- I'm really glad I tried being with a girl.
It was such an enlightening experience for me,
you know, sexually and spiritually.
I feel like I learned a lot about myself.
- What did you learn?
- I like a dick. I do.
I--you know, it was great
when she was going down on me,
but you're already so good at that,
that at a certain point, I was like,
"Okay, penis please."
But her kissing, wow.
She was a revelation.
- Revelation? - Oh, yeah.
It was a whole other level.
- Other level different? Higher?
- Oh, God, way higher.
She knows what girls like.
Or at least she knows what this girl likes.
- Jeez, why didn't you tell me how bad I was?
- No, you're not bad.
It's just she's insanely good.
- Well, that's totally unfair,
'cause she's got gorgeous lips.
I got thin lips.
- God, she does have gorgeous lips.
They're like soft, juicy, luscious pillows.
- Christ, I got to start using Chapstick.
- Babe, babe, this is an area you can't compete on.
She is a gorgeous girl who kisses other gorgeous girls
all the time; she's like the gorgeous girl whisperer.
- Well, I want to be the best kisser you ever had.
- Oh.
- I want to start kissing you like a lesbian lover.
- Ew!
- Well, I thought that's what you want.
- No, I want you to kiss like a guy
who learned how to kiss like a lesbian.
- Jesus Christ, how am I gonna do that?
- I'll take mental notes the next few times I kiss Davvy.
We're gonna pretend to be a lesbian couple
for a little while. - Why?
- Because she has 47,000 followers on Instagram.
That's why.
I want waffles.
You want waffles?
Please take me.
- ♪ Sex and drugs and rock and roll ♪
♪ All right ♪
♪ ♪
♪ All right ♪
♪ 'Cause I don't want to die ♪
♪ Anonymous ♪
♪ No, no ♪
♪ ♪
- ♪ We ♪
♪ Never got control ♪
♪ Lost the whole damn world ♪
♪ Life ♪
♪ Like a paradise ♪
♪ It's just a paradise ♪
- ♪ Visions, visions fading fast ♪
♪ Crystals, crystals that never last ♪
♪ Hello ♪
♪ Who's this? ♪
♪ Don't even worry about it ♪
♪ I'll set up then I'll fail ♪
♪ Mountains, crystals, that never last ♪
♪ I need to know ♪
♪ How you got this number ♪
♪ I got it from a friend of a friend ♪
♪ Of a friend of a friend of a friend ♪
♪ Of a friend, a friend of a friend ♪
♪ I need to hang up, I'm so sorry ♪
♪ Hello ♪
♪ Bye-bye ♪
- [chuckles] That was really good.
- You want me to ask Davvy for oral sex advice.
- Gigi said she's amazing, like, the queen of cunnilingus.
- Okay, honey, I don't think you should be
talking to Gigi about stuff like that, okay?
That's not a normal mother-daughter area.
- We're not a normal mother-daughter, John.
We have a very healthy relationship.
She brought up the area.
I made a mental note.
- Okay, but meanwhile,
Davvy's still fake dating Gigi.
I don't want to be in the kind of relationship
where my real daughter finds out
from her surrogate mom that her actual dad
is lousy in bed.
Did that even make sense?
- Yes. Unfortunately, it did.
And you are not lousy in bed.
You just need a little help, like most guys do.
- So what, I've been doing it wrong
the last, like, 25 years?
- Oh, not the whole time.
- What does that mean?
- And you're always very...
- What?
- Eager. - Oh, my God.
- And sometimes, you wander into
some really great zones and rhythms
that really get me off. - Holy shit.
- Why not take the chance to sit down
and learn something new that would make
me orgasm every time?
- Well, first of all, because it's embarrassing
to be asking people, you know,
"Teach me how to give head, please."
- You could ask Flash.
- And why would I ask Flash?
Oh, my God. Don't tell me.
He's great at it, right?
- Okay. I won't tell you.
- Ugh, classic. Of course, of course.
He's the king of cunnilingus,
and I'm Johnny the eager little eighth grader.
- [groans] It is not a competition.
You are good at kissing.
He's good at oral sex.
It's a tie, okay?
- But there's no question there's definitely
more prestige in the oral sex area.
Honey, honey, tell you what.
Listen.
Let me make you come right now, okay?
I'm--no, listen to me.
I'm totally pumped. I'm really psyched.
