♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> John: WELCOME, WELCOME,
WELCOME TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT"
I'M JOHN OLIVER.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING
US.
WE'RE BACK!
AND WE MISSED A LOT OVER THE
LAST FEW WEEKS: A PARASITIC
INFECTION HAS CAUSED EXPLOSIVE
DIARRHEA ACROSS THE COUNTRY,
LINDSEY GRAHAM DIED AND MITCH
MCONNELL...
MAYBE DIDN'T?
GRAHAM PLATNER DROPPED OUT OF
MAINE'S SENATE RACE, THE U.K.
GOT A NEW PRIME MINISTER, OPEN
AI SAID ITS AI WENT ROGUE AND
LAUNCHED AN UNPRECEDENTED CYBER
ATTACK, AND IRAN'S NEW LEADER IS
NOW APPARENTLY MORE OPEN TO
PURSUING A NUCLEAR WEAPON.
AND YET, SOMEHOW, IN THE MIDST
OF ALL THAT, THIS HAPPENED, TOO.
>> A PECULIAR LITTLE RACCOON IS
TAKING THE INTERNET BY STORM,
AND NOW HE'S BECOME AN UNLIKELY
CELEBRITY IN SEATTLE.
>> IT LOOKS LIKE HE WAS SQUISHED
UP AND HUNCHED OVER.
>> PERCHED THERE ON THE
FENCEPOST, THIS UNUSUAL YET
ADORABLE FUR BALL IS NONE OTHER
THAN JIMOTHY.
YEAH, YOU HEARD THAT RIGHT.
HE'S GOT A NAME AND THE INTERNET
HAS IDENTIFIED HIM AS A SHORT
SPINED RACCOON.
HE'S BECOME SOMEWHAT OF AN
INTERNATIONAL SENSATION.
>> I THINK JIMOTHY HAS COME TO
US AT A TIME WHERE EVERYONE JUST
NEEDS SOMETHING TO RALLY AROUND.
>> John: YEAH, HE HAS.
WE NEEDED THIS BUSTED RACCOON!
SO BAD.
AND PEOPLE HAVE GONE TO TOWN
CELEBRATING HIM -- FROM THE FACT
THAT, IF YOU GOOGLE "JIMOTHY,"
AN ANIMATED VERSION SCURRIES
ACROSS YOUR SCREEN, TO THE
SEATTLE MARINERS PUTTING UP THE
PHRASE, "MAKE NOISE FOR JIMOTHY"
ON THEIR JUMBOTRON.
IT TURNS OUT, THE WORLD IS SUCH
A MESS RIGHT NOW, THE ONLY THING
THAT COULD TRULY UNITE US WAS A
DISHEVELED RACCOON WITH THE
POSTURE OF AN ARTHRITIC BOG
WITCH.
JIMOTHY IS NOT THE HERO WE NEED,
BUT HE'S THE HERO WE DESERVE.
BUT RATHER THAN FOCUS ON
EVERYTHING WE'VE MISSED OVER THE
LAST FEW WEEKS, WE'RE ACTUALLY
GOING TO DIVE STRAIGHT IN WITH
OUR MAIN STORY THIS WEEK, WHICH
CONCERNS DONALD TRUMP, A MAN WHO
-- OFFENSE VERY MUCH MEANT --
LOOKS LIKE HE'S SLOWLY TURNING
INTO MRS. DOUBTFIRE.
SPECIFICALLY, WE'RE GOING TO
LOOK AT SOMETHING TRUMP'S
DEDICATED A LOT OF ATTENTION TO
OVER THE LAST FEW YEARS: CRYPTO.
HE'S EVEN CALLED HIMSELF THE
"FIRST CRYPTO PRESIDENT," WHICH
IS A PRETTY BIG TURNAROUND,
GIVEN JUST FIVE YEARS AGO, HE
NOT ONLY CALLED BITCOIN "A
SCAM," HE WAS ALSO GIVING
INTERVIEWS LIKE THIS.
>> DO YOU EVER DABBLE IN BITCOIN
OR CRYPTOS?
>> I DON'T.
I LIKE THE CURRENCY OF THE
UNITED STATES.
I THINK IT'S, YOU KNOW, I THINK
THE OTHERS ARE POTENTIALLY A
DISASTER WAITING TO HAPPEN.
I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T -- I FEEL THAT IT HURTS
THE UNITED STATES CURRENCY.
I THINK WE SHOULD STRENGTHEN --
WE SHOULD BE INVESTED IN OUR
CURRENCY, NOT IN -- THEY MAY BE
FAKE.
WHO KNOWS WHAT THEY ARE.
>> John: YEAH, TRUMP WASN'T A
BIG FAN OF "CRYPTOS" BACK THEN.
AND THAT CONVERSATION'S
BASICALLY WHAT YOU'D EXPECT FROM
TWO SEPTUAGENARIANS TALKING
ABOUT BITCOIN.
IT HAS THE SAME VIBE OF CRANKY
BEFUDDLEMENT AS STATLER ASKING
WALDORF WHAT HE THINKS OF
ETHICAL NON-MONOGAMY.
STU VARNEY IN PARTICULAR THERE
SOUNDS LIKE A GRANDPA
DESPERATELY TRYING TO FIND
SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT WITH HIS
TEENAGE GRANDSON.
"SO, DO YOU DABBLE IN THE
CRYPTOS?
ARE YOU ON THE TIKTOKS?
I SAW ON THE EVENING NEWS THAT
CHARLI D'ARMADILLO IS PRETTY
POPULAR RIGHT NOW.
PLEASE JUST SAY ANYTHING TO ME,
I'M GONNA BE DEAD IN 5 YEARS."
BUT SINCE THEN, TRUMP'S HAD A
PRETTY SIGNIFICANT CHANGE OF
HEART -- TO THE POINT THAT, IN
2024, HE DELIVERED THE KEYNOTE
AT A BITCOIN CONVENTION, WHERE
HE SAID THIS.
>> THOSE WHO SAY THAT BITCOIN IS
A THREAT TO THE DOLLAR HAVE THE
STORY EXACTLY BACKWARDS.
I BELIEVE IT IS EXACTLY
BACKWARDS.
THIS AFTERNOON, I'M LAYING OUT
MY PLAN TO ENSURE THAT THE
UNITED STATES WILL BE THE CRYPTO
CAPITAL OF THE PLANET, AND THE
BITCOIN SUPERPOWER OF THE WORLD,
AND WE'LL GET IT DONE.
IF BITCOIN IS GOING TO THE MOON,
AS WE SAY, IT'S GOING THE MOON,
I WANT AMERICA TO BE THE NATION
THAT LEADS THE WAY.
AND THAT'S WHAT'S GOING TO
HAPPEN.
>> John: NOW, IF YOU'RE NOT A
CRYPTO PERSON, "GOING TO THE
MOON" IS A CATCHPHRASE IN THAT
WORLD.
WHICH IS WEIRD, AS I ALWAYS
ASSUMED THE OFFICIAL CATCHPHRASE
FOR CRYPTO WAS "A FIRST DATE
CONVERSATION'S WORST NIGHTMARE."
AND WHILE THERE ARE SEVERAL
POSSIBLE EXPLANATIONS FOR WHY
TRUMP MADE SUCH A 180 ON CRYPTO
-- INCLUDING THAT HE SAW AN
INDUSTRY WILLING TO SPEND A
SHITLOAD TO HELP GET HIM ELECTED
-- I'D ARGUE THE BIGGEST ONE IS
PROBABLY THAT TRUMP REALIZED
JUST HOW MUCH MONEY HE,
PERSONALLY, COULD END UP MAKING
FROM DEALING WITH A SPECULATIVE
ASSET -- BECAUSE IT'S TURNED OUT
TO BE A LOT.
HIS RECENT FINANCIAL FILINGS
SHOW THAT, IN JUST HIS FIRST
YEAR BACK IN OFFICE, HIS
PERSONAL INCOME SURGED TO MORE
THAN $2.2 BILLION, MOST OF WHICH
CAME FROM HIS FAMILY'S CRYPTO
BUSINESSES, WHICH BROUGHT IN
ABOUT $1.4 BILLION.
IN FACT, CRYPTO'S BECOME THE
TRUMP FAMILY'S DOMINANT BUSINESS
INTEREST, OVERSHADOWING THEIR
REAL-ESTATE EMPIRE AND EVERY
OTHER BUSINESS THEY'VE EVER HAD.
AND AS THIS ETHICS ATTORNEY
EXPLAINS, THERE'S A CRUCIAL
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CRYPTO, AND
ALL TRUMP'S OTHER VENTURES.
>> PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS SOLD
STEAKS.
HE'S SOLD GOLD SNEAKERS, BIBLES,
HOW IS THIS ANY DIFFERENT?
>> AT LEAST THOSE HAD SOME
INTRINSIC VALUE.
THIS IS LIKE A PERFECT VEHICLE
TO FUNNEL MONEY TO HIM AND HIS
FAMILY TO ENRICH THEM.
>> John: RIGHT.
ALTHOUGH, PERSONALLY I DO TAKE
ISSUE WITH THE IDEA THAT THE
TRUMP STEAK OR SNEAKERS HELD ANY
INTRINSIC VALUE.
BECAUSE IF, GUN TO MY HEAD, I
HAD TO EAT ONE AND WEAR THE
OTHER ON MY FOOT, I'M PICKING
SHOE FOR FOOD AND STEAK FOR
SHOE.
