♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> John: WELCOME, WELCOME,
WELCOME TO
TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT"!
I'M JOHN OLIVER.
THANKS SO MUCH FOR JOINING US.
IT'S BEEN A BUSY WEEK.
JOE BIDEN SIGNED THE
INFLATION REDUCTION ACT,
THE C-D-C ANNOUNCED A MAJOR
REOGANIZATION, AND THE FALLOUT
FROM THE FBI SEARCH AT MAR A
LAGO CONTINUED, WITH TRUMP'S
ASSOCIATES SPINNING INCREASINGLY
OUTLANDISH RATIONALIZATIONS FOR
WHY IT WAS OKAY FOR HIM TO KEEP
SENSITIVE DOCUMENTS THERE,
INCLUDING THIS ONE.
>> REALLY, IF YOU LOOK AT THE
ESPIONAGE ACT, IT'S NOT REALLY
ABOUT TAKING THE DOCUMENTS, IT'S
ABOUT DESTROYING THEM, OR HIDING
THEM, OR GIVING THEM TO THE
ENEMY.
IT'S NOT ABOUT TAKING THEM AND
PUTTING THEM IN A PLACE THAT'S
ROUGHLY AS SAFE AS THEY WERE IN
IN THE FIRST PLACE.
>> John: LOOK, PUTTING ASIDE
RUDY WALKING RIGHT UP TO THE
LINE OF PLEADING GUILTY ON
TRUMP'S BEHALF -- IF YOU'RE
COMPARING THE SECURITY OF TWO
PLACES, THE TWO WORST EXAMPLES
WOULD BE THE WHITE HOUSE AND THE
FLORIDA RESORT WHERE A FAILED
BACHELORETTE CONTESTANT ACTUALLY
CLAIMED ON INSTAGRAM,
"I SNOOPED AROUND PRETTY DANG
FREELY AND THE SECRET SECURITY
WASN'T TOO WORRIED ABOUT WHICH
ROOM I WENT IN."
AND IT'S NOT EXACTLY A SECURE
STORAGE FACILITY IF
YOUTH PASTOR RYAN REYNOLDS HERE
CAN JUST WANDER AROUND.
BUT WE'RE GOING TO START WITH
THE MIDTERM ELECTIONS.
MORE PRIMARIES TOOK PLACE THIS
WEEK.
IN WYOMING, REPUBLICANS
OVERWHELMINGLY VOTED OUT
LIZ CHENEY, DESPITE HER FATHER'S
LAST-MINUTE EMPEROR
PALPATINE-LIKE ENDORSEMENT.
AND IN ALASKA, A LOT'S BEEN
HAPPENING.
THEY HAVE OPEN PRIMARIES, WHERE
THE TOP FOUR FINISHERS,
REGARDLESS OF PARTY, GO ON TO
THE GENERAL ELECTION.
SO, ON THE SENATE SIDE, THERE'LL
BE AT LEAST TWO REPUBLICANS ON
THE BALLOT THIS FALL: SITTING
SENATOR LISA MURKOWSKI, AND THE
MORE EXTREME KELLY TSHIBAKA, WHO
NOT ONLY QUESTIONS THE 2020
ELECTION RESULTS, BUT ALSO, PUTS
OUT ALLITERATION-HEAVY ADS LIKE
THIS.
>> TOGETHER, I'M CONFIDENT THAT
WE CAN BLOCK JOE BIDEN'S
BUSINESS-BUSTING,
CRIME-CASCADING,
DEFENSE-DECIMATING,
ENERGY-ANNIHILATING,
FREEDOM-FLATTENING,
GUN-GRABBING,
MANDATE-MILITATING,
PARENT-PUNISHING,
POLICE-PERSECUTING,
SOCIALIST-SYMPATHIZING,
AMERICA-OBLITERATING AGENDA.
>> John: OKAY, I HAVE A MILLION
PROBLEMS WITH THAT.
FIRST: "CRIME CASCADING" DOESN'T
WORK.
CASCADING DOESN'T REALLY TAKE A
DIRECT OBJECT LIKE THAT.
NEXT: "ENERGY" AND
"ANNIHILATING" DON'T START WITH
THE SAME LETTER.
WHICH IS WEIRD, BECAUSE THERE
ARE TONS OF OTHER OPTIONS FOR
"E" -- "EXTINGUISHING",
"EXTERMINATING", EVEN JUST A
SIMPLE "ENDING" IF YOU'RE
FEELING LAZY.
THEN THERE'S
"MANDATE MILITATING", WHICH
MAKES NO SENSE AND I'M NOT EVEN
GOING TO TRY AND EXPLAIN IT.
AND OF COURSE THE GRAND FINALE
OF "AMERICA OBLITERATING
AGENDA"?
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING
GOING "A" TO "O" TO "A" THERE?
YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE A GREAT
REPLACEMENT FOR "OBLITERATING"
IN THIS SITUATION?
"ANNIHILATING."
BUT IT'S TOO LATE, BECAUSE YOU
BLEW THAT ONE RIGHT AT THE
START.
OTHER THAN THAT, NO NOTES.
[APPLAUSE]
ALASKANS ALSO VOTED IN A SPECIAL
ELECTION THIS WEEK, TO FILL A
VACANT HOUSE SEAT, AND FOR
"THAT" ONE, THEY GOT TO USE
RANKED-CHOICE VOTING FOR THE
FIRST TIME, WHICH THEIR LOCAL
NEWS EXPLAINED IN THE MOST
ALASKAN WAY POSSIBLE:
>> IMAGINE ELK, POLAR BEAR,
PENGUIN, AND OWL ARE RUNNING FOR
OFFICE.
YOU PREFER ELK, AND YOU'RE
DEFINITELY ANTI-PENGUIN.
SO MAYBE YOU'LL FILL OUT YOUR
BALLOT LIKE THIS: ELK, POLAR
BEAR, OWL, AND PENGUIN.
YOU COULD ALSO CHOOSE TO ONLY
PARTIALLY FILL OUT THE BALLOT,
AND JUST LEAVE OFF PENGUIN
ENTIRELY.
>> John: EXCELLENT.
I LOVE SO MUCH THERE, FROM THE
FACT THAT HOST DIDN'T FEEL THE
NEED TO TAKE HIS
FESTIVELY-WRAPPED CELL PHONE OUT
OF HIS BREAST POCKET, TO THE
OFFENSIVELY ALASKAN CHOICE OF
CANDIDATES.
IT'S THE EQUIVALENT OF NEW
JERSEY EXPLAINING RANKED CHOICE
VOTING USING BON JOVI,
TONY SOPRANO, A DEER THAT'S
NEVER EATEN FOOD INTENDED FOR
DEER, AND MELANOMA.
ALSO, GOOD CALL LOSING PENGUIN,
WHICH, OF COURSE, DON'T EVEN
HAVE THE DECENCY TO LIVE IN THE
STATE.
BUT I GUESS IT JUST GOES TO
SHOW, EVEN WHEN THEY'RE MADE UP
OF FICTIONAL ANIMALS, EVERY
ELECTION HAS TO HAVE ITS DR. OZ.
NOW, THE REASON ALASKANS NEED TO
FILL THAT HOUSE SEAT IS THAT
DON YOUNG, WHO SERVED SINCE
1973, DIED EARLIER THIS YEAR.
AND IF YOU'RE NOT AWARE OF
DON YOUNG, HE WAS A "LOT".
JOHN BOEHNER ONCE CLAIMED THAT
YOUNG PINNED HIM AGAINST A WALL
IN THE HOUSE AND HELD A TEN-INCH
KNIFE TO HIS THROAT.
