♪ ♪
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
>> JOHN: WELCOME, WELCOME,
WELCOME TO LAST WEEK TONIGHT!
I'M JOHN OLIVER, THANK YOU SO
MUCH FOR JOINING US!
IT'S BEEN A BUSY WEEK.
IN CHICAGO, OBAMA OPENED HIS
PRESIDENTIAL CENTER.
IN DC, DESPITE TRUMP SPENDING
$14 MILLION, THE LINCOLN
REFLECTING POOL LOOKS LIKE SHREK
PISSED IN IT, AND IN THE UK,
ANDY BURNHAM WON THE MAKERFIELD
BY-ELECTION, AND IS NOW ODDS-ON
TO BECOME PRIME MINISTER.
AND HERE'S THE MOMENT THE
RESULTS BECAME CLEAR:
>> BURNHAM ANDREW MURRAY,
COMMONLY KNOWN AS ANDY BURNHAM,
THE LABOUR AND COOPERATIVE
PARTY, 24,977.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
>> JOHN: YEP — AS HARD AS IT IS
TO BELIEVE — EVERYONE ON THAT
STAGE WAS RUNNING IN THAT
ELECTION.
MEANING BURNHAM MANAGED TO NOT
ONLY DEFEAT THE REFORM UK
CANDIDATE, BUT ALSO DARTH TRASH
CAN AND THE METH-TASTIC MR. FOX.
MEANWHILE, THE WORLD CUP
CONTINUED, WITH FANS STILL
HAVING A GREAT TIME, FROM
NORWAY'S ROWING UP ESCALATORS,
TO DUTCH SUPPORTERS DOING THE
ORANJE FAN WALK, TO AUSTRALIAN
FANS COMING UP WITH THE SONG OF
THE SUMMER:
♪ AUSSIE BOYS WE'RE ON A BENDER,
DONALD TRUMP IS A SEX OFFENDER!
♪
♪ AUSSIE BOYS WE'RE ON A BENDER,
DONALD TRUMP IS A SEX OFFENDER!
♪
♪ AUSSIE BOYS WE'RE ON A BENDER,
DONALD TRUMP IS A SEX OFFENDER
♪
>> JOHN: EXCELLENT.
UNTIL NOW THE BEST THING
AUSTRALIA GAVE THE US WAS
AVOCADO TOAST AND NICOLE KIDMAN,
BUT THEY'VE JUST TOPPED
THEMSELVES.
BECAUSE SEEING DRUNK AUSSIES
JOYOUSLY CHANTING "TRUMP'S A SEX
OFFENDER" IS THE EQUIVALENT OF
LOOKING OUT YOUR OFFICE WINDOW
AND SEEING TOURISTS EATING ICE
CREAM ON A DOUBLE DECKER BUS.
"I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU COULD
HAVE THAT MUCH FUN HERE."
MEANWHILE, THE SCOTTISH FANS
HAVE BEEN IN BOSTON, MAKING
FRIENDS WHEREVER THEY GO,
PUTTING CONES ON STATUES, AND
CAUSING SOME REAL SUPPLY CHAIN
PROBLEMS.
>> IF YOUR FAVORITE BEER IS
MISSING FROM A TAP--
>> WE'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING
LIKE IT.
>> THERE'S A DECENT CHANCE
SCOTLAND HAD SOMETHING TO DO
WITH IT.
SAM ADAMS DOWNTOWN RAN OUT OF
THEIR SIGNATURE BOSTON LAGER
OVER THE WEEKEND AND NEEDED AN
EMERGENCY DELIVERY TO KEEP UP
WITH THE WORLD CUP FANS.
AND THEY'RE NOT THE ONLY ONES
RUNNING DRY.
>> THE WHITE BULL TAVERN.
THERE WAS NO BEER.
THE SCOTS FANS JUST DRUNK THE
PLACE DRY, AND ALL THEY HAD WAS
LIKE BUD LIGHT.
>> JOHN: YEAH, THEY DRANK
EVERYTHING BUT THE BUD LIGHT.
AND DO YOU KNOW HOW BAD A BEER
HAS TO BE FOR SCOTTISH PEOPLE
NOT TO DRINK IT?
THEIR NATIONAL DISH IS HAGGIS,
WHICH LOOKS LIKE THE SANDWORM
FROM DUNE SHIT ITSELF.
THEY'LL EAT THAT HAPPILY, BUT
DRAW THE LINE AT AMERICA'S DICK
SPITTLE, A BEVERAGE THAT-- ON
ITS BEST DAY-- TASTES LIKE PISS
FLAVORED LA CROIX.
BUT IT'S TRUE: SCOTLAND FANS
HAVE BEEN DRINKING BOSTON DRY,
WITH ONE EMPLOYEE OF A DOWNTOWN
BAR SAYING, "WE'VE BEEN HERE FOR
OVER 30 YEARS, AND WE'VE NEVER
SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT.
WE TRIPLED ST. PATRICK'S DAY."
WHICH IS WILD!
I GUESS THE SCOTS SAW THE WAY
BOSTONIANS DRINK AND SAID "HOLD
MY BEER, WHILE I CHUG THREE
MORE."
APPARENTLY, WHEN ONE CUSTOMER
CAME INTO A BOSTON LIQUOR STORE
AND PURCHASED TWO BOTTLES OF
WATER, A BUNCH OF SCOTLAND FANS
IN THE STORE BOOED HER FOR THE
PURCHASE.
AND WHILE THAT'S OBVIOUSLY VERY
FUNNY, I DO HAVE TO LOOK AT IT
FROM THAT WOMAN'S PERSPECTIVE --
SHE HAD A HARD DAY AT THE OFFICE
-- SHE'S A PARALEGAL, I'M
GUESSING.
HER DOCTOR KEEPS TELLING HER TO
HYDRATE MORE.
SO SHE LEAVES WORK -- AFTER
HOURS, AS USUAL -- AND STOPS AT
THE NEAREST SPOT, A LIQUOR
STORE.
SHE DOESN'T DRINK ANYMORE, NOT
SINCE THE ACCIDENT, BUT IT'S
POURING RAIN AND HER EX GOT ALL
THE UMBRELLAS IN THE DIVORCE.
SHE RUSHES INSIDE, GRABS TWO
WATER BOTTLES, AND HEADS TO THE
CHECKOUT, RIFLING THROUGH CREDIT
CARDS, HOPING ONE WILL GO
THROUGH, SHE MAKES A GOOD WAGE,
BUT ONLINE POKER WAS THE DEVIL
SHE COULD NEVER IGNORE.
SHE TAPS, IT WORKS, THANKFULLY.
BUT SHE SPOTS THE CLERK'S
NAMETAG -- "KYLE".
THAT WAS "HIS" NAME
HER EYES GLAZE, AND HER MIND
DRIFTS TO SUMMER 2006, SLEEPAWAY
CAMP, AND THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BOY
SHE'D EVER SEEN -- KYLE
KIRKPATRICK.
SHE REALIZES HER GRANDMA WAS
RIGHT -- THE WORST PART OF
GROWING UP ISN'T THE WRINKLES OR
THE RESTRAINING ORDERS, IT'S
THAT YOU NEVER KNOW YOU'RE IN
THE BEST DAYS OF YOUR LIFE UNTIL
THEY'RE OVER.
AND THEN SHE'S SUDDENLY SNAPPED
BACK TO REALITY BY A
MOB OF REDHEADS BOOING HER FACE.
AND "THAT'S" WHY IT'S IMPOSSIBLE
TO BE A WOMAN.
ANYWAY.
THE WORLD CUP'S STILL VERY FUN.
BUT THE BIG NEWS THIS WEEK
CONCERNED IRAN.
A WEEK AGO, TRUMP ANNOUNCED A
DEAL TO END HIS WAR, POSTING,
"THE DEAL WITH THE ISLAMIC
REPUBLIC OF IRAN IS NOW
COMPLETE.
CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL!
SHIPS OF THE WORLD, START YOUR
ENGINES.
LET THE OIL FLOW!", LIKE A REAL
CHA-CHA DIGREGORIO IN GREASE.
AND ON WEDNESDAY, TRUMP SIGNED A
"MEMORANDUM OF UNDERSTANDING."
AND IT QUICKLY BECAME CLEAR THIS
WAS LESS A COMPREHENSIVE PEACE
DEAL, AND MORE "A PLAN TO
EVENTUALLY HAVE ONE" -- WITH
SOME PRETTY BIG HOLES IN IT.
