♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
John: WELCOME, WELCOME,
WELCOME TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT!"
I'M JOHN OLIVER, THANK YOU SO
MUCH FOR JOINING US.
IT HAS BEEN A BUSY WEEK.
HUNTER BIDEN WAS FOUND GUILTY ON
GUN CHARGES, MACRON CALLED A
SNAP ELECTION IN FRANCE, AND IN
MICHIGAN, THIS CONSERVATIVE
CONGRESSIONAL CANDIDATE POSTED A
CAMPAIGN TIKTOK WITH AN AI
GENERATED VOICE THAT IS BOLD.
I HAVE ANOTHER DREAM!
YES, IT IS ME, MARTIN LUTHER
KING.
I CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD TO SAY
SOMETHING.
AS I WAS SAYING, I HAVE ANOTHER
DREAM, THAT ANTHONY HUDSON WILL
BE MICHIGAN 8TH DISTRICT'S NEXT
CONGRESSMAN.
YES, I HAVE A DREAM AGAIN.
OKAY, NOW I AM GOING BACK TO
WHERE I CAME FROM GOODBYE.
MY NAME IS ANTHONY HUDSON AND
I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE.
John: OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OH,
MY GOD, OKAY.
LET'S DIVE IN.
IT'S HARD TO PICK THE WILDEST
PART OF THAT.
THE OPENING SCREAM?
THE CASUAL "AS I WAS SAYING?"
THE FACT MLK REASSURES HIS
AUDIENCE HE HAS ANOTHER DREAM
THREE TIMES, AS IF THAT'S GOING
TO BE THE MAIN THING SOMEONE
TAKES ISSUE WITH?
BUT HONESTLY, I THINK IT MIGHT
BE THE FOUR-SECOND PAUSE BEFORE,
"OKAY, NOW I AM GOING BACK TO
WHERE I CAME FROM, GOODBYE,"
MAKING HIM SOUND LIKE A
MIDDLE-AGED DAD WHO DOESN'T KNOW
HOW TO END A PHONE CALL.
I'VE GOT SO MANY QUESTIONS AND
NONE OF THEM ARE ABOUT ANTHONY
HUDSON AND WHERE TO VOTE FOR
HIM.
NOW, HUDSON INITIALLY PUT OUT A
STATEMENT SAYING THE VIDEO WAS
POSTED WITHOUT HIS KNOWLEDGE,
AND THAT IT WAS STUPID AND
DISRESPECTFUL, ONLY TO THEN
REVERSE THAT POSITION, SAYING,
"IF MLK WERE ALIVE TODAY-- I DO
BELIEVE HE WOULD ENDORSE ME AND
MY VISION FOR A BETTER
MICHIGAN."
AND FIRST, NO HE WOULDN'T,
ANTHONY, FOR SO MANY REASONS.
BUT SECOND, YOU HAD IT RIGHT
BEFORE YOUR DOUBLE-DOWN.
THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE RESPONSE TO
THAT AD IS TO ISSUE AN APOLOGY,
DROP THE WHOLE THING, AND THEN
IF I MAY QUOTE SOMETHING
MARTIN LUTHER KING NEVER SAID--
ANNOUNCE, "OKAY, NOW I AM GOING
BACK TO WHERE I CAME FROM,
GOODBYE."
BUT WE'RE GOING TO DIVE STRAIGHT
IN WITH OUR MAIN STORY TONIGHT,
WHICH CONCERNS THE PRESIDENTIAL
ELECTION.
THE THING YOU'RE ACTIVELY
IGNORING SO YOU CAN DEVOTE ALL
YOUR BRAIN POWER TO
"MILF MANOR."
IF YOU'RE NOT WATCHING, REAL
QUICK-- THIS SEASON, NOT ONLY
ARE THE MILFS DATING HOT YOUNGER
MEN, THEY'RE ALSO-- AND THIS IS
TRUE-- DATING THE YOUNG GUYS'
DADS AS WELL, AND IT'S EXACTLY
AS AWKWARD FOR EVERYONE AS YOU'D
THINK.
TODAY, YOU'RE GOING TO BE
EXPLORING A TANTRIC YOGA CLASS.
OH, GOD.
NO WAY, NO.
THERE'S SOME THINGS THAT YOU
JUST DON'T DO WITH YOUR SON OR
WITH YOUR FATHER.
ARE YOU TRAUMATIZED?
A LITTLE BIT.
John: YEAH.
YEAH, I BET!
ALTHOUGH, NOT TO VICTIM-BLAME,
BUT, YOU DID SIGN UP TO BAG
MILFS IN A TELEVISED SEX
CONTEST.
SO NO BRAIN WAS EVER LEAVING
THAT MANOR UNSCARRED.
THE ELECTION'S IN FULL SWING
RIGHT NOW, AND IT'S PRETTY MUCH
YOUR USUAL CAMPAIGN.
CANDIDATES OFFERING POLICY
PROPOSALS, TRADING BARBS, AND
OCCASIONALLY GETTING CONVICTED
OF 34 FELONIES AND COMPLAINING
ABOUT THE JUDGE.
YOU SAW WHAT HAPPENED TO SOME
OF THE WITNESSES THAT WERE ON
OUR SIDE.
THEY WERE LITERALLY CRUCIFIED BY
THIS MAN WHO LOOKS LIKE AN
ANGEL, BUT HE'S REALLY A DEVIL.
John: OKAY, TRUMP DEFINITELY
DOESN'T KNOW WHAT THE WORD
"LITERALLY" MEANS, BUT GIVEN HIS
INABILITY TO TALK ABOUT THE
BIBLE, IT'S POSSIBLE HE DOESN'T
KNOW WHAT "CRUCIFIED" MEANS
EITHER.
ALTHOUGH, I COULD BE WRONG:
MAYBE JESUS GOT NAILED TO PLANKS
BECAUSE OF HIS HUSH PAYMENTS TO
A PORN STAR.
I DON'T KNOW!
I DON'T HAVE THE CLOSE PERSONAL
RELATIONSHIP TRUMP HAS WITH THE
BIBLE, WHICH FOR THE RECORD IS
"SOURLY HOLDING IT UP LIKE HE'S
SHOWING OFF THE BUG HE JUST
SQUASHED WITH IT."
BUT AS MASSIVELY FLAWED AS TRUMP
IS, AS A CANDIDATE, HUSBAND,
BOSS, FATHER, AND HUMAN BEING,
HE'S CURRENTLY SLIGHTLY AHEAD OF
BIDEN IN THE POLLS.
SO THERE'S A PRETTY GOOD CHANCE
HE COULD BE BACK IN THE WHITE
HOUSE NEXT YEAR.
AND GIVEN THAT, IT'S WORTH
TALKING ABOUT WHAT HE PLANS TO
DO IF HE GETS THERE.
BECAUSE TRUMP DOES HAVE A
SECOND-TERM PLATFORM-- YOU CAN
GO ON HIS WEBSITE AND SEE IT
ALL LAID OUT-- AND IT'S PRETTY
ALARMING.
FOR INSTANCE, HERE HE IS TALKING
ABOUT HIS PLANS REGARDING TRANS
RIGHTS.
I WILL ASK CONGRESS TO PASS A
BILL ESTABLISHING THAT THE ONLY
GENDERS RECOGNIZED BY THE UNITED
STATES GOVERNMENT ARE MALE AND
FEMALE, AND THEY ARE ASSIGNED AT
BIRTH.
NO SERIOUS COUNTRY SHOULD BE
TELLING ITS CHILDREN THAT THEY
WERE BORN WITH THE WRONG GENDER,
A CONCEPT THAT WAS NEVER HEARD
OF.
IN ALL OF HUMAN HISTORY,
NOBODY'S EVER HEARD OF THIS,
WHAT'S HAPPENING TODAY.
IT WAS ALL WHEN THE RADICAL LEFT
INVENTED IT JUST A FEW YEARS
AGO.
John: THAT'S REALLY THE TRUMP
EXPERIENCE IN A NUTSHELL RIGHT
THERE.
HATEFUL IDEOLOGY, A PROMISE TO
MAKE LIFE HARDER FOR MINORITIES,
ALL WRAPPED UP IN A NON SEQUITUR
SO STUPID IT'S INCONVENIENTLY
FUNNY.
THE RADICAL LEFT INVENTED
TRANS PEOPLE A FEW YEARS AGO?
I'M SORRY, WHAT?
DID THEY PUT IT ON "SHARK TANK"
AND I SOMEHOW MISSED IT?
THAT'S ANOTHER INSTANT CLASSIC
LINE READ FROM ONE OF HUMANITY'S
WORST BRAINS.
