♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
John: WELCOME, WELCOME,
WELCOME TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT!"
I'M JOHN OLIVER.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING
US.
IT HAS BEEN A BUSY WEEK, FULL OF
HORRENDOUS HEADLINES, FROM
FROM MILLIONS OF BEES KILLED AND
WILDFIRES TO
TO "MARK ZUCKERBERG JUST DROPPED
A SINGLE WITH T-PAIN."
THAT'S REAL, BY THE WAY.
IT'S A COVER OF "GET LOW"-- A
SONG T-PAIN DID NOT ORIGINALLY
SING-- AND YOU'RE NOT READY FOR
HOW BAD IT IS.
FROM THE WINDOWS TO THE
WALLS, 'TIL SWEAT DROPS DOWN MY
BALLS, 'TIL ALL THESE BITCHES
CRAWL, OH SKEET-SKEET,
MOTHERFUCKER, OH, SKEET-SKEET,
GODDAMN.
John: WOW.
THAT MIGHT BE THE WORST THING
I'VE EVER HEARD.
IT SOUNDS LIKE "KIDZ BOP" FOR
ADULTS, WHERE ALL THE SWEARS ARE
INTACT, BUT THERE'S STILL A DEEP
LINGERING SENSE THAT MUSIC WAS A
MISTAKE.
I DIDN'T EVEN NEED TO PLAY YOU
ALL OF THAT.
I COULD'VE JUST PLAYED THE WAY
HE SANG "MOTHERFUCKER."
NO, NOT LIKE THAT, DON'T
ENUNCIATE THAT CLEANLY!
IT'S LIKE LISTENING TO A RAP BY
THE GOOGLE TRANSLATE VOICE.
IT WAS ALSO A WEEK OF INTENSE
HEADLINES REGARDING TRUMP'S NEW
CABINET APPOINTEES, WHICH WERE
-- EVEN BY HIS LOW STANDARDS--
AWFUL.
FOR HIS AMBASSADOR TO ISRAEL, HE
PICKED A GUY WHO'S SAID THERE'S
"NO SUCH THING AS A
PALESTINIAN."
FOR DIRECTOR OF NATIONAL
INTELLIGENCE, A WOMAN WHO'S
REPEATEDLY PROMOTED RUSSIAN
PROPAGANDA.
FOR SECRETARY OF DEFENSE, A FOX
NEWS HOST WHO-- AMONG MANY
OTHER THINGS-- HAS DEFENDED
SERVICE MEMBERS ACCUSED OF WAR
CRIMES AND SAID WOMEN DON'T
BELONG IN COMBAT.
THE HHS, A CONSPIRACY THEORIST
AND ANTI-VAXXER WITH A WORM IN
HIS BRAIN.
AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF, FOR AG,
MATT GAETZ.
A MAN WHO, IN HIGH SCHOOL, WAS
VOTED "MOST LIKELY TO NOT BE
ALLOWED WITHIN 500 FEET OF
HERE."
THAT PICK WAS SO EXTREME, EVEN
CONSERVATIVES FOUND THEMSELVES
AT A LOSS.
WHEN I HEARD THAT MATT GAETZ
WAS PICKED TO BE ATTORNEY
GENERAL, I THREW UP IN MY MOUTH.
I'M PRETTY SURE I CALLED HIM
A CLOWN AND A CHARLATAN.
AND YOU STAND BY THAT.
YEAH.
IT MUST BE THE WORST
NOMINATION FOR A CABINET
POSITION IN AMERICAN HISTORY.
John: I MEAN, IT MIGHT, BUT
GET USED TO IT.
BECAUSE "THE WORST BLANK IN
AMERICAN HISTORY" IS GOING TO BE
THIS ADMINISTRATION'S M.O. GOING
FORWARD.
SO GET READY FOR THE WORST
EASTER EGG ROLL IN AMERICAN
HISTORY.
THE EASTER BUNNY WILL BE ON
FIRE, EVERY EGG WILL BE FILLED
WITH EXPIRED MAYONNAISE, AND ALL
THE KIDS WHO DON'T WIN WILL BE
IMMEDIATELY PUT INTO FOSTER
CARE.
APPARENTLY, WHEN GAETZ WAS
ANNOUNCED THERE WERE AUDIBLE
GASPS BY HOUSE REPUBLICANS.
AND WHEN A REPORTER ASKED
CONGRESSMAN MIKE SIMPSON IF
GAETZ HAD THE EXPERIENCE AND
CHARACTER TO BE AG, HE
RESPONDED, "ARE YOU SHITTIN' ME,
THAT YOU JUST ASKED THAT
QUESTION?
NO!"
WHICH IS OBJECTIVELY THE CORRECT
RESPONSE TO THE IDEA THIS GUY
COULD BE ATTORNEY GENERAL-- A
MAN WHO MY LAWYERS INSIST I
CANNOT CALL "JEFFREY EPSTEIN IF
HE WENT TO SHITTIER BEACHES."
SO I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT.
BUT IT DIDN'T STOP THERE.
THE HEAD OF GOVERNMENT AFFAIRS
FOR ONE ENVIRONMENTAL ADVOCACY
GROUP TOLD REPORTERS, "LUCKILY,
ALL OUR ENVIRONMENTAL LAWS ARE
OLDER THAN 18 YEARS, SO
REPRESENTATIVE GAETZ SHOULDN'T
HAVE MUCH INTEREST IN THEM."
WHICH IS A SOLID HIT, AND ALSO,
INCREDIBLY GRIM.
BECAUSE AS YOU PROBABLY KNOW,
GAETZ WAS THE SUBJECT OF BOTH A
FEDERAL INVESTIGATION INTO SEX
TRAFFICKING-- WHICH CONCLUDED
LAST YEAR WITHOUT CHARGES-- AND
A HOUSE INVESTIGATION INTO
ALLEGATIONS HE ENGAGED IN SEXUAL
MISCONDUCT AND ILLICIT DRUG USE.
THAT REPORT WAS DUE TO BE
RELEASED THIS WEEK, BUT WAS
EFFECTIVELY ENDED WHEN HE
SUDDENLY RESIGNED TO BECOME THE
COUNTRY'S TOP LAW ENFORCEMENT
OFFICER.
MANY ARE CALLING FOR IT TO BE
RELEASED ANYWAY, AND WHILE GAETZ
HAS DENIED ANY ALLEGATIONS,
DAMNING PARTS ARE ALREADY
LEAKING OUT, INCLUDING THAT ONE
WITNESS TESTIFIED TO THE
COMMITTEE THAT GAETZ HAD SEX
WITH HER WHEN SHE WAS 17 AND
ANOTHER TESTIFIED THAT SHE
WITNESSED IT.
AND YET, THERE'S STILL A
QUESTION OF WHETHER REPUBLICAN
SENATORS WILL REJECT GAETZ'S
NOMINATION.
SOME HAVE EXPRESSED RESERVATIONS
-- LISA MURKOWSKI HAS SAID, "I
DON'T THINK IT'S A SERIOUS
NOMINATION FOR ATTORNEY
GENERAL," AND SUSAN COLLINS
SAID, "I WAS SHOCKED BY THE
ANNOUNCEMENT," "I'M SURE THERE
WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS
RAISED AT HIS HEARING."
ALTHOUGH, DON'T READ TOO MUCH
INTO THAT.
AS WE ALL KNOW, THE SUSAN
COLLINS SCALE OF GOVERNMENT
ETHICS GOES, "CONCERNED, BUT
GONNA VOTE FOR HIM," "SHOCKED,
BUT GONNA VOTE FOR HIM,"
"QUESTIONS RAISED, BUT GONNA
VOTE FOR HIM," AND "OUTRAGED,
BUT FUCK IT, STILL GONNA VOTE
FOR HIM."
AND OTHER REPUBLICAN SENATORS
HAVE BEEN EVEN MORE NONCOMMITAL.
DO YOU THINK MATT GAETZ IS
CONFIRMABLE?
WE'LL FOUND OUT, WON'T WE.
DO YOU HAVE ANY CONCERNS
ABOUT IT?
WE'LL SEE.
SENATOR KENNEDY, WHAT DO YOU
THINK OF MATT GAETZ AS ATTORNEY
GENERAL?
HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
John: YEAH, "HAPPY
THANKSGIVING."
I'D SAY THAT'S THE MOST JARRING
THING THAT KENNEDY COULD'VE SAID
AT THAT MOMENT, BUT I'LL REMIND
YOU, HE COULD HAVE GONE WITH
THIS.
