♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> John: WELCOME, WELCOME,
WELCOME TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT!"
I'M JOHN OLIVER.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING
US.
IT HAS BEEN A BUSY WEEK.
PROGRESSIVE ABDUL EL-SAYED
NARROWLY WON THE DEMOCRATIC
PRIMARY IN MICHIGAN, A SPACEX
ROCKET CRASHED INTO THE MOON,
AND THERE WAS A FENDER-BENDER ON
I-71 IN CINCINNATI, WHICH ISN'T
ITSELF NOTEWORTHY, BUT THE WAY
IT GOT REPORTED WAS PRETTY
GREAT.
>> TRAFFIC IS SLOWING DOWN ON
BOTH SIDES AROUND THIS CAR AS
WELL AS THAT ON RAMP, OH SHI--
OH, I'M SO SORRY, I LITERALLY
JUST WATCHED A CRASH HAPPEN IN
REAL TIME, AND I ALMOST SAID
SOMETHING INAPPROPRIATE.
>> John: WELL, NOT ALMOST.
TO BE FAIR, YOU BASICALLY LET
THE WHOLE WORD OUT THERE.
NOT THAT I'M JUDGING, BY THE WAY
-- "OH SHIT" IS A COMPLETELY
APPROPRIATE RESPONSE TO SEEING A
CAR CRASH HAPPEN.
AN INAPPROPRIATE ONE WOULD'VE
BEEN IF YOU'D SAID, "NICE!"
OR "EH, THAT ONE DIDN'T DO IT
FOR ME," OR A LONG, SOFT MOAN.
BUT JUST BLURTING OUT "SHIT?"
THAT'S CALLED "BEING A HUMAN
BEING."
AND LOOK, I'D LOVE NOTHING MORE
THAN TO SPEND THE REST OF THIS
SHOW ENJOYING CLIPS OF PEOPLE
SWEARING ON LOCAL NEWS, BUT
SADLY THERE'S NO TIME TO DO
THAT.
BECAUSE WE'RE ACTUALLY GOING TO
DIVE IN WITH OUR MAIN STORY
TONIGHT, WHICH CONCERNS JUSTICE.
IT'S BOTH A SNATCHED BLINDFOLDED
LADY, AND ALSO, A PRETTY GOOD
NAME FOR A DOG ABOVE 40 POUNDS.
SPECIFICALLY, WE'RE GOING TO
TALK ABOUT THE DEPARTMENT OF
JUSTICE, WHICH HAS BEEN IN THE
NEWS A LOT LATELY FOR A BUNCH OF
REASONS, FROM ITS PROSECUTIONS
OF JAMES COMEY AND OTHER TRUMP
ENEMIES, TO SUBPOENAING
JOURNALISTS WHO'VE REPORTED
CRITICALLY ON THE
ADMINISTRATION.
AND JUST THIS WEEK, WE SAW AN
ABSOLUTE FIASCO SURROUNDING
JEANINE PIRRO-- U.S. ATTORNEY
FOR D.C. AND THE FUTURE STAR OF
THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF HELL.
YOU MIGHT REMEMBER LAST MONTH,
SHE CHARGED THIS FORMER OLYMPIC
CANOEIST WITH A FELONY FOR
ALLEGEDLY VANDALIZING THE
REFLECTING POOL, JUSTIFYING HER
DECISION LIKE THIS.
>> HEARN WILLFULLY DESTROYED
PROPERTY.
>> DID HE HAVE ANY TOOLS OR WAS
IT JUST HIS BARE HANDS?
>> RIGHT NOW, WE BELIEVE IT'S
HIS BARE HANDS.
BOTH HANDS!
>> SO, DOES THAT INDICATE IN
YOUR BELIEF THAT IT WAS PROBABLY
DAMAGED BEFORE, OR DO YOU
BELIEVE THAT HE DAMAGED IT
BEFORE--
>> OH, HE DAMAGED IT.
>> FURTHER, BUT DO YOU BELIEVE
IT HAD ALREADY BEEN DAMAGED
BEFORE?
>> HE DAMAGED THE POOL.
HE DAMAGED THIS POOL.
>> John: OKAY, OKAY, FIRST: YOU
HAVE TO PROMISE NOT TO TAKE WHAT
I'M ABOUT TO SAY OUT OF CONTEXT.
BECAUSE I DO NOT WANT TO SEE
THIS PULLED OUT IN A HEADLINE
TOMORROW, OKAY?
THAT SAID: WE SHOULDN'T ALWAYS
HAVE TO BELIEVE WOMEN.
BECAUSE SOMETIMES WOMEN, LIKE
JEANINE PIRRO-- AND MANY MEN!
CAN BE, AND AGAIN, DON'T QUOTE
ME ON THIS, DUMB AS FUCK, WRONG
AS SHIT, AND LOUDER THAN A DRUNK
PARAKEET.
THE POINT IS, THAT WAS A WILD
CLAIM, AND LAST FRIDAY, THE DOJ
QUIETLY MOVED TO DISMISS THE
CHARGE, ACKNOWLEDGING WHAT
EVERYONE ALREADY ASSUMED-- THAT
THE DAMAGE TO THE REFLECTING
POOL WAS THE RESULT OF A BOTCHED
INSTALLATION AND NOT, IN FACT,
VANDALISM.
TRUMP, THOUGH, WAS NOT HAPPY
ABOUT THAT, AND REPORTEDLY
CONSIDERED FIRING PIRRO, SAYING
THAT SHE "CHOKED," AND ADDING
THIS.
>> I WAS DISAPPOINTED WITH
JEANINE PIRRO-- REALLY
DISAPPOINTED WITH JEANINE PIRRO.
SHE FOLDED LIKE AN UMBRELLA.
>> John: OKAY, THAT IS,
UNFORTUNATELY, A VERY FUNNY WAY
OF SAYING IT.
HONESTLY, IN ANOTHER UNIVERSE--
A MUCH BETTER ONE-- TRUMP WOULD
BE A SASSY UPSTAIRS NEIGHBOR ON
A LONG-RUNNING SITCOM.
SADLY, INSTEAD, HE'S THE
PRESIDENT AND HIS BITCHY QUIPS
ABOUT BEING BUMMED THE U.S.
ATTORNEY FOR D.C. ISN'T GETTING
THE RESULTS HE PERSONALLY WANTS
ARE SIGNS OF A SLOW-MOVING
CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS.
AND THAT'S FAR FROM THE ONLY
SIGN THAT THE DOJ'S INCREASINGLY
ACTING AT TRUMP'S BEHEST.
JUST THIS WEEK, THE SENATE
CONFIRMED HIS FORMER PERSONAL
ATTORNEY TODD BLANCHE AS
ATTORNEY GENERAL-- DESPITE
AMONG OTHER THINGS, CONTROVERSY
OVER THE "ANTI-WEAPONIZATION
FUND MEANT TO BENEFIT TRUMP'S
ALLIES, AND THE ACCOMPANYING
SETTLEMENT THAT PROTECTED TRUMP
FROM IRS AUDITS, WHICH IS JUST
MADNESS.
THE DECIDING VOTE ON BLANCHE
CAME DOWN TO BILL CASSIDY, WHO
GAVE A SPEECH OUTLINING THE MANY
GOOD REASONS NOT TO CONFIRM
BLANCHE, BEFORE ANNOUNCING HE
WAS GOING TO VOTE FOR HIM
ANYWAY, AND THEN ENDING HIS
ADDRESS LIKE THIS.
>> I'LL BE CRITICIZED FOR THIS
WHAT'S NEW?
BUT...
PEOPLE OF LOUISIANA CAN BE
ASSURED THAT I WORKED HARD TO
UNDERSTAND THE ISSUE, AND TO
MAKE THE DECISION.
WITH THAT I YIELD.
>> John: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?
THAT'S GOTTA BE ONE OF THE MOST
OVER-THE-TOP DRAMATIC
PERFORMANCES I'VE EVER SEEN, AND
I'LL REMIND YOU, THAT'S COMING
FROM SOMEONE WHO'S NOW BEEN IN
MULTIPLE SOAP OPERAS.
[CHEERS AND APLAUSE]
I'M ON "DAYS OF OUR LIVES" NEXT
WEEK, BY THE WAY.
AS FOR, "I'LL BE CRITICIZED FOR
THIS, WHAT'S NEW," I DON'T KNOW
MAN, MAYBE TRY VOTING FOR
SOMETHING PEOPLE WOULD ACTUALLY
LIKE!
