♪ ♪
John: I'M JOHN OLIVER, THANKS
FOR JOINING US!
IT'S BEEN A BUSY WEEK!
KAMALA HARRIS RELEASED HER
HEALTH RECORDS, WE LEARNED TRUMP
SENT COVID TESTS TO PUTIN EARLY
IN THE PANDEMIC, AND FLORIDA
SPENT THE FIRST PART OF THE WEEK
BRACING FOR HURRICANE MILTON,
WHICH-- AMONG OTHER THINGS--
THREW AN AWKWARD WRENCH INTO
TUESDAY'S "DANCING WITH THE
STARS."
FOR THE FINAL DANCE OF THE
NIGHT, OUR BACHELOR STAR WILL
TANGO TO THE HAIR METAL CLASSIC
"ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE."
NOW, WE WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT
THESE SONGS WERE CHOSEN WEEKS IN
ADVANCE OF THE DEVASTATING
WEATHER EVENTS."
John: YEAH, NOT GREAT!
AND WHILE I'M SURE THE SONG WAS
DECIDED WEEKS AGO, IT'S ALSO THE
MIDDLE OF HURRICANE SEASON!
THIS WASN'T SOME FREAK,
UNFORESEEABLE THING LIKE IF
YOU'D HAD TO COME OUT AND SAY,
"BEFORE OUR CONTESTANTS CHA-CHA
TO THE THONG SONG, WE WANT YOU
TO KNOW, IT WAS CHOSEN WEEKS
BEFORE THIS MORNING'S TRAGIC
MASS THONG-STRANGLING.
PLEASE STAY STRONG.
STRONG, STA-STRONG STRONG
STRONG."
MILTON'S DAMAGE WAS EXTENSIVE,
AND AWFUL.
THOUGH, THANKFULLY, IT WASN'T AS
DIRE AS MANY HAD PREDICTED.
THE RUN-UP TO THE STORM DID
PROVIDE A REMINDER OF A WEIRDLY
WIDELY-USED METRIC FOR STORM
SEVERITY.
WAFFLE HOUSE IS STILL
MONITORING THE STORM'S IMPACTS.
FEMA OFFICIALS USED THE WAFFLE
HOUSE INDEX AS AN UNOFFICIAL
METRIC DURING DISASTERS.
WE CALL IT THE WAFFLE HOUSE
INDEX, AND IT'S VERY RELIABLE
THE INDEX WORKS AS AN
UNOFFICIAL INDICATOR TO LOCALS
OF THE SEVERITY OF AN IMPENDING
STORM, BASED ON IF THEIR NEAREST
WAFFLE HOUSE IS CLOSED OR NOT.
John: IT'S TRUE-- THERE'S
SOMETHING CALLED A "WAFFLE HOUSE
INDEX."
AND IT'S JARRING TO HAVE
SOMETHING SO IMPORTANT CONVEYED
IN TERMS OF WAFFLE HOUSE.
IT'S LIKE FINDING OUT NORAD
RELIES ON THE "OSHKOSH B'GOSH
NUCLEAR THREAT LEVEL."
WE ARE AT RED OVERALLS,
EVERYONE, GET UNDERGROUND.
THE WAFFLE HOUSE INDEX ACTUALLY
ORIGINATED WITH THE GOVERNMENT.
AROUND 20 YEARS AGO, THIS FEMA
ADMINISTRATOR REALIZED THAT,
WHEN GOING INTO A DISASTER ZONE,
"IF YOU GET THERE AND THE WAFFLE
HOUSE IS CLOSED?"
"THAT'S REALLY BAD.
THAT'S WHERE YOU GO TO WORK."
AND THAT'S PARTLY BECAUSE THE
COMPANY'S HAD A FANATICAL
DEVOTION TO STAYING OPEN.
OVER THE YEARS, IT'S SEEN
BUSINESS SKYROCKET AT
RESTAURANTS THAT REOPENED
QUICKLY AFTER HURRICANES, SO
THEY EMBRACED A BUSINESS
STRATEGY CENTERED AROUND KEEPING
THEIR RESTAURANTS OPERABLE
DURING AND AFTER A DISASTER.
AND THEY KNOW PEOPLE TAKE THIS
SERIOUSLY, BECAUSE WAFFLE
HOUSE'S TWITTER FEED FEATURES
SOBER POSTS LIKE THIS ONE, WITH
MAPS OF WHICH RESTAURANTS ARE
CLOSED, JUST ABOVE NORMAL
WAFFLE-PUSHING ADS LIKE THIS,
READING, "I HAVE A LOT ON MY
PLATE RIGHT NOW."
THAT'S THE MOST JARRING
JUXTAPOSITION OF CONTENT SINCE
SUNNY D ONCE SEEMED TO THREATEN
TO COMMIT SUICIDE.
BY THE WAY, THE TWITTER ACCOUNT
FOR SATAN REPLIED TO THAT, "I
FEEL YOU SUNNY D MY FRIEND," TO
WHICH-- AND THIS TRUE-- SUNNY
D REPLIED "THANK U SATAN."
TWITTER USED TO BE GOOD.
AND LOOK, I COULD TALK ABOUT THE
GRIM SUBTEXT HERE, FROM THE IDEA
THAT AMERICANS PLACE MORE TRUST
IN RESTAURANT CHAINS THAN THEIR
OWN GOVERNMENT, TO THE FACT THAT
SAME CHAIN HAS SOMEHOW MADE "WE
MAKE OUR EMPLOYEES WORK DURING
NATURAL DISASTERS" INTO A
BRANDING OPPORTUNITY.
BUT I'M GOING TO CHOOSE TO FOCUS
ON THE FACT WAFFLE HOUSES HAVE
SOMEHOW BECOME A LIGHT IN THE
STORM-- 11 SCRABBLE TILES OF
BACKLIT HOPE.
WHICH IS WILD COMING FROM A
PLACE THAT OTHERWISE EMBODIES
TOTAL CHAOS, FROM THE FREQUENT
BRAWLS, TO THE STAGGERING
VARIATIONS OF HASH BROWN BOWLS
-- DESCRIBED BY WAFFLE HOUSE AS
"THE JAZZ MUSIC OF THE BREAKFAST
SCENE," WHICH I GUESS MAKES
SENSE, BECAUSE, LIKE JAZZ, THE
IDEA OF A HASH BROWN BOWL SOUNDS
FUN, BUT WHEN YOU ACTUALLY
EXPERIENCE IT, YOU THINK TO
YOURSELF, "THERE'S TOO MUCH
GOING ON HERE, AND I'M NOT SURE
I'M ENJOYING ANY OF IT."
THERE'S ALSO THEIR CHAOTIC
DECISION TO STOCK THEIR
JUKEBOXES WITH
BREAKFAST-SPECIFIC KNOCKOFF
SONGS, LIKE THIS.
♪ RAISIN ♪
♪ (RAISIN TOAST) RAISIN TOAST ♪
♪ RAISIN ♪
♪ (RAISIN TOAST) RAISIN TOAST ♪
♪ THERE ARE RAISINS IN MY
TOAST ♪
♪ RAISIN TOAST ♪
John: YEAH, THAT MAKES SENSE.
"SHERRY, BABY" IS A SONG ABOUT
FRANKIE VALLI BEING HORNY FOR A
GIRL, AND THIS IS BASICALLY
THAT, BUT RAISINS.
HORNY FOR RAISINS.
WHICH, NOT FOR NOTHING, SOUNDS
LIKE IT COULD BE A BELIEVABLE
TITLE OF A JOE BIDEN MEMOIR.
THE POINT IS, WAFFLE HOUSE
COMBINES CHAOS WITH ORDER, AND
NOTHING EXEMPLIFIES THAT MORE
THAN THE BONKERS METHOD THEY'VE
DEVISED FOR LINE COOKS TO KEEP
TRACK OF ORDERS.
BECAUSE THEY DON'T USE SIMPLE
METHODS LIKE "SERVERS WRITING IT
DOWN," OR "PUTTING IT IN A
COMPUTER SYSTEM."
THEY DO SOMETHING FAR MORE
COMPLEX, AS THIS EMPLOYEE SHOWED
ON TIKTOK.
ALL OF OUR ORDERS START ON A
PLATE, RIGHT?
WE USE JELLY PACKETS TO MARK
MOST OF EVERYTHING.
SO THIS IS A QUICK RUNDOWN.
OVER LIGHT?
ALL THE WAY TO THE LEFT.
OVER MEDIUM?
IN THE MIDDLE.
