♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
John: WELCOME, WELCOME,
WELCOME TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT."
I'M JOHN OLIVER.
THANKS SO MUCH FOR JOINING US.
WE'RE BACK!
WE'VE BEEN AWAY FOR NEARLY A
MONTH, BUT LUCKILY, WE DIDN'T
MISS MUCH.
THE UK KICKED THE TORIES OUT
AFTER 14 YEARS, FRANCE NARROWLY
MANAGED TO KEEP THE FAR RIGHT
OUT OF POWER.
AND KENDRICK LAMAR RELEASED THE
VIDEO FOR THE SPECTACULARLY
HOSTILE "NOT LIKE US" ON THE
FOURTH OF JULY, AND THAT'S THE
END OF THE GOOD THINGS THAT
HAPPENED.
BECAUSE THERE WAS ALSO A
CATASTROPHIC DEBATE WHERE BIDEN
GAVE A PERFORMANCE THAT, IN ANY
OTHER CONTEXT, WOULD HAVE
PROMPTED A FAMILY GROUP CHAT
ABOUT GRANDPA'S MENTAL STATE SO
TENSE IT'D RIVAL 2010'S MELTDOWN
OVER THE QUESTION,
"WHY DON'T WE HAVE A VEGAN
THANKSGIVING THIS YEAR?"
ALSO, NOTABLY,
TRUMP GOT SHOT IN THE EAR, THEN
BIDEN SAID HE'D CONSIDER
DROPPING OUT IF HE HAD A MEDICAL
CONDITION JUST BEFORE IT WAS
ANNOUNCED THAT HE'D GOT COVID.
THE NEWS IS MOVING SO FAST,
WE'RE TAPING ON SATURDAY, AND
WHO KNOWS WHERE THINGS WILL BE
BY THE TIME YOU ACTUALLY WATCH
THIS?
WE DON'T EVEN HAVE TIME TO GET
INTO THE POSSIBLE ATTEMPT AT A
MILITARY COUP IN BOLIVIA AFTER
SOLDIERS RAMMED THE DOORS OF THE
PRESIDENTIAL PALACE-- AN
INCIDENT THAT LED ONE LOCAL
SANDWICH SHOP TO PRODUCE THIS
BOLD PROMOTION:
THIS IS THE MOMENT TO MAKE
THE MOST OF THE PROMO FOR YOUR
LIST OF STAPLE FOODS.
MAKE THE MOST OF THIS PROMO.
IF YOU PLACE YOUR ORDER
MENTIONING YOU WANT TO STOCK UP
FOR THE NEXT COUP, AS A GIFT
WILL ADD AN EXTRA CRUNCHY PORK
RIND!
John: THAT IS REAL!
THEY LAUNCHED A COUP-THEMED
PROMOTION TO SELL MORE
SANDWICHES, A LEVEL OF "TURNING
NATIONAL INSTABILITY INTO A
FAST-FOOD OPPORTUNITY" THAT
SHOULD FRANKLY PUT AMERICA TO
SHAME.
WHERE THE FUCK IS PIZZA HUT'S
POST ASSASSINATION-ATTEMPT
STUFFED CRUST SPECIAL?
THIS COUNTRY IS COASTING.
WE USED TO BE GOOD AT THIS!
BUT WE'RE GOING TO JUMP RIGHT IN
TO OUR MAIN STORY TONIGHT, WHICH
CONCERNS THE REPUBLICAN NATIONAL
CONVENTION-- THE WORST THING TO
HAPPEN TO MILWAUKEE SINCE
JEFFREY DAHMER.
THIS WEEK SAW THE USUAL PAGEANT
OF PROMINENT POLITICIANS
ONSTAGE AND ABJECT WEIRDOS IN
AUDIENCE, FROM ATTENDEES WEARING
BANDAGES ON THEIR EARS TO MATCH
TRUMP'S, TO THIS GUY CRASHING A
REPORTER'S SHOT IN A "WHERE IS
THE EPSTEIN CLIENT LIST?"
T-SHIRT TO THIS WOMAN IN A
"BRIDE TO BE" SASH, HAVING THE
MOST CURSED BACHELORETTE PARTY
IN EXISTENCE.
IT FEELS LIKE SHE TOLD HER
BRIDESMAIDS SHE WANTED TO SEE A
BUNCH OF DICKS ON STAGE, AND
THEY TRAGICALLY MISUNDERSTOOD
THE ASSIGNMENT.
ALTHOUGH TO BE FAIR, IF ANYTHING
SCREAMS "LAST NIGHT OF FREEDOM",
IT IS THE REPUBLICAN NATIONAL
CONVENTION.
THERE WAS ALSO HULK HOGAN
TEARING HIS SHIRT OFF,
KID ROCK SCREAM-SINGING TO A
CROWD THAT WAS EITHER NOT INTO
IT OR "WAY" TOO INTO IT, AND A
SPEECH FROM PERRY JOHNSON, A
FAILED PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE
FROM MICHIGAN, WHO PUT HIS ALL
INTO RALLYING THE CROWD, ONLY TO
BE PLAYED OFF BY THE BAND WITH
THE BEST POSSIBLE SONG CHOICE.
PRESIDENT TRUMP IS READY TO
SAVE OUR COUNTRY!
TO MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN
AGAIN!
I AM READY TO DO WHATEVER IS
NECESSARY TO GET TRUMP BACK IN
THE WHITE HOUSE.
ARE YOU WITH ME?
YES, YES, YES, YES!
TRUMP, TRUMP, TRUMP!
LET'S DO IT!
♪ SOMEBODY ONCE TOLD ME ♪
♪ THE WORLD IS GOING TO ROLL
ME ♪
♪ I AIN'T THE SHARPEST TOOL IN
THE SHED ♪
John: YEAH, HE GOT SMASH
MOUTHED!
AND WHILE THERE'S NEVER A GOOD
TIME TO PLAY THAT SONG, THE
FUNNIEST TIME FOR THE LYRIC "NOT
THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED"
IS IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING A
PRO-TRUMP SPEECH BY
A MAN WHO APPARENTLY SHOWED BOTH
HIS PLASTIC SURGEON AND HAIR
STYLIST A PHOTO OF
HOLLAND TAYLOR AND SAID, "THIS,
PLEASE."
NOW, GOING INTO THE WEEK, WE
WERE REPEATEDLY TOLD THAT-- IN
THE WAKE OF THE ASSASSINATION
ATTEMPT ON TRUMP-- WE SHOULD
EXPECT SOMETHING VERY DIFFERENT
FROM THIS CONVENTION.
TRUMP CLAIMS THE MOMENT HAS
NOW CHANGED HIM.
HE SAYS HE'LL ADOPT A DIFFERENT
TONE GOING FORWARD IN THIS
CAMPAIGN.
THIS IS GOING TO BE A
DIFFERENT TONE.
SPEAK OF THE ATTACK ON TRUMP HAS
CHANGE THE STORY LINE AND THE
TONE OF THE CONVENTION WITH THE
FORMER PRESIDENT CALLING FOR
UNITY.
John: YEAH, BUT THAT WAS
NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.
BECAUSE YOU EXPECT TO SEE
CERTAIN THINGS AT THE RNC--
ELEPHANT LOGOS,
COWBOY HATS, A MASSIVE SPIKE IN
GRINDR USAGE-- BUT
"A MESSAGE OF UNITY" IS NOT
SOMETHING TRADITIONALLY
ASSOCIATED WITH THAT EVENT OR
INDEED, THIS MAN.
AND UNSURPRISINGLY,
THE R-N-C WAS IN NO WAY TONED
DOWN.
THE DEMOCRATS' DISASTROUS
RECORD ON CRIME, TRADE, AND
REGULATION HAS RUINED THE LIVES
OF COUNTLESS MINNESOTANS.
THEY ARE AND DROP
DONATING THEM WITH POISONOUS
ATTITUDES OF RACE AND GENDER.