I CAN'T WAIT TO HAVE YOUR
COCK IN MY MOUTH.
John: YEAH, YEAH.
YEAH, THAT'S-- THAT'S THE CLIP
THAT KEEPS ON GIVING, AND
THAT YOU NEVER EVER WANT.
AND LOOK, a LOT CAN HAPPEN WITH
THESE NOMINATIONS BETWEEN NOW
AND INAUGURATION DAY.
SO FOR NOW, LET'S MOVE ON TO OUR
MAIN STORY TONIGHT, WHICH
CONCERNS TIKTOK-- THE SOCIAL
MEDIA APP MANY ARE ADDICTED TO,
THANKS TO ITS COOKING TUTORIALS,
DANCES THAT ARE IMPOSSIBLE FOR
ANYONE BORN BEFORE 1985 TO LOOK
COOL DOING, AND MASTERPIECES
LIKE THIS.
THERE IS TRULY NOTHING I LOVE
MORE THAN WATCHING THIS MAN'S
VIDEOS AND GUESSING WHAT HE'S
MAKING.
OKAY.
OH, LIKE A SUBMARINE--
TOTALLY, A SNAKE.
GOT IT.
John: WHAT A JOURNEY!
AND HONESTLY, I DON'T KNOW HOW
TV'S SUPPOSED TO COMPETE WITH
THAT.
I'D ABSOLUTELY WATCH THAT GUY
HOST A GAME SHOW TITLED
"DICK OR SNAKE?"
IT'S BASICALLY "IS IT CAKE?,"
ONLY WITH SIGNIFICANTLY HIGHER
SNAKE-ON-DICK INJURIES.
TIKTOK IS MASSIVELY POPULAR.
IT HAS MORE THAN A BILLION USERS
WORLDWIDE, AND 170 MILLION
MONTHLY ACTIVE USERS IN THE U.S.
-- WITH FULLY A THIRD OF U.S.
ADULTS-- AND A MAJORITY OF
THOSE UNDER 30-- USING IT.
ALL OF WHICH MAKES IT PRETTY
REMARKABLE THAT IT MAY BE ON THE
BRINK OF GOING AWAY.
BECAUSE YOU MIGHT'VE FORGOTTEN
WITH EVERYTHING ELSE GOING ON,
BUT IN APRIL, THIS HAPPENED.
THIS MORNING, THE CLOCK
BEGINS TICKING DOWN FOR TIKTOK
AFTER THE SENATE LAST NIGHT
PASSED A BILL GIVING THE SOCIAL
MEDIA PLATFORM'S CHINESE PARENT
COMPANY AN ULTIMATUM: "SELL THE
APP OR BE BANNED IN THE U.S."
LAWMAKERS IN BOTH PARTIES SAY
TIKTOK POSES A SERIOUS NATIONAL
SECURITY RISK.
John: IT'S TRUE, TIKTOK COULD
BE BANNED BY JANUARY 19, BECAUSE
IT'S A "SECURITY THREAT."
WHICH SOUNDS FRIGHTENING, EVEN
IF THOSE CLAIMS WERE MADE UNDER
FOOTAGE OF THIS ORANGE FURBALL
GOING TO TOWN ON ITS OWN FEET.
"WE CAN'T LET THE CHINESE GET
THEIR HANDS ON OUR PRIVATE DATA,
LIKE HOW OFTEN DOCTOR TUNA FISH
GIVES HIMSELF "THE FULL
TARANTINO."
THE POINT IS, CONGRESS CAME DOWN
ON TIKTOK HARD.
AND WHEN THAT LAW PASSED-- WITH
BROAD BIPARTISAN SUPPORT, BY THE
WAY-- TIKTOK'S USERS WERE NOT
THRILLED.
AN ARMY OF YOUNG TIKTOK
REBELS ARE TAKING A BREAK FROM
VIRAL DANCE CRAZES AND
CHALLENGES AND COMING TOGETHER
TO STOP THE GOVERNMENT FROM
TAKING AWAY THEIR FAVORITE
SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORM.
THEY'RE USING THEIR PHONES TO
ACTUALLY MAKE PHONE CALLS TO
MEMBERS OF CONGRESS.
DO NOT BAN TIKTOK.
THAT'S NOT ACCEPTABLE.
LIKE, I'M AN 18-YEAR-OLD GIRL
IN MICHIGAN.
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO FOR CHINA?
TAKE MY INFORMATION.
I DON'T CARE.
John: OKAY, THAT'S AN AMAZING
REACTION.
"TAKE MY INFORMATION.
I DON'T CARE.
MY ADDRESS IS 2343 EMERSON
PLACE, MY BLOOD TYPE IS A
POSITIVE, AND I THINK MY DAD DID
TAX FRAUD.
NOW WHAT, CHINA?
I DON'T GIVE A SHIT."
BUT THINK ABOUT IT, CONGRESS
MADE TEENAGERS SO MAD,
THEY MADE ACTUAL PHONE CALLS.
THAT IS DEDICATION.
TEENS HATE DOING THAT.
IF YOU EVER NEED TO SCARE ONE,
JUST HAND THEM A RINGING PHONE
AND SAY "IT'S FOR YOU."
BUT THAT REACTION SHOULDN'T BE
SURPRISING.
PEOPLE LOVE TIKTOK-- AND NOT
JUST AS A PLACE TO WATCH A GUY
WATCHING A GUY MAKE A GIANT
CHOCOLATE DICK SNAKE.
NEARLY 40% OF ADULTS UNDER 30
SAY THEY REGULARLY GET THEIR
NEWS FROM TIKTOK, AND IT'S A
SIGNIFICANT DRIVER OF BUSINESS,
GIVEN THAT MORE THAN SEVEN
MILLION SMALL BUSINESSES USE IT.
AND YET, SOME LAWMAKERS INSIST
IT'S ALSO AMONG THE BIGGEST
THREATS FACING OUR NATION.
TIKTOK IS A GRAVE NATIONAL
SECURITY THREAT TO AMERICANS.
TIKTOK IS JUST CHINESE
MALWARE.
IT'S JUST JUNK FOOD FOR OUR
BRAINS.
IT IS SPYWARE, IT IS BEING
WEAPONIZED.
TIKTOK IS A GUN AIMED AT
AMERICANS' HEADS.
John: YEAH, THOSE ARE STRONG
WORDS.
BECAUSE WE KNOW CONGRESS WILL
NOT STAND BY AND WATCH SOMEONE
POINTING A METAPHORICAL GUN AT
AMERICANS' HEADS.
ACTUAL GUNS?
THAT'S A COMPLICATED ISSUE FOR
SOME REASON.
BUT METAPHORICAL GUN VIOLENCE
WILL NOT STAND!
SO IF AN APP THIS POPULAR IS
SUPPOSEDLY SUCH A DIRE THREAT,
TONIGHT, LET'S LOOK AT TIKTOK.
WHO'S BEHIND IT, WHAT THE
CONCERNS ARE, AND WHAT THIS
MIGHT REALLY BE ALL ABOUT.
BECAUSE THIS STORY'S ACTUALLY A
LOT MORE NUANCED THAN YOU MIGHT
THINK.
AND LET'S START WITH THE FACT
TIKTOK'S HAD A METEORIC RISE.
IT'S OWNED BY BYTEDANCE, A
CHINESE COMPANY WHO FIRST MADE A
SIMILAR APP FOR THE CHINESE
MARKET CALLED DOUYIN, BACK IN
2016.
THE NEXT YEAR, THEY LAUNCHED
TIKTOK AS THE INTERNATIONAL
VERSION, THEN PURCHASED AN APP
CALLED MUSICAL.LY WITH A
PRE-EXISTING USER BASE IN THE
U.S., MERGING THE TWO IN 2018 TO
CREATE THE APP WE KNOW TODAY.
BUT TIKTOK'S BREAKOUT MOMENT WAS
THE PANDEMIC, WHEN ALL OF A
SUDDEN, MANY OF US WERE STUCK AT
HOME WITH NOTHING TO DO BUT
LEARN HOW TO MAKE CLOUD BREAD
WHIP UP COFFEE, AND TRY TO
MASTER THE SAVAGE DANCE.
IT'S GENUINELY HARD TO IMAGINE A
BETTER SCENARIO FOR TIKTOK TO
THRIVE IN THAN A PANDEMIC.
