♪ ♪
>> John: WELCOME, WELCOME,
WELCOME TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT!"
I'M JOHN OLIVER.
THANKS SO MUCH FOR JOINING US.
IT HAS BEEN A BUSY WEEK, AND A
HUGE ONE FOR THE PRESIDENT, WITH
CONGRESS PASSING THE INFLATION
REDUCTION ACT, WHICH INCLUDES
THE SINGLE-LARGEST INVESTMENT IN
COMBATING CLIMATE CHANGE IN U.S.
HISTORY.
IN ANY OTHER WEEK, THAT WOULD
HAVE COMPLETELY DOMINATED THE
HEADLINES.
BUT NOT THIS ONE!
BECAUSE AS I'M SURE YOU KNOW, ON
MONDAY, THE F.B.I. SEARCHED
MAR-A-LAGO AND SEIZED DOCUMENTS,
SOMETHING THAT TRUMP REACTED TO
WITH CHARACTERISTIC RESTRAINT.
>> MR. TRUMP SAID MAR-A-LAGO WAS
"UNDER SIEGE, RAIDED, AND
OCCUPIED BY A LARGE NUMBER OF
F.B.I. AGENTS."
ADDING, "THEY EVEN BROKE INTO MY
SAFE!"
>> John: NO, NOT YOUR SAFE!
YES, AMAZINGLY, THE F.B.I. EVEN
CHECKS YOUR LOCKED SAFES WHEN
THEY GO THROUGH YOUR HOME WITH A
SEARCH WARRANT.
THE ONLY WAY AROUND THAT IS IF
YOUR SAFE SAYS "NO F.B.I.
ALLOWED!" ON IT.
THEN, LEGALLY, THEY CAN'T LOOK
IN THERE.
THE SEARCH APPARENTLY STEMS FROM
CLASSIFIED AND SENSITIVE
DOCUMENTS TRUMP TOOK FROM THE
WHITE HOUSE AS HE LEFT OFFICE,
WITH SOME REPORTEDLY CONTAINING
INFORMATION RELATED TO NUCLEAR
WEAPONS.
AND I'M NOT GOING TO SPECULATE
OR JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS HERE --
BECAUSE THERE'S STILL SO MUCH WE
DON'T KNOW.
BUT MANY SEEMED HAPPY TO DO THAT
THIS WEEK, WITH MULTIPLE
REPUBLICANS LIKENING THE F.B.I.
TO THE GESTAPO, FOX NEWS
TRAWLING THROUGH THE FACEBOOK
FEED OF THE JUDGE WHO APPROVED
THE WARRANT AND SHOWING A MEME
OF HIS FACE ON JEFFREY EPSTEIN'S
BODY, AND STILL OTHERS
PREEMPTIVELY MINIMIZING WHAT
TRUMP MAY HAVE DONE.
>> THERE ARE A NUMBER OF THINGS
THAT ARE CLASSIFIED THAT FALL
UNDER THE UMBRELLA OF NUCLEAR
WEAPONS, BUT THAT ARE NOT
NECESSARILY THINGS THAT ARE
TRULY CLASSIFIED.
MANY OF THEM YOU CAN FIND ON
YOUR OWN PHONE.
>> John: I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY
WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THAT GUY
BUT THE WAY HE'S CLEARING HIS
THROAT LETS ME KNOW THAT HIS
BODY IS REACTING TO THE NONSENSE
HE'S SPEWING THERE.
BECAUSE WHILE IT'S TRUE THAT WE
DO, ABSOLUTELY, OVERCLASSIFY
DOCUMENTS.
AND IT'S ALSO TRUE THAT THE
INTERNET HOLDS A VAST ARRAY OF
KNOWLEDGE IT PROBABLY
SHOULDN'T -- LIKE INFO ON
NUCLEAR WEAPONS AND AN ENTIRE
WEBSITE DEVOTED TO CELEBRITY'S
FEET, I'M WAITING, BY THE WAY.
I WOULDN'T BE SO QUICK TO ASSUME
THE MOST CAUTIOUS A.G. THE U.S.
HAS HAD FOR A WHILE TOOK THE
UNPRECEDENTED STEP OF SENDING
THE F.B.I. TO AN EX-PRESIDENT'S
HOUSE IF HE DIDN'T THINK IT WAS
ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY.
THERE'S GOING TO BE A LOT
MORE TO SAY ABOUT THIS AS THINGS
DEVELOP, BUT FOR NOW, WE'RE
GOING TO DIVE STRAIGHT IN WITH
OUR MAIN STORY THIS WEEK, WHICH
CONCERNS AFGHANISTAN.
A COUNTRY THAT'S BLESSED THE
WORLD WITH INNUMERABLE
TREASURES, FROM EMBROIDERY TO
TRADITIONAL PASHTO AND PERSIAN
POETRY TO THE AFGHAN HOUND.
UNDOUBTEDLY, THE REAL HOUSEWIFE
OF SHOW DOGS.
SHE'S A MESSY BITCH AND SHE
LIVES FOR DRAMA.
THIS WEEK MARKED THE ONE-YEAR
ANNIVERSARY OF OUR WITHDRAWAL
FROM AFGHANISTAN, WHICH YOU MAY
REMEMBER WAS COMPLETE MAYHEM.
>> THEY WERE SCENES MARKED BY
CHAOS AND DESPERATION.
HUNDREDS OF AFGHAN CITIZENS
RUNNING ALONGSIDE A DEPARTING
U.S. C-17.
NOW, NEARLY A YEAR AFTER THE
U.S. WITHDRAWAL, THE INDELIBLE
IMAGES REMAIN.
A U.S. MARINE LIFTING A BABY
OVER A BARBED WIRE TOPPED WALL
AT KABUL'S AIRPORT.
AND THIS PHOTO TAKEN
BY TECHNICAL SERGEANT
JUSTIN TRIOLA.
>> OKAY, HOW MANY PEOPLE DO YOU
THINK ARE ON YOUR JET?
800 PEOPLE ON YOUR JET?
HOLY COW.
>> John: YUP!
I THINK EVERYONE KNEW THE U.S.
OCCUPATION WAS GOING TO END
BADLY, BUT IT'S STILL SHOCKING
JUST HOW BAD IT WAS.
IN TERMS OF THINGS NOT GOING THE
WAY YOU THOUGHT, OUR EXIT WAS
THE FOREIGN POLICY EQUIVALENT OF
PUTTING A CAKE IN THE OVEN AND
THEN, FORTY MINUTES LATER,
TAKING OUT A LIVE RAT DRESSED AS
HITLER.
IT'S NOT JUST A FUCK-UP, IT'S A
MIND-BLOWING FUCK-UP THAT'LL
TAKE YEARS TO FULLY COMPREHEND.
EVERYTHING HAPPENED SO FAST,
APPARENTLY, EVEN THE TALIBAN WAS
SURPRISED AT HOW QUICKLY THE
AFGHAN GOVERNMENT FELL.
AND A PRETTY DECENT WAY OF
KNOWING IF THE U.S.
DID A GOOD JOB AT SOMETHING IS
BY ASKING THE QUESTION, "WAS
WHATEVER WE DID A FUN SURPRISE
FOR THE TALIBAN?"
