♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪
>> John: WELCOME, WELCOME,
WELCOME TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT!"
I'M JOHN OLIVER, THANKS SO MUCH
FOR JOINING US.
IT'S BEEN A BUSY WEEK.
RUSSIA PULLED OUT OF KHERSON IN
UKRAINE, AND TWITTER CONTINUED
ITS VERY ENTERTAINING DEATH
SPIRAL, BUT THE BIG NEWS WAS THE
MIDTERM
ELECTIONS, WHERE DEMOCRATS DID
UNEXPECTEDLY WELL.
JOHN FETTERMAN, SEEN HERE IN A
PHILLY TUXEDO, DEFEATED DR. OZ,
SOMETHING PERHAPS BEST
CELEBRATED BY PENNSLVANIA'S
CURRENT DEMOCRATIC SENATOR BOB
CASEY.
AND, BEFORE I SHOW YOU THIS
VIDEO, KNOW THERE ARE SOME
UNEXPECTED TWISTS IN IT.
YOU'RE GOING TO HIT THE FIRST
ONE AND THINK "OH, THAT'S WHAT
HE WAS TALKING ABOUT," BUT IT'S
NOT OVER YET.
>> JOHN FETTERMAN WON THE SENATE
RACE.
THIS IS PITTSBURGH BEER.
GOOD WORK, JOHN.
YOU AND GISELE AND YOUR WHOLE
TEAM DID GREAT WORK.
CONGRATULATIONS.
♪ ♪
I DON'T THINK I'M GOING TO SLEEP
TONIGHT.
I THINK I'M JUST GOING TO HOLD
THIS BEER AND LOOK AT THAT MAP.
>> John: OKAY, FIRST, IF YOU'D
GIVEN ME A MILLION GUESSES ABOUT
THE GENRE OF MUSIC THAT WAS
GOING TO RUN A FREIGHT TRAIN
THROUGH THE MIDDLE OF THAT CLIP,
NOT A SINGLE ONE WOULD HAVE BEEN
"RAP."
SECOND, FINDING OUT THAT GUY'S
GONNA SPEND THE REST OF HIS
NIGHT STARING AT A MAP ISN'T
REMOTELY SURPRISING.
WE ALL KNOW A MAP GUY WHEN WE
SEE ONE AND YOU SIR?
MAP GUY.
FINALLY, CONGRATULATIONS, JOHN
FETTERMAN, YOU SURVIVED A STROKE
AND AN INCREDIBLY UGLY CAMPAIGN
RUN BY A SNAKE-OIL SALESMAN TO
ONLY WIN SEVERAL YEARS WITH THE
WORLD'S WEIRDEST NEW COWORKER.
HAVE FUN!
ALL IN ALL, TUESDAY WAS A PRETTY
GOOD NIGHT.
DEMOCRATS ALSO WON KEY
GUBERNATORIAL RACES, PROGRESSIVE
PROSECUTORS WON ELECTIONS IN
PLACES LIKE DALLAS COUNTY, TEXAS
AND POLK COUNTY, IOWA, AND
VOTERS IN THESE FIVE STATES
OPTED TO SUPPORT OR DEFEND
ABORTION ACCESS.
AND WHILE IT'S RIDICULOUS THAT
WE'RE HAVING TO FIGHT STATE BY
STATE FOR RIGHTS PEOPLE HAD
EARLIER THIS YEAR, HERE WE ARE.
THERE WERE ALSO BIG LOSSES FOR
SOME ALARMING CANDIDATES WE'VE
FEATURED ON THIS SHOW, LIKE
KRISTINA KARAMO IN MICHIGAN,
DOUG MASTRIANO IN PENNSYLVANIA,
AND BLAKE MASTERS IN ARIZONA.
AND THOSE RESULTS WERE SOMETHING
THAT SENT FOX NEWS PUNDITS
SCRAMBLING FOR ANSWERS.
>> SINGLE WOMEN ARE VOTING
FOR --
>> 37 POINTS!
AND IN URBAN AMERICA THEY'RE
CLEANING OUR CLOCKS IN THE
CITIES.
AND THE FACT THAT THESE YOUTH
VOTERS ARE COMING IN SO STRONG
ON AN OFF-YEAR IS VERY
CONCERNING.
>> THE DEMOCRATS WERE ALSO VERY
DELIBERATE IN THEIR PITCH TO
YOUNG PEOPLE.
THEY OFFERED THEM DRUGS,
RECREATIONAL DRUGS --
>> POT --
>> ABORTION, PAID OFF STUDENT
LOANS.
YEAH.
SO, THERE WERE, AGAIN,
ACTIONABLE POLICIES THAT THEY
WERE PROMISING TO ADVANCE AND
CLIMATE CHANGE.
>> John: WE DON'T HAVE TIME TO
GO INTO ALL THE WAYS THEY'RE
TELLING ON THEMSELVES THERE --
FROM BEING APPALLED YOUNG PEOPLE
WERE VOTING, TO ADMITTING THEY
HAVE ZERO "ACTIONABLE POLICIES",
BUT ADDING "OH, AND CLIMATE
CHANGE" AS A COMPLETE
AFTERTHOUGHT IS A PRETTY FUN
ONE.
A NICE LITTLE CHERRY ON TOP OF A
"WHAT THE FUCK HAVE WE DONE"
SUNDAE.
BUT ONE PERSON CAME IN FOR A LOT
OF THE BLAME, AND THAT'S DONALD
TRUMP, AS KEY CANDIDATES HE
SUPPORTED LOST.
EVEN SOME ON FOX MADE IT CLEAR
THEY HAD A NEW FAVORITE
REPUBLICAN.
>> RON DeSANTIS WON THE FLORIDA
GOVERNOR'S RACE IN A LANDSLIDE.
INEVITABLY, HE'S NOW SEEN AS A
PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE.
THAT IS NOT GOING DOWN WELL WITH
DONALD TRUMP.
HE ACTUALLY THREATENED TO REVEAL
PERSONAL INFORMATION ABOUT
GOVERNOR DeSANTIS IF HE RUNS FOR
THE PRESIDENCY.
BAD MOVE.
TRUMP IS THE PAST.
DeSANTIS, ACCORDING TO THE NEW
YORK POST, IS "DE-FUTURE."
>> John: I DON'T LIKE LIKE A
SINGLE PART OF THAT.
ESPECIALLY NOT WHEN STUART
VARNEY SAID "DE-FUTURE" LIKE A
CHICAGO ALDERMAN INTRODUCING THE
MUSICAL GUEST ON "SNL".
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
DE-FUTURE."
AND LOOK, THE PROSPECT OF A
PRESIDENT DeSANTIS IS JUST ONE
OF THE WORRYING THINGS THAT CAME
UNDER ALL THE GOOD NEWS ON
TUESDAY.
THERE'S A CHANCE REPUBLICANS
WILL RECAPTURE THE HOUSE, AND IF
THEY DO, THEY'LL BE ABLE TO JAM
UP BIDEN FOR THE NEXT TWO YEARS,
WITH STUNTS LIKE HOLDING THE
WHOLE COUNTRY HOSTAGE BY
REFUSING TO RAISE THE DEBT
CEILING, AND I DON'T KNOW,
LAUNCHING AN INVESTIGATION INTO
BIDEN'S PELOTON RIDE HISTORY.