BUT HE ALSO HAD LESS LIKEABLE
MOMENTS, LIKE CALLING THE
BP OIL SPILL NOT AN
ENVIRONMENTAL DISASTER BUT
"A NATURAL PHENOMENA",
REFERRING TO LATINOS USING A
RACIAL SLUR, AND BEHAVING LIKE
THIS DURING A DISCUSSION OF
NAMING A POST OFFICE AFTER A
MARINE WHO WAS KILLED IN
AFGHANISTAN.
JUST WATCH THE LEFT-HAND SIDE OF
YOUR SCREEN.
>> STAFF SERGEANT DeAUGUSTINE
WAS KILLED ON MARCH 27, 2012, IN
HELMAND PROVINCE, AFGHANISTAN, A
FIERCE BATTLEGROUND WHERE OVER
19,000 MARINES WERE DEPLOYED.
>> John: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SOMBER
MOMENT!
HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF SOMEONE
DISRESPECTED YOUR MEMORY LIKE
THAT?
WATCH.
>> DON YOUNG, THE SO-CALLED DEAN
OF THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES,
HAS PASSED AWAY AT THE AGE OF
88.
>> John: YEAH, SEE?
DOESN'T FEEL GOOD, DOES IT, DON?
YOU'RE SO LUCKY YOU'RE DEAD
RIGHT NOW!
AND THEN THERE WAS YOUNG'S
CONGRESSIONAL OFFICE DECORATION
CHOICES, WHICH WERE STRIKING,
AND ALWAYS HAD THE CAPACITY TO
SURPRISE.
>> THAT'S A HECK OF A GAVEL.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS, DON'T
YOU?
>> UHHH, YEAH.
>> YOU DO, HUH?
WHAT IS IT?
I DUNNO.
>> IT'S A WALRUS'S PENIS.
>> John: YEAH.
THE QUESTION "WHAT IS IT" COULD
REALLY ONLY BE ANSWERED WITH "I
DUNNO" THERE.
THE BIGGEST RED FLAG POSSIBLE
WOULD BE FOR SOMEONE TO SAY,
"HUNDRED PERCENT, NO DOUBT ABOUT
IT, I COULD TELL YOU
BLINDFOLDED: THAT'S A WALRUS
DICK."
ALSO, I'M NOT SURE WHERE DON
YOUNG GOT THAT GAVEL, BUT I'M
JUST GOING TO ASSUME HE USED TO
HOST A PATERNITY COURT REALITY
SHOW FOR WALRUSES.
SO CLEARLY, DON YOUNG IS LEAVING
SOME BIG, WEIRD SHOES TO FILL,
AND THERE'S ALREADY A NAME-BRAND
CONTENDER TO FILL THEM.
AND DEEP DOWN, YOU ALREADY KNOW
WHO IT IS, RIGHT?
ALASKA NEEDS A POLITICIAN?
YOU KNOW WHAT'S COMING.
>> IF I WERE ASKED TO SERVE IN
THE HOUSE AND TAKE HIS PLACE, I
WOULD BE HUMBLED AND HONORED AND
I WOULD.
YEAH, IN A HEARTBEAT, I WOULD.
>> John: YEP!
SARAH FUCKING PALIN'S BACK, AND
IT'S LIKE IT'S 2008 ALL OVER
AGAIN!
SHE'S RUNNING FOR OFFICE, THE
U-S ENTERED A BEAR MARKET, AND
SEX AND THE CITY IS MAKING
SPIN-OFFS IT, QUITE FRANKLY,
DOESN'T HAVE THE MATERIAL TO
BACK UP.
SOCIETY IS GOING BACKWARDS.
UNSURPRISINGLY, PALIN'S PLATFORM
IS FULL OF CULTURE WAR BULLSHIT.
SHE'S SAID WE "CAN'T GIVE UP" ON
BENGHAZI AND HILLARY'S MISSING
EMAILS, AND HAS VOWED TO FIGHT
GUN CONTROL AND ABORTION RIGHTS.
BUT SOME ALASKANS WORRY SHE'S
ONLY RUNNING FOR THE FAME.
LOCAL PRESS HAS SAID SHE'S BEEN
NOTABLY DIFFICULT FOR ALASKANS
TO TRACK DOWN, AND POINTED OUT
SHE'S TURNED DOWN CANDIDATE
FORUMS, INCLUDING ONE HOSTED BY
THE ANCHORAGE REPUBLICAN WOMEN.
SOMETHING THEY HANDLED WITH
SUBLIME PASSIVE-AGGRESSION BY
LEAVING AN EMPTY CHAIR FOR HER
WITH HER NAME ON IT
AND THE WORD, "NO".
[LAUGHTER]
AND I KNOW CHAIRS DON'T HAVE
AGENCY, OR ACCESS TO A PRINTER,
BUT IT DOES LOOK LIKE SOMEONE
TAPED THE NAME "PALIN" TO A
CHAIR, AND NOW THE CHAIR ITSELF
IS PROTESTING IT.
ONE CONSERVATIVE PUBLISHER IN
ALASKA EVEN SAID, "SARAH KNOWS
HOW TO WORK A CROWD, BUT IT'S
SARAH, INC."
WHICH HONESTLY SOUNDS LIKE THE
TITLE OF A SITCOM STARRING KAT
DENNINGS THAT'S ALREADY QUIETLY
DISAPPEARED FROM HBO MAX.
HBO MAX: IT'S NOT TV.
IT'S A SERIES OF TAX WRITEOFFS
TO APPEASE WALL STREET.
LOOK, PALIN HAS ALWAYS BEEN A
GRIFTER.
AND IF THERE WAS ANY DOUBT ABOUT
WHAT SHE REALLY CARES ABOUT,
CHECK OUT THIS CHAOTICALLY SHOT
AND EDITED VIDEO FROM HER
INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT IN MAY, WHERE
SHE SPOUTS A STREAM OF CAMPAIGN
PLATITUDES, THEN MAKES CLEAR
WHAT SHE'S REALLY UP TO.
>> I'M STANDING HERE GETTING
READY FOR A RIDE BACK TO MY HOME
WITH OTHER CANDIDATES RUNNING
FOR THE UNITED STATES CONGRESS
TO REALLY MAKE THINGS RIGHT.
THINGS ARE GOING ON IN OUR
WORLD, IN OUR COUNTRY, AND WE'RE
GONNA TAKE IT BACK.
YAHOOS RUNNING OUR COUNTRY RIGHT
NOW.
WHOO, YEAH.
THEY NEED TO REPLACED.
SO, JOHN.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU.
AND KNOW THAT THOSE AROUND YOU
WHO LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND SPEAK
SO HIGHLY OF YOU-ESPECIALLY
JUSTIN-BUT OTHERS, THEY TOO
WISHING YOU HAPPY, HAPPY
BIRTHDAY.
>> John: YEAH, IT SEEMS TO BE
AN AD FOR BOTH HER CAMPAIGN, AND
HER CAMEO, WITH THE CAPTION EVEN
READING, "DON'T FORGET FATHER'S
DAY CAMEO ORDERS FOR YOUR LOVED
ONES".
WHICH IS A SPECTACULAR RACKET,
SINCE SHE'S ESSENTIALLY SAYING
"DON'T FORGET TO PAY ME TO
BRAINWASH YOUR DAD!"
ALSO, FUN FACT: THE JOHN IN
QUESTION?
THAT WAS ME.
MY BUDDY JUSTIN -- HE LOVES ME
AND SPEAKS VERY HIGHLY OF ME --
GOT IT FOR ME, AND IT WAS THE
BEST GIFT I'VE EVER RECEIVED.
