♪ ♪
>> John: HI THERE!
WELCOME TO THE SHOW, STILL
TAKING PLACE IN THIS BLANK VOID.
THINK OF IT LIKE ANTARCTICA,
IT'S A BLINDINGLY WHITE EXPANSE
OCCASIONALLY INTERRUPTED
BY A SINGLE WELL-DRESSED BIRD.
AND IT HAS BEEN A GENUINELY
EXTRAORDINARY WEEK FOR
THE WHITE HOUSE.
A SIGN OF JUST HOW CRAZY THINGS
GOT IS THAT WE DON'T HAVE TIME
TO TALK ABOUT THE FACT THAT
TRUMP REPORTEDLY PAID INCOME TAX
RANGING FROM THE HIGH THREE
FIGURES ALL THE WAY DOWN TO
ZERO FIGURES FOR MULTIPLE YEARS,
OR THE FACT THAT HIS WIFE WAS
CAUGHT ON TAPE ESSENTIALLY
SAYING "FUCK CHRISTMAS,"
OR EVEN THIS MOMENT IN TUESDAY'S
CATASTROPHIC DEBATE.
>> THE LOW POINT OF THE DEBATE,
AND POSSIBLY OF TRUMP'S ENTIRE
CAMPAIGN, WAS WHEN THE PRESIDENT
REFUSED TO CONDEMN
WHITE SUPREMACISTS.
>> ARE YOU WILLING TONIGHT TO
CONDEMN WHITE SUPREMACISTS AND
MILITIA GROUPS?
>> SURE.
>> AND TO SAY THAT THEY NEED
TO STAND DOWN AND NOT ADD
TO THE VIOLENCE IN A NUMBER OF
THESE CITIES.
>> I'M WILLING TO DO ANYTHING,
I WANT TO SEE PEACE.
>> WELL, THEN DO IT, SIR.
>> DO IT, SAY IT.
>> YOU WANT TO CALL THEM --
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO CALL THEM?
GIVE ME A NAME.
>> WHITE SUPREMACISTS AND
RIGHT-WING MILITIAS.
>> PROUD BOYS.
>> PROUD BOYS, STAND BACK AND
STAND BY.
>> John: THAT DOES NOT GET
ANY EASIER TO WATCH.
BECAUSE THE QUESTION WAS
"DO YOU CONDEMN
WHITE SUPREMACISTS?"
TO WHICH TRUMP RESPONDED BY
ESSENTIALLY RALLYING THEM.
AND IT'S HARD TO IMAGINE ANOTHER
DEBATE QUESTION THAT EASY, OR AN
ANSWER THAT HORRIBLE, ASIDE FROM
MAYBE CHRIS WALLACE ASKING "HOW
MANY FINGERS AM I HOLDING UP?"
AND TRUMP RESPONDING, "HITLER
HAD SOME REALLY GOOD IDEAS."
BUT OBVIOUSLY, THE BIGGEST NEWS
OF THE WEEK CAME EARLY FRIDAY
MORNING, WHEN TRUMP REVEALED
THAT HE AND MELANIA HAD TESTED
POSITIVE FOR THE CORONAVIRUS.
IT WAS NEWS THAT FELT BOTH
SHOCKING AND UTTERLY INEVITABLE,
ESPECIALLY GIVEN THAT JUST THREE
DAYS EARLIER, HE'D STOOD ON
A DEBATE STAGE AND, WHEN ASKED
ABOUT WHETHER HE'D DOWNPLAYED
THE EFFICACY OF MASKS,
SAID THIS:
>> I MEAN, I HAVE A MASK RIGHT
HERE.
I PUT A MASK ON, YOU KNOW, WHEN
I THINK I NEED IT.
WHEN NEEDED, I WEAR MASKS.
>> OKAY.
LET ME ASK --
>> I DON'T -- I DON'T WEAR
A MASK LIKE HIM.
EVERY TIME YOU SEE HIM, HE'S GOT
A MASK.
HE COULD BE SPEAKING 200 FEET
AWAY FROM HIM, HE SHOWS UP
WITH THE BIGGEST MASK I'VE EVER
SEEN.
>> John: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
BIDEN WEARS A MASK IN SITUATIONS
WHERE IT'S DANGEROUS NOT TO.
I CAN ONLY IMAGINE WHAT TRUMP
WOULD BE LIKE STANDING NEXT
TO A BEEKEEPER.
"I DON'T WEAR A BEEKEEPER SUIT
LIKE HIM.
EVERY TIME YOU SEE HIM, HE'S
WEARING A BEEKEEPER SUIT.
NOT ME, BECAUSE I'M SMART AND
STRONG.
THIS WHOLE BEE THING IS A HOAX
ANYWAY."
LOOK, OBVIOUSLY, THE PRESIDENT
HAVING THE CORONAVIRUS IS
A VERY BIG DEAL.
AND WE'RE RECORDING THIS
ON SATURDAY, SO WHO KNOWS WHAT'S
HAPPENED OVER THE LAST 24 HOURS.
WHAT I DO KNOW IS THAT SO FAR,
THE WHITE HOUSE HAS HANDLED
THE SITUATION TERRIBLY.
FIRST, THE NEWS ONLY CAME OUT
AFTER REPORTERS DISCOVERED THAT
ONE OF TRUMP'S CLOSEST AIDES,
HOPE HICKS, WHO'D TRAVELED WITH
TRUMP TO THE DEBATE, HAD TESTED
POSITIVE.
PROMPTING THE OBVIOUS QUESTION
OF WHEN THE PRESIDENT LEARNED
HE'D BEEN EXPOSED, AND WHAT HE'D
DONE ABOUT IT, AND THE ANSWERS
THERE WEREN'T GREAT.
>> THE WHITE HOUSE KNEW ON
THURSDAY MORNING THAT HOPE HICKS
HAD SYMPTOMS OF CORONAVIRUS, BUT
DESPITE THAT, THE PRESIDENT WENT
AHEAD WITH PLANS TO TRAVEL
TO NEW JERSEY FOR A FUNDRAISER
ANYWAY.
>> IT WAS DEEMED SAFE FOR
THE PRESIDENT TO GO.
HE SOCIALLY DISTANCED, IT WAS AN
OUTDOOR EVENT, AND IT WAS DEEMED
SAFE BY WHITE HOUSE OPERATIONS.
>> John: OKAY, NORMALLY I'D
CRITICIZE THE WHITE HOUSE
OPERATIONS TEAM FOR EITHER
HAVING NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT IS
AND ISN'T SAFE OR JUST NOT
CARING, BUT GIVEN THAT THERE'S
A PRETTY GOOD CHANCE THAT MOST
OF THEM HAVE COVID NOW,
I GUESS I'LL JUST SAY,
"FEEL BETTER, GUYS."
AND SO MANY OF THE DECISIONS
TRUMP AND THOSE AROUND HIM MADE
THIS WEEK NOW LOOK APPALLING
IN HINDSIGHT -- FROM HIS FAMILY
REFUSING TO WEAR MASKS
AT TUESDAY'S DEBATE, TO FAILING
TO NOTIFY ANYONE ON THE BIDEN
TEAM THAT THEY MAY HAVE BEEN
EXPOSED, TO THE FACT THAT
THE FUNDRAISER HE ATTENDED
JUST BEFORE TESTING POSITIVE
WAS A FUCKING BUFFET!
BUT MAYBE THE EVENT THAT LOOKS
THE WORST TOOK PLACE LAST
WEEKEND.
>> THERE IS ALSO SOME FOCUS
ON THIS EVENT THAT WAS HELD
AT THE WHITE HOUSE LAST SATURDAY
WHEN THE PRESIDENT ANNOUNCED HIS
PICK FOR THE SUPREME COURT,
AMY CONEY BARRETT.