TRUMP'S ALSO PROMISING MASS
DEPORTATIONS IN HIS NEXT TERM.
HERE'S STEPHEN MILLER, HIS
FORMER ADVISOR AND FIRST-DRAFT
PIXAR VILLAIN, TALKING IN DEPTH
ABOUT THE LOGISTICS.
SO, YOU GRAB ILLEGAL
IMMIGRANTS AND THEN YOU MOVE
THEM TO THE STAGING GROUNDS, AND
THAT'S WHERE THE PLANES ARE
WAITING FOR FEDERAL LAW
ENFORCEMENT TO THEN MOVE THOSE
ILLEGALS HOME.
YOU DEPUTIZE THE NATIONAL GUARD
TO CARRY OUT IMMIGRATION
ENFORCEMENT, AND THEN YOU ALSO
DEPLOY THE MILITARY TO THE
SOUTHERN BORDER.
THE MILITARY HAS THE RIGHT TO
ESTABLISH A FORTRESS POSITION ON
THE BORDER AND TO SAY NO ONE CAN
CROSS HERE AT ALL.
John: WOW, THOSE ARE STRONG
WORDS FROM MILLER, ONLY SLIGHTLY
UNDERCUT BY HIS TENDENCY TO
LOOK, AT ALL TIMES, LIKE A
CONDOM FULL OF SOUP.
BUT THAT'S STILL JUST THE
BEGINNING.
TRUMP PLANS TO REQUIRE LOCAL LAW
ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES TO USE
MEASURES LIKE STOP-AND-FRISK,
CUT FUNDING FOR ANY SCHOOL THAT
HAS A VACCINE OR MASK MANDATE,
AND IMPOSE A UNIVERSAL TARIFF OF
AT LEAST 10% ON ALL IMPORTS.
AND NOTABLY, HE'S PROMISING TO
GET REVENGE ON HIS ENEMIES.
AT RALLIES, HE'S TOLD SUPPORTERS
THAT "I AM YOUR RETRIBUTION,"
WHICH SOUNDS MORE LIKE SOMETHING
YOU'D HEAR OUT OF THE MOUTH OF
MEGATRON THAN A MAJOR
PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE.
AND HE'S BEEN SPECIFIC ABOUT WHO
EXACTLY WILL BE ON THE RECEIVING
END OF THAT RETRIBUTION.
WE WILL ROOT OUT THE
COMMUNIST, MARXIST, FASCIST, AND
THE RADICAL LEFT THUGS THAT LIVE
LIKE VERMIN WITHIN THE CONFINES
OF OUR COUNTRY, THAT LIE AND
STEAL AND CHEAT ON ELECTIONS,
AND WILL DO ANYTHING POSSIBLE--
THEY'LL DO ANYTHING, WHETHER
LEGALLY OR ILLEGALLY, TO DESTROY
AMERICA AND TO DESTROY THE
AMERICAN DREAM.
John: FIRST, WAS HE FALLING
ASLEEP AT THE END THERE?
SECOND, IT'S NOT USUALLY A GREAT
SIGN WHEN A POLITICIAN STARTS
REFERRING TO GROUPS AS VERMIN,
UNLESS OF COURSE THEY'RE RUNNING
FOR MAYOR OF ZOOTOPIA AND
THEY'RE GUNNING FOR THE
LITTLE RODENTIA VOTE.
THEN, IT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY SAVVY
POLITICS.
AND IF YOU'RE THINKING: OKAY,
TRUMP'S MAKING BIG SCARY
PROMISES, BUT HE DID THAT IN
2016, TOO, AND HE BROKE A LOT OF
THEM," THAT'S TRUE.
THOUGH HE DID ALSO GO ON TO DO A
LOT OF DAMAGE-- HE BLEW UP THE
IRAN NUCLEAR DEAL, WITHDREW US
FROM THE PARIS CLIMATE
AGREEMENT, SLASHED ACCESS TO
FOOD STAMPS, AND GAVE A HUGE TAX
CUT TO CORPORATIONS.
HE SEPARATED CHILDREN FROM THEIR
FAMILIES AT THE BORDER,
SUGGESTED CURING COVID WITH
BLEACH OR A BRIGHT LIGHT,
SUMMONED AN INSURRECTION, AND
PUT IN THREE SUPREME COURT
JUSTICES WHO HELPED OVERTURN
ROE V. WADE AND SEEM TO HAVE NO
INTENTIONS OF STOPPING THERE.
BUT IT IS TRUE THAT A LOT OF HIS
OTHER MAJOR POLICY GOALS-- FROM
ENDING THE AFFORDABLE CARE ACT,
TO GETTING MEXICO TO PAY FOR HIS
BORDER WALL-- REMAINED OUT OF
REACH.
TRUMP AS PRESIDENT WAS SORT OF
LIKE A HAMSTER IN AN ATTACK
HELICOPTER.
SURE, HE WANTS TO BATHE THE
WORLD IN BLOOD AND TERROR, HE
WANTS IT WITH HIS WHOLE ROTTEN
HAMSTER HEART.
BUT LUCKILY, HE DOESN'T KNOW
WHAT BUTTONS TO PRESS AND HIS
BRAIN'S THE SIZE OF A PEANUT, SO
THAT PUTS SOME HARD LIMITS ON
THE DAMAGE HE'S ACTUALLY ABLE TO
DO.
THIS TIME, THOUGH, TRUMP'LL HAVE
A LOT MORE HELP-- NOT ONLY ARE
THE COURTS MORE CONSERVATIVE,
AND THE REPUBLICAN PARTY MORE
FIRMLY ALIGNED WITH HIM, BUT A
GROUP OF CONSERVATIVES HAS COME
UP WITH A PLAN OF ACTION TO
ENSURE THAT HE CAN HIT THE
GROUND RUNNING, AND EVEN IF HE
DOES MEET RESISTANCE FROM
CONGRESS OR THE COURTS, HE'LL
NOW HAVE WAYS TO GO AROUND THEM.
THAT IS WHY, WHILE TRUMP'S FIRST
TERM WAS BAD, HIS SECOND COULD
BE MUCH, MUCH WORSE.
SO TONIGHT, LET'S TALK ABOUT
TRUMP'S SECOND TERM: WHO'S
MAKING THOSE PLANS FOR HIM, WHAT
THEY ENTAIL, AND HOW MUCH DAMAGE
THEY COULD DO.
AND THE MAIN INSIGHT WE HAVE
INTO ALL THIS COMES FROM
SOMETHING CALLED "PROJECT 2025."
WHICH I KNOW SOUNDS LIKE A SEXY
CW SCI-FI DRAMA STARRING
ASHANTI, CHAD MICHAEL MURRAY,
AND TURTLE FROM ENTOURAGE, BUT
INCREDIBLY, IT'S EVEN WORSE THAN
THAT.
BASICALLY, PROJECT 2025 AIMS TO
DO FOR TRUMP'S WHOLE PRESIDENCY
WHAT THE FEDERALIST SOCIETY DID
FOR HIS JUDICIAL PICKS-- GIVE
HIM A STEP-BY-STEP GAME PLAN HE
SIMPLY HAS TO EXECUTE AND THEN
TAKE CREDIT FOR.
THEY'VE EVEN MADE A PROMOTIONAL
VIDEO FOR IT.
ON INAUGURATION DAY THE FOUR
YEARS AHEAD SEEMS LIKE AN
ETERNITY.
IT'S NOT.
BECAUSE THE LEFT HAS ENGINEERED
OUR GOVERNMENT AND INSTITUTIONS
TO REJECT CONSERVATIVE IDEOLOGY.
THE 2025 PRESIDENTIAL TRANSITION
PROJECT BRINGS TOGETHER
CONSERVATIVE ORGANIZATIONS TO
ENSURE THE POLICY AND PERSONNEL
ARE IN PLACE ON JANUARY 20TH
2025 USING FOUR PILLARS WE ARE
LAYING THE FOUNDATION FOR THE
NEXT PRESIDENT TO END
WASHINGTON'S BUREAUCRACY AND
RESTORE AMERICAN PROSPERITY.
John: YEAH, MORE THAN 100
CONSERVATIVE ORGANIZATIONS HAVE
COME TOGETHER TO WORK ON THIS.
THEY'RE ALL THERE.
YOU'VE GOT THE HERITAGE
FOUNDATION, LIBERTY UNIVERSITY,
THE NRA, TURNING POINT USA,
RODEO CLOWNS FOR TRUMP, THE
CENTER FOR RUINING THANKSGIVING,
THE MARRIAGE IS BETWEEN A MAN
AND HIS PROPERTY INSTITUTE, ARM
THE UNBORN, THE UNION OF TWITTER
GUYS WITH GOATEES AND WRAPAROUND
SHADES, CAPTAIN PLANET VILLAINS
FOR A BRIGHTER TOMORROW, AND OF
COURSE AMERICANS FOR HOW ZOOS
SHOULD LET YOU FUCK THE BALD
EAGLES.
