♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> John: WELCOME, WELCOME,
WELCOME TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT."
I'M JOHN OLIVER.
THANKS SO MUCH FOR JOINING US.
WE'RE BACK, AND NO TIME TO RECAP
EVERYTHING WE'VE MISSED IN THE
LAST MONTH, INCLUDING MULTIPLE
WORLD LEADERS LOSING THEIR
JOBS -- SOMETIMES AFTER MASS
PROTEST, LIKE IN SRI LANKA, AND
SOMETIMES AFTER MASS GOVERNMENT
RESIGNATIONS, LIKE IN THE UK,
WHERE BORIS JOHNSON FINALLY
STEPPED DOWN IN DISGRACE,
PROMPTING THIS MAGNIFICENT
MAN-ON-THE-STREET INTERVIEW:
>> EXCUSE ME, SIR, SORRY TO
DISTURB.
I'M FROM "BBC NEWSNIGHT," JUST
WONDERING WHAT YOU THINK OF
BORIS JOHNSON RESIGNING TODAY.
>> I WANT HIM TO GO.
HE'S A PAIN IN THE ASS.
[LAUGHTER]
>> John: EXCELLENT.
I MEAN, DIRTBAG ENGLISH
STANLEY TUCCI IS PERFECT.
FROM NOW ON THAT MAN SHOULD BE
ASKED FOR COMMENT ON EVERY MAJOR
NEWS EVENT.
IN FACT, PUT HIM ON
"LOVE ISLAND" RIGHT NOW.
I'M SO FUCKING SERIOUS ABOUT
THIS.
[APPLAUSE]
A NEW BOMBSHELL HAS ENTERED THE
VILLA.
[LAUGHTER]
MEANWHILE, HERE IN THE U.S., THE
JANUARY 6th COMMITTEE HEARINGS
HAVE BEEN CONTINUING, WITH THE
LATEST TAKING PLACE ON THURSDAY,
FEATURING SOME INTERESTING
FOOTAGE OF JOSH HAWLEY, WHO YOU
MAY REMEMBER RILED UP THE CROWD
EARLIER IN THE DAY WITH A FIST
OF SOLIDARITY, BUT WHO WE NOW
KNOW WAS SEEN RUNNING FOR SAFETY
AFTER THEY STORMED THE CAPITOL.
[LAUGHTER]
THAT IS PAINFULLY EMBARRASSING.
THAT IS THE GAIT OF A MAN WHO'S
EITHER JUST GASSED UP AN
INSURRECTION THAT'S NOW BEARING
DOWN ON TOP OF HIM, OR JUST
DRANK A LARGE ICED COFFEE
45 MINUTES AGO.
EITHER WAY, THOSE LEGS SCREAM
"I'VE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE."
[LAUGHTER]
BUT MAYBE THE BEST RESPONSE TO
THAT CLIP CAME FROM FORMER DC
POLICE OFFICER MICHAEL FANONE,
WHO WAS INJURED IN THE RIOT, AND
OFFERED THIS COMMENTARY OUTSIDE
THE HEARING.
>> THE FIRST THOUGHTS THAT
POPPED INTO MY MIND WAS, JOSH
HAWLEY IS A [BLEEP].
AND HE RAN LIKE A [BLEEP].
>> John: NOW, I WOULDN'T
PERSONALLY SAY THAT.
I'D SAY JOSH HAWLEY IS A BITCH
WHO RAN LIKE A CHIHUAHUA
DESPERATELY TRYING TO KEEP UP
WITH ITS OWNER ON A CASUAL WALK.
BUT YOU KNOW, TO EACH THEIR OWN.
I'M SURE THERE'LL BE MORE TO SAY
ABOUT THIS WHEN THE HEARINGS
RESUME IN SEPTEMBER, BUT FOR
NOW, WE'RE GOING TO DIVE
STRAIGHT IN WITH OUR MAIN STORY
THIS WEEK, AS IT CONCERNS A
TOPIC THAT'S BEEN AT THE
FOREFRONT OF THE NEWS OVER THE
PAST YEAR.
>> TONIGHT, INFLATION NATION.
INFLATION'S GRIP ON AMERICAN
CONSUMERS NOT LETTING UP.
>> IT'S CALLED LUNCH-FLATION.
>> BOOZE-FLATION.
>> MILK-FLATION.
>> MEAT-FLATION IS ROCKING THE
NATION.
>> John: OKAY, FIRST: A BIG,
ENTHUSIASTIC "NO" TO THE WORD
"MEAT-FLATION," WHICH SOUNDS
LESS LIKE AN ECONOMIC PHENOMENON
AND MORE LIKE A SLANG TERM FOR A
BONER.
[LAUGHTER]
IT'S HONESTLY HARD TO THINK OF A
MORE UNPLEASANT PORTMANTEAU THAN
MEATFLATION, ASIDE FROM "SNART,"
WHICH COMBINES THE WORDS
"SNEEZE" AND "FART."
OR "RONZO," WHICH WOULD
OBVIOUSLY BE THE CELEBRITY
COUPLE NAME IF RON HOWARD EVER
FUCKED GONZO THE MUPPET.
AS YOU UNDOUBTEDLY KNOW, THE
U.S. IS EXPERIENCING THE HIGHEST
INFLATION OF THE PAST 40 YEARS.
AND DESPITE INITIAL HOPES IT'D
BE TEMPORARY, PRICES ARE STILL
GOING UP.
OVER THE PAST YEAR, FOOD IS UP
10.4%, AND GASOLINE IS UP 59.9%.
SO, TO BE HONEST, IT'S PROBABLY
A GOOD IDEA TO START MAKING YOUR
GASOLINE AT HOME IN THE MORNING
INSTEAD OF GETTING AN EXPENSIVE
CUP OF IT ON YOUR WAY TO WORK.
AND IN SOME CASES, COMPANIES
HAVE TRIED TO HIDE INFLATION BY
KEEPING THEIR PRICES THE SAME,
BUT REDUCING THE SIZE OF THEIR
PRODUCTS.
IT'S CALLED "SHRINK-FLATION,"
AND NEWS OUTLETS LOVE TO COVER
THIS, USUALLY WITH THE HELP OF
WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE ONE GO-TO
EXPERT ON THE TOPIC.
>> THERE'S ALMOST NO CATEGORY OF
PRODUCT EXCEPT EGGS, MAYBE, THAT
HASN'T BEEN DOWNSIZED OVER THE
PAST YEARS.
>> CONSUMER ADVOCATE IS
PUBLISHER OF MousePrint.org.
>> CREST 3-D WHITE WENT FROM
4.1 OUNCES TO 3.8 OUNCES.
APPLE CINNAMON CHEERIOS WENT
FROM 20.1 OUNCES TO 19 OUNCES.
IT'S STILL CALLED FAMILY SIZE.
THE FAMILY MUST'VE GOTTEN
SMALLER.
>> HERE YOU'VE GOT TWO BOTTLES
OF GATORADE AND THESE HAVE JUST
CHANGED IN THE PAST FEW MONTHS.
THIS ONE IS THE OLD 32-OUNCE
ONE.
THIS ONE IS FOUR OUNCES LESS.
THEY SAID THEY MADE IT EASIER TO
GRIP, YOU KNOW.
GIVE ME A BREAK.
[LAUGHTER]
>> John: YEAH, YOU TELL 'EM, ED!
