♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
John: WELCOME, WELCOME,
WELCOME TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT"!
I'M JOHN OLIVER.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING
US.
WE'RE BACK AND IT HAS BEEN A
BUSY WEEK!
BOEING'S STARLINER CAPSULE
RETURNED HOME FROM SPACE,
WITHOUT ITS ASTRONAUTS ON BOARD.
HUNTER BIDEN PLEADED GUILTY TO
TAX CHARGES.
AND VENEZUELA'S PRESIDENT
NICOLAS MADURO TRIED TO STEM
PROTESTS OVER WHAT'S WIDELY SEEN
AS JULY'S STOLEN ELECTION, WITH
THIS DESPERATE ANNOUNCEMENT.
THIS YEAR, IN ALL OF YOUR
HONOR AS A THANK YOU TO ALL OF
YOU, I'M DECLARING THAT
CHRISTMAS IS MOVING UP TO
OCTOBER 1ST.
CHRISTMAS STARTS OCTOBER 1ST.
FOR EVERYONE.
John: OH, COME ON!
YOU CAN'T JUST THROW UP
CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS IN OCTOBER
TO DISTRACT FROM YOUR SHITTY
POLITICS, YOU'RE NOT HOBBY
LOBBY.
ALSO, CHRISTMAS DOESN'T START
WHEN A PRESIDENT SAYS IT DOES.
AS WE ALL KNOW, CHRISTMAS STARTS
WHEN MARIAH CAREY POPS OUT OF
HER 11 MONTH COMA.
WAIT FOR HER SIGNAL.
BUT WE'RE GOING TO MOVE ON TO
THE U.S. ELECTION, WHICH IS
ENTERING ITS FINAL MONTHS.
SEVERAL STATES HAVE BEEN RUNNING
CONTESTS TO PICK THEIR "I VOTED"
STICKERS, AND JUST THIS WEEK,
MICHIGAN UNVEILED NINE WINNERS,
FEATURING SOME EXCELLENT
CHOICES.
CONGRATULATIONS TO OLIVIA
FROM HOLLY HIGH SCHOOL SHE
DESIGNED THIS COLORFUL STICKER
THAT SAYS "YAY I VOTED."
AND WE ALSO WANT TO SHOW YOU
THIS ONE THIS ONE IS CRAZY I
LOVE IT JANE FROM BROWNELL
MIDDLE SCHOOL.
IT'S AN AMERICAN FLAG AND
APPEARS TO BE A WOLF RIPPING OFF
HIS SHIRT.
JUST TURNT UP FROM VOTING.
John: YES.
EVERYTHING ABOUT THAT'S PERFECT.
THE LINE WORK, THE KINETIC
ENERGY OF THE SHIRT BEING RIPPED
OFF, THE WOLF'S HEAD THROWN BACK
IN PATRIOTIC ECSTASY AT THE
CONCEPT OF DEMOCRACY.
I KNOW THIS ISN'T THE POINT, BUT
I'D COMMIT VOTER FRAUD TO GET
MULTIPLES OF THAT STICKER.
AND IT'S NOT JUST MICHIGAN--
KENTUCKY'S WINNER WAS THIS
LOVELY DRAWING OF A HORSE, BUT
MY FAVORITE THERE WAS ACTUALLY
THIS RUNNER-UP ENTRY.
THIRD GRADER CASH LITZLER OF
FLEMINGSBURG WON OVER THE
INTERNET'S HUMOR WITH HIS
DRAWING THAT WAS LESS
CONVENTIONAL THAN OTHERS.
BUT I'LL LET HIM EXPLAIN THE
INSPIRATION.
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DRAW.
SO, I WATCHED THE SPIDER-MAN
MOVIES LIKE THREE DAYS BEFORE IT
AND I WAS JUST DRAWING.
AND THEN MOM TOLD ME ABOUT THE
CONTEST, AND I WANTED TO ENTER
IT.
MOM TELLS ME CASH'S THINKING
WAS, "IF LIZARD MAN CAN VOTE,
YOU CAN TOO."
John: "IF LIZARD MAN CAN
VOTE, YOU CAN TOO."
THAT IS A POWERFUL MESSAGE.
AT THE END OF THE DAY, LIZARD
MEN IN DISGUISE DON'T SECRETLY
RUN THE GOVERNMENT, THEY GET ONE
VOTE, JUST LIKE YOU AND ME.
AS FOR THE PRESIDENTIAL
CANDIDATES, THEY'RE SCHEDULED TO
DEBATE NEXT TUESDAY.
AND TRUMP CONTINUES TO BATTLE
THE FACT THAT HE AND J.D. VANCE
HAVE BEEN CALLED "WEIRD"-- A
LABEL THAT SEEMS TO GENUINELY
BOTHER HIM.
J.D.'S NOT WEIRD.
HE'S A SOLID ROCK.
I HAPPEN TO BE A VERY SOLID
ROCK.
WE'RE NOT WEIRD.
WE'RE OTHER THINGS, PERHAPS.
BUT WE'RE NOT WEIRD.
John: BUT THAT'S THE WEIRDEST
POSSIBLE WAY TO ADDRESS THAT
ACCUSATION.
"HE'S A SOLID ROCK.
I HAPPEN TO BE A VERY SOLID
ROCK."
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I'M NOT SURE I'D DESCRIBE ANY
PART OF J.D. VANCE AS "ROCK
SOLID."
UNLESS, OF COURSE, HE WAS IN A
WEST ELM SHOWROOM.
THOUGH TRUMP'S HALF RIGHT!
HE AND VANCE ARE LOTS OF THINGS:
THEY'RE MISOGYNISTS,
NARCISSISTS, MEN WHO CUM DEAD
SILENT, PLAUSIBLE MASKED SINGER
CONTESTANTS.
BUT THEY ARE ALSO, DEEPLY WEIRD.
AND EACH DAY SEEMS TO BRING NEW
EVIDENCE OF VANCE FAILING TO
CONNECT WITH ORDINARY AMERICANS
FROM BEING BOOED BY
FIREFIGHTERS, WHOM HE REFERRED
TO AS HATERS, TO THE VIRAL CLIP
OF HIM UTTERLY FAILING TO MAKE
SMALL TALK IN A DONUT SHOP, WITH
THE LOW BEING THIS.
WE'RE GONNA DO TWO DOZEN?
OKAY.
YEAH.
JUST A, Y'KNOW, RANDOM
ASSORTMENT OF STUFF HERE.
HOW LONG HAVE YOU WORKED HERE?
I'VE BEEN HERE SINCE THE
BEGINNING OF JULY.
OKAY.
OF THIS YEAR.
OKAY.
GOOD.
HOW ABOUT YOU, SIR?
ALMOST TWO YEARS.
OKAY.
GOOD.
HOW LONG HAS THIS--
EVERYTHING?
JUST EVERYTHING, YEAH, GONNA
BE A LOT OF GLAZED HERE, SOME
SPRINKLE STUFF, SOME OF THESE
CINNAMON ROLLS-- WHATEVER MAKES
SENSE.
John: HOW ARE YOU THAT BAD AT
BASIC HUMAN INTERACTIONS?
"WHATEVER MAKES SENSE?"
IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT DONUT TO
ORDER, JUST SAY "SURPRISE ME!"
IT'S FUN.
IT'S ANNOYING TO EVERY SERVER
WHO'S EVER LIVED, BUT IT'S AT
LEAST A HUMAN RESPONSE.
BUT "WHATEVER MAKES SENSE?"
MY FREAKY LITTLE BITCH, YOU ARE
IN A DONUT SHOP.
NOTHING MAKES SENSE THERE.
SOME HAVE SPRINKLES, SOME ARE
FRITTERS, SOME CONTAIN A JELLY
FOUND IN NO OTHER PLACE ON
EARTH.
YOU ARE EATING CAKE FOR
BREAKFAST, IT'S TOTAL CHAOS, BUT
PICKING OUT A DONUT IS SOMETHING
MOST OF US FIGURED OUT BY AGE
THREE.
AND TRUMP CLEARLY SHOULD'VE
KNOWN ABOUT VANCE'S LACK OF
CHARM, BECAUSE IT'S BEEN ON
DISPLAY FOR ALL TO SEE-- FROM
HIS MANY PODCAST APPEARANCES
WHERE HE'S SAID THINGS LIKE,
WOMEN WHO DON'T HAVE KIDS ARE
CHOOSING A "PATH TO MISERY."