AS FOR TRUMP'S BIBLES, I'LL JUST
POINT OUT THE WEBSITE THAT SOLD
THEM HAD A QUESTION ON THEIR FAQ
THAT SAID "WHAT IF MY BIBLE HAS
STICKY PAGES?"
WHICH COULD ONLY GET MORE
OFF-PUTTING IF THE ANSWER
PROVIDED WAS JUST, "BLAME
CRAIG."
SO GIVEN ALL THAT, TONIGHT,
LET'S TALK ABOUT TRUMP, HIS
CRYPTO HOLDINGS, AND WHAT THEY
MEAN FOR ALL OF US.
AND RIGHT OFF THE BAT, I SHOULD
SAY, TRUMP AND HIS FAMILY HAVE A
TRULY ABSURD NUMBER OF
CRYPTO-RELATED VENTURES INVOLVED
IN ALL SORTS OF BUSINESS DEALS,
TO THE POINT THAT THOSE WHO'VE
TRIED KEEPING TRACK OF THEM HAVE
WOUND UP MAKING DIAGRAMS LIKE
THIS.
WHICH LOOKS SO INTRICATE, IT'S
LIKE SOMEONE TRIED TO MAP OUT
ALL THE RELATIONSHIPS ON
"VANDERPUMP RULES."
A SOLID LINE IS DATING, A DASHED
LINE IS EXES, AND A DOTTED LINE
IS HAND STUFF.
AND DON'T WORRY.
WE'RE NOT GOING TO TALK ABOUT
ALL THE TRUMP FAMILY'S CRYPTO
INVOLVEMENTS -- FOR INSTANCE,
I'LL SPARE YOU THE DETAILS ABOUT
ERIC TRUMP'S BITCOIN-MINING
COMPANY, EXCEPT TO SHOW YOU THIS
CLIP OF HIM EXPLAINING THE
BRILLIANT WAY HE HELPED HIS
PARTNERS COME UP WITH ITS NAME.
>> I'LL NEVER FORGET SAYING TO
THEM, "LISTEN, IT'S GOT TO HAVE
TWO WORDS IN IT.
IT HAS TO HAVE "AMERICA."
AND IT HAS TO HAVE "BITCOIN."
AND ONE OF THE TWO GUYS SAID,
"LISTEN, ERIC.
AMERICAN BITCOIN.
THAT'S GOT TO BE THE NAME."
>> John: HOLY SHIT, ERIC, THAT'S
SO SMART.
I MEAN, IF I WERE NAMING AN
AMERICAN BITCOIN COMPANY, I'D
PROBABLY HAVE SAID THE WORDS YOU
HAD TO USE WERE "ALBANIA" AND
"GIRAFFE."
BUT I GUESS THAT'S WHY I'M NOT A
BUSINESS GENIUS LIKE ERIC TRUMP
IS.
INSTEAD I'M GOING TO FOCUS ON
JUST TWO OF THE TRUMP FAMILY'S
MAJOR CRYPTO VENTURES, AND
DESCRIBE THEM THE WAY I'M SURE
HE DESCRIBES HIS OLDEST SONS --
SPECIFICALLY, THE BIG ONE AND
THE DUMB ONE.
AND LET'S START WITH THE DUMB
ONE -- TRUMP'S MEMECOINS.
MEMECOINS ARE BASICALLY JUST
ONLINE JOKES CONVERTED INTO
DIGITAL MONEY, WHICH ARE WORTH
ONLY WHAT PEOPLE ARE WILLING TO
PAY FOR THEM.
YOU'RE PROBABLY AWARE OF
MEMECOINS LIKE DOGE COIN, SHIBA
INU, AND FARTCOIN.
A NAME I'M HONESTLY "SHOCKED"
ERIC TRUMP DIDN'T COME UP WITH.
"I'LL NEVER FORGET SAYING,
'LISTEN, IT'S GOT TO HAVE TWO
WORDS IN IT.
IT HAS TO HAVE 'FART.'
AND IT HAS TO HAVE 'COIN.'
AND THEY SAID, 'ERIC, FARTCOIN.
THAT'S GOT TO BE THE NAME.'
AND AS THIS ANALYST POINTS OUT,
THE WHOLE VALUE OF A MEMECOIN IS
BUILT ON ITS NOVELTY.
>> IT IS A COIN THAT MEANS
NOTHING.
IT IS LIKE BUYING A PET ROCK,
EXCEPT YOU DON'T EVEN GET A
ROCK.
IT HAS NO VALUE, IT HAS NO
TRADING VALUE, IT'S NOT USED IN
COMMERCE, NOTHING.
>> John: RIGHT.
ALTHOUGH, AT THE SAME TIME,
LET'S TRY AND PUT SOME RESPECT
ON THE PET ROCK'S NAME.
IT WAS THE IDEA OF GARY DAHL,
WHO SOLD ENOUGH TO BECOME A
MILLIONAIRE IN THE '70s IN
BASICALLY ONE YEAR.
HE BOUGHT A BUNCH OF SMOOTH
ROCKS FROM A BUILDER'S SUPPLY
STORE IN MEXICO FOR A PENNY
APIECE AND SOLD THEM FOR AROUND
$4, WHICH IN TODAY'S MONEY IS
$25.
AND THINK ABOUT THAT.
JUST TWO YEARS AFTER AN OIL
CRISIS, AND IN THE MIDST OF A
RECESSION, THIS GUY CONVINCED A
BUNCH OF, I CAN ONLY ASSUME,
COKED-OUT LUNATICS TO PAY THE
EQUIVALENT OF MULTIPLE HOURS OF
THEIR WAGES TO BUY A PET ROCK.
THEN GARY CASHED OUT, AND FUCKED
OFF INTO THE HORIZON.
NOTHING HAS TOUCHED THE
MARKETING BRILLIANCE OF THE PET
ROCK.
IN FACT, EVERYONE IN THIS
AUDIENCE LOOK UNDER YOUR SEATS
RIGHT NOW!
BECAUSE YOU'LL FIND -- I'M JUST
KIDDING, I'M KIDDING, HBO
DOESN'T HAVE "ROCK" MONEY
ANYMORE.
ARE YOU CRAZY?
THE POINT IS, MOST MEMECOINS --
SEEMINGLY BY DESIGN -- BASICALLY
FOLLOW THE TRAJECTORY OF
PUMP-AND-DUMP SCHEMES: THEY
SPIKE IN VALUE WHEN THEY FIRST
COME OUT AND THEN IMMEDIATELY
CRASH, WITH INSIDERS SELLING AT
THE PEAK.
AND IN TRUMP'S CASE, JUST THREE
DAYS BEFORE HIS SECOND
INAUGURATION, HE LAUNCHED THE
"$TRUMP" MEMECOIN, IN A SOCIAL
MEDIA POST WHERE HE TOLD
EVERYONE TO "HAVE FUN!"
TWO DAYS LATER -- ON THE EVE OF
THE INAUGURATION -- MELANIA
LAUNCHED HER OWN MEMECOIN, WITH
THIS SOCIAL MEDIA POST, WHICH
LOOKS LIKE SHE'S DROPPING AN
ALBUM OF ADELE COVERS.
AND WHILE IT'S NOT THE WORST
PART, MAYBE THEY SHOULD'VE
WORKSHOPPED THE NAME OF HER COIN
A BIT MORE, SO IT DOESN'T READ
AS "SMELLANIA."
ANYWAY WHEN TRUMP'S COIN FIRST
LAUNCHED, MANY IN THE CRYPTO
COMMUNITY GENUINELY COULDN'T
BELIEVE IT.
>> IT WAS ONE OF THE CRAZIEST
NIGHTS I'VE EVER EXPERIENCED IN
CRYPTO EVER.
LIKE, IT WAS NUTS, BECAUSE NO
ONE BELIEVED THAT IT WAS REAL.
EVERYONE THOUGHT IT WAS A SCAM.
EVERYONE THOUGHT THAT HIS
ACCOUNT WAS HACKED.
>> John: OKAY, BUT AS FAR AS
TRUMP'S ACCOUNT GETTING HACKED:
HOW COULD YOU EVEN TELL?
REMEMBER: THIS IS A MAN WHO'S
POSTED THIS DEPICTION OF HIMSELF
TAKING A SELFIE WITH A LION,
THIS ONE OF HIM AS THE ANIME
CHARACTER "NARUTO," AND THIS ONE
OF HIM WALKING WITH A
DISTRACTINGLY RIPPED ALIEN IN
HANDCUFFS.
HONESTLY, THE ONLY THING THAT'D
MAKE ME THINK TRUMP MIGHT'VE
BEEN HACKED IS IF HE SUDDENLY
POSTED A NORMAL, COHERENT
SENTENCE WITHOUT ANY RANDOMLY
CAPITALIZED WORDS.
AND UNSURPRISINGLY, THE TRUMP
COINS THEN DID EXACTLY WHAT
MEMECOINS TEND TO DO -- THEY
INITIALLY SKYROCKETED IN
VALUATION -- SOARING SO HIGH
THAT FOR A FEW HOURS, THE TRUMPS
AND THEIR BUSINESS PARTNERS WERE
SITTING ON AT LEAST $50 BILLION
WORTH OF IT.
