Have you seen my cell phone?
Oh, dear.
Oh, mother of dragons!
What in God's name is happening?
I'm balancing my checkbook! Which Sol used to do, but now I'm doing it
'cause there's no more Sol, just Frankie.
Don't tell me you haven't done this since you and Sol broke up.
Now you're sounding like that nightmare Mindy at Bank of America.
How can I be expected to remember every check I've ever written?
Yeah. See those stubs? The ones that are left after you tear the check off?
That's where you're supposed to put the amount.
That's where I doodle.
You want to see two squirrels take a bow?
Where's that coming from?
Probably from under one of these piles.
Well, help me find it. I've got to call Mallory back.
-I can't remember her number. -Oh.
Where is it? It's not... in you, is it?
That was thrilling.
Oh, it's got syrup on it.
-I had pancakes. -Did you sit on those, too?
Hi, Mal. I was just gonna call you.
I put the syrup inside like a burrito, sometimes it squirts out.
-It's how they eat it in France. -Honey, that's fantastic!
-Oh, my God, that's news. What? -I didn't even know you guys were trying.
-She's pregnant? Is she pregnant? -Twins!
Oh! As in two? Oh.
You gotta call your father right now. This is the kind of news that is--
-Oh. -Oh, no, she told him first? Oh, no.
No! No, no, no, of course I understand.
-Yeah, I'm sure it cheered him up. -Of course it cheered him up!
-That's why she told him first. -Would you sit down?
Congratulations, Mallory!
She says thanks. Ugh... Wh--
No, w-w-wait a minute, wait a minute, bed rest?
Bed rest? What does that mean? Tell me.
OK.
No-- Well, no, no, I didn't-- OK.
O-OK. Love to Mitch.
Bye, honey. Congratulations. Yeah.
The doctor put her on bed rest. Apparently it happens a lot with twins.
Then it's nothing to worry about. Mazel tov, Grandma.
Thanks.
Yeah. Yeah.
You want more pillows? Fewer pillows? Different pillows?
-Say something. -Ah. Stop talking about pillows.
- Hey, hot stuff. - Jojo.
-Brought you more pillows. -Thank you.
And you must be Sol.
By now I'm sure you've heard, I'm Jojo, his flight attendant.
I thought I met all your nurses.
Jojo came on duty last night while you were sleeping.
Menu, Mary.
I don't think anyone's ever called me "Mary" before.
- That you heard. Right? Oh. - Thank you.
What?
Yeah. Take it.
Good morning.
-Hi! -Ooh, where'd you get that?
What do you care? It fell off a truck.
OK.
I have news.
-I love news. -I know.
So I drove here to see that face when I tell you...
Say Grace is going to be selling your lube.
-My lube? -Uh-huh!
-In stores? -It's exciting, right?
Oh, God. Oh, my God.
It's so exciting! I want nine million dollars.
So do I.
I'll tell you, I was balancing my checkbook
and nine million dollars would solve things.
Of course this is how this conversation is going.
Hi. Your sister's pregnant.
I know. It's kind of her thing.
Oh, everybody knows.
Where are you going?
I could tell she didn't want to ask, but if Mal's on bed rest,
she's gonna need me.
Well, Brianna wants to sell my lube,
and in return I'm going to get nine million dollars.
Oh. Someone took their mother's advice.
- Someone is welcome. - Thank you.
There's a very tasteful floral arrangement on the way.
Now will you please stay and help me explain to your roommate
-how business works? -Oh, I know how business works.
I know I have an idea and a business wants it.
And another business might want it, too.
Bidding war? Yes, please. Power lunch? Thank you, Sharks.
I think my roommate understands business just fine.
Mom? Mommy?
OK. Do you understand that a product
needs to be manufactured and then marketed?
- And then you need suppliers... - Oh, I can find suppliers.
-I have a supplier. -Oh.
Oh, I'm gonna have to pay him, too.
I'm gonna need nine million dollars and an Orvis gift card.