WITHIN ELEVEN DAYS OF OUR
DEPARTURE, THE TALIBAN WERE IN
CONTROL, AND MANY TOP U.S.
MILITARY OFFICIALS HAVE
STRUGGLED SINCE THEN TO PUT INTO
WORDS JUST HOW BADLY THEY
MISCALCULATED, WITH GENERAL
MARK MILLEY PUTTING IT LIKE
THIS.
>> ALL THE INTEL ASSESSMENTS,
ALL OF US, GOT THAT WRONG.
THERE IS NO QUESTION ABOUT IT.
THAT WAS A SWING AND A MISS ON
THE INTEL ASSESSMENT OF 11 DAYS
IN AUGUST.
THERE'S NOBODY THAT CALLED THAT.
>> John: YEAH, THAT'S ABOUT
RIGHT.
"SWING AND A MISS" DESCRIBES
ROUGHLY 40% OF THE U.S.
GOVERNMENT'S HISTORY.
THE BREAKDOWN OF "STUFF WE'VE
DONE" GOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS:
40% "SWING AND A MISS,"
20% "BEEFED IT," 15% "WHOOPS,"
15% "WHOOPS, PARENTHESES,
MURDERS," AND 10% "DELIVERED
MOST, BUT NOT ALL, OF THE MAIL."
AND LOOK: THERE'S A LOT TO
CRITICIZE ABOUT THE WAY WE LEFT
AFGHANISTAN -- INCLUDING THE
FACT THAT, WHILE WE MANAGED TO
GET ROUGHLY 80,000 AFGHANS --
MANY OF WHOM HAD WORKED WITH THE
U.S. -- TO AMERICA SINCE THE
WITHDRAWAL, THE NUMBER WHO
REMAIN IN DANGER BECAUSE OF
THEIR ASSOCIATION WITH THE U.S.
MISSION CAN BE COUNTED IN THE
HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS.
SO, CRITICISM OF WHAT HAPPENED
IS COMPLETELY JUSTIFIED, THOUGH
MAYBE NOT FROM THE GUY WHOSE
ADMINISTRATION SIGNED THE DEAL
TO LEAVE IN THE FIRST PLACE.
>> BAGRAM IS THIS GREAT AIR BASE
THAT WAS BUILT MANY YEARS AGO
AND IT COST BILLIONS AND
BILLIONS.
AND WE LEFT IN ONE NIGHT,
EVERYBODY WAS GONE, THEY LEFT
THE LIGHTS ON.
THINK OF IT, THE LIGHTS WERE ALL
LEFT ON, THE DOGS WERE LEFT
BEHIND, BY THE WAY, FOR THOSE
PEOPLE THAT LIKE DOGS.
BUT WE LEFT -- AND THEY DON'T
LIKE DOGS, YOU KNOW THAT, THEY
DON'T LIKE DOGS.
THEY DON'T LIKE 'EM AT ALL.
>> John: WOW.
IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE WE'VE
HEARD TRUMP'S VOICE ON THIS
SHOW, AND I SOMEHOW FORGOT JUST
HOW BIZARRELY INCOHERENT HE IS.
IT'S TRULY EXTRAORDINARY TO SEE
HIS BRAIN FUNCTION LIKE A CROW
SPOTTING A CRUMPLED-UP CAN.
HE'S FLYING, FLYING, FLYING,
THEN -- WHOA NELLY, HOLD ON, IS
THAT WHAT I THINK IT IS?
SHINY GARBAGE?
NOSEDIVE!
ALSO -- COMMENTS ABOUT PEOPLE
NOT LIKING DOGS ARE A LITTLE
ODD, COMING FROM A MAN WHO,
EVERY TIME HE HOLDS ONE, SEEMS
TO MAKE THE DOG WANT TO DIE.
BUT WE'RE NOT ACTUALLY GOING TO
TALK ABOUT THE WITHDRAWAL FROM
AFGHANISTAN TONIGHT.
INSTEAD, WE'RE GOING TO FOCUS ON
EVERYTHING THAT'S HAPPENED
SINCE.
BECAUSE WHILE AFGHANISTAN HAS
FADED AS A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION
IN THIS COUNTRY, IT REALLY
SHOULDN'T, BECAUSE IT'S IN DIRE
CRISIS RIGHT NOW.
AND I WILL ADMIT, THIS IS A GRIM
TOPIC.
BUT IT'S ALSO AN IMPORTANT ONE.
BECAUSE THINGS ARE GOING WORSE
IN AFGHANISTAN THAN YOU MAY
KNOW, FOR REASONS THAT HAVE EVEN
MORE TO DO WITH OUR DECISIONS
THAN YOU MIGHT THINK.
SO, TONIGHT, LET'S CHECK IN ON
AFGHANISTAN.
AND LET'S START WITH THE FACT
THAT, AS I MENTIONED, THE
TALIBAN IS NOW IN CHARGE.
AND IN THE EARLY DAYS OF THEIR
TAKEOVER, THEY TRIED TO CONVEY A
SLIGHTLY SOFTER IMAGE TO
JOURNALISTS, THROUGH CAREFREE
PHOTO OPS LIKE THIS ONE, WHERE
TALIBAN MEMBERS VISITED A
FAIRGROUND IN KABUL, OR THIS
ONE, WHERE THEY TOOK A TRIP TO
THE ZOO, AND REALLY SPELLED OUT
THE MESSAGE THEY WANTED THE
WORLD TO HEAR.
>> WE WANT TO SHOW EVERYONE THAT
UNDER ISLAMIC RULE AND SECURITY,
EVERYTHING IS ENJOYABLE AND
EVERYONE CAN LIVE IN THEIR OWN
COUNTRY THE WAY THEY WANT.
>> John: YEAH, SURE.
THAT'S WHAT YOU ASSOCIATE THE
TALIBAN WITH.
FREEDOM FOR EVERYONE TO LIVE
THEIR BEST LIFE.
ALSO, FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH, I
DON'T THINK LOSING THE RIGHT TO
DRIVE BUMPER CARS OR GO TO THE
ZOO WAS AT THE TOP OF ANYONE'S
LIST OF CONCERNS WHEN THE
TALIBAN TOOK OVER.
IT'S AKIN TO THE POPE SAYING,
"DON'T WORRY, EVERYONE --
CATHOLICS ARE STILL ALLOWED TO
USE POGO STICKS!"
OKAY, GREAT, BUT TO BE HONEST,
THAT'S NOT THE MAIN ISSUE PEOPLE
HAVE WITH THE CATHOLIC CHURCH.
AND WHILE THE TALIBAN IS NOT
ACTUALLY A MONOLITH -- DIFFERENT
REGIONAL LEADERS RULE WITH
DIFFERENT DEGREES OF SEVERITY --
I STILL FEEL COMFORTABLE SAYING
EVERYTHING IS VERY MUCH NOT
ENJOYABLE FOR EVERYONE IN
AFGHANISTAN RIGHT NOW.
FOR STARTERS, THERE'VE BEEN
BRUTAL REPRISALS AGAINST U.S.
ALLIES AND FORMER AFGHAN
GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEES.