THEY'RE ALL HERE.
THEY'VE EVEN PRODUCED A 900-PAGE
HANDBOOK ON THEIR GOALS, WHICH
ARE SWEEPING.
IT PROPOSES DISMANTLING NOAA,
THE AGENCY THAT TRACKS
HURRICANES AND PROTECTS MARINE
LIFE, BECAUSE IT'S, QUOTE, "ONE
OF THE MAIN DRIVERS OF THE
CLIMATE CHANGE ALARM INDUSTRY."
IT ALSO PROPOSES ELIMINATING THE
HEAD START PROGRAM, INSTALLING A
PRO-LIFE TASK FORCE TO REPLACE
BIDEN'S REPRODUCTIVE HEALTHCARE
ONE, OUTLINES PLANS TO DEFUND
THE DOJ, DISMANTLE THE FBI, AND
ELIMINATE THE DEPARTMENTS OF
EDUCATION AND COMMERCE, AND
STATES THAT "PORNOGRAPHY SHOULD
BE OUTLAWED, AND THE PEOPLE WHO
PRODUCE AND DISTRIBUTE IT SHOULD
BE IMPRISONED."
AND THESE PROPOSALS ARE EXTREME,
BECAUSE THE PEOPLE WHO WROTE
THEM ARE EXTREME.
THEY'VE BEEN LAYING ALL THIS OUT
IN PLAIN VIEW, MOSTLY ON
CONSERVATIVE PODCASTS.
ONE OF THE MAJOR ARCHITECTS OF
PROJECT 2025 IS RUSSELL VOUGHT
WHO SERVED IN THE WHITE HOUSE
DURING TRUMP'S FIRST TERM.
HE'S A SELF-DESCRIBED "CHRISTIAN
NATIONALIST," AND HERE HE IS
MAKING A TARGETED PITCH FOR ONE
FUNDING CUT TRUMP COULD MAKE.
I AM OPPOSED TO THE
DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION, 'CAUSE
I THINK IT'S THE DEPARTMENT OF
CRITICAL RACE THEORY.
100%.
I MEAN, YOU HAVE GRANTS AFTER
GRANT OF CULTURALLY RESPONSIVE
LEARNING, WHERE YOU'RE FUNDING,
ESSENTIALLY A CULTURAL
REVOLUTION, NOT JUST WITH
TEACHERS, BUT WITH THE STUDENTS.
THAT'S WHAT ALL THIS WOKEISM'S
ABOUT.
John: YEAH, APPARENTLY THE
DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION IS
FUNDING A CULTURAL REVOLUTION.
I PRESUME THAT'S WHY EVERY
KINDERGARTEN CLASSROOM NOW HAS
THE NEW EDITION OF BROWN BEAR
BROWN BEAR WHAT DO YOU SEE?
WHERE HE RESPONDS: A PARASITIC
MEMBER OF THE BOURGEOISIE."
BUT VOUGHT AND THE REST OF THE
PROJECT 2025 TEAM AREN'T JUST
DEVISING POLICY-- THEY'RE
MAKING SURE THEY'LL HAVE THE
RIGHT PEOPLE IN PLACE TO
IMPLEMENT IT.
ONE OF THE REASONS TRUMP GOT OFF
TO A SLOW START LAST TIME IS
THAT, BECAUSE NOBODY EXPECTED
HIM TO WIN, THERE WASN'T A PLAN
IN PLACE FOR WHAT TO DO ONCE HE
DID.
JARED, FAMOUSLY, TOURED THE
OBAMA WHITE HOUSE NOT LONG AFTER
THE ELECTION, AND ASKED "HOW
MANY OF THE INDIVIDUALS THERE
WOULD REMAIN INTO THE NEXT
ADMINISTRATION."
TO WHICH SOMEONE PRESUMABLY HAD
TO TELL HIM "NOT MANY, YOU
FUCKING IDIOT.
YOU HAVE TO HIRE PEOPLE
YOURSELF.
THAT'S WHAT YOU JUST WON."
BUT THAT CONFUSION WON'T HAPPEN
THIS TIME, BECAUSE PROJECT 2025
IS ASSEMBLING A DATABASE OF
PROSPECTIVE HIRES-- NOT JUST
FOR THE WEST WING, BUT ACROSS
THE THE ENTIRE FEDERAL
GOVERNMENT-- THAT THEY'VE
LIKENED TO "A CONSERVATIVE
LINKEDIN."
HERE'S ONE OF THE LEADERS OF
THAT EFFORT, JOHN MCENTEE,
MAKING HIS PITCH FOR PEOPLE TO
SIGN UP.
IF YOU WANT TO WORK AND MAKE
A DIFFERENCE, YOU CAN GO TO
Project2025.org.
YOU CAN APPLY.
YOU CAN TAKE THE TRAINING.
YOU CAN LEARN ABOUT BEING A
POLITICAL APPOINTEE AND HOW TO
BE EFFECTIVE, WHICH IS SO
IMPORTANT.
OKAY, YOU GOT THE JOB.
NOW WHAT DO YOU DO?
HOW DO YOU TAKE ON THE
BUREAUCRACY?
HOW DO YOU DO ALL OF THESE
THINGS.
SO, THAT'S WHERE WE'RE TRYING TO
HELP JUST GIVE THE PRESIDENT A
LITTLE LEG UP ON STAFFING.
John: IT'S ESSENTIALLY
AN OPEN AUDITION FOR PEOPLE WHO
MIGHT WANT A NEW JOB BECAUSE
THEY LOST THEIR OLD ONE BACK ON
JANUARY 6TH FOR SOME REASON.
AND THEIR GOAL HERE IS CLEAR: TO
ASSEMBLE "AN ARMY OF VETTED,
TRAINED STAFF" WHO CAN "BEGIN
DISMANTLING THE ADMINISTRATIVE
STATE FROM DAY 1."
WHICH IS A LITTLE WEIRD, IF YOU
THINK ABOUT IT.
THEY'RE ASSEMBLING AN ARMY OF
FUTURE GOVERNMENT BUREAUCRATS
WHO HATE THE GOVERNMENT.
IF YOU WERE INTERVIEWING FOR A
JOB AT CHEERIOS, AND THE
INTERVIEWER SAID "WHY DO YOU
WANT TO WORK HERE?"
AND YOU REPLIED "BECAUSE I HATE
CHEERIOS AND WANT TO DESTROY
IT," YOU'D BE IMMEDIATELY
GRABBED BY SECURITY AND NEVER
SEEN AGAIN.
YOU THINK CHEERIOS FUCKS AROUND?
YOU THINK YOU RULE THE CEREAL
AISLE FOR 80 PLUS YEARS WITHOUT
BURYING SOME BODIES?
FUCK AROUND WITH CHEERIOS AND I
PROMISE YOU'LL FIND OUT.
AND ONCE PROJECT 2025'S WRECKING
CREW IS IN PLACE, THEY'VE
OUTLINED A NUMBER OF STRATEGIES
THAT CAN BE USED TO MAKE SURE
TRUMP CAN DO AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE
WITHOUT NEEDING CONGRESS.
A LOT OF THEM DERIVE FROM THE
SO-CALLED "UNITARY EXECUTIVE
THEORY," WHICH WAS DEVELOPED
DURING THE REAGAN YEARS.
ITS SUPPORTERS ARGUE THAT
"ARTICLE 2 OF THE CONSTITUTION
GIVES THE PRESIDENT COMPLETE
CONTROL OF THE EXECUTIVE
BRANCH."
AS ONE PERSON WHO'S READ THAT
MANIFESTO PUTS IT, IT TURNS THE
SEPARATION OF POWERS AMONG THE
THREE BRANCHES INTO A GAME OF
ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS-- EXCEPT
ROCK BEATS EVERYTHING.
HERE'S ONE EXAMPLE: THERE USED
TO BE A THING CALLED
"IMPOUNDMENT," WHERE A PRESIDENT
COULD STOP OR REDIRECT MONEY
THAT CONGRESS HAD ALREADY
APPROPRIATED FOR SOMETHING.
CONGRESS ACTUALLY MADE THAT
ILLEGAL IN 1974, AFTER SOME
ABUSES DURING THE NIXON
ADMINISTRATION.