PLUS THERE'S THE SMALL MATTER OF
GEORGIA'S RUNOFF ELECTION NEXT
MONTH, WHICH COULD PUT HERSCHEL
WALKER IN THE SENATE.
SO DEMOCRATS STILL HAVE WORK TO
DO.
BUT FOR NOW, THEY CAN PAUSE FOR
A VERY BRIEF CELEBRATION.
MAY I SUGGEST SOMETHING LIKE
THIS.
♪ ♪
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> John: I'M JUST GOING TO
HOLD THE SPEAR AND LOOK AT THIS
MAP.
>> John: AND NOW, THIS.
>> ANNOUNCER: AND NOW,
STEVE CARNEGIE IS NEVER NOT AT
THE BIG BOARD.
>> IT'S ELE ELECTION DAY, STEVE
CARNEGIE IS AT THE BIG BOARD.
>> STEVE CARNEGIE AT THE BIG
BOARD.
>> STEVE CARNEGIE IN HIS NATURAL
HABITAT.
>> BIG BOY.
>> AT THE BIG BOARD.
>> LET'S GO TO THE BIG BOARD.
>> STEVE CARNEGIE AT THE BIG
BOARD.
>> BACK TO THE BIG BOY.
>> THE GREAT STEVE CARNEGIE AT
THE BIG BOARD.
>> WE HAVE SEEN STANDING AT THE
BIG BOARD AND I DON'T THINK THEY
LET THEM LEAVE THE BIG BOARD.
I THINK HE LIVES THERE NOW.
♪ ♪
[LAUGHTER]
>> John: MOVING ON.
OUR MAIN STORY TONIGHT CONCERNS
THE BRITISH MONARCHY.
THE BEST THING TO HAPPEN TO
WHITE ACTORS SINCE LITERALLY
EVERYTHING ELSE.
THE MONARCHY'S GIVEN THE WORLD
ROYAL WEDDINGS, THE UNVEILING OF
NEW ROYAL BABIES, AND, OF
COURSE, MOMENTS LIKE THIS.
>> HE MAY HAVE GROWN UP IN A
PALACE, BUT TODAY, PRINCE
CHARLES WAS DOING HIS BEST TO
GET IN TOUCH WITH THE MOOD ON
THE STREETS.
>> AH, DIG THAT CRAZY
RHYTHM!
>> John: NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!
THERE'S PERHAPS NOTHING MORE
PATHETIC THAN THE
WORLD'S MOST FAMOUS ADULT SON
SAYING "DIG THAT CRAZY RHYTHM"
WITH WHAT I CAN ONLY DESCRIBE AS
"BIG NARC ENERGY."
THE MONARCHY'S CLEARLY IN
TRANSITION RIGHT NOW, FOLLOWING
THE DEATH OF THE QUEEN -- AN
EVENT THAT PROMPTED TEN DAYS OF
PUBLIC MOURNING, WITH A MASSIVE
LINE OF PEOPLE QUEUING FOR HOURS
TO PAY THEIR RESPECTS.
BUT WHILE SOME WERE DEVASTATED,
OTHERS HAD MORE COMPLICATED
FEELINGS.
>> THE QUEEN, IT'S LIKE, I CARE
BUT I DON'T.
THAT'S ME BEING REAL.
>> SO TELL ME ABOUT THE CARE
PART AND THEN TELL ME ABOUT THE
DON'T CARE PART.
>> I CARE BECAUSE IT'S OUR
QUEEN.
>> OUR QUEEN.
IT'S A PER -- IT'S A -- OUR
QUEEN IS A PERSON WHO DIED,
LIKE, IT'S SAD, LIKE --
>> OKAY, AND THEN THE DON'T CARE
PART.
>> SHE AIN'T DONE NOTHING FOR
US.
>> John: YEAH, I GET THAT.
I HAD A SIMILAR REACTION WHEN
BIG DIED ON THE PELOTON.
I DON'T CARE, BECAUSE BIG WAS
POMPOUS, GOOD FOR NOTHING, AND
-- LET'S BE HONEST -- VOTED FOR
TRUMP.
BUT I DO CARE A LITTLE BECAUSE I
THAT KNOW CARRIE CARES.
LOOK AT HER THERE IN HIS LAST
MOMENTS, DEVASTATED, DOING
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
BUT THEIR AMBIVALENCE SPEAKS TO
THE FACT THAT -- TO A DEGREE
AMERICANS MAY NOT REALIZE -- THE
MONARCHY ISN'T A UNIVERSALLY
BELOVED INSTITUTION.
AND THEY WERE BEING VERY NICE
ABOUT IT.
OTHERS HAVE BEEN LESS KIND.
IN THE AFTERMATH OF THE QUEEN'S
DEATH, MANY SPORTING EVENTS HELD
A "MINUTE OF SILENCE."
BUT SOME CROWDS -- PARTICULARLY
IN SCOTLAND AND IRELAND -- WENT
A DIFFERENT WAY, WITH THIS SONG
PROVING PARTICULARLY POPULAR.
>> [CROWD SINGING "LIZZIE'S IN A
BOX"]
>> John: YEAH, "LIZZIE'S IN A
BOX."
WHICH I KNOW SOUNDS INSENSITIVE,
BUT I'D ARGUE OF ALL THE PLACES
THEY COULD HAVE CHANTED SHE WAS
IN, "BOX" IS ACTUALLY PRETTY
GENEROUS.
AND LOOK, YOU CAN MAKE THE CASE
THAT'S IN BAD TASTE.
YOU CAN ALSO MAKE THE CASE IT'S
VERY FUNNY.
TWO THINGS CAN BE TRUE.
EVEN WE GOT IN TROUBLE WHEN
SKY TV IN THE UK CUT A COUPLE OF
FAIRLY BENIGN JOKES WE DID THE
WEEK SHE DIED.
WHO KNOWS IF THIS SEGMENT WILL
EVEN AIR ON TV OVER THERE?
JUST IN CASE THEY REFUSE, WE'VE
ACTUALLY PREPARED AN ALTERNATE
SHOW FOR THEM, WHERE THIS STORY
IS REPLACED WITH A 25-MINUTE
LOOP OF THIS VIDEO OF WINSTON
CHURCHILL GOING BACKWARDS DOWN A
WATERSLIDE, SET TO THE BENNY
HILL THEME.
SO THEY WON'T HAVE NOTHING.
BUT IN THE UK, THE ARGUMENT WAS
THAT, IN THE WAKE OF THE QUEEN'S
DEATH, IT JUST WASN'T THE TIME
FOR CRITICISM OF HER OR THE
MONARCHY IN GENERAL.
IT WOULD BE IMPOLITE.
BUT IT'S BEEN TWO MONTHS SINCE
THEN, AND CHARLES IS KING NOW.
AND WHILE, FOR MANY, THE CHARM
OF HIS MOTHER WAS IN HER
LONGEVITY.
SHE WAS THE ONLY SOVEREIGN MOST
BRITONS HAD EVER KNOWN, AND HER
TENDENCY TOWARD SILENCE, YOU
NEVER KNEW WHAT SHE THOUGHT
ABOUT ANYTHING.
