♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> John: WELCOME, WELCOME,
WELCOME TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT."
I'M JOHN OLIVER.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING
US.
IT HAS BEEN A BUSY WEEK.
AND I'D LOVE TO TALK ABOUT THE
FACT BEYONCE RELEASED A NEW
SINGLE, OR THAT THIS FLOPPY KING
BECAME THE FIRST BLOODHOUND TO
WIN THE WESTMINSTER DOG SHOW.
LOOK AT HIM!
LOOK AT THAT WINGSPAN!
HE LOOKS LIKE A STONED SEAPLANE!
BUT SADLY, I CAN'T DO THAT,
THANKS TO THE SUPREME COURT,
WHICH HAD ITSELF A BANNER
FUCKING WEEK.
ON THURSDAY THEY STRUCK DOWN
NEW YORK'S CONCEALED CARRY LAW,
THEN ON FRIDAY, ONE-UPPED
THEMSELVES WITH THIS:
>> TONIGHT, THE LANDMARK RULING.
THE SUPREME COURT OVERTURNING
ROE V. WADE, TAKING AWAY THE
CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT TO
ABORTION.
THE IMPACT ROUGHLY HALF THE
STATES EXPECTED TO BAN ABORTION,
13 STATES WITH TRIGGER LAWS
BANNING ABORTION IMMEDIATELY OR
SOON.
>> John: YEAH.
IT'S ABSOLUTELY HORRIFYING.
AND LOOK, I KNOW FOR MANY OF YOU
OUT THERE, THE VERY LAST THING
YOU NEED RIGHT NOW IS FOR SOME
WHITE GUY WHO'LL NEVER NEED AN
ABORTION TO TELL YOU HOW BAD
THINGS ARE IN A CADENCE THAT CAN
BEST BE DESCRIBED AS "WHAT IF
YOU SANG JOURNEY AT KARAOKE AND
YOUR VOICE GOT STUCK," BUT WE
ARE HERE AND WE'VE GOT TO TALK
ABOUT THIS.
BECAUSE IT'S BEEN A HORRENDOUS
FEW DAYS.
AND WHAT'S MADE IT EVEN HARDER
HAS BEEN HAVING TO WATCH SHIT
LIKE THIS:
>> ATTORNEY GENERAL KEN PAXTON
SAYS HE'S CELEBRATING THE
SUPREME COURT OPINION TODAY.
HE ACTUALLY CLOSED HIS OFFICES
AT NOON TODAY BECAUSE OF THIS
DECISION.
HE SAYS, GOING FORWARD, JUNE
24TH WILL BE AN ANNUAL HOLIDAY
FOR THE OFFICE OF THE ATTORNEY
GENERAL.
>> John: NOPE.
FUCK YOU.
[LAUGHTER]
FIRST, JUNE 24TH IS ALREADY A
HOLIDAY.
IT'S SOLANGE'S BIRTHDAY AND SHE
DOES NOT DESERVE THIS ON HER
DAY.
SECOND, NOBODY WANTS TO GO TO A
"SANCTITY OF LIFE ANTI-CHOICE"
COOKOUT, THE POTATO SALAD IS
GOING TO BE TRASH.
FINALLY, YOU DON'T GET A HOLIDAY
TO CELEBRATE THE LOSS OF RIGHTS
FOR MILLIONS OF PEOPLE, WHEN YOU
ALREADY HAVE ONE, AND IT'S
CALLED "COLUMBUS DAY."
[APPLAUSE]
IT IS HARD TO STOMACH SOME OF
THE GLEEFUL RESPONSES RIGHT NOW.
MIKE PENCE ISSUED THE STATEMENT,
"LIFE WON," WHICH IS PRETTY
TOUGH TO TAKE, GIVEN THAT FOR
SOME, ESPECIALLY DISABLED PEOPLE
AND OTHER VULNERABLE GROUPS,
FORCED PREGNANCY COULD BE A
DEATH SENTENCE.
AND MAKE NO MISTAKE: THIS
DECISION IS SWEEPING.
IT SAYS STATES COULD LIMIT
ABORTION AT ALL STAGES OF
DEVELOPMENT -- PHRASING THAT
COULD MEAN FROM THE MOMENT OF
CONCEPTION ONWARD, WITH NO
EXCEPTIONS.
AND WHILE THE SUPREME COURT'S
CONSTANTLY DISAPPOINTING, I
GUESS IT SHOULDN'T BE THAT
SURPRISING.
THE INTERVIEW PROCESS WHERE
YOU CAN SAY -- AND I QUOTE --
"YES, WE DRANK BEER.
MY FRIENDS AND I.
BOYS AND GIRLS.
YES, WE DRANK BEER.
I LIKED BEER.
STILL LIKE BEER.
WE DRANK BEER," AND STILL GET
THE JOB, DOESN'T NECESSARILY
PRODUCE THE BEST RESULTS.
[LAUGHTER]
NOW, SOME SUPPORTERS OF THE
DECISION HAVE TRIED TO MINIMIZE
ITS IMPACTS, CLAIMING IT
MERELY RETURNS THE ISSUE TO THE
STATES.
OTHERS SAID THAT PEOPLE CAN JUST
CHOOSE TO HAVE THEIR MANDATORY
BABY ADOPTED, OR GO TO A STATE
THAT ALLOWS ABORTION.
BUT FIRST, EVEN WHEN PLANNED,
PREGNANCY IS, BEST-CASE
SCENARIO, A MAJOR MEDICAL EVENT
THAT RIPS OPEN YOUR BUTT,
REARRANGES YOUR ORGANS, THEN
PUTS THEM BACK IN WRONG, AND
ANYONE WHO GENUINELY ADVOCATES
ADOPTION AS A REASONABLE
ALTERNATIVE HAS CLEARLY NEVER
HEARD THE WORD "PROLAPSE."
[LAUGHTER]
AND THE IDEA THAT YOU CAN SIMPLY
SEEK AN ABORTION IN ANOTHER
STATE IS INSULTING ON ITS FACE,
EVEN BEFORE YOU CONSIDER THAT
SOME LAWMAKERS ARE ALREADY
OPENLY LOOKING FOR WAYS TO
PUNISH OUT-OF-STATE ABORTIONS.
IN SOME WAYS, WE'RE IN UNCHARTED
TERRITORY HERE.
BECAUSE WHEN YOU HEAR PEOPLE SAY
WE'RE RETURNING TO A PRE-ROE
LANDSCAPE, THAT'S NOT ENTIRELY
TRUE.
THIS IS A DIFFERENT WORLD NOW.
IN SOME WAYS, IT'S BETTER.
THERE ARE NEW, LESS INVASIVE
WAYS FOR PEOPLE TO TERMINATE
PREGNANCIES, LIKE WITH
MEDICATIONS.
BUT THERE ARE ALSO NEW WAYS FOR
THE STATE TO MONITOR PEOPLE.
MEANING THAT IN STATES WHERE
ABORTION WILL NOW BE OUTLAWED,
ANY PREGNANCY LOSS PAST AN EARLY
CUTOFF CAN NOW POTENTIALLY BE
INVESTIGATED AS A CRIME, WHICH
IN TURN MEANS SEARCH HISTORIES,
BROWSING HISTORIES, TEXT
MESSAGES, LOCATION DATA, PAYMENT
DATA, INFORMATION FROM
PERIOD-TRACKING APPS --
PROSECUTORS CAN EXAMINE ALL OF
THAT IF THEY BELIEVE THE LOSS OF
A PREGNANCY MAY HAVE BEEN
DELIBERATE.