SUDDENLY, THEY HAD A CAPTIVE
AUDIENCE WHOSE ONLY OTHER
ENTERTAINMENT OPTIONS WERE
"GETTING INTO SOURDOUGH,"
"WINDEXING GROCERIES A THIRD
TIME," OR, OF COURSE, RETREATING
INTO A BLANK VOID WHERE THEY
SLOWLY WENT INSANE.
I'M FINE NOW.
DON'T WORRY.
I'M FINE NOW.
BUT LAWMAKERS WERE ALREADY
RAISING ALARMS ABOUT TIKTOK
BEING CHINESE OWNED.
AND BY MID-2020, TRUMP SIGNED AN
EXECUTIVE ORDER BANNING IT,
SAYING TIKTOK WOULD BE SHUT DOWN
UNLESS MICROSOFT OR ANOTHER
COMPANY PURCHASED IT FROM
BYTEDANCE.
THAT NEVER WOUND UP HAPPENING,
AS A COURT FOUND THAT TRUMP HAD
OVERSTEPPED IN TRYING TO BAN IT
BY EXECUTIVE ORDER.
AND IN THE YEARS SINCE, TIKTOK'S
BEEN AT PAINS TO PUBLICLY
DISTANCE ITSELF FROM CHINA.
IT LAUNCHED SOMETHING CALLED
PROJECT TEXAS, WHERE THEY
BASICALLY PROMISED TO STORE U.S.
USERS' DATA ON U.S. SERVERS,
MAINTAINED BY A THIRD-PARTY U.S.
COMPANY.
WHICH MIGHT SOUND GOOD, BUT
THERE ARE REAL QUESTIONS ABOUT
HOW EFFECTIVE THAT'S BEEN, WITH
ONE WORKER SAYING THE DATA
PROTECTIONS AMOUNT TO BASICALLY
"A WINK AND A NOD."
MEANWHILE, THEY'VE LAUNCHED A
P.R. PUSH, WITH ADS LEANING HARD
IN TO AMERICANA, LIKE THIS ONE,
FEATURING A VETERAN NAMED
PATRIOTIC KENNY.
MY SCOOTER BROKE DOWN.
I WENT INTO A DEPRESSION.
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT?
PRETTY SAD.
AND I POSTED IT TO SHOW THAT
KENNY IS NOT ALWAYS HAPPY.
WITHIN 24 HOURS, PEOPLE HAD
DONATED OVER $5,000.
AND WITHIN A WEEK, PEOPLE HAD
DONATED $110,000.
AND KENNY HIT A MILLION
FOLLOWERS.
IT HAS CHANGED MY LIFE
TREMENDOUSLY.
NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE
HAPPENED WITHOUT TIKTOK.
John: WOW.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S MORE
AMERICAN THERE-- KENNY'S TASTE
IN HOME DECOR, OR THE FACT HE
HAD TO GO VIRAL ON SOCIAL MEDIA
TO GET ACCESS TO BASIC MEDICAL
EQUIPMENT.
ALTHOUGH, TO BE CLEAR, TIKTOK
DIDN'T BUY KENNY A SCOOTER,
OTHER PEOPLE DID.
IT'S A BIT LIKE HAVING PEOPLE
PUT MONEY IN A JAR FOR CHARITY
AND THEN THANKING THE JAR.
"NONE OF THIS COULD HAVE
HAPPENED WITHOUT YOU, JAR!
TRULY YOU ARE THE BEST OF US!"
BUT DESPITE THOSE EFFORTS,
CONCERN ABOUT CHINA'S INFLUENCE
OVER TIKTOK CONTINUED TO GROW,
CULMINATING IN THE LAW PASSED
EARLIER THIS YEAR, DEMANDING IT
BE SOLD, OR BANNED FROM APP
STORES IN THE U.S.-- A LAW, BY
THE WAY, THAT PASSED THE HOUSE
352 TO 65.
AND IT'S WORTH TALKING ABOUT THE
GOVERNMENT'S TWO MAIN CONCERNS:
THE DATA TIKTOK IS COLLECTING
FROM ITS USERS AND THE POWER
IT HAS TO PUSH CONTENT TO
THEM.
AND LET'S START WITH THE DATA.
TIKTOK IS POWERED BY AN
ALGORITHM THAT TRACKS THINGS
LIKE WHAT VIDEOS YOU SKIP PAST,
AND WHICH YOU LINGER ON.
THAT WAY, IT CAN QUICKLY FIGURE
OUT EXACTLY WHAT YOU LIKE, AND
FEED YOU MORE OF THE SAME THING,
OVER AND OVER AGAIN, NOT UNLIKE
A DOTING GRANDMOTHER, OR MARVEL
STUDIOS.
SOMETIMES PEOPLE ARE GENUINELY
WEIRDED OUT BY HOW PERCEPTIVE
TIKTOK'S ALGORITHM CAN BE,
BECAUSE IT CAN SEEM TO KNOW YOU
BETTER THAN YOU KNOW YOURSELF.
I DOWNLOADED THIS APP A YEAR
AGO.
I THOUGHT I WAS STRAIGHT.
AFTER BEING ON TIKTOK, I QUICKLY
REALIZED I WAS NOT STRAIGHT, AND
THAT I WAS BISEXUAL.
I ALWAYS SAY THAT THE
ALGORITHM KNEW THAT I WAS GAY
BEFORE I DID, AND I STAND BY
THAT.
IT ABSOLUTELY KNEW.
ARE ANY OTHER GIRLS, LIKE
KIND OF AGGRAVATED THAT IT TOOK
MORE THAN 20 YEARS TO FIGURE OUT
WE WERE BISEXUAL, BUT IT TOOK MY
TIK TOK ALGORITHM LIKE 37
SECONDS.
WOULD'VE SAVED ME SO MUCH
FUCKING TIME.
John: YEAH, TIKTOK'S
SPEEDRUNNING PEOPLE'S SEXUAL
AWAKENINGS.
BEFORE, A REVELATION LIKE THAT
MIGHT'VE TAKEN YEARS OF THERAPY,
OR AN ENTIRE EPISODE OF
"XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS."
I HONESTLY DON'T THINK A MACHINE
HAS BEEN RESPONSIBLE FOR MORE
SEXUAL AWAKENINGS SINCE
"THE IRON GIANT."
AND I'M NOT EXPLAINING MYSELF TO
YOU ABOUT THAT.
I'M NOT DOING IT.
HE'S AN OBJECTIVELY HOT ROBOT.
HE'S TALL, HAS KIND EYES, IS
GREAT WITH KIDS, AND I'M SURE
HAS A VIBRATE SETTING.
DON'T BE WEIRD ABOUT THIS!
YOU'RE BEING WEIRD.
THE ALGORITHM IS INCREDIBLY
POWERFUL BECAUSE YOU'RE
CONSTANTLY FEEDING IT NEW DATA
-- EVERY INTERACTION YOU HAVE
WITH A VIDEO TRAINS IT MORE ON
YOUR PREFERENCES.
AND BECAUSE THOSE VIDEOS ARE SO
SHORT, IT CAN GATHER A LOT OF
DATA ABOUT YOU VERY QUICKLY.
BUT THAT'S NOT ALL THE
INFORMATION IT GATHERS.
IT KNOWS THE DEVICE YOU ARE
USING, YOUR LOCATION, IP
ADDRESS, SEARCH HISTORY, THE
CONTENT OF YOUR MESSAGES, WHAT
YOU'RE VIEWING AND FOR HOW LONG.
IT ALSO INFERS FACTORS SUCH AS
YOUR AGE RANGE, GENDER AND
INTERESTS, AND IN THE US, ITS
OWN PRIVACY POLICY SAYS IT MAY
COLLECT BIOMETRIC INFORMATION
INCLUDING FACE AND VOICEPRINTS,
FROM ANY CONTENT YOU POST.
THAT'S A LOT OF PERSONAL
INFORMATION, AND SOME OF
TIKTOK'S CRITICS PAINT AN
ALARMING PICTURE OF WHAT THAT
MEANS.
IMAGINE YOU WOKE UP TOMORROW
MORNING AND YOU SAW A NEWS
REPORT THAT CHINA HAD
DISTRIBUTED 100 MILLION SENSORS
AROUND THE UNITED STATES, AND
THAT ANY TIME AN AMERICAN WALKED
PAST ONE OF THESE SENSORS, THIS
SENSOR AUTOMATICALLY COLLECTED
OFF OF YOUR PHONE YOUR NAME,
YOUR HOME ADDRESS, YOUR PERSONAL
NETWORK, WHO YOU'RE FRIENDS
WITH, YOUR ONLINE VIEWING
HABITS, AND A WHOLE HOST OF
OTHER PIECES OF INFORMATION.