NEITHER OF THOSE THINGS ARE TRUE
OF HER SON.
BECAUSE CHARLES -- A MAN WHOSE
FACE ANSWERS THE QUESTION "WHAT
IF TWO COUSINS HAD A KID" -- IS
TAKING THE THRONE AT THE RIPE
AGE OF 73, HE HAD TO PUT IT
MILDLY, AN INCREDIBLY MESSY
DIVORCE, AND HAS BEEN OUTSPOKEN
ON A RANGE OF TOPICS, FROM
ARCHITECTURE, TO THE
ENVIRONMENT, TO HIS BELIEF IN
HOMEOPATHIC MEDICINE, INCLUDING
SUPPORTING A CONTROVERSIAL
CANCER TREATMENT WHICH INVOLVES
13 FRUIT JUICES A DAY, COFFEE
ENEMAS, AND WEEKLY INJECTIONS OF
VITAMINS.
THE POINT IS, HE DOESN'T HAVE
THE INSCRUTABILITY OF HIS
MOTHER, OR ENJOY HER LEVEL OF
PUBLIC AFFECTION.
AND HIS ASCENT TO THE THRONE
COMES AS THE UK'S FACING A
COST-OF-LIVING CRISIS.
ONE MAN EVEN CONFRONTED CHARLES
DIRECTLY ABOUT THIS.
>> CHARLES!
WHILE WE STRUGGLE TO HEAT OUR
HOMES, WE HAVE TO PAY FOR YOUR
PARADE.
>> OH...
>> THE TAXPAYER PAYS
$100 MILLION FOR YOU, WHAT FOR?
>> John: WOW.
THAT BEFUDDLED "OH" FROM HIM
PRETTY MUCH SAYS IT ALL THERE.
BUT THAT WASN'T THE ONLY RECENT
PROTEST.
JUST THIS WEEK, A MAN THREW
MULTIPLE EGGS AT CHARLES ON THE
STREET.
AND WHEN THEY CAUGHT HIM, HE
DIDN'T SEEM THAT SORRY, GIVEN
THIS WAS THE PHOTO FROM HIS
ARREST.
HE WAS RELEASED ON BAIL, WITH
CONDITIONS INCLUDING -- AND THIS
IS TRUE -- NOT BEING ALLOWED TO
BE WITHIN 500 METERS OF THE
KING, AND NOT BEING ALLOWED TO
POSSESS ANY EGGS IN A PUBLIC
PLACE.
WHICH REALLY SHOWS JUST HOW FAR
THE POWER OF THE MONARCHY HAS
FALLEN.
A FEW HUNDRED YEARS AGO, IT
WOULD HAVE BEEN INSTANT
BEHEADING.
NOW THE PUNISHMENT IS "BE
CAREFUL IN THE REFRIGERATED
AISLE."
SO GIVEN THAT CHARLES IS NOW
KING, AND WILL ACTUALLY HAVE A
FORMAL CORONATION NEXT MAY, TO
BE BEAMED BY CAMERAS ALL AROUND
THE WORLD, BEFORE THAT HAPPENS,
WE THOUGHT TONIGHT, IT'D BE
WORTH LOOKING AT THE BRITISH
MONARCHY SPECIFICALLY, TO ASK
WHAT THE POINT OF IT IS, FIRST
IN THE UK, AND THEN IN THE
COUNTRIES AROUND THE WORLD WHERE
THE MONARCH STILL SERVES AS A
FIGUREHEAD.
AND LET'S START WITH THE BASIC
QUESTION OF, "WHAT DOES THE
ROYAL FAMILY DO?"
IT'S SOMETHING THAT EVEN THEY'VE
HAD TROUBLE DEFINING IN THE
PAST, AS THIS CLIP OF
PRINCE PHILIP FROM 1968
DEMONSTRATES.
>> COULD YOU TELL ME WHAT IS
YOUR JOB IN YOUR OWN MIND?
>> WELL, I HAVEN'T GOT ONE.
I'M SELF-EMPLOYED.
>> BUT SURELY, YOU MUST HAVE
SOME CLEAR IDEA OF WHAT ROLE YOU
FULFILL IN MODERN SOCIETY.
>> REALLY DIFFICULT TO ANSWER.
>> John: WOW.
IT'S AMAZING TO WATCH HIM
INITIALLY LAUGH THAT OFF BEFORE
CONSIDERING THE QUESTION AND
FACING SOMETHING OF AN
EXISTENTIAL CRISIS.
BUT SINCE THAT QUESTION SEEMED
TO STUMP HIM, PERHAPS WE CAN
HELP.
UNLIKE IN THE U.S., WHERE THE
HEAD OF GOVERNMENT AND THE HEAD
OF STATE ARE THE SAME PERSON, IN
THE UK, THOSE ARE TWO VERY
DIFFERENT ROLES.
BECAUSE WHILE, FOR CENTURIES,
THE BRITISH MONARCH HAD HUGE
POLITICAL POWER, IT WAS
GRADUALLY STRIPPED AWAY, TO THE
POINT THAT THE POSITION'S NOW
LARGELY SYMBOLIC.
THE MONARCH'S MAIN ROLE, AS HEAD
OF STATE, IS TO RECEIVE INCOMING
AND OUTGOING AMBASSADORS AND
VISITING HEADS OF STATE, AND TO
MAKE VISITS ABROAD.
HERE'S THE QUEEN MEETING
NARENDRA MODI, HERE SHE IS
TAKING A CARRIAGE RIDE WITH
VLADIMIR PUTIN, AND HERE SHE IS
WITH FORMER PRESIDENT TRUMP.
JUST TWO PEOPLE DELIGHTED TO BE
THERE.
YOU DON'T USUALLY SEE A PAIR SO
UNHAPPY WHILE WEARING FANCY
COSTUMES OUTSIDE OF CATS ON
HALLOWEEN.
THERE ARE ALSO SMALLER
RESPONSIBILITIES, LIKE VISITING
FACTORIES AND OPENING THINGS,
AND ALSO -- AND THIS IS TRUE --
SENDING PEOPLE BIRTHDAY CARDS
WHEN THEY TURN 100.
BASICALLY, THINK OF THE ROYALS
AS MICKEY AND MINNIE AT
DISNEYLAND.
THEY'RE NOT RUNNING THE RIDES,
BUT THEY'RE A MASCOT FOR THE
WHOLE OPERATION, AND PEOPLE LIKE
HAVING PICTURES TAKEN WITH THEM.
AND THE FAMILY'S DEFENDERS WILL
SAY THAT THE CEREMONIAL ASPECT
OF THE MONARCHY IS THE WHOLE
POINT.
IN FACT, THE ROYAL FAMILY'S
OFFICIAL WEBSITE DESCRIBES THE
ROLE OF SOVEREIGN AS A FOCUS FOR
NATIONAL IDENTITY, UNITY, AND
PRIDE, AND THAT IT GIVES A SENSE
OF STABILITY AND CONTINUITY.
BUT THAT COMES AT A PRICE.
AS YOU HEARD THAT MAN YELL
EARLIER, BRITONS PAY MILLIONS OF
POUNDS, EVERY YEAR, TO SUPPORT
THE ROYALS.
