♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> John: WELCOME, WELCOME,
WELCOME TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT!"
I'M JOHN OLIVER.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING
US.
IT HAS BEEN A BUSY WEEK.
ISRAEL CONTINUED ITS ASSAULT ON
RAFAH, EVEN AS BIDEN UNVEILED
ISRAEL'S NEW PEACE PLAN THAT --
FUN FACT -- THE ISRAELI
GOVERNMENT APPARENTLY HASN'T
AGREED TO YET, AND A NEW YORK
BUSINESSMAN GOT INTO SOME LEGAL
TROUBLE, WHICH WAS UNDENIABLY
FUN TO WATCH UNFOLD LIVE.
>> WE HAVE OUR VERDICT,
SAVANNAH.
HERE WE GO:
COUNT 1, GUILTY.
COUNT 2, GUILTY.
COUNT 3, GUILTY.
COUNT 4, GUILTY.
COUNT 5, GUILTY.
COUNT 6, GUILTY.
COUNT 7, GUILTY.
COUNT 8, GUILTY.
COUNT 9, GUILTY.
COUNT 10, GUILTY.
COUNT 11, GUILTY,
COUNT 12, GUILTY.
COUNT 13, GUILTY,
COUNT 14, GUILTY.
COUNT 15, GUILTY,
COUNT 16, GUILTY.
COUNT 17, GUILTY.
COUNT 18, GUILTY.
COUNT 19, GUILTY.
COUNT 20, GUILTY.
COUNT 21, GUILTY,
COUNT 22, GUILTY.
COUNT 23...
GUILTY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> John: SHE DID THAT FOR ALL
34 DIFFERENT COUNTS.
AND IT IS SO SATISFYING TO
WATCH, I'D BE SURPRISED IF
SOMEONE HADN'T UPLOADED IT TO
PORNHUB BY NOW.
ANYWAY, THAT WILL BE SO FUN TO
REMEMBER FIVE MONTHS FROM NOW,
WHEN WE'RE WATCHING THAT EXACT
ANCHOR COUNT THE 270 ELECTORAL
VOTES THAT TRUMP'S WON, BECAUSE
NOTHING MATTERS AND WE LIVE IN A
BROKEN WORLD.
AND LOOK, THERE MIGHT BE MORE TO
SAY ABOUT THIS AFTER THE
SENTENCING, BUT FOR NOW, WE'RE
GOING TO DIVE STRAIGHT IN TO OUR
MAIN STORY TONIGHT, WHICH
CONCERNS INDIA.
THE LAST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD
THAT WANTS TO BE DISCUSSED BY
SOMEONE WITH THIS ACCENT.
WHICH IS WHY I'LL BE DOING THE
REST OF TONIGHT'S SHOW IN-A
DIS-A ONE!
EVERYBODY LOVE-A-DA
GIOVANNI OLIVER SHOW!
MAMMA MIA, BUCCA DE BEPPO,
EVERYBODY LOVE --
[SPEAKS IN NORMAL VOICE]
YEP, YEP, THAT'S FAIR, I
I DIDN'T LOVE WHERE THAT WAS
HEADING.
INDIA IS IN THE MIDDLE OF AN
ELECTION RIGHT NOW, AND I DO
MEAN IN THE MIDDLE, BECAUSE
VOTING STARTED SEVERAL WEEKS
AGO, AND ONLY JUST ENDED, WITH
RESULTS EXPECTED TUESDAY.
AND IT'S A LONG PROCESS FOR A
REASON.
INDIA IS THE LARGEST COUNTRY IN
THE WORLD BY POPULATION -- WITH
OVER 1.4 BILLION PEOPLE, THE
EQUIVALENT OF ROUGHLY FOUR
UNITED STATES, SIX BRAZILS,
NINE RUSSIAS, 34 CANADAS, OR
1.4 BILLION KEVINS.
IT IS A LOT OF PEOPLE.
AND THE SHEER MECHANICS OF
SETTING UP AN ELECTION THAT SIZE
ARE MIND-BLOWING.
>> BY LAW, EVERY VOTER MUST BE
WITHIN TWO KILOMETERS OR A
LITTLE MORE THAN A MILE OF A
POLLING STATION.
TO SET THEM UP, OFFICIALS TREK
OVER ROUGH AND MOUNTAINOUS
TERRAIN AND ACROSS RIVERS.
>> TAKING BOATS, CHOPPERS, EVEN
HORSES, TREKKING THROUGH
MOUNTAINS DEEP IN THE HIMALAYAS
AND THROUGH LION-INFESTED
JUNGLES.
SOMETIMES A TEAM TRAVELS
70 KILOMETERS TO SET UP A BOOTH
FOR JUST ONE PERSON.
>> John: THAT IS INCREDIBLE.
AND JUST IMAGINE IF WORKERS
DRAGGED A POLLING PLACE THROUGH
MOUNTAINS AND RIVERS, JUST FOR
YOU, AND THEN YOU FORGOT TO
VOTE.
"OH, WAS THAT TODAY?
I'M SORRY, IT SLIPPED MY MIND.
THANKS SO MUCH FOR GETTING
THROUGH THAT LION-INFESTED
JUNGLE FOR ME, THOUGH.
I'LL DEFINITELY TRY AND REMEMBER
NEXT TIME!"
RESULTS FOR INDIA'S ELECTION
WILL BE ANNOUNCED ON JUNE 4, AND
WHILE WE DON'T YET KNOW WHO'S
GOING TO WIN, WE ACTUALLY KIND
OF DO, BECAUSE IT'S GONNA BE
NARENDRA MODI, WHO'S
OVERWHELMINGLY FAVORED TO WIN A
THIRD TERM.
IN FACT, MOST EXPERTS AGREE THE
ONLY REAL QUESTION MARK IS,
"HOW MUCH WILL HE AND HIS PARTY,
THE BJP, WIN BY?"
ONE POLLING ORGANIZATION FOUND
HE HAS AN APPROVAL RATING OF
74%, MORE THAN ANY WORLD LEADER
THEY TRACK.
AND FOR SOME INDIANS, PART OF
MODI'S APPEAL IS THE SENSE THAT
UNDER HIS LEADERSHIP, THE
COUNTRY'S BEEN ON THE RISE,
ENJOYING INCREASED PROMINENCE ON
THE WORLD STAGE -- FROM BIDEN
HOSTING MODI FOR A STATE VISIT
LAST YEAR, TO THE AUSTRALIAN
PRIME MINISTER INTRODUCING HIM
AT A PACKED ARENA IN SYDNEY WITH
THIS MEMORABLE LINE:
>> THE LAST TIME I SAW SOMEONE
ON THIS STAGE HERE WAS
BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN, AND HE DIDN'T
GET THE WELCOME THE
PRIME MINISTER MODI HAS GOT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
PRIME MINISTER MODI IS THE BOSS.
>> John: OKAY, THAT IS SOME
WEAPONS-GRADE ASS-KISSING AND
ALSO A PRETTY STRANGE WAY OF
TRANSFERRING TITLES.
"BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN DIDN'T GET
THIS REACTION, SO YOU'RE THE
BOSS NOW.
YOU ALSO GOT A BIGGER REACTION
THAN MADONNA, LUXEMBOURG'S
HENRI GUILLAUME, AND LIZZO, SO
BY THE TRANSITIVE PROPERTY, YOU
ARE NOW QUEEN OF POP, THE
GRAND DUKE OF LUXEMBOURG, AND
100% THAT BITCH."
YET, DESPITE MODI'S POPULARITY,
THERE ARE SOME MAJOR CAUSES FOR
CONCERN.
IF YOU'RE THINKING, "HAVEN'T YOU
TALKED ABOUT THIS BEFORE?"
YOU'RE HALF-RIGHT.
WE'VE ACTUALLY COVERED MODI
TWICE BEFORE: ONCE FOUR YEARS
AGO AND ONCE FOR OUR VERY FIRST
EPISODE WHICH WAS -- BASED ON
THIS PHOTO -- 200 YEARS AGO.
AND THOSE EPISODES ACTUALLY
STAND UP PRETTY WELL.
IN FACT, I ASKED MY STAFF TO
PICK A CLIP THEY FEEL IS
REPRESENTATIVE, AND THEY TELL ME
THEY'VE FOUND THE PERFECT ONE,
SO GO AHEAD AND ROLL IT!
>> John: HITLER IS THE ONE WHO
STEPPED UP AND GOT IT DONE, AND
FOR THAT I SAY, "WAY TO GO,
HITLER."
>> John: WHOA, WHOA, HOLD ON.
THAT NEEDS A LOT MORE CONTEXT
AROUND IT.
