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>> John: WELCOME, WELCOME,
WELCOME TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT!"
I'M JOHN OLIVER.
THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR JOINING US.
IT HAS BEEN A BUSY WEEK,
INCLUDING, LEAST IMPORTANTLY,
THE QUEEN'S PLATINUM JUBILEE,
MARKING HER 70 YEARS ON THE
THRONE, WHICH FEATURED THE ROYAL
FAMILY APPEARING ON THE BALCONY
OF BUCKINGHAM PALACE, MULTIPLE
CAKES SHAPED LIKE DEMENTED
CORGIS, AND ONE SCHOOL DOING
WHATEVER THE FUCK THIS ABSOLUTE
LIVING NIGHTMARE IS.
IT WAS BASICALLY A FOUR-DAY
CELEBRATION OF EVERYTHING THE
QUEEN LOVES, WITH ONE KEY
EXCEPTION.
>> IN THE DAYS LEADING UP TO
THIS, THE QUESTION WAS WHAT TO
DO WITH A PROBLEM LIKE ANDREW?
AND IT SEEMS LIKE THAT'S TAKEN
CARE OF ITSELF BECAUSE WE HAVE
THE NEWS THAT HE TESTED COVID
POSITIVE.
I THINK A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE
QUESTIONING THE VALIDITY OF THAT
'CAUSE IT'S VERY CONVENIENT.
>> WELL, HE DID TEST POSITIVE,
THEY SAID, SO HE MUST HAVE
A CERTIFICATE.
>> DO YOU THINK PEOPLE WILL
DEMAND TO SEE THAT CERTIFICATE?
>> I DON'T THINK THEY'RE GOING
TO GET TO SEE IT.
>> John: YEAH, I DON'T THINK
THEY WILL EITHER.
IN FACT, BASED ON WHAT GENERALLY
HAPPENS TO INFORMATION ABOUT
PRINCE ANDREW, THAT COVID TEST
WILL PROBABLY CONVENIENTLY
COMMIT SUICIDE IN PRISON.
OR YOU KNOW WHAT?
MAYBE HE'LL PAY US ALL MILLIONS
OF POUNDS TO STOP
BRINGING IT UP.
THOSE DO SEEM TO BE HIS TWO
GO-TO MOVES.
BUT INSTEAD OF FOCUSING ON THAT,
WE'RE ACTUALLY GOING TO START
WITH OUR MAIN STORY TONIGHT,
WHICH CONCERNS WHAT HAPPENED IN
UVALDE, TEXAS, 12 DAYS AGO,
WHEN AN 18-YEAR-OLD ARMED
WITH TWO AR-15s KILLED
19 CHILDREN AND TWO TEACHERS
AT AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL.
AND LOOK, WE ALL KNOW WHAT THE
KEY PROBLEM IS HERE.
IT'S GUNS.
IT'S BECAUSE WE LET BASICALLY
WHOEVER WANTS TO BUY A GUN IN
THIS COUNTRY HAVE ONE,
WHICH HAS LED TO TRAGIC
CONSEQUENCES.
THE VAST MAJORITY OF MASS
SHOOTERS, INCLUDING THE SHOOTERS
AT UVALDE AND PARKLAND, OBTAINED
THE WEAPONS THEY USED THROUGH
LEGAL PURCHASES.
SO WE KNOW WHAT THE ANSWER TO
THIS PROBLEM IS, TOO.
IT'S GUN CONTROL.
IT'S MEANINGFUL, EFFECTIVE GUN
LAWS.
BUT THAT HASN'T STOPPED SOME
FROM DESPERATELY PITCHING
ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING OTHER THAN
THAT AS A SOLUTION.
>> THE ONLY SOLUTION IS CHRIST
JESUS AND BEING ABLE TO GET SOME
TYPE OF SPIRITUALITY AND PRAYER
BACK INTO OUR SCHOOLS.
>> MAN TRAPS.
A SERIES OF INTERLOCKING DOORS
AT THE SCHOOL ENTRANCE THAT ARE
TRIGGERED BY A TRIPWIRE.
>> I WOULD LIKE TO SEE THIS,
A NATIONAL PUSH TOWARDS, INSTEAD
OF PARENTS BUYIN' THEIR KIDS ALL
THESE TOOLS AND TOYS AND GAMES,
INVEST IN THE CLASSROOM TO MAKE
IT SAFER.
I MEAN, THEY HAVE BLANKETS
THAT YOU CAN PUT UP ON THE WALL
THAT ARE COLORFUL AND BEAUTIFUL,
BUT THEY'RE BALLISTIC BLANKETS.
>> John: WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
"USE A BLANKET" IS NOT A
STRATEGY FOR STOPPING DEATHS
DURING A SCHOOL SHOOTING.
IT'S BARELY A STRATEGY FOR
"A BIRD GOT IN THE HOUSE."
AND WHILE THOSE IDEAS ARE
CLEARLY RIDICULOUS, "HARDENING
OUR SCHOOLS" SO OFTEN COMES UP
AS AN ALTERNATIVE TO GUN
CONTROL.
AND AT THE NRA CONVENTION THAT
INEXPLICABLY STILL TOOK PLACE IN
TEXAS JUST THREE DAYS AFTER THE
SHOOTING THERE, WAYNE LAPIERRE
PITCHED THE EXACT SAME SOLUTION
HE DID AFTER SANDY HOOK AND
AFTER PARKLAND.
>> WE ALSO NEED TO FULLY FUND
OUR NATION'S POLICE DEPARTMENTS
AND SCHOOL SECURITY RESOURCE
OFFICER PROGRAMS.
>> John: EXACTLY.
PUT POLICE OR SCHOOL RESOURCE
OFFICERS OR SROs, AS THEY'RE
SOMETIMES CALLED, INTO SCHOOLS.
AND I GUESS IT'S NOT THAT
SURPRISING THAT THE SOLUTION
FROM THE CEO OF THE NRA IS
"MORE PEOPLE WITH GUNS."
IT'D BE LIKE HEARING "THE
GARBAGE DUMP IS OVERFLOWING, SO
WE NEED MORE PILES OF GARBAGE"
FROM THE HEAD OF THE NATIONAL
RACCOON ASSOCIATION.
WHAT ELSE DO YOU REALLY EXPECT
HIM TO SAY?
BUT THE IDEA OF ADDING POLICE TO
SCHOOLS DOES SEEM TO COME UP IN
THE WAKE OF EVERY BIG SCHOOL
SHOOTING.
AND CRUCIALLY, IT'S THEN THE
THING THAT WE ALWAYS DO.
IN FACT, IN THE SIX YEARS AFTER
THE COLUMBINE MASSACRE IN 1999,
THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT AWARDED
OVER $750 MILLION, RESULTING IN
THE HIRING OF OVER 6,500 SROs.
AND SINCE THEN, IT'S EXPLODED TO
THE POINT THAT THE MOST RECENT
DATA AVAILABLE SHOWS 58%
OF AMERICAN SCHOOLS
REPORT HAVING A SWORN LAW
ENFORCEMENT OFFICER ON CAMPUS AT
LEAST ONCE A WEEK.
AND THIS HAS HAPPENED, EVEN AS
VITAL RESOURCES FOR STUDENTS
HAVE BEEN STARVED.