WELL, THAT'S PRECISELY WHAT
TIKTOK IS.
John: YEAH, THAT'S A
SCARY-SOUNDING MESSAGE, ONLY
SLIGHTLY UNDERCUT BY THE FACT
THAT GUY'S NAME IS, AND THIS IS
TRUE, KLON KITCHEN.
WHICH SOUNDS LESS LIKE A NAME TO
TRUST AND MORE LIKE A START-UP
TRYING TO DISRUPT THE SPATULA
SPACE.
BASICALLY, THE CONCERN IS THAT
ALL THIS DATA COULD ONE DAY BE
USED BY THE CHINESE GOVERNMENT
TO IDENTIFY INTELLIGENCE
OPPORTUNITIES-- FOR EXAMPLE, BY
HELPING CHINA UNCOVER THE VICES,
PREDILECTIONS, OR PRESSURE
POINTS OF A POTENTIAL SPY
RECRUIT OR BLACKMAIL TARGET.
AND I MEAN...
MAYBE?
I GUESS THERE'S A NONZERO CHANCE
A FUTURE U.S. PRESIDENT IS
CURRENTLY RUNNING A FAN ACCOUNT
DEVOTED TO SONIC THE HEDGEHOG'S
FEET, WHICH COULD BE WEAPONIZED
AGAINST THEM IN THE FUTURE.
THOUGH IT'S WORTH NOTING-- A
HUGE COMPONENT OF BLACKMAIL
REQUIRES SHAME.
AND IF YOU'RE NOT ON TIKTOK,
YOU'RE MISSING OUT ON JUST HOW
LITTLE SHAME ITS USERS HAVE.
THERE'S AN ENTIRE CHALLENGE THAT
JUST CONSISTS OF NAMING YOUR
BIGGEST TRAUMAS FOR ALL THE
WORLD TO HEAR, WHILE DUMPING
CANDY INTO A BOWL.
AND IT IS RIVETING.
AND LOOK, I'M NOT SAYING
BYTEDANCE HASN'T BEEN GUILTY OF
ALARMING PRIVACY VIOLATIONS.
IT HAS!
A FEW YEARS BACK, THIS REPORTER
WAS INVESTIGATING TIKTOK AND
BYTEDANCE, ONLY TO LEARN THAT
SHE WAS BEING INVESTIGATED
HERSELF.
AFTER I WROTE MY FIRST FEW
STORIES, I GOT A BIG LEAK FROM
INSIDE THE COMPANY.
SOMEONE INSIDE THE COMPANY GAVE
ME A BUNCH OF AUDIO RECORDINGS.
IN AN EFFORT TO DISCOVER THE
LEAK A TEAM OF BYTEDANCE
EMPLOYEES LAUNCHED A
SURVEILLANCE PROJECT CALLED
PROJECT RAVEN, PULLING
INFORMATION FROM EMILY'S
PERSONAL TIKTOK ACCOUNT TO
MONITOR HER IP ADDRESS.
AND THE THEORY WAS THAT IF
THEY COULD MATCH MY IP ADDRESS
TO THE IP ADDRESS OF ONE OF
THEIR EMPLOYEES, THEY COULD
MAYBE PLACE ME AND AN EMPLOYEE
AT A STARBUCKS OR AT A LIBRARY
AT THE SAME TIME AND THEN MAYBE
FIGURE OUT WHO WAS TALKING TO
ME.
John: YEAH, IF THEY KNEW ONE
OF THEIR EMPLOYEES HAD BEEN IN
THE SAME LOCATION AS THAT
JOURNALIST, IT'D BE A PRETTY BIG
CLUE.
AND IT WAS MUCH EASIER TO PULL
IP ADDRESSES THAN GO THROUGH
EVERY STARBUCKS DUMPSTER TO TRY
AND FIND THE CUP THAT SAID
"SECRET WHISTLEBLOWER."
NOW, I HAVE TO TELL YOU: THE
COMPANY SAYS THE EMPLOYEES
INVOLVED IN THAT SURVEILLANCE
SCHEME WERE FIRED, AND IT'S
RESTRUCTURED THE TEAM IN CHARGE
OF INTERNAL AUDITS AND REMOVED
ACCESS TO U.S. DATA.
BUT CRITICS POINT OUT: IT
DOESN'T REALLY MATTER HOW GOOD
BYTEDANCE'S PUBLIC INTENTIONS
ARE, BECAUSE FUNDAMENTALLY
THEY'RE VULNERABLE TO THE WHIMS
OF THE CHINESE GOVERNMENT--
WHICH HAS SHOWN A CLEAR
WILLINGNESS TO GO AFTER AMERICAN
DATA.
OFFICIALS HAVE BLAMED CHINESE
HACKERS FOR BREACHES OF THE
OFFICE OF PERSONNEL MANAGEMENT,
ANTHEM HEALTH, AND EQUIFAX,
AMONG OTHERS.
AND IF CHINA WANTED TO USE
BYTEDANCE TO ACCESS TIKTOK'S
DATA, THE COMPANY MIGHT NOT BE
ABLE TO PUT UP MUCH OF A FIGHT.
CHINESE LAW SAYS THAT IF THE
CHINESE GOVERNMENT ASKS A
COMPANY TO COOPERATE, IT HAS NO
CHOICE, NO APPEAL, NO GOING TO
COURT, NO LAYING ACROSS THE
RAILROAD TRACKS.
AND SO, BYTEDANCE, THEY COULD BE
PERFECTLY INNOCENT TODAY.
AND IF XI JINPING WAKES UP IN A
BAD MOOD TOMORROW, THEY COULD BE
DOING SOMETHING BAD.
John: YEAH, AGAIN, THAT
SOUNDS BAD!
MAJOR DECISIONS THAT AFFECT
MILLIONS OF PEOPLE COULD HINGE
ON WHETHER OR NOT THE LEADER OF
A COUNTRY WAKES UP IN A BAD
MOOD.
IT'S THE KIND OF UNPREDICTABLE,
EMOTIONALLY VOLATILE LEADERSHIP
YOU GET IN CHINA AND LUCKILY,
NOWHERE ELSE.
AND WHILE THAT SOUNDS
FRIGHTENING, IT'S IMPORTANT TO
NOTE THERE'S ALSO A LOT OF IF
IN HOW THIS TENDS TO GET
DISCUSSED.
TIKTOK INSISTS IT HASN'T, AND
WOULDN'T, GIVE DATA TO CHINA.
BUT WHETHER OR NOT YOU BELIEVE
THEM, THERE IS STILL NO PUBLIC
EVIDENCE THE CHINESE GOVERNMENT
HAS ACTUALLY SPIED ON PEOPLE
THROUGH TIKTOK.
WHAT'S MORE, WHILE IT DOES
COLLECT A LOT OF DATA ON ITS
USERS, AS WE DISCUSSED IN OUR
DATA BROKERS STORY, LOTS OF
OTHER APPS DO THE EXACT SAME
THING.
IN FACT, WHEN THE WASHINGTON
POST WORKED WITH A PRIVACY
RESEARCHER TO LOOK UNDER THE
HOOD AT TIKTOK, THEY CONCLUDED
THAT IT DOESN'T APPEAR TO
COLLECT ANY MORE DATA THAN YOUR
TYPICAL MAINSTREAM SOCIAL
NETWORK.
FOR INSTANCE, WHILE TIKTOK IS
TRACKING USERS AROUND THE
INTERNET EVEN WHEN THEY AREN'T
USING THE APP, THE SAME TRACKING
TOOL IS USED BY META AND GOOGLE
ON A FAR LARGER SCALE.
AND EVEN WHEN IT COMES TO
TRACKING REPORTERS, TIKTOK'S NOT
AN OUTLIER, GIVEN AN UBER
EXECUTIVE ONCE USED AN INTERNAL
TOOL NAMED "GOD VIEW" TO TRACK
THE LOCATION OF A BUZZFEED NEWS
REPORTER WHO WAS COVERING THE
COMPANY.
AND AGAIN, I'M NOT GIVING TIKTOK
A PASS HERE.
I'M JUST POINTING OUT THAT ITS
BEHAVIOR IS PRETTY CONSISTENT
WITH SILICON VALLEY'S OWN VERY
SHITTY STANDARDS.