I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THAT
MAN, FROM HIS WEBSITE,
MousePrint.org -- WHICH IS
SOMEHOW NOT AN ONLINE LITERARY
JOURNAL FOR WRITERS WHO HAPPEN
TO BE RODENTS -- TO HIS
ELECTRIFYING DELIVERY OF THE
WORD "EGGS," TO HIS UTTER
REFUSAL TO TOLERATE EVEN THE
SLIGHTEST AMOUNT OF BULLSHIT
FROM GATORADE.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT WHETHER IT'S INFLATION,
SHRINK-FLATION OR MEAT-FLATION,
RISING PRICES ARE CLEARLY A
PROBLEM.
ALTHOUGH HOURLY EARNINGS WERE UP
5.1% OVER THE PAST YEAR, OVERALL
WAGES FELL BY 3.6% WHEN ADJUSTED
FOR INFLATION.
AND FOR THOSE ON FIXED INCOMES
OR TIGHT BUDGETS, LIKE STUDENTS
AND RETIREES, INFLATION IS
ESPECIALLY DIFFICULT TO HANDLE,
AND CAN AMOUNT TO A LIFE
OVERHAUL.
>> PATTI BYTHER JUST UN-RETIRED
AND GOT READY FOR HER NEW
PART-TIME JOB.
>> I THOUGHT I WAS DONE.
I HAD WORKED IT ALL OUT
FINANCIALLY THAT, YOU KNOW, I
COULD AFFORD IT.
>> WITH PRICES SOARING, HER
RETIREMENT LASTED 10 MONTHS.
>> THESE ARE MY FUEL BILLS.
>> IN 13 MONTHS, IT WENT UP
$150.
>> CORRECT.
MY SAFETY NET IS JUST GONE.
>> WHEN DO YOU SEE YOURSELF
RETIRING FOR REAL?
>> I DON'T REALLY SEE A TIME
WHEN I'LL BE ABLE TO RETIRE
AGAIN, OR ENTIRELY AGAIN, WHICH
IS SORT OF ANNOYING AND SAD.
>> John: THAT IS PUTTING IT
LIGHTLY.
IT MUST BE SO FRUSTRATING TO
RETIRE, THINK YOU'RE DONE, AND
THEN HAVE TO GO BACK TO WORK.
THAT'S THE ABSOLUTE WORST CASE
SCENARIO OF RETIREMENT -- OTHER
THAN, OF COURSE, MOVING TO
FLORIDA.
[LAUGHTER]
SO GIVEN THAT IT'S HURTING SO
MANY PEOPLE RIGHT NOW, TONIGHT,
LET'S EXAMINE INFLATION: WHAT
CAUSED IT, WHAT WE'VE DONE TO
ADDRESS IT SO FAR, AND WHAT
COULD HAPPEN NEXT.
AND LET'S START WITH HOW EXACTLY
WE GOT HERE.
BECAUSE YOU'VE PROBABLY HEARD A
LOT OF EXPLANATIONS FLYING
AROUND.
>> THIS IS BIDEN-FLATION, A
39-YEAR HIGH CREATED BY JOE
BIDEN.
>> MAKE NO MISTAKE.
INFLATION IS LARGELY THE FAULT
OF PUTIN.
>> THE SUPPLY CHAIN IS THE
CATALYST AT THE END OF THE DAY.
>> INFLATION IS NOT CAUSED BY
THE BUILD BACK BETTER OR THE
BIPARTISAN BILL.
IT'S CAUSED BY CORPORATE GREED.
>> John: YEAH, THERE'S BEEN A
FLURRY OF FINGER-POINTING.
WITH MANY TENDING TO PLACE THE
BLAME ON WHATEVER THEY WERE
ALREADY MAD AT, WITH SOME
DEMOCRATS BLAMING CORPORATE
GREED, REPUBLICANS BLAMING JOE
BIDEN, BIDEN BLAMING PUTIN, AND
YOUR DOG PRESUMABLY BLAMING THE
VACUUM CLEANER.
[LAUGHTER]
AND HERE'S THE INTERESTING
THING: ASIDE FROM THE DOG,
THEY'RE PROBABLY ALL AT LEAST A
LITTLE BIT RIGHT, BECAUSE THE
TRUTH IS: THERE IS NO ONE CAUSE
OF INFLATION.
AT THE BEST OF TIMES IT INVOLVES
A MULTITUDE OF FACTORS, AND THE
SITUATION WE'RE IN RIGHT NOW HAS
BEEN AN UNPRECEDENTED PERFECT
STORM.
AND TO UNDERSTAND THAT STORM, IT
MIGHT HELP TO PAUSE FOR A MOMENT
TO TALK ABOUT THE MECHANICS OF
INFLATION.
VERY BASICALLY, IT HAPPENS
WHENEVER THERE'S TOO MUCH DEMAND
FOR TOO LITTLE SUPPLY.
IF PEOPLE HAVE LOTS OF MONEY TO
SPEND, THEY USUALLY WANT TO BUY
MORE STUFF.
BUT IF THERE'S NOT ENOUGH STUFF
TO GO AROUND, THEN THE PRICE OF
THAT STUFF GOES UP.
I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE: LET'S
SAY THAT EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN
AMERICA SUDDENLY WINS THE
LOTTERY, AND EVERYONE NOW HAS
$40 MILLION TO SPEND.
WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO?
WELL, I'D ASSUME THEY'D DO WHAT
I WOULD, WHICH IS IMMEDIATELY
BUY THIS $1,500 EMERALD PATINA
FOUNTAIN STATUE OF A FROG
SPREADING ITS UNNATURALLY LONG
LEGS IN A MANNER THAT SEEMS
OFFENSIVE, BUT I'M NOT EXACTLY
SURE TO WHO.
[LAUGHTER]
BY THE WAY, THE FROG COMES IN
TWO SIZES, LARGE AND GIANT.
[LAUGHTER]
NOW, OBVIOUSLY, IF YOU WIN THE
LOTTERY, YOU'RE SPRINGING FOR
THE GIANT ONE.
BUT HERE'S THE PROBLEM: THERE
ARE CURRENTLY ONLY THREE OF THEM
LEFT IN STOCK.
SO THE STATUES ARE LIKELY TO GET
MORE EXPENSIVE, BECAUSE EVERYONE
SUDDENLY WANTS ONE, AS THEY ALL
HAVE MORE MONEY TO SPEND, BUT
THERE ARE ONLY THREE LEFT.
BASICALLY, HIGH DEMAND, NOT
ENOUGH SUPPLY, AND THAT'S HOW WE
GET FROG-FLATION.
SO, TOO MUCH MONEY CHASING A
LIMITED SUPPLY OF GOODS CAN LEAD
TO INFLATION.
AND SOME ON THE RIGHT HAVE
SEIZED ON THE "TOO MUCH MONEY"
PART OF THAT IDEA TO SUGGEST
THAT INFLATION IS REALLY JUST
DOWN TO ONE THING:
>> WHEN YOU PUT $6 TRILLION OF
FISCAL STIMULUS INTO THE ECONOMY
AS PRESIDENT BIDEN AND DEMOCRATS
DID LAST YEAR, YOU'RE GOING TO
END UP WITH BIG TIME INFLATION.
>> THE MARCH STIMULUS PACKAGE
LITERALLY MANUFACTURED
INFLATION.
>> THIS INFLATION IS CAUSED BY
DEMOCRAT POLICIES.
IT DIDN'T JUST HAPPEN.
THIS IS THE DEMOCRAT TAX ON THE
MIDDLE CLASS.
>> John: WOW.