IF EVERY DAY BEFORE WORK YOU
PSYCH YOURSELF UP IN THE MIRROR
SAYING "HERE WE GO, ANOTHER DAY
AT THE ASSHOLE FACTORY MAKING
EVERYONE HATE ME," IT MIGHT BE
TIME TO RECONSIDER SOME OF YOUR
CHOICES!
AND LOOK, SOME OF THE MESSES AT
THE DOJ HAVE OBVIOUSLY BEEN WELL
COVERED, FROM THE REFLECTING
POOL, TO ITS SUSPICIOUS
TREATMENT OF THE EPSTEIN FILES.
BUT THE DAMAGE TO IT ACTUALLY
GOES FAR BEYOND THE SPLASHIEST
HEADLINES.
SO GIVEN THAT, TONIGHT, WE
THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE WORTH
CHECKING IN ON WHAT CHANGES
TRUMP'S MADE AT THE DOJ: WHO'S
WORKING THERE NOW, THE
PRIORITIES THEY'VE BEEN GIVEN,
AND WHAT THAT MEANS FOR THE REST
OF US.
AND LET'S START WITH THE FACT
THAT THE DOJ'S A MASSIVE
ORGANIZATION-- ENCOMPASSING
EVERYTHING FROM THE FBI, TO THE
DEA, TO THE BUREAU OF PRISONS.
BUT WE'RE GOING TO FOCUS MAINLY
ON THE THOUSANDS OF LAWYERS WHO,
AMONG OTHER THINGS, LITIGATE ITS
CASES.
THEY'VE LONG BEEN HELD IN HIGH
ESTEEM WITHIN THE LEGAL
PROFESSION, AND AT LEAST
POST-NIXON, MOST MODERN
PRESIDENTS HAVE UNDERSTOOD THAT
THEIR MISSION NECESSITATES A
DEGREE OF INDEPENDENCE.
IN FACT, THE FIRST TIME OBAMA
MET WITH HIS U.S. ATTORNEYS, HE
APPARENTLY TOLD THEM, "I
APPOINTED YOU, BUT YOU DON'T
SERVE ME.
YOU SERVE THE AMERICAN PEOPLE."
AND AS THIS FORMER DOJ OFFICIAL
POINTS OUT, THAT IDEAL IS
FOUNDATIONAL TO HOW THE
DEPARTMENT IS SUPPOSED TO
OPERATE.
>> IN THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE,
WHEN YOU STAND UP IN COURT, YOU
DON'T SAY, "I'M MIKE GORDON
REPRESENTING A PARTICULAR
PERSON."
YOU SAY, "I'M MIKE GORDON
REPRESENTING THE UNITED STATES
AND ALL OF ITS PEOPLE," EVEN THE
DEFENDANT, EVEN THE JUDGE
HIMSELF.
>> John: EXACTLY!
YOU REPRESENT ALL AMERICA'S
PEOPLE.
THE DEFENDANT, THE JUDGE, QUEEN
LATIFAH, YOUR SOPHOMORE ENGLISH
TEACHER, THE HAWK TUAH GIRL, A
FEW HUNDRED THOUSAND STEVES,
WHITE GIRLS WITH DREADLOCKS
NAMED RIVER SWALLOW, AND THE BUS
DRIVERS WHO CLOSE THE DOOR EVEN
THOUGH THEY DEFINITELY SAW YOU
RUNNING.
DOJ LAWYERS SPEAK FOR ALL OF
THEM.
AND EVEN TRUMP'S FIRST ATTORNEY
GENERAL THIS TERM, PAM BONDI,
SEEMED TO KNOW ENOUGH TO PROMISE
SENATORS SHE'D PRESERVE THE
AGENCY'S INDEPENDENCE DURING HER
CONFIRMATION HEARINGS.
>> I WILL NOT POLITICIZE THAT
OFFICE.
I WILL NOT TARGET PEOPLE SIMPLY
BECAUSE OF THEIR POLITICAL
AFFILIATION.
JUSTICE WILL BE ADMINISTERED
EVEN-HANDEDLY THROUGHOUT THIS
COUNTRY.
>> John: WELL, THANK YOU,
PAMELA JO.
I FOR ONE HAVE ALWAYS WONDERED
WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF ELLE WOODS
GOT HOOKED ON LORAZAPAM AND NOW
I KNOW.
BUT THE INDEPENDENCE PROMISED BY
PINSTRIPE TARGARYEN HERE CLEARLY
DIDN'T LAST LONG.
JUST A FEW WEEKS INTO BONDI'S
TIME ON THE JOB, SHE ACTUALLY
ACCOMPANIED TRUMP TO THE DOJ TO
ADDRESS STAFF, WHERE SHE SAID,
"WE ARE SO PROUD TO WORK AT THE
DIRECTIVE OF DONALD TRUMP."
HE THEN GAVE A SPEECH IN WHICH
HE COMPLAINED THE DOJ HAD BECOME
A CORRUPT GROUP OF HACKS AND
RADICALS AND MADE IT CLEAR THAT
HE FELT IT'D BEEN WEAPONIZED
AGAINST HIM, DRAWING THIS
STRIKING COMPARISON.
>> I WAS ATTACKED BY A POLITICAL
OPPONENT, AND PROBABLY IT HELPED
THAT I WAS ATTACKED MORE THAN
ANYBODY IN THE HISTORY OF OUR
COUNTRY.
ALPHONSE CAPONE, THE GREAT
ALPHONSE CAPONE, LEGENDARY,
SCARFACE, WAS ATTACKED ONLY A
TINY FRACTION OF WHAT TRUMP WAS
ATTACKED.
>> John: OKAY, FIRST, I'M SORRY:
"ALPHONSE?"
WHAT ARE YOU, CAPONE'S MOTHER
WHEN SHE'S MAD AT HIM?
BUT SECOND, WHY ON EARTH WOULD
YOU TRY TO AFFIRM YOUR INNOCENCE
BY REFERENCING A FAMOUS
CRIMINAL?
IF YOU DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO
ASSOCIATE YOU WITH SOMETHING,
DON'T BRING UP THE COMPARISON.
THERE'S A REASON YOU'LL NEVER
CATCH ME MAKING REFERENCE TO
MR. PEABODY OR MARCIE OR
MILHOUSE OR NERDY NUT BEAR, THE
OFFICIAL MASCOT OF NERDY NUTS OR
INDEED, THIS SINK.
I NEED THE AUDIENCE TO KEEP US
SEPARATE.
BUT SURE ENOUGH, ALMOST
IMMEDIATELY AFTER TRUMP TOOK
OFFICE LAST YEAR, THE DOJ BEGAN
TO PURGE OFFICIALS WHO'D
INVESTIGATED HIM OR HIS ALLIES
-- AND THAT WAS JUST THE
BEGINNING OF A MASSIVE
HOUSECLEANING.
AND IT'S WORTH UNDERSTANDING THE
EXTENT TO WHICH THE DOJ'S
WORKFORCE HAS CHANGED.
FIRST, IT'S GOTTEN MEANINGFULLY
SMALLER.
BEFORE TRUMP TOOK OFFICE, THERE
WERE JUST UNDER 13,000 ATTORNEYS
AT THE DOJ.
BUT NEARLY 4,000 HAVE SINCE
LEFT, AND ONLY AROUND 1,400 HAVE
BEEN HIRED TO REPLACE THEM.
IN FACT, THEY SEEM TO BE REALLY
STRUGGLING TO RECRUIT PEOPLE, AS
THE JOB STANDARDS IN SOME
OFFICES HAVE BEEN LOWERED TO THE
POINT APPLICANTS NO LONGER EVEN
HAVE TO HAVE WORKED AS AN
ATTORNEY-- THEY JUST HAVE TO
HAVE A LAW DEGREE AND ACTIVE
STATE BAR MEMBERSHIP.
AND EVEN SOME OF ITS NON-LAWYER
HIRES HAVE BEEN QUESTIONABLE.
JUST WATCH THIS EXCHANGE WHEN
BONDI TESTIFIED BEFORE CONGRESS
IN FEBRUARY, AND A CONGRESSMAN
BROUGHT UP SOME FOOTAGE FROM
JANUARY 6.
>> I WANT TO SHOW YOU JUST A
BRIEF VIDEO.