AND THAT IS NOT THE ONLY
PANDORA'S BOX THIS RULING HAS
OPENED.
BECAUSE CLARENCE THOMAS, IN HIS
CONCURRENCE, INDICATED HE'D
ACTUALLY LIKE TO GO A LITTLE
FURTHER.
>> HE WRITES, QUOTE, "IN FUTURE
CASES, WE SHOULD RECONSIDER ALL
OF THIS COURT'S SUBSTANTIVE DUE
PROCESS PRECEDENTS, INCLUDING
GRISWOLD, LAWRENCE, AND
OBERGEFELL."
HE'S TALKING ABOUT RECONSIDERING
DECISIONS ON GAY RIGHTS AND THE
RIGHT TO CONTRACEPTION.
>> John: YEAH, CLARENCE THOMAS
WANTS TO UPHOLD THE SANCTITY OF
MARRIAGE.
BECAUSE AS WE ALL KNOW, MARRIAGE
IS BETWEEN ONE MAN CREDIBLY
ACCUSED OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT AND
ONE WOMAN WHO WANTED TO
OVERTHROW A PRESIDENTIAL
ELECTION.
Y'KNOW, THE WAY GOD INTENDED.
[LAUGHTER]
NOW, ON ONE HAND, THE MAJORITY
DECISION DOES STATE THAT IT ONLY
CONCERNS THE RIGHT TO AN
ABORTION, AND NOT THOSE OTHER
ISSUES.
BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, THAT
LANGUAGE BY NO MEANS PRECLUDES
THE COURT FROM ONE DAY DECIDING,
"YOU KNOW WHAT, WE THINK IT DOES
APPLY NOW!"
AND BESIDES, WHAT KIND OF IDIOT
WOULD EVEN PRETEND TO BELIEVE
ANY REASSURANCES FROM THESE
JUSTICES?
YOU'RE RIGHT, IT'S SUSAN
COLLINS.
SUSAN COLLINS WOULD ABSOLUTELY
BE THAT FUCKING IDIOT.
[LAUGHTER]
AND THE THING IS, EVEN IF WE
DON'T GO DOWN THAT SLIPPERY
SLOPE, THIS IS ALREADY BAD
ENOUGH.
BECAUSE WHAT THE SUPREME COURT
HAS JUST DONE IS UTTERLY
DEVASTATING.
THE MESSAGE IT SENDS IS PRETTY
CLEAR: "WE DON'T CARE IF
PREGNANCY KILLS YOU.
WE DON'T CARE IF YOU DON'T WANT
TO BE PREGNANT.
WE DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU AT ALL."
AND FOR THOSE LIKE
REPRESENTATIVE CORI BUSH, WHO'VE
BEEN ABLE TO AVAIL THEMSELVES OF
ABORTION SERVICES IN THE PAST,
AND KNOW HOW LIFE-CHANGING THEY
CAN BE, IT IS HARD TO CONSIDER
WHAT THE FUTURE NOW HOLDS FOR
OTHERS IN THEIR POSITION.
>> SO, I'M STANDING AT THE PLACE
WHERE I HAD MY OWN ABORTION CARE
SERVICES AT 18-YEARS-OLD.
I GOT RAPED WHEN I WAS 17.
AND I WAS ABLE TO BE BACK HERE
WITH THE SECRETARY --
>> THAT WAS HERE?
>> HERE -- AS WE'RE TALKING,
WE'RE SITTING WITH THE
SECRETARY -- THAT ANNOUNCEMENT
WAS MADE.
IT -- IT BROKE MY HEART.
BECAUSE I'M THINKING ABOUT THE
PEOPLE WHO TODAY FOUND OUT THAT
THEY WERE PREGNANT, WHO FOUND
OUT THEY WERE PREGNANT A FEW
WEEKS AGO, AND WERE TRYING TO
FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO.
TO RESTRICT PEOPLE'S RIGHT TO
THEIR OWN BODY AND THEIR OWN
DECISIONS, IT -- IT BROKE ME
DOWN.
I THINK ABOUT MY DAUGHTER WHO
WILL NEVER -- WHO WILL NEVER
KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO LIVE IN A
A ROE V. WADE CONSTITUTIONALLY
PROTECTED SOCIETY.
>> John: YEAH.
THIS IS GUTTING.
THERE IS A HUGE AMOUNT OF
UNDERSTANDABLE RAGE RIGHT NOW.
AND THERE ARE CERTAINLY PLENTY
OF INDIVIDUALS AND INSTITUTIONS
WORTHY OF THAT ANGER.
WE'VE TALKED BEFORE, MULTIPLE
TIMES, ABOUT HOW EXACTLY WE GOT
HERE: THE YEARS OF PLANNING BY
ANTI-ABORTION FORCES, AND THE
FAILURE OF DEMOCRATS TO
EFFECTIVELY MOBILIZE TO STOP
THEM.
AND IT'S BEEN DISPIRITING TO SEE
SO MANY DEMOCRATS THIS WEEK FAIL
TO MEET THE MOMENT -- A MOMENT,
BY THE WAY, THEY HAD NEARLY TWO
MONTHS TO PLAN FOR.
NANCY PELOSI READ A POEM, ONE
REP TWEETED A PICTURE OF HIMSELF
DOING YOGA, AND SO MANY
DEMOCRATS SENT OUT REQUESTS FOR
MONEY, REALLY FULFILLING THAT
OLD DEMOCRATIC ADAGE, "WHEN THEY
GO LOW, WE ASK YOU FOR $15."
[LAUGHTER]
ALL OF WHICH SEEMED COMPLETELY
OUT OF TOUCH WITH HOW PEOPLE
WERE FEELING.
HONESTLY, A MUCH BETTER RESPONSE
CAME FROM THE GATORS DAILY
ACCOUNT, TWITTER'S NUMBER-ONE
CROCODILIAN INFLUENCER, WHICH
SIMPLY POSTED: "FUCK THE SUPREME
COURT" AND THEN ADDED, "IF YOU
DON'T AGREE, GET THE FUCK OFF MY
PAGE.
EVERY ALLIGATOR HATES YOU AND I
HOPE YOUR FAMILY IS CURSED FOR
SEVERAL GENERATIONS TO NEVER
SEE AN ALLIGATOR AGAIN."
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
THAT IS SOME STRONG MESSAGING!
AND I DON'T MEAN TO SUGGEST ALL
DEMOCRATS FELL SHORT.
SOME, LIKE CORI BUSH AND AOC,
SEEMED TO UNDERSTAND WHAT PEOPLE
WERE GOING THROUGH, AS DID, BY
THE WAY, THE MICHIGAN
LEGISLATIVE BLACK CAUCUS,
WHICH RELEASED A STATEMENT
SAYING, AND I QUOTE, "THIS IS
SOME BULLSHIT."
WHICH IT ABSOLUTELY IS.
AND I AM NOT SAYING THAT ALL I
WANT FROM LEADERS IS SHOWS OF
ANGER.
