♪ ♪
>> John: HI THERE!
WELCOME TO THE SHOW, STILL
COMING TO YOU FROM THIS BLANK
VOID.
ENTERTAINMENT'S MOST UPSETTING
BASTION OF WHITENESS, NOT
COUNTING THE HOLLYWOOD FOREIGN
PRESS ASSOCIATION.
IT'S BEEN ANOTHER BUSY WEEK.
BIDEN MET WITH G7 LEADERS,
JEFF BEZOS ANNOUNCED HE'LL BE
HEADING TO SPACE ON THE WORLD'S
FIRST CIRCUMCISED SPACECRAFT,
AND AN INTERNET CONSPIRACY ABOUT
PEOPLE BECOMING MAGNETIC AFTER
GETTING VACCINATED TURNED UP AT
THE OHIO STATE HOUSE:
>> WE WERE TALKING ABOUT
DR. TENPENNY'S TESTIMONY ABOUT
MAGNETIC VACCINE CRYSTALS.
SO THIS IS WHAT I FOUND OUT.
SO I HAVE A KEY AND A BOBBY PIN
HERE.
EXPLAIN TO ME WHY THE KEY STICKS
TO ME.
IT STICKS TO MY NECK TOO.
YEAH, SO IF SOMEBODY CAN
EXPLAIN THIS, THAT WOULD BE
GREAT.
>> John: UM, SURE, I CAN TRY TO
EXPLAIN WHAT THIS IS -- VERY
BASICALLY, PUBLIC EDUCATION IS
HORRIBLY UNDERFUNDED AND
SCIENTIFIC LITERACY IS NOWHERE
NEAR WHAT IT SHOULD BE IN THIS
COUNTRY, CREATING A VACUUM OF
TRUST IN LEGITIMATE RESEARCH.
MEANWHILE, PEOPLE TEND TO SEEK
OUT THE MINIMUM AMOUNT OF
INFORMATION THAT LETS THEM KEEP
BELIEVING WHAT THEY ALREADY
BELIEVE -- IN YOUR CASE, THAT
YOU'RE PRIVY TO SECRET KNOWLEDGE
ABOUT A GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY TO
MAGNETIZE THE PEOPLE OF OHIO.
ALL OF THAT IS PROBABLY WHY YOU
FELT CONFIDENT ENOUGH TO TRUST
SOME BULLSHIT YOU READ ONLINE SO
MUCH YOU WERE WILLING TO LOOK
LIKE A COMPLETE ASSHOLE IN FRONT
OF ALL THESE PEOPLE.
OH, AND IF YOU JUST MEANT THE
KEY THING -- PEOPLE ARE
SOMETIMES STICKY.
WE'RE ALL KIND OF MOIST AND
GROSS AND KEYS STICK TO US
SOMETIMES.
THAT'S IT.
MEANWHILE, IN NEW YORK, THE NEWS
HAS BEEN DOMINATED BY THE RACE
FOR MAYOR.
EARLY VOTING IN THE PRIMARIES
STARTED YESTERDAY, AND FOR THE
FIRST TIME, THE CITY'S USING
RANKED CHOICE VOTING --
SOMETHING THE CURRENT MAYOR
CHOSE TO EXPLAIN BY IMAGINING A
PIZZA-TOPPING ELECTION:
>> GREEN PEPPERS, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, RIGHT HERE, MY NUMBER
ONE CHOICE.
NOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T
APPRECIATE GREEN PEPPERS ENOUGH.
NUMBER TWO: OLIVES, OKAY?
THIS ONE'S A LITTLE
CONTROVERSIAL.
USUALLY IT'S BLACK OLIVES, COULD
BE GREEN OLIVES, SOME PEOPLE
THINK OLIVES BELONG ON A PIZZA,
SOME PEOPLE ARE REALLY AGAINST
IT, BUT I HAVE HAD VERY GOOD
EXPERIENCES WITH OLIVES.
>> John: THAT IS UNHINGED.
GREEN PEPPERS AS YOUR NUMBER ONE
CHOICE?
GREEN PEPPERS AREN'T EVEN MY
NUMBER ONE PEPPER.
THEY'RE JUST UNRIPE RED ONES.
THERE ISN'T EVEN A GREEN PEPPER
CHARACTER IN THE "VEGGIETALES"
UNIVERSE, BECAUSE THEY DISPROVE
THE EXISTENCE OF A LOVING GOD.
AND YOUR SECOND CHOICE IS
OLIVES?
ON A PIZZA?
THAT YOU PLAN TO EAT WITH YOUR
ACTUAL MOUTH?
UNACCEPTABLE, BILL!
THE RACE FOR THE DEMOCRATIC
NOMINEE IS VERY MUCH IN FLUX.
MAYA WILEY HAS BEEN SHORING UP
PROGRESSIVE SUPPORT, WHILE A
CONSISTENT FRONTRUNNER, FORMER
POLICE OFFICER ERIC ADAMS, HAD
TO DEFEND HIMSELF THIS WEEK FROM
A PRETTY UNUSUAL ATTACK.
>> DEMOCRAT ERIC ADAMS, A
LEADING CONTENDER IN NEW YORK
CITY'S MAYORAL RACE, TODAY
INSISTING HE REALLY DOES LIVE IN
NEW YORK.
>> THIS IS OUR SMALL, HUMBLE
KITCHEN.
>> TAKING REPORTERS ON A TOUR OF
HIS BROOKLYN PAD AFTER A
POLITICO PIECE RAISED QUESTIONS
ABOUT WHETHER OTHER TENANTS WERE
REALLY LIVING IN THE APARTMENT,
IF ADAMS IS SPENDING HIS TIME AT
A PROPERTY HE OWNS WITH HIS
PARTNER IN NEW JERSEY, OR IF HIS
HOME IS ACTUALLY HIS OFFICE.
>> John: YEAH.
ERIC ADAMS HAD TO GIVE REPORTERS
A TOUR OF A BROOKLYN APARTMENT
TO PROVE HE LIVED THERE AND NOT
IN NEW JERSEY.
WHICH ALREADY DOESN'T LOOK GOOD,
PARTLY BECAUSE HE ATTACKED
ANDREW YANG FOR LEAVING THE CITY
DURING THE PANDEMIC AND PARTLY
BECAUSE HIS ARGUMENT THAT HE
LIVES IN THAT BASEMENT APARTMENT
RAISES MANY MORE QUESTIONS THAN
IT ANSWERS.
TWITTER DETECTIVES FLAGGED
INCONSISTENCIES -- LIKE THE FACT
THAT, IN 2017, ADAMS TWEETED A
PHOTOGRAPH OF HIS #PlantBased
FRIDGE IN #BedStuy.
BUT ON THIS WEEK'S TOUR, THAT
PLANT-BASED FRIDGE WAS NOWHERE
TO BE FOUND.
BECAUSE THIS WAS THE FRIDGE IN
THE APARTMENT, WHICH YOU MIGHT
NOTICE PROMINENTLY FEATURES
SALMON, SOMETHING ADAMS CLAIMS
BELONGS TO HIS SON, WHO LIVES
THERE WITH HIM.