THINK OF TIKTOK AS A SOFT DRINK
COMPANY IN THE 1800s.
SURE, ITS PRODUCT IS MOSTLY
COCAINE, BUT HEY, SHOW ME A
CHILD'S BEVERAGE THAT ISN'T.
SO, THAT'S THE CASE AS IT
RELATES TO TIKTOK'S USAGE OF
DATA.
BUT WHAT ABOUT THE CLAIM IT CAN
PUSH PROPAGANDA, OR BURY CONTENT
THAT MAKES CHINA LOOK BAD?
WELL, BYTEDANCE DOES DO THAT
WITHIN CHINA.
DOUYIN, THE VERSION OF TIKTOK
FOR THE CHINESE MARKET, HAS TO
PLAY BY CHINA'S RULES WHEN IT
COMES TO CENSORSHIP, AND "HAS
BANNED A BROAD RANGE OF
SUPPOSEDLY SUBVERSIVE TOPICS,
INCLUDING ANY CONTENT THAT
CAUSES "DISCOMFORT."
AND WHEN TIKTOK FIRST STARTED
GROWING INTERNATIONALLY,
IT DID SEEM TO BRING
SOME OF THAT ETHOS WITH IT.
IN 2019, LEAKED DOCUMENTS SHOWED
TIKTOK HAD INSTRUCTED MODERATORS
TO BAN CONTENT ON "HIGHLY
CONTROVERSIAL TOPICS"-- CITING
MENTIONS OF TIANANMEN SQUARE,
TIBETAN INDEPENDENCE, OR THE
BANNED RELIGIOUS GROUP
FALUN GONG AS EXAMPLES.
AND IN 2020, THE INTERCEPT
REPORTED ITS MODERATORS WERE
ALSO TOLD TO CENSOR POLITICAL
SPEECH IN LIVESTREAMS, AS WELL
AS, FUN FACT, USERS DEEMED TOO
UGLY, POOR, OR DISABLED FOR THE
PLATFORM.
NOW, TIKTOK INSISTS THOSE WERE
OLD GUIDELINES NO LONGER IN USE,
AND THAT THEIR MODERATION
PRACTICES ARE NOW MORE
TRANSPARENT.
BUT SOME RESEARCHERS BELIEVE
THERE'S STILL REASON TO WORRY.
ONE TEAM STUDYING TIKTOK CREATED
FAKE ACCOUNTS, REPRESENTING
AMERICAN TEENAGERS, AND THEY
WERE ALARMED AT WHAT THEY FOUND.
WHEN I GO TO YOUTUBE, YOU PUT
IN TIANANMEN AND THE FIRST THING
YOU HAVE ARE MAINSTREAM NEWS
DOCUMENTARIES.
BUT RESEARCHERS SAY MOST OF
THE CONTENT REGARDING TIANANMEN
THAT SHOWED UP ON TIKTOK WAS, IN
THEIR JUDGMENT, NOT RELEVANT OR
PRO-CHINA COMPARED TO WHAT
SHOWED UP ON INSTAGRAM AND
YOUTUBE.
WHEN WE LOOKED AT MATERIAL
THAT'S SENSITIVE TO THE CHINESE
COMMUNIST PARTY, THESE MATERIALS
WERE SIGNIFICANTLY, INEXPLICABLY
UNDERREPRESENTED ON THE
PLATFORM.
John: RIGHT, THEY CONCLUDED
THAT VIDEOS UNDESIRABLE TO THE
CCP WERE UNDERREPRESENTED.
THOUGH, INTERESTINGLY, NOT
UNREPRESENTED.
TIKTOK SAYS THAT STUDY IS
FLAWED, AND WHILE I HATE TO
AGREE WITH THEM, THE METHODOLOGY
IS A BIT WEIRD.
BECAUSE THE RESEARCHERS SEARCHED
WORDS LIKE "XINJIANG," "TIBET"
AND "TIANANMEN," CLICKED ON THE
FIRST RESULT, AND LET THE
ALGORITHM TAKE IT FROM THERE.
WHICH DOESN'T SEEM LIKE HOW
PEOPLE TEND TO SEARCH FOR
INFORMATION.
IF YOU TYPE IN AMERICA AND
SEARCH IT'S GOING TO A LOT.
AND HONESTLY, GIVEN HOW SPOOKILY
GOOD TIKTOK'S ALGORITHM IS AT
KNOWING EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT,
IT MIGHT EVEN HAVE CONCLUDED,
"GOT IT, YOU'RE A BEARDED
RESEARCHER PRETENDING TO BE A 16
YEAR OLD LOOKING FOR EVIDENCE TO
SUPPORT YOUR CENSORSHIP
HYPOTHESIS.
HERE ARE THE RESULTS YOU WANT--
ALSO, FUN FACT, YOU'RE BI!"
ULTIMATELY, IT'S HARD TO KNOW
FOR SURE, BECAUSE THE ALGORITHM
IS PROPRIETARY, AND THE
DECISIONS IT MAKES ABOUT CONTENT
ARE LARGELY OPAQUE.
AND BANNING TIKTOK OUT OF FEAR
IT MAY BE A VESSEL FOR FOREIGN
INFLUENCE IS A LITTLE WEIRD, FOR
A FEW REASONS.
FIRST, CHINA-- LIKE MANY
COUNTRIES, INCLUDING THE U.S.--
HAS COVERT INFLUENCE OPERATIONS,
LIKE ACCOUNTS PUSHING
PROPAGANDA, RUNNING ON ALL SORTS
OF PLATFORMS.
AND RESEARCHERS SAY THEY HAVEN'T
SEEN A PARTICULAR FOCUS ON
TIKTOK THAT GOES BEYOND THE ONES
IT ALSO RUNS ON FACEBOOK,
INSTAGRAM, AND YOUTUBE.
AND WHEN IT COMES TO CHINA
DIRECTLY INFLUENCING TIKTOK
BEHIND THE SCENES, EVEN THE
GOVERNMENT'S OWN FILINGS SAY
POINT-BLANK THAT THEY HAVE NO
DIRECT EVIDENCE CHINA HAS USED
TIKTOK FOR PROPAGANDA PURPOSES
IN THE U.S. BUT THERE IS
SIGNIFICANT RISK THAT IT COULD
HAPPEN.
BUT AS LONG AS THIS ARGUMENT'S
ABOUT WHAT COULD BE THE CASE,
WE SHOULD PROBABLY ASK: COULD
THERE BE ANY ULTERIOR MOTIVES
BEHIND THE U.S. GOVERNMENT'S
APPROACH?
BECAUSE ALONGSIDE THE CONCERN
ABOUT NATIONAL SECURITY, IT DOES
FEEL LIKE THERE CAN BE AN
UNDERCURRENT OF XENOPHOBIA.
HERE'S TOM COTTON INTERROGATING
TIKTOK'S CEO.
YOU SAID TODAY, AS YOU OFTEN
SAY, THAT YOU LIVE IN SINGAPORE.
OF WHAT NATION ARE YOU A
CITIZEN?
SINGAPORE.
ARE YOU A CITIZEN OF ANY
OTHER NATION?
NO, SENATOR.
HAVE YOU EVER APPLIED FOR
CHINESE CITIZENSHIP?
SENATOR, I SERVED MY NATION
IN SINGAPORE.
NO, I DID NOT.
DO YOU HAVE A SINGAPOREAN
PASSPORT?
YES, AND I SERVED MY MILITARY
FOR TWO AND A HALF YEARS IN
SINGAPORE.
DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER
PASSPORTS FROM ANY OTHER
NATIONS?
NO, SENATOR.
YOUR WIFE IS AN AMERICAN
CITIZEN.
YOUR CHILDREN ARE AMERICAN
CITIZENS?
THAT'S CORRECT.
HAVE YOU EVER APPLIED FOR
AMERICAN CITIZENSHIP?
NO, NOT YET.
OKAY.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN A MEMBER OF
THE CHINESE COMMUNIST PARTY?
SENATOR, I'M SINGAPOREAN, NO.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ASSOCIATED
OR AFFILIATED WITH THE CHINESE
COMMUNIST PARTY?
NO.
SENATOR, AGAIN, I'M SINGAPOREAN.
John: THAT IS SO BAD, I
ALMOST WISH THAT LINE OF
QUESTIONING HAD KEPT GOING.
"OKAY, BUT DO YOU KNOW WHERE
CHINA IS ON A MAP?"