WE KNOW THAT UTAH SENATOR
MIKE LEE, WHO WAS AT THAT EVENT,
THE PRESIDENT OF NOTRE DAME, WHO
WAS ALSO AT THAT EVENT, HAVE
BOTH TESTED POSITIVE NOW FOR
THE CORONAVIRUS.
OBVIOUSLY, WHITE HOUSE OFFICIALS
WERE AT THAT EVENT, AND SO THERE
IS THE POTENTIAL THAT ALL OF
THIS BEGAN THERE.
>> John: YES, MUCH LIKE
THE SLEW OF UTTERLY HORRIFYING
SUPREME COURT RULINGS OVER
THE NEXT FEW DECADES, IT SEEMS
WE MAY LOOK BACK ON LAST
SATURDAY'S WHITE HOUSE EVENT AND
SAY, "ALL OF THIS BEGAN THERE."
AND THERE IS SOMETHING UTTERLY
INFURIATING ABOUT WATCHING THEM
HUGGING EACH OTHER WHEN MANY IN
THIS COUNTRY HAVEN'T SEEN THEIR
FAMILIES FOR MONTHS OR HAVE DIED
ALONE IN A HOSPITAL!
AND IT'S NOT JUST THAT THEY'RE
PUTTING THEMSELVES AT RISK --
MORE IMPORTANTLY, IT'S THAT
THEY'RE RISKING INFECTING
OTHERS.
THE THING ABOUT A HIGHLY
CONTAGIOUS VIRUS IS, YOUR
RECKLESSNESS COULD END UP
KILLING SOMEONE YOU NEVER MEET.
AND THEY'RE STILL DOING IT!
BILL BARR, WHO WAS AT THAT EVENT
AND MAY HAVE BEEN EXPOSED,
IS CHOOSING NOT TO QUARANTINE
HIMSELF.
MEANWHILE, FOUR REPUBLICANS WHO
TRAVELED WITH TRUMP THIS WEEK
NOT ONLY DIDN'T QUARANTINE,
THEY SHOWED UP TO THE HOUSE
TO VOTE IN PERSON, THEN THREE
OF THEM TOOK A DELTA FLIGHT
HOME!
THE FRUSTRATING THING IS,
REPUBLICANS SEEM TO BE HANDLING
THIS OUTBREAK THE WAY THEY'VE
HANDLED THE WHOLE PANDEMIC, WITH
A MIXTURE OF DENIALISM, HUBRIS,
AND TREATING IT MORE AS
A P.R CRISIS THAN ONE OF
PUBLIC HEALTH, WHICH HAS HAD
HUGE KNOCK-ON EFFECTS.
AND THERE MIGHT BE NO BETTER
EXAMPLE OF THIS THAN THIS TRUMP
SUPPORTER -- OUTSIDE THE
HOSPITAL TRUMP WAS RUSHED TO ON
FRIDAY -- EXPLAINING WHY HE
WASN'T WEARING A MASK.
>> WELL, I'M YOUNG, AND I'M NOT
AT RISK FOR COVID, SO WITH THE
SURVIVAL RATES THAT WE'VE SEEN,
IT'S FRANKLY HYSTERIA WHAT WE'RE
SEEING WITH COVID, SO.
>> ARE YOU EVER CONCERNED YOU
COULD POSSIBLY BE ASYMPTOMATIC
AND PASS IT TO SOMEONE ELSE?
>> YES, I DO HAVE THOSE
CONCERNS, BUT I DON'T BUY INTO
THE FEARMONGERING.
>> John: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
YOU'RE ONLY THERE BECAUSE THE
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
IS IN THE BUILDING BEHIND YOU
WITH A PRETTY BAD CASE OF
FEARMONGERING.
AND AS MUCH AS YOU WANT TO SHOUT
AT THAT GUY, YOU HAVE TO
REMEMBER THAT THIS
ADMINISTRATION HAS BEEN
DOWNPLAYING THE VIRUS SO MUCH
AND FOR SO LONG, THAT FOR
TRUMP'S DIE-HARD SUPPORTERS, ANY
SORT OF CONCERN ISN'T SEEN AS
A SENSIBLE PRECAUTION, IT'S SEEN
AS FEARMONGERING.
BUT FEAR IS NOT A BAD THING.
IT'S WHAT STOPS YOU FROM
CHOPPING YOUR HAND OFF WITH
A MEAT CLEAVER, OR PETTING
AN ANGRY DOG, OR CROSSING
A BUSY STREET WITHOUT LOOKING.
AND THIS WEEK, MORE THAN EVER,
PROVES THAT IN THE MIDST OF
A PANDEMIC, WHEN YOU ACT WITHOUT
CAUTION, YOU CANNOT EXPECT
THE VIRUS TO SIMPLY "STAND BACK
AND STAND BY."
AND NOW THIS.
♪ ♪
>> Announcer: AND NOW...
NEWSCASTERS TRYING TO HAVE FUN
WITH WHAT MONTH IT IS.
>> IT IS THURSDAY, OCTOBER 1ST.
BIG DAY.
>> HAPPY OCTOBER.
>> I KNOW, RIGHT?
>> WE MADE IT TO SPOOKY SEASON.
>> WELCOME BACK, EVERYONE.
SPOOKY SEASON IS HERE.
>> WELL, GUYS, NOW THAT IS
OFFICIALLY OCTOBER, WE HAVE
SPOOKY SEASON RIGHT AROUND
THE CORNER.
>> I WATCHED "HOCUS-POCUS"
LAST NIGHT.
I AM ALL IN.
>> IT'S OFFICIALLY SPOOKY
SEASON, SO WHY NOT GO TO HELL?
HELL, MICHIGAN.
>> IT'S OCTOBER, MARKS THE
BEGINNING OF SPOOKY SEASON.
>> WE ARE ENTERING SPOOKY
SEASON.
>> FOR MANY, THE BEGINNING
OF OCTOBER IS ALSO THE SIGN OF
SPOOKY SEASON.
>> ALTHOUGH, THE PANDEMIC IS
CHANGING THE WAY WE DO HALLOWEEN
AND VIRTUALLY EVERYTHING.
♪ ♪
>> John: MOVING ON.
OUR MAIN STORY TONIGHT CONCERNS
THE 2020 ELECTION -- AMONG OTHER
THINGS, THE INSPIRATION FOR THE
SINGLE BEST VOTING PSA THE WORLD
HAS EVER SEEN.
>> DO YOU KNOW WHO ELECTS
THE D.A.?
WE DO.
BUT YOU DON'T WANT TO VOTE.
CAN'T MAKE IT RAIN IF YOU'RE
LOCKED UP ON SOME BULLSHIT.
>> WANT TO END CASH BAIL?
>> WELL, THEN, VOTE FOR THE
SHERIFFS AND COUNTY OFFICIALS
THAT FEEL THE SAME WAY YOU DO.
>> BUT YOU TALKIN' ABOUT, "OH,
THEY GONNA PICK WHO THEY GONNA
PICK, SHORTY."
>> FERGUSON JUST ELECTED THEIR
FIRST BLACK MAYOR.
>> YOU KNOW HOW THAT HAPPENED?
FOR INFORMATION ON HOW AND WHERE
TO VOTE, AS WELL AS RESOURCES TO
FIND OUT WHO'S RUNNING WHERE YOU
LIVE, GO TO
GetYourBootyToThePoll.com
♪ GET YOUR BOOTY TO THE POLLS ♪
>> John: EXCELLENT.
