♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
John: WELCOME, WELCOME,
WELCOME TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT!"
I'M JOHN OLIVER.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING
US.
IT HAS BEEN A BUSY WEEK.
KING CHARLES UNVEILED THIS
OFFICIAL PORTRAIT, DEPICTING HIM
BEING CONSUMED BY THE SCARLET
FIRES OF HELL.
A PORTAL PROVIDING LIVE VIDEO
BETWEEN NEW YORK AND DUBLIN WAS
TEMPORARILY SHUT DOWN AFTER,
AMONG OTHER THINGS, SOMEONE
FLASHED IT, WHICH OF COURSE THEY
DID.
AND ALL AROUND THE COUNTRY,
THERE'VE BEEN GRADUATION
CEREMONIES.
THEY'VE BEEN A LITTLE CHAOTIC
THIS YEAR, BOTH BECAUSE OF THE
CONTINUING PROTESTS OVER GAZA,
BUT ALSO FOR WEIRDER REASONS,
LIKE AN ANNOUNCER AT THOMAS
JEFFERSON UNIVERSITY'S
GRADUATION STRUGGLING TO
PRONOUNCE SOME PRETTY COMMON
NAMES.
MEGHAN LOUISE AUBREY.
MAEVE ELIZABETH BROSTOSKI.
SARAH VIRGINIA BRENNAN.
MOLLY ELIZABETH CAMP.
TA-MOO-MAY--
THOMAS.
THOMAS!
John: THAT IS MAGNIFICENT.
MISPRONOUNCING THOMAS AT THOMAS
JEFFERSON UNIVERSITY IS ALREADY
SPECTACULAR.
AND THE SCHOOL EXPLAINED THAT
THE PROBLEM WAS, THE NAMES HAD
BEEN SPELLED PHONETICALLY-- FOR
INSTANCE, THIS WAS THE CARD FOR
"SARAH VIRGINIA BRENNAN."
AND WHILE PROVIDING PHONETIC
PRONUNCIATIONS IS FAIRLY
COMMONPLACE FOR GRADUATIONS,
WHAT ISN'T IS LOOKING AT THE
PRONUNCIATION, PANICKING,
SWALLOWING YOUR OWN TONGUE, AND
THEN ATTEMPTING TO REINVENT
WELSH.
BUT THAT WASN'T EVEN THE
WEIRDEST COLLEGE GRADUATION THIS
YEAR.
AT BENEDICTINE COLLEGE IN KANSAS
THE KICKER FOR THE KANSAS CITY
CHIEFS WENT ON AN ANTISEMITIC,
ANTI-GAY, ANTI-TRANS RANT, IN
WHICH HE ALSO TOLD WOMEN TO
"EMBRACE ONE OF THE MOST
IMPORTANT TITLES OF ALL,
HOMEMAKER," WHICH IS ESPECIALLY
WILD, COMING FROM SOMEONE WHOSE
OWN MOTHER IS, AND THIS IS TRUE,
A PHYSICIST SPECIALIZING IN
"BRACHYTHERAPY AND GAMMA KNIFE
MEDICAL PHYSICS CARE."
BUT I GUESS HE'S RIGHT, HER MOST
IMPORTANT JOB WAS RAISING THIS
ABSOLUTE HAM SANDWICH OF A MAN.
MEANWHILE, OHIO STATE HAD THIS
"SOCIAL ENTREPRENEUR" RAMBLE
THROUGH A SPEECH HE ADMITTED
HE'D TAKEN AYUHUASCA TO WRITE,
IN WHICH HE GAVE THE AUDIENCE
ADVICE ABOUT INVESTING IN
BITCOIN.
AND JUST TODAY, MOREHOUSE
COLLEGE HAD JOE BIDEN AS THEIR
COMMENCEMENT SPEAKER, AND WHILE
AS OF TAPING THAT HASN'T
HAPPENED YET, I'M SURE IT WENT
GREAT.
AND LOOK, COMMENCEMENT SPEECHES
ARE HARD.
THAT'S WHY I'VE NEVER DONE ONE,
NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES
HOGWARTS ASKS ME TO.
STOP SENDING ME FUCKING OWLS.
BUT THEY DON'T NEED TO BE AN
ABSOLUTE DISASTER.
AND PERHAPS THE WILDEST CHOICE
FOR SPEAKER THIS YEAR CAME FROM
D'YOUVILLE UNIVERSITY IN
BUFFALO, WHOSE GRADUATION
SPEAKER WAS...
THIS.
CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE
GRADUATING STUDENTS.
I OFFER YOU THE FOLLOWING
INSPIRATIONAL ADVICE THAT IS
COMMON AT ALL GRADUATION
CEREMONIES.
EMBRACE LIFELONG LEARNING.
BE ADAPTABLE.
PURSUE YOUR PASSIONS.
TAKE RISKS.
FOSTER MEANINGFUL CONNECTIONS.
MAKE A POSITIVE IMPACT.
AND BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.
John: YEAH, THEY HAD A ROBOT
ADDRESS THEIR GRADUATING
STUDENTS, WITH REMARKS COMPOSED
BY AI.
AND I'M SURE STUDENTS WILL
REMEMBER THOSE STIRRING WORDS AS
ROBOTS TAKE ALL THEIR JOBS,
BEFORE EVENTUALLY TRACKING THEM
DOWN WHEN THEY'RE HIDING IN AN
ABANDONED WAREHOUSE DURING
HUMANITY'S FINAL HOURS.
BUT WE'RE GOING TO MOVE ON TO
TALK ABOUT EUROPE-- BRITAIN'S
EX.
IT'S HAD A TUMULTUOUS WEEK.
SLOVAKIA'S PRIME MINISTER BARELY
SURVIVED AN ASSASSINATION
ATTEMPT, AND IN GERMANY, THE
FAR-RIGHT ANTI-IMMIGRANT AFD
PARTY HAS BEEN ON THE RISE.
AND YES, ITS LOGO DOES LOOK LIKE
THE NIKE SWOOSH GREW A VERY
SHARP PENIS.
THIS WEEK, THOUGH, THE AFD
SUFFERED MULTIPLE SETBACKS, WITH
ONE COURT RULING THEY'RE A
POTENTIAL THREAT TO DEMOCRACY,
AND ANOTHER CONVICTING ONE OF
THEIR LEADING MEMBERS ON A
PRETTY STRIKING CHARGE.
A PROMINENT FIGURE IN
GERMANY'S FAR RIGHT, ALTERNATIVE
FOR GERMANY, AFD PARTY IS
STANDING TRIAL FOR USING A
BANNED NAZI-ERA SLOGAN.
BJORN HOCKE ALLEDGLY REPEATED
THE PHRASE "EVERYTHING FOR
GERMANY" TWICE AT POLITICAL
RALLIES.
THE PHRASE WAS ONCE A MOTTO OF
THE ORIGINAL PARAMILITARY WING
OF THE NAZI PARTY.
HOCKE DENIES HE WAS AWARE OF THE
ORIGINS OF THE SLOGAN, CLAIMING
IT IS A COMMON EVERYDAY PHRASE.
John: YEAH, HOCKE CLAIMED
THAT HE WAS UNAWARE THAT
"EVERYTHING FOR GERMANY" WAS A
NAZI SLOGAN.
ALTHOUGH I WILL SAY, THAT'S A
LITTLE HARD TO BELIEVE, GIVEN--
ONE, THOSE ARE NAZI EYES.
AND TWO, BEFORE GOING INTO
POLITICS, HE USED TO BE A
HISTORY TEACHER.
IN GERMANY.
SO UNLESS HIS VERSION OF GERMAN
HISTORY WENT MIDDLE AGES THEN
18TH CENTURY THEN OTTO VON
BISMARCK THEN "EVERYONE KIND OF
JUST HUNG OUT FOR A WHILE" THEN
"99 LUFTBALOONS," IT'S PRETTY
TOUGH TO BELIEVE.