BUT IT HAS BEEN DEPRESSING TO
SEE SO MANY OF THEM TREAT THE
END OF ROE V. WADE WITH THE
SOLEMNITY OF A FUNERAL, INSTEAD
OF THE URGENCY OF A FUCKING
CARDIAC ARREST!
AND THEY STAND IN STARK CONTRAST
TO THE GROUPS ON THE GROUND
WHO'VE BEEN DISPLAYING THAT
URGENCY FOR YEARS NOW.
THEY FOUGHT RELENTLESSLY AS
ABORTION RIGHTS HAVE BEEN
CHIPPED AWAY ALL OVER THE
COUNTRY, AND THEY HAVE WORKED
TIRELESSLY TO FIND WAYS AROUND
EACH RESTRICTION, AND PROVIDE
HEALTHCARE SERVICES FOR THOSE
WHO HAVE BEEN DENIED THEM, EVEN
WHEN IT WAS VERY HARD.
VOLUNTEERS WALKED PEOPLE INTO
CLINICS, AND DOCTORS FLEW IN TO
PROVIDE PROCEDURES.
ABORTION ADVOCATES DID ALL OF
THIS, EVEN AS THEY WERE BEING
YELLED AT FROM ONE SIDE, AND
TOLD THAT THEY WERE OVERREACTING
BY THE OTHER.
AND THEIR UNFLINCHING COMMITMENT
AND COMPASSION IS SOMETHING WE
ARE ALL GOING TO NEED TO FIND
WAYS TO EMULATE GOING FORWARD,
BOTH ON AN INDIVIDUAL LEVEL, AS
WE HELP ONE ANOTHER NAVIGATE THE
NIGHTMARISH MAZE THAT BASIC
HEALTH CARE IS ABOUT TO BECOME.
AND HOPEFULLY, EVENTUALLY, ON AN
INSTITUTIONAL ONE, IF THOSE IN
POWER CAN DEMONSTRATE ENOUGH
COMMITMENT TO THIS FIGHT.
LOOK, TIME WILL TELL WHAT THIS
WEEK ACTUALLY WAS.
IF IT WAS A PERMANENT SETBACK, A
WAYSTATION ALONG A FURTHER
DESCENT INTO HELL.
OR IF IT GALVANIZED A MOVEMENT
THAT EVENTUALLY WON BACK
EVERYTHING THAT WE JUST LOST.
BUT THE ONLY THING I KNOW FOR
SURE RIGHT NOW IS THAT THIS WEEK
WAS HEARTBREAKING, IT WAS
ENRAGING, IT WAS A SUPREME
INJUSTICE, AND IT WAS, IF I MAY
QUOTE THE MICHIGAN LEGISLATIVE
BLACK CAUCUS, "SOME ABSOLUTE
BULLSHIT."
AND NOW THIS.
[APPLAUSE]
>> Announcer: AND NOW, IN THE
INTEREST OF GIVING YOU SOMETHING
VERY STUPID: BETTER NAMES FOR
THE DOGS FROM THIS YEAR'S
WESTMINSTER DOG SHOW.
HAMBURGER.
WORM.
THE EROTIC COWBOY.
ALLEN.
JEFFREY EPSTEIN, NO RELATION.
CAT ENJOYER.
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
WEIRD PHIL.
SNACKS.
THE OLD WORLD IS DYING AND THE
NEW WORLD STRUGGLES TO BE BORN,
NOW IS THE TIME OF MONSTERS.
ALLEN 2.
NICOLE KIDMAN.
MTV'S "RIDICULOUSNESS."
AND, TODD.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
>> John: MOVING ON.
OUR MAIN STORY TONIGHT CONCERNS
WATER.
IT'S NOT JUST THE ONE THING YOUR
HOUSEPLANT NEEDED THAT YOU
COULDN'T EVEN PROVIDE, IT'S ALSO
THE ENGINE THAT ONCE POWERED
THIS CLASSIC TOY.
>> WHAT'S THIS CRAZY THING?
WHY, IT'S THE WHAM-O WATER
WIGGLE.
YOU'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE
IT!
JUST HOOK UP TO A HOSE AND LOOK,
A NEW FUN GAME!
IT'S PRACTICALLY ALIVE!
YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT THE WATER
WIGGLE WILL DO NEXT.
>> John: YES, THE WATER WIGGLE!
YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT IT WILL DO
NEXT!
EXCEPT KILL SOME PEOPLE.
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THE WATER
WIGGLE DID.
IT KILLED MULTIPLE PEOPLE AND IT
WAS RECALLED.
THAT'S RIGHT, WE'RE LESS THAN
TWO MINUTES INTO THE PIECE AND
I'VE ALREADY HIT YOU WITH A
TRADEMARK JOHN OLIVER SAD FACT.
>> SAD FACT!
[LAUGHTER]
>> John: WATER IS OBVIOUSLY
VITAL TO ALL LIFE ON EARTH.
OUR BODIES ARE ESSENTIALLY BAGS
OF BONES AND MEAT SUSPENDED IN
WATER.
BUT ALREADY, 3.6 BILLION PEOPLE,
NEARLY HALF THE WORLD'S
POPULATION, LIVE IN AREAS THAT
SUFFER WATER SCARCITY AT LEAST
ONE MONTH EACH YEAR.
AND WHILE THIS IS CLEARLY
BECOMING A PROBLEM EVERYWHERE,
TONIGHT, WE'RE GOING TO FOCUS ON
THE AMERICAN WEST, WHERE THE
LAST SEVERAL DECADES HAVE SEEN A
RECORD-BREAKING DROUGHT.
THE SOUTHWEST IS ACTUALLY GOING
THROUGH ITS DRIEST 22-YEAR
PERIOD SINCE 800 A.D.!
THAT IS AS FAR BACK AS THE DATA
GOES, WHICH IS PRETTY STARTLING,
PARTLY BECAUSE I CAN'T BELIEVE
SOMEONE BACK THEN WAS EVEN
KEEPING DROUGHT RECORDS.
IT WAS PROBABLY THE 9TH CENTURY
VERSION OF ME: SOME LANKY,
NEAR-SIGHTED DWEEB WHO SQUEALED,
"I'LL BE THE OFFICIAL DROUGHT
DADDY!
I'LL COUNT THE WETS!"
[LAUGHTER]
AND THIS DROUGHT HAS HAD MASSIVE
IMPACT ON THE COLORADO RIVER,
IN PARTICULAR, WHICH IS A KEY
SOURCE OF WATER FOR MOST OF THE
SOUTHWESTERN STATES.
>> 22 YEARS OF DROUGHT, COMBINED
WITH EXPLODING POPULATIONS IN
COLORADO AND THROUGHOUT THE
SOUTHWEST, HAVE LED TO
RECORD-LOW LEVELS AT BOTH LAKE
POWELL IN UTAH AND LAKE MEAD
OUTSIDE LAS VEGAS, WHERE AN
EXPANDING WHITE RING OF MINERAL
DEPOSITS IS PROBABLY THE MOST
VISUAL EVIDENCE OF THE RIVER'S
DECLINE.
>> IT'S DIRE.
THE SITUATION ALONG THE COLORADO
RIVER IS DIRE, AND I'M NOT SURE
IT'S GOING TO GET BETTER, EVER.
>> John: WOW.