NEARLY 500 OF WHOM WERE KILLED
OR FORCIBLY DISAPPEARED DURING
THE TALIBAN'S FIRST SIX MONTHS
IN POWER, AND ON A MUCH BIGGER
LEVEL, THE TALIBAN'S TAKEN AN
ABSOLUTE SLEDGEHAMMER TO WOMEN'S
RIGHTS.
FOR ALL THE MANY LEGITIMATE
CRITICISMS OF AMERICA'S
OCCUPATION, WOMEN DID MAKE HUGE
GAINS THERE: IN 2001, THERE WERE
FEW, IF ANY, GIRLS IN SCHOOL,
AND BY 2020, GIRLS MADE UP
ROUGHLY 40% OF ALL STUDENTS.
THAT SAME YEAR, AFGHANISTAN'S
PARLIAMENT HAD A HIGHER
PERCENTAGE OF WOMEN THAN THE
U.S. CONGRESS DID.
BUT NOW THEY'RE ESSENTIALLY BACK
TO ZERO.
BUT MUCH MORE THAN THAT, TALIBAN
DECREES HAVE TRIED TO CONTROL
NEARLY EVERY ASPECT OF WOMEN'S
LIVES, ORDERING THAT THEY
SHOULDN'T LEAVE THEIR HOMES
UNLESS NECESSARY, AND THAT ONLY
WOMEN WHO CAN'T BE REPLACED BY
MEN WILL BE ALLOWED TO KEEP
WORKING.
IN FACT, ONE OF THE ONLY AREAS
WOMEN CAN WORK IS IN HEALTHCARE,
BECAUSE THERE ARE SOME
SITUATIONS WHERE MEN AREN'T
ALLOWED TO TREAT WOMEN AS
PATIENTS.
THIS MIDWIFE, FOR EXAMPLE, IS
STILL WORKING IN A HOSPITAL.
BUT SHE'S FURIOUS ABOUT WHAT SHE
SEES HAPPENING TO HER COUNTRY.
>> THE TALIBAN CANNOT BAN ME
FROM WORKING IN THE HOSPITAL
BECAUSE THEY KNOW THAT IT IS
NEEDED.
I HUMBLY REQUEST THE TALIBAN DO
NOT MEDDLE IN WOMEN'S RIGHTS TO
EDUCATION AND EMPLOYMENT.
OTHERWISE THEY ARE AMPUTATING
ONE ARM FROM THE BODY OF
SOCIETY.
OUR SOCIETY IS MADE OF TWO
PILLARS, A PILLAR OF MEN AND
ANOTHER PILLAR OF WOMEN.
HOW CAN YOU RUN YOUR LIFE
ONE-SIDED?
>> John: YEAH, OF COURSE, YOU
CAN'T RUN A SOCIETY ON A PILLAR
OF JUST MEN.
I MEAN WE'VE TRIED, FOR
THOUSANDS OF YEARS.
BUT LOOK WHAT IT'S GOT US:
WE HAVE A GLOBAL PANDEMIC, THE
PLANET IS ON FIRE, THE
BABY-SITTER'S CLUB IS CANCELED
DESPITE UNPARALLELED CRITICAL
SUCCESS, AND THE WORLD'S RICHEST
MAN IS A VENTRILOQUIST DUMMY
FROM HELL.
LET'S MAYBE LEAN ON THAT ONE
PILLAR A LITTLE LESS.
AND THINGS ARE GETTING WORSE.
BECAUSE IN MARCH, THE TALIBAN
WENT BACK ON A PROMISE THEY MADE
WHEN THEY TOOK OVER AND
ANNOUNCED THAT GIRLS WOULD BE
PREVENTED FROM RECEIVING A
SECONDARY SCHOOL EDUCATION IN
MOST OF THE COUNTRY.
NOW, THAT DECISION DREW
WIDESPREAD CONDEMNATION IN
AFGHANISTAN -- INCLUDING FROM
MANY TALIBAN MEMBERS.
BUT THE LEADERSHIP PUSHED BACK,
CLAIMING THAT IT'S JUST
TEMPORARY, AND ARGUING, AMONG
OTHER THINGS, THAT THEY SIMPLY
NEEDED MORE TIME TO DECIDE ON A
SCHOOL UNIFORM FOR TEENAGE
GIRLS.
WHICH IS CLEARLY TOTAL BULLSHIT.
BESIDES, FOR AN ORGANIZATION SO
CONCERNED WITH VIRTUE AND
PURITY, "TAKING MONTHS TO
BRAINSTORM A SCHOOLGIRL UNIFORM
YOU LIKE" IS OBJECTIVELY THE
SINGLE PERVIEST THING YOU CAN
DO.
SO, WOMEN IN PARTICULAR, HAVE
LOST A GREAT DEAL IN THE LAST
YEAR.
BUT ON TOP OF THAT, THE WHOLE
COUNTRY IS FACING A CASCADING
SERIES OF HUMANITARIAN CRISES.
THE U.N. HAS ESTIMATED THAT AS
MUCH AS 97% OF THE POPULATION IS
AT RISK OF SINKING BELOW THE
POVERTY LINE.
AND PART OF THAT IS DUE TO A
SERIES OF NATURAL DISASTERS,
FROM AN ONGOING SEVERE DROUGHT
THAT HAS HIT AROUND 80% OF THE
COUNTRY, DEVASTATING FOOD
PRODUCTION, TO A MASSIVE
EARTHQUAKE IN JUNE, AND FLOODING
JUST THIS MONTH.
BUT THAT'S BEEN EXACERBATED BY
THE FACT THAT THIS IS ALL
FALLING ON A BRAND-NEW TALIBAN
GOVERNMENT THAT'S IN NO WAY
EQUIPPED TO TAKE IT ON.
>> THE TALIBAN NOW NEED TO SHIFT
FROM BEING A JIHADIST INSURGENCY
TO A RULING GROUP.
FOR 20 YEARS, YOU'VE BUILT AN
ORGANIZATION THAT WAS DESIGNED
TO FIGHT, AND YOU MOTIVATED
PEOPLE TO ENGAGE IN SUICIDE
BOMBINGS.
THEY DON'T TURN INTO PEOPLE WHO
ARE GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS
OVERNIGHT.
>> John: YEAH, OF COURSE NOT.
A MILITANT INSURGENCY GROUP IS
PRETTY LOW ON THE LIST OF PEOPLE
THAT YOU WANT LEADING A
GOVERNMENT,
RIGHT AROUND THE HELL'S ANGELS,
THE MANSON FAMILY, AND RON
DeSANTIS.
AND TO BE ONE-MILLION PERCENT
CLEAR -- I AM NOT SUGGESTING
THAT THE U.S. OCCUPATION WAS A
PERFECT, MAGIC WONDERLAND.
IT WAS AWFUL IN ITS OWN WAYS --
NOT LEAST, HAVING TO LIVE UNDER
THE SPECTER OF "HELLFIRE BEING
RAINED DOWN FROM FLYING UNMANNED
DEATH MACHINES EVERY DAY."
OUR CONTINUED PRESENCE THERE WAS
UNTENABLE.
BUT THE EXACT CIRCUMSTANCES OF
OUR DEPARTURE HAVE, TO A
SIGNIFICANT DEGREE, MADE THINGS
SUBSTANTIALLY WORSE.