FUCK YOU FOR CHOOSING THAT.
EXPLAINED IN THOSE EPISODES IS
THAT MODI'S PARTY, THE BJP, HAS
A LONG HISTORY OF ESPOUSING
HINDU NATIONALISM --
ESSENTIALLY, REJECTING INDIA'S
HISTORY AS A PLURALISTIC NATION,
AND TRYING TO PUSH IT TOWARD
BECOMING AN EXPLICITLY HINDU
ONE.
IT'S LONG BEEN AFFILIATED WITH A
PARAMILITARY GROUP CALLED THE
RSS, WHOSE EARLY LEADERS ADMIRED
HITLER -- AND THAT, FOR THE
RECORD, WAS THE CONTEXT FOR THAT
JOKE.
IT WAS A PRETTY GOOD HITLER JOKE
-- SO GOOD, IN FACT, I'M
GUESSING, EVEN HITLER WOULD SAY,
"WAY TO GO, JOHN!"
AND PLEASE DO NOT TAKE THAT
IMAGE OUT OF CONTEXT AS WELL.
WE ALSO TALKED ABOUT HOW, OVER
THE COURSE OF MODI'S RISE, HE'D
CHOSEN TO BE "STRATEGICALLY
QUIET" ABOUT HIS
PSEUDO-AUTHORITARIAN, PRO-HINDU
VISION OF INDIA.
BUT THERE'S BEEN A NOTICEABLE
SHIFT IN HIS RHETORIC DURING
THIS ELECTION SEASON, BECAUSE
HIS SPEECHES HAVE STARTED TO
CONTAIN OVERT ANTI-MUSLIM
STATEMENTS LIKE THIS ONE, IN
WHICH HE CLAIMS THAT, IF
ELECTED, HIS RIVAL POLITICAL
PARTY WILL HAND OVER THE
COUNTRY'S WEALTH TO MUSLIMS.
>> THE EARLIER GOVERNMENT SAID
THE MUSLIMS WILL HAVE THE RIGHT
OVER THE RESOURCES OF THE
COUNTRY.
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?
THIS MEANS THEY WILL GATHER ALL
THE WEALTH AND GIVE IT TO THE
PEOPLE WHO HAVE MORE CHILDREN.
THEY WILL DISTRIBUTE IT AMONG
THE INFILTRATORS.
DO YOU THINK YOUR HARD-EARNED
MONEY SHOULD BE DISTRIBUTED TO
THE INFILTRATORS?
DO YOU ACCEPT THAT?
>> John: THAT IS MODI REFERRING
TO INDIA'S MUSLIM CITIZENS AS
"INFILTRATORS" -- AND THAT'S NOT
THE ONLY TROUBLING SIGN.
THE BJP'S PRODUCED INCENDIARY
VIDEOS LIKE THIS ONE, SHOWING A
BIRD LABELED MUSLIM BEING
PLANTED IN A NEST AND THEN
CONSUMING ALL THE FUNDING WHILE
THE OTHER BIRDS GET NOTHING.
AND LOOK, THAT'S ALREADY UGLY
ENOUGH.
BUT IT'S ALSO COMING AT A TIME
WHEN MODI AND HIS PARTY HAVE
SEEMED INCREASINGLY COMFORTABLE
THREATENING DEMOCRATIC
INSTITUTIONS BY, AMONG OTHER
THINGS, STIFLING POLITICAL
OPPOSITION AND FREEDOM OF THE
PRESS.
IN FACT, ON MULTIPLE FRONTS,
INDIA SEEMS TO BE SLIDING TOWARD
AUTHORITARIANISM.
SO GIVEN THAT, TONIGHT, LET'S
CHECK IN ON NARENDRA MODI --
WHAT'S HE'S BEEN DOING IN
OFFICE AND WHAT HE MIGHT DO
NEXT.
AND LET'S START WITH WHY IT
SEEMS SO LIKELY HE'S GOING TO BE
REELECTED.
SOME OF HIS POPULARITY COMES
FROM THE VERY REAL ADVANCES
INDIA'S MADE UNDER HIS
LEADERSHIP, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT
COMES TO INFRASTRUCTURE.
HE INITIALLY CAMPAIGNED ON
ISSUES LIKE EXPANDING ACCESS TO
SANITATION AND WATER FACILITIES,
AND HAS INVESTED BILLIONS IN A
NATIONWIDE UPGRADE OF THE
COUNTRY'S ROADS, RAILWAYS,
AIRPORTS, AND SEAPORTS.
ON TOP OF THAT, THERE'VE BEEN
PROGRAMS TO ALLEVIATE POVERTY,
FOR WHICH SOME CITIZENS THANK
HIM PERSONALLY.
>> 60% OF THE POPULATION
BENEFITS FROM MODI'S FOOD
DISTRIBUTION SCHEME, WHICH HE
HAS PLEDGED TO RENEW FOR ANOTHER
FIVE YEARS.
>> EVERY MONTH, THEY GIVE ME
FIVE KILOS OF RICE AND FLOUR.
IF MODI IS NO LONGER THE HEAD OF
THE COUNTRY, I DON'T THINK WE'LL
GET ANY HELP.
AND THAT SCARES ME TO DEATH.
WE WANT MODI IN POWER, NOT
ANYONE ELSE.
>> John: YEAH, YOU CAN SEE WHY
PEOPLE MIGHT LOVE HIM FOR THAT,
ESPECIALLY SINCE THE GRAIN
LITERALLY ARRIVES IN A BAG WITH
HIS FACE ON IT.
WHICH FEELS A LITTLE
EGOTISTICAL.
IT'D BE LIKE IF LYNDON JOHNSON
SIGNED THE FOOD STAMP ACT OF
1964, BUT INSISTED THAT FOOD
STAMPS BE REBRANDED AS "LYNDON'S
LUCKY YUM-YUM VOUCHERS."
IT'S STILL A GOOD PROGRAM, BUT I
DUNNO, MAN, MAYBE TURN IT DOWN A
NOTCH.
AND THAT'S NOT THE ONLY WAY
THAT MODI TRIED TO TAKE CREDIT
FOR PROGRESS ON HIS WATCH.
UP UNTIL THE ELECTION BEGAN,
SOME TRAIN STATIONS HAD MODI
SELFIE BOOTHS, WHERE YOU COULD
TAKE A PICTURE WITH HIM AND
SYMBOLS OF HIS ACHIEVEMENTS:
FROM INDIA'S SPACE PROGRAM, TO A
GIANT TAP REPRESENTING WATER
CONNECTIONS, TO A HUGE BOTTLE OF
COVID VACCINE.
IT WAS HIS NOT-SO-SUBTLE WAY OF
MAKING SURE YOU ASSOCIATE HIS
FACE WITH ALL OF INDIA'S WINS,
KIND OF LIKE HOW TRUMP MAKES
SURE HIS NAME IS ON ALL OF HIS
PRODUCTS AND ELON MUSK MODELED
ALL OF HIS CYBERTRUCKS ON HIS
WEIRD PENIS.
I'M NOT BODY-SHAMING.
I'M JUST SAYING, HIS PENIS DOES
LOOK LIKE THAT -- INCLUDING THE
WHEELS -- AND THAT'S WHAT HE
WANTS YOU TO THINK ABOUT THE
NEXT TIME YOU SEE ONE SLOWLY
ROLLING INTO A TREE WHENEVER IT
RAINS.
ALTHOUGH, I WILL SAY, SOMETIMES
MODI'S TENDENCY TO TAKE CREDIT
FOR THINGS CAN BE A BIT OF A
STRETCH.
>> IN THIS PROMOTIONAL VIDEO,
IT'S EVEN SUGGESTED THAT HE
HALTED THE WAR IN UKRAINE TO
ENSURE THE SAFE RETURN OF HIS
CITIZENS.
>> MODI BROUGHT US HOME.
HE STOPPED THE WAR, DAD.
>> John: WAIT, HE STOPPED THE
WAR?
ARE YOU COMPLETELY SURE ABOUT
THAT?
I FEEL LIKE I'D REMEMBER IF MODI
HAD SOMEHOW HIT PAUSE ON THE WAR
IN UKRAINE LIKE IT'S A
"CALL OF DUTY" GAME AND
HIS MOM JUST CALLED HIM FOR
DINNER.
NOW A KEY THING MODI LIKES TO
BRAG ABOUT IS HIS ECONOMIC
RECORD.
ON HIS WATCH, INDIA HAS GROWN TO
BECOME THE WORLD'S FIFTH LARGEST
ECONOMY.
IT'S ALMOST TWICE AS BIG AS IT
WAS, AND ITS STOCK MARKET HAS
GROWN THREEFOLD SINCE HE TOOK
OFFICE.