A RECENT REPORT FOUND
14 MILLION STUDENTS GO TO
A SCHOOL WITH POLICE
BUT WITHOUT A COUNSELOR, NURSE,
PSYCHOLOGIST, OR SOCIAL WORKER.
THAT IS 14 MILLION KIDS WHO
ARE IN CLOSER PROXIMITY TO A
PAIR OF HANDCUFFS THAN THEY ARE
TO A MEDICAL OR MENTAL HEALTH
PROFESSIONAL.
AND TO HEAR SOME SCHOOL COPS
TELL IT, THEY'RE NOT JUST THERE
there is upside to the presence
beside safety.
They are there to build trust
and police from early age.
>> UNFORTUNATELY, YES, IT --
IT'S SAD, AND IF YOU THINK OF IT
MORBIDLY.
BUT, IF YOU THINK OF IT BUILDING
RELATIONSHIPS FOR OUR FUTURE,
WHY NOT?
IT WOULDN'T HURT.
>> John: WOULDN'T HURT?
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
BECAUSE, LITTLE SECRET: IF WE'RE
SHOWING YOU SOMETHING ON THIS
SHOW, IT COULD ABSOLUTELY HURT.
THERE HAS NEVER BEEN A MOMENT
WHERE WE'VE SHOWN YOU A CLIP
WHERE A COP GOES "WOULDN'T
HURT," AND WE'VE SAID "YOU'RE
RIGHT, OFFICER BIG MAN,
IT WOULDN'T!
ANYWAY, THAT'S OUR SHOW,
HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!"
SO GIVEN THAT, ONCE AGAIN, IN
THE WAKE OF YET ANOTHER SCHOOL
SHOOTING, WE SEEM POISED TO
THROW MORE COPS INTO OUR
SCHOOLS, WE THOUGHT TONIGHT,
IT'D BE WORTH TALKING ABOUT
SCHOOL POLICE.
WHETHER THEY'RE THE ANSWER TO
THIS PARTICULAR PROBLEM,
THE ANSWER TO ANY PROBLEMS,
OR WHETHER THEY'RE ACTUALLY A
PRETTY BIG PROBLEM THEMSELVES.
AND LET'S START BY
ACKNOWLEDGING THIS IDEA ISN'T
JUST COMING FROM THE NRA.
IT'S COMING FROM PARENTS, TOO,
LIKE THIS MAN, WHO BACK IN
FEBRUARY, SHOWED UP AT A COUNTY
COUNCIL MEETING.
>> ALEX TURNER TELLS US HE IS
ALL IN FAVOR OF THE IDEA OF
ADDING SROs.
>> JUST FOR THE SIMPLE FACT THAT
THEY'VE GOT A FORCE MULTIPLIER
IN THE SCHOOL WHERE THEY COULD
STOP SOME IMMINENT THREAT TO OUR
CHILDREN.
>> TURNER HAS TWO YOUNG CHILDREN
AND HIS WIFE WORKS AT A SCHOOL
DISTRICT IN THE COUNTY.
>> WHAT SCARES ME THE MOST IS
IS THE THOUGHT OF HER HAVING TO
USE A BACKPACK TO DEFEND HERSELF
FROM SOMEONE WITH A GUN.
>> OUR CHILDREN ARE THE MOST
IMPORTANT THING TO OUR FUTURE,
THEY'RE FUTURE TAXPAYERS,
THEY'RE FUTURE CITIZENS THAT ARE
GOING TO INVEST IN OUR
COMMUNITY.
>> John: OKAY, OBVIOUSLY THAT
GUY CALLING CHILDREN "FUTURE TAX
PAYERS" IS A LITTLE WEIRD.
ALTHOUGH WHO AMONG US HASN'T
WALKED IN TO OUR SLEEPING
CHILD'S ROOM, BECOME OVERTAKEN
BY THE SERENITY ON THEIR FACE
AND THOUGHT TO OURSELVES
"WOW, WHAT A MIRACLE.
I WONDER IF SHE'LL GROW UP TO
FILE WITH A W-2 OR A 1099.
PARENTHOOD TRULY IS A JOYOUS
MYSTERY."
BUT I DO GET WHAT HE'S TRYING TO
SAY THERE.
THE THOUGHT OF SOMEONE COMING
INTO A SCHOOL AND HURTING YOUR
CHILD IS INCREDIBLY SCARY.
I DON'T THINK THAT ALL PEOPLE
WHO BELIEVE THAT POLICE OFFICERS
MAKE SCHOOLS SAFER HAVE BAD
INTENTIONS OR ARE ARGUING IN
BAD FAITH.
BUT I DO BELIEVE THAT THEY ARE
WRONG.
BECAUSE FOR THE RECORD,
THE ANSWER TO THE QUESTION,
"DO POLICE IN SCHOOLS DETER
SCHOOL SHOOTINGS?"
IS BASICALLY "NO."
EXPERTS WHO'VE STUDIED THIS HAVE
FOUND THAT SCHOOL SHOOTERS WERE
NOT DETERRED DUE TO THE
PRESENCE OF METAL DETECTORS,
LOCKED DOORS, SECURITY CAMERAS,
OR SCHOOL RESOURCE OFFICERS.
AND IF YOU'RE THINKING, "WELL,
OKAY, WHAT ABOUT WHEN
A SHOOTING'S
ACTUALLY HAPPENING?
THEY COULD STOP THEM THEN,
RIGHT?"
DON'T BE SO SURE.
WELL, FAMOUSLY, UVALDE HAD
A POLICE OFFICER
AND PARKLAND HAD ONE TOO.
INSTANCES OF SCHOOL POLICE
STOPPING SHOOTINGS ARE
INCREDIBLY RARE.
THERE WAS ONE EXAMPLE FOUR
YEARS AGO, BUT WHEN THE
WASHINGTON POST LOOKED INTO IT
AFTER THAT, THEY COULD ONLY FIND
ONE OTHER CASE IN THE
PRECEDING 19 YEARS WHERE
A RESOURCE OFFICER GUNNED DOWN
AN ACTIVE SHOOTER.
IT'S ACTUALLY MUCH EASIER TO
FIND STORIES OF SHOOTINGS
STOPPED BY FACULTY AND SCHOOL
COUNSELORS.
BUT RATHER THAN ARGUING ANECDOTE
BY ANECDOTE, IT MIGHT BE HELPFUL
TO LOOK AT THE LARGER DATA.
BECAUSE ON THE WHOLE, AN
ANALYSIS OF 179 SHOOTINGS ON
SCHOOL GROUNDS -- WHICH IS A
BRUTAL THING TO
SO SAY OUT LOUD ON ITS OWN.
FOUND NO EVIDENCE THAT THE
PRESENCE OF SCHOOL RESOURCE
OFFICERS LESSENED THE SEVERITY
OF SCHOOL SHOOTINGS.
IF ANYTHING, THEY CAN ACTUALLY
MAKE IT WORSE, AS THIS
RESEARCHER EXPLAINS.
>> SO, WHEN WE HAVE LOOKED AT
THIS AND LOOKED AT SCHOOL
SHOOTINGS AND ATTEMPTED SCHOOL
SHOOTINGS, WHAT'S REMARKABLE IS
THAT WHEN YOU HAVE ARMED
OFFICERS ON THE SCENE,
YOU ACTUALLY SEE MORE
CASUALTIES, OFTEN BECAUSE THAT
PERPETRATOR IS SUICIDAL.