BECAUSE WE'VE MADE A SERIES OF
DECISIONS -- SOME OF THEM
UNDERSTANDABLE -- THAT HAVE HAD
HUGE RAMIFICATIONS FOR THE
AFGHAN PEOPLE.
AND LET'S START WITH THE TALIBAN
GOVERNMENT ITSELF.
WHEN IT TOOK OVER, MANY OF ITS
MEMBERS WERE ALREADY SANCTIONED
BY THE U.S., BECAUSE WE LIST THE
TALIBAN AS A SPECIALLY
DESIGNATED TERRORIST GROUP.
SO, SUDDENLY, THOSE PRE-EXISTING
SANCTIONS APPLIED TO AT LEAST
PART OF THE TALIBAN GOVERNMENT.
TAKE SIRAHDUDDIN HAQQANI.
THE STATE DEPARTMENT CURRENTLY
HAS A TEN MILLION DOLLAR REWARD
OUT FOR INFORMATION LEADING TO
HIS ARREST.
BUT YOU SHOULD KNOW -- HE'S THE
CURRENT ACTING INTERIOR MINISTER
THERE.
SO, GUESS WHAT, STATE
DEPARTMENT?
I FOUND HIM!
CAN YOU MAIL ME MY $10 MILLION,
PLEASE?
DON'T WORRY, I SPEND MY MONEY
VERY WISELY.
SO, INDIVIDUALS IN THE TALIBAN
GOVERNMENT ARE SANCTIONED --
WHICH EFFECTIVELY MEANS THE
WHOLE GOVERNMENT IS.
MAKING IT NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE FOR
BANKS, BUSINESSES, AND CHARITIES
TO OPERATE THERE.
WHICH IS A MASSIVE PROBLEM.
ESPECIALLY BECAUSE 75% OF THE
FORMER AFGHAN GOVERNMENT'S
BUDGET CAME FROM FOREIGN AID AND
GRANTS.
75%!
THAT WAS THE MONEY THAT, AMONG
OTHER THINGS, PAID THE SALARIES
FOR VITAL GOVERNMENT SERVICES --
LIKE TEACHERS AND PUBLIC SECTOR
EMPLOYEES.
AND ALL THAT AID DISAPPEARED
ALMOST IMMEDIATELY.
AS ONE EXPERT HAS SAID, "NO
COUNTRY IN THE WORLD COULD
WITHSTAND A SHARP CUTOFF OF THAT
AID."
AND IT'S AFFECTED EVERYTHING.
IN HEALTHCARE, FOR INSTANCE, THE
WORLD BANK AND OTHER
ORGANIZATIONS IMMEDIATELY FROZE
$600 MILLION IN AID.
WHICH LEFT DOCTORS IN A VERY
DIFFICULT POSITION.
>> THIS STATE HOSPITAL IN THE
HEART OF KABUL HAS NOT RECEIVED
FUNDING SINCE THE TALIBAN
TAKEOVER.
>> WE DON'T HAVE ANY MEDICINE
HERE.
WE HAD ANTIBIOTICS, PAINKILLERS,
AND VITAMINS HERE, BUT IT'S
EMPTY NOW.
>> WHAT'S YOUR BUDGET NOW IN
TOTAL FOR THE DEPARTMENT?
>> FOR THE TOTAL DEPARTMENT, WE
DIDN'T HAVE, JUST ONLY FOR OUR
SALARY WE HAVE BUDGET, BUT FOR
OTHER ITEM, WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY
BUDGET.
>> SO, YOU MEAN YOUR BUDGET IS
ZERO?
>> THE BUDGET IS ZERO, YEAH.
>> John: YEAH.
ZERO.
IT IS HARD TO IMAGINE HOW A
HOSPITAL CAN EVEN FUNCTION WITH
A BUDGET OF ZERO, UNLESS EVERY
EXAM ROOM IS JUST A PAPER BAG
AND A SIGN THAT SAYS, "YELL WHAT
HURTS INTO THIS BAG, THEN
LEAVE."
AND IT GETS EVEN WORSE.
BECAUSE THE U.S. ALSO FROZE
AFGHANISTAN'S CENTRAL BANK
ASSETS HELD IN AMERICA,
AMOUNTING TO AROUND $7 BILLION.
NOW, THAT IS MONEY TYPICALLY
USED TO DO THINGS LIKE KEEP THE
CURRENCY STABLE, FINANCE
IMPORTS, AND PROVIDE MONEY TO
THE BANKING SYSTEM.
THE U.S. FROZE THESE ASSETS, TO
PREVENT THE TALIBAN FROM
ACCESSING THEM, BUT THAT ALSO
KNEECAPPED THE COUNTRY'S ENTIRE
BANKING SYSTEM, ESPECIALLY AS
AFGHANISTAN DOESN'T HAVE THE
ABILITY TO PRINT ITS OWN
CURRENCY.
ALL OF THIS LED TO A LITERAL
CASH SHORTAGE, WHERE EVEN
AFGHANS WHO DO HAVE MONEY IN THE
BANK CAN'T ACCESS IT.
SO, THERE'VE BEEN MASSIVE LINES
AND WAITS JUST TO GET MONEY
OUT.
AT SOME BANKS, WITHDRAWING CASH
HAS REPORTEDLY TAKEN THREE DAYS
OR MORE.
AND THAT'S BROUGHT THE COUNTRY
TO AN UNUSUAL STATE OF AFFAIRS.
>> THIS IS A UNIQUE HUMANITARIAN
CRISIS.
THIS IS A SITUATION WHERE FOOD
IS TECHNICALLY AVAILABLE, BUT
THERE ISN'T ENOUGH LIQUIDITY IN
THE ECONOMY AND ENOUGH
AVAILABILITY OF PAPER CURRENCY
TO PURCHASE FOOD.
FOOD WHICH IS AVAILABLE.
>> John: RIGHT, AND THAT IS
AWFUL.
FOOD, BUT NO MONEY TO BUY IT
WITH.
IT'S LIKE A LYRIC FROM
ALANIS MORISSETTE'S "IRONIC"
IN THAT IT'S FUNDAMENTALLY
NOT IRONIC, AND I'M SURE
DAVE COULIER IS STILL SOMEHOW
TO BLAME.
THINGS ARE VERY GRIM IN
AFGHANISTAN.
ITS POPULATION IS YOUNG --
NEARLY HALF ARE UNDER THE AGE
OF 15 -- AND UNICEF HAS WARNED
THAT OVER A MILLION SEVERELY
MALNOURISHED CHILDREN WILL BE AT
RISK OF DEATH WITHOUT EMERGENCY
TREATMENT THIS YEAR.
AND BECAUSE MANY AFGHANS HAVE
NOWHERE TO TURN FOR FOOD OR FOR
MONEY, FAMILIES HAVE BEEN FORCED
TO MAKE SOME HARROWING CHOICES.
>> 40-YEAR-OLD GHULAM HAZRAT
SOLD HIS KIDNEY FOR AROUND
$2,300.
>> John: IT'S TRUE.