>> THE AGREEMENT CALLS FOR THE
WAR TO END ON ALL FRONTS,
INCLUDING ISRAEL'S STRIKES
AGAINST HEZBOLLAH IN LEBANON,
BUT THE ISRAELIS, WHO HAVE BEEN
THE U.S.'S PARTNER IN THIS WAR,
BUT WERE NOT INVOLVED IN THIS
DEAL, HAVE MADE CLEAR THEY
AREN'T WITHDRAWING FROM LEBANON.
>> IN THE DOCUMENT IRAN DOES NOT
COMMIT TO DESTROYING ITS NUCLEAR
STOCKPILE.
THEY'VE ONLY AGREED TO NEGOTIATE
FURTHER OVER THE NEXT 60 DAYS.
>> JOHN: YEAH, THIS AGREEMENT
DOESN'T EVEN ADDRESS IRAN'S
NUCLEAR PROGRAM -- SUPPOSEDLY
THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS WAR IN
THE FIRST PLACE.
AND ANYONE CAN SIGN AN AGREEMENT
TO JUST FIGURE THINGS OUT LATER.
THAT'S NOT DIFFICULT.
IT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
JONAS SALK DISCOVERING THE POLIO
VACCINE, AND HIM JUST WRITING
"I.O.U. 1 POLIO VACCINE" ON A
PIECE OF PAPER.
NEVERTHELESS, TRUMP TOOK A FULL
VICTORY LAP, CLAIMING HIS NEW
DEAL WITH IRAN WAS FAR BETTER
THAN THE ONE OBAMA MADE IN 2015,
AND WHICH TRUMP TORE UP IN HIS
FIRST TERM, USING SOME STRONG
LANGUAGE TO DESCRIBE WHY:
>> HE GAVE THEM 1.7 BILLION
DOLLARS IN CASH -- GREEN CASH,
FROM BANKS -- INTO A BOEING 757
AND FLEW IT INTO IRAN.
AND THEY STOOD AT THE PLANE -- I
HAVE PICTURES OF IT -- LIKE 'OH
MY GOD, LOOK AT THIS MONEY HE'S
GIVING US!
AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE IRANIANS
DID?
THEY LAUGHED AT OBAMA AND THEY
SAID, "HE'S A STUPID SON OF A
BITCH!"
>> JOHN: OKAY, LOTS TO UNPACK
THERE, BUT I'D LIKE TO FOCUS ON
"GREEN CASH FROM BANKS" -- YET
MORE EVIDENCE THIS GUY SEES
EVERYTHING IN CARTOONS.
"THEY HAD BILLIONS IN CASH,
GREEN CASH, FROM BANKS. NOT THE
GOLD PILE OF MONEY THAT THE DUCK
JUMPS INTO -- THE OTHER KIND.
AND THEY FLEW IT TO IRAN REAL
FAST CUZ THE PLANE WENT ACROSS A
LITTLE MAP.
AND WHEN THE IRANIANS SAW IT
THEIR EYES TURNED INTO DOLLAR
SIGNS AND THEIR TONGUES TURNED
INTO BIG WADS OF CASH -- AGAIN,
GREEN, LIKE FROM THE BANKS.
AND THEY WERE ALL LIKE A-WOOGA."
BUT ABOUT THAT SUPPOSED $1.7
BILLION GIFT -- AS HAS BEEN
POINTED OUT FOR YEARS, THAT
WASN'T US JUST HANDING OVER
MONEY, IT WAS US REPAYING A DEBT
OWED TO IRAN, WHICH HAD BOUGHT
MILITARY EQUIPMENT FROM THE U.S.
THAT IT NEVER RECEIVED.
SO AS USUAL, TRUMP SEIZED ON ONE
ACTUAL FACT - THE NUMBER "1.7
BILLION" - AND LAYERED SO MUCH
BULLSHIT ON TOP, IT EVENTUALLY
BECAME SOMETHING TOTALLY
DIFFERENT, LIKE AN OYSTER
TURNING A GRAIN OF SAND INTO A
PEARL, OR AN IMPROV GROUP
TURNING AN AUDIENCE SUGGESTION
INTO A WASTE OF EVERYBODY'S
TIME.
BUT I GUESS IT'S GOOD TO KNOW
THAT TRUMP'S AGAINST IRAN BEING
GIVEN MONEY.
IT JUST MAKES IT A BIT STRANGE
TO LEARN THIS MEMORANDUM
INCLUDES "AT LEAST $300 BILLION"
FOR RECONSTRUCTION AND ECONOMIC
DEVELOPMENT OF IRAN.
AND MAN, IF IRAN CALLED OBAMA A
"STUPID SON OF A BITCH" FOR
GIVING THEM 1.7 BILLION DOLLARS,
I THINK WE'RE ABOUT TO FIND OUT
WHAT THE PERSIAN WORD IS FOR
SOMEONE THREE HUNDRED TIMES
DUMBER THAN THAT.
AS FOR WHAT THE U.S. IS GETTING
OUT OF THIS -- IT SEEMS, NOT A
LOT WE DIDN'T ALREADY HAVE.
IT'S NO WONDER THAT EVEN
REPUBLICANS HAVE EXPRESSED
OUTRAGE AT THE DEAL, WITH TED
CRUZ CALLING IT, "AN
EXCEPTIONALLY BAD IDEA," AND THE
CHAIRMAN OF THE SENATE ARMED
SERVICES COMMITTEE SAYING IT WAS
"COMPLETELY OUT OF STEP WITH THE
PRESIDENT'S GOALS."
AND THEY WEREN'T ALONE.
>> REPUBLICAN SENATOR BILL
CASSIDY POSTING, "BEFORE THE
WAR, THE STRAIT WAS OPEN, IRAN
WAS BEING CRUSHED BY SANCTIONS
AND 13 SERVICE MEMBERS WERE
STILL ALIVE.
NOW, 13 AMERICANS ARE DEAD.
FAMILIES HAVE PAID BILLIONS AT
THE PUMP.
SANCTIONS WILL BE LIFTED AND THE
BOMBING HAS STOPPED."
ADDING, "THIS IS THE WORST
FOREIGN POLICY BLUNDER IN
DECADES."
AND THIS MORNING, PRESIDENT
TRUMP IS FIRING BACK AT HIS
CRITICS, SAYING THOSE WHO THINK
HE HASN'T BEEN TOUGH ENOUGH ON
IRAN ARE, QUOTE, EITHER,
"JEALOUS, BAD PEOPLE OR STUPID."
>> JOHN: LOOK, I GET TRUMP
REFLEXIVELY CALLING CRITICS BAD
AND STUPID, BUT "JEALOUS?"
WHO, EXACTLY, IS JEALOUS OF
TRUMP RIGHT NOW?
THE MAN JUST GOT GLOBALLY
HUMILIATED BY TWO DIFFERENT
BODIES OF WATER.
WHO'S DYING FOR A PIECE OF THAT
ACTION?
MANY OBSERVERS ARGUE THIS
AGREEMENT PUTS IRAN IN A
STRONGER POSITION THAN BEFORE.
ITS LEADERS HAVE ALREADY SAID
THAT THEY HAVE PLANS TO
INTRODUCE FEES TO ACCESS THE
STRAIT OF HORMUZ -- SOMETHING
THEY WEREN'T DOING BEFORE THIS
WAR.
AND U.S. INTELLIGENCE AGENCIES
HAVE ASSESSED THAT IRAN "CAN
EFFECTIVELY SHUT DOWN ACCESS TO
THE STRAIT OF HORMUZ AT WILL
FROM NOW ON," WITH ONE SOURCE
SAYING, "WE'VE NOW HANDED IRAN
DE FACTO CONTROL OVER THE STRAIT
— A WEAPON MORE POWERFUL THAN
ANY NUKE."
AND OF COURSE IT IS!
BEING ABLE TO SHUT DOWN A VITAL
WATERWAY IS EXTREMELY POWERFUL!
REMEMBER WHEN THIS QUEEN SHUT
DOWN THE SUEZ CANAL?
WE ALL HAD A GOOD LAUGH AT THAT.
BUT NOW IMAGINE IF SHE DID THAT
ON PURPOSE, AS AN ACT OF WAR.
NOT SO FUNNY, IS IT?
IRAN ESSENTIALLY NOW HAS A
BUTTON THEY CAN PUSH TO MAKE
U.S. GAS PRICES GO UP, AND
TRUMP'S SIGNALED HE'LL DO
ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING TO KEEP THEM
FROM PRESSING IT.
SO THERE'S NO REASON TO THINK WE
HAVE LEVERAGE TO GET A GOOD DEAL
MOVING FORWARD.