OVER WELL?
ALL THE WAY ON THIS WAY OVER
HERE.
SCRAMBLED ON THIS BOTTOM DOWN TO
THE SOUTH.
ORDER UP ON TOP.
IF THE JELLY PACKET IS FLIPPED
UP LIKE THIS, THIS IS WHITE
TOAST.
WHEAT TOAST.
USING APPLE BUTTER FOR RAISIN
TOAST.
IF YOU THROW A BUTTER JUST ON
THE GRILL LINE, THAT'S A WAFFLE.
FLIP IT OVER?
THAT'S A PECAN WAFFLE.
SOMETIMES, PEOPLE PUT A BLUE
JELLY PACKET ON TOP.
THAT'S A BLUEBERRY WAFFLE.
John: OH, FUCK OFF.
NOT YOU, MAN IN THIS VIDEO.
YOU SEEM LIKE A GREAT HANG, IT'D
BE AN HONOR TO VAPE WITH YOU.
BUT THAT SYSTEM'S LUDICROUS.
WHEN HE OPENED WITH "ALL OUR
ORDERS START ON A PLATE," I
THOUGHT "MAKES SENSE.
FOOD GOES ON PLATE, TAKE ME ON
YOUR JOURNEY."
BUT AS SOON AS HE SAID, "WE USE
JELLY PACKETS TO MARK MOST OF
EVERYTHING"-- I'M OUT.
I DON'T HAVE SPACE IN MY LIFE
FOR JELLY CHOREOGRAPHY.
I CAN'T LEARN THAT CODE, I HAVE
A FAMILY.
"JELLY PACKET DOWN TO THE SOUTH
SCRAMBLED?"
WHAT?
AND THEN "IF YOU FLIP THE JELLY
UP, IT'S WHITE, NO FLIP IT'S
WHEAT?"
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
ARE YOU FUCKING ME?
I CONSIDER MYSELF A SMART MAN--
THE GLASSES-- BUT THE ONLY
THING HE SAID THAT "KIND" OF
MADE SENSE IS THAT BLUE JELLY
EQUALS BLUEBERRY.
NOW, WOULD I HAVE KNOWN THAT TO
ORDER A BLUEBERRY WAFFLE, YOU
HAVE TO PUT BUTTER ON THE GRILL
LINE RIGHT SIDE UP, BLUE JELLY
ON TOP?
NOT IN A MILLION YEARS.
NOT AFTER SEVERAL HINTS!
I FEEL LIKE I'M HAVING A
15-YEAR-OLD EXPLAIN EMOJIS TO
ME.
"LIPSTICK MEANS THURSDAY, BLONDE
HAIRCUT MEANS IBUPROFEN,
BRUNETTE HAIRCUT MEANS PHYSICS
HOMEWORK, AND SHRIMP MEANS
HAIRCUT.
WHY ARE YOU NOT GETTING THIS?"
AND IT GETS WORSE, BECAUSE
HERE'S AN OFFICIAL TRAINING
VIDEO EXPLAINING HOW TO CONVEY A
SANDWICH ORDER.
HERE, YOU CAN SEE I PUT TWO
PICKLE SLICES IN THE NUMBER
THREE POSITION, WHICH TELLS ME
THIS IS A BACON SANDWICH.
IF I ADD A SLICE OF CHEESE TO
THE PLATE, I KNOW THIS IS A
BACON CHEESE SANDWICH.
TO MAKE THIS A BACON EGG AND
CHEESE SANDWICH, I'LL ADD THIS
RIGHT SIDE UP MAYO PACKET TO THE
RIGHT SIDE OF THE PLATE.
DON'T LET THIS MAYO PACK CONFUSE
YOU.
AS LONG AS YOU SEE TWO PICKLES
ON THE PLATE, YOU KNOW THIS IS A
SANDWICH.
John: SORRY, BUT IF IT'S COOL
WITH YOU, I AM GOING TO LET THAT
MAYO PACKET CONFUSE ME.
BECAUSE I FEEL INSANE RIGHT NOW.
I WAS CONFUSED WHEN YOU SAID
"TWO PICKLE SLICES IN THE NUMBER
THREE POSITION MEANS BACON
SANDWICH."
YOU COULD HAVE SAID, "VINCE
VAUGHN AT A CHRISTENING ON
FOURTH OF JULY MEANS CHEESE
OMELET" AND IT WOULD'VE HAD THE
SAME EFFECT ON ME.
BECAUSE WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK AM
I LOOKING AT?
THAT'S A PLATE WITH TWO LOOSE
PICKLE SLICES, A KRAFT SINGLE,
AND AN UNOPENED MAYO PACKET.
THAT'S NOT A FORM OF
COMMUNICATION.
IT LOOKS LIKE DINNER AT THE FYRE
FESTIVAL.
IF YOU WORK AT WAFFLE HOUSE, YOU
MIGHT BE A GENIUS!
I THINK A YOUTUBE COMMENTER
BELOW THAT VIDEO SAID IT BEST:
"I'M A 911 DISPATCHER.
I DEAL WITH GENUINE LIFE OR
DEATH SITUATIONS.
I WOULD RATHER TAKE A SHOTS
FIRED CALL THAN ATTEMPT TO
UNDERSTAND WHATEVER THE FUCK IS
HAPPENING HERE."
THE POINT IS, IN A WORLD THAT
SEEMS TO BE SPIRALING OUT OF
CONTROL, IT SEEMS THERE ARE AT
LEAST A FEW THINGS WE CAN STILL
COUNT ON: WAFFLE HOUSE WILL STAY
OPEN TO A GENUINELY
IRRESPONSIBLE EXTENT.
JELLY MEANS EGGS.
IF YOU PUT A BUTTER CONTAINER
DOWN RIGHT-SIDE UP, YOU'RE
GETTING A WAFFLE.
AND THIS SONG.
♪ ♪
IS NEVER GOING TO LEAVE YOUR
FUCKING HEAD.
AND, NOW THIS.
AND NOW, LOCAL NEWS TRIES TO
MAKE SENSE OF VANDERBILT FANS
THROWING THEIR GOALPOST INTO A
RIVER.
THESE FOOTBALL FANS WERE
ACTUALLY HAPPY AS THEY THREW
THEIR OWN FOOTBALL STADIUM'S
GOLD POST INTO THE
CUMBERLAND RIVER.
THEY WERE CELEBRATED VANDERBILT
UNIVERSITY'S WOULD MAKE OVER
ALABAMA.
SPEAK OF THE STUDENTS MARCHED
SEVERAL MILES AND THEN TOSSED
THE GOALPOST INTO THE CUMBERLAND RIVER.
WHAT'S?
I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY DID
THAT, BUT OKAY.
GOALPOST BEING PARADED DOWN
BROADWAY.
HMM.
YOU KNOW YOU DO?
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THROWING
IT IN THE RIVER, BUT OKAY, GOOD
FOR THEM.
THAT'S CRAZY, OH, MY
GOODNESS.
GOOD TIMES FOR THEM.
RIGHT.
THIS IS THEFT, DESTRUCTION OF
PROPERTY.
...
RIGHT?
I DON'T KNOW.
YOU ARE RIGHT.
PARADED AROUND IN THE STREET
AND THROW IT IN THE WATERWAY?
HOW MANY LAWS ARE WE BREAKING
HERE?
HAVE YOU BEEN TO BROADWAY
BEFORE?
IF YOU GO DOWN THERE AND PEOPLE
ARE EXCITED ABOUT SOMETHING,
IT'S NEVER--
A FREE-FOR-ALL, JUST DO WHAT
I WANT ON BROADWAY?
YES.
PEOPLE THROW STUFF IN THE
CUMBERLAND ALL THE TIME.
CHEESEBURGERS, FURNITURE.
I CAN'T.
John: MOVING ON.
OUR MAIN STORY TONIGHT IS ABOUT
VOTING.
THE ONLY ADULT ENDEAVOR THAT
GIVES OUT STICKERS.
WHICH IS A SHAME.
THERE SHOULD BE MORE OF THEM.
"I VOTED" IS NICE, BUT I'D ALSO
LIKE "I WENT TO THE DENTIST," OR
"I DID MY TAXES," OR "I JOGGED,"
OR "FULL DISCLOSURE, I DIDN'T GO
TO THE DENTIST" I MADE AN
APPOINTMENT FOR THE DENTIST, BUT
THAT ISN'T NOTHING."