THEY HIT PROSECUTORS, CASH BAIL,
SHERIFFS, AND THE IMPORTANCE OF
DOWN BALLOT RACES -- ALL
SUBJECTS WE'VE TALKED ABOUT
BEFORE -- BUT DID IT IN
LESS TIME AND MORE
ENTERTAININGLY, WHILE ALSO
PROVIDING A MUCH BETTER
"GET OUT THE VOTE" MESSAGE
THAN ANYONE CURRENTLY WORKING
FOR JOE BIDEN.
I HAVE NO NOTES.
AND EVEN THOUGH TRUMP IS
CURRENTLY IN THE HOSPITAL WITH
CORONAVIRUS, AND EVERYTHING'S UP
IN THE AIR RIGHT NOW -- WE'RE
TAPING THIS ON SATURDAY, SO WHO
KNOWS WHAT THINGS ARE LIKE
WHENEVER YOU'RE WATCHING THIS --
WE DO NEED TO TALK ABOUT
THIS ELECTION, BECAUSE IT'S
HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.
MORE THAN THREE MILLION VOTES
HAVE ALREADY BEEN CAST.
AND YET, TRUMP AND HIS
SUPPORTERS HAVE ENGAGED
IN A DELIBERATE CAMPAIGN
TO UNDERMINE THE PROCESS.
FOR MONTHS NOW, TRUMP HAS
BEEN QUESTIONING WHETHER HE WILL
EVEN LEAVE.
>> IN GENERAL, NOT TALKING ABOUT
NOVEMBER, ARE YOU A GOOD LOSER?
>> I'M NOT A GOOD LOSER.
I DON'T LIKE TO LOSE.
I DON'T LOSE TOO OFTEN.
I DON'T LIKE TO LOSE.
>> BUT ARE YOU GRACIOUS?
>> YOU DON'T KNOW UNTIL YOU SEE.
IT DEPENDS.
I THINK MAIL-IN VOTING IS -- IS
GOING TO RIG THE ELECTION.
I REALLY DO.
>> ARE YOU SUGGESTING THAT YOU
MIGHT NOT ACCEPT THE RESULTS OF
THE ELECTION?
>> YOU KNOW, I HAVE TO SEE.
>> John: YEAH, HE HAS TO SEE.
AND BY THAT, OF COURSE, HE MEANS
HE HAS TO SEE IF HE WINS.
BECAUSE IF HE DOESN'T, HE'LL
REFUSE TO ACCEPT THE RESULTS.
DEEP DOWN, YOU KNOW THERE IS
NO SCENARIO IN WHICH TRUMP
LOSES, BUT DECIDES THE PROCESS
WAS LEGIT, AND THEN SHOWS UP
TO BIDEN'S HOUSE WITH
A CONGRATULATORY ICE CREAM CAKE.
THAT IS JUST NOT GOING
TO HAPPEN.
AND LOOK, GIVEN THE FREQUENCY
WITH WHICH ONE PARTY TRIED TO
DESTABILIZE THIS ELECTION, WE
THOUGHT TONIGHT, IT MIGHT BE A
GOOD IDEA TO TAKE A LOOK AT THE
WAYS THEY'VE TRIED TO DO THAT,
AND EVEN MORE IMPORTANTLY,
HOW WE CAN HELP PREVENT THAT
FROM HAPPENING.
AND FIRST, LET'S ACKNOWLEDGE
THERE IS NOTHING NEW IN
REPUBLICANS ATTEMPTING
TO DEPRESS TURNOUT.
THEY'VE DONE IT FOR YEARS,
SOMETIMES WITH A VENEER OF
"FIGHTING VOTER FRAUD," AND
TACTICS LIKE STRICT VOTER I.D.
LAWS AND PURGING VOTER ROLLS.
BUT SOMETIMES, THEY'VE JUST SAID
IT OUT LOUD.
>> I DON'T WANT EVERYBODY
TO VOTE.
ELECTIONS ARE NOT WON BY
A MAJORITY OF PEOPLE, THEY NEVER
HAVE BEEN FROM THE BEGINNING OF
OUR COUNTRY, AND THEY ARE NOT
NOW.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, OUR
LEVERAGE IN THE ELECTIONS,
QUITE CANDIDLY, GOES UP AS
THE VOTING POPULACE GOES DOWN.
>> John: NOW THAT MAN IS
PAUL WEYRICH -- A FOUNDING
FATHER OF MODERN CONSERVATISM,
AND THE COFOUNDER OF
RIGHT-WING GROUPS LIKE
THE HERITAGE FOUNDATION AND
THE MORAL MAJORITY.
ALTHOUGH, I'M NOT SURE YOU CAN
REALLY KEEP CALLING IT A
"MORAL MAJORITY," WHEN
THE PHILOSOPHY OF ONE OF YOUR
FOUNDERS IS "IMMORALLY SUPPRESS
THE MAJORITY OF VOTERS."
BUT THE FACT IS THAT THIS YEAR,
THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN IS
TURBOCHARGING EFFORTS TO MESS
WITH THE VOTE.
FOR A START, THE PRESIDENT HAS
REPEATEDLY INSTRUCTED HIS
SUPPORTERS TO GO TO POLLING
PLACES AND MONITOR FOR INCIDENTS
OF FRAUD.
>> WATCH THOSE BALLOTS.
I DON'T LIKE IT.
YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE A DEMOCRAT
GOVERNOR, YOU HAVE ALL THESE
DEMOCRATS WATCHING THAT STUFF.
BE POLL WATCHERS WHEN YOU GO
THERE.
WATCH ALL THE THIEVING AND
STEALING AND ROBBING THEY DO.
>> John: YEAH, THAT'S NOT GOOD.
BECAUSE HE'S NOT DESCRIBING
OFFICIAL POLL WATCHERS THERE,
PEOPLE WHOSE ROLE IS TO MONITOR
ELECTIONS SO EVERYONE IS TREATED
FAIRLY.
HE'S ESSENTIALLY GIVING
HIS SUPPORTERS THE GREEN LIGHT
TO WALK INTO POLLING PLACES AND
START PLAYING FUCKING BALLOT
BATMAN.
AND IT'S NOT LIKE WE HAVEN'T
HAD PROBLEMS WITH AGGRESSIVE
POLL-WATCHING IN THE PAST.
IN 1981, THE YEAR AFTER WEYRICH
SPOKE, THE RNC FORMED A FAKE
NATIONAL BALLOT SECURITY TASK
FORCE AND HIRED ARMED OFF-DUTY
POLICEMEN TO PATROL LARGELY
BLACK AND HISPANIC PRECINCTS
IN NEW JERSEY, WHERE THEY
PROMINENTLY DISPLAYED REVOLVERS
AND ARMBANDS WITH
THE TASK FORCE'S NAME.
AND JUST, AS A GENERAL RULE,
REVOLVERS AND ARMBANDS AT
A POLLING SITE IS NEVER
A GREAT LOOK, CONSIDERING THAT
THE LITERAL DEFINITION OF AN
ACTUAL NAZI IS SOMEONE WITH GUNS
AND ARMBANDS WHO THREATENS
THE SAFETY OF THE POLLS.
THAT INCIDENT CAUSED SUCH
AN OUTCRY, THE DEMOCRATS SUED,
AND THE RNC ENTERED INTO A
CONSENT DECREE PLEDGING TO
STOP SUCH BEHAVIOR IN THE
FUTURE, WHICH IS GREAT.
UNFORTUNATELY, A JUDGE LIFTED
THAT CONSENT DECREE IN 2018.
BECAUSE IF THERE'S ONE THING
REPUBLICANS HAVE DONE OVER
THE LAST FEW YEARS,
IT'S REGAIN A NATION'S TRUST.