BUT THEN, INEVITABLY, THEY
CRASHED -- AND HARD.
IN FACT, BY THE FOLLOWING
DECEMBER, TRUMP'S COIN WAS DOWN
92% SINCE ITS PEAK, WHILE
SMELLANIA WAS DOWN 99% -- ALMOST
A COMPLETE WIPEOUT IN VALUE.
BUT TRUMP HIMSELF WALKED AWAY
WITH A $636 MILLION PAYOUT.
BUT ONE OF THE WEIRDER
INTERLUDES IN HIS COINS' JOURNEY
ACTUALLY CAME LAST YEAR, WHEN
TRUMP MANAGED TO BRIEFLY JUICE
HIS COIN'S VALUE BY HOLDING AN
"INTIMATE PRIVATE DINNER" FOR
ITS 220 TOP HOLDERS -- AND IN
DOING SO, HE WAS BASICALLY
OFFERING ACCESS TO THE WHITE
HOUSE IN EXCHANGE FOR AN
INVESTMENT IN ONE OF HIS CRYPTO
VENTURES.
A FORMER SPECIAL COUNSEL TO
OBAMA EVEN CALLED THE DINNER "AN
ETHICS NIGHTMARE."
THOUGH SOME OF THE ATTENDEES,
LIKE THIS GUY WHO HAD ROUGHLY
HALF A MILLION DOLLARS TIED UP
IN THE TRUMP COIN, DID LEAVE
FEELING A LITTLE SCAMMED.
>> GOING INTO THIS DINNER, I WAS
HOPING TO AT LEAST GET A PICTURE
WITH TRUMP OR ACTUALLY DO A
TIKTOK.
SO, I WAS HOPING TO MAYBE DO A
TREND OR SOME SHORT VIDEO WITH
HIM, MAYBE LIKE, 15 SECONDS.
IT'S NOT GONNA TAKE MUCH OF HIS
TIME.
I JUST GOT TO THE TRUMP DINNER.
TRUMP CAME, GAVE A SPEECH FOR I
THINK EXACTLY 23 MINUTES, AND
THEN HE LEFT.
HIS HELICOPTER WAS RIGHT BACK
THERE.
LEFT PRETTY QUICKLY, DIDN'T STAY
FOR THE DINNER.
MAYBE HE'LL COME BACK, YOU NEVER
KNOW.
>> John: I THINK YOU ALREADY
KNOW THIS, BUT -- HE DIDN'T COME
BACK.
AND I'M HONESTLY RACKING MY
BRAIN RIGHT NOW, TRYING TO FIND
A SINGLE OUNCE OF SYMPATHY FOR
SOMEONE WHO PURCHASED A BUNCH OF
TRUMP'S MEMECOIN TO ATTEND A
DINNER WHERE HIS MAIN GOAL WAS,
AND I QUOTE, TO "DO A TIKTOK
WITH TRUMP."
BUT I'VE GOT NOTHING.
I REFUSE TO FEEL SADNESS FOR
SOMEONE, WHO'S SEEMINGLY CHOSEN
TO SIT IN A LAMBORGHINI
DEALERSHIP, AND DRESSED
THEMSELVES LIKE THE SECOND
COMING OF LIMP BIZKIT.
I CAN'T DO IT.
BUT WHILE THAT DINNER MAY'VE
BEEN A BUST FOR THOSE WHO
ATTENDED, SHORTLY AFTER IT WAS
ANNOUNCED, THE TRUMP COIN JUMPED
APPROXIMATELY 30%.
AND LOOK, WE DON'T KNOW IF TRUMP
SOLD ANY COINS DURING THAT BUMP,
OR INDEED, IF ANYONE INVOLVED
WITH IT DID.
BUT THE VERY FACT WE DON'T KNOW
IS PART OF THE PROBLEM HERE.
BECAUSE IT CLEARLY DOESN'T LOOK
GOOD FOR A PRESIDENT TO BE
INVOLVED IN SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
JIMMY CARTER FAMOUSLY CHOSE TO
PUT HIS PEANUT FARM IN A BLIND
TRUST TO AVOID PERCEIVED
CONFLICTS OF INTEREST.
AND IT'S A LITTLE WEIRD THAT --
TO GO BY TRUMP'S STANDARDS -- IF
HE'D JUST INVENTED HIS OWN
NOVELTY CURRENCY INSTEAD, CALLED
"JIMBO'S NUT BUCKS," PEOPLE
WOULD'VE PROBABLY BEEN FINE WITH
IT.
AND IT'S WORTH REMEMBERING --
WHILE TRUMP PERSONALLY MADE
HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF DOLLARS
WITH THIS NONSENSE, PEOPLE GOT
HURT.
NEARLY A MILLION PEOPLE WHO
BOUGHT INTO THE COIN LOST MONEY,
WITH THEIR LOSSES TOTALING OVER
$3.8 BILLION.
AND WHILE ONE OF THEM WAS THIS
GUY, SO YOU CAN'T BE 100% MAD,
IT'S STILL PRETTY SHITTY.
BUT TRUMP'S MEMECOIN IS JUST THE
TIP OF THE ICEBERG HERE.
WHICH BRINGS US TO HIS FAMILY'S
BIGGEST CRYPTO VENTURE: WORLD
LIBERTY FINANCIAL, THE BUSINESS
TRUMP AND HIS SONS CO-FOUNDED
AND ANNOUNCED JUST WEEKS BEFORE
THE LAST ELECTION.
AND UNSURPRISINGLY, HIS SONS
ONCE AGAIN BROUGHT THEIR
INCREDIBLE BUSINESS ACUMEN TO
NAMING THE COMPANY.
>> WE CALL IT THE WORLD LIBERTY
BECAUSE OF THE LIBERTY ASPECT OF
IT, BUT ALSO BECAUSE OF THE
WORLD ASPECT OF IT, RIGHT?
>> John: YEAH, YEAH.
YOU KNOW, THAT IS SUCH A GOOD
POINT.
ISN'T IT?
IT'S CALLED WORLD LIBERTY
FINANCIAL BECAUSE OF THE LIBERTY
ASPECT, BUT ALSO THE WORLD
ASPECT, AND DON'T FORGET THE
FINANCIAL ASPECT, TOO.
IT REALLY IS THE PERFECT
COMBINATION OF ASPECTS!
NOW, WE BRIEFLY TOUCHED ON WORLD
LIBERTY SHORTLY AFTER IT
LAUNCHED, IN OUR SEGMENT ON
TRUMP'S BUSINESSES -- POINTING
OUT THAT ITS CO-FOUNDERS INCLUDE
THE HUMAN AXE BODY SPRAY CANS,
ZAK FOLKMAN AND CHASE HERRO.
IF YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT SEGMENT,
JUST KNOW: FOLKMAN USED TO TEACH
CRINGE-INDUCING CLASSES ON HOW
TO PICK UP WOMEN CALLED "DATE
HOTTER GIRLS," AND HERRO HAS
DESCRIBED HIMSELF AS THE DIRTBAG
OF THE INTERNET, AND ONCE
DESCRIBED CRYPTO LIKE THIS.
>> YOU CAN LITERALLY SELL SHIT
IN A CAN, WRAPPED IN PISS,
COVERED IN HUMAN SKIN FOR A
BILLION DOLLARS IF THE STORY IS
RIGHT, BECAUSE PEOPLE WILL BUY
IT AND THAT'S WHAT'S GOING ON IN
THE CRYPTO SPACE.
LIKE I SAID IN MY OTHER VIDEO,
I'M NOT GOING TO QUESTION THE
RIGHT AND THE WRONG OF ALL THAT,
ALL I'M SAYING IS THAT AS A
HUMAN BEING, YOU HAVE THAT
ABILITY TO MAKE A FUCK TON OF
MONEY RIGHT NOW.
>> John: OKAY, THERE ARE A LOT
OF THINGS I WANT TO SAY ABOUT
THAT, BUT FIRST AND FOREMOST:
NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO BE
TALKING WITH YOUR HANDS, CHASE.
LET'S PUT THEM AT TEN AND TWO,
YOU ED HARDY NIGHTMARE.
NOW, SINCE LAUNCHING WORLD
LIBERTY FINANCIAL, THE TRUMPS
HAVE RAKED IN HUGE AMOUNTS OF
MONEY, MAKING THAT ONE COMPANY
WORTH MORE TO THEIR FAMILY THAN
ANY OTHER BUSINESS, INCLUDING
THEIR STAKE IN TRUMP MEDIA AND
EVEN MAR-A-LAGO.
AND THEY'VE ACHIEVED THIS BY
GIVING PEOPLE A NUMBER OF
DIFFERENT WAYS TO BUY IN.
THE FIRST IS THROUGH PURCHASING
THE COMPANY'S TOKEN.
IT'S A SO-CALLED "GOVERNANCE
TOKEN" -- SO OWNING IT TYPICALLY
DOESN'T GIVE YOU ANY STAKE IN
THE COMPANY, IT JUST ALLOWS YOU
TO VOTE ON HOW THE PLATFORM
OPERATES.
AND FOR THIS PARTICULAR TOKEN,
75% OF THE PROCEEDS FLOW
DIRECTLY TO THE TRUMPS AS A FEE.
AND IF YOU'RE THINKING THAT
SOUNDS LIKE A REALLY EASY WAY TO
SEND MONEY TO TRUMP, TO TRY AND
CURRY FAVOR WITH HIM, YOU'D BE
RIGHT!