THEY'RE FAMILIAR WITH THAT
SCHOOL, THEY KNOW THAT OFFICER
IS THERE, AND SO THEY COME IN
HEAVILY ARMED.
>> John: RIGHT.
AND IF SCHOOL COPS CAN MAKE
SHOOTINGS WORSE, WHY, THEN,
ARE WE STILL PITCHING THEM
AS A SOLUTION?
IF OFF DISCOVERED THAT THEIR
MOSQUITO REPELLANT ATTRACTED
MOSQUITOS,
THEY'D STOP SELLING IT
OR AT THE VERY LEAST, REBRAND
IT AS A COLOGNE FOR LONELY
MOSQUITO BACHELORS.
THE POINT IS, THE EVIDENCE FOR
COPS IN SCHOOLS DETERRING SCHOOL
SHOOTINGS JUST ISN'T THERE.
AND THE EVIDENCE FOR THE DAMAGE
THEY CAN DO IS SIGNIFICANT.
SO FOR THE REST OF THIS PIECE,
LET'S ACTUALLY PUT SHOOTINGS
ASIDE AND CONSIDER THE IMPACT
THAT SCHOOL POLICE CAN HAVE ON
KIDS, EVERY DAY THEY'RE THERE.
THE NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF
SCHOOL RESOURCE OFFICERS --
ESSENTIALLY, THE TRADE GROUP FOR
THESE OFFICERS -- WILL ARGUE
THEY SERVE MANY FUNCTIONS IN
SCHOOLS BEYOND SECURITY.
THEY EVEN DEVELOPED A TRIAD
CONCEPT OF SCHOOL POLICING, THAT
ENCOURAGES OFFICERS TO BE
A TEACHER, INFORMAL COUNSELOR,
AND LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICER.
AND I'LL SAY THERE ARE
UNDOUBTEDLY SCHOOLS WHERE SOME
KIDS SEE THEIR POLICE OFFICERS
THAT WAY.
YOU'VE PROBABLY SEEN VIDEOS OF
THEM DOING "CARPOOL KARAOKE"
IN THEIR SQUAD CAR WITH KIDS,
OR DOING A FUN DANCE
AT THEIR HALFTIME SHOW.
SOME HAVE EVEN JOINED KIDS IN
EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES.
>> IT'S NOT EVERY DAY THAT YOU
SEE THE CAMPUS POLICE OFFICER
TAKING ON THE ROLE OF CAST
MEMBER IN THE SCHOOL MUSICAL.
>> SHE SHOWED UP AT OUR FIRST
REHEARSAL, OUR FIRST DANCE
REHEARSAL, AND I WAS LIKE,
"WHY IS OFFICER GRIFFIN HERE?
IS SOMEONE IN TROUBLE?"
BUT THEN EVERYONE WAS LIKE,
"NO, SHE'S JOINING THE SHOW.
SHE'S GONNA DANCE WITH US."
AND I WAS SHOCKED.
>> SHOCKED BECAUSE PRIOR TO HER
PARTICIPATION, MOST OF THESE
STUDENTS WERE INTIMIDATED BY THE
OFFICER TASKED WITH KEEPING
ORDER ON CAMPUS.
>> John: IT'S TRUE, A COP
WAS IN THE SCHOOL MUSICAL.
AND JUST IMAGINE HOW CHALLENGING
THAT CASTING DECISION MUST HAVE
BEEN FOR THE THEATER TEACHER.
"WELL, SUSIE HAS A FANTASTIC
VOCAL RANGE, HANNAH B.
REALLY LEARNED THE CHOREOGRAPHY,
JILLIAN IS A SENIOR SO IT DOES
FEEL LIKE IT'S HER TIME TO GET
A BIG ROLE, BUT OFFICER GRIFFIN
HAS A GUN.
SO I GUESS I'M JUST GOING TO GO
WITH OFFICER GRIFFIN."
BUT CLEARLY, TAP-DANCING OFFICER
GRIFFIN HERE IS NOT THE NORM.
IN FACT, WHILE SCHOOL POLICE IN
MORE WELL-RESOURCED SCHOOLS,
OFTEN DO HAVE AN EXPANDED ROLE,
INCLUDING EDUCATION AND
MENTORING, IN DISADVANTAGED
SCHOOLS, THEY'RE MORE LIKELY TO
ENGAGE PRIMARILY IN LAW
ENFORCEMENT ACTIVITIES.
AND FOR ALL NASRO'S TALK OF THE
TRIAD MODEL, WHEN THEY ASKED
THEIR MEMBERS WHICH PRONG THEY
IDENTIFY WITH THE MOST,
OVER TWO-THIRDS SELECTED
LAW ENFORCEMENT.
BECAUSE OF COURSE THEY DID.
THEY'RE COPS.
MOST COPS DON'T GET INTO COPPING
BECAUSE THEY SECRETLY WANT TO BE
COUNSELORS.
THEY DO IT BECAUSE MOVIES MAKE
IT LOOK EXCITING AND THEY'RE
TIRED OF STOPPING AT RED LIGHTS.
THAT'S WHY THEY DO IT.
AND THE PROBLEM IS, FACULTY AND
SCHOOL ADMINISTRATORS WILL
SOMETIMES USE THOSE COPS TO DEAL
WITH BASIC DISCIPLINARY PROBLEMS
IN THE SCHOOL, AS THIS TEACHER
EXPLAINS.
>> I SEE THAT TEACHERS HAVE
NEGLECTED TO FIGURE OUT A WAY TO
HANDLE A LOT OF PROBLEMS ON
THEIR OWN THAT THEY USED TO.
THINGS THAT WERE UP TO THE
TEACHER BEFORE ARE NOW JUST A
PHONE CALL AWAY.
>> HOW MANY OF YOUR PEERS ARE
JUST PICKING UP THE PHONE AND
CALLING THE SCHOOL RESOURCE
OFFICER?
>> I'D SAY THE MAJORITY OF
TEACHERS ARE DOING THAT.
DEFINITELY 75% OUT OF ALL OF US,
IF I JUST WANT TO MAKE A ROUGH
GUESS, ARE DOING THAT, BECAUSE
THEY GO IN WITH A SET LESSON
PLAN AND WHEN THE KID DOESN'T
WANT TO DO IT, WHAT DO I DO?
I GET HIM OUT OF THE CLASSROOM.
>> John: YEAH.
BUT THAT'S NOT GOOD.
AND I KNOW TEACHERS HAVE AN
EXHAUSTING JOB.
AND, FOR SOME REASON, SOCIETY
HAS DECIDED THEIR REWARD FOR
THAT IS INSULTINGLY LOW PAY AND
OCCASIONAL THANK-YOU APPLES.
AND IT'S NOT THE POINT HERE.
BUT WHY APPLES?
EXACTLY.
WHY HAVE WE DECIDED TO REWARD
TEACHERS THE SAME WAY WE REWARD
MEDIOCRE HORSES?
BECAUSE THE GOOD HORSES GET
SUGAR CUBES.
NOW, AM I SAYING TEACHERS SHOULD
GET SUGAR CUBES INSTEAD OF
APPLES?
I'M NOT NOT SAYING THAT.