OK. So I want to start over and just say I love the lube--
I love the lube which is where
we should--
The company wants to get in business--
I'm just gonna wait 'til you're done.
I'll wait 'til you're finished...
...with... it.
We're playing car wash with Grandma Jean! We're cars!
I can see that. Who has kisses?
Muah.
Well, will you look who's here! It's so good to see you!
Oh, hello, Jean.
Oh...
Very long hug.
So what brings you down from Seattle?
Well, Mal asked me to come and help with the kids,
so I jumped on the first plane and here I am!
And here you are. And I'm here, too.
-So whenever you need to go back... -Oh, I can stay as long as she needs.
My house plants are plastic and my husband's dead.
- Grandma Jean! Grandma Jean! - The car wash is open!
- Great. - Wash! Wash!
Hi. I thought I heard you.
-How are you feeling? -Mom, you didn't have to come.
Of course I did. And I come bearing gifts.
All of Downton Abbey and a deluxe manicure kit.
Oh, have you read this?
-No. -The first chapter's tough,
but if you stick with it, it's smooth sailing.
And if-if not, there's some Us Weekly's in here, too.
Yes, I will take those. Right now. Thank you, Mom.
So, I'll-I'll let you rest and I'm gonna go down and be with the kids.
Yeah, Mom, you don't have to...
because, you know, Jean's here.
Yeah. Jean's here.
-It's just to help with the kids. -I can help with the kids.
No, I know. I know.
You know, I know you just don't always love...
when they act like...
kids.
Or it's the thing I love the most.
All right.
-Hey. -I know we have a lot
of unresolved business, but I am here as a businesswoman
on business-business. Someone wants to buy my yam lube,
and I'm here to see about the yam supply pipeline.
And I-I should tell you that-- Well you should know, I mean,
I did sleep with Sol, so that-that unresolved business is-is resolved.
I-I also performed his, uh, marriage ceremony,
which sounds a little ridiculous, but it was cathartic
is the-the word that gets tossed around--
I'm-I'm losing--
-I'm-I'm off track now, really. -Start again.
OK, um...
Everything I said, plus are you still my yam man?
I mean, can I-can I count on you for the yams for my lube?
I will always have your yams because I'll always be your yam man.
Well, that's good.
Good. That's good.
I think this business meeting has gone very successfully
and, uh, I think the stockholders will be pleased.
Is this how all business meetings end?
-I'm new at this. -I hope ours always do.
It's nice to see you, Frankie.
It's nice to be seen.
OK.
This one loves herself some fort.
Oh, yeah. Who wants to read The Velveteen Rabbit?
Nobody!
Well, I know, the first part's tough but once the little boy gets scarlet fever,
it's smooth sailing.
Maybe not for the rabbit.
Books aren't tons of fun, Grandma Grace. Forts are fun.
Well, I'd argue books are also fun.
Come into the fort, Grandma.
-Are you kidding? -You don't have to. I'm here.
OK! I'm coming.
What's the password?
I don't-- Chocolate.
-Nope. -Worms.
-No. -Will you give me a hint?
It's the name of their favorite television show.
I don't know, Trapper John, M.D.
-I'm coming in. Move over. -It was Zig and Sharko.
-Well, I was close. -I would've thought you knew that.
I do. I forgot.
Hey, Madison, you want to have a tea party?
-OK. -I'm just gonna get my tea. Ah.
That's a lot of tea, Grandma Grace.
Friends who count don't count, Grandma Jean.
You know who loves tea parties?
Gretchen Gumblehausen!
Ah-choo!
Gesundheit, Gretchen Gumblehausen!
- And I'm... - Cloris the Clown!
Oh, no, Grace, you're Annie.
No, I'm not a Depression-era orphan who makes people sad.
I'm Cloris the Clown who makes people happy!
No, no...
-He's afraid of clowns. -I thought he was afraid of elves.
He used to be. Now it's clowns.
Well, that's why there's clown spray. We'll just spray it all over the fort.
