♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> John: WELCOME, WELCOME,
WELCOME TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT!"
I'M JOHN OLIVER.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING
US.
IT HAS BEEN A BUSY WEEK.
THE HOUSE AUTHORIZED AN
IMPEACHMENT INQUIRY, ISRAEL'S
RELENTLESS BOMBING OF GAZA
CONTINUED DESPITE OVERWHELMING
INTERNATIONAL OPPOSITION, AND
RUDY GIULIANI -- AMERICA'S MAYOR
AND HIS COUSIN'S EX-HUSBAND --
WAS IN COURT OVER HIS DEFAMATION
OF THESE TWO GEORGIA ELECTION
WORKERS.
NOW, GIULIANI'S ALREADY BEEN
FOUND LIABLE -- THIS TRIAL WAS
JUST TO DETERMINE DAMAGES, WHICH
ULTIMATELY CAME TO $148 MILLION.
AND HE FRANKLY DIDN'T HELP
HIMSELF BY SHOWING NO
CONTRITION, AND ACTUALLY
REPEATING HIS CLAIMS OUTSIDE
COURT ON MONDAY.
JUST WATCH AS HIS SPOKESMAN
TRIES TO SHUT HIM DOWN.
>> I TOLD THE TRUTH!
THEY WERE ENGAGED IN CHANGING
VOTES.
>> THERE'S NO PROOF OF THAT.
>> OH, YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT THERE
IS.
STAY TUNED.
>> THE RUDY GIULIANI YOU SEE
TODAY IS THE SAME MAN WHO
CLEANED UP THE STREETS OF
NEW YORK, TOOK DOWN THE MAFIA --
>> STIPULATION ISN'T PROOF.
>> LET'S GO, WE'RE GOING TO OUR
CAR.
>> John: WOW.
THERE'S SO MUCH THERE THAT'S
PATHETIC.
THAT MAN'S DESPERATELY TRYING TO
COAST OFF THE GUY GIULIANI WAS
20 YEARS AGO.
IT'S THE RARE ATTEMPT TO
"WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S" SOMEONE
WHO IS STILL ALIVE.
ALSO, HE BAILED ON THAT DEFENSE
MID-SENTENCE.
"YEAH, I WAS GONNA GET TO 9/11,
BUT THIS HAS BEEN A DISASTER,
JUST GET IN THE FUCKING CAR,
RUDY."
AND LOOK, MUCH THOUGH I'D LOVE
TO TALK MORE ABOUT GIULIANI -- I
COULD DO 20 MINUTES ON THIS
COURTROOM SKETCH ALONE --
INSTEAD, WE'RE GOING TO DIVE
STRAIGHT IN WITH OUR MAIN STORY
TONIGHT.
THIS IS OUR FINAL SHOW OF THE
YEAR, SO WE THOUGHT WE'D FOCUS
ON SOMEONE WHO'S HAD A PRETTY
BIG 12 MONTHS -- ELON MUSK.
A MAN WHO CAN PULL OFF PRETTY
MUCH ANY BAD-GUY-IN-A-MOVIE
LOOK.
THERE'S LEX LUTHOR POSING FOR
THE COVER OF METROPOLIS MANIACS
MONTHLY, THERE'S "WHY NO MR.
BOND, I AND MY CHILD BRIDE
EXPECT YOU TO DIE," THERE'S "I
JUST BOUGHT YOUR MEDIA COMPANY
AND I'M ABOUT TO STRIP YOU FOR
PARTS," THERE'S "SPACE'S FIRST
RACIST SHERIFF," AND FINALLY,
THE "LESS-FUCKABLE REIMAGINING
OF BILLY ZANE'S CHARACTER IN
TITANIC."
TRULY, THE MAN HAS RANGE.
ELON'S MADE NEWS ALL YEAR, FROM
TEST-LAUNCHING THE MOST POWERFUL
ROCKET EVER BUILT, TO JUST THIS
WEEK, HAVING TO RECALL
2 MILLION CARS DUE TO SAFETY
CONCERNS.
HE EVEN CHALLENGED
MARK ZUCKERBERG TO A CAGE FIGHT,
TO WHICH ZUCKERBERG REPLIED
"SEND ME LOCATION," AND MAY I
SUGGEST TO BOTH OF THEM:
INTERIOR VOLCANO.
AND THEN, OF COURSE, THERE'S
TWITTER.
HE NOW CALLS IT "X," BUT THE
REST OF US STILL CALL IT
"TWITTER."
HE OFFICIALLY ACQUIRED IT 12
MONTHS AGO, AND SINCE THEN, IT'S
BEEN ONE FIASCO AFTER ANOTHER --
WITH THE MOST RECENT COMING WHEN
HE TWEETED HIS AGREEMENT WITH
THIS ANTISEMITIC POST, CALLING
THE GREAT REPLACEMENT THEORY
"THE ACTUAL TRUTH."
THAT CAUSED MANY BIG ADVERTISERS
TO FLEE.
AND THEN, IN THE MIDST OF
DENYING ANY ANTISEMITIC INTENT,
ELON DECIDED TO TAUNT THE
SPONSORS WHO HAD LEFT.
>> DON'T ADVERTISE.
>> YOU DON'T WANT THEM TO
ADVERTISE?
>> NO.
>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
>> IF SOMEBODY IS GOING TO TRY
TO BLACKMAIL ME WITH
ADVERTISING, BLACKMAILING WITH
MONEY?
GO FUCK YOURSELF.
>> BUT --
>> GO FUCK YOURSELF.
IS THAT CLEAR?
I HOPE IT IS.
>> John: WOW.
IT'S HARD TO SAY WHAT'S MOST
EMBARRASSING THERE -- THE FACT
THE WORLD'S RICHEST MAN IS
PLAYING THE "YOU'RE NOT BREAKING
UP WITH ME, I'M BREAKING UP WITH
YOU" CARD, OR THAT HE'S DOING IT
TO CONFUSED SILENCE WHILE
WEARING A JACKET FROM
RALPH LAUREN'S MIDLIFE CRISIS
COLLECTION.
HE'S CLEARLY GOING FOR "BAD BOY"
THERE, BUT ENDED UP LOOKING MORE
LIKE RED-PILLED CHIP FROM
"RESCUE RANGERS."
NOW, THAT CLIP ACTUALLY MADE THE
ROUNDS, BUT FOR MY MONEY, THIS
EXCHANGE A FEW SECONDS LATER IS
EVEN BETTER.
>> LOOK, ACTUALLY WHAT -- WHAT
THIS ADVERTISING BOYCOTT IS --
IS GONNA DO, IT'S GONNA KILL THE
COMPANY.
>> AND DO YOU THINK THAT --
>> BUT -- AND THE WHOLE WORLD
WILL KNOW THAT THOSE ADVERTISERS
KILLED THE COMPANY.
EVERYONE WILL DOCUMENT IT IN
GREAT DETAIL.
>> BUT THERE ARE -- THOSE
ADVERTISERS, I IMAGINE, ARE
GONNA SAY -- THEY'RE GOING TO
SAY, "WE DIDN'T KILL THE
COMPANY."
>> OH, YEAH.
>> THEY'RE GONNA SAY --
>> TELL IT TO -- TELL IT TO
EARTH.
LET'S SEE HOW EARTH RESPONDS
TO THAT.
>> John: YEAH, TELL IT TO EARTH!
I HONESTLY HOPE HE DOES THAT.
I HOPE HE TRIES TELLING EVERY
LIVING CREATURE ON THE PLANET,
INCLUDING THOSE WEIRD DEEP SEA
FISH, ALL ABOUT HOW ADVERTISER
BOYCOTTS ARE GOING TO KILL
TWITTER, JUST SO ONE OF THEM CAN
OPEN ITS OBJECTIVELY HORRIFYING
JAWS AND SAY, "YEAH, MAN,
BECAUSE YOU SAID THAT WEIRD SHIT
ABOUT JEWS.
WE LIVE IN A BLACK VOID AND EVEN
WE UNDERSTAND THE ORDER OF
OPERATIONS HERE."
AND LOOK, I COULD TALK FOR HOURS
ABOUT WHAT ELON'S DONE TO
TWITTER -- MANY IN THE MEDIA DO,
BECAUSE IT'S WHERE THEY SPEND
MOST OF THEIR WORKDAYS.
BUT THE TRUTH IS, IT'S NOT THE
MOST IMPORTANT THING ELON IS IN
CHARGE OF.
IT'S ARGUABLY NOT EVEN THE MOST
IMPORTANT SOCIAL-NETWORKING
SITE.