AND THE THING IS, EVEN IF TRUMP
SUPPORTERS DON'T SHOW UP TO
HARASS VOTERS, THERE ARE PLENTY
OF OTHER REASONS IN-PERSON
VOTING COULD BE TRICKY THIS
YEAR.
THANKS TO THE PANDEMIC, MANY
POLL WORKERS ARE CHOOSING TO
STAY AT HOME, AND MANY POLLING
SITES MAY BE CLOSED.
WHICH COULD CAUSE REAL PROBLEMS,
ESPECIALLY FOR LATINO AND BLACK
VOTERS, WHO ALREADY FACE
SUBSTANTIALLY LONGER WAIT TIMES
THAN WHITE VOTERS.
WE'VE ALREADY SEEN THE IMPACT
OF FEWER POLLING PLACES IN THIS
YEAR'S PRIMARIES, BECAUSE WATCH
THIS GEORGIA VOTER SHOW YOU HOW
LONG HIS LINE WAS.
>> SEVEN HOURS, 45 MINUTES, AND
13 SECONDS, IT TOOK FOR ME TO
VOTE IN FULTON COUNTY, GEORGIA.
AS SOON AS I SAW THE LINE,
I HIT THE STOPWATCH ON MY PHONE.
I SPENT THE FIRST COUPLE HOURS
LISTENING TO THE NEW
RUN THE JEWELS ALBUM.
AND THEN I ENDED UP LISTENING
TO THE ENTIRE DISCOGRAPHY.
AND THEN I STARTED WATCHING
SEASON 8 OF
"CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM."
THAT'S FIVE HOURS.
IT WAS 1:00 IN THE MORNING AND
SOMEBODY WAS LIKE, "HEY, Y'ALL
REMEMBER WE CAME TO VOTE
YESTERDAY, RIGHT?"
>> John: HOLY SHIT.
CAN YOU IMAGINE WATCHING
FIVE HOURS OF STREAMING VIDEO
ON YOUR PHONE WHILE STANDING
IN LINE TO VOTE?
YOU CAN'T?
WHAT IF EACH VIDEO WAS LESS THAN
TEN MINUTES AT A TIME, WITH
COMMERCIALS?
STILL NO?
HOW ABOUT IF YOU COULD WATCH
THE SHOW VERTICALLY OR
HORIZONTALLY?
NO AGAIN?
OKAY, SORRY, QUIBI, I GUESS IT'S
OFFICIAL: YOU'RE A BAD IDEA.
>> BAD IDEA!
>> John: I HATE TO BREAK THIS TO
YOU $2 BILLION IN.
YOU KNOW WHAT -- WHO KNOWS?
MAYBE ONE OF YOUR SHOWS WILL
BE A HIT, LIKE THE ONE ABOUT
FLIPPING HOUSES WHERE GRISLY
MURDERS TOOK PLACE.
REALLY?
AW, COME ON.
STRANGER THINGS HAVE HAPPENED.
AFTER ALL, HBO MAX STILL EXISTS,
AND THEY CHARGE $14.9 --
ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
YOU ARE COMPLETELY RIGHT.
I CAN'T ARGUE WITH THAT.
AND WHEN YOU TAKE ALL THIS
TOGETHER -- THE LONG LINES,
THE POSSIBILITY OF HARASSMENT,
AND THE LOOMING THREAT OF
THE PANDEMIC -- IT'S NO WONDER
THAT AROUND 40% OF AMERICANS SAY
THEY'LL BE VOTING BY MAIL THIS
YEAR.
BUT THAT HAS ACTUALLY OPENED UP
A WHOLE NEW FRONT IN
REPUBLICANS' WAR ON
DEMOCRATIC VOTES.
AND TO UNDERSTAND WHY, IT HELPS
TO UNDERSTAND ONE KEY STATISTIC:
THE MAJORITY OF TRUMP SUPPORTERS
SAY THEY'LL VOTE IN PERSON ON
ELECTION DAY, WHILE THE MAJORITY
OF BIDEN SUPPORTERS SAY THEY'LL
VOTE BY MAIL.
SO IT'S CLEARLY VERY MUCH IN
TRUMP'S INTEREST TO TRY AND
DISCREDIT VOTING BY MAIL,
CLAIMING IT'S RIFE WITH FRAUD,
DESPITE THE FACT -- AS STUDIES
AND COURT CASES HAVE REPEATEDLY
SHOWN -- IT ISN'T.
AND IT'S NOT JUST TRUMP CLAIMING
THEY'RE ILLEGITIMATE, EVEN
BILL BARR, HIS ATTORNEY GENERAL,
HAS JOINED IN, SAYING SHIT LIKE
THIS.
>> WHEN -- WHEN GOVERNMENT
GOVERNMENTS START ADOPTING THESE
PRACTICES LIKE MAIL-IN BALLOTS
THAT OPEN THE FLOODGATES OF
POTENTIAL FRAUD, THEN PEOPLE'S
CONFIDENCE IN THE OUTCOME OF THE
ELECTION IS GONNA BE UNDERMINED.
AND THAT COULD TAKE THE COUNTRY
TO A VERY DARK PLACE IF WE LOSE
CONFIDENCE IN THE OUTCOMES OF
OUR ELECTIONS.
>> John: YEAH, BUT YOU'RE
THE ONE UNDERMINING
OUR CONFIDENCE!
YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT THERE!
AND AS FOR THE NOTION THAT
"THIS COULD TAKE THE COUNTRY
TO A DARK PLACE?"
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE NOTICED,
BUT EVERYTHING WITHIN DRIVING
DISTANCE OF DISNEYLAND IS
COVERED IN SMOKE, THERE'S
A GLOBAL PANDEMIC THAT JUST
INFECTED THE PRESIDENT, AND
YOU'RE ON TELEVISION IN STUPID
WOODY ALLEN GLASSES CALLING
THE LEGITIMACY OF OUR DEMOCRACY
INTO QUESTION.
WE'RE IN THAT VERY DARK PLACE
ALREADY, BILLIAM.
TRUMP HIMSELF HAS GONE OUT OF
HIS WAY TO CLAIM THAT ALL MANNER
OF BALLOT FRAUD IS ALREADY
TAKING PLACE.
HE EVEN RATTLED OFF EXAMPLES
DURING TUESDAY'S DEBATE.
>> THEY'RE SENDING MILLIONS OF
BALLOTS ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.
THERE'S FRAUD.
THEY FOUND THEM IN CREEKS.
THEY FOUND SOME, JUST HAPPENED
TO HAVE THE NAME "TRUMP" JUST
THE OTHER DAY IN A WASTEPAPER
BASKET.
THEY'RE BEING SENT ALL OVER
THE PLACE.
THEY SENT TWO IN A DEMOCRAT
AREA.
THEY SENT OUT A THOUSAND
BALLOTS.
EVERYBODY GOT TWO BALLOTS.
THIS IS GOING TO BE A FRAUD LIKE
YOU'VE NEVER SEEN.
>> John: OKAY, I KNOW THAT
SOUNDS LIKE A LOT, BUT -- AS
YOU'VE PROBABLY GUESSED -- THAT
WAS A 12-COURSE TASTING MENU
OF HORSESHIT.
BECAUSE HE IS WILDLY
MISREPRESENTING EVERY SINGLE
ONE OF THOSE CASES.
FIRST, ON THE BALLOTS IN THE
CREEK EXAMPLE, HE SEEMS TO
BE REFERRING TO REPORTS OF
A FEW ABSENTEE BALLOTS
IN WISCONSIN BEING FOUND
IN TRAYS OF MAIL THAT WERE FOUND
IN A DITCH.
