♪ Well, I don't know Why I came here tonight ♪
♪ Got the feelin' That somethin' ain't right ♪
♪ I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair ♪
♪ And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs ♪
♪ And there's clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right ♪
♪ Here I am Stuck in the middle with you ♪
♪ Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
Come on. Come on. Come on!
Frankie.
Frankie. Wake up!
I'm not sleeping. I'm not sleeping!
You were snort-snoring.
Because I was up all night painting.
Oh, but I am totally focused on the business.
I'm a laser beam.
Chhh!
Hello. Sorry to keep you waiting.
It's a busy morning. New copy machine.
I'm Derrick Flout.
Derrick, very nice to meet you.
So nice to meet you, Derrick.
Likewise.
So, uh, you should know what I do is accept your loan application,
or not, and hand it over to the underwriting department,
most likely located in another state.
Got it. Okay.
Well, I'm... I'm Grace Hanson, and this is...
And I am Frankie Bergstein, head of Creative.
And, um... this is our business plan.
- Very comprehensive. - Thoroughly proofread.
"Vybrant."
Spelled with a "Y" for extra fun!
We make vibrators specifically designed for older women...
um, that take into account their...
all their issues, like, um...
poor eyesight and arthritis...
Tender vaginal tissue.
That's important.
I let her say that.
Actually, there's no stopping her.
Okay, uh, so we don't need to discuss
every vivid detail of the business.
Got it, Derrick. Well, we would like a $75,000 loan,
and we're hoping for 3.45 percent rather than the usual 4.1.
I'm assuming this would be a short-term loan?
No, we'd like ten years.
- Ten years? - Mm-hmm.
Uh-huh.
And you'd be paying that back...
Well, within ten years.
As is common in a ten-year loan.
And we'll throw in a free vibrator for your lady friend
after you give us the $75,000.
Uh-huh.
With batteries.
Very nice. Thank you.
Yeah.
So... I don't think that a ten-year loan
would be prudent at this time.
For our bank.
With you.
Well, uh...
Would a seven-year loan be prudent?
I'm not sure seven is realistic.
What do you think is prudently realistic?
Somewhere in the one-year range.
I'm not the accountant here,
but that doesn't seem like much of a range, Derrick.
I've done the break-even analysis and it's gonna take at least four years to...
Oh, my God. I know what's going on here.
Me too. This is about you being afraid of female sexuality.
You're one of those bankers who's never read Our Bodies, Ourselves.
It was banned at my school, but one of my friends had it.
Oh, so you did read it? I'm confused.
He's not gonna give us a loan because he thinks we're too old.
Too old? I was blasting Drake all the way here.
You know what this is?
Ageist. Ageist bullshit!
Ladies, there are many, many factors that go into loan decisions.
Oh, I'm sure. There's how old you are,
there's how many birthdays you have left...
How much pubic hair you have left.
See? No stopping her.
Come on, Frankie, let's get out of here.
I'm going to paint a very unflattering portrait of you.
Here's a flyer for my art show. You can see it there.
- And if you want to buy it: 75 large. - Come on.
Okay. Okay. We have to go to a different bank.
That's what we have to do.
They all need breaking up anyway.
We'll start with this one.
We'll form an old lady gang.
We're creaky, but tough.
We're forgetful, but fierce.
Gravity may be no friend of ours,
but that doesn't mean our bottom line will bottom out.
Right. It's so insulting.
Do we look like we're about to die?
Do we look like we're senile and can't remember anything?
Where is the car?
I thought you were paying attention.
I told you to take a picture of the space.
I did!
I left my phone in the bank.
With my keys.
This is going to be a weird double goodbye with Derrick.
Come on.
Well, but couldn't we just sit down and talk, you know, face-to-face?
Uh-huh.
Well, youth is fleeting and you have a weird laugh.
Another no. This one Googled us.
She knows our combined age is 146.
Well, then time to call Tomato Bank.