IT'S ABOUT 30 SECONDS, AND I'LL
ASK YOU A COUPLE QUESTIONS ABOUT
IT.
>> YOU GUYS ARE DISGUSTING, MAN.
YOU GUYS ARE DISGUSTING.
I'M FORMER-- I'M FORMER LAW
ENFORCEMENT.
YOU'RE DISGUSTING.
YOU ARE THE NAZI.
YOU ARE THE GESTAPO.
>> SHAME ON YOU!
SHAME ON YOU!
YEAH!
FUCK THEM!
YEAH!
KILL 'EM!
YEAH!
>> USA!
USA!
>> ATTORNEY GENERAL BONDI, THAT
MAN WORKS FOR YOU NOW, RIGHT?
>> WHO WAS THAT, CONGRESSMAN?
>> THE MAN IN THAT VIDEO, THE
ONE WHO WAS IN THE POLICE-WORN
BODYCAM FOOTAGE, THE ONE
ALLEGEDLY YELLING, "KILL HIM,"
AT POLICE OFFICERS ON
JANUARY 6TH.
HIS NAME IS JARED WISE.
>> HE DOES WORK FOR US.
>> HE WORKS FOR YOU AT THE
DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE.
>> HE DOES.
>> John: YEAH, NOT GREAT!
ESPECIALLY GIVEN THE MAN IN
QUESTION-- THIS GUY-- WAS
HIRED AS PART OF THE DOJ'S NEW
"WEAPONIZATION WORKING GROUP."
THOUGH MAYBE THE WORST PART
THERE IS BONDI ASKING FOR HIS
NAME, AS IF ANY ONE IN THE CROWD
OF SCREAMING, VIOLENT RIOTERS
COULD PLAUSIBLY BE WORKING FOR
HER.
"DID I HIRE THE SHRIEKING
LUNATIC YOU JUST SHOWED ME?
YOU'LL HAVE TO BE MORE SPECIFIC,
I SEE A LOT OF STRONG CANDIDATES
AND FAMILIAR FACES THERE."
BUT IT'S NOT JUST PERSONNEL
THAT'S CHANGED, IT'S PRIORITIES.
AS YOU'VE PROBABLY NOTICED, THE
AGENCY'S BROUGHT A BUNCH OF
CASES AND INVESTIGATIONS AGAINST
TRUMP'S ENEMIES-- INCLUDING
ONES AGAINST JAMES COMEY,
LETITIA JAMES, ADAM SCHIFF, AND
JEROME POWELL.
AND IT SEEMS FAIR TO SUGGEST
THAT MANY WERE BROUGHT ON
TRUMP'S PERSONAL INSTRUCTIONS,
ESPECIALLY GIVEN LAST FALL, HE
LITERALLY POSTED THIS NOTE TO
PAM BONDI THAT READ, PAM: I HAVE
REVIEWED OVER 30 STATEMENTS AND
POSTS SAYING THAT, ESSENTIALLY,
"SAME OLD STORY AS LAST TIME,
ALL TALK, NO ACTION."
"NOTHING IS BEING DONE.
WHAT ABOUT COMEY, ADAM "SHIFTY"
SCHIFF, LETICIA?"
JUSTICE MUST BE SERVED NOW," ALL
CAPS.
NOW, THERE'VE BEEN REPORTS THAT
WAS ACTUALLY MEANT TO BE A DM
TO BONDI, BUT TRUMP ACCIDENTALLY
POSTED IT PUBLICLY INSTEAD.
WHICH SEEMS PLAUSIBLE TO ME.
NOT JUST BECAUSE OF THE USE OF
"PAM" UP TOP BUT ALSO BECAUSE,
REMEMBER, TRUMP WAS BORN IN
1946.
IT'S FRANKLY A MIRACLE WE DON'T
SEE HIM ACCIDENTALLY POSTING
MORE THINGS HE THOUGHT HE WAS
TYPING PRIVATELY, LIKE, "TRUMP
APPROVAL RATING" OR "KRISTI NOEM
BATHING SUIT" OR "WHICH ONE WAS
LINDSEY GRAHAM?"
NOW, MANY OF THE CASES AND
INVESTIGATIONS I'VE MENTIONED SO
FAR HAVE SINCE FALLEN APART--
AND WHILE I'D LIST THEM FOR YOU,
IT'S A LOT MORE FUN WATCHING
THEM BEING RECITED DIRECTLY INTO
TODD BLANCHE'S FACE.
>> THE RECORD HAS BEEN-- HAS
BEEN TOUGH.
FOR BOTH COMEY AND JAMES, THE
INDICTMENTS GET DISMISSED.
THE INDICTMENT AGAINST
CONGRESSMAN ADAM SCHIFF THAT HE
CALLED FOR IT NEVER GETS OFF THE
GROUND.
THE PROBE INTO THOSE SIX
DEMOCRATIC LAWMAKERS, THE GRAND
JURY DECLINES TO INDICT.
A JUDGE IN D.C. TOSSES OUT A
SUBPOENA FOR FEDERAL RESERVE
CHAIR JEROME POWELL.
THAT'S BAD NEWS FOR THE
DEPARTMENT.
NO?
>> WELL, NOT-- NOT BAD NEWS FOR
THE DEPARTMENT.
IT MEANS THAT WE'RE WORKING
HARD.
LOOK, THOSE ARE DIFFICULT CASES.
THEY ARE DIFFICULT CASES, THE
ONES THAT YOU TALKED ABOUT, AND
SOME OF THEM ARE STILL ONGOING,
SO IT'S-- IT'S I'M NOT, I'M
DANCING AROUND THE CONVERSATION
A LITTLE BIT, BUT, BUT WE'RE NOT
GONNA RUN AWAY FROM HARD CASES,
EVEN IF THE MEDIA DOESN'T LIKE
IT.
>> John: OKAY, FIRST, NO ONE'S
ACCUSING YOU OF RUNNING AWAY;
THEY'RE ACCUSING YOU OF
"LOSING."
REST ASSURED, EVERYONE BELIEVES
YOU RAN COCK-FIRST AS HARD AS
YOU COULD STRAIGHT INTO A BRICK
WALL.
AND SECOND, I DIDN'T REALIZE THE
EXISTENCE OF REPEATED,
UNSUCCESSFUL ATTEMPTS WAS
ACTUALLY "GOOD" NEWS.
THAT'S HUGE FOR D.C. MOVIES, IF
TRUE!
AND THAT STRING OF FAILURES
BRINGS ME TO THE FACT THAT A LOT
OF PEOPLE THAT TRUMP'S BROUGHT
IN TO THE DOJ SEEM TO BE WELL
BELOW THE STANDARD YOU'D EXPECT
IN THEIR JOBS.
AND ONE KEY SIGN OF THIS IS THE
DOJ'S REPEATED FAILURE TO GET
GRAND JURY INDICTMENTS.
THAT'S OFTEN A FORMALITY IN OUR
LEGAL PROCESS-- BASICALLY, THE
GOVERNMENT GETS TO PRESENT ITS
EVIDENCE, WITHOUT ANY RESPONSE
FROM THE DEFENSE, AND GRAND
JURORS MERELY HAVE TO DECIDE
WHETHER THE GOVERNMENT'S PROVEN
THAT THERE'S "PROBABLE CAUSE"
THAT A SUSPECT HAS COMMITTED A
CRIME.
WHICH IS A VERY LOW BAR.
IN FACT, IT'S SO PRO FORMA,
THERE'S AN OLD SAYING THAT ANY
GOOD PROSECUTOR CAN GET A GRAND
JURY TO INDICT A HAM SANDWICH.
AND BEFORE YOU ROLL YOUR EYES AT
HOW FOLKSY THAT SOUNDS, YOU
SHOULD KNOW THE SANDWICH IN
QUESTION PULLED ITS DICK OUT IN
A MOVIE THEATER.
AND TO ANSWER THE ONE QUESTION I
KNOW YOU ALL HAVE: IT WAS
"DESPICABLE ME."
BUT INCREDIBLY, TRUMP'S DOJ HAS
FREQUENTLY BEEN UNABLE TO CLEAR
THAT VERY LOW BAR, WITH ONE
NOTABLE INSTANCE INVOLVING A
LITERAL SANDWICH.
YOU MAY REMEMBER LAST YEAR IN
D.C. WHEN A MAN THREW A SUB AT A
BORDER PATROL AGENT AND RAN
AWAY.