I'm completely in the zone.
I can make this happen right now.
Too eager, I know, sorry, shit.
- I'm gonna talk to Davvy, okay?
Make sure she doesn't say anything to Gigi,
and then you are gonna sit down with her
and get some very important information
that we are gonna put to great use immediately.
Do it for me.
Do it for us.
Please.
- All right.
Ugh.
You know what? Maybe--
I just--I'm gonna do some deep research online.
Because that way it'll just stay secret, hon.
- You're afraid of change.
- I'm afraid of change? - Yeah.
You chickened out on the whole lesbian thing.
- I didn't chicken out.
I turned into a lesbian, and then I turned back.
That's two changes in less than 24 hours.
Plus, I tried a new skin cream today,
so that's actually three.
- Right. - I want a change.
I want a passion.
I want something that consumes me, you know?
- What do you mean?
- You should dance. You should be a dance teacher.
- Oh. I'd--
- You love to dance! - That's a great idea!
- Yeah, but you know what, I don't think you can just
become a dance teacher, honey.
I think you got to get, like, certified.
- John, I went to school for dance.
I trained as a dancer. I was gonna be a dancer
until I met you, and I am goddamn good at it.
And you know what? - Hmm?
- Will you kill me? I really want sushi.
- No, we don't need waffles. - Okay, yeah.
- The waffle place is--
- I just want something big in my life, you know?
Like I made a difference.
- Like Habitat for Humanity?
- No, not a difference in the world at large,
a difference in my world.
I blew my chance saving the planet
'cause I was too busy blowing your father
literally and emotionally,
always putting his dreams out in front.
- Okay, let's be honest.
It's always been kind of a two-way street,
like mutual support kind of thing.
- Oh, really? Mutual two-way street thing
going on, you mean where you were out in front
being the star in the spotlight, and I was shoved
in the back, like, barely lit?
No, honey, this has been a one-way street, okay?
Me driving you.
You're a 50-year-old man
who still acts like a 15-year-old boy,
and I'm a 45-year-old woman who acts...
Like a 45-year-old woman.
- Okay.
Honey? - Oh, my God.
- Let's relax. - No, no, no, no, no.
- If you think about it, when we talked
about you being the lead singer or just going out
like that one gig where you had to sing,
like, three songs in a row, you had massive panic attacks.
- I know, I know. John, I know, okay?
I know, I just--I wanted-- I wanted something
different for my life, you know?
That's all I'm saying.
I thought everything was gonna be different.
- You're okay.
It's okay.
You want waffles?
- Yes, waffles. Let's go.
- But, guys, the sushi joint is right here.
- Oh, my God, John, this is exactly
what we're talking about, okay?
You never want to try anything new.
- Thanks for doing this, Davvy.
I really appreciate it.
- Well, I believe in pussy karma.
You get great head by putting great head
out into the oral sex universe.
Plus, my pottery class was canceled.
So here we are.
- Wow, that's the most realistic drawing
of a vagina I've ever seen in my life.
- Thank you. - Oh, you drew it?
- An ex of mine did.
She's an artist.
But it's my vagina.
- Oh.
Well, it's...
magnificent.
- It's a good pussy. I know.
I'm blessed. - Yeah.
- So why am I staring at a drawing of your pussy?
- Listen, you're a race car driver,
you want to know an engine inside and out,
what makes it run best, right? - Right.
- And every engine's the same, but also individual,
just like vaginas.
So you might have a little extra size here,
a little less action there, but basically,
each pussy has all the same parts.
- Right, but you know I, uh--
I've been in several notable New York City
rock bands over the years.
I've slept with a lot of chicks, so, you know...
- Sure, yeah, but, you know, just because you're fat,
doesn't make you a chef, hmm?
Let me ask you a couple questions.
- Can I ask one question before you start?
- Sure.
- Is, uh--is that part on every girl?
- This is gonna take longer than I thought.
- Mm-mm, no.
No, I'm sorry. No.
That's what I was telling you about.
It's too much tongue way too early.
- Too much tongue, okay.
- It's okay, relax.
There's no rush.
Just--you know the amount of time you take
when you're going down on me?
- Yes. - Okay.
So it's like the same thing.
You know, just nice and easy.
Soft and slow.
Okay? - Okay.
What are you doing?
- I don't know.
- I feel like I'm kissing a statue.
- Goddamn you, Flash!