THAT'S SOME PRETTY HEAVY FIRE.
CALLING SOMETHING A "TAX ON THE
MIDDLE CLASS" IS ONE OF THE BEST
WAYS TO MAKE IT LOOK BAD, JUST
AFTER CALLING IT "A CLOSE
ASSOCIATE OF PRINCE ANDREW."
[LAUGHTER]
BLAMING BIDEN'S STIMULUS PACKAGE
HAS BECOME A COMMON REFRAIN ON
THE RIGHT WHEN DISCUSSING
INFLATION.
AND THE REALITY IS, THERE IS A
KERNEL OF TRUTH TO IT: THANKS TO
THE PANDEMIC-ERA STIMULUS BILLS,
PEOPLE DID HAVE MORE CASH ON
HAND.
BUT THAT IS NOT THE ONLY REASON.
AS STRANGE AS IT SOUNDS, MANY
PEOPLE SAVED MONEY DURING THE
EARLY DAYS OF THE PANDEMIC,
SIMPLY BECAUSE WE WERE ALL STUCK
AT HOME.
BY ONE ESTIMATE, HOUSEHOLDS
ACTUALLY ACCUMULATED $2.5
TRILLION IN EXCESS SAVINGS
DURING THE PANDEMIC.
AND TO THE EXTENT PEOPLE WERE
SPENDING MONEY, IT MOSTLY WASN'T
ON SERVICES LIKE FLIGHTS OR
HOTELS OR RESTAURANTS.
INSTEAD, IT WENT TO GOODS LIKE
FURNITURE, APPLIANCES, OR -- I
DON'T KNOW -- SOME STEAMY
WATERCOLOR RAT EROTICA.
[LAUGHTER]
I'M JUST DESCRIBING WHAT MOST
PEOPLE DID IN 2020.
AND WHAT'S MORE, THE NOTION THAT
OUR ECONOMY WOULD BE FINE IF NOT
FOR BIDEN'S STIMULUS COMPLETELY
IGNORES WHAT IT WOULD'VE LOOKED
LIKE WITHOUT IT.
BECAUSE IT NOT ONLY PROTECTED
LOW INCOME WORKERS, WHO WERE IN
REAL TROUBLE, IT ALSO
HELPED US AVOIDED A
COVID-INDUCED FINANCIAL CRISIS.
AND WHILE, WITH HINDSIGHT, MOST
ECONOMISTS WOULD SAY THAT WE
COULD HAVE MADE IT MORE TARGETED
AND PRECISE SO THAT WE DIDN'T
INCREASE THE MONEY SUPPLY ANY
MORE THAN WE ABSOLUTELY HAD TO,
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO NOTE
THAT, ACCORDING TO ONE ESTIMATE,
WITHOUT THE AMERICAN RESCUE
PLAN, THE ECONOMY WOULD HAVE
COME CLOSE TO SUFFERING A
DOUBLE-DIGIT RECESSION IN THE
SPRING OF 2021.
SO TWO THINGS ARE LIKELY TRUE
HERE: THE GOVERNMENT STIMULUS
DID CONTRIBUTE TO INFLATION, BUT
IT WAS ALSO A NECESSARY
INTERVENTION.
AND THE MUCH BIGGER POINT IS,
INFLATION CLEARLY ISN'T JUST
ABOUT THE STIMULUS AT ALL.
AFTER ALL, IT'S NOT JUST A
PROBLEM HERE IN THE U.S.
BRITAIN AND GERMANY HAVE SEEN
INFLATION RATES HIT FOUR-DECADE
HIGHS, AND IN SEVEN EASTERN
EUROPEAN NATIONS, IT'S NOW
EXPECTED TO SURGE PAST DOUBLE
DIGITS.
AND IN JAPAN, IT'S HAD
PARTICULARLY DRAMATIC
CONSEQUENCES.
>> WE'RE AT AN AQUARIUM IN
HAKONE.
THE EFFECTS OF INFLATION CAN BE
FELT HERE, TOO.
>> WITH THE RISING PRICE OF
FEED, THEY'VE CHOSEN TO USE THE
CHEAPER MACKEREL.
>> HOW ARE THE PENGUINS REACTING
TO THE NEW FEED?
[LAUGHTER]
>> SHE TRIES TO COAX IT TO EAT.
>> THE PENGUIN DOESN'T LIKE IT.
>> John: NO, IT DOES NOT.
AND I DO NOT BLAME IT.
I LOVE ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING
ABOUT THAT.
MY NEW FAVORITE GENRE OF NEWS
SEGMENT IS NOW "FOOTAGE OF WHAT
APPEARS TO BE A LARGE,
FLIGHTLESS BIRD BEING A MASSIVE
BITCH."
WHICH, NOW THAT I SAY IT OUT
LOUD, WOULD BE A PRETTY ACCURATE
TITLE FOR THIS SHOW.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT ALSO, REMEMBER: DEMAND IS
ONLY ONE SIDE OF THIS EQUATION.
THE OTHER SIDE IS SUPPLY.
AND TO QUOTE MY THERAPIST,
"LET'S COME BACK TO THAT FROG
SPREADING ITS LEGS STATUE."
[LAUGHTER]
BECAUSE IN THAT SCENARIO WHERE
EVERYONE WON THE LOTTERY, IF
THERE HAPPENED TO BE ENOUGH FROG
STATUES FOR EVERYONE TO BUY,
THEN THERE WOULDN'T BE ANY
IMBALANCE BETWEEN SUPPLY AND
DEMAND.
AND PRICES WOULD BE STABLE.
BUT REMEMBER, THERE ARE ONLY
THREE GIANT STATUES LEFT IN
STOCK.
AND IF FOR WHATEVER REASON, THEY
CAN'T MAKE ANY MORE, THE PRICE
OF THE REMAINING STATUES WILL
THEN GO UP.
ESPECIALLY BECAUSE THERE AREN'T
ACTUALLY THREE OF THEM LEFT
ANYMORE.
BECAUSE I HAVE ONE, AND IT'S
RIGHT OVER HERE!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
LOOK AT IT!
LOOK AT MY BEAUTIFUL FROG
STATUE!
AND CRUCIALLY, WHAT THAT MEANS
IS, THERE ARE NOW ONLY TWO OF
THE FROG STATUES LEFT.
EXCEPT, TO BE HONEST, THERE
AREN'T TWO, BECAUSE I HAVE
ANOTHER ONE AS WELL, AND IT'S
RIGHT OVER THERE!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
LOOK AT MY SECOND FROG STATUE!
WHAT AN ABSOLUTELY PERFECT PAIR!
AND WHAT THAT MEANS IS THAT THE
LAST REMAINING FROG STATUE IS
GONNA BE WORTH AN ABSOLUTE
FORTUNE, WHICH TO BE HONEST, IS
VERY GOOD NEWS FOR ME, BECAUSE I
DID GET THAT ONE AS WELL.
HERE IT IS!
[APPLAUSE]
I'M RICH!
I'VE GOT ALL THE FROGS!
I'VE CORNERED THE FROG STATUE
MARKET!
I'M GOOD AT BUSINESS!
BUT LOOK, THE LARGER
MACROECONOMIC POINT
I'M MAKING IS, DEMAND IS
CERTAINLY A FACTOR, BUT A
SMALLER SUPPLY ALSO LEADS TO
INFLATION.