BUT BEING SARAH PALIN IS GOOD
BUSINESS -- ON HER FINANCIAL
DISCLOSURES, SHE REVEALED THAT
LAST YEAR, SHE MADE OVER TWO
HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS FROM
CAMEO.
WHICH SHE DID BY CHARGING $199
PER VIDEO.
AND THAT'S JUST TOO MUCH TO PAY
FOR AN INCOHERENT MESSAGE FROM A
PARKING LOT.
ESPECIALLY WHEN, FOR JUST $75,
YOU CAN GET A MESSAGE FROM
CARSON KRESSLEY, WHO'LL TELL YOU
YOU LOOK GREAT.
LOOK.
>> HEY, JOHN, CARSON KRESSLEY
HERE!
YOU LOOK GREAT!
HAVE YOU BEEN MOISTURIZING?
THAT'LL BE $75, PLEASE.
>> John: THANK YOU, CARSON!
I HAVEN'T BEEN MOISTURIZING!
AND LOOK -- WILL ALASKANS FALL
FOR PALIN'S BULLSHIT?
MAYBE!
THEY'VE DONE SO IN THE PAST!
BUT I SURE HOPE THEY DON'T THIS
TIME.
BECAUSE FRANKLY, THE ONLY
CONCEIVABLE STEP DOWN FROM
DON YOUNG WOULD BE SARAH PALIN,
WHO, LIKE A WALRUS'S PENIS, IS A
FUN ALASKAN NOVELTY, AND ONE
THAT HAS ABSOLUTELY NO BUSINESS
BEING IN CONGRESS.
AND NOW, THIS.
>> AND NOW 60 SECONDS OF TUCKER
CARLSON BEING RIGHT ABOUT STUFF.
>> AMERICA IS A RACIST COUNTRY.
WHITE SUPREMACY IS OUR BIGGEST
THREAT.
REPUBLICAN SENATORS ARE
PSYCHOSIS BIGOTS AND THEY DON'T
CARE ABOUT WOMEN.
THIS IS A BAD COUNTRY RUN BY
RACISTS.
IT'S HERE HISTORY IS INHERENTLY
RACIST.
THE PHRASES ALL LIVE MATTERS
AMERICAN EXCEPTIONALISM AND THE
CELEBRATION OF COLUMBUS DAY ARE
RACIST.
THE CAPITAL WAS A WHITE
SUPREMACIST INSURRECTION.
ONLY LOSERS AND FREAK SUPPORT
DONALD TRUMP YEAR AGO I'VE
ENJOYED WHITE PRIVILEGE.
I'M A RACIST.
RACIST!
WHITE PEOPLE ARE A HOLES!
THIS IS PROPAGANDA AT WORK!
FOX NEWS IS PROPAGANDA!
THIS IS THE GREATEST KIND OF
PROPAGANDA DESIGNED TO DIVIDE
THE COUNTRY BY RACE!
TOO STUPID.
NONE OF THIS IS REAL.
IT'S ALL JUST NOISE.
ALL OF THIS IS CRAZY.
THIS IS TOTAL LUNACY.
IT'S EASY TO LAUGH AT THIS BUT
IT'S ALSO HORRIFYING.
THINK ABOUT THE BRAINWASHING
REQUIRED TO DO THIS.
THIS CHANNEL SHOULDN'T BE
ALLOWED.
[LAUGHTER]
>> John: MOVING ON.
OUR MAIN STORY TONIGHT CONCERNS
EARTH.
IT'S BASICALLY THE OSCAR ISAAC
OF PLANETS IN THAT IT SEEMS TO
BE GETTING ALARMINGLY HOTTER
EVERY YEAR.
IT'S PRETTY CLEAR THIS PLANET'S
NOT DOING GREAT.
THE LEVEL OF CARBON DIOXIDE IN
THE ATMOSPHERE IS NOW HIGHER
THAN EVER IN HUMAN HISTORY, AND
THE LATEST
U.N.-COMMMISSIONED CLIMATE
REPORT WAS CALLED
"AN ATLAS OF HUMAN SUFFERING".
WHICH, COINCIDENTALLY, IS ALSO
THE SLOGAN FOR CRAIGSLIST.
LUCKILY, THOUGH, ONE GROUP IS
HERE TO FIX IT: GIANT
CORPORATIONS.
MANY ARE NOW CLAIMING THEY'VE
HIT UPON A SOLUTION -- BECOMING
"CARBON NEUTRAL" OR "NET ZERO".
BASICALLY, RUNNING THEIR
BUSINESSES IN SUCH A WAY, THEY
DON'T INCREASE THE AMOUNT OF
CARBON IN THE ATMOSPHERE.
AS OF LAST YEAR, "ONE IN FIVE OF
THE WORLD'S TWO THOUSAND LARGEST
PUBLICLY LISTED COMPANIES HAVE
NOW COMMITTED TO A "NET-ZERO"
EMISSIONS TARGET."
WHICH SOUNDS GREAT!
YOU MAY HAVE EVEN SEEN THEM
BRAGGING ABOUT THEIR CLAIMS IN
ADS, LIKE THIS ONE FROM UNITED
AIRLINES, THIS ONE FROM APPLE,
THIS ONE FROM SHELL, AND THIS
ONE FROM AN UNEXPECTED SOURCE.
>> KIT KAT IS COMMITTING TO
BECOMING CARBON NEUTRAL BY
2025, REDUCING EMISSIONS BY 50%
THROUGH FOREST REGENERATION,
PLANTING FIVE MILLION SHADE
TREES, SUPPORTING REGENERATIVE
FARMING, AND SECURING 100%
RENEWABLE ELECTRICITY FOR OUR
FACTORIES WORLDWIDE.
AND WE'LL OFFSET ANY REMAINING
CARBON BY INVESTING IN CLIMATE
PROJECTS.
LET'S GIVE THE PLANET A BREAK.
>> John: YEAH, EVEN KIT KAT IS
GETTING INVOLVED.
WHICH IS A STRANGE SALES
TECHNIQUE.
IT'S NOT LIKE YOU DECIDE TO EAT
A KIT KAT BAR BECAUSE OF THEIR
NET ZERO TARGETS.
YOU DECIDE TO EAT ONE BECAUSE
YOU'RE AT ROCK BOTTOM AND YOU'RE
OUT OF
REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUPS.
AS FOR THE SHOVEL MADE OUT OF A
KIT KAT, THAT SEEMS LESS LIKE A
SUSTAINABLE FARMING TOOL AND
MORE LIKE WHAT YOU'D USE TO BURY
THE BODY OF THE RED M&M.
BUT THE KEY PHRASING COMES AT
THE END THERE -- THAT THEY'D
"OFFSET ANY REMAINING CARBON".
THAT'S ACTUALLY A COMMON TACTIC.
IN FACT, ONE STUDY THAT LOOKED
CLOSELY AT THE NET-ZERO PROMISES
OF DOZENS OF COMPANIES IN
HEAVILY-POLLUTING INDUSTRIES
FOUND THAT TWO-THIRDS OF THEM
ARE RELYING ON OFFSETS INSTEAD
OF EMISSIONS REDUCTIONS.
OFFSETS ARE WILDLY POPULAR --
EVEN BANDS HAVE PROMISED OVER
THE YEARS TO USE THEM TO REDUCE
THE ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT OF
THEIR TOURS.
ALL THE GREATS -- DAVE MATTHEWS,
BON JOVI, COLDPLAY, AND EVEN
SERGEANT PEPPER'S ANGSTY
VICTORIAN GHOST CLUB BAND:
MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE.