AND I KNOW IT MIGHT SEEM WEIRD
TO BE ON TRIAL FOR JUST SAYING
THAT SLOGAN.
IT'S A STARK DIFFERENCE FROM THE
U.S., WHERE OUR CONSTITUTION
GUARANTEES VIRTUALLY UNLIMITED
FREEDOM OF SPEECH, EXCEPT, OF
COURSE, WHEN THE SUPREME COURT
DECIDES IT'S COOL FOR A PUBLIC
UNIVERSITY TO BAN DRAG SHOWS.
YEAH, THAT HAPPENED TWO MONTHS
AGO.
IT'S KIND OF SURPRISING NO ONE
FLEW A PRIDE FLAG UPSIDE DOWN ON
THEIR LAWN IN PROTEST.
BUT GERMANY HAS CONSTITUTIONAL
SAFEGUARDS DESIGNED TO PREVENT
AUTHORITARIAN RULE, FOR REASONS
THAT SHOULD BE OBVIOUS TO
EVERYONE EXCEPT, I'M GUESSING,
GERMANY'S WORST-EVER HISTORY
TEACHER.
AND YET, IN SPITE OF ALL THIS,
THE AFD HAS BECOME INCREASINGLY
POPULAR.
IN FACT, IT'S NOW THE 2ND MOST
POPULAR PARTY IN THE COUNTRY.
HOCKE HIMSELF IS RUNNING TO
BECOME PREMIER IN HIS STATE--
ESSENTIALLY, THE GOVERNOR-- IN
SEPTEMBER'S REGIONAL ELECTIONS.
AND IF HE SUCCEEDS, IT WOULD BE
THE FIRST TIME SINCE THE END OF
THE NAZI REGIME THAT THERE WOULD
BE A FAR RIGHT PARTY IN CONTROL
OF A STATE GOVERNMENT IN
GERMANY.
THE GROWTH OF THE AFD IS
ALARMING.
AND A CNN REPORTER ACTUALLY
ATTENDED ONE OF THEIR MEETINGS,
ALTHOUGH IN DOING SO, CHOSE TO
REPORT ON IT IN A SLIGHTLY WEIRD
WAY.
PRO AND AFD CURIOUS VOTERS
HAVE GATHERED TO HEAR FROM PARTY
OFFICIALS, THE MESSAGE EVEN HAS
TRUMPIAN UNDERTONES.
OUR COUNTRY FIRST, POSTERS SAY.
PART OF THE AFD PULL FOR VOTERS
IS ABOUT LURING PEOPLE AWAY FROM
SOME OF GERMANY'S LARGEST
POLITICAL PARTIES THROUGH
TRANSPARENCY THEY SAY.
BUT SOME OF WHAT'S BEING
DISCUSSED IN THIS ROOM IS
WARPED, QUESTIONING THINGS LIKE
THE COVID PANDEMIC AND WHETHER
CLIMATE CHANGE IS EVEN REAL.
John: TOTALLY AGREE, IT'S ALL
VERY UPSETTING, BUT-- DID IT
EVER CROSS YOUR MIND TO REPORT
ON THAT FROM, LIKE, OUTSIDE?
THEY CAN HEAR YOU!
YOUR ONSCREEN CAPTION MIGHT AS
WELL HAVE SAID, "GULLIBLE
DIPSHITS IN HERE DON'T EVEN
REALIZE I'M TALKING ABOUT THEM."
I KNOW THESE ARE FAMOUSLY PRETTY
INTOLERANT PEOPLE, BUT EVEN I
HAVE TO ADMIT, THEY'RE BEING
SURPRISINGLY CHILL ABOUT SOMEONE
SHIT-TALKING THEM DURING THEIR
MEETING.
THAT SAID, AFD SUPPORTERS DO
HOLD SOME DEEPLY WORRYING VIEWS.
I'M GLAD THAT SOMEONE IS
TAKING CARE OF ALL THIS SCUM
THAT HAS SPREAD IN THIS COUNTRY,
IN OUR BEAUTIFUL GERMANY.
IF BEING FAR RIGHT MEANS
LIVING MY LIFE AS I'VE DONE SO
FAR AT 68 THAT IS STUDYING,
WORKING, PAYING MY TAXES, NEVER
DOING ANYTHING WRONG, THEN BEING
FAR RIGHT OR BEING A NAZI CANNOT
BE SOMETHING WRONG.
John: OKAY, BUT THAT'S VERY
MUCH NOT WHAT BEING FAR RIGHT
MEANS.
LOTS OF PEOPLE ARE 68, WORKING,
AND PAYING TAXES, AND I'D
VENTURE TO SAY MOST OF THEM ARE
NOT NAZI ENTHUSIASTS, OTHER
THAN, IT SEEMS, YOU AND MEL
GIBSON.
THE AFD PUSHES HARDLINE
ANTI-IMMIGRANT, ANTI-MUSLIM
POLICIES AND PROMOTES "A RETURN
TO TRADITIONAL GERMAN CULTURE."
IN 2017, THE PARTY'S MANIFESTO
SAID "ISLAM DOES NOT BELONG TO
GERMANY," AND THAT SAME YEAR, IT
RAN THIS AD, WHICH TRANSLATES
TO, "BURKAS?
WE LIKE BIKINIS."
WHICH IS THE SLOGAN YOU GET IF
YOU COMBINE THE HORNINESS OF A
"FEMALE BODY INSPECTOR" T-SHIRT
WITH THE ISLAMOPHOBIA OF THE
ACTUAL FBI.
THOUGH IT'S PRETTY CLEAR ALL
THAT TALK OF LOVING "GERMAN
TRADITIONS" IS JUST A DOG
WHISTLE-- ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU
DISCOVER JUST HOW LITTLE SOME OF
THEM SEEM TO KNOW ABOUT THE
CULTURE THEY'RE CELEBRATING.
JUST WATCH AS AN AFD PARTY
LEADER WAS CAUGHT COMPLETELY OFF
GUARD BY A LITERAL CHILD.
WE WOULD LIKE TO SEE MORE
GERMAN FOLK SONGS TAUGHT AND
MORE GERMAN POEMS TAUGHT.
THAT WE APPRECIATE OUR GERMAN
THINKERS AND POETS MORE IN THE
SCHOOLS.
I THINK WE ALREADY HAVE TO
MEMORIZE QUITE A LOT OF POETRY.
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE POEM,
ACTUALLY?
YOUR FAVORITE GERMAN ONE?
MY FAVORITE POEM...
IS, UMM...
I'D HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT.
CAN'T REMEMBER ANY AT THE
MOMENT.
NONE?
NO.
John: WOW, GOOD FOR THAT KID.
DISMANTLING A POLITICIAN WHILE
ALSO MANAGING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT
HOMEWORK.
THAT'S EMBARRASSING FOR THAT
MAN, WHO JUST GOT DESTROYED BY
SOMEONE WHOSE MOM IS PICKING
THEM UP AFTER THIS.
INTERVIEW.
AND THE AFD HAS BEEN ASSOCIATED
WITH MUCH NASTIER STUFF THAN
JUST "LEARN GERMAN POETRY."
IT RECENTLY CAME OUT A NUMBER OF
AFD OFFICIALS ATTENDED A SECRET
MEETING WHERE PARTICIPANTS
DISCUSSED PROPOSALS FOR
"UNASSIMILATED CITIZENS" TO BE
DEPORTED TO "A MODEL STATE IN
NORTH AFRICA," INSTANTLY DRAWING
COMPARISONS TO THE NAZI'S
"INITIAL PLAN TO DEPORT EUROPEAN
JEWS TO MADAGASCAR."
IT'S ALL VERY BLEAK.