TAKE JUSTIN SUN.
HE SPENT $75 MILLION BUYING
THOSE GOVERNANCE TOKENS, WHICH
ON ONE LEVEL, ISN'T SURPRISING,
AS HE SEEMS TO HAVE A HABIT OF
BUYING DUMB SHIT.
>> ANOTHER INVESTOR IS JUSTIN
SUN, THE ECCENTRIC CHINESE
BILLIONAIRE, PERHAPS BEST KNOWN
FOR BUYING --
>> IT'S YOURS, CONGRATULATIONS.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, INDEED.
>> AND THEN EATING A
$6.2 MILLION BANANA DUCT TAPED
TO A WALL.
>> John: LOOK, I'M NOT GOING TO
SAY WHETHER THAT BANANA WAS
ACTUALLY WORTH $6.2 MILLION OR
NOT.
I'M NOT AN ART APPRAISER, I JUST
HAVE THE BITCHY ATTITUDE OF ONE.
THE POINT IS, THAT'S THE GUY WHO
SPENT $75 MILLION ON WORLD
LIBERTY "GOVERNANCE TOKENS," AS
WELL AS, BY THE WAY, SPENDING
NEARLY $38 MILLION ON TRUMP'S
MEMECOIN.
AND WHILE THAT ALL SOUNDS VERY
STUPID, BECAUSE IN EVERY
IMPORTANT WAY, IT REALLY IS, IT
MAY NOT HAVE BEEN A COMPLETE
WASTE OF MONEY FOR SUN.
BECAUSE IT TURNS OUT, AT THE
TIME TRUMP TOOK OFFICE, HE WAS
ACTUALLY FIGHTING A LAWSUIT FROM
THE SEC, ALLEGING HE'D DEFRAUDED
INVESTORS BY MANIPULATING THE
PRICE OF HIS "TRON"
CRYPTOCURRENCY WITH FAKE TRADES.
FUN FACT: TRON ALSO ALLEGEDLY
HOSTED 45% OF ALL ILLICIT CRYPTO
MONEY FLOWS IN 2023.
AND WHILE TRON INSISTS IT'S
TAKING STEPS TO PREVENT
CRIMINALS FROM ENGAGING IN
ILLEGAL ACTIVITY, YOU GOTTA
ADMIT, IT'S PRETTY IMPRESSIVE
THAT -- AGAINST ALL ODDS -- IT
TURNS OUT, THE WORST TRON IS NOW
SOMEHOW NO LONGER THE ONE
STARRING JARED LETO.
BUT CRUCIALLY, JUST AFTER SUN
BEGAN PLOWING ALL THAT MONEY
INTO TRUMP'S CRYPTO VENTURES,
THE SEC SUDDENLY ANNOUNCED IT'D
PAUSED ITS CASE AGAINST HIM.
AND THEN IN MARCH, THIS
HAPPENED.
>> THE GOVERNMENT SETTLING A
FRAUD CASE AGAINST A CRYPTO
BILLIONAIRE, JUSTIN SUN.
THE SEC SAYING THAT ONE OF SUN'S
FIRMS IS NOW GOING TO PAY $10
MILLION IN A PENALTY, BUT WILL
NEITHER -- NEITHER OF THE
COMPANIES WILL ADMIT WRONGDOING.
>> John: WOW!
TO PUT THAT $10 MILLION FINE IN
TERMS WE CAN ALL NOW UNDERSTAND,
THAT'S ONE POINT SIX BANANAS
TAPED TO A WALL.
NOW, JUSTIN SUN'S DENIED THERE
WAS ANY QUID PRO QUO THERE.
BUT THE THING IS, THAT SEQUENCE
OF EVENTS -- WHERE SOMEONE HELPS
WORLD LIBERTY FINANCIAL MAKE
MONEY, AND THEN, COINCIDENTALLY
GETS SOMETHING THEY WANTED ALL
ALONG -- IS BY NO MEANS A
ONE-OFF.
BECAUSE A SIMILAR SEQUENCE OF
EVENTS TOOK PLACE WITH THE
COMPANY'S SO-CALLED
"STABLECOIN," USD1.
NOW, UNLIKE MEMECOINS -- THE
PRICE OF WHICH CAN FLUCTUATE
WILDLY -- A STABLECOIN IS
SUPPOSED TO HAVE A SET MONETARY
VALUE.
USD1, FOR INSTANCE, IS ONE U.S.
DOLLAR.
AND THIS CAN BE LUCRATIVE FOR
COMPANIES LIKE WORLD LIBERTY,
BECAUSE WHEN SOMEONE USES REAL
MONEY TO BUY A STABLECOIN, IT
CAN THEN PUT THAT MONEY INTO THE
BANK AND EARN INTEREST ON IT.
THAT'S WHY IT WAS VERY GOOD NEWS
FOR TRUMP THAT -- AS WE'VE
DISCUSSED BEFORE, THE FOUNDER OF
BINANCE, THE WORLD'S LARGEST
CRYPTO EXCHANGE, FACILITATED A
MASSIVE, $2 BILLION PURCHASE OF
USD1 BY AN INVESTMENT FUND TIED
TO THE UNITED ARAB EMIRATES, AT
THE SAME TIME AS,
COINCIDENTALLY, HE WAS
SUCCESSFULLY PURSUING A
PRESIDENTIAL PARDON FOR A
MONEY-LAUNDERING CONVICTION.
WHICH HE EVENTUALLY GOT.
AND WHILE BINANCE WILL INSIST
THEY DID NOTHING WRONG, THE FACT
IS, THAT $2 BILLION TRANSACTION
WAS ABSOLUTELY HUGE FOR WORLD
LIBERTY BECAUSE, AS CRYPTO
EXPERTS WILL POINT OUT, IT
INSTANTLY MADE THEIR STABLECOIN
SEEM MUCH MORE LEGIT.
>> SO, IT TOOK WORLD LIBERTY
FROM BEING A SMALL PROJECT THAT
MAYBE WAS ON THE ROAD MAP AFTER
THE ELECTION, PURELY FOR THE
NAME, TO BEING ONE OF THE
LARGEST STABLECOINS IN THE WORLD
IN A SINGLE TRANSACTION.
SO, IT VAULTED THEM FROM SMALL
TIME TO THE BIG LEAGUES.
>> THE EMIRATIS ENTRUSTED TWO
BILLION TO A CURRENCY THAT HAD
BEEN ON THE MARKET FIVE WEEKS.
ONE SOURCE TOLD US, "IT WASN'T
STRANGE.
IT WAS NUTS."
>> John: RIGHT, IT SURE SEEMS
LIKE THAT WAS DUE TO THE TRUMP
CONNECTION, BECAUSE I'M NOT SURE
WHY ELSE ANYONE WOULD PUT
$2 BILLION DOLLARS WORTH OF
TRUST IN A COMPANY FOUNDED BY
THE DIRTBAG OF THE INTERNET, A
WALKING RESTRAINING ORDER, AND
TWO BROTHERS WHO PROBABLY LOST
THEIR SHIT OVER THE NAME "CHEESE
BALLS" -- "THEY'RE BALLS AND
THEY TASTE LIKE CHEESE!
IT'S FUCKING GENIUS!"
BUT THAT WAS ONLY PART OF THE
STORY.
BECAUSE AS I SAID, THE ENTITY
THAT ACTUALLY PUT UP THE $2
BILLION WAS AN INVESTMENT FIRM
LINKED TO THE GOVERNMENT OF THE
UAE -- A GOVERNMENT,
INCIDENTALLY, THAT VERY MUCH
WANTED TO GET ITS HANDS ON
ADVANCED COMPUTER CHIPS MADE BY
U.S. COMPANIES.
NOW, THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION
HAD LARGELY STYMIED THAT DEAL,
OVER FEARS THAT GIVING CHIPS TO
THE UAE COULD ULTIMATELY LEAD TO
THEM GETTING TO CHINA.
BUT YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT
HAPPENED NOT LONG AFTER THAT
CRYPTO DEAL WENT THROUGH.
>> TWO WEEKS AFTER THE $2
BILLION TRANSACTION, PRESIDENT
TRUMP TRAVELED TO THE UAE FOR AN
OFFICIAL VISIT.
>> YESTERDAY, THE TWO COUNTRIES
ALSO AGREED TO CREATE A PATH FOR
UAE TO BUY SOME OF THE WORLD'S
MOST ADVANCED AI SEMICONDUCTORS
FROM AMERICAN COMPANIES, A VERY
BIG CONTRACT.
>> THE U.S. THEN ANNOUNCED IT
WOULD ALLOW THE UAE TO BUY
HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF
NVIDIA'S ADVANCED AI CHIPS.
WHILE THERE'S NO EVIDENCE THAT
ONE DEAL WAS EXPLICITLY OFFERED
IN RETURN FOR THE OTHER, THE
TIMING IS EXTRAORDINARY.
>> John: SURE!
LET'S GO WITH "EXTRAORDINARY!"
IT'S NOT THE WORD I'D USE, BUT
IT TURNS OUT, MY LAWYERS TELL ME
THE WORD I ACTUALLY WANT TO USE
WOULD COST HBO A FEW MILLION IN
LEGAL FEES.
SO, "EXTRAORDINARY" IT IS.