TO THE AWKWARD MOMENTS LIKE WHEN
HE SHOWED UP TO A PICKET LINE
LAST YEAR AND TRIED TO TURN A
FISTBUMP INTO A HANDSHAKE, AND
THEN OFFERED HIS OWN FISTBUMP
AND GOT LEFT HANGING.
THAT IS JUST BRUTAL TO WATCH.
JUST THIS WEEK, A CLIP
RESURFACED OF HIM DURING HIS
SENATE CAMPAIGN TWO YEARS AGO,
FLOP-SWEATING THROUGH SOME
SHITTY JOKES ABOUT KAMALA
HARRIS.
WHILE WE'RE ON THE TOPIC OF
JOE BIDEN, OF COURSE, IF HE DID
NOT MAKE IT ALL THE WAY THROUGH
HIS FOUR YEARS, HE IS LIKELY TO
BE REPLACED BY KAMALA HARRIS,
WHO I'VE HEARD CALLED CACKLELA
HARRIS, BECAUSE SHE HAS THIS
WEIRD CACKLE, RIGHT?
BUT, I HEARD A JOKE ABOUT KAMALA
THAT I THOUGHT WAS PRETTY FUNNY
RECENTLY, THAT, YOU KNOW, BILL
CLINTON WAS WATCHING ON TV AND
BILL THOUGHT, Y'KNOW, MAN, SHE'S
JUST SO CONDESCENDING, SHE'S
MEAN-SPIRITED, SHE'S KIND OF
NASTY.
MAYBE I SHOULD LEAVE MY
WIFE AND MARRY HER INSTEAD.
SORRY, THAT'S A LITTLE--
John: LOOK, J.D., COMEDIAN TO
COMEDIAN, NEVER MAKE THE SET UP
"I HEARD A JOKE THAT I THOUGHT
WAS PRETTY FUNNY RECENTLY," BUT,
IF YOU DO, MAKE SURE THAT WHAT
YOU SAY NEXT IS FUNNY AND ALSO,
AN ACTUAL JOKE.
BUT TRUMP'S SUPPORTERS WILL
INSIST THIS CONTEST IS ABOUT
POLICY, NOT PERSONALITY.
BUT POLICY, THEY'RE EVEN MORE
TOXIC AND WEIRD.
JUST THIS WEEK, BOTH MEN
ADDRESSED THE COST OF CHILD
CARE.
VANCE SUGGESTED THAT, "MAYBE
GRANDMA OR GRANDPA WANTS TO HELP
OUT A LITTLE BIT MORE."
AND TRUMP GOT A VERY SPECIFIC
QUESTION ABOUT IT AT AN ECONOMIC
FORUM.
AND I'M GOING TO PLAY HIS FULL
TWO-MINUTE ANSWER.
BECAUSE IT'S GENUINELY
REMARKABLE HOW LONG HE TAKES TO
SAY SO LITTLE.
CAN YOU COMMIT TO
PRIORITIZING LEGISLATION TO MAKE
CHILDCARE AFFORDABLE, AND IF SO,
WHAT SPECIFIC PIECE OF
LEGISLATION WOULD YOU ADVANCE?
WELL, I WOULD DO THAT, AND
WE'RE SITTING DOWN-- YOU KNOW
AND I WAS, SOMEBODY, WE HAD
SENATOR MARCO RUBIO, AND MY
DAUGHTER IVANKA WAS SO IMPACTFUL
ON THAT ISSUE.
IT'S A VERY IMPORTANT ISSUE.
BUT I THINK WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT
THE KIND OF NUMBERS THAT I'M
TALKING ABOUT, THAT, BECAUSE,
LOOK, CHILD CARE IS CHILD CARE
IS.
IT'S, COULDN'T, YOU KNOW,
THERE'S SOMETHING, YOU HAVE TO
HAVE IT.
IN THIS COUNTRY YOU HAVE TO HAVE
IT.
BUT WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT THOSE
NUMBERS COMPARED TO THE KIND OF
NUMBERS THAT I'M TALKING ABOUT
BY TAXING FOREIGN NATIONS AT
LEVELS THAT THEY'RE NOT USED
TO-- BUT THEY'LL GET USED TO IT
VERY QUICKLY-- AND IT'S NOT
GONNA STOP THEM FROM DOING
BUSINESS WITH US, BUT THEY'LL
HAVE A VERY SUBSTANTIAL TAX WHEN
THEY SEND PRODUCT INTO OUR
COUNTRY.
THOSE NUMBERS ARE SO MUCH BIGGER
THAN ANY NUMBERS THAT WE'RE
TALKING ABOUT, INCLUDING
CHILDCARE, THAT IT'S GOING TO
TAKE CARE. WE'RE GONNA HAVE--
I, I LOOK FORWARD TO HAVING NO
DEFICITS WITHIN A FAIRLY SHORT
PERIOD OF TIME, COUPLED WITH THE
REDUCTIONS THAT I TOLD YOU ABOUT
ON WASTE AND FRAUD AND ALL OF
THE OTHER THINGS THAT ARE GOING
ON IN OUR COUNTRY, BECAUSE I
HAVE TO STAY WITH CHILD CARE.
I WANT TO STAY WITH CHILD CARE,
BUT THOSE NUMBERS ARE SMALL
RELATIVE TO THE KIND OF ECONOMIC
NUMBERS THAT I'M TALKING ABOUT,
INCLUDING GROWTH, BUT GROWTH
ALSO HEADED UP BY WHAT THE PLAN
IS THAT I JUST, THAT I JUST TOLD
YOU ABOUT.
WE'RE GONNA BE TAKING IN
TRILLIONS OF DOLLARS, AND AS
MUCH AS CHILD CARE IS TALKED
ABOUT AS BEING EXPENSIVE, IT'S
RELATIVELY SPEAKING NOT VERY
EXPENSIVE COMPARED TO THE KIND
OF NUMBERS WE'LL BE TAKING IN.
WE'RE GOING TO MAKE THIS INTO AN
INCREDIBLE COUNTRY THAT CAN
AFFORD TO TAKE CARE OF ITS
PEOPLE, AND THEN WE'LL WORRY
ABOUT THE REST OF THE WORLD.
LET'S HELP OTHER PEOPLE.
BUT WE'RE GOING TO TAKE CARE OF
OUR COUNTRY FIRST.
THIS IS ABOUT AMERICA FIRST.
IT'S ABOUT "MAKE AMERICA GREAT
AGAIN."
WE HAVE TO DO IT, BECAUSE RIGHT
NOW, WE'RE A FAILING NATION.
SO WE'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.
THANK YOU.
VERY GOOD QUESTION.
[APPLAUSE]
John: WHAT WAS THAT?
THAT APPLAUSE ISN'T SATISFACTION
WITH THE ANSWER, IT'S RELIEF
IT'S FINALLY OVER.
THAT'S THE PUBLIC-SPEAKING
EQUIVALENT OF AN AUDIENCE FAKING
AN ORGASM.
"YOU DID IT, YOU CAN STOP NOW,
PLEASE."
BUT LOOK AT HIS ANSWER-- THIS
IS THE FULL TEXT.
IT'S LIKE CHATGPT HAVING A
MENTAL BREAKDOWN.
A BUNCH OF INCOHERENT RAMBLING
AROUND NONSPECIFIC IMPLICATIONS
THAT TARIFFS WILL FIX
EVERYTHING, WHICH OF COURSE,
THEY WON'T.
LOOK, THE BAD NEWS IS, FOR THE
NEXT TWO MONTHS WE'RE GOING TO
BE SUBJECTED TO AN EXCRUCIATING
AMOUNT OF NONSENSE LIKE THAT.
THE GOOD NEWS IS, COME NOVEMBER,
THERE'S A CHANCE FOR AMERICA TO
REJECT THAT BULLSHIT ONCE AND
FOR ALL.
AND IF THAT HAPPENS, IT'S HARD
TO PUT INTO WORDS HOW LIBERATING
THAT MIGHT FEEL.
LUCKILY, I KNOW OF ONE
PARTICULAR STICKER THAT GETS
THAT FEELING ACROSS PRETTY
FUCKING WELL.
AND NOW, THIS.
Announcer: AND NOW,
PONY LITTLE HAS SOMETHING YOU HE
WANTS TO KNOW ABOUT HIM.
I'VE MANY CHALLENGES IN MY
LIFE SO I HAD KNEE PROBLEMS,
BACK PROBLEMS, PERIOD >> YOU
TALK ABOUT IT YOU HAD KNEE
ISSUES--
I'VE HAD EVERY ISSUE.