BUT IF THERE'S ANY GOOD NEWS
HERE, IT'S THE SEVERITY OF THE
BACKLASH AGAINST THE AFD FROM
MANY GERMANS.
IN JANUARY, OVER 1 MILLION
PEOPLE RALLIED IN CITIES ACROSS
GERMANY, WITH BANNERS AND SIGNS
THAT SAID THINGS LIKE "NO NAZIS"
AND "VOTING FOR AFD IS SO 1933."
AND THEY CLEARLY KNEW WHAT WAS
AT STAKE.
MORE THAN 150,000 HERE
OUTSIDE THE REICHSTAG WITH ONE
MESSAGE: GERMANY WILL NOT GO
BACK TO THE DARK DAYS.
WE'VE BEEN THERE ALREADY.
YOU KNOW?
AND YOU CAN STOP THEM THIS
TIME?
I HOPE SO, WE HAVE TO.
IF YOU NOW HEAR PEOPLE
FANTASIZING ABOUT DEPORTING
MILLIONS OF GERMANS AND MIGRANTS
IN GERMANY TO OTHER COUNTRIES
WHEREVER IT IS THAT I MEAN IT
RESONATES DIRECTLY TO HISTORY.
John: YEAH, THAT MAN IS
RIGHT!
AND I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW MUCH I
APPRECIATE THAT NOT ONLY DID HE
BRING THAT DELIGHTFULLY COMPOSED
WIENER DOG, IT ALSO HAD THE
PRESENCE OF MIND TO LOOK
STRAIGHT DOWN THE CAMERA, AS IF
IT WAS WAITING FOR A RECORD
SCRATCH SO IT COULD SAY, "YEP.
THAT'S ME.
YOU'RE PROBABLY WONDERING HOW I
ENDED UP IN THIS SITUATION."
AND A QUICK NOTE TO THAT CNN
REPORTER: THAT'S HOW YOU REPORT.
NOT BY WHISPERING OVER A SPEECH
IN PROGRESS, BUT BY IDENTIFYING
PEOPLE WITH PERFECT DOGS AND
IMMEDIATELY GOING TO TALK TO
THEM.
AND WHILE THE PUSHBACK TO THE
AFD IS INSPIRING, THE PARTY'S
NOT GOING AWAY ANYTIME SOON.
THEY'RE RUNNING FOR SEATS IN THE
EUROPEAN PARLIAMENT NEXT MONTH,
AND THERE ARE REGIONAL AND
NATIONAL ELECTIONS ON THE
HORIZON.
ALL OF WHICH SHOULD BE VERY
CONCERNING.
BECAUSE BETWEEN THE ATTEMPTED
ASSASSINATION OF A CENTRAL
EUROPEAN LEADER, AND THE RISE OF
A FAR-RIGHT PARTY IN GERMANY,
EUROPE REALLY SEEMS TO BE
PLAYING THE 20TH CENTURY HITS
RIGHT NOW, EVEN IF SOME OF THEIR
FORMER HISTORY TEACHERS REFUSE
TO SEE THE SIMILARITY.
AND NOW THIS.
Announcer: AND NOW,
PLEASE ENJOY SOME BETTER NEWS
FOR THE DOGS FROM THIS YEAR'S
WESTMINSTER DOG SHOW.
CAN SENORA CHEF.
RAVIOLI.
SHOPPING.
JASON STATHAM.
FOOTBALL.
BASEBALL.
OPERATION CONDOR IS A POLITICAL
OPERATION THAT TOOK PLACE FROM
1975-1973.
ERIC.
LADY BUSINESS.
WEASEL.
THE REINCARNATION OF
KING CHARLES III.
AND CHER.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
John: MOVING ON.
OUR MAIN STORY TONIGHT CONCERNS
CORN.
WE LOVE IT IN ALL ITS FORMS,
FROM CARAMEL CORN, TO THE CORN
PALACE IN SOUTH DAKOTA, TO THE
MASCOT OF THE NEBRASKA
CORNHUSKERS-- EXCEPT, NOT THE
MODERN TRAVESTY.
I'M TALKING ABOUT THE EARLIER
ONE-- NO, NOT THAT DEMON.
THE "ORIGINAL."
YEAH, THAT'S HIM.
THE GUY IN REGULAR CLOTHES WITH
AN ENORMOUS CORNCOB FOR A HEAD,
ASKING THE QUESTION, "AM I MAN
OR AM I CORN?"
WE LOVE CORN SO MUCH, WE'VE EVEN
FOUND A WAY TO MAKE IT A
WHOLESOME FAMILY ACTIVITY.
THIS ILLINOIS CORN MAZE IS
RURAL SPRAWL: 28 ACRES IN ALL
WITH ALMOST 10 MILES OF TRAILS.
WE SAID, IF WE'RE GONNA DO
IT, WHY NOT BE THE WORLD'S
LARGEST?
THE THEME CHANGES EVERY YEAR.
THAT GREAT AERIAL PHOTOGRAPH,
WE WANT PEOPLE TO GO, "WOW,
THAT'S A MAGNIFICENT PICTURE."
OUR BEATLES MAZE IN 2013, I
MEAN, YOU COULD SEE THE FACES OF
THE BEATLES.
FIFTH-GRADERS ZIGZAGGING
THROUGH A CORN MAZE THINKING,
"WE GOTTA FIND A WAY OUT, OR
THIS FIELD TRIP COULD BE OUR
LAST."
John: WOW, THAT GOT DARK,
QUICK.
ALTHOUGH I THINK EVEN THE
BEATLES WOULD AGREE-- THERE'S
NO BETTER TRIBUTE TO THEIR
LEGACY THAN HAVING TERRIFIED
CHILDREN WANDER AROUND RINGO'S
NOSTRILS WONDERING IF THEY'LL
EVER SEE THEIR FAMILIES AGAIN.
AND BECAUSE OF HOW MUCH WE LOVE
CORN, APPEALING TO THE CORN
GROWERS OF AMERICA HAS ALWAYS
BEEN GOOD POLITICS.
PRESIDENTIAL CONTENDERS LOVE TO
PANDER TO PEOPLE IN IOWA, FROM
OBAMA STANDING IN FRONT OF A
CORNFIELD, TO MITT ROMNEY
PRETENDING TO BE INTENTLY
INTERESTED IN AN EAR OF CORN, TO
WHATEVER GEORGE BUSH THOUGHT HE
WAS DOING HERE.
THERE'S A LONG HISTORY OF
AMERICAN POLITICIANS BEING WEIRD
AROUND CORN, BUT PERHAPS NO
ONE'S EVER BEEN WEIRDER WHILE
DISCUSSING IT THAN THIS.
I JUST MET NON-LIQUID GOLD.
YOU KNOW WHERE IT WAS?
IOWA.
IT'S CALLED CORN.
THEY HAVE-- IT'S NON-LIQUID.
THAT'S WHAT THEY HAVE.
YOU HAVE MORE NON-LIQUID GOLD.
THEY SAID, "WHAT IS THAT?"
I SAID, "CORN."
THEY SAID, "WE LOVE THAT IDEA."
YOU KNOW, THAT'S A PRETTY COOL
THOUGHT, ISN'T IT?
THAT'S A NICKNAME IN ITS OWN
WAY.
BUT WE CAME UP WITH A NEW WORD
FOR-- A NEW COUPLE OF WORDS FOR
CORN.
John: DID YOU?
DID YOU THOUGH?
BECAUSE "NON-LIQUID GOLD" ISN'T
SO MUCH A WAY OF DESCRIBING CORN
AS IT IS A WAY OF DESCRIBING
"REGULAR GOLD."
THAT'S A LEVEL OF NON-INNOVATION
INNOVATION WE HAVEN'T SEEN SINCE
LYFT INVENTED SOMETHING CALLED
LYFT SHUTTLE, WHICH WAS, AND
THIS IS TRUE, THE BUS.