WE'VE BECOME TOTALLY UNHINGED
IF DONALD TRUMP IS NOT ELECTED
IN NOVEMBER.
[LAUGHTER]
John: OKAY.
THAT WAS ALL AWFUL, BUT THAT
LAST CAMERA CUT IS JUST
SPECTACULAR.
IF YOU'D ASKED ME,
"WHAT'S NEXT TO THIS GUY, JUST
OUT OF THE FRAME?" AND GAVE ME A
THOUSAND GUESSES, THERE IS NO
WAY I'M SAYING,
"A LUMPY BULLDOG LOUNGING IN AN
ARMCHAIR LIKE IT'S BEING
INTERVIEWED AT THE 92ND
STREET Y."
AND DON'T DRAG A
BULLDOG TO THE RNC.
LIFE'S HARD ENOUGH FOR THEM.
TO HAVE THE SOUL OF A WOLF
TRAPPED INSIDE THE BODY OF
WRINKLY BOWLING BALL?
TO BE INBRED OVER CENTURIES INTO
THE PERFECT GENETIC CAR CRASH?
THAT DOG DOESN'T DESERVE TO BE
MADE INTO A PROP AT THE RNC.
IT DESERVES A RAWHIDE BONE AND
AN APOLOGY FROM HUMANITY.
AND THAT WAS ALL BEFORE WE GOT
TO TRUMP'S BONKERS
90-MINUTE-PLUS
SPEECH ON THURSDAY, IN WHICH HE
INITIALLY PROMISED HE WAS
RUNNING TO BE "PRESIDENT OF ALL
OF AMERICA, NOT HALF OF
AMERICA", BUT QUICKLY WENT OFF
PROMPTER TO RANT ABOUT "CRAZY
NANCY PELOSI" AND THE "CHINA
VIRUS", AND REPEATEDLY SUGGEST
THE 2020 ELECTION WAS STOLEN.
BUT THE BIG THEME HE, AND SO
MANY OTHER SPEAKERS KEPT
RETURNING TO THIS WEEK WAS THIS:
WE HAVE TO STOP THE INVASION
INTO OUR COUNTRY THAT IS KILLING
HUNDREDS AND THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE
A YEAR.
BIDEN HAS WELCOMED INTO OUR
COUNTRY RAPISTS, MURDERERS, EVEN
TERRORISTS.
WE ARE FACING AN
UNPRECEDENTED INVASION OF
MILLIONS OF ILLEGAL ALIENS
ACROSS OUR SOUTHERN BORDER.
IT LOOKS LIKE AND IT FEELS
LIKE AN INVASION BECAUSE IT IS.
WE ARE FACING AN INVASION ON
OUR SOUTHERN BORDER.
NOT FIGURATIVELY.
A LITERAL INVASION.
John: I DO NOT LIKE THAT MAN
TED CRUZ.
I DO NOT LIKE HIS TOXIC VIEWS.
I DO NOT LIKE HIS NASTY
SPEECHES.
I DO NOT LIKE THE SHIT HE
PREACHES.
I DO NOT LIKE HIM
WHEN HE FISHES.
I DO NOT LIKE HIM
WHEN HE KISSES.
PULLING OFF THAT BEARD, HE
AIN'T.
THAT MAN TED CRUZ LOOKS LIKE A
TAINT.
AND I WILL SAY...
I KNOW THE REPUBLICAN PARTY GETS
A LOT OF SHIT FOR ONLY LANDING
D-LIST CELEBRITIES.
BUT I DO HAVE TO HAND IT TO
THEM, BOOKING THE ACTUAL PAIR
FROM THE AMERICAN GOTHIC
PAINTING WAS A PRETTY GOOD GET.
AND LOOK: IT'S NO ACCIDENT
REPUBLICANS WERE FOCUSING SO
HARD ON IMMIGRATION-- RECENT
POLLING SHOWS IT'S
THE SECOND MOST IMPORTANT ISSUE
AMONG AMERICANS.
BUT A BIG REASON FOR THAT IS THE
RELENTLESS, BAD-FAITH
FEARMONGERING AROUND THE ISSUE
BY THE REPUBLICAN PARTY ITSELF.
PERHAPS BEST SUMMED UP BY THE
STARTLING GROWTH THIS YEAR OF
THE TOXIC PHRASE "MIGRANT
CRIME".
STARTING IN LATE JANUARY, FOX
BEGAN USING IT A LOT, AND ALWAYS
TO BUILD A VERY SPECIFIC
NARRATIVE.
CONCERNS OF A MIGRANT CRIME
WAVE ARE GROWING ACROSS
NEW YORK CITY.
EVERY THIRD DAY THERE IS A
STORY OF SOME KIND OF MIGRANT
CRIME.
THERE IS A MIGRANT CRIME
SPREE KILLING THE AMERICANS AND
THE PRESIDENT IS AN ACCESSORY TO
MURDER.
John: YEAH.
OUT OF NOWHERE, THERE WAS A
SURGE IN TALK OF "MIGRANT
CRIME", WHICH WENT FROM
OCCASIONAL MENTIONS IN DECEMBER
AND JANUARY, TO OVER 300
MENTIONS IN FEBRUARY.
BASICALLY, "MIGRANT CRIME" IS A
PHRASE THAT SEEMED TO COME OUT
OF NOWHERE, AND THEN WAS
SUDDENLY ALL OVER THE PLACE,
LIKE "WHAT THE SIGMA" AND
"SKIBIDI TOILET".
AND BY THE WAY, THOSE ARE REAL
PHRASES USED BY THE YOUNGER
GENERATIONS.
OR, THEY WERE UNTIL I JUST
RUINED THEM BY HAVING THEM SLIDE
OUT OF MY OLD MOUTH.
AND AS USE OF THAT TERM
SKYROCKETED, THERE WAS A
CORRELATING SPIKE IN CONCERN
ABOUT IMMIGRATION,
WITH THE NUMBER OF AMERICANS WHO
VIEWED IT AS THEIR NUMBER ONE
ISSUE JUMPING 8 POINTS BETWEEN
JANUARY AND FEBRUARY.
BUT THIS WASN'T REFLECTING
ANYTHING HAPPENING IN THE REAL
WORLD, BECAUSE TO BE VERY CLEAR:
THERE IS NO "MIGRANT CRIME WAVE"
HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.
IN FACT, THERE'S NO CRIME WAVE
AT ALL.
CRIME IN GENERAL HAS BEEN
TRENDING DOWNWARD IN RECENT
YEARS, INCLUDING THIS ONE, WITH
MURDER, RAPE, ROBBERY, AND
PROPERTY CRIME ALL DECREASING,
EVEN AS TALK OF MIGRANTS
COMMITTING THOSE CRIMES
EXPLODED.
AS FOR "MIGRANT CRIME"
SPECIFICALLY, MOST STATES DON'T
EXPERTS WILL TELL YOU THERE'S NO
STATUS BETWEEN
STATUS AND
SPECIFICALLY, MOST STATES DON'T
TRACK CRIME DATA BY IMMIGRATION
STATUS.
BUT IN THE ONE STATE THAT DOES,
TEXAS, RESEARCHERS HAVE FOUND
"THE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT CRIMINAL
CONVICTION RATE IS ROUGHLY 45
PERCENT BELOW THAT OF
NATIVE-BORN AMERICANS.
AND YET, DESPITE THAT, THERE HAS
BEEN A WAVE OF CONSERVATIVES
CLAIMING THERE'S A WAVE OF
MIGRANT CRIME-- AND THAT WAVE
IS ALMOST DEFINITELY GOING TO BE
CONTINUING UNTIL NOVEMBER.
SO GIVEN THAT, TONIGHT, LET'S
TALK ABOUT MIGRANT CRIME.
AND LET'S START WITH WHERE
EXACTLY THE TERM CAME FROM.
BECAUSE IF YOU LISTEN TO TRUMP
WHICH OBVIOUSLY YOU SHOULDN'T
HE'LL SAY IT WAS ALL HIS
IDEA.