BUT THOSE NUMBERS ONLY TELL PART
OF THE STORY.
FOR ONE THING, THE ECONOMY WAS
ALREADY IMPROVING BEFORE MODI
TOOK OVER, SO HE INHERITED AN
UPWARD TRAJECTORY.
AND FOR ANOTHER, THE PRECISE
MEASURES OF GROWTH THAT HIS
GOVERNMENT CITES HAVE BEEN
CALLED INTO QUESTION, WITH EVEN
MODI'S FORMER ECONOMIC AIDES
FINDING THE RECENT GROWTH RATES
OF 8% ANNOUNCED BY THE
GOVERNMENT "MYSTIFYING."
SIMILARLY, WHILE HE CLAIMS HE'S
LIFTED MILLIONS OUT OF POVERTY,
AS THIS ECONOMIST POINTS OUT,
THAT COMES WITH A MASSIVE
ASTERISK.
>> SO WHAT THE GOVERNMENT HAS
DONE IS THAT IT'S CHANGED HOW IT
IS GOING TO DEFINE POVERTY.
IT'S USING ONE MULTIDIMENSIONAL
POVERTY MEASURE, WHICH IS, SHALL
WE SAY, PROBLEMATIC, AND WHICH
IS DESIGNED TO SUGGEST THAT LESS
AND LESS PEOPLE ARE POOR.
WE HAVE A VERY, VERY LARGE
NUMBER OF POOR, AND ALL KINDS OF
DATA ARE TELLING US THAT NOT
ONLY DO WE STILL HAVE A VERY
LARGE NUMBER OF INCOME POOR, BUT
OTHER KINDS OF POVERTY, LIKE
FOOD POVERTY, MAY WELL BE
INCREASING.
>> John: RIGHT, ANYONE CAN GET
RID OF "ALL" POVERTY IF YOU JUST
CHANGE THE DEFINITION OF
"POOR PEOPLE" TO SOMETHING ELSE,
LIKE, I DUNNO, "FIRE HYDRANTS"
OR "OPPOSITE SNAKES."
AND IF YOU'RE THINKING, "WAIT:
SO, THERE'S BEEN SUBSTANTIAL
GROWTH AND INCREASING POVERTY AT
THE SAME TIME?"
THE REASON IS -- ACTUALLY, HANG
ON, I CAN FEEL YOU'RE GETTING
HUNG UP ON SOMETHING.
OPPOSITE SNAKES ARE JUST ARMS
AND LEGS, NO FACE OR TAIL.
BASICALLY, FOUR LEGS WITH
FINGERS ON THE END AND A BUTT IN
THE MIDDLE, COVERED WITH HAIR.
NOW, IF YOU'RE WONDERING HOW
GROWTH AND POVERTY CAN COEXIST
-- THEY LIVE IN THE JUNGLE.
THAT'S WHERE OPPOSITE SNAKES
LIVE.
JUST TO GET AHEAD OF ANY HABITAT
QUESTIONS.
OKAY?
IF YOU'RE THINKING THAT GROWTH
AND -- SORRY.
VIEWERS AT HOME PROBABLY CAN'T
TELL, BUT IT HAS GOT A BIT TENSE
IN HERE.
SO QUICKLY, I'LL ADDRESS AS MANY
QUESTIONS AS I CAN: HOW DO
OPPOSITE SNAKES EAT?
THROUGH A VERTICAL SLIT ON THE
UNDERSIDE.
WHAT ARE ITS KNOWN PREDATORS?
UM, BADGERS, MONGEESE, ANY OF
THOSE GORILLAS THEY TAUGHT
SIGN LANGUAGE TO, BEES, MAN, AND
DOLPHINS.
LIKE REGULAR SNAKES, OPPOSITE
SNAKES COME FROM EGGS BUT THEIR
EGGS ARE VIOLENT.
THEY LIVE FOR 85 YEARS, THEY
HAVE TONGUE TAILS, THE PROPER
COLLECTIVE NOUN IS
"A NIGHTMARE."
"A NIGHTMARE OF OPPOSITE SNAKES
IS HOUNDING THAT CAPYBARA."
THEIR MEAT IS INEDIBLE, THEIR
SKIN'S TOXIC, AND THEIR BONES
ARE HAUNTED.
IF YOU HAVE ANY OTHER QUESTIONS
ABOUT OPPOSITE SNAKES, YOU CAN
JUST GO TO OppositeSnakes.com TO
LEARN MORE.
ANYWAY, WHAT WERE WE TALKING
ABOUT?
OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
IF YOU'RE WONDERING HOW THERE'S
BEEN BOTH SUBSTANTIAL GROWTH AND
INCREASING POVERTY, THAT IS
BECAUSE INDIA'S ECONOMIC GAINS
HAVE BEEN WIDELY UNEQUAL.
BY SOME ESTIMATES, JUST
1 MILLION PEOPLE NOW CONTROL
AROUND 80% OF INDIA'S WEALTH.
AND AS THEY'VE GOTTEN RICHER,
MUCH OF THE COUNTRY HAS GOTTEN
POORER.
EVEN WITH ALL THOSE BAGS OF
GRAIN WITH HIS FACE ON THEM,
UNDER MODI, THE COUNTRY HAS
FALLEN IN THE GLOBAL HUNGER
INDEX, AND NOW SITS BELOW
NORTH KOREA AND WAR-TORN SUDAN.
AND YOU WOULD THINK THAT ALL
THIS WOULD BE FERTILE GROUND FOR
MODI'S CRITICS TO EXPLOIT.
BUT IT'S ACTUALLY HARD TO DO
THAT IN INDIA.
FOR ONE THING, IT'S DIFFICULT TO
CONFRONT HIM TO HIS FACE,
BECAUSE HE HASN'T HELD A SINGLE
PRESS CONFERENCE IN INDIA IN THE
LAST TEN YEARS.
AND THE INTERVIEWS THAT HE'S
GRANTED HAVE BEEN THE EXACT
OPPOSITE OF HARD-HITTING.
>> DO YOU CARRY A PURSE ON YOU?
A WALLET TO HOLD YOUR CASH?
>> DO YOU HAVE A BEST FRIEND?
BEST FRIEND FOREVER, WITH WHOM
YOU SHARE MATTERS OF THE HEART?
>> AT THIS AGE, HOW DO YOU BRING
SO MUCH ENERGY?
>> DOES OUR PRIME MINISTER EAT
MANGOES?
DOES HE CUT IT FIRST OR EAT IT
WITH THE STONE STILL IN?
>> John: OKAY, MOST OF THOSE
QUESTIONS ARE EMBARRASSING
SOFTBALLS, BUT "HOW DO YOU EAT A
MANGO?" IS A VALID THING TO ASK.
MANGOES ARE NOTORIOUSLY HARD TO
PEEL AND EAT.
THEY'RE BASICALLY FRUIT JUICE
GRENADES COVERED IN RHINO SKIN.
AND IT'S NOT JUST ME WHO THINKS
THAT.
THERE ARE ENDLESS REDDIT POSTS
ABOUT THE SUBJECT, INCLUDING
"HOW THE HELL DO YOU EAT A
MANGO?"
"HOW THE FUCK DO YOU EAT A
MANGO?"
"MANGO EATERS OF REDDIT, WHAT IS
YOUR GO-TO PLAN OF ATTACK?"
AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE,
"HOW DOES ONE EAT A MANGO
WITHOUT MAKING A HUGE MESS?
WITH A SPOON?
WITH A KNIFE?
IT'S LIKE THAT FRUIT WAS
DESIGNED BY NAPKIN
MANUFACTURERS."
WHICH RECEIVED THE PITCH PERFECT
RESPONSE: "YOU DO NOT.
YOU ACCEPT THAT THE MANGO IS A
DELICIOUS MESS AND PREPARE FOR
IT BEFOREHAND.
DO NOT MAKE THE MANGO PREPARE
FOR YOU.
YOU MAY NEED A BIB AND MOIST
TOWELETTES FOR THE PROCESS, BUT
THIS IS SIMPLY THE WAY IT MUST
BE."
WHICH IS EXCELLENT.
BECAUSE IT'S TRUE, THERE IS NO
WAY TO EAT A MANGO WITH DIGNITY.
ERGO, EMBRACE THE SLOPPY CHAOS
OF THE MANGO.
BUT IT IS NOT JUST FAWNING
INTERVIEWS.
WHAT CRITICISM THERE IS OF MODI
OFTEN GETS SUPPRESSED IN INDIA,
SOMETIMES IN A PRETTY
HEAVY-HANDED WAY.