ALTHOUGH SOME ARGUE, IT'S MONEY
WELL SPENT.
>> INTERESTINGLY, THE BRITISH
STATE GIVES, OR THE GOVERNMENT
GIVES THE ROYAL FAMILY
£100 MILLION PER YEAR, ROUGHLY.
IT'S CALLED THE SOVEREIGN GRANT
TO PAY FOR UPKEEP.
BUT TOURISM GENERATED BY THE
ROYAL FAMILY GENERATES ABOUT 500
MILLION A YEAR.
SO, THAT'S 5-1.
I WOULD TAKE -- I WOULD TAKE
THAT INVESTMENT RETURN.
>> John: YES, DEFENDERS ARGUE
WHATEVER MONEY THE ROYAL FAMILY
COSTS IS VASTLY OUTWEIGHED BY
WHAT THEY BRING IN.
IT'S THE SAME ARGUMENT THOUSANDS
OF MEN HAVE MADE TO THEIR WIVES
ABOUT INVESTING IN CRYPTO.
AND IT'S GOING REALLY WELL FOR
THEM RIGHT NOW!
BUT A FEW THINGS.
FIRST, THE CLAIM THEY BRING IN
$500 MILLION A YEAR IN TOURISM
IS HEAVILY DISPUTED.
AND IT'S NOT LIKE THAT GOES AWAY
IF THE ROYAL FAMILY DOES.
YOU CAN STILL VISIT A PALACE IF
NOBODY LIVES INSIDE IT.
NOBODY SHOWS UP TO VERSAILLES
AND SAYS, "WAIT, NO ONE LIVES
HERE?
IT'S A HARD PASS FOR ME."
AND THE NOTION THAT "THE
MONARCHY ONLY COSTS $100 MILLION
POUNDS" ALSO HAS SOME MAJOR
ASTERISKS ON IT.
BECAUSE WHILE IT'S TRUE THAT, AS
IS OFTEN SAID, THE "SOVEREIGN
GRANT" AMOUNTS TO JUST OVER A
POUND A PERSON IN THE UK, IT'S
BY NO MEANS THE ROYALS' ONLY
SOURCE OF INCOME.
>> THE NEW KING NOW HAS THREE
MAIN SOURCES OF WEALTH, THE
SOVEREIGN GRANT, MONEY THE UK
TREASURY GIVES THE CROWN TO
FULFILL ITS ROYAL DUTIES.
THE FAMILY'S PRIVATE WEALTH, THE
FULL EXTENT A CLOSELY GUARDED
SECRET.
THEN THE DUCHY OF LANCASTER, A
PRIVATE ESTATE OF LAND PROPERTY
AND ASSETS, THE MONARCH RECEIVES
ITS ANNUAL PROFITS.
THE QUEEN RECEIVED $27 MILLION
FROM IT LAST YEAR.
>> John: IT'S TRUE.
THE DUCHY OF LANCASTER IS A
MASSIVE PROPERTY PORTFOLIO,
CONTAINING LAND THAT --
INCIDENTALLY -- WAS SEIZED BY
THE MONARCHY BACK IN THE 13TH
CENTURY, AND FROM WHICH THEY
CONTINUE TO DRAW PERSONAL
PROFITS TO THIS DAY.
SO, AS KING, CHARLES GETS MONEY
FROM THE GOVERNMENT, MONEY
PASSED DOWN THROUGH HIS FAMILY
AND MONEY FROM THE DUCHY OF
LANCASTER.
AND NONE OF THAT INCLUDES THE
DUCHY OF CORNWALL, HELD BY
WHOEVER HOLDS THE TITLE OF
PRINCE OF WALES -- NOW PRINCE
WILLIAM.
THAT'S A SEPARATE BILLION-DOLLAR
REAL ESTATE PORTFOLIO NEARLY THE
SIZE OF CHICAGO, BY THE WAY,
WHICH INCLUDES SEASIDE VACATION
RENTALS, OFFICE SPACE IN LONDON
AND A SUBURBAN SUPERMARKET
DEPOT.
THAT ALONE BROUGHT IN MORE THAN
$56 MILLION IN ADDITIONAL INCOME
FOR THE FAMILY LAST YEAR SO THE
ROYAL FAMILY'S WEALTH -- UNLIKE
THEIR GENE POOL -- IS MASSIVE.
AND WHILE, IN 1993, IN RESPONSE
TO PUBLIC ANGER OVER THEIR
SPENDING, BOTH THE QUEEN AND
CHARLES AGREED TO PAY
"VOLUNTARY" INCOME TAXES, THAT
ARRANGEMENT ISN'T NECESSARILY
PERMANENT.
MEANWHILE, THE TWO DUCHIES ARE
COMPLETELY EXEMPT FROM
CORPORATION TAXES, AND CHARLES
DOESN'T HAVE TO PAY ANY
INHERITANCE TAX ON WHATEVER THE
QUEEN PASSED ON TO HIM.
AND WHEN YOU FACTOR ALL THAT IN
IT SURE STARTS TO FEEL LIKE
THEY'RE COSTING A HELL OF A LOT
MORE THAN JUST A POUND PER
PERSON.
SO, IS IT WORTH IT?
WELL, I THINK MY POSITION ON THE
ROYAL FAMILY IS PRETTY
WELL-DOCUMENTED.
TO ME, THEY'RE LIKE A HUMAN
APPENDIX.
WE'VE LONG EVOLVED PAST NEEDING
THEM, AND THERE'S A COMPELLING
CASE FOR THEIR SURGICAL REMOVAL.
BUT I ADMIT, I'M IN THE MINORITY
WHEN IT COMES TO BRITISH PEOPLE.
MANY FEEL EXACTLY LIKE THIS
WOMAN DOES.
>> I JUST THINK IT'S NICE THAT
WE HAVE IT, AND IT MAKES US A
BIT UNUSUAL.
UNIQUE.
YEAH.
I MEAN, IT'S NICE THAT WE HAVE
IT.
IT'S A BRITISH THING, ISN'T IT?
AND I THINK A LOT OF PEOPLE
WOULD LIKE WHAT WE HAVE.
>> John: OKAY, BUT "IT'S NICE
THAT WE HAVE IT" ISN'T WHAT YOU
SAY ABOUT A FREE-LOADING
MULTIMILLIONAIRE FAMILY EXEMPT
FROM PAYING MOST TAXES, IT'S
WHAT YOU SAY ABOUT A WATER
DISPENSER IN YOUR FRIDGE.
AS FOR BEING "A BRITISH THING,"
THAT'S NOT A GREAT
JUSTIFICATION, EITHER.
YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS A BRITISH
THING?
MUSHY PEAS.
IF YOU'VE NEVER HAD THE
PLEASURE, IMAGINE EMOTIONALLY
UNAVAILABLE GUACAMOLE.
THEY'RE LIKE IF MASHED POTATOES
KILLED THEMSELVES.
BUT THE FACT IS, 67% OF
PEOPLE IN THE UK FEEL THAT THE
MONARCHY SHOULD REMAIN.
SO FOR NOW, IT SEEMS SECURE
THERE.
BUT THAT BRINGS US TO THE SECOND
PART OF THIS STORY.