"YES, I DO."
"HOW DO YOU KNOW WHERE CHINA
IS?"
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"
"I'LL SAY IT AGAIN, HOW DO YOU
KNOW WHERE CHINA IS?"
"BECAUSE I CAN READ A MAP?"
"AND HOW CAN YOU READ A MAP?"
"BECAUSE I LEARNED TO IN
SCHOOL."
"AND WHAT KIND OF SCHOOL WOULD
TEACH A CHILD TO READ A MAP OF
CHINA?"
"ANY SCHOOL."
"NOT ANY OF OURS."
"WELL, THAT'S NOT GREAT, IS IT?"
"SO YOU'RE INSULTING THE USA
BECAUSE YOU'RE A SECRET CHINESE
CITIZEN?
I REST MY CASE."
AND LOOK, OBVIOUSLY TOM COTTON'S
A PERSISTENT PIECE OF SHIT.
BUT IT'S HARD TO SHAKE THE
FEELING THAT AT LEAST PART OF
THE PANIC HERE STEMS FROM AN
UGLY PLACE.
AND THAT'S NOT THE ONLY POSSIBLE
MOTIVATOR.
THERE'S ALSO THE FACT THERE ARE
PLENTY OF BIG U.S. TECH
COMPANIES THAT WOULD VERY MUCH
LIKE THEIR MARKET SHARE BACK
FROM TIKTOK.
META AND YOUTUBE NOW EACH HAVE
THEIR OWN TIKTOK KNOCKOFFS IN
THE FORMS OF REELS AND YOUTUBE
SHORTS, AND META'S BEEN CAUGHT
OPENLY SEEDING NEGATIVE STORIES
ABOUT TIKTOK, EVEN HIRING A
MARKETING FIRM, WITH ONE
CAMPAIGN DIRECTOR SAYING IN AN
EMAIL, "THE DREAM WOULD BE TO
GET STORIES WITH HEADLINES LIKE
FROM DANCES TO DANGER."
WHICH, TO BE HONEST, SOUNDS LIKE
A NETFLIX TRUE CRIME DOCUMENTARY
ABOUT A BALLET STUDIO THAT
TURNED OUT TO BE A SEX CULT.
AND MARK ZUCKERBERG, SEEN HERE
LOOKING LIKE THE CHEF FROM
RATATOUILLE TRYING TO PIVOT TO
BITCOIN, PERSONALLY LOBBIED
TRUMP ON THE RISK POSED BY HIS
COMPETITION.
IN 2019, IN A PRIVATE DINNER AT
THE WHITE HOUSE, HE MADE THE
CASE THAT THE RISE OF CHINESE
INTERNET COMPANIES THREATENS
AMERICAN BUSINESS, AND SHOULD BE
A BIGGER CONCERN THAN REINING IN
FACEBOOK.
WHICH SEEMS A LITTLE SUSPECT TO
ME.
IF YOU GET CAUGHT SHOPLIFTING,
THE BEST DEFENSE ISN'T USUALLY
"HEY THAT GUY DID IT TOO-- AND
HE'S CHINESE!"
AND HONESTLY, BANNING TIKTOK
MIGHT BE THE ONLY THING THAT
HELPS META HERE.
BECAUSE AS SOME TIKTOK CREATORS
WILL TELL YOU, THEY MUCH PREFER
THE PLATFORM TO ITS U.S.
COMPETITORS.
100% OF MY CUSTOMER BASE WERE
DERIVED DIRECTLY FROM TIKTOK.
FOR INSTANCE, THERE WAS A
GENTLEMAN THAT SAW ONE OF MY
TIKTOK VIDEOS JUST YESTERDAY,
AND HE SAW A COUPLE OF COWS IN
THE BACKGROUND THAT HE REALLY,
REALLY LIKED.
HE REACHED OUT TO ME AND HE
SAID, "ARE THOSE COWS FOR SALE
BY CHANCE?
HE DID NOT SEE THOSE CATTLE ON
FACEBOOK OR INSTAGRAM.
LET'S FACE IT, FACEBOOK IS
ARCHAIC, IT'S DEAD.
INSTAGRAM'S PRIME WAS MORE THAN
SEVEN YEARS AGO.
IT'S-- THIS IS THE NUMBER ONE
PLATFORM IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW,
AND THIS IS WHERE A NUMBER OF
OUR CUSTOMERS ARE COMING FROM.
John: WOW.
THERE IS NO WAY TO UNDERSELL HOW
COMPLETELY COOKED YOU ARE AS A
TECH COMPANY WHEN THAT GUY IS
TELLING YOU YOU'RE BEHIND THE
TIMES.
HE LOOKS LIKE HIS NUMBER ONE
CONCERN IS "RUSTLERS," AND
CONCERNS TWO THROUGH SEVEN ARE
ALL STAMPEDE-RELATED, SO IF HE'S
EXPLAINING WHY YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA
PLATFORM IS SUBSTANDARD?
YOU'RE DONE.
GOODBYE.
SO VERY BASICALLY, THAT'S THE
CASE, PRO AND CON, FOR THIS
POTENTIAL TIKTOK BAN.
OR, AT LEAST, THE PUBLIC CASE.
BECAUSE THERE'S ONE MORE ELEMENT
TO THE GOVERNMENT'S ARGUMENT I
HAVEN'T TALKED ABOUT YET, BUT
ONLY BECAUSE IT'S BASICALLY
IMPOSSIBLE TO DO THAT, AS THEY
WON'T TELL US WHAT IT IS.
THERE'S A LINE THAT KEEPS COMING
UP WITH LAWMAKERS WHENEVER
THEY'RE ADVOCATING FOR THE BAN.
IS THERE CONCRETE EVIDENCE
THAT-- THAT WE CAN POINT TO
THAT SAYS THAT NEFARIOUS
ACTIVITY IS GOING ON?
YES.
A LOT OF IT IS CLASSIFIED.
TIKTOK IS CERTAINLY A
NATIONAL SECURITY THREAT.
WE'VE SEEN EVIDENCE IN A
CLASSIFIED SETTING.
MANY AMERICAN, PARTICULARLY
YOUNG AMERICANS, ARE RIGHTFULLY
SKEPTICAL.
AT THE END OF THE DAY, THEY'VE
NOT SEEN WHAT CONGRESS HAS SEEN.
THEY'VE NOT BEEN IN THE
CLASSIFIED BRIEFINGS THAT
CONGRESS HAS HELD.
John: AND HERE'S THE THING:
RIGHT!
WE HAVEN'T SEEN IT!
SO MAYBE YOU NEED TO SHOW US!
BECAUSE SAYING "TRUST US, IT'S
SUPER SCARY" ONLY REALLY WORKS
WHEN THE PERSON SAYING IT IS
SOMEONE YOU FUNDAMENTALLY TRUST
IN THE FIRST PLACE.
TIKTOK IS CURRENTLY SUING THE
GOVERNMENT OVER THE IMPENDING
BAN, AND IN ITS FILINGS, THE
GOVERNMENT'S REDACTED
SIGNIFICANT PORTIONS OF THE
EVIDENCE IT SAYS IT HAS, WITH
SOME PARTS OF ITS AFFIDAVITS
LOOKING LIKE THIS.
AND INCREDIBLY, EVEN BYTEDANCE
AND TIKTOK DON'T KNOW WHAT'S
BEHIND THOSE BLACK BARS, BECAUSE
THE GOVERNMENT'S NOT REVEALING
ITS EVIDENCE TO THEM, EITHER.
WHICH FEELS WRONG.
BECAUSE USUALLY, SHOWING YOUR
EVIDENCE IS A FUNDAMENTAL TENET
OF AMERICAN JUSTICE.
IT'S UP THERE WITH A RIGHT TO
PLEAD YOUR CASE, AND TO BE TRIED
BY 12 HALF-ASLEEP STRANGERS
WHO'D RATHER BE ANYWHERE ELSE IN
THE WORLD RIGHT NOW.
AND THE CONDESCENSION OF "JUST
TRUST US" CAN GET REALLY
FRUSTRATING, ESPECIALLY WHEN
IT'S EXPRESSED LIKE THIS.
I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT TO
RECOGNIZE WE'RE ACTUALLY DOING
THIS TO PROTECT THE PRIVACY OF
AMERICANS.
PEOPLE FEEL LIKE THEY'RE TAKING
THEIR RIGHTS AWAY, BUT IT'S
ACTUALLY PROTECTING THEIR
PRIVACY.