>> A BIG TOUR LIKE THIS USES
LOTS OF ENERGY: TRUCKS, VANS,
LIGHTS, SOUND, AND MORE, AND
THAT HAS AN IMPACT ON THE
ENVIRONMENT.
SO WE'VE PARTNERED UP WITH A
REALLY COOL NON-PROFIT
ORGANIZATION CALLED REVERB TO
HELP US GREEN THINGS UP.
>> ONE OF THE THINGS THAT THEY
DO IS FIGURE OUT HOW MUCH ENERGY
THE TOUR USES.
THEN THEY INVEST IN ALTERNATIVE
ENERGY PROJECTS TO HELP MAKE UP
FOR IT.
>> John: COOL.
THANKS GUYS.
AND I ADMIT IT'S NICE TO SEE
THEM REPRESENT THEIR CORE FAN
BASE:
MIDDLE SCHOOLERS WHO HAVE TO
GIVE A PRESENTATION IN FRONT OF
THE CLASS AGAINST THEIR WILL.
BUT I DON'T PARTICULARLY CARE
FOR THE PHRASE "GREEN THINGS
UP".
IT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING SHREK
WOULD SAY RIGHT BEFORE HE
REACHES A SEXUAL CLIMAX.
"LOOK OUT, I'M ABOUT TO GREEN
THINGS UP!
WATCH ME, DONKEH!"
AND YET, IF THE IDEA THAT YOU
CAN SIMPLY INVEST A LITTLE MONEY
AND MAKE YOUR CARBON FOOTPRINT
DISAPPEAR SOUNDS TOO GOOD TO BE
TRUE, THAT'S BECAUSE IT
ABSOLUTELY IS.
STUDY AFTER STUDY HAS INDICATED
THAT MOST OFFSETS AVAILABLE ON
THE MARKET DON'T RELIABLY REDUCE
EMISSIONS.
AND YET, OFFSETS ARE NOW THE
BACKBONE OF THE ENVIRONMENTAL
POLICIES OF MANY OF THE BIGGEST
POLLUTERS ON THE PLANET.
SO, GIVEN THAT, TONIGHT, LET'S
TALK ABOUT CARBON OFFSETS.
WHAT THEY ARE, WHAT THEY CLAIM
TO DO, AND HOW THEY MAY ACTUALLY
BE MAKING THINGS EVEN WORSE.
AND LET'S START WITH SOME BASIC
DEFINITIONS.
THE IDEA OF A CARBON OFFSET IS
THAT, IF YOU EMIT CO2 INTO THE
ATMOSPHERE, YOU CAN OFFSET IT
BY, SAY, PLANTING OR PROTECTING
TREES, WHICH REMOVE CARBON FROM
THE AIR, OR BUILDING A WIND FARM
TO REPLACE A FOSSIL FUEL PLANT.
HERE'S HOW BP -- A MAJOR
POLLUTER, OF COURSE -- SELLS THE
IDEA.
>> I'VE BEEN DRIVING AROUND AND
GENERATING THREE TONS OF CARBON
DIOXIDE, WHICH OF COURSE I'VE
RELEASED INTO THE ATMOSPHERE TO
JOIN ALL THE REST OF THE
GREENHOUSE GASSES THAT ARE
ALREADY OUT THERE.
NOW, IMAGINE THAT MILES AWAY,
MAYBE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE
WORLD, SOMEBODY ELSE TAKES THREE
TONS OF CARBON DIOXIDE OUT OF
THE ATMOSPHERE.
SO, WHAT'S HAPPENED?
THREE TONS IN, THREE TONS OUT,
RESULT: ZERO.
>> John: THAT VIOLENTLY BRITISH
MAN DID A PRETTY GOOD JOB OF
ILLUSTRATING THE CONCEPT THERE.
I'M NOT SURE HE NEEDED TO USE
THE DECORATIONS FROM A CLOWN'S
FUNERAL TO DO IT, BUT I GUESS,
WITHOUT THEM, I'D NEVER HAVE
KNOWN WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE WHEN
YOU ADD THREE TO SOMETHING BUT
THEN TAKE THREE AWAY, IT SIMPLY
CAN'T BE DONE.
BUT IF THAT SIMPLE EXPLANATION
DIDN'T DO IT FOR YOU, HERE'S ONE
IDIOT EXPLAINING OFFSETS TO
ANOTHER IDIOT, USING THE WORST
POSSIBLE METAPHOR, GIVEN WHO THE
SECOND IDIOT IS.
>> OF COURSE, YOU CAN BUY CARBON
OFFSETS, WHICH IS THE EQUIVALENT
OF BUYING, YOU KNOW, A DIAMOND
WATCH, RING, AND NECKLACE.
IF YOU'RE UNFAITHFUL TO YOUR
WIFE AND SAY, 'OH IT'S JUST AN
OFFSET HONEY, NO PROBLEM.'
THAT'LL WORK...
WHICH A CARBON OFFSET IS 'OH I
CAN SIN ALL I WANT.
I CAN PUT OUT ALL THE EMISSIONS
I WANT-BUT YOU GOT TO GET RID OF
YOUR CARAVAN AND DRIVE A
BICYCLE.'
>> John: OKAY, SET ASIDE
HANNITY'S INABILITY TO DECIDE IF
HE THINKS CARBON OFFESETS ARE
LIKE BUYING YOUR WIFE A NECKLACE
"OR" FORCING SOMEONE ELSE TO
RIDE A BIKE.
LET'S JUST DWELL ON HIM SAYING
THE WORDS, "IF YOU'RE UNFAITHFUL
TO YOUR WIFE" TO NEWT GINGRICH,
A MAN WHO WAS FAMOUSLY
UNFAITHFUL TO "TWO" OF HIS THREE
WIVES, SO FAR, TRYING TO GET
ONE TO SIGN DIVORCE DOCUMENTS
WHILE SHE WAS RECOVERING FROM
CANCER SURGERY, AND ASKING THE
SECOND FOR A DIVORCE SHORTLY
AFTER SHE WAS DIAGNOSED WITH
M.S.
NO WONDER HE JUST SAT THERE
SILENTLY UNTIL HANNITY STARTED
SPEAKING AGAIN.
I'M SURE HE DESPERATELY WANTED
TO WALK OUT, BUT I GUESS NEWT
WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO SEAN --
HE ONLY DOES THAT TO PEOPLE WITH
SEVERE ILLNESSES.
BUT THE POINT IS: OFFSETS ALLOW
BUSINESSES THAT CAN'T
IMMEDIATELY "REDUCE" THEIR
EMISSIONS TO BALANCE THINGS OUT
BY BUYING EMISSIONS REDUCTIONS
SOMEWHERE ELSE.
AND IN SOME PARTS OF THE WORLD,
THEY'RE ACTUALLY A WAY TO MEET
REGULATORY REQUIREMENTS ON
EMISSIONS.
PLACES LIKE CHINA, KOREA,
AUSTRALIA, AND CALIFORNIA HAVE
SET CAPS FOR HOW MUCH COMPANIES
CAN EMIT.
AND IF YOU GO ABOVE THAT CAP,
YOU MIGHT OPT TO BUY AN OFFSET
TO GET BACK BELOW IT.
BUT COMPANIES OPERATING OUTSIDE
OF THOSE AREAS MIGHT STILL
CHOOSE TO BUY OFFSETS
VOLUNTARILY, SO THEY CAN
MAKE CLAIMS LIKE THE ONES YOU
SAW IN THOSE ADS EARLIER.
THE VOLUNTARY MARKET IS SMALLER,
BUT IT'S GROWING INCREDIBLY FAST
-- IT QUADRUPLED TO NEARLY TWO
BILLION DOLLARS IN 2021.