BUT HE'S RIGHT: WE ARE THE
WORLD'S LARGEST PRODUCER,
CONSUMER, AND EXPORTER OF
NON-LIQUID NOT-GOLD IN THE
WORLD.
WE ALSO PRODUCE MORE CORN THAN
ANY OTHER CROP IN THE U.S.
FARMING IT'S A NEARLY
$90 BILLION INDUSTRY, WITH
FARMERS PLANTING ROUGHLY 90
MILLION ACRES A YEAR.
AND IN CASE YOU'RE LIKE ME AND
DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT AN
ACRE IS, IT MIGHT HELP TO KNOW
THAT CORNFIELDS CURRENTLY OCCUPY
NEARLY 5% OF THE LAND SURFACE OF
THE CONTIGUOUS UNITED STATES.
AND YOU MIGHT ALREADY BE
THINKING, "WELL, SO WHAT?
THAT MEANS AMERICA'S WELL
STOCKED FOR THE MOVIES,
BARBECUES, AND HOUSE PARTIES
WHERE SOMEONE WANTS THAT BLACK
BEAN SALSA THING.
WHY DO YOU HAVE TO RUIN A GOOD
THING?"
AND TO THAT I SAY, ONE: IT'S A
CALLING AND A CLARITY OF PURPOSE
AND TWO: OF THOSE MILLIONS OF
ACRES OF CORN, ONLY 1% IS MADE
FOR DIRECT HUMAN CONSUMPTION.
THE REST IS CALLED FIELD OR
"DENT" CORN-- WHICH, AS THESE
DOCUMENTARIANS DISCOVERED, MIGHT
LOOK DELICIOUS, BUT VERY MUCH
ISN'T.
UGH.
IT'S NOT VERY GOOD, IAN.
TASTES LIKE SAWDUST.
YEAH.
IT'S DISGUSTING.
IT TASTES LIKE CHALK.
I REALLY THOUGHT IT WOULD
TASTE BETTER.
John: YEAH, TURNS OUT, SWEET
CORN IS AS SIMILAR TO DENT CORN
AS A CHOCOLATE BUNNY IS TO A
REAL BUNNY.
ONLY ONE OF THEM ACTUALLY TASTES
GOOD RAW.
NOW, I SHOULD POINT OUT-- DENT
CORN IS USED IN A LOT OF THINGS
THAT WE DO CONSUME, LIKE
CORNMEAL AND HIGH-FRUCTOSE CORN
SYRUP.
IT'S ALSO USED IN INDUSTRIAL
PRODUCTS, LIKE PAINTS AND
PLASTICS.
BUT IN RECENT YEARS, SUCH USES
HAVE ONLY ACCOUNTED FOR AROUND
15% OF WHAT WE DO WITH DENT
CORN, WITH AROUND 40% BEING USED
FOR LIVESTOCK FEED, AND THE
FINAL 45% BECOMING THE GASOLINE
ALTERNATIVE ETHANOL.
BUT AS YOU'LL SEE, WHILE CORN IS
INCREDIBLY VERSATILE, THE WAY
WE'VE INCENTIVIZED FARMING IT
HAS CAUSED CONSIDERABLE
DOWNSTREAM HARM.
BECAUSE IT TURNS OUT, CORN'S
UTTER DOMINANCE OF AMERICAN
AGRICULTURE COMES AT THE EXPENSE
OF OUR ENVIRONMENT, OUR HEALTH,
AND SOME OF OUR FARMING
COMMUNITIES.
JUST LISTEN TO ONE SCIENTIST WHO
GREW UP FARMING SUM UP HOW HE
FEELS ABOUT IT.
I GO BY A FIELD OF CORN.
LOOKS BEAUTIFUL TO ME.
YOU KNOW, THAT-- THAT COMES
FROM HAVING GROWN UP ON THE
KANSAS FARM.
IF YOU'RE NOT AWARE AS TO WHAT
IT IS THAT STANDS BEHIND ALL OF
THAT AGRICULTURE, YOU CAN LIVE
WITH THE ILLUSION THAT THERE'S
NOTHING WRONG.
John: RIGHT.
IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT'S BEHIND
THOSE STALKS OF CORN, YOU CAN
EASILY BELIEVE THERE'S NOTHING
WRONG.
BUT I'VE ALREADY SHOWN YOU THERE
COULD WELL BE A BUNCH OF FIFTH
GRADERS WANDERING AROUND BACK
THERE, RUNNING LOW ON SUPPLIES.
SO WE'RE PAST THE POINT OF THE
ILLUSION.
AND GIVEN THAT, TONIGHT, LET'S
TALK ABOUT A FEW OF THE KEY
PROBLEMS WITH CORN.
SPECIFICALLY, HOW WE SUBSIDIZE
IT, HOW WE GROW IT, AND WHAT WE
SHOVE IT INTO.
AND LET'S START WITH THE FACT
THAT THE U.S. IS INCREDIBLY
WELL-SUITED TO GROWING CORN, AS
THIS PROFESSOR EXPLAINS IN A
BIZARRE WALK-AND-TALK.
IT'S REALLY A TROPICAL CROP,
WARM SEASON CROP.
BUT THE GROWING SEASON HERE, THE
PRECIPITATION, THE RAINFALL THAT
WE GET, THE AMOUNT OF LIGHT THAT
WE GET, ALL THOSE THINGS COMBINE
TO JUST BE A WONDERFUL, PERFECT
ENVIRONMENT FOR IT TO GROW IN.
John: WHAT IS HAPPENING
THERE?
WHOSE IDEA WAS IT TO MAKE HIM DO
THAT?
"YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD MAKE THIS
POINT ABOUT THE PERFECT CLIMATE
OF THE CORN BELT REALLY LAND FOR
PEOPLE?
PROFESSOR ROGER ELMORE BEING
AGGRESSIVELY GROPED BY HORNY
STALKS OF IT."
BUT WHILE CHEMICAL FERTILIZERS,
CAREFUL BREEDING, AND NEW
TECHNOLOGY HAVE MADE FARMERS
ABLE TO GROW MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF
CORN, GOVERNMENT POLICY HAS ALSO
PLAYED A SIGNIFICANT ROLE, BY
HEAVILY THUMBING THE SCALE IN
INCENTIVIZING WHAT CROPS FARMERS
CHOOSE TO GROW.
MODERN FARM POLICY WAS BORN
DURING THE GREAT DEPRESSION,
WHEN FARMERS FACED A CRISIS.
NEARLY A MILLION LOST THEIR
FARMS IN THE FIRST FOUR YEARS
ALONE.
AND THAT'S WHEN FDR'S
ADMINISTRATION PASSED
LEGISLATION TO DRIVE THE PRICE
OF FARMED GOODS UP DURING TIMES
OF OVERSUPPLY, BY DOING THINGS
LIKE PAYING FARMERS TO PLANT
LESS.
BUT A KEY TURNING POINT CAME IN
THE 1970s, THANKS IN LARGE
PART TO A MAN NAMED-- AND THIS
IS TRUE-- EARL BUTZ.
HIS NICKNAME WAS ACTUALLY
"RUSTY," MEANING HE WAS KNOWN AS
TRUE AGAIN-- EARL "RUSTY"
BUTZ.
ANYWAY-- BUTZ, WHO WAS NIXON'S
AGRICULTURE SECRETARY, DISAGREED
WITH THE POLICY OF PAYING
FARMERS TO REDUCE SUPPLY, AND
SOUGHT TO SWING THE PENDULUM ALL
THE WAY IN THE OPPOSITE
DIRECTION.
WITH THE NEW FARM ACT, WE
HAVE EXPERIENCED A 180-DEGREE
TURN IN THE PHILOSOPHY OF OUR
FARM PROGRAMS.
