♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> John: WELCOME, WELCOME,
WELCOME TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT!"
I'M JOHN OLIVER.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING
US.
IT HAS BEEN A BUSY WEEK, FROM A
MASSIVE BRIDGE COLLAPSING IN
BALTIMORE, TO SAM BANKMAN-FRIED
GETTING SENTENCED TO 25 YEARS IN
PRISON.
ARE THESE TWO EVENTS RELATED?
EXPERTS SAY "NO," BUT GIVEN
ENOUGH TIME, MORONS CAN FIND A
PATH TO "MAYBE."
[LAUGHTER]
AND IN CALIFORNIA, THIS
HAPPENED.
>> AFTER RECEIVING A REQUEST BY
THE LEGO COMPANY, THE MURRIETA
POLICE DEPARTMENT HAS AGREED TO
STOP ALTERING THEIR MUGSHOT
PHOTOS WITH LEGO HEADS.
[LAUGHTER]
>> John: WOW.
THAT'S SHOCKING FOR A NUMBER OF
REASONS.
ONE, THAT THEY WERE DOING IT.
AND TWO, THAT LEGO WAS MAD AT
THEM.
BECAUSE IT'S ONE OF THE MOST
PRO-COP TOY FRANCHISES I'VE EVER
SEEN.
IT'S NOT JUST THE LEGO POLICE
STATION, THERE'S THE LEGO POLICE
CAR AND HELICOPTER, THE POLICE
TRAINING ACADEMY, THE POLICE
MOBILE CRIME LAB TRUCK, THE
POLICE BIKE AND CAR CHASE SET,
THE MOBILE POLICE DOG TRAINING
CENTER, AND OF COURSE, LEGO
PRISON ISLAND.
IN FACT, IF I WERE SOMEONE AT
LEGO -- AND, COMMON
MISCONCEPTION, I'M ACTUALLY NOT,
STOP ASKING, WE'RE COUSINS --
I'D HAVE JUST PRETENDED THAT
MURRIETA PD'S ACTIONS WERE PART
OF A VIRAL MARKETING STUNT
PROMOTING THE ALL-COP DYSTOPIA
LEGO'S CLEARLY TRYING TO DREAM
INTO EXISTENCE.
NOW, THE REASON THEY WERE
OBSCURING ARREST PHOTOS WITH
LEGO HEADS HAS TO DO WITH A 2021
STATE LAW THAT GENERALLY
PROHIBITS LOCAL LAW ENFORCEMENT
FROM SHOWING MUGSHOTS OF PEOPLE
ARRESTED FOR NON-VIOLENT CRIMES.
WHICH MAKES SENSE, ESPECIALLY
GIVEN AN ARREST DOESN'T
NECESSARILY MEAN GUILT.
BUT INSTEAD OF JUST STOPPING,
THE MURRIETA POLICE OPTED TO
THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX, FOR THE
DUMBEST POSSIBLE REASON.
>> AT FIRST THEY STARTED USING
EMOJIS, EVEN SHREK MADE AN
APPEARANCE IN ONE POST.
SO WHY THEN USE LEGO HEADS?
>> A LITTLE OF FUN, GET SOME
ATTENTION, YOU KNOW, GAME THE
SOCIAL MEDIA ALGORITHMS,
GENERATE SOME ATTRACTION, LIKES,
FOLLOWS, STUFF LIKE THAT.
>> John: BUT THAT'S NOT THE
POLICE'S JOB.
AT ALL.
THERE'S A REASON THEY HAVE
MOTTOS LIKE "TO PROTECT AND
SERVE" AND NOT "TO PROTECT,
SERVE, AND GET TO ONE MILLION
FOLLOWERS, PLEASE HIT LIKE AND
SUBSCRIBE!"
AND, LOOK, I COULD SPEND THE
REST OF THIS SHOW ON LEGO POLICE
MISCONDUCT, BUT INSTEAD, WE'RE
GOING TO TURN TO DONALD TRUMP,
WHO'S HAD A ROUGH RUN IN THE
COURTS LATELY -- BETWEEN THE
E. JEAN CARROLL DEFAMATION
JUDGMENT AND NEW YORK STATE'S
FRAUD CASE, HE'S ON THE HOOK FOR
OVER HALF A BILLION DOLLARS.
BUT EVEN THAT DOESN'T CAPTURE
THE FULL EXTENT OF THE FINANCIAL
DAMAGE.
APPARENTLY, SINCE LEAVING
OFFICE, HE'S SPENT MORE THAN
$100 MILLION ON LEGAL BILLS
ALONE, WHICH AVERAGES MORE THAN
$90,000 A DAY, NONE OF IT PAID
FOR WITH HIS OWN MONEY.
IN FACT, A LOT HAS COME FROM
HIS SUPPORTERS, BECAUSE HE'S
REPEATEDLY USED HIS LEGAL
TROUBLES AS A PRETEXT TO ASK FOR
DONATIONS, INCLUDING THIS PLEA
ON TUESDAY.
>> WE'RE FIGHTING, WE'RE
WINNING, YOU SEE WHAT'S GOING
ON, SO WHATEVER YOU CAN DO TO
HELP FINANCIALLY WOULD BE
FANTASTIC, BECAUSE WE HAVE TO
BEAT IT.
IF IT'S $5 OR $10 OR $100,
WHATEVER YOU CAN DO.
>> John: THAT'S A MAN WHO TALKS
NONSTOP ABOUT HOW HE'S ONE OF
THE RICHEST MEN ON EARTH,
BEGGING STRANGERS FOR MONEY IN A
HOSTAGE VIDEO THAT LOOKS LIKE IT
WAS FILMED IN A HOUSE HAUNTED BY
THE WORLD'S TACKIEST GHOSTS.
BUT PLEADING FOR CASH ISN'T HIS
ONLY FUNDRAISING TACTIC.
HE'S ALSO BEEN HAWKING NEW
PRODUCT LINES, FROM A TRUMP
BIBLE, TO TRUMP COLOGNE, WHICH
COMES IN A BOTTLE THAT LOOKS
LIKE THE AWARD YOU'D GIVE OUT
FOR "LEAST," TO TRUMP SNEAKERS,
WHICH, WHILE SAYING NOTHING OF
HOW THEY LOOK, AREN'T EVEN THAT
COMFORTABLE.
AND THE REASON I KNOW THAT IS --
NO WAY, I'M NOT A FUCKING IDIOT.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
BUT THAT'S JUST THE BEGINNING.
ON THE TRUMP STORE WEBSITE,
YOU'LL FIND SO MUCH MORE, FROM
THE TRUMP MINI-SPEAKER, WHICH I
ASSUME IS WAY TOO LOUD AND NEVER
DIES, TO THE GOLD TRUMP EARBUDS
CASE, WHICH DOES SOLVE A PRETTY
COMMON ISSUE: YOU KNOW HOW YOU
CAN NEVER TELL WHICH AIRPODS ARE
YOURS AND WHICH ARE YOUR
FRIEND'S BECAUSE THE CASES ALL
LOOK THE SAME?
WELL, IF YOU GET THESE, YOU LOSE
ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS INSTANTLY!
PROBLEM SOLVED.
BUT THOSE PRODUCTS AREN'T GOING
TO GET HIM NEAR THE HALF A
BILLION HE NEEDS.
WHAT MIGHT, THOUGH, IS A
DEVELOPMENT THAT TOOK PLACE THIS
WEEK, REGARDING HIS SOCIAL-MEDIA
SITE, TRUTH SOCIAL.
IT WAS CREATED TO BASICALLY BE A
RIGHT-WING VERSION OF TWITTER,
BEFORE TWITTER ESSENTIALLY
BECAME THAT ITSELF.
AND IT'S A PRETTY CLEAR RIPOFF.
USERS HAVE A PROFILE, THEY CAN
FOLLOW ONE ANOTHER, POST
"TRUTHS" OR "RETRUTHS," AND ADS
ARE CALLED "SPONSORED TRUTHS."
AND THAT IS JUST A DEEPLY
DYSTOPIAN PHRASE.
IT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING
GEORGE ORWELL TYPED INTO THE
FIRST DRAFT OF "1984" BEFORE
THINKING "THAT'S A LITTLE ON THE
NOSE."
TRUTH SOCIAL IS OWNED BY A
COMPANY CALLED "TMTG," OR
"TRUMP MEDIA AND TECHNOLOGY
GROUP," AND THIS WEEK, THE
COMPANY STARTED TO BE PUBLICLY
TRADED UNDER THE TICKER "DJT,"
WITH SHARES BLOWING PAST
EXPECTATIONS.
RIGHT NOW, IT'S VALUED AROUND
$8 BILLION, AND SINCE TRUMP OWNS
ROUGHLY 60% OF THE COMPANY, THAT
GIVES HIM NEARLY $5 BILLION ON
PAPER -- ALTHOUGH, ACCORDING TO
SEC FILINGS, HE MAY NOT BE ABLE
TO CASH THAT IN FOR AT LEAST SIX
MONTHS.