AND THE THING IS, THAT MAY NOT
EVEN BE THE MOST IMPORTANT LINK
BETWEEN THE UAE AND WORLD
LIBERTY FINANCIAL.
BECAUSE IT LATER EMERGED THAT
ANOTHER TRANSACTION HAD QUIETLY
HAPPENED RIGHT BEFORE TRUMP CAME
BACK INTO OFFICE.
>> JUST DAYS BEFORE TRUMP'S
SECOND INAUGURATION, THE JOURNAL
REPORTS 49%, NEARLY HALF OF THE
TRUMP FAMILY CRYPTO COMPANY,
WORLD LIBERTY FINANCIAL, WAS
PURCHASED FOR $500 MILLION BY
SHEIKH TAHNOUN BIN ZAYED AL
NAHYAN, WHO HEADS THE UNITED
ARAB EMIRATES' STATE INVESTMENT
FUND AND SERVES AS NATIONAL
SECURITY ADVISOR, SOMETIMES
REFERRED TO AS THE SPY SHEIK.
>> John: OH, YEAH.
I FORGOT TO MENTION.
THE GUY AT THE CENTER OF ALL OF
THIS IS APPARENTLY CALLED "THE
SPY SHEIK."
WHICH FRANKLY, ISN'T GREAT,
GIVEN THAT "SPY SHEIK" SOUNDS
LIKE THE TITLE OF A CULTURALLY
INSENSITIVE '90s THRILLER
STARRING STEVEN SEAGAL.
THE SPY SHEIK IS THE BROTHER OF
UAE'S PRESIDENT.
AND HE GOT THAT NICKNAME BECAUSE
HE'S SPENT THE LAST DECADE AS
THE COUNTRY'S NATIONAL SECURITY
ADVISOR, EVEN AT ONE POINT
BECOMING EMBROILED IN A SPYING
SCANDAL WHEN IT EMERGED THAT
OPERATIVES HIRED BY THE EMIRATES
WERE TARGETING HUMAN RIGHTS
ACTIVISTS, INCLUDING ONE WHOSE
BABY MONITOR THEY HACKED TO SPY
ON HIS FAMILY.
WHICH SURE SEEMS LIKE THE SORT
OF THING YOU'D WANT TO KNOW
BEFORE RELEASING, I DUNNO,
HIGH-POWERED COMPUTER CHIPS TO A
COUNTRY.
ALTHOUGH, FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH --
HACKING A BABY MONITOR FOR
SPYING ALSO DOESN'T MAKE A LOT
OF SENSE TO ME.
NO ONE'S DISCUSSING THEIR
POLITICAL ACTIVIST PLANS WHILE
PUTTING THEIR BABY TO BED.
IF A PARENT IS SAYING ANYTHING,
IT'S WHISPERING OVER AND OVER "I
WILL PAY YOU ONE THOUSAND
DOLLARS TO GO TO SLEEP RIGHT
NOW."
BUT BECAUSE WORLD LIBERTY IS A
PRIVATE COMPANY, WE DIDN'T EVEN
FIND OUT ABOUT THAT INVESTMENT
UNTIL "THE WALL STREET JOURNAL"
REPORTED IT EARLIER THIS YEAR --
EVEN THOUGH THAT DEAL INVOLVES A
FOREIGN GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
TAKING A MAJOR OWNERSHIP STAKE
IN AN INCOMING U.S. PRESIDENT'S
COMPANY AND STEERING, AT A
MINIMUM, $187 MILLION TO THE
PRESIDENT'S FAMILY.
THAT IS LITERALLY UNPRECEDENTED
IN AMERICAN POLITICS.
NOW, I HAVE TO SAY: WORLD
LIBERTY INSISTS THE COMPANY HAS
NO ROLE IN, OR INFLUENCE ON,
GOVERNMENT POLICY.
AND THE WHITE HOUSE TOLD US THAT
THE PRESIDENT ONLY ACTS IN THE
BEST INTERESTS OF THE AMERICAN
PUBLIC, AND THERE ARE NO
CONFLICTS OF INTEREST.
WHICH -- HUGE FOR THIS COUNTRY,
IF TRUE.
MEANWHILE, TRUMP'S INSISTED HE'S
DOES NOT CONTROL HIS FAMILY'S
CRYPTO VENTURES AND IN FACT,
BARELY PAYS ATTENTION TO IT.
>> MR. PRESIDENT, "WALL STREET
JOURNAL" REPORTED THAT THE ROYAL
FAMILY OF ABU DHABI INVESTED
HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF DOLLARS
IN YOUR WORLD LIBERTY FINANCIAL.
CAN YOU EXPLAIN WHY YOU DECIDED
TO TAKE THAT INVESTMENT?
WAS THAT A TRANSACTION.
>> WELL, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT IT.
I KNOW THAT CRYPTO IS A BIG
THING AND THEY LIKE IT.
A LOT OF PEOPLE LIKE IT.
THE PEOPLE BEHIND ME LIKE IT.
MY SONS ARE HANDLING THAT.
MY FAMILY IS HANDLING IT.
AND I GUESS THEY GET INVESTMENTS
FROM DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
>> John: OH, COME THE FUCK ON.
IN MOST CASES, I'M WILLING TO
BELIEVE TRUMP DOESN'T TALK TO
HIS SONS, ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING
HIS WEDDING PRESENT TO DON JR.
WAS APPARENTLY TO NOT SHOW UP,
BUT IF THERE'S ANYTHING THAT
BINDS THE THREE OF THESE MEN
TOGETHER IT'S LOVING MONEY AND
HAVING THE BEADY EYES OF A
BUILD-A-BEAR THAT'S BEEN BANNED
FROM ENTERING VICTORIA'S SECRET.
SO WHEN A DEAL COMES UP THAT'LL
PUT TENS OF MILLIONS OF DOLLARS
IN THEIR POCKETS, IT'S REALLY
HARD TO BELIEVE THAT TRUMP'S
UNAWARE OF IT.
THE POINT IS, IT SURE SEEMS LIKE
TRUMP'S EXPLOITING CRYPTO'S
SKETCHINESS FOR MAXIMUM PROFIT.
AND IMPORTANTLY, AT THE SAME
TIME, HE'S NOW MAKING IT MUCH
EASIER FOR OTHERS TO DO THE
SAME.
WE'VE SHOWN YOU THIS CLIP
BEFORE, BUT AT THAT BITCOIN
CONFERENCE, THE BIGGEST CHEER
TRUMP GOT CAME WHEN HE PROMISED
TO FIRE THE THEN-HEAD OF THE
SEC, WHO WAS SEEN TO BE TOO
TOUGH ON CRYPTO.
>> ON DAY ONE, I WILL FIRE GARY
GENSLER AND APPOINT A NEW SEC
CHAIRMAN.
[CHEERS]
I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS THAT
UNPOPULAR!
[CHEERS]
WOW.
I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS THAT
UNPOPULAR.
LET ME SAY IT AGAIN.
[LAUGHTER]
ON DAY ONE, I WILL FIRE GARY
GENSLER.
[CHEERS]
WOAH!
>> John: WOW.
I GOTT SAY, THANK GOODNESS HE
ONLY SAID THAT TWICE.
BECAUSE THE WAY THAT ESCALATED,
IF HE'D SAID "I WILL FIRE GARY
GENSLER" A THIRD TIME, HE
WOULD'VE FLOATED OUT OF THAT
ROOM ON A RIVER OF CUM.
NOW, GENSLER, SEEING THE WRITING
ON THE WALL, STEPPED DOWN ON
TRUMP'S FIRST DAY BACK IN
OFFICE.
AND IN HIS PLACE, TRUMP
APPOINTED THE VERY PRO-CRYPTO
PAUL ATKINS.
AND IT'S NOTABLE THAT, WHEN THE
"TIMES" LOOKED INTO IT, IT FOUND
THE SEC HAD EASED UP ON MORE
THAN 60% OF THE CRYPTO CASES
THAT WERE ONGOING WHEN TRUMP
RETURNED TO THE WHITE HOUSE,
MOVING TO PAUSE LITIGATION,
LESSEN PENALTIES, OR OUTRIGHT
DISMISS THE CASES.
AND THIS ADMINISTRATION'S NOW
TRYING TO LOCK IN THAT LAX
REGULATORY ENVIRONMENT FOR THE
FORESEEABLE FUTURE.
BECAUSE THEY, ALONG WITH THE
CRYPTO INDUSTRY, ARE CURRENTLY
MAKING A HARD PUSH FOR A
SWEEPING CRYPTO BILL CALLED THE
CLARITY ACT THAT WOULD
FUNDAMENTALLY REORDER HOW CRYPTO
IS REGULATED, LARGELY SHIFTING
IT OUT OF THE PURVIEW OF THE SEC
-- WHOSE CORE MISSION INCLUDES
PROTECTING INVESTORS -- AND
GIVING THAT AUTHORITY INSTEAD TO
THE COMMODITY FUTURES TRADING
COMMISSION -- A SHORT-STAFFED
FEDERAL AGENCY WITH LIMITED
ENFORCEMENT CAPACITY AND NO
EXPLICIT MANDATE TO PROTECT
INVESTORS.
AND IF THE CLARITY ACT PASSES,
THE CHANGES COULD BE HARD TO
UNDO.