HE SOLD HIS KIDNEY, TO FEED HIS
KIDS, A DESPERATE DECISION THAT
YOU CAN MAKE PRECISELY ONCE.
THAT'S ACTUALLY AN INCREASINGLY
COMMON DECISION IN AFGHANISTAN.
AND IT'S NOT JUST THAT --
FAMILIES ARE ALSO SELLING SOME
OF THEIR CHILDREN, SO THEY CAN
FEED THE OTHERS.
WHICH IS UNIMAGINABLY
HEARTBREAKING.
SO CLEARLY, THE PEOPLE OF
AFGHANISTAN ARE IN DIRE NEED OF
HELP.
AND THE CURRENT PRESIDENT HAS,
AT TIMES, BEEN ALARMINGLY BLITHE
ABOUT THE SITUATION THERE.
>> DO I FEEL BADLY WHAT'S
HAPPENING TO -- AS A CONSEQUENCE
OF THE INCOMPETENCE OF THE
TALIBAN?
YES, I DO.
BUT I FEEL BADLY ALSO ABOUT THE
FISTULAS THAT ARE TAKING PLACE
IN EASTERN CONGO.
I FEEL BADLY ABOUT A WHOLE RANGE
OF THINGS AROUND THE WORLD THAT
WE CAN'T SOLVE EVERY PROBLEM.
>> John: OKAY, FIRST, I HATE TO
BE A MARIAN THE LIBRARIAN,
BUT YOU DON'T FEEL BADLY, YOU
FEEL BAD.
FEEL IS A LINKING VERB, AND
YOU'RE MODIFYING IT INCORRECTLY.
MARIAN OUT.
BUT SECOND, IT IS PRETTY
DISHEARTENING TO SEE OUR
OFFICIAL FOREIGN POLICY BOIL
DOWN TO "SORRY CHAMP, CAN'T
WIN 'EM ALL!"
ESPECIALLY WHEN THE U.S. IS SO
DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE FOR SO MANY
PROBLEMS IN AFGHANISTAN.
AND IN EAST CONGO, BY THE WAY,
BUT THAT'S A DIFFERENT STORY.
NOW, THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION
WILL POINT OUT THAT IT'S BEGUN
ISSUING SANCTIONS EXEMPTIONS TO
ALLOW THE FREE FLOW OF SOME
HUMANITARIAN AID.
AND IT'S SENT HUNDREDS OF
MILLIONS IN RELIEF TO
AFGHANISTAN -- MORE THAN ANY
OTHER COUNTRY.
WHICH IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE.
IT'S ALSO TRUE THAT THEY'VE DONE
THAT IN THE FACE OF STIFF
OPPOSITION FROM SOME ON THE
RIGHT, WHO ARGUE IN PRETTY
STRONG TERMS AGAINST ANY KIND OF
ASSISTANCE, AND FOR ONE
PARTICULAR REASON.
>> OBVIOUSLY, THERE'S
HUMANITARIAN SUFFERING ALL OVER
THIS PLANET, RIGHT? I -- I
DON'T -- I'M NOT IN FAVOR OF
GIVING MONEY THAT I'M PRETTY
CONFIDENT WILL END UP IN THE
HANDS OF THE TALIBAN.
>> WE SHOULD NOT GIVE THEM ONE
RED CENT UNTIL SUCH TIME AS WE
CAN DEMONSTRATE THAT THEY HAVE
ACTUALLY DONE WHAT THEY SAID
THEY WOULD DO, WHICH IS TO
SEG -- SEPARATE THEMSELVES FROM
TERROR.
>> John: LOOK, MIKE POMPEO AND
DEEPFAKE BLAKE SHELTON ARE
CLEARLY ASSHOLES.
ALTHOUGH, I WILL SAY, FOR EVEN
NON-ASSHOLES, IT'S NATURAL TO BE
CONCERNED ABOUT THE PROSPECT OF
U.S. AID MONEY GOING TO THE
TALIBAN.
BUT A COUPLE OF THINGS YOU
SHOULD KNOW: FOR YEARS NOW,
CHARITIES HAVE BEEN ABLE TO FIND
WAYS TO WORK WITH, THROUGH, OR
AROUND THE TALIBAN, TO HELP
ORDINARY AFGHAN CITIZENS.
THEY HAD TO DO THAT, BECAUSE
EVEN WHEN THE U.S. WAS THERE,
THE TALIBAN EFFECTIVELY STILL
CONTROLLED LARGE PARTS OF THE
COUNTRY.
AND FOR PEOPLE AT SOME OF THOSE
GROUPS, LIKE THE AFGHANISTAN
DIRECTOR AT THE INTERNATIONAL
RESCUE COMMITTEE, THE FACT
THEY'RE FINANCIALLY CONSTRAINED
FROM HELPING PEOPLE NOW IS
PRETTY FRUSTRATING.
>> I THINK A LOT OF PEOPLE WILL
SAY, "WELL, I DON'T -- WE DON'T
WANT TO SEE AID GO TO
AFGHANISTAN BECAUSE WE DON'T
WANT TO GIVE MONEY TO THE
TALIBAN.
THAT'S AN EXTREMIST GROUP.
>> SO, YOU WANT TO MAKE
38 MILLION PEOPLE SUFFER BECAUSE
OF A FEW THOUSAND?
THAT MATH DOESN'T WORK FOR ME.
>> John: RIGHT.
THAT MATH DOESN'T WORK FOR ME
EITHER.
AND THAT'S SAYING SOMETHING,
BECAUSE LOOK AT ME: I LOOK LIKE
MATH IN HUMAN FORM.
I LOOK LIKE A POKEMON WHOSE
FINAL EVOLUTION IS A GRAPHING
CALCULATOR.
I LOOK LIKE AN ALGEBRA TEXTBOOK
LEFT ME ON THE DOORSTEP OF AN
ORPHANAGE AS A BABY.
I LOOK LIKE WHAT MATT DAMON'S
CHARACTER IN "GOOD WILL HUNTING"
SHOULD HAVE LOOKED LIKE.
SO, WHEN I SAY THAT MATH DOESN'T
WORK, YOU BETTER BELIEVE ME.
SO, THERE'S A STRONG CASE TO BE
MADE FOR FINDING WAYS TO GET
HUMANITARIAN AID TO AFGHANISTAN.
BUT THAT'S NOT ALL IT NEEDS.
IN THE LONG TERM, NO AMOUNT OF
EMERGENCY RELIEF CAN STAND IN
FOR HEALTHCARE, AN EDUCATION
SYSTEM, OR A FUNCTIONING
ECONOMY.
AS ONE REPORT SAID: HUMANITARIAN
EFFORTS ARE BANDAGES, NOT CURES.
YOU CAN'T JUST KEEP APPLYING
THEM FOREVER.
AND RIGHT NOW, THERE ARE
WORRYING SIGNS OF "DONOR
FATIGUE," WITH CONTRIBUTIONS
FROM THE INTERNATIONAL COMMUNITY
DRYING UP, EVEN AS NEARLY TWENTY
MILLION PEOPLE, ALMOST HALF
AFGHANISTAN'S POPULATION, ARE
EXPERIENCING HIGH AND CRITICAL
LEVELS OF FOOD INSECURITY.