BUT THAT VALUE IS UTTERLY
DIVORCED FROM THE UNDERLYING
BUSINESS, WHICH IS A MESS.
TRUTH SOCIAL WAS THE BRAINCHILD
OF THESE TWO GUYS, BOTH OF WHOM
WERE FAILED CONTESTANTS ON
"THE APPRENTICE."
IN FACT, WHEN TRUMP GOT RID OF
THIS GUY, HE MADE IT ABUNDANTLY
CLEAR HOW LITTLE HE THOUGHT OF
HIM.
>> ANDY.
YOU'RE JUST BEING POUNDED ON.
YOU'RE BEING OUT-DEBATED.
I JUST DON'T WANT SOMEBODY
RUNNING ONE OF MY COMPANIES
THAT'S GOING TO GET BEATEN UP SO
BADLY.
YOU'RE FIRED.
[LAUGHTER]
>> John: NOW, I KNOW THAT SOUNDS
HARSH, BUT YOU SHOULD KNOW: THE
CHALLENGE IN THAT EPISODE WAS
DESIGNING A NEW PEPSI BOTTLE,
AND THIS IS WHAT HIS TEAM CAME
UP WITH.
IT LOOKS LIKE A GLOBE WEARING A
GIRDLE.
IT LOOKS LIKE A TROPHY YOU WIN
AT THE GEOGRAPHY BEE.
IT'S THE WORST IDEA PEPSI'S EVER
BEEN ASSOCIATED WITH, AND I'LL
REMIND YOU, THEY HAD A
COMMERCIAL WHERE KENDALL JENNER
USED PEPSI TO SOLVE RACISM.
INCIDENTALLY, BOTH THOSE GUYS
HAVE SINCE BEEN PUSHED OUT OF
TRUTH SOCIAL -- AFTER, AS THEY
CLAIM IN A LAWSUIT, TRUMP
PRESSURED ONE OF THEM TO HAND
OVER SOME OF HIS SHARES TO
MELANIA.
AND YOU SHOULD KNOW THE
FINANCIALS FOR THE COMPANY ARE A
WRECK.
IT'S LOST $57 MILLION SINCE ITS
INCEPTION, AND WON'T RELEASE
USER DATA, EVEN THOUGH THAT'S
THE KEY METRIC FOR SOCIAL MEDIA
COMPANIES.
IT ALSO HAD TO REFILE ITS
FINANCIAL STATEMENTS WITH THE
SEC AFTER IT PUT ITS REVENUE IN
THE WRONG LINE IN AN EXCEL
SPREADSHEET.
[LAUGHTER]
NOW, THE SITE DOES SELL SOME
ADS, OR "SPONSORED TRUTHS," BUT
THE ONLY COMPANIES WILLING TO DO
THAT ARE PRETTY MUCH THE ONES
YOU'D EXPECT.
THERE'VE BEEN ADS FOR A KID'S
GUIDE TO FIGHTING SOCIALISM,
ANTI-WOKE LIFE INSURANCE,
IVERMECTIN, THE OFFICIAL PILLOW
OF STORMING THE CAPITOL, AND
THIS BEAR WHO RECENTLY LOST
CUSTODY OF THE TWINS.
AND ONE OF THE REASONS THEY
CAN'T GET BIGGER ADVERTISERS MAY
BE BECAUSE THERE JUST AREN'T
THAT MANY PEOPLE ON THE PLATFORM
TO ADVERTISE TO.
TRUTH SOCIAL'S ESTIMATED TO HAVE
JUST UNDER HALF A MILLION
MONTHLY ACTIVE USERS IN THE U.S.
ON iPHONES AND ANDROID DEVICES,
COMPARED TO 75 MILLION ON
TWITTER, AND 142 MILLION ON
FACEBOOK.
BUT EVEN THAT NUMBER IS
SHRINKING, AS ITS MONTHLY ACTIVE
USERS ARE LESS THAN HALF WHAT
THEY WERE A YEAR AGO.
AND YET, ITS STOCK IS TRADING
INCREDIBLY HIGH, BECAUSE TRUMP
SUPPORTERS BELIEVE BUYING IT IS
A WAY TO SIMULTANEOUSLY OWN THE
LIBS, GIVE TRUMP MONEY, AND,
THEY'D ARGUE, MAKE A PROFIT
THEMSELVES.
HERE ARE TWO CONSERVATIVES ON A
PODCAST, GAMING IT ALL OUT.
>> ALL OF TRUMP'S SUPPORTERS
RIGHT NOW --
>> ARE GONNA BUY THE STOCK.
>> THEY DON'T NEED TO DONATE TO
TRUMP, BECAUSE THE PURCHASE OF A
SINGLE SHARE DRIVES THE VALUE
UP, SO IT'S AN INTERESTINGLY --
I DON'T -- I DON'T -- I DON'T
KNOW --
>> IT'S A WAY TO HELP HIM
INDIRECTLY.
>> INDIRECTLY, BUT IT'S NOT JUST
THAT.
IF THEY -- IF SOMEONE BOUGHT --
IF SOMEONE DONATED TO TRUMP $50,
HE WOULD HAVE THAT $50.
BUT IF SOMEONE BUYS THE SHARE
AND MILLIONS OF PEOPLE ARE
BUYING SHARES, IT'S DRIVING THE
PRICE HIGHER AND HIGHER AND
HIGHER.
>> THAT MAY HAVE A BIGGER
IMPACT, YEAH.
>> A MUCH BIGGER IMPACT.
TRUMP -- TRUMP COULD THEN
OFFLOAD A SMALLER PORTION OF
SHARES FOR A MASSIVE AMOUNT OF
MONEY, RELATIVE TO WHAT PEOPLE
ACTUALLY BOUGHT SHARES FOR.
[LAUGHTER]
>> John: YOU GOTTA LOVE DUDES.
IN A WAY, THEY ARE RIGHT.
TRUTH SOCIAL IS BASICALLY A MEME
STOCK NOW, AND ITS PRICE HAS
RISEN BASED ON THE SAME
PRINCIPLE BEHIND MEME STOCKS
LIKE GAMESTOP OR AMC -- IF
ENOUGH INVESTORS BUY SHARES,
THEY CAN DRIVE THE PRICE UP, AND
EVERYONE CAN SOMEHOW GET OUT
BEFORE THE BUBBLE BURSTS.
BUT THE GAMESTOP MOVEMENT WAS AT
LEAST NOMINALLY ABOUT WRESTING
FINANCIAL POWER AWAY FROM SHITTY
RICH ASSHOLES AND RESTORING IT
TO THE LITTLE GUY, WHEREAS THIS
MOVEMENT IS ABOUT FUNNELING THE
LITTLE GUY'S MONEY DIRECTLY TO
THE SHITTIEST RICH ASSHOLE THERE
IS.
AND IT'S BEING PUSHED THE SAME
WAY AS OTHER MEME STOCKS,
THROUGH SOCIAL MEDIA POSTS LIKE
THIS ONE THAT SAYS "IF YOU LOVE
AMERICA BUY DJT NOW," OR THIS
ONE READING "STAY CALM AND BUY
MORE $DJT," TO MY PERSONAL
FAVORITE, THIS ONE THAT PROMOTES
THE STOCK ALONGSIDE AN
EAGLE-SHAPED ERECTION THAT
JIZZES GLITTER.
WHICH MAKES SENSE, I SUPPOSE.
TRUTH SOCIAL IS KIND OF LIKE A
PENIS, IN THAT A LOT OF SAD MEN
ON THE INTERNET SPEND THEIR TIME
LYING ABOUT HOW BIG IT IS.
AND WHAT IT CAN DO FOR YOU.
[LAUGHTER]
AND, LOOK, WHO KNOWS EXACTLY
WHERE THIS WILL GO?
TRUTH SOCIAL'S VALUE COULD
COLLAPSE WHEN PEOPLE REALIZE
THEY'VE POURED BILLIONS OF
DOLLARS INTO A POTATO WITH THE
WORDS "SOCIAL MEDIA" PAINTED ON
IT.
ALTHOUGH, IF THAT HAPPENS, I'M
GUESSING SPEED WILL HAVE ALREADY
CASHED OUT, LEAVING HIS
SUPPORTERS HOLDING THE BAG, BUT
IT'S ALSO POSSIBLE HE BECOMES
PRESIDENT AGAIN AND HOLDS ONTO
THE PLATFORM AS A CONVENIENT WAY
FOR COMPANIES AND FOREIGN
INTERESTS TO FUNNEL MONEY INTO
HIS POCKETS, WHICH THEY ALL KNOW
HE NEEDS.
BUT THE BOTTOM LINE IS, THIS
YEAR MORE THAN EVER,
EVERYTHING TRUMP DOES IS GOING
TO BE A CASH GRAB.