WE ALL KNOW THE ONLY SOCIAL
MEDIA APP THAT MATTERS THESE
DAYS IS THE COMMENTS SECTION OF
VENMO.
THAT'S WHERE THE REAL DRAMA IS.
BUT WHAT MUSK'S TIME AT TWITTER
HAS DEFINITELY CHANGED IS HOW
MANY PEOPLE PERCEIVE HIM.
BECAUSE FOR A LONG TIME, HE WAS
SEEN AS A ONE-OF-A-KIND GENIUS
WHO'D SAVE HUMANITY, AND
DESCRIBED AS A "REAL-LIFE IRON
MAN."
IT'S A COMPARISON THAT HE EVEN
WELCOMED, CAMEOING AS HIMSELF
IN "IRON MAN 2."
ALTHOUGH, I NEVER LIKED THOSE
COMPARISONS.
AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, THE
ONLY REAL-LIFE IRON MAN IS
TROY HURCHUBISE, WHO SPENT HIS
LIFE DESIGNING A SUIT OF ARMOR
THAT COULD WITHSTAND A GRIZZLY
BEAR ATTACK, AND WAS KIND ENOUGH
TO FILM THE TESTS.
>> ARE YOU READY, TROY?
>> I'M READY.
>> HERE IT COMES.
[LAUGHTER]
>> John: YES.
THAT IS THE HERO WE DESERVE.
THAT IS MY IRON MAN.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
STILL, FOR A LONG TIME, ELON'S
PUBLIC IMAGE WAS THAT OF A
MAVERICK CELEBRITY INVENTOR WHO
CUT THROUGH RED TAPE,
REVOLUTIONIZED SPACE TRAVEL, AND
MADE ELECTRIC CARS COOL.
AND HE DOES DO A LOT.
IN ADDITION TO TWITTER, HE'S THE
HEAD OF FIVE OTHER COMPANIES:
TESLA, SPACEX, THE BORING
COMPANY, NEURALINK, AND X.AI.
AND THANKS TO THEIR
ROLLERCOASTER FORTUNES, HE CAN
CLAIM THE TWIN DISTINCTIONS OF
BEING BOTH THE RICHEST PERSON IN
THE WORLD AND THE FIRST
PERSON EVER TO LOSE $200 BILLION
DOLLARS.
WHICH IS HARD TO WRAP YOUR HEAD
AROUND.
IT'S LIKE HEARING SOMEONE WON A
MARATHON AFTER ACCIDENTALLY
RUNNING 200 MILES IN THE WRONG
DIRECTION.
AND TO HEAR ELON TELL IT, HE'S
BEEN DOING THIS, AT LEAST IN
PART, TO BENEFIT HUMANITY.
HE RECENTLY SAID OF TESLA, "I'VE
DONE MORE FOR THE ENVIRONMENT
THAN ANY SINGLE HUMAN ON EARTH"
DEMONSTRATING A PRETTY STRONG
MESSIANIC STREAK.
IN FACT, SAM ALTMAN, THE CEO OF
OPEN AI, WHO'S BOTH WORKED WITH
AND CLASHED WITH MUSK, HAS SAID,
"ELON DESPERATELY WANTS THE
WORLD TO BE SAVED.
BUT ONLY IF HE CAN BE THE ONE TO
SAVE IT."
WHICH IS A PRETTY BIG ASTERISK.
IT'S LIKE JESUS SAYS IN THE BOOK
OF MATTHEW: LOVE THY NEIGHBOR,
BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY ME, AND IF
YOU DON'T, FUCK YOU, FIND YOUR
OWN HEAVEN, J-CRIZZLE OUT."
[LAUGHTER]
AND I KNOW THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO
LOVE ELON, AND PEOPLE WHO
UTTERLY HATE HIM, AND THERE
ARE GOING TO BE PARTS OF THIS
PIECE THAT IRRITATE BOTH GROUPS.
THERE ARE ALSO PEOPLE WHO WOULD,
UNDERSTANDABLY, RATHER JUST
IGNORE HIM.
BUT AS YOU'LL SEE, WE MIGHT HAVE
PASSED THE POINT WHERE THAT'S AN
OPTION FOR ANY OF US.
SO TONIGHT, LET'S LOOK AT
ELON MUSK, AND LET'S START WITH
HOW HE EARNED HIS "BUSINESS
GENIUS" REPUTATION.
AND I'M GOING TO SKIP OVER THE
EARLY YEARS -- THE GROWING UP IN
APARTHEID SOUTH AFRICA, THEN
EMIGRATING TO THE U.S. VIA
CANADA DURING HIS COLLEGE YEARS.
YOU CAN READ ANY NUMBER OF BOOKS
ON THAT, OR JUST ASK YOUR NEXT
BUMBLE DATE WHO TURNED UP IN A
FEDORA AND A "RELEASE THE SNYDER
CUT" T-SHIRT, READY TO SPEND THE
ENTIRE NIGHT TALKING ABOUT HIM.
ELON FIRST EARNED HIS FORTUNE
FROM CREATING A COMPANY CALLED
"ZIP TWO" WITH HIS BROTHER,
BEFORE GOING ON TO HELP RUN
PAYPAL ALONGSIDE PETER THIEL.
AND IF I ONLY COULD'VE BEEN A
FLY ON THAT WALL!
I'D HAVE FLOWN INTO A HOT LIGHT
BULB.
HE THEN INVESTED THAT PERSONAL
FORTUNE INTO SPACEX, A COMPANY
THAT WOULD CREATE AND LAUNCH ITS
OWN ROCKETS AND SPACECRAFT.
AND THAT IS A PRETTY GUTSY MOVE,
TO GO FROM AN ONLINE PAYMENT
SYSTEM TO LITERAL ROCKET
SCIENCE.
ALTHOUGH -- AS SOME POINT OUT --
SPACEX WASN'T EXACTLY STARTING
FROM SQUARE ONE.
>> WHAT SPACEX HAS BEEN VERY
SUCCESSFUL AT IS TAKING
BASICALLY OFF THE SHELF
TECHNOLOGY, STUFF THAT WAS
DEVELOPED BY NASA 50 YEARS AGO,
AND STREAMLINING IT.
SO IN THAT WAY, HE'S KIND OF
THE HENRY FORD OF -- OF SPACE,
BECAUSE HENRY FORD DIDN'T INVENT
THE AUTOMOBILE.
HE JUST FIGURED OUT HOW TO MAKE
THE AUTOMOBILE, YOU KNOW,
COMMERCIALLY VIABLE.
>> John: YEAH, LIKE HENRY FORD,
ELON MUSK MANAGED TO BUILD ON
THE TECHNOLOGY THAT OTHERS HAD
INVENTED.
THAT'S NOT THE ONLY WAY HE'S
LIKE HENRY FORD, WHICH YOU'D
KNOW IF YOU'D EVER GOOGLED
EITHER OF THEIR NAMES AND THE
WORD "ANTISEMITISM," BUT LET'S
NOT GET AHEAD OF OURSELVES.
THE POINT IS, MUSK TOOK A BIG
RISK ON STARTING A ROCKET
COMPANY.
WHICH NEARLY DIDN'T WORK.
HIS FIRST THREE ATTEMPTS TO
LAUNCH ONE FAILED, AND THEN HE
MADE A TRULY AUDACIOUS GAMBLE.
>> WHEN YOU HAD THAT THIRD
FAILURE IN A ROW, DID YOU THINK,
"I NEED TO PACK THIS IN?"
>> NEVER.
>> WHY NOT?
>> I DON'T EVER GIVE UP.
>> EIGHT WEEKS LATER, MUSK BET
THE COMPANY ON ANOTHER FLIGHT.
>> WE HAVE LIFT-OFF.
>> AND THIS TIME AROUND,
EVERYTHING WORKED.
>> PERFECT.
>> IF THAT FOURTH LAUNCH HADN'T
WORKED, THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN IT.
WE WOULD HAVE NOT HAD THE
RESOURCES TO MOUNT A FIFTH.
>> YOU COULDN'T HAVE GONE ON AT
THAT POINT?
>> WE -- YES.
DEATH WOULD HAVE BEEN, I THINK,
INEVITABLE.
>> John: THAT IS GENUINELY
IMPRESSIVE.
ALTHOUGH, THERE ARE LESS WEIRD
WAYS TO SAY "WE WOULD HAVE GONE
OUT OF BUSINESS" THAN "DEATH IS
INEVITABLE."
PHRASING MATTERS.
IT'S WHY PEOPLE SAY "WE JUST HAD
A BABY" INSTEAD OF "LISA SHIT
LIFE OUT OF HER HOO-HA."