THAT SAID, GETTING A STICKER FOR
VOTING IS CERTAINLY WELCOME, AND
AS WE'VE MENTIONED BEFORE, IF
YOU LIVE IN MICHIGAN, YOU MIGHT
GET A REALLY GOOD ONE THIS YEAR.
12 YEAR OLD JANE HYNOUS IS
THE ARTIST BEHIND THIS CREATION.
IT'S ACTUALLY ONE OF NINE
STICKERS THAT MICHIGAN VOTERS
WILL RECEIVE AFTER CASTING THEIR
BALLOTS.
I WANT IT TO BE A SYMBOL OF
POWERFULNESS.
I WANT PEOPLE TO BE
PROUD OF IT WHEN THEY'RE VOTING.
WHEN THEY ACTUALLY GET THE
STICKER, IT'S LIKE "HEY, I JUST
VOTED," AND, YOU KNOW, IT'S
PRETTY ENCOURAGING, I THINK.
John: YEAH, IT IS!
AND THE FOUNDING FATHERS SHOULD
FRANKLY BE ASHAMED THEY DIDN'T
COMPLIMENTARY WEREWOLF SWAG.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT TOOK NEARLY
250 YEARS FOR A YOUNG MICHIGAN
GENIUS TO SOLVE THAT OBVIOUS
FLAW IN OUR DEMOCRACY.
THIS ELECTION IS INEXPLICABLY
CLOSE.
THE AVERAGE OF POLLS IN THE
SEVEN KEY BATTLEGROUND STATES
ALL SHOW THE CANDIDATES WITHIN
ONE OR TWO POINTS.
AND IF YOU HEARD THAT AND DIDN'T
SHIT YOURSELF, CONGRATULATIONS,
YOU JUST EARNED A STICKER FOR
THAT.
CLEARLY WE DON'T KNOW WHAT'S
AHEAD ON ELECTION NIGHT, THOUGH
I CAN CONFIDENTLY PREDICT A FEW
THINGS.
FIRST: A LITTLE KHAKI NERD ARMED
WITH A TOUCHSCREEN WILL INSPIRE
SOME OF THE MOST DEPRAVED THIRST
TWEETS THE INTERNET'S EVER SEEN.
SECOND, REGARDLESS OF THE
RESULTS, NATE SILVER WILL TWEET
"ACTUALLY, THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT
I SAID COULD HAPPEN" IN A HEATED
ARGUMENT WITH A 14-YEAR-OLD WITH
A SPONGEBOB AVATAR WHO ONLY
TWEETS "NATE SILVER PEES UPSIDE
DOWN."
AND FINALLY: IF TRUMP LOSES, HE
WILL NOT CONCEDE GRACEFULLY.
HE'S ALREADY SAID HE'LL ONLY
ACCEPT THE RESULTS "IF IT'S A
FAIR AND LEGAL AND GOOD
ELECTION."
AND HE'S BEEN LAYING THE
GROUNDWORK TO CRY FOUL IF HE
LOSES.
THE ONLY THING THEY DO WELL,
THEY CHEAT.
THEIR POLICIES ARE NO GOOD.
THEIR GOVERNMENT IS NO GOOD.
THEIR MANAGEMENT IS NO GOOD, BUT
THEY CHEAT LIKE NOBODY CAN
CHEAT.
THEY CHEAT.
THEY CHEATED IN THE LAST
ELECTION AND THEY'RE GONNA CHEAT
IN THIS ELECTION.
LOOK: IF WE CAN KEEP THE
CHEATING DOWN TO A MINIMUM,
BECAUSE THESE PEOPLE CHEAT -
THEY CHEAT LIKE HELL.
IF WE CAN KEEP IT DOWN TO A
MINIMUM, WE WIN EASILY.
WE HAVE TO VOTE, AND WE HAVE TO
MAKE SURE THAT WE STOP THEM FROM
CHEATING, BECAUSE THEY CHEAT
LIKE DOGS.
John: LOOK: I GET HE'S JUST
TRYING TO RILE UP HIS BASE, BUT
I WON'T SIT IDLY BY WHILE HE
SLANDERS DOGS.
HEY, DOGS: LOOK AT ME.
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.
YOU ARE SPECIAL.
YOU MATTER.
AS FOR CATS?
YOU DON'T NEED MY VALIDATION,
AND YOU KNOW IT.
TRUMP AND HIS CAMPAIGN HAVE
CO-OPTED THE PHRASE "ELECTION
INTERFERENCE" TO REFER TO PRETTY
MUCH ANYTHING: FROM THE MULTIPLE
INDICTMENTS AGAINST HIM, TO THE
FED'S RECENT DECISION TO CUT
INTEREST RATES, WITH TRUMP AT
ONE POINT EVEN POSTING "ELECTION
INTERFERENCE, NEVER SURRENDER!"
WITH HIS OWN MUGSHOT.
AND FOR THE RECORD, THAT'S A
TERRIBLE MUGSHOT.
JOHNNY CASH?
THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT: LAID-BACK,
COOL.
FRANK SINATRA?
MY MY MY, THAT GUY FUCKS, AM I
RIGHT, RONAN?
TRUMP'S, ON THE OTHER HAND,
LOOKS LIKE THE PHOTOGRAPHER
ASKED HIM IF HE COULD SHIT FROM
STANDING.
THE POINT IS, WE NEED BE READY
FOR THE POSSIBILITY THE MESS
THAT HAPPENED LAST TIME COULD
HAPPEN AGAIN.
ESPECIALLY BECAUSE TRUMP HASN'T
FACED ANY REAL CONSEQUENCES FOR
IT, EVEN BRAGGING HE'S BECOME
MORE POPULAR IN THE WAKE OF HIS
INDICTMENT.
IT'S SO CRAZY THAT MY POLL
NUMBERS GO UP.
WHOEVER HEARD, YOU GET INDICTED
FOR INTERFERING WITH A
PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION WHERE
YOU'RE-- HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO DO
IT, YOU GET INDICTED, AND YOUR
POLL NUMBERS GO UP.
John: YEAH, IT IS FUCKING
CRAZY!
WHEN THE WATERGATE TAPES CAME
OUT, NIXON HAD TO RESIGN IN
DISGRACE.
IF IT HAPPENED TODAY, HE'D
PROBABLY BE ABLE TO RELEASE THEM
ALL AS AN AUDIOBOOK AND WIN A
GRAMMY.
BUT IT'S MORE THAN JUST TALK.
TRUMP AND HIS SUPPORTERS HAVE
TAKEN ACTIVE STEPS TO UNDERMINE
THE UPCOMING ELECTION.
AND GIVEN IT'S NOW JUST OVER
THREE WEEKS AWAY, LET'S TALK
ABOUT SOME OF THE ATTEMPTS
THEY'VE MADE TO SUBVERT THIS
ELECTION.
AND WE'RE GOING TO FOCUS ON A
FEW AREAS: THE LIES THEY'VE TOLD
TO UNDERMINE CONFIDENCE IN THE
PROCESS, THE STEPS THEY'VE TAKEN
TO SOW CHAOS IN THE VOTER ROLLS,
AND THE GROUNDWORK THEY'VE LAID
TO TURN THE POST-ELECTION PERIOD
INTO A NIGHTMARE.
AND LET'S START BY BRIEFLY
REVISITING WHAT HAPPENED LAST
TIME.
BECAUSE YOU PROBABLY REMEMBER
THE BIGGEST HEADLINES-- TRUMP
REFUSING TO CONCEDE WHICH
ULTIMATELY LED TO JANUARY 6th--
BUT SO MUCH OTHER WEIRD SHIT
HAPPENED YOU MAY'VE BLOCKED OUT.
LIKE WHEN GIULIANI INSISTED WILL
SMITH'S LATE FATHER HAD VOTED,
OR WHEN THE THEORY SPREAD THAT
AN ITALIAN DEFENSE CONTRACTOR
WORKED WITH U.S. INTELLIGENCE TO
RIG THE ELECTION, OR WHEN A
GROUP CALLED "CYBER NINJAS,"
AUDITED THE BALLOTS IN ARIZONA
-- AND AS THIS OUTSIDE OBSERVER
NOTED, THEY WERE LOOKING FOR THE
WEIRDEST POSSIBLE SMOKING GUN.
THERE'S ACCUSATIONS THAT
40,000 BALLOTS WERE FLOWN IN.
TO ARIZONA?
TO ARIZONA, AND IT WAS
STUFFED INTO THE BOX.
OKAY?
AND IT CAME FROM THE SOUTHEAST
PART OF THE WORLD, ASIA.
OKAY?