THIS YEAR HAS BROUGHT ONE OF THE
FEW TIMES HE'S ACTUALLY BEEN
ASKED TO PAY THE PRICE FOR HIS
ACTIONS, BUT ALREADY HE'S GOT
OTHER PEOPLE FOOTING THE BILL.
HE'S MONETIZING HIS BAD BEHAVIOR
IN A WAY PERHAPS BEST SUMMED UP
BY THIS T-SHIRT HIS CAMPAIGN'S
SELLING FOR $36, WITH HIS
MUGSHOT AND THE WORDS
"NOT GUILTY," AND I'M AFRAID
THERE'S JUST NO WAY TO PUT A
PRETTY FACE ON THAT, SHORT OF
MAYBE SLAPPING A LEGO HEAD ON
IT.
AND NOW, THIS.
>> Announcer: AND NOW,
GARTH BROOKS' FACEBOOK VIDEOS
ARE A PORTRAIT OF A VERY STRANGE
MAN.
>> I GUESS IT'S OFFICIAL.
WE ARE NOW ON FACEBOOK.
WHEN I THINK ABOUT THINGS I WANT
TO POST, I WANT TO POST COOL
STUFF, SLICK STUFF, NEAT STUFF.
BUT MOST STUFF I'M GOING TO POST
IS GOING TO BE RAW STUFF LIKE
THIS.
THIS IS JUST WHO I AM.
WHEW!
ALL RIGHT.
WHEN DO WE START?
WE ARE ON?
YES!
I JUST HOPE THE PEOPLE THAT GET
IN, I HOPE THEY FEEL IT WAS
WORTH IT.
SPEAK OF THE GUYS CAME IN TODAY
AND FOUND ME IN THE STUDIO ON
THE FLOOR.
I WAS OUT COLD.
THEY WOKE ME UP ABOUT AN HOUR
AGO.
SORRY FOR HOW I LOOK.
I DON'T THINK YOU'LL EVER SEE ME
LOOK AS BAD AS THIS.
LIVING HERE, IT'S GREAT.
CRIED ALL DAY, LEFT ALL DAY.
>> WE ARE STAYING TOGETHER
BACKSTAGE.
>> [SCATTING]
>> IS WHAT HAPPENED TONIGHT WAS
ANY SIGN OF WHAT'S GOING HAPPEN
IN 2020, IT'S GOING TO BE THE
BEST YEAR YET FOR US.
[LAUGHTER]
>> John: MOVING ON.
OUR MAIN STORY TONIGHT CONCERNS
FOOD DELIVERY.
THE THING THAT CAN TURN A
LETHALLY DEPRESSING SATURDAY
NIGHT INTO A LETHALLY DEPRESSING
SATURDAY NIGHT WITH PAD THAI.
[LAUGHTER]
SPECIFICALLY, WE'RE GOING TO
TALK ABOUT FOOD DELIVERY APPS.
YOU'RE PROBABLY FAMILIAR WITH
THEM, WHETHER YOU'RE A USER, OR
A VIEWER OF THEIR CONSTANT ADS,
FEATURING EVERYONE FROM
JENNIFER ANISTON, TO BIG BIRD,
TO THIS UBER EATS SUPER BOWL ONE
STARRING NONE OTHER THAN DIDDY.
AND I'M GUESSING UBER EATS MIGHT
BE REGRETTING THAT LAST ONE
RIGHT NOW.
THEY'VE EVEN RELEASED ADS FOR
SPECIAL OCCASIONS, LIKE THIS.
>> WHAT ARE YOU EATING THIS
PRIDE?
WELL, IF YOU'RE A TOP, IT SEEMS
LIKE YOU CAN EAT WHATEVER YOU
WANT.
BUT IF YOU'RE A BOTTOM, YOU'RE
EXPECTED TO STARVE?
NOT THIS PRIDE.
INTRODUCING THE BOTTOM FRIENDLY
MENU FROM POSTMATES.
>> HUH?
>> John: THAT'S A REAL AD
FOR A BOTTOM FRIENDLY MENU FROM
POSTMATES, FEATURING AN EGGPLANT
IN LEATHER FETISH GEAR, LOOKING
LIKE A CHARACTER FROM
"VEGGIETALES" WHO ESCAPED THEIR
EVANGELICAL UPBRINGING AND FOUND
HAPPINESS.
AND, BY THE WAY, IT'S GOOD TO
SEE THE PEACH FROM "CALL ME BY
YOUR NAME" STAYING BOOKED AND
BUSY.
GAY PARTS SHOULD GO TO GAY
ACTORS.
BUT EVEN BEYOND UNSOLICITED SEX
DIET TIPS, PEOPLE USE DELIVERY
APPS FOR ALL SORTS OF REASONS --
AND SOME, VERY GOOD, AS THIS
DRIVER FOR DOORDASH EXPLAINS.
>> IT'S ALL -- IT'S ALL SORTS,
THE AVERAGE CUSTOMER, IT'S LIKE,
IT'S NOT LIKE A BUNCH OF LAZY
PEOPLE.
IT'S -- A LOT OF PEOPLE NEED
THIS BECAUSE THEY'RE TOO BUSY
WITH KIDS, OR THEY DON'T HAVE A
LICENSE FOR WHATEVER REASON.
PEOPLE ALSO THAT ARE JUST DRUNK
OR STONED, AND THEY DON'T WANT
TO DRIVE.
THEY'RE ACTUALLY BEING
RESPONSIBLE, AND THEY DON'T WANT
TO DRIVE AND GET THE FOOD
THEMSELVES.
SO, I'LL DELIVER TO THEM.
YOU KNOW, THERE'S PLENTY OF
TIMES I'LL COME TO A DOOR AND
THE DOOR WILL OPEN AND SO MUCH
POT SMOKE WILL COME OUT, AND THE
PERSON'S EYES ARE, LIKE, SUPER
RED.
AND I LOVE THAT.
I THINK THAT'S SO FUNNY.
IT'S LIKE, SOME GUY.
HE'S, LIKE, COLLEGE AGE, AND
HE'S JUST LIKE, "OH, THANK GOD.
THE FOOD'S HERE."
>> John: YEAH, I LOVE THAT, TOO!
AND I KNOW THAT MIGHT BE HARD TO
BELIEVE FROM ME, SOMEONE WHO
LOOKS LIKE HE'S ONLY EVER
CONFISCATED WEED.
BUT I'M ALL ABOUT THE STICKY
ICKY.
I'M LIKE MISS PIGGY THE WAY I'M
HITTIN' THAT GREEN.
EVEN NOW, I'M AS HIGH AS A
GIRAFFE'S ASSHOLE, AND AS SPACED
OUT AS A 9TH GRADER'S ESSAY
TRYING TO MEET THE PAGE LIMIT.
I GET IT, OKAY?
BUT EVEN IF YOU'RE NOT STONED,
THESE APPS ARE INCREDIBLY
CONVENIENT.
AND, THE TRUTH IS, IF YOU
WEREN'T USING THEM BEFORE 2020,
YOU ALMOST DEFINITELY HAVE
SINCE.
BECAUSE, EARLY ON IN COVID,
AFTER IN-PERSON DINING SHUT
DOWN, THEIR GROWTH SKYROCKETED.
SALES FOR DELIVERY APPS NEARLY
DOUBLED, AND HAVEN'T GONE DOWN
SINCE.
THESE APPS BASICALLY HAD THE
KIND OF METEORIC PANDEMIC-ERA
RISE THAT SKYPE ABSOLUTELY
THOUGHT THEY WERE IN FOR.
AND WHAT HAPPENED, SKYPE?
YOU HAD IT, AND YOU LOST IT.
WE USED TO USE "SKYPE" AS A VERB
TO MEAN "TO VIDEO CALL SOMEONE,"
RATHER THAN WHAT IT MEANS NOW:
TO COMPLETELY FUCK UP THE
EASIEST OPPORTUNITY IMAGINABLE.
THE PANDEMIC TRULY WAS A
WATERSHED MOMENT FOR DELIVERY
APPS, AND THEY MARKETED
THEMSELVES HEAVILY AS THE
SAVIORS OF THE RESTAURANT
INDUSTRY.
>> RESTAURANTS ARE OUR FAMILY.
THE CORNERSTONES OF OUR
COMMUNITIES.
AND OUR FAMILY NEEDS HELP.
RIGHT NOW, THEY'RE FACING A
CRISIS, AND THEY'RE COUNTING ON
YOUR TAKEOUT AND DELIVERY ORDERS
TO HELP THEM THROUGH.
BECAUSE IF WE DON'T TREAT
RESTAURANTS LIKE FAMILY TODAY,
THEY MIGHT NOT BE AROUND TO
TREAT US LIKE FAMILY TOMORROW.
GRUBHUB.
TOGETHER WE CAN SAVE THE
TOGETHER WE CAN HELP SAVE THE
RESTAURANTS WE LOVE.
>> John: WOW, THAT HITS ALL THE
CHECK MARKS OF EVERY
PANDEMIC-ERA AD.
SOFT, TWINKLY PIANO MUSIC?
CHECK.