BUT YOU SHOULD KNOW, THE TRAYS
WERE FULL OF ALL SORTS OF MAIL,
AND STATE ELECTION OFFICIALS
LATER CLARIFIED THEY ACTUALLY
"DID NOT INCLUDE ANY WISCONSIN
BALLOTS" WHATSOEVER.
AS FOR THE WASTEPAPER BASKET
EXAMPLE, THAT WAS AN INCIDENT
WHERE A TEMP WORKER, WHO'D ONLY
WORKED AT THE COUNTY ELECTION
OFFICE FOR THREE DAYS,
MISTAKENLY DISCARDED NINE
BALLOTS, AND WHEN HIS BOSSES
REALIZED WHAT HE'D DONE,
THEY IMMEDIATELY REPORTED IT
TO LAW ENFORCEMENT AT THE LOCAL,
STATE, AND FEDERAL LEVEL.
AND JUST SPARE A QUICK THOUGHT
FOR THAT TEMP.
IMAGINE IF SOME STUPID MISTAKE
YOU MADE AT WORK ENDED UP BEING
HELD UP AS EVIDENCE OF
A LEFT-WING CONSPIRACY AGAINST
THE PRESIDENT.
IMAGINE BUYING THE WRONG K-CUPS
FOR THE BREAK-ROOM AND NEXT
THING YOU KNOW, TUCKER CARLSON
IS ON TV SCREAMING ABOUT HOW
THE RADICAL LEFT IS
DECAFFEINATING THE SUBURBS.
AND FINALLY, AS FOR THOSE
THOUSAND EXTRA BALLOTS HE
MENTIONED -- THAT WAS A FUCK UP
WHERE SOME VOTERS IN
FAIRFAX COUNTY, VIRGINIA,
WERE SENT TWO MAIL-IN BALLOTS
BY MISTAKE.
WHICH SOUNDS BAD, BUT THE KEY
THING TO UNDERSTAND IS THAT
BECAUSE BALLOTS ARE MATCHED TO
INDIVIDUAL VOTERS, THE SYSTEM
IS DESIGNED TO PREVENT PEOPLE
VOTING TWICE.
YOU MAY HAVE TWO BALLOTS,
BUT YOU CAN ONLY CAST ONE.
AND LOOK, MISTAKES ARE GOING TO
HAPPEN IN AN ELECTION WITH OVER
100 MILLION BALLOTS.
THEY SHOULDN'T, BUT THEY WILL.
AND WHEN THEY DO, WE SHOULD MOVE
FAST TO CORRECT THEM.
BUT NONE OF THOSE EXAMPLES TRUMP
CITED, ALL OF WHICH HAVE LIT UP
RIGHT-WING MEDIA, APPEAR TO
BE PART OF ANY SCHEME
TO STEAL VOTES.
AND IF THEY ARE, THE SCHEME
SEEMS TO BE HORRIBLY
COORDINATED,
TOTALLY NONSENSICAL, AND
EXTREMELY DUMB.
SO THE FACT IS THAT FEARS OVER
MAIL-IN BALLOT FRAUD HAVE BEEN
WILDLY OVERBLOWN.
AND TO THE EXTENT THERE IS ANY
DANGER WITH THEM, IT'S ACTUALLY
A FAR MORE MUNDANE ONE, AND
THAT'S THAT YOU COULD END UP
HAVING YOUR BALLOT REJECTED FOR
TECHNICAL REASONS.
>> IN THE 2020 PRIMARIES,
MORE THAN 550,000 BALLOTS
WERE REJECTED IN 30 STATES
DUE TO MISSING SIGNATURES,
MISSED DEADLINES, OR SIGNATURES
THAT COULD NOT BE VERIFIED.
>> John: THINK ABOUT THAT --
OVER HALF A MILLION BALLOTS
WERE REJECTED IN THE PRIMARIES!
THAT'S PRACTICALLY AN ENTIRE
WYOMING DISAPPEARING
INTO THIN AIR.
THAT IS REALLY BAD, UNLESS IT'S
THE ACTUAL WYOMING DISAPPEARING,
IN WHICH CASE, IT MIGHT BE FOR
THE BEST.
IT'S A SEMI-ARID SANDBOX FILLED
WITH FLUFFY COWS AND NOTHING.
THE MOST FAMOUS PART OF WYOMING
IS THE STATE TRYING TO SWALLOW
ITSELF UP, AND THE SECOND MOST
FAMOUS PART IS IT SPITTING
ITSELF OUT AGAIN.
IT'S CLEAR THAT EVEN YOU DON'T
LIKE YOU, WYOMING, AND IT'S
GETTING HARD FOR THE REST OF US
TO WATCH.
AND TO BE FAIR TO VOTERS,
BALLOTS CAN BE TRICKY.
SOME STATES HAVE SECRECY
ENVELOPES, WHICH YOU DON'T SIGN,
WHICH YOU THEN HAVE TO PUT
INSIDE A DECLARATION ENVELOPE,
WHICH YOU DO.
IT CAN BE CONFUSING, SO MAKE
SURE YOU READ THE INSTRUCTIONS
CAREFULLY.
AND IT'S ALSO SURPRISINGLY
IMPORTANT TO THINK ABOUT
THE SIGNATURE THAT YOU'RE USING.
BECAUSE THEY MATCH THEM AGAINST
THE ONE THEY HAVE ON RECORD FOR
YOU, EITHER FROM WHEN YOU
REGISTERED TO VOTE, OR THE ONE
YOU HAVE ON FILE AT THE DMV.
AND REPLICATING YOUR OWN
SIGNATURE CAN BE MORE DIFFICULT
THAN YOU MIGHT EXPECT, AS THIS
HANDWRITING EXPERT EXPLAINS.
>> ORSINI SAYS NO TWO SIGNATURES
ARE IDENTICAL AND VARY OVER
TIME.
>> HAND SIZE AND AGE AND
ILLNESS, MEDICATION.
THE WRITING POSITION
THEY WERE IN.
WERE THEY DEPRESSED?
ALL OF THOSE KIND OF FACTORS
COME INTO PLAY.
>> LOOK AT THESE ACTUAL
SIGNATURES FROM FORMER PRESIDENT
RICHARD NIXON OVER A SIX-YEAR
PERIOD.
>> IT DOES NOT LOOK LIKE THE
SAME PERSON.
>> EXACTLY.
BUT YET IT IS.
IT'S THE SAME SIGNATURE.
>> John: YEAH, THE TRUTH IS,
OUR SIGNATURES CHANGE OVER TIME.
AND SOMETIMES, OVER THE COURSE
OF A SINGLE DAY, BECAUSE LET'S
BE HONEST, WE ALL HAVE AT LEAST
TWO SIGNATURES -- THE REAL ONE,
AND YOUR COFFEE SHOP SIGNATURE,
WHICH IS USUALLY JUST A LINE
AND, DEPENDING ON YOUR MOOD,
A COUPLE OF LOOP-DE-LOOPS.
LOOK, YOU'RE GETTING A MUFFIN,
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO,
CALLIGRAPH THE iPAD?
OF COURSE NOT.
IT'S YOUR POINTER FINGER,
IT'S NOT YOUR ART FINGER.
IT'S FOR POINTING.
AND IN THEORY, SOME STATES
ARE SUPPOSED TO LET YOU KNOW
IF YOUR BALLOT WAS DISQUALIFIED,
BUT IN PRACTICE,
THAT DOESN'T ALWAYS HAPPEN.
JUST WATCH ONE CALIFORNIA MAN
LEARN IT HAPPENED TO HIM
IN 2018.
>> TATTOO ARTIST JOHNNY TREVINO
LOVES TO CREATE.