ALTHOUGH EVERYTHING ABOUT THAT
APARTMENT -- FROM THE DECOR TO
THE FRIDGE -- SUGGESTS IT'S
ACTUALLY HIS SON WHO LIVES
THERE AND ADAMS WHO MIGHT
OCCASIONALLY STAY WITH HIM.
AND LOOK, IS THIS THE MOST
IMPORTANT THING?
NO, NOT REALLY.
BUT IT IS WEIRD, AND THE WAY
HE'S CHOOSING TO HANDLE IT IS
EVEN WEIRDER.
AND THE THING IS, THAT'S NOT
EVEN THE STRANGEST HOUSE TOUR
ADAMS HAS GIVEN, BECAUSE AS A
STATE SENATOR IN 2011, HE
RELEASED THIS VIDEO TEACHING
PARENTS HOW TO SEARCH FOR
CONTRABAND THEIR KIDS MIGHT BE
HIDING:
>> A JEWELRY BOX OF THIS NATURE
MAY BE A SIMPLE JEWELRY BOX, BUT
IF YOU LOOK THROUGH IT CLOSELY,
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR CHILD
MAY BE HIDING.
FOR INSTANCE, A GUN COULD BE
HIDDEN.
A SMALL-CALIBER WEAPON COULD BE
HIDDEN INSIDE A JEWELRY BOX.
WHEN YOUR CHILD BRING IN HIS
POPULAR KNAPSACK WITH MANY
DIFFERENT LOCATIONS.
LOOK THROUGH IT TO SEE WHAT
EXACTLY IS YOUR CHILD CARRYING
IN ADDITION TO A BOOK?
SOMETHING SIMPLE AS A CRACK
PIPE, A USED CRACK PIPE.
BEHIND A PICTURE FRAME YOU COULD
FIND BULLETS.
A BABY DOLL -- COULD BE JUST A
BABY DOLL BUT ALSO IT COULD BE A
PLACE WHERE YOU COULD SECRETE OR
HIDE DRUGS.
>> John: HONESTLY, THAT'S ALL
GREAT, FROM THE BULLETS BEHIND
THE PICTURE FRAME TO THE
"POPULAR KNAPSACK" TO THE WEIRD
MUSIC.
BUT I WANT TO FOCUS ON THE DOLL.
BECAUSE WHAT DOES ERIC ADAMS
THINK A CHILD IS?
IN HIS SCENARIO, YOUR CHILD IS
YOUNG ENOUGH TO BE PLAYING WITH
BABY DOLLS YET ALSO OLD ENOUGH
TO BE DOING DRUGS.
WHAT YEAR OF LIFE ENCOMPASSES
BOTH THOSE ACTIVITIES?
SIX AND A HALF?
MAYBE?
LOOK, ERIC ADAMS IS CLEARLY A
VERY ODD MAN,
BUT HE'S NOT ALONE IN THAT.
ONE OF HIS CLOSEST RIVALS IS
ANDREW YANG -- THE ANSWER TO THE
QUESTION, "WHAT IF THE CONCEPT
OF 'DABBING' WAS A PERSON?" --
WHO, ON NATIONAL PETS DAY,
POSTED, "CELEBRATING OUR DOG,
GRIZZLY, WHO WE RAISED AS A
PUPPY BUT HAD TO GIVE AWAY
BECAUSE ONE OF OUR BOYS BECAME
ALLERGIC TO HIM.
MISS YOU, GRIZZ!
#DogsForYang."
AND IF YOU GAVE AWAY YOUR DOG,
YOU CAN JUST NOT POST ANYTHING
ON NATIONAL PETS DAY.
EVEN IF YOU HAVE A DOG, YOU
DON'T HAVE TO POST ANYTHING.
YOUR DOG'S NOT GOING TO CARE
EITHER WAY.
DOGS DON'T KNOW WHAT TWITTER IS.
IT'S WHY THEY'RE HAPPY.
AND OTHER CANDIDATES HAVE BEEN
FUCKING UP SOME PRETTY BASIC
QUESTIONS.
>> AS THE "NEW YORK TIMES"
GRILLED THE CANDIDATES, SOME
WERE STUMPED WHEN ASKED IF THEY
COULD NAME THE MEDIAN PURCHASE
PRICE OF A HOME IN BROOKLYN.
RAY McGUIRE, A BANKING
EXECUTIVE, SAID, "IT'S GOT TO BE
SOMEWHERE IN THE $80,000 TO
$90,000 RANGE, IF NOT HIGHER."
AND SHAUN DONOVAN, FORMER
FEDERAL HOUSING SECRETARY, HE
SAID, "IN BROOKLYN, HUH?
I DON'T KNOW FOR SURE.
I WOULD GUESS IT'S AROUND
$100,000."
>> John: WELL, YOU GUESSED
WRONG, BECAUSE THE NUMBER IS
ACTUALLY $900,000.
WHICH IS A REAL PROBLEM,
BECAUSE IF THESE GUYS WANT TO
RUN A CITY WITH AN AFFORDABLE
HOUSING CRISIS, THEY MIGHT WANT
TO LOOK AT THE TOP ZILLOW SEARCH
RESULT FOR BROOKLYN HOMES ON
SALE FOR LESS THAN $100,000,
WHICH IS -- AND THIS IS TRUE --
THIS EMPTY LOT THAT LOOKS LIKE
THE SETTING OF A FILTHY PIGEON
ORGY.
BUT IF SOME CANDIDATES HAVE
SEEMED OUT-OF-TOUCH, OTHERS HAVE
SEEMED A LITTLE TOO EAGER TO
SHARE.
WHEN "NEW YORK MAGAZINE" ASKED
ALL THE CANDIDATES ABOUT THE
ITEMS THEY CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT,
REPUBLICAN FERNANDO MATEO
OFFERED UP, "QUILTED NORTHERN
ULTRA PLUSH TOILET PAPER,"
EXPLAINING, "I HAVE BIG, STRONG
HANDS, SO I NEED TOILET PAPER
THAT WON'T BREAK WHEN I'M WIPING
MY BUTT."
AND THAT'S ALREADY GREAT -- IT'S
FUNNY, CANDID, AND HE SAYS
"WIPING MY BUTT."
IT'S EXCELLENT.
BUT HE DIDN'T STOP THERE.
BECAUSE HE CONTINUED, "THIS HAS
THAT TOUGHNESS, BUT IT'S SOFT
ENOUGH FOR MY SENSITIVE AREAS."
SO ALREADY SOMETHING THAT
STARTED AS A PUFF PIECE ABOUT
FAVORITE PRODUCTS HAS TURNED
INTO MATEO FORCING YOU TO THINK
ABOUT HIS SENSITIVE ANUS.
AND HE CLOSES STRONG, SAYING,
"I'VE USED OTHER TOILET PAPER
AND MY HAND HAS RIPPED RIGHT
THROUGH IT.
IT'S A MESS."
I USUALLY WRAP THE PAPER AROUND
MY HEAD A FEW TIMES JUST SO IT
DOESN'T BREAK."
AND COME ON!
NOW WE'RE IN AN EXISTENTIAL
TRAGEDY.