SAME MEANING, DIFFERENT
FEELING.
AND THAT TREND CONTINUED THROUGH
SPACEX'S SUBSEQUENT EFFORTS --
SOMETHING THAT, AS THIS FORMER
HEAD OF NASA POINTS OUT, IS NOT
SOMETHING THEY'D EVER BE ABLE TO
GET AWAY WITH.
>> IF WE LOST ROCKETS AT THE
RATE THAT -- THAT ELON MUSK
LOSES HIS BIG STARSHIP, NASA
WOULD HAVE BEEN OUT OF BUSINESS.
CONGRESS WOULD HAVE SHUT US
DOWN.
IF WE LOST ONE STARSHIP, LET
ALONE SIX OR HOWEVER MANY IT'S
BEEN.
WE CAN'T DO THAT.
>> John: RIGHT, THE U.S.
GOVERNMENT CAN'T WASTE BILLIONS
OF DOLLARS JUST BLOWING THINGS
UP IN THE VAGUE HOPE THAT IT'LL
SOMEHOW TURN INTO A SUCCESS,
UNLESS OF COURSE, THOSE THINGS
ARE IRAQ OR AFGHANISTAN.
SO, SPACEX BEGAN WITH A BIG
GAMBLE, HAD A FLIRTATION WITH
DISASTER, AND THEN BECAME A
MASSIVE SUCCESS.
AND THAT PATTERN PERSISTED WITH
TESLA.
THAT COMPANY WAS FUNDED, IN
PART, BY PRE-SELLING CARS TO
FUTURE OWNERS -- ONLY TO RUN
INTO REPEATED PRODUCTION DELAYS
AND SPIRALING COSTS.
JUST WATCH MUSK AT ONE MEETING
OF THOSE EARLY BUYERS, WHERE HE
TOLD THEM THAT THE PRICE HAD
GONE UP, ON THE CARS THEY'D
ALREADY BOUGHT.
>> WE TOOK FAITH IN YOU, AND NOW
YOU'RE JUST TURNING AROUND AND
CHANGING THE PRICE ON US, NOT
TELLING US, AND THEN WE FIND OUT
ABOUT IT BACKWARDS, AND NOW,
WELL, KIND OF -- EVERYONE'S HURT
BECAUSE WE WEREN'T TOLD.
>> WE CAN'T SELL CARS FOR, YOU
KNOW, LESS THAN THEY COST US TO
PRODUCE.
IF ANYTHING, WHAT WE HAD, MORE
THAN THAT OCCURRED, THEN IT WAS
AN ACCIDENT --
>> WELL, THAT'S WHY THERE WAS A
BUNCH OF COMMENTS AFTER IT THAT
ALL GOT --
>> OKAY.
THERE SEEMED TO BE A LITTLE BIT
OF ANGER FROM SOME PEOPLE IN THE
ROOM WHO FELT THAT WE'D KIND OF
DONE A BAIT AND SWITCH.
AND I MEAN, THAT'S SORT OF A
LITTLE BIT TRUE THAT THERE WAS A
BIT OF A BAIT AND SWITCH.
I MEAN, IT'S -- THAT'S, I MEAN,
KIND OF WHAT HAPPENED.
THAT WAS VERY TOUGH.
>> John: YEAH, YOU CAN SEE HOW
BAITING CUSTOMERS WITH ONE PRICE
AND SWITCHING IT FOR ANOTHER
MIGHT BE CONSIDERED A
BAIT-AND-SWITCH.
THERE'S ACTUALLY A GREAT ECON
BOOK ON THE SUBJECT, ENTITLED
"WORDS MEAN WHAT WORDS MEAN."
AND YET, TESLA'S NOW A BIG
SUCCESS, WITH FACTORIES ON THREE
CONTINENTS DELIVERING OVER A
MILLION VEHICLES A YEAR.
MEANWHILE, SPACEX IS CURRENTLY
VALUED AROUND $150 BILLION,
MAKING IT ONE OF THE MOST
VALUABLE PRIVATE COMPANIES IN
THE WORLD.
ALTHOUGH IT'S WORTH NOTING --
HIS BOLDNESS SOMETIMES COMES
WITH A TENDENCY TO OVERPROMISE,
AND SHOW OFF PRODUCTS LONG
BEFORE THEY'RE READY.
LIKE IN 2019, WHEN MUSK DECIDED
TO DEMONSTRATE HOW
INDESTRUCTIBLE HIS NEW
CYBERTRUCK WAS, BY HAVING ITS
CHIEF DESIGNER CHUCK A STEEL
BALL AT ITS WINDOW.
>> FRANZ, COULD YOU TRY TO BREAK
THIS GLASS, PLEASE?
[CHEERS]
>> YEAH.
>> SURE.
>> YEAH.
>> OH MY FUCKING GOD.
WELL, MAYBE THAT WAS A LITTLE
TOO HARD.
[LAUGHS]
>> John: YEAH, NOT GREAT.
BUT ALSO, KIND OF CHARMING!
I'LL BE HONEST, THERE'S
SOMETHING I KIND OF LIKE ABOUT
THE CYBERTRUCK.
I MEAN, I DON'T WANT TO OWN ONE,
OR DRIVE NEAR ONE, IT'S
BASICALLY A 7,000 POUND
SMUSHED-UP REFRIGERATOR MOVING
AT 60 MILES PER HOUR, BEING
DRIVEN BY, ODDS ARE, A REAL
PIECE OF SHIT.
BUT THERE'S SOMETHING APPEALING
ABOUT A MAN SO PASSIONATE ABOUT
HIS IDEA THAT HE'S WILLING TO
IGNORE QUESTIONS ABOUT
AESTHETICS, PERFORMANCE,
DURABILITY, PRACTICALITY,
SAFETY, AND WHO ON EARTH
ACTUALLY WANTS TO SPEND UP TO
$100,000 TO DRIVE EVERY CHILD'S
FIRST ATTEMPT AT DRAWING A CAR,
AND BUILD IT ANYWAY.
AND THAT'S NOT HIS ONLY
EMBARRASSING PRODUCT LAUNCH.
TWO YEARS AGO, HE INTRODUCED A
TESLA ROBOT BY SHOWCASING A
PROTOTYPE THAT WAS JUST A DANCER
IN A ROBOT BODYSUIT, AND IT WAS
EXACTLY AS DUMB AS THAT SOUNDS.
♪ ♪
>> John: I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT.
APPARENTLY, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO
TO LAUNCH A ROBOTICS COMPANY IS
INVEST IN A SPANDEX BODYSUIT AND
A DANCER.
SO WITH THAT IN MIND: BEHOLD MY
NEW CREATION!
♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THE ROBOT RACE IS ON, ELON!
THE RACE IS ON!
LOOK AT HIM GO!
OKAY, OKAY, ENOUGH!
ENOUGH, ENOUGH!
YOU CAN POWER DOWN.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
BUT LOOK, EMBARRASSING MOMENTS
ASIDE, THERE'S A LOT TO LIKE
ABOUT ELON'S COMPANIES.
SPACEX HAS MADE REAL
ACHIEVEMENTS, LIKE REUSABLE
ROCKET TECHNOLOGY AND MAKING
SPACE EASIER AND MORE AFFORDABLE
TO ACCESS.
AND TESLA HAS PUSHED AUTOMAKERS
TO TAKE ELECTRIC CARS SERIOUSLY
IN A WAY THAT WOULD HAVE SEEMED
IMPOSSIBLE 20 YEARS AGO.
BUT AS ONE OF ELON'S CRITICS
POINTS OUT, THERE ARE COSTS TO
THAT PROGRESS THAT OFTEN GET
OVERLOOKED.
>> IS ELON MUSK A NET POSITIVE
FOR SOCIETY?
I WOULD ARGUE HE IS.
I THINK THE EV RACE IS A GREAT
THING.
SPACE EXPLORATION IS REALLY
HOPEFUL AND JUST KIND OF
INSPIRING.
THE PROBLEM IS WITH THE WORD
NET, AND THAT IS ONCE WE DECIDE
AN INDIVIDUAL OR A COMPANY IS A
NET GOOD FOR SOCIETY, WE DON'T
WANT TO HOLD HIM OR THE COMPANY
ACCOUNTABLE FOR ANYTHING.
>> John: RIGHT.
EVEN IF YOU THINK ELON IS A
"NET POSITIVE," IT DOESN'T MEAN
WE SHOULDN'T TALK ABOUT THE HARM
HE'S DOING ALONG THE WAY.