AND IT'S NOT A GREAT SIGN HE'S
ALREADY PUT J.D. VANCE IN CHARGE
OF FINISHING THE DEAL, AND AS A
FOX NEWS REPORTER POINTED OUT,
THERE MAY BE A REASON FOR THAT.
>> IS THERE SOME ELEMENT TO THIS
WHERE YOU SEND THE VICE
PRESIDENT, IF IT WORKS OUT,
GREAT, YOU LOOK LIKE A GENIUS
FOR SENDING HIM, AND IF IT
DOESN'T WORK OUT, IT'S THE VICE
PRESIDENT'S FAULT.
>> I LIKE THAT IDEA, SURE.
THIS WAY IF IT WORKS OUT, I'M
GONNA TAKE THE CREDIT.
IF IT DOESN'T WORK OUT, I'M
BLAMING J.D.!
YOU BETTER BE CAREFUL, J.D.!
HE'S GONNA TURN HIS PLANE AROUND
AND GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE.
YEAH I LIKE THAT IDEA."
>> JOHN: YEAH I BET YOU DO!
YOU KNOW, THE BEST JOKES ALWAYS
HAVE AN ELEMENT OF TRUTH TO
THEM.
"YOU HEAR THAT, J.D.?
PRETTY GOOD, RIGHT!
WOULDN'T THAT BE FUNNY, YOUR
CAREER ENDING AND ME JUST KIND
OF MOVING ON TO THE NEXT THING?
BUT DON'T WORRY, I WOULDN'T DO
THAT, EVEN THOUGH IT'D BE SUPER
EASY AND I PROBABLY WILL.
MY FANS TRIED TO MURDER THE LAST
GUY WHO HAD YOUR JOB.
REMEMBER THAT, J.D.?"
AND LOOK, ULTIMATELY IT'S GOING
TO BE MONTHS OF NEGOTIATION
BEFORE THE KEY DETAILS IN THIS
DEAL ARE HAMMERED OUT, BUT IT
SEEMS PRETTY CLEAR THERE ISN'T
GOING TO BE MUCH UPSIDE TO
TRUMP'S DISASTROUS WAR -- EITHER
FOR US, OR INDEED FOR IRAN'S
PEOPLE, WHOSE HOPES OF CHANGE
AND REVOLUTION SEEM TO HAVE BEEN
DASHED.
BASICALLY, IT LOOKS LIKE TRUMP'S
GOING TO TAKE WHATEVER CRUMBS HE
CAN GET AT THIS POINT, GIVE
IRAN'S LEADERSHIP WHATEVER IT
WANTS, AND LEAVE THE REST OF US
VERY MUCH LIKE THE SCOTS LEFT
EVERY BAR IN BOSTON THIS PAST
WEEK: HIGH AND FUCKING DRY.
AND NOW, THIS.
>> Announcer: AND NOW, WHAT DO
YOU WANT FOR FATHER'S DAY?
>> FATHER'S DAY IS COMING UP ON
SUNDAY.
SO HAVE ANY ONE PLANNED AND YOU
KNOW WHAT TO DO FOR YOUR DAD?
>> NO.
I ASKED CRAIG THIS MORNING,
AGAIN, GREG IF YOU ARE WATCHING,
LET ME KNOW.
>> MY WIFE ASKED WHAT I WANT TO
DO.
I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT
TO DO?
>> SHE SAID WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR
FATHER'S DAY.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT THOUGH --
>> WHAT DO YOU WANT?
>> AS FOR WHAT PEOPLE ARE
BUYING, THE NUMBER 1 IS GREETING
CARDS.
DADS DON'T WANT GREETING CARDS.
>> WHAT DO Y'ALL WANT?
>> ONE TIME I WENT OUT TO DO
SOME MAN ON THE STREET
INTERVIEWS AND ASKED DADS, WHAT
DO YOU WANT FOR FATHER'S DAY?
AND THEY WERE LIKE, NOTHING.
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING FOR
FATHER'S DAY?
>> I DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE IT WAS
FATHER'S DAY UNTIL YESTERDAY.
>> ANYTHING FOR A GIFT?
>> NO, NO.
IT'S FINE.
>> WOULD A MUG BE FINE?
>> SURE.
>> WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
>> I HAVE SOMETHING TO DO AND I
CAN'T REMEMBER IT.
YOU ASKED ME TO FAST.
DON'T KNOW.
YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?
THIS IS GOING TO BE GROSS, BUT
I'VE GOT TO GET A COLONOSCOPY ON
MONDAY.
♪ ♪
>> JOHN: MOVING ON.
OUR MAIN STORY TONIGHT CONCERNS
PIGS.
FAT DOGS IN TAP SHOES.
SPECIFICALLY, WE'RE GOING TO BE
TALKING ABOUT FERAL PIGS, OR
HOGS.
THEY'RE THE THINGS BEING CHASED
IN THIS RECENT VIRAL CLIP FROM
POLAND.
>> HERE'S SOMETHING YOU DON'T
SEE EVERY DAY, A HUMANOID ROBOT
CHASING A HEARD OF WILD BOARS.
THE NOW VIRAL VIDEO FROM POLAND
SHOWS A ROBOT NAMED EDWARD, AS
IT CHASES THE BOARS OUT OF A
WARSAW NEIGHBORHOOD.
EDWARD CAN BE HEARD SHOUTING 'GO
AWAY' IN POLISH, AS THE ANIMALS
FLED INTO THE FOREST, BEFORE
THEN WAVING GOODBYE.
>> JOHN: YEAH, THAT'S REAL!
APPARENTLY, POLAND HAS A
HUMANOID ROBOT NAMED EDWARD, WHO
TOOK IT UPON HIMSELF TO CHASE
OFF SOME FERAL PIGS, THEN
POLITELY WAVE THEM GOODBYE.
WHICH IS A PRETTY CANNY P.R.
CAMPAIGN FOR ANTHROPOMORPHIC
ROBOTS.
ALL I'M SAYING IS, THAT'S A NICE
WAY TO GET US ALL USED TO HIM
BEFORE HE'S INEVITABLY, ONE DAY,
USED AS A WEAPON OF WAR.
"OH NO, EDWARD?!
AT THE HAGUE?!
BUT HE WAS SO CHILL TO THOSE
PIGS!"
BUT FERAL HOGS AREN'T JUST A
PROBLEM IN POLAND -- THERE ARE
LOTS OF THEM IN THE U.S., TOO,
AS YOU MAY REMEMBER FROM THIS
TWEET THAT WENT VIRAL A FEW
YEARS AGO.
>> YOU MIGHT HAVE NOTICED THAT
THE TOP TRENDING TOPIC
EVERYWHERE SEEMED TO BE FERAL
HOGS.
A BIZARRE TURN OF EVENTS WHICH
BEGAN WITH A TWEET FROM A GUY
NAMED WILLIE IN ARKANSAS WHO
ADDED HIS TWO CENTS TO THE
ROILING DEBATE OVER BANNING
ASSAULT WEAPONS.
QUOTE, "LEGIT QUESTION FOR RURAL
AMERICANS -- HOW DO I KILL THE
30 TO 50 FERAL HOGS THAT RUN
INTO MY YARD WITHIN THREE TO
FIVE MINUTES WHILE MY SMALL KIDS
PLAY?"
>> JOHN: YEAH, THE INTERNET
ABSOLUTELY OBSESSED OVER THAT
TWEET.
IT GOT ITS OWN "KNOW YOUR MEME"
PAGE, AND PEOPLE RESPONDED WITH
AN AVALANCHE OF JOKES, LIKE "MY
MILKSHAKE BRINGS 30-50 FERAL
HOGS TO THE YARD."
AND "MY NECK, MY BACK, MY 30-50
FERAL HOG ATTACK."
WHICH IS VERY FUNNY.
TWITTER USED TO BE GOOD.
BUT THE THING IS, THAT GUY
WASN'T EXAGGERATING ABOUT THE
POTENTIAL THREAT OF HOGS.
BECAUSE IT TURNS OUT, THEY'RE
ACTUALLY A MASSIVE PROBLEM.
>> AS BIG AS 400 POUNDS, FAST AS
A CAR, SHARP-TOOTHED, AND
AGGRESSIVE.
FERAL HOGS, WILD BOARS,
RAZORBACKS -- WHATEVER YOU CALL
THEM, THEY ARE ONE OF THE MOST
DESTRUCTIVE SPECIES IN AMERICA."
>> JOHN: THAT'S TRUE.
FERAL HOGS ARE ONE OF THE MOST
DESTRUCTIVE SPECIES IN THE
COUNTRY.
WHICH IS GENUINELY SHOCKING,
BECAUSE LOOK AT THAT THING.
