FUCKING AN
ALLIGATOR IN FRONT OF FRASIER.
AND NOW THIS.
>> Announcer: AND NOW,
IT WAS HALLOWEEN AND LOCAL TV
HOSTS DID WHAT THEY ALWAYS DO.
♪ ♪
>> ICE ICE.
>> BABY.
BABY.
>> I HAD TO TAN ON MY COSTUME.
>> I SHOULD'VE DONE SOME
RESEARCH INTO WHAT TELETUBBIES
DID.
I THINK THEY'RE WALKING AROUND
EATING CUSTARD OR SOMETHING.
>> THEN HE GOES LIKE THAT.
>> HOW ARE YOU DOING ON THIS
HALLOWEEN?
>> I CAN'T BREATHE THROUGH THIS
THING.
>> I CAN'T SEE WHAT'S GOING ON.
I'M SWEATING BUCKETS, I CAN'T
GRASP ANYTHING.
>> I CAN'T TURN THE PAGES.
>> HI, BARBIE!
>> HI, KEN!
>> WHAT'S UP, LADIES?
>> YOU SAY, HI, BARBIE.
>> OH, HI, BARBIE.
>> AND WE ARE GOING TO BRING
THAT ALIEN INTO THE STUDIO AND
THAT ALIEN DOES WEATHER.
>> 10 DEGREES BELOW AVERAGE FOR
THIS TIME OF YEAR.
TEMPERATURES IN THE UPPER 50s
AND LOW 60s.
>> A LITTLE COOLER, 50 RIGHT ON
THE MONEY UP THERE.
>> YOU HURT HIM.
>> WE'RE JUST HAVING A BALL HERE
TODAY, FOLKS.
♪ ♪
[LAUGHTER]
>> John: MOVING ON.
FINALLY TONIGHT, A QUICK WORD
ABOUT NEW ZEALAND.
A VAST FANTASY WORLD THAT WAS
INVENTED BY J.R.R. TOLKIEN TO BE
THE FILMING LOCATION FOR
"THE LORD OF THE RINGS."
SPECIFICALLY, I'D LIKE TO TALK
ABOUT A VERY IMPORTANT ELECTION
THERE.
NOT THEIR GENERAL ELECTION,
WHICH HAPPENED THREE WEEKS AGO
AND NO ONE NOTICED.
NO, I'M TALKING ABOUT THIS.
>> IT'S THE BIG DAY.
CANDIDATES ARE BEING WOKEN UP
AND ASSESSED FOR THEIR CAMPAIGN
READINESS.
VOTING IS DUE TO RUN FOR TWO
WEEKS.
SUPPORTERS OF EACH BIRD ARE
HOPING IN THAT TIME ENOUGH NEW
ZEALANDERS SHARE THEIR VISION OF
WHAT COULD BE.
>> CALL YOURSELF A KIWI?
VOTE KIWI, BIRD OF THE CENTURY.
>> John: YES, IT'S NEW ZEALAND'S
BIRD OF THE CENTURY COMPETITION.
AND KUDOS FOR STEALING THE THEME
FROM "VEEP" THERE, TO REALLY
DRIVE HOME THE GRAVITY OF THE
CONTEST.
BECAUSE THIS IS A BIG DEAL.
NEW ZEALANDERS LOVE BIRDS.
THEY'RE FAMOUSLY KNOWN AS
"KIWIS," AFTER THE KIWI BIRD.
AND BIRDS FEATURE PROMINENTLY ON
THEIR CURRENCY.
WHICH IS FRANKLY MUCH BETTER
THAN WHAT U.S. BILLS HAVE ON
THEM, WHICH IS "ASSORTED RACISTS
AND TRACE AMOUNTS OF COCAINE."
NEW ZEALAND ALSO HAS A LOT OF
UNIQUE BIRDS.
A 2017 GOVERNMENT REPORT FOUND
THAT OF THE 168 SPECIES OF
NATIVE BIRDS IN NEW ZEALAND, 93
WERE ENDEMIC, MEANING THEY'RE
FOUND NOWHERE ELSE.