You know, you really should call it anti-clown spray.
I mean, clown spray would attract clowns.
-No, clowns. -But it doesn't! Right, Grandma Grace?
-Tell Macklin it doesn't. -Oh, of course not.
Oh, Macklin, I'm-I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Clown spray works on all kinds of clowns
and elves and goblins, and--
Uh-oh. Let's hope it works on something else.
Oh, God. Ugh.
-Well, just get them out! -Jeez, lice work fast.
They've already built a town square in here.
Please don't say "lice." I'm disgusted enough as it is.
Look, these things happen.
When you go near children.
-Oh, you can't be mad at them. -I'm mad at their hygiene.
Well, to be fair, you're not a big fan of anybody's hygiene.
None of this would have happened if I hadn't been rolling around on the ground
-the way Grandma Jean likes to do. -But that's also what kids like to do.
Kids don't know what they like! They're dumb!
Oh, God.
That's not something a grandmother should say.
What is wrong with me?
Come on, you're not so bad.
Some hamsters eat their grandchildren.
Hamsters don't live long enough to have grandchildren.
Don't confuse me with facts, I'm going somewhere with this.
Not all hamster grandmas need to run around in the wood shavings
making forts out of toilet paper tubes.
Some keep the little ones from eating their poop.
-We all know I'm not the fun hamster. -Then be who you are.
Be the bossy hamster with the drinking problem.
They're the ones who inspire their grandchildren to become writers.
Oh, I'd eat mine before that.
I think I know what would cheer you up.
-A little gossip. -I hate gossip.
Who's it about?
It's about a certain long-haired beauty with sparkling eyes and a devilish wit.
-Me. It's about me. -Let me guess,
you've had another altercation in your food co-op?
Yes. And I've also recently been kissed.
-By Jacob. -He kissed you? When?
I ran into him at the farmer's market
when I was stalking him at the farmer's market.
-How was the kiss? -Oh, my cheek is still tingling.
But it may have been a power play. As a businesswoman and a woman-woman,
I'm still unpacking it.
So how did you leave things?
I left it that he would provide yams for my lube
which I may or may not sell to Brianna.
I have a meeting with her later this afternoon.
Not sure what I'm gonna do.
Well, figure out where you want to end up and then don't start there.
With Brianna or Jacob?
Yes.
Is my scalp supposed to be burning?
Mm-- Yes.
- That's me on the dance floor. - Mm-hmm.
Oh, that is me about to get into the swing again.
-Wow. Mm. -And this is Carlos. Mm-hmm.
Are those shorts or underwear?
Uh, Carlos doesn't wear underwear.
-Sol, you've got to look at Carlos. -Nah, I'm good.
-You boys like bingo? -He loves it.
Then when you're all better,
I'm taking you to Drag Queen Bingo!
I'm sure someone's sleeping somewhere.
Oh, none of my patients. We play, we drink, we sing show tunes.
-I love show tunes. -Yeah.
Who is that spanking you?
Oh, that's Ana Phylactic-Shock, she's in charge of Drag Queen Bingo.
-I called a false bingo. -Ooh, she looks mad.
Nah, she loves spanking people. Here she's mad.
Someone pretended it was their birthday and she made them wear nipple clips.
-Ooh. -OK.
Slide show's over.
And thanks for the invitation, but I don't think Drag Queen Bingo's for us.
-Oh, why not? -Well... we're not that kind of gay.
Uh, what kind of gay are you?
Oh, I don't mean there's anything--
I'm gonna go get your breakfast tray.
OK, thanks.
You realize you just offended him?
Why are you suddenly interested in Drag Queen Bingo?
Why wouldn't I? I like singing. I like bingo.
I would love to try singing during bingo. It sounds fabulous.
But you're hardly the Grand Marshal of the gay parade.
Hey. I'm pretty gay. In fact, I have a husband.
I have a husband, too. And frankly, I would say I'm gayer than you.
-How are you gayer than I am? -I wear a man purse!