>> PUBLICATIONS THAT HAVE DONE
STORIES CRITICAL OF INDIA'S
LEADERSHIP, LIKE THE BBC,
RECENTLY SAW THEIR OFFICES
RAIDED ON CHARGES OF TAX EVASION
OR MONEY LAUNDERING.
ONE OF THE COUNTRY'S MOST
POPULAR NEWS CHANNELS THAT
REPORTED CRITICALLY ON THE
GOVERNMENT, NDTV, HAD ITS
FOUNDERS RAIDED FOR BANK FRAUD.
>> John: IT'S TRUE.
NOT ONLY WERE THE FOUNDERS OF
NDTV RAIDED, BUT A FEW YEARS
LATER, A BILLIONAIRE WITH CLOSE
TIES TO MODI BOUGHT IT, AND ITS
TONE IS NOW MUCH FRIENDLIER TO
HIM.
BASICALLY, IF YOU CRITICIZE
MODI, THERE'S A PRETTY GOOD
CHANCE THINGS ARE GOING TO GET
VERY UNPLEASANT FOR YOU.
AND GIVEN THAT WE'RE HERE IN
AMERICA, I'M HONESLTY NOT TOO
WORRIED ABOUT MODI'S GOONS
COMING AFTER ME.
BUT ON THE OFF CHANCE THEIR
REACH DOES EXTEND THIS FAR, YOU
KNOW WHAT?
FUCKING TRY IT.
YOU WANT TO TRY AND SHUT US DOWN
FOR BEING CRITICAL?
I DARE YOU.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?
I'M BILL FUCKING MAHER, AND MY
SHOW HAS BEEN ON FOR --
HOLY SHIT -- OVER 20 YEARS NOW,
AND IF YOU WANT TO TAKE US DOWN,
TAKE YOUR BEST SHOT.
I, BILL MAHER, WOULD WELCOME IT.
IT IS NO WONDER THAT INDIA'S
CURRENTLY RANKED 159TH OUT OF
180 COUNTRIES FOR PRESS FREEDOM.
THAT IS 19 PLACES LOWER THAN
WHEN MODI FIRST CAME TO POWER.
BUT IT'S NOT JUST NATIONAL
MEDIA.
LOCAL OUTLETS HAVE BEEN
TARGETED, TOO.
THIS NETWORK IN KERALA WAS
SUDDENLY TAKEN OFF AIR BY THE
GOVERNMENT IN 2020, FOR REASONS
EXPLICITLY LINKED TO ITS
CONTENT.
>> THE SHUTDOWN WAS TRIGGERED BY
THE CHANNEL'S REPORTING ON
ANTI-MUSLIM RIOTS IN DELHI IN
FEBRUARY 2020.
ACCORDING TO THE NOTICE FROM THE
INFORMATION MINISTRY,
MEDIA ONE'S COVERAGE WAS BIASED
AND CRITICAL OF THE ROLE OF THE
DELHI POLICE AND OF A HINDU
NATIONALIST OUTFIT, THE RSS.
THE BAN WAS SOON REVERSED, THE
CHANNEL BACK ON AIR.
BUT THE SIGNAL WAS CLEAR: FALL
IN LINE OR ELSE.
>> John: YEAH, THAT'S NOT GOOD.
BECAUSE THAT CRACKDOWN CREATES A
CLEAR CHILLING EFFECT WHERE
MEDIA OUTLETS MAY WELL BE
INTIMIDATED OUT OF CRITICIZING
MODI.
WHY HOTSTAR, THE PLATFORM WE
WERE ON IN 2020, MYSTERIOUSLY
CHOSE TO BLOCK OUR EPISODE
CRITICIZING MODI.
AND LOOK, THERE ARE PLENTY OF
REASONS TO NOT WATCH THIS SHOW.
DEPRESSING SUBJECT MATTER, TOO
MUCH PROFANITY, AND THE VERY
FACT THE FRANTIC PACE OF MY
TALKING VOICE CAUSES DOGS TO --
AND THIS IS A MEDICAL TERM --
"GO NUTS."
ALSO, THE SHOW SEEMS BIASED,
IT'S TOO LONG, "I PREFER
JIMMY FALLON, KIMMEL, COLBERT,
SETH, OR JAMES CORDEN."
HI, MOM.
WHATEVER YOUR REASON, AT LEAST
IT'S YOUR CHOICE -- NOT SOMEONE
ELSE'S -- TO NOT WATCH.
WHAT I'M SAYING IS, MEANINGFUL
CRITICISM OF MODI IS SCARCE ON
TV IN INDIA.
IN FACT, MANY VETERAN ANCHORS
WHO WERE CRITICAL OF HIM HAVE
MIGRATED TO SITES LIKE YOUTUBE
INSTEAD, BUT THE GOVERNMENT MAY
SOON BE ABLE TO HEAVILY REGULATE
DIGITAL MEDIA, TOO.
IT'S PUSHING A LAW WHICH COULD
MEAN THAT ANYONE MAKING SOCIAL
COMMENTARY ONLINE WOULD HAVE TO
ADHERE TO ADVERTISING AND
PROGRAM CODES PRESCRIBED BY THE
GOVERNMENT.
MEANWHILE, AN AMENDMENT IS
WORKING ITS WAY THROUGH THE
COURTS, WHICH WOULD ESTABLISH A
FACT-CHECK UNIT, ALLOWING THE
GOVERNMENT TO IDENTIFY
"FAKE NEWS" ABOUT ITSELF AND
ORDER IT TO BE TAKEN DOWN.
AND I ACTUALLY HAVE A LEAD FOR
THAT FACT-CHECK UNIT: CHECK OUT
THE BATSHIT CLAIM THAT MODI
STOPPED THE WAR IN UKRAINE.
BECAUSE THERE'S A WEIRD VIDEO
GOING AROUND THAT YOU SHOULD
PROBABLY GET TAKEN DOWN.
AND IT'S NOT JUST THE PRESS
WHO'VE FOUND IT HARD TO TAKE ON
MODI.
THE SAME GOES FOR HIS POLITICAL
OPPOSITION.
HE'S CURRENTLY FACING OFF
AGAINST A COALITION CALLED THE
"INDIAN NATIONAL DEVELOPMENTAL
INCLUSIVE ALLIANCE" -- OR
"INDIA" FOR SHORT -- A
MONUMENTALLY WEAK NAME FOR A
COALITION.
THE FIRST "I" IN "INDIA" STANDS
FOR "INDIAN."
IT'D BE LIKE IF THE "H" IN "HBO"
STOOD FOR "HBO."
WHICH IT OBVIOUSLY DOESN'T.
IT STANDS FOR "HANK."
"HANK'S BOX OFFICE."
THE INDIA COALITION IS LED BY
THE CONGRESS PARTY, THE FACE OF
WHICH IS RAHUL GANDHI.
AND WHILE HIS PARTY NEVER STOOD
A REALISTIC CHANCE OF
CHALLENGING MODI, EVEN SO, ITS
CAMPAIGN HAS BEEN SIGNIFICANTLY
HAMPERED BY THE FACT THAT, JUST
WEEKS BEFORE THIS YEAR'S
ELECTION BEGAN, TAX AGENCIES
MOVED TO FREEZE THEIR BANK
ACCOUNTS.
AND ON THE SAME DAY THAT WAS
ANNOUNCED, THE HEAD OF ONE OF
INDIA'S OTHER OPPOSITION PARTIES
WAS ARRESTED.
AND LOOK, THOSE COULD BE JUST
MORE LUCKY, COMPLETE
COINCIDENCES FOR MODI.
EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT, OVER
THE YEARS, MULTIPLE POLITICIANS
WHO'VE OPPOSED THE BJP HAVE
FOUND THEMSELVES FACING CHARGES
OF FRAUD OR FINANCIAL
MALFEASANCE, ONLY FOR THOSE
CHARGES TO SUDDENLY STALL OR BE
DROPPED WHEN THEY SWITCH PARTIES
AND JOIN THE BJP INSTEAD.
THERE'S EVEN A TERM FOR IT:
"THE WASHING MACHINE," WHERE
SUPPOSEDLY DIRTY POLITICIANS
COME OUT CLEAN ONCE THEY SWITCH
SIDES.
AND IT IS A COMPLETELY OPEN
SECRET THERE.
>> ONE OPPOSITION POLITICIAN WHO
JOINED THE BJP IN 2022 LET THE
CAT OUT OF THE BAG WHEN HE SAID
HE SLEEPS EASIER NOW THAT HE'S A
MEMBER OF THE RULING PARTY.
>> I ALSO HAD TO SWITCH TO THE
BJP.
NOW I AM STRESS AND TENSION
FREE.
ALL IS GOOD.