BUT THE LARGER POINT IS,
WHILE I UNDERSTAND A FRUSTRATED,
OVERWORKED TEACHER WANTING A
TROUBLEMAKING KID OUT OF THEIR
CLASSROOM, INVOLVING THE POLICE
IN THAT IS A VERY DANGEROUS
IMPULSE, FOR MANY REASONS.
ONE OF THEM IS, POLICE IN
SCHOOLS CAN AND DO ARREST
STUDENTS.
IN FACT, IN THE MOST RECENT YEAR
RECORDED, THEY DID THIS TO OVER
54,000 OF THEM, WHICH IS A HUGE
NUMBER.
IF YOU ASKED ME "WHAT DO YOU
THINK HAPPENS 54,000 TIMES
INSIDE SCHOOLS?"
I'D SAY "I DUNNO.
THE NUMBER OF CLASSROOM PETS
THAT WENT MISSING BECAUSE
A STUDENT LEFT THE LID OFF
THE CAGE," OR "THE NUMBER OF
TIMES A TEACHER LOST TOTAL
CONTROL OF HER CLASS WHEN
ANY PART OF HER PRIVATE LIFE
WAS REVEALED."
"OH, MY GOD, SHE HAD HER
COMPUTER HOOKED UP TO
THE PROJECTOR AND AN E-VITE
FROM SOMEONE NAMED JIM
APPEARED.
WHO IS JIM?
ARE YOU IN LOVE?
WILL YOU HAVE HIS BABIES?"
AND IF YOU'RE THINKING,
"WOW, A KID MUST BE DOING
SOMETHING REALLY BAD
TO GET ARRESTED IN SCHOOL,"
NOT REALLY.
STUDENTS HAVE BEEN CHARGED WITH
ASSAULT FOR THINGS LIKE THROWING
A PAPER AIRPLANE, A BABY CARROT,
AND SKITTLES, AND DRUG
POSSESSION FOR CARRYING A MAPLE
LEAF.
AND WHEN A FIVE YEAR OLD WITH
ADHD HAD A TANTRUM, THEY WERE
CHARGED WITH BATTERY ON A POLICE
OFFICER WHEN CLEARLY THE ONLY
THING THEY WERE GUILTY OF WAS
BEING A FUCKING FIVE YEAR OLD.
AND TAKE WHAT HAPPENED WITH
KIERA WILMOT.
WHEN SHE WAS A HIGH SCHOOL
STUDENT, SHE TRIED TO REPLICATE
AN EXPERIMENT SHE'D SEEN IN
CLASS, WHERE YOU SET OFF A
CHEMICAL REACTION IN A PLASTIC
BOTTLE TO MAKE THE CAP BLOW OFF.
AND I'LL LET HER AND THEN HER
MOTHER EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENED
NEXT.
>> THE PRINCIPAL AND VICE
PRINCIPAL WERE, LIKE, ABOUT TEN
FEET AWAY, AND WHEN IT POPPPED,
THEY CAME OVER AND ASKED WHAT
WAS GOING ON, I TOLD THEM IT WAS
A SCIENCE PROJECT AND THEY WERE
JUST LIKE, "OKAY."
AT THE END OF THIRD PERIOD, THEY
TAKE ME OUT AND THEN WALK ME TO
THE RESOURCE OFFICER.
HE WAS LIKE, "THIS IS CONSIDERED
A FELONY.
I MIGHT HAVE TO ARREST YOU FOR
THIS."
AND THEN I WAS JUST HANDCUFFED
AND PUT IN THE CAR.
>> A TRAINED OFFICER OF THE LAW
ARRESTED, PUT MY DAUGHTER IN
HANDCUFFS, PUT HER IN THE BACK
OF A POLICE CAR, AND TOOK HER TO
THE JUVENILE ASSESSMENT CENTER
AND CHARGED HER WITH TWO FELONY
CHARGES.
>> John: THAT IS SO FUCKING
STUPID FOR SO MANY REASONS,
ONE OF WHICH IS THAT WHEN YOU
HEAR "FELONY FOR A SCIENCE
EXPERIMENT," YOU'RE THINKING
METH.
IF I GAVE YOU 500 GUESSES
FOR "WHAT SCIENCE EXPERIMENT
GOT SOMEONE CHARGED
WITH A FELONY?"
YOUR FIRST 499 GUESSES WOULD BE
METH, AND THE NEXT ONE WOULD BE,
"ARE YOU 100% SURE IT'S NOT
METH?"
NEVER IN YOUR WILDEST DREAMS
WOULD IT BE POPPING
A BOTTLE CAP.
UNLESS INSIDE THAT BOTTLE WAS
SOME METH.
NOW, I SHOULD SAY THE CHARGES
AGAINST KIERA WERE LATER
DROPPED.
BUT SHE STILL HAD TO CHECK THE
BOX ON HER COLLEGE APPLICATION
ASKING "HAVE YOU BEEN ARRESTED?"
AND, AS CRAZY AS THIS SOUNDS,
SHE WAS ACTUALLY LUCKY, IN THAT
AT LEAST SHE HAD PRESS COVERAGE
OF HER RIDICULOUS ARREST SHE
COULD DIRECT THE COLLEGE TO.
BUT THAT'S OBVIOUSLY NOT THE
CASE FOR MANY, MANY OTHERS.
THE FACT IS, KIDS WITH CRIMINAL
RECORDS CAN HAVE A MUCH HARDER
TIME GETTING JOBS, SCHOLARSHIPS,
AND A HOST OF OTHER BENEFITS AND
OPPORTUNITIES.
AND WHILE IT'S TRUE YOU CAN
APPLY TO HAVE YOUR JUVENILE
RECORD SEALED -- USUALLY ONCE
YOU TURN 18 -- THERE'S NO
GUARANTEE THAT'LL HAPPEN.
SO AN ARREST ALONE CAN STILL DO
SIGNIFICANT DAMAGE, AS SOME OF
THOSE INVOLVED IN THE SYSTEM
WILL ADMIT.
>> I THINK WE CERTAINLY SEE A
LOT OF CASES THAT WE THINK,
"SERIOUSLY?"
>> GARNETTE SAYS CLOSE TO 70% OF
THE TIME, HER PROBATION OFFICERS
DECIDE THE OFFENSE ISN'T
ACTUALLY SERIOUS ENOUGH TO GET
REFERRED TO THE DISTRICT
ATTORNEY FOR CRIMINAL CHARGES.
BUT EVEN IN THOSE CASES, MUCH OF
THE DAMAGE IS ALREADY DONE.
>> THE CHILD CAN STILL BE LEFT
WITH A CRIMINAL RECORD?
>> WELL, IT'LL STILL SHOW AN
ARREST ON THEIR -- ON THEIR RAP
SHEET.
YES, ABSOLUTELY.
THEY'VE BEEN ARRESTED.
I MEAN, IF THEY -- IF THE CASE
COMES TO US, THEY'VE BEEN
ARRESTED, WHETHER THEY WERE PUT
IN HANDCUFFS AND BROUGHT TO US
OR JUST GIVEN A SLIP OF PAPER BY
THE POLICE, THEY'VE HAVE BEEN
ARRESTED.
>> AND IS THAT FAIR?
>> WELL, I MEAN...
NO, I DON'T THINK IT'S FAIR.
>> John: WOW, THAT WAS A LONG
PAUSE.
IT'S NOT A GREAT SIGN THAT A
CHIEF PROBATION OFFICER IS
RESPONDING TO THE QUESTION
"IS THE JUSTICE SYSTEM FAIR?"
