Which celebrity likes their dumps like a truck?
Is it "A," Jerry Seinfeld,
"B," Sugar Ray,
"C," Sisqó,
or "D," Frankie Muniz?
Muniz is a sedan man.
"C," Sisqó.
And you're correct.
The answer is "C," Sisqó!
Dad, you got it right.
And not just because the answer's always "C."
I really knew it.
You should be on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire."
No, they'd never pick me for TV.
I got the hair, but not the pull.
But Mommy was on "Wheel of Fortune."
Oh, Evan.
You need to stop comparing my life to your father's.
Besides, the Wheel takes physical skill.
"Millionaire" is just knowing lots of stuff.
She's got you there, Pops.
Eh, your mom's right.
There's no way they'd select me.
I'd have to call in, pass the screening process,
then out of thousands and thousands of callers,
be one out of only ten chosen.
I'm sorry, boys, but there's no chance
that I can make it on the show.
I made it on the show.
I made it on the show!
Hello, Regis.
Hello, Louis. You made it.
It's time to play "Who Wants to be a Millionaire."
Those nervous gulps are good.
Keep them up.
Adds to the tension.
Oh.
Sync and corrections by btsix www.addic7ed.com
♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪
♪ If you don't know, homey, now you know ♪
♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ Homey, you don't know where I come from ♪
♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪
♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪
Before we begin, how about you introducing yourself to America?
Oh, uh, hi.
Uh, my name is Louis Huang.
I'm a father to three boys,
lover of sunflower seeds in salads......
Really? No mention of...
...and a husband to a smart and beautiful wife.
Well, at least he got one answer right.
And what do you do for work, Lou?
Oh, I'm a, uh, business consultant
and owner of, uh, Cattleman's Ranch,
located just off I-4 in East Orlando.
Wow. A double threat.
Like my girl, Kathie Lee.
Well, actually, I couldn't do it without my oldest son, Eddie.
Uhhh, disaster. Look at these spots.
We got to throw these out before they infect the knives.
Dude, chill.
You just gotta add rinse agent to the dishwasher.
This is what brought down the Sizzler in my hometown.
Good work, Eddie.
Way to protect that silver.
I got you, Dad.
Eyes on the coin.
In fact, I went through the books,
and our profits are up 10%.
Really? How?
I-I mean, good.
I saw that if we cut back on the garnishes,
we can save three cents per plate.
And also I gave the staff some new incentives.
- Like what? - Well, every time
a table orders more than four appetizers,
I perform my patented belly-roll for them.
Oh, smart.
I am loving this initiative, Eddie.
Thanks, Dad. I know you've been so busy with consulting,
so I've been upping my game.
I am down for that.
Oh.
Eddie, we got a fifth app over here.
Give me a second, Dad.
I gotta do my thing.
Abs and apps!
So, Louis, you ready to play?
You bet your ass I am!
Family show, and away we go!
Oh.
Wow. Regis Philbin.
Regis "I Can Smile While I Talk" Philbin.
Did you know he's spent more hours on screen
than anybody in history?
Sitting in front of a camera is not an achievement.
You know who else does that?
Newborns and safari animals.
Both surprisingly lazy.
Lazy?
You spend three nights stalking prey
through the Serengeti.
Serengeti.
Enough distractions.
I need to focus to prevent your father
from losing a million dollars.
I'm going to signal to him the answers,
but he's terrible at charades.
The only sign he knows is the hand phone.
Between your dad and security confiscating my purse snacks,
we're off to a rough start.
Apparently, your idol Regis can't "work"
if there's a crunch sound in the audience.
As a fellow actor, I get it.
You need quiet to focus on your craft.
Craft? This is just reading words out loud.
You have three lifelines...
50:50, Ask-the-Audience, and Phone-a-Friend,
where you can call anyone for help.
I already got my guy.
Got my encyclopedias, got my phone.
I should practice.
Quick, Grandma, say a word.
Something PG.
Garfield.
Mm...
Ah.
Garfield, James A.
20th President of the United States.
Garfield, grumpy comic strip cat.
Fastest book hands in the East.
All I have to is keep the phone lines clear
and I'll be... Hi, I'm Alistair Cain the Science Brain,
and for the next hour only,
you can call and ask me any science question you want.
All proceeds go to Florida Public Television.
The conversation will be electric.
Ooh.
Alistair Cain the Science Brain?
He's the only person in the world with a PhD
and a Florida Kids' Choice Award.
Why now?
I could ask him to peer review
my fruit fly project for the science fair.
I would like to peer review his buns.
Great. Let's play "Millionaire."
First question is always a gimme.
Little cookie for the dum-dums.
Louis, for $100,
at what temperature does water boil?