HE'S LIKE LENNIE SMALL OR
FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER -- A
PHYSICAL BEHEMOTH ENRAPTURED BY
THE LURE OF SOFT BEAUTY, BUT
SADLY, THESE CURSED BRUTE HANDS
KNOW ONLY DESTRUCTION.
IT'S JUST MAGNIFICENT.
IF MATEO DOESN'T GET ELECTED
MAYOR, HE'D AT LEAST MAKE A
MUCH BETTER TOILET PAPER
SPOKESMAN THAN THOSE WEIRD
SHITTING BEARS.
AND LOOK, IF YOU'RE THINKING,
"THERE SURE ARE A LOT OF WEIRDOS
RUNNING FOR MAYOR OF NEW YORK,"
YEAH, OF COURSE THERE ARE.
BECAUSE BEING A WEIRDO IN THIS
CITY ISN'T A DISQUALIFIER, IT'S
A PREREQUISITE.
THINK ABOUT IT: OUR LAST THREE
MAYORS WERE 9/11 NOSFERATU, A
BILLIONAIRE ELF, AND THE GOOBER
THAT YOU JUST SAW SAY OUT LOUD,
"I HAVE HAD VERY GOOD
EXPERIENCES WITH OLIVES."
"WEIRD" IS KIND OF A JOB
REQUIREMENT.
AND WHILE IT WOULD BE GREAT IF
CANDIDATES COULD BE GOOD AT
OTHER STUFF AS WELL, THERE'S NO
DENYING THAT THE NEW YORK
MAYOR'S OFFICE ISN'T JUST AN
OPPORTUNITY FOR INNOVATIVE
LEADERSHIP, IT'S ALSO A CALLING
TO SPEND AT LEAST FOUR YEARS AS
THE WEIRD PERSON ON TV EVERYONE
GETS MAD AT FOR EATING PIZZA
WRONG.
AND NOW THIS.
>> Announcer: AND NOW, SOMEONE
PLEASE STOP STUART VARNEY I'M
SAYING THIS.
>> COME BACK TO THE SHOW ANYTIME
YOU LIKE, OKAY?
>> IT'S MY FAVORITE SHOW.
I HOPE TO BE BACK SOON.
>> FLATTERY IS THE MOTHER'S MILK
OF TELEVISION.
>> FLATTERY IS THE MOTHER'S MILK
OF TELEVISION.
DON'T YOU FORGET IT.
FLATTERY IS THE MOTHER'S MILK OF
TELEVISION.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
FLATTERY IS THE MOTHER'S MILK OF
TELEVISION.
FLATTERY IS THE MOTHER'S MILK OF
TELEVISION.
FLATTERY IS THE MOTHER'S MILK OF
TELEVISION.
THE MOTHER'S MILK OF TELEVISION.
FLATTERY.
FLATTERY IS THE MOTHER'S MILK OF
TELEVISION.
THAT'S VERY GOOD STUFF.
FLATTERY IS THE MOTHER'S MILK.
FLATTERY IS THE MOTHER'S MILK
OF TELEVISION.
>> IT'S TRUE THOUGH.
>> John: MOVING ON.
OUR MAIN STORY TONIGHT CONCERNS
THE FACT THAT SUMMER'S HERE!
IT'S BEEN GETTING HOTTER AND
HOTTER OUTSIDE, SO WE THOUGHT,
"WHY NOT TAKE A BREAK AND HAVE
SOME SUMMER FUN?
WE'RE ALLOWED TO HAVE SOME
SUMMER FUN, RIGHT?"
SO TONIGHT, WE'RE GOING TO TALK
ABOUT POPSICLES.
THERE ARE TONS OF THEM IN
AMERICA,
AND WHEN THEY GET TOO HOT, IT
CAN BE A REAL PROBLEM.
SORRY -- DID I SAY POPSICLES?
I MEANT PRISONS.
WE'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT
PRISONS.
THERE ARE TONS OF THEM IN
AMERICA.
AND WHEN THEY GET TOO HOT, IT
CAN BE A REAL PROBLEM.
DON'T ACT SURPRISED.
YOU KNEW NO FUN WAS HAPPENING
HERE.
DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT OUR
"SUMMER FUN" EPISODE WAS THIS
TIME LAST YEAR?
"VOTING BY MAIL."
DON'T BE MAD AT ME.
BE MAD AT YOURSELF.
YOU CHOSE TO BE HERE.
AND LOOK, THE FACT IS, HEAT IN
PRISONS IS A BIG PROBLEM.
WE'VE TALKED REPEATEDLY ABOUT
THE INJUSTICES OF MASS
INCARCERATION AND HOW LITTLE
SOCIETY SEEMS TO CARE.
AND A PRETTY GOOD EXAMPLE OF
THAT IS THE FACT THAT IN
SOME OF THE HOTTEST AREAS OF THE
COUNTRY -- THESE STATES -- OVER
HALF THE PRISONS LACK
AIR CONDITIONING IN
THEIR HOUSING AREAS.
AND IN TEXAS, THAT'S THE CASE IN
NEARLY 75% OF THEIR PRISONS.
AND THAT IS NOT GOOD, BECAUSE IN
SUMMER, THE HEAT INDEX INSIDE OF
THEM CAN HIT 150 DEGREES.
PLUS, THERE'S A GROWING
POPULATION OF OLDER PRISONERS
WHOSE AGE MAKES THEM MORE
SUSCEPTIBLE TO THE HEAT, AND
OVER 40% OF INCARCERATED PEOPLE
HAVE A CHRONIC MEDICAL
CONDITION, RAISING THEIR RISK OF
HEAT STROKE.
SO A LOT OF THEM WORRY ABOUT
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE WEATHER
TURNS HOT.
>> I HAVE HEART DISEASE, HIGH
BLOOD PRESSURE, DIABETES.
THAT'S THREE CONDITIONS THAT
EVEN TDC ADMITS COULD MAKE A
PERSON SUSCEPTIBLE TO EXTREME
HEAT CONDITIONS.
SO MY HEART HAS TO WORK A
WHOLE LOT HARDER THAN THE
AVERAGE GUY JUST TO TRY TO COOL
MY BODY DOWN.
AND AS A RESULT, I SUFFER FROM
EXTREME CHEST PAINS.
ON DAYS WHERE IT'S EXTREMELY
HOT, I GET SICK REAL FAST.
>> John: THAT IS REMARKABLY
DANGEROUS.
AND I'D ARGUE THAT THE ONLY TIME
GETTING MURDERED BY THE HEAT IS
ACCEPTABLE IS IF YOU'VE
COMMITTED THE CRIME OF BEING A
LOBSTER.
BUT UNLESS YOU HAPPEN TO BE A
TASTY SEA WEIRDO WITH EDIBLE
ARMS AND A PILE OF SCRUMPTIOUS
ASS MEAT THAT PAIRS BEAUTIFULLY
WITH MELTED BUTTER, I'M GONNA
SAY THAT THAT IS VERY WRONG.
AND PHYSICAL CONDITIONS ARE JUST
ONE PART OF THIS.
