(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
CATES: Thomas! Have a care there.
Especially today.
Every four years, there is a Battle of the Butlers competition.
I am the master of ceremonies.
So, you must carry the day for the house of Postlewaite.
I suggest you commence traing.
I highly recommend this book.
Good luck, old boy.
(NARRATOR READING)
(GULPS)
(NARRATOR READING)
NARRATOR: What to watch for. Butlers are known for keeping things on an even keel.
Any slip-up is an opportunity.
(CRASHES)
NARRATOR: A waxed floor presents no obstacle for a skilled butler.
Sure-footed and graceful, he crosses the room like a swan in flight.
(CRASHES)
(GLASS CRACKING)
NARRATOR: Or not.
(NARRATOR READING)
NARRATOR: What is composure?
(SIGHS) I knew you'd ask.
An even temper.
A true butler never loses his cool.
(SCREAMS)
NARRATOR: No threat or discomfort will deter him from a stiff upper lip.
No distraction,
no irritation nor minor annoyance can throw him off in the slightest.
(NARRATOR READING)
NARRATOR: Glue. Gluing skills can hide a host of missteps and errors.
(TIMER TICKING)
NARRATOR: A simple bottle of glue in the right hands will triumph.
(CUP SHATTERS)
(TIMER TICKING)
(TIMER DINGS)
(CUP SHATTERS)
CATES: Thank you for joing us for the Battle of the Butlers.
Pardon me. Excuse me. Beg pardon. Look out. Hey, coming through.
Oh, these?
A little last minute grooming.
We begin the tournament with the first event.
Uniform inspection. (CLAPS)
Attention. (CLAPS)
(CATES CLAPS)
Well done.
-(CATES CLAPS) -(ALL GASP)
What in the world?
Oh, this is a first.
Never before have we lost so many so early
for such indecent attire.
We are tied at one point each.
Guess it's me against you, old buddy.
May the best man win.
(LAUGHING)
And now, the traditional time-honored competion,
hurling the unwanted house guest from the foyer.
(GRUNTS)
Yes!
Ladies and gentlemen,
we've come to the great equalizer.
I give you the Battle of the Butlers obstacle course.
May the fullest teacup win.
(ALL GASP)
WOMAN: Oh, dear. MAN: My word.
Have no fear, ladies and gentlemen.
There is a contingency for just this sort of thing.
(MUTTERING) Ah! Here it is.
The contestants have exactly 30 seconds
to reassemble their tea services with glue.
(TIMER TICKING)
(TIMER DINGS)
-(ALL GASP) -(MAN TUTS)
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)
Allow me to escort you off the premises.
And to the winner go the spoils.
Thomas, I present to you a coupon.
This coupon is good for one full half-day off.
Free from your duties to Postlewaite Manor.
Quite! Ha! Well done, Thomas!
Now, hop to and tidy up this mess, eh?
What, what?
(STAMMERING) Of all the unmitigated cheek!
Well played, old bean.
NARRATOR: A butler who thrives is a butler who survives.
That is what the smartest butlers know.