- It's fine. - It's not fine.
- Look, I think you're overthinking it now.
Why don't we just-- let's just fuck,
and let's just forget about kissing, okay?
No more kissing. - Well, that ain't gonna happen.
'Cause I'm hung up on the kissing,
and so is Magic Johnson.
- Really?
- So unfair.
I just want to kiss you like her.
Why can't I learn?
- Well, I love how emotionally available
you are right now.
- Well, I'm evolving, honey.
- Well, you may be evolving,
but your dick is still stuck in caveman mode.
Thank God.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, give me a kiss. - Uh-uh!
No kissing.
- Do it again.
- ♪ Pour a little champagne, bang, heart attack ♪
♪ Trying to run for you, can't catch us ♪
♪ We'll never stop even if it kills us ♪
♪ Caffeine, nicotine, sex, pills ♪
♪ We do it for the thrills ♪
♪ Try to run for you, can't catch us ♪
♪ We'll never stop even if it kills us ♪
♪ Alcohol, fireworks, dollar bills ♪
♪ We do it for the thrills ♪
♪ Sippin' till we high, sip, sippin' till we high ♪
♪ So I want to introduce you to my best friend ♪
♪ A-D-R-E-N-A-L-I-N-E adrenaline ♪
- Gigi and Johnny just finished the lyrics.
They want to do a full rehearsal.
- Okay, great, I'll get my bag.
- Why didn't you tell me I was a bad kisser
when you were seeing me?
- Uh, didn't have time?
- A whole goddamn year?
- Okay, you got to remember,
I had just left Johnny Rock.
Whose ego is so delicate, you tell him his hair
looks weird, and his dick doesn't work for a week.
I didn't want to take the chance of saying
the wrong thing to you and then having
to spend the next seven days reconvincing your cock.
Besides, you gave such great head,
I didn't care about the kissing.
- Thanks.
Gigi's giving me notes,
and every time she wants to practice, I panic.
- Okay, well, you got to figure that shit out,
or she's gonna dump your ass.
- I know.
- This is about Gigi's happiness.
- I know.
- Do you want to practice on me?
- Huh?
- Well, I mean, who knows your history of kissing
better than I do?
- Ava, come on. - Purely clinical.
Like a lab test.
Oh, my God, you're making it weird.
Just kiss me. Come here. Jesus.
- Okay, all right.
You ready? - Yeah.
Yeah. That's better.
One note, okay?
You need a dash of supple.
You got to relax your lower lip a little more.
It's still too active.
- Okay. Try again?
- Yeah.
- You ready? - Yeah.
[clears throat]
Yeah, that-- technically perfect.
- Thanks. - Mm-hmm, you're welcome.
What are we supposed to be doing?
- Kissing. - Uh, no, rehearsal.
- That's right.
- We're going, um, to rehearsal.
Get my bag. - Okay.
I'll get my bag.
- Feast, you want to call the show Feast.
- I know.
Brilliant, right?
- Well, it's not brilliant.
It's the exact opposite of Famine.
- It's tastefully ironic.
I like it.
- I love it. - Of course you love it.
It sounds like there's going to be a buffet.
- That was mean.
I love it because it's good.
It's memorable. It's got a great ring to it.
That's why I like it.
- Thank you, and you guys are gonna
need a title that invites the audience
into the theater, right?
Hey, who remembers seeing Sting's musical,
"The Last Ship"?
- No. - Never heard of it.
- Neither did anyone else.
I mean, you guys want people to
come and see the show, correct? - Yeah.
- I want the right people to come see our show.
- Rehab, no one knows what An Gorta Mor means.
- Irish people know.
Educated people know.
- Okay, well, I asked an Irish friend of mine
who teaches at NYU.
You know what he thought An Gorta Mor was?
A thyroid medication.
- What do they teach? Shop?
- The original title of "Hamilton" was "Burr."
- Because it was so cold back then.
- No, Bam, no, because no one
wanted to see a show about Aaron Burr.
No one wants to see a show about a fucking ship,
and no one wants to look up words
on a Gaelic-to-English online dictionary
before they go buy a $200 ticket.
- We are trying to make a dark, edgy,
real song cycle meets rock opera production here.
We want to make "Hamilton" look like a puppet show.
- Right, but none of it matters
unless you a get a full house on opening night.
- I got you, as composer and creator,
a 4% piece of the box office.