John: BUT IS IT, THOUGH?
BECAUSE IN A WORLD WHERE
INSTAGRAM KNOWS YOUR LOCATION,
UBER KNOWS YOUR CHILDHOOD FEARS,
AND DOORDASH HAS A DETAILED 3D
RENDERING OF YOUR SMALL
INTESTINE ITS EXECUTIVES USE AS
A SCREENSAVER, CLAIMING YOU'RE
PROTECTING AMERICANS' PRIVACY BY
BANNING TIKTOK FEELS LIKE
CLAIMING YOU'RE FIGHTING CLIMATE
CHANGE BY BANNING THE
KIA SORENTO.
SURE, IT'S TECHNICALLY NOT
NOTHING, BUT IT IS, IN A LARGER
SENSE, BASICALLY NOTHING.
ONE OF THE REASONS THIS STORY'S
DIFFICULT TO NAVIGATE IS THERE'S
SO MUCH WE DON'T KNOW, AND
COMING FROM TWO SIDES I DON'T
REMOTELY TRUST.
BECAUSE YOU'RE EITHER TAKING THE
WORD OF A MULTINATIONAL TECH
COMPANY THAT PROFITS OFF YOUR
DATA, OR THE U.S. GOVERNMENT,
WHICH SEEMS HAPPY TO TURN A
BLIND EYE WHENEVER AMERICAN
COMPANIES DO THE SAME THING.
AND WHO KNOWS WHERE THINGS COULD
GO FROM HERE?
TIKTOK'S LAWSUIT MAY END UP
BEFORE THE SUPREME COURT--
MEANING THAT JANUARY 19 DEADLINE
WILL LIKELY GET EXTENDED INTO
THE TRUMP PRESIDENCY.
AND REMEMBER, HE'S THE ONE WHO
TRIED BANNING TIKTOK IN THE
FIRST PLACE.
THOUGH HE'S NOW DONE A COMPLETE
180 ON THAT, RELEASING THIS
VIDEO DURING THE CAMPAIGN.
FOR ALL OF THOSE THAT WANT TO
SAVE TIKTOK IN AMERICA, VOTE FOR
TRUMP.
THE OTHER SIDE'S CLOSING IT UP.
BUT I'M NOW A BIG STAR ON
TIKTOK.
SO, IF YOU LIKE TIKTOK, GO OUT
AND VOTE FOR TRUMP.
John: I MEAN IT'S PERFECT.
AS ALWAYS, IT'S GENUINELY HARD
TO FOCUS ON THE MESSAGE THERE,
BECAUSE OF THE WEIRD ENERGY.
HIS DELIVERY IS GIVING, "OKAY,
NOW HOW ABOUT A SILLY ONE" MIXED
WITH THE SPONTANEOUS DELAYED
RELEASE OF 60 YEARS OF DIET
PILLS.
SO APPARENTLY TRUMP WANTS TO
"SAVE TIKTOK" NOW, HE CAN'T
UNILATERALLY OVERTURN THIS LAW.
HE'D PRESUMABLY HAVE TO FORCE
CONGRESS TO RESCIND IT.
ALTHOUGH HE CAN'T CHANGE HIS
MIND AGAIN HE CAN DO THAT.
SO WHERE DOES THAT LEAVE US?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
WE TALKED TO A LOT OF EXPERTS ON
BOTH SIDES OF THIS BAN.
NATIONAL SECURITY TYPES TEND TO
BE IN THE "WHY RISK IT, JUST BAN
IT" CAMP.
WHILE THOSE IN THE TECH POLICY
SPACE ARE MORE CONCERNED ABOUT
BENEFITS OF THAT IMPACT THE
FREE-SPEECH IMPACTS.
AND I'M SLIGHTLY TORN.
THIS SHOW HAS AN ACCOUNT ON
TIKTOK.
I PERSONALLY DON'T HAVE IT ON MY
PHONE, PARTLY BECAUSE I DON'T
TRUST IT, MOSTLY BECAUSE I'M
VERY OLD.
BUT IF THERE'S ONE THING MANY
EXPERTS DO AGREE ON, IT'S THAT
THE RISKS TO AMERICANS' DATA
ONLINE IN NO WAY END WITH CHINA
OR TIKTOK.
AS ONE PUTS IT, "TIKTOK
REPRESENTS MAYBE 2% OF THE
PROBLEM WHEN IT COMES TO
AMERICANS' PRIVACY"-- ADDING
THAT WITHOUT ADEQUATE PRIVACY
LAW, "THERE ARE MILLIONS OF APPS
THAT ARE COLLECTING AND ABUSING
AMERICANS' DATA."
AND FRUSTRATINGLY, THERE'S JUST
NO GOOD REASON WHY WE DON'T HAVE
BETTER PROTECTIONS.
THE U.S. IS THE ONLY COUNTRY IN
THE G20 THAT DOESN'T HAVE SOME
KIND OF COMPREHENSIVE PRIVACY
LAW PROTECTING USER DATA.
WE'VE BEEN BEHIND THE REST OF
THE WORLD ON THIS ISSUE FOR AN
EMBARRASSINGLY LONG TIME.
THERE WAS ACTUALLY AN EFFORT TO
SHORE THINGS UP EARLIER THIS
YEAR, CALLED THE AMERICAN
PRIVACY RIGHTS ACT, WHICH
CONTAINED ROBUST DATA
PROTECTIONS, LIKE THE
REQUIREMENT THAT COMPANIES
MINIMIZE THE AMOUNT OF DATA THEY
COLLECT, SO THE ONUS IS ON THEM
TO COLLECT LESS, AND NOT ON US
HAVING TO PLAY CONSTANT DEFENSE
WITH A MILLION DIFFERENT
OPT-OUTS.
UNFORTUNATELY, IT WAS STRIPPED
OF SOME OF ITS MOST CRUCIAL
PARTS AND SUPPORT FOR IT
EVENTUALLY EVAPORATED.
BUT WE BADLY NEED SOMETHING LIKE
IT, JUST FOR A BASELINE LEVEL OF
PROTECTION.
WHAT I'M SAYING IS, THIS TIKTOK
BAN ULTIMATELY MAY NOT EVEN BE
NECESSARY, BUT DEFINITELY ISN'T
SUFFICIENT.
OR TO SUMMARIZE ALL THIS THE
ONLY WAY ANYONE ON TIKTOK CAN
SEEM TO INTERNALIZE-- THAT IS,
WHILE WATCHING SOMEONE MAKE
FANCY CHOCOLATES OR DANCING: IF
WE REALLY WANT TO INCREASE DATA
BETTER PROTECT AMERICANS AND
THEIR DATA, THAT'S A PENIS.
THAT'S A CHOCOLATE PENIS WITH
RIDGES AROUND IT.
IT'S A SCREW.
OR, YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT'S A ROBOT PENIS.
IT'S A CHOCOLATE ROBOT PENIS.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
HIT IT!
AND NOW, THIS.
Announcer: AND NOW,
JESSE WATTERS IS NOT INVITED TO
THANKSGIVING.
DENVER, MINNEAPOLIS, MAY BE
GALBRAITH HALSEY SHOULD HAVE
THANKSGIVING WITH YOUR FAMILY.
I'M NOT HAVING DINNER WITH MY
MOM AND MY DAD THIS
THANKSGIVING.
I'VE NOT BEEN INVITED.
PEOPLE ARE TAKING SPACE IN THE
WATER'S HOUSEHOLD.
I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I WAS NOT
INVITED TO MY MOTHER'S HOUSE FOR
THANKSGIVING.
APPARENTLY THERE WAS NOT ENOUGH
ROOM.
SHE SAID IT'S A SCHEDULING
SITUATION.
LAST THANKSGIVING I CLEAR THE
WHOLE TABLE OUT, I DON'T KNOW IF
YOU KNOW MY WHOLE FAMILY'S
DEMOCRATS.
I HAD MY WINE AND NOBODY WANTED
ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME.
I THOUGHT IT IRRITATING ON
THANKSGIVING WHEN MY MOTHER
STARTS YELLING AT ME ABOUT
POLITICS.
LISTEN, MY MOTHER IS A CRAZY
RADICAL LIBERAL, TRUST ME,
THANKSGIVING IS A NIGHTMARE.
JESSE, YOU LOVE SPENDING TIME
WITH FAMILY.
YEAH, WILL THEY DON'T LOVE
SPENDING TIME WITH ME.