>> GOOD TO GO.
>> DRAWING ON HUMAN SKIN.
>> LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH IT IS,
TOO.
>> THAT'S WHY TREVINO SAYS IT
CAME AS A SHOCK WHEN WE SHOWED
HIM THAT THE WAY HE DRAWS HIS
SIGNATURE ACTUALLY CAUSED HIS
BALLOT TO BE REJECTED DURING THE
LAST MAJOR ELECTION IN 2018.
>> THE REASON IS NO SIGNATURE
MATCH.
I WISH I WOULD HAVE KNOWN THIS.
>> DOES THAT FRUSTRATE YOU?
>> YES.
BECAUSE I'M A TATTOO ARTIST AND
SOMETIMES I WRITE IT BEAUTIFUL
AND SOMETIMES I JUST SIGN IT
QUICK.
AND I BET YOU A LOT OF PEOPLE DO
THAT.
>> John: OKAY, THAT IS
UNFORTUNATE TO FIND OUT.
ALTHOUGH I WILL SAY,
"SOMETIMES I WRITE IT BEAUTIFUL
AND SOMETIMES I JUST SIGN IT
QUICK" IS ONE OF THE LAST THINGS
YOU WANT TO HEAR FROM SOMEONE
GIVING YOU A TATTOO.
IT'S RIGHT UP THERE WITH
"YOU KNOW, I'M MORE OF
A HANDS-FREE ARTIST."
BUT LOOK, LET'S SAY THAT NONE OF
WHAT I'VE TALKED ABOUT SO FAR
TURNS OUT TO BE A PROBLEM.
EVERYONE BEHAVES THEMSELVES AT
POLLING PLACES, THE LINES AREN'T
TOO LONG, AND NOBODY FUCKS UP
THEIR MAIL-IN BALLOT.
THERE IS STILL ONE MORE
POTENTIAL WRINKLE IN THIS
ELECTION, AND IT HAPPENS AFTER
YOU'VE VOTED.
BECAUSE MAIL-IN BALLOTS IN
PARTICULAR CAN TAKE A LONG TIME
TO COUNT.
WHICH DOES MAKE SENSE -- IT'S
A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE.
>> BEFORE THE COUNT CAN BEGIN,
A SERIES OF PROCEDURES NEED TO
BE FOLLOWED -- LIKE MAKING SURE
THE VOTE COUNT FROM A PARTICULAR
PRECINCT MATCHES UP WITH
THE ACTUAL NUMBER OF BALLOTS
RECEIVED.
THE CITY OF GRAND RAPIDS HAS
ISSUED SOME 35,000 ABSENTEE
BALLOTS.
>> JUST THE SIMPLE PROCESS OF
OPENING THAT MANY ENVELOPES,
THAT TAKES A LONG TIME.
>> John: YEAH, OF COURSE IT
DOES.
35,000 IS A SHIT-TON OF
ENVELOPES, AND OPENING THEM IS
GOING TO TAKE A LONG FUCKING
TIME.
WHICH, BY THE WAY, SHOULD
PROBABLY BE THE OFFICIAL TAGLINE
OF EVERY SINGLE AWARD SHOW:
THE OSCARS!
THERE ARE A SHIT TON OF
ENVELOPES TO OPEN, SO IT'S GONNA
TAKE A LONG FUCKING TIME!
SUNDAY, 8:00, 7:00 CENTRAL,
ON ABC.
AND MAKING IT WORSE, IN SOME
KEY BATTLEGROUND STATES, LIKE
PENNSYLVANIA AND WISCONSIN,
THEY'RE NOT EVEN ALLOWED TO
BEGIN PROCESSING MAIL-IN BALLOTS
UNTIL ELECTION DAY ITSELF.
WHICH BRINGS US TO SOMETHING
VERY IMPORTANT.
BECAUSE THERE IS A NATURAL
VULNERABILITY HERE THAT
THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN MAY BE ABLE
TO EXPLOIT IF WE'RE NOT
EXTREMELY CAREFUL.
REMEMBER, HE MAY RECEIVE
A LARGER PROPORTION OF IN-PERSON
VOTES, AND THOSE WILL GET
COUNTED FASTER, LEADING TO
A POTENTIAL PROBLEM.
>> ELECTION EXPERTS SAY ONE
POSSIBLE ELECTION SCENARIO IS
WHAT IS KNOWN AS THE BLUE SHIFT.
WITH TRUMP AHEAD ON ELECTION
NIGHT AND BIDEN PULLING IN FRONT
AFTER ELECTION NIGHT THROUGH
MAIL-IN BALLOTS.
>> THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS
ELECTION NIGHT RESULTS.
THEY'RE ONLY PARTIAL RESULTS AND
THEY ALWAYS HAVE BEEN PARTIAL
RESULTS.
>> John: EXACTLY.
MANY VOTES ARE COUNTED AFTER
ELECTION NIGHT.
AND THIS YEAR, THE DISCREPANCY
IN HOW PEOPLE VOTE COULD LEAD TO
A SO-CALLED "BLUE SHIFT," WHICH
I KNOW SOUNDS LIKE A EUPHEMISM
FOR A SMURF'S BOWEL MOVEMENT,
BUT IT ACTUALLY REFERS TO
THE IDEA THAT, SINCE MORE BIDEN
SUPPORTERS ARE VOTING BY MAIL,
DEMOCRATS COULD INITIALLY BE
BEHIND, THEN PULL AHEAD ONCE ALL
THE MAIL BALLOTS ARE COUNTED.
THE CONCERN IS THAT, IN THAT
EARLY STAGE, THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN
COULD DECLARE VICTORY, AND CLAIM
ANY ADDITIONAL BALLOTS ARE
FRAUDULENT.
HE HIMSELF HAS TWEETED THAT WE
"MUST KNOW ELECTION RESULTS ON
THE NIGHT OF THE ELECTION,
NOT DAYS, MONTHS, OR EVEN
YEARS LATER."
BUT HERE'S THE THING: WE DON'T
NEED TO KNOW ON THE NIGHT, AT
ALL.
PROJECTING WINNERS ON ELECTION
NIGHT CAN BE A BIT LIKE
SUMMARIZING "GET OUT" WHEN
YOU'VE ONLY SEEN THE BEGINNING:
IT'S ABOUT A YOUNG MAN WHO MEETS
HIS GIRLFRIEND'S PARENTS FOR THE
FIRST TIME, WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY
NERVE-RACKING!
BUT LUCKILY, HER PARENTS SEEM
LIKE A COUPLE OF REAL SWEETIES,
SO EVERYTHING'S COOL!
YEAH, THAT'S HOW IT STARTS, BUT
MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP TALKING
UNTIL YOU KNOW THE WHOLE STORY.
AND IN AN ELECTION WITH SO MANY
MAIL-IN VOTES, IT MAY TAKE
SIGNIFICANTLY LONGER TO GET
THE FINAL RESULTS THAN IT HAS IN
THE PAST, AND THE SWING COULD BE
EVEN MORE PRONOUNCED.
THAT IS WHY ELECTION OFFICIALS
ARE SO ANXIOUS TO RESET OUR
EXPECTATIONS.
>> THE EXPECTATION IS ELECTION
NIGHT, LIKE MOST ELECTION
NIGHTS, AROUND MIDNIGHT, 1:00,
WE KNOW WHO THE PRESIDENT IS
GOING TO BE.
AND IN 2020, THAT IS SIMPLY NOT
GOING TO BE THE CASE.
THE EXPECTATION SHOULD BE THAT
WE WILL PROBABLY NOT KNOW THE
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
UNTIL MID TO LATE NOVEMBER.