AN ECLECTIC CROSS-SECTION OF
RACES, AGES, ETHNICITIES, AND
GENDERS?
CHECK.
A VAGUE THREAT THAT, IF WE DON'T
PARTICIPATE IN CAPITALISM, THE
THINGS WE HOLD NEAR AND DEAR
WILL BE DESTROYED?
CHECKITY-CHECK.
BUT EVEN AS OUR USAGE OF THESE
APPS HAS INCREASED, THERE'S BEEN
A RISING CHORUS OF CRITICISM
REGARDING THEIR BUSINESS MODELS,
PERHAPS SUMMED UP BEST BY THIS
NEW YORK CITY COUNCIL MEMBER.
>> WHEN YOU SEE SOMETHING THAT
SUCKS THE BLOOD OUT OF ANYTHING,
YOU CALL THEM LEECHES.
AND THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT GRUBHUB
IS.
>> John: IT'S TRUE!
WHEN YOU SEE SOMETHING THAT
SUCKS THE BLOOD OUT OF ANYTHING,
YOU DO CALL THEM LEECHES.
ALSO, IF YOU SEE SOMETHING THAT
HAS 10 STOMACHS, 32 BRAINS, NINE
PAIRS OF TESTICLES, AND SEVERAL
HUNDRED TEETH, THAT'S A LEECH
TOO, BUT, ADMITTEDLY, IT DOESN'T
APPLY QUITE AS NEATLY HERE.
AND WHILE THAT MIGHT SOUND
HARSH TO YOU, IT'S NOT TOTALLY
UNFAIR.
BECAUSE FOR ALL THE CONVENIENCE
THESE APPS PROVIDE US, THE
CUSTOMERS, THEY COME WITH A HUGE
COST FOR EVERYONE ELSE INVOLVED,
FROM RESTAURANT OWNERS TO THOSE
DELIVERING YOUR FOOD.
SO, TONIGHT, LET'S TALK ABOUT
DELIVERY APPS.
AND FIRST, LET'S TALK ABOUT WHAT
FOOD DELIVERY USED TO LOOK LIKE.
PICTURE IT: IT'S 2003, AND
YOU'RE AT HOME HUNGRY AFTER A
LONG DAY OF WORK AT BLOCKBUSTER
VIDEO.
SO YOU CHECK OUT THE GIANT STACK
OF TAKE-OUT MENUS YOU KEEP IN A
DRAWER, THEN -- TRIGGER WARNING
FOR ANYONE UNDER 30 -- YOU'D
MAKE A PHONE CALL TO A
RESTAURANT, SAY YOUR ORDER OUT
LOUD TO A PERSON WHO WORKED
THERE, AND THEN A DELIVERY
WORKER, ALSO HIRED BY THE
RESTAURANT, CAME TO DROP IT OFF.
THEN YOU TIPPED, IN CASH, AND
TUNED BACK IN TO
"AMERICAN IDOL," TO WATCH THE
MOST FAMOUS PERSON IN THE WORLD:
RUBEN STUDDARD.
THE SYSTEM WAS BY NO MEANS
PERFECT, BUT RESTAURANTS MADE A
PROFIT ON YOUR ORDER, AND
DELIVERY DRIVERS WERE, AT LEAST
THEORETICALLY, PAID AS
EMPLOYEES.
BUT, OVER THE PAST DECADE, APPS
HAVE FUNDAMENTALLY SHIFTED THAT
MODEL.
NOW, THE ORDERING PART TENDS TO
TAKE PLACE VIA AN APP, WHICH
THEN CONTACTS A DELIVERY DRIVER
WHO TYPICALLY DOESN'T WORK
FOR THE RESTAURANT, WHO
TRANSPORTS THE FOOD TO YOU.
AND, TO BE FAIR, THERE'VE BEEN
SOME UPSIDES IN THIS MODEL FOR
RESTAURANTS.
>> THERE'S DEFINITELY A LOT OF
POSITIVES, AND ONE OF THEM IS
LIKE KNOWING THAT THERE'S A
DELIVERY GUY NEARBY TO PICK UP
THE FOOD, AND WE DON'T HAVE TO
HAVE SOMEONE ON STAFF.
WE WOULD NEED ABOUT 15 GUYS HERE
AT ALL TIMES.
>> John: RIGHT, BEFORE DELIVERY
APPS, THAT OWNER WOULD'VE NEEDED
FIFTEEN DELIVERY GUYS JUST
STANDING AROUND AT ALL TIMES,
WHICH HONESTLY SOUNDS LESS LIKE
A RESTAURANT AND MORE LIKE
SOMEONE DESCRIBING AN ORGY THAT
DIDN'T QUITE TAKE OFF.
AND APPS WILL POINT OUT, THEY
ALSO PUT RESTAURANTS' MENUS IN
FRONT OF HUNGRY PEOPLE, WHICH
CAN HELP THEM WITH REACHING MORE
CUSTOMERS AND GROWING REVENUE.
BUT REVENUE ISN'T THE SAME AS
PROFIT.
AND LET'S TALK ABOUT HOW,
EXACTLY, THESE COMPANIES MAKE
MONEY.
BECAUSE THEY MAKE SOME OFF THE
VARIOUS FEES THAT YOU MIGHT SEE
WHEN YOU ORDER.
BUT THEY ALSO CHARGE RESTAURANTS
15% TO 30% OF AN ORDER IN
COMMISSIONS.
AND THAT NUMBER CAN GET EVEN
HIGHER WHEN APPS CHARGE
RESTAURANTS ADDITIONAL FEES, FOR
EVERYTHING FROM BOOSTING THEIR
PLACEMENT IN THE APP TO MAKING
THEM PART OF SPECIAL PROMOTIONS.
AND, ESPECIALLY DURING THE
PANDEMIC, WHEN ONLINE ORDERS
WERE BASICALLY THE ONLY ONES
COMING IN, RESTAURANTS WHO'D
SIGNED UP FOR AN APP COULD BE
UNPLEASANTLY SURPRISED WHEN THEY
SAW JUST HOW LITTLE WAS LEFT
AFTER THE APPS HAD TAKEN THEIR
CUT.
>> WE SIGNED UP WITH THE --
DURING THIS PANDEMIC -- IT'S
JUST ANY WAY TO GET ANY INCOME,
TO HAVE CASH ON HAND TO BE ABLE
TO KEEP OUR STAFF.
>> THIS WAS GRUBHUB'S BILL TO
THE WARREN.
OUT OF TOTAL ORDERS OF MORE THAN
$16,000, GRUBHUB GAVE THE
RESTAURANT ONLY ABOUT $7,000
BACK.
>> IT WAS EQUAL TO 42% OF OUR
SALES THAT WE GOT, SO THEY TOOK
58% OF IT.
>> John: IT'S TRUE, THEY TOOK
58% OF THEIR SALES.
AND I KNOW JUST SAYING
PERCENTAGES AT YOU MIGHT NOT BE
HELPFUL, EVEN THOUGH YOU KNOW
YOU'RE WATCHING AN EPISODE
OF "NUMBERS BEING YELLED AT YOU
WITH HUMAN SQUIDWARD," BUT 58%
IS A LOT.
NOW, GRUBHUB INSISTS THAT
RESTAURANT AGREED TO THOSE FEES
UP FRONT, AND THAT 58% IS AN
OUTLIER, BUT IT'S WORTH NOTING:
"THE WASHINGTON POST" RECENTLY
RAN AN EXPERIMENT WHERE THEY
ORDERED THE SAME MEAL, FROM
THIS RESTAURANT IN
SAN FRANCISCO, ON THREE
DIFFERENT APPS.
THE MEAL ITSELF COST $20.69
BEFORE FEES, TAXES AND TIP, AND
WHEN THEY CONTACTED THE
RESTAURANT, THEY FOUND THAT, FOR
UBEREATS, THE RESTAURANT GOT
$14.48 BACK.
FOR GRUBHUB, IT GOT $12.47.
AND FOR DOORDASH, IT ONLY GOT
$10.59.
THOSE ARE "MAFIA MARGINS."
ALSO, AS QUICK SIDENOTE: WHAT A
FUN ASSIGNMENT FOR A JOURNALIST
THAT WAS!
SOMETIMES, JOURNALISTS TRACK
DOWN SOURCES OR PORE THROUGH
THOUSANDS OF PAGES OF DOCUMENTS.
OTHER TIMES, YOU GET TO ORDER
CHICKEN PARM A BUNCH OF TIMES IN
A ROW.
IT'S REALLY THE LUCK OF THE
DRAW.
BUT IT'S GOTTEN TO THE POINT
WHERE MANY RESTAURANTS HAVE
TAKEN TO INCREASING THEIR PRICES
ON THE APPS, TO AT LEAST
PARTIALLY OFFSET THOSE FEES.
THAT IS WHY YOU MAY'VE NOTICED
FOOD OFTEN COSTS MORE ON AN APP
THAN IT DOES AT THE RESTAURANT.
