♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> John: WELCOME, WELCOME,
WELCOME TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT!"
I'M JOHN OLIVER.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING
US.
IT'S BEEN A BUSY WEEK.
IN GAZA, ISRAEL KILLED -- AMONG
OTHERS -- SEVEN AID WORKERS,
SOMETHING THE BIDEN
ADMINISTRATION EXPRESSED OUTRAGE
ABOUT AS THEY CONTINUE TO SEND
ISRAEL MORE BOMBS.
MEANWHILE, TAIWAN SAW A MAJOR
EARTHQUAKE, AND NEW JERSEY SAW A
MINOR ONE, WHICH NEVERTHELESS
GOT A TON OF COVERAGE, BECAUSE
IT WAS FELT WHERE THE NATIONAL
MEDIA ARE BASED, LEADING TO THIS
EXCELLENT MOMENT ON CNN.
>> TO OUR VIEWERS, WE ARE
GETTING SOME INCREDIBLE NEW
VIDEO JUST IN OUT OF NEW JERSEY
SHOWING THE EARTHQUAKE.
WATCH THIS...
WELL, IT DOESN'T SEEM SO
INCREDIBLE, THIS VIDEO.
>> John: WOW, YOU KNOW WHEN YOU
TELL YOUR FRIEND ABOUT A FUNNY
VIDEO YOU SAW ON YOUTUBE, THEN
YOU SHOW IT TO THEM, THEY DON'T
LAUGH AT ALL, AND YOU BOTH SIT
IN AWKWARD SILENCE?
THAT'S WHAT JUST HAPPENED ON THE
NEWS.
BUT WE'RE GOING TO DIVE RIGHT
INTO OUR MAIN STORY TONIGHT,
WHICH CONCERNS THE DEATH
PENALTY.
AMERICA'S HAD IT FOR CENTURIES
-- BUT ITS METHODS HAVE VARIED
CONSIDERABLY, AS THIS
DOCUMENTARY FROM THE EIGHTIES
EXPLAINS IN WEIRDLY
COMPREHENSIVE FASHION.
>> THE METHODS AMERICA HAS USED
TO EXECUTE ITS CRIMINALS HAVE
CHANGED OVER THE YEARS, FROM
BURNING TO DRAWING AND
QUARTERING TO HANGING.
CRIMINALS HAVE BEEN AXED,
CRUCIFIED, BURIED ALIVE, PRESSED
WITH WEIGHTS, STONED, IMPALED,
STARVED, DECAPITATED, AND
GIBBETTED.
GIBBETTING IS THE HANGING OF THE
CONDEMNED MAN BY CHAINS TO ROT.
DEATH OFTEN TAKES WEEKS TO
OCCUR.
>> John: HOLY SHIT.
A FEW THINGS.
FIRST, IF THAT LIST WASN'T SO
HORRIFYING, THE CREATIVITY WOULD
BE GENUINELY IMPRESSIVE.
I MEAN...
"PRESSED WITH WEIGHTS?"
YOU'VE GOTTA BE PRETTY INVENTIVE
TO BE BRAINSTORMING WAYS TO KILL
PEOPLE AND THINK: "LET'S PANINI
THEM!"
SECOND: WHAT THE FUCK IS "AXED?"
AT FIRST, I THOUGHT "BEHEADING"
BUT THEN "DECAPITATED" IS LISTED
AS ITS OWN THING.
SO IS "AXED" JUST SOMEONE
HACKING AT YOU LIKE THEY'RE IN
ONE OF THOSE LUMBERJACK
COMPETITIONS?
OR DID PEOPLE JUST THROW AXES,
LIKE THEY'RE AT A BACHELORETTE
PARTY IN BROOKLYN THAT NEEDED AN
ACTIVITY?
AND AS FOR "GIBBETTING," THAT'S
A HORRIFYING DEFINITION FOR AN
ADORABLE WORD.
"GIBBETTING" SOUNDS LIKE WHAT
YOU'D CALL BABY GOATS RUSHING TO
FOOD AT A PETTING ZOO OR THE
WEIRD HEAD MOVEMENT THAT PIGEONS
MAKE.
AT ITS GROSSEST, "GIBBETTING"
SHOULD BE WHEN YOU HAVE THE
HICCUPS BUT THERES A TINY BIT OF
THROW UP IN IT.
NOT HANGING SOMEONE BY CHAINS
FOR DAYS UNTIL THEY ROT TO
DEATH.
AND LET ME ACKNOWLEDGE: WE'VE
TALKED ABOUT THE DEATH PENALTY
BEFORE, IN OUR SECOND-EVER SHOW
BACK IN 2014, AND AGAIN FIVE
YEARS LATER -- IN AN EPISODE
NARROWLY BEATING OUT
"PAUL BLART: MALL COP 2" AS THE
LEAST ANTICIPATED SEQUEL OF ALL
TIME.
AND TO QUICKLY SUMMARIZE THE
ARGUMENTS IN THOSE STORIES: OUR
STANCE WAS THAT THE DEATH
PENALTY IS MORALLY WRONG,
THERE'S NO HUMANE WAY TO DO IT,
AND ANY DISCUSSION OF ONE IS
AKIN TO COMING UP WITH THE BEST
WAY TO FUCK YOUR MOM -- WHICH IS
TO SAY, THERE IS SIMPLY NO RIGHT
WAY TO DO THAT.
BUT WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THE
DEATH PENALTY A THIRD TIME,
BECAUSE THERE HAVE BEEN SOME
GRIM DEVELOPMENTS.
FOR ONE THING: SINCE OUR LAST
PIECE AIRED, THE U.S. HAS
EXECUTED 91 PEOPLE.
AND 13 OF THOSE EXECUTIONS WERE
DONE AT THE FEDERAL LEVEL.
WHICH IS ACTUALLY UNUSUAL, GIVEN
THAT, FOR ALMOST TWO DECADES,
THERE HAD BEEN ZERO.
AND ALL THOSE 13 FEDERAL
EXECUTIONS WERE UNDER TRUMP, WHO
WENT ON AN EXECUTION SPREE AT
THE END OF HIS TERM, INCLUDING
THE FIRST LAME-DUCK FEDERAL
EXECUTION IN MORE THAN A
CENTURY.
WHICH SHOULDN'T BE SURPRISING,
GIVEN HIS OUTSPOKEN LOVE OF
CAPITAL PUNISHMENT, FROM TAKING
OUT FULL-PAGE ADS CALLING FOR IT
TO BE APPLIED TO THE CENTRAL
PARK FIVE, TO CONSTANTLY SAYING
THINGS LIKE THIS.
>> I'VE ALWAYS SUPPORTED THE
DEATH PENALTY.
I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND PEOPLE
THAT DON'T.
DEATH PENALTY, BRING IT FORTH.
I AM SO FOR THE DEATH PENALTY.
REMEMBER THE OLD DAYS?
A DESERTER.
WHAT HAPPENED?
BANG!
YOU KNOW THE OLD DAYS, BOOM!
FIRING SQUAD.
YOU KNOW, IN THE OLD DAYS, BING
BONG!
WHEN WE WERE STRONG, WHEN WE
WERE STRONG.
THE ULTIMATE PENALTY HAS TO BE
THE DEATH PENALTY.
NOW, MAYBE OUR COUNTRY'S NOT
READY FOR THAT, IT'S POSSIBLE,
IT'S POSSIBLE THAT OUR COUNTRY
IS NOT READY FOR THAT AND I CAN
UNDERSTAND IT, MAYBE.
ALTHOUGH PERSONALLY, I CAN'T
UNDERSTAND THAT.
>> John: OKAY.
FIRST, GENUINELY SHOCKING TO
HEAR THE PHRASE "BRING IT FORTH"
COME OUT OF HIS MOUTH.
SECOND, HOW CAN YOU UNDERSTAND,
BUT ALSO CAN'T UNDERSTAND?
AND FINALLY, DO YOU THINK GUNS
GO "BING BONG?"
WHY WOULD YOU MAKE THAT SOUND,
WHEN THERE ARE SO MANY CORRECT
GUN NOISES?
"BANG," "BOOM," "PEW," "POW."
I'D EVEN ACCEPT "BLAM-O!"
BUT "BING BONG?"
THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT?
I GUESS WHAT I'M TRYING SAY IS I
CAN UNDERSTAND IT, MAYBE,
ALTHOUGH PERSONALLY I CAN'T
UNDERSTAND IT.
BUT THE THING I WANT TO FOCUS ON
ABOUT THOSE FEDERAL EXECUTIONS
IS THE METHOD USED TO CARRY THEM
OUT.