THAT IS A BLEAK THING TO HEAR AN
ENVIRONMENTAL EXPERT SAY.
BUT THEN, THE NEWS HERE IS
BLEAK.
WATER LEVELS IN LAKE MEAD HAVE
NOW FALLEN SO MUCH THAT YOU MAY
HAVE SEEN: AUTHORITIES HAVE
FOUND HUMAN REMAINS THERE,
TWICE, IN JUST ONE WEEK.
WHICH REALLY FREAKED ME OUT,
UNTIL I REMEMBERED THAT I DUMPED
THAT HITCHHIKER IN LAKE MOJAVE,
NOT LAKE MEAD.
SO, I'M GOOD.
[LAUGHTER]
AND WHILE YOU'D LIKE TO THINK A
SITUATION THIS DIRE WOULD CAUSE
PEOPLE TO BE MORE MINDFUL OF OUR
WATER USAGE, INSTEAD, WE'RE
SEEING STORIES LIKE THIS.
>> RIGHT NOW, IT'S AN EMPTY PLOT
OF LAND COVERED WITH BRUSH.
BUT IF DEVELOPER REGENT
PROPERTIES GETS THE GO-AHEAD,
THE OPEN DESERT WILL BE
TRANSFORMED INTO THIS, THE
$750 MILLION THERMAL BEACH CLUB.
UNDER THE CURRENT PLAN, THE
DEVELOPER WANTS TO BUILD 326
LUXURY HOMES HERE AT THE SITE,
ALL SURROUNDING A 20-ACRE
SURFING LAGOON.
>> John: THAT'S RIGHT: A 20-ACRE
SURFING LAGOON IN THE MIDDLE OF
THE CALIFORNIA DESERT, ONE OF AT
LEAST FOUR NEW SURF LAGOONS
PROPOSED OUT THERE.
THAT IS JUST MONUMENTALLY
STUPID.
I'M SURPRISED THEY DIDN'T GO
EVEN FURTHER.
"NOT ONLY DO WE HAVE SURFING
LAGOONS, WE ALSO HAVE A WALL OF
CONSTANTLY FLUSHING TOILETS, A
HOSE THAT RUNS ALL DAY IN THE
MIDDLE OF A CONCRETE PARKING
LOT, AND OF COURSE, WET FRANK, A
MAN WE PAY TO DUMP BUCKETS OF
WATER ON HIMSELF ALL DAY."
KEEP IT UP, FRANK!
WE STAN A DAMP LEGEND!
[LAUGHTER]
AND WHILE DEVELOPMENT LIKE THAT
IS OBVIOUSLY NOT IDEAL, IT IS
DEPRESSINGLY CONSISTENT WITH OUR
APPROACH TO WATER OUT WEST,
BECAUSE IT'S BEEN A HISTORY OF
DENIAL AND WISHFUL THINKING,
ESPECIALLY AROUND THE COLORADO
RIVER, THAT IS NOW CRASHING INTO
HARSH REALITY.
SO TONIGHT, LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT
OUR WATER SHORTAGE, HOW IT'S
BEEN IMPACTED BY THE CHOICES
WE'VE MADE, AND WHAT WE CAN DO
ABOUT IT.
AND LET'S START WITH HOW THE
COLORADO RIVER IS MANAGED.
BECAUSE A LOT OF PROBLEMS WE'RE
SEEING TODAY CAN BE TRACED BACK
TO DECISIONS THAT WERE MADE A
CENTURY AGO.
>> THIS PRECIOUS RESOURCE IS
ALLOCATED BASED ON A 1922
AGREEMENT CALLED THE COLORADO
RIVER COMPACT.
ONCE THE RIVER BASIN STATES
AGREED ON THEIR FAIR SHARES,
THEY EACH ESTABLISHED A
SENIORITY SYSTEM, FIRST IN TIME,
FIRST IN RIGHT.
>> John: IT'S TRUE: SEVEN STATES
GOT TOGETHER AND CARVED UP ALL
THE WATER IN THE RIVER,
ESSENTIALLY LETTING PEOPLE LAY
CLAIM TO IT THROUGH A COMPLEX
SYSTEM OF CALLING DIBS.
AND LOOK, I'VE GOT NO PROBLEM
WITH "DIBS" IN PRINCIPLE.
IT'S A GREAT WAY TO FIGURE OUT
WHO GETS THE LAST SLICE OF
PIZZA, OR THE PINK STARBUSTS, OR
THE CUTEST BABY AT THE HOSPITAL.
[LAUGHTER]
I DON'T CARE IF YOU GAVE BIRTH
TO HER, I CALLED DIBS!
THAT ONE IS MINE!
BUT IT IS A WEIRD WAY TO DIVIDE
UP SOMETHING AS IMPORTANT AS
WATER.
THE COLORADO RIVER COMPACT
SERVES AS THE FOUNDATION FOR
WHAT'S KNOWN AS THE "LAW OF THE
RIVER."
WHICH SOUNDS LESS LIKE A SET OF
WATER MANAGEMENT AGREEMENTS AND
MORE LIKE AN ANIMATED BUDDY COP
MOVIE STARRING A TROUT AND A
BEAR, VOICED BY TWO ACTORS WHO
ARE BOTH WILDLY ANTISEMITIC.
BUT THERE WERE A FEW MAJOR
PROBLEMS WITH HOW THE COMPACT
WAS SET UP, RIGHT FROM THE
START.
FIRST, MEXICO WASN'T INCLUDED,
AND EVEN THOUGH IT IS TODAY, THE
RIVER ESSENTIALLY RUNS DRY BY
THE TIME IT GETS ACROSS THE
BORDER.
AND THE COMPACT ALSO DIDN'T
SPECIFICALLY ADDRESS THE WATER
NEEDS OF THE MORE THAN TWO DOZEN
NATIVE AMERICAN TRIBES WHO
DEPEND ON THE RIVER.
WHICH IS PRETTY SHITTY,
ESPECIALLY AS THOSE TRIBES DO
HAVE THE MOST SENIOR WATER
RIGHTS, GIVEN THEY WERE, IN A
VERY REAL SENSE, HERE FIRST.
THEY HAVE THE ULTIMATE DIBS.
BUT EVEN SO, MANY TRIBES HAVE
HAD TO STRUGGLE TO GET THOSE
WATER RIGHTS ACTUALLY QUANTIFIED
ON PAPER, AND EVEN THEN, TO GET
THE INFRASTRUCTURE THEY NEED IN
ORDER TO ACCESS IT.
AND FOR MANY TRIBES, THOSE
FIGHTS ARE STILL HAPPENING.
BUT IT WASN'T JUST ABOUT WHO THE
COMPACT LEFT OUT.
ANOTHER KEY FLAW WAS THAT, RIGHT
FROM THE START, IT ALLOCATED
MORE WATER THAN ACTUALLY
EXISTED.
WATER SUPPLIES ARE MEASURED IN
ACRE-FEET, AND THE COMPACT
DIVIDED UP RIGHTS TO 15 MILLION
ACRE FEET OF WATER, EVEN THOUGH
THE RIVER ONLY CARRIES AROUND 12
TO 13 MILLION.
AND TO BE CLEAR, THEY KNEW THIS
WAS A PROBLEM AT THE TIME.