FROM BEING HIT BY A SCHOOL BUS.
I WANTED TO PEOPLE TO REALIZE I
WAS HIT BY A SCHOOL BUS.
IT'S BECAUSE I WAS HIT BY A
SCHOOL BUS.
I WAS HIT BY A SCHOOL BUS.
HIT THE ONLY HILL IN FLORIDA
AND HIT A TREE.
HIT THE ONLY HILL IN FLORIDA
AND HIT A TREE.
SPEAK I HAD THE ONLY HILL IN
FLORIDA AND I HIT A TREE AND I
WAS HIT BY A LOBSTER TRUCK IN
MIAMI.
I WAS HIT BY A LOBSTER TRUCK
AND HAVE YOU GOTTEN HIT BY A
LOBSTER TRUCK?
NO.
THE MAIN ONE I WAS HIT BY A
SCHOOL BUS.
HIT THE ONLY HILL IN FLORIDA AND
HIT A TREE.
HIT BY A LOBSTER TRUCK IN MIAMI.
I MEAN THAT WAS JUST MY LIFE.
ANYWAY, FORGET THAT PART OF IT.
John: MOVING ON.
OUR MAIN STORY TONIGHT CONCERNS
LUNCH.
THE MEAL YOU SAVE FOR FRIENDS
THAT AREN'T INTERESTING ENOUGH
FOR DINNER.
SPECIFICALLY, WE'RE GOING TO
TALK ABOUT SCHOOL LUNCH, WHICH
IS, AMONG OTHER THINGS, THE
INSPIRATION FOR THIS BONKERS PSA
FROM THE 1980s.
I'M TIRED OF CANDY!
TIRED OF GUM!
TIRED OF HUNGER, AND FOOD THAT'S
NO FUN.
I'M TIRED OF PRETENDING I DON'T
LIKE SPAGHETTI, BUT SCHOOL LUNCH
KEEPS ME ROARIN' READY AND ROCK
STEADY.
PIZZA, SPAGHETTI, BURGERS!
RAH!
WITH CHOW DADDY IN YOUR
SCHOOL CAFETERIA, IT'S THE FUN
PLACE TO BE FOR LUNCH.
DESSERTS!
John: OKAY.
LET'S BREAK THAT DOWN.
STRAIGHT AWAY, WE OPEN ON A
CLOSEUP OF "CHOW DADDY," WHOSE
NAME MAKES HIM SOUND LIKE THE
UNDEFEATED PUSSY-EATING CHAMPION
OF THE WORLD.
THEN, HE CLAIMS: I'M TIRED OF
CANDY.
TIRED OF GUM"-- A BOLD CHOICE
IF YOU'RE WRITING SOMETHING KIDS
NEED TO RELATE TO-- BEFORE
CONTINUING, "I'M TIRED OF
PRETENDING I DON'T LIKE
SPAGHETTI."
AND, WHAT?
WHO'S FORCING YOU TO DO THAT,
C.D.?
HE THEN THROWS IN A MOONWALK,
CEMENTING THE NOTION HE'S A
"PUBLIC ACCESS MICHAEL JACKSON
FROM THRILLER."
AND ENDS BY JUST LISTING FOODS,
ENDING WITH THE CONCEPT OF
"DESSERTS!"
I DON'T KNOW HOW THAT ENCOURAGED
KIDS TO EAT SCHOOL LUNCH, BUT
IT'S FASCINATING TO WATCH, AND
ONE DAY, I'M SURE WE'LL FIND OUT
HOW MUCH WEAPONS GRADE COCAINE
IT TOOK TO COME UP WITH THAT AD.
THE LUNCHES CHOW DADDY IS
REFERRING TO COME FROM THE
NATIONAL SCHOOL LUNCH PROGRAM,
THE FEDERALLY ASSISTED PROGRAM
THAT PROVIDES MEALS TO
SCHOOLCHILDREN.
IT WAS LAUNCHED IN 1946, AND
SINCE THEN, HAS GROWN TO BECOME
MASSIVE, WITH OVER 90% OF PUBLIC
SCHOOLS PARTICIPATING IN IT.
LAST YEAR ALONE, THE PROGRAM
PROVIDED 4.6 BILLION LUNCHES.
WHICH IS INCREDIBLE.
BUT SCHOOL LUNCHES ARE ALSO THE
SUBJECT OF CONSTANT CRITICISM
FROM KIDS.
WHICH SHOULDN'T BE SURPRISING.
KIDS ARE PICKY-- WHOLE NEW
FOODS ARE CREATED TO COMBAT
THAT.
GOGURT ONLY EXISTS BECAUSE SOME
KID WAS LIKE "OVER MY DEAD BODY
WILL I EAT YOGURT WITH A SPOON,
I'D LIKE IT TO COME OUT OF A
PLASTIC ESOPHAGUS" AND THE
MARKET COMPLIED.
BUT NEVERTHELESS, IF YOU ASK
STUDENTS FOR THEIR OPINIONS ON
THEIR SCHOOL LUNCHES, THEY WILL
BE BRUTALLY HONEST.
IF YOU HAD TO DESCRIBE SCHOOL
LUNCH IN ONE WORD, HOW WOULD YOU
DESCRIBE IT?
I WOULD SAY WEIRD.
RANCID.
RAW.
UNAPPETIZING.
UNEDIBLE.
I DON'T LIKE THE TASTE OR THE
TEXTURE.
FOOD IS ALWAYS COLD.
THE PORTIONS ARE, LIKE,
SMALL.
NO, LITERALLY.
THEY GAVE US TWO CHICKEN
TENDERS.
WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH CHICKEN
TENDERS?
John: I MEAN, TO BE FAIR,
SHE'S RIGHT ABOUT THAT.
THE CORRECT NUMBER OF CHICKEN
TENDERS ISN'T TWO.
THAT ISN'T THE CORRECT NUMBER
FOR ANY FOOD.
I WANT MY CHICKEN TENDERS IN ODD
PRIME NUMBERS.
3 IS A SNACK, 5 IS A MEAL,
AND 7 IS A CRY FOR HELP.
BUT I'M NOT HERE TONIGHT TO SHIT
ON SCHOOL LUNCHES.
BECAUSE THE VERY FACT THEY
HAPPEN AT ALL IS REMARKABLE.
SCHOOL NUTRITION DIRECTORS OFTEN
SAY THEY RUN THE "BIGGEST
RESTAURANT IN TOWN," WHICH
DOESN'T SEEM LIKE AN
OVERSTATEMENT WHEN YOU SEE THIS
SNAPSHOT FROM A SCHOOL IN L.A.
USUALLY, YOU START LUNCH
AROUND 9:00.
WE HAVE TO COOK EVERYTHING IN
BATCHES, BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE
ENOUGH OVENS.
AND THEN SO, FROM 10:00 TO, I'D
SAY 11:30, EVERYBODY'S PANICKING
THE WHOLE TIME.
SO, WE DO THE HAMBURGERS FIRST,
WE GET THOSE GOING, WE GET THE
FRIES GOING, THEN WE GET PIZZA
GOING, GET THE CHICKEN NUGGETS
FOR THE VEGAN MENU TODAY.
SO, IT'S CONSTANTLY BATCH,
BATCH, BATCH.
WE SERVE ABOUT, I'D SAY 1,500 A
DAY OR MORE.
THAT INCLUDES BREAKFAST, LUNCH,
AND SUPPER.
John: OKAY, PUTTING ASIDE THE
COGNITIVE DISSONANCE OF HAVING
CHICKEN NUGGETS BE THE VEGAN
MENU ITEM OF THE DAY, THAT IS
IMPRESSIVE.
IF YOU HAD TO DO 1,500 OF
WHATEVER YOUR JOB IS, EVEN
ONCE, YOU'D SNAP.
IF YOU WERE A VET AND HAD TO
GIVE ONE DOG ITS EAR MEDICINE -
FINE.
10 DOGS?
THAT'S A LOT BUT OKAY.
A HUNDRED?
THIS IS GETTING UNREASONABLE.
BUT 1,500 DOGS NEED EAR MEDICINE
AND SOME OF THEM ARE VEGAN?
JUST WALK OUT AND START A NEW
LIFE SOMEWHERE ELSE.
LUNCH PROGRAMS ARE SUCH A
MASSIVE UNDERTAKING, THEY'VE
EVEN BEEN REFERRED TO AS A
"DAILY MIRACLE."