BECAUSE ABROAD, THEIR ROLE IS A
MUCH MORE OPEN QUESTION.
CHARLES IS NOW HEAD OF THE
COMMONWEALTH OF NATIONS, A
LOOSE ALLIANCE LARGELY COMPOSED
OF FORMER BRITISH COLONIES,
FOURTEEN OF WHICH STILL HAVE THE
BRITISH MONARCH AS THEIR TITULAR
HEAD OF STATE, IN SPITE OF BEING
SELF-RULING NATIONS.
THESE ARE THOSE COUNTRIES.
AND DEBATES HAVE BEEN RAGING FOR
A WHILE IN MANY OF THEM ABOUT
WHAT THE CROWN REPRESENTS.
AS WE MENTIONED BACK IN MARCH,
WILLIAM AND KATE HAD TO CANCEL
THE FIRST STOP ON THEIR ROYAL
TOUR THROUGH THE CARIBBEAN, DUE
TO OVERWHELMING LOCAL PROTESTS.
AND IN AUSTRALIA, IN THE WAKE OF
THE QUEEN'S DEATH, THE WOMEN'S
AUSSIE-RULES FOOTBALL LEAGUE
HELD A MOMENT OF SILENCE FOR
HER, BUT -- GIVEN THEY WERE, BY
COINCIDENCE, IN THE MIDST OF A
TEN-DAY TRIBUTE TO INDIGENOUS
PLAYERS -- THEY OPTED TO NOT DO
THAT FOR THE REST OF THE
MOURNING PERIOD, PROMPTING THIS
MAN TO FREAK OUT.
>> WHAT A DISGRACE.
SERIOUSLY, I MEAN THAT ANY
SPORTING ORGANIZATION IN THIS
COUNTRY WOULD THINK THERE IS ANY
REASON NOT TO HONOR THE QUEEN IS
A JOKE.
AND WHY CAN'T THEY HAVE A
MINUTE'S SILENCE IN INDIGENOUS
WEEK ANYWAY?
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, INDIGENOUS
PEOPLE ARE AUSTRALIAN PEOPLE.
THEY WERE SUBJECTS OF HER
MAJESTY THE QUEEN.
AND YOU CAN
HAVE YOUR ARGUMENTS ABOUT
COLONIALISM OR WHATEVER, BUT THE
QUEEN IN THIS COUNTRY AND FOR
THE WORLD WAS A FORCE FOR GOOD.
>> John: WHAT?
YOU CAN'T JUST GLOSS OVER THE
ENTIRE HISTORY OF COLONIALISM
THERE.
ITS LIKE SAYING, "HAVE ALL THE
ARGUMENTS ABOUT MURDER OR
WHATEVER, BUT AT THE END OF THE
DAY, CHARLES MANSON WAS A FAMILY
MAN."
AND LET'S TALK ABOUT THAT
HISTORY, STARTING IN AUSTRALIA,
WHERE THE INDIGENOUS POPULATION
SUFFERED GREATLY UNDER COLONIAL
RULE.
RESEARCHERS FOUND EVIDENCE FOR,
CONSERVATIVELY, NEARLY 200
MASSACRES OF ABORIGINAL PEOPLE
AT THE HANDS OF THE BRITISH
MILITARY AND COLONIAL POLICE,
AND HUNDREDS MORE BY COLONISTS.
AND WHEN THE QUEEN HERSELF FIRST
VISITED AUSTRALIA IN 1954, FIRST
NATIONS PEOPLE WERE NOT COUNTED
AS PART OF THE POPULATION, AND
CHILDREN WERE STILL BEING
FORCIBLY REMOVED FROM THEIR
FAMILIES TO BE ASSIMILATED INTO
WHITE HOUSEHOLDS.
SO, "HAVE YOUR ARGUMENTS ABOUT
COLONIALISM OR WHATEVER" IS VERY
MUCH WHAT WE SHOULD BE DOING,
NOT GLOSSING OVER IT, AND
FORCING PEOPLE TO MOURN A SYMBOL
OF A PAINFUL PAST.
AND THAT'S JUST AUSTRALIA.
IF YOU REALLY WANT TO TALK ABOUT
"COLONIALISM OR WHATEVER," OR
LITIGATE THE EXTENT TO WHICH THE
QUEEN, OR THE MONARCHY IN
GENERAL, HAS BEEN A GLOBAL FORCE
FOR GOOD, LET'S DO THAT.
AND LET'S START WITH THE FULL
EXTENT TO WHICH THE MONARCHY WAS
INTRICATELY INVOLVED IN THE
TRANSATLANTIC SLAVE TRADE.
>> AFTER BRITAIN INVADED JAMAICA
IN 1655, THE ROYAL AFRICAN
COMPANY WAS SET UP BY ROYAL
CHARTER UNDER KING CHARLES II.
THE RAC WENT ON TO TRANSPORT
MORE ENSLAVED AFRICANS TO THE
AMERICAS THAN ANY OTHER SINGLE
INSTITUTION EVER, LINING THE
POCKETS OF THE STUART MONARCHS.
MANY OF THOSE TRAFFICKED WERE
BRANDED WITH THE INITIALS DY, AS
IN THE DUKE OF YORK, WHO LED THE
COMPANY AND LATER BECAME KING
JAMES II.
>> John: THAT'S TRUE.
THE DIRECT ANCESTORS OF TODAY'S
ROYAL FAMILY WERE INVESTORS IN
THE "ROYAL AFRICAN COMPANY" AND
HAD THEIR INITIALS LITERALLY
BRANDED INTO PEOPLE'S SKIN.
AND BOTH THE TRADE OF ENSLAVED
PEOPLE AND THE HIGH-DEMAND
PRODUCTS THEY PRODUCED, LIKE
SUGAR AND TOBACCO, WENT TO
ENRICHING BRITAIN, STRENGTHENING
ITS EMPIRE, AND BY EXTENSION,
FILLING ROYAL COFFERS.
AND I GET THAT PEOPLE SHOULDN'T
BE HELD PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE
FOR WHATEVER THEIR ANCESTORS
DID, BUT TRYING TO TALK ABOUT
THE BRITISH ROLE IN THE SLAVE
TRADE WITHOUT TALKING ABOUT THE
MONARCHY IS SORT OF LIKE TRYING
TO TALK ABOUT JEFFREY EPSTEIN
WITHOUT TALKING ABOUT THE
MONARCHY.
THEY ARE INEXTRICABLY LINKED,
HOWEVER UNCOMFORTABLE THEY MIGHT
FIND THAT FACT.
YET DESPITE ALL THAT, NO ONE IN
THE ROYAL FAMILY HAS EVER
APOLOGIZED ON BEHALF OF THE
CROWN.
INSTEAD THEY'VE TIPTOED AROUND
CULPABILITY WITH PASSIVE-VOICE
STATEMENTS LIKE PRINCE WILLIAM
SAYING "SLAVERY WAS ABHORRENT,"
OR PRINCE CHARLES GOING TO GHANA
AND SAYING THIS.
>> THE APPALLING ATROCITY OF THE
SLAVE TRADE AND THE UNIMAGINABLE
SUFFERING IT CAUSED LEFT AN
INDELIBLE STAIN ON THE HISTORY
OF OUR WORLD.
