♪ ♪
>> John: HI THERE, WELCOME TO
THE SHOW.
STILL TAKING PLACE IN THIS BLANK
VOID.
WHICH, FUN FACT, IS ACTUALLY
JUST A ZOOMED-IN PICTURE OF THIS
"I VOTED" STICKER.
WHICH IS GREAT!
UNFORTUNATELY, THAT STICKER IS
ATTACHED TO JAMES WOODS, WHICH
IS VERY MUCH NOT.
AND OBVIOUSLY, WE'RE GOING TO
START WITH OUR MAIN STORY
TONIGHT, WHICH IS THE 2020
ELECTION, OR AS IT'S KNOWN FOR
HORSES, "JUST ANOTHER WEEK."
LOOK AT THEM.
THEY'VE GOT NO CLUE.
HOT IDIOTS.
THIS WAS CLEARLY A VERY LONG,
VERY TENSE WEEK, ALTHOUGH
THANKFULLY, IT ALL FELT WORTH IT
DUE TO HOW IT ENDED.
>> CNN PROJECTS
JOSEPH R. BIDEN JR. IS ELECTED
THE 46TH PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES, WINNING
THE WHITE HOUSE AND DENYING
PRESIDENT TRUMP A SECOND TERM.
>> John: YEAH!
THAT DEFINITELY HAPPENED.
TRUMP ISN'T GOING TO BE
PRESIDENT ANYMORE -- SOMETHING I
PERSONALLY LEARNED FROM NO LESS
THAN 20 TEXT MESSAGES FROM MY
FRIENDS AND FAMILY ALL SAYING
"IT'S OVER!"
WHICH, IN THIS SITUATION, WAS
WELCOME, BUT ON ANY REGULAR DAY
WOULD TERRIFY THE LIVING SHIT
OUT OF ME.
AS WE ARE TAPING THIS ON
SATURDAY, PEOPLE ACROSS AMERICA
ARE STILL TAKING TO THE STREETS
TO CELEBRATE NOT JUST THAT BIDEN
AND HARRIS WERE ELECTED, BUT YOU
SENSED, MAINLY, THAT A CERTAIN
SOMEONE WAS ABOUT TO GET EVICTED
FROM THE WHITE HOUSE.
♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES,
COME ON ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ HEY, HEY, HEY ♪
♪ GOOD-BYE ♪
>> FUCK DONALD TRUMP!
[HORN HONKING]
>> John: YOU KNOW WHAT?
THAT PERSON SCREAMING
"FUCK DONALD TRUMP" FROM THE
BACK OF A MOVING SCOOTER
ACTUALLY SUMS UP PRETTY
NICELY HOW A LOT OF PEOPLE FEEL
RIGHT NOW.
AND I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU, IT WAS
LIKE THAT ALL DAY HERE IN
NEW YORK.
THERE WAS A MOOD HERE THAT
CAN ONLY BE DESCRIBED AS A
"REVERSE 9/11."
WHY?
BECAUSE IT COMBINED COMPLETE
EUPHORIA, AN ABIDING DISGUST FOR
RUDY GIULIANI, AND THIS TIME,
PEOPLE WERE ACTUALLY DANCING ON
ROOFTOPS IN NEW JERSEY.
IT WAS A REALLY GOOD DAY.
NEVER FORGET.
IT IS GENUINELY HARD TO
OVERSTATE THE LEVEL OF RELIEF
THAT HAS BEEN FLYING AROUND
PARTS OF THIS COUNTRY,
ESPECIALLY AT THE END OF A TRULY
DRAINING WEEK.
AND TONIGHT WE THOUGHT IT MIGHT
BE WORTH MAPPING EXACTLY HOW WE
GOT TO THIS POINT OVER THE LAST
SEVEN DAYS, BECAUSE AT THE START
OF THIS WEEK, WE ALL KNEW THAT,
DUE TO THE PANDEMIC, THIS
ELECTION WAS GOING TO BE
DIFFERENT.
CRUCIALLY, THAT IT WAS GOING TO
REQUIRE MORE PATIENCE THAN
USUAL.
YET FOR SOME REASON, AS SOON AS
TUESDAY CAME AROUND, EVERYONE
SEEMED TO IMMEDIATELY FORGET
THAT, BECAUSE STARTING THAT
EVENING, ALMOST EVERY NEWS
CHANNEL WAS OVERTAKEN BY SOME
VERSION OF A GUY PLAYING WITH A
BIG SCREEN WHILE SOMEONE COMES
IN TO INTERRUPT AND PESTER THEM
WITH QUESTIONS.
IT WAS BASICALLY THE EQUIVALENT
OF WATCHING THE SECURITY FOOTAGE
AT A BEST BUY FOR FOUR STRAIGHT
DAYS.
AND WHILE NEWS OUTLETS TRIED
THEIR BEST TO BE PATIENT, AS
THINGS DRAGGED ON, IT WAS CLEAR
THEY JUST COULDN'T DO IT --
SOMETHING PERHAPS BEST SUMMED UP
BY THIS EXCHANGE BETWEEN
DON LEMON AND A PHILADELPHIA
CITY COMMISSIONER.
>> SO HOW LONG DO YOU THINK IT'S
GOING TO TAKE TO COUNT ALL THE
VOTES, COMMISSIONER?
>> YOU KNOW, IT'S INTERESTING
HEARING REPORTERS TALK ABOUT,
"LISTEN, EVERYBODY, THIS IS
GOING TO TAKE SOME TIME," AND
THEN THE POLLS CLOSE AND THEN
IT'S, "WHY DON'T YOU HAVE THE
RESULTS YET?"
SO EVERYONE NEEDS TO RECALIBRATE
THEIR EXPECTATIONS.
>> I RESEMBLE THAT REMARK.
[LAUGHTER]
>> IT'S NOTHING PERSONAL.
>> SO LET ME ASK YOU THIS THEN,
SPEAKING OF -- THAT WAS A GOOD
ANSWER.
BUT ARE YOU TALKING HOURS, ARE
YOU TALKING DAYS?