PRISONS ALSO HOUSE AN INCREASING
NUMBER OF PEOPLE WITH MENTAL
HEALTH CONCERNS WHO REQUIRE
MEDICATIONS THAT CAN COMPROMISE
THEIR BODY'S ABILITY TO REGULATE
TEMPERATURE, SO MANY AVOID
TAKING THEIR MEDICATIONS WHEN
IT'S HOT, WHICH MAY EXPLAIN WHY
THERE IS AN INCREASE IN THE
FREQUENCY OF SUICIDE WATCHES AND
SELF-HARM BEHAVIORS DURING THE
SUMMER MONTHS.
THIS SITUATION IS SO BAD, THE
U.N. COMMITTEE AGAINST TORTURE
HAS EXPRESSED PARTICULAR CONCERN
ABOUT DEATHS FROM EXTREME HEAT
EXPOSURE IN PRISON FACILITIES IN
TEXAS.
AND WHILE YOU PROBABLY ASSUMED
TEXAS PRISONS WERE BAD, MAYBE
NOT "INTERNATIONAL HUMAN RIGHTS
WATCH LIST" BAD.
AND JUST TO GET THIS OUT OF THE
WAY: IF ANYONE IS THINKING,
"WELL, COME ONE, IT'S PRISON,
THESE CRIMINALS SHOULDN'T BE
COMFORTABLE."
FIRST, FUCK YOU.
THEY'RE HUMAN BEINGS WHO, I'D
ARGUE, DESERVE HUMANE TREATMENT
REGARDLESS OF WHAT THEY DID.
BUT EVEN IF YOU'RE FULLY ON
BOARD WITH OUR CURRENT SYSTEM OF
PUNITIVE JUSTICE ON A RIDICULOUS
SCALE, YOU SHOULD KNOW, EVEN
SOME OF THOSE UPHOLDING THIS
SYSTEM FIND THE CURRENT
SITUATION INDEFENSIBLE.
JUST LISTEN TO THE FORMER HEAD
OF ONE CORRECTIONAL OFFICERS
UNION:
>> YOU KNOW, I DON'T HAVE LOVE
FOR THESE PEOPLE.
WE'RE NOT TRYING TO MAKE THIS
LUSH AND -- WE'RE TRYING TO MAKE
IT HUMANE.
THESE ARE THIRD WORLD
CONDITIONS.
WE'RE SUPPOSED TO RUN PRISONS,
NOT CONCENTRATION CAMPS.
THESE ARE INSTITUTIONS FOR
INCARCERATION.
THE INCARCERATION IS THEIR
PUNISHMENT, NOT -- NOT COOKING
THEM TO DEATH.
>> John: RIGHT.
AND JUST TAKE A MOMENT TO ABSORB
THE SENTENCE, "WE'RE SUPPOSED TO
RUN PRISONS, NOT CONCENTRATION
CAMPS."
IF SOMEONE HELPING TO RUN A
SYSTEM IS COMPARING IT TO A
CONCENTRATION CAMP, THINGS HAVE
GOTTEN WAY OUT OF HAND.
IF SOMEONE SAID, "WE'RE SUPPOSED
TO RUN A QUIZNOS, NOT A
CONCENTRATION CAMP," YOU'D
SERIOUSLY QUESTION WHAT THE FUCK
IS GOING ON AT THAT QUIZNOS.
SO TONIGHT, LET'S TALK ABOUT
HEAT IN PRISONS.
AND LET'S START WITH THE OBVIOUS
QUESTION HERE: IF PRISONS ARE
TOO HOT -- WHICH MANY CLEARLY
ARE -- WHY NOT PUT IN
AIR CONDITIONING?
AND THAT DOES SEEM LIKE A PRETTY
EASY FIX.
BUT WHENEVER IT'S BROUGHT UP,
LAWMAKERS AND PRISON OFFICIALS
HAVE CLAIMED THEY SIMPLY CAN'T
AFFORD IT.
ALTHOUGH, WHEN MAKING THAT
ARGUMENT, THEY'VE OCCASIONALLY
BEEN SLIGHTLY MORE HONEST THAN
THEY WERE PERHAPS PLANNING, LIKE
WHEN THIS TEXAS STATE SENATOR
APPEARED ON LOCAL RADIO.
>> YOU KNOW, WE CAN TALK ABOUT
THIS ALL DAY, IT'S NOT GONNA
CHANGE.
THE PRISONS ARE HOT.
THEY'RE UNCOMFORTABLE.
AND THE REAL SOLUTION IS, DON'T
COMMIT A CRIME AND YOU STAY AT
HOME AND BE COOL.
WE'RE NOT GONNA AIR CONDITION
THEM.
ONE, WE DON'T WANT TO.
NUMBER TWO, WE COULDN'T AFFORD
IT IF WE WANTED TO.
>> John: WELL, HOLD ON THERE.
LET'S BACK UP TO NUMBER ONE.
SHALL WE?
"WE DON'T WANT TO."
BECAUSE AFTER YOU SAY THAT, IT
DOESN'T REALLY MATTER WHAT YOU
SAY NEXT.
IF PEOPLE DON'T CARE ABOUT
FIXING A PROBLEM, THEY'RE JUST
NOT GOING TO FIX IT, HOWEVER
SIMPLE THE SOLUTION IS.
IT'S WHY YOUR SOFTWARE UPDATE
STILL INTERRUPTS YOU EVERY
SINGLE DAY.
SURE, YOU COULD JUST CLICK ON
THE ALERT AND FOLLOW THE BASIC
STEPS TO MAKE THE UPDATES.
BUT HAVE YOU DONE THAT?
OF COURSE NOT!
WHY?
BECAUSE YOU COULD NOT GIVE ONE
SINGLE, SOLITARY FUCK.
AND IT SEEMS TEXAS IN PARTICULAR
REALLY DOESN'T WANT TO PUT IN
AIR CONDITIONING.
IT ACTUALLY SPENT $7 MILLION ON
A LAWSUIT TO FIGHT INSTALLING AC
IN ONE PRISON'S HOUSING AREA,
DESPITE THE FACT THE ESTIMATED
COST OF INSTALLATION WAS ONLY
AROUND $4 MILLION.
AND THEY'VE ALSO THROWN SOME
SUSPICIOUSLY HIGH ESTIMATES
AROUND.
THEY ONCE CLAIMED IT WOULD COST
$109 MILLION TO INSTALL AC IN A
UNIT FOR DEVELOPMENTALLY
DISABLED PRISONERS, EVEN THOUGH
THE ENTIRE HOUSING UNIT COST
JUST $26 MILLION TO BUILD.
AND LOOK, I ADMIT, I DON'T KNOW
MUCH ABOUT AC INSTALLATION.
IF YOU POINTED AT A RANDOM
BUILDING AND SAID, "IT COST
$10,000 TO INSTALL AC IN THERE,"
I'D SAY, "OKAY, SURE," AND IF
YOU POINTED AT ANOTHER ONE AND
SAID, "IT COST $3 MILLION TO
INSTALL IT IN THERE," I WOULD
SAY, "YEAH, MAKES SENSE."