IT MAY ALSO RING A BELL BECAUSE
IT CAME UP DURING TRUMP'S FIRST
IMPEACHMENT HEARINGS, WHEN HE
HELD UP AID TO UKRAINE, TO TRY
AND GET THEM TO LOOK FOR DIRT ON
THE BIDEN FAMILY.
BUT TRUMP'S TEAM NOW WANT TO
BRING IMPOUNDMENT BACK, TO
THWART ANYTHING LIBERAL THAT
COMES OUT OF CAPITOL HILL.
JUST LISTEN TO LARRY KUDLOW, ONE
OF TRUMP'S TOP ECONOMIC ADVISORS
IN HIS FIRST TERM, GET VERY
EXCITED WHEN TALKING ABOUT IT.
SO LET'S GET BACK TO, YOU
KNOW, YOU AND I AGREE, HOW ABOUT
GIVING THE POWER--
IMPOUNDMENT.
OF IMPOUNDMENT TO THE
PRESIDENT?
IMPOUNDMENT.
IT'S A GREAT IDEA.
IMPOUND THEIR TUCHUSES OFF.
IMPOUND THEIR REAR ENDS OFF.
YEAH.
[LAUGHS]
THAT'S WHAT YOU DO AND LEAVE
ALL THIS LEGISLATIVE BS.
JUST IMPOUND, IMPOUND, IMPOUND.
John: WOW, HE'S GETTING FIRED
UP THERE.
ALSO, "IMPOUND THEIR REAR ENDS
OFF" SOUNDS LESS LIKE A
STATEMENT ABOUT PRESIDENTIAL
POWER AND MORE LIKE A SLOGAN
FROM A PRIDE EVENT IN THE "CARS"
UNIVERSE.
BUT IT GOES WELL BEYOND
IMPOUNDMENT.
IN FACT, IT'S ONE OF THE MOST
BORING-SOUNDING PARTS OF PROJECT
2025 THAT COULD ACTUALLY END UP
BEING THE MOST INSIDIOUS,
BECAUSE IT COULD MAKE ACHIEVING
ALL TRUMP'S OTHER GOALS SO MUCH
EASIER.
IT'S CALLED "SCHEDULE F."
AND TO EXPLAIN IT, I'M AFRAID
I'M GOING TO HAVE TO BRIEFLY
TALK ABOUT GOVERNMENT HR
PROCEDURES.
SO JUST SIT TIGHT, AND WHEN
WE'RE DONE, I PROMISE, I'LL PLAY
YOU ANOTHER CLIP FROM
"MILF MANOR" AS A REWARD.
VERY BASICALLY, THERE ARE TWO
KINDS OF FEDERAL EMPLOYEES.
THE FIRST GROUP ARE MERIT-BASED,
CAREER POSITIONS.
THESE JOBS TEND TO BE EXPERTS,
ADMINISTRATORS, AND SUPPORT
STAFF THAT DO THE IMPORTANT WORK
OF KEEPING THE GOVERNMENT
RUNNING.
IT COULD BE AN ENGINEER AT NASA,
A NURSE AT THE V.A., OR A
RAILROAD SAFETY INSPECTOR AT THE
DEPARTMENT OF TRANSPORTATION.
WORKERS LIKE THAT HAVE ROBUST
EMPLOYEE PROTECTIONS, MEANING
THEY CAN'T BE FIRED FOR
POLITICAL REASONS, BECAUSE THEIR
JOBS AREN'T POLITICAL.
THAT WAY THEY CAN WORK OVER MANY
ADMINISTRATIONS, GAINING THE
KIND OF EXTENSIVE EXPERIENCE THE
GOVERNMENT NEEDS TO FUNCTION.
THE SECOND GROUP CONSISTS OF
POLITICAL APPOINTEES, LIKE
CABINET SECRETARIES AND THOSE
UNDER THEM.
THEY'RE HIRED BY A NEW
ADMINISTRATION TO ENSURE THE
CAMPAIGN PROMISES OF THE NEW
PRESIDENT ARE BEING WORKED ON,
AND THEY TEND TO LEAVE WHEN THAT
ADMINISTRATION DOES.
THERE ARE ABOUT 2 MILLION CAREER
FEDERAL EMPLOYEES, AND ONLY
ABOUT 4,000 POLITICAL ONES, WHO
CHANGE DEPENDING ON WHO'S IN
CHARGE.
THOSE ARE THE ONES THE NEW
ADMINISTRATIONS DO HAVE TO HIRE
IN, JARED, YOU FUCKING IDIOT.
OKAY, THAT IS, ESSENTIALLY ALL
THE BACKGROUND YOU NEED TO KNOW
ABOUT FEDERAL PERSONNEL
MANAGEMENT.
IF YOU'RE BORED, IT'S OVER, AND
IF YOU'RE HARD, WELCOME HOME.
AND EITHER WAY, HERE'S THAT
PROMISED CLIP FROM "MILF MANOR".
I'M DEFINITELY CONFLICTED
KISSING JOEY AND IT IS SO WEIRD
BECAUSE MY SON'S NAME IS JOEY
AND THEY KIND OF LOOK ALIKE.
John: OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD!
I WILL SAY THIS, I KNOW THAT'S
GROSS AND INCESTUOUS BUT I WILL
SAY, YOU ALL LIKED THAT SHIT
WHEN IT WAS ON "GAME OF
THRONES."
YOU LAPPED IT RIGHT UP!
IF THAT CLIP HAD A DRAGON IN IT
WOULD THAT MAKE IT BETTER FOR
YOU?
ANYWAY, DURING TRUMP'S FIRST
TERM, HE GOT FRUSTRATED BY THE
FACT SO MANY OF THE CAREER
GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEES SEEMED TO
BE UNDERMINING HIM-- BY TELLING
HIM THINGS HE WANTED TO DO WERE
ILLEGAL, OR THAT THINGS HE SAID
WERE WRONG, OR, Y'KNOW,
TESTIFYING PUBLICLY ABOUT THE
LAWS THEY'D SEEN HIM BREAK.
BUT "SCHEDULE F" WOULD FIX ALL
THAT.
BASICALLY, IT'S A NEW
DESIGNATION THAT WOULD
RECLASSIFY AROUND 50,000 CAREER
CIVIL SERVANTS AS POLITICAL
APPOINTEES, MEANING THEY
WOULDN'T HAVE CIVIL SERVICE
PROTECTIONS FROM GETTING FIRED,
AND WHOEVER REPLACES THEM COULD
BE HIRED ON LOYALTY, NOT ON
MERIT.
HERE'S RUSSELL VOUGHT,
EXPLAINING THE PLAN TO DON JR.'S
FIANCE.
WE HAVE A NUMBER OF IDEAS,
MOST NOTABLY SCHEDULE F, WHICH
ALLOWS US TO RECLASSIFY.
IF YOU WORK ON POLICY, YOU HAVE
THE OPPORTUNITY TO BE
RECLASSIFIED AND TURN INTO AN
AT-WILL EMPLOYMENT.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE GOING
TO GET FIRED TOMORROW, BUT THAT
DOES MEAN THAT YOU ARE NOW
WORKING FOR THE PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES, YOU'RE NOT
WORKING FOR YOUR OWN INSTITUTION
OR YOUR OWN INSTITUTIONAL
BENEFITS.
John: RIGHT, YOU DON'T WORK
FOR THE INSTITUTION, YOU WORK
FOR THE PRESIDENT.
SO IF, FOR EXAMPLE, YOU'RE A
GOVERNMENT WEATHER FORECASTER
USING YOUR EXPERTISE TO PREDICT
THE PATH OF A HURRICANE, AND,
HYPOTHETICALLY, A PRESIDENT
ASSEMBLES THE PRESS, ONLY FOR IT
TO BECOME CLEAR THAT HE'S
EXTENDED YOUR MAP IN BLACK
SHARPIE FOR SOME FUCKING REASON,
YOUR JOB ISN'T TO CORRECT HIM,
IT'S TO SAY "ABSOLUTELY RIGHT,
MR. PRESIDENT.
YOU TRULY ARE THE BEST AT
WEATHER."
EXCEPT THE TRUTH IS, HE WOULDN'T
EVEN NEED A SHARPIE TO DO IT
NEXT TIME, BECAUSE WHATEVER MAP
EXISTS IN HIS HEAD WOULD ALREADY
BE THE OFFICIAL POSITION OF THE
NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE.
IN THAT INTERVIEW, VOUGHT GOES
ON TO LAY OUT EXACTLY WHAT
SCHEDULE F WOULD DO, AND IT'S
WORTH LISTENING TO HIM CLOSELY
BECAUSE IT'S IMPORTANT, EVEN IF
KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE IS CLEARLY
NOT LISTENING TO HIM AT ALL.