EVEN YOU AS AN INDIVIDUAL CAN
NOW BE SOLD OFFSETS.
YOU MIGHT HAVE SEEN CHECKBOXES
LIKE THESE ON SITES LIKE UPS,
OFFERING YOU THE OPPORTUNITY TO
OFFSET THE CARBON OF YOUR
DELIVERY, OR MAYBE YOU WERE
OFFERED ONE AS AN IMPULSE BUY
WHILE TRAVELING.
>> TRAVELERS THROUGH AUSTIN'S
AIRPORT CAN HELP OFFSET THE
EMISSIONS THEIR FLIGHTS PUT INTO
THE ATMOSPHERE.
IT ONLY COSTS $2 AND OFFSETS
MORE THAN 1,000 MILES OF AIR
TRAVEL.
>> John: THAT PRICE IS OBVIOUSLY
TOO LOW.
IT'S PRETTY SUSPICIOUS THAT YOU
COULD WALK INTO AN AIRPORT, AND
OFFSET MORE THAN A THOUSAND
MILES OF AIR TRAVEL FOR JUST TWO
DOLLARS, THEN HEAD OVER TO A
CIBO EXPRESS WHERE IT COSTS AT
LEAST FIVE TIMES THAT TO BUY A
SOGGY CHICKEN WRAP THAT SOMEHOW
LOOKS -- IF I HAD TO PICK ONE
DESCRIPTOR FOR IT -- RECENTLY
DIVORCED.
THERE ARE EVEN BOUTIQUE
COMPANIES POPPING UP, LIKE
"WORLD'S FIRST HUMAN BREATH
CARBON OFFSET SERVICE,"
WHERE YOU CAN, FOR SEVENTEEN
DOLLARS A YEAR, OFFSET YOUR OWN
BREATH.
AND IF YOU JUST LET OUT A HUGE
EXASPERATED SIGH AT HEARING
THAT, BAD NEWS: THAT'LL COST
EXTRA.
YEP, YOU ALSO OFFERS YOU THE
CHANCE TO OFFSET YOUR PETS,
RANGING FROM $.06 FOR A HAMSTER
TO $6 FOR A CAT, ALL THE WAY TO
$10 TO OFFSET YOUR PIG.
WHICH SEEMS GREAT, ASIDE FROM
THE FACT THAT "$10 TO OFFSET
YOUR PIG" SOUNDS LIKE A DUTCH
SEX ACT THAT WAS SENT BACK AND
FORTH THROUGH GOOGLE TRANSLATE
ONE TOO MANY TIMES.
"FOR $10, BASILIUS, HE OFFSET
YOUR PIG, SO GOOD, SO STRONG,
YOUR EYES WILL POP AND YOUR
BRAVE TESTICLES WILL SWITCH."
AND LOOK: ON SOME LEVEL, YOU
PROBABLY KNOW CARBON OFFSETS ARE
BULLSHIT.
BOTH BECAUSE YOU'RE A REASONABLY
INTELLIGENT PERSON AND BECAUSE
YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT SHOW
YOU'RE WATCHING RIGHT NOW.
I DON'T OPEN MY BEAK TO SQUAWK
OUT GOOD NEWS; THIS THING POPS
OPEN FOR SAD NEWS AND PORRIDGE,
AND I'M ALL OUT OF PORRIDGE.
BUT EXACTLY HOW THEY'RE BULLSHIT
IS INTERESTING.
BECAUSE IT'S EASY TO SAY
YOU'RE REDUCING CARBON
EMISSIONS, BUT IT'S MUCH HARDER
TO PROVE IT, AND THE TRUTH IS,
THERE AREN'T MANY CHECKS AND
BALANCES IN PLACE TO PREVENT
ABUSE.
AND LET'S START WITH THE FACT
THAT A KEY CRITERION FOR ANY
OFFSET PROJECT IS WHAT'S CALLED
"ADDITIONALITY."
THE IDEA IS THAT AN OFFSET
SHOULD PROVIDE AN "EXTRA"
REDUCTION OF CARBON, THAT
WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED ANY OTHER
WAY.
FOR INSTANCE, IF YOU PLANTED A
TREE THAT WOULDN'T OTHERWISE
HAVE BEEN PLANTED, THAT'S
ADDITIONAL.
AS IS SAVING A TREE THAT WOULD
OTHERWISE HAVE BEEN CUT DOWN.
BUT THERE ARE MANY CASES WHERE
THE CLAIM OF "ADDITIONALITY" IS
SHAKY, AT BEST.
TAKE J.P. MORGAN, WHICH
ANNOUNCED IT HAD ACHIEVED
"CARBON NEUTRALITY" ACROSS ITS
OPERATIONS IN 2020.
ONE OF THE WAYS IT CLAIMED TO
HAVE ELIMINATED ITS CARBON
FOOTPRINT IS BY BUYING A MILLION
DOLLARS WORTH OF OFFSETS,
CLAIMING TO PROTECT AN AREA IN
PENNSYLVANIA CALLED
HAWK MOUNTAIN SANCTUARY.
BUT IT TURNS OUT THAT THE
THREATS TO THE SANCTUARY WERE
WILDLY OVERBLOWN.
>> THIS IS THE PROJECT'S
PLANNING DOCUMENT SUBMITTED IN
2018 TO THE AMERICAN CARBON
REGISTRY, AND THIS IS THE
BASELINE THE PROJECT'S BUILT
UPON -- THAT IF IT WEREN'T FOR
INTERVENTION, THE FORESTS WILL
BE SUBJECT TO AGGRESSIVE
CLEAR-CUTTING AND HIGH GRADING.
THE PROBLEM WAS HAWK MOUNTAIN
PRESERVE, AS ITS NAME WOULD
SUGGEST, WAS ALREADY A PRESERVE.
SINCE THE 1930S.
THIS AREA HAS BEEN CLOSELY
LOOKED AFTER, MANAGED, AND
PROTECTED.
THE FOREST DIDN'T NEED SAVING.
IT WASN'T UNDER THREAT.
>> John: YEAH, OF COURSE IT
WASN'T.
AND THAT PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE
BEEN OBVIOUS FROM THE FACT IT
WAS A PRESERVE, AND NOT CALLED
THE "HAWK MOUNTAIN CHOP-CHOP
ZONE AND TREE MURDER
PLAYGROUND".
AS A REPORTER FROM BLOOMBERG
UNCOVERED, THAT OFFSET WAS SOLD
TO J.P. MORGAN BY THE NATURE
CONSERVANCY, WHICH HAS BEEN VERY
ACTIVE IN SELLING CARBON OFFSET
PROJECTS.
THEY ALSO SOLD ONE HUNDRED AND
EIGHTY THOUSAND CREDITS TO
DISNEY, WHICH OSTENSIBLY WENT TO
PROTECT THIS FOREST IN RURAL
PENNSYLVANIA FROM WHAT THE
CONSERVANCY WARNED WAS A RISK OF
SIGNIFICANT COMMERCIAL TIMBER
HARVESTING.
BUT YOU SHOULD KNOW: THE NATURE
CONSERVANCY ITSELF HAD OWNED
MOST OF THAT LAND SINCE 1999.
AND THEY'RE NOT, FAMOUSLY, IN
THE COMMERCIAL TIMBER HARVESTING
BUSINESS.
AND YOU MIGHT THINK, "WELL, GOOD
FOR THEM.
THEY'RE TAKING DISNEY'S MONEY,
AND NOT HAVING TO GIVE THEM
ANYTHING IN RETURN."