ONE EXECUTIVE OF A CRYPTO TRADE
GROUP HAS EVEN SAID, IT GETS
REALLY HARD FOR THE NEXT
ADMINISTRATION, WHETHER IT'S
REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT, TO
REALLY CHANGE TOO MUCH ABOUT
IT."
AND THAT SHOULD BE WORRYING,
ESPECIALLY GIVEN NOTHING IN ITS
LATEST DRAFT WOULD PREVENT TRUMP
FROM CONTINUING TO PROFIT FROM
HIS MEMECOIN, OR OTHER CRYPTO
VENTURES.
AND LOOK, I KNOW YOU MIGHT BE
SAYING, "WHY DOES ANY OF THIS
MATTER?
I'VE BEEN TRYING TO AVOID
THINKING ABOUT OR DEALING WITH
CRYPTO UP UNTIL THIS POINT IN MY
LIFE."
BUT THAT'S ACTUALLY SORT OF THE
PROBLEM HERE.
BECAUSE IF THESE CONFLICTS OF
INTEREST WERE AS EASY TO
UNDERSTAND AS SOMETHING LIKE
JIMMY CARTER AND HIS PEANUT
FARM, I THINK THERE'D BE A LOT
MORE ALARM ABOUT JUST HOW
FLAGRANTLY CORRUPT AND
COMPROMISED TRUMP LOOKS HERE.
THAT'S WHY WE BADLY NEED PROPER
GUARD RAILS GOING FORWARD.
BUT THE CLARITY ACT IS JUST NOT
THE ANSWER.
AND UNTIL WE FIND A BETTER ONE,
MAYBE JUST ASSUME THAT IF YOU
SEE THE TRUMP FAMILY ENGAGING IN
A MAJOR CRYPTO DEAL, PROBABLY
WITH AN EMBARRASSINGLY
UNIMAGINATIVE NAME, SOME SHADY
SHIT IS LIKELY GOING DOWN.
BECAUSE IF AFTER ALL THIS, YOU
TRULY BELIEVE THAT EVERYONE
FUNNELING MONEY TO TRUMP THROUGH
CRYPTO -- INCLUDING THE SPY
SHEIKH -- EXPECTS NOTHING
NOTHING IN RETURN, AND IS JUST
MAKING A SOUND, RATIONAL
BUSINESS DECISION, THEN FRANKLY,
I'VE GOT A $6.2 MILLION BANANA
I'D LIKE TO SELL YOU.
AND NOW, THIS.
>> Announcer: AND NOW,
MORE DELIGHTFULLY BIZARRE
MUSINGS FROM PHILLIES COLOR
COMMENTATOR JOHN KRUK.
>> SO YOU KNOW HOW I THINK OF
THINGS WHEN I HAVE FREE TIME?
>> YEAH.
>> SO I WAS WONDERING, THE
PERSON WHO HAD BEEN AT THE
CLOCK --
>> WHICH ONE, THE DIGITAL --
>> THE FIRST CLOCK EVER.
HOW DID THAT PERSON KNOW WHAT
TIME IT WAS?
DID I EVER TELL YOU WE ARE
CUTTING DOWN TREES IN MY PLACE
IN WEST VIRGINIA AND SOME GUY
STARTED SHOOTING AT US.
>> I DON'T THINK YOU TOLD ME
THAT ONE.
>> 25 POUNDS OF PRESSURE IF
SOMEONE'S ATTACKING TO YOU YOU
CAN RIP THEIR EAR OFF.
THAT'S THE SAME AMOUNT OF
PRESSURE TO OPEN A PICKLE JAR.
>> YESSIR.
>> IF YOU CALL ME SIR AGAIN I'M
GOING TO PUNCH YOU.
>> SALAD ON A SANDWICH.
>> LIKE THE CROUTONS.
>> 0-22 SUAREZ.
INSIDE.
>> IF I WERE EVER TO BECOME A
VEGAN WOULD YOU PUNCH ME AS HARD
AS YOU CAN IN THE FACE.
>> I'M STILL BEING LOOKED AT
FROM THE FBI.
I'M SURE THEY HAD A NO FLY ZONE
FOR ME.
SOME KID CAME UP TO ME, HAD TO
BE LIKE 19.
DIDN'T SPEAK ENGLISH.
ASKED ME TO COME WITH HIM.
I SAID WHAT THE HELL.
YOU KNOW?
I GOT IN THE CAR WITH HIM.
I'M PROBABLY GOING TO DIE BUT
IT'S BEEN A GOOD RUN.
>> WE'VE GOT TIME, JOHN.
>> HOW MUCH TIME.
>> WE'VE GOT LIGHT, SO WE CAN GO
AS LONG AS YOU WANT.
>> BREAKING BALL, 2-2.
>> I'M NOT DEPRESSED ANYMORE.
>> John: MOVING ON.
BEFORE WE GO, A QUICK WORD ABOUT
THE WORLD CUP.
AND BY THE WAY, A BIG
CONGRATULATIONS TO SPAIN, AND A
BIGGER "FUCK YOU" TO ARGENTINA.
FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU.
YOU HEARD IT TO ME AGAIN.
YOU DID IT TO ME AGAIN!
THE WORLD CUP BROUGHT FANS FROM
ALL OVER THE GLOBE, AND IT WAS
GREAT TO WATCH THEM EXPERIENCE
WHAT AMERICA HAS TO OFFER --
FROM THIS TWEET FROM A SWEDISH
FAN READING, "EUROPE WE NEED
RANCH ASAP," TO ERLING HAALAND
RETURNING HOME WITH, AMONG OTHER
THINGS, A TAXIDERMIED RACCOON.
JIMOTHY, NO!
BUT THERE WAS ONE PLACE THAT
BECAME SOMETHING OF A
DESTINATION FOR INTERNATIONAL
VISITORS -- SPECIFICALLY, THIS.
>> OKAY, WE'RE INSIDE BUC-EE'S
AND IT HAS TO BE THE BIGGEST GAS
STATION EVER.
IT IS HUGE.
>> IT'S LIKE A -- IT'S LIKE A
SUPERMARKET REST AREA ON
STEROIDS, BY THE WAY.
>> HERE'S A CUP, YOU GET
UNLIMITED REFILLS FOR A DOLLAR.
IT'S BIGGER THAN MY HEAD.
WHAT THE FUCK?
>> YOU'VE GOT EVERYTHING.
A BISCUIT, SAUSAGE BISCUIT,
SAUSAGE AND EGG, EGG CHEESE,
BACON EGG CHEESE BISCUIT -- I
MIGHT TRY THAT BECAUSE I DON'T
KNOW WHAT A BISCUIT IS.
>> John: NOW, TO BE FAIR, I
DIDN'T ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT A
BISCUIT WAS BEFORE I CAME TO
AMERICA EITHER.
BECAUSE IN ENGLAND, A BISCUIT IS
A COOKIE, WHILE IN THE U.S.,
IT'S APPARENTLY A MOUND OF
BUTTER WEARING A BREAD COSTUME.
STILL, MADAM, WELCOME TO THE
FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR
LIFE.
A LIFE THAT'LL NOW BE BOTH
IMPROVED, AND SHORTENED, BY
BISCUITS.
IF YOU'RE NOT FAMILIAR WITH
BUC-EE'S, IT'S A GAS STATION
CHAIN ORIGINATING IN TEXAS,
WHERE YOU CAN NOT ONLY WATER
BOARD YOUR BLADDER WITH
DR. PEPPER, BUT WHERE THEY
FAMOUSLY DO EVERYTHING TO
EXCESS.
>> THESE DAYS, BUC-EES HAS 41
TRAVEL CENTERS THROUGHOUT THE
SOUTH, AND BOASTS TWO WORLD
RECORDS, FOR THE WORLD'S LARGEST
GAS STATION AND THE WORLD'S
LONGEST CAR WASH.
WHOA.
TECHNICOLOR.
HAVEN'T SEEN THAT BEFORE.
>> John: OKAY, FIRST, CALM DOWN.
CAR WASHES JIZZ PEPTO-BISMOL
OVER YOUR WINDOWS ALL THE TIME.
IT'S WHAT THEY DO.
AND SECOND, IF THAT IS THE
WORLD'S LONGEST CAR WASH, IT
PROBABLY ALSO HOLDS THE RECORD
FOR THE WORLD'S LONGEST AWKWARD
SILENCE AFTER SHARON ANNOUNCED
SHE WANTED A DIVORCE.
TODD HAD ALREADY PULLED IN, SO
THERE WAS NO WAY OUT, UNLIKE
THEIR MARRIAGE.
BUT AS YOU'VE ALREADY SEEN,
BUCEES IS BY NO MEANS JUST A GAS
STATION -- THEY ALSO SELL AN
ENORMOUS ARRAY OF FOOD, FROM
JERKY TO FRESH BRISKET CHOPPED
RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU, TO OVER
20 ROTATING FLAVORS OF FUDGE, TO
BUC-EE'S FAMOUS BEAVER NUGGETS.
WHICH LOOK LIKE BEAVER SHITS,
BUT ACTUALLY TASTE LIKE CARAMEL
FLAVORED BEAVER SHITS.
BUC-EES ALSO CLAIMS TO HAVE "THE
WORLD'S CLEANEST RESTROOMS."
AND TO BE FAIR, THEY DO LOOK
VERY NICE!