BUT IN THE PAST COUPLE OF
CENTURIES, THE NUMBERS OF NATIVE
BIRDS THERE HAVE DROPPED
DRAMATICALLY.
THAT'S WHY THE CONSERVATION
ORGANIZATION FOREST & BIRD
STARTED A "BIRD OF THE YEAR"
COMPETITION BACK IN 2005 TO
RAISE AWARENESS OF NATIVE BIRDS
AND THE THREATS THEY FACE.
AND THIS YEAR, IT'S "BIRD OF THE
CENTURY," WHICH IS CLEARLY THE
BIGGEST ONE YET.
BUT FOR A WELL-MEANING
COMPETITION, IT'S ACTUALLY BEEN
A BIT OF A LIGHTNING ROD FOR
CONTROVERSY IN THE PAST.
JUST TAKE THE REACTION TO WHAT
HAPPENED AHEAD OF LAST YEAR'S
CONTEST.
>> THE WORLD'S FATTEST PARROT,
THE KAKAPO, HAS BEEN KICKED OUT.
MELISSA, WHY?
>> WELL, BECAUSE IT'S WON TWO
TIMES PREVIOUSLY, 2020 AND 2008.
>> TOO BIG FOR ITS BOOTS.
>> WELL, WHAT THEY'RE WORRIED
ABOUT IS THAT IT'S TAKING THE
SPOTLIGHT FROM LESSER-KNOWN
BIRDS.
>> John: IT'S TRUE, THIS BIRD,
THE KAKAPO, WAS DISQUALIFIED
BECAUSE IT HAD ALREADY WON
TWICE.
WHICH IS BULLSHIT.
WE DON'T DO THAT FOR OTHER
AWARDS.
"SORRY, BEYONCE, BUT SINCE
YOU'VE ALREADY WON 32 GRAMMYS,
YOU'RE DISQUALIFIED FROM NOW ON
SO THAT SOMEONE WORSE THAN YOU
CAN WIN.
I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND!"
BESIDES, THE KAKAPO EARNED THOSE
WINS.
IT'S THE WORLD'S FATTEST PARROT.
AND IF YOU'RE NOT ALREADY ON
BOARD: THEY'RE ALSO FRIENDLY,
AND THEY SMELL NICE.
THOSE ARE TWO QUALITIES I HAVE
NEVER ASSOCIATED WITH ANY BIRD,
PRESENT COMPANY INCLUDED.
AND PERHAPS MOST IMPORTANTLY OF
ALL, THE KAKAPO GIFTED THE WORLD
WITH THIS INCREDIBLE CLIP.
>> A TYPICAL MALE, SIROCCO IS
CLEARLY ONLY INTERESTED IN ONE
THING.
>> OH, HELLO!
>> OH, LOOK AT THAT!
>> OW!
GOD, HE'S GOT SHARP CLAWS.
>> HE'S GETTING A BIT FRISKY.
>> OW, OW!
>> DO YOU THINK IT IS A -- HE'S
ACTUALLY ATTEMPTING A SORT OF
MATING RITUAL?
HE IS?
OH, MARK, YOU ARE BEING SHAGGED!
>> OW, WOW IT'S SHARP.
>> LOOK, HE'S SO HAPPY!
I'M SORRY, BUT IT'S ONE OF THE
FUNNIEST THINGS I'VE EVER SEEN.
YOU ARE BEING SHAGGED BY A RARE
PARROT.
HE THINKS YOU ARE A FEMALE.
>> OW!
>> HE'S REALLY GOING FOR IT.
WOW, YOU'VE CHOSEN HIM.
IS IT -- ACTUALLY, YOU ARE IN
PAIN, AREN'T YOU?
>> John: SPECTACULAR.
JUST SPECTACULAR.
THOUGH SPARE A THOUGHT FOR THAT
KAKAPO.
I KNOW HE LOOKS HAPPY THERE BUT
CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW INSECURE HE
ALSO MUST HAVE FELT?