>> John: YEAH, IF THIS ELECTION
IS CLOSE, WE MAY NOT KNOW
FOR A WHILE.
SO IT MIGHT HELP TO STOP
THINKING OF IT AS
"ELECTION NIGHT" AND MORE AS AN
"ELECTION MONTH," WHICH IS A LOT
LIKE WHEN SOMEONE SAYS IT'S
THEIR "BIRTHDAY MONTH" IN THAT
THE VERY CONCEPT MAKES EVERY
DECENT AMERICAN WANT TO VOMIT.
AND THIS IS GOING TO TAKE AN
ADJUSTMENT ON EVERYBODY'S PART,
FROM INDIVIDUAL VOTERS,
TO TV NETWORKS THAT ARE
ACCUSTOMED TO GOING ALL-OUT
IN SELLING "ELECTION NIGHT"
AS AN EVENT.
TO SOCIAL MEDIA NETWORKS THAT
COULD BECOME CESSPOOLS OF
MISINFORMATION.
SO THERE ARE A LOT OF PLACES
WHERE REPUBLICANS MIGHT BE ABLE
TO PUT THEIR THUMB ON THE SCALE
THIS ELECTION.
AND IF YOU THINK ANY OF THIS IS
ME BEING PARANOID, YOU SHOULD
KNOW, IT'S ALREADY STARTED.
IN WISCONSIN, REPUBLICAN
LEGISLATORS THREATENED TO SUE
ELECTIONS OFFICIALS FOR HOLDING
AN EARLY-VOTING EVENT WHERE
10,000 PEOPLE CAST BALLOTS,
SUGGESTING THEY MIGHT SEEK TO
HAVE ALL THOSE VOTES
INVALIDATED.
MEANWHILE, IN TEXAS, THEIR
GOVERNOR HAS INSISTED THAT
DROP-OFF LOCATIONS FOR ABSENTEE
BALLOTS BE LIMITED TO JUST ONE
PER COUNTY, WHETHER IT'S
LOVING COUNTY, WHICH HAS JUST
169 RESIDENTS, OR HARRIS COUNTY,
WHICH HAS MORE THAN
FOUR MILLION,
ALTHOUGH I GUESS THAT DOES TRACK
WITH TEXAS'S FAMOUS SLOGAN:
DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS, UNLESS
YOU'RE DIRECTING THEM TO A
SINGLE VOTING NEXUS,
EVEN WHILE SOME OF THEM COULD BE
DANGEROUSLY INFECTIOUS.
THAT SLOGAN NEVER MADE SENSE
TO ME UNTIL JUST NOW.
AND THIS BRINGS US TO OUR FINAL
POINT: WHAT CAN WE DO TO HELP
THE SYSTEM RUN SMOOTHER?
WELL, LUCKILY, THERE ARE STEPS
YOU CAN TAKE.
FIRST, AS AN INDIVIDUAL,
MAKE A PLAN TO VOTE.
YOU CAN FIND INFORMATION FOR
YOUR STATE AT CanIVote.org.
IF YOU WANT TO DO IT IN-PERSON,
ON ELECTION DAY, THAT'S GREAT.
ALTHOUGH WE DON'T WANT EVERYONE
DOING THAT, BECAUSE REMEMBER:
WITH FEWER POLLING PLACES OPEN
THIS YEAR, THAT COULD LEAD TO A
"RUN THE JEWELS" LISTENING PARTY
THAT NOBODY WANTS.
SO IF YOUR SCHEDULE IS FLEXIBLE
ENOUGH, AND YOU LIVE IN A STATE
WHERE YOU CAN VOTE EARLY, YOU
SHOULD DO THAT, ESPECIALLY TO
MAKE THE LINES SHORTER ON
ELECTION DAY FOR THOSE WHO DON'T
HAVE THAT LUXURY.
NOW IF YOU WANT TO VOTE BY
MAIL, THAT'S GREAT, TOO.
BUT WE SHOULD BE TRYING TO
FLATTEN THE VOTING CURVE TO TAKE
THE PRESSURE OFF THE SYSTEM.
SO REQUEST YOUR BALLOT AS EARLY
AS POSSIBLE, READ ALL THE
INSTRUCTIONS, AND SEND IT BACK,
OR DROP IT OFF, AS SOON AS
YOU'VE FILLED IT IN.
OH, AND ALSO, DO BE CAREFUL WITH
YOUR SIGNATURE, UNLESS YOU WANT
SOME LOCAL NEWS REPORTER TO SHOW
UP TWO YEARS FROM NOW AND TELL
YOU YOUR VOTE DIDN'T COUNT AND
THROW YOUR SKILLS AS A TATTOO
ARTIST INTO SIGNIFICANT DOUBT.
AND BY THE WAY, IF YOU'RE STILL
WORRIED ABOUT MAILING YOUR
BALLOT IN, IT IS WORTH KNOWING
46 STATES HAVE SOME FORM OF
BALLOT TRACKING, SO YOU CAN
BE SURE IT WAS RECEIVED AND
COUNTED.
AND YOU SHOULD ABSOLUTELY USE
THAT RESOURCE IF YOU CAN.
THE REALLY IMPORTANT THING TO
REMEMBER IS, THIS ELECTION IS
ALREADY VERY DIFFERENT FROM ALL
THOSE BEFORE IT.
SO WE ALL NEED TO BE ON TOP OF
NOT ONLY OUR OWN VOTING PLANS,
BUT MAKING SURE OUR FRIENDS AND
FAMILY ARE ON TOP OF THEIRS AS
WELL.
BECAUSE I HAVE TO SAY, IF YOUR
PLAN IS TO JUST SIT BACK AND
EXPECT THE SYSTEM TO MAGICALLY
WORK ITSELF OUT, AND THAT THIS
MAN WILL HAVE A THREE-QUARTER
LIFE CRISIS AND SUDDENLY TURN
INTO A "GOOD LOSER," I'M SORRY
TO SAY, BUT THAT'S SIMPLY A
>> BAD IDEA!
>> John: IT REALLY IS.
AND NOW, THIS.
♪ ♪
>> Announcer: AND NOW...
PEOPLE MISS A LOT OF THINGS DUE
TO THE PANDEMIC.
>> THERE IS NOTHING LIKE GOING
TO AN IRISH PUB IN NEW YORK CITY
AND HAVING A PINT OF GUINNESS.
THAT'S WHEN I MESS.
>> ONE THING I MISS IS OPENING
CANDLES AND JUST SMELLING.
BUT NOW THAT I AM SO --
PRACTICALLY PARANOID ABOUT
TOUCHING SERVICES, I'M NOT GOING
TO TOUCH ANYTHING I DON'T BUY.
I MISS HUGGING, I AM A HUGGER
AND I MISS HUGGING.
>> I HUGGED SOME TREES IN MY
YARD.
THAT IS HOW DESPERATE I GOT.
>> I MISS THE CENTRAL PARK
ZOO'S.
>> I MISS DISNEYLAND SO MUCH.
>> I MISS MY VANILLA LATTE.
>> I MISS MISS PIGGY.
>> THE THINGS I MISS THE MOST
ABOUT BEING WITH MY GIRLFRIEND'S
BRUNCH!
>> FACE-TO-FACE CONVERSATIONS.
>> !
YOU JUST DON'T HAVE THEM.
>> I AM RIGHT HERE.
>> I KNOW YOU ARE RIGHT THERE.
[LAUGHTER]
>> YOU KNOW WHAT A MESS?
LICKING MY FINGERS.
>> LICKING MY FINGERS.
♪ ♪
>> John: MOVING ON.