LIKE THEY'RE STALLING FOR TIME
ON JEOPARDY AFTER ACCIDENTALLY
BUZZING IN.
AND I WILL SAY AT LEAST SHE'S
ACKNOWLEDGING THERE THAT THE
SYSTEM HAS A SIGNIFICANT
PROBLEM.
WHAT IS ABSOLUTELY MADDENING IS
WATCHING THIS FORMER DIRECTOR OF
STUDENT SERVICES FOR THE COUNTY
WHERE SHE WORKS TRY TO MAKE
EXCUSES FOR IT.
>> NO STUDENT ON OUR -- THAT'S
ATTENDING OUR CAMPUS IS GETTING
A CRIMINAL RECORD BECAUSE OF
SOMETHING WE'VE DONE.
WE DON'T FOCUS ON ARRESTING
OR SENDING KIDS AWAY.
THAT'S -- THAT'S COMPLETELY
COUNTER TO WHAT AN EDUCATOR
SHOULD DO.
>> BUT THAT IS WHAT'S HAPPENING.
>> THAT IS NOT HAPPENING
IN MY SCHOOL DISTRICT.
>> BUT IN A SINGLE SCHOOL YEAR,
283 KIDS IN YOUR DISTRICT WERE
REFERRED TO POLICE.
>> OKAY.
>> SO IT IS HAPPENING.
>> I -- KIDS ARE CITED ON OUR
CAMPUSES SOMETIMES, YES.
>> AND DO YOU KNOW THAT THIS CAN
GIVE THEM A CRIMINAL RECORD?
>> I KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I
ISSUE MY OWN CONSEQUENCES.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN
POLICE ISSUE THEIR CONSEQUENCES.
>> SO YOU HAVE NO IDEA THAT
THESE KIDS ARE GETTING CRIMINAL
RECORDS?
>> I WOULDN'T KNOW THAT ONE WAY
OR THE OTHER.
>> BUT DON'T YOU HEAD DISCIPLINE
FOR THE DISTRICT?
>> AND I TAKE CARE OF DISCIPLINE
FOR THE DISTRICT.
IF CONSEQUENCES GO BEYOND THAT
INTO THE -- INTO THE LEGAL
REALM, THAT'S NOT OUR PURVIEW.
THAT'S NOT OUR BUSINESS.
>> John: HOLY SHIT,
THAT IS SELECTIVE.
"NOT YOUR BUSINESS?"
OH, NO, MY GOOD BITCH, THAT IS
VERY MUCH YOUR BUSINESS.
AND I DO UNDERSTAND THE
DISTINCTION THAT BUDGET
BILL MURRAY IS
TRYING TO DRAW THERE.
THERE'S "SCHOOL DISCIPLINE,"
WHICH FALLS UNDER HIS PURVIEW,
BUT IF A KID BREAKS THE LAW,
THEN IT'S A POLICE THING.
BUT IN PRACTICE, ONCE YOU LET
THE POLICE INTO YOUR SCHOOLS,
THAT LINE GETS REALLY BLURRY.
AND YOU'RE GOING TO START
GETTING STUPID ARRESTS FOR
THINGS LIKE SCIENCE EXPERIMENTS,
OR THROWING BABY CARROTS, OR --
IN THE DISTRICT WHERE THAT GUY
WORKED -- THE INDEFENSIBLE
ARREST OF THIS AUTISTIC STUDENT.
>> TWO YEARS AGO, ADRIAN WAS AT
HIS SCHOOL, BRET HARTE MIDDLE IN
SAN JOSE, WHEN HE USED A SMALL
ROCK TO ETCH THE LETTERS ADRX
ON THE SIDEWALK.
THE ABBREVIATION IS HOW
ADRIAN OFTEN SIGNED HIS NAME ON
SCHOOL ASSIGNMENTS.
THE LETTERS MEASURED JUST SIX
INCHES TALL.
BUT THE SCHOOL BELIEVED THEY
WERE BIG ENOUGH A REASON TO
INVOLVE CAMPUS POLICE.
ADRIAN WAS ARRESTED AT 13.
>> I THOUGHT MAYBE SOMEONE WOULD
LOOK AT IT AND SAY, "OH, LOOK,
A LEGEND.
OH, LOOK, A LEGEND
THAT DID THIS.
THIS IS SO COOL.
A LEGEND WAS AT THIS SCHOOL."
>> John: OKAY, FOR THE RECORD,
THAT KID WAS, AND REMAINS,
A LEGEND.
BECAUSE TO 13-YEAR-OLDS,
THERE IS SIMPLY NOTHING COOLER
THAN INITIALS WRITTEN SOMEWHERE.
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHERE
OR WITH WHAT.
ALL THAT MATTERS IS THAT
INITIALS ARE SOMEWHERE AND
THAT'S COOL.
ON A DESK?
YES, PLEASE.
ON A LAMP POST?
I LOVE IT.
WAY HIGH UP ON A WALL?
HOW DID THEY GET IT UP THERE?
WE EVEN PUT ADRIAN'S INITIALS
ONTO THE SET BEHIND ME TO MAKE
IT ABSOLUTELY CLEAR TO EVERYONE
THAT A LEGEND WAS
VERY MUCH HERE.
THAT STORY'S COMPLETELY
BANANAS, EVEN BEFORE YOU LEARN
THAT THE LETTERS HE ETCHED CAME
RIGHT OFF WITH SOME SOAP AND
WATER AFTER HIS MOTHER HAD HIM
CLEAN IT UP.
BUT IT ALSO SPEAKS TO A BIGGER
ISSUE, WHICH IS THAT STUDENTS
WITH DISABILITIES ARE ALMOST
THREE TIMES MORE LIKELY TO BE
ARRESTED, EVEN THOUGH KIDS WITH
DEVELOPMENTAL DISABILITIES CAN
HAVE DIFFICULTY UNDERSTANDING OR
FOLLOWING THE RULES AND REQUIRE
SUPPORT STAFF FAMILIAR WITH
THEIR SPECIFIC NEEDS.
AND THEY ARE NOT THE ONLY
STUDENTS DISPROPORTIONATELY
SINGLED OUT.
BECAUSE COPS IN SCHOOLS DO TEND
TO BEHAVE THE SAME WAY THEY
BEHAVE OUTSIDE OF SCHOOLS, WHICH
EXPLAINS WHY BLACK STUDENTS
ACCOUNT FOR NEARLY A THIRD OF
ALL STUDENTS ARRESTED, DESPITE
THE FACT THAT THAT'S TWICE THEIR
SHARE OF ENROLLMENT.
THAT'S JUST ONE REASON WHY,
WHILE YOU MAY HEAR A LOT OF
WHITE KIDS TALK ABOUT THEIR
FRIENDLY SRO, BLACK STUDENTS
EVEN IN THE SAME SCHOOL MAY
SEE THEM VERY DIFFERENTLY.
>> IT WAS ALMOST LIKE THIS MAN
WAS JUDGE, JURY,
AND EXECUTIONER.
AND HE WAS MENACING LOOKING.
AND, LITERALLY, HE WALKED
THROUGH THE HALLS LIKE HE OWNED
THE PLACE.
EVERY CONVERSATION YOU HAD WITH
HIM WAS TENSE.
IT WAS LITERALLY JUST STUDENTS
OF COLOR.