THE EXPLORER AND SCIENTIST JOHN
WESLEY POWELL WARNED IN 1893,
"THERE IS NOT SUFFICIENT WATER
TO SUPPLY THESE LANDS."
BUT THE BULLSHIT MATH NEVER
STOPPED.
JUST TEN YEARS AGO, IN A MAJOR
STUDY BY THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT,
STATES FORCED THE MODELERS TO
ADD SO-CALLED "MAGIC WATER,"
EXTRA WATER THAT EXISTED IN THE
COMPUTER MODEL ONLY, WHICH IS
JUST ABSURD!
AND NOT ONLY BECAUSE "MAGIC
WATER" SOUNDS LIKE A EUPHEMISM
FOR URINE USED EXCLUSIVELY BY
BJORK.
"IT'S ME, BJORK.
SOMETIMES I HAVE TO MAKE THE
MAGIC WATER.
[GIGGLES]
BUT IT TAKES FOREVER TO GET OUT
OF THIS SWAN!"
[LAUGHTER]
AND I DO GET WHY STATES MIGHT
WANT TO PRETEND THERE'S MORE
WATER THAN THERE IS: BECAUSE
THEY WANT CONTINUED GROWTH AND
ECONOMIC DEVELOPMENT.
AND NOBODY WANTS TO BE THE BAD
GUY POINTING OUT THE FUNDAMENTAL
PROBLEM WITH THAT.
JUST LISTEN TO A REPORTER
PRESSING A REPRESENTATIVE OF
SOUTHERN NEVADA'S WATER
AUTHORITY ON HOW THEY CAN
JUSTIFY GROWTH IN THE FACE OF
LOOMING WATER SCARCITY.
>> BUT SOMETHING'S GOT TO GIVE.
I MEAN, YOU CAN'T JUST KEEP
EXPANDING THE POPULATION SIZE
WITH A DWINDLING WATER SUPPLY.
I MEAN, THAT'S JUST NOT
SUSTAINABLE.
>> THAT'S JUST HUMAN NATURE.
I MEAN, THAT REALLY KIND OF GOES
BACK TO MANIFEST DESTINY.
IT GOES BACK TO, SORT OF, THIS
AMERICAN DREAM.
YOU'RE GOING TO CONTINUE TO SEE
PEOPLE MOVING TO THE DESERT
SOUTHWEST.
SO, FROM OUR PERSPECTIVE AS
WATER MANAGERS, IT IS UP TO US
TO MAKE SURE THAT WE'RE ABLE TO
MEET THE DEMANDS OF OUR
COMMUNITY, REGARDLESS OF WHAT
OUR NUMBERS MIGHT BE.
>> John: OKAY, SO THERE'S A LOT
THERE, INCLUDING THE PHRASE
"MANIFEST DESTINY," WHICH AS WE
ALL KNOW, ONLY HAS GOOD
CONNOTATIONS.
[LAUGHTER]
LIKE "A SELF-PUBLISHED BOOK
ABOUT MY STRUGGLE," OR "I REALLY
WANT TO IMPRESS JODIE FOSTER,"
OR "HELLO, MY NAME IS TED CRUZ."
[LAUGHTER]
NO RED FLAGS THERE AT ALL.
BUT AGAIN, YOU CAN UNDERSTAND
WHY HE FEELS THE NEED TO RESPOND
THAT WAY.
NOBODY WANTS TO BE THE ONE
HAVING TO DELIVER BAD NEWS.
BUT THE IMMOVABLE FACT IS
CITIES IN THE DESERT CAN'T GROW
WITHOUT LIMIT, AND HARD
SACRIFICES WILL HAVE TO BE MADE.
WHICH BRINGS US TO ANOTHER
FUNDAMENTAL TENSION HERE,
SPECIFICALLY BETWEEN FARMERS AND
CITIES.
BECAUSE FARMERS AND RANCHERS
WERE OUT WEST MUCH EARLIER THAN
MOST AMERICAN CITIES WERE
ESTABLISHED, MEANING THEY HAVE
SENIOR WATER RIGHTS, AND THEY
USE THEM.
AGRICULTURE USES ABOUT 70% OF
THE COLORADO RIVER WATER.
AND OBVIOUSLY, AGRICULTURE NEEDS
WATER, AND NO ONE WANTS A
SITUATION WHERE WE CREATE FOOD
SHORTAGES.
BUT IT'S WORTH KNOWING: IN SOME
PLACES, FARMERS ARE INCENTIVIZED
TO USE THEIR ALLOCATION TO A
TRULY NONSENSICAL DEGREE.
MANY STATES ALONG THE RIVER HAVE
RULES PROMISING TO CONFISCATE
WATER RIGHTS IF WATER USERS
DON'T MAXIMIZE THEIR USE.
BASICALLY, USE IT OR LOSE IT.
AND THAT HAS INGRAINED CERTAIN
HABITS.
JUST LISTEN TO THIS FARMER IN
ARIZONA EXPLAINING WHY HE CHOSE
TO GROW A PARTICULARLY
WATER-INTENSIVE CROP.
>> I'VE JUST BEEN FARMING IT,
THIS ALFALFA.
YOU GOT TO KEEP FARMING IT TO
KEEP THE WATER, AND THAT'S WHY I
WAS MAINLY DOING IT, WAS TO HANG
ON TO THE WATER.
>> John: OKAY, FIRST, I DON'T
KNOW WHO WAS FILMING HIM THERE
BUT THAT CAMERA IS SIMPLY TOO
CLOSE.
BACK UP AND GIVE THAT MAN SOME
SPACE!
[LAUGHTER]
THAT IS JUST TOO MUCH FACE.
BUT SECOND, HE FARMED ALFALFA
JUST SO HE COULD HOLD ONTO HIS
WATER RIGHTS, WHICH FEELS
RIDICULOUS.
THE ONLY MORE ABSURD WAY HE
COULD'VE USED WATER IN THAT
FIELD IS IF HE'D ALSO PLANTED
WET FRANK.
[LAUGHTER]
GREAT WORK, FRANK!
THE SOGGY PRINCE DID IT AGAIN.
SO FOR ALL THOSE REASONS, MANY
RELATED TO THE COMPACT'S
ORIGINAL OVERALLOCATION, THE
COLORADO RIVER IS SHRINKING.
BUT WHAT THAT IS LEADING TO IS
WATER USERS INCREASINGLY TURNING
TO ANOTHER MAJOR SOURCE:
GROUNDWATER.
GROUNDWATER IS EXACTLY WHAT IT
SOUNDS LIKE: WATER UNDER THE
GROUND.
IT SLOWLY COLLECTS IN AQUIFERS
BENEATH THE EARTH'S SURFACE,
ACCUMULATING WHEN RAIN,
SNOWMELT, AND OTHER NATURAL
WATER SOURCES SEEP INTO THE
GROUND.
BUT IMPORTANTLY, SOME OF THESE
AQUIFERS TOOK THOUSANDS, IF NOT
MILLIONS OF YEARS TO FILL.
SO IF WE PUMP THEM DRY, THEY'RE
NOT COMING BACK ANYTIME SOON.
BUT THAT'S NOT ALWAYS REFLECTED
IN OUR POLICIES.
TAKE ARIZONA, FOR INSTANCE.
IN 80% OF THE STATE, THERE ARE
NO LAWS PROTECTING HOW MUCH
WATER IS TAKEN FROM THE GROUND.