BECAUSE IT WASN'T 100% BY THE
BOOK.
AND THAT PROBABLY SHOULDN'T BE
SURPRISING COMING FROM THE TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION, BUT WE MAY HAVE
SOME NEW INFORMATION FOR YOU
TONIGHT ABOUT EXACTLY HOW FAR
FROM THE BOOK THEY ENDED UP
STRAYING.
AND THAT DISREGARD SPEAKS TO A
LARGER ISSUE, WHICH IS THAT OUR
FEDERAL AND STATE GOVERNMENTS
HAVE CONTINUED TO PURSUE
QUESTIONABLY LEGAL AND
DEFINITELY HORRIFYING WAYS TO DO
SOMETHING THAT, AGAIN, I'D ARGUE
THEY SHOULDN'T BE DOING AT ALL.
SO GIVEN THAT, TONIGHT, LET'S
CHECK IN ON SOME OF THE NEW WAYS
OUR GOVERNMENT HAS FOUND TO
EXECUTE PEOPLE.
AND LET'S START WITH THE FACT
THAT -- AS WE'VE DISCUSSED
BEFORE -- IT CAN BE INCREDIBLY
HARD FOR THE GOVERNMENT TO FIND
DRUGS TO USE IN LETHAL
INJECTIONS THE GOVERNOR OF SOUTH
CAROLINA ONCE SUMMED UP THE
REASONS FOR THAT AT A PRESS
PLANNED LETHAL INJECTION
COULDN'T BE CARRIED OUT.
>> THE REASON WE DON'T HAVE THE
DRUGS, DESPITE EFFORTS, INTENSE
EFFORTS, TO GET 'EM, IS BECAUSE
THE COMPANIES THAT MAKE 'EM, THE
DISTRIBUTORS WHO DISTRIBUTE 'EM,
AND THE PHARMACISTS WHO MAY HAVE
TO COMPOUND 'EM DON'T WANT TO BE
IDENTIFIED.
THEY ARE AFRAID THAT THEIR NAMES
WILL BE MADE KNOWN, AND THAT
THEY DON'T WANT TO HAVE ANYTHING
TO DO WITH IT.
>> John: HE'S RIGHT.
HE'S DOING A B-MINUS IMPRESSION
OF FOGHORN LEGHORN, BUT HE IS
RIGHT!
DRUG SUPPLIERS DON'T WANT THEIR
NAMES ASSOCIATED WITH
EXECUTIONS.
IN FACT, PEOPLE GENERALLY DON'T
LIKE TO BE ASSOCIATED WITH
KILLING THEIR FELLOW CITIZENS.
IT'S WHY YOUR FRIEND'S HUSBAND
SAYS HE'S "IN CONSULTING"
INSTEAD OF "WORKING FOR BIG
TOBACCO," AND BECCA FROM COLLEGE
SAYS SHE'S A "CORPORATE LAWYER"
INSTEAD OF "DEFENDING THE
SACKLERS IN COURT."
ALSO -- AND THIS ISN'T THE
POINT, BUT -- DID THESE TWO...
COORDINATE THEIR OUTFITS?
I'M GONNA CHOOSE TO BELIEVE THAT
THE GOVERNOR CALLED UP THE OTHER
GUY THE NIGHT BEFORE AND WAS
LIKE, "HEY BABE, LET'S DO RED
TIE, WHITE SHIRT, AND AN
UNTAILORED BLACK SUIT FROM
JOSEPH A. BANK'S DRAB
CONSERVATIVE COLLECTION.
SEE YA IN THE MORNING, TWINSIE!"
WHAT THAT GOVERNOR WAS PUSHING
FOR -- AND ULTIMATELY GOT -- WAS
A SHIELD LAW KEEPING THE NAMES
OF DRUG SUPPLIERS SECRET.
AND SOUTH CAROLINA ISN'T ALONE
-- SINCE 2011, FIFTEEN STATES
HAVE ENACTED NEW SECRECY
STATUTES THAT CONCEAL VITAL
INFORMATION ABOUT THE EXECUTION
PROCESS, FROM THE NAMES OF DRUG
SUPPLIERS TO THE IDENTITIES OF
THOSE PARTICIPATING.
BUT EVEN WITH THAT SECRECY, MANY
SUPPLIERS STILL REFUSE TO
PROVIDE DRUGS FOR EXECUTIONS,
BECAUSE IT IS BAD FOR BUSINESS.
AND THAT'S LED STATES TO SOURCE
DRUGS FROM PRETTY SKETCHY
SUPPLIERS.
WHICH IS A PROBLEM, BECAUSE WHEN
DRUGS ARE TAINTED, OR NOT
FORMULATED AT THE PROPER DOSAGE,
EXECUTIONS CAN BECOME A
PROTRACTED NIGHTMARE OF
SUFFERING, WHICH IS BOTH
HORRIFYING, AND ALSO,
UNCONSTITUTIONAL.
TAKE ARIZONA.
OVER THE YEARS, IT'S SOURCED
DRUGS FROM PLACES INCLUDING A
DRIVING SCHOOL IN LONDON AND A
RANDOM GUY IN INDIA WHOSE
SUPPOSED "FACILITIES" INCLUDED
HIS FORMER APARTMENT AND A TINY
AND WHOSE DRUGS WERE
SEIZED BY THE FDA.
AND ARIZONA HAS A HISTORY OF NOT
ADMINISTERING DRUGS PROPERLY --
IT ACTUALLY PAUSED EXECUTIONS
FOR EIGHT YEARS, AFTER ONE IN
2014 WAS BOTCHED, TAKING NEARLY
TWO HOURS AS A MAN DIED GASPING
FOR AIR.
AND WHEN EXECUTIONS RESUMED
THERE A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO,
THERE WAS A CONCERN THEY'D
REPEAT THOSE MISTAKES.
BUT THE STATE'S AG, MARK
BRNOVICH, DIDN'T SEEM THAT
CONCERNED ABOUT ANY OF THIS.
>> AT THE END OF THE DAY, WHAT
THESE KILLERS GET WITH LETHAL
INJECTION IS MUCH BETTER THAN
ANYTHING THEY DID TO THE VICTIMS
AND THEIR FAMILIES.
>> John: OKAY.
BUT THAT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER.
BECAUSE THE CONSTITUTION EXISTS.
THE 8TH AMENDMENT DOESN'T SAY
"NO CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT
UNLESS THEY LIKE...
REALLY DESERVE IT."
NOW INTERESTINGLY, THERE'S BEEN
A BIG DEVELOPMENT IN LETHAL
INJECTIONS, WITH STATES
INCREASINGLY GIVING UP ON THE
METHOD MANY HAD BEEN USING, A
THREE-DRUG COCKTAIL OF AN
ANESTHETIC, A PARALYTIC, AND A
DRUG THAT INDUCES CARDIAC ARREST
-- A PROCESS THAT'S BEEN LIKENED
TO BEING PARALYZED WHILE FIRE IS
POURED INTO YOUR VEINS.
INSTEAD, THEY'VE SWITCHED OVER
TO A SINGLE, MASSIVE SHOT OF A
SEDATIVE CALLED PENTOBARBITAL --
THAT IS THE DRUG THE TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION USED IN ITS
END-OF-TERM KILLING SPREE.
BUT IT'S NO LESS BRUTAL THAN THE
OTHER METHOD.
BECAUSE WHILE THE TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION OFFERED SANITIZED
ACCOUNTS OF THE EXECUTIONS IT
CARRIED OUT, LIKENING THE
PROCESS TO "FALLING ASLEEP,"
CALLING THE GURNEYS "BEDS" AND
THE FINAL BREATHS "SNORES,"
WITNESSES REPORTED THAT
"PRISONERS' STOMACHS ROLLED,
SHOOK, AND SHUDDERED AS THE
PENTOBARBITAL TOOK EFFECT," AND
IN THE TWO AUTOPSIES DONE AFTER
THOSE EXECUTIONS, BOTH REVEALED
THAT INMATES' LUNGS WERE TWICE
AS HEAVY AS THEY SHOULD BE,
INDICATING "PULMONARY EDEMA,"
WHERE FLUID RUSHES INTO LUNGS
AND AIRWAYS, WHICH -- IF YOU'RE
NOT PROPERLY ANESTHETIZED --
COULD CAUSE PAIN AKIN TO BEING
SUFFOCATED OR DROWNED.
ALL OF WHICH IS ABOUT AS FAR
FROM "PEACEFULLY FALLING ASLEEP
IN YOUR BED" AS YOUR KID'S DOG
IS FROM "CHASING CARS IN DOGGY
HEAVEN."