IMAGINE THIS: YOU'VE JUST MET
SOMEONE THAT YOU INSTANTLY
CONNECT WITH, YOU BRING THEM
BACK TO YOUR PLACE, UNDRESS, GET
IN BED, START TO HAVE SEX -- YOU
KNOW WHAT, NO, MAKE LOVE.
BUT THE WHOLE TIME STEPHEN FRY
IS RIGHT NEXT TO YOU POINTING,
LAUGHING, AND SAYING "THIS IS
ONE OF THE FUNNIEST THINGS I'VE
EVER SEEN?"
THEN SOMEONE TAKES THAT SEXUAL
HUMILIATION AND PUTS IT UP ON
YOUTUBE, WHERE IT'S VIEWED
25 MILLION TIMES?
THEN, SOME ASSHOLE ON HBO SHOWS
IT TO HIS STUDIO AUDIENCE, AND
THEY ALL LAUGH, TOO?
THE VERY FACT THAT THIS BIRD HAS
BEEN ABLE TO KEEP HIMSELF
AROUSED, HUMPING, AND FOCUSED ON
HIS PARTNER, THAT ZOOLOGIST'S
HEAD, IS, FRANKLY, HEROIC TO ME.
BUT AMAZINGLY, THE KAKAPO'S
DISQUALIFICATION WAS ACTUALLY A
STEP UP FROM 2021, WHEN THERE
WAS AN ABSOLUTE UPROAR AFTER A
BAT WAS AWARDED BIRD OF THE
YEAR.
SPECIFICALLY, THIS ABSOLUTE
GOOBER OF A BAT, THE LONG-TAILED
BAT.
AND FORGET BIRD OF THE YEAR, I
WOULDN'T EVEN GIVE THAT BAT
"BAT OF THE YEAR."
APPARENTLY IT "TECHNICALLY
QUALIFIED" BECAUSE IT WAS
ENTERED USING THE TERM MANU, THE
MAORI WORD FOR BIRD, WHICH
GENERALLY MEANS WINGED CREATURE.
BUT COME ON.
JUST BECAUSE IT HAS WINGS,
THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH?
VOTERS SHOULDN'T USE THE SAME
CRITERIA AS SOMEONE BOARDING A
SOUTHWEST AIRLINES FLIGHT.
AND BELIEVE IT OR NOT, THE YEAR
BEFORE, THERE WAS YET ANOTHER
SCANDAL.
>> NEW ZEALAND'S BIRD OF THE
YEAR COMPETITION HAS BEEN ROCKED
WITH REVELATIONS OF A SLEW OF
FRAUDULENT VOTES STREAMED IN
OVERNIGHT FOR THE LITTLE SPOTTED
KIWI WHICH PUSHED IT INTO AN
UNEXPECTED AND FALSE LEAD.
>> John: YEAH, BIRD VOTER FRAUD!
AND I THINK MY FAVORITE PART
ABOUT THAT IS THE NEWS ANCHOR
CALLING THE LITTLE SPOTTED
KIWI'S LEAD "UNEXPECTED."
BECAUSE THAT IS AN EXCELLENT
BIRD NEG.
"YEAH, OBVIOUSLY EVERYONE WAS
SHOCKED WHEN THEY SAW THE LITTLE
SPOTTED KIWI IN THE LEAD AND
IMMEDIATELY KNEW SOMETHING WAS
AFOOT.
OBVIOUSLY THERE'S NO WAY THIS
LITTLE FLIGHTLESS FREAK COULD
EVER WIN ANYTHING LEGITIMATELY,
EXCEPT MAYBE A FUCKED-UP FERRET
LOOKALIKE CONTEST."
AND THE THING IS, THERE ACTUALLY
HAVE BEEN A NUMBER OF
VOTE-STUFFING SCANDALS OVER THE
YEARS.
IN 2015, TWO 15-YEAR-OLD TWINS
USED THEIR PARENTS' BUSINESS
EMAIL ACCOUNT TO MAKE HUNDREDS
OF FAKE EMAILS, TO VOTE OVER 200
TIMES FOR THE KOKAKO -- THIS
BLUE THING.