NO OFFICIAL INQUIRIES, NO
INVESTIGATION, AND I CAN SLEEP
PEACEFULLY.
I AM TENSION FREE.
>> John: WOW, IT IS SO
UNIVERSALLY UNDERSTOOD, EVERYONE
IN THE AUDIENCE LAUGHED.
AND LAUGHED SO HARD, HONESTLY,
I'M A LITTLE BIT JEALOUS.
IT KIND OF MAKES ME WONDER IF I
SHOULD HAVE SPENT OUR LAST SHOW
ADMITTING TO POLITICAL
CORRUPTION INSTEAD OF -- WHAT
WERE WE TALKING ABOUT -- CORN?
I DID 25 MINUTES ON FUCKING
CORN?
AND PEOPLE WATCHED IT?
WHAT EXACTLY IS THIS SHOW?
BUT IN GENERAL, AND TO PUT IT
MILDLY, IT SEEMS GOOD TO BE ON
MODI'S GOOD SIDE, AND VERY, VERY
BAD TO BE ON HIS BAD SIDE.
AND THAT BRINGS US BACK TO HIS
ATTACKS ON MUSLIMS.
AS I MENTIONED EARLIER, HE AND
HIS PARTY ARE ADHERENTS TO
HINDU NATIONALISM, OR
"HINDUTVA."
IT USED TO BE A FRINGE IDEOLOGY,
BUT IS NOW MAINSTREAM, AND IT'S
BEEN SAID "NOBODY HAS DONE MORE
TO ADVANCE THIS CAUSE THAN
PRIME MINISTER NARENDRA MODI."
AND MUSLIMS, AS INDIA'S LARGEST
RELIGIOUS MINORITY, HAVE BORNE
THE BRUNT OF THIS.
EARLIER THIS YEAR, MODI FAMOUSLY
OPENED AN OVER $200 MILLION
HINDU TEMPLE, SHOWING UP
PERSONALLY TO HELP CONSECRATE
IT.
WHICH MIGHT SEEM BENIGN, UNTIL
YOU LEARN THAT TEMPLE WAS BUILT
ON THE FORMER SITE OF THIS
MOSQUE THAT WAS DEMOLISHED BY A
HINDU MOB IN 1992, IN AN
INCIDENT THAT SET OFF RIOTS
REPORTEDLY KILLING OVER 2,000
PEOPLE, MOST OF THEM MUSLIM.
SO IT'S A SITE OF TREMENDOUS
PAIN FOR INDIAN MUSLIMS, AND THE
SYMBOLISM OF OPENING A TEMPLE ON
THAT EXACT SPOT HAS BEEN CALLED
"THE CROWNING ACHIEVEMENT OF A
NATIONAL MOVEMENT AIMED AT
ESTABLISHING HINDU SUPREMACY IN
INDIA."
BUT THE DAMAGE HERE ISN'T JUST
SYMBOLIC.
IN THE CLIMATE THAT MODI'S
STOKED, MUSLIMS HAVE BEEN AN
ANIMAL CONSIDERED HOLY TO
HINDUS.
AND THEN THERE'S BEEN THIS.
>> MUSLIM-OWNED BUILDINGS ARE
LITERALLY BEING BULLDOZED IN
WHAT THE GOVERNMENT CALLS A
CRACKDOWN ON ILLEGAL
CONSTRUCTION AND ACCUSED
CRIMINALS.
A BRAND OF BULLDOZER JUSTICE ALL
TOO COMMON IN INDIA.
>> John: THAT IS AWFUL.
AND IT'S HAPPENING SO MUCH NOW,
"BULLDOZER JUSTICE" HAS BECOME A
COMMONLY USED TERM.
IN FACT, THE BULLDOZER ITSELF
HAS BECOME A HINDU-NATIONALIST
SYMBOL, AND IT'S BEEN FEATURED
DURING ELECTION VICTORIES, AND
IN POLITICAL RALLIES.
THIS HARDLINE BJP LEADER HAS
EVEN EARNED THE NICKNAME
"BULLDOZER BABA," AND THERE'S
NOW A WHOLE NEW GENRE OF
HINDU-NATIONALIST POP SONGS, OR
H-POP AS IT'S ALSO KNOWN, WITH
BULLDOZERS APPEARING FRONT AND
CENTER, INCLUDING THIS ONE,
WHICH -- IF YOU KNEW NOTHING
ELSE ABOUT IT -- WOULD SOUND
PRETTY GOOD.
>> ♪ BABA BULLDOZER HAS WON!♪
♪ BABA BULLDOZER HAS WON! ♪
♪ THE ENEMIES HAVE BEEN PUT TO
SHAME ♪
♪ BABA BULLDOZER HAS WON ♪
♪ THE ENEMIES HAVE BEEN PUT TO
SHAME ♪
>> John: LOOK, I HATE WHAT SHE'S
SAYING, BUT THE WAY SHE'S SAYING
IT IS UNDENIABLY CATCHY.
ALL THAT BULLDOZER VIDEO REALLY
NEEDED WAS BOB THE BUILDER
SHAKING HIS ASS TO IT.
I'M SORRY, DID YOU NOT KNOW
ABOUT BOB?
THERE WERE TWO DUMP TRUCKS ON
THAT SHOW, AND THE BIGGEST ONE
WAS IN HIS OVERALLS.
AND WHILE MUSLIMS ARE A MINORITY
IN INDIA, THERE ARE STILL
200 MILLION OF THEM, THE
EQUIVALENT OF NEARLY TWO-THIRDS
OF THE UNITED STATES.
AND WITH ANTI-MUSLIM HATE SPEECH
AND VIOLENCE ON THE RISE, IT'S
NO WONDER MANY ARE FEELING
INCREASINGLY TARGETED, AND IN
INCREDIBLY GRIM WAYS.
>> MUSLIM SHOPKEEPER
SHAMSHER ALI FEELS LIKE HE'S
BEING PUSHED OUT.
>> ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN AT ANY
POINT.
THAT IS THE AMOUNT OF HATE NOW.
>> VIOLENCE AGAINST MUSLIMS IS
ON THE RISE.
A DELHI POLICE OFFICER WAS
CAUGHT ON CAMERA LAST MONTH
KICKING A GROUP OF MUSLIM MEN
PRAYING BY THE SIDE OF THE ROAD.
THE VIDEO WENT VIRAL.
THE OFFICER SUSPENDED.
ANOTHER POLICE OFFICER ARRESTED
FOR KILLING THREE MUSLIMS ON A
TRAIN, PRAISING THE
PRIME MINISTER WHILE STANDING
OVER THEIR BODIES.
>> John: YEAH.
AND IT'S WORTH REMEMBERING,
THAT IS NOT A BUG OF MODI'S
LEADERSHIP.
IT IS A FEATURE.
SO GIVEN ALL THIS, WHAT CAN WE
DO?
WELL, FOR THOSE OF US WHO DON'T
LIVE IN INDIA, NOTHING REALLY.
ALSO, ASKING A BRITISH PERSON,
"WHAT SHOULD WE DO ABOUT INDIA?"
IS A LITTLE BIT DANGEROUS, AS WE
TEND TO HAVE QUITE A LOT OF
IDEAS, NONE OF WHICH SHOULD BE
LISTENED TO.
BUT AS AN INTERNATIONAL
COMMUNITY, IT SEEMS PAST TIME TO
STOP THE UNCRITICAL FAWNING
PRAISE OF A MAN WHO IS, TO PUT
IT MILDLY, A DEEPLY COMPLICATED
FIGURE.
SO MAYBE WE COULD AT LEAST STOP
COMPARING HIM TO
BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN, AND WHEN YOU
TALK ABOUT WHAT HE'S DONE FOR
INDIA, AT LEAST ACKNOWLEDGE THAT
WHILE, YES, HE'S RESPONSIBLE FOR
GIVING BAGS OF GRAIN TO PEOPLE,
HE'S ALSO RESPONSIBLE FOR SOME
GETTING SENT BULLDOZERS.
AND IT SHOULD BE POSSIBLE TO
ACKNOWLEDGE THE GOOD THINGS
MODI'S MANAGED TO DO FOR INDIA,
WHILE ACKNOWLEDGING THAT MANY
INDIANS LIVE IN ACTIVE FEAR OF
WHAT HE SEEMS MORE THAN HAPPY TO
REPRESENT.
AND I KNOW THIS EPISODE IS
ALMOST DEFINITELY NOT GOING TO
END UP AIRING IN INDIA.
AND DEPENDING ON WHAT THEY DO
WITH THE LAWS AROUND YOUTUBE,
I'M NOT TOTALLY SURE WHAT'LL
HAPPEN TO IT THERE, EITHER.