FINALLY TONIGHT, A QUICK WORD
ABOUT MUSEUMS.
THINK OF THEM AS HISTORY'S
INSTAGRAM.
IF THIS WAS POSTED IN 2020, IT
WOULDN'T BE CALLED "LUNCHEON OF
THE BOATING PARTY," IT'D BE
CALLED "BRUNCH TIME WITH
MY BEST BAEs.
#SunsOutGunsOut.
#OilOnCanvas."
LIKE MOST INDUSTRIES, MUSEUMS
HAVE TAKEN A HUGE HIT DURING
THE PANDEMIC, AND SOME HAVE HAD
TO GET IMAGINATIVE ABOUT WAYS
TO RAISE REVENUE AND ATTENTION,
FROM LIVE-STREAMING GALAS,
TO OFFERING FREE DOWNLOADS OF
ARTWORK TO PLAYERS OF
ANIMAL CROSSING, TO THIS.
>> THE PENGUINS FROM THE ZOO
GOT OUT AND WADDLED AROUND,
ENJOYING A MORNING OF FINE ART
AND CULTURE AT
THE NELSON ATKINS' MUSEUM
IN KANSAS CITY.
THE ANIMALS TAKING A FIELD
TRIP -- LOOK AT THAT AWESOME
SHOT -- TO THE MUSEUM WHILE
IT'S CLOSED TO THE PUBLIC.
AND APPARENTLY, THEY HAD SOME
VERY STRONG OPINIONS.
>> THEY SEEMED TO REACT MUCH
BETTER TO CARAVAGGIO THAN TO
MONET.
>> John: WELL, OF COURSE THEY
DID.
PENGUINS ARE AQUATIC FLIGHTLESS
BIRDS, NOT COMPLETE PHILISTINES.
EVEN THEY CAN APPRECIATE
THAT CARAVAGGIO'S USE OF LIGHT
REMAINS UNPARALLELED
TO THIS DAY.
THE MAN PRACTICALLY INVENTED
CHIAROSCURO.
WHEREAS MONET IS AT THIS POINT
REALLY MORE A POP CULTURE
FIGURE.
I MEAN, WHAT DID HE REALLY DO
OTHER THAN VOMIT PASTELS AND
GIVE UNIMAGINATIVE DUMB DUMBS
SOMETHING PRETTY TO HANG IN
THEIR POWDER ROOMS?
LISTEN, I DON'T THINK THAT.
PENGUINS DO.
BUT THE TRUTH IS, FOR MANY
BELOVED INSTITUTIONS, IT'S JUST
NOT GOING TO BE ENOUGH.
>> MOST MUSEUMS GET 50% OF THEIR
OPERATING BUDGETS FROM EARNED
SOURCES.
SO FROM TICKET SALES, SPECIAL
PROGRAMMING, AND PURCHASES OF
TICKETS TO THOSE THINGS.
>> ACCORDING TO A STUDY
CONDUCTED BY THE AMERICAN
ALLIANCE OF MUSEUMS, ONE-THIRD
OF MUSEUMS MAY PERMANENTLY CLOSE
IN THE NEXT YEAR.
>> John: THAT'S TERRIBLE.
MUSEUMS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE
LASTING MONUMENTS TO SCIENTIFIC,
CULTURAL, AND ARTISTIC INTEREST,
NOT BE AS DISPOSABLE AS
THE FOURTH H&M IN TIMES SQUARE.
THINGS ARE SO BAD,
THE ASSOCIATION OF ART MUSEUM
DIRECTORS RECENTLY RELAXED THEIR
GUIDELINES, ALLOWING MUSEUMS TO
SELL OFF PIECES OF ART IN ORDER
TO HELP MAKE ENDS MEET.
THE BROOKLYN MUSEUM HAS ALREADY
STARTED DOING THAT.
AND IT'S NOT JUST MAJOR
INSTITUTIONS.
THERE ARE TINY MUSEUMS ACROSS
THIS COUNTRY THAT ARE REALLY
STRUGGLING.
AND THIS IS WHERE WE MAY
ACTUALLY BE ABLE TO HELP.
BECAUSE WE'VE DABBLED A BIT IN
THE ART MARKET THIS YEAR, AND
HAVE ACQUIRED A SMALL, BUT HIGH
QUALITY COLLECTION OF MODERN
MASTERPIECES.
YOU MAY REMEMBER "STAY UP LATE"
BY BRIAN SWORDS OF YORK.
IT'S A MEDITATIVE PIECE
DEPICTING TWO RATS IN
A POST-COITAL EMBRACE.
IN TERMS OF IMPORTANCE,
IT'S VERY MUCH THE MONA LISA OF
OUR COLLECTION, AND SWORDS THE
DA VINCI.
BUT THAT'S NOT ALL.
WE ALSO ACQUIRED "TIES" BY
JUDITH KUDLOW, A MULTICHROMATIC
INSTALLMENT OF HER CAREER-LONG
EXPLORATION OF A WORLD WITHOUT
HER HUSBAND, LARRY.
AND WE ACTUALLY HAVE A THIRD
PIECE WE'VE HAVEN'T HAD A CHANCE
TO SHOW YOU YET.
AND BEFORE I SHOW YOU, A LITTLE
BACKGROUND.
YOU MAY REMEMBER BACK, SAY,
400 YEARS AGO OR SO, WE DID
A SEGMENT ON WENDY WILLIAMS'S
MAGNIFICENT LOCKDOWN VERSION
OF HER TALK SHOW, WHERE WE
COMPLIMENTED HER EATING MANY
WEIRD FOODSTUFFS DURING HER
BROADCAST.
WE EVEN FOUND AND SENT HER
A SWEATSUIT SHE WAS LOOKING FOR.
AND SHORTLY AFTER, WE RECEIVED
A NOTE FROM HER SHOW SAYING
THEY'D -- AND I QUOTE -- "LIKE
TO GIFT JOHN WITH A VERY ELEGANT
PAINTING OF WENDY EATING
A LAMB CHOP."
AND GUESS WHAT?
WE RECEIVED IT, AND IF THIS
ISN'T A VERY ELEGANT PAINTING
OF WENDY EATING A LAMB CHOP,
I SIMPLY DON'T KNOW WHAT IS.
LOOK, IN MOMENTS OF SUFFERING,
HUMANITY HAS, TIME AND AGAIN,
FOUND SOLACE IN THE ARTS.
SO TONIGHT, I'M PROUD TO
ANNOUNCE THAT THIS COLLECTION IS
AVAILABLE TO GO ON TOUR.
THAT IS RIGHT.
WE'RE INVITING ANY U.S. MUSEUM
-- AS LONG AS THEY CAN SAFELY
SHOW THEM -- TO APPLY TO HOST
THESE MASTERPIECES.
WE WILL SEND THEM TO YOU, ALONG
WITH A $10,000 DONATION, PLUS
ANOTHER $10,000 DONATION
TO A FOOD BANK IN YOUR AREA.
WE'LL BE PICKING FIVE MUSEUMS
TO GET THEM FOR TWO WEEKS
APIECE, AND IF YOU WANT TO
TAKE PART, YOU CAN EMAIL
John@JohnOliverHasYourRatErotica
.com BY NOVEMBER 1st.
AND IF SELECTED, SOON, YOU TOO
WILL BE ABLE TO FEAST YOUR EYES
UPON TRUE ART, LIKE WENDY IS
FEASTING UPON THAT LAMB CHOP.
YOU WILL NOT REGRET IT.
I PROMISE.
THAT'S OUR SHOW.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WATCHING.
WE'RE OFF NEXT WEEK.
SEE YOU ON OCTOBER 18TH.
GOOD NIGHT!
♪ ♪