THEN, TWO YEARS LATER, ANOTHER
VOTER FRAUD ATTEMPT WAS
DISCOVERED WHEN OVER A HUNDRED
FRAUDULENT VOTES WERE CAST FOR
THE WHITE-FACED HERON --
SOMETHING FOREST & BIRD TOOK IN
STRIDE, SAYING: "WE'RE NOT MAD,
JUST IMPRESSED THAT SOMEONE
CARES ENOUGH ABOUT NEW ZEALAND'S
NATIVE BIRDS TO RIG THE
COMPETITION."
AND I'M GLAD THEY WEREN'T MAD
BUT I DEFINITELY AM.
BECAUSE THIS FUCKING THING
DOESN'T DESERVE TO BE ANYWHERE
NEAR THE BIRD OF THE YEAR AWARD.
IT LOOKS LIKE A PIGEON TOOK
ANABOLIC STEROIDS.
I HATE THIS BIRD!
BUT THIS ALL SPEAKS TO HOW MUCH
THE PEOPLE OF NEW ZEALAND
JUSTIFIABLY LOVE THIS
COMPETITION.
THERE ARE CAMPAIGN MANAGERS FOR
EACH BIRD CANDIDATE, AND THE
ELECTIONEERING CAN BE INTENSE.
IN 2019, THE CAMPAIGN FOR THE
ROCKHOPPER CREATED A SERIES OF
MOVIE PARODY POSTERS, INCLUDING
"ROCKY HOPPER PICTURE SHOW" AND
"SCHOOL OF ROCKHOPPER."
WHICH ARE BOTH CLEARLY
EXCELLENT.
BUT MY FAVORITE ENDORSEMENT CAME
FROM ADULT TOY MEGASTORE -- AN
ONLINE RETAILER WHICH CAMPAIGNED
FOR THE HIHI BIRD, CLAIMING THAT
THE "MALE HIHI HAVE THE LARGEST
TESTICLES IN THE BIRD WORLD" AND
"THE HIHI IS THE SEX-POSITIVE
POLYAMOROUS IDOL OF THE BIRD
WORLD WITH THE BIGGEST BALLS TO
BOOT."
THERE ARE EVEN HONEST-TO-GOD
BIRD OF THE YEAR DEBATES, WHERE
CAMPAIGNERS FACE OFF AGAINST
EACH OTHER.
>> I WOULD LIKE YOU TO DO YOUR
BEST IMPRESSION OF YOUR BIRD'S
CALL.
SO, WE'RE GONNA START WITH
FRANCES.
GOOD LUCK.
>> REEEEH!
REEEEEEH!
>> EE EE EE EE EE EE EE EE EE EE
EE!
EE EE EE EE EE EE EE EE EE EE EE
EE!
>> EEE!
EEE!
>> John: THAT'S A REAL DEBATE ON
NEW ZEALAND RADIO!
AND JUST IMAGINE TURNING THAT
DEBATE ON MIDWAY THROUGH,
WITHOUT HEARING THE QUESTION.
IT'D SOUND LIKE YOU'RE LISTENING
TO AN ORGY OF HAUNTED DOLLS.
NOW, AT THIS POINT, YOU MIGHT BE
THINKING, "WOW, I WISH THERE WAS
A BIRD OF THE YEAR COMPETITION
THIS SPECTACULAR HERE IN THE
U.S. THAT WE COULD PARTICIPATE
IN."
AND WELL, I'VE GOT GOOD NEWS AND
BAD NEWS.
THE BAD NEWS IS: THERE ISN'T.
THE GOOD NEWS IS: NEW ZEALAND'S
CONTEST IS NOT ACTUALLY
RESTRICTED TO JUST NEW ZEALAND.
ANYONE IN THE WORLD CAN VOTE, AS
LONG AS THEY HAVE A VALID EMAIL.
AND NOT JUST THAT.
FOREST & BIRD THEMSELVES SAY
THEY "ENCOURAGE ANYONE WHO IS
PASSIONATE ABOUT THEIR FAVORITE
NATIVE BIRD TO CAMPAIGN
THROUGHOUT THE COMPETITION."
AND BY NOW, I'M PRETTY SURE YOU
KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING.