IT'S A NEW CATEGORY.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE HEARD
THIS BUT I CAME UP WITH THIS.
WHEN MIGRANT CRIME, CRIME,
VIOLENT CRIME, THERE IS MIGRANT
CRIME.
WE HAVE A NEW CATEGORY OF CRIME.
IT'S GOING TO BE WORSE THAN ANY
OTHER FORM OF CRIME.
John: OKAY.
OBVIOUSLY THAT'S NOT A NEW
CATEGORY OF CRIME, AND OBVIOUSLY
HE DIDN'T "INVENT" IT BECAUSE
YOU CAN'T INVENT PUTTING TWO
WORDS TOGETHER.
ALTHOUGH, I WILL SAY, HE "HAS"
TRIED TO INNOVATE THE PHRASE.
AT ONE POINT THIS YEAR, HE TOLD
AN AUDIENCE THAT
"IT SHOULD BE CALLED BIDEN
MIGRANT CRIME, BUT THAT'S TOO
LONG," WHICH IS TRUE.
LUCKILY, HE WORKSHOPPED A
SOLUTION TO THAT PROBLEM IN REAL
TIME:
BECAUSE JOE BIDEN ALLOW THIS
TO HAPPEN BUT WE WILL CALL IT
FOR NOW ON ""BIGRANT MIGRANT
CRIME."
OKAY, LET'S CALL IT BIGRANT
CRIME.
THAT'S GOOD.
IT'S SMART.
BIGRANT CRIME."
John: OKAY.
I'LL GIVE HIM THIS: HE DID
COIN THE TERM "BIGRANT CRIME."
YOU CAN HAVE THAT ONE, DONIEL.
IT'S THE STUPIDEST TERM I'VE
EVER HEARD, BUT IT'S ALL YOURS.
AND I LOVE THE FACT THAT HE
LITERALLY POINTED TO HIS HEAD
WHEN HE SAID "THAT'S SMART."
ALMOST LIKE HE WAS SAYING, "I
KNOW WHERE THOUGHTS COME FROM,
AND IT'S NOT HERE, OR
HERE, OR HERE-- IT'S
HERE.
THIS IS WHERE THE SMART COMES
FROM.
I CALL IT MY SMART LUMP, OR
"SMUMP".
I CAME UP WITH THAT ONE, TOO."
BUT IF YOU GO BACK AND ACTUALLY
LOOK, THE EVENT THAT PROMPTED
FIRST FOX, AND THEN TRUMP, TO
START PUSHING THE TERM "MIGRANT
CRIME" WAS A BRAWL THAT HAPPENED
ON JANUARY 27 OF THIS YEAR IN
TIMES SQUARE.
YOU MAY EVEN REMEMBER THE POLICE
RELEASED THIS 45-SECOND CLIP OF
OFFICERS IN A SCUFFLE WITH A
FIGHTING WITH A GROUP OF
MIGRANTS.
IT GOT A TON OF PLAY ON FOX,
WHERE ONE PARTICULAR DETAIL
ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED AFTERWARD
GOT EXTRA ATTENTION.
A GANG OF MIGRANTS BROKE INTO
THE COUNTRY, PUMMELED TWO NYPD
OFFICERS AND WHILE WALKING OUT
OF JAIL WITHOUT BAIL FLIPPED A
DOUBLE BIRD TO THE COUNTRY THAT
LET THEM IN.
THE TWO BIRDS HEARD AROUND THE
WORLD.
THE SYMBOL OF THE BIDEN
PRESIDENCY RIGHT THERE.
John: OKAY.
FOR THE RECORD: THE SYMBOL
FOR THE BIDEN PRESIDENCY IS
ABSOLUTELY NOT "TWO BIRDS."
AS WE ALL KNOW, IT'S A BUNCH OF
PISS-STAINED DEMOCRATS NERVOUSLY
GOOGLING "HOW OLD IS A PERSON
ALLOWED TO BE?"
BUT THAT IMAGE OF THE
GUY FLIPPING OFF THE CAMERA WAS
USED CONSTANTLY ON FOX FROM
FEBRUARY THROUGH EARLY MARCH.
IT WAS USED IN AT LEAST 66
SEGMENTS DURING THAT PERIOD,
WITH THE MAN'S FINGERS BLURRED
OUT, PRESUMABLY TO PROTECT THE
EYES OF THE INNOCENT CHILDREN
WHO ARE FORCED TO WATCH FOX NEWS
AT GRANDMA'S WHILE THEY EAT
THEIR "DINOSAURS LIVED WITH
HUMANS" NUGGETS.
FOX KEPT HAMMERING THEIR
COVERAGE OF THAT INCIDENT, WITH
PERHAPS THE APEX BEING
A SEGMENT WHERE SEAN HANNITY DID
AN INTERVIEW WITH CURTIS SLIWA,
THE HEAD OF THE VIGILANTE GROUP
THE GUARDIAN ANGELS, LIVE FROM
TIMES SQUARE.
DURING THE INTERVIEW,
SLIWA'S FELLOW ANGELS SUDDENLY
MOBILIZED TOWARD SOMETHING
OFF-CAMERA.
AND HE LATER EXPLAINED THEY'D
HAD TO GET PHYSICAL WITH A
MIGRANT WHOM THEY'D SEEN
COMMITTING A CRIME.
HAD BEEN SHOPLIFTING FIRST.
THE GUARDIAN ANGELS FOLLOWED
HIM, STOPPED HIM, HE RESISTED.
LET'S JUST SAY WE GAVE THEM A
LITTLE PAIN COMPLIANCE.
HIS MOTHER IN VENEZUELA FELT THE
VIBRATIONS BUT HE SUCKED IN
CONCRETE.
THE COPS SCRAPE THEM OFF THE
ASPHALT OR HE'S ON HIS WAY TO
JAIL FOR THEY'LL CUT HIM LOOSE.
WE'VE GOT TO TAKE 42ND STREET
BACK, THESE ILLEGALS, THEY OWN
THIS STREET.
THEY THINK THEY OWN THIS NIGHT.
THIS IS OUR COUNTRY.
IF THEY CANNOT ABIDE BY THE
RULES WE ARE GOING TO KICK THEM
BACK FROM WHERE THEY CAME
OKAY, FIRST: "RULE THE NIGHT"?
John: HOLD ON
FIRST: "RULE THE NIGHT"?
ON 42ND STREET?
I CALL BULLSHIT.
ANYONE WHO LIVES HERE KNOWS: THE
NIGHT THERE IS RULED BY
GROUPS OF 13 YEARS OLDS LEAVING
"ALADDIN" ON THEIR WAY TO THE
RED LOBSTER ONE BLOCK AWAY.
I'LL SAY THIS CLEARLY:
IMMMIGRANTS ARE "NOT" INVADING
OUR COUNTRY, AND THEY ARE "NOT"
TAKING OVER
42ND STREET.
BUT IF THEY ARE, THEY CAN
FUCKING HAVE IT.
BUT THERE'S A FEW OTHER THINGS
THAT FEEL IMPORTANT TO MENTION.
FIRST, YOU CAN'T JUST BEAT
SOMEONE UP IF YOU THINK THEY'RE
COMMITTING A CRIME.
AND SECOND, YOU SHOULD NEVER GO
OUT IN PUBLIC DRESSED LIKE THAT.
HE LOOKS LIKE ALAN ARKIN PLAYING
ONE OF THE "ANGRY BIRDS".
HE LOOKS LIKE A DIVORCED
STRAWBERRY.
HE LOOKS LIKE IF THE GI JOES HAD
AN OFF HOURS BOWLING TEAM.
BUT IT GETS WORSE.
BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT, THE MAN
THEY'D BEATEN UP
WASN'T ACTUALLY A MIGRANT AT
ALL, AND THERE WAS "NO
EVIDENCE TO SUPPORT THE
ALLEGATION HE WAS SHOPLIFTING."