I DON'T THINK, EVEN THE BLACK
SRO THAT WE HAD AT SOUTHWEST,
I HAD NEVER SEEN HIM SPEAK
TO A WHITE STUDENT.
THEY KNEW WHO THEY WERE LOOKING
FOR, THEY HAD THEIR KIDS THAT
THEY, LIKE, LOW-KEY TERRORIZED?
THERE ARE SO MANY STUDENTS WHO
WOULD'VE HAD A GREAT TIME BUT
HAD A HORRIBLE TIME BECAUSE OF
AN SRO OR BECAUSE OF A COP.
>> John: RIGHT.
THE PRESENCE OF POLICE CAN MAKE
SCHOOL MISERABLE FOR SOME KIDS,
AND WE FRANKLY DON'T NEED ANY
MORE WAYS TO MAKE SCHOOL
SCARIER.
IT'S ALREADY TERRIFYING ENOUGH.
IF YOU ASKED ME WHAT'S THE
SCARIEST PLACE I CAN IMAGINE,
IT'S NOT A HAUNTED HOUSE OR THE
INSIDE OF TOM CRUISE'S BRAIN.
IT'S HIGH SCHOOL.
BECAUSE REMEMBER, I WAS THIS.
AND IT'S NOT JUST LOW-KEY
TERRORIZING.
YOU MAY BE FAMILIAR WITH VIRAL
VIDEOS OF SCHOOL COPS BEHAVING
VIOLENTLY, VIDEOS THAT SOMETIMES
WENT ON TO MAKE HEADLINES LIKE
THESE.
AND BECAUSE COPS IN SCHOOLS
ENJOY ALL THE SAME PROTECTIONS
THEY DO EVERYWHERE ELSE, THE
CONSEQUENCES IN MANY OF THESE
CASES CAN BE NONEXISTENT.
IN OSCEOLA COUNTY, FLORIDA,
AN OFFICER WAS FILMED THROWING
A FEMALE STUDENT TO THE FLOOR,
KNOCKING HER UNCONSCIOUS.
BUT HE WASN'T CHARGED WITH ANY
WRONGDOING.
AND HIS SUPERVISOR, THE COUNTY
SHERIFF, FULLY SUPPORTED THAT
OUTCOME.
>> A LOT OF THINGS ARE NEVER
GOING TO LOOK PRETTY ON CAMERA,
BUT GUESS WHAT?
YOU KNOW, THIS WORKED OUT, AND
IT'S A POSITIVE THING FOR LAW
ENFORCEMENT.
>> SHERIFF LOPEZ DEFENDING
DEPUTY FOURNIER'S ACTIONS,
DESPITE CRITICISM AND PUBLIC
SCRUTINY.
>> IT'S UNFORTUNATE THAT THE
YOUNG LADY WENT THROUGH THIS
INCIDENT, BUT IT'S ALSO
UNFORTUNATE THAT MY DEPUTY HAD
TO SUFFER A LOT OF CONSTANT
BASHING AND HARASSMENT,
YOU KNOW, WHEN HE JUST DID WITH
HOW HE WAS TRAINED.
>> John: I HONESTLY THINK NO ONE
MAKES A BETTER CASE FOR
DEFUNDING THE POLICE THAN THE
POLICE THEMSELVES.
IF THROWING A KID TO THE GROUND
AND THEN HAVING YOUR BOSS
COMPLAIN ABOUT HOW EVERYONE WAS
RUDE TO YOU AFTERWARD IS
EMBLEMATIC OF HOW YOU WERE
TRAINED, THEN THE PROBLEM IS
CLEARLY THE TRAINING, THE COPS
THEMSELVES, THE ENTIRE SYSTEM
AND -- NOT FOR NOTHING --
THAT SHERRIFF'S FAKE OAKLEY
SUNGLASSES.
BUT THE SHERIFF OF FLAVORTOWN
HERE DOES RAISE AN INTERESTING
POINT.
SCHOOL POLICE GET TRAINED
AS COPS, BUT THAT MIGHT BE THE
ONLY TRAINING THEY GET.
BECAUSE REQUIREMENTS VARY WIDELY
IN EACH STATE, IF THEY EXIST AT
ALL.
AND NATIONAL TRAINING
REQUIREMENTS FOR SCHOOL-BASED
LAW ENFORCEMENT SIMPLY DO NOT
EXIST.
AND WHEN YOU'VE GOT LAW
ENFORCEMENT STATIONED IN A
SCHOOL, TAKING ORDINARY
DISCIPLINARY SITUATIONS AND
ESCALATING THEM, THE
CONSEQUENCES, AS YOU'VE SEEN,
CAN BE TERRIBLE.
IN RESEARCHING THIS PIECE, WE
FOUND SO MANY STORIES WHERE KIDS
ARE STILL TRAUMATIZED BY THE
EXPERIENCES THEY HAD, EVEN YEARS
LATER, AND FELT IT BOTH CHANGED
THE TRAJECTORY OF THEIR LIVES,
AND HOW THEY INTERACT WITH THE
WORLD.
IF YOU'RE OVER A CERTAIN AGE,
THIS IS SO MUCH MORE PREVALENT
THAN YOU MIGHT THINK.
WE DON'T HAVE A PARTICULARLY
LARGE STAFF, BUT MULTIPLE
MEMBERS OF IT HAVE COME FORWARD
AS WE PUT THIS STORY TOGETHER,
CITING TERRIBLE BEHAVIOR BY
SCHOOL POLICE THEY'D EITHER
DIRECTLY WITNESSED OR
EXPERIENCED FIRST-HAND.
AND WE'RE NOT EVEN GETTING INTO
THE FACT THAT SCHOOLS WITH
SROs HAVE HIGHER RATES OF
EXCLUSIONARY DISCIPLINE --
THINGS LIKE SUSPENSIONS AND
EXPULSIONS -- THAN COMPARABLE
SCHOOLS WITHOUT SROs, WHICH
HAS BEEN SHOWN TO BE ASSOCIATED
WITH LOWER ACADEMIC ACHIEVEMENT,
DROPOUT, AND INCREASED
BEHAVIORAL PROBLEMS BOTH IN AND
OUT OF SCHOOL.
SO WHEN THAT GUY EARLIER ARGUED
FOR MORE POLICE IN EVERY SCHOOL,
SAYING, "WHY NOT?
IT WOULDN'T HURT."
THE ANSWER TO THAT IS,
"IT ABSOLUTELY CAN, AND IT DOES,
ALL THE TIME."
AND FOR ALL THE ARGUING RIGHT
NOW ABOUT HOW WE NEED MORE
POLICE IN SCHOOLS, I'D ARGUE
THAT WE MAY ACTUALLY NEED
SIGNIFICANTLY LESS.
AND SMALL REFORMS JUST AREN'T
GOING TO CUT IT HERE.
SOME PLACES HAVE TRIED THAT,
WITH TACTICS THAT KEPT THE
POLICE IN SCHOOLS BUT TRIED TO
MAKE THEM APPEAR LESS
INTIMIDATING.
ABOUT FIVE YEARS AGO,
SOME DISTRICTS IN MINNESOTA,
WHERE THAT KID WENT TO SCHOOL,
REDESIGNED THEIR SCHOOL POLICE
UNIFORMS TO LIGHT-BLUE POLO
SHIRTS.