THAT PERSON SUFFERED, AND THE
DOG IS DEAD AND IN DOGGY HELL
BECAUSE HE WAS NEVER BAPTIZED.
BUT EVEN SETTING THE BRUTALITY
ASIDE, A KEY QUESTION HANGING
OVER THIS WHOLE THING IS: WHERE
EXACTLY DID THE TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION GET THESE DRUGS?
BECAUSE IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S EASY
TO FIND A SUPPLIER WILLING TO
SELL YOU PENTOBARBITAL.
YOU CAN'T JUST POP INTO CVS AND
HEAD OVER TO THE
"STATE-SPONSORED EXECUTION
DRUGS" AISLE.
TENNESSEE'S DEPARTMENT OF
CORRECTIONS SPENT YEARS TRYING
TO FIND PENTOBARBITAL FOR ITS
EXECUTIONS, AND A REPORT LATER
EXPOSED THE LENGTHS IT WAS
WILLING TO GO TO, TO FIND A
SUPPLIER.
>> EMAILS BETWEEN TDOC AND THE
PHARMACY THEY WORK WITH REVEALED
THE AGENCY WAS LOOKING AT
IMPORTING THE DRUG FROM A
DIFFERENT COUNTRY.
YEARS EARLIER, TDOC HAD EVEN
ASKED THE PHARMACY IF THEY COULD
GET THE DRUG THROUGH A
VETERINARIAN, BUT IT DIDN'T WORK
OUT.
>> YOU DON'T GET DRUGS THAT YOU
GIVE TO ANIMALS TO PEOPLE.
IT IS SORT OF RIDICULOUS THAT
WE HAVE TO RUN AROUND THE
COUNTRY BEGGING, BORROWING FOR
DRUGS TO KILL PEOPLE.
>> John: RIGHT, THE DOC
SHOULDN'T BE RUNNING AROUND THE
COUNTRY BEGGING FOR DRUGS --
THAT'S FOR DIABETICS AND WOMEN
WHO WANT TO EXERCISE THEIR RIGHT
TO CHOOSE!
THIS IS AMERICA!
AND HE'S RIGHT THAT YOU
SHOULDN'T GIVE ANIMAL DRUGS TO
PEOPLE.
WE PROBABLY SHOULDN'T BE
INGESTING ANYTHING MEANT FOR
ANIMALS, ASIDE FROM MAYBE FANCY
FEAST, BECAUSE, BE HONEST: TELL
ME THAT DOESN'T LOOK GOOD!
I KNOW IT'S JUST A WET PUDDLE OF
CHICKEN FOR CATS, BUT FRANKLY,
I'M INTERESTED.
SO PENTOBARBITAL IS HARD TO
FIND.
RAISING THE QUESTION OF, AGAIN,
WHERE THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION
GOT IT.
BUT THAT IS HARD TO FIND OUT,
BECAUSE, AT EVERY LEVEL, THOSE
WHO CARRY OUT EXECUTIONS CRAVE
SECRECY.
WHEN SOUTH CAROLINA'S EXECUTION
METHODS WERE CHALLENGED IN THE
STATE SUPREME COURT, HERE'S THE
ARGUMENT THE STATE MADE FOR WHY
SOME ELEMENTS OF THEIR PROCESS
HAD TO REMAIN SECRET.
>> YOUR HONOR, THE MINUTE YOU
BEGIN TO DISCLOSE ANYTHING ABOUT
THE DRUG, YOU BEGIN TO GIVE THE
OTHER SIDE PUZZLE PIECES AS TO
WHERE THE DRUG CAME FROM.
SO WHETHER IT'S MANUFACTURED OR
COMPOUNDED, WHAT'S THE LOT
NUMBER OF THE DRUG OR OF THE
BULK MATERIALS, YOU BEGIN TO
PIECE TOGETHER WHO MANUFACTURED
IT, WHERE COULD IT HAVE BEEN
COMPOUNDED, WHO COULD HAVE SOLD
'EM THE BULK MATERIAL.
AND THE MINUTE YOU START
RELEASING THAT, YOU MAKE IT
HARDER FOR SCDC TO GET THE DRUGS
IN THE FUTURE.
>> John: THAT'S AN INTERESTING
POINT, EVEN IF IT IS COMING FROM
TEEN SHELDON, SUPER-LAWYER.
ANYTIME YOU UNMASK A DRUG
SUPPLIER, THAT PROBABLY IS GOING
TO MAKE CARRYING OUT EXECUTIONS
MUCH HARDER.
SO YOU CAN SEE WHY THE FEDERAL
GOVERNMENT SO BADLY WANTS TO
KEEP ITS SUPPLIERS SECRET, TOO.
AND THAT'S WHY IT MAY BE
SLIGHTLY INCONVENIENT FOR THEM
THAT WE'RE PRETTY SURE WE'VE
TRACKED DOWN EXACTLY WHO
SUPPLIED THE TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION WITH ITS
PENTOBARBITAL.
IT'S A COMPANY CALLED ABSOLUTE
STANDARDS BASED IN HAMDEN,
CONNECTICUT.
THAT'S THEIR LOGO ON THE SIGN
OUTSIDE, WHICH IS PRESUMABLY
SUPPOSED TO BE A CHEMICAL
PARTICLE, EVEN THOUGH IT LOOKS
MORE LIKE A MOBILE MADE OUT OF
MINION TESTICLES.
ABSOLUTE STANDARDS' BUSINESS IS
MAKING CHEMICALS FOR CALIBRATING
MACHINES, WHICH IS TO SAY, NOT
MAKING DRUGS FOR HUMAN
CONSUMPTION.
BUT WE'RE PRETTY SURE THEY'RE
MAKING EXECUTION DRUGS AS A SIDE
HUSTLE, AND I THINK OUR CASE IS
PRETTY STRONG.
AND I KNOW I'VE SPENT A LOT OF
TIME OVER THE PAST 10 YEARS
REASSURING EVERYONE THAT THIS
SHOW DOES COMEDY AND NOT
JOURNALISM, BUT I THINK WE CAN
ALL AGREE THAT THE MOST
IMPORTANT THING WE DO HERE IS
STIR SHIT UP.
AND IT'S IN THAT SPIRIT THAT I
WANT TO EXPLAIN HOW WE GOT TO
THIS POINT.
BECAUSE ONE OF OUR RESEARCHERS
HAS BEEN COVERING THE DEATH
PENALTY FOR YEARS, LONG BEFORE
HE WORKED FOR US.
AND HE FOUND THAT ABSOLUTE
STANDARDS HAD REGISTERED WITH
THE DEA TO PRODUCE PENTOBARBITAL
IN AUGUST OF 2018 -- AND, AS IT
HAPPENS, WHEN THE BUREAU OF
PRISONS WAS ASKED WHEN IT
ENTERED INTO A CONTRACT WITH A
NEW PENTOBARBITAL SUPPLIER, THEY
SAID, "IT WOULD HAVE BEEN
ROUGHLY AUGUST OF 2018" -- SO
THE TIMELINE MATCHES UP.
AND I WILL SAY, WE'RE NOT THE
FIRST TO SUSPECT THIS COMPANY.
REUTERS ASKED SIMILAR QUESTIONS
A FEW YEARS AGO, AND THE LAB'S
DIRECTOR INITIALLY SAID HIS
COMPANY "HAD NO INVOLVEMENT WITH
THE GOVERNMENT'S EXECUTION
DRUGS," ONLY TO LATER SAY HE
COULD NOT RULE IT OUT, BECAUSE
"IN MANY PARTS OF OUR MARKET, WE
DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FINAL
INTENDED USE IS GOING TO BE."
WHICH ISN'T THAT REASSURING.
IT'S ONE THING IF YOU'RE A
PEANUT FARMER AND YOU DON'T KNOW
IF YOUR NUTS ARE GONNA BE USED
IN TRAIL MIX OR AS THE NIPPLES
ON A SNOWMAN.
EVERYONE KNOWS YOU USE COAL FOR
THE EYES, A CARROT FOR THE NOSE,
AND PEANUTS FOR THE NIPPLES.
I DON'T MAKE THE RULES, I JUST
FOLLOW THEM.
BUT FOR A MANUFACTURER OF DRUGS
THAT KILL PEOPLE, YOU SHOULD
PROBABLY KNOW WHERE YOUR
PRODUCTS ARE GOING.