SO IF THIS SHOW DOES GET TAKEN
DOWN, AND IF YOU HAVE FRIENDS OR
FAMILY LIVING IN INDIA WHO'D
LIKE TO SEE IT, JUST ENCOURAGE
THEM TO VISIT OppositeSnakes.com
WHERE THEY'LL THEY'LL FIND TONS
OF FASCINATING FACTS ON OPPOSITE
SNAKES, AS WELL AS A 25-MINUTE
VIDEO TITLED "OPPOSITE SNAKES"
WHICH IS, IN FACT, THIS ENTIRE
STORY.
ALTERNATIVELY, YOU CAN SEND THEM
TO "HowToEatMangoes.com," WHICH
FEATURES THIS VIDEO, PROMISING
TIPS IN HINDI ON MANGO-EATING
TECHNIQUE, BUT IS, AGAIN, THIS
ENTIRE STORY INSTEAD.
AND IF ANY OF MODI'S PEOPLE TAKE
OFFENSE AT THIS, LET ME JUST
REPEAT, I'M NOT REMOTELY SCARED
OF YOU.
IN FACT, I'LL MEET YOU, AND YOUR
STUPID BULLDOZERS, IN FRONT OF
THIS STUDIO, RIGHT HERE IN
LOS ANGELES, OR MY NAME ISN'T
BILL MAHER.
WHICH IT VERY MUCH IS.
AND NOW THIS.
>> Announcer AND NOW...
FOX BUSINESS' KENNEDY REFLECTS
ON HER PROM NIGHT.
>> AUTHORITIES WERE FORCED TO
BRING IN AN EMERGENCY CREW TO
RAISE THE BELEAGUERED BOAT.
ONCE THEY GOT EVERYTHING
STRAPPED ON, IT ONLY TOOK A FEW
MINUTES TO FINISH THE JOB.
JUST LIKE MY PROM NIGHT.
REPUBLICANS HAVE ALSO CALLED
BECAUSE THE PROJECT IS MUCH
SMALLER THAN INITIALLY PLANNED,
LIKE MY PROM NIGHT.
>> GREAT TO BE WITH NO PANTS
ON --
>> DEPENDS WHERE WE ARE, YOU
KNOW?
DID I SAY THAT ON PROM NIGHT?
PERSONALLY, I GOT TONS OF THEM
LIKE THIS BECAUSE MY PROM DATE
USED TO PUT THEM ALL OVER MY
FACE.
>> JUGGLING MORE BALLS THAN ANY
HUMAN SHOWED.
JUST LIKE MY PROM NIGHT.
>> THE NEW APPLE CONNECTS USERS
OF THE SERIES OF RANDOM
STRANGERS FOR 4 MINUTES AT A
TIME.
[LAUGHS]
JUST LIKE MY PROM NIGHT!
>> I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU BUT I
HAVEN'T SEEN THIS MANY TROUSER
SNAKES SINCE MY PROM NIGHT!
CHECK OUT THE DONNER PASS IN
LAKE TAHOE, CALIFORNIA, GETTING
PLOWED BY A TRAIN.
[LAUGHS]
DOES LIKE MY PROM NIGHT!
WHOO!
MASSIVE HOLE IS NOW 60 METERS
WIDE, AND 20 METERS DEEP.
[LAUGHS]
JUST LIKE MY PROM NIGHT.
IT IS 2021 LOST AND FOUND INDEX
WITH DETAILS ABOUT PEOPLE WHO
LOST SOMETHING IN BACKSEATS OF
THEIR CARS.
[LAUGHS]
JUST LIKE MY PROM NIGHT!
15 TIMES.
I MISS PROM NIGHT.
♪ ♪
>> John: MOVING ON.
FINALLY TONIGHT, A WORD ABOUT
RED LOBSTER.
ONE OF MANY RESTAURANTS THAT
SOUNDS LIKE A SEX POSITION,
ALONGSIDE JACK IN THE BOX,
HARD ROCK CAFE, SONIC DRIVE-IN,
AND, OF COURSE, FIVE GUYS.
AS YOU MAY'VE HEARD, RED LOBSTER
HAS HAD ITSELF A ROUGH MONTH.
>> WITH NO NOTICE, SIGNS LIKE
THIS ARE POPPING UP AT
RED LOBSTERS ACROSS THE NATION.
>> THIS SUDDEN SHUT DOWN HERE IN
MIRA MESA IS ONE OF DOZENS OF
ABRUPT CLOSURES NATIONWIDE
TODAY, AN UNWELCOME SURPRISE TO
LOYAL CUSTOMERS.
>> SO WHAT WAS YOUR REACTION
WHEN YOU GOT TO THE -- GOT TO
THE DOOR?
>> [LAUGHS]
GOT TO THE DOOR, YOU KNOW WHAT,
I CAN'T SAY IT ON CAMERA, IS
WHAT MY REACTION WAS.
>> John: OKAY.
ALTHOUGH, I'M NOW A LITTLE
CURIOUS TO KNOW WHAT HE WAS
GOING TO SAY, ESPECIALLY GIVEN
THEY'VE CHOSEN TO BLUR OUT
WHATEVER WAS ON HIS HAT.
SO IT MIGHT'VE BEEN PRETTY
SPICY.
BUT THE FACT IS, LAST MONTH,
RED LOBSTER --
LONG JOHN SILVER'S HOT COUSIN --
OFFICIALLY FILED FOR BANKRUPTCY.
AND IT TRIED TO SPIN THIS AS A
POSITIVE, ISSUING A LETTER TO
CUSTOMERS SAYING, "BANKRUPTCY IS
A WORD THAT'S OFTEN
MISUNDERSTOOD.
FILING FOR BANKRUPTCY DOES NOT
MEAN WE ARE GOING OUT OF
BUSINESS.
IN FACT, IT MEANS JUST THE
OPPOSITE."
EXCEPT, NO, IT DOESN'T.
YOU EITHER DON'T KNOW WHAT
"BANKRUPTCY" MEANS OR WHAT THE
WORD "OPPOSITE" MEANS.
BECAUSE WHILE THE COMPANY AS A
WHOLE ISN'T GOING OUT OF
BUSINESS, THEY'VE ALREADY
ABRUPTLY CLOSED AT LEAST
99 RESTAURANTS IN AT LEAST
27 STATES, AMOUNTING TO 15% OF
THE CHAIN, AND COULD SHUT DOWN
120 MORE.
AND AS THE NEWS SPREAD, IT'S
NOTABLE THAT WHAT MANY PEOPLE
WERE CONCERNED ABOUT LOSING
ACCESS TO AT THIS SEAFOOD
RESTAURANT WASN'T ACTUALLY
SEAFOOD AT ALL.
>> WHAT ABOUT THE CHEDDAR BAY
BISCUITS?
>> THOSE WERE THE BEST.
ARE THEY NOT THE BEST?
>> SO GOOD.
>> IS IT JUST ME, OR DO YOU ALSO
WANT THOSE CHEDDAR BAY BISCUITS?
>> WE'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT THEM
ALL MORNING, AND WE ARE HUNGRY.
>> I LIKE THEIR CHEDDAR BAY
BISCUITS.
[LAUGHTER]
TRIED TO MAKE THEM AT HOME ONE
TIME.
THEY SUCKED.
>> THEY'RE SOFT AND THEN THEY'RE
BUTTERY AND THEY'RE CHEESY AND
THEN THEY'RE GARLICKY, AND IT'S,
LIKE, THE PERFECT BISCUIT.
>> THEY'VE GOT GOOD FOOD.
GOOD SEAFOOD.
AND THE BISCUITS JUST SLAP.
>> John: IT'S TRUE!
THE BISCUITS ARE SO GOOD THAT
ANYTIME SOMEONE'S TALKING ABOUT
RED LOBSTER, THE CONVERSATION
INEVITABLY TURNS TO THEM.
YOU COULD CALL 911 AND SAY
"THERE'S A RED LOBSTER ON FIRE,"
"OOH, I BET IT'S WARMING UP
THOSE BISCUITS REAL NICE."
THE POINT IS, A LOT OF PEOPLE
ARE FOND OF RED LOBSTER -- TO
THE POINT THAT IT ONCE GOT THE
ULTIMATE NAME CHECK FROM
BEYONCE:
>> ♪ WHEN HE FUCK ME GOOD, I
TAKE HIS ASS TO RED LOBSTER ♪
♪ WHEN HE FUCK ME GOOD, I TAKE
HIS ASS TO RED LOBSTER ♪
>> John: WOW.
THAT IS THE SINGLE GREATEST
ENDORSEMENT A RESTAURANT COULD
EVER GET.