AND FOR MANY KIDS, SCHOOL MEALS
ARE ACTUALLY THEIR MOST RELIABLE
SOURCE OF NUTRITION.
WHICH IS WHY IT'S SO IMPORTANT
THE PROGRAM WORK AS WELL AS IT
CAN, FOR AS MANY KIDS AS IT CAN.
UNFORTUNATELY, IN TOO MANY
PLACES, THAT'S JUST NOT THE
CASE.
SO GIVEN THAT, TONIGHT, WITH
MANY SCHOOLS AROUND THE COUNTRY
JUST STARTING BACK UP AGAIN,
LET'S TALK ABOUT SCHOOL LUNCHES.
AND LET'S START WITH THE QUALITY
OF THE FOOD.
BECAUSE THOSE STUDENTS WEREN'T
ENTIRELY OFF-BASE.
NOT EVERY MEAL SERVED INSIDE A
SCHOOL IS PERFECT.
BUT THAT'S OFTEN BECAUSE SCHOOL
CAFETERIAS ARE HAVING TO OPERATE
UNDER SEVERE BUDGET CONSTRAINTS.
SCHOOL LUNCHES ARE SUBSIDIZED BY
THE GOVERNMENT, WHICH SETS A
CEILING ON HOW MUCH IT'LL PAY
FOR ANY GIVEN MEAL.
BUT THAT CEILING IS SET WAY TOO
LOW.
ONE SURVEY OF SCHOOL DISTRICTS
FOUND THAT AROUND TWO THIRDS
SAID THE FUNDS THEY RECEIVED
WERE NOT SUFFICIENT TO COVER THE
COSTS OF PRODUCING LUNCH.
WHICH MAKES SENSE WHEN YOU FIND
OUT THEY ONLY GET AROUND $4 PER
MEAL, WHICH HAS TO COVER
EVERYTHING FROM FOOD COSTS TO
EQUIPMENT UPGRADES TO STAFF
SALARIES.
JUST LISTEN TO THIS FORMER HEAD
CHEF AT NOMA, ONE OF THE TOP
RESTAURANTS IN THE WORLD, WHO
FOUNDED A COMPANY THAT PLACES
PROFESSIONAL CHEFS IN SCHOOL
KITCHENS, EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENS
TO THAT $4, AND EVERYTHING IT
HAS TO GO TOWARD.
THAT'S ACTUALLY FOR
MAINTENANCE, IT'S FOR PAYING
PEOPLE TO MAKE THE FOOD-- SO,
WHEN IT'S ALL SAID AND DONE, YOU
HAVE ABOUT A DOLLAR AND A
QUARTER FOR FOOD.
MAKING FOOD, A MEAL, THAT KIDS
REALLY WANT TO EAT FOR $1.25 IS
SUPER CHALLENGING.
John: YEAH, OF COURSE IT IS.
$1.25 DOESN'T COVER THE COST OF
FOOD PRETTY MUCH ANYWHERE.
EVEN AT COSTCO, THE HOTDOG AND
SODA COMBO IS $1.50, AND THAT'S
ONLY BECAUSE THE CO-FOUNDER ONCE
SAID, AND THIS IS TRUE, "IF YOU
RAISE THE PRICE OF THE FUCKING
HOT DOG, I WILL KILL YOU."
THAT'S A REAL QUOTE, FROM A TRUE
LEADER.
SO THE BUDGET ALONE IS A REAL
CHALLENGE.
AS IS THE FACT THAT IT'S
IMPORTANT KIDS ACTUALLY TAKE THE
MEALS.
BECAUSE THE GOVERNMENT ONLY
REIMBURSES SCHOOLS FOR MEALS
THAT STUDENTS TAKE.
MEANING, IF KIDS DON'T LIKE
WHAT'S BEING SERVED AND IGNORE
IT, THE SCHOOL DOESN'T GET ANY
MONEY, AND GOES INTO THE HOLE.
SO YOU NEED AN APPEALING MEAL
THAT COMES IN AT ROCK-BOTTOM
PRICES.
THAT'S A KEY REASON WHY MANY
SCHOOLS OPT TO JUST HEAT AND
SERVE PRE-MADE MEALS.
AND THAT APPROACH HAS OPENED
THEM UP TO CRITICISM-- JAMIE
OLIVER, A MAN TO WHOM I AM
SURPRISINGLY NOT RELATED, HAD A
SHOW IN 2010 WHERE HE TRIED TO
MAKE OVER THE MENUS IN A WEST
VIRGINIA SCHOOL, AND HE MADE A
BIG SHOW OF BEING APPALLED AT
WHAT THE CHILDREN WERE BEING
FED.
WHEN I WENT IN THE FREEZER,
THE FREEZER WAS JUST BASICALLY
AN ALADDIN'S CAVE OF PROCESSED
CRAP.
OKAY, SO THIS IS PIZZA FOR
TOMORROW, YEAH?
YES.
SO YOU HAVE PIZZA FOR
BREAKFAST AND THEN THEY HAVE IT
FOR WHAT?
LUNCH TOMORROW?
MM-HMM.
BLOODY HELL.
SO, THIS MEAT IS ALREADY COOKED,
YEAH?
YEAH, WHEN IT GROWS UP IT
WILL BE SCRAMBLED EGGS.
SO, THAT IS SCRAMBLED EGGS?
I'VE NEVER SEEN THAT BEFORE.
YEAH, IT'S EGG.
WE STEAM IT.
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT MOST OF IT
WAS AND WHEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT
SOMETHING IS, THE ALARM BELLS GO
OFF.
DO YOU HONESTLY THINK THAT WE
COULD DO FROM RAW STATE EVERY
DAY?
DO YOU REALLY?
YES.
John: OKAY.
I HAVE A LOT OF QUESTIONS, BUT
THE FIRST IS-- I KNOW I HAVE A
BRITISH ACCENT, AND MY NAME IS
ALMOST HIS NAME, AND I HAVE A
SHOW WHERE I ESSENTIALLY TELL
AMERICA THAT IT'S DOING
EVERYTHING WRONG, BUT, AM I LIKE
THAT?
PLEASE TELL ME I'M NOT LIKE
THAT.
BECAUSE WHILE THE DREAM OF EVERY
SINGLE SCHOOL COOKING FROM
SCRATCH IS A LOVELY IDEA, IT
MIGHT NOT BE FEASIBLE FOR A LOT
OF SCHOOL DISTRICTS.
NOT ONLY ARE THERE THE COST AND
LABOR ISSUES, BUT THEY ALSO NEED
TO NAVIGATE STRICT NUTRITIONAL
GUIDELINES.
THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT SETS
STANDARDS FOR THINGS LIKE THE
AMOUNT AND TYPES OF FRUITS AND
VEGETABLES REQUIRED TO BE ON A
PLATE.
BUT IT CAN BE HARD TO MEET THEM
ON A TIGHT BUDGET-- SOMETHING
FAMOUSLY ILLUSTRATED DURING THE
REAGAN ERA, WHEN HIS
ADMINISTRATION SLASHED THE
FEDERAL SCHOOL LUNCH BUDGET,
THEN BRIEFLY TRIED BENDING THE
NUTRITIONAL GUIDELINES TO A
TRULY RIDICULOUS EXTENT.
ALSO GETTING ATTENTION TODAY
WAS THAT ELEMENTARY SCHOOL LUNCH
SAMPLED BY MEMBERS OF CONGRESS
YESTERDAY.
THE MEAL CONSISTING OF A SMALL
MEAT PATTY, SIX FRENCH FRIES, A
GLASS OF MILK, AND KETCHUP,
CLASSIFIED AS A VEGETABLE, WAS
REPRESENTATIVE OF NEW FEDERAL
GUIDELINES ISSUED TO SAVE MONEY
ON SUBSIDIZED SCHOOL LUNCHES.
John: NOW, MUCH HAS BEEN MADE
ABOUT THE WHOLE "KETCHUP AS A
VEGETABLE" THING, BUT I DON'T
THINK PEOPLE TALKED ENOUGH ABOUT
THE MYSTERY MEAT PATTY BEING
SERVED WITH A GLASS OF MILK.
THAT LOOKS LIKE A HAMBURGER WITH
A TERMINAL ILLNESS.
IT LOOKS LIKE THE CRACKED SOIL
OF A DUST BOWL ERA FARM.
YOU KNOW, I READ ONCE THAT
ULTRAMARATHON RUNNERS IN DEATH
VALLEY WOULD EAT BANANAS, THEN
THROW THEM UP, AND THE BANANA
VOMIT WOULD BAKE IN THE SUN
FORMING LITTLE PATTIES ON THE
GROUND, AND I BET IT LOOKS LIKE
THAT.