BUT WE STILL WEREN'T ENTIRELY
SURE, SO WE FILED A FREEDOM OF
INFORMATION ACT REQUEST, OR
"FOIA," WITH THE DEA BACK IN
2020, ASKING FOR ANY RECORDS
THEY HAD ON ABSOLUTE STANDARDS,
AND WHILE WE WERE WAITING FOR
THEM TO SEND US OVER THE
DOCUMENTS, THE AGENCY'S LIAISON
SLIPPED UP TWICE OVER THE PHONE
AND TOLD US THAT THE REASON THE
REQUEST WAS TAKING SO LONG WAS
BECAUSE THE DOCUMENTS WERE
"RELATED TO THE DEATH PENALTY"
-- WHICH IS WHAT'S KNOWN IN THE
GOVERNMENT WORLD AS "A BIG OL'
WHOOPSIE."
AND, HONESTLY.
5 OUT OF 5 ON THE POST CALL
SURVEY.
THIS EMPLOYEE CERTAINLY HELPED
ME SOLVE MY PROBLEM.
AND ON TOP OF ALL THIS, A
CONFIDENTIAL SOURCE OUR
RESEARCHER TRUSTS HAS NOW
CONFIRMED THAT ABSOLUTE
STANDARDS IS THE COMPANY WHO
MADE THE DRUGS.
SO...
IT'S THEM.
IT'S ABSOLUTE STANDARDS.
HONESTLY AT THIS POINT, THEY
MIGHT AS WELL JUST UPDATE THEIR
REAL SLOGAN OF "WE HAVE THE
SOLUTIONS" TO "WE HAVE THE
SOLUTIONS THAT WERE SECRETLY
USED IN A BUNCH OF GOVERNMENT
EXECUTIONS!"
IT EVEN RHYMES!
YOU CAN HAVE THAT SLOGAN FOR
FREE, YOU MONSTERS!
AND LOOK, MAYBE ABSOLUTE
STANDARDS IS PROUD TO BE
PRODUCING THE DRUGS THAT ENABLED
OUR GOVERNMENT TO EFFECTIVELY
DROWN AT LEAST 13 PEOPLE WHILE
THEY WERE STRAPPED TO A TABLE.
I DON'T KNOW.
WE'VE REACHED OUT TO THEM
REPEATEDLY FOR COMMENT ON THIS
STORY, AND THEY'VE IGNORED US.
WHICH IS AN ODD THING TO DO WHEN
SOMEONE'S ACCUSING YOU OF MAKING
EXECUTION DRUGS.
BUT EVEN IF THEY ARE HAPPY TO
KEEP DOING THIS, IT'S NOT CLEAR
WHETHER THEY SHOULD BE ABLE TO.
BECAUSE UNDER THE LAW, COMPANIES
THAT MAKE DRUGS NEED TO BE
REGISTERED WITH THE FDA.
AND THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION
CLAIMED, BEFORE THE EXECUTIONS,
THAT ITS SUPPLIER WAS "PROPERLY
REGISTERED."
BUT REMEMBER, ABSOLUTE STANDARDS
DOESN'T MAKE DRUGS FOR HUMAN
CONSUMPTION.
SO WE FILED ANOTHER FOIA REQUEST
WITH THE FDA, ASKING FOR RECORDS
THEY HAD RELATED TO ABSOLUTE
STANDARDS, AND THEY RESPONDED BY
SAYING THEY WERE "UNABLE TO
LOCATE ANY RECORDS RESPONSIVE TO
YOUR REQUEST," AND "THE FIRM HAS
NOT BEEN INSPECTED BY THE FDA."
WHICH IS BASICALLY GOVERNMENT
JARGON FOR "WHO THE FUCK IS
ABSOLUTE STANDARDS AND WHAT ON
EARTH ARE YOU ASKING US ABOUT?"
SO ABSOLUTE STANDARDS AREN'T
JUST MAKING EXECUTION DRUGS, I'D
ARGUE, THEY'RE DOING SO
ILLEGALLY.
AND IT TURNS OUT, IT'S NOT JUST
THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT THAT'S
BEEN BUYING DRUGS FROM THEM.
BECAUSE WHEN THE TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION RESTARTED FEDERAL
EXECUTIONS, ARIZONA'S AG, MARK
BRNOVICH, ASKED THEM FOR HELP,
AND HIS STATE WOUND UP SPENDING
AN INCREDIBLE $1.5 MILLION OF
TAX PAYER MONEY TO HAVE 1,000
VIALS OF PENTOBARBITAL
DELIVERED...
IN "UNMARKED JARS AND BOXES."
THE OFFICIAL PACKAGING OF
"THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T BE
SHIPPING."
AND I GET WANTING SECRECY, BUT
YOU'VE GOTTA PUT "SOMETHING" ON
THOSE JARS TO WARN PEOPLE THEY
MIGHT BE DANGEROUS.
AT LEAST SLAP ON A STICKER LIKE
A BUNNY WITH CROSSED OUT EYES OR
A WEIRDLY BUFF MICHAEL CERA.
SOMETHING THAT MAKES YOU GO, "I
DON'T TRUST WHAT'S IN THIS
THING."
AND OUR SOURCE TOLD US THAT THE
SUPPLIER IN THAT INSTANCE WAS,
AGAIN, ABSOLUTE STANDARDS.
WHICH, FOR ALL WE KNOW, COULD
WELL STILL BE SELLING THOSE
DRUGS TO ANY STATE THAT WANTS
THEM.
AND IF THOSE UNMARKED JARS DID
COME FROM A COMPANY WITHOUT FDA
APPROVAL, WHICH THEY DID, IT
SORT OF CALLS INTO QUESTION A
PROMISE THAT BRNOVICH MADE THE
LAST TIME HIS STATE WAS CAUGHT
BUYING DRUGS FROM QUESTIONABLE
SOURCES, EIGHT YEARS AND ONE
BEARD AGO.
>> ALL I CAN ASSURE YOU IS THAT
AS LONG AS I'M ATTORNEY GENERAL,
WE WILL FOLLOW ALL STATE AND
FEDERAL REGULATIONS AND ALL
STATE AND FEDERAL LAWS WHEN IT
COMES TO OBTAINING AND USING THE
DRUGS IN THE EXECUTIONS HERE IN
ARIZONA.
>> John: YEAH, BUT IT TURNS OUT,
MAYBE NOT.
AND AS LONG AS HE WAS MAKING
PROMISES HE WASN'T GOING TO
KEEP, HE MIGHT AS WELL HAVE
ADDED: I CAN ALSO ASSURE YOU
THAT I WILL NEVER GROW A BEARD
THAT MAKES ME LOOK LIKE TED
CRUZ'S LESS HOT COUSIN."
NOW, BRNOVICH MAINTAINS ARIZONA
DIDN'T HAVE TO FOLLOW DRUG LAWS,
BECAUSE THE DOJ ISSUED A LEGAL
OPINION THAT THE FDA HAS NO
JURISDICTION OVER DRUGS INTENDED
FOR USE IN LAWFUL EXECUTIONS.
AND IT IS TRUE THAT, DURING THE
TRUMP ADMINISTRATION, UNDER BILL
BARR, THE DOJ DID WRITE THAT
OPINION.
AND THAT MEMO PROHIBITS THE FDA
FROM TAKING ACTION AGAINST A
COMPANY MAKING UNREGULATED DRUGS
FOR EXECUTIONS.
BUT THE FEDERAL APPEALS COURT IN
D.C. HAS REPEATEDLY RULED, BOTH
BEFORE AND AFTER THAT MEMO WAS
WRITTEN, THAT DRUG LAWS STILL
APPLY WHEN THEY'RE USED FOR
LETHAL INJECTIONS.
MEANING THEY ESSENTIALLY FOUND
THE CENTRAL ARGUMENT OF BARR'S
MEMO TO BE HORSESHIT.
WHICH MAKES SENSE, BECAUSE THINK
ABOUT WHAT BRNOVICH AND BARR ARE
ARGUING.
THEY'RE SAYING THAT A COMPANY
THAT WOULDN'T BE QUALIFIED TO
MAKE DRUGS TO EUTHANIZE ANIMALS
IS PERFECTLY QUALIFIED TO MAKE
DRUGS TO KILL HUMAN BEINGS.
IT'S A PRETTY EMBARRASSING
ARGUMENT FOR A STATE AG TO EVEN
TRY TO MAKE.
ALTHOUGH I WILL SAY -- IT'S NOT
THE MOST EMBARRASSING THING HE'S
EVER DONE, CONSIDERING HE'S ALSO
A SELF-DESCRIBED NUNCHUCK
ENTHUSIAST WHO ONCE DID THIS.