What is that, some farmer's market thing?
Tomato Bank is Chinatown's most easy-going loan service.
My friend Guang works there.
Well, he'll probably say "no," too.
Only he'll say it in Chinese.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Are you going to do the dishes?
Two days. I need two days.
And then after the art show
I will call the banks, I will revisit the dishes.
I don't think you understand.
You have paintings to finish, but I have to walk into that gallery
with a loan that I can shove in our families' faces.
I think you're missing the point of my art show.
No, I'm not.
Okay, everyone, come in, come in.
Ooh!
- And this is the entrance way. - Wow.
That could be a study.
- Are you squeaking? - Yeah, it's my shoes.
- And this is the living room, of course. - What are they?
- Golf shoes. - Why?
I'm breaking them in.
Because not only does he teach band...
I am also coach of the girls' golf team. Thank you, staff cuts.
And, uh... this is a fireplace, of course. And it works.
- So are you kids going to Mom's opening? - Yeah.
- Oh, boy. - We'll be there.
- I'll be there. - Of course.
We found this house on Zillow and it was built in 1928.
Now, if you'll follow me, please.
- Is Mitch coming? - Who's Mitch?
Oh! That's your husband who doesn't come to anything.
Okay, I'm sorry he didn't show up at your dog's birthday party.
He was busy bringing life into this world.
Not an excuse.
And this is the bedroom.
- Are you coming? - Yeah, I'll be there.
Why do you look wistful? You never look wistful.
I can look wistful. I have moments of wist.
I miss your stupid mom and I don't want her to be mad at me anymore.
That's the fireplace again.
She's my ride-or-die bitch.
Well, good.
Because Frankie should have the support of her family.
And Allison.
Ooh, the new lady! Then I will bring Barry.
Because he's been bugging me to spend more time with the family
and now everyone will be so focused on what a loser Allison is
- that I'll just slide him in unnoticed. - Over here is where we'll cook things.
Allison is fantastic.
She has a real job and a working vehicle.
I'm glad you're all going to be there. That'll be nice for Frankie.
Dad, you're not thinking about going, are you?
N-No, that would be a bad idea.
- Kenny Loggins bad. - Having twins bad.
This is the room where we eat the things we cook.
Don't you think she might perceive my not being there as unsupportive?
And that's the car dealership.
Haven't you left her a million messages already?
Has she answered one?
Not with words.
Oh, for heaven sakes, how do you kids feel about the house?
- It's great. - Nice windows.
It's really open. The feng shui is all right.
But more importantly, do you like it?
We love it.
We really do.
Maybe Frankie secretly wants me to be there.
Oh, God, Sol.
- Nice place, Dad. - Thank you.
- Oh, look, Dad! Tile! - Love you guys.
- Love you, Dad. Love the house. - Don't go to the show.
Sol, the only reason you want to go to her show
is because you hate it when people are mad at you.
I just prefer to have everybody like me.
Or I can't leave my house...
or my bed.
Well, you do whatever you want, but I'm not going.
Because, unlike you, I do not enjoy going to places where I'm not wanted.
This is probably the most important day of Frankie's life.
How can I not be there?
By not going.
I'm gonna stay home and eat guacamole with a spoon,
but you're welcome to go
and have yet another tortured interaction with our ex-wives.
So you're okay that things are lousy between you and Grace?
I'm not okay with it,
but the art show is not the time or the place to work on our relationship.
How do you know?
Because I know everything.
What if I know going is the right thing?
I know you're wrong.
And if you're hoping to get Frankie
to let go of the Kenny Loggins thing, forget it.
There's nothing you can do to make up for that.
- There's gotta be something. - There's nothing.
- Something. - Nothing.
Are you gonna touch every piece of cheese?
Do you think it would help calm me down? Because I'll do it.
Oh, Frankie, relax.
You've waited for this your whole life.
I know, I know. It's great.