IT IS NO WONDER THEIR SALES
ACTUALLY SPIKED 33% IMMEDIATELY
AFTER THAT SONG CAME OUT.
ALSO, JUST AS AN ASIDE, HOW DOES
BEYONCE'S REWARDS SYSTEM WORK?
DO THEY TALK ABOUT IT IN THE
MOMENT, OR THE NEXT TIME THEY
DRIVE PAST A RED LOBSTER, IS
JAY-Z LIKE, "HEY, CAN WE GO?"
AND BEYONCE HAS TO SEARCH HER
SEXUAL ARCHIVES TO DETERMINE
WHETHER OR NOT HE'S BANKED A
TRIP.
I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T THINK I WANT TO KNOW.
I'M JUST POSING THE QUESTION.
SO HOW THE FUCK DID THIS
RESTAURANT GET INTO SUCH A MESS
THAT IT'S GOING INTO BANKRUPTCY?
WELL, MANY HAVE SPECULATED THAT
IT'S ALL THANKS TO THEIR
DISASTROUS "ULTIMATE ENDLESS
SHRIMP" SPECIAL.
MULTIPLE ARTICLES CITED IT WHILE
COVERING THE BANKRUPTCY, AND
EVEN REGULAR CUSTOMERS ASSUMED
THAT IT WAS THE MAIN PROBLEM.
>> THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THE
ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT SHRIMP.
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE
ARE PIGS, AND THEY'LL JUST KEEP
EATING.
>> John: HEY!
HEY!
I'M FEELING A LITTLE ATTACKED
HERE.
WHAT YOU DON'T SEEM TO
UNDERSTAND IS THAT UNLIMITED
SHRIMP IS NOT A SUGGESTION OR A
RECOMMENDED SERVING SIZE.
IT'S A FUCKING CHALLENGE FOR
ANYONE BRAVE ENOUGH TO ACCEPT
IT.
SO FRANKLY, YOU SHOULD EITHER
EMBRACE THE MADNESS AND JOIN IN,
OR JUST GO TO STARBUCKS, WHERE
YOU GET TO SPEAK FANCY FAKE
ITALIAN TO DISTRACT FROM THE
FACT THAT IT'S REALLY JUST A
PUBLIC TOILET WITH MORE RULES.
BUT WHILE ENDLESS SHRIMP WAS
UNDENIABLY STUPID, IT WASN'T
ACTUALLY THE CRUCIAL FACTOR IN
THE COMPANY'S BANKRUPTCY.
IT COST THEM MORE THAN
$11 MILLION, BUT GIVEN THEIR
TOTAL DEBTS STAND AT
$294 MILLION, IT'S CLEARLY JUST
A DROP IN THE BUCKET.
THE FACT IS, RED LOBSTER'S
DECLINE IS ABOUT A LOT MORE THAN
JUST A SINGLE BAD PROMOTION.
I'D LIKE TO TAKE JUST A MOMENT
TO TALK ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED,
BECAUSE IT'S A CASE STUDY FOR
WHAT'S HAPPENING TO SO MANY
COMPANIES IN AMERICA.
AND I'LL SKIP OVER THE EARLY
YEARS -- SUFFICE IT TO SAY, IT
WAS FOUNDED IN 1968 BY A MAN
NAMED BILL DARDEN, SEEN HERE IN
FRONT OF HIS FIRST RESTAURANT,
"THE GREEN FROG" IN 1938, WHILE
HOLDING A SIGN PROMOTING
SOMETHING CALLED "SWAMP BOY
BREAKFAST" -- WHICH I ASSUME IS
LIKE "GIRL DINNER," BUT IN THE
MORNING AND FOR MALE CROCODILES.
WHEN DARDEN STARTED RED LOBSTER,
IT WAS AN IMMEDIATE HIT, AND BY
1978, IT HAD 236 RESTAURANTS
ALL AROUND THE COUNTRY.
IT EVEN BECAME THE FIRST CASUAL
DINING CHAIN TO ADVERTISE ON
NETWORK TV.
AND OVER THE YEARS, IT'S HAD
SOME GREAT ADS, FEATURING LEMONS
BEING SQUEEZED OVER VARIOUS
SEAFOOD PRODUCTS, AND EVEN LAST
YEAR, THE COOPTING OF A
SHIRLEY CAESAR CLASSIC.
>> ♪ WE GOT TAILS, SHRIMP,
WAITER, POTATOES, SAUCES FOR
BOSSES, CHEDDAR BAY STUFFING ♪
♪ TAILS, SHRIMP, WAITERS,
POTATOES ♪
♪ TAILS, SHRIMP, WAITERS,
POTATOES ♪
♪ TAILS, SHRIMP ♪
♪ TAILS, TAILS ♪
>> THREE LOBSTER AND SHRIMP
ENTREES FOR A LIMITED TIME.
>> ♪ COME TASTE IT ♪
>> John: THAT IS FANTASTIC.
THOUGH IT'S A LITTLE WEIRD FOR A
RESTAURANT TO BOAST ABOUT HAVING
WAITERS.
THAT'S A PRETTY BASIC COMPONENT
OF SIT-DOWN RESTAURANTS!
THEY MAY AS WELL BE PROUDLY
ANNOUNCING THEY HAVE A STOVE AND
SOME PLATES.
BUT IN THE EARLY 2010s, THE
CHAIN HAD A FEW YEARS OF
SLUGGISH SALES, AND IN 2014,
ITS PARENT COMPANY, DARDEN
RESTAURANTS, SOLD RED LOBSTER
OFF TO A PRIVATE EQUITY FIRM
CALLED GOLDEN GATE CAPITAL FOR
$2.1 BILLION.
AND THAT PRIVATE EQUITY FIRM DID
EXACTLY WHAT PRIVATE EQUITY
FIRMS ALWAYS DO: IMMEDIATELY TRY
AND SUCK THE VALUE OUT OF THE
COMPANY.
IN FACT, ONE OF THE FIRST THINGS
GOLDEN GATE DID WAS SELL OFF
RED LOBSTER'S REAL ESTATE AND
THEN IMMEDIATELY LEASE THE
RESTAURANTS BACK.
MEANING RED LOBSTER NOW HAD TO
PAY RENT ON STORES THAT IT HAD
PREVIOUSLY OWNED, SETTING IT ON
A DOWNWARD SPIRAL, AS THE RENT
THEY WERE SUDDENLY PAYING WAS
ABOUT $118 MILLION A YEAR,
ROUGHLY HALF THE CHAIN'S ANNUAL
EARNINGS.
IT WAS TERRIBLE FOR RED LOBSTER,
BUT PRETTY GREAT FOR
GOLDEN GATE, BECAUSE THAT
REAL ESTATE DEAL COVERED MOST OF
WHAT IT HAD PAID FOR THE COMPANY
IN THE FIRST PLACE.
VERY BASICALLY, RED LOBSTER GOT
FUCKED -- FUCKED SO GOOD, IN
FACT, IT PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE
TAKEN GOLDEN GATE'S ASS TO
RED LOBSTER.
AND IN 2020, GOLDEN GATE SOLD
OFF WHAT REMAINED OF THE
COMPANY, AND THAI UNION, A MAJOR
SEAFOOD SUPPLIER WITH NO
EXPERIENCE IN RUNNING
RESTAURANTS, BECAME THE LEADING
SHAREHOLDER.
NOW INITIALLY, IT SAID IT
WOULDN'T GET INVOLVED IN
DAY-TO-DAY OPERATIONS, BUT
PRETTY SOON, DOZENS OF VETERAN
RED LOBSTER LEADERS WERE FIRED
OR RESIGNED, AND RED LOBSTER
ENDED UP HAVING FIVE CEOs IN
FIVE YEARS -- A LEVEL OF
CORPORATE TURNOVER USUALLY
RESERVED FOR WHOEVER OWNS
FUCKING HBO.
THEY ALSO INSTITUTED COST-SAVING
MEASURES, FROM SQUEEZING
WAITSTAFF BY SWITCHING FROM
SERVERS COVERING THREE TABLES TO
TEN, TO CHARGING FOR A SIDE
SALAD FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME,
AND LEAVING TAILS ON SHRIMP IN
PASTA.
WHICH SUDDENLY MAKES IT A LOT
LESS FUN THAT THEY WERE TELLING
CUSTOMERS TO EXPECT THIS.
>> ♪ TAILS, SHRIMP TAILS, SHRIMP
TAILS, TAILS, TAILS, TAILS ♪
>> John: YEAH, THERE'S GONNA BE
UNWANTED TAILS FUCKING
EVERYWHERE.
HOPE EVERYONE IS OKAY WITH THAT.