AND WHEN YOU HAVE NO LIMITS, IT
IS, UNSURPRISINGLY, A
FREE-FOR-ALL.
>> OVER THE PAST FIVE YEARS,
FARMLANDS HAVE INCREASED BY
ALMOST A THIRD IN ARIZONA.
THE NUMBER OF WELLS HAS RISEN
FROM 43 TO 123 IN WILLCOX ALONE.
ALL THEY HAVE TO DO IS BUY THE
LAND TO HAVE ACCESS TO AS MUCH
FREE WATER AS THEY WANT.
>> IN THIS AREA, THERE'S NO
RULE.
>> SO, YOUR CLIENT CAN PUMP AS
MUCH WATER THEY WANT?
>> THEY COULD DRILL A WELL EVERY
10 FOOT ALL AROUND THIS PLACE.
NO LIMIT.
>> John: YEAH, THAT'S NOT GREAT,
IS IT?
PARTLY BECAUSE DRILLING THAT
MANY WELLS MEANS THEY'RE GOING
TO PUMP A TON OF GROUNDWATER
OUT, AND ALSO BECAUSE IF YOUR
DOG IS TRYING TO TELL YOU TIMMY
IS STUCK DOWN A WELL: WHICH
WELL, RUSTY?
[LAUGHTER]
THERE ARE HUNDREDS OF THEM!
WHICH FUCKING WELL?
YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME MORE THAN
"ARF ARF" HERE!
WHERE IS THE BOY?
[LAUGHTER]
AND IT'S NOT JUST ARIZONA.
BIG FARMING OPERATIONS HAVE LONG
BEEN PUMPING GROUNDWATER IN THE
SAN JOAQUIN VALLEY IN
CALIFORNIA.
AND IT'S HAD SOME PRETTY SEVERE
CONSEQUENCES.
>> WHEN THIS MUCH WATER IS
PUMPED OUT OF THE AQUIFER BELOW
GROUND, THE CLAY BETWEEN THE
POCKETS OF WATER COLLAPSES AND
THE GROUND STARTS TO DEFLATE
LIKE A LEAKY AIR MATTRESS.
THE SINKING IS BUCKLING THE
WALLS OF IRRIGATION CANALS,
DAMAGING PIPES, CREATING GIANT
SINK HOLES, AND CRACKING HOMES.
THIS BRIDGE HAS DROPPED SO MUCH,
THE WATER WILL SOON FLOW OVER
IT INSTEAD OF UNDER IT.
>> John: YEAH, IT'S TRUE, AND
THIS IS NOT A NEW PROBLEM.
A SCIENTIST IN CALIFORNIA ONCE
MARKED JUST HOW MUCH THE LAND
HAD SUNK FROM 1925 TO 1977 ON A
TELEPHONE POLE.
AND THAT IS A STARTLING DROP.
ALTHOUGH, IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT THAT WAS MEASURING, YOU
WOULD BE PRETTY CONFUSED.
IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE WAS
MEASURING THE SHRINKING HEIGHT
OF AN ELDERLY GIANT WITH
OSTEOPOROSIS.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT IN RECENT YEARS, AS LARGE
FARMING OPERATIONS HAVE DRILLED
DEEPER AND SUCKED UP MORE WATER,
THERE HAVE BEEN ESCALATING
IMPACTS FOR THE SHALLOWER WELLS
THAT FAMILIES USE.
LAST YEAR IN CALIFORNIA, NEARLY
A THOUSAND SHALLOW HOUSEHOLD
WELLS WENT DRY.
AND FOR ANYONE WHO'S EVER LOST
ONE, IT CAN BE A REAL BURDEN.
>> THIS IS WHERE WE CATCH OUR
WATER SO WE CAN FLUSH TOILETS.
GET UP IN THE MORNING, TAKE TWO
BOTTLES OF RAINWATER, PUT IT IN
THE COFFEE POT, MY FIANCE WILL
COME IN.
SHE'LL HELP ME WASH MY HANDS,
AND WE'LL TAKE THIS WATER,
RECYCLE IT, PUT IT IN A BUCKET
OUT THERE UNTIL IT GETS ENOUGH
TO WHERE WE CAN FLUSH THE
TOILET.
>> WHAT ABOUT SHOWERING?
>> WELL, USUALLY WE HAVE TO GO
INTO TOWN TO ONE OF MY FRIEND'S
HOUSE.
AND IF I CAN'T GO TO MY FRIEND'S
HOUSE, YOU'LL SEE SOME GUYS
THAT -- THERE'S ADS, EVEN, ON
CRAIGSLIST, TO BE ABLE TO TAKE A
SHOWER.
"FIVE BUCKS TO TAKE A SHOWER,"
THAT KIND OF STUFF.
THAT'S WHAT KIND OF PLACE IT IS
AROUND HERE.
>> John: WOW.
USING CRAIGSLIST TO TAKE A
SHOWER.
[LAUGHTER]
THAT IS LEGITIMATELY HORRIFYING.
HOW DO YOU EVEN WRITE AN AD FOR
THAT WITHOUT IT SOUNDING
SUSPICIOUS?
"SEEKING SHOWER FOR $5:
34-YEAR-OLD ADULT NON-CREEP
LOOKING FOR FELLOW NON-CREEPY
ADULT TO ALLOW ME TO USE THEIR
SHOWER.
THIS IS NOT A EUPHEMISM.
THERE'S A WATER SHORTAGE AND I
GENUINELY JUST WANT TO GET
WASHED.
AGAIN, NOT A EUPHEMISM.
THIS ISN'T SEXUAL IN ANY WAY.
I WILL HAPPILY PAY FIVE AMERICAN
DOLLARS FOR THE SHOWER.
YOU CAN'T WATCH, YOU CAN'T TAPE
IT, YOU CAN'T BE WEIRD.
I'M JUST GOING TO COME INTO YOUR
HOUSE, HAND YOU A $5 BILL, GET
IN THE SHOWER, WASH MY HAIR AND
BODY AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE, AND
THEN LEAVE, ALL WHILE MAKING THE
LEAST AMOUNT OF EYE CONTACT
POSSIBLE.
WE WON'T TALK OR HAVE ANY
CONVERSATION.
IDEALLY, YOU WILL FORGET THIS
WHOLE THING EVER HAPPENED.
ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT, I DON'T
LIKE THE WAY ANY OF THIS IS
SOUNDING, SO I'M JUST GOING TO
STAY DIRTY FOREVER.
PLEASE DO NOT CONTACT ME WITH
UNSOLICITED SERVICES OR OFFERS."
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
BUT PERHAPS THE MOST IMPORTANT
THING TO KNOW ABOUT GROUNDWATER
IS THAT IT'S NOT TOTALLY
INDEPENDENT OF SURFACE WATER AT
ALL.
THESE ARE OFTEN PART OF ONE
INTERTWINED HYDROLOGICAL SYSTEM,
SO WHEN YOU PUMP GROUNDWATER, IT
CAN ULTIMATELY DRY UP RIVERS.
THE CONNECTION BETWEEN
GROUNDWATER AND SURFACE WATER IS
ONE OF THOSE ALARMING
CONNECTIONS THAT WE JUST CHOOSE
TO FORGET.