THE POINT IS: KETCHUP ISN'T A
VEGETABLE, REAGAN MADE THINGS
WORSE, AND I'VE BEEN TRYING TO
OFFLOAD THAT BANANA FACT FOR THE
PAST FIVE YEARS.
AND THE THING IS, EVEN WHEN--
WITH GOOD INTENTIONS-- WE
MANAGE TO RAISE THE NUTRITIONAL
STANDARDS FOR LUNCHES, IT CAN
THEN BE A REAL CHALLENGE TO MAKE
THEM APPETIZING.
DURING THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION,
ACCESS TO SCHOOL LUNCHES WAS
EXPANDED GREATLY THANKS TO THE
2010 HEALTHY, HUNGER-FREE KIDS
ACT-- WHICH ALSO UPDATED
GUIDELINES TO MAKE MEALS MORE
NUTRITIOUS.
AND WHILE THAT ACT PRODUCED
GREAT RESULTS OVERALL, SOME
STUDENTS HATED THE NEW,
HEALTHIER OPTIONS, SHARING
PHOTOS WITH THE HASHTAG "THANKS
MICHELLE OBAMA."
WHICH, TO THEIR CREDIT, IS
FUNNY.
WHEN THE NUTRITION WENT HIGH,
THE KIDS WENT LOW.
BUT IT DID TAKE SOME TRIAL,
ERROR AND FLEXIBILITY, TO MAKE
THOSE NEW STANDARDS WORK.
FOR INSTANCE, THE ACT REQUIRED
THAT BREADS HAD TO BE
"WHOLE-GRAIN RICH."
BUT AS ONE FOOD SERVICE DIRECTOR
IN NEW MEXICO SAID, "MANY
FAMILIES IN THE SOUTHWEST WILL
NOT ACCEPT WHOLE-GRAIN
TORTILLAS," AND-- I QUOTE--
"WE SIMPLY CANNOT AFFORD TO FEED
OUR TRASH CANS."
SIMILARLY, A SCHOOL DISTRICT IN
MISSISSIPPI TRIED TO MAKE A 100%
WHOLE-GRAIN BISCUIT, WHICH WAS
NOT RECEIVED AS WELL BY
STUDENTS, SO THE SCHOOL IS NOW
ALLOWED TO OPERATE ON 80% OF
WHOLE GRAINS INSTEAD.
WHICH FEELS LIKE A GOOD
COMPROMISE.
BECAUSE A WHOLE GRAIN BISCUIT
ISN'T A BISCUIT.
AT THAT POINT, LET'S JUST MAKE
ICE CREAM SANDWICHES WHERE THE
COOKIES ARE CELERY AND THE ICE
CREAM IS CHILDREN'S MOTRIN,
BECAUSE IT SEEMS WORDS DON'T
MATTER ANYMORE.
THE FACT IS, SCHOOL NUTRITION
DIRECTORS HAVE TO STRIKE A
DELICATE BALANCE BETWEEN THE
PERFECT, AND THE ACHIEVABLE.
THAT FORMER NOMA CHEF YOU SAW
EARLIER GETS INCREDIBLY
FRUSTRATED WHEN TALKING ABOUT
HOW CHEFS WHO WORK OUTSIDE OF
SCHOOL KITCHENS TEND TO LOOK
DOWN ON SOME OF THE FOOD HE
MAKES NOW.
IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE WE'VE HAD
A LOT OF PEERS, A LOT OF MY
PEERS HAVE COME AND SEEN WHAT WE
DO AND THEY'RE DISAPPOINTED BY
WHAT WE DO.
YOUR COLLEAGUES ARE
DISAPPOINTED?
YEAH, IN THE SENSE THAT, OH,
I THOUGHT THIS WAS GOING TO BE
SOMETHING ELSE.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO BE
SERVING A DIFFERENT TYPE OF
FOOD.
AND I SAID, "I DON'T GIVE A FUCK
WHAT YOU THINK BECAUSE IT'S NOT
ABOUT YOU."
YOU KNOW, IF YOU HAVE $1.25 TO
FEED PEOPLE AND THAT'S YOUR
CONSTRAINT AND YOU'RE FEEDING
KIDS AND YOU START TO PRIORITIZE
THINGS LIKE SUSTAINABILITY AND
LOCALITY AND SEASONALITY, THEN
YOU DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND HOW
THE WORLD WORKS.
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT FOOD
COSTS.
John: YEAH, HE'S RIGHT.
I'M NOT SURE WHY THE DECOR OF
THAT STAGE IS "TED TALK IN THE
JUNGLE."
BUT HE'S RIGHT.
IT'S ALL VERY WELL FOR JAMIE
OLIVER TO WANT SCHOOLS TO COOK
FROM SCRATCH WITH FRESH
INGREDIENTS ALL THE TIME, BUT
IT'S A LOT HARDER TO BE
IDEALISTIC WHEN YOU'RE SLINGING
1,000 PORTIONS OF HOT LUNCH TO
KIDS IN A CRAMPED KITCHEN, ALL
IN 15 OR 20 MINUTES.
REALITY IS A HELL OF A SOUS
CHEF.
BUT LET'S SAY YOU COULD CREATE
LUNCHES THAT WERE NUTRITIOUS,
DELICIOUS, AND AFFORDABLE.
THAT STILL DOESN'T ADDRESS THE
BIGGER PROBLEM WITH OUR SCHOOL
LUNCH PROGRAM, WHICH IS THAT, IN
MANY STATES, IT'S NOT FEEDING
EVERYONE WHO NEEDS IT.
AND THAT'S A HUGE PROBLEM,
BECAUSE AS I MENTIONED, FOR LOTS
OF KIDS, IT MIGHT BE THEIR ONLY
GUARANTEED MEAL OF THE DAY-- AS
THIS CAFETERIA WORKER IN
WASHINGTON STATE EXPLAINS.
YEAH, A LOT OF KIDS GO HOME
DURING-- I MEAN, DURING THE
CHRISTMAS BREAK, THEY DON'T HAVE
FOOD.
THEY-- THEY DON'T HAVE FOOD, SO
THEY'RE SO HAPPY TO COME BACK TO
SCHOOL.
ACTUALLY, THE REASON I BECAME A
LUNCH LADY IS BECAUSE I WANTED
TO GIVE THE KIDS FOOD THAT
DIDN'T GET IT AT HOME, LIKE I
DIDN'T.
WELL, I WAS ALWAYS HAPPY TO GO
TO SCHOOL, JUST BECAUSE I GET TO
EAT.
WE-- WE DIDN'T HAVE A LOT OF
FOOD, AND WHEN YOU GO TO SCHOOL,
YOU KNOW YOU'RE GONNA EAT, AND
IT'S-- THAT'S WORTH GOING TO
SCHOOL.
John: HER COMMITMENT TO
FEEDING KIDS IS BEAUTIFUL.
AND SHE'S RIGHT!
ANYTHING IS MORE APPEALING IF
YOU KNOW THERE'S GONNA BE FOOD
THERE.
A WORK MEETING, A WEDDING, EVEN
GIVING BLOOD!
YOU THINK I'M DOING THAT OUT OF
ALTRUISM?
WHERE ELSE CAN A GROWN MAN DRINK
APPLE JUICE AND EAT LITTLE
COOKIE PACKS FREE OF JUDGMENT?
DRAIN ME, NURSE GWEN, BUT KEEP
THE LORNA DOONES COMING.
SO SCHOOL LUNCH IS A CRITICAL
SOCIAL GOOD.
THE PROBLEM IS, IN ORDER TO GET
A FREE OR REDUCED-PRICE LUNCH,
FAMILIES HAVE TO FILL OUT
ELIGIBILITY PAPERWORK-- AND
THAT ALONE CAN BE PROHIBITIVE.
THERE MAY BE LANGUAGE BARRIERS
FOR SOME PARENTS, AND FOR
OTHERS, SOCIAL STIGMA.
AS ONE EXPERT POINTS OUT,
OFTENTIMES THESE FORMS ARE ON A
BRIGHTLY COLORED PIECE OF PAPER.
THEY SAY FREE SCHOOL LUNCH FORM.
AND FOR PARENTS, IT CAN FEEL
LIKE THE FORM IS EFFECTIVELY
SAYING, "I CAN'T AFFORD TO FEED
MY CHILD," AND THEY'RE HAVING TO
ASK THEIR KID TO HAND THAT TO A
TEACHER.