AND GENERALLY SPEAKING, WE'VE
HAD DIMINISHED AND DISRUPTED
SUPPLIES OF A LOT OF CONSUMER
GOODS, PRIMARILY BECAUSE, THANKS
TO COVID, FACTORIES OVERSEAS
HAVE BEEN SHUT OR HAVE SLOWED
DOWN CONSIDERABLY.
TAKE, FOR INSTANCE, BICYCLES.
THERE'S BEEN A MASSIVE BIKE
SHORTAGE OVER THE LAST COUPLE OF
YEARS THANKS IN LARGE PART TO
LOCKDOWNS AND SLOWDOWNS
DISRUPTING BIKE PRODUCTION IN
CHINA, WHERE ROUGHLY 90% OF ALL
BIKES SOLD IN THE U.S. ARE
PRODUCED.
MEANWHILE, DEMAND FOR BIKES
SOARED AS SHOPPERS TRIED TO STAY
ACTIVE DURING LOCKDOWNS.
MEANING THAT JUST A FEW MONTHS
INTO THE PANDEMIC, WE WERE
ALREADY SEEING STORIES LIKE
THIS.
>> BIKE SHOPS ACROSS THE COUNTRY
NOW SEEING SKYROCKETING DEMAND
AND SUPPLIES DWINDLING.
IN ALBUQUERQUE, NEW MEXICO.
>> THIS IS ACTUALLY THE ONLY ONE
WE HAVE RIGHT AT THE MOMENT.
>> AND IN NEW YORK CITY.
>> HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A BIKE
SHORTAGE LIKE THIS BEFORE?
>> NO, NEVER.
>> I'M SELLING WAY MORE PINK AND
PURPLE TO GUYS BECAUSE THEY ARE
JUST LIKE, WHATEVER, DOESN'T
MATTER WHAT COLOR IT IS.
IT IS WHAT IT IS, IT'S A BIKE.
>> John: YEAH, THE BIKE SHORTAGE
EVEN BROKE DOWN GENDER
STEREOTYPES!
[APPLAUSE]
BUT INTERESTINGLY, WHILE PINK
AND PURPLE BIKES ATTRACTED A NEW
MALE DEMOGRAPHIC, PENNY FARTHING
BIKES MAINTAINED THEIR
TRADITIONAL CUSTOMER BASE: FANCY
MUSTACHIOED PERVERTS.
[LAUGHTER]
ALL OF WHICH HELPS EXPLAIN WHY,
LAST YEAR, THE AVERAGE
RETAIL PRICE OF BIKE PRODUCTS
WAS UP 43% COMPARED TO 2019.
WHICH MEANS ESSENTIALLY ONE
THING: IF YOU'RE THE SORT OF
PERSON WHO STAYED ACTIVE AND
EXERCISED DURING LOCKDOWN,
INFLATION IS YOUR FAULT, AND
YOU'RE A TERRIBLE PERSON.
[LAUGHTER]
THE POINT IS, INFLATION TRULY
WAS A PERFECT STORM GOING INTO
THE YEAR, AND IT SEEMS LIKE
EVERYTHING THAT'S HAPPENED SINCE
HAS ONLY MADE IT WORSE.
WHEN BIDEN SAID "INFLATION IS
LARGELY THE FAULT OF PUTIN,"
THAT IS CLEARLY NOT TRUE.
INFLATION WAS HAPPENING BEFORE
PUTIN EVEN INVADED UKRAINE, SO
THAT'S JUST NOT HOW TIME WORKS.
WHAT IS TRUE, THOUGH, IS THAT
PUTIN DEFINITELY EXACERBATED THE
PROBLEM.
THE INVASION OF UKRAINE GREATLY
IMPACTED FOOD AND FUEL PRICES,
AS THE WORLD CUT OFF ITS OIL
PURCHASES FROM RUSSIA, DRIVING
GAS PRICES -- WHICH WERE ALREADY
RISING -- UP TO OUTRAGEOUS
LEVELS, PERHAPS BEST SUMMED UP
BY THIS GUY:
>> BRUH, I JUST GOT A BRAND-NEW
-- I JUST GOT A NEW CAR.
MY FIRST CAR.
NOW I SEE WHAT YOU MOTHERFUCKERS
ARE TALKING ABOUT WITH THESE GAS
PRICES.
[LAUGHTER]
MY SHIT WAS ON EMPTY.
I PUT 20 BUCKS IN THE FUCKING --
IN THE FUCKING TANK.
LOOK AT THIS SHIT!
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT THE FUCK?
THIS IS WHAT 20 FUCKING DOLLARS
GETS ME?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
>> John: YEAH, IF I HAD TO BET,
I'D SAY 80% OF A GAS STATION
EMPLOYEE'S JOB RIGHT NOW IS TO
TALK PEOPLE DOWN FROM EXACTLY
THIS SITUATION.
THE OTHER 20% IS, AS ALWAYS,
TRACKING DOWN SOME OF THE
BLUE-EST DRINKS YOU'VE EVER
SEEN.
IS IT A GOOD IDEA TO SELL THOSE
IN THE SAME STORE WHERE YOU SELL
ANTIFREEZE?
NOT FOR ME TO SAY.
[LAUGHTER]
SO PUTIN INVADING UKRAINE DIDN'T
START THIS INFLATIONARY CYCLE,
BUT IT IS MAKING IT WORSE.
AND THE SAME CAN BE SAID OF
CORPORATE GREED.
IT IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE THAT SOME
COMPANIES ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE
OF THIS ENVIRONMENT TO DRIVE UP
PRICES, AND GETTING RECORD
PROFITS IN RETURN.
AND THAT IS INFURIATING.
BUT MOST ECONOMISTS WILL TELL
YOU THAT'S NOT WHAT CAUSED
INFLATION IN THE FIRST PLACE.
AFTER ALL, IT'S NOT LIKE
CORPORATIONS ONLY JUST GOT
GREEDY IN THE LAST TWO YEARS.
[LAUGHTER]
COMPANIES WILL SHAMELESSLY
PROFITEER THE SAME WAY THAT A
DOG WILL MAKE AN ABSOLUTE MEAL
OUT OF ITS OWN BALL SACK: IF
LEFT TO ITS OWN DEVICES, THAT'S
UNFORTUNATELY JUST WHAT IT'S
GOING TO DO.
SO, TO RECAP: RISING PRICES ARE
DUE TO A TON OF FACTORS: A
PANDEMIC, A STIMULUS, CHANGED
SPENDING PATTERNS, SUPPLY CHAIN
ISSUES, THE WAR IN UKRAINE, TO
NAME JUST A FEW.
AND ANYONE LOUDLY SAYING THAT
ONE THING IS THE CAUSE OF
INFLATION IS EITHER LYING OR HAS
ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT THEY'RE
TALKING ABOUT.
AND THE FACT IS, WHICHEVER
COMBINATION OF THINGS GOT US
INTO THIS MESS, THE ENTITY MANY
ARE LOOKING TO TO GET US OUT OF
IT IS THE FEDERAL RESERVE.
ONE OF ITS KEY DUTIES IS TO KEEP
AN EYE OUT FOR THINGS THAT CAN
DESTABILIZE THE ECONOMY, LIKE
INFLATION, AND CONTROL IT BY
RAISING AND LOWERING INTEREST
RATES.
VERY BASICALLY, THE FED CAN
INCREASE HOW MUCH IT COSTS FOR
BANKS TO BORROW MONEY, A COST
THEY THEN PASS ALONG TO
BUSINESSES AND CONSUMERS,
THROUGH HIGHER RATES ON THINGS
LIKE MORTGAGES AND CREDIT CARDS.
