[ Siren wails ] Anchorwoman: They're calling it one of today's news stories.
Two fugitives -- Angela Tribeca and Angela Geils Jr.
are on the run after a plot to steal the Louisiana Purchase
was foiled by Vice President Perry.
Their last known location was inside a convenience store.
[ Chime plays ]
Do you have anything to clean off DNA?
No. Sorry. [ Clang ]
Can I get a six-pack of Coors Light?
[ Mumbling ]
And a beef roll-up.
Credit or debit?
Do you take bills with fluorescent dye all over 'em?
Just nothing over $20.
I'm gonna go warm up the car.
You in the convenience store, they're right in front of you.
[ Door bell dings ]
Ah, ah, ah, ah!
[ Paper rustles ]
Don't even think about it.
♪♪
Grab the beer.
[ Knocking ]
Nice car you got here, lady.
Trade you this crowbar for it.
[ Engine starts ]
♪♪
Sucker! [ Laughs ]
[ Gunshot ]
♪♪
Ugh! They didn't clean.
♪♪
[ Whining ]
[ Muffled screaming ]
Uh, yeah. We're gonna need housekeeping in room 102.
Man: Look out! [ Distant screaming ]
[ Gunshots ]
No, it's fine.
Everything's been lovely so far.
Yeah, thank you. Okay.
[ Sighs ]
What's going on, son?
It's just hitting, you know?
The SDF, the "team." It was all a shame.
Scholls, Atkins.
Jesus! Charo.
The woman I went to second base with.
She was playing me the whole time.
[ Curtains rattle ] Don't forget Hoffman.
More people in my life that abandoned me.
Hey. That is not fair, okay?
I abandoned you to make my life easier,
not for some kind of international land grab.
How could I believe in anybody anymore?
You can't. I learned a long time ago
that human beings are rotten to the core.
They only do things that benefit them in the short term.
I call that bed.
I thought they cared about us. [ Water pours ]
I thought they cared what we're doing.
I know.
You were so stupid.
But hey. You got me, okay?
And I'm never, ever gonna abandon you...
for a second time.
And even though he hasn't been featured in this season,
your father cares about you, too.
That's why he sent this for you in the mail.
Dad's badge.
I can't believe he remembered my birthday.
Yeah, how could anyone forget that?
That's why I got you this very special, uhh,
bible with a bullet hole in it.
Whoa. Cool.
You could spin it on your finger and everything.
Thanks, mom! Now, what's this about going to second base?
♪♪
[ Grunts ]
[ Muffled screaming ]
♪♪
I want them found, and I want them found now.
Are those them!
Oh, my God. Every time.
So, who wants to tell me how we let
A.J. and Tribeca escape after we flawlessly framed them
for stealing the Louisiana Purchase?
Hmm?
I'm gonna start calling on people.
Sweetheart, we've tracked their location to a 25-mile radius.
Their credit cards have been frozen.
Their passports have been canceled,
and their Uber ratings have been downgraded to one star.
I can't stay mad at you.
[ Kissing ]
[ Laughs ]
There's something going on between you two.
Listen, Joe, I take full responsibility
for the fact that these guys screwed up,
but we need to stay focused on the task at hand.
Returning the Louisiana Purchase to the President of France.
Thereby undoing the disastrous transaction made in 1803.
And forming a new country in the central United States
of which you will be made President,
and I will be First Lady.
Yes. Yes.
♪♪
Now then, the President of France
is awaiting my arrival at Gerard Depardieu Airport.
While I'm aboard Air Force Two,
I want you to track down A.J. and Tribeca.
They're the only thing that stands between me
and becoming the president of what I'm gonna call
Lil' France with a hop-hop apostrophe after Lil'
to play to the younger citizens.
You said you were going to name it Scholls.
It didn't test well.
Good call on whoever ordered the deli platter.
I am famished.
[ Chomp ] Ohh.
What are we gonna do?
Once that document gets to France, it's game over.
They'll have the deed to the entire Midwest.
Okay, so we figure out a way to sneak aboard Air Force Two.
We secure the Purchase.
Hold Perry hostage. Notify the president.
And then land safely at Andrews Air Force Base.
Air Force Two is the second-most secure plane in the world.
I realize that. And we're wanted fugitives.
Our faces are plastered all over town.
But his isn't.
But our faces are.
And we're the ones that need to get on the plane.
But if one of us had his face, we would sail right through.
But one of us doesn't.
So, we still have the same problem.
But what if one of us did?
[ Sighs ] Ugh.
She's saying that if you cut off my face
and put it on one of your faces, you can pass through security.
Oh, so you mean we take his...
face off?
I will become him.
[ People groan ]
Sorry, folks. Looks like Air Force Two
is stuck here another 45 minutes.