BUT IF YOU POINTED AT A BUILDING
AND SAID, "IT COST FOUR TIMES
THE PRICE OF THAT BUILDING TO
INSTALL AC IN IT," I'D SAY, "I
THINK YOU SOMEHOW KNOW LESS
ABOUT AIR CONDITIONING THAN I
DO."
AND THAT "TOO EXPENSIVE"
ARGUMENT GETS EVEN HARDER TO
TAKE WHEN YOU CONSIDER THAT, IN
SOME PRISONS, THERE IS CLIMATE
CONTROL, JUST NOT FOR THE
PRISONERS.
BECAUSE SOME HAVE AC IN STAFF
OFFICES.
AND THEN THERE'S THIS:
>> TWO YEARS AGO, PRISON
OFFICIALS SPENT MORE THAN
$700,000 ON NEW
CLIMATE-CONTROLLED HOUSING
FACILITIES.
FOR PRISONERS, NO.
FOR THE PRISONS' IN-HOUSE PIG
FARMS.
OFFICIALS SAY THE COOLING
SYSTEMS ARE, "CONSISTENT WITH
ANY SWINE OPERATION."
>> John: LOOK, I'M NOT AGAINST
PIGS GETTING TREATED
COMFORTABLY.
I LOVE PIGS -- THEIR SPRINGY
TAILS, THEIR TOO-BIG EARS, THEIR
STUPID FLAT NOSES, AND THEIR
HORRIBLE EYES -- PIGS ARE LIKE
BIG CHUBBY DOGS YOU CAN EAT AT
CHRISTMAS.
I JUST QUESTION PRIORITIZING
THEIR COMFORT OVER HUMANS'.
AND THE THING IS, CORRECTIONS
SYSTEMS DO SEEM TO ACKNOWLEDGE
THAT THEY DO HAVE A PROBLEM WITH
HEAT -- IT'S JUST, THEY OFTEN
TRY TO TREAT IT WITH RIDICULOUS
HALF-MEASURES.
THE TEXAS PRISON SYSTEM EVEN
PRODUCED THIS VIDEO ON WHAT
STAFF SHOULD DO WHEN THEY SEE
SOMEONE ABOUT TO PASS OUT FROM
HEAT EXHAUSTION.
>> IF CONSCIOUS AND ALERT, HAVE
THE PERSON DRINK WATER OR A
REHYDRATING SPORTS DRINK.
DO NOT GIVE THEM CAFFEINATED
DRINKS AS THESE WILL CONTRIBUTE
TO FURTHER DEHYDRATION.
SPRINKLE OR SPRAY THEM WITH
WATER AND APPLY COOL WATER OR
WET CLOTHS TO THE PERSON'S NECK,
ARMPITS, AND GROIN.
FAN THE PERSON IF THERE IS NO
BREEZE.
>> John: OKAY.
FLICKING WATER IN THEIR FACE AND
FANNING THEM WITH A CLIPBOARD IS
JUST NOT GOING TO CUT IT.
AND AT THAT POINT, IT MAKES JUST
AS MUCH SENSE TO RECOMMEND,
"LICK THE PERSON'S SWEAT OFF
THEIR FOREHEAD," OR "RUB THEM
WITH A DVD OF
'CAPTAIN PHILLIPS.'"
SURE, IT'S TECHNICALLY A
GESTURE, BUT IT'S NOT GOING TO
DO MUCH.
THE PROBLEM IS, WHEN PRISONS USE
THINGS LIKE LARGE FANS AND WATER
MISTERS, THEY ONLY HELP TO A
CERTAIN THRESHOLD OF HEAT.
BEYOND IT, THEY CAN ACTUALLY
MAKE THINGS WORSE.
WATER MISTERS INCREASE HUMIDITY,
AND THE CDC HAS EXPLICITLY SAID
IT DOES NOT RECOMMEND THE USE OF
FANS ABOVE A 95-DEGREE HEAT
INDEX, AS THEY ACTUALLY INCREASE
HEAT STRESS BY BLOWING AIR THAT
IS WARMER THAN THE BODY'S
TEMPERATURE.
AND DANGEROUS SITUATIONS GET
COMPOUNDED BY THE FACT THAT WHEN
HEAT-RELATED ISSUES OCCUR,
PRISONS CAN SHOW VERY LITTLE
URGENCY IN ADDRESSING THEM.
TAKE WHAT HAPPENED TO
LARRY McCOLLUM.
HE WAS SERVING AN 11-MONTH
SENTENCE FOR CASHING A BAD CHECK
AND BEGAN SHOWING SYMPTOMS OF
HEAT STROKE, BUT EMS WASN'T
CALLED UNTIL OVER 40 MINUTES
AFTER HE WAS FOUND CONVULSING.
WHEN McCOLLUM FINALLY ARRIVED AT
THE HOSPITAL, HIS BODY
TEMPERATURE WAS 109 DEGREES.
AND HE DIED DAYS LATER.
AND WHEN THAT PRISON'S WARDEN
WAS QUESTIONED ABOUT THE DELAY
IN MEDICAL TREATMENT, THIS WAS
HIS RIDICULOUS RESPONSE.
>> IF YOU RE AT HOME AND YOUR
WIFE WAS HAVING A HEART ATTACK
AND YOU CALLED 911 AND IT TOOK A
HALF HOUR FOR THEM TO ARRIVE,
WOULD YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH
THAT?
>> THAT'S SPECULATING.
I DON'T KNOW -- I WOULDN'T KNOW
IF SHE HAD A HEART ATTACK OR
NOT.
>> OKAY.
I WOULD HAVE A PROBLEM WITH
THAT, JUST LETTING YOU KNOW.
OKAY?
IF MY WIFE WAS HAVING A HEART
ATTACK AND I CALLED 911 AND IT
TOOK A HALF HOUR FOR AN
AMBULANCE TO ARRIVE.
YOU DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE
SAYING THAT YOU TOO WOULD HAVE
AN ISSUE WITH THAT?
>> I WOULD NOT.
I WOULD HAVE TO FIGURE OUT
WHETHER IT'S A HEART ATTACK OR
NOT.
>> OKAY.
>> COULD BE JUST BAD CHILI.
>> John: WHAT THE FUCK?
FIRST, NO ONE WOULD EVER CONFUSE
SOMEONE HAVING VIOLENT
CONVULSIONS WITH HAVING BAD
CHILI.
SECOND, BAD CHILI HAS A NAME,
AND IT'S CALLED HORMEL.
SHOW SOME RESPECT TO THAT CAN OF
BEAN NIGHTMARES.
AND FINALLY, GUESSING YOUR
WIFE'S HEART ATTACK MIGHT BE
JUST "BAD CHILI" IS A TERRIBLE
ANSWER, NOT ONLY BECAUSE THAT'S
NOT HOW HEART ATTACKS WORK, IT'S
ALSO NOT HOW HYPOTHETICALS WORK.
IN THIS SCENARIO, YOUR WIFE IS
HAVING A HEART ATTACK.
YOU CAN'T JUST IGNORE THE
PREMISE.
IF SOMEONE ASKS, "IF YOU COULD
HAVE DINNER WITH ANYONE, LIVING
OR DEAD, WHO WOULD YOU CHOOSE,"
YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO SAY, "NO,
THANKS, I ALREADY ATE."