That's not gay. That's hideous. And if you were as gay as I am you'd know that.
All right, Robert, this isn't a contest.
No, it's not. But, seriously,
I would really like for us to feel comfortable
someday going out to something like Drag Queen Bingo.
And why not? I spent my whole life having to look away and pretend
I wasn't interested in things like that, or Greco-Roman wrestling,
or the Oscar red carpet.
I had a lot of opinions about Cher's dress
when she won for Moonstruck. I thought it was fantastic!
And I thought Bob Mackie deserved an Oscar!
-Who's Bob Mackie? -He designed that dress!
And the people at Drag Queen Bingo would know that.
See, that's why I want to go.
Hey, we're out. So let's go out.
Oh.
Oh, thank you.
Uh, Ms. Frankie Bergstein is here.
Frankie!
-Hello. -Oh. So formal.
-Hello. So how was the drive down? -Oh, good.
Thank you. I parked across the street so I wouldn't have to valet.
We validate, but OK.
The hand dryer in the men's room does not work. Like, at all.
I'd like to introduce my legal counsel, Nwabudike Douglas Bergstein.
Yes, I'm familiar with your son, who I grew up with.
-Hello, Budlas. -Oh.
Oh, we're bringing Budlas back?
OK, well, then, hello, Brianna-donna-ding-dong.
- Never caught on. - At my house it did.
-Please. -After you.
No, I insist.
I insist, Brianna-donna-ding-dong.
That's so funny.
-Please take a seat, Frankie. -No, please, avail yourself.
-Relax, sit down. -No, no. I insist that you take a seat.
-Did you want to stand, Frankie? -No, no, please sit.
OK.
-Have you settled? -I am seated.
Is someone taking minutes?
Um...
- Really? - Yes. Of course.
Mm-hmm.
OK. "Is someone taking minutes, comma, um, comma,
really, question mark, yes, comma, of course."
Oh, I also want to get "Brianna-donna-ding-dong" in there,
just so we have it.
You don't need to write that down.
So, this deal memo outlines our offer,
namely that Frankie Bergstein, creator and owner of said lubricant,
shall receive a $25,000 buyout.
Wow. And three percent of the net once we're profitable.
I want nine million dollars.
-Fuck my life. Fuck it hard. -I am so glad I came to work today.
-So, um, my mother-- -No.
My client is interested in a licensing deal and two percent of the gross.
Two is less than three.
But gross is much larger than net, and with the licensing deal
you'll get a piece of every single unit sold.
Licensing and two percent of the gross. Done.
Why? What do you know?
I know that there's a fantastic offer on the table for your client-slash-mother.
-And? -And my company's taking a big risk
-investing in an unknown product. -Aha!
Your eyebrow arches when you lie.
Your head tilts, your eyes crinkle,
and somehow your hair turns a darker shade of blonde-ish.
Fine. We may have done some testing, and it may have gone well--
-Ah-ha-ha! -Two-point-five and that's it.
- Three. - Deal.
But that is not where I want to end up.
- Twist. - Well, it's a good deal, Mom.
And, uh, we should talk about it, but I think you should take it.
Oh, I can't. I want more.
Like what?
Your client's gone rogue.
My client would be more than happy to shop her product elsewhere.
Oh, have fun with your weird mother-son vaginal lube sales team.
That is definitely going in the minutes.
-Dude, expunge that. -Nope.
-Mom, mom... -Hm-mm.
Why aren't you downstairs playing with Madison and Grandma Jean?
Because Mommy needs clown spray so she's not scared.
Why would-- Macklin, come here.
Why on earth would Mommy be scared?
-Because she's sick. -Mommy's not sick.
But Grandma Jean had us make get-well cards for Mommy
because she's sick because there's not enough room in her tummy for two babies.
First of all, homemade cards are great, but only if you put in a lot of effort.
And second, babies don't grow in Mommy's tummy, they grow in a separate part
-that only mommies have. -Her pocketbook?
Not quite.
Look, Mommy's not scared and she's not sick.