SHOULD HAVE FITS OF ROAD RAGE
AND DRIVE IN THEIR FEBRUARY BUT
I SURVIVED.
TO SOME OF THE THANKSGIVINGS
WERE AWKWARD BUT HERE I AM ON
"THE FIVE" AND "JESSE WATTER
PRIMETIME" AND I THINK I TURNED
OUT ALL RIGHT.
John: NO YOU DIDN'T.
MOVING ON.
THIS IS OUR LAST SHOW OF THE
SEASON.
AND HONESTLY?
IT'S BEEN A WEIRD ONE.
WE STARTED BY OFFERING CLARENCE
THOMAS A MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR
AND AN RV IN EXCHANGE FOR HIS
RESIGNATION, WHICH HE RUDELY DID
NOT TAKE.
AND SINCE THEN, THINGS GOT
PRETTY WEIRD HERE IN THE STUDIO.
I GOT LOST IN SOME CORN, WE HAD
AN INDOOR RAIN STORM, I GOT
SWARMED BY THESE FURRY FREAKS
FROM "CATS," AND SHUTTLED
OFFSTAGE BY WHAT APPEARS TO BE A
FLOCK OF BIG, SPOOKY RAVIOLIS,
WHICH I'M SURE MADE SENSE IN
CONTEXT.
WE ALSO TRACKED DOWN A PROLIFIC
STOCK PHOTO MODEL FROM
AZERBAIJAN AND FLEW HIM HERE TO
TAKE SOME MORE.
WE GOT WILL FERRELL TO SING A
NEW PATRIOTIC SONG TO REPLACE
"GOD BLESS THE USA" AT
CITIZENSHIP CEREMONIES.
AND WE BOUGHT THE CONTENTS OF A
SHUTTERED RED LOBSTER, AND THEN,
FOR REASONS I DON'T HAVE TIME TO
GET INTO, SENT SOME KITCHEN
EQUIPMENT TO A NEW YORK BAKERY
AFTER BULLYING THEM INTO MAKING
JOHN OLIVER CAKE BEARS WITH A
SUMPTUOUS DONK, WHICH THEY "VERY
MUCH" DID, AS WELL AS MAKING US
THIS SPECTACULAR BEAR LIKENESS
OF ME, WHICH I THEN ATE
ASS-FIRST, PROVING ONCE AGAIN
THAT I'M NOT NEW TO THIS.
I'M TRUE TO THIS.
YA BOY IS AN EATER FOR REAL.
AND MUCH OF THAT HELPED DISTRACT
FROM THE GENUINELY BAD YEAR THAT
WAS 2024.
SO BAD, WE WERE FORCED TO SPEND
EIGHT DIFFERENT MAIN STORIES
COVERING ISSUES SURROUNDING THE
ELECTION, FORGOING MUCH MORE
INTERESTING ONES WE WANTED TO
TACKLE LIKE: LIEV SCHREIBER JUST
DROPPED AN ENORMOUS JAR OF VODKA
SAUCE IN THE WHOLE FOODS SELF
CHECKOUT.
SAUCE EVERYWHERE.
WE HAD 23 MINUTES ON THAT
PLANNED, BUT HAD TO SCRAP IT FOR
AN EPISODE ON ALL THE WAYS TRUMP
WOULD FIGHT THE ELECTION RESULTS
IF HE LOST.
WHICH, OF COURSE, HE DID NOT.
SO TONIGHT, BEFORE WE LEAVE, I'D
ACTUALLY LIKE TO TRY AND LOOK
FORWARD.
THE END OF THE YEAR ALWAYS HAS
ME THINKING ABOUT THE NEXT ONE
AND WHAT I HOPE 2025 WILL LOOK
LIKE.
IN 2025, I'D LIKE ELON MUSK TO
JUMP SO HIGH, HE NEVER COMES
BACK DOWN.
I'D LIKE TO GO JUST ONE DAY
WITHOUT HEARING ABOUT THE WICKED
MOVIE.
AND IN 2025, I'D LIKE THE FINAL
"MISSION IMPOSSIBLE" FILM TO END
WITH TOM CRUISE TAKING OFF HIS
FACE MASK TO REVEAL
SHELLY MISCAVIAGE.
AND I KNOW NONE OF THAT'S LIKELY
TO HAPPEN.
AND THAT WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO
COVER A LOT OF TERRIBLE SHIT
NEXT YEAR.
BUT IF THERE'S ONE THING I
REALLY DO HOPE FOR, IT'S THAT WE
STILL GET TO TALK ABOUT SOME
RIDICULOUS STUFF.
SO MY PLEA TO THE REST OF WORLD
IS TO PLEASE KEEP BEING WEIRD IN
FUN WAYS.
KEEP MAKING TERRIBLE STATUES,
HOLDING WEIRD CONTESTS, AND
AUCTIONING OFF BIZARRE ITEMS.
AND IF I CAN TALK TO NEW ZEALAND
SPECIFICALLY-- PLEASE KEEP
DOING EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
I DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOU TO BE
WEIRD.
JUST BE YOURSELVES, AND WE'LL
FIND SOMETHING WE CAN WORK WITH.
LOOK, THE NEXT FOUR YEARS ARE
GOING TO BE EXHAUSTING.
ALL WE CAN REALLY HOPE FOR ARE
LITTLE POCKETS OF TIME, BETWEEN
NEW HORRORS AND CALAMITIES.
AND MAYBE THE GOAL SHOULD BE TO
SAVOR THOSE MINUTES OF CALM AS
BEST WE CAN.
BASICALLY, I GUESS WHAT I'M
SAYING IS, WHEN CHAOS BECOMES
THE NORM, WE NEED TO APPRECIATE
EVERY SECOND WE'VE MANAGED TO GO
WITHOUT A FRESH AFFRONT.
EVERY DAY WITHOUT AN INCIDENT
GOING FORWARD SHOULD PROBABLY BE
CHERISHED.
AND I KNOW, WE'RE GOING TO BE
HITTING RESET A LOT.
MAYBE THE CLOCK'S BEEN TICKING
UP FOR A WHILE, AND SUDDENLY YOU
GET A NEWS ALERT.
"RUDY GIULIANI APPOINTED TO
SUPREME COURT."
AND THEN BOOM, YOU'RE BACK TO
ZERO AGAIN.
MAYBE YOU'RE LUCKY ENOUGH TO GET
A SECOND TO CATCH YOUR BREATH,
THE CLOCK CLIMBS UP FOR A BIT,
ONLY FOR SUDDENLY-- "SECRETARY
OF STATE TURNS OUT TO BE PUTIN
IN A FAKE MUSTACHE."
AND BOOM, YOU GOTTA RESET
AGAIN.
AND THIS IS THE TIME YOU SHOULD
REALLY TREASURE, BECAUSE DEEP
DOWN YOU KNOW IT'S A MATTER OF
SECONDS BEFORE YOU'RE
INTERRUPTED WITH-- "WAIT, HOLD
ON, WE'RE "OUT" OF HELIUM NOW?"
LIKE...
IT'S ALL GONE?
AND MAYBE YOU'RE NOT SURE WHAT
TO MAKE OF THAT, SO YOU BARREL
ON, ONLY TO GET AN ALERT THAT
SAYS "ALL AQUARIUMS ARE
INDEFINITELY CLOSED TO THE
PUBLIC?"
WHICH IS SO CONFUSING IT FEELS
KIND OF OKAY TO JUST IGNORE
UNTIL YOU GET THE ALERT, "PLEASE
STAY INSIDE; THE SKY IS FULL OF
SHARKS NOW."
OH, I GET IT, THE HELIUM.
FROM BEFORE.
I'M NOT SURE OF THE EXACT CHAIN
OF EVENTS, BUT THE SKY IS FULL
OF SHARKS, AND THAT'S BAD.
MAKES SENSE.
AND BOOM, THAT'S GONNA BE A BIG
OLD RESET AGAIN.
THE POINT IS, WE'LL BE HERE FOR
YOU NEXT YEAR TO TALK ABOUT THE
BAD MOMENTS, AND HOPEFULLY THE
MOMENTS OF JOY IN BETWEEN.
THAT'S OUR SHOW, THANK YOU SO
MUCH FOR WATCHING US ALL THIS
YEAR.
WE'LL SEE YOU IN FEBRUARY.
GOOD NIGHT!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪
OH, COME ON!
FUCK THIS SHIT.
♪ ♪