THAT'S NOT THE POINT OF THE
QUESTION.
AND AMAZINGLY, AS BAD AS THAT
RESPONSE WAS, IT WASN'T EVEN THE
WORST MOMENT IN HIS DEPOSITION,
BECAUSE MONTHS LATER, HE WAS
ASKED ABOUT HOW THE POPULATION
OF HIS PRISON MIGHT BE MORE
SUSCEPTIBLE TO HEAT-RELATED
ILLNESS.
AND JUST WATCH THIS INFURIATING
EXCHANGE.
>> DO YOU SUSPECT THAT SOME OF
THE PEOPLE WHO COME INTO YOUR
FACILITY ARE GOING TO HAVE
HYPERTENSION?
>> I DO NOT KNOW.
>> DO YOU SUSPECT THAT SOME OF
THE PEOPLE WHO COME INTO YOUR
FACILITY ARE GOING TO BE, I
DON'T KNOW, OLDER THAN 60?
>> I DO NOT KNOW.
>> DO YOU SUSPECT THAT SOME OF
THE PEOPLE WHO COME INTO YOUR
FACILITY ARE GOING TO BE OLDER
THAN 40?
>> I DO NOT KNOW.
>> DO YOU SUSPECT THAT SOME OF
THE PEOPLE THAT ARE GOING TO
COME INTO YOUR FACILITY ARE
GOING TO BE ON PSYCHOTROPIC
MEDICATIONS?
>> I DO NOT KNOW.
>> WOULDN'T ANY COMPETENT
SUPERVISOR, SHOULDN'T HE OR SHE
KNOW THE ANSWERS TO THOSE
QUESTIONS?
>> I DO NOT KNOW.
>> John: OKAY, WE GET IT.
YOU DON'T KNOW A LOT OF THINGS.
I ALMOST WISH THAT LINE OF
QUESTIONING HAD CONTINUED.
"DO YOU SUSPECT THAT SOME OF THE
PEOPLE WHO COME INTO YOUR
FACILITY ARE FIRE MUTANTS
POWERED BY HEAT?"
"I DO NOT KNOW."
"DO YOU HAVE A TATTOO OF PEPPA
PIG ON YOUR LOWER BACK?"
"I DO NOT KNOW."
"IF YOU WERE SURE NO ONE WOULD
EVER FIND OUT, WOULD YOU HAVE
CONSENSUAL SEX WITH A DOLPHIN?"
"I DO NOT KNOW."
"WOULD YOU HIT BRUCE WILLIS WITH
YOUR CAR IF GIVEN THE
OPPORTUNITY?"
"I DO NOT KNOW."
"WHY DO YOU THINK RESPONDING
WITH 'I DO NOT KNOW' TO EVERY
QUESTION ASKED OF A PERSON MAKES
THEM SOUND LIKE A TOTAL
DIPSHIT?"
"I DO NOT KNOW."
SO, LOOK, WHEN YOU PUT ALL THIS
TOGETHER, PRISONERS IN THIS
COUNTRY ARE DESPERATELY
UNCOMFORTABLE, AND SOMETIMES
DYING, DUE TO THE HEAT, AND NO
ONE SEEMS TO GIVE ENOUGH OF A
SHIT TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
AND WHILE A LOT OF THE
FACILITIES I'VE SHOWN YOU
TONIGHT HAVE BEEN IN TEXAS,
THAT'S NOT BECAUSE IT'S THE ONLY
CULPRIT.
IT'S JUST ONE OF THE ONLY STATES
WHERE THIS STORY HAS BEEN
EXTENSIVELY REPORTED ON CAMERA.
BUT YOU CAN FIND ACCOUNTS OF
SIMILAR PROBLEMS IN LOUISIANA
AND ALABAMA AND FLORIDA AND
VIRGINIA AND MICHIGAN.
THIS IS A DEADLY SITUATION, AND
IT'S ONLY GOING TO GET WORSE,
ESPECIALLY AS SUMMERS ARE
GETTING HOTTER AND HOTTER.
AND WHILE THIS IS CLEARLY JUST
ONE SMALL PART OF A MUCH LARGER
DISCUSSION ABOUT WHETHER AND HOW
PRISONS SHOULD EXIST IN THIS
COUNTRY, UNTIL SUCH TIME AS WE
HAVE THAT DISCUSSION, THERE IS
ACTUALLY AN EASY SOLUTION TO
THIS ONE PROBLEM, AND THAT IS,
PRISONS NEED AIR CONDITIONING.
SO PUT AIR CONDITIONING IN.
THAT'S IT.
I KNOW THIS SHOW HAS TRAINED YOU
TO ANTICIPATE NUANCE, BUT THIS
ONE'S PRETTY STRAIGHTFORWARD.
WE SHOULDN'T BE COOKING
PRISONERS TO DEATH.
THE END.
THAT'S JUST NOT SOMETHING WE
SHOULD BE ALLOWING UNDER ANY
CIRCUMSTANCES.
BECAUSE LOCKING HUMAN BEINGS IN
ROOMS WITH A HEAT INDEX OF 150
DEGREES BEGS THE QUESTION, "HOW
ON EARTH COULD ANYONE, ANYWHERE,
THINK IT'S OKAY TO DO THAT?"
AND TO BORROW THE GO-TO ANSWER
OF AN EXTREMELY WEIRD, EXTREMELY
CRUEL MAN: "I DO NOT KNOW."
AND NOW THIS.
>> Announcer: AND NOW, AND NOW
NOW, "LAST WEEK TONIGHT" LEFT
FOX 51 YEAR AGO THIS WEEK, AND
WE MISS HIS MAN ON THE STREET
SEGMENTS NOW MORE THAN EVER.
>> HERE'S MY QUESTION.
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE WAY TO
WATCH TV?
>> IN MY BED.
>> RELAXING.
>> IN A RECLINER.
YOU HAVE ONE?
WHERE IS THE WORST PLACE YOU'VE
EVER BEEN STUCK?
>> X-RAY MACHINE.
>> IN AN X-RAY MACHINE.
WHAT CONSISTENCY DO YOU LIKE
YOUR MILK SHAKE?
>> THICK.
DO YOU HAVE A LOT OF BABY
PICTURES OF YOURSELF?
HOW DO YOU HANDLE PEOPLE WHO
ANNOY YOU?
CAN YOU SPELL CARIBBEAN?
DO YOU KNOW WHO YOUR NEIGHBORS
ARE?
>> I'M LIVING WITH YOUR MY
NEIGHBORS.
>> GOOD FOR YOU.
TELL ME ABOUT THAT.
IS THERE A NICKNAME YOU WISH YOU
HAD.
>> SWIFTIE.
>> IF YOU'RE WATCHING A SHOW
ABOUT FOOD, DOES IT MAKE YOU
HUNGRY?
>> YES.
>> WHAT DO YOU THINK TASTES
GOOD, BUT IT'S REALLY DIFFICULT
OR MESSY TO EAT.
>> PASTA.
I'M SLOPPY WITH SPAGHETTI AND
MEATBALLS.
>> THAT'S A POPULAR ONE.
>> ALL OVER MY SHIRT.