>> John: HE DOESN'T FUCKING
KNOW, LEMON!
LEAVE THE MAN ALONE!
AT THAT POINT, IT WOULD HAVE
BEEN JUST AS PRODUCTIVE TO ASK
HIM, "WHEN WILL PENGUINS LEARN
HOW TO FLY?"
OR "WHEN IS MICHAEL KEATON GOING
TO WIN AN OSCAR?"
OR, "WHAT DOES THE REST OF THE
PRINGLES GUY'S BODY LOOK LIKE?
IS HE TALL OR SHORT?
DOES HE HAVE A LOT OF BODY HAIR
OR IS HE COMPLETELY SMOOTH?
WHEN WILL YOU BE ABLE TO TELL ME
WHAT HIS NIPPLES LOOK LIKE?
ARE YOU TALKING HOURS, OR ARE
YOU TALKING DAYS?"
WHAT WAS ALSO ENTIRELY
PREDICTABLE WAS HOW TRUMP WAS
GOING TO REACT AS THE COUNT
SLOWLY UNFOLDED, BECAUSE LONG
BEFORE RESULTS WERE IN, HE TOOK
ADVANTAGE OF THE FACT THAT HE
WAS AHEAD IN SOME STATES TO
DECLARE A PREMATURE, COMPLETELY
UNFOUNDED VICTORY.
AT 2:30 A.M. ON WEDNESDAY, HE
DELIVERED THIS NIGHTMARISH
SPEECH FROM THE WHITE HOUSE.
>> THIS IS A FRAUD ON THE
AMERICAN PUBLIC.
THIS IS AN EMBARRASSMENT TO OUR
COUNTRY.
WE WERE GETTING READY TO WIN
THIS ELECTION.
FRANKLY, WE DID WIN THIS
ELECTION.
SO WE'LL BE GOING TO THE U.S.
SUPREME COURT.
WE WANT ALL VOTING TO STOP.
WE DON'T WANT THEM TO FIND ANY
BALLOTS AT 4:00 IN THE MORNING
AND ADD THEM TO THE LIST.
OKAY?
>> John: UH, NO.
IT'S NOT OKAY.
IT'S NOT OKAY AT ALL.
FOR A START, YOU CAN'T
JUST THREATEN TO GO TO THE
SUPREME COURT WHEN THINGS AREN'T
GOING YOUR WAY.
IT'S THE HIGHEST COURT IN THE
LAND, NOT THE MIDDLE SCHOOL
PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE.
AND SECOND, THEY WEREN'T
"FINDING" BALLOTS, THEY WERE
COUNTING THEM.
AND COUNTING AND FINDING ARE NOT
THE SAME THING.
THAT'S WHY THE MOVIE
"FINDING NEMO" WASN'T CALLED
"COUNTING NEMO."
'CAUSE THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A
VERY DIFFERENT AND MUCH SHORTER
MOVIE.
ONE NEMO.
THE END.
UNFORTUNATELY, THAT PRESS
CONFERENCE SET THE TONE FOR THE
REST OF THE WEEK, WITH THE
SOON-TO-BE-FORMER PRESIDENT AND
HIS CAMP DOING ABSOLUTELY
EVERYTHING THEY COULD
THINK OF TO SUBVERT THIS
ELECTION.
ON WEDNESDAY, AFTER THE COUNT IN
MICHIGAN BEGAN TO FAVOR BIDEN,
TRUMP TWEETED OUT "WE HEREBY
CLAIM THE STATE OF MICHIGAN."
WHICH IS CLEARLY NOT HOW IT
WORKS.
CALLING DIBS ON STATES IS NOT
HOW WE ELECT PRESIDENTS.
WE USE THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE,
WHICH IS AT LEAST 3% LESS STUPID
THAN THAT.
THE VERY SAME DAY, THE
PRESIDENT'S PERSONAL LAWYER AND
RECENT STAR OF THE "BORAT"
MOVIE, RUDY GIULIANI, ARRIVED IN
PENNSYLVANIA TO TRY AND STOP
THEM FROM COUNTING THE VOTES
THAT WERE STILL REMAINING --
WHICH STOOD AT NEARLY A MILLION
THAT MORNING, MOST FROM HEAVILY
DEMOCRATIC AREAS -- AND DID SO
WITH THIS IMPASSIONED SPEECH.
>> HOW MANY VOTES DO WE HAVE TO
BE AHEAD?
400,000 IS NOT ENOUGH?
WITH 80 PLUS PERCENT COUNTED?
I THINK THERE'S ONLY 14% OF THE
VOTE TO GO.
DO YOU THINK WE'RE STUPID?
YOU THINK WE'RE FOOLS?
>> John: YEAH.
YEAH, WE DO.
YEAH.
AND, UH, ACTUALLY, THIS IS A BIT
AWKWARD, BECAUSE WE HAD SPACE
FOR A JOKE HERE, BUT THAT TOOK
NO TIME AT ALL.
SO TELL YOU WHAT: INSTEAD, LET'S
LOOK AT THIS RACCOON-SHAPED
COOKIE JAR WITH A RACCOON IN IT.
DID YOU EAT ALL THE COOKIES?
I BET YOU DID.
THOSE COOKIES HAVE GONE FROM
BEING INSIDE ONE RACCOON TO
BEING INSIDE ANOTHER.
WHAT AN ABSOLUTE DELIGHT.
ANYWAY, GIULIANI'S PRESS
CONFERENCE WAS TRULY UNHINGED,
WITH HIM THROWING AROUND WILD
ACCUSATIONS WITH ABSOLUTELY NO
EVIDENCE.
AND PERHAPS THE BEST RESPONSE TO
IT CAME FROM JOHN FETTERMAN,
PENNSYLVANIA'S LIEUTENANT
GOVERNOR:
>> TO COME IN AND STAND ON -- ON
A STREET CORNER IN PHILADELPHIA
TO SAY, "WE WON PENNSYLVANIA,"
IT'S LIKE, YOU KNOW, LIKE, LOL.
I MEAN, LIKE, IT IS JUST
BIZARRE.