>> IT'S ARIZONA ATTORNEY GENERAL
MARK BRNOVICH.
WE'VE GOTTEN A LOT OF CALLS, A
LOT OF EMAILS.
BUT THERE'S ONE THING PEOPLE
DEFINITELY WANT TO SEE.
THEY WANT TO SEE MORE CHUCKS.
SO PEOPLE, YOU WANT MORE CHUCKS?
YOU GOT MORE CHUCKS!
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
>> John: COOL.
THOUGH, JUST TO BE CLEAR: AT NO
POINT DID I SAY I WANTED MORE
CHUCKS.
AND I'VE NEVER HOPED SO HARD
THAT SOMEONE WAS ABOUT TO
ACCIDENTALLY CHUCK THEMSELVES IN
THE DICK.
NOW, THANKFULLY, ARIZONA'S
CURRENT GOVERNOR HAS PAUSED
EXECUTIONS THERE, PENDING A
REVIEW OF THE TRANSPARENCY,
ACCOUNTABILITY, AND SAFETY OF
THE EXECUTION PROCESS.
AND LET ME JUST SAY, GOVERNOR: I
HAVE SOME NOTES ON WHERE YOU
MIGHT WANT TO BEGIN ASKING
QUESTIONS!
IT'S RIGHT HERE ON GOOGLE MAPS.
IF YOU HIT THE CHEESE
MANUFACTURER, YOU'VE GONE TOO
FAR.
ALSO, IF YOU WORK AT ABSOLUTE
STANDARDS, YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR,
BUT THAT'S A DIFFERENT ISSUE.
BUT THE TRUTH IS, EVEN IF WE
SHUT DOWN THE USE OF
PENTOBARBITAL, IT WON'T STOP
EXECUTIONS IN THIS COUNTRY.
BECAUSE ELECTED LEADERS SEEM
HELLBENT ON GETTING IT DONE.
IN SOUTH CAROLINA, WHERE YOU SAW
THE GOVERNOR BEMOANING THEIR
DIFFICULTY IN SOURCING EXECUTION
DRUGS, HIS OUTFIT DOPPELGANGER,
THE HEAD OF THEIR PRISON SYSTEM,
AT ONE POINT NOTED THAT THEY
COULD JUST FALL BACK ON THE
ELECTRIC CHAIR INSTEAD.
AND JUST WATCH AS A LOCAL
INTERVIEWER STARTS SPITBALLING
OTHER ALTERNATIVES FOR HIM AS
WELL.
>> IF LETHAL INJECTION IS NOT
AVAILABLE, THEN IT DEFAULTS TO
THE ELECTRIC CHAIR.
>> AND WHY NOT?
LIKE, I MEAN, IT'S -- IT'S --
EVEN FENTANYL, I MEAN, THAT
STUFF'S JUST BEEN -- BEEN SUCH A
HORRIBLE DRUG FOR SO MANY PEOPLE
AND IT OBVIOUSLY IS VERY WIDELY
AVAILABLE BUT EVEN SOMETHING
LIKE THAT YOU COULDN'T GET?
>> NO ONE WOULD SELL IT TO US.
WE -- ANY TIME WE HAVE A
CONVERSATION WITH PEOPLE ABOUT
TRYING TO FIND IT, TRYING TO
COMPOUND IT, PEOPLE JUST SAY,
"WELL, I'M NOT GONNA GIVE IT TO
YOU FOR THAT."
>> CAN YOU GUYS TAKE IT FROM
EVIDENCE OVER AT ONE OF THESE
COUNTY SHERIFF'S OFFICE?
WOULD THAT REQUIRE AN ACT OF
LAW?
>> THERE -- THERE'D BE A --
THERE'D BE A CONSTITUTIONAL
CLAIM THERE AND THAT'S JUST TOO
DAN -- YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
>> John: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
HONESTLY, A PART OF ME WISHES
HE'D JUST KEPT THROWING OUT
IDEAS TO KILL PEOPLE: OKAY, SO
IF WE CAN'T GET FENTANYL, COULD
WE SPRINKLE PRISONERS WITH
ANTHRAX?
WHAT ABOUT THROWING A BUNCH OF
POISONOUS TOADS AT THEM?
WHAT IF WE DROPPED THEM INTO THE
HIPPO POOL AT THE ZOO AND JUST
LET THE HIPPOS TAKE CARE OF IT?
OR, Y'KNOW WHAT?
WHAT ABOUT GIBBETING?"
I HEAR THAT'S REALLY GOOD.
BUT THE SOLUTION SOME STATES ARE
INCREASINGLY LOOKING AT INVOLVES
SUFFOCATING PRISONERS TO DEATH
USING NITROGEN GAS.
SOMETHING, LIKE MOST EXECUTION
PROCEDURES, THAT WASN'T
DEVELOPED BY MEDICAL
PROFESSIONALS, BUT ORIGINATED
WITH A BUNCH OF AMATEUR DEATH
ENTHUSIASTS, FIRST FINDING ITS
WAY INTO U.S. LAW A FEW YEARS
BACK, AFTER THIS OKLAHOMA STATE
LEGISLATOR "WATCHED A BBC
DOCUMENTARY CALLED "HOW TO KILL
A HUMAN BEING" IN WHICH A
RETIRED MEMBER OF BRITISH
PARLIAMENT SAMPLED VARIOUS
EXECUTION PROTOCOLS" BEFORE
"DECIDING THAT NITROGEN WAS THE
PERFECT KILLING DEVICE."
AND LOOK, THERE ARE LOTS OF TV
PROGRAMS YOU CAN LEARN FROM --
"BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY" CAN
TEACH YOU ABOUT SCIENCE, "THE
KITCHEN" CAN TEACH YOU ABOUT
COOKING, AND "PROPERTY BROTHERS"
CAN TEACH YOU HOW TO RENOVATE A
HOUSE WITH YOUR TWIN BROTHER WHO
YOU'VE DEFINITELY FUCKED.
BUT LAWMAKERS SHOULDN'T BE
LEARNING HOW TO PERFORM
EXECUTIONS FROM ONE.
THAT LEGISLATOR THEN CALLED IN
THIS GUY, A HIGH SCHOOL FRIEND
AND CRIMINAL JUSTICE PROFESSOR,
WHO PUT TOGETHER A PRESENTATION
FOR THE LEGISLATURE, IN WHICH HE
TRIED TO PROVE THE METHOD WAS
PAINLESS, BY -- FOR SOME REASON
-- PLAYING YOUTUBE VIDEOS OF
KIDS PASSING OUT FROM BREATHING
HELIUM.
>> SO, THIS IS A TEENAGER THAT
IS BREATHING HELIUM TO MAKE
THEIR VOICE SOUND FUNNY.
BUT THEY'RE NOT REALLY THINKING
OF IT, WHEN THEY'RE BREATHING
HELIUM, THEY'RE NOT BREATHING
OXYGEN.
AND SO, SHE'S TRYING TO GET AS
BIG A BREATH AS SHE CAN, AND IN
A SECOND, SHE BECOMES HYPOXIC.
SO, THEN THEY GET BACK UP AND
THEY'RE GIGGLING AND LAUGHING.
>> John: NOW, OBVIOUSLY, THERE'S
A LOT WRONG WITH THAT.
FOR STARTERS, THEY'RE
"VOLUNTARILY" DEPRIVING
THEMSELVES OF OXYGEN, NOT TRYING
TO RESIST, WHICH IS WHAT'D
LIKELY HAPPEN DURING AN
EXECUTION.
SO YOU CAN'T REALLY COMPARE THE
TWO SCENARIOS.
BUT SINCE OKLAHOMA LAWMAKERS
SEEM TO RESPOND WELL TO VIDEOS
OF PEOPLE ON HELIUM, ALLOW ME TO
ADDRESS THEM DIRECTLY TO DELIVER
AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE ABOUT THAT
CRIMINAL JUSTICE PROFESSOR...
HERE IT GOES.
FUCK THAT GUY, AND HIS FUCKING
YOUTUBE VIDEOS!
STOP LISTENING TO A MAN WHO
DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE'S TALKING
ABOUT, YOU IDIOTS!
[LAUGHTER AND CHEERING]
AND I'LL POINT OUT, BOTH THAT
EXPERT AND THE LEGISLATOR WHO
BROUGHT HIM IN, LACKED WHAT
YOU'D THINK WOULD BE A PRETTY
RELEVANT BIT OF EXPERIENCE.
>> HAVE YOU EVER PERSONALLY SEEN
AN EXECUTION?