SPEAKER OF THE TOMATO SAUCE AND
EVERYTHING.
TASTES GOOD, DOESN'T IT?
GREAT, GREAT, GREAT.
THE OTHER THING I WOULD SAY IS
THE SOUP.
>> THAT CAN BE SLOPPY.
>> John: MOVING ON.
BEFORE WE GO, I WANTED TO TAKE A
MOMENT TO DISCUSS COMMERCIALS.
YOU KNOW, THE THING YOU
SUBSCRIBE TO HBO TO AVOID
SEEING.
SPECIFICALLY, I'D LIKE TO TALK
ABOUT ADS FOR LOCAL CAR
DEALERSHIPS, BECAUSE THEY CAN BE
ABSOLUTE WORKS OF ART, LIKE THIS
ONE:
>> HEY, Y'ALL, IT'S BRYCE
"THUG NASTY" MITCHELL HERE.
I'M AT DRIVE ON TIME MOTORS 900
EAST LINE ROAD, SEARCY,
ARKANSAS, WHITE COUNTY.
THEY PAID ME TO BE HERE.
THESE AIN'T MY CARS AND I DON'T
REALLY CARE ABOUT THEM.
♪ ♪
WHEN I RIPPED MY TESTICLES OPEN
WITH A DRILL, I HAD TO DRIVE
MYSELF TO THE HOSPITAL IN MY
PICKUP TRUCK.
I REALLY WISH I WOULDA HAD THIS
CORVETTE.
I WOULDA MADE IT ON TIME.
[TIRES SCREECH]
>> John: WOW.
THAT COMMERCIAL RAISES A
THOUSAND QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS
EXACTLY NONE OF THEM.
HOW DID THUG NASTY RIP HIS
TESTICLES OPEN WITH A DRILL?
WHY DID HE HAVE A DRILL NEAR HIS
TESTICLES IN THE FIRST PLACE?
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, WHAT DOES
HE MEAN, HE "DIDN'T MAKE IT TO
THE HOSPITAL ON TIME"?
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
I DON'T WANT OR NEED ANY MORE
CONTEXT.
THE BEAUTY IS IN THE MYSTERY.
THE MYSTERY OF BRYCE'S
SELF-DRILLED SCROTUM.
THE POINT IS, THERE'S A REAL
CHARM IN THE ECCENTRICITY OF CAR
DEALERSHIP ADS, BECAUSE THEY CAN
BE A TOTAL LAW UNTO
THEMSELVES.
BUT RECENTLY WE DISCOVERED
SOMETHING SURPRISING.
AND IT ALL STARTED WITH THIS
COMMERCIAL:
>> I'M IN A PICKLE!
MY DOCTOR TOLD ME TO CALM DOWN
BEFORE MY HEART EXPLODES!
THE ONLY WAY FOR ME TO CALM DOWN
IS TO HELP YOU GET A NICER,
NEWER CAR.
>> John: OKAY.
I DON'T MIND THAT.
A GUY DRESSED AS A PICKLE NEXT
TO AN UNCLE SAM WHO LOOKS LIKE
MARK CUBAN SEEMING TO THREATEN
THAT IF YOU DON'T BUY A CAR FROM
HIM, HE'S GOING TO DIE.
I ACTUALLY LIKE IT.
THAT'S SOME FUN LOCAL WEIRDNESS
FROM WINSTON-SALEM, NORTH
CAROLINA, YOU'RE JUST NOT GOING
TO GET ANYWHERE ELSE, RIGHT?
WELL, IT TURNS OUT, WRONG.
BECAUSE WATCH THIS:
>> HEY, YOU KNOW ME.
SCOTT ELDER FROM ELDER
MITSUBISHI.
I'M IN A PICKLE.
MY DOCTOR TOLD ME TO TURN IT
DOWN A NOTCH BEFORE MY HEART
EXPLODES!
>> SCOTT LEHMAN HERE FROM
PREMIER AUTO CENTER, AND I'M IN
A PICKLE!
MY DOCTOR TOLD ME TO CALM DOWN
BEFORE MY HEART EXPLODES!
>> HEY, FRED GROTE HERE FROM
GROTE AUTOMOTIVE.
DOCTOR TOLD ME I NEED TO TURN IT
DOWN A NOTCH SO MY HEART DOESN'T
EXPLODE.
>> STEVE JOHNSON HERE FROM
ZUMBROTA FORD.
MY DOCTOR TOLD ME TO TURN
IT DOWN A NOTCH SO MY HEART
DOESN'T EXPLODE.
>> HELP!
I'M IN A PICKLE!
>> BUT DAD, YOUR DOCTOR TOLD YOU
TO CALM DOWN BEFORE YOUR HEART
EXPLODES!
>> John: WOW.
THAT IS STRIKING.
USUALLY WHEN YOU SEE THAT MANY
SCREAMING WHITE GUYS IN PICKLE
COSTUMES, THEY'RE YELLING
"RICK AND MORTY" QUOTES AT ANY
WOMAN IN THEIR IMMEDIATE
VICINITY AND COMPLETELY RUINING
COMIC-CON.
IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHAT IS
GOING ON THERE, AS BEST WE CAN
TELL, ALL THOSE DEALERSHIPS HAVE
WORKED WITH A MARKETING FIRM
CALLED GRAVITATIONAL MARKETING,
BASED -- OBVIOUSLY -- IN
FLORIDA, WHICH SEEMS TO CHURN
OUT SCRIPTS FOR A BUNCH OF LOCAL
CAR DEALERS, EXPLAINING WHY YOU
CAN FIND SO MANY ADS IN
DIFFERENT PLACES THAT ARE
BASICALLY EXACTLY THE SAME.
WE FOUND MULTIPLE HULK HOGANS IN
EERILY SIMILAR WRESTLING-THEMED
ADS AND MULTIPLE BUNNIES IN
IDENTICAL EASTER COMMERCIALS AND
THEN WE FOUND WHATEVER THE FUCK
THIS IS:
>> IT'S JOHN HERE FROM BLUE
RIDGE.
I'M IN THE DOGHOUSE.
I NEED CARS!
>> HEY, IT'S MIKE GUIZAR, AND
I'M IN THE DOGHOUSE.
>> I NEED CARS!
>> HEY, IT'S JACK FROST, AND I'M
IN THE DOGHOUSE.
I NEED CARS!
>> WE'RE IN THE DOGHOUSE AND WE
NEED CARS!
>> John: WHAT IS THAT?
WHAT'S THE CONCEPT THERE?
DO THESE CAR DEALERS REALLY
THINK THAT SCRIPTS THAT BAD ARE
WORTH OUTSOURCING?
"WE'RE IN THE DOGHOUSE AND WE
NEED CARS"?
DON DRAPER WOULD PUT HIS
CIGARETTE OUT ON YOUR FOREHEAD
IF YOU PITCHED A LINE LIKE THAT.
BUT I WILL SAY, ONCE YOU START
GOING DOWN THIS RABBIT HOLE,
IT'S KIND OF FASCINATING TO SEE
THE DIFFERENT PERFORMANCE
CHOICES DEALERS MAKE WITH THE
SAME AD.