AND LET'S START WITH HIS
EMPLOYEES, MANY OF WHOM HAVE
CALLED ELON A NIGHTMARE TO WORK
FOR.
AND NOT JUST AT TWITTER, WHERE
HE FIRED MOST OF THE STAFF AND
ORDERED THE REST TO WORK IN
QUOTE, "EXTREMELY HARDCORE"
MODE.
HE'S BEEN LIKE THIS AT EVERY
COMPANY, AS THIS EARLY
EMPLOYEE AT SPACEX WILL ATTEST.
>> IT WAS NOT UNUSUAL TO HAVE A
PHONE CALL FROM HIM AT 3 IN THE
MORNING ON YOUR CELL PHONE, YOU
BETTER, BY GOD TO HAVE THAT NEXT
TO YOUR BED TO ANSWER.
HE'S JUST GONE INTO YELLING FITS
AGAINST ME AND TELLING ME I'M
STUPID AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M
TALKING ABOUT, AND I'VE SEEN HIM
DO IT TO OTHER VERY INTELLIGENT
PEOPLE.
SO HE'LL DEFINITELY FIND YOUR
WEAKNESS IN YOUR PERSONALITY, IN
YOUR -- IN YOUR CHARACTER, IN
YOUR -- IN YOUR SPIRIT, AND I
WOULDN'T SAY EXPLOIT IT, BUT
YOU'LL -- YOU'LL DEFINITELY
CRACK.
>> John: WELL, THAT SOUNDS
UNPLEASANT!
NOT JUST YOUR BOSS CALLING TO
ABUSE YOU, BUT BECAUSE THERE ARE
ONLY TWO REASONS SOMEONE SHOULD
BE CALLING YOU AT 3 IN THE
MORNING AND THEY'RE: BECAUSE A
LOVED ONE IS HAVING AN EMERGENCY
AND NEEDS YOUR HELP OR YOUR
HOUSE IS ON FIRE, AND EVEN
THEN, THAT COULD'VE BEEN A TEXT.
AND THE DAMAGE ISN'T JUST
EMOTIONAL.
WORKERS AT HIS FACTORIES
COMPLAIN OF IMMENSE PRESSURE AND
UNREALISTIC DEADLINES.
A REPORT A FEW YEARS AGO ON HIS
TESLA FACTORY IN FREMONT,
CALIFORNIA FOUND EMPLOYEES
COMPLAINING THAT STYLE AND SPEED
TRUMPED SAFETY, AND THAT WORKERS
THERE HAD BEEN SLICED BY
MACHINERY, CRUSHED BY FORKLIFTS,
BURNED IN ELECTRICAL EXPLOSIONS,
AND SPRAYED WITH MOLTEN METAL.
ONE WORKER CLAIMED THAT SHE HAD
BEEN TOLD ELON DIDN'T WANT
SIGNS, OR ANYTHING YELLOW LIKE
CAUTION TAPE, IN THE FACTORY.
WHICH ISN'T GOOD, BECAUSE
CAUTION TAPE IS IMPORTANT.
IT LETS PEOPLE KNOW SOMETHING
MIGHT BE DANGEROUS AND UNSTABLE,
LIKE A SKULL AND CROSSBONES ON A
BOTTLE OR THIS JACKET ON A
MIDDLE-AGED MAN.
NOW, TESLA DOES DENY THAT -- BUT
ITS CLAIMS ABOUT ITS FACTORIES
CAN BE HARD TO VERIFY.
EVEN WHEN REGULATORS TRY TO GET
INVOLVED AT MUSK'S COMPANIES,
THEY CAN BE STRONGLY RESISTED.
FOR EXAMPLE, HIS NEVADA
GIGAFACTORY AT ONE POINT DENIED
ENTRY TO STATE OSHA INSPECTORS
FOR NEARLY THREE MONTHS.
WHICH IS RIDICULOUS.
THE WORD "GIGAFACTORY" ALONE
SHOULD BE ENOUGH TO WARRANT AN
IMMEDIATE INSPECTION.
BUT IT'S NOT JUST WORKERS WHO
MUSK IS WILLING TO PUT AT RISK.
SOMETIMES IT'S HIS OWN
CUSTOMERS.
HE'S LONG BEEN DEVELOPING
SELF-DRIVING CAR TECHNOLOGY, AND
HAS SOMETIMES KNOWINGLY
EXAGGERATED ITS CAPABILITIES.
THE TWO PIECES OF SOFTWARE
AVAILABLE ARE CALLED "AUTOPILOT
AND FULL SELF-DRIVING," BUT
DESPITE THEIR NAMES, NEITHER
SYSTEM CAN DRIVE A CAR ON ITS
OWN.
YET, IN THIS 2016 AD, IT APPEARS
TO BE DOING JUST THAT --
AMPLIFIED BY THE INTRODUCTORY
TEXT ELON PERSONALLY ASKED FOR,
WHICH READS "THE CAR IS DRIVING
ITSELF."
BUT THAT WAS EXTREMELY
MISLEADING.
IT WAS DRIVING ALONG A
PRE-PLANNED ROUTE.
IT WAS ONLY "SELF-DRIVING" THE
WAY YOUR NANA SELF-DRIVES
HERSELF UP AND DOWN THE STAIRS.
AND TESLA WILL NOTE, THEY TELL
DRIVERS THEY SHOULD KEEP THEIR
HANDS ON THE WHEEL AND TAKE OVER
IF ANYTHING GOES WRONG.
AND I SURE HOPE DRIVERS DO THAT,
BECAUSE HE'S BEEN INVITING THEM
TO TRY OUT "FULL SELF DRIVING"
IN BETA MODE.
BASICALLY, HAVING DRIVERS FIND
THE BUGS IN NEW SOFTWARE, EVEN
ON COMPLICATED CITY STREETS,
AND WITH PREDICTABLE RESULTS.
>> WE'RE GONNA MAKE THIS LEFT
TURN.
AND I'M GETTING HONKED AT.
I JUST -- BUT NOW IT'S JUST TURN
RIGHT.
WE'RE SUPPOSED TO GO LEFT.
>> OGAN IS NOT A PROFESSIONAL
TEST DRIVER, NOR IS HE A TESLA
EMPLOYEE.
INSTEAD, HE'S ONE OF THE OVER
50,000 CUSTOMERS THAT TESLA HAS
ALLOWED TO ACCESS FSD BETA.
>> WE JUST RAN A RED LIGHT.
WE JUST RAN A RED LIGHT.
>> John: THAT IS PRETTY ALARMING
-- ESPECIALLY THE MOMENT WHERE
YOU SEE PEOPLE PUSHING A
STROLLER WAY TOO CLOSE TO THAT
CAR.
BECAUSE EVEN IF TESLA DRIVERS
VOLUNTEERED TO TAKE PART IN THIS
HIGH STAKES EXPERIMENT, THE
PEOPLE AROUND THEM SURE DIDN'T.
NO ONE GOT A PUSH ALERT, SAYING
"HEY, TESLA HERE!
PLEASE CONSENT TO TAKE PART IN
THE BETA TEST THAT IS CURRENTLY
HURTLING TOWARDS YOU.
DO HURRY, TIME IS A FACTOR."
AND MUSK HAS TAKEN A PRETTY
BLITHE ATTITUDE TOWARD
SELF-DRIVING DEATHS.
IN 2016, WHEN CONCERNS WERE
FIRST EMERGING, HE TOLD
REPORTERS THAT "IF THEY WROTE
STORIES THAT DISSUADED PEOPLE
FROM USING AUTONOMOUS DRIVING
SYSTEMS, OR REGULATORS FROM
APPROVING THEM, "THEN THEY WOULD
BE KILLING PEOPLE."
ESSENTIALLY, ARGUING THAT ANY
DEATHS IN THE PRESENT DAY WILL
BE MORE THAN OFFSET BY LIVES
SAVED LATER.
AND JUST THIS WEEK, WHEN
"THE WASHINGTON POST" NOTED
THEY'D TALLIED ABOUT 40 FATAL OR
SERIOUS CRASHES INVOLVING
TESLA'S DRIVER ASSISTANCE
SOFTWARE, TESLA RESPONDED BY
SAYING, "WE BELIEVE IT IS
MORALLY INDEFENSIBLE NOT TO MAKE
THESE SYSTEMS AVAILABLE TO A
WIDER SET OF CONSUMERS, GIVEN
THE INCONTROVERTIBLE DATA THAT
SHOWS IT'S SAVING LIVES AND
PREVENTING INJURY."