IT IS LIKE A BAD, BAD
"HOUSE OF CARDS" EPISODE.
>> John: YEAH, HE'S RIGHT.
LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR STONE COLD
IS ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
BECAUSE THIS IS LIKE
"HOUSE OF CARDS" IN THAT IT'S
FULL OF POLITICAL INTRIGUE,
THERE'S A SEXUAL PREDATOR
PRETENDING TO BE PRESIDENT AT
THE VERY HEART OF IT, AND IT'S
GONE ON FOR AT LEAST FOUR
SEASONS TOO LONG.
AND FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH, THE
TRUMP CAMP'S PROTESTS WERE
CONSISTENTLY INCONSISTENT IN
THEIR MESSAGING, PRIMARILY
BECAUSE, EARLY ON, IN SOME
STATES, TRUMP LOOKED LIKE HE WAS
AHEAD, WHILE IN OTHERS, HE
LOOKED LIKE HE WAS BEHIND, WHICH
MEANT THAT IN MICHIGAN, WHERE HE
LED EARLY ON, HIS SUPPORTERS
SHOWED UP AT A DETROIT
BALLOT-COUNTING SITE TO CHANT
THIS:
>> STOP THE COUNT!
STOP THE COUNT!
>> John: "STOP THE COUNT."
RIGHT.
BUT IN ARIZONA, WHERE TRUMP
SEEMED TO BE BEHIND, HIS
SUPPORTERS CHANTED THIS:
>> COUNT THE VOTES!
COUNT THE VOTES!
>> John: NOW, SETTING ASIDE THE
ABSURDITY OF TWO GROUPS ON THE
SAME SIDE SHOUTING COMPLETELY
OPPOSITE INSTRUCTIONS, IT IS
WORTH TAKING A MINUTE ON
JUST HOW WEIRD IT IS THAT ONE OF
THOSE INSTRUCTIONS IS
"COUNT THE VOTES."
BECAUSE THEY WERE.
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THE
BALLOT COUNTERS WERE DOING.
IT'D BE LIKE A DAD CHANTING AT
HIS TEENAGE SON'S BEDROOM DOOR,
"BEAT THAT MEAT!
BEAT THAT MEAT!"
HE IS!
HE'S DOING IT!
YOU REALLY DON'T NEED TO CHEER
HIM ON.
IN FACT, ALL YOU'RE DOING IS
MAKING IT WAY HARDER FOR HIM TO
FINISH.
AND UNFORTUNATELY, THE
INFORMATION VACUUM THAT FORMED
IN THOSE THREE DAYS PROVIDED
AMPLE SPACE FOR TRUMP AND HIS
SUPPORTERS TO JUST THROW
COMPLETE BULLSHIT AROUND.
AT ONE POINT, TRUMP'S TWITTER
TIMELINE LOOKED LIKE THIS, WITH
A WHOLE RUN OF TWEETS FLAGGED AS
"DISPUTED OR MISLEADING."
MEANWHILE, GIULIANI WAS TWEETING
OUT THIS ARTICLE AND IMPLYING
21,000 DEAD PEOPLE HAD VOTED IN
PENNSYLVANIA -- WHICH THEY
HADN'T.
ALSO RUMORS WERE FLYING AROUND
THAT TRUMP BALLOTS WERE BEING
DISQUALIFIED IN ARIZONA BECAUSE
SHARPIES HAD BEEN USED TO FILL
THEM OUT, WHICH WAS FALSE.
AND ERIC TRUMP TWEETED OUT A
FAKE VIDEO OF BALLOTS IN
VIRGINIA BEACH BEING BURNED --
A VIDEO THAT THE CITY ITSELF HAD
DEBUNKED A DAY BEFORE HE TWEETED
IT.
AND THAT IS REALLY A SHAME,
BECAUSE NORMALLY THE TRUMP SONS
ARE SO GOOD AT GETTING TO THE
TRUTH -- YOU KNOW, LIKE WHEN
THEY SOLVED THE MYSTERY OF
"CAN A BEARD ACTUALLY MAKE
SOMEONE LOOK MORE LIKE A CHILD?"
THE ANSWER TURNED OUT TO BE A
RESOUNDING YES.
GOOD WORK, GUMSHOES.
BUT CONSPIRACY THEORIZING RAN SO
RAMPANT THIS WEEK THAT, DURING A
PRESS BRIEFING FROM A NEVADA
VOTING REGISTRAR, THIS HAPPENED:
>> THE BIDEN CRIME FAMILY IS
STEALING THE ELECTION!
THE MEDIA IS COVERING IT UP!
THE BIDEN CRIME FAMILY IS
STEALING THIS ELECTION!
THE MEDIA IS COVERING IT UP!
THE BIDEN CRIME FAMILY IS
STEALING THIS ELECTION!
THE MEDIA IS COVERING IT UP!
WE WANT OUR FREEDOM FOR THE
WORLD!
GIVE US OUR FREEDOM, JOE BIDEN!
JOE BIDEN IS COVERING UP THIS
ELECTION!
HE'S STEALING IT!
>> [SIGHS]
WHERE WERE WE?
WHAT WAS THE LAST QUESTION?
>> John: OKAY, THERE IS SO MUCH
TO DEAL WITH THERE.
THERE'S THE ARCTIC COOL
DISPLAYED BY THAT REGISTRAR
WHILE HE WAS BEING INTERRUPTED
BY A WALKING INTERNET COMMENT.
THEN THERE WAS THAT MAN'S SHIRT,
FEATURING WHAT I ASSUME WERE HIS
THREE FAVORITE THINGS.
WHICH I'M LEGITIMATELY JEALOUS
OF, BECAUSE NOW I WANT A TANK
TOP WITH MY THREE FAVORITE
THINGS ON IT -- SPECIFICALLY,
OVERSIGHT, FOIA REQUESTS, AND
HAMSTERS IN SPEEDOS.
NOW THAT IS A SHIRT.