TAKE THIS ONE, THEMED FOR
AUTUMN:
>> GUTENTAG, COASTAL BEND.
I'M RUNNING OUT OF YEAR.
>> ZUM WOHL!
>> I'VE GOT TO LIVEN UP MY SALES
SO I'M GIVING YOU THOUSANDS OFF
A NICER, NEWER CAR WITH MY
LIFETIME WARRANTY DURING MY
CAR-TOBERFEST.
PAST CREDIT MISHAPS MAKING YOU
FEEL LIKE A WEINER?
MY "FOR THE PEOPLE EVERYBODY
DRIVES" CREDIT APPROVAL PROCESS
HELPS GET YOU APPROVED.
>> John: OKAY, YOU GET THE
CONCEPT.
CAR-TOBERFEST.
AND TOMMY GARDNER'S GIVING YOU A
DECENT LINE READING THERE.
SORT OF A MERYL STREEP IN
"THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA" ENERGY,
A "LESS IS MORE" KIND OF THING.
TOMMY KNOWS THE COSTUMES, MUSIC,
AND CINEMATOGRAPHY ARE WORKING
WELL, SO HE'S CENTERING THE AD
WITH AN UNDERSTATED YET
CONFIDENT PERFORMANCE.
BUT WITNESS THAT SAME CONCEPT
CRANKED UP AROUND 25 NOTCHES:
>> GUTENTAG, EAST TENNESSEE!
MY SALES ARE SLUMPING SO LET'S
GET BUMPING IN MY CAR-TOBERFEST.
♪ FALL IS HERE, I'M
RUNNING OUT OF YEAR ♪
♪ I'M SO STRESSED,
COME BE MY GUEST ♪
DON'T BE A WEINER, DRIVE CLEANER
AND SAVE UP TO $5500 ON A NICER,
NEWER CAR.
GUTENTAG!
>> John: LOOK, THERE'S A LOT I
COULD SAY ABOUT THAT.
I COULD SAY IN THE WORDS OF THAT
MAN'S OBVIOUS IDOL, JIM CARREY,
SOMEBODY STOP HIM.
OR I COULD POINT OUT THE ACCENT
HE'S DOING THERE WOULD BE
PROBLEMATIC IF IT WERE STILL
POSSIBLE TO BE RACIST TOWARDS
GERMANS.
THAT MAN IS JASON FARRIS OF
FARRIS MOTOR COMPANY, AND WHEN
YOU LOOK AT WHAT HE'S DONE WITH
THESE PRO FORMA SCRIPTS, YOU SEE
THAT HE ROUTINELY MAKES SOME
CAPITAL "C" CHOICES, BUT PERHAPS
NONE AS BOLD AS WHEN HE GOT A
STOCK INDEPENDENCE DAY SCRIPT
AND DID THIS:
>> TODAY I'M PLEDGING ALLEGIANCE
TO THE RED, WHITE, AND YOU IN A
NICER, NEWER CAR.
BE A PATRIOT TODAY AND DECLARE
INDEPENDENCE FROM YOUR OLD RIDE
FOR JUST $7 DOWN.
BUT HURRY -- LIKE ISIS, THIS
DEAL WON'T BE AROUND LONG.
>> John: NO, JASON!
THAT IS A NO FROM ME!
WE WATCHED A NUMBER OF THOSE
INDEPENDENCE DAY COMMERCIALS AND
GUESS WHICH LINE WASN'T IN ANY
OF THE OTHER SCRIPTS?
YEP.
IT'S THE ONE YOU'RE THINKING OF.
BUT THE PROBLEM HERE IS THAT --
EVEN WHEN THEY'RE NOT CASUALLY
ISLAMOPHOBIC -- IT RUINS THE
MAGIC OF THESE WEIRD LOCAL ADS
TO LEARN THAT MANY ARE JUST
SCRIPTS SOMEONE BOUGHT.
THE JOY OF LOCAL CAR COMMERCIALS
IS WHEN THEY POP UP IN THE
MIDDLE OF "WHEEL OF FORTUNE" AND
YOU THINK, "WOW, THIS IS
COMPLETELY DERANGED, BUT AT
LEAST OUR LOCAL CAR DEALER IS
TRYING TO BE CREATIVE.
AT LEAST WE AS A LOCAL MARKET
ARE SPECIAL, RIGHT?"
BUT THAT MIGHT NOT BE THE CASE.
AND WE NEED TO MAKE SURE THAT IT
IS.
WE NEED A RETURN TO THE
ONE-OF-A-KIND AUTO-DEALER AD
THAT NO ONE ELSE HAS.
REMEMBER HOW THRILLING IT WAS TO
SEE BRYCE "THUG NASTY" MITCHELL
TALK ABOUT HIS SHATTERED
SCROTUM?
I DO.
I LOVE THAT AD, BUT I DON'T WANT
TO SEE 15 COPIES OF THAT.
I WANT BRYCE TO BE A UNICORN.
LOCAL ADS SHOULD BE UNIQUE AND
COMPLETELY UNHINGED.
AND HERE IS WHERE WE MIGHT BE
ABLE TO HELP.
BECAUSE WE'VE WRITTEN A SCRIPT.
AND IT'S GOOD.
IT'S REALLY GOOD.
AND WE'RE OFFERING IT TO ONE --
AND ONLY ONE -- CAR DEALERSHIP
TO USE IN A COMMERCIAL FOR FREE,
SO LONG AS THEY AGREE TO SOME
SIMPLE TERMS.
THE MAIN ONE BEING, YOU HAVE TO
AGREE TO PRODUCE THIS EXACTLY AS
IT'S WRITTEN.
AND YOU CAN'T READ IT BEFORE YOU
AGREE.
WE PROMISE THERE'S NO CURSING,
BLASPHEMY, OR NUDITY IN HERE.
IT'LL PASS BROADCAST STANDARDS
IN YOUR AREA AND CAN BE PRODUCED
AS CHEAPLY AS ANYTHING YOU'VE
SEEN TONIGHT.
NOW, WILL THIS SCRIPT SHOW YOUR
DEALERSHIP IN A GOOD LIGHT?
THAT'S FOR YOU TO FIND OUT AFTER
YOU SIGN THIS CONTRACT AND AGREE
TO PRODUCE AND AIR THE AD SIGHT
UNSEEN.
SO WHO'S INTERESTED?
WHAT DO YOU SAY, SCOTT ELDER OF
CEDAR PARK?
FRED GROTE OF FORT WAYNE?
SCOTT LEHMAN OF ARIZONA?
IF YOU GUYS --
OR, INDEED, ANY LOCAL
CAR DEALERSHIP OUT THERE --
WANT TO TAKE US UP ON THIS
ONE-TIME OFFER, YOU CAN
REACH US AT
FreeCarCommercial@
JohnOliverWants
YourRatErotica.com.
COME ON, DEALERS.
YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO ROLL THE
DICE HERE.
LET US GET YOU INTO A NICER,
NEWER COMMERCIAL TODAY.
THAT'S OUR SHOW.
THANKS SO MUCH FOR WATCHING --
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK, GOOD NIGHT.
♪ ♪