BUT THEY ARE GIVING THEM
SOMETHING, THOUGH -- NAMELY, THE
ABILITY TO MAKE CLAIMS LIKE,
"DISNEY REDUCED OVER 4 MILLION
TONS OF CARBON DIOXIDE, EQUAL TO
TAKING OVER 900,000 CARS OFF THE
ROAD."
WHICH WE ALREADY KNOW ISN'T TRUE
BUT, IF IT WERE, I DO HOPE THEY
WOULD START WITH MATER.
I DON'T CARE IF HE'S LIGHTNING
McQUEEN'S BEST FRIEND, HE'S
CHOKING US.
HE'S CHOKING OUR PLANET TO
DEATH.
ALSO THE MONEY FROM OFFSETS
DOESN'T ALWAYS GO TO PLACES LIKE
THE NATURE CONSERVANCY.
REMEMBER THAT AIRPORT PLAN WHERE
YOU COULD OFFSET MORE THAN A
THOUSAND MILES OF AIR TRAVEL FOR
$2?
RECORDS SHOW THAT THIS YEAR, A
SIGNIFICANT PORTION OF THE MONEY
FROM THAT PROGRAM HAS GONE TO
SUPPORT TREES AT THE
"HUDSON FARM CLUB," IN NEW
JERSEY, A 3,800-ACRE PRIVATE
HUNTING CLUB SET UP BY
PETER KELLOGG -- BILLIONAIRE AND
MODEL FOR THE L.L. BEAN "HEART
FAILURE AT THE YACHT CLUB"
COLLECTION.
HERE'S ONE MEMBER EXPLAINING
WHAT HAPPENS THERE.
>> PETER HAD THIS VISION OF
HAVING A PLACE FOR SEVERAL OF
HIS FRIENDS AND ADDITIONAL
MEMBERS TO HUNT IN NEW JERSEY
AND TO SHOOT IN NEW JERSEY AND
TO DEVELOP ONE OF THE BEST
SPORTING CLAYS SPOTS IN THE
WHOLE NORTHEAST, IF NOT THE
COUNTRY.
IT'S CALLED HUDSON FARM.
IT'S APPROXIMATELY 3800 ACRES.
IT'S IN ANDOVER, NEW JERSEY.
IT'S ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
PLACES ON EARTH I'VE EVER SEEN.
AND IT IS A HUNTERS' AND
SHOOTERS' PARADISE.
>> John: OKAY.
FIRST, IT'S NOT JUST ME, WE'RE
GETTING "GET OUT" VIBES?
SECOND, THEY CLAIMED WITHOUT THE
MONEY FROM CARBON OFFSETS, 77%
OF THE TREES COULD BE CLEAR-CUT
IN FIVE YEARS.
BUT THAT CLEARLY WASN'T GOING TO
HAPPEN.
IT'S OWNED BY A BILLIONAIRE, AND
EXISTS FOR RICH GUYS TO
FANTASIZE ABOUT SHOOTING ANIMALS
IN THE WILD, RIGHT DOWN TO
THIS LIFE-SIZED CARDBOARD CUTOUT
OF A BUFFALO ON FOUR WHEELS.
IN FACT, I'D ARGUE THE ONLY REAL
DAMAGE THAT MIGHT HAPPEN THERE
IS FROM THAT GUY YOU SAW TALKING
EARLIER, WHO SEEMS IN DANGER OF
CASUALLY SHOOTING OFF HIS OWN
NUTSACK.
AND WITH THE MARKET FOR CARBON
OFFSETS INCREASING, THERE ARE
NOW COMPANIES NOW ACTIVELY
RECRUITING ALMOST ANYONE WHO HAS
A TREE, TO GET IN ON THE ACTION.
FIRMS LIKE THESE ARE IN THE
BUSINESS OF FINDING SMALL
LANDOWNERS AND CONNECTING THEM
WITH COMPANIES WHO'LL PAY THEM
NOT TO CUT DOWN THEIR TREES,
PITCHING THEMSELVES WITH ADS
LIKE THIS ONE FROM NCX.
>> WE'RE IN A CRITICAL DECADE
FOR THE CLIMATE AND FORESTS ARE
A POWERFUL NATURAL SOLUTION FOR
REMOVING CARBON FROM THE
ATMOSPHERE.
NCX'S FOREST DATA SCIENTISTS
DEVELOPED THE FIRST
HIGH-RESOLUTION FOREST MAP OF
EVERY ACRE OF AMERICA.
NOW, EVERY LANDOWNER AND
EVERY ACRE OF FOREST CAN BE PART
OF THE CLIMATE SOLUTION.
>> John: YEAH, BASICALLY,
THEY'LL PAY YOU TO LEAVE YOUR
TREES ALONE.
WHICH IS A PRETTY GOOD DEAL, AS
IT SHOULD BE EASY NOT TO CUT
DOWN TREES, UNLESS, OF COURSE,
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THIS ONE.
BECAUSE FUCK THIS TREE.
IT HAS AT LEAST SEVEN DIFFERENT
EYES, "TEETH", AND IT SEEMS TO
BE VOMITING UP A BUSH.
YOU LOOK LIKE THE GIVING TREE IF
ALL IT GAVE YOU WAS NIGHTMARES
H.P. LOVECRAFT.
I HATE THIS TREE!
AND WITH NCX, YOU DON'T EVEN
HAVE TO PROMISE "NEVER" TO CUT
YOUR TREES DOWN, AS THEY GIVE
YOU THE OPTION TO STILL GET PAID
SIMPLY TO DEFER CUTTING THEM
DOWN FOR "AS LITTLE AS ONE
YEAR."
BUT A TWELVE-MONTH DELAY DOESN'T
REALLY BENEFIT THE PLANET MUCH.
AS ONE EXPERT WE TALKED TO
FRAMED IT, IT'S AKIN TO SELLING
A CARBON CREDIT FOR HOLDING YOUR
BREATH FOR FIFTEEN SECONDS.
ALSO, THERE'S A MUCH BIGGER
PROBLEM WITH ALL THESE
TREE-BASED PROGRAMS, WHICH IS
THAT EVEN THEY DO PROTECT ONE
SECTION OF TREES FROM LOGGING,
THAT DOESN'T NECESSARILY MEAN
MUCH, IF A LOGGING OPERATION
SIMPLY CUTS DOWN THE TREES ON
THE LAND NEXT DOOR INSTEAD.
PLUS, GIVEN THAT
FOREST FIRES ARE NOW ON THE RISE
THANKS TO CLIMATE CHANGE, OFFSET
PROGRAMS CAN, AND HAVE,
LITERALLY GONE UP IN FLAMES.
ALL OF THIS IS WHY, WHILE
COMPANIES LOVE TO MAKE BIG,
BROAD CLAIMS ABOUT THE BENEFITS
OF THEIR OFFSETS, THEY REALLY
DON'T LIKE GETTING INTO THE
DETAILS.
TAKE THE AIRLINE A FEW YEARS
AGO, THEY BEGAN A
VOLUNTARY PROGRAM WHERE
CUSTOMERS COULD CONTRIBUTE ONE
EURO TO HELP OFFSET THEIR
FLIGHT, POINTING TO
TREE-PLANTING SCHEMES IN IRELAND
AND PORTUGAL THAT WOULD HELP DO
THAT.
BUT AN EXPERT LATER FOUND
THOSE SCHEMES OFFSET LESS THAN
0.01 PERCENT OF RYANAIR'S 2019
EMISSIONS -- AND WHEN ITS CEO
WAS PRESSED ON THIS, HE GOT A
LITTLE DEFENSIVE.