IT LOOKS ADORABLE.
IT'D BE LIKE LEARNING THE NUMBER
ONE PRODUCER OF CARBON EMISSIONS
IS BAYMAX.
SURE HE'S A ROBOTIC HEALTHCARE
PROVIDER WHO LOOKS LIKE A
MARSHMALLOW, BUT TURNS OUT, HIS
FARTS ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR
KILLING MOST OF THE BEES.
AND IF THAT WASN'T ALREADY BAD
ENOUGH, FERAL HOGS ARE ALSO
SPREADING AT AN ALARMING RATE --
AND NOT JUST IN RURAL AMERICA.
JUST LISTEN TO THIS MAN, WHO
LIVES IN A SUBURB OF DALLAS.
>> TED FAULKNER HAS LIVED IN
SOUTH MESQUITE FOR 17 YEARS.
>> THEY LOOK LIKE COWS.
>> AND THE ENTIRE TIME HE'S
DEALT WITH FERAL HOGS.
AS OF LATE, HE SAYS THEY'VE BEEN
COMING AROUND MORE FREQUENTLY.
>> OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!
>> THERE ARE SIX TO EIGHT TO TEN
HOGS.
AND SOME ARE AS LARGE AS COWS.
>> JOHN: YEAH, AND THAT'S NOT A
ONE-OFF -- THERE'S A BUNCH OF
RING CAMERA FOOTAGE OF FERAL
HOGS ROAMING VARIOUS U.S.
SUBURBS.
SO HOGS CAN NOW OFFICIALLY JOIN
THE USUAL BLEND OF RING CAMERA
CONTENT: DANCING UPS DRIVERS,
RACCOONS BEING SNEAKY LITTLE
GUYS, AND SCREAMING
CONFRONTATIONS BETWEEN NEIGHBORS
AS THE INCREASING TECHNOLOGICAL
DISTANCE BETWEEN US CONVERTS
WHAT WAS ONCE A SHARED COMMUNITY
INTO A PARANOID SURVEILLANCE
DYSTOPIA.
YOU KNOW, RING CAMERA STUFF.
THE POINT IS, THERE ARE A LOT
MORE FERAL HOGS IN THE U.S. THAN
YOU MAY THINK.
THE USDA ESTIMATES THERE ARE
CURRENTLY OVER SIX MILLION FERAL
SWINE IN THE US, AND THAT
THEY'RE RESPONSIBLE FOR OVER
THREE BILLION DOLLARS IN DAMAGE
TO U.S. AGRICULTURE EACH YEAR.
AND THEY'RE SPREADING, FAST.
IN THE PAST THIRTY YEARS, HOGS
HAVE EXPANDED THEIR RANGE FROM
20 STATES TO 36.
AND EXPERTS HAVE REFERRED TO
THEIR INCREASE IN NUMBERS AS A
"PIG BOMB," THAT COULD HAVE
DEVASTATING EFFECTS ON FOOD
PRODUCTION AND THE ENVIRONMENT.
WHICH IS SURPRISING BOTH ON ITS
FACE, AND BECAUSE I CAN'T
BELIEVE THE TERM "PIG BOMB"
HADN'T ALREADY BEEN TAKEN BY
SOMETHING ON THE DENNY'S MENU.
AND ALL OF THAT ISN'T EVEN
TAKING INTO ACCOUNT STORIES LIKE
THIS:
>> A WARNING THIS MORNING ABOUT
THE GROWING DANGERS FROM FERAL
HOGS.
THESE PIGS WERE BLAMED FOR THE
GRUESOME DEATH OF A WOMAN IN
TEXAS LAST WEEK, AND NOW EXPERTS
ARE SAYING THAT INCIDENTS LIKE
THESE ARE LIKELY TO BECOME MORE
COMMON ACROSS THE UNITED STATES.
MILDER WINTERS CAUSED BY CLIMATE
CHANGE ARE HELPING THE
POPULATION EXPLODE.
WILD PIGS ARE DESTRUCTIVE, THEY
ARE EXTREMELY DIFFICULT TO
CONTROL, AND THEY ARE
STATISTICALLY MORE DANGEROUS
THAN SHARKS.
>> JOHN: YEAH!
THAT'S ACTUALLY TRUE.
WILD PIGS HAVE KILLED SLIGHTLY
MORE PEOPLE THAN SHARKS
WORLDWIDE IN THE PAST TWENTY
YEARS.
ALTHOUGH TO BE FAIR:
STATISTICALLY, LOTS OF ANIMALS
ARE MORE DANGEROUS THAN SHARKS.
COWS KILL MORE PEOPLE THAN THEY
DO, FOR EXAMPLE.
AND YET THE COWARDS AT DISCOVERY
CHANNEL STILL REFUSE TO DO COW
WEEK.
WHY?
BECAUSE THEY'RE AFRAID OF COWS.
AS, TO BE HONEST, THEY FUCKING
SHOULD BE.
NOW, LUCKILY, IT IS STILL NOT
LIKELY THAT FERAL HOGS WILL KILL
YOU.
BUT AS YOU'RE ABOUT TO SEE, THEY
CAN STILL DO A LOT OF DAMAGE IN
OTHER WAYS -- TO THE POINT WHERE
MANY RESEARCHERS CONSIDER THEM
THE MOST DESTRUCTIVE INVASIVE
SPECIES ON THE PLANET.
SO GIVEN THAT, TONIGHT, LET'S
TALK ABOUT FERAL HOGS -- WHERE
THEY CAME FROM, THE DAMAGE
THEY'RE DOING, AND HOW WE CAN
FIGHT BACK.
AND LET'S START WITH THE FACT
THAT FERAL HOGS AREN'T NATIVE TO
THE U.S.
IN FACT, NO PIG OR ANY OTHER
MEMBER OF THE SWINE FAMILY IS
NATIVE TO THE WESTERN
HEMISPHERE.
BUT OVER THE CENTURIES, AS
PEOPLE CAME FROM ALL OVER THE
WORLD, THEY BROUGHT PIGS WITH
THEM.
FIRST, DOMESTICATED PIGS WERE
BROUGHT OVER BY CHRISTOPHER
COLUMBUS, IN WHAT'S REMEMBERED
AS HIS ONLY MORAL FAILING.
AND LATER, IN THE 19TH CENTURY,
THEY WERE JOINED BY WILD BOAR,
WHICH WERE BROUGHT OVER TO
PROVIDE A NEW GAME SPECIES FOR
WEALTHY HUNTERS.
MANY OF THOSE PIGS AND BOARS
THEN ESCAPED CAPTIVITY AND IN
SOME CASES BRED TOGETHER,
EVENTUALLY BECOMING THE HYBRID
FERAL SWINE WE HAVE TODAY.
AND PART OF THE REASON THEY
SURVIVED SO WELL IN THE WILD IS
THAT ASIDE FROM HUMANS, PIGS
HAVE VERY FEW NATURAL PREDATORS.
THEY'RE ALSO INCREDIBLY
RESOURCEFUL.
THEY CAN EAT A VARIETY OF FOODS.
AND WHILE THEY MAINLY THRIVE IN
SOUTHERN STATES, EVEN IN COLD
CLIMATES, THEY CAN BURROW INTO
THE SNOW, CREATING SO-CALLED
"PIGLOOS" TO SURVIVE THE WINTER.
WHICH IS -- AND THIS IS TRUE --
CUTE.
THEY ALSO APPARENTLY MAINTAIN
COMPLEX SOCIAL RELATIONSHIPS,
CAN CHOOSE TO RESOLVE CONFLICTS
WITHOUT VIOLENCE, AND SEEM TO
UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY SEE IN A
MIRROR.
WHICH, OBVIOUSLY, WE ALREADY
KNEW.
SHE CAN RESOLVE CONFLICTS
WITHOUT VIOLENCE; SHE JUST
CHOOSES NOT TO.
IF THERE'S ONE THING A PIG IS
GONNA DO, IT'S ESCALATE THE
SITUATION.
AS FOR THE PREVALENCE OF THESE
HOGS, A KEY THING YOU NEED TO
UNDERSTAND IS, THEY CANNOT STOP
FUCKING.
>> ONE SOW BECOMES
REPRODUCTIVELY ACTIVE WHEN SHE'S
SEVEN OR EIGHT MONTHS OLD.
SHE CAN HAVE A LITTER OF SIX
EVERY TIME SHE HAS A LITTER.
SO, IN FIVE YEARS, ONE SOW COULD
HAVE 1,000 DESCENDANTS.
>> JOHN: YEAH, THAT'S A LOT OF
PIG BIRTHS.