THE WHOLE NOTION OF
INDEPENDENCE, KIMBERLY, THERE'S
THIS VIEW FOR 100 YEARS THAT
AGENCIES SHOULD BE INDEPENDENT
OF THE PRESIDENT, AND SOME OF
THEM ARE REALLY INDEPENDENT
UNDER STATUTE, AND SOME OF THEM
JUST WANT TO CALL THEMSELVES
INDEPENDENT.
SURE.
ALL OF IT'S UNCONSTITUTIONAL.
AND ALL OF IT IS DESIGNED SO
THAT A PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES CAN'T CALL THESE
INDIVIDUALS UP AND SAY, "HEY,
YOU GUYS WORK FOR ME.
THIS IS MY POLICY AGENDA.
THESE ARE-- THIS IS WHAT I WANT
YOU TO DO."
John: I WILL SAY, THAT
DEAD-EYED "SURE" IS ABSOLUTELY
THE LEVEL OF CONVERSATIONAL
BUY-IN I'D EXPECT FROM SOMEONE
IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH DON JR.
THERE ARE TIBETAN MONKS WHO
AREN'T THAT GOOD AT MENTALLY
TRANSPORTING THEMSELVES
SOMEWHERE ELSE.
NOW, INTERESTINGLY, TRUMP
ACTUALLY SIGNED AN EXECUTIVE
ORDER ENACTING THIS "SCHEDULE F"
PLAN BACK IN OCTOBER OF 2020,
BUT BARELY ANYONE NOTICED
BECAUSE THE WHOLE THING HAD BEEN
DEVELOPED IN STRICT SECRECY, AND
ISSUED ONLY TWO WEEKS BEFORE THE
ELECTION.
UNDER IT, ANYONE WITH A ROLE
"DEVELOPING POLICY" COULD BE
RECLASSIFIED.
BUT THEY BASICALLY DECIDED THAT
ALMOST ANY ROLE COULD BE
POLICY-RELATED.
IN FACT, VOUGHT-- WHO WAS
SERVING AS TRUMP'S DIRECTOR OF
THE OFFICE OF MANAGEMENT AND
BUDGET AT THE TIME-- DREW UP A
LIST OF POTENTIAL EMPLOYEES THAT
COULD BE RECLASSIFIED THAT
AMOUNTED TO 68% OF HIS
DEPARTMENT'S WORKFORCE.
THANKFULLY, BIDEN UNDID SCHEDULE
F IMMEDIATELY UPON TAKING
OFFICE.
BUT TRUMP SAYS HE PLANS TO
REINSTATE IT ON DAY ONE OF HIS
SECOND TERM.
AND TO UNDERSTAND JUST HOW
CONSEQUENTIAL THAT COULD BE,
IT'S WORTH GOING BACK TO THAT
GUY YOU SAW EARLIER, JOHN
MCENTEE.
HE'S A BIG PROPONENT OF SCHEDULE
F.
HE ALSO HAPPENED TO WORK AS THE
DIRECTOR OF THE WHITE HOUSE
PERSONNEL OFFICE FOR THE LAST
YEAR OF TRUMP'S FIRST TERM-- A
JOB HE GOT AT THE AGE OF JUST
29, AFTER INITIALLY STARTING OUT
AS THE GUY WHO LITERALLY CARRIED
TRUMP'S BAGS.
HERE'S McENTEE TELLING THE FUN
STORY OF HOW HE GOT HIS BIG
PROMOTION.
I WAS WALKING WITH THE
PRESIDENT ON THE COLONNADE IN
THE WHITE HOUSE.
HE SAID, "WHAT-- WHAT'S ON THE
SCHEDULE TODAY?
I WAS READING THROUGH, 9:00 AM
THIS, 10:00 AM, THAT."
I SAID, "YOU HAVE YOUR PPO
MEETING."
HE SAID, "PPO?"
I SAID, "YEAH, THE PERSONNEL
OFFICE IS COMING BY."
HE SAID, "OH, I'VE ALWAYS HAD SO
MANY PROBLEMS WITH THAT OFFICE.
I'VE-- "
YOU KNOW.
AND THEN HE JUST LOOKED AT ME
AND SAID, "DO YOU THINK YOU
COULD RUN THAT OFFICE?"
AND FOR SOME REASON, I SAID,
"YES, I COULD RUN THAT OFFICE."
John: WOW.
THAT'S AN AMAZING STORY.
ALTHOUGH I DON'T KNOW HOW GOOD
IT MAKES YOU LOOK, TO BE HONEST.
"SO THERE I WAS, HOLDING THE
PRESIDENT'S PURSE, WHEN HE SAYS
"HEY YOU, YOU'RE ALIVE AND IN MY
FIELD OF VISION.
DO YOU WANT TO DO SOME SHIT SO I
DON'T HAVE TO?"
HE REALLY SAW MY VALUE IN THAT
MOMENT."
BY ALL ACCOUNTS, MCENTEE USED
HIS SUDDEN POWER TO PURGE ANYONE
EVEN SUSPECTED OF DISLOYALTY TO
THE PRESIDENT.
HIS TEAM PULLED IN EVEN FAIRLY
LOW-LEVEL EMPLOYEES TO MAKE SURE
THEY TOED THE TRUMP PARTY LINE
FOR INSTANCE, AN OFFICE
ASSISTANT AT THE DOJ WAS ASKED
TO EXPLAIN WHY SHE'D VOTED IN A
LOCAL DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY A FEW
YEARS EARLIER.
AND EMPLOYEES WERE EXPECTED TO
ENDORSE POLICIES THAT HAD
NOTHING TO DO WITH THEIR WORK.
OFFICIALS AT THE EPA AND HUD
WERE APPARENTLY ASKED, "DO YOU
SUPPORT THE PRESIDENT'S PLAN TO
WITHDRAW ALL U.S. TROOPS FROM
AFGHANISTAN?"
AND PITY THE RANDOM PLANT
BIOLOGIST AT THE EPA WHO HAD TO
BE LIKE, "I DUNNO, HOW WILL IT
AFFECT FERNS?"
INCIDENTALLY, SINCE LEAVING THE
WHITE HOUSE, MCENTEE'S KEPT BUSY
NOT ONLY WORKING ON PROJECT
2025, BUT ALSO STARTING THIS
TERRIBLE CONSERVATIVE DATING APP
CALLED "THE RIGHT STUFF."
I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU ABOUT
SOMETHING I AM SO EXCITED TO
ANNOUNCE: A DATING APP FOR ALL
OF US CONSERVATIVES.
YOU'LL START OFF BY BUILDING
YOUR PERFECT PROFILE-- NO
PRONOUNS NECESSARY.
WE WANT YOU TO PUT YOUR BEST
FOOT FORWARD, WHICH INCLUDES
YOUR FAVORITE PHOTOS OF YOURSELF
DOING WHAT YOU LOVE OR BEING
WITH THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE.
OUR PROMPTS GIVE YOU THE
OPPORTUNITY TO LET PEOPLE KNOW
VARIOUS SIDES OF YOU.
SO REMEMBER, BE AUTHENTIC AND
CREATIVE.
John: OKAY, A FEW THINGS.
FIRST, YOU DON'T NEED A NEW
DATING APP TO FIND CONSERVATIVES
ONLINE.
JUST GO ONTO ANY EXISTING APP
AND FILTER FOR PEOPLE WHO
DESCRIBE THEIR VIEWS AS
"MODERATE."
ANY SINGLE WOMAN IN A BIG CITY
CAN TELL YOU, "MODERATE" JUST
MEANS "I'M A RIGHT-WING NUTJOB
BUT I'D LIKE TO GET LAID,
PLEASE."
AND THERE'S SO MUCH IN THAT AD,
FROM THE IMAGE OF TRUMP HIMSELF
IN ONE OF THE PROFILE PHOTOS, TO
THE FACT SOME OF THOSE FUN
"PROMPTS" INCLUDE NAMING YOUR
FAVORITE "LIBERAL LIE."
AND IF YOU GO ON THE APP, YOU'LL
FIND ANOTHER PROMPT FOR YOU TO
FILL IN THAT JUST SAYS
"JANUARY 6TH WAS..."
AND WHAT IS THE RIGHT ANSWER
WHEN A DATING APP ASKS YOU TO
RATE AN INSURRECTION?
"JANUARY 6TH WAS...
A TOTAL TURN ON, NOW GET OVER
HERE AND SHATTER MY ASSHOLE LIKE
IT'S A CAPITOL WINDOW?"