AND THE HIGHER THE INTEREST
RATES, THE LESS INCLINED PEOPLE
AND BUSINESSES WILL BE TO
BORROW, AND THE MORE INCLINED
THEY'LL BE TO SAVE.
ESSENTIALLY, THE FED CAN
INDIRECTLY INFLUENCE HOW MUCH
PEOPLE ARE SPENDING.
SO WHEN IT COMES TO THE DEMAND
SIDE OF THE ECONOMY, THEY HAVE
SOME REAL POWER HERE.
AND THE FACT IS, IN THIS CURRENT
CRISIS, IT DID ARGUABLY TAKE TOO
LONG FOR THE FED TO RAISE
INTEREST RATES.
THAT'S SOMETHING ITS CHAIRMAN,
JEROME POWELL, BASICALLY
ADMITTED AT A CONGRESSIONAL
HEARING IN MARCH.
JUST LISTEN TO HIM EXPLAIN THAT
THE FED INITIALLY SAW EARLY
SIGNS OF INFLATION AS BEING DUE
TO A TEMPORARY SUPPLY SHOCK THAT
WOULD SIMPLY RESOLVE ITSELF.
>> WHAT THE TEXTBOOK SAYS IS THE
SHOCK'S GOING TO COME AND IT'S
GOING TO GO, AND YOU SHOULDN'T
REACT TO IT.
HINDSIGHT SAYS WE SHOULD HAVE
MOVED EARLIER AND THAT TURNED
OUT TO BE WRONG.
NOT MAYBE CONCEPTUALLY WRONG,
BUT IT'S JUST TAKING SO MUCH
LONGER FOR THE SUPPLY SIDE TO
HEAL THAN WE THOUGHT.
>> John: YEAH, HE'S RIGHT.
THE STANDARD TEXTBOOK OF
ECONOMICS SAYS THAT IF THERE'S A
SUPPLY SHOCK, YOU LET IT RESOLVE
ITSELF ORGANICALLY.
UNFORTUNATELY -- AND IN FAIRNESS
TO THE FED -- THE PANDEMIC WAS
TOTALLY UNPRECEDENTED, SO THE
STANDARD TEXTBOOK JUST DIDN'T
APPLY.
IN FACT, THE ONLY TEXTBOOK
APPLICABLE TO THIS SITUATION
WAS, "OH FUCK FUCK FUCK
THE WHOLE WORLD SHUT DOWN
WHAT DO WE DO OH GOD OH FUCK
FUCK FUCK!"
[LAUGHTER]
AND IT'S NOT LIKE THE FED WAS
ALONE IN CALLING IT WRONG.
MOST ECONOMISTS THOUGHT
INFLATION WOULD GO AWAY ON ITS
OWN.
AND SOME OF THE LOUDEST VOICES
ON WALL STREET WERE ARGUING
AGAINST THE FED RAISING INTEREST
RATES, BECAUSE THEY, TOO,
THOUGHT INFLATION WOULD BE
TRANSITORY.
FOR INSTANCE, HERE IS
JIM CRAMER -- THE ANSWER TO THE
QUESTION, "WHAT IF A GARBAGE CAN
FULL OF COCAINE AND BUSINESS
SCHOOL PAMPHLETS WISHED TO BE A
REAL BOY?" -- MAKING THAT VERY
ARGUMENT IN NOVEMBER OF LAST
YEAR.
>> THE BOTTOM LINE, I DON'T
THINK POWELL NEEDS TO SLAM THE
BRAKES ON THE ECONOMY.
DESPITE WHAT YOU HEAR FROM THE
"INFLATIONISTAS" IN THE MEDIA,
THE WEIGHT OF THE EVIDENCE IS
FINALLY GOING POWELL'S WAY, TEAM
TRANSITORY IS GOING TO WIN!
I SAY STOP FREAKING ABOUT
INFLATION!
>> John: OKAY.
SETTING ASIDE THE FACT THAT HE'S
SPEAKING WITH AN INTENSITY LEVEL
BEST DESCRIBED AS "PATTI LUPONE
ADMONISHING A RUDE AUDIENCE
MEMBER," IT'S PRETTY CLEAR THAT
THIS CLIP, MUCH LIKE JIM CRAMER
HIMSELF, HAS NOT AGED VERY WELL.
BECAUSE HERE HE WAS JUST SIX
MONTHS LATER DOING A FULL 180
WITH A VERY DIFFERENT TONE.
>> I THINK THAT POWELL MAY NOT
UNDERSTAND.
WE GOT TO BREAK THIS, WE'VE GOT
TO BREAK IT NOW, BECAUSE THIS
WAS THE WEEK WE REALIZED THAT IT
IS JUST INFLAMED, AND IT IS NOT
GOING AWAY.
AND I WAS -- I WAS JUST KIND
OF -- JUST, I -- I -- LOOK, I
WAS SHOCKED.
[LAUGHTER]
I JUST DIDN'T KNOW THAT IT WAS
AS BAD AS IT IS.
IT'S IN EVERY AISLE.
THE INFLATION'S IN EVERY AISLE.
>> John: WOW, THAT WAS A PRETTY
DRAMATIC TURNAROUND.
HE WENT FROM LOUDLY UNCONCERNED
ABOUT RISING PRICES TO
FULL-BLOWN "INFLATIONISTA" IN A
MATTER OF MONTHS.
AND QUICK QUESTION: WHAT EXACTLY
IS GOING ON WITH THIS EXPRESSION
RIGHT HERE?
[LAUGHTER]
THAT IS NOT THE FACE YOU MAKE
WHEN YOU'RE CONCERNED ABOUT
INFLATION.
THAT'S THE FACE YOU MAKE WHEN
YOU'RE WATCHING A GIRAFFE GIVE
BIRTH.
THE FACT IS, A LOT OF SMART
PEOPLE, AND JIM CRAMER, READ THE
SITUATION WRONG.
AND THERE ISN'T REALLY A ROAD
MAP FOR WHAT TO DO NEXT.
AS ONE "WALL STREET JOURNAL"
COLUMNIST HAS SAID, "ECONOMIC
MODELS THAT WORKED FOR DECADES
BROKE DOWN DURING THE PANDEMIC,
AND ALTERNATIVES HAVE YET TO
EMERGE."
NOW, ONE THING THAT WOULD REALLY
HELP IS IF WE KNEW THE EXTENT TO
WHICH THIS IS A SUPPLY OR A
DEMAND PROBLEM.
IF IT'S MORE ABOUT "TOO MUCH
MONEY" OR "NOT ENOUGH STUFF."
BECAUSE IF IT IS TOO MUCH MONEY,
THE FED CAN IMPACT THAT PRETTY
EASILY.
WHAT THEY'D WANT TO DO IS RAISE
INTEREST RATES SIGNIFICANTLY
ENOUGH TO CURB SPENDING AND SLOW
GROWTH, BUT NOT SO AGGRESSIVELY
THAT IT WOULD THEN TRIGGER A
PAINFUL RECESSION.
BUT IF IT'S ABOUT "NOT ENOUGH
STUFF" INSTEAD -- IF THE MAJOR
ISSUES ARE THINGS LIKE SUPPLY
CHAIN DISRUPTIONS -- THE EFFECT
THE FED CAN HAVE IS DRASTICALLY
REDUCED.
BECAUSE THE FED CAN'T STOP THE
WAR IN UKRAINE, OR OPEN
FACTORIES IN CHINA THAT ARE
CLOSED DUE TO COVID.