AND LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO SAY "I
TOLD YOU SO," BUT I THINK IT'S
TIME TO ADMIT THAT
ABSTINENCE-ONLY PIG SEX
EDUCATION JUST ISN'T WORKING.
BECAUSE THE PIGS ARE GONNA FUCK.
LOOK AT ME: THE PIGS ARE GOING
TO FUCK.
AND AS THEIR POPULATION HAS
GROWN, FERAL HOGS HAVE BEGUN TO
DRIFT FROM RURAL ENVIRONMENTS
INTO SUBURBAN AND EVEN URBAN
ONES.
AND IT CAN BE PRETTY ALARMING TO
SUDDENLY SEE THEM IN YOUR
NEIGHBORHOOD.
>> RESIDENTS IN THE SOUTHERN
SECTION OF THE FLORIDA SHORES
SUBDIVISION, AROUND 35TH AND
YULE TREE, WOKE UP THIS MORNING
TO FIND THEIR LAWNS LOOKING MORE
LIKE TOSSED SALAD.
AND IT'S NOT THE FIRST TIME.
THEY'RE FED UP WITH WILD HOGS
HAVING THEIR WAY WITH THE
PROPERTIES HERE.
>> RUNNING ALL OVER THE PLACE.
GOING [EMPHATIC OINKING] LIKE
THEY'RE PLAYING.
>> JOHN: EXCELLENT.
I WANT TO SEE THAT MAN WEIGH IN
ON ALL LOCAL NEWS STORIES.
A STABBING AT THE LOCAL STRIP
MALL?
"THEY'RE TAKING KNIVES OUT,
GOING REE REE REE REE AND THEN
BLOOD PSSHHHHHHH PSHHHHHHHH. THE
GUY'S LIKE OWWWWWW OWWWWWW THE
LIGHT!
LIKE HE'S DYING."
BUT AS SILLY AS DOING A PIG
IMPRESSION ON THE NEWS IS, ANY
TIME YOU HAVE WILD ANIMALS
CROSSING OVER INTO HEAVILY
POPULATED AREAS, IT CAN BE VERY
DANGEROUS.
AS ONE EXPERT SAID THAT "HITTING
A TWO- OR THREE-HUNDRED-POUND
PIG ON A HIGHWAY IS NOT THAT
MUCH DIFFERENT THAN HITTING A
TWO- OR THREE-HUNDRED-POUND
ROCK."
AND IT'S NOT JUST CARS -- TWO
F-16 FIGHTER JETS CRASHED AFTER
THEY HIT PIGS ON A RUNWAY.
BUT THE MAIN DAMAGE THESE HOGS
DO IS ENVIRONMENTAL, AS THEY NOT
ONLY EAT FARMERS' CROPS, BUT CAN
DESTROY SEEDLINGS BY ROOTING IN
THE DIRT.
THERE ARE FIELDS THAT'VE BEEN
TOTALLY DESTROYED BY THEM.
AND WHILE THEY'RE ROOTING, HOGS
CAN BREAK UP IRRIGATION LINES
AND INFRASTRUCTURE ON FARMS, AND
LEAVE HOLES IN FIELDS THAT CAN
SINK A TRACTOR AND DESTROY
EXPENSIVE EQUIPMENT.
AND THE THING IS, THEY SEEM TO
DO THIS NO MATTER THE CROP.
ONE EXPERT EVEN SAID "WE HAVEN'T
BEEN ABLE TO FIND A CROP THAT
FERAL SWINE WON'T EAT."
THAT INCLUDES EVERYTHING FROM
CORN TO SOYBEANS TO PEANUTS.
APPARENTLY, HOGS LOVE PEANUTS.
AND DON'T JUST TAKE THAT FROM ME
-- LISTEN TO THIS FORMER STATE
AGRICULTURE COMMISSIONER.
>> HOGS LOVE PEANUTS.
>> JOHN: SEE?
I TOLD YOU!
YOU DIDN'T BELIEVE ME, DID YOU?
YOU THOUGHT "BULLSHIT, YOU'RE
THE LAST PERSON I'D TRUST TO
TELL ME WHETHER OR NOT HOGS LOVE
PEANUTS."
BUT NOW THAT MISSISSIPPI STATE
COMMISSIONER OF AGRICULTURE AND
COMMERCE LESTER SPELL SAYS IT,
SUDDENLY YOU'RE ALL "OH,
EVERYONE KNOWS HOGS LOVE
PEANUTS, JOHN.
IT'S NOT NEWS."
AND ON TOP OF ALL THIS, HOGS
WILL EVEN THREATEN LIVESTOCK.
>> THE BIG BOARS ARE OUR MAIN
PROBLEM.
THEY WILL KILL THE NEWBORN LAMBS
AND KID GOATS THAT ARE RIGHT
THERE ON THE MATING GROUND
BECAUSE THAT'S WHEN THEY'RE MOST
VULNERABLE IS WHEN THEY'RE
YOUNG, AND THEY'LL COME ALONG
THROUGH THERE AND THEY'LL EAT
THOSE KIDS AND LAMBS, JUST LIKE
A THREE-YEAR-OLD WOULD M&M'S.
>> JOHN: YEAH, THAT'S PRETTY
ALARMING.
THOUGH, QUICK SIDE NOTE ON HIS
ANALOGY THERE: YOU DON'T HAVE TO
BE THREE YEARS OLD TO ABSOLUTELY
HORK DOWN A BOWL OF M&MS.
NO ONE'S SAVORING THEM AT ANY
AGE.
NO ELDERS ARE OUT THERE DIGGING
IN WITH A KNIFE AND A FORK.
NO, THE FDA CLASSIFIES M&MS AS
AN INHALANT FOR A REASON.
THE PROPER WAY TO EAT THEM IS TO
POUR THEM INTO YOUR OPEN MOUTH
LIKE A BABY BIRD AND FEEL
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AFTERWARDS.
AND IT'S NOT JUST LAMBS.
HOGS PREY ON FAWNS AND
ENDANGERED SALAMANDERS, AND RAID
THE CLUTCHES OF GROUND-NESTING
BIRDS AND THREATENED SEA
TURTLES.
IN FACT, ONE EXPERT SAID THAT
"WE HAVE TAKEN FERAL SWINE AND
IN NECROPSIES SHOWN THEIR ENTIRE
STOMACH AND INTESTINES ARE FULL
OF BABY SEA TURTLES."
WHICH IS ONE OF THE MOST
DISTURBING THINGS YOU COULD FIND
INSIDE A DEAD HOG, OTHER THAN
MAYBE A SKELETON LABELED "THE
REAL TOM HANKS."
I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS THERE,
INCLUDING: WHY THE NAMETAG?
ALSO: IF HE'S IN THERE, WHO WAS
IN "A MAN CALLED OTTO"?
Y'KNOW, I GUESS I ENDED UP ONLY
HAVING TWO QUESTIONS, BUT
THEY'RE BIG ONES, AND I DO WANT
ANSWERS.
AND WHEN YOU TAKE HOGS' IMPACT
ON AGRICULTURE AND WILDLIFE
TOGETHER, IT'S NO WONDER SOME OF
THOSE WHO STUDY THEM DESCRIBE
HOGS IN APOCALYPTIC TERMS.
>> FERAL HOGS ARE AN ECOLOGICAL
TRAINWRECK.
FERAL HOGS ARE COMPETITORS FOR
NATIVE WILDLIFE, THEY'RE NEST
PREDATORS FOR ANYTHING THAT LAYS
AN EGG ON THE GROUND, AND
THEY'RE A SIGNIFICANT SOURCE OF
MORTALITY FOR SENSITIVE SPECIES
AND ENDANGERED SPECIES.
>> JOHN: IT TURNS OUT, EVER
SINCE PIGS SHOWED UP IN AMERICA,
THEY'VE SET ABOUT ANNIHILATING
ANY LIVING THING THEY CAME IN
CONTACT WITH.
SO, I GUESS BEING AROUND
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS MUST'VE
REALLY RUBBED OFF ON THEM.
IT HAS BEEN ESTIMATED THAT FERAL
SWINE HAVE PLAYED A ROLE IN THE
DECLINE OF NEARLY 300 NATIVE
PLANTS AND ANIMALS IN THE U.S.
ALONE.
OVER 250 OF WHICH ARE THREATENED
OR ENDANGERED.
IN FACT, RESEARCH SHOWS THAT A
HABITAT WHERE HOGS ARE PRESENT
IS MORE THAN A QUARTER LESS
BIOLOGICALLY DIVERSE THAN ONE
WHERE THEY'RE NOT.