AND YOU MIGHT THINK, "WELL,
RESTAURANTS SHOULD JUST REFUSE
TO BE LISTED ON THESE SITES,
THEN."
BUT RESISTING THEM HASN'T ALWAYS
WORKED.
APPS HAVE REPEATEDLY ADDED
RESTAURANTS AGAINST THEIR WILL.
IN D.C. ALONE, GRUBHUB WAS
ACCUSED OF LISTING MORE THAN A
THOUSAND RESTAURANTS AVAILABLE
FOR DELIVERY THAT THEY DIDN'T
HAVE CONTRACTS WITH.
AND IF YOU'RE THINKING, "I DON'T
SEE A PROBLEM -- THEY GET TO BE
ON THE APP WITHOUT PAYING FOR
IT."
THERE ARE ACTUALLY MULTIPLE
ISSUES THERE.
NOT EVERY RESTAURANT WANTS TO DO
DELIVERY, OR IS EVEN SET UP FOR
IT.
AND GRUBHUB'S BEEN ACCUSED OF
NOT WARNING RESTAURANTS BEFORE
LISTING THEM, LEADING TO THEM
BEING SUDDENLY INUNDATED WITH
ORDERS THEY NEVER EXPECTED.
ONE IN CALIFORNIA EVEN
COMPLAINED ABOUT GRUBHUB'S
MENU LISTING "FOOD THAT IT DOES
NOT ACTUALLY MAKE, AND HAS NEVER
MADE."
BASICALLY, GRUBHUB WOULD LIST A
RESTAURANT WITHOUT ITS
PERMISSION OR KNOWLEDGE, AND
THEN MAKE MONEY BY CHARGING YOU
A HIGH DELIVERY FEE TO BRING THE
FOOD TO YOUR DOOR.
BUT THAT MIGHT PUT THE
RESTAURANT ITSELF IN A TOUGH
SPOT, BECAUSE THEY MIGHT BE
DISAPPOINTING CUSTOMERS IN WAYS
THEY DON'T EVEN REALIZE.
>> M STREET BAKING COMPANY IN
HOWELL IS OPEN FOR TAKEOUT
DURING THE PANDEMIC.
LIKE MANY RESTAURANTS, THEY WERE
APPROACHED TO JOIN GRUBHUB FOR
FOOD DELIVERY, BUT DECLINED.
>> WE FOUND OUT THAT THEY WERE
SENDING PEOPLE IN PRETENDING TO
JUST BE REGULAR CUSTOMERS, BUT
ACTUALLY WORKING FOR GRUBHUB AND
DELIVERING OUR STUFF WITHOUT OUR
KNOWLEDGE.
THEY WERE OFFERING
MILKSHAKES.
WE DON'T PUT LIDS ON OUR
MILKSHAKES BECAUSE THEY GO
DIRECTLY TO YOU.
SO NOW IT'S GOING INTO SOMEBODY
ELSE'S CAR THAT THEY COULD COUGH
ON, SNEEZE ON.
AS A BUSINESS, IF I KNEW THAT A
SECOND PARTY WAS HANDLING YOUR
FOOD, I WOULD PACKAGE YOUR
PRODUCTS PROBABLY DIFFERENTLY
THAN IF I KNEW IT WAS GOING
RIGHT TO YOU.
>> John: YEAH, OF COURSE YOU
WOULD!
AND I'M GLAD ABOUT THAT.
BECAUSE I, FOR ONE, DO NOT WANT
TO DRINK A MILKSHAKE THAT'S BEEN
RAWDOGGING THE AIR IN KYLE'S
VAPE-SMOKE-FILLED HONDA CIVIC!
AND, THE THING IS, THIS PRACTICE
HAS BEEN STANDARD IN THE
INDUSTRY RIGHT FROM THE START.
JUST LISTEN TO THE FOUNDER OF
POSTMATES TALK ABOUT THE
COMPANY'S EARLY DAYS.
>> WHEN WE LAUNCHED POSTMATES
THREE YEARS AGO, WE DID
DELIVERIES FROM CHIPOTLE'S
RESTAURANT, AND WE GOT A CEASE
AND DESIST FROM THEM.
AND THEY --
>> WHAT?
>> WE GOT A CEASE AND DESIST
FROM THEM.
AND THEY SAID, LIKE, GUYS, WE
DON'T REALLY -- WE'RE A LITTLE
BIT CONCERNED ABOUT THE FOOD
QUALITY.
>> RIGHT.
>> BUT YOU KNOW, WHAT DID WE
HAVE TO LOSE?
SO WE DECIDED TO IGNORE IT.
>> John: OH, YOU DID, DID YOU?
THAT'S FUN!
IMAGINE GETTING LECTURED ON FOOD
SAFETY BY CHIPOTLE -- THE
BIGGEST RED FLAG IMAGINABLE --
AND BLOWING THAT OFF.
ALSO, I DO WANT TO GO BACK SO
YOU CAN SEE JIM CRAMER'S
EXPRESSION THERE, BECAUSE THIS
IS THE HAPPIEST I'VE EVER SEEN
ANYONE LOOK.
HE'S POSITIVELY GIDDY AT THIS
STORY OF CORPORATE RECKLESSNESS.
HE LOOKS LIKE A KID MEETING A
DOG FOR THE FIRST TIME.
NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN HAPPIER
THAN THIS.
AND IN THE CASE OF GRUBHUB, IT'S
OCCASIONALLY ENGAGED IN TACTICS
THAT SEEM MORE LIKE A PROTECTION
RACKET.
FOR INSTANCE, IN 2020, IT
ALLEGEDLY LISTED RESTAURANTS
THAT DIDN'T PARTNER WITH THEM AS
CLOSED, OR NOT ACCEPTING ONLINE
ORDERS, EVEN WHEN THEY WERE.
WHICH FEELS ESPECIALLY SHITTY
COMING FROM THE SAME COMPANY
THAT MADE THAT AD SAYING THAT
"TOGETHER WE CAN HELP SAVE THE
RESTAURANTS WE LOVE."
I GUESS GRUBHUB JUST FORGOT TO
ADD, "AND BURN THE ONES THAT
DON'T MAKE US MONEY TO THE
FUCKING GROUND."
IT'S NO WONDER RESTAURANT OWNERS
HAVE INCREASINGLY TURNED ON
THESE APPS, LIKENING THEM TO
"A HOSTAGE SITUATION," AND
"SELLING YOUR SOUL TO THE
DEVIL."
WHICH IS, IF ANYTHING, TOO KIND.
AT LEAST WHEN YOU MAKE A DEAL
WITH THE DEVIL HE OFFERS YOU
SOMETHING COOL, LIKE A SICK
GOLDEN FIDDLE IN RETURN.
AND HE SURRENDERS, EVEN WHEN I
THINK THERE'S A PRETTY GOOD CASE
THAT HE'S THE BETTER FIDDLER.
SURE -- JOHNNY "DOES" RESIN UP
HIS BOW AND PLAY THAT FIDDLE
HARD, BUT HE'S SAMPLING OLD FOLK
SONGS -- THERE'S NOTHING
ORIGINAL THERE.
THE DEVIL, HOWEVER, IS PLAYING
AN ORIGINAL, DISSONANT
COMPOSITION, BACKED UP BY A BAND
OF DEMONS -- HE'S BRINGING WAY
MORE TO THE MUSICAL TABLE.
NOW, WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR ME
TO PLAY BOTH SIDES AND FULLY
CONVINCE YOU, BUT GO LISTEN TO
THAT SONG AGAIN AND TELL ME
YOU'RE NOT HAVING WAY MORE FUN
LISTENING TO THE DEVIL.
[LAUGHTER]
HAPPY EASTER, BY THE WAY.
[APPLAUSE]
BUT IT'S NOT JUST THE
RESTAURANTS THAT THESE APPS CAN
HARM.
IT'S ALSO THE DELIVERY WORKERS.
IN MOST PLACES, DELIVERING FOR
THESE COMPANIES IS GIG WORK --
YOU SET YOUR OWN HOURS, AND
DRIVE AS MUCH OR AS LITTLE AS
YOU CHOOSE.
AND COMPANIES HAVE SOLD THIS AS
A GREAT THING.
GRUBHUB RUNS RECRUITING SPOTS
SHOWING HAPPY PEOPLE BALANCING
CHILDCARE, CAREERS AS ARTISTS,
WITH WORKING PART-TIME DOING
DELIVERIES.
AND OTHER COMPANIES MAKE SIMILAR
CLAIMS, SOMETIMES IN WILDLY OVER
THE TOP WAYS, LIKE THE HEAD OF
DOORDASH HERE.
>> I THINK, IN MANY WAYS,
DASHERS ON DOORDASH LOOK VERY
SIMILAR TO CONSUMERS, IN THE
SENSE THAT THEY VALUE THEIR TIME
AS MUCH OR SOMETIMES MORE THAN
MONEY.