IT SEEMS LIKE WHAT ACTUALLY
HAPPENED IS THAT SLIWA'S GOONS
APPREHENDED A GUY FOR
"ALLEGEDLY ATTEMPTING TO DISRUPT
A LIVE INTERVIEW," WHICH IS NOT
A CRIME, AND ALSO NOT WHAT HE
DID, SINCE SURVEILLANCE FOOTAGE
APPARENTLY SHOWS
"HE WAS JUST TRYING TO MANEUVER
THROUGH THE CROWD WHEN THE
VIGILANTES CONFRONTED HIM."
BUT SLIWA SAID HE BELIEVED THE
MAN WAS A MIGRANT BECAUSE HE WAS
SPEAKING SPANISH, SOMETHING THAT
COULD BE SAID ABOUT ROUGHLY 25
PERCENT OF THE CITY.
INCLUDING, BY THE WAY, ME:
QUÉ VAS A HACER, CURTIS SLIWA?
SOY INMIGRANTE Y ESTOY HABLANDO
ESPAÑOL.
ME VAS A MANDAR TUS PENDEJOS,
HIJO DE PUTA?
TU GORRA ES DEMASIADO ESTÚPIDA Y
TU CARA TAMBIÉN.
ERES UNA MIERDA Y NO CREO QUE TU
MAMÁ ESTÉ ORGULLOSA DE TI.
AND IT TURNS OUT, EVEN THE
"FACTS" OF THE ORIGINAL
TIMES SQUARE INCIDENT THAT
STARTED ALL THIS FELL APART IN
SIMILAR FASHION.
BECAUSE WHEN MORE CAMERA FOOTAGE
CAME OUT, IT REVEALED WHAT HAD
THE GUN AND MADE THE NYPD LOOK
LESS LIKE UNWITTING VICTIMS AND
MORE LIKE THE INSTIGATORS.
NYPD BODY CAM VIDEO TAKES US
INSIDE THE TIMES SQUARE BRAWL
THAT MADE NATIONAL HEADLINES.
THAT AND NEW SURVEILLANCE VIDEO
POLICE RELEASED RAISING MORE
QUESTIONS TONIGHT WHETHER THE
JANUARY ALTERCATION SHOULD'VE
HAPPENED AT ALL.
THE TWO OFFICERS APPROACHED THE
GROUP OF MEN.
THE CROWD WAS GIVEN DIRECTION
TO PLEASE DISPERSE THAT THEY ARE
BLOCKING THE SIDEWALK.
THE VIDEO DOESN'T SUPPORT
THAT AS PEOPLE ARE SEEN WALKING
BY.
MOST OF THE GROUP IMMEDIATELY
MOVES BUT
LAST TO LEAVE TELLING POLICE,
DON'T TOUCH ME.
WHEN HE STARTS TO FINALLY OBEY
THE OFFICERS' OFFICER IS PUSHING
THE STROLLER AWAY...
THE GROUP BEGINS SINGING A
DEROGATORY SONG.
AND THEN THIS.
IMMEDIATELY AFTER BUY RUTO YELLS
"LOOKS LIKE A UGLY BETTY"...
John: IF YOU WATCH THE WIDE
SHOT IT BECOMES CLEAR WHAT'S AT
THIS CLOTH IS ONE COP CHOOSING
TO PUSH THAT GUY UP AGAINST THE
WALL AFTER THE OTHER GOT CALLED
UGLY BETTY.
AND FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH:
THIS IS WHAT THE COP LOOKED
LIKE, AND IF YOU'RE THINKING,
"WELL, HE ONLY
KIND OF LOOKS LIKE UGLY BETTY,"
LET ME REMIND YOU-- IN LATIN
AMERICA, UGLY BETTY LOOKS LIKE
THIS, AND THAT IS A FAIR HIT.
AND VIOLENCE IS NOT AN
ACCEPTABLE RESPONSE TO SOMEONE
BEING INSULTED THAT CORRECTLY.
YOU THINK THERE HAVEN'T BEEN
MOMENTS WHEN I HAVEN'T WANTED TO
THROW SOMEONE AGAINST A WALL
BECAUSE THEY CALLED ME "WORST
SHELDON" OR "A LESS SEXUAL
SCREECH" OR "WHAT WOULD HAPPEN
IF THE RAT AND THE CHEF FROM
"RATATOUILLE" FUCKED?"
SURE, IT HURTS MY FEELINGS, MOM,
BUT IT'S ALSO FAIR, AND IT
DOESN'T JUSTIFY VIOLENCE.
BUT WAIT-- BECAUSE THERE'S ONE
MORE TWIST HERE.
REMEMBER THE GUY FLIPPING THE
DOUBLE-BIRDS WHO WAS ON FOX NEWS
AT LEAST 66 TIMES?
THE SYMBOL OF BIGRANT CRIME?
FUNNY STORY:
THE MANHATTAN D.A. ENDED UP
DISMISSING THE CHARGES AGAINST
HIM BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT HE HAD
NOTHING TO DO WITH THE INCIDENT.
HE WASN'T EVEN THERE!
THE NYPD APPARENTLY MISTOOK HIM
FOR A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT
PERSON FOR A MYSTERY REASON THAT
I'M SURE WASN'T RACIST AT ALL.
SO HE WAS ARRESTED FOR SOMETHING
HE DIDN'T DO, SPENT TWO NIGHTS
IN JAIL, AND THEN HAD CAMERAS
SHOVED IN HIS FACE.
I PERSONALLY CANNOT THINK OF A
SCENARIO IN WHICH FLIPPING TWO
MIDDLE FINGERS IS MORE
APPROPRIATE.
HONESTLY, IF HE COULD'VE GROWN
ANOTHER HAND IN THAT MOMENT, I
WOULDN'T HAVE BLAMED HIM FOR
THROWING UP A THIRD BIRD FOR
GOOD MEASURE.
BUT THE FACTS THAT CAME OUT
AFTERWARDS DIDN'T REALLY MATTER,
BECAUSE BY THEN, "MIGRANT CRIME"
WAS ALREADY OUT THERE AS A
PHRASE, AND EVER SINCE, FOX AND
REPUBLICANS HAVE BEEN HAMMERING
THE IDEA THAT MIGRANTS ARE
DANGEROUS.
AND BECAUSE-- AGAIN-- THERE'S
NO DATA TO BACK UP CLAIMS OF A
"MIGRANT CRIME WAVE", THEY'VE
INSTEAD HAD TO RESORT TO
ANECDOTES OR EXAGGERATION.
FOR INSTANCE, THE
REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE
MADE A WEBSITE TRACKING ALLEGED
EXAMPLES OF MIGRANT CRIME,
CALLED BIDEN BLOODBATH DOT COM.
IF YOU GO TO IT, YOU'LL FIND
THE NAMES OF 13 DIFFERENT
STATES, WHICH YOU CAN CLICK ON
TO FIND EVIDENCE OF SO-CALLED
MIGRANT CRIME THERE.
BUT FOR FOUR OF THOSE STATES,
WHEN YOU CLICK THROUGH, YOU'LL
FIND ALL THEY'RE ABLE TO CITE IS
THOSE STATES' OVERALL RATES OF
FENTANYL DEATHS.
AND LOOK, THOSE DEATHS WERE
TRAGIC.
BUT YOU CAN'T CONNECT THEM TO
"MIGRANT CRIME", GIVEN THAT--
TO THE EXTENT FENTANYL HAS BEEN
SEIZED AT THE BORDER--
90% OF THE TIME IT WAS SEIZED
DURING LEGAL CROSSINGS,
AND 91% OF THOSE SEIZURES WERE
FROM U.S. CITIZENS.
WHICH, OF COURSE THEY WERE.
IF YOU WANT TO MOVE DRUGS ON THE
BORDER, YOU'RE GOING TO DO IT
WITH AMERICAN CITIZENS, BECAUSE
THEY ATTRACT LESS ATTENTION FROM
AUTHORITIES.
I'M NOT TELLING YOU HOW TO MOVE
DRUGS, BUT IF YOU'RE GOING TO,
THAT'S THE ONLY SMART WAY TO DO
IT.