AND - AND WHAT THEY'RE DOING IS
TO FIND OUT IF THERE'S BAMBOO IN
THE PAPER.
John: YEAH-- "CYBER NINJAS"
TRIED TO PROVE FOREIGN
INTERFERENCE BY LOOKING FOR
BAMBOO IN THE BALLOT PAPER,
WHICH FEELS LIKE THE PLOT OF A
RACIST STRAIGHT-TO-STREAMING
POLITICAL THRILLER WHERE STEVEN
SEAGAL SAVES PRESIDENT JAMES
WOODS FROM WOKENESS.
THE LAST ELECTION WAS INCREDIBLY
DUMB, BUT LET'S NOT FORGET: IT
WAS ALSO INCREDIBLY STUPID.
AND ALL THIS HAPPENED DESPITE A
JOINT STATEMENT FROM FEDERAL
ELECTION INFRASTRUCTURE
OFFICIALS, CALLING IT THE MOST
SECURE ELECTION IN AMERICAN
HISTORY.
NOW, THE GOOD NEWS IS, THERE'VE
BEEN SOME POSITIVE DEVELOPMENTS
SINCE THEN.
CONGRESS PASSED THIS ACT WHICH,
AMONG OTHER THINGS, EXPLICITLY
PREVENTS A VICE PRESIDENT FROM
JUST THROWING OUT VOTES THEY
DON'T LIKE, AS TRUMP FAMOUSLY
URGED PENCE TO DO.
ALSO, TRUMP'S NOT AN INCUMBENT
THIS TIME, SO HE CAN'T DO THINGS
LIKE PRESSURE THE DOJ TO
LEGITIMIZE CLAIMS OF FRAUD.
AND FINALLY, THE ELECTION
DENIERS WHO RAN TO BE THE CHIEF
ELECTION OFFICERS IN SWING
STATES IN 2022 ALL LOST.
THAT'S GREAT!
UNFORTUNATELY, IT'S ALSO
BASICALLY THE END OF THE GOOD
NEWS HERE.
BECAUSE THE FALSE CLAIMS OF
ELECTION FRAUD HAVE STUCK.
A POLL IN JANUARY FOUND MORE
THAN ONE-THIRD OF AMERICANS
STILL DO NOT ACCEPT BIDEN'S
VICTORY AS LEGITIMATE.
AND TRUMP AND HIS ALLIES HAVE
BEEN RAMPING UP THEIR LIES AS
ELECTION DAY APPROACHES.
AND I WANT TO FOCUS ON ONE IN
PARTICULAR: THE CLAIM THAT A LOT
OF NON-CITIZENS ARE GOING TO BE
VOTING.
THAT CLAIM'S NOTHING NEW FOR
TRUMP, OR INDEED REPUBLICANS,
BUT HE'S NOW PUSHING IT LIKE
NEVER BEFORE.
RIGHT NOW, YOU HAVE ILLEGAL
ALIENS COMING INTO OUR COUNTRY,
MANY FROM PRISONS AND MANY FROM
MENTAL INSTITUTIONS, AND THEY
WANT TO GIVE THEM VOTES.
A LOT OF THESE ILLEGAL
IMMIGRANTS COMING IN, THEY'RE
TRYING TO GET THEM TO VOTE.
THEY CAN'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH,
THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT
COUNTRY THEY'RE IN, PRACTICALLY,
AND THESE PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO
GET THEM TO VOTE.
THEY ARE WORKING FULL TIME TO
SIGN THESE PEOPLE-- MANY OF
THEM MURDERERS-- TO VOTE SO
THEY CAN CHEAT ON THE ELECTION.
John: SKIPPING THE FACT THAT
THIS THEORY'S CAKED IN RACISM;
HOW DOES IT EVEN MAKE SENSE?
YOU REALLY THINK PEOPLE WOULD
FLEE THEIR HOMES, TRAVEL UNDER
DANGEROUS CONDITIONS TO ENTER
THIS COUNTRY, JUST TO VOTE?
IT'S LIKE ASSUMING SOMEONE WOULD
BREAK INTO A BANK JUST SO THEY
COULD FREE THE PENS FROM THEIR
CHAINS.
WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT?
IT'S NOT WORTH THE RISK!
BUT TRUMP'S NOT ALONE IN PUSHING
THIS CLAIM.
HE HAS SUPPORT FROM CONSERVATIVE
THINK TANKS LIKE THE HERITAGE
FOUNDATION: THE SAME GROUP THAT
BROUGHT YOU "PROJECT 2025,"
WHICH STARTED SOMETHING CALLED
"THE OVERSIGHT PROJECT."
THIS SUMMER, THEY RELEASED THIS
VIDEO, WHICH GOT A LOT OF PLAY
IN RIGHT-WING CIRCLES.
THE APARTMENT COMPLEX "ELIOT
NORCROSS" IN NORCROSS, GEORGIA
IS OCCUPIED PRIMARILY BY
NONCITIZENS.
WE VISITED THE COMPLEX TO ASK
RESIDENTS TWO QUESTIONS: "ARE
YOU A CITIZEN?"
AND "ARE YOU REGISTERED TO
VOTE?"
SHOCKINGLY, 14% OF RESPONDENTS
ADMITTED TO BEING NONCITIZENS
REGISTERED TO VOTE.
WE COME FROM A COMPANY THAT
IS DEDICATED TO REGISTERING
HISPANIC PEOPLE SO THEY CAN VOTE
IN UPCOMING ELECTIONS.
ARE YOU ALREADY REGISTERED?
WE ALREADY VOTED.
YOU ALREADY VOTED?
YES.
ARE YOU A CITIZEN OR•
UH, NO.
NO?
HAVE YOU ALREADY BEEN
REGISTERED OR•
YEAH.
YEAH?
ARE YOU A CITIZEN OR•
NO.
NO?
John: THAT VIDEO GOT BOOSTED
BY ELON MUSK, WHO CALLED IT
"EXTREMELY DISTURBING," AND IT
WENT VIRAL, DESPITE THE FACT THE
OVERSIGHT PROJECT ITSELF
ADMITTED IT WAS UNABLE TO FIND
THE PEOPLE THEY TALKED TO ON THE
STATE VOTER ROLLS.
AND STATE INVESTIGATORS FOUND NO
EVIDENCE THAT ANY OF THE SEVEN
PEOPLE ON THAT TAPE HAD EVER
REGISTERED TO VOTE.
MEANWHILE, ONE OF THE WOMEN
FEATURED CONFIRMED SHE WASN'T
REGISTERED TO VOTE, AND ONLY
SAID SHE WAS BECAUSE SHE JUST
WANTED THEM TO GO AWAY.
AND NO SHIT.
I DON'T CARE WHO'S AT THE DOOR:
I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU.
IT COULD BE ME COMING FROM THE
FUTURE WITH A DIRE NECESSARY
WARNING: I'M NOT LISTENING, I'M
JUST NODDING, AND I'M SLOWLY
CLOSING THE DOOR AS WE'RE
TALKING.
AND YET THEY CLAIMED THAT, IF
THE 14% HIT RATE THEY'D FOUND
HELD TRUE STATE WIDE, IT'D
EQUATE TO OVER 47,000
NON-CITIZENS REGISTERED TO VOTE
IN GEORGIA.
AND LOOK, OBVIOUSLY THE IDEA
THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF
NON-CITIZENS VOTING IS
RIDICULOUS.
FOR ONE THING, WHEN GEORGIA
LOOKED BACK OVER 25 YEARS OF ITS
ELECTIONS, IT FOUND THAT OF THE
1,600 PEOPLE WHO'D TRIED TO
REGISTER TO VOTE, AND WHOSE
CITIZENSHIP COULD NOT BE
VERIFIED, NONE OF THEM HAD CAST
BALLOTS.
PLUS, AN ANALYSIS OF THE
HERITAGE FOUNDATION'S OWN
NATIONWIDE DATABASE OF 1,500
"PROVEN INSTANCES OF VOTER
FRAUD" FOUND JUST 68 DOCUMENTED
CASES OF NONCITIZENS' VOTING,
GOING ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE
1980S, WITH JUST 10 INVOLVING
PEOPLE LIVING IN THE COUNTRY
ILLEGALLY.
10 PEOPLE IN THE LAST FOUR
DECADES.
THAT'S STATISTICALLY NOTHING.
MORE PEOPLE DIE FROM HIPPO
ATTACKS EVERY YEAR.
JUST SOMETHING FUN TO THINK
ABOUT NEXT TIME YOU'RE FAWNING
OVER PICTURES OF MOO DENG.