BUT I THINK MY FAVORITE THING IS
JUST HOW PAINFULLY CLEAR IT IS
THAT THAT GUY WAS EXPECTING TO
GET DRAGGED AWAY AND WAS THEN
COMPLETELY STUCK WHEN IT DIDN'T
HAPPEN.
"THE BIDEN CRIME FAMILY IS
STEALING OUR FREEDOM!
THE BIDEN CRIME FAMILY IS --
REALLY?
GUYS?
NOTHING?
NO ONE'S GONNA ESCORT ME OUTTA
HERE?
'CAUSE HONESTLY, I WAS REALLY
COUNTING ON SOMEONE TOSSING ME
IN A CAR AND TAKING ME AWAY.
I DON'T ACTUALLY HAVE A RIDE
HOME OTHERWISE.
ALL RIGHT, I GUESS I'LL WALK.
HAVE A GOOD DAY, EVERYONE.
PIZZAGATE WAS A 9/11 OR
WHATEVER."
AND IN THE MIDST OF ALL OF THIS,
THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN WAS LOUDLY
ANNOUNCING THAT IT WAS FILING
MULTIPLE LAWSUITS IN MULTIPLE
STATES, TRYING TO CAST A CLOUD
OVER THE WHOLE PROCESS.
BUT IT IS IMPORTANT TO KNOW JUST
HOW RIDICULOUS THOSE LAWSUITS
WERE AND STILL ARE.
ONE CASE IN GEORGIA CENTERED ON
A POLL WATCHER WHO "LEFT THE
ROOM" AND THOUGHT THAT A STACK
OF 53 BALLOTS THAT MAY OR MAY
NOT HAVE ARRIVED LATE MIGHT OR
MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN COUNTED
WHILE THEY WERE AWAY.
ALTHOUGH THE POLL WATCHER
COULDN'T SAY FOR SURE BECAUSE,
AGAIN, HE HAD LEFT THE ROOM.
THAT PARTICULAR CASE WAS
DISMISSED BY A JUDGE BECAUSE,
AND I QUOTE, "THE COURT FINDS
THAT THERE IS NO EVIDENCE."
MEANWHILE, IN MICHIGAN,
THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN REQUESTED
THAT ABSENTEE BALLOTS STOP
BEING COUNTED AFTER -- AND THIS
IS KEY -- THE COUNTING HAD
ESSENTIALLY BEEN FINISHED IN THE
STATE.
THAT SUIT RELIED ON ONE
POLL WATCHER HAVING HEARD A
RUMOR FROM SOMEONE ELSE THAT
SOME LATE BALLOTS WERE BEING
COUNTED.
AND WHEN THE JUDGE POINTED OUT
THAT THAT WAS TOTAL HEARSAY, THE
TRUMP CAMPAIGN'S LAWYER TRIED TO
WRIGGLE OUT OF IT BEFORE BEING
SLAPPED DOWN HARD.
>> THIS IS A FIRST-HAND, FACTUAL
STATEMENT MADE BY MISS CONERAN,
AND SHE HAS MADE THAT STATEMENT
BASED ON HER OWN FIRST-HAND
PHYSICAL EVIDENCE AND KNOWLEDGE,
WHICH --
>> "I HEARD SOMEBODY ELSE SAY
SOMETHING."
TELL ME WHY THAT'S NOT HEARSAY?
COME ON NOW.
>> John: YEAH.
"COME ON NOW."
AND, LOOK, I'M NO LEGAL EXPERT,
BUT I'M PRETTY SURE IT'S NOT A
GREAT SIGN FOR YOUR CASE WHEN A
JUDGE GIVES YOU THE JUDICIAL
EQUIVALENT OF "FUCK OUTTA HERE."
NOW, ONE BIG TRUMP COMPLAINT
THAT HE'S MAKING A LOT RIGHT
NOW, SO YOU'LL PROBABLY BE
HEARING IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR
LIFE, IS THAT THE ELECTION IS
ILLEGITIMATE BECAUSE REPUBLICAN
POLL WATCHERS WEREN'T GIVEN
ACCESS TO THE BALLOT-COUNTING IN
PENNSYLVANIA.
HE ACTUALLY TWEETED ON SATURDAY,
"BAD THINGS HAPPENED WHICH OUR
OBSERVERS WERE NOT ALLOWED TO
SEE."
WHICH IS A TOUGH CHARGE TO MAKE
STICK, BECAUSE -- BY THE NATURE
OF THE ACCUSATION -- YOU DIDN'T
SEE THEM.
BUT THE CLAIM WAS ACTUALLY EVEN
MORE MERITLESS THAN IT APPEARS,
WHICH, OF ALL NETWORKS, FOX NEWS
POINTED OUT.
>> THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN HAS SAID
THAT THEY WANTED TO HAVE THEIR
POLL WATCHERS THERE, AND I GUESS
THEY WERE SAYING THEY WERE ASKED
TO PROVIDE EVIDENCE FOR
SOMETHING THAT THEY SAY THEY
WEREN'T EVEN ABLE TO PARTICIPATE
IN OR TO BE ABLE TO SEE, AND SO
THAT'S, I THINK, WHERE THEY
WOULD SAY THAT NEEDS TO BE
RECTIFIED, IF IT COULD BE.
>> THAT'S NOT TRUE.
IT'S NOT TRUE.
IT'S JUST NOT TRUE.
THE CLAIM FROM THE TRUMP
CAMPAIGN AND THE PRESIDENT ABOUT
THAT IS NOT TRUE, IT IS FALSE.
IN FACT, THE LAWYERS FOR THE
TRUMP CAMPAIGN LAST NIGHT IN
FEDERAL COURT ADMITTED THAT.
>> John: HE'S RIGHT.
THEY ADMITTED IT.
SPECIFICALLY, THE JUDGE ASKED,
"ARE PEOPLE REPRESENTING
DONALD J. TRUMP IN THAT ROOM?"
TO WHICH THE CAMPAIGN LAWYER
SAID "YES," AND THE JUDGE
REPLIED, "I'M SORRY, THEN WHAT'S
YOUR PROBLEM?"