I SUPPOSE JEROME POWELL COULD
LEAD AN ARMY OF ECONOMISTS INTO
LUHANSK, BUT I'M NOT SURE ANYONE
WANTS TO SEE THAT, AND
HISTORICALLY, THAT HASN'T BEEN
THE FED'S ROLE.
[LAUGHTER]
SO THE QUESTION OF WHETHER
INFLATION IS CAUSED MORE BY
SUPPLY OR DEMAND BASICALLY
DETERMINES HOW MUCH INFLUENCE
THE FED HAS TO IMPROVE THINGS.
UNFORTUNATELY, EVEN ECONOMISTS
DON'T REALLY AGREE ON WHICH IS
THE BIGGER DRIVER.
MEANING THE TRUTH IS, INFLATION
MAY NOT BE FULLY WITHIN OUR
CONTROL RIGHT NOW.
WHICH ISN'T TO SAY THAT
BIDEN HASN'T BEEN OUT THERE
PROMISING TO COMBAT IT AND
SHOWING EMPATHY FOR AMERICANS
WHO ARE STRUGGLING, SOMETIMES IN
THE WEIRDEST WAY POSSIBLE.
>> I WANT EVERY AMERICAN TO KNOW
THAT I'M TAKING INFLATION VERY
SERIOUSLY, AND IT'S MY TOP
DOMESTIC PRIORITY.
I KNOW YOU GOT TO BE FRUSTRATED.
I KNOW.
I CAN TASTE IT.
[LAUGHTER]
>> John: NO!
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!
NEVER SAY THAT AGAIN!
THAT MAY HAVE BEEN THE SINGLE
GROSSEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD
COME OUT OF JOE BIDEN'S MOUTH.
AND THAT'S SAYING A LOT, BECAUSE
I'VE HEARD THE STUFF HE USED TO
SAY IN THE '70s.
BUT TO BE FAIR, I GET WHY
BIDEN'S TAKING THIS APPROACH.
AMERICANS VIEW INFLATION AS THE
TOP PROBLEM FACING THE U.S.
AHEAD OF THE MIDTERM ELECTIONS,
AHEAD OF EVERY OTHER CALAMITY
FACING THE COUNTRY, INCLUDING
EZRA MILLER.
[LAUGHTER]
AND THERE IS AN ARGUMENT FOR
TRYING TO RAISE PUBLIC
CONFIDENCE.
ONCE AN INFLATIONARY CYCLE
STARTS, SIMPLY THE EXPECTATION
OF IT CAN KEEP INFLATION GOING.
FOR INSTANCE, AS THE COST OF
LIVING RISES, WORKERS MIGHT
DEMAND HIGHER WAGES TO COVER
THAT, WHICH IN TURN, RAISES THE
COST OF LABOR, LEADING
BUSINESSES TO CHARGE HIGHER
PRICES, LEADING TO STILL MORE
INFLATION.
IT'S BASICALLY A VICIOUS CYCLE.
THAT IS WHY THE WORSE OUR
INFLATION EXPECTATIONS ARE, THE
WORSE IT CAN GET.
AND THAT MAY HELP EXPLAIN WHY
THE FED -- ALBEIT LATE -- IS NOW
TAKING SOME BIG STEPS.
IT RECENTLY ENACTED THE BIGGEST
INCREASE TO INTEREST RATES SINCE
1994.
AND IT'S ALL BUT CERTAIN THAT
IT WILL RAISE THEM AGAIN NEXT
WEEK.
MEANWHILE, JEROME POWELL HAS
BEEN TRYING TO REASSURE PEOPLE
THAT THE FED HAS THINGS UNDER
CONTROL.
ALTHOUGH HE'S ALSO NOTABLY GONE
FROM TALKING ABOUT TRYING TO
ENGINEER A "SOFT LANDING" FOR
THE ECONOMY, TO SOMETHING
SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT.
>> SO, I WOULD SAY THERE'S A --
THERE'S A, YOU KNOW -- THERE ARE
A NUMBER OF PLAUSIBLE PATHS TO
HAVING A SOFT, OR AS I'VE SAID,
SOFT-ISH LANDING.
>> John: OH!
SO WE'RE AIMING FOR A "SOFT-ISH"
LANDING NOW, ARE WE?
THE THING IS, "ISH" ISN'T
EXACTLY THE MOST REASSURING
SUFFIX TO HEAR WHEN YOU'RE
DISCUSSING SOMETHING SO SERIOUS.
THERE IS A HUGE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN A SURGEON TELLING YOU,
"THE SURGERY WENT WELL" AND
"IT WENT WELL...ISH."
[LAUGHTER]
LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHERE THINGS
ARE GOING TO GO, EXACTLY.
I'M NOT A MONETARY POLICY WONK,
EVEN THOUGH MY CLOTHING,
GLASSES, HAIRCUT, AND GENERAL
VIBE WOULD STRONGLY BEG TO
DIFFER.
[LAUGHTER]
ALTHOUGH FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH,
THERE HAVE BEEN SOME SMALL
ENCOURAGING DEVELOPMENTS
RECENTLY.
AMONG OTHER THINGS, GAS PRICES
HAVE BEEN DROPPING, AND
LONG-TERM INFLATION EXPECTATIONS
RECENTLY TICKED DOWN AFTER THE
FED'S INTERVENTION.
MOST ECONOMISTS NOW EXPECT THIS
WAVE OF INFLATION TO PASS IN A
YEAR OR 18 MONTHS, ALTHOUGH
THAT'S BY NO MEANS CERTAIN, AND
IMPORTANTLY: THAT'S AN
INCREDIBLY LONG TIME FOR
THOSE SUFFERING THE MOST.
BECAUSE FOR ALL OUR DISCUSSION
OF SUPPLY AND DEMAND CURVES,
IT'S IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER THAT
INFLATION'S EFFECTS ARE ANYTHING
BUT ABSTRACT FOR THOSE IT'S
HITTING THE HARDEST, LIKE THIS
WOMAN, DESCRIBING SHOPPING WITH
HER KIDS.
>> THEY SEE IT, YOU KNOW, LIKE
WHEN I'M IN LINE AND I'M LIKE,
YOU KNOW, CALCULATING IN MY HEAD
AND LOOKING AT MY GROCERIES,
RIGHT.
LIKE, LITERALLY, I HAVE MY
CALCULATOR OUT, LIKE, DOING THE
TAX AND, LIKE, WHAT IS THIS
GOING TO COME TO?
OR I'M PUTTING THINGS BACK AS WE
GET CLOSER IN LINE, YOU KNOW.
AND MY OLDEST DAUGHTER IS, LIKE,
LOOKING AT ME AND THEN, LIKE,
SHE'S PUTTING SOMETHING BACK.
IT JUST, YOU KNOW, BREAKS YOUR
HEART A LITTLE BIT.
>> John: YEAH.
KIDS SHOULDN'T HAVE TO WORRY
ABOUT PUTTING FOOD BACK ON THE
SHELVES BECAUSE YOU CAN'T AFFORD
IT.
KIDS SHOULD DO WHAT THEY'RE
MEANT TO AT THE GROCERY STORE:
GO OVER TO THE BIG BIN OF RUBBER
BALLS THAT ARE INEXPLICABLY SOLD
THERE AND CAUSE ABSOLUTE
MAYHEM.