SOMETHING THAT, UNSURPRISINGLY,
STUDENTS THERE, INCLUDING HIM,
SAW RIGHT THROUGH.
>> EVERY DAY I GO TO SCHOOL
AS A YOUNG BLACK MALE TEEN,
AND I HAVE TO SEE OUR SRO
JUST WANDERING THE HALLWAYS.
HE'S ALWAYS IN OUR CLASSROOMS.
HE'S ALWAYS IN THE HALLWAYS.
YOUR COMPROMISE IS TO GIVE THEM
SOFTER OUTFITS?
THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.
LIKE, IT'S -- AT THE END OF THE
DAY, A COP IS A COP.
WHETHER YOU DRESS THEM UP IN
RED, YELLOW, BLUE, IT DOESN'T
MATTER.
TEENAGERS AREN'T
TEENAGERS AREN'T STUPID.
YOU CAN'T SEND THE COP UNIFORM
TO A FARM UPSTATE.
THEY KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON.
A COP'S GONNA BE A COP,
NO MATTER WHAT WE DRESS THEM
UP IN.
FUSCHIA?
STILL A COP.
VERMILLION?
STILL A COP.
CHER'S DRESS FROM THE 1986
OSCARS?
STILL A COP.
NOW THEY'RE WEARING SOMETHING
THEY COULDN'T PULL OFF IN THEIR
WILDEST FUCKING DREAMS.
THERE ARE SOME SLIGHTLY BIGGER
STEPS WE COULD TAKE, LIKE
DEMANDING SCHOOL DISTRICTS ADOPT
RULES THAT KEEP COPS OUT OF
ROUTINE STUDENT DISCIPLINE.
WE COULD ALSO REQUIRE THEY HAVE
COMPREHENSIVE TRAINING THAT
INCLUDES DE-ESCALATION AND
WORKING WITH STUDENTS WITH
DISABILITIES.
OR WE COULD JUST TRY AND GET
THEM OUT OF SCHOOLS ALTOGETHER.
SOME CITIES, LIKE OAKLAND,
CALIFORNIA, HAVE DONE THAT.
AND I'M NOT SAYING IT'S SIMPLE.
THERE'S STILL A THOUGHTFUL,
ONGOING CONVERSATION THERE ABOUT
HOW TO HANDLE EVERYTHING FROM
ROUTINE DISCIPLINE TO EMERGENCY
SITUATIONS.
BECAUSE THEY KNOW GETTING RID
OF SCHOOL POLICE DOESN'T MEAN
WALKING AWAY FROM SCHOOL SAFETY.
WHAT IT MEANS IS ASKING
OURSELVES WHAT REALLY KEEPS KIDS
SAFE.
AND I'D ARGUE ONE GOOD WAY TO DO
THAT MIGHT BE TO TAKE THE MONEY
THAT IT SEEMS WE'RE NOW
INEVITABLY ABOUT TO FLOOD TOWARD
SCHOOL COPS, AND INSTEAD, DIRECT
IT TOWARD COUNSELORS, NURSES,
AND ALL THE OTHER RESOURCES THAT
ACTUALLY PROTECT STUDENTS.
SCHOOL POLICE AREN'T THE ANSWER
TO SCHOOL SHOOTINGS.
THE ANSWER TO THAT IS GUN
CONTROL.
AND WHEN WE THROW MORE COPS INTO
SCHOOLS, AS AN EASY WAY OUT OF
THAT DIFFICULT AND NECESSARY
CONVERSATION, WE NOT ONLY FAIL
TO KEEP OUR KIDS SAFE FROM GUN
VIOLENCE, WE CONDEMN THEM TO A
SYSTEM THAT CRIMINALIZES THE
VERY ESSENCE OF CHILDHOOD.
KIDS DESERVE TO BE ANNOYING
WITHOUT BEING ARRESTED.
TO BE SAD AND ANGRY WITHOUT
BEING BODY SLAMMED.
THEY DESERVE TO HAVE TANTRUMS,
THROW CARROTS, DO SCIENCE
EXPERIMENTS, TALK SHIT AND CARVE
THEIR NAME INTO STUFF WITHOUT
RISKING ENDING UP IN THE BACK OF
A POLICE CAR.
THEY DESERVE TO BE CURIOUS,
TO MAKE MISTAKES, TO GO A LITTLE
TOO FAR, TO BE A LITTLE TOO
LOUD.
TO BASICALLY BE A FUCKING KID.
AND THEY DEFINITELY DESERVE
BETTER THAN THE FUNDAMENTAL LIE
THAT THE ONLY THING THAT CAN
STOP A BAD GUY WITH A GUN
IS A GOOD GUY WHO CAN ARREST
A FIVE-YEAR-OLD.
AND NOW THIS.
>> Announcer: AND NOW PEOPLE
ON TV GET A LITTLE TOO BRITISH
FOR THE PLATINUM JUBILEE.
>> WELCOME BACK TO FOX 5 NEWS
LIVE IN LAS VEGAS.
I AM YOUR BRITISH CORRESPONDENT
KEN SMITH.
>> GOOD MORNING, EVERYBODY.
OR SHOULD I SAY CHEERIO, YOU
CHAPS.
>> CHEERIO.
>> HELLO.
HELLO, GOVERNOR.
>> ACROSS THE POND.
SPEAK WE HAVE TO MAKE HER
POSTURE IS GOOD.
CELEBRATE THE QUEEN.
>> PLATINUM JUBILEE.
>> W WILL WE READ THE NEWS IN AN
ACCENT?
>> I'VE BEEN USING AN ACCENT ALL
MORNING.
>> THE QUEEN.
HER CELEBRATIONS.
I'M NOT THE BEST.
>> A FOR EFFORT.
>> THAT'S LIKE MRS. DOUBTFIRE?
>> HELLO!
>> MRS. DOUBTFIRE.
>> DO THE REST OF THE SHOW IN A
BRITISH ACCENT.
>> I DON'T THINK I CAN.
>> QUESTIONS WHETHER SHE WILL BE
ABLE TO ATTEND HER OWN
CELEBRATION?
>> WHY?
>> IT'S BECAUSE OF HEALTH
ISSUES, SO I'M GOING TO DROP THE
ACCIDENT.
>> John: MOVING ON.
I KNOW THIS HAS BEEN
A GRIM COUPLE OF WEEKS, SO
BEFORE WE LEAVE, WE WANTED TO
TALK ABOUT SOMETHING JUST FUN.
SPECIFICALLY: BANANAS.
THE VERY WORST PART
OF A BANANA SPLIT.
AND THE REASON IS, THERE'S
ACTUALLY SOME URGENT, BREAKING
NEWS ABOUT BANANAS.
WELL, TO BE HONEST, IT'S NOT
REALLY URGENT OR BREAKING --
THIS HAPPENED LAST NOVEMBER.
IT'S BARELY EVEN NEWS.
BUT IT IS SOMETHING I WANT TO
SHOW YOU, MAINLY BECAUSE IT'S
SIMPLY AMAZING.
>> VANDALS HAVE ATTEMPTED TO
SEVER THE TOP OF A CONTROVERSIAL
BANANA AND SKULL SCULPTURE
IN FITZROY.
>> THE VANDAL APPEARED OUT OF
NOWHERE LAST NIGHT, CONCEALING
HIS IDENTITY, HIS MOTIVE
UNKNOWN.