MAKING THIS OFFICIALLY THE
SINGLE SASSIEST WEEK IN THE
HISTORY OF THE JUDICIARY.
THEY MUST HAVE TRADED IN THEIR
GAVELS FOR UMBRELLAS, BECAUSE
THESE JURISTS ARE THROWING SOME
SHADE.
AND THE EMBARRASSING FLIMSINESS
OF THESE FRAUD CLAIMS STARTS TO
MAKE SENSE WHEN YOU SEE JUST HOW
DESPERATELY THE TRUMP CAMP WAS
TRYING TO DRUM THEM UP.
TAKE ARIZONA.
THEY ANNOUNCED AT A PRESS
CONFERENCE ON THURSDAY THAT THEY
HAD GATHERED "CONCERNS BY
THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE" ABOUT
VOTING IRREGULARITIES.
WHICH ON ITS FACE SOUNDS
DRAMATIC.
BUT IT'S ALSO A LITTLE AT ODDS
WITH THIS MOMENT, CAPTURED JUST
MINUTES EARLIER:
>> HI, EVERYONE.
IF ANYONE HAS ANY PERSONAL
EXAMPLE WHERE THEY'VE WITNESSED
ELECTION FRAUD HERE IN ARIZONA,
PLEASE COME SEE ME.
I NEED A CONCRETE EXAMPLE, I
NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO.
RIGHT OVER THERE IN THE CORNER,
THANK YOU
>> John: OKAY, THAT IS JUST
PATHETIC.
ALTHOUGH I DO LIKE THE IDEA THAT
SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY WITNESSED
ELECTION FRAUD AND HAD PROOF
WAITING UNTIL THAT GLORIFIED
BLOCK PARTY TO TELL ANYONE ABOUT
IT.
"YEAH, I SAW A GUY IN A SKI MASK
PULLING FAKE BALLOTS OUT OF HIS
KIA FESTIVA, BUT IT DIDN'T OCCUR
TO ME TO TELL ANYONE ABOUT IT
UNTIL A REPRESENTATIVE FROM THE
LAW FIRM HANGOVER, HANGOVER,
DIVORCE & MEAT SWEATS TOLD ME TO
MEET HIM OVER THERE IN THE
CORNER.
I'M SO GLAD I WAS WONDERING BY."
BUT WAIT, THAT'S NOT ALL --
THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN ALSO SET UP
THIS WEBSITE AND PHONE NUMBER
WHERE THEY INVITED PEOPLE TO
SUBMIT EVIDENCE OF VOTER FRAUD,
MEANING IF YOU, SAY, WANTED TO
SUPPLY THEM WITH AN INCIDENT YOU
FOUND SUSPICIOUS, YOU COULD DO
THAT.
YOU STILL CAN.
YOU CAN SIMPLY GO TO THIS
ADDRESS AND SEND THEM WHATEVER
EVIDENCE YOU WANT.
THERE'S EVEN AN OPTION TO ADD
PHOTOGRAPHIC PROOF.
QUICK FUN FACT, I DON'T KNOW WHY
I'M EVEN MENTIONING THIS: A
POLITICAL TERM OF ART FOR
ELECTION SHENANIGANS IS
RATFUCKING.
SO IF YOU, SAY, HAPPEN TO HAVE
ANY ACCESS TO IMAGES OF
PENNSYLVANIA-BASED RATFUCKING,
IT'S FRANKLY YOUR PATRIOTIC DUTY
TO SEND THEM TO THE
TRUMP CAMPAIGN STRAIGHT AWAY.
AND ALL THESE POINTLESS LAWSUITS
ARE CLEARLY GOING TO COST A LOT
OF MONEY, WHICH IS PROBABLY WHY
THE CAMPAIGN HAS SPENT THE LAST
FEW DAYS FRANTICALLY TRYING TO
FUNDRAISE FOR THEM, EMAILING
SUPPORTERS IN AN INCREASINGLY
AGGRESSIVE MANNER, WITH ONE
MESSAGE READING, "THIS IS YOUR
FINAL NOTICE.
SO FAR, YOU'VE IGNORED ALL OUR
EMAILS ASKING YOU TO JOIN US IN
DEFENDING THE ELECTION.
YOU'VE IGNORED TEAM TRUMP, ERIC,
LARA, DON, THE VICE PRESIDENT,
AND YOU'VE EVEN IGNORED THE
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES."
AND FINAL NOTICE FOR WHAT?
TO NOT GIVE THEM MONEY?
MAYBE IT'S THE LAST CHANCE
TO GO TO THE OFFICIAL
DONALD J. TRUMP SITE AND BUY
THIS DOG LEASH FEATURING A DOG
WHO I CAN ONLY ASSUME WAS
LOBOTOMIZED AND GIVEN RABIES
IMMEDIATELY BEFORE HAVING THIS
PICTURE TAKEN.
ALSO, QUICK SIDE NOTE ABOUT
THOSE SOLICITATIONS:
IN THE FINE PRINT, IT MENTIONS
THAT, RATHER THAN FUNDING
LAWSUITS, HALF OF ANY
CONTRIBUTION WILL BE USED TO
RETIRE DEBT FROM TRUMP'S
RE-ELECTION CAMPAIGN, WHICH IS
COMPLETELY UNSURPRISING, AND NOT
EVEN THE WORST THING HE'S EVER
ASKED HIS SUPPORTERS TO DO,
BECAUSE THAT WOULD OBVIOUSLY BE
WHEN HE MADE THEM WATCH HIM DO
THIS DANCE, WHICH LOOKS LIKE
HE'S MILKING TWO COWS AT ONCE
AND ENJOYING IT SEXUALLY
VERY MUCH INDEED.
BUT PERHAPS THE SINGLE MOST
PATHETIC PART OF THIS ENTIRE
WEEK WAS THAT IN THE MOMENTS
BEFORE THIS RACE WAS CALLED ON
SATURDAY MORNING, TRUMP TWEETED
OUT "I WON THIS ELECTION,
BY A LOT!" -- ALL CAPS,
EXCLAMATION MARK.