SHE COULD KILL YOU.
SHE WOULD KILL YOU.
AND HAPPILY.
AND THAT VIDEO ISN'T EVEN THE
WEIRDEST LIE ABOUT NON-CITIZENS
THAT'S BEEN PASSED AROUND.
MARIA BARTIROMO SPREAD THIS
DOOZY.
WHAT ABOUT ALL THESE
IMMIGRANTS AT THESE DMV OFFICES
WHERE PEOPLE ARE GOING TO TRY TO
GO GET A LICENSE?
THEY CAN'T GET AN APPOINTMENT AT
THE DMV, BECAUSE IT'S JAM PACKED
WITH ILLEGALS.
THE PERSON THAT SPOKE TO ME
ABOUT THIS THIS WEEKEND
IDENTIFIED SEVERAL PLACES IN
TEXAS WHERE HE COULDN'T GET IN.
THE FIRST ONE WAS IN
WEATHERFORD: A MASSIVE LINE OF
IMMIGRANTS GETTING LICENSES.
THEY HAD A TENT AND A TABLE
OUTSIDE THE FRONT DOOR OF THE
DMV REGISTERING THEM TO VOTE.
IT WAS ALL-- THE SIGNS WERE IN
SPANISH.
IT WAS AN OBVIOUS DEMOCRAT
OPERATION ON THIS VOTING, HE
SAID.
John: OKAY, WE'LL GET INTO
WHY THAT'S NONSENSE IN A SECOND,
BUT I'M GENUINELY CURIOUS ABOUT
THE PERSON WHO SAW A MASSIVE
LINE AT THE DMV AND THEIR
INSTINCT WAS "THIS MUST BE
'ILLEGALS' REGISTERING TO VOTE"
AND NOT "THE DMV FUNCTIONING
LIKE IT HAS SINCE THE DAWN OF
TIME."
DO THEY BLAME ALL COMMON
INCONVENIENCES ON IMMIGRATION?
"SHIT, BURNED MY MOUTH ON THIS
COFFEE.
THE ILLEGALS MUST BE BREWING IT
EXTRA HOT TO BURN OUR TONGUES
INTO SILENCE!"
AND WHILE YOU MIGHT
INSTINCTIVELY KNOW THAT CLAIM IS
BULLSHIT, IT'S EVEN DUMBER THAN
YOU THINK, AS BARTIROMO
EXPLAINED HER SOURCE WAS "A
FRIEND OF A FRIEND'S WIFE."
SOMETHING THAT DIDN'T STOP HER
HAPPILY REGURGITATING IT ON THE
NEWS.
AND IF YOU LIKE THAT, YOU CAN
FIND WELL-SOURCED STORIES LIKE
IT ON "FORWARD FORWARD FORWARD
FORWARD WITH YOUR DRUNKEST
AUNT," SUNDAYS AT 10:00 ON FOX
BUSINESS.
UNSURPRISINGLY, THOSE CLAIMS
WERE QUICKLY DEBUNKED.
FOR ONE THING, WEATHERFORD,
TEXAS, DOESN'T HAVE A DMV.
AND IN THE PLACE YOU CAN GET A
DRIVERS' LICENSE-- THE
DEPARTMENT OF PUBLIC SAFETY--
NO SUCH TENTS OR TABLES WERE SET
UP OUTSIDE THE OFFICE ALL THAT
WEEK.
AND, EVEN IF THIS HAD HAPPENED
-- WHICH IT DIDN'T-- AS THE
LOCAL GOP CHAIR EXPLAINED, ALL
VOTER REGISTRATIONS ARE UPLOADED
TO THE TEXAS SECRETARY OF
STATE'S DATABASE TO VERIFY
APPLICANTS' ELIGIBILITY TO VOTE,
INCLUDING CITIZENSHIP, AND NOT
ONLY HAD THERE BEEN NO RECENT
INSTANCES OF INELIGIBLE
INDIVIDUALS ATTEMPTING TO
REGISTER IN THAT COUNTY: THERE
HAD ONLY BEEN TWO IN THE LAST 15
YEARS.
AND YET, JUST TWO DAYS AFTER
BARTIROMO SPEWED THAT ON
NATIONAL TV, TEXAS AG KEN PAXTON
ANNOUNCED AN INVESTIGATION INTO
"REPORTS THAT ORGANIZATIONS MAY
BE ILLEGALLY REGISTERING
NONCITIZENS TO VOTE."
AND THAT'S ACTUALLY A PATTERN
FOR PAXTON.
HE'LL LOUDLY START VOTER FRAUD
INVESTIGATIONS, AND EVEN WHEN
THEY AMOUNT TO NOTHING, HE'LL
HAVE CREATED THE IMPRESSION
SOMETHING'S THERE.
IN FACT, THE SAME DAY HE
ANNOUNCED HE WAS LOOKING INTO
BARTIROMO'S CLAIMS, HIS OFFICE
ANNOUNCED A SEPARATE
INVESTIGATION INTO ALLEGATIONS
OF ELECTION FRAUD AND VOTE
HARVESTING TARGETING MEMBERS OF
LULAC-- THE NATION'S OLDEST AND
LARGEST LATINO CIVIL RIGHTS
ORGANIZATION.
SOME OF ITS MEMBERS-- LIKE THIS
WOMAN-- WERE EVEN SUBJECTS OF
AN EARLY-MORNING RAID.
THEY SCARED THE HELL OUT OF
ME.
87-YEAR-OLD LIDIA MARTINEZ,
WHO SAYS SHE IS LULAC'S
LONGEST-SERVING VOLUNTEER, HAD
HER HOME RAIDED AS PART OF A
VOTER FRAUD INVESTIGATION BY THE
TEXAS ATTORNEY GENERAL.
MARTINEZ SAYS UP TO EIGHT
OFFICERS SHOWED UP AT HER HOME
LAST TUESDAY MORNING.
THEY TOOK HER PHONE, HER LAPTOP,
QUESTIONED HER FOR HOURS, AND
MADE HER WAIT OUTSIDE.
I SAID, "LET ME GET DRESSED,"
AND SHE SAYS, "NO, GO OUTSIDE."
WHAT WERE YOU WEARING?
MY NIGHTGOWN, AND I HAD ALL
THESE POLICEMEN AROUND ME.
IT WAS EMBARRASSING,
HUMILIATING.
I WAS SO ANGRY.
IT WAS HORRIBLE.
John: YEAH, THEY HAULED AN
87-YEAR-OLD GREAT-GRANDMOTHER
OUT OF HER HOME IN HER
NIGHTGOWN, WHICH IS APPALLING.
PAXTON SHOULD KNOW, AS WE ALL
DO, A NIGHTGOWN IS ONE OF THE
WORST THINGS TO HAUL A GRANDMA
OUT IN, RIGHT AFTER, WELL
OBVIOUSLY, COFFIN-- DUH-- BUT
THEN THERE'S A UHAUL, AN
ANACONDA, AND FINALLY A NOVELTY
T-SHIRT READING "I SHAVED MY
BALLS FOR THIS."
I THINK THAT'S THE WORST ONE.
AND WHILE, THANKFULLY, A FEDERAL
JUDGE RECENTLY SHUT DOWN THAT
INVESTIGATION, SAYING IT WAS
UNCONSTITUTIONAL, THE FACT IS
LIES AND BULLSHIT INVESTIGATIONS
HAVE REAL CONSEQUENCES.
51% OF ADULTS ARE APPARENTLY
CONCERNED ABOUT NON-CITIZENS
VOTING IN THE UPCOMING ELECTION,
INCLUDING 83% OF REPUBLICANS.
AND SOME AREN'T WAITING FOR THE
KEN PAXTONS OF THE WORLD TO TAKE
ACTION.
WHICH BRINGS US TO THE FACT
THERE ARE NOW WELL-FUNDED GROUPS
ACTIVELY TRYING TO, IN THEIR
WORDS, "CLEAN UP" THE VOTER
ROLLS.
HERE'S THE HEAD OF ONE OF THEM,
"THE ELECTION INTEGRITY
NETWORK," EXPLAINING THE GENERAL
IDEA
I REALIZED THAT WE NEEDED TO
FOCUS ON THIS THREAT OF ILLEGALS
VOTING IN NOVEMBER, BECAUSE I
ABSOLUTELY BELIEVE THAT THAT IS
HOW THEY ARE PLANNING TO TRY TO
STEAL THE ELECTION THIS YEAR.