>> NO.
I'M WONDERING, HAVE YOU EVER
BEEN TO AN EXECUTION?
>> NEVER HAVE, AND NEVER -- I
DON'T WISH TO.
>> WHY IS THAT?
>> I JUST -- IT'S NOT MY --
PROBABLY -- IT'S PROBABLY
SOMETHING I PROBABLY SHOULD, BUT
I HAVE NO WISH OR DESIRE TO --
TO WITNESS -- WITNESS ONE.
>> John: NO?
A REALLY?
WHY NOT, MIKE?
BECAUSE KILLING ANOTHER HUMAN
BEING IS AN ACT OF BRUTALITY
THAT'S HARROWING TO WITNESS?
BECAUSE BEING PRESENT MIGHT
IMPRESS ON YOU THE HIDEOUS
GRAVITY OF THE POWER YOU'VE
GIVEN YOURSELF?
OR WERE YOU JUST LIKE...
SUPER BUSY ON THE DAY THEY WERE
DOING IT?
AND LOOK, IF THEY'D CONSULTED AN
ACTUAL EXPERT, THEY MIGHT'VE
LEARNED THAT EVEN ANIMAL WELFARE
GUIDELINES NO LONGER ALLOW PETS
TO BE PUT DOWN WITH NITROGEN GAS
BECAUSE DOGS WERE OBSERVED
"YELPING, GASPING, AND
CONVULSING."
NEVERTHELESS, LEGISLATORS IN
OKLAHOMA VOTED TO ALLOW NITROGEN
GAS EXECUTIONS.
APPARENTLY, DURING THE DEBATE
OVER IT, THERE WERE A FEW
HOLDOUTS -- BUT ONLY BECAUSE
THEY DIDN'T WANT THE INMATE TO
FEEL GOOD WHILE DYING, THEY
WANTED PAIN.
AND SINCE OKLAHOMA'S DECISION,
MULTIPLE OTHER STATES HAVE
PASSED SIMILAR LAWS.
AND EARLIER THIS YEAR, ALABAMA
PERFORMED THE VERY FIRST
NITROGEN GAS EXECUTION.
WHICH WAS, BY ALL ACCOUNTS,
ABSOLUTELY HORRIFIC.
ONE WITNESS DESCRIBED THE MAN
WHO DIED AS "SOMEONE STRUGGLING
FOR THEIR LIFE."
AND ANOTHER, WHO'D SEEN FIVE
EXECUTIONS, SAID IT WAS
"DEFINITELY THE MOST VIOLENT
EXECUTION THAT I'VE EVER
WITNESSED."
ALL OF WHICH MAKES IT PRETTY
GALLING THAT AFTERWARD, THE
STATE'S AG TOOK THIS VICTORY
LAP, WHILE THANKING HIS WHOLE
EXECUTION TEAM.
>> EVERYONE IN THIS ROOM KNOWS
THEY ARE THE FIRST TEAM IN THE
COUNTRY TO CARRY OUT NITROGEN
EXECUTION, AND WHAT OCCURRED
LAST NIGHT WAS TEXTBOOK.
THEY DESERVE A GREAT DEAL OF
THANKS AND CREDIT FOR BEING
WILLING TO BE THE ONE TO STEP
UP, FIRST IN THE COUNTRY TO DO
SO, AND I NOW SUSPECT THAT MANY
STATES WILL FOLLOW.
AS OF LAST NIGHT, NITROGEN
HYPOXIA AS A MEANS OF EXECUTION
IS NO LONGER AN UNTESTED METHOD,
IT IS A PROVEN ONE.
>> John: YEAH, HE CALLED IT A
TEXTBOOK EXECUTION.
WHICH I'D CALL "TEXTBOOK
BULLSHIT."
AND BY THE WAY, ALABAMA -- DO
YOU EVER GET TIRED OF BEING
TRAILBLAZERS IN ALL THE WORST
WAYS?
YOUR STATE HISTORY IS JUST BRAVE
ALABAMA CITIZENS PROTESTING, AS
YOUR LEADERS ARE THE LAST TO DO
SOMETHING GOOD, OR THE FIRST TO
DO SOMETHING TERRIBLE.
AND LOOK, IT SEEMS AMERICA'S
GOING TO KEEP INNOVATING WAYS TO
KILL PEOPLE, AND DRAWING A VEIL
AROUND IT TO PROTECT ANYONE
INVOLVED.
BUT ON SOME LEVEL, ALL THIS
SECRECY IS ALSO MEANT TO PROTECT
US -- THE PEOPLE IN WHOSE NAME
IT'S DONE -- FROM CONFRONTING
THE HORROR OF WHAT THE DEATH
PENALTY TRULY IS.
BECAUSE WHETHER IT'S NITROGEN
GAS OR AN IV INJECTION OF DRUGS
OR A FIRING SQUAD OR AN ELECTRIC
CHAIR OR BEING "PRESSED WITH
WEIGHTS," IT'S ALL BRUTAL.
AND TO THEIR CREDIT, SOME
LAWMAKERS WILL ADMIT THIS.
WHEN IDAHO WAS DEBATING WHETHER
IT SHOULD HAVE A SHIELD LAW FOR
SUPPLIERS OF ITS DEATH PENALTY
DRUGS, ONE STATE SENATOR SUMMED
IT ALL UP PRETTY WELL.
>> THERE'S A FUNDAMENTAL
CONTRADICTION AT WORK HERE.
LETHAL INJECTION, I BELIEVE, IS
SOLD TO THE PUBLIC AS HUMANE.
AND YET, THE SECRECY THAT
BECOMES NECESSARY IN ORDER TO
ACTUALLY GET AND USE THE DRUGS
MANDATES THAT THE PUBLIC LIKE --
PUBLIC CAN'T INDEPENDENTLY
CONFIRM THAT IT IS, IN FACT,
HUMANE.
AND THERE IS A GREAT DEAL OF
EVIDENCE TO INDICATE THAT, IN AT
LEAST SOME CASES, IT IS NOT.
I THINK LETHAL INJECTION IS A
LIE.
IT IS AS IF WE ARE SELLING THE
IDEA THAT THIS IS JUST PUTTING
YOUR PET TO SLEEP, THAT'S NOT
WHAT IT IS.
AND THEN IN ORDER TO PERPETUATE
THAT LIE, WE HAVE TO LIE AND LIE
AND LIE AND LIE AND LIE AGAIN.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE POSITION TO
PUT OUR PUBLIC SERVANTS IN.
IT'S A TERRIBLE POSITION TO PUT
THE STATE OF IDAHO IN.
IT'S WRONG, IT'S UNFAIR, IT
NEEDS TO STOP.
>> John: HE'S RIGHT.
IT IS, AND IT DOES.
AND LYING IS ONE OF THE FIRST
THINGS WE TEACH OUR CHILDREN NOT
TO DO.
THEN WE TELL THEM THEY'LL BE
PUNISHED BY THE TOOTH FAIRY
AND/OR SANTA CLAUS, BUT THAT'S
TRAUMA THEY CAN WORK OUT LATER.
THE FACT IS, NO MATTER HOW
EXECUTIONS ARE PERFORMED,
THEY'LL NEVER BE HUMANE.
NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU
CALL THEM "TEXTBOOK," OR CLAIM
IT'S "MUCH BETTER THAN ANYTHING
THEY DID TO THE VICTIMS" OR SHOW
PEOPLE VIRAL VIDEOS OF DIZZY
TWEENS ON HELIUM, IT'S NEVER
GOING TO BE OKAY.
AND WE'RE KIDDING OURSELVES IF
WE THINK TAKING SOMEONE'S LIFE
ACTUALLY LOWERS THE NUMBER OF
KILLERS IN THE WORLD.
IT LITERALLY, DEFINITIONALLY,
CREATES MORE.
AND I KNOW THIS IS USUALLY THE
POINT WHERE I SAY "SO, WHAT CAN
WE DO?"
BUT THE ANSWER IS SO CLEARLY:
JUST STOP DOING IT!"
THE FACT IS, AROUND THE COUNTRY,
THERE ARE STILL OVER 2,300
PEOPLE ON DEATH ROW.
AND I KNOW, IN SOME CASES,
THEY'RE IN STATES WHERE NO ONE
IN A POSITION OF POWER WILL PUT
A STOP TO THEIR EXECUTION.
BUT WHEN IT COMES TO FEDERAL
PRISONERS, BIDEN COULD, BEFORE
LEAVING OFFICE, COMMUTE ALL 42
DEATH SENTENCES TO LIFE IN
PRISON.