[ Indistinct conversations ]
Cardin!
How the hell did you get away from those animals?
[ With American accent ] It sure as hell wasn't easy.
Tribeca put up quite a fight.
Man, she's amazing.
What happened to your French accent?
Oh, right.
You know that thing where you start to bond with your captors?
I must have taken on their accent.
[ With French accent ] Oh, there it is!
Ahh, liberation!
Ah, it's very sweet and --
Anyway. Pierre. You're here.
How on earth?
Actually, it was easiest on earth.
Tribeca and A.J. were no match for Pierre Cardin.
Although Tribeca does somehow manage
to be both tough and elegant at the same time.
Really? That's not how I would describe her.
[ Radio crackles ] Gate agent: Okay, folks.
Looks like we've got things sorted out here
and are ready to board Air Force Two.
We are calling families and small children
and anybody who needs additional time to get on the aircraft.
Let's go.
[ Blows ]
-Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. -It's a red light.
Oh, no, no, no.
And then we went to Jefferson Memorial.
Ugh. Hands down, filthiest bathrooms I've ever seen.
I could barely flush. Zero toilet paper.
Urine all over the sink.
Could you maybe find another seat?
Oh, sorry.
Secret Service has to stay near
the vice president at all times.
Season Two of "The Detour." Nice.
[ Horn honks ] [ Bong! ]
Pilot: That chime means we've reached our cruising altitude,
and you are free to silently fart in your seat.
Oh, good.
Uh, pardon me, I'm going to see
if they have gluten-free blankets.
Attendant: What can I get for you, Mr. Vice President?
I'll just have a cup of coffee, please.
We have Coors Light.
Coors Light, as in born in the Rockies, Coors Light?
Yes. Well, why didn't you say so?
I'll have one now and another one in an hour
when my body has safely metabolized the first one.
And that's it. Good thinking, sir.
[ Fan blowing, can opens ]
♪♪
[ Grunts ]
I hope it wasn't too cramped in there for you.
♪♪
[ Grunts ]
[ Crash! ]
Thanks, mom. How we doing?
Armed and dangerous, son. Armed and dangerous.
[ Guns cock ]
♪♪
Let's move. Okay. You work your way up from the back.
I'm gonna follow this compartment all the way to the front.
Copy that. And hey.
Be careful.
I don't want anything happening to my baby boy.
[ Kiss ]
♪♪
[ Sobs ]
♪♪
Hyah!
[ Grunts ]
♪♪
[ Sniffs ]
Hyah!
♪♪
Whoo.
Hyah!
[ Curtains rattle ]
♪♪
Ha!
♪♪
Hyah!
♪♪
Whoo.
Oh, wait. Shit.
Ugh.
Nope.
Ugh. [ Slapping ]
What, what?! What's happening? What's going on?
Shut up. You're coming with me.
Not if the Secret Service has anything to do with it.
[ Snorts ]
Move it.
You sure this is the right place?
No doubt about it.
Sir?
I found Cardin.
[ Moans ]
Oh, my God.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't Vice President Joe Perry.
You're not Cardin, are you?
Why don't you figure out who I am?
I'll give you 20 years.
Tribeca.
In the flesh...
of another person.
You'll never get away with it.
These pilots are flying to Paris,
no matter what orders they're given.
I don't know.
I think the pilots might be swayed by your head
rolling into the cockpit. Well, of course.
Anyone's gonna be curious about that.
Care to wager?
Loser gets 20 years in prison.
All right! I sent you to prison for 20 years once!
Jesus! Turn this plane around!
We're calling the president, and we're landing in Washington.
Hope you like being executed.
I'm afraid we'll never find out how he feels
about being executed. [ Gun cocks ]
Drop the guns. Now.
Sure thing.
[ Gunshot ]
Ugh!
Anyone see that coming?
Mom, you shot Dr. Scholls!
Scholls died the second she switched sides.
Monica, I'm sorry.
Thank you for raising me those three weeks when I was a baby.
I loved kissing your big...chubby...teeth.
♪♪
Why don't I just go talk to the pilots about changing course?
[ Beeping ]
Sir? Air Force Two is changing course.
Something's wrong.
I thought you said we had some down time before it landed.
Come in, Air Force Two. Come in, Air Force Two.
[ Radio crackles ]
This is Perry.
Joe. It looks like...
your plane is changing course.
Everything okay?
Everything is okay.
Are you sure everything's okay? It doesn't sound like it.
No, everything is definitely okay.
If you're in trouble, signify by using the duress code.
I am not under duress.
Duress code received.
Initiating emergency response.
[ Beeping ]
Cancel emergency response. I am not under duress.
Copy on duress authentication code.
Moving ahead with response.