It's here. It's horrible. This is a nightmare.
- Frankie? - Yes?
We're going to open the doors in a few moments. Are you ready?
What are those?
We put a red dot on each painting once it sells.
Can I do it?
- No. We do it. - Let her do it.
Oh God, oh God, oh God.
Maybe it's time for a little pot spray.
What if none of them sell?
What if all these little red dots are here at the end of the night?
It doesn't matter, Frankie.
You still did it. You pulled this show together.
- Babe would be so proud of you. - Oh, Babe.
What if she misses her dinner up in heaven,
watching over this and it's a total failure?
Maybe there's a joint in your purse that you forgot about?
- Oh, my God. - Hey, Mom. Frankie!
Good God, what is that?
This is the poncho that Frankie made for me.
I love it. Love it so hard.
Yeah, well you're wearing it backwards.
And truthfully, you don't have the body for it.
Frankie, I'm trying here.
We have a relationship to repair. We can't just throw yarn at it.
She's a little anxious.
Still mad?
It's not like you to be upset when someone's upset with you.
I know, but it's Frankie. And she was like a mother to me.
You were also like a mother to me.
"Like a mother"?
She wasn't a replacement mother. She's another mother.
More love. More love is so good.
It's a whole village of... Barry!
Barry, say hello to my favorite mother!
Mom, you remember Barry from the office.
It is so nice to see you again, Grace.
You, too. Why are you here?
So, Mom, Barry and I are, um...
We are... together.
- That the word you were looking for? - Pretty close.
- Good. - Goodness, I didn't...
He is with you?
But he's so nice.
Thank you, Mom.
Anytime, darling. You've always been like a daughter to me.
So Grace, how are you?
Thank you for asking, Barry. I am superb.
Frankie and I are fielding loan offers.
It's good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good.
- Well, I guess she's good. - She seems really good. Yeah.
Mm.
This is amazing.
How do you feel?
Frankly, I feel like barfing in my handbag.
Oh, so you found your handbag.
No, no, this is Grace's.
Do you see any red dots?
I see the ones that's in your hand.
And now I see Sol.
Oh, Sol.
That guy's really got a pair on him.
Don't worry, I got it.
- It is so nice to finally meet you. - So nice to meet you, too.
And this is Mallory's husband, Mitch.
He's working.
Yes, one of his famous emergency get-out-of-the-art-show babies.
Well, I was an art-show baby.
I was just trying to break the tension.
Oh, there's no tension here.
- Right, Mitch? Back me up, buddy. - Okay.
Who'd have thunk it,
when we first met at your farm stand,
that one day, we'd be standing here,
shoulder to shoulder...
the gay ex-husband, the new lover, supporting our lady.
I mean... your lady, my ex-lady.
It's all good. We're cool.
I think now might be a good time to go over and say hi.
I wouldn't.
So I should just stay here and talk to you?
I think that's your sweet spot.
You can see the rage toward me in every brush stroke.
Notice the bold use of yellow?
That's because I hate mustard.
Oh! It's starting.
What's starting?
The "Bud's Super-Needy Girlfriend" drinking game.
You're gonna want to eat something first.
- Oh, she looks lovely. - They always look lovely.
This is great, I can't even play the game I invented.
Okay, Frankie?
Someone has one thing, just one thing, to say to you.
Frankie, the work in this collection blows me away.
Put a sock in it, Sol.
I told you, man.
He told you.
Since when are there egg rolls?
And that's when I realized I have celiac disease.
Oh, of course you do.
Gluten allergies are so common nowadays.
- Oh, gosh, global warming. - Yeah.
- It's real. It's very real. - Sucks.
Do you have other allergies?
It's quicker to list the things I'm not allergic to.
Mm-hmm.
Plums.
I don't even like them that much.
Why are you all drinking in a clump?
We are...
just celebrating the fact that I'm going to buy one of your paintings.
Oh, really?
Which one spoke to you?