BECAUSE WE ARE HEREBY ANNOUNCING
OURSELVES AS THE OFFICIAL
CAMPAIGN MANAGER FOR WHAT WE
BELIEVE TO BE THE BEST CANDIDATE
FOR NEW ZEALAND'S BIRD OF THE
CENTURY.
I'M TALKING, OF COURSE, ABOUT
THE PUTEKETEKE, ALSO KNOWN AS
THE AUSTRALASIAN CRESTED GREBE.
LOOK AT THIS BEAUTY!
IT LOOKS LIKE PAULY D FUCKED A
SWAN.
EVEN ITS NAME IS EVEN FUN TO
SAY.
PUTEKETEKE.
IT FEELS LIKE YOUR TONGUE IS
TAP-DANCING.
AND THERE ARE SO MANY FUN FACTS
ABOUT IT, LIKE THE FACT THAT
THEY'RE KNOWN FOR CARRYING THEIR
BABIES ON THEIR BACKS LIKE THIS,
WHICH, YES, IS ADORABLE.
AND BOTH PARENTS WILL INCUBATE
THE EGGS AND TEND TO THE CHICKS.
THEY GIVE EACH OTHER SPACE TO
CO-PARENT.
THEY DON'T STIFLE EACH OTHER,
YOU KNOW?
AND YOU WANT ELEGANCE?
I'LL GIVE YOU ELEGANCE.
THEY HAVE A MATING DANCE WHERE
THEY BOTH GRAB A CLUMP OF WET
GRASS AND CHEST-BUMP EACH OTHER,
BEFORE STANDING AROUND, UNSURE
OF WHAT TO DO NEXT.
I HAVE NEVER IDENTIFIED WITH
ANYTHING MORE IN MY FUCKING
LIFE.
[LAUGHTER AND CHEERING]
PUTEKETEKES ALSO -- AND THIS IS
TRUE -- EAT THEIR OWN FEATHERS
BY THE HUNDREDS TO PROTECT THEIR
STOMACHS DURING DIGESTION, AND
THEN WILL THROW UP A BALL OF
FEATHERS AND FISH BONES.
THEY'RE WEIRD PUKING BIRDS WITH
COLORFUL MULLETS!
WHAT'S NOT TO LOVE HERE?
AND THERE'S ANOTHER REASON THAT
YOU SHOULD VOTE FOR THE
PUTEKETEKE, AND THAT'S THAT ITS
EXISTENCE IS UNDER THREAT.
IT'S ESTIMATED THAT ITS NEW
ZEALAND POPULATION NUMBERS FEWER
THAN 1,000 BIRDS.
AND YET, TRAGICALLY, IT'S NEVER
WON BIRD OF THE YEAR BEFORE.
ALTHOUGH, TO BE HONEST, IT'S
ALSO NEVER HAD US CAMPAIGNING
FOR IT BEFORE, HAS IT?
AND I DO THINK WE CAN DO THIS.
LAST YEAR, WHEN THE ROCK WREN
WON, IT DID SO WITH 2,894 NUMBER
ONE VOTES, SO I'M PRETTY SURE WE
CAN BEAT.
ESPECIALLY BECAUSE WE'VE PUT
TOGETHER A CAMPAIGN WHICH COULD
REASONABLY BE DESCRIBED AS
"ALARMINGLY AGGRESSIVE."
FIRST, WE PUT UP ADS IN
NEW ZEALAND PROMOTING THE
PUTEKETEKE AS
"THE LORD OF THE WINGS," WHICH
IS ALREADY VERY EXCITING.
BUT LOOK, WE DIDN'T STOP THERE.
BECAUSE REMEMBER, THE POTENTIAL
VOTERS ARE EVERY SINGLE
INHABITANT OF EARTH.
SO FOR THE LAST WEEK, THERE'S
ALSO BEEN A BUNCH OF BILLBOARDS
UP IN THE CENTER OF MUMBAI,
INDIA.
LOOK AT THEM!
THERE THEY ARE!
A CITY OF OVER 12 MILLION PEOPLE
-- THAT'S A LOT OF POTENTIAL
VOTES RIGHT THERE.
