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(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
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CATES: Thomas!
Have a care there.
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Especially today.
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Every four years,
there is a Battle of
the Butlers competition.
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I am the master of ceremonies.
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So, you must carry
the day for the
house of Postlewaite.
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I suggest you
commence traing.
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I highly recommend this book.
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Good luck, old boy.
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(NARRATOR READING)
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(GULPS)
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(NARRATOR READING)
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NARRATOR: What to watch for.
Butlers are known for keeping
things on an even keel.
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Any slip-up is an opportunity.
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(CRASHES)
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NARRATOR: A waxed floor
presents no obstacle
for a skilled butler.
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Sure-footed and graceful,
he crosses the room
like a swan in flight.
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(CRASHES)
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(GLASS CRACKING)
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NARRATOR: Or not.
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(NARRATOR READING)
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NARRATOR: What is composure?
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(SIGHS) I knew you'd ask.
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An even temper.
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A true butler
never loses his cool.
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(SCREAMS)
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NARRATOR: No threat or
discomfort will deter him
from a stiff upper lip.
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No distraction,
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no irritation nor minor
annoyance can throw
him off in the slightest.
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(NARRATOR READING)
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NARRATOR: Glue.
Gluing skills can hide a host
of missteps and errors.
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(TIMER TICKING)
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NARRATOR: A simple
bottle of glue in the
right hands will triumph.
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(CUP SHATTERS)
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(TIMER TICKING)
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(TIMER DINGS)
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(CUP SHATTERS)
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CATES: Thank you
for joing us for
the Battle of the Butlers.
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Pardon me. Excuse me.
Beg pardon. Look out.
Hey, coming through.
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Oh, these?
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A little last minute grooming.
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We begin the tournament
with the first event.
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Uniform inspection.
(CLAPS)
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Attention.
(CLAPS)
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(CATES CLAPS)
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Well done.
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-(CATES CLAPS)
-(ALL GASP)
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What in the world?
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Oh, this is a first.
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Never before have we
lost so many so early
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for such indecent attire.
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We are tied at one point each.
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Guess it's me against
you, old buddy.
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May the best man win.
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(LAUGHING)
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And now, the traditional
time-honored competion,
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hurling the unwanted
house guest from the foyer.
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(GRUNTS)
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Yes!
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Ladies and gentlemen,
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we've come to
the great equalizer.
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I give you the Battle of
the Butlers obstacle course.
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May the fullest
teacup win.
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(ALL GASP)
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WOMAN: Oh, dear.
MAN: My word.
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Have no fear,
ladies and gentlemen.
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There is a contingency
for just this sort of thing.
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(MUTTERING) Ah! Here it is.
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The contestants have
exactly 30 seconds
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to reassemble their
tea services with glue.
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(TIMER TICKING)
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(TIMER DINGS)
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-(ALL GASP)
-(MAN TUTS)
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(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)
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Allow me to escort you
off the premises.
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And to the winner
go the spoils.
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Thomas, I present
to you a coupon.
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This coupon is good for
one full half-day off.
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Free from your duties
to Postlewaite Manor.
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Quite! Ha!
Well done, Thomas!
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Now, hop to and tidy up
this mess, eh?
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What, what?
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(STAMMERING) Of all
the unmitigated cheek!
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Well played, old bean.
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NARRATOR: A butler who thrives
is a butler who survives.
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That is what the
smartest butlers know.