SO, A MORE SUSTAINABLE WAY TO
HELP THEM IS THROUGH DEVELOPMENT
AID -- BUILDING LONG-TERM
SOLUTIONS, LIKE INVESTING IN
HEALTH CARE AND EDUCATION
SALARIES, OR HELPING BUILD
INFRASTRUCTURE THROUGH
INVESTMENTS IN IRRIGATION AND
WATER MANAGEMENT IN AREAS
AFFECTED BY THE DROUGHT.
BUT THE TRICKY THING WITH THAT
IS, THAT REALLY DOES REQUIRE
SOME FORM OF ENGAGEMENT WITH THE
TALIBAN.
NOW, THERE ARE MECHANISMS TO TRY
AND ENSURE THEY DON'T END UP
BENEFITTING FINANCIALLY, BUT
ADMITTEDLY, NONE OF THEM ARE
PERFECT.
AND THE IDEA OF THE TALIBAN
GETTING "ONE RED CENT" IS
OBVIOUSLY HARD TO SWALLOW.
ESPECIALLY BECAUSE, DESPITE THE
TALIBAN'S NEW OUTWARD-FACING
"LIVE LAUGH LOVE" VIBE --
THEY'VE CONTINUED TO REMIND US
HOW TERRIBLE THEY ARE, NOT ONLY
WITH THEIR HEINOUS TREATMENT OF
WOMEN, BUT ALSO WITH LAST WEEK'S
CONFIRMATION THAT THEY WERE
HARBORING THE LEADER OF AL QAEDA
IN A SAFE HOUSE.
BUT WITHHOLDING ALL FORMS OF AID
UNTIL THE TALIBAN EITHER GIVE
IN, OR COLLAPSE, JUST ISN'T A
VIABLE STRATEGY.
BECAUSE FOR ONE THING, WHO KNOWS
HOW LONG THAT WILL TAKE, IF
EVER?
AND FOR ANOTHER, WHILE YOU'RE
WAITING, POTENTIALLY MILLIONS
WILL STARVE.
JUST LISTEN TO THAT MIDWIFE FROM
EARLIER -- NO FAN OF THE
TALIBAN -- EXPLAIN WHAT SHE
THINKS OF THAT LOGIC.
>> YOUR SANCTIONS ON THE TALIBAN
WILL KILL US FASTER THAN THE
VIOLATION OF OUR RIGHTS BY THE
TALIBAN.
A GIRL DIES FROM HUNGER AND A
MOTHER EITHER SELLS HER DAUGHTER
BECAUSE OF HUNGER OR FROM
PRESSURE TO MARRY HER BY FORCE.
THE ISSUE OF THEIR EDUCATION AND
LITERACY IS MEANINGLESS WHEN
YOU'RE DYING FROM HUNGER.
>> John: YEAH, SHE'S RIGHT.
THERE'S NO TWO WAYS AROUND IT:
THIS IS A CRISIS AT THE MOST
FUNDAMENTAL LEVEL.
AND THANKFULLY, THERE'VE BEEN
SOME SMALL STEPS IN THE RIGHT
DIRECTION RECENTLY.
THE U.S. IS WORKING ON A
PROPOSAL TO RELEASE SOME OF THE
BILLIONS OF DOLLARS OF FROZEN
MONEY INTO A TRUST FUND THAT THE
TALIBAN THEMSELVES CAN'T ACCESS,
WHICH COULD HELP INJECT SOME
CASH AND STABILITY INTO THE
COUNTRY'S FINANCIAL SYSTEM, IF
IT HAPPENS.
ALSO, THE U.N. AND THE WORLD
BANK BOTH HAVE INITIATIVES IN
THE WORKS TO TRY TO BRIDGE THE
GAP BETWEEN EMERGENCY
HUMANITARIAN ASSISTANCE AND
LONGER-TERM DEVELOPMENT AID, AS
LONG AS THEY'RE ABLE TO GET
ADEQUATE FUNDING.
AND FOR THE FINAL TIME: I DO GET
THE BROAD WORRIES ABOUT HOW
SENDING MONEY TO AFGHANISTAN
MIGHT INADVERTENTLY HELP THE
TALIBAN.
BUT I'D ARGUE, THE KEY QUESTION
HERE ISN'T JUST, "WHAT HAPPENS
IF WE SEND AFGHANISTAN MONEY AND
AID?"
IT'S "WHAT HAPPENS IF WE
DON'T?"
AND WE KNOW THE ANSWER: MILLIONS
OF INNOCENT AFGHANS WILL SUFFER
AND DIE, UNDER A GOVERNMENT THEY
DID NOT CHOOSE.
THE REALITY IS, THERE IS NO ONE
SIMPLE SOLUTION HERE THAT IS
WITHOUT RISKS.
BUT 38 MILLION PEOPLE'S LIVES
ARE AT STAKE, AND DOING NOTHING
WOULD BE YET ANOTHER COLOSSAL --
IF I MAY BORROW A MILITARY
INTELLIGENCE TERM HERE -- SWING
AND A MISS.
AND NOW, THIS.
ARMED ROBBERY SUSPECT WITH THE
HELP OF SOME DOO.
IT'S BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT
KATHLEEN TASTE LIKE?
IF NOT, YOU PROBABLY WEREN'T
POOR IN THE 70s THE 70s.
THE SPEAKER IS HENRY A REAL
THING?
>> SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER
DEAD.
>> THE NEXT ROACH MOTEL COULD BE
YOUR HOUSE.
>> FLORIDA, THERE'S AN ICE CREAM
PROBLEM.
>> HE'S A 49-YEAR-OLD SNAKE
COLLECTOR.
OR, HE WAS.
>> IN YOUR BODY HAS GIVEN UP,
TAKING ITS LAST BREATH, WHAT YOU
WANT YOUR LOVED ONES TO DO WITH
THAT?
THINKING, DUMP IT IN A WHOLE IN
THE YARD OF MY CHILDHOOD HOME IN
MISSISSIPPI AND DISCOVERED UP
WITH DIRT.
THAT'S ILLEGAL.
>> John: MOVING ON.
FINALLY, TONIGHT, I WANT TO TALK
ABOUT ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE,
OR A.I.
IT'S A TECHNOLOGY WHICH, DESPITE
POSING A CLEAR EXISTENTIAL
THREAT TO HUMANITY, WE CURRENTLY
MANAGE TO KEEP UNDER OUR CONTROL
USING PICTURES OF TRAFFIC
LIGHTS.
BUT MAKE NO MISTAKE: ONCE THE
MACHINES LEARN HOW TO RECOGNIZE
THEM, WE ARE ALL FUCKED.
I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT A.I.
BECAUSE THERE'S A NEW POPULAR
TREND YOU MAY HAVE HEARD ABOUT.
>> IT SEEMS LIKE EVERYONE IS
TALKING ABOUT THESE WEBSITES
THAT USE ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE
TO GENERATE IMAGES.
IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF A TOOL NAMED
DALL-E, WHICH COMES FROM A
STARTUP NAMED OPENAI.
YOU TYPE IN A DESCRIPTION OF
SOMETHING YOU WANT TO SEE, AND A
COMPUTER CREATES REALISTIC
IMAGES TO MATCH.