WELL, IN THE IMMEDIATE
AFTERMATH, JEANINE PIRRO BRAGGED
SHE WAS GOING TO THROW THE BOOK
AT HIM.
>> HE THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY.
WELL, HE DOESN'T THINK IT'S
FUNNY TODAY BECAUSE WE CHARGED
HIM WITH A FELONY-- ASSAULT ON
A POLICE OFFICER.
AND WE'RE GONNA BACK THE POLICE
TO THE HILT.
SO THERE, STICK YOUR SUBWAY
SANDWICH SOMEWHERE ELSE.
>> John: SO, FIRST, HE CAN'T
ACTUALLY STICK HIS SUBWAY
SANDWICH SOMEWHERE ELSE, HE
PRETTY FAMOUSLY THREW IT AT
SOMEONE.
SECOND, I'D ARGUE IT IS ACTUALLY
STILL FUNNY AND FINALLY, NO
NOTES ON THE PANTSUIT THERE, I
GENUINELY LIKE THAT YOU WENT TO
YOUR TAILOR AND ASKED TO LOOK
LIKE CRUELLA DEVILLE IF SHE GOT
AWAY WITH IT.
BUT AS FAR AS "BRINGING JUSTICE"
TO THE SANDWICH THROWER-- THAT
MAN APPARENTLY OFFERED TO TURN
HIMSELF IN AFTER PROSECUTORS
ISSUED A WARRANT, BUT INSTEAD,
THEY LAUNCHED A MILITARIZED,
20-PERSON OPERATION TO STORM HIS
APARTMENT.
AND THE WHITE HOUSE EVEN
RELEASED THIS DRAMATIC VIDEO OF
THAT RAID.
♪ ♪
[HORN BLARING]
>> COMING DOWN.
♪ ♪
>> John: EVERY PART OF THAT IS
SO DUMB, INCLUDING THE TIME
STAMPS.
11:13 TO 11:21?
YOU'RE TELLING ME IT TOOK A SWAT
TEAM 8 MINUTES TO ARREST A GUY
WHOSE CRIME IS COMMITTED EVERY
DAY BY CHILDREN AT RECESS AND
WHO'D ALREADY TRIED TO TURN
HIMSELF IN?
AS FOR "WEST END, DC?"
ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE THAT FEEL
GRITTY?
WHERE DID YOUR BIG SCARY MISSION
HAPPEN, DIPSHITS, SOMEWHERE
BETWEEN THE SPANISH EMBASSY AND
THE RITZ?
BUT THE FACT THEY MADE SUCH A
PRODUCTION OUT OF THAT MAN'S
ARREST IS WHAT MAKES IT SO
EMBARRASSING THAT, WHEN
PROSECUTORS EVENTUALLY SHOWED
THEIR EVIDENCE TO A GRAND JURY,
IT DECLINED TO INDICT HIM.
PIRRO ULTIMATELY SETTLED FOR
CHARGING HIM WITH A MISDEMEANOR,
BUT EVEN THEN, HE GOT ACQUITTED,
IN PART BECAUSE, WHILE THE AGENT
IN QUESTION TESTIFIED THAT "THE
SANDWICH KIND OF EXPLODED ALL
OVER," AND I COULD FEEL IT
THROUGH MY BALLISTIC VEST, AND
THAT HE "SMELLED THE ONIONS AND
THE MUSTARD," THE DEFENSE
POINTED TO VIDEO SHOWING THAT
THE SANDWICH HAD ACTUALLY STAYED
INTACT INSIDE ITS WRAPPER, WHICH
IS JUST INCREDIBLE.
I WISH I COULD'VE SEEN THAT
AGENT WALK INTO A BAR AFTER WORK
AND RESPOND TO "HOW WAS YOUR
DAY" WITH "NOT GREAT, TO BE
HONEST, I TOLD A JURY A SANDWICH
EXPLODED ON ME, BUT THEY HAD
VIDEO."
AND THAT'S BY NO MEANS THE ONLY
HIGH-PROFILE PROSECUTION THAT
FELL APART.
IN CHICAGO, AN ATTEMPT TO
PROSECUTE THE SO-CALLED
"BROADVIEW SIX"-- PROTESTORS
WHO'D BEEN ARRESTED OUTSIDE THE
BROADVIEW I.C.E. FACILITY-- WAS
WITHDRAWN AFTER MISCONDUCT BY
THE PROSECUTORS THERE, INCLUDING
THE FACT THEY'D SPOKEN TO GRAND
JURORS OUTSIDE THE GRAND JURY
ROOM.
WHAT'S MORE, AFTER INITIALLY
FAILING TO GET AN INDICTMENT,
THEY TRIED AGAIN, BUT STACKED
THE DECK BY REMOVING SOME JURORS
WHO'D PREVIOUSLY VOTED AGAINST
THEM.
WHICH IS NOT HOW IT WORKS.
AND TRANSCRIPTS OF THAT
PROCEEDING WERE AN ABSOLUTE
EMBARRASSMENT.
>> CHECK OUT THIS EXCHANGE FROM
OCTOBER 16TH BETWEEN ASSISTANT
U.S. ATTORNEY SHERRY MECKLENBURG
AND A GRAND JUROR.
GRAND JUROR, QUOTE, "ARE YOU
ACTUALLY PRESENTING ANY NEW
ACTUAL FACTS OR JUST A DIFFERENT
VIEWPOINT ON YOUR SIDE?"
MS. MECKLENBURG, QUOTE, "OKAY,
I'M FEELING THE SKEPTICISM
ALREADY.
ARE YOU GOING TO BE ABLE TO
LISTEN WITH AN OPEN MIND?
TELL ME THE TRUTH."
GRAND JUROR, QUOTE, "I-- NO."
MS. MECKLENBURG, QUOTE, "OKAY,
THEN YOU HAVE TO GO."
GRAND JUROR, QUOTE, "I HEARD
THIS CASE LIKE LAST WEEK AND I
THOUGHT IT WAS A CROCK OF
EXPLETIVE THEN AND I STILL THINK
IT IS."
>> John: EXCELLENT.
I KNOW ONCE YOU DO JURY DUTY
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE OUT OF THE
RUNNING FOR AWHILE, BUT I'D
ARGUE WE SHOULD HAVE THAT PERSON
ON ALL JURIES GOING FORWARD.
BECAUSE THEY'RE A NATURAL.
I GENUINELY WISH THEY'D BEEN
CALLED FOR THE ELIZABETH HOLMES
TRIAL, JUST SO WE'D HAVE A
TRANSCRIPT READING, JUROR,
QUOTE: "HOLY SHIT YOUR CLIENT IS
GUILTY AS FUCK, AND WHY DOES SHE
SOUND LIKE MIRA SORVINO AT THE
BOTTOM OF A WELL?"
AND LOOK, YOU MIGHT BE THINKING,
"WELL, THAT CASE WAS COMPLETELY
MERITLESS, I'M GLAD THE DOJ
FUCKED IT UP."
BUT FIRST, REMEMBER: FOR PEOPLE
CAUGHT UP IN THESE BULLSHIT
PROSECUTIONS, THEY'VE BEEN
SCARY, TIME-CONSUMING, AND
COSTLY.
AND SECOND, THE DOJ'S
INCOMPETENCE UNFORTUNATELY ISN'T
LIMITED TO THESE CASES-- SOME
OF THEIR NEW HIRES HAVE FUCKED
UP CASES WHERE THE STAKES ARE
MUCH HIGHER.
IN WYOMING, TRUMP'S
NEWLY-APPOINTED PROSECUTOR-- A
MAN WHO'D, INCIDENTALLY, NEVER
BEFORE APPEARED IN COURT AS PART
OF A CRIMINAL OR CIVIL
PROCEEDING-- BEHAVED WILDLY
UNPROFESSIONALLY, INCLUDING AT
ONE POINT "HANDING OUT HIS
BUSINESS CARDS" TO MEMBERS OF
THE GRAND JURY AND INVITING THEM
TO REACH OUT TO HIM.
HIS CONDUCT WAS SO EGREGIOUS, A
COURT DISMISSED INDICTMENTS HE'D
GOTTEN AGAINST NINE CRIMINAL
DEFENDANTS, INCLUDING ONES
FACING CHARGES FOR MURDER AND
REPEAT POSSESSION OF CHILD
PORNOGRAPHY.