NOT ONLY DO THEY HAVE MULTIPLE
TOILET PAPER ROLLS TO CHOOSE
FROM, IN SOME LOCATIONS, THEY
EVEN PUT LIGHTS ABOVE EACH STALL
TO INDICATE IF THEY'RE OCCUPIED
-- A TECHNOLOGY APPARENTLY
CALLED "TOOSHLIGHTS."
WHICH IS AN ADORABLE NAME FOR
SOMETHING THAT ESSENTIALLY TELLS
YOU WHETHER OR NOT SOMEONE'S
SHITTING THEIR BRAINS OUT BEHIND
A CLOSED DOOR.
AND CRUCIALLY, ALMOST EVERYTHING
BUC-EE'S SELLS IS BRANDED WITH
ITS MASCOT, BUCKY BEAVER.
NOT ONLY IS THERE A BRONZE
VERSION OF BUCKY IN FRONT OF
MANY STORES, HE APPEARS ON MERCH
LIKE TUMBLERS, HATS, MAGNETS,
BAND-AIDS, STUFFED ANIMALS, AND
EVEN THEIR OWN BEAVER NUGGET
SCENTED TOILET SPRAY.
AND WHEN YOU SEE ALL THAT, YOU
DO START TO UNDERSTAND WHY
INTERNATIONAL TRAVELERS HAVE
BEEN SO TAKEN BY BUC-EE'S, AS
IT'S QUINTESSENTIALLY AMERICAN:
IT'S GLORIOUSLY WEIRD, IT'S
MASSIVE, AND IT'S ALSO FULL OF
SALTY SNACKS AND RED MEAT.
BUT UNFORTUNATELY, THERE'S
SOMETHING ELSE DEEPLY AMERICAN
ABOUT BUC-EE'S, AND THAT'S THIS.
>> THE BUC-EE'S BEAVER IS
FIGHTING AN ALLIGATOR.
THE POPULAR STOP FOR TRAVELERS
IS TAKING SAN ANTONIO'S CHOKE
CANYON BARBECUE RESTAURANT TO
FEDERAL COURT THIS WEEK.
BUC-EE'S CLAIMS THE CARTOON
ALLIGATOR WEARING A COWBOY HAT
IS TOO SIMILAR TO ITS LOGO OF A
BEAVER WEARING A BASEBALL CAP.
>> THE MEGA GAS STATION BUC-EE'S
IS SUING ANOTHER GAS STATION
CHAIN OVER ALLEGED TRADEMARK
INFRINGEMENT.
ATTORNEYS FOR BUC-EE'S ARGUE THE
SUPER FUELS LOGO IS A LITTLE TOO
SIMILAR TO BUC-EE'S LOGO AND
WOULD PROBABLY CONFUSE
CUSTOMERS.
>> BUC-EE'S HAS FILED A
TRADEMARK LAWSUIT AGAINST
GEORGIA-BASED TEDDY'S MARKET.
TEDDY'S IS A SMALL GAS STATION
CHAIN WITH LOCATIONS IN CANTON
AND BALL GROUND.
BUC-EE'S CLAIMS TEDDY'S CARTOON
BEAR LOGO IS TOO SIMILAR TO ITS
FAMOUS BEAVER.
>> John: YEAH, TURNS OUT,
BUC-EE'S LOVES TO SUE OTHER
COMPANIES, PARTICULARLY THOSE
WITH ANIMAL MASCOTS.
THEY'VE FILED OVER A DOZEN SUITS
OVER THE YEARS -- THREATENING
MANY MORE.
AND TO BE FAIR, WITH SOME, YOU
CAN KIND OF SEE WHY THEY WERE
MAD.
FOR INSTANCE, BUC-EES SUED A
CLOTHING COMPANY FOR SELLING
THESE SHIRTS OF WHAT SURE LOOKS
LIKE BUCKY BEAVER HOLDING A
MACHINE GUN, AND THEY THREATENED
TO SUE THIS STORE IN MEXICO
CALLED "BUK-II'S," SPELLED WITH
A "K" AND TWO "I"S, AND WHICH
FEATURED THIS AS THEIR MASCOT,
WHICH LOOKS LIKE WHAT A POLICE
SKETCH ARTIST WOULD DRAW IF AN
EYEWITNESS SAW THE REAL BUCKY
COMMITTING A HOMICIDE.
NOW, THAT STORE DID EVENTUALLY
WIND UP CHANGING THEIR SIGN, TO
LOOK LIKE THIS INSTEAD.
WHICH IS FANTASTIC.
I LOVE THAT THEY KEPT THE
"BUK-II'S" PART AND JUST ADDED
"MINI SUPER" TO IT, NOT
ADDRESSING THE KEY PROBLEM AT
ALL, WHILE ALSO CHANGING THEIR
MASCOT TO WHAT APPEARS TO BE
CHIP 'N' DALE IF THEY GOT REALLY
INTO DIRT BIKES AND METH.
BUT I HAVE TO SAY, OTHER
BUC-EE'S LAWSUITS SEEM MORE THAN
A LITTLE EXCESSIVE.
TAKE CHOKE CANYON, THAT CHAIN
WITH THE ALLIGATOR LOGO.
BUC-EE'S CLAIMED THAT IT
INFRINGED ON THEIR BEAVER
TRADEMARK IN PART BECAUSE OF THE
USE OF A BLACK CIRCLE
ENCOMPASSING THE ALLIGATOR, THE
USE OF A YELLOW BACKGROUND, AND
THE USE OF THE RED-COLORED
TONGUE OF THE ALLIGATOR COMPARED
TO THE RED HAT ON THE BEAVER.
WHICH SOUNDS LIKE THEY'RE
CLAIMING THEY HAVE LEGAL
OWNERSHIP OF BLACK CIRCLES,
YELLOW BACKGROUNDS, AND THE
COLOR RED.
AND SOME OF THEIR MORE RECENT
LAWSUITS JUST SEEM LIKE OUTRIGHT
BULLYING.
BUC-EE'S IS CURRENTLY SUING AN
OHIO CHAIN CALLED MICKEY'S,
WHOSE LOGO THEY CLAIMED
"INCORPORATES A CARTOON ANIMAL
FACING RIGHT WITH WIDE EYES AND
A SMILE, OVERLAYING A ROUND
BACKGROUND," SOMETHING IT SAYS
"IS LIKELY TO CAUSE CONFUSION
AMONG CONSUMERS."
AND PLEASE TRY AND KEEP THAT
CLAIM IN MIND WHEN I SHOW YOU
MICKEY'S ACTUAL LOGO, BECAUSE
IT'S THIS.
AND I'D ARGUE, IF YOU GET
CONFUSED BETWEEN THOSE TWO
LOGOS, THAT'S AN ISSUE WITH YOU.
BECAUSE ONE IS A BEAVER, AND ONE
IS A MOOSE.
THEY'RE AGGRESSIVELY DIFFERENT
ANIMALS.
IN FACT, THE FIRST QUESTION A
MEDIC SHOULD ASK IF THEY SUSPECT
YOU HAVE A CONCUSSION SHOULD BE:
IS THIS MOOSE ALSO THIS BEAVER?
IF YOU ANSWER "YES," GO STRAIGHT
TO THE HOSPITAL, DO NOT PASS
"GO," DO NOT COLLECT 200
DOLLARS, YOU ARE CONKED.
BUT THAT'S NOT CLOSE TO ALL --
AS YOU SAW, THEY'RE ALSO SUING
TEDDY'S, A GAS STATION WITH A
KOALA MASCOT.
THEY CLAIM TEDDY'S INFRINGES ON
THEIR TRADEMARK FOR A VARIETY OF
REASONS, INCLUDING THAT BOTH
NAMES ARE TWO-SYLLABLE WORDS
BEGINNING WITH A HARD CONSONANT
SOUND, HAVE A SECOND HARD
CONSONANT SOUND SEPARATING THE
SYLLABLES, AND BOTH END WITH AN
"EEZ" SOUND.
THEY ALSO COMPLAIN THAT "BOTH
CHARACTERS ARE ARBITRARILY
WEARING HATS."
AND HONEY, BE SERIOUS.
YOU CANNOT TRADEMARK ARBITRARILY
WEARING A HAT, BECAUSE IF YOU
COULD, PHARRELL WOULD'VE BEATEN
YOU TO IT.
AND IF YOU THOUGHT ALL THOSE
SUITS WERE RIDICULOUS, JUST WAIT
UNTIL YOU SEE THIS ONE.
>> JARRAD HEWETT SAYS HIS
UNDERWEAR LINE IS A HOT
COMMODITY INSIDE THE MARKET AT
NORTH PARK MALL.
>> HIS SMALL BUSINESS IS CALLED
NUT HUGGERS APPAREL.
BUT THE PAST FEW WEEKS HAVE NOT
BEEN FUNNY FOR HEWETT.
AFTER SINKING HUNDREDS OF
THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS INTO HIS
BUSINESS AND FINALLY SEEING IT
SUCCEED, HE WAS SHOCKED BY AN
EMAIL FROM BUC-EE'S.
>> THE INITIAL REQUEST CAME IN A
LITTLE HOT AND HEAVY.
THEY SUGGESTED THAT THEY OWNED
ALL CARTOON RODENTS.
>> John: OH, COME ON, BUC-EE'S.
YOU DON'T OWN ALL CARTOON
RODENTS.