THAT WAY, EVEN IF TRUMP IS
REELECTED, HE CAN'T PICK THE
BING-BONG BLOODBATH UP RIGHT
WHERE HE LEFT OFF.
BUT BEYOND COMMUTING SENTENCES,
BIDEN'S ADMINISTRATION COULD DO
MUCH MORE.
IT COULD INVESTIGATE THE
LEGALITY OF THE FEDERAL
GOVERMENT'S DRUG PURCHASES FROM
ABSOLUTE STANDARDS AND RESCIND
THAT BULLSHIT DOJ MEMO THAT
TRIES TO EXEMPT EXECUTION DRUGS
FROM REGULATION.
IT COULD ALSO FORCE STATES TO
SURRENDER THE PENTOBARBITAL
THEY'VE ACQUIRED FROM AN
UNREGULATED SOURCE.
AS FOR STATE LEGISLATURES, I'D
ARGUE THEY SHOULD BE ELIMINATING
SECRECY STATUTES, NOT PASSING
MORE OF THEM.
BECAUSE IF THE GOVERNMENT IS
GOING TO GIVE ITSELF THE POWER
TO EXECUTE ITS OWN CITIZENS --
WHICH, FOR THE FINAL TIME, I
STRONGLY BELIEVE THAT IT SHOULD
NOT -- THEN I WANT TO SEE WHERE
THE DRUGS COME FROM, WHO'S
MAKING THEM, AND RELENTLESS
SCRUTINY OF EVERY PART OF THIS
PROCESS.
BECAUSE ALL THIS IS BEING DONE
IN OUR NAME, AND FAR TOO OFTEN,
IN SECRET.
AND WE SHOULD GET A VOICE TO
EXPRESS HOW WE FEEL ABOUT THAT.
SPECIFICALLY, THIS VOICE: STOP
FUCKING KILLING PEOPLE.
YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES.
AND NOW THIS.
>> Announcer: AND NOW,
A SINCERE THANK YOU TO ESPN FOR
THEIR SLOW MOTION REPLACED
DURING THE AMERICAN KENNEL
CLUB'S FASTEST DOGS USA.
>> YOU'RE WATCHING THE AMERICAN
KENNEL CLUB'S FASTEST ON USA
PART OF OUR DOGS WERE SERIES ON
ESPN.
WELCOME, EVERYBODY COMING TO A
DRAG RACE UNLIKE ANY OTHER.
[LAUGHTER]
♪ ♪
>> John: MOVING ON.
FINALLY TONIGHT, WE WANTED TO
TALK ABOUT STOCK PHOTO LIBRARIES
-- MASSIVE REPOSITORIES OF
IMAGES YOU CAN LICENSE ON ALMOST
EVERY CONCEPT YOU MIGHT NEED,
FROM THE INCREDIBLY GENERIC,
LIKE THIS FAMILY PHOTO, TO THE
INCREDIBLY SPECIFIC, LIKE THIS
IMAGE OF UNDERWEAR FILLED WITH
SPAGHETTI THAT SOMEONE,
SOMEWHERE APPARENTLY NEEDED.
STOCK PHOTO LIBRARIES ARE YOUR
ONE STOP SHOP WHEN YOU NEED
PHOTOS LIKE THIS ONE, OF
EMPLOYEES HAPPIER THAN ANYONE'S
EMPLOYEES HAVE EVER BEEN.
THAT PHOTO, BY THE WAY, IS
CAPTIONED "HAPPY DIVERSE
BUSINESS TEAM CELEBRATING
SUCCESS AND HAVING FUN ALL
TOGETHER.
GROUP OF CHEERFUL ECSTATIC
PEOPLE STANDING IN CIRCLE IN
MODERN OFFICE HIGH FIVE EACH
OTHER AND SHOUT YES WE DID IT,
HOORAY."
STOCK PHOTOS PROVIDE AN INCOME
STREAM NOT JUST FOR
PHOTOGRAPHERS, BUT ALSO FOR
ACTORS STARTING OUT.
HERE'S PRE-FAME JOHN BOYEGA IN A
STOCK PHOTO PLAYING A STUDENT,
AND HERE'S SIMU LIU IN A SERIES
OF THEM -- POINTING AT A LAPTOP,
LOOKING AT THE CAMERA DURING A
GROUP PROJECT, AND EXERCISING IN
A TOTALLY NORMAL,
NOT-AT-ALL-UNHINGED WAY.
AND THE GREAT THING ABOUT STOCK
PHOTOS IS THAT THERE'S ONE FOR
ALMOST EVERYTHING YOU CAN
IMAGINE.
YOU NEED A SAMURAI?
THERE YOU GO.
YOU NEED A SAMURAI...
ON A ZOOM CALL?
THEY'VE GOT THAT COVERED, TOO.
NOW, ON THIS SHOW, WE USE OUR
OWN STAFF FOR GRAPHICS A LOT OF
THE TIME.
THAT DEAD-EYED PARENT AT HER
KID'S SWIM LESSON?
THAT'S MEGAN, ONE OF OUR
PRODUCERS.
THIS GUY FUCKING A CHEESECAKE?
THAT'S JEREMY, OUR SCRIPT
SUPERVISOR.
HE'S BEEN IN A LOT, BY THE WAY,
AND YOU WILL SEE HIM AGAIN.
AND WHENEVER THERE'S SOMEONE
SHITTING ON SOMETHING, THAT'S
OUR EDITOR, RYAN.
BUT IF THE GRAPHIC CALLS FOR A
VERY OLD MAN OR A SUMO WRESTLER
OR A HEALTHY-LOOKING JOHN OLIVER
TYPE, WE SIMPLY DON'T HAVE ONE
OF THOSE IN HOUSE.
THAT'S WHEN WE TURN TO STOCK
PHOTOS.
AND WHILE WE APPRECIATE ALL THE
PHOTOGRAPHERS AND MODELS WE'VE
USED OVER THE YEARS, WE'VE ALSO
DEVELOPED A PARTICULAR FONDNESS
FOR ONE MAN.
THIS GUY, ILGAR PASHAYEV.
THIS MAN HAS THE "IT" FACTOR,
WHICH IN STOCK MODELING TERMS,
MEANS A WILLINGNESS TO DO
ANYTHING HE'S ASKED TO, WHETHER
IT'S WEARING BIG PANTS, WEARING
A SPACE HELMET AT A DESK FOR NO
CLEAR REASON, OR GETTING INTO A
SWORDFIGHT WITH DEATH AT A
WOMAN'S BEDSIDE.
WE FIRST ENCOUNTERED ILGAR WHILE
LOOKING FOR AN IMAGE TO HELP US
CONVEY "GRAMPA DIES WHILE
WATCHING FOX NEWS."
THAT WAS A FIRST DRAFT, AND WE
DIDN'T ACTUALLY USE IT ON THE
SHOW.
INSTEAD, WE WENT WITH THIS
VERSION, BECAUSE THE GRAMPA JUST
SEEMED DEADER IN EVERY
MEANINGFUL WAY.
BUT THE PERSON WHO'D FOUND THE
PHOTO OF ILGAR NOTICED THERE
WERE OTHER PHOTOS OF HIM LINKED
FROM THAT SAME PAGE, AND WHEN
THEY CLICKED THROUGH TO SEE
MORE, WERE AMAZED AT WHAT THEY
FOUND.
BECAUSE IT TURNS OUT, ILGAR HAS
BEEN IN A LOT OF PHOTOS.
I MEAN, A LOT, A LOT.
HE'S CURRENTLY FEATURED IN OVER
250 PAGES ON THE WEBSITE
SHUTTERSTOCK, WHICH DOESN'T
SOUND LIKE MUCH, UNTIL YOU
REALIZE THAT EACH PAGE CONTAINS
100 PHOTOS.
SO THAT'S MORE THAN 25,000
PHOTOS OF THIS ONE MAN,
DEMONSTRATING A MERYL STREEP
LEVEL OF RANGE.
HE'S BEEN A BAKER, A JUDGE, A
DOCTOR, AN UNCLEAR BUT SEEMS
LIKE SOMETHING IN FINANCE, A
CARPENTER, A DENTIST FEEDING A
BASEBALL BAT TO TEETH, DON'T
OVERTHINK IT, AND THE IMAGE THAT
WILL NOW FOREVER COME TO MIND
WHENEVER I PICTURE THE CONCEPT
OF "BUSINESS."
BASICALLY, WHATEVER YOU NEED,
ILGAR'S GOT YOU COVERED, WHETHER
IT'S WATCHING VR, OR DOING YOGA
WITH HIS FRIENDS.