AND IF YOU'RE STILL NOT
CONVINCED THAT HOGS ARE BAD
NEWS, FIRST, CONGRATULATIONS ON
BEING THE BIGGEST RIDE-OR-DIE
HOG FAN ON THE PLANET.
AND SECOND: WE HAVEN'T EVEN
GOTTEN TO THE POTENTIAL FOR
DISEASE OUTBREAKS YET.
FERAL SWINE CARRY OVER 30
PATHOGENS AND 40 PARASITES, MANY
OF WHICH CAN INFECT WILDLIFE.
THEY CAN INTRODUCE DISEASES LIKE
GIARDIA, SALMONELLA AND E. COLI
INTO THE WATER SUPPLY.
AND THE WORRY IS THAT AN
OUTBREAK INVOLVING FERAL PIGS
WOULD BE INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT TO
CONTAIN.
BUT EVEN THE DISEASES THAT DON'T
THREATEN HUMANS DIRECTLY CAN
STILL CARRY OTHER RISKS.
FOR INSTANCE, PSEUDORABIES ISN'T
A THREAT TO PEOPLE, BUT IS
USUALLY FATAL TO OTHER ANIMALS.
THEN THERE'S AFRICAN SWINE
FEVER, WHICH THANKFULLY HASN'T
SHOWN UP IN AMERICA YET, BUT
GIVEN OUR GROWING FERAL HOG
POPULATION, IT COULD ONLY BE A
MATTER OF TIME.
ONE EXPERT WARNED "IF AN ANIMAL
DISEASE LIKE AFRICAN SWINE FEVER
OR HOOF-AND-MOUTH GETS INTO
THESE ANIMALS, IT WILL BE ALMOST
IMPOSSIBLE TO STOP."
"IT WILL SHUT DOWN OUR LIVESTOCK
INDUSTRY."
AND IF YOU'RE THINKING "WELL,
SURE, THAT SOUNDS FRIGHTENING.
BUT IT'S NOT LIKE INFECTED PIGS
CAN JUST BUY A PLANE TICKET AND
FLY HERE."
WELL, KINDA!
>> WELL, SOME PORK PROBLEMS AT
HARTSFIELD-JACKSON.
AIRPORT OFFICIALS DISCOVER A
COOKED PIG IN CHECKED LUGGAGE.
OFFICIALS SAY K-9 HARDY, A
MEMBER OF THE AIRPORT'S BEAGLE
BRIGADE, ALERTED THEM TO THE
BAGGAGE OF A TRAVELER FROM
ECUADOR.
AND INSIDE, SPECIALISTS
DISCOVERED THIS, A NEARLY
TWO-POUND ROASTED PIG HEAD.
>> JOHN: LOOK: THERE HAVE BEEN
SOME HAPPY MOMENTS IN MY LIFE.
THE BIRTH OF MY CHILDREN, MY
WEDDING, YADDA YADDA, BUT I
DON'T THINK I'VE EVER
EXPERIENCED A JOY AS PURE AS
THAT BEAGLE WHO JUST FOUND TWO
POUNDS OF ROASTED PIG FACE.
WHEN YOU'RE AN AIRPORT DOG YOU
SPEND ALL YOUR TIME FINDING
BORING THINGS LIKE GUNS OR
COCAINE.
BUT THAT IS THE FACE OF A DOG
WHO JUST SCORED HIMSELF A
SURPRISE LUAU.
AND LOOK: WE'RE ALL LUCKY THAT
PIG GOT INTERCEPTED.
BUT I HOPE THEY WERE CAREFUL IN
DISPOSING OF IT.
BECAUSE EXPERTS WE TALKED TO
POINTED OUT THAT, IF IT HAD BEEN
INFECTED, HADN'T BEEN FULLY
COOKED, AND WAS JUST DUMPED INTO
A LANDFILL, FERAL HOGS OFTEN
FEED THERE, AND COULD WELL HAVE
ENDED UP SPREADING THE DISEASE
ANYWAY.
THE POINT IS, CLEARLY, AN
UNCONTROLLED FERAL HOG
POPULATION IS BAD FOR A LOT OF
REASONS.
AND WE'VE ACTUALLY BEEN TRYING
ALL SORTS OF WAYS TO CONTAIN IT,
BUT WITH VARYING DEGREES OF
SUCCESS.
FIRST, THERE'S HUNTING.
SPORT HUNTING CAN UNDENIABLY BE
A POWERFUL TOOL FOR CONTROLLING
ANIMAL POPULATIONS.
AND SOME STATES HAVE LOOSENED
LAWS TO ENCOURAGE MORE PIG
HUNTING IN PARTICULAR --
ELIMINATING SEASONS AND BAG
LIMITS, AND BASICALLY DOING
EVERYTHING THEY CAN TO ENCOURAGE
HUNTERS TO KILL AS MANY HOGS AS
POSSIBLE.
WITH TEXAS PROBABLY GOING THE
FURTHEST:
>> IT IS NOW LEGAL TO KILL A
FERAL HOG IN THE STATE OF TEXAS,
EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE A HUNTING
LICENSE.
THIS LAW IS THE LEAST
RESTRICTIVE YET FOR TEXAS
PROPERTY OWNERS.
NO QUESTIONS ASKED, NO LICENSE
NEEDED.
>> JOHN: YEAH -- NO LICENSE, NO
QUESTIONS ASKED.
ALTHOUGH I GUESS IF ANY STATE
WAS GOING TO LEAD THE WAY ON
THIS, IT'D BE TEXAS, THE PLACE
WHERE LOCAL NEWS STARTS EVERY
MORNING WITH A LIST OF THE
THINGS IT'S NOW LEGAL TO KILL.
"GOOD MORNING TEXAS, TODAY: IT'S
MIMES!
MIMES ARE ON THE LIST.
SO GRAB YOUR GUN AND HAPPY
HUNTING.
I'VE ALREADY GOT MY MIME CALL
RIGHT HERE:
[SILENCE]
IT'S SILENT.
JUST A LITTLE MIME HUNTING JOKE
THERE.
SERIOUSLY THOUGH, IT'S OPEN
SEASON ON MIMES TODAY.
HUNT THEM AND PUT THEM IN A
BOX."
AND WITH ENCOURAGEMENT LIKE
THAT, IT'S NO SURPRISE THAT,
AFTER WHITE-TAILED DEER, FERAL
PIGS ARE NOW THE MOST POPULAR
BIG GAME ANIMAL IN NORTH
AMERICA.
AND THAT CAN SEEM LIKE A
WIN-WIN.
AFTER ALL, HOGS NEED TO BE
GOTTEN RID OF, AND HUNTERS LOVE
GOING AFTER THEM -- ESPECIALLY
BECAUSE THEY'RE A CHALLENGING
QUARRY, BECAUSE THEY'RE SO
SMART.
FOR INSTANCE, HUNTERS USED TO GO
AFTER THEM DURING THE DAY, BUT
PIGS THEN RESPONDED BY BECOMING
LARGELY NOCTURNAL.
AND THAT INTELLIGENCE HAS
CREATED A COTTAGE INDUSTRY OF
TECHNIQUES TO TRY AND OUTSMART
PIGS, INCLUDING MY ABSOLUTE
FAVORITE, THIS DEVICE:
>> OKAY, FOR YOU HUNTERS THAT
HOG HUNT, THIS IS IT.
KNIGHT & HALE'S HOG CALL.
WITH THIS ONE, ALL YOU GOTTA DO
IS BLOW IN IT AND JUST SEE THAT
HOG OUT THERE.
YOU KNOW THE SOUND.
THAT'S THE HOG CALL BY KNIGHT &
HALE.
>> JOHN: IS IT THOUGH?
I GUESS IT DEPENDS: ARE HOGS
ATTRACTED TO THE SOUND OF A
KAZOO BEING VIOLENTLY MURDERED?
LOOK, I'M NO EXPERT IN HOG
CALLING, BUT I DO HAVE IT ON
PRETTY GOOD AUTHORITY WHAT THEY
SOUND LIKE.
[EMPHATIC HOG NOISES]
EXACTLY.
MAYBE CONSULT WITH THAT GUY NEXT
TIME.
BUT WHILE SOME HOG HUNTERS RELY
ON CALLS, OTHERS HAVE RESORTED
TO MORE EXTREME ADVANTAGES:
>> THE PROBLEM HAS GOTTEN SO BAD
HERE, IT'S LEGAL TO HUNT HOGS
FROM THE SKY.
>> IT'S LOADED.
>> YOU DON'T EVEN NEED A LICENSE
TO KILL, FIRING OUT OF SO-CALLED
"PORK CHOPPERS."