The... second least expensive one.
Uh-huh.
And Mitch is so sad he's missing this,
he said to get one to bring home.
Oh, cut the crap, you two.
Nobody's buying any paintings.
I don't mean "nobody," I mean you people.
No family can buy art.
I don't want any part of your pity ponchos or your pity purchases.
If you love a piece, I will give it to you free of charge.
And "free of charge" does not include delivery.
I once ordered a pizza and then I got robbed.
- Right. - I can see that.
I'm much more like that one, I think, than this one.
Yeah, well, whatever you see, honey.
They're both handsome.
Grace!
- Hey. - Hey, there.
- Hi. - Hi.
- Hey! Hey, hey. - Oh, yeah. Right.
Peter.
Oh, I feel your belt.
- Oh! - How are you, Grace?
Oh, thank you for asking, Judy. I'm fine.
So, what's new? Are you seeing anybody?
That's a rude question, Peter.
I don't have time for that. I'm too busy with my new business.
Good for you.
No, good for you, Judy. Trust me. Good for you.
And maybe good for you, too, Peter, if you're open.
He's not.
I mean, I have no idea what you're talking about,
but I'm telling you, he's not.
- I might be. - You're not.
I'm not.
- Frankie. - Sol, quit shadowing me, man.
You are so brave.
Oh, stop! I don't need your fake support.
I don't need anybody but me to tell me that I'm an artist.
Not even, perhaps, Sir Kenneth Loggins?
Oh, really?
He's the last freaking person I need to hear from.
How do you even mention his name to me?
Excuse me.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
- You're here. Why are you here? - It's my military training.
Never leave a man behind in hostile territory.
I did a bad thing, Robert. I did a very bad thing.
You've been here for ten minutes. What could you have possibly done?
I did it before I came.
Okay, that tracks.
- Hello, Grace. - Robert.
How are you?
Oh, so good.
So, so good.
So much happening with the business.
- So, things are good? - Things are good.
- How about with you? - Things are good with me, too.
My things are better.
It turns out that my accountant was a bigamist,
who wasn't technically even an accountant.
I have to pee. Hey, Bud, do you have my special soap?
I hope it's still good. I lost my sense of smell.
No. No, you're not.
Yes, we are.
I told you that drinking game bothers me!
That little bag of soap bothers me.
You know what? You guys suck.
So sorry, I'm new here, so...
Allison's great. Unlike you, she's kind. She has a big heart.
Oh, we know, she told us about that condition.
Fuck you all.
I like her more than I like you people right now.
- He's gonna go help her wipe. - I heard that!
False alarm. Nothing came out.
Ooh!
- We should line up a few more. - Mm-hmm.
Should I have sold a painting by now?
Should I have sold 12 paintings?
Are they bidding over the phone? Have you been on the horn with Japan?
I hate Japan.
They only buy masterpieces.
I just had a thought. I had a thought.
Family can't buy paintings, but you can.
Right. I guess I should probably buy all the paintings I can now,
since, if I play my cards right...
someday I might, you know, actually be family.
So by "family" you mean like
people who choose to be related... by choice?
Yes, by choice.
So, what do you think about that?
Right now what do I think about that, like, right now?
You realize you can only stall so much
by repeating back to me what I say?
I can only stall so long by repeating back to you...
- Stop it! - Can we not have this conversation here?
I just...
I thought we were headed in a certain direction.
Barry, you know me. I'm not a future person.
I'm more of a, "This is so good, let's keep doing this," person.
Right, but at some point if we keep doing this,
it takes us into the future.
Do you even see me in that future?
I don't not... see...
- Not... - Oh, my God.
No, it's not you, Barry. I don't see myself
with more family in the future.
I thought you knew this.
I do now.
Barry...
I noticed you gave up when the bartender was taking too long.
For you.
Really?
This didn't come from a box of martinis you bought me four years ago?
Just made. I promise.
Then thank you.