BUT RATHER THAN PRODUCING THAT
DATA, IT PROMISED "MORE DETAILED
INFORMATION WILL BE PUBLICLY
AVAILABLE IN THE NEAR FUTURE."
WHICH, I'M SORRY, IS JUST NOT
DATA BITCH BEHAVIOR.
AND THAT'S COMING FROM TV'S
NUMBER ONE DATA BITCH.
ANYONE WHO COLLECTS
"INCONTROVERTIBLE DATA" WOULD
GIVE YOU A MORE SPECIFIC DATE
THAN "THE NEAR FUTURE."
BECAUSE DATA BITCHES, AS WE ALL
KNOW, ARE ALSO CALENDAR BITCHES.
AND LOOK -- I KNOW MYSELF.
AND LOOK, HISTORY IS LITTERED
WITH TITANS OF BUSINESS WHO WERE
SHITTY OR BROKEN PEOPLE, FROM
THOMAS EDISON THROUGH HENRY FORD
THROUGH STEVE JOBS.
THE DIFFERENCE IS, BY AND LARGE,
THEY DIDN'T OPEN UP THEIR BRAIN
TO LET THE WHOLE WORLD HAVE A
CONSTANT LOOK INSIDE.
BUT ELON DOES, AND THE GLIMPSES
WE GET CAN BE TERRIFYING.
AND THAT BRINGS US BACK TO
TWITTER.
MUSK HAS BEEN A HEAVY USER FOR
YEARS, PUTTING OUT CLASSIC
TWEETS LIKE "I PUT THE ART IN
FART," "69 DAYS AFTER 4/20 AGAIN
HAHA" AND "TECHNICALLY, ALCOHOL
IS A SOLUTION," WHICH
TECHNICALLY, ISN'T A JOKE.
AND HIS BIOGRAPHER WILL TELL YOU
HE'S ADDICTED TO THE APP TO A
GENUINELY PROBLEMATIC EXTENT.
>> ONE DAY HE WAS TRAVELING WITH
A FRIEND, ANTONIO GRACIAS, AND
MUSK HAD KEPT TWEETING LATE AT
NIGHT, DOING THESE RIDICULOUS
TWEETS, SOMETIMES VERY HARMFUL
ONES.
AND SO, THE FRIEND SAID, "LET ME
TAKE YOUR PHONE AND I'M GOING TO
PUT IT IN THE SAFE HERE IN THE
HOTEL ROOM."
FRIEND PUNCHES IN THE CODE AND
HE SAID, "THAT WAY YOU CAN'T USE
IT LATE AT NIGHT."
AT 3 IN THE MORNING, MUSK CALLS
HOTEL SECURITY TO GET HIM TO
OPEN THE SAFE AND HE STARTS
DOING TWEETS.
HE WAS ADDICTED TO TWEETING.
>> John: LOOK, I'M SURE WHEN THE
AVERAGE SECURITY GUARD IS CALLED
UP TO A BILLIONAIRE'S HOTEL ROOM
AT 3:00 A.M., THEY HAVE A LIST
OF THINGS TO EXPECT, AND IT
BEGINS AND ENDS WITH
"DEAD BODY."
SO IT MUST HAVE BEEN A PLEASANT
SURPRISE WHEN HE WHEELED AN
EMPTY GARBAGE BIN INTO THE ROOM
ONLY TO FIND ELON MUSK PUNCHING
RANDOM NUMBERS INTO HIS HOTEL
SAFE BECAUSE HE JUST THOUGHT OF
"I PUT THE ART IN FART" AND THE
WHOLE WORLD SIMPLY HAD TO KNOW.
AND LOOK, ELON'S TWEETS WERE
NEVER THAT GREAT.
NOT LIKE MINE, OF COURSE, WHICH
ARE BANGER AFTER BANGER AFTER
BANGER AFTER CERTIFIED BANGER.
I DON'T MISS.
BUT IN RECENT YEARS, THEY'VE
TAKEN A TURN TOWARD THE NASTY
AND CONSPIRATORIAL, GETTING
INCREASINGLY INTO THE REALM OF
RIGHT-WING TROLLS.
AND MANY POINT TO ONE PARTICULAR
MOMENT AS THE TURNING POINT --
THE PANDEMIC LOCKDOWNS.
>> IN CALIFORNIA, 40 MILLION
RESIDENTS ARE IN LOCKDOWN --
>> AT THE TIME, THE GOVERNMENT
HAD ORDERED MUSK TO CLOSE HIS
TESLA FACTORIES IN CALIFORNIA.
>> I MEAN, HE WAS PISSED THAT
HIS FACTORIES WERE FORCED TO
CLOSE.
>> YES, ULTIMATELY, YES.
THAT'S THE THING.
HE WANTED THEM THERE AND HE
WANTED THEM WORKING.
HE THOUGHT IT WAS AN EXISTENTIAL
CRISIS IF TESLA DIDN'T SUCCEED.
HE REALLY -- FOR THE WORLD, FOR
ALL OF US.
AND THEN IT GOT WEIRD.
>> FREE AMERICA NOW.
GIVE PEOPLE THEIR FREEDOM BACK!
HOSPITALS IN CALIFORNIA HAVE
BEEN HALF EMPTY THIS WHOLE TIME.
NOW GIVE PEOPLE BACK THEIR
FREEDOM.
>> MUSK TOLD HIS EMPLOYEES THAT
HE INTENDED TO DEFY ORDERS AND
GO TO WORK.
>> CEO ELON MUSK TWEETED, "I
WILL BE ON THE LINE WITH
EVERYONE ELSE.
IF ANYONE IS ARRESTED, I ASK
THAT IT ONLY BE ME."
>> John: OKAY, WHAT THAT REALLY
DRIVES HOME IS JUST HOW
DIFFERENT MUSK IS FROM THE REST
OF US, BECAUSE THERE'S "RICH AND
DETACHED," AND THEN THERE'S
"I'VE ASKED THE COPS NOT TO
ARREST ANYONE ELSE SO WE SHOULD
BE GOOD" RICH AND DETACHED.
AND, LOOK, A LOT OF OUR BRAINS
GOT A BIT BROKEN DURING THE
PANDEMIC.
I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE THAT
IT'D BE REALLY COOL IF THE
ENTIRETY OF THE "PANDEMIC
CHAPTER" IN FUTURE HISTORY
TEXTBOOKS SIMPLY READ "WEIRD
TIME, HAD TO BE THERE, WE DID
OUR BEST."
BUT ELON DIDN'T CHANNEL HIS
ANXIETY IN ONE OF THE NORMAL
WAYS LIKE SPRAYING GROCERIES
WITH DISINFECTANT, GETTING
REALLY INTO SOURDOUGH
BREAD-BAKING, OR TRACKING DOWN
AND PURCHASING ONE-OF-A-KIND RAT
EROTICA.
YOU KNOW, NORMAL STUFF WE ALL
DID.
INSTEAD, HIS BRAIN BROKE IN THE
DIRECTION OF RIGHT-WINGERS WHO
WERE LOUDLY OPPOSING THE
SHUTDOWNS.
AND ONCE HE STARTED SIDING WITH
THEM OVER THOSE COMPLAINTS, HE
FOUND HIMSELF SYMPATHIZING WITH
THEIR BROADER CONCERNS ABOUT A
"WOKE MIND VIRUS," AND THAT THEY
WERE BEING MOCKED,
SHADOW-BANNED, AND GENERALLY
DISRESPECTED BY TWITTER.
AND SINCE HE WAS ALSO THE
RICHEST MAN IN THE WORLD, HE
COULD FIX ALL THIS BY SIMPLY
BUYING THE WHOLE THING, WHICH IS
WHAT HE THEN DID.
AND I DON'T HAVE TIME TO RUN
THROUGH EVERY BAD DECISION HE'S
MADE AT TWITTER -- ALTHOUGH,
REAL QUICK: HE CUT ABOUT 80%
OF THE STAFF, DISSOLVED
THE "TRUST AND SAFETY" COUNCIL,
BLEW UP THE VERIFICATION SYSTEM,
EXERCISED THE SAME CENSORSHIP HE
CLAIMED TO BE AGAINST,
REACTIVATED THE ACCOUNTS OF
VARIOUS WHITE SUPREMACISTS,
RELEASED "THE TWITTER FILES" --
IN WHICH HE BASICALLY MISTOOK
THE EMAILS OF VARIOUS FECKLESS
LEFT-LEANING TECH WEENIES
STRUGGLING WITH THE IMPOSSIBLE
JOB OF CONTENT MODERATION FOR A
VAST ELITE CONSPIRACY TO SILENCE
RIGHT WING DIPSHITS -- CHANGED
THE NAME TO X, PUT A GIGANTIC
"X" ON THE BUILDING WHICH HE
THEN TOOK DOWN, AND, JUST THIS
WEEK, REVERSED HIS EARLIER
DECISION AND LET ALEX JONES BACK
ONTO THE SITE.