AND THEY, IN EFFECT, ARE
CHOOSING, YOU KNOW, SOME OF
THESE PART-TIME GIG
OPPORTUNITIES SO THAT THEY CAN
SAVE FOR A PROJECT, WHATEVER
THAT MAY BE, WHETHER THAT'S, YOU
KNOW, BUYING A GIFT FOR SOMEONE
OR STARTING AN ORPHANAGE.
[LAUGHTER]
>> John: WHAT DID HE JUST SAY?
"STARTING AN ORPHANAGE?"
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT?
ORPHANAGES AREN'T GENERALLY SIDE
HUSTLES.
YOU DON'T TEND TO SEE "RACHEL'S
SHELTER FOR LOOSE BABIES."
BUT I GUESS, IF YOU'RE A TECH
BRO, YOU'VE GOT IT ALL PLANNED
OUT.
FIRST YOU GET A BUNCH OF VENTURE
CAPITAL TO "DISRUPT THE
ORPHANAGE SPACE."
THEN YOU CORNER THE ORPHANAGE
MARKET, AUTOMATE IT WITH ROBOT
WORKERS TO TAKE CARE OF THE
KIDS, CREATE A RATING SYSTEM FOR
POTENTIAL ADOPTIVE PARENTS TO
RATE THE BABIES' VIBE, FIRE
BABIES WHO FAIL SAID VIBE
CHECK -- ZERO SEVERANCE,
OBVIOUSLY -- MAKE WILD CLAIMS
ABOUT FUTURE PROFITABILITY.
AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT: BOOM,
IT'S IPO TIME.
INNOVATIVE.
PROFITABLE.
ORPHANAGES.
BUT, THE TRUTH IS, FOR MANY OF
THOSE ENGAGED IN GIG WORK, IT'S
NOT A SIDE JOB.
IT'S THEIR MAIN SOURCE OF
INCOME.
AND THAT CAN BE A REAL PROBLEM
WHEN YOU CONSIDER THAT DELIVERY
APPS CLASSIFY THEIR WORKERS AS
INDEPENDENT CONTRACTORS.
MEANING, THEY HAVE TO PAY FOR
ALL THEIR OWN EXPENSES.
AND, AS THIS GUY IN NEW YORK
EXPLAINS, THAT CAN BE A LOT.
>> THE BIKE ITSELF COSTS BETWEEN
$1,800 AND $1,900, NEW.
I UPGRADED IT IN MANY WAYS, FOR
EXAMPLE, THE SEAT, THE PHONE
HOLDER, SO I CAN HAVE IT OVER
HERE.
THIS BATTERY COST ME ALMOST
$450.
SO THE TOTAL WOULD BE UP TO
$2,500, BECAUSE IF ONLY THE BIKE
COSTS $1,800, PLUS THE BATTERY,
THAT'S $2,200.
AND I HAD TO BUY THE BACKPACK,
BECAUSE THE COMPANIES DON'T GIVE
YOU ONE.
AND A HELMET, BECAUSE THEY DON'T
GIVE YOU ONE, EITHER.
>> John: LOOK, THAT'S ALL
RIDICULOUS, BUT THE BACKPACK
MIGHT BE THE MOST EGREGIOUS PART
THERE.
THIS IS A BACKPACK YOU CAN'T USE
FOR ANYTHING ELSE.
IMAGINE USING IT FOR SCHOOL.
UNLESS YOU'RE A SECOND GRADER
WHO SHOWS UP EVERY DAY WITH A
SOCIAL STUDIES BOOK, A PB&J,
AND 13 ORDERS OF PAD KEE MAO, IT
DOESN'T REALLY WORK.
BUT THE EXPENSES ARE JUST THE
BEGINNING HERE.
WORKERS ARE ALSO AT THE MERCY OF
THE APPS' OPAQUE ALGORITHMS,
WHICH ARE USED TO DICTATE SPEED,
BEHAVIOR, AND ULTIMATELY THE
WAGES OF WORKERS.
MANY APPS SET UP A GAMELIKE
SYSTEM OF REWARDS AND PENALTIES,
OFFERING HIGH SCORES FOR BEING
ON TIME, AND LOW SCORES AND
FEWER ORDERS FOR TARDINESS.
AND, OF COURSE, A SIGNIFICANT
PART OF THAT SYSTEM IS NEGATIVE
REVIEWS.
YOU MIGHT THINK A BAD REVIEW IS
GOING TO A RESTAURANT OR THE APP
ITSELF, BUT ALL WORKERS KNOW:
GETTING ONE CAN SEVERELY
RESTRICT YOUR OPTIONS GOING
FORWARD.
IN FACT, JUST A FEW NEGATIVE
RESPONSES HAVE THE POWER TO DRY
UP WORKER INCOME OR EVEN GET
THEM BOOTED OFF THE PLATFORM
ALTOGETHER.
AND THOSE WHO'VE STUDIED THIS
WILL TELL YOU -- THAT DYNAMIC IS
A SIGNIFICANT PROBLEM.
>> MUCH OF REPUTATION SYSTEMS
WERE PUT IN PLACE IN ORDER TO
GIVE CONSUMERS REVIEWS OF
PRODUCTS.
THAT DOESN'T TRANSFER WELL
TO WORKERS DETERMINING WHETHER
WE GOT A GOOD COFFEE.
THAT PLACE WHERE THERE'S
SLIPPAGE BETWEEN A PRODUCT AND A
PERSON'S LABOR IS DANGEROUS.
>> WE'LL REPLACE THE TYRANNY OF
THE BOSS WITH TYRANNY OF AN
ALGORITHM, AND THAT IS MUCH
WORSE, I WILL TELL YOU.
AS A COMPUTER SCIENTIST, I WILL
TELL YOU THAT THAT'S MUCH WORSE.
>> John: RIGHT.
THAT'S A TERRIBLE SYSTEM.
WORKERS HAVE EVEN CALLED THE
ALGORITHM THE "PATRON FANTASMA,"
OR "PHANTOM BOSS," WHICH SOUNDS
LIKE A REALITY SHOW ON MAX THAT
SOMEHOW ALREADY HAS 12 SEASONS.
[LAUGHTER]
AND THIS DOWNWARD PRESSURE IS A
BIG PART OF WHY YOU MIGHT SEE
DELIVERY WORKERS SPEEDING, OR
GOING THE WRONG WAY DOWN A
STREET ON THEIR BIKE -- THE
CLEAR INCENTIVE IS TO MAKE AS
MANY ORDERS AS YOU CAN, AS
QUICKLY AS YOU CAN, EVEN IF THAT
MEANS COMPROMISING SAFETY.
AND\, SPEAKING OF SAFETY --
THESE JOBS CAN BE RISKY.
IN CITIES LIKE NEW YORK,
DELIVERY WORKERS ARE CONSTANTLY
DODGING TRAFFIC, AND HAVE BEEN
ROBBED AND ATTACKED.
THAT'S EVEN BEFORE PEOPLE ASK
THEM TO BRING THEM FOOD THROUGH
EXTREME WEATHER, LIKE BLIZZARDS
AND EVEN FLOODS.
AND, BY THE WAY, DON'T DO THAT.
IF YOU SEE A FLASH FLOOD
WARNING POP UP ON YOUR PHONE
AND IMMEDIATELY OPEN GRUBHUB --
SORRY, YOU DON'T GET TO GO TO
HEAVEN.
THAT WAS THE TEST, AND YOU
FAILED IT.
[APPLAUSE]
IT'S FRANKLY NO WONDER THAT
DELIVERY DRIVING IS AMONG THE
DEADLIEST OCCUPATIONS IN THE
COUNTRY.
AND, BECAUSE THESE WORKERS ARE
INDEPENDENT CONTRACTORS, APPS
DON'T HAVE TO PAY FOR THEIR
HEALTH INSURANCE.
IN FACT, ONE SURVEY FOUND THAT,
OF THOSE WHO'D EXPERIENCED A
WORK-RELATED INJURY, THREE OUT
OF FOUR DELIVERY WORKERS SAID
THEY'D PAID FOR MEDICAL CARE OUT
OF THEIR OWN POCKET.
ALL OF WHICH CAN LEAD TO THINGS
LIKE THIS SUPPOSEDLY
HEARTWARMING HUMAN INTEREST
STORY FROM JANUARY, ABOUT A
VIDEO THAT HAD GONE VIRAL.
>> BRO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
ARE YOU SERIOUS?
>> I'VE GOT BILLS TO PAY, BRO.
>> I RESPECT THAT, DUDE.
THAT'S CRAZY.
>> THIS IS HOW KEVIN ROSS HAS
BEEN MAKING A LIVING: DELIVERING
FOOD ON A BIKE WITH A BROKEN
FOOT.
WATCH AS HE STRAPS A WALKER ONTO
THE BIKE SO HE HAS SUPPORT WHEN
HE GOES INSIDE RESTAURANTS.
BACK IN SEPTEMBER, KEVIN SAYS
HE WAS MAKING A DELIVERY FOR
GRUBHUB WHEN HE WAS HIT BY A
CAR.