She-she just needs a little extra sleep so the babies will grow big and strong.
So Grandma Jean was wrong?
Yes.
If Mommy's not scared, I'm not scared, either.
Well, good. That-- Ew. Sticky. Ew.
Can I lay down with her?
First of all, it's "lie." Second of all, no, you can't,
because we don't want to give Mommy lice.
But I'll tell you what we can do.
-Gin! -Aw, man.
You saw me play the ace of clubs, you have to pay attention.
What do you think of this figure?
Boobless? I taught you that.
Also "boobs," "boob," and "boobies."
I know how to write "hillbillies."
53177187714.
- Say that again, but slower. - I know what I want.
-Oh. -This ought to be good.
I want six percent of the gross, I want my art on the box,
and I want you to take me seriously.
I am trying to, it's kind of a challenge sometimes.
That's my process. You want my lube? You get my process.
OK, fine.
Then you'll listen to my ideas? Because I have lots of ideas.
Yes. The good ones.
This is where normally when I would give you a hug,
but I know you're a very serious businesswoman, so...
Muah.
Will I get my nine million dollars?
If every man, woman and child in America buys your lube, then yes,
you will get your nine million dollars.
Victory!
Wow.
Forgot our bags.
What have I done?
That was a nice break.
I didn't know it was the morgue, I thought it was the atrium.
-That's what it said on the map. -Please, just get me back to the room.
Jojo, can you help me for a second?
-Let's get ready to bingo! -Whoo!
Bitch, what are you doing here?
Bitch, I'm here to play bingo! This bitch invited me.
What is going on, Sol?
I'm saying I'm sorry to both of you.
Bitch.
Jeez!
Raise your hand if you love Ryan Gosling.
Oh!
Now raise your hand if you can't come within 200 feet of him.
It ain't love unless the police get involved.
Oh, I'm lying because I've--
♪ Never been in love B-4 ♪
♪ Now all at once it's you ♪
♪ It's you forever more ♪
Sounds like you and Mack were having fun.
Yeah, we were.
Are you surprised?
Not at all.
Because, uh, you didn't call me to come help with the kids.
Mom, Jean jumped on a plane.
Huh, and, uh, you told your father first that you were pregnant.
To cheer him up. I was dying to tell you, Mom. I called you.
And left a message with no hint of any news.
I didn't want to tell you in a message.
Well, you know something, it felt...
like you didn't really want to tell me at all.
Mom, of course I did.
I just...
OK, um...
Remember when you and Dad had brunch
at the house after Madison's christening?
You stood in the kitchen making egg salad
and you said this better be my last baby because I needed to start my life again.
- I didn't say that. - Mom, I remember what you were wearing.
I'm so sorry.
You know, sometimes I wonder who I was in that house.
I don't know why I was holding onto that.
Because it's horrible. I never should have said that.
I'm really happy you're pregnant.
And those babies are really lucky
because you're the best mother I know.
Mom, I learned from you.
Thank you for lying.
Hey, why is that not happening in your studio?
Oh, I still haven't gone through my moving boxes.
Great. You're one can of cat food away from full-on Grey Gardens.
Oh, how did it go with Brianna?
Well, I figured out where I wanted to end up and I got there.
How did it go with Mallory?
We're finding our way.
You think I can get them to let me name the lube "Vagicadabra"?
Because I have other names.
"Slip Inside," "Lubri-can," "Menapplause."
"Yam, Bam, Thank You, Ma'am"?
We'll throw that one in...
-Yeah. -...so they'll pick one of mine.
They're going to name it
the "Frankie Bergstein Memorial Lube!"
-Now with lice. -Let me have it!
I would love to host life.
What is that?
Well, according to the deal we hammered out with the lube,
they're putting my art on the box.
-And I know what I want to paint. -What?
My vagina.
Well, if they're going to take my face off the box,
I'm glad they're replacing it with your vagina.
Well, at least you won't have to worry about being recognized in public.
No...
but you might.