AND WHILE A NEW GRAND JURY LATER
RECHARGED THOSE PARTICULAR
CASES, IT'S NOT GREAT THAT THIS
GUY'S SEEMINGLY LEARNING HOW
GRAND JURIES WORK ON THE JOB--
ESPECIALLY GIVEN HE'S STILL IN
CHARGE OF THAT FUCKING OFFICE.
AND THAT'S THE THING HERE: IN
NORMAL TIMES, THE DOJ DOES SOME
INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT WORK.
BUT SADLY, UNDER TRUMP, WHILE
POLITICAL PROSECUTIONS HAVE
RISEN, OTHER, GENUINELY
IMPORTANT ONES HAVE EITHER BEEN
MESSED UP OR JUST TOSSED ASIDE.
FOR ALL THE HEADLINES ABOUT
BULLSHIT CASES LIKE THE
REFLECTING POOL OR THE SANDWICH
MURDERER, THE REAL DECAY AT THE
DEPARTMENT HAS UNFORTUNATELY GOT
MUCH LESS ATTENTION.
WHICH ISN'T GOOD.
BECAUSE IT FEELS IMPORTANT TO
KNOW THAT NOT LONG AFTER BONDI
WAS APPOINTED, THE AGENCY BEGAN
SHUTTING DOWN MORE THAN 23,000
CRIMINAL INVESTIGATIONS,
CONCERNING THINGS LIKE
TERRORISM, WHITE-COLLAR CRIME,
DRUGS, AND OTHER OFFENSES-- AND
INCLUDING EVERYTHING FROM A
VIRGINIA NURSING HOME WITH A
RECENT RECORD OF PATIENT ABUSE,
TO AN INVESTIGATION INTO A
CRYPTOCURRENCY COMPANY SUSPECTED
OF CHEATING INVESTORS.
BUT MAYBE THE GRIMMEST PICTURE
OF THE QUIET DAMAGE A
POLITICIZED DOJ CAN DO, CAN BE
SEEN BY LOOKING AT ITS CIVIL
RIGHTS DIVISION.
IT'S OFTEN REFERRED TO AS THE
"CROWN JEWEL" OF THE JUSTICE
DEPARTMENT.
IT WAS CREATED BY CONGRESS
DURING THE CIVIL RIGHTS ERA, TO
ENSURE ALL THE NEW LAWS
PROHIBITING DISCRIMINATION IN
VOTING, EMPLOYMENT, AND SO ON
WERE ACTUALLY BEING ENFORCED.
UNFORTUNATELY, THAT MISSION'S
NOW BEEN TURNED ON ITS HEAD
UNDER ITS CURRENT LEADER,
HARMEET DHILLON.
YOU MAY REMEMBER WE SHOWED YOU A
CLIP OF HER EARLIER THIS YEAR,
TALKING ABOUT HOW SHE FINDS
CASES TO PURSUE ON SOCIAL MEDIA,
AND BY FOLLOWING ACCOUNTS LIKE
LIBS OF TIKTOK.
WELL, THAT'S JUST THE BEGINNING
OF THE RED FLAGS WHEN IT COMES
TO PUTTING HER IN CHARGE OF
CIVIL RIGHTS.
>> SOMEONE ASKED ME WHAT I THINK
IS ONE OF THE-- OR THE MOST
CRITICAL CIVIL RIGHTS ISSUE OF
OUR TIME THAT'S ON A DAILY
BASIS.
AND I SAID I THINK IT IS-- IT'S
NOT EVEN IN THE BILL OF RIGHTS.
IT'S THE FACT THAT AMERICANS
FEEL LIKE THEY HAVE TO LIE EVERY
DAY TO GET THROUGH THE DAY.
THEY HAVE TO LIE ABOUT PRONOUNS.
THEY HAVE TO LIE ABOUT THE
PERSON IN THE CUBICLE NEXT TO
THEM BEING QUALIFIED IF THEY
AREN'T.
THEY HAVE TO PRETEND TO LAUGH AT
AND LIKE CERTAIN TYPES OF JOKES,
THE LATE-NIGHT COMEDIANS WHEN
THEY DON'T AGREE WITH THEM.
>> John: OKAY, OBVIOUSLY, IT'S
BONKERS TO BE CLAIMING THAT THE
BIGGEST ISSUES RIGHT NOW ARE
LYING ABOUT PRONOUNS, JOB
QUALIFICATIONS, AND LATE NIGHT
COMEDIANS, THOUGH-- FOR THE
RECORD-- MY AUDIENCE IS NOT
"PRETENDING" TO FIND MY JOKES
FUNNY, THEY'RE SIMPLY LAUGHING
OUT OF AN ABUNDANCE OF
POLITENESS UNTIL I GET TO THE
SAD FACTS AND NUMBERS WE ALL
KNOW THEY CAME TO SEE.
SPEAKING OF WHICH: HEY, GUYS!
ACCORDING TO THE CENTER FOR
BIOLOGICAL DIVERSITY, WITH AT
LEAST 51 WHALE DEATHS SO FAR
THIS YEAR, 2026 COULD RANK AMONG
THE DEADLIEST YEARS FOR WEST
COAST WHALES!
THEY LOVE FACTS!
BUT DHILLON'S LIST OF GRIEVANCES
THERE IS BASICALLY A
BIZARRO-WORLD VERSION OF CIVIL
RIGHTS WHERE THE ONLY ONES THAT
MATTER ARE THOSE OF
CONSERVATIVES.
FOR EXAMPLE, HER DIVISION'S BEEN
AGGRESSIVELY LOOKING INTO
SUPPOSED "VOTER FRAUD"-- SUING
D.C. AND THIRTY STATES TO OBTAIN
UNREDACTED VOTER ROLLS, TO FISH
AROUND FOR OFFENDERS.
NOTABLY, THEIR RECORD TO DATE
WITH THOSE LAWSUITS IS FOCUSED
STRAIGHT LOSSES.
AND LAUNCHED INVESTIGATIONS
FOCUSED ON POTENTIAL
DISCRIMINATION AGAINST WHITE
APPLICANTS.
AND AT THE SAME TIME, IT'S
DROPPED LAWSUITS AND
INVESTIGATIONS INTO ALL THESE
POLICE DEPARTMENTS, INCLUDING
THE PHOENIX P.D., WHERE THE DOJ
HAD PREVIOUSLY FOUND, AMONG
OTHER THINGS, SEVERE
DISCRIMINATION, ROUTINE
VIOLATIONS OF THE RIGHTS OF
HOMELESS PEOPLE, AND EXCESSIVE
USE OF FORCE.
AND GOOD LUCK EXPLAINING THAT.
"SORRY, GUYS, WE CAN'T
INVESTIGATE POLICE MISCONDUCT!
BRANTLEY COULDN'T GET INTO YALE,
SO WE HAD TO MAKE A WHOLE
FEDERAL CASE OUT OF IT.
HE'S DUMB AS SHIT, BUT HIS DAD'S
VERY SUCCESSFUL, AND THAT USED
TO MEAN SOMETHING!"
BUT THAT IS NOT ALL.
BECAUSE THE CIVIL RIGHTS
DIVISION HAS ALSO STEPPED IN TO
UNDO SETTLEMENTS IT HAD REACHED
WHILE BIDEN WAS IN OFFICE.
ONE SUCH SETTLEMENT INVOLVED
LOWNDES COUNTY, ALABAMA-- A
HISTORICALLY UNDERRESOURCED,
PRIMARILY BLACK AREA WHERE MANY
RESIDENTS HAVE NEVER HAD ACCESS
TO A MUNICIPAL WATER OR SEWAGE
SYSTEM.
BEFORE BIDEN'S DOJ GOT INVOLVED,
THINGS THERE WERE BAD-- AS THIS
2022 NEWS SEGMENT EXPLAINED.
>> UNTREATED SEWAGE CAN LEAD TO
BACTERIAL INFECTIONS AND
INTESTINAL PARASITES.
THE ONLY SOLUTION IS A NEW
SYSTEM.
BUT THE HARD CLAY SOIL HERE
REQUIRES SPECIALLY DESIGNED
SEPTIC SYSTEMS THAT CAN COST AS
MUCH AS THE MEDIAN HOUSEHOLD
INCOME IN LOWNDES COUNTY.
>> EVERY TIME IT RAINS,
PEOPLE-- THEY KNOW WHAT MIGHT
HAPPEN.
THEY KNOW THAT SEWAGE MAY SHOOT
OUT AND COME BACK IN THEIR
HOUSE.