THE FUN PART IS YOU CAN BE
REALLY ELABORATE WITH YOUR
DESCRIPTIONS.
THE SYSTEM WAS TRAINED WITH 650
MILLION PICTURES AND THE RESULTS
ARE SOME OF THE BEST WE'VE SEEN
FROM COMPUTERS YET.
>> John: YES, A.I. IMAGE
GENERATORS.
THERE ARE A NUMBER OF THEM OUT
THERE NOW, LIKE DALL-E, CRAIYON,
AND MIDJOURNEY.
AND WITH EACH ONE, YOU SIMPLY
TYPE IN A TEXT PROMPT AND IT'LL
CREATE IMAGES FOR YOU IN AROUND
A MINUTE.
SO, FOR INSTANCE, YOU MIGHT TYPE
IN, "ROAST BEEF SUPERHERO."
NOW, WHAT DOES THAT LOOK LIKE?
IS IT A SUPERHERO MADE OF ROAST
BEEF?
IS IT A SUPERHERO THAT "SAVES"
ROAST BEEF?
IS IT BOTH?
I HAVE NO IDEA.
BUT HERE'S WHAT MIDJOURNEY'S
A.I. CREATED BASED ON THAT
PHRASE.
AND I HAVE TO SAY: WELL PLAYED,
ROBOT!
THERE'S THE FANTASTIC ROAST BEEF
SUPERHERO LOGO, THE
MILD-MANNERED ROAST BEEF HERO
WITH LEGS FOR ARMS AND NO LOWER
BODY, THE HEADLESS ROAST BEEF
HERO HOLDING A ROAST BEEF CANE
OF JUSTICE, AND THE HELMET
WEARING AMERICA SHAPED CUT OF
ROAST BEEF THAT APPEARS TO HAVE
SHIT ON THE FLOOR.
ALL FOUR OF THOSE IMAGES ARE NOW
MY FAVORITE ROAST BEEF
SUPERHEROES.
MARVEL, IF YOU'RE WATCHING:
THERE'S PHASE FIVE OF THE MCU
RIGHT THERE.
IT'S GENUINELY FASCINATING, NOT
JUST TO SEE IMAGES COME TO LIFE
IN SECONDS, BUT ALSO TO SEE HOW
A.I. INTERPRETS THESE PROMPTS.
POKING AROUND ON MIDJOURNEY'S
DISCORD, YOU'LL DISCOVER THINGS
LIKE THIS DELIGHTFUL FROG
BUMBLEBEE, OR "JUDI DENCH
FIGHTING A CENTAUR ON THE MOON,"
OR WHAT THE PROGRAM DECIDED TO
DO WHEN FED THE TWO-WORD PROMPT,
"GOOSE PILATES."
WHICH IS, I THINK WE CAN ALL
AGREE: EXCELLENT.
YOU CAN KILL AN AFTERNOON
SEARCHING TO SEE WHAT IMAGES
OTHERS HAVE REQUESTED.
WHICH IS WHAT ONE MEMBER OF OUR
STAFF, JULIA, WAS DOING WHEN SHE
MADE A FATEFUL DECISION.
BECAUSE SHE STARTED PUTTING IN
THE NAMES OF VARIOUS LATE-NIGHT
HOSTS, LIKE JAMES CORDEN, WHICH
BROUGHT BACK EIGHT SEARCH
RESULTS, INCLUDING "JAMES CORDEN
FLYS A PLANE" AND "TRAIL CAM
FOOTAGE OF JAMES CORDEN EATING
TEETH."
AND I KNOW IT CAN BE HARD TO SEE
HIM DO THAT, BUT THERE'S ONE
WHERE HE EATS TEETH WITH PAUL
MCCARTNEY AND IT'S ACTUALLY
VERY MOVING.
INTERESTINGLY, FOR MOST HOSTS,
THERE WEREN'T A TON OF RESULTS.
THERE WERE FOURTEEN FOR CONAN
O'BRIEN, EIGHT FOR COLBERT,
THREE APIECE FOR TREVOR NOAH AND
JIMMY KIMMEL.
BUT HERE'S WHERE THINGS GOT A
LITTLE WEIRD.
BECAUSE THEN SHE PUT IN MY NAME.
AND WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW HOW
MANY RESULTS CAME BACK?
IT'S FOUR HUNDRED AND
NINETY-THREE.
>> ON ONE LEVEL, I GET IT.
I DO HAVE A FACE THAT'S
ALREADY BASICALLY A BOARDWALK
CARICATURE.
I'VE GOT WHAT CARNIVAL ARTISTS
REFER TO AS "A REAL SOFTBALL"
BUT NEARLY FIVE HUNDRED RESULTS
IS A LOT.
AND IT'S NOT JUST THE VOLUME --
IT'S THE SPECIFICITY OF THE
PROMPTS.
THERE'S "JOHN OLIVER IN
VICTORIAN ERA DRESS,"
"JOHN OLIVER BUSTING OUT OF A
CAN OF DEL MONTE GREEN BEANS,"
"JOHN OLIVER AS AN AMOEBA VIEWED
THROUGH A MICROSCOPE," AND
"JOHN OLIVER COMMANDING A HORDE
OF ELVES TO CHARGE A POTATO."
ALL OF THESE DESERVE TO BE IN
THE LOUVRE, AND AT LEAST ONE OF
THEM DEPICTS AN ACTUAL NIGHTMARE
I'VE HAD.
BUT THERE'S ONE MIDJOURNEY USER
WHO'S GONE ABOVE AND BEYOND -- A
USER BY THE NAME OF
POST-POOP-ZOOMIES.
AND I WON'T PRETEND I LOVED
SAYING THOSE WORDS, BUT I THINK
YOU'LL AGREE THAT THEIR A.I.
CREATIONS ARE SIMPLY
MIND-BLOWING.
FOR INSTANCE, THERE'S
"JOHN OLIVER AS MONA LISA" --
WHICH IS STRIKING, THOUGH I
BELIEVE MAY BE ENOUGH TO BE
PROSECUTED AS A FELONY IN ITALY.
THEN THERE'S "JOHN OLIVER IS A
PERFECT EGG," AND "JOHN OLIVER
IS AN EGG WITH A BAD ATTITUDE SO
DON'T MESS WITH HIM OR HE WILL
DO TO YOU WHAT HE DID TO HUMPTY
DUMPTY."
THAT'S JUST ONE OF MANY IMAGES
WHERE POST-POOP-ZOOMIES
SEEMINGLY TRIED TO TELL A WHOLE
STORY -- THERE'S ALSO
"JOHN OLIVER AT BRUNCH WITH THE
GIRLS, AND HE'S LAUGHING BECAUSE
DEBBIE TOLD A FUNNY JOKE," WHICH
IS REMARKABLE, BECAUSE THAT'S
EXACTLY WHAT I LOOK LIKE WHEN
DEBBIE DOES THAT!
OR HOW ABOUT "JOHN OLIVER AS A
COWBOY WITH A COWBOY HAT SO
LARGE NOBODY HAS ANY RESPECT FOR
HIM."
WHICH IS AMAZING.