WHILE BRITAIN COULD BE PROUD
THAT IT LATER LED THE WAY IN THE
ABOLITION OF THIS SHAMEFUL
TRADE, WE HAVE SHARED A
RESPONSIBILITY-WE HAVE A SHARED
RESPONSIBILITY TO ENSURE THAT
THE ABJECT HORROR OF SLAVERY IS
NEVER FORGOTTEN.
>> John: BUT LISTEN TO THAT, HE
CAN'T EVEN MENTION HOW AWFUL THE
SLAVE TRADE WAS WITHOUT IN THE
SAME BREATH MENTIONING THAT
BRITAIN "LED THE WAY" IN
ABOLISHING IT.
BRITISH PEOPLE LOVE TO TALK
ABOUT THEIR ROLE IN ABOLITION.
BUT CHARLES LEFT A LOT OUT
THERE, INCLUDING THAT, WHILE,
YES, THE BRITISH DID ABOLISH THE
SLAVE "TRADE" IN 1807, IT
ALLOWED PLANTATION SLAVERY TO
PERSIST IN COLONIES FOR DECADES
AFTER, MEANING FULL ABOLITION
DIDN'T FOLLOW FOR ANOTHER
GENERATION.
BUT THE LARGER POINT IS, YOU
CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS.
YOU DON'T GET TO TAKE THE CREDIT
FOR ABOLITION WITHOUT TAKING THE
BLAME FOR WHAT LED UP TO IT.
IF SOMEONE INTENTIONALLY SET
FIRE TO A QUIZNOS, THEN HOURS
LATER PUT THAT FIRE OUT, THEY
WOULDN'T GET TO POST A PICTURE
OF THEMSELVES HOLDING A HOSE
WITH THE CAPTION, "SO I DID A
THING!"
THAT'S NOT THE FULL STORY!
ALSO, FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH, THE
EFFECT OF SLAVERY CLEARLY ISN'T
JUST IN THE PAST.
THE UK WAS PAYING FOR IT -- IN A
VERY LITERAL SENSE -- INCREDIBLY
RECENTLY.
BECAUSE WHEN BRITAIN FINALLY
ABOLISHED SLAVERY IN ITS
COLONIES IN THE 1830S, IT TOOK
OUT A LOAN OF 20 MILLION POUNDS
TO COMPENSATE NOT ENSLAVED
PEOPLE, BUT SLAVE OWNERS, FOR
THE "CONFISCATION OF THEIR
INCOME FROM THEIR PROPERTIES" --
WHICH, TO BE CLEAR,
WAS PEOPLE.
THAT'S ABOUT 17 BILLION POUNDS
IN TODAY'S MONEY, AND UP UNTIL
2015 THE BRITISH STATE WAS STILL
PAYING OFF THE DEBT.
AMAZINGLY, MANY LEARNED ABOUT
THIS FOR THE FIRST TIME WHEN, A
FEW YEARS AGO, THE BRITISH
TREASURY TWEETED, "HERE'S
TODAY'S SURPRISING #FRIDAYFACT
MILLIONS OF YOU HELPED END THE
SLAVE TRADE THROUGH YOUR TAXES."
AND SORRY, BUT THAT'S JUST NOT A
GOOD FRIDAY FACT.
"THE AVERAGE PERSON FARTS
BETWEEN 10 AND 20 TIMES PER
DAY?"
THAT IS PRETTY GOOD.
"FISH CAN COUGH?"
NOW WE'RE TALKING.
"SURPRISE, I KNOW TIMES ARE
TOUGH BUT YOU JUST HELPED PAY
OFF THE FAMILIES OF DEAD
ENSLAVERS?"
NO, ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT.
SAVE THAT SHIT FOR MONDAY, YA
BUZZKILL.
AND FOR ANYONE THINKING, "WELL,
THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN ON THE WATCH
OF THE MODERN MONARCHY," IT'S
WORTH KNOWING, ONE OF THE MOST
BRUTAL ATROCITIES CARRIED OUT BY
THE BRITISH ACTUALLY HAPPENED IN
THE FIRST EIGHT YEARS OF
ELIZABETH'S REIGN, AND WHEN
CHARLES WAS ALIVE.
BECAUSE IN THE 1950S, WHILE
KENYA WAS STILL A BRITISH
COLONY, AN ARMED REBELLION WAS
LAUNCHED BY THE KIKUYU PEOPLE
WHO HAD LOST LAND TO WHITE
SETTLERS, AND FOUND THEMSELVES
LOCKED INTO A FORMAL RACIAL
HIERARCHY THAT PLACED EUROPEANS
ON TOP AND AFRICANS AT THE
BOTTOM.
THE BRITISH SENT ARMY
REINFORCEMENTS TO PUT DOWN THE
SO CALLED "MAU MAU UPRISING," A
DECISION IT DESCRIBED TO THE
WORLD BACK THEN LIKE THIS.
>> AGITATORS URGE SOME OF THE
AFRICANS TO FREE THEIR COUNTRY
OF THE WHITE MAN.
THERE IS LITTLE RELIABLE
INFORMATION ABOUT THE SET-UP OF
THE TERRORIST ORGANIZATION FOR
FEW MEMBERS EVEN KNOW FROM WHOM
THEY TAKE THEIR ORDERS.
THEY OBEY BLINDLY, SAVAGELY
ATTACKING THE DEFENSELESS.
BURNING, LOOTING, MURDERING.
KENYA IS A BATTLEFIELD OF A
CONFLICT THAT CANNOT END UNTIL
THE MAU MAU IS DISSOLVED
FOREVER.
>> John: "OH RIGHT-O!
THE TROUBLE IN KEEN-YA COMES NOT
FROM THE BRITISH WHO TOOK OVER
AND STOLE LAND BUT FROM THE
PEOPLE WHOSE LAND WAS STOLEN!
NOW IS THERE MORE TO THIS STORY?
SURELY!
BUT WILL YOU HEAR IT COME FROM A
VOICE THAT SOUNDS LIKE THIS?
I SAY NEVER!"
NEVER I SAY!
IN CRUSHING THE UPRISING, THE
BRITISH INSTITUTED A SYSTEM OF
DETENTION CAMPS, AND 90,000
KENYANS WERE EXECUTED, TORTURED
OR MAIMED DURING THE CRACKDOWN,
AND AN ESTIMATED 160,000 WERE
DETAINED IN APPALLING
CONDITIONS.
FOR A LONG TIME THE BRITISH MET
OUTCRY OVER THIS WITH A MIXTURE
OF DENIAL AND DEFENSIVENESS.
JUST WATCH THIS INTERVIEW WITH A
FORMER BRITISH COLONIAL OFFICER,
WHO'D BEEN RESPONSIBLE FOR AT
LEAST SIX OF THOSE DETENTION
CAMPS.
WHEN ASKED ABOUT REPORTS THAT
SOLDIERS HAD PUT THEIR FEET ON
THE NECKS OF DETAINEES UNTIL
THEY SCREAMED, HE HAS AN
ESCALATING EXCHANGE CULMINATING
IN THE LONGEST PAUSE YOU'LL EVER
SEE ON TELEVISION.