>> John: RIGHT, AND THAT'S
OBVIOUSLY HORRIBLE.
BECAUSE LET'S AGREE: UNDER
CERTAIN CIRCUMSTANCES, IT CAN BE
FUN WHEN WATER GOES UP.
THINK OF FOUNTAINS.
OLD FAITHFUL.
A WHALE SPOUTING.
MAGNIFICENT.
BUT NOW, IMAGINE IF THAT SPRAY
WAS COMING OUT OF A DIFFERENT
YOU'D BE PRETTY PISSED OFF.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND WHAT MADE THAT SITUATION
EVEN WORSE WAS THE FACT
HOMEOWNERS THERE COULD FACE
CRIMINAL CHARGES, FINES, OR JAIL
TIME FOR FAILING TO INSTALL A
SEPTIC SYSTEM, EVEN IF THEY
COULDN'T AFFORD TO.
THANKFULLY, IN 2023, THE CIVIL
RIGHTS DIVISION REACHED AN
AGREEMENT THAT NOT ONLY STOPPED
THE STATE FROM LEVELING FINES
AND OTHER PENALTIES AGAINST
RESIDENTS THERE, IT ENSURED THE
STATE WOULD BE AN ACTIVE
PARTICIPANT IN THE SOLUTION, BY
HELPING TO FIND WAYS TO PAY FOR
NEW SEPTIC SYSTEMS.
WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY GOOD!
A LONG-STANDING PROBLEM GOT SOME
TRACTION TOWARD A SOLUTION WHEN
THE DOJ STEPPED IN.
BUT AS SOON AS HARMEET DHILLON
TOOK OVER, SHE TERMINATED THAT
AGREEMENT, STATING, THE DOJ WILL
NO LONGER PUSH 'ENVIRONMENTAL
JUSTICE' AS VIEWED THROUGH A
DISTORTING, DEI LENS."
AND JUST LISTEN TO LOCAL
ACTIVISTS-- WHO'D WORKED
INCREDIBLY HARD TO BRING SEPTIC
SYSTEMS TO THEIR AREA--
REACTING TO THAT ARGUMENT.
>> WHEN WE STARTED DOING THIS
WORK, PEOPLE WEREN'T EVEN SAYING
ANYTHING ABOUT DEI.
WE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT DEI WAS.
>> IS FIXING WASTEWATER IN THIS
PART OF ALABAMA DEI?
>> ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I MEAN, I DON'T CARE WHO APPLIES
FOR THE PROGRAM
>> John: RIGHT.
AND HONESTLY, EVEN HAVING TO
ANSWER, "ARE SEPTIC TANKS DEI?"
IS PRETTY INSULTING.
IT'S ONE OF THOSE QUESTIONS THAT
SHOULD REALLY BE LAUGHABLE ON
ITS FACE, BUT WILL NOW ALMOST
INEVITABLY ONE DAY BE THE LEAD
CHYRON ON FOX NEWS, ALONGSIDE
OTHER QUESTIONS LIKE, "HAVE
MUSEUMS GOTTEN TOO GAY?"
OR "ARE BUTTERFLIES TRANS?"
OR "CAN WOMEN JUST STOP?"
AND LOOK, I'M NOT SAYING THE DOJ
DOESN'T HAVE ITS FLAWS-- WE'VE
TALKED MULTIPLE TIMES ABOUT THE
PROBLEMS WITH PROSECUTORS, AND
THE LAWS THEY'RE CALLED UPON TO
ENFORCE.
BUT IT CAN, AND SHOULD, ALSO BE
A FORCE FOR RIGHTING WRONGS.
UNFORTUNATELY, IN TRUMP'S SECOND
TERM, IT'S BECOME AN AGENCY
WHERE A LOT OF NEWLY-HIRED
DIPSHITS ARE RUNNING AROUND
PURSUING HIS VENDETTAS, WHILE
ACTIVELY UNDERMINING ANYTHING
THAT COULD ACTUALLY HELP PEOPLE.
AND THE INSTITUTIONAL DAMAGE
HERE HAS ALREADY BEEN
CONSIDERABLE.
JUDGES HAVE APPARENTLY BEGUN
QUESTIONING THE SO-CALLED THE
PRESUMPTION OF REGULARITY.
THE POTENTIAL LONG-TERM DAMAGE
HERE IS HONESTLY DIFFICULT TO
SUM UP, BUT THIS FORMER DOJ
LAWYER COMES PRETTY CLOSE.
>> THE THING IS, AS PROSECUTORS,
WE HAVE AN ETHICAL OBLIGATION
THAT'S HIGHER THAN ANY OTHER
ATTORNEY.
BECAUSE WHAT A PROSECUTOR CAN DO
IS, WE CAN TAKE AWAY SOMEBODY'S
LIBERTY.
AND WHAT THEY'RE DOING IS,
THEY'RE DRIVING OUT PEOPLE THAT
ARE WILLING TO FOLLOW THE LAW.
AND THAT'S TERRIFYING, BECAUSE
OUR DEMOCRACY FALLS APART IF
THERE'S NOT SOME SORT OF LAW AND
ORDER THAT GOES ALONG WITH IT.
>> John: RIGHT.
WE NEED PROSECUTORS AT THE DOJ
WHO ACTUALLY VALUE UPHOLDING THE
LAW, AND IT FEELS INSANE TO EVEN
SAY THAT OUT LOUD.
IT'S ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT
SHOULD BE A GIVEN LIKE "WE NEED
TEACHERS WHO KNOW HOW TO READ,"
OR "WE NEED BARBERS WHO USE
SCISSORS, INSTEAD OF THEIR
TEETH."
WE'RE IN A DANGEROUS PLACE IF
THIS IS EVEN A FUCKING
DISCUSSION.
AND LOOK, THE HARD TRUTH IS THAT
A LOT OF THE DAMAGE I'VE
DISCUSSED TONIGHT PROBABLY WON'T
BE POSSIBLE TO UNDO UNTIL TRUMP
LEAVES OFFICE.
AND AT THAT POINT, THERE'LL
CLEARLY BE A TON OF WORK TO BE
DONE-- STARTING WITH RE-HIRING
THE COMPETENT LAWYERS WHO'VE
LEFT OR BEEN PUSHED OUT.
BUT IN THE MEANTIME, IT'S WORTH
REMEMBERING THAT-- AS BLEAK AS
THIS STORY IS, AND I KNOW IT IS
BLEAK-- SO FAR, THANKFULLY, A
LOT OF THE SYSTEM'S GUARDRAILS
HAVE ACTUALLY HELD UP.
WHEN JEANINE PIRRO "FOLDED LIKE
AN UMBRELLA" OVER THAT
REFLECTING POOL CASE, I'M
GUESSING IT WASN'T OUT OF ANY
SENSE OF PERSONAL SHAME.
YOU'VE SEEN HOW SHE DRESSES.
MORE LIKELY IT WAS, AS SOME
FORMER PROSECUTORS HAVE ARGUED,
FEAR OF GETTING SANCTIONED-- AS
ONE HAS SAID, "THE D.C.
FEDERAL BENCH HAS NOT BEEN
RETICENT IN HOLDING PROSECUTORS
ACCOUNTABLE."
WHICH IS GOOD!
ALSO, YOU'VE SEEN JUDGES THROW
OUT SOME OF THE MOST EGREGIOUS
CASES, AND GRAND JURIES DECLINE
TO BRING CHARGES.
AND IT'S GOING TO BE IMPORTANT
FOR THAT TO KEEP HAPPENING--
EVEN AS TRUMP CONTINUES TO STOCK
THE FEDERAL BENCH WITH UTTER
MANIACS.
IN FACT, THERE'S A REAL ARGUMENT
NOW, EVEN MORE SO THAN USUAL,
THAT IF YOU GET CALLED TO SERVE
ON A JURY OR GRAND JURY, THAT
YOU DO IT.
AND I KNOW THAT THAT CAN BE A
TOUGH SELL.
NOT EVERYONE'S THRILLED WITH THE
IDEA OF JURY SERVICE.
BUT I WILL REMIND YOU, THERE ARE
REAL UPSIDES.
THEY GIVE YOU A SMALL STIPEND,
YOU GET A SENSE OF CIVIC PRIDE,
AND FINALLY, IF YOU'RE LUCKY,
YOU MIGHT END UP ON THE NEWS FOR
TELLING A LAZY GOVERNMENT
PROSECUTOR THAT THEIR CASE IS A
COMPLETE CROCK OF SHIT.