WE'VE ABANDONED THE LONGTIME
PHILOSOPHY OF CURTAILMENT AND
CUTBACK TO THE NEW PHILOSOPHY OF
EXPANSION.
WE'RE GOING TO SEE THE MOST
MASSIVE INCREASE IN PRODUCTION
OF FARM PRODUCTS EVER IN THIS
HISTORY OF THIS COUNTRY.
John: YEAH, RUSTY BUTZ, A MAN
WHO LOOKS LIKE HE'D PROBABLY ONE
DAY HAVE TO RESIGN AFTER SAYING
A RACIAL SLUR-- INSISTED
EVERYONE SHOULD "GROW MORE."
AND HE DID THAT ONLY A FEW YEARS
BEFORE, UNSURPRISINGLY,
RESIGNING AFTER SAYING A RACIAL
SLUR.
BUT WHILE HE WAS STILL IN THE
JOB, BUTZ PUSHED HARD FOR
FARMERS TO EXPAND THEIR
OPERATIONS.
AND NIXON'S 1973 FARM BILL
REFLECTED HIS PHILOSOPHY.
FARMERS WOULD NO LONGER BE PAID
FOR NOT PLANTING CROPS.
INSTEAD, IF PRICES FELL BELOW A
CERTAIN TARGET, THE FEDERAL
GOVERNMENT WOULD SIMPLY PAY
FARMERS TO MAKE UP THE
DIFFERENCE, SIGNIFICANTLY
REDUCING THE RISK OF EXPANDING
YOUR OPERATION, AND
INCENTIVIZING FARMERS TO GO AS
BIG AS THEY COULD.
THESE POLICIES HELPED CREATE
ALMOST IMMEDIATE SURPLUSES IN
COMMODITY CROPS, ESPECIALLY
CORN.
AND SIMILAR POLICIES STILL EXIST
TODAY-- AND ON TOP OF THEM, THE
GOVERNMENT NOW ISSUES SUBSIDIES
TO PAY FOR PART OF A FARMER'S
CROP INSURANCE-- WHICH PROVIDES
COVERAGE TO FARMERS IF THEIR
CROPS FAIL.
THOSE SUBSIDIES HAVE AMOUNTED TO
OVER 60% OF THE INSURANCE
PREMIUMS IN RECENT YEARS.
AND WHILE THESE POLICIES
SOMETIMES GET POSITIONED AS
PROTECTIONS FOR SMALL FAMILY
FARMERS, THE TRUTH IS, THAT'S
NOT WHO REAPS THE VAST MAJORITY
OF THE BENEFITS, WHICH TEND TO
FLOW TO THE BIGGEST PRODUCERS.
IN FACT, OVER THE LAST 28 YEARS,
THE TOP 10% OF FARM SUBSIDY
RECIPIENTS RECEIVED 79% OF THE
SUBSIDIES, WITH OVER A QUARTER
OF THEM GOING TO THE TOP 1%.
MEANWHILE, THE VAST MAJORITY OF
FARMERS DO NOT BENEFIT FROM FARM
SUBSIDY PROGRAMS AT ALL.
AND THAT'S FOR MANY REASONS, NOT
LEAST OF WHICH IS THAT IT'S MUCH
HARDER FOR SMALL FARMS, WHICH
MIGHT GROW A WIDER VARIETY OF
CROPS, TO QUALIFY FOR THEM.
JUST LISTEN TO THIS FAMILY
EXPLAIN THEIR SMALL FARM'S
SITUATION.
WE GROW TOMATOES, WE GROW
BASIL, WE GROW CAULIFLOWER, WE
GROW BROCCOLI, WE GROW CHARD AND
CARROTS.
WE GROW THE HEALTHIEST CROPS
WE-- WE POSSIBLY CAN.
I DON'T THINK THERE IS A
SUBSIDY FOR ANY OF THE CROPS WE
GROW.
AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, THE
ONLY SUBSIDIES OUT THERE ARE FOR
THE BIG GRAIN PRODUCERS.
John: OKAY, FIRST, LET ME
JUST ADDRESS SOMETHING: THAT'S A
FUCKED-UP LOOKING CARROT THAT
KID'S HOLDING THERE.
BUT SECOND, IT DOES FEEL WRONG
THAT AN OPERATION GROWING
HEALTHY PRODUCE WOULDN'T RECEIVE
ANY SUBSIDIES, EVEN IF IT IS
CALLED "C'EST NATURELLE," WHICH
SOUNDS LESS LIKE A SMALL FAMILY
FARM AND MORE LIKE A
PH-BALANCING DOUCHE.
AND SOME BIG LANDOWNERS HAVE,
OVER THE YEARS, DEVELOPED ALL
SORTS OF WAYS TO GAME THE
FARM-SUBSIDY SYSTEM.
FOR INSTANCE, PAYMENTS USED TO
BE CAPPED ON A PER-FARM BASIS,
SO THEY SIMPLY STARTED
SUBDIVIDING THEMSELVES INTO
MULTIPLE ENTITIES, EACH OF WHICH
COULD THEN COLLECT THE MAXIMUM
PAYOUT.
BACK IN THE 2000S, THE GAO
POINTED OUT THIS PROBLEM--
NOTING THAT ONE LANDOWNER IN
ARKANSAS, DAVID BROOKS GRIFFIN,
HAD SPLIT HIS FARM INTO 66
SMALLER ONES AND SEEMED TO BE
LISTING HIS EMPLOYEES AS THEIR
OWNERS.
JUST WATCH WHAT HAPPENED WHEN
ONE REPORTER TRIED TO PAY
GRIFFIN A VISIT.
WE WANTED TO SPEAK WITH MR.
GRIFFIN, SHOWN HERE LEAVING ON
HIS HELICOPTER, BUT HE REFUSED.
SO, INSTEAD, WE SET OUT TO FIND
SOME OF THE PEOPLE GRIFFIN
ENLISTED AS OWNERS OF THOSE
SMALLER FARMS.
IT TOOK SOME HUNTING FOR US TO
FIND QUIMBY POTTS.
I'M A PARTNER IN THREE
DIFFERENT FARMS.
THE GOVERNMENT LISTS HIM AS A
PART OWNER OF SEVERAL OF THE
SMALLER FARMS.
BUT LIKE MANY LISTED AS OWNERS
OF PAPER FARMS, POTTS APPEARED
TO BE AN OWNER IN NAME ONLY.
THE RECORDS INDICATE, OVER
THREE YEARS, YOU RECEIVED
$340,000.
THROUGH THE FARMS.
THROUGH THE FARM PAYMENTS,
THAT'S RIGHT.
BUT DID YOU PUT THAT MONEY IN
YOUR BANK ACCOUNT?
YEAH, NO!
John: YEAH, OF COURSE "NO."
THAT IS VERY WELL SAID!
AND IF YOU'RE WONDERING HOW TO
TELL WHO THE REAL OWNER OF THE
FARM IS, IT'S NOT THE GUY WHO
AGREED TO THE INTERVIEW, AND IT
IS THE GUY "SHOWN LEAVING ON HIS
HELICOPTER."
BUT USDA INVESTIGATORS SAID THAT
WAS PERFECTLY LEGAL.
AND INCREDIBLY, SOME OF THE
RULES HAVE ONLY GOTTEN LOOSER
SINCE THEN.
UNDER THE CURRENT FARM BILL,
THAT PER-FARM PAYMENT LIMIT HAS
BEEN SCRAPPED.
AND WHILE THERE'S TECHNICALLY A
LIMIT OF $125,000 PER YEAR, PER
PERSON, CRUCIALLY, THERE IS NO
CAP ON HOW MANY PEOPLE CAN REACH
THE PAYMENT LIMIT.