That is unheard of for someone in your position.
But 4% of nothing is zero, Rehab.
- Think about it.
Feast.
- Feast.
- Hmm.
You know what you could call the show?
Go fuck yourself.
Noah, you are supposed to be the new Jew,
but instead you're acting like the old Jew.
And you are supposed to be a creative genius
sent here to help me realize my vision on stage.
But nope. No.
Instead, you are two typical show business Jews--
you know what I mean-- sent to ruin
another Jew's musical endeavor.
You know what? That's a good name for this show.
Jewsical.
- Oh, my God, stop saying Jew.
You say Jew all the time.
Stop saying Jew so much.
- Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew.
Feast blows.
Almost as much as the two of you.
I've got something called artistic integrity, my friends.
Look that up online.
Feast on this.
- Now, just-- - Shut up!
- Feast was Campbell Scott's idea.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, did you say Campbell Scott?
The Campbell Scott?
He's from the royal family of American theater.
His father's George C. Scott, Patton.
Rehab, this guy does Shakespeare, bro.
Campbell Scott is the real goddamn deal, right?
That's great.
- You just heard your name and Shakespeare's name
in the same sentence.
How often does that happen?
Campbell Scott gives your production
immediate and legitimate artistic integrity.
- Do you still remember December's foggy freeze,
when the ice that clung onto your beard
was screaming agony?
"Hamlet" is my favorite play.
I am totally in.
- Yes!
- That's not "Hamlet."
- Bro, did the play in college.
I think I know "Hamlet."
- Yeah, it's Jethro Tull, "Aqualung."
[relaxed rock music]
♪ ♪
- ♪ Don't break me too like they did to you ♪
♪ Don't break me too ♪
♪ Oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ 'Cause I'll make it through ♪
♪ With or without you ♪
♪ So go and throw it all away ♪
♪ Whoa, change ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ ♪
[cheers and applause]
Thank you.
All right, now I'd like to welcome a very special guest.
She's gonna come up here and sing a song for you.
[cheering]
Please welcome Ava Delaney.
[cheers and applause]
[mumbles] A minor.
Good. - You ready?
One, two, three!
[relaxed rock music]
♪ ♪
- ♪ Diamond rings don't mean a thing ♪
♪ Not impressed by the places you've been ♪
♪ Nothing changed since you've been gone ♪
♪ Time to get you back where you belong ♪
♪ With me ♪
♪ You belong to me ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Got your scent on the nape of my neck ♪
♪ Gonna give you as good as it gets ♪
♪ Hush, now, honey, gonna welcome you home ♪
♪ Right back here where you belong to me ♪
♪ Hush, hush, hush ♪
♪ Hush, hush ♪
♪ Don't matter what you was after ♪
♪ Searching the world ♪
♪ 'Cause all that hollow chitter chatter ♪
♪ Brought you right back to your original girl ♪
♪ ♪
- Hey, to Ava! A star is born.
- Oh, no, no, a shooting star, maybe.
- Ava, you killed it, okay?
We need to get you out front more.
You need to be singing a song at night.
And we have to come up with a great stage name, you know,
like Johnny Rock or Flash.
- Flava Ava.
- No, no, no, I got it.
I got it. Ava del Riva.
- What about just Ava?
Like Sia, but Ava.
- No, no, no. - Ava X.
- Ava X! - That's it.
- Yes!
- Oh! - I like that.
I'm dating Ava X.
What do you think of that?
- Cheers, cheers, cheers!
- Yeah! - Ava X.
- That was good.
It was--that was very good.
- Not better?
- It was better.
There was, like, no tongue action.
- I thought you didn't like tongue action.
- I do. I like it.
I just like it delayed.
- How delayed?
- I don't know, like a minute or two?
But not the whole tongue, just a little bit.
- How little? - I don't--
Just like a tiny little flick, sometimes more,
other times less, other times way less.
Are you upset? - No, just confused.
Oh, hello, Dr. Pavlov.
- [moaning]
Oh, yes.
Oh, Johnny.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no-- don't stop.
- I was just coming up for some air, honey.
- Oh, my God, I can't believe it's
taken you this long to find that spot.
- Oh, you could have given me a little direction.
- I didn't even know it was there.
Yeah, there you go.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, that spot-- that's--yeah, that spot--
that spot's--oh, yeah.
Oh, Johnny. [chuckles]