You're welcome.
Wow. Frankie's a better artist than I thought.
Indeed.
It really does kind of capture Grace now, doesn't it?
It's just so sad, though.
I mean, I used to envy her. We all did.
She had everything.
Now she has to work so hard to prove she didn't end up like this.
Yeah, it's a real shame.
Poor Grace.
Oh, excuse me. I'm so glad you're enjoying Frankie's art,
but if you could perhaps keep the cruelty to a minimum.
I...
- We didn't mean... - Don't even.
Come on.
Thank you.
You okay?
Yeah, I'm great.
They don't know anything about you.
Or maybe they do.
What are you talking about?
Your things are better than my things.
And Brianna just told me you've got a big loan all lined up.
Yeah, I lied.
I lied to our daughter.
We didn't get the loan.
You will. And as I recall, it took a few tries the last time, too.
The last time I wasn't 73.
Mr. Loggins,
I am so thrilled that you came here tonight.
I personally am especially moved.
You did call me about 700 times.
And you were very patient, no matter how insistent I became.
You know, I'm looking forward to meeting Frankie tonight.
I really like her stuff.
Here's the thing, you can't come in.
Excuse me?
Your being here tonight was the grand gesture I was looking for.
It turns out it was actually too grand,
and it would undermine my ex-wife's newfound confidence as an artist.
She's learning to follow her inner muse
and she doesn't need validation from you anymore.
Which, you have to admit, is really growth for her.
What the fuck?
I'm sorry. I really should have listened to my husband.
The truth is I've never been comfortable with people being angry at me.
And now that includes you, Kenny Loggins.
Hi. Thank you.
You're an artist, Mom.
You're exactly what you wanted to be when you grew up.
I wish I could say the same.
Oh, honey.
Who's that man your father's talking to?
Oh, my God!
Oh!
You've got to go!
Oh, my God!
Oh, was that... ?! Was that... ?!
Yes, and I'm sorry I brought him here, but I sent him away.
Why would you send him away?
You said you didn't need him anymore!
Nobody doesn't need Kenny Loggins!
Oh, Sol, you are really working my left teat.
I can't win. I'm trying to make things up to you and I can't win.
No, you can't. Maybe someday, but definitely not today.
Kenny! Kenny!
It was sweet of you to try.
It was sweet of you to come.
I know.
Can I go home and put on my pajamas?
Can I go home and put on my noose?
What's your damage?
I didn't sell a painting to Kenny Loggins... twice.
See that woman over there?
She's been staring at that painting for a good two-and-a-half martinis.
And I've been pacing myself.
What?
Go over there.
Go!
I heard you've been spending some time with this piece.
This reminds me of a painting that was in the house that I grew up in.
It's not the actual painting, but it's the memory of it,
and it brings me back to a happy time.
Oh, wow.
And the yellow makes me feel hopeful.
Really? I just put the yellow in because my ex-husband hates mustard.
- But I like your interpretation better. - Hm.
Would you like to take the happy time home with you?
You know, I really would, but I can't afford it.
How much you got?
♪ Ain't nobody ♪
- I'm so proud of you. - ♪ Gonna turn me around no more ♪
♪ No ♪
♪ Ain't nobody ♪
♪ No ♪
♪ Gonna turn me around ♪
♪ No ♪
♪ Well, I've learned my lesson And now I see ♪
♪ Love ain't the thing for me ♪
♪ Ain't nobody ♪
♪ Nobody, nobody, no! ♪
♪ Gonna turn me around ♪
♪ Turn me around ♪
♪ Turn me around, turn me around ♪
♪ Ain't nobody ♪
♪ No ♪
♪ Gonna talk sweet talk to me ♪
♪ No ♪
♪ Ain't nobody ♪
♪ No ♪
♪ Gonna tell me how sweet love can be ♪
♪ No ♪
♪ I'm gonna take my love And put it on the shelf... ♪
Okay, good night!