I HAVE JUST TOLD YOU HOW TO MOVE
DRUGS.
AND AS FOR PEOPLE CROSSING
ILLEGALLY,
JUST POINT ZERO ZERO NINE
PERCENT OF PEOPLE ARRESTED BY
BORDER PATROL LAST YEAR WERE
FOUND TO POSSESS ANY FENTANYL
WHATSOEVER.
SO, I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING
THIS, BUT I DON'T KNOW IF
BIDEN BLOODBATH DOT COM IS THE
RELIABLE SOURCE OF NEWS AND
INFORMATION THAT WE ALL THOUGHT
IT WAS.
AND LOOK: I'M NOT SAYING THAT
THERE HAVEN'T BEEN INDIVIDUAL
MIGRANTS WHO'VE COMMITTED
CRIMES.
OF COURSE THERE HAVE.
BECAUSE MIGRANTS ARE PEOPLE, AND
SOME PEOPLE DO BAD THINGS.
IN THE SAME WAY SOME
ABBA FANS, AND SOME PEOPLE WITH
SPONGEBOB TATTOOS HAVE COMMITTED
CRIMES.
AND IF IT SO HAPPENS THAT
THERE'S SOMEONE OUT THERE WHO IS
A MIGRANT ABBA FAN WITH
SPONGEBOB TATTOOS, THE ONLY
THING THEY'RE LIKELY TO BE
GUILTY OF IS BEING UTTERLY
FASCINATING HUMAN BEING.
WHAT'S YOUR STORY, DUDE?
I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS ABOUT
WHAT BROUGHT YOU TO THIS POINT.
THE THING IS, IF YOU WANT TO
PREVENT CRIME AND DEATH, THAT'S
A GREAT IDEA, AND THERE ARE
ABSOLUTELY WAYS TO DO THAT.
BUT WHEN YOU DRAW A CIRCLE
AROUND A FEW MEMBERS OF A
PARTICULAR GROUP-- ESPECIALLY
ONE IDENTIFIABLE BY RACE OR
NATIONALITY-- THEN GENERALIZE
ABOUT WHAT THIS MEANS ABOUT ALL
OF THEM, NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY,
YOU'RE NOT HAVING A REASONED
DEBATE ABOUT CRIME OR SAFETY.
YOU'RE BEING RACIST.
AND THE DEPRESSING THING IS, ALL
THIS FEARMONGERING HAS BEEN
EFFECTIVE.
OVER 70 PERCENT OF REPUBLICANS
NOW BELIEVE THERE IS A HIGHER
RISK OF PEOPLE ILLEGALLY COMING
TO THE U.S. AND COMMITTING
CRIMES.
SOMETHING WHICH AGAIN IS
DEMONSTRABLY AND PROVABLY FALSE.
AS WE KNOW, IMMIGRANTS AREN'T
CAUSING MORE CRIME IN THIS
COUNTRY.
IF THEY'RE LEADING TO MORE OF
ANYTHING, IT'S MORE GOOD FOOD
AND MORE PEOPLE WHO CAN'T
BELIEVE HOW MEAN WE ARE TO OUR
MOMS.
AND WHAT'S DOUBLY INFURIATING IS
THAT TOO MANY DEMOCRATS HAVE
BEEN WILLING TO GO ALONG WITH
THIS FALSE NARRATIVE.
BIDEN HAS REPEATEDLY BEEN
PRESSURED INTO IMPOSING STRICTER
IMMIGRATION RESTRICTIONS-- MOST
RECENTLY IN JUNE, WHEN HE
IMPOSED SWEEPING NEW ASYLUM
RESTRICTIONS FOR THE U.S.-MEXICO
BORDER.
EARLIER THIS YEAR, HE ACTUALLY
PUSHED FOR AN EVEN TOUGHER
IMMIGRATION BILL, WHICH TRUMP
EXPLICITLY TOLD REPUBLICANS NOT
TO SUPPORT,
"ARGUING IT WOULD GIVE THE
DEMOCRATS A POLITICAL VICTORY"
SUGGESTING NONE OF THIS IS
ABOUT SAFETY AT ALL, IT'S
ENTIRELY SELF-SERVING.
AND THAT ABSURD TIMES SQUARE
INCIDENT THAT
SUPERCHARGED THIS "MIGRANT
CRIME" PANIC ENDED UP PUSHING
SOME DEMOCRATIC LEADERS INTO
STUPID PUBLIC STATEMENTS, LIKE
THIS ONE, FROM
GOVERNOR KATHY HOCHUL, WHO HAD
THIS TO SAY ABOUT THE MIGRANTS
WHO'D BEEN BLAMED.
GET THEM ALL SENT BACK.
DON'T TOUCH ANYONE.
John: THAT'S TRUE
YEAH, IT'S TRUE-- YOU DON'T
TOUCH ANYONE IN NEW YORK CITY.
UNLESS, IT SEEMS, SOMEONE
CALLS YOUR FRIEND UGLY BETTY, OR
YOU HAPPEN TO BE
DRESSED AS A PARISIAN TOMATO AND
HEAR SOMEONE SPEAKING SPANISH,
IN WHICH CASE, ALL BETS ARE OFF.
AND THE THING IS, EVEN AFTER SO
MUCH OF THAT TIMES SQUARE STORY
UNRAVELED, SOME OF THE PEOPLE
CAUGHT UP IN IT HAVE CONTINUED
TO PAY A SIGNIFICANT PRICE.
TWO OF THE PEOPLE WHO WERE
THERE, NEITHER OF WHOM WERE
ACCUSED OF TOUCHING THE OFFICERS
WERE DETAINED FOR MONTHS ON
RIKERS ISLAND.
AND ONE'S STILL THERE.
LOOK: MIGRANT CRIME IS NOT ON
THE RISE.
THAT'S A FACT.
WHAT'S ALSO A FACT IS THAT
PEOPLE NOW FEEL THAT IT IS.
AND THAT FEELING HAS THE
POTENTIAL TO CAUSE MASSIVE HARM.
AND ALL OF THIS IS MAKING
SOLVING THE GENUINE ISSUES
AROUND IMMIGRATION-- LIKE
DEALING WITH THE MASSIVE BACKLOG
IN OUR IMMIGRATION COURTS, AND
PROVIDING CITIES HELP IN
SHELTERING AND SUPPORTING
MIGRANTS AWAITING ASYLUM
HEARINGS-- THAT MUCH HARDER.
SO, WHAT CAN WE DO?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU
NOTICED, BUT WE'RE CURRENTLY
FOUR MONTHS OUT FROM AN
ELECTION, SO JUST ASSUME THAT
THE UNDERLYING "WHAT CAN WE DO"
FOR MOST OF OUR U.S. STORIES
FROM NOW UNTIL THEN IS GOING TO
BE "DO NOT VOTE FORDONALD
AGAIN, THAT SEEMS LIKE THAT
SHOULD BE BARELY WORTH SAYING
LIKE
"DRINK WATER" OR
"GO TO THE DENTIST" BUT IT DOES
BEAR REPEATING BECAUSE ... BE
HONEST: WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME
YOU
DRANK WATER? OR, INDEED, WENT TO
THE
DENTIST?
EXACTLY.
AND I'M NOT SAYING BY ANY MEANS
THAT BIDEN IS PERFECT, OR EVEN
GOOD WHEN IT COMES TO
IMMIGRATION.
BUT HE-- OR WHOEVER WINDS UP
BEING THE DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE,
BECAUSE WHO ON EARTH KNOWS
ANYTHING ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW?
IS GOING TO BE INCONTROVERTIBLY
BETTER THAN THE ALTERNATIVE.
AND I KNOW THIS HAS BEEN A BLEAK
FEW WEEKS.
AND IT'S BEEN INCREDIBLY
DEPRESSING TO SEE REPORTS OF
ANONYMOUS DEMOCRATIC LEADERS
SAYING THINGS LIKE,
"WE'VE ALL RESIGNED OURSELVES TO
A SECOND TRUMP PRESIDENCY."