SO IN ADDITION TO MORE IMMEDIATE
FAMILY MEMBERS LIKE PARENTS,
SIBLINGS, AND ADULT CHILDREN,
COUSINS, NIECES OR NEPHEWS ALSO
QUALIFY FOR PAYMENTS.
THE ONLY REAL REQUIREMENT IS
THAT YOU MUST BE "ACTIVELY
ENGAGED" IN FARMING.
BUT IT TURNS OUT, EVEN THAT
DOESN'T REALLY MEAN MUCH.
THE DEFINITION OF ACTIVELY
ENGAGED IN FARMING IS VERY
VAGUE, SO YOU CAN CALL INTO A
SHAREHOLDER MEETING EVERY NOW
AND THEN A FEW TIMES A YEAR OR
DO THINGS LIKE HAVE SOME SMALL
FINANCIAL RISK IN THE FARM IN
ORDER TO RECEIVE PAYMENTS.
SO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO EVER SET
FOOT ON A FARM TO RECEIVE THESE
PAYMENTS.
John: THAT'S TRUE.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO EVEN SET FOOT
ON A FARM, YOU CAN JUST BE THE
FARM OWNER'S COUSIN.
WHICH AS WE'RE ALL AWARE, CAN BE
SOMEONE YOU BARELY KNOW.
A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR
COUSIN IS: GET THEIR HOLIDAY
CARD ANNOUNCING THEIR THIRD
PREGNANCY, THINK "DIDN'T THEY
SAY THEY HATED KIDS?"
HANG THE CARD ON YOUR FRIDGE,
AND THEN THROW IT AWAY ONCE YOU
STOP FEELING GUILTY.
ALL OF WHICH, IN MY OPINION,
DOESN'T ENTITLE YOU TO $125,000
A YEAR.
AND LOOK, IT'S NOT LIKE CORN
IS THE ONLY CROP WE SUBSIDIZE IN
THIS WAY.
YOU COULD MAKE SIMILAR
CRITICISMS OF WHEAT OR SOYBEANS.
BUT THE BIGGEST SHARE OF THESE
SUBSIDIES IN RECENT DECADES HAVE
GONE TO CORN, FAR SURPASSING
THAT OF ANY OTHER CROP.
BASICALLY, IN THE WORLD OF
AGRICULTURAL PRODUCTS, CORN IS
THE UNQUESTIONABLE SUPERSTAR.
BEANS WANNA BE IT, OATS WANNA
FUCK IT.
AND AS THE CORN INDUSTRY HAS
BALLOONED, SOME OF THE BIGGEST
BENEFICIARIES HAVEN'T ACTUALLY
BEEN THE FARMERS THEMSELVES, BUT
ENORMOUS CORPORATIONS-- FROM
THESE FOUR COMPANIES THAT NOW
DOMINATE THE NITROGEN FERTILIZER
INDUSTRY, TO THESE TWO THAT NOW
DOMINATE NEARLY THREE-QUARTERS
OF THE SUPPLY OF SEEDS FOR CORN.
AND AS THE PRODUCTION OF CORN
HAS BECOME INCREASINGLY
INDUSTRIALIZED, THE METHODS
WE'VE USED TO SUPERCHARGE ITS
GROWTH HAVE TAKEN A TOLL ON THE
ENVIRONMENT.
TAKE NITROGEN FERTILIZER.
IT'S NEEDED TO INTENSIVELY FARM
ONE CROP OVER AND OVER AGAIN,
ESPECIALLY IF FARMERS DON'T TAKE
STEPS TO PROTECT THE SOIL'S
NATURAL FERTILITY.
AND CORN USES THE MOST
FERTILIZER OF ALL MAJOR U.S.
CROPS.
AND THAT CAN HAVE CONSEQUENCES
THAT MANY SCIENTISTS--
INCLUDING THAT GUY YOU SAW
EARLIER-- ARE CONCERNED ABOUT.
BECAUSE NITROGEN FERTILIZER IS
THE BIGGEST CONTRIBUTOR TO A
PROBLEM THAT HAPPENS WHEN
CONTAMINATED WATER ON
AGRICULTURAL LAND LEACHES INTO
GROUNDWATER, OR RUNS OFF INTO
RIVERS AND STREAMS, AND
EVENTUALLY GETS INTO OUR
DRINKING WATER-- WHICH CAN
CAUSE A CONDITION WITH A TRULY
HORRIFYING NAME.
SINCE THE 1940S, SCIENTISTS
HAVE WARNED THAT EXPOSURE TO
EXCESS NITRATES CAN INHIBIT
OXYGEN CIRCULATION IN AN
INFANT'S BLOOD.
CONSUMING HIGH-NITRATE WATER
WILL TEND TO STRIP OXYGEN OUT OF
THE BLOOD.
AND THAT PRODUCES THIS BLUE BABY
SYNDROME.
John: IT'S TRUE.
THERE'S A CONDITION CALLED "BLUE
BABY SYNDROME," WHERE EXCESS
NITRATES DEPRIVE KIDS OF OXYGEN
AND IT CAN BE FATAL.
IT'S SO HORRIFYING, YOU'RE NOT
EVEN REGISTERING THAT THAT MAN
IS CALLED "RANDY BEAVERS."
WHICH IN ANY OTHER SITUATION
WOULD BE ALL ANYONE CARES ABOUT.
AND I DO HOPE WE CAN ALL AGREE:
NO CHILD SHOULD EVER BE TURNED
BLUE UNLESS THEY DISOBEYED
MR. WONKA'S CLEAR INSTRUCTIONS
ABOUT NOT TRYING THE CHEWING
GUM, AND ARE NOW SUFFERING THE
ONLY SLIGHTLY DISPROPORTIONATE
CONSEQUENCES.
AND IT'S NOT JUST HUMANS AT RISK
BECAUSE WHEN THAT
CONTAMINATED RUNOFF EVENTUALLY
WASHES INTO THE SEA, IT CAN
CAUSE SERIOUS PROBLEMS IN THERE,
TOO, AS THIS LOCAL NEWS REPORTER
CHOSE TO TELL PEOPLE IN A
TOTALLY NORMAL WAY.
HERE IS A LITTLE BIT WHAT
IT'S LIKE TO BE A FISH THIS TIME
OF YEAR IN PARTS OF THE
CHESAPEAKE BAY.
I CAN'T BREATHE!
THAT'S BECAUSE IN THE HOTTEST
PART OF THE SUMMER, AS MUCH AS
15% OF THE BAY HAS NO OXYGEN IN
THE WATER.
IT'S CALLED THE DEAD ZONE.
I CAN'T BREATHE!
John: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
THE NUMBER ONE THING YOU'RE
TAUGHT AS A CHILD IS NOT TO PUT
A PLASTIC BAG OVER YOUR HEAD,
AND HE'S DOING IT ON TV, WHICH
IS HUGELY RECKLESS!
EVERYONE HAS A PLASTIC BAG, IT'S
NOT HARD TO GET.
I'VE GOT ONE RIGHT HERE.
BUT I KNOW I SHOULDN'T PUT IT
ON MY HEAD, NOT EVEN TO MAKE A
POINT ABOUT THE LACK OF OXYGEN
IN THE CHESAPEAKE BAY, OR ABOUT
HOW YOU SHOULDN'T PUT A PLASTIC
BAG ON YOUR HEAD ON TV.
I COULD DO IT.
BUT I SHOULDN'T.
IT'S TEMPTING...
BUT I WON'T.
I WON'T.
CHILDREN ARE WATCHING.
NOT MINE-- THEY'VE SAID "YOU
COULDN'T PAY US TO WATCH."
WHICH, FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH, I
KIND OF DO.
ALL THEIR MONEY WAS FIRST MY
MONEY.
THAT SAID, IT'S A NO FROM MY
KIDS.