THE ONLY WAY WE'RE GOING TO--
WE'RE GOING TO BE ABLE TO STOP
THIS IS BY HAVING CITIZEN
ACTION, LOOKING AT THE DMVS,
LOOKING AT THE VOTER ROLLS IN
YOUR COUNTY, LOOKING AT THE
VOTER ROLLS, WATCHING AND
BASICALLY CREATING A NATIONAL
NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH TO TRY TO
FIND THESE POCKETS OF
NONCITIZENS THAT ARE GETTING
ADDED TO THE ROLLS.
John: OKAY.
FIRST, LET'S AGREE, EVERY
"RUMBLE" SHOW LOOKS LIKE A HIGH
SCHOOL A/V CLUB MEMBER
INTERVIEWING THE ASSISTANT
PRINCIPAL AFTER A SCHOOL-WIDE
HEELIES BAN.
BUT ALSO-- "A NATIONAL
NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH?"
IT'S NOT GREAT THE MODEL THEY
WANT TO EMULATE IS BASICALLY
"WHAT IF RACIAL PROFILING WAS
SOMEONE'S HOBBY?"
THAT WOMAN IS A CONSERVATIVE
ACTIVIST NAMED CLETA MITCHELL,
AND FOR THE PAST THREE YEARS,
MEMBERS OF HER GROUP HAVE, AMONG
OTHER THINGS, BEEN SCRUTINIZING
VOTER ROLLS, LOOKING FOR ANYONE
THEY THINK SHOULDN'T BE ON
THERE.
AND THEY HAVEN'T ALWAYS BEEN SHY
ABOUT WHAT THEY'RE LOOKING FOR.
IN ONE ZOOM SESSION, AN ACTIVIST
FROM THE DETROIT AREA SUGGESTED
SEARCHING ROLLS FOR CERTAIN
TYPES OF SURNAMES, SAYING THAT
"I THINK IT'S UNFORTUNATE, BUT
SOMETIMES THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN
FIND OUT IS TO LOOK FOR ETHNIC
NAMES."
AND THANK GOODNESS THEY PREFACED
THAT WITH "I THINK IT'S
UNFORTUNATE."
FOR A MINUTE, I THOUGHT THAT
INSTRUCTION TO DO RACISM WAS
COMING FROM A BAD PERSON.
BUT IT DOESN'T STOP THERE.
GROUPS LIKE MITCHELL'S ARE NOW
WORKING WITH COMPUTER PROGRAMS
LIKE THESE, THAT AUTOMATE THE
PROCESS OF FINDING VOTERS TO
CHALLENGE.
FOR INSTANCE, THIS ONE TRAWLS
THROUGH EVERYTHING FROM PUBLIC
VOTER REGISTRATION DATA, TO
BUSINESS RECORDS, TO
CHANGE-OF-ADDRESS DATABASES, TO
OBITUARIES TO FIND PEOPLE TO
CHALLENGE, BECAUSE THEY MAY'VE
DIED, MOVED, OR BE OTHERWISE
INELIGIBLE.
USERS CAN THEN MAKE POTENTIALLY
THOUSANDS OF CHALLENGES TO VOTER
ELIGIBILITY WITH A FEW CLICKS,
AND SEND THEM TO LOCAL ELECTION
OFFICIALS.
AND WHILE THEY OFTEN CLAIM
THEY'RE "HELPING" ELECTION
BOARDS DO THEIR JOBS, OFFICIALS
WILL TELL YOU: BEING ON THE
RECEIVING END OF AN AVALANCHE OF
CHALLENGES IS EXHAUSTING--
ESPECIALLY AS THEY'RE USUALLY
JUST REPLICATING WORK THAT'S
ALREADY HAPPENING.
THERE HAVE BEEN DAYS WHERE
I'VE RECEIVED A COUPLE THOUSAND
NAMES.
I'VE HAD TO LOOK EACH OF THOSE
VOTERS UP ONE BY ONE.
ROUGHLY 75-80% OF THE NAMES THEY
GIVE ME WE HAVE ALREADY DEALT
WITH.
AND THE REST OF THE NAMES?
WELL, YOU WOULD CATCH THEM
ANYWAY.
THERE'S SAFEGUARDS BUILT INTO
THE WHOLE SYSTEM FOR ANY ISSUE
YOU CAN DREAM OF.
John: EXACTLY.
THEY'RE BASICALLY JUST CREATING
BUSY WORK FOR THAT MAN, WHO
DOESN'T NEED THAT.
HE WORKS IN A GIANT WAREHOUSE
FULL OF SUITCASES THAT GETS SO
LITTLE NATURAL LIGHT, THE ONLY
PLACE HE CAN GO ON VACATION IS
ON HIS SHIRT.
THAT MAN NEEDS A BEACH, A MAI
TAI, AND FOR ALL THE VIGILANTE
VOTE POLICE TO LEAVE HIM THE
FUCK ALONE.
MOST OF THESE CITIZEN-LED
CHALLENGES ARE EITHER REDUNDANT
-- LIKE HE SAID-- OR FLAWED,
BECAUSE THEY'RE COMPLETELY
RELIANT ON PUBLIC DATABASES THAT
MAY CONTAIN ERRORS, WITHOUT
HAVING ACCESS TO THE PROTECTED
PERSONAL INFORMATION AVAILABLE
TO ELECTION OFFICIALS.
THAT'S WHY PROGRAMS LIKE THESE
CAN OFTEN GENERATE FALSE
POSITIVES LIKE, FOR INSTANCE,
FLAGGING VOTERS WHO SHARED THE
SAME NAME AND BIRTHDATE, BUT ARE
ACTUALLY DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
AND GETTING FLAGGED CAN BE
INTENSELY FRUSTRATING.
JUST LISTEN TO THIS MAN WHO
LIVES IN THE SAME COUNTY WHERE
OUR EXHAUSTED OFFICIAL WORKS.
I HAVE BEEN VOTING HERE FOR
TWO DECADES.
AS WE CAN SEE, I AM REAL.
I AM HERE.
I AM TALKING TO YOU.
IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHY
DANIEL MOSS IS DEFENDING HIS
EXISTENCE, IT'S BECAUSE OF THIS
LIST.
THAT'S MY FIRST NAME.
THAT'S MY LAST NAME.
OF THOUSANDS OF VOTER
REGISTRATIONS IN DENTON COUNTY
BEING CHALLENGED AS INELIGIBLE.
FINDING OUT THAT I'M ON SOME
SORT OF HIT LIST OF PEOPLE WHO
SHOULDN'T BE VOTING.
I WAS-- I WAS PRETTY PISSED
OFF.
DANIEL MOSS'S CHALLENGE CAME
FROM SOMEONE HE DOESN'T EVEN
KNOW.
I WANT TO SAY IT WAS NANCY?
NANCY LIVES IN THE SAME
COUNTY, AND SINGLE HANDEDLY SENT
IN THOUSANDS OF CHALLENGES THIS
YEAR.
NANCY SENDS ME SOMETHING
EVERY DAY.
John: I BET SHE DOES.
YOU CAN HEAR THE EXHAUSTION IN
HIS VOICE THERE.
"NANCY SENDS ME SOMETHING EVERY
DAY.
AND SHE'LL KEEP SENDING ME
THINGS UNTIL I'M A HUSK OF THE
HUSK I AM NOW, AND A GENTLE
BREEZE CARRIES ME AWAY TO SOME
BEAUTIFUL PLACE WHERE THERE ARE
NO MORE NANCYS."
THE POINT IS, JUST A HANDFUL OF
PEOPLE CAN CAUSE A HUGE AMOUNT
OF PROBLEMS.
LAST YEAR, IN WATERFORD,
MICHIGAN, A COUNTY CLERK
IMPROPERLY CUT MORE THAN 1,000
VOTERS FROM THEIR ROLLS IN
RESPONSE TO CHALLENGES FROM ONE
79-YEAR-OLD RESIDENT WHO
BELIEVED THE LAST ELECTION WAS
STOLEN.
AND CHALLENGES HAVE BEEN
PARTICULARLY INTENSE IN THE
SWING STATE OF GEORGIA, WHERE--
BECAUSE OF A NEW STATE LAW--
ANYONE CAN NOW BRING AN
UNLIMITED NUMBER OF CHALLENGES
AGAINST ANYONE IN THEIR COUNTY,
WHICH HAVE TO BE HEARD WITHIN 10
BUSINESS DAYS.