YOU KNOW, LIKE THE ONE BETWEEN
ELISABETH MOSS AND SCIENTOLOGY.
IT'S SO MUCH EASIER JUST NOT TO
REALLY THINK ABOUT IT.
[LAUGHTER]
SO, TO RECAP: FOR DECADES NOW,
WE'VE BEEN USING MORE WATER THAN
THE COLORADO RIVER HAS, EVEN AS
WE HAVE RAPIDLY DEPLETED
CRITICAL GROUNDWATER SUPPLIES.
AND WHEN IT COMES TO RESPONDING
TO THIS CRISIS, PLACES HAVE GONE
IN VERY DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS.
ONE OF THE BEST ACTORS, AND YOU
ARE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS,
IS ACTUALLY LAS VEGAS.
WHICH I KNOW AUTOMATICALLY FEELS
WEIRD, BECAUSE WHEN YOU THINK OF
VEGAS, YOU PROBABLY THINK OF IT
AS A PLACE THAT USES WATER FOR
THINGS LIKE THIS:
>> HOW YOU DOIN'?
>> SO, WHAT ARE WE LOOKING AT?
>> THIS IS JUST A MUSTY
WATERFALL, A DRIZZLING FOUNTAIN.
>> APPRECIATE THE UNIQUENESS.
["FRIENDS" THEME SONG]
[LAUGHTER]
>> John: I HONESTLY FEEL BAD FOR
THAT FOUNTAIN.
NO DROP OF WATER EVER DREAMED OF
ONE DAY BEING FORCED TO DANCE TO
THE "FRIENDS" THEME FOR A BUNCH
OF DRUNK VEGAS TOURISTS.
NO ONE TOLD THEM LIFE WAS GONNA
BE THIS WAY.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT THE THING IS, DESPITE
LOOKING EXTREMELY WASTEFUL, THE
BELLAGIO'S FOUNTAIN ACTUALLY
ISN'T.
IT USES WATER THAT'S TOO SALTY
TO DRINK, AND ANNUALLY ONLY USES
AS MUCH AS WOULD IRRIGATE JUST
EIGHT ACRES OF ALFALFA.
AND THAT IS JUST ONE TINY WAY
THAT THE PEOPLE OF VEGAS HAVE
LEARNED TO CONSERVE WATER.
THEY'VE ALSO BANNED NEW LAWNS
AND ORNAMENTAL GRASS THERE,
WHICH SHOULD SAVE ABOUT TEN
BILLION GALLONS A YEAR.
AND OVERALL, EVEN THOUGH THE
POPULATION OF THE VEGAS METRO
AREA GREW BY 34% BETWEEN 2002
AND 2013, ITS USE OF COLORADO
RIVER WATER ACTUALLY DROPPED BY
OVER A QUARTER.
SO VEGAS COULD ACTUALLY BE
SOMETHING OF A MODEL FOR OTHER
PLACES WHEN IT COMES TO WATER
CONSERVATION, AND LITERALLY
NOTHING ELSE.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT UNFORTUNATELY, NOT
EVERYWHERE IS TAKING IT THAT
SERIOUSLY, WITH THE WORST
EXAMPLE BEING UTAH.
HOME OF BOTH THE UTAH JAZZ AND
THEIR MASCOT, JAZZ BEAR, WHO
ANSWERS THE QUESTION, "WHAT IF
WILE E. COYOTE WAS A JOCK WHO
ALSO WANTED TO MURDER ME IN MY
SLEEP?"
[LAUGHTER]
CRUSH ME, KING.
UTAH RESIDENTS USE THE MOST
WATER OF ANY WESTERN STATE.
AND NOWHERE IS THIS MORE TRUE
THAN ST. GEORGE, WHICH HAS
BECOME ONE OF THE
FASTEST-GROWING METRO AREAS IN
THE COUNTRY, WITH PER-PERSON
WATER CONSUMPTION AMONG THE
HIGHEST.
NOT ONLY DOES ST. GEORGE HAVE
VERY CHEAP WATER RATES, THEIR
COUNTY -- WHICH IS IN THE
DESERT, REMEMBER -- HAS AT LEAST
A DOZEN GOLF COURSES, INCLUDING
THESE.
AND GOLF COURSES USE A SHIT-TON
OF WATER!
THEY ARE PRETTY MUCH THE DUMBEST
POSSIBLE THING TO PUT INTO THE
MIDDLE OF THE DESERT, OTHER
THAN, OF COURSE, BURNING MAN.
[LAUGHTER]
AND WHILE UTAH HAS RECENTLY
PASSED SOME NEW LAWS ENCOURAGING
CONSERVATION, THEY'VE ALSO BEEN
PURSUING A BILLION DOLLAR
PIPELINE TO BRING IN WHAT SOME
IN UTAH INSIST IS ADDITIONAL
SURPLUS WATER FROM LAKE POWELL,
A SURPLUS THAT ANYONE WHO SO
MUCH AS LOOKS AT THAT LAKE WOULD
KNOW, SIMPLY DOES NOT EXIST.
AND I KNOW THAT SEEMS WILDLY
IRRESPONSIBLE ON UTAH'S PART.
AND THAT IS BECAUSE IT IS.
THOUGH, TO BE FAIR, IT'S STILL
NOT THE WORST IDEA THEY'VE HAD.
BECAUSE JUST WATCH THIS VIDEO
FROM THE GOVERNOR OF UTAH IN
RESPONSE TO DROUGHT CONDITIONS
THERE JUST LAST YEAR.
>> WE NEED MORE RAIN, AND WE
NEED IT NOW.
WE NEED SOME DIVINE
INTERVENTION.
[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S WHY I'M ASKING UTAHNS OF
ALL FAITHS TO JOIN ME IN A
WEEKEND OF PRAYER, JUNE 4TH
THROUGH THE 6TH.
BY PRAYING COLLABORATIVELY AND
COLLECTIVELY, ASKING GOD OR
WHATEVER HIGHER POWER YOU
BELIEVE IN FOR MORE RAIN, WE MAY
BE ABLE TO ESCAPE THE DEADLIEST
ASPECTS OF THE CONTINUING
DROUGHT.
>> John WOW.
YOU KNOW UTAH IS DESPERATE WHEN
THEY ASK "ALL FAITHS" TO JOIN IN
A PRAYER.
"I'M ASKING UTAHNS OF ALL
FAITHS -- WHETHER THAT'S THE
MORMON, OR ONE OF THE MANY WRONG
ONES -- TO COLLECTIVELY PRAY TO
THE CHRISTIAN GOD AND THE FALSE
DEITIES THE REST OF YOU WORSHIP
FOR MORE RAIN, SO WE CAN SOLVE
THIS CRISIS BEFORE THOSE OF YOU
WHO HAVE NOT ACCEPTED JESUS
CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART BURN IN
THE FIRES OF ETERNAL HELL."
[LAUGHTER]
SO WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT ALL
THIS?
WELL, WE CAN START BY
ACKNOWLEDGING SOME UNCOMFORTABLE
TRUTHS.
FIRST, STATES LIKE UTAH ARE NOT
GOING TO BE ABLE TO USE THE FULL
AMOUNT OF WATER THEY THINK
THEY'RE ENTITLED TO, PRIMARILY
BECAUSE THAT FULL AMOUNT NEVER
ACTUALLY EXISTED IN THE FIRST
PLACE.