AND IF THAT WASN'T A BAD ENOUGH
CASE OF DENIAL, THIS IS HOW SOME
OF HIS SUPPORTERS RESPONDED TO
NEWS OF HIS DEFEAT.
>> ♪ WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS ♪
♪ WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS♪
♪ NO TIME FOR LOSERS ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS ♪
♪ OF THE WORLD ♪
>> John: LOOK, I WOULD LOVE TO
MAKE FUN OF THAT, BUT
UNFORTUNATELY, I HAVE
NO TIME FOR LOSERS.
BUT HERE'S THE REALLY IMPORTANT
THING: AFTER THIS ABSOLUTE YEAR
OF A WEEK -- THE DAYS OF
COUNTING, THE MISINFORMATION,
THE DESPERATE, PATHETIC ATTEMPTS
TO PAINT THIS PROCESS AS
FRAUDULENT -- THE FACT IS, TRUMP
LOST THIS ELECTION.
HE LOST.
ALL THAT BULLSHIT WHICH WE'VE
GROWN ACCUSTOMED TO SEEING WORK
DID NOT WORK THIS TIME.
AND IT'S NOT LIKE TRUMP AND HIS
FAMILY ARE GOING TO STOP --
THEY'RE GOING TO CARRY ON
GRIFTING AND LYING LIKE THEY'VE
ALWAYS DONE, BUT ONCE HE'S OUT
OF THE WHITE HOUSE, IT'S JUST
NOT GOING TO HAVE THE SAME
EFFECT ANYMORE.
IT'S NOT GOING TO DIRECTLY
IMPACT EVERY AMERICAN'S LIFE.
AND THAT ALONE IS FUCKING
FANTASTIC.
AND LOOK, BY TEMPERAMENT, I'M
INCLINED TO OVER-ANALYZE
EVERYTHING.
AND I CAN ALREADY FEEL MYSELF
STARTING TO DO IT, FOCUS ON THE
NEGATIVES HERE AND BE CYNICAL
ABOUT WHAT A BIDEN PRESIDENCY
COULD -- OR IS EVEN GOING TO
TRY -- TO ACHIEVE.
BUT BEFORE WE GET INTO ANYTHING
NEGATIVE AT ALL, LET ME JUST
GIVE US ALL A QUICK MOMENT, WITH
NO CAVEATS, OF CELEBRATION.
IN FACT, LET'S PUT 30 SECONDS ON
THE CLOCK RIGHT NOW, DURING
WHICH TIME EVERYONE CAN JUST
EXPERIENCE JOY IN WHATEVER FORM
YOU WANT -- DANCING, SCREAMING,
BANGING A FRYING PAN -- IT'S UP
TO YOU.
PERSONALLY, I'M GOING TO DO ONE
OF MY FAVORITE ACTIVITIES, WHICH
IS DISPENSING EXCELLENT FACTS
ABOUT OCTOPUSES OVER FOOTAGE OF
PEOPLE CELEBRATING THIS
ELECTION.
READY:
GO.
OCTOPUSES ARE GREAT.
THEY HAVE THREE HEARTS, BLUE
BLOOD, THEY CAN TASTE WITH THEIR
ARMS, THEIR BRAINS ARE SPREAD
THROUGHOUT THEIR BODY, THEY CAN
CHANGE SHAPE AND COLOR, THEY
HAVE BEAKS, THEY CAN OPEN
BOTTLES, THEY REMEMBER FACES,
AND THEY HOLD GRUDGES.
ONE TIME AN OCTOPUS ESCAPED A
NEW ZEALAND AQUARIUM BY CRAWLING
DOWN A DRAIN PIPE INTO THE
OCEAN.
ALSO THERE WAS AN EXPERIMENT A
FEW YEARS BACK WHERE SCIENTISTS
GAVE OCTOPUSES ECSTASY, AND THEY
LEARNED THAT IF OCTOPUSES TAKE
ECSTASY, THEY'LL HANG OUT AND
PARTY WITH OTHER OCTOPUSES, BUT
IF YOU DON'T DO THAT, THEY
PREFER TO KEEP TO THEMSELVES.
THAT'S FROM A REAL STUDY.
ISN'T THAT GREAT?
I'M NOT SAYING I WANT TO FUCK AN
OCTOPUS, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
I KIND OF --
OH, THAT'S IT.
THAT'S TIME.
THAT WAS UNCOMPLICATED FUN.
SO NOW, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I AM
GOING TO OVER-ANALYZE THIS
ELECTION JUST A LITTLE BIT.
NOT MUCH THOUGH, MAINLY BECAUSE
IT'S STILL TOO EARLY TO DRAW ANY
BIG CONCLUSIONS.
THERE ARE TWO KEY THINGS WE KNOW
THOUGH.
THE GREAT NEWS IS THAT THIS
ELECTION HAD RECORD-BREAKING
TURNOUT, AND OVER 74 MILLION
PEOPLE CHOSE TO KICK
DONALD TRUMP OUT OF OFFICE.
THE LESS GOOD NEWS IS THAT MORE
THAN 70 MILLION PEOPLE VOTED FOR
HIM AND EVERYTHING HE'S SAID AND
STANDS FOR, AND THAT'S SOMETHING
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO RECKON
WITH FOR THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE.
AND I KNOW THAT BIDEN HAS
REPEATEDLY SAID ON THE CAMPAIGN
TRAIL THAT THE UGLINESS TRUMP
REPRESENTS IS SIMPLY "NOT WHO WE
ARE" -- HE DID IT CONSTANTLY IN
MOMENTS LIKE THIS:
>> THE ONLY THING THAT COULD
TEAR AMERICA APART IS AMERICA
ITSELF.
AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT TRUMP'S
BEEN TRYING TO DO FROM THE VERY
BEGINNING, DIVIDING AMERICA
BASED ON RACE, RELIGION, GENDER,
NATIONAL ORIGIN.
IT'S WRONG.
IT'S NOT WHO WE ARE.
THIS IS NOT WHO WE ARE.
EVERYBODY KNOWS WHO DONALD TRUMP
IS.