I'LL WARN YOU -- HOWEVER LONG
YOU THINK THIS PAUSE IS GOING TO
BE, IT'S MUCH LONGER.
>> DID YOU HAVE CAUSE TO GIVE
THE ORDER TO OR YOURSELF PUT
YOUR BOOT ON THEIR NECK OF THESE
RESISTERS, THE ONES THAT WERE
HOWLING?
>> UMM, CAN WE STOP TALKING FOR
A MOMENT?
>> NO, 'CAUSE I'D QUITE LIKE YOU
TO ANSWER THAT.
>> I WILL ANSWER IT WHEN I HAVE
STOPPED TALKING FOR A MOMENT.
I'M SORRY, BUT I -- I --
>> WELL, DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM
WITH THAT QUESTION?
>> NO, IT'S -- IT'S A
HYPOTHETICAL QUESTION.
>> NO, IT'S NOT.
IT'S A VERY PRECISE QUESTION.
>> YOU'VE ASKED ME, "DID I PUT
MY FOOT ON ANYBODY'S NECK?"
NO.
>> DID YOU CAUSE THE ORDER TO BE
GIVEN?
DID YOU GIVE THE ORDER TO DO
THAT?
ARE YOU NOT GOING TO ANSWER THE
QUESTION?
>> NO, I AM LOOKING AT YOU WITH
CERTAIN THOUGHTS IN MY MIND.
>> John: HOLY SHIT!
IF YOU'RE TRYING TO CONCEAL YOUR
ROLE IN SUPERVISING TORTURE,
HERE'S A FEW TIPS: DON'T RESPOND
TO A SIMPLE QUESTION BY TAKING A
FULL 23 SECONDS TO ANSWER.
DON'T THEN ISSUE A VAGUE THREAT
LIKE SOME CARTOON VILLAIN.
AND FINALLY, TRY NOT TO GLARE
MALEVOLENTLY AT THE INTERVIEWER
WITH WHAT I CAN ONLY DESCRIBE AS
"WAR CRIME EYES."
AND JUST TO BE CLEAR, WE DON'T
KNOW WHAT THE QUEEN KNEW.
WHAT SHE'S BRIEFED ON IS KEPT
SECRET, CONVENIENTLY.
BUT WE DO KNOW WHAT WAS DONE IN
HER NAME, BY HER GOVERNMENT.
HER FACE WAS ON THE MONEY IN
KENYA.
WHEN KENYANS' CAPTORS SANG THEIR
NATIONAL ANTHEM, IT WAS A HYMN
TO HER PROTECTION.
AND WE DO KNOW SHE WAS NOT ONLY
CHARACTERISTICALLY SILENT ABOUT
THOSE ATROCITIES
YOU KNOW, IN
THAT CHARMING STYLE EVERYBODY
LOVED -- BUT SHE ALSO AWARDED
THAT MAN AN MBE, ONE OF THE
COUNTRY'S HIGHEST HONORS.
WHICH IS APPALLING, UNLESS THE
"MBE" STANDS FOR "MESSIEST BITCH
EVER," IN WHICH CASE, I GUESS
THAT WOULD BE APPROPRIATE.
AND THAT'S THE THING, IF
YOU'RE THE SYMBOL OF A COUNTRY,
YOU REPRESENT WHAT IT DOES.
AND IT'S REVEALING THAT, EVEN
DECADES LATER, WHEN THE BRITISH
FINALLY AGREED TO PAY
COMPENSATION TO A FRACTION OF
THOSE WHO SUFFERED IN KENYA,
THIS WOMAN WAS CLEAR ABOUT WHO
SHE WANTED TO HEAR FROM.
>> MUTHONI MATHENGE IS ONE OF
THE FEW SURVIVING MAU MAU
INDEPENDENCE FIGHTERS IN KENYA.
BRITAIN HAS APOLOGIZED FOR SOME
ABUSES, BUT MATHENGE DID NOT GET
A COMPENSATION PAID TO OTHER
REBELS.
SHE IS CALLING ON THE QUEEN FOR
HELP BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.
>> LET ELIZABETH BRING WHAT
BELONGS TO ME.
THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO SAY.
NO MIDDLEMEN IN BETWEEN.
LET THE COMPENSATION COME
DIRECTLY TO ME.
SHE SHOULD LOOK FOR A SENSIBLE
PERSON AND SEND IT HERE.
>> John: YEAH, THAT'S
COMPLETELY UNDERSTANDABLE.
PARTICULARLY THE "SEND A
SENSIBLE PERSON" POINT.
BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RE DEALING WITH
THE ROYAL FAMILY, IT'S WORTH
REMEMBER THAT UNLESS YOU
STIPULATE OTHERWISE, YOU COULD
END UP BEING SENT SOMEONE LIKE
THIS.
>> AH!
DIG THAT CRAZY RHYTHM!
>> John: EXACTLY.
AND NOBODY WANTS THAT, NOBODY!
YOU CAN'T SAY YOU'RE JUST A
SYMBOL AND BEAR NO
RESPONSIBILITY FOR HOW THE
INSTITUTIONS YOU'RE THE HEAD OF
BEHAVE.
TAKE THE CHURCH OF ENGLAND, OF
WHICH THE MONARCH IS THE HEAD.
IN CANADA, IT PLAYED A ROLE IN
THEIR SYSTEM OF RESIDENTIAL
SCHOOLS FOR INDIGENOUS CHILDREN,
WHO WERE FORCIBLY SEPARATED FROM
THEIR FAMILIES AND SENT TO
GOVERNMENT-FUNDED, CHURCH-RUN
BOARDING SCHOOLS IN ATTEMPT TO
ASSIMILATE THEM.
HORRIFIC ABUSES HAPPENED IN
THOSE SCHOOLS.
AND WHILE THEY WERE LARGELY RUN
BY THE CATHOLIC CHURCH, THE
CHURCH OF ENGLAND OPERATED
APPROXIMATELY THREE DOZEN OF
THEM, GIVING UP CONTROL OF THE
LAST ONE IN 1969, WHICH IS
PRETTY FUCKING RECENT.
EARLIER THIS YEAR, CHARLES
VISITED CANADA AND MADE A POINT
OF SHOWING UP AT A GARDEN THAT
PAID TRIBUTE TO THE VICTIMS OF
THOSE SCHOOLS.
BUT WHEN IT CAME TO SHOWING
REMORSE FOR WHAT HAD HAPPENED,
THAT SEEMED TO BE OFF THE TABLE.
BECAUSE JUST LISTEN TO ONE
INDIGENOUS LEADER WHO BRIEFLY
SPOKE WITH CHARLES THAT DAY
DESCRIBE THEIR ENTIRE EXCHANGE.
>> HE DID SAY, "I HOPE WE
WEREN'T TOO BAD ON YOU."
I DIDN'T GET A CHANCE TO RESPOND
SO HE MOVED ON.
THE PRINCE, WHILE LEADING THIS
COUNTRY, HE SHOULD APOLOGIZE TO
THE ABORIGINAL PEOPLE FOR THIS
TRAUMA THAT WE'VE GONE THROUGH
FOR 500 YEARS.
>> John: WOW.