AND ALL THIS BRINGS US BACK TO
THAT INCREDIBLY STUPID "ENDLESS
SHRIMP FOR $20" PROMOTION.
EVEN AT THE TIME, IT SEEMED LIKE
A VERY BAD IDEA.
THEIR CEO WAS REPORTEDLY WARNED
BY THE COMPANY'S LEADERS THAT
$20 WAS TOO CHEAP TO MAKE A
PROFIT.
AND THEY WERE RIGHT.
BECAUSE EVEN AS THE COMPANY
RAISED THE PRICE TO $22 AND THEN
$25, CUSTOMERS MADE IT A POINT
TO GET MORE THAN THEIR MONEY'S
WORTH.
IT EVEN BECAME A TIKTOK TREND TO
SEE HOW MANY YOU COULD EAT IN A
SINGLE SITTING, LEADING TO
VIDEOS LIKE THIS:
>> MY WAITRESS WAS SO PROUD OF
ME.
I SET A NEW RECORD AT MY LOCAL
RED LOBSTER.
THIS IS MY GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT
IN LIFE.
$27, THAT IS ONE QUARTER PER
SHRIMP.
SO PROUD OF MYSELF, BEST DAY OF
MY ENTIRE LIFE.
>> John: OF COURSE IT WAS.
IF I'D DONE THAT, EVEN IF I THEN
CURED CANCER AND ACHIEVED WORLD
PEACE, I'D OPEN MY NOBEL PRIZE
ACCEPTANCE SPEECH WITH
"WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT ANY OF
THAT?
ONE TIME, I ATE 108 SHRIMP IN A
SINGLE SITTING."
BUT INTERESTINGLY, WHILE THAT
OFFER WAS TERRIBLE FOR
RED LOBSTER, YOU CAN SEE WHY
THAI UNION MIGHT'VE THOUGHT IT'D
TURN OUT GREAT FOR THEM.
BECAUSE REMEMBER, IT'S PRIMARILY
A SEAFOOD SUPPLIER.
AND AS IT HAPPENS, RED LOBSTER
HAD CUT TWO OF ITS LONGTIME
SHRIMP SUPPLIERS TO PURCHASE
MORE SHRIMP FROM THAI UNION AT
HIGHER COSTS.
IT SEEMS THEY WERE BASICALLY
JUST SELLING SHRIMP TO
THEMSELVES, SINKING RED LOBSTER
EVEN FURTHER INTO DEBT THAT IT'S
NOW TRYING TO DISCHARGE THROUGH
BANKRUPTCY.
WHICH IS, AT BEST, INCREDIBLY
SHITTY.
AND THE END RESULT OF ALL THIS
MISMANAGEMENT IS RED LOBSTERS
SHUTTING ACROSS THE COUNTRY,
LEAVING UNEMPLOYED WORKERS IN
THEIR WAKE.
AND THE RESTAURANTS THEMSELVES
ARE NOW LITERALLY BEING SOLD OFF
FOR PARTS.
>> THIS LOCATION IS NOW PART OF
RESTAURANT LIQUIDATOR TAGEX
BRANDS' LARGEST RESTAURANT
EQUIPMENT AUCTION EVER.
>> ONE TOP BIDDER FOR EACH
LOCATION WILL WALK AWAY WITH
COMMERCIAL APPLIANCES AND
FURNITURE.
IMAGES POSTED BY
RestaurantEquipment.Bid EVEN
INCLUDE THE LOBSTER TANK.
IT'S UNCLEAR IF THE CRUSTACEANS
ARE PART OF THE DEAL.
>> John: IT'S TRUE.
YOU CAN EVEN GET THE TANK!
SO IF YOU'VE BEEN SEARCHING FOR
THE PERFECT GIFT FOR THAT ONE
FRIEND WHO'S IMPOSSIBLE TO BUY
PRESENTS FOR BUT WHO ALSO HAS A
BUNCH OF LOOSE LOBSTERS ROAMING
AROUND THEIR HOUSE, I'VE GOT
GREAT NEWS FOR YOU.
THE CHAIN'S AUCTIONS WERE WINNER
TAKE ALL, MEANING EACH WINNER
WOULD RECEIVE THE ENTIRE
CONTENTS OF THE RED LOBSTER THEY
BID ON.
AND BEFORE YOU EVEN ASK: NO, WE
DIDN'T.
I KNOW, I KNOW, WE BUY A LOT OF
STUPID SHIT ON THIS SHOW, BUT
NOT EVEN WE WOULD BE INTERESTED
IN OLD FURNITURE FROM A CARPETED
SEAFOOD RESTAURANT CONTAINING A
FISH SMELL THAT'S JUST NEVER
COMING OUT.
BESIDES, WE WENT ALL OUT ON A
PURCHASE EARLIER THIS SEASON
THAT DIDN'T REALLY TURN OUT THE
WAY WE HOPED.
SO AS FAR AS WHERE RED LOBSTER
GOES NOW, IT'S KIND OF HARD TO
SAY.
ONE OR MORE OF THE COMPANY'S
LENDERS MIGHT BUY IT, AND SINCE
ONE OF THEIR KEY LENDERS IS YET
ANOTHER PRIVATE EQUITY FIRM,
THIS WHOLE MERRY-GO-ROUND OF
ASSET STRIPPING MAY STILL
CONTINUE.
THE FRUSTRATING THING IS, IT
SEEMS JUST ABOUT ANY RANDOM
IDIOT COULD RUN A RED LOBSTER
BETTER THAN THESE COMPANIES HAVE
DONE.
BUT THERE'S REALLY ONLY ONE WAY
TO PUT THAT TO THE TEST.
WHICH BRINGS ME BACK TO THOSE
AUCTIONS THAT I MENTIONED A
SECOND AGO, BECAUSE THE TRUTH
IS, I LIED TO YOU, WE DID
PARTICIPATE IN ONE, FOR THE
CONTENTS OF THIS RED LOBSTER IN
KINGSTON, NEW YORK, AND WE
FUCKING WON EVERYTHING INSIDE
IT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND THOUGH WE HAVE NO PRIOR
RESTAURANT EXPERIENCE, THAT
DOESN'T SEEM TO BE
DISQUALIFYING.
SO PLEASE, COME WITH ME...
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪
AND WELCOME TO RED LOBSTER WITH
"LAST WEEK TONIGHT" WITH
JOHN OLIVER.
IT'S A NEW CONCEPT IN CASUAL
DINING, WHERE WE'RE NOT LOOKING
TO GET RICH OFF THIS.
WE VERY MUCH WON'T.
THANKS SO MUCH.
INSTEAD, WHAT WE DO WANT TO DO
IS GIVE PEOPLE THE SINGLE ITEM
THEY ACTUALLY WANT FROM A
RED LOBSTER.
AND THAT'S THE BISCUITS.
THEY ARE THE ONLY THINGS THIS
LOCATION WILL SELL.
WE'LL STILL HAVE THE
INEXPLICABLE NAUTICAL-THEMED
ARTWORK AND THE LOBSTER TANK.
BUT THOSE LOBSTERS ARE REALLY
ONLY THERE SO THEY CAN WATCH YOU
EAT BISCUITS.
AND I'M EXCITED TO SAY, WE'VE
GOT A "FINITE BISCUITS"
PROMOTION ON RIGHT NOW, WHERE
FOR JUST $1 YOU CAN GET ONE
BISCUIT, AND THAT'S IT.
IT'S A LIMITED-TIME PROMOTION,
FOR THE DURATION OF THIS TAPING,
SO PLEASE...
BRING OUT THE BISCUITS!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
PLUS, WE'VE GOT WAITERS,
BISCUITS, BISCUITS, WAITERS, AND
BISCUITS, BISCUITS, WAITERS,
AND THAT'S ALL.
NOW IS THIS A GOOD IDEA FOR A
RESTAURANT?
WHO CAN SAY?
WELL, LOTS OF PEOPLE, AND THE
ANSWER IS NO, BUT YOU'VE GOT TO
ADMIT, IT'S A BETTER IDEA THAN
ANY OF RED LOBSTER'S PREVIOUS
OWNERS HAVE HAD.
AND AT LEAST WE ARE NOT BLEEDING
TRY TO MAKE A HANDFUL OF IDIOTS
RICH,
WHICH IS WHAT'S HAPPENING TO SO
MANY COMPANIES NOWADAYS.
THAT IS OUR SHOW, THANKS SO MUCH
FOR WATCHING!
WE WILL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!
GOOD NIGHT!
BISCUITS FOR EVERYONE!
WAITERS, BISCUITS!
COME TASTE IT!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪
♪ TAILS, SHRIMP, WAITERS,