>> THE HELICOPTER HOG HUNTING IS
THE NUMBER ONE MOST EFFECTIVE
WAY TO HUNT PIGS.
>> GOOD SHOT, BABY!
>> THANK YOU!
>> JOHN: IT'S TRUE: PEOPLE NOW
HUNT HOGS FROM HELICOPTERS,
WHICH SOUNDS LIKE THE SORT OF
ACTIVITY YOU'D PLAN IF YOU ASKED
CHATGPT TO INVENT A NEW BACHELOR
PARTY ACTIVITY FROM SCRATCH.
AND APPARENTLY, THEY GENUINELY
ARE CALLED "PORKCHOPPERS," WHICH
IS CLEARLY VERY GOOD.
WHEN YOU COME UP WITH A PUN LIKE
THAT, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, NOT
SHOOT RIFLES AT PIGS FROM
AIRCRAFT?
COME ON.
PORKCHOPPERING HAS NOW BECOME AN
EXTREMELY POPULAR WAY TO HUNT
HOGS.
NOT ONLY DOES THE USDA DO IT,
BUT STATES LIKE TEXAS HAVE
TURNED IT INTO SOMETHING OF A
TOURISM INDUSTRY.
A FEW YEARS AGO, TEXAS EVEN
LEGALIZED HUNTING HOGS BY
HOT-AIR BALLOON, SOMETHING
NOBODY SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN
INTERESTED IN DOING, GIVEN THE
HEAD OF THE BALLOON FEDERATION
OF AMERICA TOLD REPORTERS, "I
HAVE NEVER HAD A PHONE CALL FROM
ANYBODY ASKING TO DO THIS, I
THINK THAT PEOPLE HAVE NOT
STOPPED LAUGHING YET."
AND YOU KNOW A PROPOSAL IS
STUPID WHEN IT'S LAUGHED DOWN BY
THE HEAD OF THE BALLOON
FEDERATION OF AMERICA.
BUT THERE ARE REAL PROBLEMS WITH
JUST RELYING ON HUNTING TO BE
THE SOLUTION HERE.
FOR ONE, HOGS ARE REPRODUCING
FASTER THAN THEY CAN BE HUNTED.
TO ERADICATE THEM, THEIR
POPULATION MUST DROP 60 TO 80
PERCENT EACH YEAR.
AND IN A BUSY YEAR, RECREATIONAL
HUNTERS KILL ONLY ABOUT 24
PERCENT.
BUT HUNTING ISN'T JUST
INSUFFICIENT -- IT MAY ACTUALLY
BE MAKING THE PROBLEM WORSE.
BECAUSE HOGS ARE SUCH AN
APPEALING GAME ANIMAL, SOME
BUSINESSES STARTED TRANSPORTING
THEM TO NEW STATES, SO THEY
COULD BE HUNTED THERE.
AND UNSURPRISINGLY, MANY OF
THOSE WHO IMPORTED PIGS TO THEIR
AREA FOR HUNTING HAVE SINCE COME
TO SERIOUSLY REGRET IT.
>> A LOT OF THESE HUNTERS AND
HUNTING CLUBS CAN REMEMBER 20 OR
30 YEARS AGO WHEN PIGS WERE
ACTUALLY BROUGHT IN.
NOW, IF YOU ASK THOSE PEOPLE
TODAY, THEY WOULD TELL YOU THEY
MADE A HUGE MISTAKE.
>> JOHN: YEAH, I BET!
AND LOOK, I MIGHT BE MORE
SYMPATHETIC TO SOMEONE WHO
BROUGHT ANIMALS WHERE THEY DON'T
BELONG BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT IT'D
BE FUN, ONLY TO LOSE CONTROL OF
THEM AND WATCH THEM DESTROY
EVERYTHING, IF THAT WASN'T
LITERALLY THE PLOT OF "JURASSIC
PARK."
OR, IN THIS CASE, I GUESS,
JURASSIC "PORK," OBVIOUSLY.
SO CLEARLY, HUNTING ISN'T GOING
TO BE THE SOLE ANSWER HERE.
BUT UNFORTUNATELY, EVERY OTHER
OPTION ALSO HAS ITS PROS AND
CONS.
FOR INSTANCE, THERE'S TRAPPING,
WHICH ALLOWS YOU TO CAPTURE
ENTIRE GROUPS OF HOGS AT THE
SAME TIME.
THAT SOUNDS GOOD!
THE CHALLENGE THERE, THOUGH, IS
PIGS -- AS I'VE MENTIONED -- ARE
VERY SMART, AND TEND TO LEARN
FAST.
>> I HAVE TRAPS THAT I NO LONGER
USE BECAUSE THE HOGS HAVE
FIGURED OUT HOW TO GET OUT OF
THEM.
SEE HOW THEY'RE PILING UP?
THEY'RE FORMING A PIG PYRAMID.
IT'S KIND OF FOR PROTECTION,
THEY TRY TO GET UNDERNEATH EACH
OTHER.
THEY'LL ATTACK THAT CORNER.
AND A LOT OF TIMES WHAT THEY DO
IS THEY'LL RUN OUT OVER THE TOP
OF EACH OTHER AND JUMP OUT.
>> JOHN: THAT'S BOTH IMPRESSIVE,
AND PRETTY HUMBLING.
PIGS GET CAUGHT IN A TRAP ONCE
AND INSTANTLY FIGURE OUT HOW TO
GET OUT OF IT.
MEANWHILE, THIS MORNING, I
PUSHED A DOOR THAT SAID PULL IN
THE BUILDING I'VE WORKED IN FOR
THIRTEEN YEARS.
AND THEY MIGHT NOT EVEN NEED TO
BUILD SOMETHING AS ELABORATE AS
A PIG PYRAMID, GIVEN THAT
SOMETIMES, THEY'LL GET OUT WITH
PURE DETERMINATION, AS THIS MAN
DISCOVERED WHEN HE TAUNTED A PIG
HE FOUND IN HIS TRAP:
>> HE'S A LITTLE PISSED OFF.
HOW YOU DOING BUDDY?
LET'S SEE, LOOK AT THIS -- OH
FUCK.
MOTHERFUCKER.
>> JOHN: WOW.
THERE ARE VERY FEW INSTANCES OF
SOMEONE BEING AS COMPLETELY
OWNED BY A PIG AS THAT.
IT'S BASICALLY JUST THAT GUY,
AND THE SHEEPDOG WHO CAME IN
SECOND AT THE END OF THE MOVIE
"BABE."
"I LOST A SHEEP HERDING CONTEST
TO A PIG.
WHAT DO I EVEN DO NOW?"
AND THE CRUCIAL THING ABOUT
TRAPPING PIGS IS, YOU NEED TO
CATCH THE ENTIRE GROUP -- OR
"SOUNDER" -- ALL AT ONCE.
BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T GET THE
WHOLE SOUNDER, THE TRAP IN THAT
LOCATION IS NO LONGER REALLY
VIABLE, BECAUSE THEY'LL
BASICALLY COMMUNICATE "THAT'S
NOT SOME PLACE TO GO."
THAT'S WHY SOME HAVE PUSHED FOR
A MORE EXTREME ALTERNATIVE:
POISON.
RESEARCHERS HAVE SPENT YEARS
TESTING POISON OPTIONS, BUT
UNFORTUNATELY, THE IDEAL HOG
BAIT -- ONE THAT CAN KILL THEM
HUMANELY WITHOUT RISKING HURTING
PEOPLE OR OTHER ANIMALS --
HASN'T BEEN DISCOVERED YET.
AND NOT FOR LACK OF TRYING.
A FEW YEARS BACK, TEXAS'S
AGRICULTURE COMMISSIONER PUSHED
FOR THE USE OF A POISON CALLED
"WARFARIN," UNDER THE BRAND NAME
"KAPUT", BUT MANY HUNTERS,
WILDLIFE ORGANIZATIONS, AND PORK
PRODUCERS PUSHED BACK, CITING
THE OBVIOUS ISSUE WITH
INTRODUCING A TOXIC INGREDIENT
INTO A WHOLE ECOSYSTEM:
>> YOU KNOW, BECAUSE YOU GOT A
DEER COMES UP AND EATS IT, HE
DIES.
A BUZZARD COMES UP AND EATS THE
DEER, HE DIES.
THEN YOU GOT COONS THAT EAT THE
LEFTOVERS THAT ARE ON THE
GROUND.
THEY DIE.
I MEAN, YOU NEVER KNOW.
IT'S JUST A CHAIN REACTION.
>> JOHN: YEAH, THAT MAKES SENSE!