MCENTEE ALSO CREATED A TIKTOK
ACCOUNT FOR THE SITE, WHERE
EVERY VIDEO SEEMS TO BE A POV
SHOT OF WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE ON
A DATE WITH HIM, WHICH SEEMS TO
BE AN ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE.
I WAS WATCHING TV YESTERDAY,
WHICH I USUALLY DON'T DO, AND I
NOTICED SOMETHING WITH THE
COMMERCIALS, WHEN DID EVERYONE
IN AMERICA BECOME BLACK AND GAY?
DO YOU REALLY THINK HANDING
OVER YOUR GUN ENDS GUN VIOLENCE?
THAT'S LIKE CHOPPING OFF YOUR
OWN DICK TO STOP RAPE.
IF YOU SAY PALESTINIANS
DESERVE A HOMELAND JUST FOR
THEMSELVES YOU'RE WOKE, BUT IF
YOU SAY WHITE PEOPLE DESERVE A
HOMELAND JUST FOR THEMSELVES
YOU'RE RACIST?
IT'S FUNNY HOW NEW YORK WENT
FROM TRYING TO BAN BIG GULPS TO
PEOPLE OPENLY SHITTING IN THE
STREET.
John: OKAY!
YOU CLEARLY HAVE SOME QUESTIONS,
AND I CAN SEE YOUR FOOD IS
GETTING COLD, SO REAL QUICK: ONE
EVERYONE IN AMERICA ISN'T
BLACK AND GAY, THOUGH SOME
PEOPLE ARE, AND SOMETIMES THEY
DO APPEAR IN COMMERCIALS.
TWO, TO BE CLEAR, I THINK YOU
JUST MADE YOURSELF THE RAPIST IN
YOUR OWN HYPOTHETICAL THERE.
THREE, IS WANTING A HOMELAND
JUST FOR WHITE PEOPLE RACIST?
YES, YES, IT IS, THANKS FOR
ASKING.
AND FINALLY, PEOPLE IN NEW YORK
HAVE BEEN SHITTING OPENLY IN THE
STREET LONG BEFORE BIG GULPS
WERE EVEN INVENTED.
AND IT'S AN ODD THING TO BRING
UP SECONDS BEFORE INSERTING AN
ENTIRE HAMBURGER INTO YOUR FACE.
AND WHILE I KNOW THOSE TIKTOKS
ARE VERY, VERY DUMB, ONE OF
THEM'S ACTUALLY A PRETTY GOOD
REMINDER OF MCENTEE'S ENTIRE
PHILOSOPHY WHEN IT COMES TO
GOVERNMENT STAFFING.
SO ELON MUSK CUT 90% OF
TWITTER'S STAFF AND IT'S STILL
WORKING FINE.
SHOULD WE TRY THAT WITH
GOVERNMENT NEXT?
John: YEAH, IS THAT THE BEST
COMPARISON, THOUGH?
BECAUSE I'M NOT SURE TWITTER IS
"WORKING FINE" SO MUCH AS IT'S
"A RUINED CASTLE SLOWLY SINKING
INTO THE BOG OF IRRELEVANCE."
BUT I GUESS THERE ARE A LOT MORE
NAZIS ON THERE NOW WHICH DOES
SEEM TO TRACK WITH YOUR PLANS
FOR GOVERNMENT.
AND LOOK, I'M NOT SAYING THERE
AREN'T LOTS OF WAYS TO MAKE THE
GOVERNMENT MORE EFFICIENT.
THERE ARE, BUT THIS ISN'T THE
WAY TO DO IT.
BECAUSE THERE'S CLEARLY A
PROBLEM WITH MAKING LARGE CHUNKS
OF THE GOVERNMENT SUBORDINATE TO
THE WHIMS OF THE CHIEF EXECUTIVE
AND HIS ADVISER/AMATEUR/
FOOD COMEDIAN/FOUNDER OF
TRADWIFE E-HARMONY-- ESPECIALLY
WHEN THIS PARTICULAR CHIEF
EXECUTIVE FAMOUSLY VALUES
LOYALTY OVER ALL ELSE.
JUST LISTEN TO THIS HEAD OF A
GOVERNMENT-WORKER UNION POINT
OUT THE OBVIOUS.
DO YOU WANT PEOPLE DOING
SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH AT THE
NUCLEAR REGULATORY COMMISSION
WHO DON'T HAVE THE
QUALIFICATIONS TO PERFORM THAT
KIND OF WORK?
THEIR ONLY QUALIFICATION IS AN
ALLEGIANCE TO THE TRUMP AGENDA.
IT'S VERY DISHEARTENING AND
IT'S-- IT'S SCARY.
I THINK THAT THERE WILL BE A
MASSIVE EXODUS OF COMPETENCE.
John: RIGHT, WHEN YOU FIRE
EVERYONE WHO KNOWS WHAT THEY'RE
DOING AND ONLY HIRE PEOPLE WHO
WILL SAY YES TO THE RICH GUY IN
CHARGE, THAT'S NOT A RECIPE FOR
GOOD GOVERNMENT.
IT'S A RECIPE FOR THE TITAN
SUBMERSIBLE.
I DON'T WANT SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH
ABOUT NUCLEAR POWER BEING DONE
BY PEOPLE WITHOUT EXPERIENCE.
I DON'T WANT MY LATTE MADE BY
SOMEONE WITHOUT EXPERIENCE.
"OH, IT'S YOUR FIRST DAY?
I'M SORRY, STEP ASIDE.
GIVE ME THE DOUR BARISTA WITH A
FULL SLEEVE OF TECHNO-BOTANICAL
STICK-AND-POKE TATTOOS AND A
SEPTUM PIERCING WHO ONLY WORKS
FIVE YEARS AND HATES EVERYBODY
HERE.
EXPERIENCE MATTERS."
AND LOOK, THERE ARE AGENCIES
WHERE YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T WANT A
PRESIDENT INTERFERING FOR
POLITICAL ADVANTAGE-- LIKE THE
DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE, OR THE
EPA.
BUT THERE ARE ALSO LESS OBVIOUS
THE PRESIDENT COULD EXERT A LOT
MORE POWER BY TELLING PEOPLE
WHAT TO DO.
FOR INSTANCE, TRUMP WOULDN'T
NEED CONGRESS TO VOTE ON A
NATIONWIDE BAN ON ABORTION
DRUGS, WHEN HE COULD SIMPLY HAVE
HIS FDA DECLARE THEM UNSAFE
INSTEAD-- THAT PLAN,
INCIDENTALLY, IS SPECIFICALLY
SPELLED OUT IN PROJECT 2025'S
HANDBOOK, WHICH SUGGESTS THE
PRESIDENT HAVE THE FDA
"REVERSE ITS APPROVAL OF
CHEMICAL ABORTION DRUGS,"
SOMETHING THAT'S A PET PROJECT
FOR VOUGHT, WHO HAS SAID, AMONG
OTHER THINGS, "THE FAMILIES OF
THE WEST ARE NOT HAVING ENOUGH
BABIES FOR THEIR SOCIETIES TO
ENDURE."
IN FACT, FOR ALL TRUMP'S TALK OF
WANTING TO GET RID OF THE DEEP
STATE, SCHEDULE F ISN'T
ELIMINATING IT, IT'S CREATING A
DEEP STATE THAT'S LOYAL TO HIM,
AND DRIVING GOOD PEOPLE OUT OF
GOVERNMENT.
AND PEOPLE ACROSS THE POLITICAL
SPECTRUM HAVE BEEN RAISING
ALARMS ABOUT THIS.
ROBERT SHEA, A SENIOR OFFICIAL
UNDER GEORGE W. BUSH, AND A
SELF-DESCRIBED HUGELY
CONSERVATIVE, LOYAL REPUBLICAN,
HAS SAID HIRING PEOPLE BASED ON
PERSONAL POLITICAL LOYALTIES
WOULD PRODUCE "AN ARMY OF
SUCK-UPS," ADDING, I CAN'T
OVERSTATE MY LEVEL OF CONCERN
ABOUT THE DAMAGE THIS WOULD DO
TO THE INSTITUTION OF THE
FEDERAL GOVERNMENT...
YOU WOULD HAVE THINGS FORMERLY
CONSIDERED ILLEGAL OR
UNCONSTITUTIONAL POPPING UP ALL
ACROSS THE GOVERNMENT LIKE
WHACK-A-MOLE.
AND THE ABILITY TO FIGHT THEM
WOULD BE INHIBITED."
BUT THAT'S PROBABLY BE THE POINT
HERE.