>> THE POINT HERE IS THAT YOU'VE
GOT A LARGE AND GROWING AIRLINE
THAT EMITS A LOT OF CARBON
DIOXIDE AND YOUR OFFSETTING
SCHEME NOWHERE NEAR MEETS THAT.
>> ABSOLUTELY WRONG!
>> BUT THERE'S AN IRISH FOREST,
ISN'T THERE, IN ROSCOMMON?
>> YEP.
>> WHICH IS 7 HECTARES.
I MEAN, IT IS NOTHING.
>> FROM LITTLE ACORNS GROW
MIGHTY TREES.
>> IF YOU'VE ONLY GOT 7
HECTARES, YOU'RE ONLY GOING TO
GET 7 HECTARES OF MIGHTY OAKS
AREN'T YOU?
>> WE'VE ONLY STARTED THIS IN
THE LAST YEAR.
I MEAN, WE'RE WORKING WITH FOUR
PROJECTS.
WE'RE RE -- YOU KNOW, WE'RE
REPLANTING TREES IN MONCHIQUE IN
PORTUGAL.
WE'RE SUPPORTING WHALES AND
DOLPHINS IN IRELAND AS WELL.
>> WHALE TRACKING WHICH HAS
NOTHING TO DO WITH CARBON
DIOXIDE.
>> AND THE BIZARRE ONE --
>> WHICH HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH
CARBON DIOXIDE.
>> NO, BUT IT'S GOOD FOR THE
ENVIRONMENT.
I DON'T THINK ANY OF OUR
CUSTOMERS WOULD OBJECT TO
SUPPORTING WHALES AND DOLPHINS
IN IRELAND.
>> John: OKAY, IT'S NOT THAT
PEOPLE WOULD OBJECT TO THAT.
OF COURSE PEOPLE LOVE WHALES AND
DOLPHINS.
WHALES ARE BIG HONKIN' BOYS WHO
UPSHIT WATER OUT OF THEIR HEADS,
AND DOLPHINS ARE SMOOTH,
FRIENDLY WATER DOGS WHO CACKLE
LIKE DEMONIC BABIES -- THEY'RE
BOTH EXCELLENT.
BUT PROTECTING THEM ISN'T THE
THING YOU PROMISED.
IT'S LIKE IF YOU ASKED YOUR
HUSBAND TO PICK UP YOUR KIDS
FROM SCHOOL AND HE CAME HOME
CHILDLESS, BUT WITH A PIZZA.
YOU'RE NOT MAD AT THE PIZZA --
NO ONE'S EVER MAD AT THE PIZZA
-- BUT IT'S NOT THE IMPORTANT
THING HE SAID HE WAS GOING TO
DO.
THE PROBLEM WITH CARBON OFFSETS
IS, EVERYONE WANTS TO BELIEVE IN
THEM.
BUYERS WANT A CHEAP WAY TO MAKE
A BIG CLAIM, AND SELLERS WANT
MONEY FOR DOING AS LITTLE AS
POSSIBLE.
AND IDEALLY, THERE WOULD BE AN
ENTITY IN THE MIDDLE CHARGED
WITH KEEPING BOTH SIDES HONEST.
AND THERE ACTUALLY IS -- THEY'RE
CALLED CARBON OFFSET
REGISTRIES.
THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE NEUTRAL
THIRD PARTIES WHO SIGN OFF ON
THE EFFICACY OF POTENTIAL
OFFSETS.
THESE FOUR ARE THE MAJOR ONES IN
THE VOLUNTARY OFFSET MARKET.
BUT THOSE REGISTRIES AREN'T
REALLY ACCOUNTABLE TO ANYONE --
TECHNICALLY, YOU OR I COULD
START A REGISTRY.
AND GIVEN THAT THEY'RE PAID BY
THE COMPANIES SELLING THE
OFFSETS, IT WON'T SURPRISE YOU
TO LEARN MANY EXPERTS SAY
THEIR STANDARDS ARE FAR TOO LOW
-- AS EXEMPLIFIED BY THE FACT
THE HAWK MOUNTAIN PRESERVE, THE
DISNEY FOREST, AND THE HUNTING
CLUB, ALL MET THE STANDARDS
OF THE AMERICAN CARBON REGISTRY.
BASICALLY, GETTING A SIGN OFF
FROM A CARBON REGISTRY IS LIKE
WINNING A KIDS CHOICE AWARD --
IT DOESN'T REALLY MEAN MUCH, BUT
IT WILL HELP YOU TEMPORARILY
LOOK A LITTLE GREENER.
AND LOOK: THE PROBLEM ISN'T
THOSE PROJECTS THEMSELVES.
IT'S GOOD TO PROTECT FORESTS!
BUT THE ISSUE IS CLAIMING THEY
CANCEL OUT CARBON EMISSIONS.
BECAUSE TRULY OFFSETTING CARBON
IS TECHNICALLY POSSIBLE.
THEORETICALLY, IF A WIND FARM
GETS BUILT TO REPLACE A
FOSSIL-FUEL PLANT, THAT HAD ZERO
LIKELIHOOD OF GETTING BUILT
OTHERWISE, THAT COULD BE A
GENUINE OFFSET.
BUT REAL-WORLD EXAMPLES OF THAT
ARE EXTREMELY HARD TO FIND.
ONE STUDY OF WIND TURBINE
PROJECTS IN INDIA, FOR INSTANCE,
FOUND THAT AT LEAST FIFTY-TWO
PERCENT OF APPROVED CARBON
OFFSETS STEMMED FROM PROJECTS
THAT WOULD VERY LIKELY HAVE BEEN
BUILT ANYWAY.
WHICH CAUSES REAL DAMAGE.
BECAUSE POLLUTERS IN COUNTRIES
THAT CAP EMISSIONS BOUGHT THOSE
OFFSETS.
AND WHEN YOU BUY AN OFFSET SO
YOU CAN POLLUTE MORE -- AND THAT
OFFSET IS BULLSHIT -- YOU'RE
ACTIVELY MAKING THINGS WORSE.
IN FACT, THAT STUDY ARGUES
THE SALE OF THOSE OFFSETS
SUBSTANTIALLY INCREASED GLOBAL
CARBON DIOXIDE EMISSIONS.
WHICH CLEARLY ISN'T GOOD.
AND THERE'S ONE FINAL WAY CARBON
OFFSETS CAN CAUSE HARM.
BECAUSE WHEN THAT
BP SPOKESPERSON WITH THE GOTH
BALLOONS REFERRED TO BUILDING AN
OFFSETTING PROJECT "MILES AWAY,
MAYBE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE
WORLD", IT'S WORTH REMEMBERING
THAT PEOPLE MIGHT BE LIVING
THERE.
A DECADE AGO, THE SWEDISH ENERGY
AGENCY ANNOUNCED THAT IT HAD
BOUGHT CARBON CREDITS FROM A
COMPANY CALLED GREEN RESOURCES,
WHICH SAID IT HAD PLANTED
PINE FORESTS IN UGANDA, THAT
COULD OFFSET CARBON EMISSIONS
ELSEWHERE.
THE PROBLEM WAS, THOUSANDS OF
RURAL UGANDANS WERE EVICTED BY
THE UGANDAN GOVERNMENT TO MAKE
ROOM FOR THE PLANTATION,
INCLUDING THIS MAN, WHOSE FAMILY
ONCE FARMED A LARGE PLOT OF LAND
THERE.
>> WHEN I WAS SEVEN YEARS OLD, I
STARTED HERDING CATTLE.
THE OTHER KIDS AND I HERDED THE
LIVESTOCK ON OUR LAND.
THERE WERE ROCKS, WHICH WERE
REMNANTS FROM MY GREAT GREAT
GRANDFATHER'S DAY.