BECAUSE FRANKLY, FUCK THAT.
THERE'S JUST TOO MUCH ON THE
LINE HERE TO GIVE UP.
TRUMP AND THE BIGOTS AROUND HIM
PLAN TO USE HIS VICTORY TO MAKE
IMMIGRANTS' LIVES ABSOLUTE HELL.
AND HE'S NOT EXACTLY HIDING IT.
THEY ARE SENDING THEIR
MURDERERS TO THE UNITED STATES
OF AMERICA.
THIS IS GOING TO BE VERY BAD.
AND BAD THINGS ARE GOING TO
HAPPEN AND YOU'RE SEEING IT
HAPPEN ALL THE TIME.
THAT'S WHY TO KEEP OUR FAMILIES
SAFE THE REPUBLICAN PLATFORM
PROMISES TO LAUNCH THE LARGEST
DEPORTATION OPERATION IN THE
HISTORY OF OUR COUNTRY.
John: YEAH.
HE'S SAYING IT ALL OUT
LOUD THERE, TO ENTHUSIASTIC
CHEERS FROM A CROWD, SOME OF
WHOM HAVE
CHEESE ON THEIR HEADS.
AND HE'S NOT MAKING THAT UP--
THAT'S THE REPUBLICAN PARTY'S
OFFICIAL POSITION.
THEIR NEW PLATFORM CALLS FOR
THE LARGEST DEPORTATION
OPERATION IN AMERICAN HISTORY.
THEY EVEN
MADE OFFICIAL SIGNS FOR PEOPLE
TO WAVE, READING "MASS
DEPORTATION NOW".
AND EVEN IF COURTS SLOW THAT
ATTEMPT DOWN-- WHICH IS BY NO
MEANS A GUARANTEE--
PROJECT 2025 OFFERS THEM LOTS OF
OTHER BUREAUCRATIC WAYS TO HURT
IMMIGRANTS, FROM
TERMINATING THE LEGAL STATUS OF
HALF A MILLION DREAMERS
BY ELIMINATING STAFF TIME TO
REVIEW AND PROCESS THEIR RENEWAL
APPLICATIONS, TO
BARRING U-S CITIZENS FROM
QUALIFYING FOR FEDERAL HOUSING
SUBSIDIES
IF THEY LIVE WITH ANYONE WHO'S
NOT A U.S. CITIZEN OR LEGAL
PERMANENT RESIDENT.
THOSE PLANS ARE OUTRAGEOUS, AND
IF TRUMP WINS, THEY COULD BE
PUBLIC POLICY.
AND DEMOCRATIC LEADERS CANNOT
SIT BACK AND RESIGN THEMSELVES
TO THAT.
THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS WE, AS
AMERICANS, DO HAVE TO RESIGN
OURSELVES TO:
AIRLINE CANCELLATIONS,
A NATIONAL ANTHEM WITH TOO MANY
HIGH NOTES,
GLEN POWELL INEVITABLY STARRING
IN "A FIELD OF DREAMS" REMAKE.
WE CAN'T FIGHT THOSE THINGS.
BUT WE CAN, AND MUST FIGHT THIS.
AND AT THE END OF THIS WEEK, IT
SHOULD BE CLEAR TO ABSOLUTELY
EVERYONE: IT DOESN'T MATTER IF
TRUMP AND HIS PARTY SAY THEY
HAVE A "NEW TONE" OR NOMINALLY
CALL FOR "UNITY", OR THROW A
CUTE DOG ONSTAGE FOR SOME
REASON.
THEY HAVE TOLD US WHO THEY ARE,
THEY'VE TOLD US WHAT THEY WANT,
THEY LITERALLY PUT IT ON A
SIGN AND WAVED IT IN EVERYONE'S
FACE.
THEY'RE TRYING TO WIN THIS
ELECTION BY POINTING A FINGER AT
IMMIGRANTS, AND THE ONLY
APPROPRIATE RESPONSE IS TO TAKE
A CUE FROM THE SO-CALLED "SYMBOL
OF THE BIDEN PRESIDENCY" AND
SAY FUCK THAT SHIT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND NOW, THIS.
AND NOW A FEW MORE HIGHLIGHTS
FROM THE REPUBLICAN NATIONAL
CONVENTION.
YOU DIDN'T REALLY EXPECT
THAT, DID YOU?
WE WERE AT MAR-A-LAGO AND
SOMEONE CAME UP TO HIM AND SAID,
MR. TRUMP, ROD STEWART JUST
WALKED IN BUT HE SAID, I DON'T
CARE.
THIS IS BEN CARSON.
DONALD TRUMP, 21 CLUB
CHAMPIONSHIPS.
JOE BIDEN, 0.
YOU WANT TO BE A REBEL?
YOU WANT TO BE A HIPPIE?
YOU WANT TO STICK IT TO THE MAN?
SHOW UP ON YOUR COLLEGE CAMPUS
AND TRY CALLING YOURSELF A
CONSERVATIVE.
I SOON WENT FROM MAKING
WAFFLES TO MAKING HISTORY.
THE ONLY SPEECH OR POEM OR
SONG I MADE MY KIDS MEMORIZE
WHEN THEY WERE YOUNG, WHEN THEY
WERE A LITTLE, IT WAS THE
GETTYSBURG ADDRESS.
YOU'LL NEVER HEAR ME SAY I'M
ON GOD'S SIDE OR GOD IS WITH ME
OR EVEN I'M WITH GOD.
THIS MORNING I DID WALK OUT
OF FEDERAL PRISON.
I HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED MY HOT
FLASHES.
JUST WAIT.
♪ NO ROGAINE IN THE
PROPANE ♪
THIS IS OUR MISSION TO MAKE
AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!
I WAS BLEEDING LIKE A PIG AND
I WON THE WORLD TITLE RIGHT IN
FRONT OF DONALD J. TRUMP.
THANK YOU, KID ROCK.
SOMETIMES REFERRED TO AS BOB.
♪ SAY FIGHT ♪
♪ SAY TRUMP ♪
John: MOVING ON.
FINALLY TONIGHT, A QUICK WORD
ABOUT SPORTS.
EVERYONE LOVES THE BIG, POPULAR
SPORTS IN THIS COUNTRY, LIKE
"REAL FOOTBALL,"
"FAKE FOOTBALL,"
"PING PONG, BUT BIG",
"LET'S SEE HOW QUICKLY WE NEED
AN AMBULANCE",
"WAITING FOR SOMETHING TO HAPPEN
WHILE STANDING PATIENTLY IN A
FIELD", AND, OF COURSE,
PICKLEBALL, "THE THING THAT
KEEPS WHITE SUBURBAN MOMS OFF
Q-ANON SUBREDDITS."
AS YOU PROBABLY KNOW,
THE SUMMER OLYMPICS OPEN IN
PARIS ON FRIDAY, AND WHILE
THEY'RE ABOUT TO GET A TON OF
ATTENTION, I'D LIKE TO FOCUS ON
A DIFFERENT INTERNATIONAL
SPORTING EVENT THAT'S ACTUALLY
COMING UP A YEAR FROM NOW:
THE WORLD GAMES.
I WILL LET CBS NEWS EXPLAIN WHAT
THEY ARE.
YOU MAY NOT HAVE HEARD OF THE
WORLD GAMES BUT THEY'VE BEEN
HELD FOR NEARLY 40 YEARS.
34 SPORTS, MOST YOU ARE
PROBABLY SEEING FOR THE FIRST
TIME.
SWIMMING BUT WITH FINS.
SPEED SKATING USING IN-LINE
SKATES.
AND DRONE RACING THROUGH GATES
AROUND OBSTACLES AGAINST THE
CLOCK.
THEY ARE THE EMERGING SPORTS.
THESE ARE THE FASTING GROWING
SPORTS UNDER THE OLYMPIC
MOVEMENT AND THIS IS THEIR
PROVING GROUND.