ON TOP OF THAT, THE THRESHOLDS
TO QUALIFY ARE OFTEN SO LOW,
THEY EXCLUDE FAMILIES WHO NEED
IT.
AND ONE EARNING AROUND $58,000
OR LESS IS ELIGIBLE FOR REDUCED
PRICE MEALS.
BUT IF YOU MAKE A PENNY MORE
THAN THAT, YOUR KIDS HAVE TO PAY
FULL PRICE.
AND THAT CAN QUICKLY BECOME A
STEEP FINANCIAL BURDEN.
MY-- MY SON IS ALWAYS
TELLING ME THAT HE DIDN'T EAT
BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT TO MAKE
ME HAVE TO PAY FOR IT.
SHE SAYS SHE'S ALWAYS BEEN
JUST ABOVE THE CUTOFF TO QUALIFY
FOR THE FEDERAL FREE AND
REDUCED-PRICE LUNCH PROGRAM.
BUT HER BUDGET IS STILL TIGHT.
SCHOOL LUNCH FOR HER KIDS COSTS
MORE THAN $250 A MONTH.
WITH FOUR KIDS IN SCHOOL,
THAT ADDS UP REALLY QUICK.
John: OF COURSE IT DOES.
AND KIDS CLEARLY SHOULDN'T BE
REFRAINING FROM EATING FOR
FINANCIAL REASONS.
THEY SHOULD BE REFUSING TO EAT
FOR ONE OF THE MULTITUDE OF
STANDARD KID REASONS, SUCH AS,
"THE FOOD LOOKS WEIRD," "IT'S
TOO HOT OUTSIDE," "IT'S TOO COLD
OUTSIDE," OR "I SAW A BIRD."
AND KIDS WHOSE FAMILIES CAN'T
AFFORD TO PAY CAN ACCUMULATE
WHAT'S COMMONLY CALLED "LUNCH
DEBT"-- AND THE COST TO SCHOOLS
CAN BE SIGNIFICANT.
ONE SAMPLING OF JUST OVER 800
DISTRICTS FOUND THAT THEIR TOTAL
MEAL DEBT EXCEEDED $17 MILLION
LAST YEAR.
UNFORTUNATELY, THE SOLUTION SOME
HAVE HIT ON IS TO PRESSURE
FAMILIES FOR THAT DEBT-- AND
SOMETIMES CHILDREN DIRECTLY--
THROUGH A PRACTICE KNOWN AS
"LUNCH SHAMING."
YOU MAY HAVE HEARD STORIES ABOUT
HOW SOME SCHOOLS GIVE KIDS WHO
OWE MONEY AN ALTERNATIVE LUNCH,
LIKE A COLD CHEESE SANDWICH.
WHILE OTHERS REQUIRE STUDENTS DO
CHORES.
A REPORT FROM LAST YEAR FOUND
SOME SCHOOLS IN KANSAS WOULDN'T
ALLOW KIDS WITH UNPAID DEBT TO
PARTICIPATE IN ACTIVITIES, OR
WOULD EVEN WITHHOLD GRADES FROM
PARENTS UNTIL DEBT WAS PAID.
AND STILL OTHER KIDS HAVE BEEN
FORCED TO WEAR WRISTBANDS, OR
HAD THEIR HANDS OR ARMS STAMPED,
TO SHOW THEY'RE BEHIND IN
PAYMENT.
AND INCREDIBLY, SOME TACTICS
HAVE BEEN EVEN WORSE.
EARLIER THIS MONTH, THE
WYOMING VALLEY WEST SCHOOL
DISTRICT IN NORTHEASTERN
PENNSYLVANIA SENT LETTERS TO
ABOUT 40 FAMILIES TELLING THEM
THEIR CHILDREN COULD BE SENT TO
FOSTER CARE IF THEY DIDN'T PAY
UP.
THE FOSTER CARE ISSUE JUST--
IT JUST HAD ME-- I, I COULDN'T
BELIEVE THAT THAT'S WHAT IT
SAID.
FOUR OTHER WYOMING VALLEY
WEST SCHOOL BOARD MEMBERS AGREE,
AS DOES SCHOOL ADMINISTRATOR
JOE MUTH.
HE SIGNED THAT LETTER SENT OUT
IT COULD HAVE BEEN TONED
DOWN.
I-- I DON'T KNOW HOW TO
DESCRIBE OTHER THAN, IN WRITING,
WE COULD HAVE TONED IT DOWN A
NOTCH.
John: OKAY, "COULD HAVE TONED
IT DOWN A NOTCH" IS PUTTING IT
MILDLY.
ALSO, THAT'S SOMETHING THAT GUY
SHOULD'VE REALIZED BEFORE
SIGNING THE LETTER.
FRANKLY, CLIPPY SHOULD'VE POPPED
UP AND SAID "IT LOOKS LIKE
YOU'RE THREATENING TO SEPARATE
FAMILIES AND THROW CHILDREN IN
FOSTER CARE OVER A FEW HUNDRED
BUCKS OF LUNCH DEBT.
ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO FUCKING
DO THAT?"
LUNCH DEBT'S BECOME SUCH A
UBIQUITOUS PROBLEM THAT KIDS
FINDING WAYS TO PAY IT OFF IS
NOW A TROPE OF SUPPOSEDLY
HEARTWARMING HUMAN-INTEREST
STORIES LIKE THESE.
A SECOND GRADER IS PAYING OFF
THE SCHOOL LUNCH DEBT FOR
EVERYBODY AT HIS SCHOOL AND KIDS
AT SIX OTHER SCHOOLS!
ON TUESDAY, FIFTH GRADER
DAKEN KRAMER GIVING THE SCHOOL
DISTRICT A CHECK FOR $7,300,
MONEY HE RAISED TO HELP PAY FOR
HIS CLASSMATES' SCHOOL LUNCH
DEBT.
CAITLIN DECIDED ALL OF THE
MONEY SHE RAISED WOULD GO
TOWARDS PAYING OFF THE SCHOOL
LUNCH DEBT OF 123 STUDENTS IN
HER SAN DIEGO SCHOOL DISTRICT.
HOW ABOUT THAT?
5-YEARS-OLD, GUYS.
IT'S AMAZING WHEN SOMEONE THAT
YOUNG JUST KNOWS TO PAY IT
FORWARD.
John: IT IS AMAZING, BUT SHE
SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DO IT!
LET A FIVE-YEAR-OLD SPEND THAT
MONEY ON FIVE YEAR OLD SHIT--
YOU KNOW, LIKE A SLINKY, OR
PLAY-DOH, OR FINGERLINGS.
LITTLE CREATURES FOR YOUR
FINGERS.
MONKEYS.
UNICORNS.
THIS CUNTY LITTLE BIRD.
THEY'RE ADORABLE.
AND THEY MAKE YOU FEEL ALIVE.
AND THE REASON I KNOW THAT IS.
I HAVE ONE ON RIGHT NOW!
BUT EVEN THIS ISN'T MANAGING TO
CHEER ME UP!
YOU'VE FAILED ME!
YOU LITTLE FUCKER.
IT'S FRANKLY NO WONDER THAT--
WHEN YOU COMBINE THE STIGMA OF
RECEIVING A FREE OR REDUCED
PRICE LUNCH, AND THE RISK OF
RACKING UP DEBT-- EVEN KIDS WHO
ARE ELIGIBLE CAN END UP CHOOSING
NOT TO PARTICIPATE.
IN FACT, IN 2019, NEARLY 30
MILLION STUDENTS WERE ELIGIBLE
FOR THE MEALS, BUT ONLY 22
MILLION RECEIVED THEM.
MEANING OVER 7 MILLION ELIGIBLE
STUDENTS MISSED OUT ON MEALS,
WITH EXPERTS ARGUING THAT STIGMA
PLAYED A BIG ROLE IN THAT.
WHICH IS TERRIBLE.
AND AT THIS POINT, I ACTUALLY
HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS.
BECAUSE THERE IS A WAY TO SOLVE
A LOT OF THE PROBLEMS I'VE JUST
SHOWN YOU.
IT'S A POLICY KNOWN AS
"UNIVERSAL FREE MEALS."
BASICALLY, EVERY KID AT EVERY
SCHOOL CAN HAVE BREAKFAST OR
LUNCH, AT SCHOOL, IF THEY WANT
IT.