A DECISION THAT'S BEEN MET WITH
RESOUNDING PRAISE FROM "BIG LOUD
FUCKS" QUARTERLY.
AND NOTABLY, HIS TIME IN CHARGE
OF TWITTER HAS SEEN A RISE IN
UNPLEASANT RHETORIC FROM MUSK
HIMSELF -- INCLUDING BOOSTING A
TRANSPHOBIC DOCUMENTARY SAYING,
"EVERY PARENT SHOULD WATCH
THIS," RESPONDING "INTERESTING"
TO A TWEET READING, "BLACKS KILL
EACH OTHER.
WHITES KILL THEMSELVES," AND
BOOSTING THIS "OFFICE" MEME
FALSELY IMPLYING THERE HAD BEEN
A COVERUP ABOUT PIZZAGATE.
I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS POSSIBLE,
BUT IT GENUINELY MAKES ME MISS
THE MAN WHO ONCE POSTED "SEND ME
YOUR DANKEST MEMES" AND THIS
PICTURE OF A TURTLE ON WHEELS
WITH THE MESSAGE, "SCIENCE HAS
GONE TOO FAR."
AND WHILE ELON WILL DISPUTE THAT
THERE'S BEEN A RISE IN HATE
SPEECH ON THE PLATFORM, OR THAT
HE'S PANDERED TO WHITE
NATIONALISTS, YOU KNOW WHO
DISAGREES WITH HIM ON THAT?
WHITE NATIONALISTS.
JUST LISTEN TO NICK FUENTES,
TELLING RICHARD SPENCER
EVERYTHING ELON HAS DONE FOR
THEIR MOVEMENT.
>> IT'S ONLY BEEN A YEAR SINCE
MUSK ACQUIRED TWITTER, WHICH IS
NOT REALLY A LONG TIME.
AND THE CHANGES DIDN'T EVEN
BEGIN TO ROLL OUT UNTIL LESS
THAN A YEAR AGO.
AND YET THE CHANGE HAS BEEN
DRAMATIC, HOW MUCH THE WINDOW
HAS SHIFTED NOTICEABLY ON ISSUES
LIKE WHITE IDENTITY, WHICH
APPARENTLY IS SUDDENLY
MAINSTREAM.
IT WASN'T FOR A LONG TIME.
IT SEEMED LIKE CHARLIE KIRK SAID
ONE OR TWO THINGS ABOUT IT LAST
YEAR, AND THEN THIS YEAR, NOW
EVERYONE'S A WHITE NATIONALIST.
NOW EVERYONE'S A WHITE
IDENTITARIAN.
YOU OPEN UP ONE OF THE SOCIAL
PLATFORMS.
IT'S SO HOT, IT'S SO FAST.
IT CHANGES PUBLIC OPINION
VIRTUALLY OVERNIGHT, AND -- AND
REALLY IN OUR FAVOR.
>> John: WOW.
ALL OF THAT'S HORRIFYING, BUT
THE USE OF THE TERM "WHITE
IDENTITARIAN," IS JUST NOT
FOOLING ANYONE.
THAT'S WHAT THE WORD "RACIST"
WRITES ON A JOB APPLICATION TO
MAKE IT SOUND LIKE IT WENT TO
COLLEGE.
AND THE FACT ELON SEEMS TO BE
GETTING INCREASINGLY RADICALIZED
IS A BIG PROBLEM, BECAUSE WE'VE
PUT A LOT OF POWER INTO HIS
HANDS -- AND MORE THAN YOU MAY
REALIZE.
REMEMBER WHEN I SAID NO ONE IS
TAKING THE BIG SWINGS HE IS?
THAT INCLUDES THE GOVERNMENT.
AND OVER THE YEARS, THAT MEANS A
LOT OF THINGS THIS COUNTRY
RELIES ON HAVE BEEN OUTSOURCED
TO MUSK.
EVERY DAY MUSK'S COMPANIES
CONTROL MORE OF THE INTERNET,
POWER GRID, TRANSPORTATION
SYSTEM, OBJECTS IN ORBIT, THE
NATION'S SECURITY INFRASTRUCTURE
AND ITS ENERGY SUPPLY.
TO TAKE JUST ONE EXAMPLE: SPACEX
HAS NOW PUT MORE THAN 4,500
STARLINK SATELLITES INTO ORBIT,
MEANING THAT MUSK'S COMPANY NOW
ACCOUNTS FOR OVER HALF OF ALL
ACTIVE SATELLITES.
AND THAT PUTS THE U.S.
GOVERNMENT IN A BIT OF A BIND --
JUST WATCH A NATIONAL SECURITY
COUNCIL SPOKESMAN TRY TO EXPLAIN
WHY IT WOULDN'T BE ACTING IN
RESPONSE TO ELON'S BOOSTING OF
THAT "GREAT REPLACEMENT THEORY"
TWEET.
>> THERE'S INNOVATION OUT THERE
IN THE PRIVATE SECTOR THAT WE'D
BE FOOLISH TO -- TO WALK AWAY
FROM.
I'M NOT AWARE OF ANY SPECIFIC
EFFORTS TO ADDRESS -- TO ADDRESS
OUR CONCERNS OVER HIS RHETORIC,
BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT WE
ACCEPT OR AGREE WITH OR CONDONE
IN ANY WAY THAT ANTISEMITIC
RHETORIC THAT HE PUSHED.
>> John: YEAH, WE'RE NOW AT THE
POINT WHERE THE GOVERNMENT IS
EXPLICITLY SAYING, "WE'VE CHOSEN
TO LOOK THE OTHER WAY ON THE
ANTI-SEMITISM THING," OR AS IT'S
MORE COMMONLY KNOWN, A DADDY'S
HOME 2.
AND THE PROBLEM ISN'T JUST THE
OPTICS OF HAVING SOMEONE AS
ERRATIC AS ELON IN CHARGE OF
HALF THE WORLD'S SATELLITES --
HIS OPINIONS CAN CHANGE THE
SHAPE OF WORLD EVENTS.
WHEN RUSSIA INVADED UKRAINE, ONE
OF THEIR FIRST ACTIONS WAS TO
SEVER ITS INTERNET ACCESS.
MUSK, TO HIS CREDIT, AGREED TO
PROVIDE UKRAINE ACCESS TO HIS
STARLINK NETWORK, AND DONATED
HARDWARE, ENABLING THEM TO REACH
THE INTERNET VIA SATELLITE.
AND THEY WERE GRATEFUL.
>> LIEUTENANT TARAS BEREZOVETS
IS A SPOKESMAN FOR UKRAINE'S
MILITARY.
HE TOLD US STARLINK IS CRUCIAL
FOR COMMANDING TROOPS ON THE
BATTLEFIELD.
>> SPACEX, ELON MUSK.
>> WE'VE BEEN SO GRATEFUL TO
SPACEX AND TO ELON MUSK.
WITHOUT STARLINK, NONE OF OUR
OFFENSIVES WOULD BE SO
SUCCESSFUL.
>> John: IT'S TRUE.
THE UKRAINIAN MILITARY WAS
GRATEFUL TO SPACEX AND ELON
MUSK, WHICH IS ONE OF THOSE
HEADLINES THAT EVEN A FEW YEARS
AGO WOULD HAVE SOUNDED
IMPOSSIBLE LIKE PANERA BREAD'S
LEMONADE LINKED TO SECOND DEATH
AND HENRY KISSINGER: FINALLY
DEAD.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
AND BY THE WAY, I THINK IT'S THE
LEMONADE THAT GOT HIM.
BUT AS TIME WENT ON, ELON TOYED
WITH THE IDEA OF WITHDRAWING
STARLINK'S SERVICE, COMPLAINING
THAT THE COST WAS TOO HIGH --
EVEN AS HE SEEMED INCREASINGLY
RUSSIA-FRIENDLY.
AT ONE POINT, HE SAID RUSSIA
SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO ANNEX
UKRAINIAN LAND, AND TWEETED A
PROPOSED PEACE PLAN THAT WOULD
ESSENTIALLY JUST GIVE RUSSIA
EVERYTHING THEY WANTED.