"A," 32 degrees Fahrenheit,
"B," 0 degrees Celsius,
"C," 100 degrees Celsius,
or "D," the temperature of the sun?
Oh, God. Which is it?
Emery, quick, what's the temperature of the sun?
Think, Louis. You know this.
Did you guys not hear the kettle?
It's been at 100 degrees Celsius for three minutes.
Grandma's teaching me to make bao zi.
It's sick! Look!
Perfect consistency,
like a lamb's scrotum.
Okay, Ma.
Eddie, you've shown a lot of devotion to cooking lately.
Taking notes? And footnotes?
Grandma's never written down a recipe,
so I thought it'd be good to get them down in case sh...
Just in case.
You know, if you keep up this initiative,
I may pass the restaurant on to you one day.
Really? You'll hand me the baton?
I didn't do rhythmic gymnastics in college for nothing.
Well, I know it's not the sun.
How do you know that? Call Evan.
Regis, I'm gonna go with "C," 100 degrees Celsius.
Final answer.
You're heating up, Louis,
because that's correct.
Whoa!
Whew!
How did I not know that?
Maybe you got stage fright.
It's normal for amateur thespians.
No, you know what it is?
My stolen purse almonds.
I can't think without my Omega-6s.
Or is it Omega-3s?
Ah, I need my healthy fats.
Louis Huang just won $100,
and we'll be right back after this.
That's a break, everyone.
I need to find a vending machine
before your father loses all our money.
I'll go with you. I want to drop off my headshots
around the studio.
"Brooding" for drama.
And "wacky" for comedy.
What took you so long?
This nut bag got stuck in the coil,
and I had to spend another 35 cents to get it out.
We're here to win a million dollars,
not $999,999 and 30 cents.
Wow. Great math, Mom.
Those nuts really helped.
I'm back, baby.
Sorry, ma'am.
No re-entry once you leave the stage.
What? We can't go back in?
Hold on. I've got a "shocked" in here somewhere.
Oh, no. The rest of these are just "flirty playful."
Oh, I love a fresh powder.
I feel like Marie Antoinette.
So, a steakhouse, eh, Lou?
With all the grills, it must get hot.
Steaming hot, Regis.
Eddie: Dad, check it out.
I put some burger pieces
inside the bao from Grandma's recipe.
Half Chinese, half American.
A fusion dish I call the Cow Bao.
Nice name. Rhyme time is dine time.
You mentioned how much you liked me taking initiative.
I love it. I thought we could put this on the menu.
No, absolutely not.
Just so you know, your chair can spin.
Mine can't. They put a lock on it.
Otherwise, I'd be doing 360s all day.
I got the wiggles.
Whoa!
It does spin.
Alright, Louis,
for $1,000,
what is the common phrase for lateral epicondylitis?
- Ohh. - "A," Tennis Elbow,
"B," Captain's Knee,
"C," Horizontal Dinosaur,
or "D," Hangover?
Lateral epicondylitis? I've heard that term before.
Wait, Dad, I thought you wanted me to step up.
What's wrong with putting my Cow Bao on the menu?
I don't want to mess with what's working.
Cattleman's has been around for five years now.
Well, you know what's been around for longer than five years?
China. Thousands of years of history,
which, if you believe her stories,
Grandma's been around for half of.
Eddie, we're a Western steakhouse.
An Asian fusion dish isn't our brand.
Come on, Dad. I thought you wanted
to pass me the restaurant baton.
You're kinda being a control freak.
No, I'm not being a control freak.
It's just that running a restaurant is a business.
Every menu item has been thoroughly researched
and taste-tested, mostly by you.
I have a photographic tongue.
I remember every taste.
Eddie, I love your enthusiasm,
but if you're gonna take over the restaurant,
there's an entire business side you have to learn.
I hear you, Pops.
Trent, what's with the wing?
Sorry, boss. I don't think I can work today.
Lateral epicondylitis.
- Ooh. - Bummer.
What's lateral epicurious?
Tennis elbow.
I tried to wrestle the remote from Trish
and, well, here we are... Lateral epicondylitis.
Trent, you hefty matchstick, you better be right.
Uh, lateral epicondylitis is "A," Tennis Elbow.
Final answer.
Are you Serena Williams?
Because you aced it!
Whoo!
Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo!
We gotta get in there.
You go left, I'll go right.
He'll take one us, but the survivor
will always remember the other.
I've got a better idea.
We're gonna act our way in.
Me? Act?
I am no monkey.
Honestly, Mom, I'm surprised you're not
more on board with acting.
It's basically manipulation.
You bought yourself five seconds. Go.
You put on a performance and control the audience...
Manipulation.
Okay, let's act our way in.
I may have to smile. Don't be alarmed.