LET'S KEEP SHOWING THEM WHO WE
ARE.
>> John: LOOK, THAT IS A
REALLY NICE SENTIMENT, BUT
DIVIDING AMERICA BASED ON RACE,
RELIGION, GENDER, AND
NATIONAL ORIGIN HAS
FREQUENTLY BEEN VERY MUCH WHO WE
ARE.
IN FACT, YOU COULD ARGUE THAT,
IN THE HISTORY OF AMERICA, THE
ONE-SENTENCE VERSION OF TRUMP'S
PRESIDENCY IS "HE KEPT SHOWING
THEM WHO WE ARE."
SO WE CANNOT AND SHOULD NOT
IGNORE THAT MILLIONS VOTED FOR
TRUMP, MEANING THEY EITHER
ACTIVELY SUPPORTED HIS BIGOTRY,
OR AT THE VERY LEAST, WERE
COMFORTABLE ENOUGH WITH IT TO
VOTE FOR HIM ANYWAY.
WHICH ISN'T GREAT.
IT'S LIKE IF YOUR GRANDMA WAS
DATING TWO OLD GUYS, BOTH OF
WHOM HAD FOUGHT IN WORLD WAR II,
AND IN THE END, SHE PICKS PETE,
WHO SEEMS DECENT AND WORKS AT
THE LIBRARY AND YOU'RE HAPPY FOR
HER.
BUT AT THE SAME TIME, YOU ARE
WONDERING HOW THE FUCK SHE GOT
SO FAR WITH KLAUS.
BECAUSE THAT DOESN'T REALLY
REFLECT THAT WELL ON HER.
AND EVEN IN THE JOY AND RELIEF
AT THE END OF THIS WEEK, IT DOES
FEEL WORTH REMEMBERING HOW SCARY
IT FELT AS IT HAPPENED, WITH
TRUMP SUPPORTERS SWARMING AND
FOLLOWING A BIDEN-HARRIS BUS IN
TEXAS, AND THAT MOMENT IN
DETROIT THAT WE SAW EARLIER,
WHERE A LARGELY WHITE CROWD
SHOWED UP IN A CITY THAT'S
80% BLACK TO SHOUT
THAT THEY SHOULD STOP COUNTING
THEIR VOTES.
AND IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW
THOSE IMAGES RHYME WITH HISTORY,
IT MIGHT BE BECAUSE YOU'RE JUST
NOT BE USED TO SEEING THEM IN
COLOR.
BECAUSE THE LAST FOUR YEARS
WEREN'T ABOUT JUST ONE MAN --
AND THIS ISN'T JUST ABOUT THE
LAST FOUR YEARS.
AND EVEN THAT ONE MAN IS BY NO
MEANS GOING AWAY.
>> WHATEVER HAPPENS,
DONALD TRUMP IS THE CURRENT AND
FUTURE LEADER OF THE REPUBLICAN
PARTY.
CERTAINLY AT LEAST UNTIL SOMEONE
ELSE COMES ALONG WITH HIS
STAMINA, CHARISMA, AND DRIVE.
>> John: PUTTING ASIDE THE
WILDLY DIVERGENT DEFINITIONS WE
HAVE OF "STAMINA, CHARISMA,
AND DRIVE," THAT "GET OUT"
GARDEN PARTY GUEST IS RIGHT WHEN
SHE SAYS DONALD TRUMP IS HERE TO
STAY -- ALTHOUGH NOT IN OFFICE,
HOWEVER HARD HE RESISTS GOING.
AS A BIDEN CAMPAIGN SPOKESPERSON
TOLD THE PRESS THIS WEEK,
"THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT
IS PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF
ESCORTING TRESPASSERS OUT OF THE
WHITE HOUSE."
WHICH IS JUST A NICE SENTENCE TO
HEAR.
AND THERE IS GOING TO BE TIME TO
TALK ABOUT WHAT TRUMPISM IS
GOING TO MEAN GOING FORWARD,
JUST AS THERE'S GOING TO BE TIME
TO TALK ABOUT WHAT THIS WEEK
MEANS FOR THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY,
WHICH DIDN'T GET EVERYTHING THEY
HOPED FOR.
THEY LOST SEATS IN THE HOUSE,
AND THE QUESTION OF WHETHER OR
NOT THEY'LL HAVE A SENATE
MAJORITY IS DOWN TO TWO RUNOFF
ELECTIONS IN GEORGIA IN JANUARY.
BUT THE REAL TAKEAWAY OF THIS
ELECTION IS THAT THERE'S NO EASY
ANSWER TO THE QUESTION OF WHO WE
ARE.
A PERFECT EXAMPLE IS THIS:
KAMALA HARRIS IS NOW GOING TO BE
VICE PRESIDENT.
THE FIRST WOMAN VICE PRESIDENT,
THE FIRST SOUTH ASIAN AMERICAN
VICE PRESIDENT, THE FIRST BLACK
VICE PRESIDENT, AND THE SECOND
BLACK PERSON WE'VE SENT TO THE
WHITE HOUSE IN THE LAST 12
YEARS.
THAT'S INCREDIBLE.
UNFORTUNATELY, WE DID ELECT A
WHITE SUPREMACIST IN BETWEEN
THEM.
AND THE FACT IS THAT ALL OF THAT
TOGETHER IS KIND OF WHO WE ARE.
WE'RE THE COUNTRY THAT DID ALL
THOSE THINGS.
AND IT'S IMPORTANT NOT TO DENY
THAT REALITY.
AND JUST A FINAL QUICK POINT
HERE: DEFEATING TRUMP TOOK A LOT
OF WORK, MUCH OF IT BY ACTIVIST
GROUPS LED BY THOSE WITH THE
MOST TO LOSE FROM A SECOND TRUMP
TERM.
A BIG FACTOR IN THE VOTE IN
ARIZONA WAS INDIGENOUS AND
LATINO PEOPLE COMING OUT FOR
BIDEN.