>> I GOT HIT, I BLACKED OUT.
NEXT THING I KNOW, I'M IN THE
HOSPITAL.
>> HE NEEDED SURGERY, AND
DOCTORS TOLD HIM RECOVERY WOULD
TAKE MONTHS.
BUT, WITH HARDLY ANY SAVINGS, HE
HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO GET BACK TO
WORK.
>> John: WELL, HOLD ON, "NO
CHOICE?"
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
GRUBHUB SAYS THEY'RE ALL ABOUT
GIVING THEIR DELIVERY WORKERS
CHOICE!
THEY GET TO CHOOSE THEIR OWN
HOURS, CHOOSE TO RUN A RED LIGHT
RATHER THAN BE PUNISHED BY THE
ALGORITHM, AND THEY GET TO
CHOOSE TO GET BACK TO WORK WHILE
SEVERELY INJURED INSTEAD OF
FACING CRUSHING MEDICAL BILLS.
THEY'VE GOT MORE CHOICES THAN
SOPHIE!
HAVEN'T SEEN THE MOVIE.
[LAUGHTER]
SO WORKERS ARE VULNERABLE
BECAUSE THEY LACK LABOR
PROTECTIONS AND HEALTH INSURANCE
AND ALL OF THIS RISK IS IN
SERVICE OF A JOB WHERE, LIKE
UNFORTUNATELY MOST SERVICE JOBS,
MOST OF THEIR INCOME COMES IN
THE FORM OF TIPS, WHICH CAN MAKE
UP A THIRD TO HALF OF THEIR
TOTAL EARNINGS.
BUT, THE THING IS, THOSE TIPS
OBVIOUSLY AREN'T GUARANTEED.
"THE VERGE" INTERVIEWED A
DELIVERY WORKER WHO REPORTED
BIKING FROM 77TH STREET ON THE
UPPER EAST SIDE, 18 BLOCKS SOUTH
AND OVER THE QUEENSBORO BRIDGE,
THEN UP THROUGH LONG ISLAND CITY
AND OVER ANOTHER BRIDGE TO
ROOSEVELT ISLAND, ALL TO DELIVER
A SINGLE SLICE OF CAKE -- FOR NO
TIP AT ALL.
[AUDIENCE REACTS]
AND LOOK, I GET THAT, IF YOU'RE
ORDERING DELIVERY ON A SINGLE
SLICE OF CAKE, YOU'RE CLEARLY
GOING THROUGH SOMETHING.
BEACUSE THAT'S THE SINGLE
SADDEST ORDER ANY HUMAN BEING
COULD MAKE.
BUT YOU'VE GOT TO FUCKING TIP.
AND AT THIS POINT, YOU'RE
PROBABLY THINKING, "WOW, THESE
COMPANIES ARE DRIVING
RESTAURANTS AND DELIVERY WORKERS
TO RUIN, JUST TO MAKE MASSIVE
PROFITS."
SO YOU MIGHT BE SURPRISED TO
HEAR THIS:
>> WE SHOULD START BY
ACKNOWLEDGING THAT, TODAY, UBER
EATS DOES NOT MAKE MONEY.
>> JANELLE SALLENAVE IS HEAD OF
UBER EATS.
>> WE'VE BEEN VERY PUBLIC ABOUT
THE FACT THAT IT'S NOT YET
PROFITABLE.
>> AND NEITHER ARE HER
COMPETITORS.
>> THE PLATFORMS THEMSELVES LOSE
A TON OF MONEY, IN THE HUNDREDS
OF MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, BILLIONS
COLLECTIVELY.
>> WHY DOES THIS BUSINESS EVEN
MAKE SENSE?
>> I'M NOT SURE IT DOES.
AND I THINK THEY'RE STILL TRYING
TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO MAKE MONEY
AT THIS, EVEN TODAY.
>> John: WOW, "THEY'RE STILL
TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO MAKE
MONEY AT THIS?"
THESE ARE COMPANIES VALUED AT
BILLIONS OF DOLLARS, AND YET,
THEY'RE BEING TALKED ABOUT THE
SAME WAY YOU TALK ABOUT YOUR
COUSIN WHO SELLS JEWELRY ON
ETSY.
[LAUGHTER]
AND WHILE THAT MIGHT SOUND
COUNTERINTUITIVE, IT ACTUALLY
MAKES PERFECT SENSE.
BECAUSE THE OLD,
MENUS-IN-A-DRAWER FORM OF
DELIVERY SET CERTAIN FIRM
LIMITS.
IT INVOLVED ONE RESTAURANT,
DIRECTLY HIRING A DELIVERY
WORKER, WHO THEN DELIVERED FOOD
TO A LIMITED AREA.
BUT THESE APPS INTRODUCE WHOLE
NEW CATEGORIES OF COSTS TO THE
EQUATION -- FROM MARKETING, TO
LOBBYING, TO BUILDING AND
MAINTAINING A WHOLE WEBSITE.
AND THEY'RE BASICALLY FOLLOWING
THE CLASSIC TECH "DISRUPTOR"
MODEL OF USING WALL STREET MONEY
TO GROW AT ALL COSTS, CORNER A
MARKET, UNDERCUT THEIR
COMPETITORS, AND THEN BUY THEM
UP -- ALL WITH THE ULTIMATE GOAL
OF MONOPOLIZING THE SECTOR AND
THEN MASSIVELY RAISING PRICES.
THINK ABOUT HOW UBER AND LYFT
USED TO BE MUCH CHEAPER THAN
TRADITIONAL TAXIS, AND THEN,
ONCE THEY'D DISMANTLED THAT
MODEL, THEY JACKED THEIR PRICES
WAY UP.
WE'RE JUST AT THE POINT IN THE
CYCLE WHERE COMPANIES CAN LOSE A
TON OF MONEY, KEEP PRICES LOW
FOR CONSUMERS, EVEN AS THEY TRY
AND OFFSET THAT BY SQUEEZING
RESTAURANTS AND DELIVERY WORKERS
AT THE BOTTOM.
BUT THE CONSOLIDATION ERA HAS
VERY MUCH BEGUN -- UBER EATS
BOUGHT POSTMATES.
DOORDASH BOUGHT CAVIAR.
AND GRUBHUB MERGED WITH
SEAMLESS.
IN FACT, GRUBHUB AND DOORDASH
ALONE COMPRISE MORE THAN 20
COMPANIES THAT ONCE COMPETED
WITH ONE ANOTHER.
AND SOME OF THESE COMPANIES WILL
TELL YOU THAT THEY'RE NOW EITHER
BREAKING EVEN, OR TURNING A
SLIGHT PROFIT, THOUGH SOME OF
THOSE CLAIMS HAVE SIGNIFICANT
CAVEATS TO THEM.
BUT, IN GENERAL, WE'RE CURRENTLY
IN A WEIRD SITUATION WHERE THE
RESTAURANTS ARE LOSING OUT, THE
DELIVERY WORKERS ARE LOSING OUT,
AND EVEN THE COMPANIES ARE
STRUGGLING.
THE MAIN WINNER, SO FAR, HAS
ACTUALLY BEEN US, THE CUSTOMERS.
BECAUSE, AS THIS BUSINESS
JOURNALIST POINTS OUT, WE'RE
GETTING AN INCREDIBLY CONVENIENT
SERVICE, AND PAYING LESS THAN
IT'S TECHNICALLY WORTH.
>> I CALL THIS THE MILLENNIAL
LIFESTYLE SUBSIDY, RIGHT?
EVERY SINGLE TIME THAT YOU'RE
USING DOORDASH OR USING UBER,
YOU'RE GETTING A LITTLE BIT OF
MONEY BACK FROM THESE COMPANIES.
THEY'RE SAYING, "WE'RE NEVER
GOING TO CHARGE YOU AS MUCH AS
THIS SERVICE ACTUALLY COSTS."
SO, I THINK IT'S IRONIC, I THINK
IT'S INTERESTING, AND I ALSO
THINK IT JUST CAN'T LAST.
>> John: AND HE'S PROBABLY
RIGHT.
THOUGH, PERSONALLY, I FIND IT
A LITTLE HARD TO GET MAD AT THE
IDEA OF MILLENNIALS GETTING SOME
SORT OF SUBSIDY IN LIFE.
AFTER ALL, THIS IS A GROUP WHO
WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO AFFORD A
HOUSE, IS DROWNING IN STUDENT
DEBT, AND CAN'T EVEN ENJOY
HARRY POTTER ANYMORE.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU CAN'T SPELL "MILLENNIAL"
WITHOUT 3 MASSIVE Ls.
BUT IF IT TRULY IS THE CASE THAT
WE'RE HEADED TO A POINT WHERE A
FEW MASSIVE COMPANIES DOMINATE
THIS INDUSTRY, NOW MIGHT BE THE
TIME TO TALK ABOUT PUTTING SOME
REAL GUARDRAILS UP.