>> John: YEAH.
THAT HAPPENED.
A GIANT AUSTRALIAN BANANA IN A
MELBOURNE SUBURB WAS VANDALIZED
WITH A SAW.
AND BY THE WAY -- WHAT A BANANA!
IT'S BASICALLY THE CATE
BLANCHETT OF BANANA SCULPTURES,
IN THAT IT'S A HAUNTINGLY PALE
AUSTRALIAN CREATURE WITH A VERY
STRIKING BONE STRUCTURE.
AND IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHO
WOULD DO A THING LIKE THIS, IT
TURNS OUT, A LOT OF PEOPLE THERE
HAD A MOTIVE BECAUSE THE BANANA
WAS NOT UNIVERSALLY BELOVED.
>> THE CONTROVERSIAL $22,000
WORK HIGHLIGHTING CLIMATE CHANGE
WAS FUNDED BY THE TAC,
PART OF A COUNCIL PROJECT TO
SLOW LOCAL TRAFFIC.
>> EVEN IN QUIRKY FITZROY,
THIS BANANA SPLIT LOCAL OPINION.
>> BRIGHTENS UP THE PLACE.
IT LOOKS GOOD.
>> I THINK OUR MONEY CAN BE
SPENT A LOT WISER.
WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO
REPRESENT?
COULD YOU TELL ME?
>> John: YEAH, PEOPLE WERE
PISSED OFF WITH THAT BANANA.
AND IT'S TRUE.
THE AIM OF THE SCULPTURE
WAS THAT IT WOULD REMIND
THE COMMUNITY ABOUT ROAD SAFETY
BY FORCING PEOPLE
TO SLOW DOWN.
ALTHOUGH I'D ARGUE THAT THIS IS
LESS OF A REMINDER TO SLOW DOWN,
AND MORE AN ENCOURAGEMENT TO
SPEED UP IN ORDER TO GET AWAY
FROM THIS DEMONIC BANANA AS SOON
AS POSSIBLE.
BUT AS FOR THIS WOMAN'S
QUESTION, "WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED
TO REPRESENT?"
WE CAN ACTUALLY HELP ANSWER THAT
FOR YOU.
>> THE TITLE IS FALLEN FRUIT.
>> CONFIDENCE WITHIN WESTERN
SOCIETY AND THE WAY WE'VE BEEN
DRAWN TOWARDS UNSUSTAINABLE
ACCESS.
>> John: WOW, YEAH, THAT IS NOT
THE STATEMENT I THOUGHT THAT
BANANA WAS MAKING!
THE STATEMENT I THOUGHT IT WAS
MAKING IS:
I AM A BIG WEIRD BANANA.
SO I WAS CLEARLY WAY OFF HERE.
NOW, SADLY, THE BANANA WAS
REMOVED AFTER THE VANDALISM, AND
WAS RECENTLY REPLACED BY THIS
GIANT YELLOW FLOWER POT, WHICH
IS CLEARLY NOT AS GOOD.
AND APPARENTLY, THERE'S NOW NO
SIGN OF WHETHER THE BANANA WILL
EVER BE BACK.
WHICH IS A HUGE SHAME.
BECAUSE WHAT'S THE REAL PROBLEM
HERE?
IT'S NOT LIKE AUSTRALIA ISN'T
FULL OF RIDICULOUS ENORMOUS
STATUES.
THERE'S A PROUD TRADITION
OF AUSTRALIAN BIG THINGS:
GIGANTIC SCULPTURES OF
COMMON OBJECTS, LIKE THE BIG
BANANA, WHICH DEMONSTRABLY LIVES
UP TO ITS NAME;
THIS GIANT KOALA BEAR, WHO LOOKS
ABSOLUTELY MORTIFIED;
AND THIS MASSIVE CROCODILE WITH
BOXING GLOVES WHOSE ROLE IS TO
ENTICE TOURISTS TO VISIT THE
VERY REAL TOWN OF HUMPTY DOO,
A STATEMENT SO OFFENSIVELY
AUSTRALIAN THAT, IF IT WEREN'T
TRUE, IT WOULD ACTUALLY BE
RACIST.
BUT SINCE THE CITIZENS OF
MELBOURNE SEEM TO THINK THAT
THEIR MONEY'S BEEN WASTED,
I MIGHT HAVE A SOLUTION.
I WILL GLADLY TAKE THAT BANANA
OFF YOUR HANDS.
WE'VE LONG HAD AN INTEREST IN
AUSTRALIAN ARTIFACTS ON THIS
SHOW.
YOU MAY REMEMBER THAT WE BOUGHT
RUSSELL CROWE'S JOCKSTRAP FROM
THE MOVIE "CINDERELLA MAN,"
AT HIS DIVORCE AUCTION,
INADVERTENTLY FUNDING
THE JOHN OLIVER KOALA
CHLAMYDIA WARD AT
THE AUSTRALIA ZOO.
I PROMISE IT MADE SENSE
AT THE TIME.
IT ALL MADE SENSE AT THE TIME.
THE POINT IS, MELBOURNE, I'M
WILLING TO BUY THAT GIANT BANANA
OFF YOU FOR EXACTLY TEN
AUSTRALIAN DOLLARS
PLUS A $10,000 DONATION TO YOUR
LOCAL FOOD BANK AND $5,000
TO HELP FURTHER FUND THE KOALA
CHLAMYDIA WARD.
BUT WAIT.
WAIT, I'M NOT DONE.
BECAUSE YOU MAY ALSO REMEMBER
THAT WE, TOO, HAVE A STATUE OF A
LARGE, BELLIGERENT REPTILE --
OURS IS AN ALLIGATOR GIVING THE
FINGER -- THAT WE MADE FOR OUR
CONFEDERACY SHOW.
IT'S BEEN SITTING IN OUR
OFFICES, POINTED DIRECTLY AT
DR. OZ'S OFFICES, SO IT COULD
TELL HIM TO GO FUCK HIMSELF
WHEN HE CAME TO WORK EVERY DAY.
BUT AS HE'S NOW GONE, AND AS OF
THIS WEEK, IS THE OFFICIAL
REPUBLICAN SENATE NOMINEE IN
PENNSYLVANIA, WE DON'T REALLY
NEED OUR ALLIGATOR ANYMORE.
WHICH BRINGS ME
TO OUR FULL OFFER.
BECAUSE MELBOURNE, I BELIEVE I
HAVE THE REPLACEMENT STATUE THAT
YOU'RE LOOKING FOR.
IF YOU TAKE US UP ON OUR DEAL,
WE WILL MAKE THOSE DONATIONS,
AND AS A SWEETENER, SEND YOU
THIS MAGNIFICENT CREATURE
ON A SHIP.
AND FRANKLY, I THINK IT'D FIT
RIGHT IN THERE.
WHAT COULD BE MORE AUSTRALIAN
THAN A DANGEROUS ANIMAL TELLING
ANYONE WHO COMES NEAR IT TO GO
FUCK THEMSELVES?
SO IF YOU TAKE US UP ON OUR
OFFER, THIS GUY'S YOURS,
MELBOURNE.
YOU HAVE EXACTLY ONE WEEK TO GET
BACK TO US.
SEND US YOUR BANANA!
THAT'S OUR SHOW.
THANK YOU SO
MUCH FOR WATCHING.
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
GOOD NIGHT!