PERHAPS MOST NOTABLY, HE REFUSED
A UKRAINIAN REQUEST TO ACTIVATE
STARLINK IN CRIMEA, ENABLING
THEM TO LAUNCH AN ATTACK ON
RUSSIAN SHIPS -- REPORTEDLY
BECAUSE A RUSSIAN OFFICIAL
WARNED HIM THAT COULD LEAD TO A
NUCLEAR RESPONSE.
AND I GUESS THAT MUST BE TRUE.
WHAT ARE RUSSIAN OFFICIALS GONNA
DO?
LIE TO AN EASILY FLATTERED CEO
TO GET EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANT?
NO, I DON'T SEE IT.
AND LOOK, ELON STILL INSISTS
THAT HE'S PRO-UKRAINE, AND...
OKAY.
BUT U.S. OFFICIALS ARE NOW IN
THE AWKWARD POSITION OF HAVING
TO DEFER TO HIM ON POLICY.
ONE PENTAGON SPOKESMAN EVEN SAID
HE'D LET A REPORTER INTERVIEW AN
OFFICIAL ONLY IF MUSK GAVE
PERMISSION, SAYING, "WE'LL TALK
TO YOU IF ELON WANTS US TO."
WHICH ISN'T GREAT!
"BEFORE I RESPOND ON BEHALF OF
THE MIGHTIEST MILITARY ON EARTH,
LET ME JUST RUN THIS UP THE
CHAIN AND MAKE SURE IT'S COOL
WITH ADMIRAL DANK MEMES 420."
ELON MUSK COULDN'T HAVE
HUMILIATED THE PENTAGON ANY MORE
IF HE HAD OPENED UP HIS OWN
BUILDING NEXT DOOR CALLED "THE
HEXAGON: THE PENTAGON THAT
FUCKS."
NOW, THE PENTAGON HAS SINCE
SIGNED A CONTRACT WITH STARLINK
TO TAKE OVER CERTAIN SERVICES
AND RELY LESS ON MUSK'S WHIM.
BUT EVEN ELON'S OWN BIOGRAPHER
HAS EXPRESSED UNEASE ABOUT HOW
IMPORTANT HE'S BECOME.
>> SO HOW DOES ELON FEEL ABOUT
HAVING THIS MUCH GLOBAL POWER?
>> YOU KNOW, HE SAYS TO ME, "HOW
AM I IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS?"
BUT FRANKLY, HE LOVES IT.
HE LOVES DRAMA.
HE LOVES BEING THE EPIC HERO.
I THINK IT IS A LITTLE BIT
DANGEROUS, BECAUSE HE LOVES IT
TOO MUCH.
>> John: WAIT, HE "LOVES DRAMA?"
I'M REALLY NOT COMFORTABLE WITH
ONE OF THE MOST POWERFUL PEOPLE
ON EARTH BEING SUMMED UP THE
SAME WAY YOU'D DESCRIBE
ANDY COHEN ON NEW YEAR'S EVE.
[LAUGHTER]
LOOK, THE FACT IS, WHETHER WE
LIKE IT OR NOT, AND THE ANSWER
IS ABSOLUTELY NOT, A HUGE NUMBER
OF VERY IMPORTANT THINGS GOING
FORWARD ARE GOING TO DEPEND ON
HOW ELON IS FEELING.
WHICH IS A TERRIFYING THING TO
SAY ABOUT ANYONE, BUT ESPECIALLY
THIS GUY.
SO WHAT CAN BE DONE?
WELL, IT'S ACTUALLY SIMPLE: WE
JUST CREATE A ROBUST
INFRASTRUCTURE ECONOMY THAT CAN
RESIST EASY MONOPOLIZATION BY
PRIVATE FIRMS HEADED BY
OVERCONFIDENT BILLIONAIRES, AND
WE DO IT ABOUT 15 YEARS AGO.
TWO PROBLEMS WITH THAT: ONE,
TIME MACHINES DON'T EXIST.
AND TWO, THE ONLY PERSON WITH
THE RESOURCES AND AMBITION TO
BUILD ONE IS THE LAST GUY YOU'D
WANT TO DO THAT, BECAUSE HE'D
PROBABLY USE IT TO GO BACK IN
TIME AND HIGH-FIVE BABY HITLER.
AND LOOK, I'LL BE HONEST.
MY FEELINGS ABOUT ELON CHANGED A
BIT IN THE WRITING OF THIS
PIECE.
I'M PROBABLY NOW MORE IMPRESSED
BY WHAT HE'S DOING, BUT MORE
WORRIED BY THE FACT HE'S THE ONE
WHO'S BEEN DOING IT.
BECAUSE HE CULTIVATES AN IMAGE
THAT HE'S SIMPLY TOO VISIONARY,
TOO ORIGINAL TO PLAY BY OTHER
PEOPLE'S RULES, AND HE WAVES
AWAY THE DAMAGE HE DOES AS THE
COST OF INNOVATION AND SAVING
HUMANITY.
BUT THE TRUTH IS, THAT WAY OF
THINKING ISN'T REMOTELY
ORIGINAL.
WE'VE SEEN IT SO MANY TIMES
BEFORE.
THE LEAST SURPRISING THING ON
EARTH IS A MIDDLE-AGED
BILLIONAIRE CEO WITH
SELF-SERVING LIBERTARIAN VIEWS,
INCREASINGLY RACIST POLITICS,
AND A MESSIAH COMPLEX.
AND IT'S LONG PAST TIME HE FACED
THE KIND OF ACCOUNTABILITY THAT
SHOULD COME WITH THAT -- NOT
JUST FROM THE ECHO CHAMBER HE
BOUGHT HIMSELF ONLINE -- BUT
FROM EVERYONE WHOSE LIVES ARE
VERY MUCH AFFECTED BY HIM.
AND I KNOW ELON MIGHT BE UNHAPPY
WITH THIS PIECE.
HE MIGHT EVEN PERMANENTLY DELETE
MY TWITTER ACCOUNT, WHICH IS
FINE BY ME; AFTER ALL, WHEN THIS
ABSOLUTE TREASURE IS GONE,
ELON'S THE ONE WHO WILL HAVE TO
EXPLAIN WHY TO THE EARTH.
AND HE MIGHT WELL SAY, HE'S
SAVING HUMANITY -- WHAT HAVE I
EVER DONE?
WHAT INDUSTRIES HAVE I
REVOLUTIONIZED?
WELL, I ADMIT, NOTHING YET, BUT
MAY I REMIND YOU: I'VE ALREADY
TAKEN THE FIRST STEP TOWARD
BUILDING A ROBOT EMPIRE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪
BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP YOUR
METAL GODS!
BOUNCE, BOUNCE, BOUNCE, BOUNCE!
AND NOW, THIS.
>> Announcer: AND NOW,
PEOPLE ON TV DO NOT UNDERSTAND
THIS HOLIDAY DESSERT.
>> I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER
TASTED FRUIT CAKE.
>> NO, I HAVEN'T.
I DID ONCE AND I NEVER WILL
AGAIN.
>> THERE YOU GO.
>> I TRIED THE FRUITCAKE ONCE
AND I WAS LIKE WHY, WHY?
I -- I DON'T GET IT.
>> HAVE YOU EVER HAD GOOD
FRUITCAKE?
>> I'VE HEARD THEY EXIST.
>> THE FRUITCAKE THEY WOULD MAKE
WOULD LAST UNTIL JULY 4TH.
>> IT'S A NUCLEAR WAR FOOD.
I PUT IT IN THE CATEGORY WITH
TWINKIES.
IT CAN SURVIVE ANYTHING, AND
BECAUSE OF THAT I DON'T WANT
TO EAT IT.
>> I DON'T KNOW, I THINK PEOPLE
DO THAT, I THINK THEY DO.
I THINK THEY NO ONE'S GOING TO
EAT IT.
>> HERE'S WHAT YOU DO WITH
FRUITCAKE, YOU MAKE IT AND THEN
YOU PUT IT IN THE GARBAGE.
>> I MEAN, WHO BUYS THAT?
>> I DON'T KNOW, BUT STOP IT.
>> WHAT EXACTLY IS POUND CAKE?
>> DELICIOUS.
>> REALLY?
>> WHAT YOU MEAN BY REALLY?
>> IS THAT ONE WITH THE FRUIT,
GELLED INSIDE OF IT?
>> NO, THAT'S FRUITCAKE.
>> OH, NO, THAT'S TRASH.
>> John: MOVING ON.
AS I SAID, THIS IS OUR FINAL
EPISODE OF THE YEAR, AND WE HAD
A LOT OF FUN.