SINCE THAT BILL WAS PASSED, MORE
THAN 180,000 CITIZEN CHALLENGES
HAVE BEEN FILED, WITH THE VAST
MAJORITY BY JUST SIX PEOPLE.
WHICH IS RIDICULOUS!
A GROUP SOWING THAT MUCH CHAOS
SHOULDN'T BE ABLE TO FIT INSIDE
THE TITAN SUBMERSIBLE.
ALTHOUGH, SINCE THEY CAN, I'D BE
HAPPY TO PAY FOR THEIR TRIP.
I HEAR IT'S BEAUTIFUL DOWN
THERE!
GEORGIA VOTERS HAVE BEEN
CHALLENGED FOR STUPID REASONS,
LIKE TINY MISMATCHES BETWEEN
THEIR MAILING ADDRESS AND WHERE
THEY'RE REGISTERED.
THIS MAN SHOWED UP AT A MEETING
LAST SPRING AFTER HE WAS
CHALLENGED, BECAUSE HIS ADDRESS
WAS MISTAKENLY RECORDED AS
"NORTH PINE DRIVE DRIVE" INSTEAD
OF JUST "NORTH PINE DRIVE."
AND THIS WOMAN HAD AN EVEN MORE
INFURIATING STORY.
MY RIGHTS WAS CHALLENGED.
I'VE BEEN STAYING AT THIS SAME
ADDRESS FOR-- SINCE 2011.
VOTERS LIKE LAKENDRA GRAHAM.
SHE SAID SHE LIVED ON
CONFEDERATE AVENUE IN ATLANTA,
THE NAME OF WHICH THE CITY
CHANGED WITH GREAT FANFARE TO
UNITED AVENUE IN 2019.
NOT HER FAULT, SHE TOLD THE
BOARD IN MARCH.
IT'S A WASTE OF MY TIME,
BECAUSE I'M HERE WHEN I HAVE
OTHER THINGS TO DO.
I HAVE A JOB.
John: YEAH, IT'S A WASTE OF
HER TIME, WHICH COULD BE BETTER
SPENT ON WORKING OR SHOPPING OR
FIGURING OUT WHY THE FUCK THAT
STREET NAME WASN'T CHANGED ANY
EARLIER THAN 2019.
AND WHILE THE VAST MAJORITY OF
THESE CHALLENGES FAIL, THEY CAN
HAVE A CHILLING EFFECT.
IN THE WORDS OF ONE ATTORNEY,
THEY'RE "MORE LIKELY TO
DISENFRANCHISE OR INTIMIDATE OR
CONFUSE VOTERS THAN THEY ARE TO
ACTUALLY TURN UP PEOPLE
INELIGIBLE TO VOTE."
WHICH IS BOTH INFURIATING AND,
ONE MIGHT SUSPECT, KIND OF THE
POINT.
AND WHILE SO FAR, WE'VE BEEN
LOOKING AT PREEMPTIVE STRIKES
AHEAD OF THE ELECTION, THERE'S
WANT TO MENTION, WHOSE MAIN
EFFECTS WILL ONLY BE SEEN IN THE
1 FINAL STRING OF FUCKERY I
WANT TO MENTION, WHOSE MAIN
EFFECTS WILL ONLY BE SEEN IN THE
DAYS FOLLOWING NOVEMBER 5th--
AND THAT'S SOME OF THE CHANGES
MADE TO BOARDS THAT CERTIFY
ELECTIONS.
BECAUSE WHILE I MENTIONED THAT
DENIERS WHO RAN FOR CHIEF
ELECTION OFFICER IN SWING STATES
LOST, THERE ARE STILL A
SIGNIFICANT NUMBER ON THE STATE
AND LOCAL LEVEL.
ONE ANALYSIS FOUND THAT IN THESE
SIX KEY SWING STATES, THERE ARE
NEARLY 70 PRO-TRUMP ELECTION
CONSPIRACISTS, WHO ARE CURRENTLY
WORKING AS COUNTY ELECTION
OFFICIALS.
AND MAYBE THE MOST STRIKING
SHIFT HAS BEEN IN GEORGIA, WHERE
-- UNIQUELY AMONG SWING STATES
-- REPUBLICANS ARE IN CHARGE OF
THE GOVERNORSHIP, HOUSE, AND
SENATE.
AND THEY'VE USED THAT POWER
DECISIVELY TO, AMONG OTHER
THINGS, RESHAPE THE FIVE-MEMBER
STATE ELECTIONS BOARD.
THESE THREE TRUMP-FRIENDLY
MEMBERS HAVE NOW BEEN INSTALLED,
ALL OF WHOM HAVE QUESTIONED THE
RESULTS OF THE 2020 ELECTION,
AND TRUMP LOVES THEM SO MUCH, HE
EVEN CALLED THEM OUT BY NAME AT
A RALLY.
THREE MEMBERS, JANICE
JOHNSTON, RICK JEFFARES, AND
JANELLE KING.
THREE PEOPLE ARE ALL PIT BULLS
FIGHTING FOR HONESTY,
TRANSPARENCY, AND VICTORY.
THEY'RE FIGHTING.
ARE THEY HERE?
WHERE ARE THEY?
THANK YOU.
WHAT A JOB.
THANK YOU.
John: WOW.
THE FACT TRUMP'S SHOUTING THEM
OUT LIKE THEY'RE EACH THE
BIRTHDAY BOY OR GIRL AT CHUCK E.
CHEESE ISN'T A GREAT SIGN.
NOR IS IT GREAT THAT ONE OF THEM
RICK JEFFARES, EVEN TOLD A TRUMP
CAMPAIGN ADVISER THAT, IF THEY
WIN IN NOVEMBER, HE WANTS TO
JOIN THEIR ADMINISTRATION,
SAYING "IF Y'ALL CAN'T FIGURE
OUT WHO YOU WANT TO BE THE EPA
DIRECTOR FOR THE SOUTH-EAST, I'D
LIKE TO HAVE IT."
WHICH MIGHT BE THE FIRST TIME
I'VE HEARD OF POLITICAL
CORRUPTION HAVING A VIBE THAT
SCREAMS "NO WORRIES IF NOT."
NOW, I HAVE TO TELL YOU: ALL
THREE HAVE PUSHED BACK ON THE
INSINUATION THEY'RE WORKING FOR
TRUMP, WITH ONE SAYING SHE'S
FACED "CHARACTER ASSASSINATION,
MEDIA MURDER, AND 'LAWFARE
LYNCHING'" AND, TO GET AHEAD OF
YOUR QUESTION, YES IT WAS THE
OLD WHITE LADY WHO SAID THAT.
BUT IN AUGUST AND SEPTEMBER--
INCREDIBLY LATE IN THE ELECTION
CYCLE-- THE BOARD PASSED A
BUNCH OF NEW RULES THAT'LL MAKE
IT MUCH EASIER TO SOW DOUBT IN
THE CERTIFICATION PROCESS.
ONE OF THEM REQUIRES A FULL HAND
COUNT OF BALLOTS IN EACH
PRECINCT TO TAKE PLACE EITHER
THE NIGHT OF THE ELECTION OR THE
NEXT DAY, AND WHICH MUST BE DONE
BY JUST THREE INDIVIDUALS PER
PRECINCT.
WHICH MIGHT SOUND REASONABLE,
BUT AS EXPERTS HAVE EXPLAINED,
THAT HAS THE POTENTIAL TO CAUSE
CHAOS.
I BROUGHT WITH ME 1,872 PAGES
OF PAPER REPRESENTING WHAT A
STACK OF BALLOTS COULD LOOK LIKE
ON A BUSY COUNTING DAY.
AND BUSIER, LARGER PRECINCTS MAY
HAVE EVEN MORE THAN THIS NUMBER.
IF I WERE TO HAND THIS STACK OF
PAPER TO THREE RANDOM PEOPLE IN
THIS ROOM, ESPECIALLY AT THE END
OF A LONG VOTING DAY, AND ASK
THEM TO ARRIVE AT THE SAME TOTAL
NUMBER, DO WE THINK THAT'S
FEASIBLE?
COUNTING LARGE NUMBERS OF
ANYTHING ONE BY ONE IS AN
INCREDIBLY TEDIOUS PROCESS, AND
NOT ONE HUMANS ARE WELL EQUIPPED
FOR.
PEOPLE DOING A HAND COUNT ARE
GOING TO MAKE MISTAKES, WHICH
CAN THEN BE EXPLOITED TO SPREAD
LIES AND SOW FURTHER DISTRUST IN
OUR ELECTIONS AND OUR ELECTION
OFFICIALS.