AND NOW THIS.
>> Announcer: AND NOW,
PEOPLE ON TV HANDLE NATIONAL
GRAB SOME NUTS DAY EXACTLY HOW
YOU EXPECT.
>> IT IS NATIONAL GRAB SOME NUTS
DAY AND I WOULD REACH FOR SOME.
>> SORRY.
I LOOKED AT CRYSTAL.
I LOST IT.
>> CHRISTMAS AND YOUR BIRTHDAY
ALL AT ONCE.
IT'S THE BEST DAY OF THE YEAR,
IT IS NATIONAL GRAB SOME NUTS.
>> IT IS NATIONAL GRAB SOME NUTS
SO ENJOY YOUR MIXED ONES TODAY.
>> OKAY.
>> SO IT'S NATIONAL GRAB SOME
NUTS DAY.
>> EXACTLY.
>> CAN WE READ AT A FOURTH GRADE
LEVEL TODAY?
>> IT IS GRAB SOME NUTS DAY.
A HANDFUL OF.
>> PEANUTS.
SNACKS.
>> THERE YOU GO.
IT'S A BIG DAY.
>> SNACKS.
♪ ♪
>> John: MOVING ON.
FINALLY TONIGHT, A QUICK UPDATE
ABOUT BUC-EES.
YOU MAY REMEMBER, A COUPLE OF
WEEKS AGO, WE TALKED ABOUT THEIR
HABIT OF SUING BUSINESSES FOR
TRADEMARK INFRINGEMENT, GOING
AFTER EVERYONE FROM A CARTOON
MOOSE TO A KOALA BEAR TO AN
ALLIGATOR THAT LOOKS NOTHING
LIKE A BEAVER, BUT A LOT LIKE IT
WAS IN D.C. ON JANUARY 6TH.
IN RESPONSE, WE SET UP OUR OWN
STORE SELLING BRANDED "BUC-OFF"
MERCHANDISE.
NOW, THE GOOD NEWS IS WE'VE
RAISED ALMOST HALF A MILLION
DOLLARS FOR HUNGER FREE AMERICA
SO FAR.
THE BAD NEWS IS, IT DOESN'T SEEM
BUC-EES GOT THE MESSAGE, BECAUSE
APPARENTLY, THEY'RE AT IT AGAIN.
>> BUC-EE'S IS IN THE SPOTLIGHT
AGAIN, SUING LOCAL SHOP BEAVER
MINI MART, CLAIMING THE
BEAVERCREEK BUSINESS USED A NAME
AND LOGO TOO SIMILAR TO THE
COMPANY'S WELL-KNOWN BEAVER
BRANDING.
ACCORDING TO COMPLAINTS, THE
MART'S DRAWINGS SHARE
SIMILARITIES TO THE BUC-EE'S
MASCOT, INCLUDING WIDE EYES, A
SMILE, AND RED AS THE
PREDOMINANT COLOR.
>> John: YEP, TURNS OUT, THEY'RE
STILL FILING LAWSUITS!
YOU MIGHT BE TRYING TO NAME THE
BUC-EE'S BEAVER MITCH MCCONNELL,
BECAUSE IT SEEMS THIS BITCH WILL
NOT QUIT.
ALSO, THOSE CARTOON BEAVERS
CLEARLY LOOK NOTHING LIKE EACH
OTHER.
TO PICK ONE OBVIOUS DIFFERENCE:
THE BUC-EE'S LOGO WEARS A HAT
WHILE THE MINIMART BEAVER'S
STILL IN AN EDEN-LIKE STATE OF
INNOCENCE WHERE HE KNOWS NOT
THAT HE IS NAKED NOR TO COVER
HIS OWN NAKEDNESS.
I'M SORRY, BUT I CAN SPOT WHEN A
BEAVER IS BORN WITH ORIGINAL
SIN, AND BINGO, BUDDY.
IT YOU!
THE DETAILS OF THIS LATEST CASE
ARE JUST INCREDIBLE.
BECAUSE IT TURNS OUT, THE MINI
MART HAS BEEN GOING BY THAT NAME
SINCE AT LEAST 2019, WHILE
BUC-EES HAS ONLY BEEN IN THE
STATE OF OHIO SINCE APRIL.
ALSO, ITS NEW LOCATION THERE IS
74,000 SQUARE FEET AND FEATURES
BRISKET, JERKY, BEAVER NUGGETS,
AND MORE THAN 100 GAS PUMPS,
WHEREAS BEAVER MINI MART IS A
LOCAL CORNER STORE THAT SELLS
LOTTERY TICKETS, HAS "NO GAS
PUMPS" AND IS "MILES FROM THE
NEAREST INTERSTATE."
IN FACT, HERE'S WHAT THEY LOOK
LIKE SIDE-BY-SIDE.
THAT MINI MART LOOKS LIKE
SOMETHING THEY'D SELL INSIDE OF
A BUC-EE'S.
AND YET, BUC-EE'S ALLEGES THAT
ITS NAME AND BEAVER LOGO ARE
"LIKELY TO CAUSE CONFUSION AMONG
CONSUMERS."
BUT HOW?
THERE'S NO WAY ANYONE'S
CONFUSING THEIR LOCAL
CONVENIENCE STORE WITH A
GASOLINE VALHALLA 20 MINUTES
AWAY BY CAR.
AND ON TOP OF ALL THAT,
REMEMBER: THE MINIMART'S
LITERALLY IN A PLACE CALLED
BEAVERCREEK.
SO IT'S FRANKLY NO WONDER
RESIDENTS THERE ARE PISSED.
>> WE'RE THE CITY OF
BEAVERCREEK.
THERE'S BEAVERS EVERYWHERE.
>> I THINK THE LAWSUIT IS SO
DUMB.
>> THERE WAS A CONSTANT STREAM
OF CUSTOMERS AT BEAVER'S MINI
MART TODAY, MANY WITH A SIMILAR
PURPOSE.
>> IT MADE ME WANT TO COME
SUPPORT THEM AND JUST HELP OUT A
LOCAL BUSINESS THAT IS BEING
WHAT REALLY FEELS LIKE BULLIED
BY A BIG CORPORATION.
READING INTO IT MORE THAT
BUC-EE'S HAS GONE AFTER OTHER
COMPANIES OVER THIS, IT JUST PUT
A BAD TASTE IN MY MOUTH BECAUSE
THEY JUST SEEM LIKE SUCH A FUN
COMPANY, AND TO SEE THIS, THAT
THEY'RE COMING AFTER A SMALL
BUSINESS LIKE THIS, IT JUST--
IT UPSET ME LIKE IT DID A LOT OF
BEAVERCREEK RESIDENTS.
>> John: YEAH.
I BET IT DID.
BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH THAT MAN
SEEMS EVEN-KEELED, THAT'S AS
UPSET AS SOMEONE FROM THE
MIDWEST GETS.
HE'S POLITELY EXPRESSING
DISAPPOINTMENT, GENTLY SHAKING
HIS HEAD, AND WEARING THE OHIO
VERSION OF WAR PAINT, WHICH IS A
TUCKED-IN CLEVELAND BROWNS
LANYARD.
THAT'S THE NEW YORK EQUIVALENT
OF SETTING A POLICE CAR ON FIRE.
BUC-EE'S LAWSUIT IS
CHARACTERISTICALLY AGGRESSIVE.
AMONG ITS DEMANDS ARE THAT THE
MINI-MART "DESTROY ALL SIGNAGE
AND ANY OTHER MATERIALS" WITH
ITS NAME OR LOGO, AND "FILE A
REPORT IN WRITING SETTING FORTH
IN DETAIL THE MANNER AND FORM IN
WHICH" IT DID SO.
WHICH FEELS WILDLY OVER-THE-TOP.
"DESCRIBE IN WRITING HOW YOU
DESTROYED YOUR MASCOT" IS ONE
STEP AWAY FROM SAYING "SEND US
THE SEVERED HEAD OF YOUR BEAVER
OR ELSE."
AND AS MANY BEAVERCREEK
RESIDENTS HAVE POINTED OUT, IF
THE MINI-MART CAN'T USE A BEAVER
IN ITS LOGO, THIS COULD BE A
SLIPPERY SLOPE.