[LAUGHTER]
SO THE NEXT YEAR IS LIKELY TO BE
VERY HARD FOR A LOT OF PEOPLE,
WHICH IS WHY WHAT WE SHOULD
DEFINITELY BE DOING IS HELPING
THEM.
ONE OF THE BEST WAYS TO HELP LOW
INCOME FAMILIES WOULD BE TO PASS
A REFUNDABLE CHILD TAX CREDIT
FOR THOSE WHO NEED IT.
AND I KNOW THAT MAY BE HARD IN
AN ATMOSPHERE WHERE
GOVERNMENT SPENDING IS BEING
BLAMED FOR FUELING INFLATION.
BUT IT COULD BE NARROWLY
TARGETED, WHILE ALSO FULLY
OFFSET, WITH HIGHER TAXES ON
HIGHER EARNERS.
WE COULD ALSO EXPAND RENTAL
ASSISTANCE, SOMETHING ECONOMISTS
SAY WOULD HAVE A MINIMAL IMPACT
ON DRIVING INFLATION FURTHER UP,
WHILE ALSO KEEPING PEOPLE IN
THEIR HOMES.
LOOK, THINGS ARE OBVIOUSLY
PRETTY BAD RIGHT NOW.
FAMILIES ARE STRUGGLING,
PENGUINS ARE PISSED, AND JIM
CRAMER LOOKS LIKE HE JUST SHIT
HIMSELF.
[LAUGHTER]
AND THERE IS STILL A LOT OF
UNCERTAINTY HERE.
BUT THERE ARE ALSO TWO THINGS WE
KNOW FOR SURE: ONE, IT'S GOING
TO TAKE A DIFFICULT COMBINATION
OF MONETARY POLICY, SUPPLY CHAIN
RECOVERY, AND TIME TO BRING
SUPPLY AND DEMAND BACK INTO
ALIGNMENT.
AND TWO, THAT IF EVERYONE DOES
WIN THE LOTTERY IN THE FUTURE,
AND SUDDENLY WANTS FROG STATUES,
I JUST MADE THE SMARTEST
INVESTMENT OF ALL TIME!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I'M THE WARREN BUFFETT OF FROGS!
AND NOW, THIS.
>> Announcer: AND NOW LOCAL
NEWS REACTS TO THE CONSEQUENCES
OF GLOBAL WARMING EXACTLY HOW
EXPECTED.
>> AS HIP-HOP SENSATION NELLY
ONCE SAID, IT'S HOT, SO HOT IN
HERE.
JUST HOW HOT IS IT, ELIZABETH?
>> IT SO HARD IN HERE, HOW HOT
IS IT?
>> IT SO HOT I'D BROUGHT A LOAF
OF BREAD AND IT WAS TOAST.
>> IT SO HARD I SAW A DOG
CHASING A CAT AND THEY WERE BOTH
WALKING.
>> IT IS SO HOT I SAW A DEVIL BY
THE AC.
>> HOW HOT IS IT?
>> I ALMOST CALLED MY
EX-GIRLFRIEND JUST SO I COULD BE
AROUND SOMETHING SHADY.
>> IT IS SO HOT I THINK I SAW A
CHICKEN LIGHT AND OMELETTE.
>> ADAM AND EVE ARE GOING TO
TRADE THEIR FIG LEAVES FOR ICE
CUBES.
>> LONDON IS SO HOT --
>> HOW HOT IS IT?
>> THEY ARE CANCELING FLIGHTS
AND THEY'RE DOING BETTER THAN
SPAIN, WHERE IT WAS 90
YESTERDAY.
HUMIDITY AROUND 100%.
♪ ♪
[APPLAUSE]
>> John: MOVING ON.
BEFORE WE GO, A QUICK UPDATE ON
SOMETHING WE MENTIONED DURING
THE BREAK.
SPECIFICALLY, DOLLS.
THE SINGLE WEIRDEST THING TO
BRING TO A JOB INTERVIEW.
"I WENT TO UNC, BUT LILIANA WENT
TO TULANE."
[LAUGHTER]
OVER THE JULY 4th WEEKEND WE
RELEASED A WEB PIECE ABOUT THE
FACT DOLLS HAVE BEEN WASHING UP
ON A PARTICULAR STRETCH OF BEACH
IN TEXAS.
AND EACH ONE IS A LEGITIMATE
HORROR SHOW -- FROM
"GREEN PIRATE BABY," TO
"NIGHTMARE GHOUL BABY," TO
"BARNACLE BABY" ONE, TWO, AND
THREE.
HONESTLY, I NOW SEE THESE DEMONS
EVERYWHERE.
IN THE MIRROR?
SUDDENLY THERE'S A DOLL.
IN THE STUNNING, HUMBLING
IMAGES FROM THE JAMES WEBB
SPACE TELESCOPE?
ANOTHER DOLL.
LOOK, I'M 45-YEARS-OLD.
I'VE ENCOUNTERED A WIDE BREADTH
OF EMOTIONS.
BUT NOT UNTIL I SAW THESE THINGS
DID I EXPERIENCE THE FEELING OF
BEING HUNTED.
AND I WILL SAY: IT SEEMS LIKE
THE LOCAL NEWS IN TEXAS
APPRECIATED US GIVING THEIR
PLIGHT SOME ATTENTION.
>> THIS IS A LITTLE CREEPY.
IT'S HAPPENING ALONG THE BEACHES
IN SOUTH TEXAS.
AND WHILE, YOU KNOW, ANYTHING
CAN WASH UP ON SHORE, THESE
DOLLS ARE REALLY TURNING HEADS.
RECENTLY, THE TREND CAUGHT
THE EYE OF HBO'S JOHN OLIVER WHO
OFFERED UP HIS OWN SOLUTION FOR
WHAT HE CALLS "THE DEMON DOLLS."
[LAUGHTER]
>> BURN THEM!
BURN THEM NOW!
>> John: YEAH.
I SAID THAT.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
I STAND BY THAT SENTIMENT.
ALTHOUGH OUR IDEA WASN'T JUST
THAT THE DOLLS SHOULD BE BURNED.
IT'S THAT THE COASTAL RESERVE
THAT KEEPS FINDING THEM SHOULD
SELL THEM TO US, AND ALLOW US TO
FIND AN APPROPRIATE WAY TO
DISPOSE OF THEM.
SO WE OFFERED $10,000 TO THEIR
TURTLE HOSPITAL IF THEY SENT AS
EVERY REMAINING PLASTIC BEAST
THEY HAD.
AND APPARENTLY THEY GOT THE
MESSAGE.
>> HE SAID THAT THEY WERE GONNA
DONATE, YOU KNOW, IF I SENT HIM
ALL THE DOLLS THAT I HAVE, THEY
WERE GONNA DONATE $10,000, AND
THEN THEY WERE GONNA DESTROY ALL
THE DOLLS.
[LAUGHS]
AND I THOUGHT, THAT SOUNDS
REALLY GOOD TO ME, 'CAUSE, YOU
KNOW, THE AMOS REHABILITATION
KEEP THAT REHABS THE SEA
TURTLES, THEY'RE PRETTY MUCH RUN
ON DONATIONS FROM THE COMMUNITY,
SO $10,000 CAN GO A LONG WAY AND
SAVE HUNDREDS OF SEA TURTLES, SO
I'M ALL ABOUT THAT.
>> John: OH, YEAH, YEAH, ME TOO.
I LIKE SEA TURTLES.
I THINK THEY'RE FUN, ROUND
LITTLE GUYS.
BUT WAS THAT MY MAIN OBJECTIVE?