So, I need to call Alistair Cain the Science Brain,
but I have to keep the line open in case Dad calls.
So, can I use your phone?
Yeah, sure. But remember this
next time I want to borrow one of your belts.
Hey, kid. Think fast.
Oh, man.
Just what the world needs... Another indoor kid.
Wait, which one is ours?
Why are these phones identical?
Oh, your mom found a killer two-for-one deal
on cordless phones.
She got them and gave me one...
for $5 off full price.
Why is Mommy such a genius?
Louis, for $8,000,
how many hearts does an octopus have?
Is it "A," two,
"B," three,
"C," eight,
or "D," 30?
Where have I seen an octopus?
An octopus has three hearts,
so it represents the three loves of my life...
My son, CB radio, and octopus.
That's very strange, Chestnut.
Oh, uh, lower back tattoos
were actually very masculine in the '80s.
They called them "champ stamps."
Pops, I thought about what you said
and did some research on why the Cow Bao
will work at Cattleman's.
It's the year 2000.
Fusion is hot right now.
There's a 63% uptick in Asian cuisine popularity.
People are learning that dumplings
aren't just a term of endearment.
You ran these numbers?
I did. You know how we cut our square burger patties
to make them circles?
We can use the corner meat for the Cow Bao.
We're literally cutting corners.
Okay, but this is a big swing, Eddie.
I'm not sure our clientele will be able to adjust.
I thought the same thing.
So I put it to the test.
How much are these Cow Baos?
$10? $20?
I'd pay a hundred.
This is gold.
Fusion, huh?
I feel so cultured.
The bun catches the meat juice,
and the name catches my imagination.
Gotta put this on the menu, boss.
Okay, sure. Why not? Let's add it.
♪ Yeah ♪
To think, this all started
with a little bit of meat that fell on the floor.
Louis, we need an answer.
How many hearts does an octopus have?
Oh, uh, sorry.
Um... "B," three.
Final answer.
This guy might have three brains because...
he's right!
Wow.
Just follow my lead.
Oh, hi, there, Ronnie.
It's just me, old tired lighting technician, Gary.
I need to go back there and fix spotlight 43.
43?
She's trouble, man.
Alright, come in.
Uh, w-who's your friend here?
My colleague, Esther.
She grew up on a soybean farm and...
Colleague? No, no.
I am the boss.
What George was saying...
- Gary. - ...was a lie.
He's my assistant.
I don't have colleagues.
I have employees.
Employees who lie.
What are you doing?
Acting.
I changed the script because it's not believable
that we're colleagues. I birthed you.
He was about to let us in.
Was he?
Honestly, I don't know why you like acting so much.
It's fun.
It's a waste of time.
Oh. Okay.
Sorry, Ronnie, I just need to get back there
and fix 43 before it becomes a problem for Regis.
Oh, man, this is light 64 all over again.
Come on in. Yeah.
Hey, wait.
What about her?
She's not with me.
George, wait!
Okay, Marvin's gonna call
from the cellular phone in his car,
and then we'll know which phone is which.
Dad? Regis?
It's Marvin
on the car phone, with my car Scotch.
Sounds like your problem.
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Hey.
Better do a quick test and see if the "Millionaire" lifeline
is still getting a signal.
Here's my question, Science Brain...
That globe work on your man parts?
Uh...
Mm, question answered.
Grandma, get off the phone.
After a quick break, Louis will be going for $32,000.
Break time.
Hey, since we have a second here,
let's meet your family.
Oh, sure thing.
They're right over, uh...
Eddie, come here.
Oh, Louis, is this your father?
I'm kidding.
So tall.
You must be Eddie.
You help at the restaurant.
Sure do, Mr... Reeg.
We've got a new fusion dish I've been working on.
It's a steamed bun with burger meat inside it...
The Cow Bao. Wow.
I'm hungry for a Cow Bao now.
Maybe you can mention it on air.
I love it.
The filler they write for me is garbage.
Oh, no, that's too kind. We don't need you to do that.
But it'd be great publicity.
How many people watch this show?
About 28 million.
- What? - Daaamn!
Dad, come on.
Uh, better to just keep our heads down
and let our food do the talking.
We don't want to over-promise.
Why not?
I don't want to false advertise.
How is it false advertising?
Because it's not going on the menu.
What?
So I was right. You are a control freak!
No, I just don't want some dumb Chinese dish on our menu.
And, uh, we're back.
Folks, due to some technical difficulties
that don't involve contestants and their sons,
we'll return after this.
Now, there's nothing more important
than a parent-child relationship,
so I want you two to figure this out.
You've got 90 seconds.
I don't get it.
Are you ashamed of Chinese food?
Of our culture?
No, of course not. It's just...