THESE BOARDS ARE AUDITIONING
FOR A SPOT ON THE OLYMPICS?
THIS IS THEIR AUDITION TO BE
ON THE SUMMER OLYMPIC PLATFORM.
John: YES.
THE WORLD GAMES FEATURES A WIDE
ARRAY OF UNCONVENTIONAL SPORTS
FROM DRONE RACING, TO
ANGRY KAYAK TRAFFIC JAMS, TO
SWIMMING WHILE DRESSED IN WHAT I
CAN ONLY DESCRIBE AS FISH DRAG.
IF THE REGULAR OLYMPICS ARE
DISNEY WORLD, THINK OF THE WORLD
GAMES AS AN
ALLEYWAY NEAR TIMES SQUARE
FILLED WITH FOUR ANGRY OLAFS.
BY THE WAY, I'M NOT SAYING THAT
AS A BAD THING.
THE WORLD GAMES ARE AMAZING.
THEY STARTED IN 1981, AND HAVE
TRADITIONALLY INVOLVED SOME
SPORTS SO OBSCURE, EVEN
ANNOUNCERS DURING THE OPENING
CEREMONIES HAVE HAD TO EXPLAIN
WHAT THEY ARE, AS THEY DID AT
THE 1997 GAMES IN FINLAND:
FLOORBALL ACROSS BETWEEN
FIELD HOCKEY, BASED ON MODERN
ATTACKS WITH A MILITARY FIELD.
GRENADE THROWING IS ONE OF THE
ELEMENTS.
A FINISHED GAME BASED ON
BASEBALL.
John: I'M SORRY.
DID HE JUST SAY "GRENADE
THROWING"?
HE'S NOT ACTUALLY KIDDING ABOUT
THAT.
THERE'S A GRENADE-THROWING
COMPONENT TO THE MILITARY
PENTATHLON, WHICH SOUNDS COOL
UNTIL YOU SEE IT IN ACTION, AND
REALIZE, DISAPPOINTINGLY,
THEY'RE NOT USING LIVE GRENADES,
AND NOTHING'S EXPLODING.
SO HONESTLY, THEY COULD BE
THROWING ANY ROUND OBJECT THAT
WEIGHS ABOUT A POUND.
THEY COULD BE
TOSSING GUINEA PIGS AND IT WOULD
ESSENTIALLY BE THE SAME EVENT.
NOW, TO BE FAIR, SOME SPORTS ARE
MORE FAMILIAR, LIKE
TUG-OF-WAR, OR SELF-EXPLANATORY,
LIKE SPORT CLIMBING.
FUN FACT: ONE OF THAT SPORT'S
STARS IS ADAM ONDRA, A CZECH
CLIMBER WHO WON THE
WORLD GAMES ATHLETE OF THE YEAR
AWARD IN 2014, AND WHO'S BEEN
DESCRIBED AS "A BIT OF YELLER"
BECAUSE HE'S KNOWN FOR GETTING
HIS VOCAL CORDS INVOLVED WHEN HE
CLIMBS,
LIKE THIS:
[YELLING]
John: HOLY SHIT!
THAT SOUNDS LESS LIKE SOMEONE
CLIMBING ROCKS, AND MORE LIKE
JIM CRAMER REACHING A SEXUAL
CLIMAX.
OTHER SPORTS ARE A TWIST ON
FAMILIAR EVENTS, LIKE
ARTISTIC ROLLER SKATING--
BASICALLY, FIGURE SKATING ON
ROLLER SKATES, WHILE WEARING
OUTFITS THAT ASK THE QUESTION:
"WHAT IF IRON MAN SHARED BOB
MACKIE'S PASSION FOR SEQUINS?"
BUT OTHERS ARE LESS FLASHY, LIKE
ORIENTEERING, WHERE YOU
ESSENTIALLY JOG THROUGH THE
WOODS TO FIND CHECKPOINTS USING
A MAP AND A COMPASS.
IT'S A SPORT DESCRIBED BY A
FORMER MEMBER OF THE US
NATIONAL TEAM LIKE THIS:
THERE'S WEIGHTS IN THE WOOD
WITH AN ELECTRONIC BEEPER AT THE
TOP.
EACH CONTROL YOU PUNCH IN AND IT
GOES BEEP.
IT'S 3 KILOMETERS LONG.
COULD TAKE YOU 20 MINUTES.
IT APPEALS TO A CERTAIN TYPE OF
PERSON.
I CALL THEM YOUNG NERDS.
John: YEAH.
THAT MAKES SENSE.
TO BE GOOD AT ORIENTEERING, YOU
HAVE TO BE YOUNG ENOUGH TO RUN
THROUGH THE WOODS WITHOUT
HURTING YOURSELF, AND NERDY
ENOUGH TO BE GOOD AT USING PAPER
MAPS IN THE PRESENT DAY-- A
TIME WHEN, IF YOU GOOGLE
"WHERE CAN I BUY A PAPER MAP?"
IT JUST REPLIES,
"WHY?"
AND IF YOU'RE ONLY INTERESTED IN
WATCHING A BUNCH OF PEOPLE
FIGHTING OVER A BALL, THE WORLD
GAMES HAS YOU COVERED THERE, TOO
THERE'S FISTBALL, WHICH IS LIKE
VOLLEYBALL, BUT ANGRIER;
FLOORBALL, WHICH IS LIKE HOCKEY,
BUT LESS ANGRY; AND
KORFBALL-- A MIXED-GENDER
BASKETBALL-ADJACENT SPORT.
THERE ARE ALSO
WATER-BASED COMPETITIONS, LIKE
LIFESAVING, WHICH INCLUDES AN
ELEMENT CALLED "MANIKIN CARRY"
WHERE SWIMMERS RESCUE A
WATER-LOGGED DUMMY AND
SCHLEP IT TO SAFETY; AND
TRICK WATERSKIING, WHICH,
FRANKLY, JUST LOOKS LIKE JESUS
SHOWING OFF.
AND FINALLY, THERE ARE
AIR SPORTS, LIKE SKYDIVING,
EITHER SOLO OR IN A GROUP, AND
PARAMOTORING WHICH IS WHERE YOU
MOUNT A PROPELLER ONTO YOUR BODY
WITH A HARNESS AND TRY NOT TO
DIE.
AND I'M SORRY BUT EVEN BOEING'S
LOOKING AT THAT AND THINKING:
"I DUNNO, THAT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE
A SAFE AIRCRAFT".
FUN FACT: IF YOU GOOGLE
PARAMOTORING, ONE OF THE FIRST
RESULTS YOU GET IS, AND THIS IS
TRUE, A WEBSITE FOR INJURY
ATTORNEYS.
BUT IT'S NOT JUST THE WORLD
GAMES EVENTS THAT CAN BE
MAGNIFICENTLY WEIRD.
IT'S ALSO THE PAGEANTRY AROUND
THEM.
BECAUSE WHILE THE OLYMPICS IS
LIKELY TO BE LAUDED FOR ITS
OPENING CEREMONY ON
FRIDAY, I GUARANTEE YOU PARIS
WON'T BE ABLE TO PRODUCE
ANYTHING AS UNFORGETTABLY WEIRD
AS THIS MOMENT FROM THE CLOSING
CEREMONY OF THE '93 WORLD GAMES
IN THE HAGUE, FEATURING A FROG
CHARACTER THAT'S BOTH LACKLUSTER
AND SOMEHOW, WILDLY CULTURALLY
INSENSITIVE.
THE FROG GOES ON A JOURNEY.
WORLD GAMES 1993 IN THE HAGAR
OVER AND DONE WITH.
SOUTH AFRICA IS THE NEXT SPOT,
1997.
♪ ♪
John: OKAY.
I DON'T USUALLY DO THIS
BUT I WANT YOU TO PAUSE THIS
RIGHT NOW, AND WRITE DOWN WHAT
YOU THINK YOU JUST SAW.