AND WHILE THAT MIGHT SOUND LIKE
A UTOPIAN DREAM, WE ACTUALLY
ALREADY DID IT, FOR TWO YEARS,
DURING THE PANDEMIC.
FEDERAL LAWMAKERS INTRODUCED A
WAIVER PROGRAM THAT PAID FOR
FREE BREAKFASTS AND LUNCHES FOR
EVERY PUBLIC SCHOOL KID IN THE
COUNTRY, REGARDLESS OF FAMILY
INCOME.
THE WAIVERS ALSO INCREASED THE
REIMBURSEMENT RATE FOR EACH MEAL
BY AROUND 20%.
MEANING SCHOOLS HAD MORE MONEY
TO SPEND ON MAKING AND SERVING
MEALS.
AND EARLY RESEARCH SUGGESTS THAT
HAD REAL BENEFITS.
A SURVEY OF SCHOOL DISTRICTS
REPRESENTING OVER 5 MILLION
STUDENTS, FOUND THAT, IN 2021,
AVERAGE DAILY PARTICIPATION IN
LUNCH INCREASED BY APPROXIMATELY
1.4 MILLION, WITH 95% OF
DISTRICTS REPORTING IT REDUCED
CHILD HUNGER, AND 82% REPORTING
THE PROGRAM SUPPORTED ACADEMIC
ACHIEVEMENT.
IN SHORT, WAY MORE KIDS WERE
EATING EVERY DAY, AND IT WAS
HELPING THEM IN SCHOOL.
THE WAIVER PROGRAM WORKED.
BUT IN JUNE OF 2022, IT EXPIRED.
AND UNFORTUNATELY, SOME
LAWMAKERS WERE COMPLETELY FINE
WITH THAT.
BY RETURNING THESE PROGRAMS
BACK TO NORMAL, WE CAN UPHOLD
OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO TAXPAYERS
AND THE PRINCIPLE THAT AID
SHOULD BE TARGETED AND
TEMPORARY.
John: WOW, THAT'S HEARTLESS.
"AID SHOULD BE TARGETED AND
TEMPORARY" SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING
A REAGAN ACTION FIGURE WOULD SAY
WHEN YOU PULL ITS STRING, ALONG
WITH "TAKE THAT, WELFARE QUEEN!"
AND "JODIE FOSTER SURE WOULD BE
IMPRESSED IF I DIED!"
AND WHEN THE CUTOFF CAME,
TEACHERS WHO SAW THE PROGRAM
ROLL BACK FIRSTHAND CAN TELL YOU
IT WAS ROUGH.
ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL
THIS YEAR, I ANNOUNCED TO MY
STUDENTS THAT SCHOOL LUNCHES
WERE NO LONGER FREE.
AND THIS MOMENT STAYS WITH ME.
THE CONFUSION, THE DARTING EYES,
THE QUESTIONS.
THERE WERE STUDENTS WHO REALIZED
IN THAT MOMENT THAT THEY WERE
NOT GOING TO EAT THAT DAY.
John: FOR FUCK'S SAKE,
NO TEACHER SHOULD HAVE
TO DO THAT, ESPECIALLY THAT ONE,
WHO CLEARLY CARES ABOUT HER
STUDENTS.
I KNOW "THE FUN TEACHER" WHEN I
SEE ONE, AND THAT IS THE FUN
TEACHER RIGHT THERE.
BRIGHT COLOR-BLOCKED OUTFIT, FUN
GLASSES, PURPLE HAIR.
THERE'S A CLASS OF MISFIT
SEVENTH GRADERS FOR WHOM SHE IS
THEIR ABSOLUTE QUEEN.
IF YOU GET ASSIGNED TO MS.
JUNG'S CLASS, YOU ARE MAKING
DIORAMAS, DOING NONSTOP SKITS,
AND YOU'RE BUILDING THE SICKEST
PLASTIC BOTTLE HYDROPONIC GARDEN
SYSTEM IN THE ENTIRE SCHOOL.
MS. JUNG'S GOT PASSES TO THE
SCIENCE MUSEUM OF MINNESOTA, AND
IF YOU GO WITH HER, YOU'RE
TOUCHING A DINOSAUR BONE.
FOR MANY FAMILIES, THE PROGRAM
EXPIRING MEANT THEY HAD TO
NAVIGATE THE ELIGIBILITY FORMS
FOR THE FIRST TIME.
ONE SCHOOL NUTRITION DIRECTOR IN
OHIO SAID SHE HAD TO DENY ONE
SINGLE MOTHER WHO TOLD HER SHE'D
MISSED THE CUTOFF FOR REDUCED
MEALS BY JUST $100 OF GROSS
INCOME.
AND ALL THIS RESULTED IN A LOT
FEWER KIDS GETTING LUNCHES.
AND STUDENTS FROM LOW-INCOME
FAMILIES ACROSS THE COUNTRY ARE
NOW ACCRUING SCHOOL LUNCH DEBT
IN RECORD NUMBERS.
NOW, TO THEIR CREDIT, SOME
STATES HAVE REFUSED TO GO
BACKWARDS, AND THESE EIGHT HAVE
PASSED UNIVERSAL FREE MEAL
PROGRAMS, OFTEN FUNDING THEM OUT
OF STATE BUDGETS.
ALTHOUGH PASSING THOSE LAWS
WASN'T ALWAYS EASY-- IN
MINNESOTA, FOR INSTANCE, YOU'VE
PROBABLY SEEN THE JOYOUS PHOTO
OF TIM WALZ BEING HUGGED BY
SCHOOL KIDS WHEN HE SIGNED HIS
STATE'S PROGRAM INTO LAW.
BUT SOME REPUBLICAN LAWMAKERS
THERE FIERCELY OPPOSED IT,
OFFERING SOME
LESS-THAN-CONVINCING ARGUMENTS.
MR. PRESIDENT, I HAVE YET TO
MEET A PERSON IN MINNESOTA THAT
IS HUNGRY YET TODAY.
I HAVE YET TO MEET A PERSON IN
MINNESOTA THAT SAYS THEY DON'T
HAVE ACCESS TO ENOUGH FOOD TO
EAT.
NOW, I SHOULD SAY THAT HUNGER IS
A RELATIVE TERM, MR. PRESIDENT.
YOU KNOW, I HAD A CEREAL BAR FOR
BREAKFAST.
I GUESS I'M HUNGRY NOW.
John: WHAT AN ASSHOLE.
FIRST, I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU HAD
FOR BREAKFAST, AND SECOND,
THAT'S NOT HOW SOCIETAL PROBLEMS
WORK.
YOU CAN'T JUST GO "I HAVEN'T
SEEN HUNGRY PEOPLE, SO THEY MUST
NOT EXIST."
BEFORE SEEING THIS CLIP, I'D
NEVER SEEN CHRIS PARNELL'S EVIL
MIDWESTERN TWIN, BUT THAT DIDN'T
MEAN YOU WEREN'T OUT THERE,
SUCKING.
AND HE WASN'T THE ONLY OPPONENT
THIS STATE REP SUGGESTED THE
STATE EXPAND THE PROGRAM, BUT
STOP SHORT OF MAKING IT
UNIVERSAL, USING HERSELF AS AN
EXAMPLE OF WHY THAT'D BE TOO
FAR.
WE ARE USING TAXPAYER DOLLARS
TO FEED MY CHILDREN.
I HAVE TWO KIDS IN-- IN
PUBLIC SCHOOLS AT THE NORTH
BRANCH HIGH SCHOOL RIGHT NOW.
THAT MEANS THAT THE TAXPAYERS
ARE SUBSIDIZING ME TO THE TUNE
OF $1,376.
THAT MEANS RIGHT TONIGHT YOU ARE
GIVING ME A $1,376 TAX BREAK.
ME.
THAT'S MY BENEFIT FROM THIS
BILL.
John: OKAY!
YOU'RE WELCOME?
OR MAYBE I'M SORRY THAT HAPPENED
TO YOU?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
YOU'RE SAYING A GOOD THING BUT
YOU SEEM VERY UPSET ABOUT IT.
BUT A FEW THINGS ABOUT THAT, I
KNOW CAPPING ELIGIBILITY MIGHT
SOUND LIKE IT MAKES SENSE, AND
THE STATE ACTUALLY LOOKED INTO
DOING THAT, BUT DECIDED AGAINST
IT, AS IT TURNS OUT, IT WOULD'VE
INCREASED THE ADMINISTRATIVE
COMPLEXITY, AND THE INCREASED
COST WOULD'VE EATEN INTO
WHATEVER SAVINGS THEY MIGHT'VE
SEEN.