WE TALKED ABOUT EVERYTHING FROM
DOLLAR STORES TO McKINSEY TO WHY
RON DeSANTIS SHOULDN'T BE
PRESIDENT, WHICH SEEMED AT THE
TIME LIKE AN IMPORTANT THING
TO DO, ALTHOUGH HE'S NOW MAKING
THAT ARGUMENT PRETTY EFFECTIVELY
HIMSELF.
WE MADE OUR OWN EPISODE OF
THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE, WHICH
MEANT OUR STAFF COULD PLAY WITH
TRAINS FOR A WEEK.
WANDA JO CAME BACK TO HELP ME
START A TIMESHARE EXIT COMPANY
EXIT COMPANY.
WE HID AN ENTIRE EPISODE ON
CHUCK E CHEESE INSIDE AN EPISODE
ABOUT HOMEOWNERS ASSOCIATIONS --
WHICH YOU CAN STILL WATCH AT
LastSqueakTonight.com.
I SET FIRE TO A LETTUCE FOR
REASONS I DON'T FULLY REMEMBER.
WE CHALLENGED AN AUSTIN, TEXAS
PLUMBING COMPANY TO CREATE AN AD
BASED ON THE MOVIE "MAGNOLIA"
AND THEY FUCKING DELIVERED ON
THAT CHALLENGE.
AND WE ANNOUNCED PLANS TO STEAL
THE "STEAMBOAT WILLIE" MICKEY
MOUSE AHEAD OF HIM ENTERING
PUBLIC DOMAIN NEXT YEAR, WHICH
WAS A LITTLE LEGALLY DICEY.
AND SPEAKING OF WHICH, HEY,
MICKEY?
>> Mickey: YEAH?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> John: DID DISNEY EVER SUE US
OVER THAT?
>> Mickey: NOPE!
>> John: SO, SHOULD WE TAKE THAT
AS A GREEN LIGHT THAT WE CAN DO
WHATEVER WE WANT WITH YOU IN THE
FUTURE?
>> Mickey: I DON'T SEE WHY THE
FUCK NOT!
>> John: OH, THAT'S GOOD NEWS,
BUDDY!
AND OF COURSE, WE ENTERED
NEW ZEALAND'S BIRD OF THE
CENTURY CONTEST, AND GOT
HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE
TO WRITE THE PUTEKETEKE INTO THE
BIRD HISTORY BOOKS FOREVER.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
BY THE WAY, I'M EXCITED TO
SAY OUR GIANT PUTEKETEKE PUPPET
IS GOING TO NEW ZEALAND TO BE
PUT ON DISPLAY THERE.
WE DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHERE YET,
BUT WE DO KNOW AIR NEW ZEALAND
HAS OFFERED TO FLY IT FOR FREE.
SO LET ME JUST APOLOGIZE IN
ADVANCE TO ALL OF ITS SEATMATES.
THAT'S GOING TO BE A ROUGH
FLIGHT FOR ALL OF YOU.
BUT THIS WAS ALSO A WEIRD YEAR
FOR US.
BECAUSE, AS YOU MAY'VE NOTICED,
WE WERE OFF THE AIR FOR FIVE
STRAIGHT MONTHS, AS -- FOR 148
DAYS -- ALL 13 OF OUR WRITERS
WERE ON STRIKE, AND WE TRULY,
SINCERELY MISSED EIGHT OF THEM.
AND WHILE I'M HAPPY THE WRITERS
GUILD EVENTUALLY GOT A GOOD
CONTRACT, I'M A LITTLE
DISAPPOINTED THE STRIKE MEANT WE
COULDN'T DO SOME OF THE STORIES
WE'D PLANNED.
ALTHOUGH, I WILL SAY, IN SOME
CASES I WAS ACTUALLY PRETTY
GRATEFUL A STORY DIDN'T RUN.
LIKE THE ONE WE'D PLANNED FOR
IN MAY, ABOUT HOW THE FUTURE OF
PRIVATE UNDERSEA EXPLORATION IS
THE TITAN SUBMERSIBLE.
THAT COULD'VE DATED PRETTY
BADLY, SO I'M GLAD IT DIDN'T
HAPPEN.
BUT THERE WERE OTHERS I REALLY
WISH WE COULD'VE AIRED, LIKE OUR
PIECE ON PET INSURANCE, OR ELDER
ABUSE IN DENTISTRY, OR FLOORS.
THE BUTTS OF HOUSES.
WE ALL HAVE FLOORS BUT MOST OF
US THINK ABOUT THEM SO LITTLE
THAT YOU DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE
THAT'S NOT A FLOOR.
THAT'S A CEILING, YOU IDIOTS!
I GOT YOU!
I GOT YOU SO GOOD!
THERE WERE SO MANY STORIES WE
COULDN'T DO, AND WHILE I CAN'T
RECAP THEM ALL, I'LL TRY AND
KNOCK OUT A FEW AS QUICK AS I
CAN.
THERE WAS BEE THEFT: BEEHIVES
HAVE BEEN STOLEN ACROSS THE
COUNTRY.
THEY'RE VALUABLE BECAUSE OF HOW
CRITICAL BEES ARE IN POLLINATING
CALIFORNIA'S ALMOND CROPS.
AND THE FACT BEES ARE ALL BUT
UNTRACEABLE MAKES BEE THEFT A
LUCRATIVE CRIME.
THERE WAS DESIGNER DOGS -- WHY
RICH PEOPLE LIKE MAKING GOLDEN
RETRIEVERS AND POODLES FUCK.
THAT ONE WOULD HAVE ENDED WITH A
LIVE DOG ORGY ON STAGE.
WE STILL HAD THE ORGY, WE JUST
DIDN'T DO THE SHOW.
BLOOD ORANGES.
SPOILER ALERT: THEY'RE NOT
CALLED THAT BECAUSE OF THEIR
INSIDES.
THE STATUE OF LIBERTY.
SHE ACTUALLY COUGHED ONCE IN
1967 AND NO ONE IS TALKING ABOUT
IT.
WE HAD A WHOLE STORY ON
UNILEVER.
ONE COMPANY MAKES MAYONNAISE,
Q-TIPS, AND KLONDIKE BARS?
THAT'S FUCKED UP, PROBABLY.
HONESTLY, WE NEVER REALLY GOT TO
THE BOTTOM OF THAT ONE, AND NOW
WE NEVER WILL.
AND FINALLY, HEADLIGHTS.
YOU'RE NOT WRONG, THEY ARE
ACTUALLY BRIGHTER NOW, FOR
REASONS INCLUDING THE RISE IN
THE USE OF BLUER LED LIGHTS AND
ISSUES WITH HEADLIGHT AIM AND
ALIGNMENT, ALL OF WHICH MAKES
EVERYONE DRIVING AT NIGHT FEEL
AT BEST BLIND AND, AT WORST,
COMPLETELY INSANE.
WE PLANNED TO MOTIVATE LAWMAKERS
TO MOVE FASTER TO ADDRESS THIS
BY POINTING BLINDING FLOODLIGHTS
AT CONGRESSIONAL OFFICES, BUT
WE RAN OUT OF TIME AND MONEY AND
ALSO, LEGAL FLAGGED THAT MOVE AS
"TERRORISM."
[LAUGHTER]
SADLY, NONE OF THOSE STORIES
WILL SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY.
AND IF YOU'RE THINKING --
"COME ON, JOHN, COULDN'T YOU
JUST DO THEM NEXT SEASON?"
NO, WE CAN'T, BECAUSE
UNFORTUNATELY, WE HAVE A
TRADITION OF SHREDDING
ALL OUR SCRIPTS AT THE END OF
EVERY YEAR AND STARTING OVER
FRESH.
OUR PROCESS IS OUR PROCESS.
BUT WITH THAT, THAT'S IT.
ALL THAT'S LEFT TO DO AT THE END
OF THIS, OUR TENTH SEASON, IS
TO SAY GOODBYE TO OUR GIANT
PUPPET.
SAFE TRAVELS, MY FRIEND!
SAFE TRAVELS TO YOU!
WE'LL MISS YOU, BUT YOU'RE GOING
WHERE YOU BELONG.
AND REMEMBER, YOU'LL ALWAYS BE
NEW ZEALAND'S BIRD OF THE
CENTURY, WHETHER THEY LIKE IT OR
NOT.
BUT THAT IS IT!
THANK YOU SO MUCH TO EVERYONE
FOR WATCHING THIS YEAR!
THANK YOU TO OUR STAFF FOR
WORKING SO HARD.
WE'LL BE BACK NEXT FEBRUARY.
AND WE'LL SEE YOU THEN.
GOOD NIGHT!
FLY AWAY!
PUTEKETEKE!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