ANYWAY.
I WON'T DO IT.
BUT THIS ISN'T GOODBYE.
IT'S SEE YOU LATER.
AND IT'S NOT JUST THE
CHESAPEAKE.
THE GULF OF MEXICO HAS A DEAD
ZONE THAT AT ONE POINT WAS THE
SIZE OF NEW JERSEY, WITH STUDIES
FINDING FARM FERTILIZER IS THE
SINGLE LARGEST CONTRIBUTOR.
OVERFARMING OF CORN HAS ALSO LED
TO SEVERE EROSION IN SOME AREAS,
WHICH CAN LEAD TO HAZARDOUS DUST
STORMS.
IN FACT, THIS STORM FROM LAST
YEAR IN CENTRAL ILLINOIS KILLED
SEVEN PEOPLE, AND WAS DIRECTLY
TIED TO FARMERS TILLING THEIR
LAND TO PLANT CORN AND SOYBEANS.
SO WE'VE TALKED ABOUT HOW OUR
SUBSIDIES FOR CORN HAVE CAUSED
AN INCREASE IN PRODUCTION, AND
WE'VE TALKED ABOUT HOW WE GROW
IT.
WHICH BRINGS US TO THE THIRD SET
OF PROBLEMS HERE: WHAT WE PUT IT
IN.
AND REMEMBER: 40% OF THE CORN WE
GROW IS GOING TO FEED COWS,
HOGS, AND POULTRY.
AND WHILE LIVESTOCK'S ALWAYS
BEEN FED SOME CORN, THE USE OF
IT'S BEEN TURBOCHARGED BY THE
FACT IT'S NOW SO CHEAP.
AS ONE JOURNALIST HAS WRITTEN,
TAXPAYER SUBSIDIES FOR CORN HAVE
SERVED AS "FINANCIAL JET FUEL"
FOR A NEW BREED OF INDUSTRIAL
MEAT PRODUCERS, BECAUSE FEED IS
THEIR BIGGEST COST.
BUT THE THING IS, THESE ANIMALS
AREN'T EVOLVED TO HAVE A DIET
THAT'S PREDOMINANTLY CORN.
IT'S BAD FOR THEIR DIGESTIVE
SYSTEM, AS THIS MAN IN A CAR
EXPLAINS TO THOSE DOCUMENTARIANS
YOU SAW EARLIER, IN A WEIRDLY
CHEERY WAY.
WHAT ARE YOU EATING FOR LUNCH
HERE TODAY?
CORN-FED BEEF!
DO YOU ACTUALLY KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT CORN-FED BEEF?
DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT DOES TO 'EM?
WHAT DOES IT--
TO THE CATTLE.
IT'S A GOOD THING THEY SLAUGHTER
WHEN THEY DO, BECAUSE IT
ACTUALLY KILLS THEM TO FEED
THEM-- TO MAKE THE MEAT LIKE
THAT.
SO, THEY'D BE DEAD IN SIX MONTHS
ANYWAY, EATING THAT STUFF.
SO, IT'S JUST AS WELL WHEN THEY
SLAUGHTER 'EM.
REALLY?
YEAH.
IT'S TERRIBLE.
WHERE IS THIS?
EVERY MAJOR CONFINEMENT
FEEDLOT EVERYWHERE.
John: HONESTLY, I KIND OF
LOVE THAT GUY.
HE SHOULD BE THE MASCOT FOR
EVERY FAST FOOD CHAIN.
FUCK RONALD MCDONALD, THIS IS
THE MOST ACCURATE MASCOT
IMAGINABLE: AN IMPOSSIBLY
AMERICAN MAN WHO THINKS THE FOOD
TASTES GOOD, KNOWS IT'S TIED TO
SUFFERING AND ULTIMATELY JUST
WANTS TO BRING HIS WILDCARD
ENERGY TO THE PARKING LOT.
THIS IS MY BURGER KING.
AND THE PROBLEMS CORN CAUSES FOR
THE DIGESTIVE SYSTEMS OF
LIVESTOCK CAN LEAVE CATTLE MORE
SUSCEPTIBLE TO LIVER ABSCESSES,
WHICH IS A MAJOR REASON WHY
ANTIBIOTICS ARE OFTEN ADDED TO
THE FEED OF ENTIRE HERDS OF BEEF
CATTLE, A PRACTICE THE W.H.O.
HAS DISCOURAGED, OUT OF CONCERN
IT'S CONTRIBUTING TO EXPANDING
ANTIBIOTIC RESISTANCE.
AND I ADMIT, IT'S MUCH LESS FUN
TO LEARN ABOUT THAT FROM ME THAN
IT WOULD'VE BEEN FROM THAT GUY
ABSOLUTELY HOUSING HIS
CHEESEBURGER.
"YEAH, MEDICATED FEED MIGHT GIVE
US ALL ANTIBIOTIC RESISTANT
UTI'S.
BON APPETIT!
CORN-FED BEEF!"
BUT MAYBE THE MOST RIDICULOUS
WAY WE USE CORN IS ETHANOL--
WHICH, REMEMBER, ACCOUNTS FOR
45% OF OUR DOMESTIC CORN USE.
ETHANOL USED TO BE KNOWN AS
GASOHOL, AND WHILE IT'S BEEN
AROUND SINCE THE '30S, IT WAS
DURING THE 1970S ENERGY CRISIS
THAT IT REALLY TOOK OFF, WITH
BOOSTERS LIKE THIS ILLINOIS
AGRICULTURE OFFICIAL LEADING THE
WAY, WITH AN UNFORTUNATE
HISTORICAL ANALOGY.
MR. MAVIS, WHY ARE YOU SO
HIGH ON GASOHOL?
WELL, AS YOU CAN TELL, I HAVE
SOME AGE ON ME, CHARLAYNE, AND
PROBABLY SINCE PEARL HARBOR IT'S
THE ONLY THING I'VE SEEN THAT'S
BEEN GOOD FOR ALL OF AMERICA.
John: HUH!
THAT'S A PRETTY WEIRD WAY TO
CHARACTERIZE PEARL HARBOR, THE
SURPRISE ATTACK THAT KILLED OVER
2400 PEOPLE AND LED TO THE U.S.
ENTERING WORLD WAR TWO.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
LET'S GIVE HIM A BREAK, HE
PROBABLY JUST MISSPOKE.
I'M SURE HE WON'T SAY IT AGAIN.
IT BURNS WITHOUT THE USE OF
TETRAETHYL LEAD, ELIMINATES AN
EPA PROBLEM, IT EMPLOYS PEOPLE
IN AMERICA, IT TAKES AN
AGRICULTURAL SURPLUS THAT'S
KILLING US AND TURNS IT INTO
DOLLARS INSTEAD OF STORAGE, IT'S
THAT-- IT'S THAT PEARL HARBOR
WE'VE NEEDED.
John: OKAY, OKAY.
THE FIRST TIME HE SAID IT, I
THOUGHT, I DON'T THINK AL MAVIS
KNOWS WHAT PEARL HARBOR IS.
THE SECOND TIME I THOUGHT,
"MAYBE I DON'T KNOW WHAT PEARL
HARBOR IS."
BECAUSE WHAT IS GOING ON THERE?
WAS AL MAVIS, OF THE ILLINOIS
DEPARTMENT OF AGRICULTURE, AN
ADMIRAL IN THE JAPANESE NAVY?
BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE
OTHER EXPLANATIONS COULD BE.
I'M JUST SAYING-- AT THIS POINT
I CAN ONLY ASSUME THAT THE
PEOPLE WHO KNEW HIM SPENT 9/11
TEARFULLY GOING, "AL WOULD HAVE
LOVED THIS."
BUT AL MAVIS GOT HIS WAY.