I DON'T WANT TO DO IT FOR YOU,
JUST WRITE DOWN WHAT YOU FEEL
YOU JUST WITNESSED.
THEN COME BACK AND I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT I THINK.
OKAY, YOU BACK?
HERE IS WHAT I THINK THAT WAS.
SOMEONE IN NOT NOT BLACK FACE
DRESSED LIKE EMINEM FROM 2008 OR
JUSTIN BIEBER FROM 2019 IS BEING
SEALED BACK UP INTO WHAT WAS A
LILYPAD-LIKE PLATFORM AND HAS
NOW TAKEN THE SHAPE OF A GEORGIA
O'KEEFE VAGINA FLOWER COSPLAYING
AUDREY II FROM LITTLE SHOP OF
HORRORS.
AUDREY THE CLIT IS THEN WHEELED
ON WHAT IS PROBABLY ONE OF THOSE
LITTLE SCOOTERS FROM GYM CLASS
INTO A COVEN OF SEWN IN GHOSTS
IN THEIR LAIR OF
WHAT LOOKS LIKE A GOSSAMER
PLACENTA, ALL
WHILE TWO 50'S BELLHOPS AND/OR
POLAR EXPRESS CONDUCTORS WAVE A
STOIC GOODBYE.
THAT'S WHAT I GOT FROM THAT.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU HAD, BUT
THERE ARE NO WRONG ANSWERS.
WHEN IT COMES TO THAT SHIFT...
NEXT YEAR'S WORLD GAMES WILL
APPARENTLY BE IN
CHENGDU, CHINA AND THEY'VE
ALREADY BEEN PROMOTING IT WITH A
PANDA NAMED "MR. PANDA" WHO'S
BEEN FILMED ENJOYING ACTIVITIES
LIKE PLAYING TUG OF WAR,
HUGGING PEOPLE ON MASS TRANSIT,
AND SEEMING TO BEAT THE
EVER-LIVING SHIT OUT OF SOMEONE.
AND YOU MIGHT BE THINKING: "WHY
ARE YOU TELLING ME ABOUT ANY OF
THIS RIGHT NOW?"
WELL, FIRST: I DUNNO.
THE WORLD'S A PRETTY SHITTY
PLACE RIGHT NOW, DO YOU NOT WANT
TO BE TOLD ABOUT MR. PANDA?
WOULD YOU RATHER TALK ABOUT HOW
SOMEONE MANAGED TO GET A
SEMIAUTOMATIC RIFLE PAST THE
SECRET SERVICE?
OR ARE WE ALLOWED TO HAVE SOME
FUCKING FUN FOR A SECOND?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
PLEASE LET ME HAVE THIS!
BUT ALSO THAT'S NOT THE ONLY
REASON.
BECAUSE IT ALSO TURNS OUT, THE
WORLD GAMES WEBSITE INCLUDES
A SUGGESTION BOX, WHERE FANS ARE
ABLE TO "SUBMIT YOUR IDEA" FOR
LITERALLY ANYTHING.
THAT'S RIGHT: THEY TAKE
REQUESTS!
AND WHILE THEY APPARENTLY
ALREADY HAVE A LIST OF SPORTS
FOR NEXT YEAR, I'M HOPING IF WE
ENGAGE NOW, WE CAN PERSUADE THEM
TO ADD ANOTHER.
BECAUSE WHILE I LOVE EVERY
BATSHIT EVENT YOU'VE SEEN SO
FAR, I DO THINK THEY CAN GET
WEIRDER.
PERHAPS THEY CAN INCLUDE
BLADESPORTS, A REAL FORM OF
COMPETITION WHERE YOU RUN AROUND
WITH A SHARP BLADE AND CHOP UP
RANDOM OBJECTS.
HERE'S A TASTE:
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
[LAUGHTER]
John: YEAH.
IT'S REALLY GOOD.
FROM THE WATER BOTTLES FLASHING
TO A MAN IN JEANS ELEGANTLY
PERFORMING A ROPE BRIS.
IT'S BASICALLY JUST CELEBRATING
WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF A CHEF WENT
OFF THE DEEP END, AND I THINK IT
NEEDS TO BE ON THE GLOBAL STAGE.
OR HOW ABOUT COMBAT JUGGLING?
ANOTHER REAL SPORT THAT'S
EXACTLY AS INCREDIBLE AS IT
SOUNDS:
THIS IS THE SPORT OF COMBAT
JUGGLING.
AN AGGRESSIVE FORM OF OBJECT
MANIPULATION COMBINED WITH
DEBILITATING ATTACKS.
EACH PLAYER MUST MAINTAIN
CONTROL OF OVER THREE CLUBS AT
ALL TIMES.
OF THE TEMPTATION TO SMASH
THE OTHER GUY IN THE FACE MUST
BE OVERWHELMING.
John: THAT IS AN ABSOLUTE
MASTER CLASS IN SAYING WHAT YOUR
ENTIRE AUDIENCE IS THINKING.
"THANKS FOR REHASHING THE RULES,
DAVE BUT I THINK WE CAN ALL
AGREE, ITS INCREDIBLE THAT THE
PRIMATIVE URGE TO FUCKIN SMASH
IS BEING RESTRAINED AT THIS
MOMENT."
AND THAT'S JUST THE START.
WHAT ABOUT BOG SNORKELING?
BASICALLY, SNORKELING, BUT IN
FILTHY MARSH WATER.
OR CHESS BOXING, WHICH ASKS THE
QUESTION "CAN YOU PLAY CHESS
WITH A CONCUSSION?"
OR EVEN TOE WRESTLING?
WRESTLING WITH TOES!
IT WAS APPARENTLY INVENTED IN
1976 IN AN ATTEMPT TO FIND A NEW
SPORT FOR BRITISH PEOPLE TO
DOMINATE.
WE TOOK THE END OF EMPIRE HARD.
THE POINT IS, THERE ARE NO BAD
SUGGESTIONS HERE.
THOUGH I'LL BE HONEST, THE ONE I
WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD GAMES
IS BLADESPORTS.
BECAUSE WHO DOESN'T WANT TO SEE
PEOPLE ALL OVER THE WORLD, IN
DENIM, COMPETING TO SEE WHO DOES
THIS THE BEST?
John: YES!
I LOVE THAT SO MUCH.
SO WHATEVER SPORT YOU WANT TO
SEE, BUT DEFINITELY BLADESPORTS,
JUST GO TO
TheWorldGames.org,
SCROLL DOWN TO THE
SUGGESTION BOX, AND TYPE
"BLADESPORTS!" OR
"BLADESPORTS PLEASE" OR
"BLADESPORTS, CHOP CHOP!", WHICH
IS BOTH A DIRECTIVE AND A FUN
DESCRIPTION FOR OTHER
BLADESPORTS FANS, WHICH I'VE
BEEN EVER SINCE I LEARNED ABOUT
BLADESPORTS ABOUT 36 HOURS AGO.
DO IT RIGHT NOW, AND WE CAN HAVE
A WORLD GAMES NEXT YEAR THAT WE
WANT, BUT DO NOT DESERVE.
BUT DEEP DOWN KNOW WE DO NOT
FULLY DESERVED.
AND WHAT A BETTER WAY TO END
THIS SHOW THAN IN THE
TRADITIONAL WORLD GAMES MANNER.
THAT IS, BY HAVING TWO BELLHOPS
ESCORT ME TOWARD A SWARM OF
UNDULATING FREAKS DRESSED LIKE
SENTIENT SHEETS OF WET TOILET
PAPER WHILE MY BELLHOPS WAVE ME
GOODBYE.
THAT IS OUR SHOW.
THANKS SO MUCH FOR WATCHING,
WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!
GOODNIGHT!
GOOD NIGHT, BELLHOPS!
GOODBYE!
FAREWELL!
I MUST LEAVE YOU NOW.
THANK YOU, FREAKS.
THANK YOU, UNDULATING SHEETS.
WE MUST GO!
FAREWELL!
I LOVE BLADESPORTS!
GIVE ME