WE ALSO DESIGNED THIS STRIKING
ANIMATED AD IN JAPAN, IN THE
CENTER OF TOKYO, IN THE
SO-CALLED "BUSIEST CROSSING IN
THE WORLD," SO HOPEFULLY THAT
SHOULD BRING IN A FEW VOTES,
TOO.
NOW, WE TRIED TO GET THIS POSTER
PUT UP IN PARIS, BUT THEY
WOULDN'T DO IT, BECAUSE THE BIRD
WAS SMOKING, AND APPARENTLY
CIGARETTES ARE APPARENTLY BANNED
IN ADVERTISING THERE, WHICH
SEEMS RIDICULOUS, CONSIDERING
THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF FRANCE
SMOKES.
SO WE RELUCTANTLY TWEAKED IT AND
PUT THIS NON-SMOKING VERSION UP
ON THE CHAMPS D'ELYSEE, RIGHT
NEXT TO THE ARC DE TRIOMPHE,
WHICH HAS FRANKLY NEVER LOOKED
BETTER.
MEANWHILE, IN LONDON, WE MADE
THIS MOBILE AD TELLING EVERYONE
THERE TO "HELP US CROWN A REAL
KING," AND DROVE IT RIGHT PAST
THE HOUSES OF PARLIAMENT AND ALL
AROUND THE CITY.
AND IF YOU'RE THINKING, "THAT'S
GREAT, JOHN, BUT WHAT ABOUT
BRAZIL?
SURELY YOU DID SOMETHING IN
BRAZIL!"
DON'T WORRY, IF YOU WERE ON
IPANEMA BEACH THIS WEEK, YOU
MIGHT'VE SEEN THIS PLANE FLYING
AROUND, WITH A "VOTE FOR THE
PUTEKETEKE" AD HANGING RIGHT OFF
THE BACK OF IT.
AND FINALLY, JUST TO PUSH US
OVER THE TOP, WE ALSO PUT UP
THIS BILLBOARD IN MANITOWOC,
WISCONSIN.
BECAUSE HEY, NOT EVERYONE LIVES
IN BIG CITIES.
AND IF YOU LIVE IN MANITOWOC, WE
NEED YOUR SUPPORT, TOO.
THE POINT IS, WE'RE GOING ALL
OUT FOR THIS THING.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
BECAUSE I DON'T JUST WANT THE
PUTEKETEKE TO WIN -- I WANT IT
TO WIN IN THE BIGGEST LANDSLIDE
IN THE HISTORY OF THIS
MAGNIFICENT COMPETITION.
I WANT IT TO DO TO OTHER BIRD OF
THE CENTURY CANDIDATES WHAT THE
PUTEKETEKE DOES TO FISH IN
NEW ZEALAND'S LAKES -- THAT IS,
EAT THEM ALIVE, AND THEN THROW
THEM BACK UP IN A BALL OF
FEATHERS.
BECAUSE THERE'S FRANKLY NO BIRD
ON EARTH MORE DESERVING OF THE
TITLE "BIRD OF THE CENTURY" THAN
THIS ONE RIGHT HERE.
I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS THING!
IT'S IN YOUR HANDS.
SO PLEASE -- STOP IT -- BEFORE
THE CONTEST CLOSES AT THE END OF
THIS WEEK, GO TO
VoteThisBird.com AND SELECT THE
PUTEKETEKE AS YOUR NUMBER ONE
VOTE!
YOU NEED TO USE A REAL EMAIL
ADDRESS AND THEN VERIFY YOUR
VOTE.
DO IT!
BECAUSE AFTER ALL, THIS IS WHAT
DEMOCRACY IS ALL ABOUT: AMERICA
INTERFERING IN FOREIGN
ELECTIONS!
NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE ON
EARTH, MAKE SURE YOU VOTE FOR
THIS ADORABLY WEIRD BIRD FREAK
AND TOGETHER, LET'S MAKE BIRD
HISTORY!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THAT'S OUR SHOW.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WATCHING.
WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
GOODNIGHT!
PUTEKETEKE!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