AND I GET THAT "TRUMP UNRAVELING
CIVIL SERVICE PROTECTIONS" ISN'T
THE SEXIEST HEADLINE-- BUT IT'S
ALSO THE ACTION THAT COULD
UNLOCK HIS ABILITY TO DO ALL THE
INCREDIBLY DAMAGING THINGS THAT
HE AND THOSE INVOLVED IN PROJECT
2025 HAVE BEEN PLANNING.
SO, WHAT DO WE DO?
WELL, THE SIMPLE THING IS, DON'T
VOTE FOR DONALD TRUMP.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU WERE
PLANNING ON DOING THAT, BUT I
THINK IT SHOULD BE CLEAR BY NOW
THAT THE OFFICIAL POSITION OF
THIS SHOW IS THAT YOU SHOULD NOT
VOTE FOR DONALD TRUMP.
NOT FOR PRESIDENT, NOT FOR
WINNER OF "THE MASKED SINGER."
BASICALLY NOT FOR ANYTHING.
AND WHILE I HAVE A LOT OF
PROBLEMS WITH BIDEN, HE'S
CLEARLY THE BETTER OF THE TWO
OPTIONS.
WHICH I RECOGNIZE IS A LOW BAR.
BEING BETTER THAN DONALD TRUMP
CANNOT BE THE STANDARD, BECAUSE
TRUMP HIMSELF IS THE VERY
ABSENCE OF A STANDARD.
BUT THE TRUTH IS, EVEN IF TRUMP
LOSES, THAT WON'T BE THE END OF
THIS.
THE PEOPLE WHO COOKED UP PROJECT
2025 WILL JUST MOVE ON TO
PROJECT 2029 INSTEAD, BECAUSE
FOR THEM, THIS IS ABOUT SO MUCH
MORE THAN JUST ONE ELECTION, OR
INDEED, ONE CANDIDATE.
PROJECT 2025 IS BORN FROM AN
IMPULSE AS OLD AS AMERICA.
IT'S AN IMPULSE THAT SAYS ONE
CLASS OF AMERICANS IS ENTITLED
TO LEAD, AND THE REST OF US ARE
LUCKY TO BE ALLOWED TO SERVE.
THAT THINKS THERE SHOULD BE A
LIMITED GOVERNMENT WHEN IT COMES
TO RULES THEY HAVE TO LIVE BY,
BUT ALSO A UNITARY EXECUTIVE TO
KEEP THE REST OF US IN LINE.
THESE ARE OLD IDEAS THAT HAVE
BEEN SHOUTED FROM PODIUMS BY THE
LIKES OF GEORGE WALLACE AND PAT
BUCHANAN, BUT HAVE NOW BEEN
PLACED INTO A NEW PLAYBOOK FOR
AN ONLY-TOO-WILLING PRESIDENT TO
USE ON DAY ONE.
AND IN A PERFECT WORLD, I'D LOVE
IF WE HAD AN OPPOSING PARTY
BETTER ABLE TO ARTICULATE A
STRONG DEFENSE OF OUR COUNTRY'S
IDEALS, AND THAT ALSO
CONSISTENTLY LIVED UP TO THEM.
PEOPLE ARE ENTITLED TO HOPE FOR
MORE FROM THE NEXT FOUR YEARS
THAN SOMEONE JUST "NOT BEING
TRUMP," AND FOR AT LEAST TWO
SUPREME COURT JUSTICES TO DIE...
I'M NOT SAYING WHICH ONES I'D
PREFER, BUT...
I THINK WE ALL HAVE OUR TOP TWO.
AND FOR ANYONE TEMPTED TO THINK,
"WELL, WE SURVIVED TRUMP'S FIRST
TERM," NOT EVERYONE DID.
AND AS SHOULD HOPEFULLY BE CLEAR
BY NOW, A SECOND TRUMP TERM
REALLY PROMISES TO BE FAR, FAR
WORSE.
BECAUSE IF HIS FIRST TERM WAS
DEFINED BY CHAOS, HIS SECOND
COULD BE DEFINED BY RUTHLESS
EFFICIENCY.
AND THAT SHOULD BE TROUBLING TO
EVERYONE.
BECAUSE PROJECT 2025 IS A
MOVEMENT WHOSE MEMBERS JOKE
ABOUT WANTING A WHITE HOMELAND,
AND INSIST WOMEN HAVE TO HAVE
MORE BABIES TO UPHOLD WESTERN
SOCIETY, AND ITS WORK MAY BE
ABOUT TO BE FUNNELED THROUGH A
MAN WHO HAPPILY CALLS HIS FELLOW
AMERICANS "VERMIN."
IT'S NOT SUBTLE, IT'S HARD TO
MISS, AND ONCE YOU SEE IT, YOU
CAN'T UNSEE IT.
AND I KNOW THAT'S BLEAK, SO LET
ME LEAVE YOU WITH SOMETHING TO
WHICH THAT EXACT SAME
DESCRIPTION CAN ACTUALLY APPLY,
YOUR THIRD AND FINAL CLIP FROM
"MILF MANOR."
OH, MY GOD, THE DADS ARE
HOTTER THAN THE SONS.
EVEN THE ONE ON THE CRUTCH.
I WANT THE ONE ON THE
CRUTCHES!
YEAH, DEFINITELY THE DADS ARE
GIVING ME COOCHIE TINGLES.
I WOULD'VE NEVER THOUGHT I'D
SEE MY SON IN THIS SITUATION
WITH ALL THESE OLDER WOMEN.
I JUST NEVER THOUGHT YOU LIKE
OLDER WOMEN.
YEAH, NO, I DO.
I WANNA CALL THEM MOMMY.
John: WE NEED TO BE BETTER
THAN THIS.
WE NEED TO BE BETTER THAN ALL OF
THIS.
AND NOW THIS.
Announcer: AND NOW,
THERE'S NOTHING CELEBRITIES LIKE
MORE THAN TELLING ARCHITECTURAL
DIGEST ABOUT THEIR FIREPLACES.
I LOVE FIREPLACES, EVEN IN
CALIFORNIA I HATE HEATERS.
I CAN'T HAVE HEATERS ON, SO WHEN
IT GETS A LITTLE BIT CHILLY IN
THE WINTER I PREFER THE
FIREPLACE APPEARED >> IVA
FIREPLACE HERE WHICH I REDID
INTO GOLD.
AT THE FIREPLACE USED TO BE LIKE
MIRRORED AND FOGGY.
LIKE WE NEED TO FIX THE
FIREPLACE.
SO CHILL LUXURY TO HAVE A
WOOD GRAIN FIREPLACE.
I HAD TWO WOOD GRAIN FIREPLACES
IN THE KITCHEN.
I HAVE A FIREPLACE HERE.
I WANTED THE FIREPLACE TO BE
A STATEMENT.
IT'S IMPORTANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE
THE FIREPLACE.
THIS IS MY DOUBLE-SIDED
FIREPLACE.
FROM THE MOMENT I WAKE UP AND
TURN ON THE FIREPLACES, I LIKE
TO DO PHONE CALLS AND HEAR END.
I HAVE THE ABILITY TO TURN ON
MY FIREPLACE.
WHEN I'M HOME, THE FIREPLACE
IS DEFINITELY ON.
I LOVE THIS ROOM, THIS IS THE
PLACE I LIKE TO GO IN AND LIGHT
A FIRE.
THIS USED TO HAVE A PLASTIC
REGULAR FIREPLACE MANTLE AND WE
PUT OUR OWN DISCO FIREPLACE.
THIS IS ANOTHER WORKING
FIREPLACE, IT'S REALLY NICE TO
HAVE A FIREPLACE.
THIS IS ANOTHER FIREPLACE COME
OUT TO BE ABLE TO CLOSE THE DOOR
TO THE FIREPLACE AND STILL SEE A
BEAUTIFUL FIRE.
THIS USED TO BE A FULL WALL
WITH A FIREPLACE.
WE DIDN'T LIKE IT AND WE PUT
THIS BEAUTIFUL-- BASED ON
KRISTY'S IDEA, WE PUT THIS
BEAUTIFUL ART INSTALLATION.
I KETAMINE.
John: MOVING ON.
BEFORE WE GO, A QUICK UPDATE.
YOU MIGHT REMEMBER, TWO WEEKS
AGO, WE BOUGHT THE CONTENTS OF
THIS SHUTTERED RED LOBSTER IN
UPSTATE NEW YORK, AND REBUILT IT
INSIDE THIS STUDIO.
UNFORTUNATELY, IT TURNED OUT
THIS NEARBY BAKERY WAS
DISAPPOINTED, BECAUSE THEY'D PUT
A NOTE ON THE DOOR OF THAT RED
LOBSTER, ASKING FOR TWO PIECES
OF THEIR KITCHEN EQUIPMENT.