AND BY THE WAY, EAT YOUR HEART
OUT, SIMU LIU, THAT'S HOW IT'S
DONE.
BUT WHEN YOU'RE IN, AGAIN,
25,000 PHOTOS, YOU'RE GOING TO
REPEAT A FEW SETUPS, AND SOME
PRONOUNCED THEMES EMERGE.
LIKE ILGAR POINTING GUNS AT
THINGS, OR BEING INEXPLICABLY
ANGRY WITH PAPERWORK.
BUT MAYBE THE WEIRDEST SUBGENRE
IS WHAT I LIKE TO CALL "ILGAR'S
BONES PERIOD."
BECAUSE THE MAN LOVES POSING
WITH BONES.
TAKING SELFIES WITH BONES.
ARGUING ABOUT MONEY WITH BONES,
SHARING COFFEE WITH BONES,
GROWING TIRED OF BONES'S SHIT
BEFORE ULTIMATELY SAYING "HEY,
THERE'S THE DOOR, BONES."
THERE'S THIS PHOTO WHERE ILGAR
APPEARS SUSPICIOUS OF HIS
COWORKER BONES, OR THIS ONE,
WHERE HE'S A DOCTOR REMINDING
THE VIEWER THAT SKELETONS DON'T
HAVE PENISES, A FACT IT SEEMS
THIS SKELETON WOULD'VE PREFERRED
LEFT UNSAID.
ILGAR LOVES BONES POSSIBLY A
LITTLE TOO MUCH.
AND NOT JUST HUMAN BONES, HE
LOVES DOG BONES, CAT BONES, CUTE
LITTLE MICE BONES, UPSIDE DOWN
BAT AND BIRD BONES.
I'M JUST SAYING, IF YOU WANTED A
SINGLE PHOTO TO COMMUNICATE THE
IDEA "YOU JUST WALKED IN ON
SOMEONE WHO FINISHED DOING
SOMETHING WEIRD WITH BONES AND
IS NOW TRYING TO ASSURE YOU
'IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE'"
THIS IS THE IMAGE I'D USE.
I LOVE THIS MAN, DESPITE KNOWING
ALMOST NOTHING ABOUT HIM, APART
FROM THE FACT THAT WHEN A
PHOTOGRAPHER ASKS HIM IF HE CAN
DO LITERALLY ANY TASK, HIS
ANSWER WILL EITHER BE "FUCK YES"
OR, IF HE'S ASKED TO POSE AS
SOMEONE WHO IS DEFINITELY
FAMILIAR WITH AMERICAN FOOTBALL,
"FUCK KINDA."
AND HE'LL DO IT EVEN IF THE
PROMPT SEEMS LIKE IT
WAS CLEARLY THE RESULT OF
SOMETHING GETTING LOST IN
TRANSLATION, LIKE "MISCHIEVOUS
OLD MAN MAKES PHONES FIGHT
FEATURING CHRIST VIBES."
INCIDENTALLY, WHEN WE DISCOVERED
THAT ONE, THE CAPTION ON IT READ
"ALMOST NEVER LICENSED, HIGH
POTENTIAL."
"BE THE TRENDSETTER, MAKE THIS
UNTAPPED ASSET YOURS."
LIKE IT'S AN UNDISCOVERED OIL
WELL, AND NOT A DRUNK DAD AT A
WEDDING PHOTO BOOTH WHO GOT REAL
WEIRD WITH THE PROPS.
AND AT THIS POINT, YOU MIGHT BE
WONDERING WHY I'M EVEN TALKING
ABOUT STOCK PHOTOS, LET ALONE,
THIS ONE GUY.
TO WHICH I SAY: HEY, SHUT UP.
THIS IS ONE OF THOSE STORIES
WHERE WE, FORGIVE THE TERM,
CHILL THE FUCK OUT A BIT.
WE'RE NOT DOING CHARTS AND
GRAPHS AND PULLQUOTES OVER MY
SHOULDER.
IN FACT, HERE'S THE ONLY CHART
I'LL SHOW YOU IN THIS PIECE.
IF 90% OF OUR EPISODES ARE "SAD
DADDY HONKS SOME NUMBERS AT
YOU," THE REST IS "WASTING YOUR
ONE PRECIOUS LIFE ON MEANINGLESS
BULLSHIT."
AND GOOD NEWS: WE ARE
COMFORTABLY IN THE LATTER ZONE
NOW.
WE'RE BURNING THROUGH TIME LIKE
DEATH ISN'T REAL.
AND IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHERE
ALL THIS IS GOING, IT'S THAT WE
BECAME OBSESSED WITH THIS GUY.
SO MUCH SO THAT, EVEN THOUGH
THERE'S CLEARLY AN ABSOLUTE
MOUNTAIN OF PHOTOS THAT EXIST OF
HIM, THERE'S ONE I REALIZED I
WANTED MORE THAN ANY OTHER.
AND THAT'S OF ME, SHAKING HANDS
WITH ILGAR HIMSELF.
AND I KNOW, WE COULD TECHNICALLY
PHOTOSHOP THAT UP.
BUT THAT DOESN'T FEEL THE SAME.
I KNOW IT'S FRAUDULENT.
SO WE SET OUT TO TRACK HIM DOWN.
AND THAT'S WHY, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, I WANT TO REVEAL:
ILGAR, THE MAN FROM THE STOCK
PHOTO!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
IS NOT COMING OUT.
HERE, LET ME EXPLAIN.
TURNS OUT, HE'S NOT AN EASY MAN
TO FIND.
ILGAR HAS ALMOST NO DIGITAL
FOOTPRINT -- ASIDE FROM,
FAMOUSLY, 25,000 PHOTOGRAPHS.
WE DID, THOUGH, MANAGE TO TRACK
DOWN THE PHOTOGRAPHER WHO TOOK
THE PHOTOS, A MAN NAMED ELNUR
AMIKISHIYEV, WHO LIVES IN
AZERBAIJAN.
HE TOLD US ILGAR LIVES THERE,
TOO.
BUT WHEN WE ASKED HIM TO PUT US
IN TOUCH WITH ILGAR, HE WAS
HESITANT TO DO SO WITHOUT MORE
INFORMATION.
THEN WE LOST EMAIL CONTACT WITH
HIM.
SO WE WERE AT A DEAD END.
UNTIL A FEW MONTHS AGO, WHEN WE
FOUND THE PHOTOGRAPHER ON
WHATSAPP, GOT IN TOUCH AGAIN,
AND HE TOLD US THAT HE WAS NOW
WILLING TO HELP US.
BUT IT TURNS OUT, BRINGING
SOMEONE HERE FROM AZERBAIJAN IS
VERY DIFFICULT -- IT INVOLVES
MEETINGS AT THE AMERICAN EMBASSY
THERE, APPLICATIONS FOR VISAS,
INTERVIEWS...
IT'S A LENGTHY PROCESS.
AND THE REASON I KNOW THAT, IS
BECAUSE WE GOT TO THE END OF
THAT PROCESS THIS WEEK.
AND YOU KNOW WHEN I SAID ILGAR
WASN'T COMING OUT FROM OVER
THERE?
THAT WAS TECHNICALLY TRUE.
BUT THAT'S ONLY BECAUSE HE'S
COMING OUT FROM OVER HERE
INSTEAD!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
BECAUSE WE FOUND HIM!
WE FOUND HIM!
ILGAR PASHAYEV, EVERYBODY!
ILGAR PASHAYEV!
ILGAR, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR
BEING HERE.
WE'RE SUCH HUGE FANS OF YOUR
WORK.
>> Ilgar: THANK YOU.
>> John: OKAY, WOULD IT BE OKAY
IF WE TOOK A PHOTO TOGETHER?
>> Ilgar: OF COURSE.
>> John: NOW, OBVIOUSLY, THE
SETTING WHERE YOU'VE DONE YOUR
BEST WORK IS A DOCTORS' OFFICE,
SO -- I'M GONNA NEED A WHITE
COAT FOR ILGAR AND A SELECTION
OF WEIRD BONES.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M DOING THIS,
DREAMS REALLY DO COME TRUE!
ARE YOU READY, ILGAR?
I'M READY.
LET'S DO THIS!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪
WE DID IT!
ILGAR PASHAYEV, EVERYONE!
THAT IS OUR SHOW, THANK YOU SO
MUCH FOR WATCHING!
WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
GOOD NIGHT!
ILGAR PASHAYEV!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[CAMERA SHUTTER]
♪ ♪
>> Y