ALSO, CRUCIALLY, BY MAKING LUNCH
ACCESSIBLE TO ALL KIDS, THEY
COULD REMOVE THE STIGMA FOR
THOSE WHOSE FAMILY CAN'T AFFORD
IT.
WHICH IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOU
MIGHT REALIZE.
A STUDY IN MASSACHUSETTS FOUND
THAT 42% OF FAMILIES WITH
CHILDREN ELIGIBLE FOR FREE OR
REDUCED PRICE MEALS, REPORTED
THEIR CHILD WOULD BE LESS LIKELY
TO EAT A SCHOOL MEAL IF IT
WASN'T FREE FOR ALL CHILDREN.
WHICH MAKES SENSE.
KIDS ARE PERCEPTIVE.
THEY NOTICE WHO ISN'T TAKING A
LUNCH OR IS FORCED TO EAT A COLD
CHEESE SANDWICH AND THEY
DEFINITELY NOTICE WHOSE HAND GOT
FUCKING STAMPED.
AND LOOK, I'M NOT SAYING THERE
AREN'T COMPLICATIONS HERE.
THERE ARE.
AND DEEP DOWN, YOU ALREADY KNEW
THAT.
AFTER ALL, YOU'RE WATCHING "IT'S
ALWAYS SOMETHING WITH WHITE
URKEL" MAKING THAT MANY MEALS,
CONSISTENTLY, IS DIFFICULT.
REMEMBER, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT
THE BIGGEST RESTAURANTS IN TOWN.
THERE ARE A LOT OF MOVING PARTS,
FROM THE SHEER SCALE OF THE
PROGRAM, TO SOURCING FOOD AND
MAKING IT TASTE GOOD, TO
ADEQUATELY TRAINING AND PAYING
CAFETERIA STAFF.
ALL OF WHICH MEANS UNIVERSAL
FREE MEALS AREN'T CHEAP.
IN MINNESOTA, THEY BUDGETED IT
AT $400 MILLION OVER ITS FIRST
TWO YEARS, BUT IT'S PROJECTED TO
COST ABOUT $80 MILLION MORE THAN
THAT.
THOUGH, PART OF THE REASON FOR
THAT INCREASED COST IS
HIGHER-THAN-EXPECTED
PARTICIPATION IN THE PROGRAM.
WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY A GOOD THING!
BECAUSE, FOR THE FINAL TIME, THE
BENEFITS HERE ARE CLEAR-- AS
THE HEAD OF MINNESOTA'S
DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION SPELLED
OUT.
OUR EDUCATORS THAT I'VE MET
AND THAT WE'VE TALKED TO THIS
ENTIRE FALL CONSISTENTLY TELL ME
THAT THEIR STUDENTS ARE MORE
ATTENTIVE AND THEY'RE READY TO
LEARN.
AND THEY DIRECTLY ATTRIBUTE THIS
TO THE AVAILABILITY OF
NUTRITIOUS MEALS ALL ACROSS THE
STATE OF MINNESOTA AND
THROUGHOUT THE DAY.
John: YEAH.
THAT'S THOUSANDS OF KIDS WHO
AREN'T GOING TO CLASS FEELING
HUNGRY, SHAMED, OR EXCLUDED.
THAT SHOULD BE THE STANDARD IN
ALL 50 STATES.
AND IF IT HELPS, MAYBE WE SHOULD
BE CONSIDERING LUNCH AS AN
ESSENTIAL SCHOOL SUPPLY-- LIKE
BOOKS OR DESKS.
WE ACCEPT THAT THEY'RE
SUBSIDIZED BY THE GOVERNMENT AS
AN INVESTMENT IN KIDS' FUTURES.
AND I'D ARGUE LUNCH SHOULD BE,
TOO-- AND THE WAY TO ACHIEVE
THAT SHOULDN'T BE BY ASKING EACH
STATE TO FUND IT OUT OF THEIR
OWN BUDGET, BUT BY PASSING
LEGISLATION AT THE FEDERAL
LEVEL, SIMILAR TO WHAT WE DID IN
THE EARLY DAYS OF THE PANDEMIC.
BECAUSE WHILE THAT WAS A TRULY
TERRIBLE TIME, IT'S WORTH
REMEMBERING WE GOT SOME MAJOR
STUFF DONE BACK THEN.
WE SOCIALLY DISTANCED, WE
WATCHED "TIGER KING," WE GOT OUR
FAMILIES FAMILIAR WITH ZOOM IN A
WAY WE'RE ALL STILL PAYING THE
PRICE FOR, AND, IT TURNS OUT, WE
FED KIDS.
IN SPEAKING TO EXPERTS FOR THIS
STORY, MANY SAID THAT BEFORE
2020, THEY THOUGHT UNIVERSAL
FREE MEALS WOULD BE INCREDIBLY
BENEFICIAL, AND IT'D ALSO NEVER
HAPPEN.
AMERICA JUST DOESN'T DO THAT
SORT OF THING.
BUT THEN IT DID HAPPEN, AND
SEEMINGLY OVERNIGHT.
AND IN THIS ONE PARTICULAR AREA,
AMERICANS GOT TO EXPERIENCE WHAT
IT WAS LIKE TO HAVE THE FEDERAL
GOVERNMENT BE RESPONSIVE TO THE
NEEDS OF THE VULNERABLE.
AND ONCE YOU SEE WHAT IT LOOKS
LIKE TO HELP KIDS, YOU KINDA
CAN'T UNRING THAT BELL.
IN FACT, YOU SHOULD KEEP RINGING
IT SO FUCKING HARD, THE ROPE
COMES OFF IN YOUR HANDS.
BECAUSE WE HAVE THE POWER TO
ENSURE THAT NO KID IN THE
COUNTRY IS HUNGRY WHEN SCHOOL
GETS DISMISSED.
AND WE SHOULD BE EXERCISING THAT
POWER, AND MAKING SURE THAT ALL
KIDS ARE-- IN THE WORDS OF
AMERICA'S SECOND-FAVORITE
MOONWALKING WEREWOLF OF THE '80S
ROARIN' READY AND ROCK
STEADY, WITH PIZZA, SPAGHETTI,
BURGERS, AND OF COURSE,
DESSERTS.
AND NOW THIS.
Announcer: AND NOW,
PEOPLE ON TV DEBATE WENT TO
DECORATE FOR HALLOWEEN.
I REALLY SAW HALLOWEEN
DECORATIONS OUT.
I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU, I'LL
BE DECORATING BY SUNDAY OR
MONDAY.
OKAY.
JUST DO IT NOW, GET SKELETONS
FROM HOME DEPOT THIS CAN!
I THINK HE WAS SAYING
SOMETHING ABOUT DECORATING FOR
HALLOWEEN, IS IT TOO EARLY?
NO, NEVER TOO EARLY.
CORRECT, IT'S NEVER TOO EARLY
TO PREPARE FOR GOALS AND
"MINIONS."
I'VE GOT TWO NEIGHBORS THAT
HAVE PUT UP ALL OF THEIR
HALLOWEEN DECORATIONS.
I'M GOING TO WAIT UNTIL OCTOBER.
WRONG, IT IS NOT REASONABLE!
COVER YOUR WINDOWS IN PHAKIC
COBWEBS RIGHT NOW
!
IS IT TOO EARLY TO DECORATE
FOR HALLOWEEN?
NO!
WE WERE OUT AND ABOUT EARLY
IN THE MORNING AND THERE WAS A
COUPLE OUTSIDE ALREADY PUTTING
UP THEIR GIANT SKELETON.
THAT'S TWO MONTHS EARLY,
RIGHT?
THAT WOULD BE THAT PAST WEEKEND.
IT BE EQUIVALENT TO OCTOBER 25TH
SEEING CHRISTMAS DECOR.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS, DO THE
FORECAST, BRAD!
DOESN'T MAKE YOU HAPPY?
DO IT.
I BOUGHT A COUPLE OF PILLOWS,
I'M NOT GOING TO LIE.
EVERY HALLOWEEN, WE WATCH A
SCARY MOVIE, WE WATCHED A SCARY
MOVIE LAST NIGHT.
YES, RIGHT NOW!
I'LL TOTALLY WATCH SCARY MOVIES
WITH THEM!
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
John: THAT'S OUR SHOW.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WATCHING.
I'LL BE OUT NEXT WEEK FOR THE
EMMY'S, WE'LL BE BACK AFTER
THEN.
GOOD NIGHT!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