I thought you were being a control freak,
but it's even worse than that.
You're a sellout.
I'm sorry.
This can't be done.
Ronnie, look at me.
Do you like salty snacks?
Let me in, and we'll talk.
I can't.
Fixed the light, but Regis needs you
to bounce a guy in Section G.
Crunchy snacks. I'll cover for you.
My God.
Thanks for coming back to get me. Let's go.
No, I came back because I wanted to talk.
Fun fact... you can talk anywhere. Now let's go.
I'll only let you in if you admit
acting is not a waste of time.
It means a lot to me, Mom. Really.
Acting is not a waste of time.
Then why do you always insult it?
I guess I never liked you acting
because... well, I never liked it.
To me, acting is just people lying,
which my father did too much of when I was growing up.
He would disappear for months on end,
only to return smelling like women's perfume
and cheap booze.
How could he do that to Mom, to all of us?
I never knew that.
That's because I made it up.
Did you just... manipulate me?
No, I just acted you.
Truth is, I know how many people
try to make it as an actor and fail,
and I don't want you to go through that.
But if you decide acting's what you want,
I can act like I'm okay with it.
Colleague Gary.
Thanks, Esther.
It's good to have fake names
should your father embarrass us out there.
Louis, let's tackle a problem I can actually solve.
Are you really ashamed to serve Chinese food?
No, of course not.
I guess it goes back to when
I was first starting my restaurant.
Another strip club, closed.
It's a shame.
They had a great iceberg wedge.
Anyway, thought it'd be great for your restaurant.
Mm. I don't know. I...
Uh, I know what you're thinking, and I already checked.
The poles are not structural.
Then I guess it could work.
I'm really gonna start a restaurant.
What are you gonna call it?
Chinese Wok? Bamboo Gardens?
Uh, why would you assume...
No, you're right. Terrible pitches.
No... Ooh! Wok Gardens?
No. Garden Bamboo.
I am not opening a Chinese restaurant.
I am opening the most American of all restaurants...
A western-themed steakhouse.
Yee-haw! I love it.
So, are the fortune cookies gonna look like
little cowboy hats?
I'm not a sellout.
I didn't want people to assume I'd open a Chinese restaurant
just because I'm Chinese.
I'm American, too. So are my boys.
I want them to know they're more than just one thing.
Seems like Eddie got the message.
What do you mean?
Your boy's making Chinese cheeseburgers.
He's embracing being Chinese and American.
A fusion.
Thanks for the talk, Regis.
That's why Regis asks the questions.
We're back.
Louis, next question is for $32,000.
What part of a computer processes memory?
Is it "A," monitor,
"B," RAM,
"C," hard drive,
or "D," gizmos?
Mm. Well, I know monitors, RAMs, and gizmos are all animals,
so... I might need some help on this.
Regis, I'd like to use my Phone-a-Friend
to call my son.
Grandma Jenny Huang, get off the phone!
Shh! I stole this from your mother.
Thank God you're off the phone,
'cause Dad could call any second.
Hello, Regis,
you're the best part of my morning!
Hi, I'm a producer at Warner Bros.
Calling for Emery Huang?
We got his "brooding" headshot
and want him to audition for a "Harry Potter" movie.
No, I'm trying to play "Millionaire"!
Never call again!
My oldest son, Eddie Huang.
Eddie, I'm sorry.
I'm not ashamed of being Chinese.
When I started the restaurant, I wanted to be seen as American,
but now I realize it doesn't have to be one or the other,
and that's a lesson you didn't even have to learn,
and that makes me happy.
When the time comes,
I'd be honored if you took over Cattleman's Ranch.
Which is located off the I-4 in East Orlando.
And now proudly serves the Cow Bao.
Louis, beautiful.
Just beautiful.
You have five seconds left.
Oh, um... Eddie, what do you think?
It's as you said, Dad... The answer is always "C."
Thanks, son.
Regis, "C," hard drive. Final answer.
Oh, Lou.
I've enjoyed our time together,
but the answer is...
"B," RAM.
But hey, more important than winning $32,000
is winning back your son, right?
- Totally. - Totally.
I can't believe you used your lifeline on Eddie.
His crowning achievement is sneezing and farting
at the same time and then calling it a "snart."
Sorry for losing a million dollars, guys.
You were nowhere near a million.
Don't worry, Louis. Money isn't everything.
Acting?
Acting.
Seven orders of Cow Baos.
Eddie, you owe us a belly roll later.
Please, because Chestnut's been filling in.
You ordered the turf. I'm providing the surf.
Here you go.
Phone call for you, Grandma H.
Hello?
Jenny, I'm outside.
I got the globe.
Sync and corrections by btsix www.addic7ed.com