BECAUSE THEY'VE UNDERSTANDABLY
GOT A BUNCH OF BEAVER-THEMED
STUFF THERE, FROM BEAVERCREEK
PIZZA DIVE, TO THE BOWLING ALLEY
BEAVER-VU-BOWL.
THE TOWN'S ANNUAL POPCORN
FESTIVAL HAS A BEAVER MASCOT, AS
DOES BEAVERCREEK HIGH SCHOOL,
WHOSE MASCOT IS LITERALLY NAMED
"BUCKY THE BEAVER."
AND HE'S BEEN AROUND FOR
DECADES BY THE WAY, AS YOU CAN
SEE FROM THIS ALMOST CERTAINLY
HAUNTED PHOTO.
PLEASE SAY YOU CAN SEE HIM TOO.
I REALLY DON'T WANT TO BE THE
ONLY ONE WHO CAN SEE HIM.
BECAUSE HE LOOKS LIKE THE ONLY
PHOTO THEY SHOW IN A TRUE CRIME
DOCUMENTARY OF THE SERIAL
KILLER.
THEY EVEN HAVE FIBERGLASS
BEAVERS ALL OVER TOWN, WITH
VARIOUS THEMES, INCLUDING A
DOCTOR BEAVER, AN AIR FORCE
BEAVER, A DISCO BEAVER, AND--
APPROPRIATELY FOR THIS STORY--
A "LADY JUSTICE BEAVER."
SHE AND THE DISCO BEAVER ARE
HOOKING UP, BUT YOU DIDN'T HEAR
THAT FROM ME.
NOW, THANKFULLY, OTHER LOCAL
BUSINESSES HAVE BEEN SHOWING
SUPPORT.
RABBIT HOLE BOOKS POSTED A NEW
VERSION OF THEIR LOGO WITH A
BEAVER IN IT, WITH A CAPTION
READING, "COME AND GET US,
BUC-EES.
YOU DON'T OWN EVERY BEAVER."
WHICH IS UNDENIABLY TRUE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND THEY WEREN'T THE ONLY ONES
TEMPORARILY REBRANDING.
>> DOZENS OF LOCAL BUSINESSES
ALL OVER BEAVERCREEK IN THE
DAYTON REGION, SHOWING THEIR
SOLIDARITY WITH BEAVER'S MINI
MART BY ADDING SOME
BEAVER-INSPIRED DESIGNS.
BLUE BERRY CAFE IS ONE OF THE
BUSINESSES WHO POKED A LITTLE
FUN AT THE WHOLE SITUATION BY
JOKINGLY CHANGING THEIR LOGO TO
A BLUEBERRY BEAVER.
>> John: EXCELLENT.
AND WHILE I DON'T LOVE THE
OBVIOUS ANSWER TO THE QUESTION
"HOW DID ALL THOSE BUSINESSES
COME UP WITH BEAVER LOGOS SO
FAST?"
I DO LOVE THAT THEY'VE CLEARLY
GONE FULL "I AM SPARTACUS" ON A
RODENT THEMED GAS STATION CHAIN.
AND IT DIDN'T STOP THERE.
A LOCAL BAKERY SOLD SOLIDARITY
COOKIES SAYING, "SHOP LOCAL,
PROTECT YOUR BEAVER," WHICH IS A
SOLID MESSAGE NO MATTER THE
LEGAL LANDSCAPE.
AND A T-SHIRT COMPANY SOLD THESE
EXCELLENT SHIRTS TO RAISE MONEY
FOR THE MINI MART AND ITS LEGAL
FUND, WHICH HAS ALSO BEEN
HEAVILY SUPPORTED BY THIS GO
FUND ME.
THE POINT HERE IS, PEOPLE IN
BEAVER CREEK ARE NOT LETTING
THIS GO.
>> IT'S REALLY GOT BEAVERCREEK
IN AN UPROAR RIGHT NOW.
SO MANY PEOPLE ARE UPSET.
WHAT'S NEXT?
BEAVERCREEK WAS HERE BEFORE THEY
WERE.
>> HOW DARE THEY?
THEIR BEAVER DOESN'T EVEN LOOK
LIKE A BEAVER.
THEY SHOULD BE SUED BY ALVIN AND
THE CHIPMUNKS, BECAUSE THAT'S
WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.
>> John: ON, SHOTS FUCKING
FIRED!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND BY THE WAY, SHE'S RIGHT:
BUCKY DOES LOOK A LOT LIKE
ALVIN.
ALVIN WEARS A RED HAT.
HIS ACCENT COLOR IS YELLOW.
AND THEY BOTH LOOK LIKE THEY
LOST THEIR VIRGINITY TO A
JUSTIN BIEBER SONG.
ADMITTEDLY, THE FACE IN THE
BUC-EE'S LOGO IS A LITTLE
LUMPIER, BUT IF THE LEAD SINGER
OF THE CHIPMUNKS EVER GOT
"MACAULAY CULKIN IN MY GIRL"-ED,
HE'D BE A DEAD RINGER.
LITERALLY A DEAD RINGER.
YOU CAN'T BURY HIM WITHOUT HIS
GLASSES.
LOOK, BUT I GOTTA SAY: I LOVE
HOW PROTECTIVE OF THE MINI-MART
THE LOCAL COMMUNITY IS.
THIS IS A GENUINE QUESTION.
CAN A TOWN BE PRESIDENT?
BECAUSE I TRULY HAVEN'T BEEN
THIS INSPIRED BY A TOWN SINCE
ONE IN CONNECTICUT LITERALLY
NAMED A SHIT FACTORY AFTER ME.
LOOK, IT IS UNBELIEVABLE HOW
BADLY BUC-EES IS FUCKING THIS
UP.
INSTEAD OF JUST DROPPING THEIR
BULLSHIT LAWSUITS IN THE WAKE OF
OUR PIECE-- SOMETHING THAT
WOULD'VE GENERATED THEM A
TREMENDOUS AMOUNT OF GOOD WILL
-- THEY'VE TRIPLED DOWN ON GOING
AFTER YET ANOTHER SMALL
BUSINESS, AND IN THE PROCESS
HAVE MANAGED TO MOBILIZE THE
MOST PASSIONATE AND DEDICATED
SMALL COMMUNITY OF BEAVER FANS
ON PLANET EARTH.
AND LOOK, YOU CAN AND SHOULD GO
BUY SOME OF BEAVERCREEK'S MERCH.
IT'S ALL EXCELLENT.
AND FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH YOU CAN
STILL BUY OUR BUC-OFF
MERCHANDISE AT Buc-Off.com.
INTERESTINGLY, WE WERE ACTUALLY
PLANNING ON CLOSING THAT STORE
ON SEPTEMBER THE 8TH, BUT AS
LONG AS BUC-EES IS SUING THAT
MINI-MART IN BEAVERCREEK, IT'S
STAYING FUCKING OPEN.
AND IF ANYONE AT BUC-EES
CORPORATE HEADQUARTERS IS
WATCHING THIS RIGHT NOW, I'VE
GOT SOMEONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO
SAY HI TO YOU.
IT'S MR. NUTTERBUTTER!
>> HI, JOHN.
>> John: HI, MR. NUTTERBUTTER!
WHAT A FANTASTIC T-SHIRT.
HI, BUDDY, HOW'RE YOU DOING?
HAVE YOU GOT A MESSAGE FOR
BUC-EE'S RIGHT NOW?
>> I SURE DO.
YOU ALL CAN GO BUC THEMSELVES.
>> John: HOLD ON, YOU SEEM A BIT
SAD, MR. NUTTERBUTTER.
IS THAT BECAUSE BUC-EE'S HASN'T
SUED US YET?
>> MMM-HMM.
>> John: OH, I'M SORRY ABOUT
THAT.
IS THAT BECAUSE YOU WANTED THEM
TO SUE US, AND LOSE.
AND THEN WE'D GET TO FILM A BIG
MUSICAL NUMBER IN TIMES SQUARE
WHERE WE TELL THEM TO EAT SHIT,
AND THEN LATER THEY DIE?
>> YES.
>> John: YEAH, ME TOO, BUDDY.
BUT IT COULD STILL HAPPEN.
ESPECIALLY BECAUSE OUR STORE IS
STILL OPEN.
YOU CAN BUY BUC-OFF MERCHANDISE
AT Buc-Off.com.
THAT IS OUR SHOW.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WATCHING.
WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
GOOD NIGHT!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WE DID IT, BUDDY!
WE DID IT.
♪ ♪