I COULDN'T TELL YOU WHAT SIZE A
COWBOY HAT HAS TO BE TO
INSTANTLY DISSOLVE RESPECT, BUT
THAT COMPUTER WAS ABLE TO
CALCULATE THE DIMENSIONS
PERFECTLY.
>> AND HONESTLY, BRAVO TO YOU,
POST-POOP-ZOOMIES.
I DID HAVE SOME QUESTIONS ABOUT
YOUR PROCESS, UNTIL I FOUND THIS
POST FROM YOU, WHICH READ
SIMPLY, "I GOT HIGH AND BLASTED
A MILLION JOHN OLIVERS."
WHICH DEFINITELY TRACKS!
BUT THE TRUE MASTERPIECE ON
MIDJOURNEY IS A LONG SERIES OF
IMAGES I LIKE TO THINK OF AS
"THE CABBAGE SAGA," CREATED BY
POST-POOP-ZOOMIES AND ANOTHER
ACCOUNT, MARGARET.
THE STORY STARTS AS ALL GOOD
STORIES DO -- HUMBLY, WITH THE
IMAGE OF, "JOHN OLIVER IS VERY
CONFUSED IN A CABBAGE FIELD."
FROM THERE, WE MOVE TO
"JOHN OLIVER, GROWING CABBAGES
IN HIS APARTMENT."
A HOBBY THAT EVIDENTLY TAKES OFF
FOR ME, GIVEN THAT WE THEN SEE
"JOHN OLIVER GIVES A TED TALK ON
PROPER CABBAGE GROWTH
TECHNIQUES."
WHICH TO BE FAIR IS STILL BETTER
THAN THIS REAL TED TALK CALLED
"HOW TO TIE YOUR SHOES."
THEN THINGS START ESCALATING,
BECAUSE NEXT WE SEE "JOHN OLIVER
THROWING A CABBAGE" AND,
"JOHN OLIVER THROWING A CABBAGE
AT A CHILD" FOR SOME REASON, AND
THEN, IN A BIG PLOT TWIST:
"JOHN OLIVER HAVING DINNER WITH
A CABBAGE BECAUSE HE REALIZES
MAYBE HE JUDGED THEM TOO SOON."
THAT'S A SUBTEXT THAT COMES OUT
OF ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE BUT IT
MAKES MUCH MORE SENSE WHEN YOU
SEE "JOHN OLIVER LOOKING
LOVINGLY AT HIS CABBAGE HAVING
REALIZED THAT HE'S FALLING IN
LOVE."
FOLLOWED BY, "DOES JOHN OLIVER
LOVE THE CABBAGE?
YES, YES, HE DOES."
AND FROM THERE, IT'S ON TO,
INEVITABLY, "JOHN OLIVER AND THE
CABBAGE ARE GETTING MARRIED!"
AND INTERESTINGLY, IT'S AT THIS
POINT THAT THE A.I. FOR THE VERY
FIRST TIME, SEEMS TO STRUGGLE
WITH A PROMPT.
BECAUSE THAT SEEMS TO BE AN
IMAGE OF ME GETTING MARRIED TO
MYSELF, AND THE CABBAGE SOMEHOW
BEING THERE AS A WITNESS.
BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT THIS STORY'S
ABOUT, IS IT?
AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS
COMPUTER IS STRUGGLING TO
UNDERSTAND ABOUT THE SIMPLE
CONCEPT OF, "A MAN WANTING TO
MARRY A CABBAGE."
IT'S NOT COMPLICATED, COMPUTER.
THIS IS WHY WE'RE NOT LETTING
YOU DRIVE CARS YET.
BUT THE STORY'S STILL NOT DONE.
AND I HAVE TO WARN YOU: IT TAKES
SOMETHING OF A DARKER TURN.
BECAUSE THE NEXT THING WE SEE
IS -- AND THIS MADE ME GASP OUT
LOUD -- "OH NO!
JOHN OLIVER DREAMED ABOUT BEING
HUNGRY AND ATE THE CABBAGE IN
HIS SLEEP!"
WHICH IS ABSOLUTELY MORTIFYING,
AND UNDERSTANDABLY FOLLOWED BY,
"JOHN OLIVER CRYING INTO HALF A
CABBAGE" AND "JOHN OLIVER WILL
NEVER BE HAPPY AGAIN, HIS HEART
IS BROKEN BUT HIS STOMACH IS
FULL."
WHICH IS BOTH TRAGIC AND SOMEHOW
BEAUTIFUL.
AND, IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHAT I
DID WITH THE OTHER HALF OF THE
CABBAGE, THAT'S MADE CLEAR BY
THE FINAL PROMPT, WHICH IS
SIMPLY, "JOHN OLIVER POURING
CABBAGE ASHES INTO THE OCEAN"
AND WHAT A JOURNEY WE ALL JUST
WENT ON.
THIS STORY IS A TRUE TESTAMENT
TO LIFE'S HIGHS AND LOWS,
SHOWING HOW POETIC, LOVELY, AND.
WEIRDLY FULL OF CABBAGE LIFE CAN
BE.
THERE'S REALLY ONLY ONE THING
THAT BOTHERS ME ABOUT ALL OF
THIS.
AND THAT'S THAT WEDDING IMAGE.
BECAUSE TAKE A CLOSER LOOK AT
IT RIGHT NOW.
THE A.I. PROGRAM NAILED ALL ITS
OTHER ASSIGNMENTS, BUT THIS
IMAGE -- THE KEY IMAGE IN THAT
WHOLE STORY, AND THE PIVOT POINT
TO THE TRAGEDY THAT FOLLOWS --
WAS SOMEHOW BEYOND ITS
CAPABILITIES.
WHICH SEEMS LIKE SUCH A SHAME.
THIS STORY DESERVED BETTER.
POST-POOP-ZOOMIES DESERVED
BETTER, AS DID MARGARET.
WE ALL DESERVE BETTER.
AND THAT'S WHEN IT HIT ME:
THERE'S REALLY ONLY ONE WAY TO
REMEDY THE FACT WE WERE CHEATED
OUT OF THAT KEY WEDDING IMAGE,
AND THAT'S FOR ME TO PROVIDE IT
FOR YOU NOW.
BUT NOT THROUGH GRAPHICS.
THAT WOULD BE FAR TOO EASY.
I'M THINKING MORE OF A FULL,
VIBRANT TABLEAU THAT BRINGS IT
ALL HOME.
SO PLEASE, COME WITH ME.
BECAUSE I'M ABOUT TO MARRY A
FUCKING CABBAGE.
>> Officiant: JOHN, DO YOU TAKE
THIS CABBAGE TO BE YOUR LAWFULLY
WEDDED SPOUSE, TO HAVE AND TO
HOLD FROM THIS DAY FORWARD, IN
SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH, UNTIL
DEATH DO YOU PART?
>> John: I DO.
>> Officiant: AND DO YOU PROMISE
NOT TO EAT IT IN YOUR SLEEP?
>> John: I'LL TRY MY BEST, BUT I
THINK YOU KNOW THE ANSWER TO
THAT.
>> Officiant: BY THE POWERS
VESTED IN ME, I NOW PRONOUNCE
YOU MAN AND CABBAGE.
YOU MAY KISS THE CABBAGE.