AND IN PENNSYLVANIA, MICHIGAN,
AND GEORGIA, BLACK VOTERS WERE
ABSOLUTELY KEY, WITH THE GROUPS
ORGANIZING THAT VOTE,
PARTICULARLY BLACK WOMEN,
WORKING RELENTLESSLY FOR YEARS.
AND IN THE DAYS AND WEEKS AHEAD,
THERE'S LIKELY TO BE A LOT OF
TALK FROM WHITE PEOPLE ABOUT HOW
BLACK AND BROWN VOTERS "SAVED
US," WHICH KIND OF MISSES THE
POINT A LITTLE BIT, BECAUSE THEY
WEREN'T SO MUCH VOTING AS A
FAVOR FOR WHITE PEOPLE SO MUCH
AS VOTING TO PROTECT THEMSELVES
AND THEIR COMMUNITIES FROM
SOMEONE TRYING TO DO THEM ACTIVE
HARM.
ALTHOUGH THERE ARE SOME LESSONS
IN SOME OF THAT ORGANIZING.
IN GEORGIA, STACEY ABRAMS, ALONG
WITH MANY OTHERS, HELPED TO
REGISTER HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS
OF NEW VOTERS OVER THE PAST TWO
YEARS -- HALF OF THEM PEOPLE OF
COLOR -- AND TURN THEM OUT TO
THE POLLS.
IN FACT, JUST BEFORE THE
PRESIDENTIAL RACE WAS CALLED,
SHE WAS ALREADY TWEETING OUT
DETAILS ABOUT THE JANUARY 5
RUNOFF FOR SENATE AND MAKING
SURE PEOPLE REQUEST THEIR
BALLOTS.
WHY?
BECAUSE SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE'S
FUCKING DOING.
AND IF THE DEMOCRATS
ARE SMART -- WHICH THEY AREN'T
ALWAYS -- THEY SHOULD LISTEN TO
HER AND ACTIVISTS LIKE HER GOING
FORWARD.
LOOK, IT'S GOING TO BE A LONG
ROAD TO DIG US OUT OF THE PLACE
THAT THE LAST FOUR YEARS HAVE
PUT US IN, BUT THAT'S WHY IT'S
SO IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER THE
MOMENTS OF TRIUMPH THIS WEEK HAS
PROVIDED.
RITCHIE TORRES AND
MONDAIRE JONES BECAME
THE FIRST GAY BLACK MEN ELECTED
TO CONGRESS.
CORI BUSH, A BLACK LIVES MATTER
ACTIVIST, IS MISSOURI'S FIRST
BLACK CONGRESSWOMAN.
IN DELAWARE, SARAH McBRIDE
BECAME THE COUNTRY'S FIRST
OPENLY TRANSGENDER STATE
SENATOR.
MULTIPLE COUNTIES ELECTED
REFORM-MINDED PROSECUTORS AND
SHERIFFS.
FLORIDA VOTED TO INCREASE THE
MINIMUM WAGE, AND EVERY STATE
THAT HAD A MARIJUANA INITIATIVE
ON THE BALLOT APPROVED IT.
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, DESPITE
HIS LIES, HIS OBSTRUCTIONS, AND
HIS DEPRESSINGLY POPULAR RACISM,
THIS GUY FUCKING LOST.
DO YOU REALIZE WHAT THAT MEANS?
ONE, HE'S SAD RIGHT NOW -- WHICH
IS GREAT.
BUT ALSO, NO MORE STEPHEN MILLER
AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
NO MORE STEVE MNUCHIN -- HATE TO
SEE HIM GO, LOVE TO WATCH
HIM WALK AWAY.
NO MORE HELICOPTER SHOUTING
TIME.
I'M NOT GOING TO MISS THAT.
NO MORE MIKE PENCE OR
BETSY DeVOS OR JARED.
NO MORE FUCKING JARED.
AND THERE'LL BE BIG SYSTEMIC,
INSTITUTIONAL PROBLEMS WE NEED
TO TALK ABOUT IN THE MONTHS AND
THE YEARS TO COME -- AND WE
WILL, BECAUSE FOR SOME REASON,
THIS IS THE LIFE I'VE CHOSEN.
BUT FOR NOW, AFTER WHAT'S JUST
HAPPENED, I FRANKLY THINK WE'VE
ALL EARNED THE RIGHT TO PUT ON
OUR MASKS, GO OUTSIDE, AND PARTY
LIKE OCTOPUSES ON FUCKING
ECSTASY.
AND NOW, THIS.
>> Announcer: AND NOW, AT THE
END OF A LONG, EXHAUSTING WEEK,
IT DUMPS.
>> THERE HAVE BEEN NO HICCUPS,
SO TO SPEAK ABOUT JUST WAITING
FOR THAT BIG DUMP.
>> ON CUE TO GETTING WHAT SHOULD
BE A PRETTY BIG DUMP.
>> WE'VE GOT A DUMP, LAURA, IT 0
EAST COAST TIME.
>> BE EXPECTING OF THE DEPOSIT
DUMP.
>> SO FAR THE FIRST DUMP YOUR
LOOK PRETTY GOOD.
>> TWO DUMPS TODAY.
>> I THINK YOU WILL SEE A BIG
DUMP TODAY.
>> SEE A BIG DUMP EARLY IN THE
EVENING.
>> AND SLOWER WE ANTICIPATED, WE
EXPECTED A BIG DUMB.
>> WE SHOULD POINT OUT IT'S NOT
GOING TO BE ONE DUMB.
>> HE IS WAITING FOR A BIG DUMB.
>> ABOUT 9:30, WE ARE GOING TO
GET A BIG DUMP.
>> I WAS TOLD WE WERE GOING TO
GET THIS ONE GIANT DUMP IN THE
WALK YOU.
THAT'S GOING TO BE A HUGE DUMP.
>> THEY DID THE BIG DUMB.
>> I TOLD YOU, THAT'S WHAT THEY
DO.
>> DONALD TRUMP GOT A LITTLE BIT
OF BENEFIT OF THAT LAST DUMP.
>> John: THAT'S OUR SHOW,
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WATCHING.
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
GOOD NIGHT.
♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]