BUT IT IS NOT JUST UTAH.
NO STATE CAN CONTINUE USING
WATER THE WAY THEY'VE GOTTEN
USED TO.
EXPERTS SUGGEST IT MIGHT HELP
ACTUALLY NOT TO USE THE WORD
"DROUGHT" AT ALL, WHICH SOUNDS
TEMPORARY, AND INSTEAD USE THE
TERM "ARIDIFICATION" AS A
BETTER WAY TO DESCRIBE WHAT
MIGHT BE A LONG-TERM DRYING OF
THE AMERICAN WEST.
SO WE NEED TO BE INCENTIVIZING
CONSERVATION AND WATER
EFFICIENCY, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT
COMES TO AGRICULTURE, AND STOP
WITH OUR MAGICAL THINKING TOWARD
WATER, WHICH HAS BEEN A
DEPRESSINGLY COMMON THEME
THROUGHOUT HISTORY.
DURING A DROUGHT IN THE '90s,
CITY OFFICIALS IN VENTURA,
CALIFORNIA, DECIDED TO STUDY THE
POSSIBILITY OF HAULING ICEBERGS
FROM THE POLAR CAPS AND PLANTING
THEM OFF THE COUNTY'S SHORES.
ONE PROPONENT EVEN SUGGESTED,
"WE'D HAVE TO WRAP THE ICEBERG
WITH A DIAPER" TO COLLECT THE
MELTING ICEBERG WATER.
MORE RECENTLY, ARIZONA PASSED A
RESOLUTION TO STUDY BUILDING A
PIPELINE FROM THE MISSISSIPPI
RIVER TO THE COLORADO RIVER.
AND IF YOU'VE EVER SEEN A MAP OF
THE U.S., YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED
THAT THE MISSISSIPPI RIVER IS
ALL THE WAY OVER HERE, AND
ARIZONA IS ALL THE WAY OVER
HERE, SO TO DO THAT, YOU'D NEED
A PIPELINE THAT'S OVER A
THOUSAND MILES LONG.
AND THE ONLY WAY THAT IDEA COULD
GET ANY DUMBER IS IF THE
PIPELINE WAS ALSO SOMEHOW
WRAPPED IN A DIAPER.
[LAUGHTER]
DON'T WORRY, EVERYONE: CHASE IS
ON THE CASE!
THE FACT IS, STATES NEED TO
START WORKING TOGETHER TO CUT
BACK ON THEIR COLLECTIVE WATER
USE.
AND SOME HAVE TRIED SMALL STEPS.
IN ARIZONA -- HOME, REMEMBER, TO
OUR CLOSE-UP ALFALFA FARMER --
THEY RECENTLY CHANGED THEIR "USE
IT OR LOSE IT" RULES TO ALLOW
FOR MORE CONSERVATION.
AND IN CALIFORNIA, IN 2014, THEY
PASSED THE SUSTAINABLE
GROUNDWATER MANAGEMENT ACT, TO
TRY AND BRING GROUNDWATER
PUMPING UNDER CONTROL.
BUT IT IS JUST NOT ENOUGH.
AND THAT MAY BE WHY SOMETHING
VERY BIG HAPPENED JUST A WEEK
AGO.
BECAUSE THE GOVERNMENT DROPPED A
BOMBSHELL ON THE COLORADO RIVER
STATES, TELLING THEM "THEY HAVE
60 DAYS TO CREATE AN EMERGENCY
PLAN TO STOP USING BETWEEN TWO
AND FOUR MILLION ACRE-FEET OF
WATER IN THE NEXT YEAR," WHICH
IS A MASSIVE AMOUNT, "OR THE
AGENCY WILL USE ITS EMERGENCY
AUTHORITY TO MAKE THE CUTS
ITSELF."
WHICH IS A DRASTIC MOVE, BUT WE
ARE IN A DRASTIC SITUATION.
SO LET'S HOPE THOSE STATES GET
TO WORK IN THE NEXT TWO MONTHS
AND COME UP WITH A DECENT PLAN.
BECAUSE WE DESPERATELY NEED TO
PREPARE FOR A MUCH DRIER FUTURE
IN THE AMERICAN WEST, AND DO IT
MORE EQUITABLY THIS TIME.
BECAUSE IT IS IMPERATIVE THAT WE
LEARN FROM OUR PAST MISTAKES.
AND FOR ANYONE WHO STILL THINKS
THAT THIS IS SOMETHING WE CAN
JUST PRAY OUR WAY OUT OF, I
ACTUALLY HAVE A SPECIAL MESSAGE
FROM A VERY SPECIAL GUEST:
[ANGELIC SINGING]
>> HI.
IT'S ME, GOD.
I KNOW I DON'T OFTEN DO THIS,
BUT I JUST WANTED TO APPEAR IN
PERSON TO MAKE ONE THING
PERFECTLY CLEAR: YOU CAN'T PRAY
YOUR WAY OUT OF A DROUGHT.
FRANKLY, I'M INSULTED YOU EVEN
ASKED ME.
YOU GOT YOURSELF IN THIS FUCKING
MESS, GET YOURSELF THE FUCK OUT
OF IT.
I GAVE YOU PLENTY OF WATER.
IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU WASTED IT
BUILDING SURFING LAGOONS AND
GOLF COURSES IN THE MIDDLE OF A
FUCKING DESERT.
UTAH, YOUR CAPITAL IS
SALT LAKE CITY.
IT'S NEXT TO A SALT LAKE.
A LAKE OF SALT.
TAKE THE FUCKING HINT.
SO, NO, I WILL NOT BE ANSWERING
YOUR PRAYER FOR RAIN.
FOR THE RECORD, I'VE ONLY EVER,
EVER ANSWERED ONE PRAYER: LITTLE
TIMMY PENDLETON WANTED A HESS
TRUCK FOR HIS BIRTHDAY IN 1986,
AND I MADE SURE HE GOT ONE.
THE KID JUST REALLY SEEMED TO
WANT THAT TRUCK, AND MAYBE I
FELT BAD ABOUT KILLING BOTH HIS
PARENTS WITH THAT TORNADO.
I DON'T KNOW.
THERE'S SO MANY THINGS I'D
RATHER TALK ABOUT TO YOU THAN
YOUR STUPID, STUPID WATER USAGE!
LIKE THE MEANING OF LIFE, OR
WHICH ANIMAL I CREATED BY
MISTAKE.
GUINEA PIGS, BY THE WAY.
THE POINT IS, I WANT HUMANS OF
ALL FAITHS TO COME TOGETHER AND
ACT LIKE RATIONAL FUCKING ADULTS
WHEN IT COMES TO WATER USE.
HEED MY WORDS, MY CHILDREN, AND
CONSERVE THE ONCE BOUNTIFUL
GIFTS OF RIVERS AND LAKES, WHICH
I CREATED FOR YOU ON EARTH.
NOW, FUCK OFF.
[APPLAUSE]
>> John: THAT'S OUR SHOW, THANK
YOU SO MUCH FOR WATCHING.
WE'RE OFF FOR A FEW WEEKS, BACK
JULY 24TH.
SEE YOU THEN, GOOD NIGHT!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪
>> I TOLD YOU TO FUCK OFF.
FUCK OFF.