BASICALLY, IN AN ATTEMPT TO
REDUCE OUR DEPENDENCY ON FOREIGN
OIL, WE PASSED THE ENERGY TAX
ACT OF 1978 WHICH ENCOURAGED THE
USE OF GASOHOL-- ETHANOL.
BUT WHAT REALLY SET THE WHEELS
IN MOTION FOR OUR HUGE ETHANOL
INDUSTRY TODAY WAS THE 2005
ENERGY BILL THAT CREATED THE
RENEWABLE FUEL STANDARD, WHICH
MANDATED THAT A CERTAIN AMOUNT
OF RENEWABLE FUEL HAD TO BE
BLENDED INTO THE DOMESTIC
GASOLINE SUPPLY.
ESSENTIALLY, EVERY GALLON OF
DOMESTIC GASOLINE NOW LEGALLY
HAS TO HAVE AT LEAST A LITTLE
BIT OF ETHANOL IN IT, THE SAME
WAY EVERY POP ALBUM CURRENTLY
HAS TO HAVE AT LEAST A LITTLE
BIT OF JACK ANTONOFF.
IT'S JUST THE LAW NOW.
UNDERSTANDABLY, THAT MANDATE
CREATED EVEN MORE DEMAND FOR
CORN IN THE DOMESTIC MARKET.
AND SOME, LIKE THIS IOWA FARMER,
WERE THRILLED BY THAT.
WE'VE SEEN OUR YIELDS RAISE
QUITE A BIT IN THE LAST SEVERAL
YEARS.
AND WE NEEDED A PLACE FOR THIS
EXTRA CORN TO BE GOING, AND
ETHANOL HAS FILLED THAT FOR US.
I'M SURE THERE ARE SOME
NEGATIVES, BUT I GUESS I-- I'M
NOT THINKING OF THEM RIGHT NOW.
John: YEAH, I'M SURE YOU'RE
NOT.
AND TO BE FAIR, THAT'S NOT
REALLY YOUR JOB.
BUT UNFORTUNATELY, IT "IS" MINE.
THINKING OF THE NEGATIVES IS
PRETTY MUCH ALL I DO, ALONG WITH
SPEAKING THE NEGATIVES OUT LOUD
AND MAKING JOKES ABOUT THE
NEGATIVES ALL WHILE MODELING THE
LATEST SUITS FROM "SIR MICHAEL
GAMBON'S HABERDASHERY FOR ODDLY
LONG GENTLEMEN."
AND THE TRUTH IS, THERE ARE
LOTS OF NEGATIVES WHEN IT
COMES TO ETHANOL.
MAINLY BECAUSE THE POSITIVES
HAVE BEEN WILDLY OVERSTATED.
WHILE ETHANOL LOBBYING GROUPS
HAVE LONG ARGUED THAT IT SLASHES
GREENHOUSE EMISSIONS, ONE RECENT
STUDY FOUND THAT, THANKS TO THE
FERTILIZER AND LAND-USE CHANGES
NEEDED TO GROW THE CORN FOR IT,
CORN ETHANOL PRODUCED UNDER THE
RENEWABLE FUEL STANDARD HAS A
CARBON FOOTPRINT AT LEAST 24%
HIGHER THAN REGULAR GASOLINE.
ON TOP OF THAT, THE DEMAND FOR
ETHANOL IS NOW EXPANDING CORN
PRODUCTION TO AREAS WHERE IT'S
MUCH LESS-SUITED TO BE GROWN,
PLACES LIKE TEXAS AND WESTERN
KANSAS, WHERE THE SHORTAGE OF
WATER MEANS CORN FIELDS NEED TO
BE IRRIGATED.
BUT THAT'S A PROBLEM, BECAUSE
CORN IS A WATER-INTENSIVE CROP,
AND IT CAN TAKE HUNDREDS OF
GALLONS OF WATER TO PRODUCE A
SINGLE GALLON OF ETHANOL.
AND THIS IS ALL HAPPENING EVEN
AS GROUNDWATER IS BEING
DANGEROUSLY DEPLETED NATIONWIDE.
AND THAT BRINGS US BACK TO OUR
LARGER POINT-- WHILE, FOR SOME
BIG FARM OPERATIONS, AND
ESPECIALLY THE BIG COMPANIES
THAT BENEFIT FROM CORN, THERE
MAY BE NO NEGATIVES TO THE
CURRENT WAY WE PRODUCE IT, FOR
EVERYONE ELSE, THERE REALLY ARE,
FROM DUST STORMS TO SICK COWS TO
BLUE BABIES TO THIS REPORTER
FROM YOUR ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARES.
SO WHAT CAN WE DO?
WELL, FOR STARTERS, I'D ARGUE WE
HAVE TO RETHINK THE RENEWABLE
FUEL STANDARD, BECAUSE IT JUST
MAKES NO SENSE.
BUT ON TOP OF THAT, WE MIGHT
WANT TO SIGNIFICANTLY RESET OUR
FARM POLICY.
ONE IDEA THAT'S BEEN FLOATED IS
TO MAKE THE FEDERAL SAFETY NET
FOR FARMERS CONTINGENT ON THEM
HAVING A STRATEGY FOR THINGS
LIKE PRESERVING TOPSOIL,
CONTROLLING CHEMICAL RUNOFF, AND
REDUCING GREENHOUSE GAS
EMISSIONS.
AND THE GOOD NEWS IS, THE FARM
BILL IS ACTUALLY CURRENTLY UP
FOR RENEWAL, AND WE COULD DO ALL
THAT!
THE BAD NEWS IS, AS YOU'VE SEEN,
THERE ARE POWERFUL INTERESTS
WITH NO REASON TO WANT THE
STATUS QUO TO CHANGE AT ALL.
BUT IT JUST HAS TO.
AND LET ME BE CLEAR: THIS ISN'T
A TAKEDOWN OF CORN.
I KNOW FOR LARGE SWATHS OF
AMERICA, IT'S AN UNDERSTANDABLE
SYMBOL OF PRIDE.
AND I GET THAT IT'S FRUSTRATING
TO BE LECTURED ABOUT IT, OR BE
PANDERED TO BY A POLITICIAN
PRETENDING TO BE FASCINATED BY
ITS EARS.
BUT I DO THINK IT'S LONG PAST
TIME WE SHIFT OUR FARMING POLICY
WHEN IT COMES TO AMERICA'S
NUMBER-ONE CROP.
AND MAYBE THE BEST WAY TO DRIVE
THIS HOME IS TO EXPLAIN IT IN
THE WAY PEOPLE SEEM TO MOST
ENJOY BEING EDUCATED ABOUT CORN,
AND THAT IS-- WATCHING SOMEONE
BE ABSOLUTELY ASSAULTED BY IT.
BECAUSE LOOK, CORN IS AS
BEAUTIFUL TO WATCH GROW AS IT IS
TO EAT SLATHERED IN BUTTER.
BUT UNLESS WE FORCE THE
GOVERNMENT AND THE HANDFUL OF
LARGE COMPANIES THAT CONTROL
THIS INDUSTRY TO CHANGE THEIR
PRIORITIES, WE'RE GOING TO BE
STUCK WHERE WE ARE, LIKE A BUNCH
OF FIFTH GRADERS IN THE WORLD'S
LARGEST CORN MAZE BEGGING FOR
OUR FUCKING LIVES.
THAT IS OUR SHOW.
THANKS SO MUCH FOR WATCHING.
WE'RE OFF NEXT WEEK, WE'LL BE
BACK THE WEEK AFTER THAT, GOOD
NIGHT!
HOW THE FUCK DO I GET OUT OF
HERE?
IS IT-- IS IT THIS WAY?
GET OFF ME.
GIVE ME SOME PERSONAL SPACE.
I DON'T LIKE TO BE TOUCHED BY A
CORN.
MILLIONS OF GERMANS AND
MIGRANTS IN