YOU THINK YOU OWN MICKEY MOUSE,
MINNIE MOUSE, STUART LITTLE, THE
BEAVERS FROM ANGRY BEAVERS,
PINKY AND THE BRAIN, ROCKY,
CHUCK E CHEESE, RUFUS THE NAKED
MOLE RAT, TEMPLETON, OR JERRY?
YOU THINK YOU OWN THESE TWO
CARTOON RODENTS, FROZEN IN THE
MIDST OF SEXUAL ECSTASY?
BECAUSE I'VE GOT NEWS FOR YOU:
YOU DON'T.
I DO.
I OWN THOSE RATS.
BUT THAT WASN'T ALL -- BECAUSE
WHEN THEY STARTED GOING BACK AND
FORTH, BUC-EE'S, HAD A PRETTY
BROAD RANGE OF DEMANDS.
>> BUC-EES STATED HEWETT'S LOGO
WAS A TRADEMARK INFRINGEMENT
BECAUSE IT USES A "CARTOON BROWN
RODENT CHARACTER, SMILING WITH
BUCK TEETH, IN VARIOUS
DEPICTIONS.
BUC-EES DEMANDED HEWETT STOP
USING CARTOONS, RODENTS, THE
COLORS RED, YELLOW, AND BROWN,
NO BASEBALL HATS, AND ONLY
FRONT-FACING IMAGES.
HEWITT SAYS HE EMAILED BACK
SAYING HE WOULD STOP USING
SPECIFIC COLORS AND A SIDE
PROFILE OF HIS LOGO.
BUT EVEN THEN IT WAS NOT ENOUGH.
>> John: THAT'S CLEARLY JUST
RIDICULOUS.
FOR ONE THING, IF "FRONT-FACING
IMAGES" ARE APPARENTLY OKAY, WHY
THE FUCK DID BUC-EE'S GO AFTER
THE TEDDY'S KOALA?
THAT BEAR IS LOOKING YOU RIGHT
IN THE EYES.
HE'S PEERING INTO YOUR VERY
SOUL!
AND BUC-EE'S CONSTANT COMPLAINT
THAT NO ONE ELSE HAS THE RIGHT
TO USE ANIMAL LOGOS ISN'T JUST
ABSURD ON ITS FACE, IT GETS
ACTIVELY IRRITATING WHEN YOU SEE
THIS INTERVIEW WITH THE
COMPANY'S FOUNDER, ARCH "BEAVER"
APLIN, IN WHICH HE EXPLAINS BOTH
HIS NAME AND HIS INSPIRATION FOR
BUC-EE'S.
>> BEAVER WAS MY NICKNAME; MY
MOM NAMED ME THAT WHEN I WAS
BORN.
>> BUCKY BEAVER SPACE GUARD!
♪ BRUSH-A, BRUSH-A, BRUSH-A ♪
>> THERE WAS A CARTOON CHARACTER
WAY BACK, REALLY BEFORE MY
TIME --
♪ FOR YOUR TEETH! ♪
>> A TOOTHPASTE COMMERCIAL, AND
HE WAS BUCKY BEAVER.
SO, THIS FELLOW ALWAYS CALLED ME
BUCKY BEAVER GROWING UP.
>> John: WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
HOLD ON.
SO YOU'RE TELLING ME HE RIPPED
HIS COMPANY'S WHOLE DEAL FROM A
TOOTHPASTE RODENT?
BECAUSE THAT'S THE SAME FUCKING
BEAVER I'VE BEEN LOOKING AT FOR
THE PAST 10 MINUTES.
BUC-EE'S IS TRYING TO SAY AN
ALLIGATOR LOOKS TOO SIMILAR TO
ITS BEAVER.
MEANWHILE THESE TWO LOOK LIKE
THE FUCKING PROPERTY BROTHERS.
AND INCREDIBLY, TO DATE,
BUC-EE'S HAS WON NEARLY ALL OF
THE CASES IT'S BROUGHT --
USUALLY BECAUSE OTHER COMPANIES
OPT TO SETTLE AND REDESIGN THEIR
LOGOS, OR JUST FOLD COMPLETELY.
AND THAT'S PROBABLY BECAUSE MOST
JUST DON'T HAVE THE RESOURCES TO
FIGHT A COMPANY THIS BIG.
BUT BUC-EES SHOULD BE CAREFUL,
BECAUSE AS ONE LEGAL EXPERT HAS
SAID, "THE MORE YOU DO THIS, THE
MORE YOU MIGHT RUN INTO SOMEBODY
WHO HAS THE MEANS OR THE WILL TO
FIGHT WITH YOU ABOUT IT."
AND THAT IS WHERE WE COME IN.
BECAUSE IT TURNS OUT, WE HAVE
THE WILL AND THE RESOURCES TO
GET INTO A FIGHT WITH BUC-EE'S.
WE ALSO HAPPEN TO ALREADY HAVE A
RODENT MASCOT ON HAND: ONE
MR. NUTTERBUTTER, WHO'S
HELPFULLY NO STRANGER TO
FRIVOLOUS LAWSUITS.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
WE REALIZED THAT AFTER ALL THIS
TIME, MR. NUTTERBUTTER DOESN'T
HAVE HIS OWN LOGO, WHICH DIDN'T
SEEM RIGHT.
SO WE MADE ONE FOR HIM.
AND LET ME WALK YOU THROUGH OUR
DESIGN PROCESS.
FIRST, WE CAME UP WITH THIS
IMAGE THAT DEPICTS
MR. NUTTERBUTTER AS A CARTOON
ANIMAL WITH WIDE EYES AND A
SMILE, FACING RIGHT, A DIRECTION
THAT JUST SEEMED NATURAL FOR
HIM.
BUT IT FELT LIKE IT STILL NEEDED
A SPLASH OF COLOR.
SO, WE MADE HIS TONGUE RED, AND
THEN CHOSE TO ENCOMPASS
MR. NUTTERBUTTER IN A BLACK
CIRCLE WITH A YELLOW BACKGROUND.
AND AT THAT POINT, THE ONLY
THING IT FELT IT REALLY NEEDED
WAS SOME TEXT BELOW THE LOGO.
SO WE DECIDED TO GO WITH THIS.
WE LIKED THE PHRASE "BUC-OFF"
MAINLY BECAUSE IT'S A
TWO-SYLLABLE WORD COMPRISED OF
SIX LETTERS, BEGINNING WITH A
HARD CONSONANT SOUND AND A
SECOND HARD CONSONANT SOUND
SEPARATING THE SYLLABLES.
AND FINALLY, WE REALIZED --
WHAT'S THE POINT OF HAVING A
LOGO AS EYE-CATCHING AS THIS, IF
WE DON'T THEN PUT IT ON STUFF TO
SELL?
WHICH IS WHY I'M SO HAPPY TO
ANNOUNCE THAT YOU CAN NOW BUY
THIS IMAGE ON A VARIETY OF
PRODUCTS, FROM TUMBLERS, TO
HATS, TO SHIRTS, TO ONESIES, TO
MUGS, TO PAJAMAS, TO UMBRELLAS,
TO STICKERS, TO SOCKS, TO -- OF
COURSE -- UNDERWEAR.
YOU CAN BUY ANY OR ALL OF THESE
ITEMS FOR A LIMITED TIME AT
Buc-Off.com.
WITH ALL PROFITS GOING TO HUNGER
FREE AMERICA.
SO IF ANY PROMINENT GAS STATION
CHAIN OUT THERE HAS AN ISSUE
WITH OUR NEW LOGO AND PRODUCTS,
AND WANTS TO GET LAWYERS
INVOLVED, THEN YOU KNOW WHAT?
BRING IT THE FUCK ON.
THOUGH, REMEMBER: IN DOING SO,
YOU'D BE TAKING FOOD DIRECTLY
OUT OF HUNGRY PEOPLE'S MOUTHS.
AND IT'S ALSO WORTH KNOWING THAT
MR. NUTTERBUTTER CURRENTLY HAS A
PERFECT RECORD IN COURT, AND THE
LAST GUY WHO SUED US OVER HIM IS
TECHNICALLY DEAD NOW.
THAT'S NOT A THREAT -- IT'S JUST
SO, AT THIS POINT, BUC-EE'S, I
GUESS THE BEAVER NUGGET IS IN
YOUR COURT.
THE NEXT MOVE IS YOURS.
AND I'M ANXIOUS TO SEE WHAT IT'S
GOING TO BE!
AND YOU KNOW WHO ELSE IS LOOKING
FORWARD TO FINDING OUT?
THIS GUY, RIGHT HERE!
>> HI, EVERYONE!
HI, JOHN!
>> John: IT'S SO GREAT TO SEE
YOU, MR. NUTTERBUTTER -- HEY,
WHY ARE YOU WEARING THAT HAT?
>> I DON'T KNOW, JOHN!
IT'S TOTALLY ARBITRARY!
>> John: YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT --
YOU'RE ARBITRARILY WEARING A
HAT!
AND IF YOU WANT A HAT JUST LIKE
MR. NUTTERBUTTER'S, ALL YOU HAVE
TO DO IS GO TO Buc-Off.com!
REMEMBER: CHRISTMAS IS ONLY FIVE
MONTHS AWAY, WHY NOT GO BUCK
WILD?
THAT'S OUR SHOW.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WATCHING.
WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
GOODNIGHT!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
D, WELCOME HOME
!
BUDDY, WELCOME HOME!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