WHICH I MAINTAIN IS STILL THE
STRANGEST WAY TO COMMUNICATE A
DESIRE TO PURCHASE SOMETHING.
IT'S LIKE ORDERING LUNCH BY
WRITING WHAT YOU WANT AND TYING
IT TO THE LEG OF A CARRIER
PIGEON.
YOU'RE NOT GETTING YOUR
SWEETGREEN SALAD.
AT BEST, IT'S COMING BACK WITH A
RAT ON ITS BACK AND A SINGLE
AIRPOD IN ITS MOUTH.
NEVERTHELESS, LAST WEEK, WE
OFFERED TO SEND THIS BRAND-NEW
EQUIPMENT TO THAT BAKERY, WITH
ONE CONDITION.
BECAUSE WE'D NOTICED THEY MAKE
CAKE BEARS, AND I WANTED A CAKE
BEAR WITH MY FACE ON IT, AS
WOULD ANYONE IN MY POSITION,
BECAUSE LIFE IS SHORT, TV IS FUN
AND CAKE IS BEAR.
I ESPECIALLY WANTED ONE BECAUSE,
AS YOU CAN SEE, EACH BEAR HAS AN
ABSOLUTE DUMPTRUCK ASS, AND
SIMPLY PUT, ME GUSTA.
SO LAST SUNDAY NIGHT, WE REACHED
OUT TO THEM IN THEIR FAVORITE
WAY, BY ATTACHING THIS NOTE TO
THEIR DOOR.
AND IT TURNS OUT, ONE OF THE
BAKERY'S OWNERS GOT THE MESSAGE.
WE WERE SO PRESENTLY
SURPRISED TO COME IN THIS
MORNING WITH THIS LOVELY NOTE ON
OUR DOOR AND THEN I WAS LIKE WOW
WHAT IS THAT AND I CHECKED UM
JOHN OLIVER SHOW AND I WATCHED
THE WHOLE SHOW WHILE I WAS
WORKING THIS MORNING AND YOU
KNOW WE'RE JUST SO GRATEFUL THAT
WE GOT TO BE PART OF THE SHOW
AND THAT HE'S GOING TO DONATE
THIS KITCHEN EQUIPMENT TO US,
AND HERE'S HIS CUPCAKES.
John: YES!
I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THAT
CAKE BEAR.
ITS WIDE OPEN EYES, PLEADING,
"MUNCH ME.
MUNCH A BITE OUT OF MY ASS RIGHT
NOW."
I LOVE THE LITTLE PAWS, THE
LITTLE NOSE, AND THAT EACH BEAR
BASICALLY LOOKS LIKE IT'S
WEARING A JOHN OLIVER HALLOWEEN
MASK.
AND THEY MADE THOSE BEARS SO
FAST.
THAT GUY APPARENTLY WOKE UP TO
TEXTS ABOUT OUR SHOW AT 3 IN THE
MORNING-- A NIGHTMARE I
WOULDN'T WISH ON MY WORST ENEMY
AND BY 10 A.M., THE BEARS
WERE ALREADY ON SALE.
AND THEY EVEN HONORED MY REQUEST
THEY BE GIVEN AN ENORMOUS ASS,
AS THEIR FACEBOOK POST
ANNOUNCING THEM SAID, "THEY HAVE
DONK," ALL CAPS.
AND JUST LIKE THAT, FACEBOOK IS
GOOD AGAIN.
SORRY FOR EVERYTHING I SAID
ABOUT YOU, ZUCKERBERG, YOU
REALLY ARE A BOY GENIUS.
AND THE GOOD NEWS IS, THE BEARS
HAVE BEEN SELLING SURPRISINGLY
WELL.
THE FIRST BATCH OF ABOUT 80
JOHN OLIVER CAKE BEARS SOLD OUT
IN UNDER AN HOUR.
IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE.
I WAS LIKE, I CAN'T BELIEVE WE
WENT VIRAL, AND THE AMOUNT OF
EMAILS AND MESSAGES ON SOCIAL
MEDIA THAT WE'RE GETTING AND
PEOPLE WANT THEM SHIPPED TO,
LIKE, THE PHILIPPINES AND
AUSTRALIA.
I WAS A LITTLE SHOCKED.
I WAS LIKE, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS
IS REAL LIFE RIGHT NOW.
THIS LARGE CAKE BEAR IS GOING
STRAIGHT TO OLIVER, DEISING
SELLING THE SMALLER ONES FOR
EIGHT BUCKS EACH AND SENDING ALL
THE PROCEEDS TO PEOPLE'S PLACE
FOOD PANTRY IN KINGSTON.
John: AGAIN, EXCELLENT.
NOT ONLY ARE THEY DONATING ALL
THE PROCEEDS FOR THE FIRST WEEK
TO THIS LOCAL FOOD BANK, HE'S
EATING THAT BEAR IN THE MANNER
I'D SUGGESTED THEY WERE BEST
ENJOYED, ASS FIRST.
AND CAN I JUST SAY--
RESPECTFULLY, SIR, THAT'S A LOT
OF EYE CONTACT.
I DON'T MEAN TO MAKE THIS WEIRD,
BUT MY ONLY QUESTION IS...
SO WHAT ARE WE?
AND THE DONATION TO THAT FOOD
BANK COULD END UP BEING
CONSIDERABLE, GIVEN, AT TIMES,
THEY WERE APPARENTLY SELLING
AROUND 100 BEARS AN HOUR.
AND IT SEEMS THE CAKES DO
HAVE FANS.
ONE CUSTOMER TOOK THEIR CAKE
BEAR TO VISIT THE SHUTTERED RED
LOBSTER THAT STARTED ALL THIS,
WHILE ANOTHER MADE THIS
SUPERLATIVE TIKTOK.
♪ ♪
John: LISTEN, AS A
47-YEAR-OLD WHO LOOKS LIKE A
67-YEAR-OLD, I CLEARLY DON'T
UNDERSTAND TIKTOK.
BUT I DO KNOW PERFECT FILMMAKING
WHEN I SEE IT, AND THAT IS
PERFECT FILMMAKING RIGHT THERE.
LOOK, THIS HAS ALL BEEN A LOT OF
FUN.
AND FAIR IS FAIR: WE SENT
DEISING'S NEW KITCHEN EQUIPMENT
UP TO THEM ON THURSDAY.
ON TOP OF WHICH, I'M HAPPY TO
SAY WE'LL BE MAKING OUR OWN
$10,000 DONATION TO THAT LOCAL
FOOD BANK.
AND NOW, THERE'S REALLY ONLY ONE
THING LEFT TO REVEAL.
BECAUSE IT TURNS OUT, DEISING'S
DIDN'T JUST MAKE THAT LARGE CAKE
BEAR THAT YOU SAW EARLIER--
THEY ALSO MADE ANOTHER,
FEATURING MY ACTUAL LIKENESS,
AND IT IS THE SINGLE FUNNIEST
POSSIBLE RENDERING OF ME AS A
BEAR.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE IT?
PLEASE, COME WITH ME.
I LOOK AT THIS EYES, LOOK AT IT
SKIN, LOOK AT ITS MOUTH!
I'M HUMBLED, SHOCKED, AND THE
KICK BEAR SUGGESTS, SLIGHTLY
TERRIFIED, BUT I'M ALSO
IMPRESSED BECAUSE YOU CLEARLY
HEARD MY CHALLENGE AND SOMETHING
THAT LOOKS BOTH LIKE ME AND
THOSE THAT HAVE WEATHERED THE
ART FOG THAT HAS BEEN THROUGH 14
DIVORCES.
IT INCLUDES AN EDIBLE NOTE
READING "DON'T BE A MONSTER,
HAVE SOME CLASS AND EAT IT ASS
FIRST."
DEISING, JUST PERFECT, SO
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
TO DEISING'S WE AGREED THAT
ROAST THE CHALLENGE OF PRODUCING
A PRODUCT ON ZERO NOTICE THAT
DIDN'T EXIST AND SOMEHOW BEEN
ADVERTISED ON NATIONAL TV AND
THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO BOUGHT
THE BEARS.
I CAN ONLY THINK OF ONE WAY TO
END THIS AND THIS IS TO EAT THE
BEAR THAT I LOVE SO VERY MUCH
AND THE ONLY UNIVERSALLY
ACCEPTABLE MANNER, AND THAT IS
BY TAKING A BITE OUT OF ITS
SUMPTUOUS ASS.
HERE WE GO!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪
WE DID IT!
THAT IS OUR SHOW!
WE WILL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!
GOOD NIGHT!
THANK YOU!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪
SURE.