IT'S NOT LIKE YOU CAN JUST PUT
UP A SIGN IN THE WOODS THAT SAYS
"DELICIOUS TREATS FOR PIGS
ONLY", FOR A BUNCH OF REASONS.
ONE: DEER CAN'T READ, AND TWO:
RACCOONS FAMOUSLY DON'T
RECOGNIZE AUTHORITY.
"FUCK YOU, OPPRESSOR!
LIVE FREE AND EAT TRASH."
RESEARCHERS HAVE TRIED TO
DEVELOP ALL SORTS OF TACTICS TO
ENSURE THAT ONLY PIGS EAT POISON
BAIT, INCLUDING PUTTING IT IN A
CONTAINER WITH A 17-LB LID --
ALTHOUGH UNFORTUNATELY, THAT
STILL DOESN'T KEEP OUT BEARS,
WHO WOULD REMAIN AT RISK OF
GETTING POISONED.
THEY'VE EVEN TRIED THIS:
>> A NEW TYPE OF FEEDER IS BEING
TESTED AT LSU THAT WOULD ONLY
DISTRIBUTE POISONED BAIT THROUGH
TECHNOLOGY THAT RECOGNIZES FERAL
HOGS THROUGH THEIR VOICE.
ACCORDING TO COMMISSIONER
STRAIN, THIS OINK RECOGNITION
TECHNOLOGY COULD USHER THE
RETURN OF KAPUT IF IT PROVES TO
JUST TARGET PIGS.
>> JOHN: LOOK, IT'S NOT THE
POINT, BUT CREDIT TO WHOEVER
WROTE THE PHRASE "THIS OINK
RECOGNITION TECHNOLOGY COULD
USHER IN THE RETURN OF KAPUT."
BECAUSE THAT'S JUST A BEAUTIFUL
CONCUSSION OF WORDS.
THERE SHOULD BE A MINI-PULITZER
FOR SENTENCES AND IT SHOULD BE
YOURS.
UNFORTUNATELY, THERE ARE REAL
QUESTIONS REGARDING CRUELTY WHEN
IT COMES TO WARFARIN, AS IT CAN
CAUSE A SLOW, DAYS-LONG DEATH
DUE TO INTERNAL BLEEDING.
THAT'S WHY, WHEN AUSTRALIA
CONSIDERED USING IT, IT
EVENTUALLY CONCLUDED THAT THE
METHOD OF DEATH WAS SO CRUEL
THAT USE OF WARFARIN SHOULD BE
OUTLAWED.
MEANWHILE, STILL OTHER
RESEARCHERS HAVE LOOKED INTO
CONTRACEPTIVE BAIT, WHICH WOULD
NEUTRALIZE HOGS' ABILITY TO
REPRODUCE.
WHICH HONESTLY SOUNDS LIKE THE
BEST SOLUTION.
THERE'S EVEN A PRODUCT OUT THERE
RIGHT NOW CALLED "HOGSTOP",
WHICH CLAIMS IT'S EFFECTIVE AT
LOWERING SPERM COUNT IN BOARS.
THE PROBLEM THERE THOUGH, IT'S
FEMALE HOGS THAT DRIVE
FERTILITY, GIVEN THAT ONE SOW
CAN HAVE MULTIPLE MALE PIG
FATHERS IN A GIVEN LITTER.
SO IDEALLY, THERE'D BE A
CONTRACEPTIVE TARGETING THE SOWS
AS WELL AS THE BOARS -- BUT
THERE ISN'T, YET.
THE BOTTOM LINE HERE IS THAT AS
IT STANDS, NO SINGLE METHOD IS
GOING TO BE ABLE TO CONTROL OUR
FERAL HOG POPULATION BY ITSELF.
INSTEAD, IT'S GOING TO TAKE A
BUNCH OF TOOLS.
AND THE KEY THING IS TO USE THEM
WISELY, BECAUSE ALMOST ALL OF
THEM COULD BACKFIRE.
SO THAT'S GOING TO MEAN HUNTING
WITHOUT INCENTIVIZING THE SPREAD
OF PIGS.
TRAPPING IN A WAY THAT DOESN'T
TEACH HOGS TO AVOID TRAPS.
AND DEVISING A TOXIC BAIT THAT
ISN'T UNNECESSARILY CRUEL, AND
DOESN'T DO EVEN MORE DAMAGE TO
THE ENVIRONMENT.
AND SUCCESS IS GOING TO LOOK
DIFFERENT DEPENDING ON WHERE YOU
LIVE.
IN STATES WITH NEW OR SMALL HOG
POPULATIONS, ERADICATION IS
POSSIBLE.
IOWA, NEW YORK AND IDAHO, HAVE
ALL MANAGED TO ELIMINATE FERAL
HOG POPULATIONS BECAUSE THEY
ADDRESSED THE PROBLEM EARLY ON.
BUT FOR THE HARDEST HIT STATES,
LIKE TEXAS, THE TRUTH IS,
ERADICATION'S NEVER GOING TO BE
HAPPENING.
IN FACT, RESEARCHERS DETERMINED
TEXAS WOULD NEED TO REMOVE
APPROXIMATELY 2 MILLION WILD
PIGS PER YEAR JUST TO KEEP 3
MILLION OF THEM ON THE
LANDSCAPE.
WHICH IS A HELL OF A LOT OF HOG
KILLING TO STILL HAVE A HELL OF
A LOT OF HOGS.
LOOK: LET'S FACE IT.
THE HARD TRUTH HERE IS THAT
FERAL HOGS ARE PROBABLY ALWAYS
GOING TO BE WITH US IN SOME
CAPACITY.
BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN WE HAVE TO
SURRENDER.
IN FACT, WE SHOULDN'T SURRENDER.
BECAUSE IF I'VE LEARNED ONE
THING FROM THE MOVIES, IT'S THAT
WHENEVER AMERICA GETS INVADED,
IT FIGHTS BACK IMMEDIATELY,
AFTER AN APPROPRIATE PAUSE FOR
AN INSPIRATIONAL SPEECH.
AND IF THAT'S WHAT AMERICA NEEDS
RIGHT NOW, THAT'S WHAT IT'S
GOING TO GET.
[INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC PLAYING]
BECAUSE LOOK: I'M NOT SAYING
THIS IS GONNA BE EASY.
BUT BELIEVE ME -- IF WE WORK
TOGETHER, WE CAN LOOK THIS HOG
INVASION STRAIGHT IN ITS BEADY
LITTLE EYES, AND START PUSHING
BACK!
YOU KNOW,WE CAN TURN BACK THIS
PIG TIDE, DEFUSE THIS PIG BOMB,
AND PUSH THEIR POPULATION BACK
DOWN TO A MANAGEABLE LEVEL!
BECAUSE RIGHT NOW, THEY THINK
THEY'VE BEATEN US, JUST BECAUSE
THESE HOGS ARE ABLE TO ROUTINELY
EAT OUR CROPS AND DESTROY OUR
FIGHTER JETS.
AND SNACK ON OUR BABY TURTLES.
SO WE NEED TO RESPOND, WITH
INGENUITY, WITH GRIT, AND -- I
CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ABOUT TO SAY
THIS -- WITH A JUDICIOUS
APPLICATION OF ASSAULT
HELICOPTERS!
>> I'VE GOT A GUN!
>> JOHN: GOOD!
THEN YOU CAN BRING IT!
>> I'VE GOT A BUCKET OF POISON!
>> JOHN: THAT NEEDS MORE
RESEARCH, SO LET'S HOLD OFF ON
USING IT NOW, AND CIRCLE BACK
LATER!
WHEN THE SCIENCE IMPROVES.
>> I'VE GOT ALL THESE HOG-SIZED
CONDOMS!
>> JOHN: I LOVE TO HEAR IT!
BUT UNTIL YOU'VE GOT AN IUD FOR
PIGS, IT'S JUST NOT GOING TO BE
ENOUGH!
WHAT I'M SAYING IS, WE NEED TO
WORK TOGETHER.
IN FACT, WE HAVE TO WORK
TOGETHER.
AND IF WE DO -- IF WE CAN CATCH
THIS MENACE BY ITS CURLY LITTLE
TAIL -- THEN I PROMISE YOU: THIS
WILL BE OUR SWINE-DEPENDENCE
DAY!
[CHEERING]
AND FOR ALL THE HOGS OUT THERE
WATCHING, I JUST HAVE ONE THING
TO SAY TO YOU:
[HOG CALL]
THAT'S OUR SHOW, THANKS SO MUCH
FOR WATCHING, SEE YOU NEXT WEEK,
GOOD NIGHT!
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪
>> EXHALE, INHALE AND YOU GET...
I DON'T KNOW