AND I WILL SAY, SOME PLACES
ARE TRYING.
HERE IN NEW YORK, THANKS TO THE
HARD WORK OF, AMONG OTHERS, A
COLLECTIVE OF DELIVERY WORKERS
CALLED LOS DELIVERISTAS UNIDOS,
THE CITY PASSED A LAW THAT
GUARANTEES A MINIMUM PAY RATE
FOR DELIVERY WORKERS.
BUT THE APPS HAVEN'T MADE IT
EASY.
ONCE THAT RULE ROLLED OUT, THEY
INCREASED THEIR FEES TO USERS
AND RESTAURANTS -- AND TRIED TO
REDUCE THE END PRICE TO THE
CONSUMER BY MAKING IT HARDER TO
FIND THE TIPPING OPTION.
IF YOU LIVE IN NEW YORK, CHECK
TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE STILL
TIPPING PEOPLE, BECAUSE IT'S
POSSIBLE THAT YOU'RE NOT.
AND, IN CALIFORNIA, THE STATE
PASSED A LAW IN 2019 EXPANDING
PROTECTIONS TO GIG WORKERS.
BUT SOME OF THE BIG DELIVERY
APPS -- ALONG WITH RIDESHARE
COMPANIES AND OTHERS -- PUSHED A
BALLOT PROPOSITION CALLED
PROP 22 THAT WOULD CARVE
THEMSELVES OUT OF THAT LAW.
AND THEY WENT ALL-OUT TO GET IT
PASSED.
>> THE LATEST DATA FROM THE
SECRETARY OF STATE'S OFFICE SHOW
UBER, LYFT, DOORDASH, POSTMATES,
AND INSTACART HAVE SPENT MORE
THAN $184 MILLION COMBINED
CAMPAIGNING FOR PROP 22.
>> IT IS VERY DAVID AND GOLIATH,
IF YOU WILL.
THESE BILLIONAIRE CORPORATIONS
SPENDING SO MUCH MONEY TO EXEMPT
THEMSELVES FROM BASIC LABOR
PROTECTIONS, IT TELLS YOU WHAT
IT'S WORTH TO THEM.
>> John: RIGHT, IT DOES TELL YOU
WHAT IT IS WORTH TO THEM!
AT LEAST $184 MILLION.
THAT'S A FUCKTON OF MONEY.
THAT'S AS MUCH AS -- AND THIS IS
TRUE -- THIS RACEHORSE.
THINK ABOUT THAT.
THEY'RE DENYING WORKERS BASIC
LABOR RIGHTS WHEN INSTEAD THEY
COULD BE GETTING IN ON THE
GROUND FLOOR OF THIS HORSE.
[LAUGHTER]
AND I GET IT.
I GET WHERE THAT VALUATION IS
COMING FROM.
AND THE SAD THING IS, THAT
BALLOT INITIATIVE PASSED -- AND
IT COULD BE VERY HARD TO UNDO,
GIVEN IT REQUIRES A 7/8THS VOTE
IN BOTH THE STATE ASSEMBLY AND
SENATE TO AMEND IT IN ANY WAY.
WHICH IS UNPRECEDENTED.
ALTHOUGH THAT PART, AT LEAST,
MAY HOPEFULLY GET OVERTURNED BY
CALIFORNIA SUPREME COURT LATER
THIS YEAR.
AND THERE ARE FIGHTS BREWING IN
OTHER PLACES -- INCLUDING
SEATTLE, WHICH IS CONSIDERING
ROLLING BACK WORKER PROTECTIONS,
AND MASSACHUSETTS, WHERE SEVERAL
APPS ARE PUSHING FOR A
PROP-22-STYLE BALLOT INITIATIVE
THIS NOVEMBER.
BUT WHILE THESE ISSUES GET
ADDRESSED AT THE FEDERAL, STATE,
AND CITY LEVEL, IT MIGHT BE ALSO
BE WORTH TALKING ABOUT WHAT YOU,
YOURSELF, CAN DO IN THE
MEANTIME.
BECAUSE I AM NOT SAYING YOU
SHOULDN'T USE DELIVERY APPS.
A LOT OF PEOPLE RELY ON THEM,
FROM WORKING PARENTS, TO
DISABLED PEOPLE, TO PEOPLE WHO
ARE -- LIKE ME, RIGHT NOW --
BAKED OUT OF THEIR FUCKING
MINDS.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
BUT THE FACT IS THAT IT'S TOO
EASY TO USE THESE APPS WHILE
COMPLETELY FORGETTING THE ACTUAL
HUMAN BEINGS BEHIND THEM WHOSE
FATES YOU CONTROL BY PRESSING A
BUTTON.
SO WHEN IT COMES TO RESTAURANTS,
IF THERE'S ONE YOU LIKE TO
ORDER FROM, ASK IF THERE'S A WAY
THEY'D RATHER YOU DO THAT THAN
THROUGH AN APP -- AND IF THERE
IS, DO IT.
AND WHEN IT COMES TO DELIVERY
WORKERS, REMEMBER: BAD REVIEWS
CAN DIRECTLY IMPACT THEIR
LIVELIHOODS.
SO I'D GO WITH FIVE STARS ACROSS
THE BOARD.
BASICALLY, IF YOU'RE RATING
ANYTHING LESS THAN FIVE STARS,
THERE HAS TO BE VISIBLE SEMEN IN
YOUR FOOD.
[LAUGHTER]
AND YOU HAVE TO BE ABSOLUTELY
SURE THAT IT'S NOT JUST A GLAZE.
AND, EVEN THEN, I'D STILL GO
WITH FOUR STARS.
AND, WHILE THIS SHOULD GO
WITHOUT SAYING, YOU HAVE TO TIP.
AND IF YOU'RE MAKING SOMEONE
CROSS MULTIPLE BRIDGES WITH A
SINGLE PIECE OF CAKE, FIRST: I'M
SO SORRY ABOUT WHATEVER'S GOING
ON IN YOUR HECTIC LIFE.
BUT YOU NEED TO TIP EVEN MORE.
AND IF WE ALL DO THIS, THEN, AND
ONLY THEN, WILL WE BE ABLE TO
SAY, WITH A CLEAR CONSCIENCE --
"OH THANK GOD, THE FOOD'S HERE."
AND NOW, THIS.
>> Announcer: AND NOW,
STUART VARNEY'S FAVORITE PERSON
IS EXACTLY WHO YOU THINK IT IS.
>> I SAY EUROPE IS IN DECLINE.
MORALLY AND FINANCIALLY.
MORE ON THAT NEXT.
IF ONLY SHE WAS STILL AROUND.
>> MAYBE WE SHOULD REMEMBER THE
WONDERFUL MARGARET THATCHER.
>> YOU KNOW I WORKED WITH
THATCHER.
>> I WAS TRYING TO GET A
MARGARET THATCHER.
>> MARGARET THATCHER'S PROBABLY
HELD DEEPLY IN YOUR HEART.
>> YOU'RE RIGHT, SCOTT.
SHE'S VERY CLOSE TO MY HEART.
WHAT A WONDERFUL LADY SHE WAS.
>> BIG TIME NEGOTIATOR.
>> WASN'T SHE JUST CANNOT QUIT A
LADY.
>> I MISS MARGARET THATCHER.
SHE WAS WONDERFUL, THAT'S A
FACT.
>> SHE WAS A GOOD CANDIDATE.
>> SHE WAS GREAT.
SHE WAS FANTASTIC.
I JUST CAN'T HELP MYSELF.
I HAVE TO QUOTE
MARGARET THATCHER.
AS A WONDERFUL MARGARET THATCHER
SAID, THE TROUBLE WITH SOCIALISM
IS THAT, SOONER OR LATER, YOU
RUN OUT OF OTHER PEOPLES MONEY.
>> THE TROUBLE WITH SOCIALISM --
>> YOU RUN OUT OF OTHER PEOPLES
MONEY.
>> AND THE PROBLEM WITH
SOCIALISM IS EVENTUALLY RUN OUT
OF OTHER PEOPLES MONEY.
>> EXACTLY.
MARGARET THATCHER.
>> DEAD RIGHT.
>> WHO IS THE MOST IMPORTANT NOR
IMPRESSIVE PERSON YOU'VE EVER
INTERVIEWED?
ABSOLUTELY DEAD EASY.
MARGARET THATCHER.
>> MARGARET THATCHER.
>> MERRY CHRISTMAS, MAGGIE
THATCHER.
IT'S A GREAT PIECE.
>> "BILLY ELLIOT?"
WHAT'S THAT?
>> THE MUSICAL IN WHICH THEY
RIPPED INTO HER.
THE WHOLE THING IS AN ATTACK ON
MAGGIE THATCHER BUT VERY
CLEVERLY DONE.
>> IT IS?
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
I WAS GOING TO GO AND SEE IT!
WHERE
>> John: THAT'S OUR SHOW.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WATCHING.
WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
WHERE WE?
♪ ♪
[APPLAUSE]
GOOD NIGHT!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