NO, OF COURSE FUCKING NOT.
THIS WAS MAINLY ABOUT SAVING THE
PLANET FROM THE HEINOUS SCOURGE
OF THESE PLASTIC BEACH DEMONS.
ANYWAY, WE BEGAN A
CORRESPONDENCE WITH THAT MAN,
INCLUDING, AT ONE POINT, HIM
SENDING US THIS PHOTO OF THE
AVAILABLE DOLLS.
WHICH IS REALLY BAD.
A REALLY BAD WAY TO DO THINGS.
A BUCKET IS THE SINGLE WORST
PLACE TO KEEP THEM, OTHER THAN
AT A HOSPITAL IN BASSINETS RIGHT
NEXT TO REAL BABIES.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT WE KEPT UP OUR END OF THE
DEAL.
WE SENT THE TURTLE REHAB THE
MONEY, AND IN RETURN, THEY SENT
US THE DOLLS.
NOW, WE WERE ACTUALLY ON BREAK
WHEN THAT HAPPENED, SO ONE OF
OUR STAFF MEMBERS HAD THEM
SHIPPED DIRECTLY TO HER HOME,
MEANING SHE HAD IN THE PLACE
WHERE SHE LIVES THIS BOX.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
I TAKE IT BACK.
THE BUCKET WAS FINE.
THIS BOX IS A MUCH WORSE PLACE
TO KEEP THEM.
BUT THE FACT IS: WE ARE NOW IN
POSSESSION OF THIS LARGE BUCKET
FULL OF MY WORST NIGHTMARES.
[APPLAUSE]
THIS MAY BE THE SINGLE CREEPIEST
THING THAT'S EVER BEEN INSIDE OF
THIS BUILDING, WHICH IS SAYING
SOMETHING BECAUSE CHARLIE ROSE
USED TO WORK DOWN THE HALL.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT BEFORE WE GET INTO WHAT
WE'RE GOING TO DO WITH THEM, WE
ACTUALLY HAVE A SECOND QUICK
UPDATE FOR YOU.
BECAUSE YOU MAY REMEMBER WE HAVE
ANOTHER OUTSTANDING OFFER ON THE
TABLE.
BACK IN JUNE, WE DISCUSSED
THIS GIANT AUSTRALIAN BANANA,
WHICH WAS INSTALLED IN THE CITY
OF YARRA, IN MELBOURNE, AS PART
OF A CITY COUNCIL PROJECT TO
SLOW DOWN TRAFFIC.
BUT IT WAS SADLY REMOVED AFTER
SOMEONE VANDALIZED IT WITH A
SAW.
NOW, THERE WAS SOME CONTROVERSY
OVER THE BANANA, ESPECIALLY
BECAUSE YARRA APPARENTLY SPENT
$22,000 ON IT.
SO WE OFFERED TO BUY IT FOR $10,
PLUS A $10,000 DONATION TO THEIR
LOCAL FOOD BANK, AND A $5,000
DONATION TO THE JOHN OLIVER
KOALA CHLAMYDIA WARD.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT THAT'S NOT ALL.
WE ALSO OFFERED OUR "GIANT
ALLIGATOR GIVING THE FINGER"
STATUE AS A REPLACEMENT FOR
THEM.
IT WAS A PRETTY GOOD DEAL.
AND YOU SHOULD KNOW WE ACTUALLY
JUST HEARD BACK FROM YARRA.
>> HI, JOHN, I'M SOPHIE WAY, THE
MAYOR OF THE CITY OF YARRA, IN
MELBOURNE.
WE WERE THRILLED TO RECEIVE YOUR
OFFER TO PROVIDE A HOME FOR OUR
BELOVED YET BELEAGUERED BANANA
STATUE.
AFTER MUCH CONSIDERATION
HOWEVER, WE MUST DECLINE YOUR
OFFER.
PUBLIC ART IS AN INVESTMENT IN
LOCAL ARTISTS, THE COMMUNITY,
AND THE VIBRANCY OF OUR STREETS,
SO IT SHOULDN'T BE PRIVATIZED
AND KEPT IN AN OFFICE.
>> John: OKAY, FIRST, I WOULDN'T
CALL THIS "PUBLIC ART" SO MUCH
AS I'D CALL IT "THE FINAL BOSS
IN DONKEY KONG," BUT AGREE TO
DISAGREE THERE.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT SECOND, THAT WAS OBVIOUSLY
DISAPPOINTING FOR ME TO HEAR.
ALTHOUGH SHE DID HAVE A FOLLOWUP
SUGGESTION.
>> WE WOULD LOVE TO OFFER YOUR
BELLIGERENT ALLIGATOR A NEW HOME
HERE IN MELBOURNE.
WE KNOW YOU'LL BE DISAPPOINTED
ABOUT THE BANANA.
WHO WOULDN'T BE?
SO AS COMPENSATION, WE WILL NAME
OUR POLYSTYRENE RECYCLING
MACHINE AFTER YOU.
[LAUGHTER]
IT TURNS TRASH INTO TREASURE,
MAKES A LOT OF NOISE, AND NERDS
LOVE IT.
SO IT SEEMS FITTING.
WE HOPE OUR COUNTEROFFER IS
A-PEELING.
>> John: OKAY, FIRST: SOLID
BURN.
DON'T PARTICULARLY CARE FOR THE
PUN.
AND THIRD, NOW WE'RE TALKING!
BECAUSE BEFORE WATCHING THAT
VIDEO, I DIDN'T REALIZE I WANTED
MY NAME ATTACHED TO A MACHINE
THAT VIGOROUSLY CHURNS OUT A
SUBSTANCE THAT LOOKS LIKE
SOMEONE STUFFED SNOOPY THROUGH A
SAUSAGE MAKER.
BUT IT TURNS OUT, I WANT IT VERY
BADLY.
IN FACT, I NOW HAVE A COUNTER TO
YOUR COUNTEROFFER.
BECAUSE, TO BE CLEAR, I AM NOT
OFFERING YOU MY ALLIGATOR STATUE
ANYMORE.
THAT WENT OFF THE TABLE AS SOON
AS YOU DENIED ME THE BANANA.
NO BANANA, NO ALLIGATOR.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT I AM STILL WILLING TO SEND
$10,000 TO YOUR FOOD BANK AND
$5,000 TO THE KOALA CHLAMYDIA
WARD IF YOU NAME THAT RECYCLING
MACHINE AFTER ME AND -- AND THIS
IS NON-NEGOTIABLE -- YOU TAKE
THIS BUCKET OF HELLISH DOLLS AND
RUN THEM THROUGH YOUR MACHINE TO
DESTROY THEM FOREVER.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I CAN THINK OF NO BETTER WAY TO
RID THE WORLD OF THIS MENACE.
AND IF YOU ARE SAD YOU'RE NOT
GETTING THE ALLIGATOR, DON'T
WORRY, I ALSO HAVE A CONSOLATION
PRIZE.
BECAUSE I'LL ALSO THROW IN
THESE THREE GLORIOUS FROG
STATUES, WHICH WILL ONLY
APPRECIATE IN VALUE.
YOU HAVE EXACTLY ONE WEEK TO GET
BACK TO US.
I AWAIT YOUR RESPONSE WITH
INTEREST, YARRA!
THAT'S OUR SHOW, THANK YOU SO
MUCH FOR WATCHING, WE'LL SEE YOU
NEXT WEEK, GOODNIGHT!
[APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪
[APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪
[FROG CROAKING]