John: YEAH, OF COURSE.
IF YOU HANDED THREE EXHAUSTED
PEOPLE THAT STACK OF PAPER AND
TOLD THEM TO HAVE THE SAME
NUMBER BY MORNING, YOU'RE NOT
GUARANTEED THE SAME ANSWER.
AT BEST, YOU GET A SCENARIO
THAT'D GIVE MOST PEOPLE A PANIC
ATTACK AND THE COUNT AN INSTANT
ORGASM.
DOZENS OF ELECTION OFFICIALS
HAVE SAID A HAND COUNT OF ALL
THE BALLOTS WOULD BE PHYSICALLY
IMPOSSIBLE IN ALL BUT THE
SMALLEST COUNTIES.
BUT THE THING IS, THAT RULE
MIGHT TRIGGER ANOTHER NEW ONE
THAT BARS COUNTIES FROM
CERTIFYING THE ELECTION UNTIL
OFFICIALS CAN REVIEW AN
INVESTIGATION OF EVERY PRECINCT
WITH INCONSISTENT TOTALS, AND
GIVES COUNTY BOARDS THE POWER TO
EXCLUDE ENTIRE PRECINCTS FROM
THE VOTE TOTALS IF THEY THINK
THEY'RE FRAUDULENT.
WHICH IS WILD.
AND MIGHT BE A PROBLEM, GIVEN
SOME LOCAL ELECTION OFFICIALS
ARE FUCKING NUTS.
FOR INSTANCE, THIS ELECTION
CHAIR IN GEORGIA'S SPALDING
COUNTY TWEETED, JUST THREE DAYS
AFTER JANUARY 6, THIS MESS OF
OFFENSIVE CONSPIRACY THEORIES
INCLUDING THE HASHTAG
#BidenWillNeverBePresident AND
#BidenIsAPedo.
THAT'S NOT SOMEBODY YOU WANT
EMPOWERED TO THROW OUT VOTES.
AND ON TOP OF THAT, YET ANOTHER
NEW RULE EMPOWERS COUNTY
ELECTION BOARD MEMBERS TO
CONDUCT "REASONABLE INQUIRY"
INTO ALLEGATIONS OF VOTING
IRREGULARITIES, WITHOUT SETTING
DEADLINES FOR HOW LONG THEY
MIGHT LAST, OR-- CRUCIALLY--
DEFINE WHAT A "REASONABLE
INQUIRY" EVEN MEANS.
AND THAT'S SOMETHING ONE OF
THOSE NEW TRUMP-FRIENDLY
APPOINTEES SEEMED WEIRDLY
UNCONCERNED ABOUT.
WHY DIDN'T YOU GUYS DEFINE
"REASONABLE INQUIRY?"
I MEAN, YOU GUYS MADE THE RULE.
HOW-- HOW BEST SHOULD WE
DEFINE "REASONABLE?"
I THOUGHT-- WE THOUGHT THAT
MOST PEOPLE KNEW WHAT REASONABLE
IS.
IT'S MORE OF A RHETORICAL
QUESTION.
SO, I-- I DIDN'T THINK WE WOULD
HAVE TO WRITE THE DEFINITION OF
"REASONABLE" WITHIN THE-- THE
RULE.
BUT IF THAT'S THE CASE, WE'LL
POST WHAT THE DEFINITION OF
REASONABLE MEANS.
John: BUT THEY STILL HAVEN'T
DONE THAT YET-- EVEN THOUGH
EARLY IN-PERSON VOTING IN
GEORGIA STARTS THIS WEEK.
AND THAT'S A PROBLEM, BECAUSE
YOU DO NEED TO DEFINE THE WORD
"REASONABLE."
IT'S A SUBJECTIVE TERM, LIKE
"FUNNY" OR "INTERESTING."
THOSE WORDS MEAN SOMETHING
DIFFERENT TO EVERYONE.
I PERSONALLY PROVE THAT EVERY
SUNDAY NIGHT.
I'M DOING IT RIGHT NOW!
EXPERTS SAY THAT "REASONABLE
INQUIRY" RULE COULD ALLOW ROGUE
ELECTION OFFICIALS TO DRAG
INQUIRIES PAST CERTIFICATION
DEADLINES.
AND WHILE COURTS ARE CURRENTLY
HEARING CHALLENGES TO THESE
RULES, IF THEY ALLOW THEM, ONE
POTENTIAL END RESULT IS LOCAL
OFFICIALS IN JUST A HANDFUL OF
RURAL COUNTIES COULD EXCLUDE
ENOUGH VOTES IN GEORGIA TO
AFFECT THE OUTCOME OF THE
PRESIDENTIAL RACE.
AND WHEN YOU TAKE ALL THIS
TOGETHER-- THE LIES ABOUT
IMMIGRANTS VOTING, THE MASS
VOTER CHALLENGES, AND THE
INTRODUCTION OF NEW PROCESSES TO
SLOW DOWN AND QUESTION VOTE
COUNTS-- IT SEEMS DEPRESSINGLY
LIKELY WE'RE ABOUT TO SEE A
STORM OF BULLSHIT JUST LIKE LAST
TIME.
AND THERE ARE A FEW THINGS WE
SHOULD BE READY FOR.
FIRST: UNLESS THERE IS AN
ABSOLUTE LANDSLIDE, WE'RE
UNLIKELY TO KNOW THE OUTCOME OF
THE ELECTION ON NOVEMBER 5TH.
AND WHEN IT COMES TO GEORGIA, IF
HARRIS WINS NARROWLY, WE'LL
ALMOST CERTAINLY SEE LEGAL
BATTLES STRETCHING INTO DECEMBER
OR BEYOND, AND WHICH COULD
EVENTUALLY END UP IN FRONT OF
THESE GUYS, WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY
REASSURING.
AND ALL THE WHILE, TRUMP'LL TRY
AND EXPLOIT ANY DELAY OR
UNCERTAINTY.
UNLESS, THAT IS, HE WINS
OUTRIGHT, IN WHICH CASE, HE'LL
INSIST HE TRIUMPHED OVER A
RIGGED SYSTEM.
SO THAT'S WHAT WE CAN EXPECT.
WHAT CAN WE DO?
WELL, YOU CAN-- AND I HATE
SAYING THIS AS MUCH AS YOU
PROBABLY HATE HEARING IT-- MAKE
A PLAN TO VOTE AND HELP OTHERS
DO THE SAME, SINCE THE CLOSER
THE RACE IS, THE EASIER IT'LL BE
FOR TRUMP TO SOW BULLSHIT.
YOU SHOULD CHECK TO MAKE SURE
YOUR VOTER REGISTRATION IS
CURRENT.
YOU CAN USE THIS WEBSITE TO FIND
LINKS TO YOUR STATE'S VOTER
REGISTRATION VERIFICATION TOOLS.
AT THIS WEBSITE BELOW.
VOTE EARLY IF YOU CAN TO ENSURE
IF THERE'S ANY ISSUE WITH YOUR
REGISTRATION, YOU CAN CLEAR IT
UP BY ELECTION DAY.
IF YOU VOTE BY MAIL, YOU CAN
FIND INFORMATION AT THIS WEBSITE
BELOW.
BUT BEYOND THAT, IT'S GOING TO
BE VITAL TO BE RESILIENT AGAINST
THE STORM OF TOXIC NONSENSE
TRUMP AND HIS ALLIES WILL TRY
AND STIR UP.
IT COULD GO ON FOR MONTHS, AND
BE STUPIDER THAN YOU CAN EVEN
IMAGINE RIGHT NOW.
SO STUPID THAT SOMEONE YOU KNOW,
LOVE OR ARE RELATED TO-- AND
THOSE ARE THREE DIFFERENT THINGS
-- MIGHT EVEN THINK THERE'S
SOMETHING TO IT.
BUT THE KEY THING TO REMEMBER
HERE IS THAT, AS CHAOTIC AS THE
LAST ELECTION WAS, IN THE END,
OUR GUARDRAILS DID HOLD.
AND WE'RE GOING TO NEED TO MAKE
SURE THEY HOLD UP AGAIN.
AND IF WE CAN DO THAT, THEN, AND
ONLY THEN, WE WILL ALL DESERVE
THE SINGLE GREATEST STICKER EVER
DESIGNED.
THAT'S OUR SHOW!
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WATCHING.
WE'RE OFF NEXT WEEK, BACK
OCTOBER 27th, SEE YOU THEN, GOOD
NIGHT!
WOW.
WANT ME TO FEED IT TO YOU?
♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]