>> Narrator: ODONGO, DO YOU HAVE
A POSSIBILITY TO JUST SHOW US
WHERE YOUR LAND WAS?
>> NO, THAT WOULD BE A PROBLEM.
I CAN GET IN TROUBLE IF I SHOW
YOU THE LAND.
>> John: THAT'S AWFUL.
NO ONE SHOULD EVER BE SCARED
TO SHOW SOMEONE A PIECE OF LAND,
UNLESS, OF COURSE, THAT JANKY
FUCKING TREE IS ON IT.
IF THERE WERE ANY SQUIRRELS
LIVING IN YOU, THEY'VE DIED OF
EMBARRASSMENT, I HOPE YOU KNOW
THAT.
AND THE SWEDISH ENERGY AGENCY
WILL POINT OUT THAT THEY'VE NOW
BACKED AWAY FROM THAT UGANDAN
PROJECT, BUT I'LL POINT OUT THEY
ONLY DID THAT AFTER THAT
NEWS SEGMENT YOU JUST SAW
EMBARRASSED THEM ON SWEDISH
TELEVISION.
THEY WERE COMPLETELY FINE WITH
IT UNTIL THEN.
SO, IT SEEMS, AT BEST, THE
BENEFITS OF CARBON OFFSETS ARE
WILDLY OVERSTATED, WHILE THE
HARM THEY CAN DO IS VERY REAL.
AND WHILE THERE ARE ONGOING
EFFORTS TO AT LEAST IMPROVE THE
STANDARDS OF REGISTRIES, THE
TRUTH IS, OFFSETS AREN'T THE
ANSWER HERE.
FUNDAMENTALLY, WE CAN'T OFFSET
OUR WAY OUT CLIMATE CHANGE.
EVEN THE CURRENT CEO OF
UNITED AIRLINES KNOWS THIS.
HE'S ONE OF THE FEW HEADS OF A
FOSSIL-FUEL-DEPENDENT COMPANY
WHO'S WILLING TO ACKNOWLEDGE HOW
INADEQUATE OFFSETS CAN BE.
>> THE REAL CHALLENGE WE HAVE
GLOBALLY IS THAT MANKIND
PRODUCES 4,000 TIMES AS MANY
EMISSIONS AS WE DID IN THE
PRE-INDUSTRIAL ERA.
AND MOST OF THESE CARBON OFFSET
PROJECTS ARE ABOUT PLANTING
TREES.
THERE IS NOT ROOM ON THE PLANET
TO PLANT 4,000 TIMES AS MANY
TREES.
IT SIMPLY CAN'T BE THE ANSWER.
AND THE PROBLEM WITH IT IS IS
IT'S THE EASY SOLUTION.
IT'S THE SOLUTION THAT IF YOU'RE
SITTING IN THE C-SUITE, YOU CAN
WRITE A CHECK AND CHECK THE BOX
AND HAVE A MARKETING MESSAGE
THAT I'VE OFFSET ALL MY CARBON,
BUT YOU REALLY HAVEN'T DONE
ANYTHING.
>> John: HE'S RIGHT.
THAT AIRLINE CEO IS RIGHT.
ALTHOUGH IT SPEAKS TO THE
SEDUCTIVE POWER OF OFFSETS THAT
EVEN HIS COMPANY CAN'T GIVE THEM
UP.
IF YOU GO TO THE UNITED AIRLINES
WEBSITE RIGHT NOW, YOU'LL FIND A
PAGE WHERE YOU CAN OFFSET YOUR
FLIGHT, IN FRONT OF A PICTURE OF
A FUCKING FOREST.
SO AT LEAST ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE
SITTING IN THE C-SUITE, CHECKING
A BOX IS THE GHOST OF MARK
ZUCKERBERG FUTURE.
BUT IT'S TRUE THAT THERE
LITERALLY ISN'T ENOUGH SPACE FOR
EVERY COMPANY TO PLANT TREES AND
FULFILL THEIR OWN NET ZERO
PLEDGE.
BY ONE ESTIMATE, THERE'S ONLY
ABOUT FIVE HUNDRED MILLION
HECTARES OF LAND LEFT THAT CAN
BE DEDICATED TO NEW FORESTS FOR
CARBON CAPTURE.
AND SHELL ALONE, HAS PROPOSED
PLANTING A TENTH OF THAT AMOUNT.
THE BOTTOM LINE IS WE HAVE AN
OFFSET SYSTEM THAT PLACES
PROFITS OVER SCIENCE, AND THE
RULES REGULATING IT ARE FAR TOO
LAX.
AND THE REASON I KNOW THAT IS,
REMEMBER WHEN, FIVE MINUTES AGO,
I SAID THAT I COULD SET UP A
CARBON REGISTRY?
YOU ALREADY KNEW WHERE THIS WAS
HEADING, RIGHT?
YOU KNEW, IF THEY HAD A LOOPHOLE
WHERE I COULD SET UP A REGISTRY,
ESTABLISH WHATEVER STANDARDS I
WANT, AND START LISTING
PROJECTS, THAT I WAS GOING
STRAIGHT THROUGH THAT FUCKING
LOOPHOLE, RIGHT?
YOU KNEW THAT WAS GOING TO
HAPPEN.
WELL I'M GLAD TO SAY YOU WERE
CORRECT.
WE SET UP OLIVER'S OFFSETS
CARBON REGISTRY, AND I'M
THRILLED TO ANNOUNCE AN EXCITING
NEW PROJECT THAT MEETS OUR
EXACTING STANDARDS.
PLEASE -- COME WITH ME.
AS YOU'RE ABOUT TO SEE, WE HAVE
TREES IN THE STUDIO NOW, TREES
YOU CAN HELP PROTECT, WHILE ALSO
OFFSETTING YOUR PERSONAL CARBON
FOOTPRINT.
NOW, ARE ANY OF THESE TREES
UNDER THREAT?
I'M CERTAINLY GOING TO TELL YOU
THAT THEY ARE.
BECAUSE I'LL CUT EVERY SINGLE
ONE OF THESE FUCKERS DOWN.
I'LL DO IT!
MAYBE THERE ARE BIRDS LIVING IN
HERE, OR WHALES!
WHO KNOWS?
BUT DON'T WORRY -- YOU CAN SAVE
THEM, SIMPLY BY SENDING ME ONE
DOLLAR!
WE'RE ISSUING TEN THOUSAND
CARBON CREDITS, EACH OF WHICH
WILL STOP ME CUTTING THIS TREE
DOWN FOR EXACTLY FIVE MINUTES.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS GO TO
OliversOffsets.org, PAY ME A
DOLLAR, AND IN RETURN WE'LL SEND
YOU BACK A CARD THAT YOU CAN USE
AS PROOF THAT YOU'RE NOW
"CARBON NEUTRAL."
WE'RE MAKING BIG CLAIMS WHILE
DOING VERY LITTLE, WHICH
HONESTLY, IS ENTIRELY REFLECTIVE
OF THE SYSTEM WE CURRENTLY HAVE.
SO WHY NOT OFFSET YOUR CARBON
TODAY?
ALL PROCEEDS WILL GO TO SAVING
IRISH WHALES AND DOLPHINS.
AND WHO WOULD HAVE A PROBLEM
WITH THAT?
THAT'S OUR SHOW, THANK YOU SO
MUCH FOR WATCHING!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
GOOD NIGHT!
[CHAINSAW WHIRRING]
I'LL DO IT!
GIVE ME MONEY!
I'LL DO IT!
GIVE ME A DOLLAR!
I'LL CUT THIS FUCKING THING