"I HOPE WE WEREN'T TOO BAD ON
YOU," HE SAID, BEFORE WALKING
AWAY.
WHICH I KNOW SEEMS BAD, BUT AS A
SYMBOL OF BRITAIN, IT'S PRETTY
ON-BRAND HONESTLY.
"YOU KEEP CALM.
AND IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'LL
CARRY ON."
AND LOOK, I KNOW, ACROSS
COMMONWEALTH COUNTRIES, THERE
ARE A RANGE OF VIEWS, ESPECIALLY
AMONG THE OLDER GENERATION --
AS, INCREDIBLY, EVEN SOME WHO
SUFFERED UNDER BRITISH RULE CAN
FEEL STRONG AFFECTION FOR THE
QUEEN PERSONALLY, EVEN IF THEY
DIDN'T LOVE WHAT SHE
REPRESENTED.
AND SOME ARGUE, "IF THE ROYAL
FAMILY'S JUST CEREMONIAL NOW,
WHERE'S THE REAL HARM?"
BUT THE CEREMONIAL CAN STILL
HAVE THE POWER TO INFURIATE.
AND TO SEE THAT, LET'S GO BACK
TO AUSTRALIA.
BECAUSE SHORTLY BEFORE THE QUEEN
DIED, LIDIA THORPE, AN
INDIGENOUS AUSTRALIAN SENATOR
WAS TAKING THE OATH OF OFFICE,
WHICH REQUIRED HER TO SWEAR
ALLEGIANCE TO THE QUEEN.
SOMETHING SHE UNDERSTANDABLY HAD
A BIT OF A PROBLEM WITH, SO THIS
IS WHAT SHE DID.
>> PLEASE RECITE THE AFFIRMATION
ON THE CARD HANDED TO YOU.
>> I, SOVEREIGN LIDIA THORPE, DO
SOLEMNLY AND SINCERELY AFFIRM
AND DECLARE THAT I WILL BE
FAITHFUL, AND I BEAR TRUE
ALLEGIANCE TO THE COLONIZING HER
MAJESTY QUEEN ELIZABETH II.
>> SENATOR THORPE -- SENATOR
THORPE, YOU ARE REQUIRED TO
RECITE THE OATH AS PRINTED ON
THE CARD.
>> John: YEAH, THEY ACTUALLY
FORCED HER TO READ WHAT WAS
PRINTED ON THE CARD, VERBATIM.
SO SHE DID THAT, BUT CREDIT TO
HER -- BECAUSE SHE THEN EMPLOYED
A TONE OF VOICE THAT DID A "LOT"
OF HEAVY LIFTING.
>> I, LIDIA THORPE, DO SOLEMNLY
AND SINCERELY AFFIRM AND DECLARE
THAT I WILL BE FAITHFUL AND BEAR
TRUE ALLEGIANCE TO HER MAJESTY
QUEEN ELIZABETH II, HER HEIRS,
AND SUCCESSORS ACCORDING TO LAW.
>> John: OKAY, I HATE THAT SHE
WAS FORCED TO DO THAT, BUT I
ABSOLUTELY LOVE THE WAY SHE WAS
ABLE TO MAKE A PLEDGE TO A FANCY
OLD LADY ON THE OTHER SIDE OF
THE WORLD SOUND EXACTLY AS
STUPID AS IT FUCKING IS.
AND LOOK, TO GO BY RECENT POLLS,
AUSTRALIA -- LIKE THE UK --
SEEMS UNLIKELY TO LET GO OF THE
MONARCHY ANYTIME SOON.
BUT OTHER COMMONWEALTH COUNTRIES
ARE ALREADY PREPARING TO DO SO.
LAST YEAR, BARBADOS REMOVED THE
QUEEN AS HEAD OF STATE.
JAMAICA IS LOOKING TO HAVE A
REFERENDUM TO DO THE SAME WITHIN
THE NEXT THREE YEARS, WITH ONE
POLL SHOWING A MAJORITY SUPPORTS
IT.
AND ANTIGUA AND BARBUDA, GRENADA
AND BELIZE SEEM TO BE MOVING IN
THE SAME DIRECTION.
AND WHILE THE ROYAL FAMILY'S
SAID THESE COUNTRIES ARE FREE TO
LEAVE IF THEY SO CHOOSE, THEY
ALSO REFUSE TO RECKON WITH WHY
THEY MIGHT WANT TO DO THAT IN
THE FIRST PLACE.
INSTEAD, THEY'VE CONTINUED
WORKING HARD TO BE PERCEIVED AS
A MERE "SYMBOL," WHILE NEVER
TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT
THAT SYMBOL EXCUSED -- ALL WHILE
IGNORING CALLS FOR TRUE
APOLOGIES AND REPARATIONS TO
THOSE WHO SUFFERED TREMENDOUSLY
BECAUSE OF WHAT WAS DONE IN
THEIR NAME.
AND LOOK, YOU DON'T HAVE TO HATE
THE ROYAL FAMILY PERSONALLY.
I MEAN, GOOGLE "PRINCE PHILIP
RACISM" OR "PRINCE ANDREW
EVERYTHING" AND SEE WHERE YOU
LAND.
YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO THINK THE
INSTITUTION SHOULDN'T EXIST.
BUT IF IT'S GOING TO, IT'S FAIR
TO EXPECT SIGNIFICANTLY MORE
FROM THEM.
BECAUSE RIGHT NOW, FAR TOO
OFTEN, THEY HIDE BEHIND THE
SHIELD OF POLITENESS AND
MANNERS, WHICH FREQUENTLY
DEMANDS THE SILENCE OF ANYONE
WHO MIGHT CRITICIZE THEM, OR
WHAT THEY STAND FOR.
WILL THIS SEGMENT EVEN AIR ON
SKY IN BRITAIN?
I DUNNO.
MAYBE.
MAYBE NOT.
BUT IF THEY DO CUT IT FOR BEING
DISRESPECTFUL, THEY MIGHT WANT
TO THINK ABOUT WHY.
WHY THEY, AND EVERYONE ELSE, ARE
WORKING SO HARD NOT TO OFFEND A
FAMILY WHOSE NAME WAS BRANDED
INTO PEOPLE'S SKIN, AND WHO SIT
ATOP A PILE OF STOLEN WEALTH,
WEARING CROWNS ADORNED WITH
OTHER COUNTRIES' TREASURES.
AND IF THERE'S AN ANSWER TO
THAT, I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR IT,
THOUGH IF HISTORY IS ANY GUIDE,
I'M GUESSING I'M JUST GOING TO
GET AN ICY STARE WHILE YOU THINK
CERTAIN THOUGHTS IN YOUR HEAD.
BUT I REALLY HOPE THEY DON'T CUT
THIS PIECE.
PARTLY BECAUSE THIS IS A
LONG OVERDUE CONVERSATION THAT
NEEDS TO BE HAD, AND PARTLY
BECAUSE NO AUDIENCE DESERVES TO
BE SUBJECTED TO 25 MINUTES OF
THIS.
♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[LAUGHTER]
♪ ♪
>> John: THAT'S OUR SHOW.
THANKS SO MUCH FOR WATCHING.
WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!
GOOD NIGHT!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪
>> I DON'T THINK I'M GOING TO