I am really, really, really not under duress.
That's three "reallys." Duress level three.
Call the president.
Atkins, listen to me very closely.
I am not sending you the authentication code.
Or any other codes. Throw 'em all out the window.
Got it? All of 'em.
Now, I'm the vice president, and everyone onboard
is acting of their own volition and are totally safe.
So, stand down and don't contact me again.
Roger that.
They've got Perry dead to rights in the cockpit,
and they're turning around heading back to Washington
to return the Louisiana Purchase.
He gave me the exact code word-for-word.
We have to shoot the plane out of the sky.
Sir, we can't. I know. I know.
It was just fun to think about for a second.
Get Scholls on the horn. And I mean now!
[ Horn blowing ]
♪♪
I'm thinking of growing a beard.
Isn't there like a super-itchy phase?
[ Door opens ]
Drop your gun and let go of the plane.
[ Gun clatters ]
Did you really think you could --
[ Gunshot ]
Some people just can't handle the cabin pressure.
Thanks, mom!
[ Gunshot ] [ Grunts ]
Always remember to put your mask on first.
Susan. Thank God.
[ Gunshot ] Ugh!
Nobody kills my mom and gets away with it.
It's okay, A.J. She just winged me.
Oh. Sorry, Susan.
Alarm voice: Altitude, altitude!
Ground approaching faster than I'd like.
For God Sakes! The plane's going down!
Get the real pilots back in here!
Hang on a second!
[ Gunshots ] Ugh! Ugh!
What are you saying? Are you insane?!
I surrender. You can have the purchase back.
The deal is off! Just save my life!
Think you can land this thing?
♪♪
You bet your ass I can.
[ Clanging ]
[ Police radio chatter ]
Sorry.
You tried your best.
Thanks.
Man, this thing was hot.
Thank you.
[ Grunts ]
Where's Perry?
[ Clank ]
Freeze, or I'll drop you like a sick beat.
[ Siren wails ]
[ "Hail to the Chief" playing ]
[ Tires squealing ]
♪♪
Madame President.
Thank God. I caught the terrorists.
They tried to hijack my plane,
but I fought them off.
Oh, stick it up your ass, Joe. Everybody knows you're dirty.
Someone arrest this traitor.
With pleasure.
[ Cuffs jingle ]
Oh! Okay. What are you doing?
Nobody move, or the kid gets it.
You don't have the guts.
Actually, Tribeca, it's you that doesn't have the guts.
I've known it from the beginning.
Why do you think I sent you to prison for 20 years?
I kept you on ice until your son was old enough
to join the Special Division Force.
You see, he's my insurance policy.
I'm warning you, Joe.
You do this, and you can forget about
breaking the next tie in the Senate.
I'm afraid you don't know me as well as you think you do,
Mr. Vice President. Joe's fine.
See, I taught my kids that humans are rotten to the core,
and they only do what benefits them in the short term.
You think I'm any different?
Even you wouldn't shoot your own son, Tribeca.
[ Gunshot ] Ugh!
Mom, what have you done?
[ Groaning ]
Like I said, A.J. Don't trust anyone.
That is, anyone except me.
'Cause you're my baby boy.
♪♪
Wow. You aimed for dad's badge.
Uh-huh.
I love you, mom.
I like you, too, kid.
[ Tires squeal ]
Everybody freeze, damn it!
If anybody moves a muscle, I swear I will --
I told you were were gonna be late.
And I told you the drive-thru takes longer.
Atkins, once again, you served this country
with great distinction.
And Joe, I knew from the moment
I chose you as my running mate that you were corrupt.
I assigned Atkins here to tail you
until you slipped up.
You were on our side the whole time?
That's right, Tribeca.
I'll always be Lieutenant Atkins.
Atkins?
I hereby appoint you Secretary of Defense.
And Tribeca, how does vice president sound to you?
With all due respect, Madame President,
I've been doing a lot of thinking in the past 11 seconds,
and I think it might be time
for me to ride off into the sunset.
The world is too different now,
and I just can't find my place in it.
I'll be vice president!
You got it.
Wait! [ Grunts ]
Wait! She's got a bomb!
[ Guns cock ]
Wait! No, she doesn't. She doesn't.
It's -- It's a backpack. Stand down.
Oh.
[ Grunts ] Did you tell them about the -- Yes.
Does she know about the -- Yes, we've covered everything.
Oh.
Except what Tribeca's gonna do next.
[ Sighs ]
I just wanna be as far away
from rules and structure as I possibly can.
♪♪
[ Laughing ]
[ Indistinct conversations ]
My name is Tribeca, and this is U.S. History.
Tribeca! Get the hell in here!
[ Sighs ] Coming, Principal Atkins.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