[Grace Potter's "Stuck In The Middle" playing]
♪ Well, I don't know Why I came here tonight ♪
♪ Got the feelin' That somethin' ain't right ♪
♪ I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair ♪
♪ And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs ♪
♪ And there's clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right ♪
♪ Here I am Stuck in the middle with you ♪
♪ Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪ SYNC by DakinPEx
Sorry about the false alarm, gang.
Also, sorry about the three false alarms before that.
Don't apologize. Our baby will come out when she's good and ready.
Yeah.
Or maybe she won't and you'll become some kind of folk legend.
♪ But that lady kept on truckin' And she kept on being pregnant ♪
I really thought this was the one.
I had hopes, too. Your screams were so unsettling.
Thank you.
Let us know when you're heading back to the hospital and we'll be there.
I don't want to go back there.
Don't have to go back there until your water breaks.
I don't want to go back there ever.
How could our doctor retire a week before my due date?
He didn't retire. He was retired by the hospital. For being 85.
And for driving his Cadillac through the emergency room.
Well, I'm not going back to that 14-year-old who's on call.
-He called me "the girl who cried baby." -He was trying to be funny.
Yeah, well, if I want a comedian to deliver our baby, I'll call Gallagher.
Gallagher's in Cuyahoga Falls this week.
Well, I wish that doctor was in Cuyahoga Falls this week.
[scoffs] He was so condescending.
-It's like, who does he think he is? -A medical doctor?
Bud, I will not have our baby there.
Allison, you're frustrated.
-You're hormonal. -Tread lightly, soldier.
You're beautiful.
But Dr. O'Neill is delivering our baby.
Dr. Puberty isn't coming near our baby.
Allison, you know...
Remember that thing I just said about light treading to Bud?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Recent studies have shown home birth, done with care,
reduces the risk of infection and enhances bonding.
-Allison. -Ooh.
She reads this stuff in a newsletter that she writes.
I don't care.
The home birth rate has increased by 30 percent in the last ten years.
And, hey, if it's good enough for Meryl Streep...
-Meryl? -That's right.
And guess what else?
You know someone very qualified and experienced to perform the delivery.
-Meryl? -No, me.
I've delivered lots of babies in the '60s and in the early part of the '70s.
Really until the commune disbanded
and Guru Jeff went to jail for marrying too many ladies.
Frankie... will you deliver my baby?
-Yes, Allison, a thousand times, yes! -[Allison laughs]
Oh!
You can't be serious.
Serious as a federal polygamy inquest.
I've got to go make a list.
-[Sol clears throat] -Dad, a little help?
I find it's best
to not get in your mother's way with this kind of stuff.
Oh, you mean like the birth of my child?
Bud, you need to remember
that this baby is as much your mother's as it is yours.
Ouch.
[door opens]
-What are you looking for? -Oh, we need a cord clamp.
[Sol] Wait, a cord clamp?
Do you have a cord clamp?
No, but I have a chip clip.
Ha.
And we need alcohol. And towels. A lot of towels.
You know, to wipe up the miracle.
We've got plenty of towels at our place. Robert's a bit of a linen queen.
Perfect. Now where in Helena did I put my birthing clogs?
Hi, girl. How's tricks?
Grace, why are you sitting on the stairs?
Why do people sit on a couch?
It's just as arbitrary as a good stair-sit if you think about it.
What's in the backpack?
Stuff. You know, backpack stuff. [clears throat]
Let me have a little look.
A mug, a teabag, a hot plate,
a kettle, and some homemade trail mix.
I can see what's going on here.
Oh, you always say that and it's never true.
You wanted a cup of tea in the bath, you couldn't carry it
because you have to have both hands free to scoot up the stairs.
Wait, why can't you make it up the stairs?
Because she's having knee replacement surgery in two days,
and her doctor wants her to do a full detox.
No booze and no pain pills.
My angels.
Grace, it's not safe for you to be here by yourself unable to walk.
-[scoffs] -You know,
Frankie and I are planning on waiting at my house
until we get the big call from Bud.
I convinced them to have a home birth.
You're not using my towels!
[scoffs]
Of course not. Paranoid.
Why don't you come stay with us?
It'll be the perfect place to detox before your surgery.
Wow, really?
Oh, thanks.
That sounds absolutely fucking horrible.
He's right. There will be plenty of people to take care of you
and there are no stairs.
Well, there are two stairs.
All of this worry is unnecessary.
Believe me when I say, leave my house.
Are you gonna make me miss my grandbaby's birth
because you're being stubborn?
Do you want me to never speak to you again?
Hmm.
[scoffs]
-Grace? -Well, I'm... I'm thinking.
Pick her up, Sol.
Frankie, uh...
I'm a 75-year-old man.
Jacob could do it.
Why are you always trying to drive a wedge between Jacob and me?
I'm fine. Nick is coming over this afternoon.
Nice try.
We both know that he is in Anaheim this week buying Walt Disney's head.
Okay, fine.
But Sol's not carrying me.
No problem.
I will get the wheelbarrow.
[Robert humming]
♪ Seventy-six trombones Led the big parade ♪
♪ With 110 cornets close at hand ♪
♪ They were followed by Rows and rows of the finest virtuosos ♪
♪ Sos, the cream of every famous band ♪
[grunts]
♪ The cream of every famous ba-- ♪
[sighs]
♪ The cream of every-- ♪
I hate my feet.
♪ The cream of every famous ba-- ♪
[knock on door]
Coming.
Hi, Robert.
-Oh, I like your hat. -Oh.
What, uh... can I do for you?
Actually, I was hoping that we could talk. May I come in?
-Uh, in here? -Yes.
-To talk? -Yes.
Of course.
Sorry for coming over uninvited like this, but...
Are those jazz shoes?
They're just shoes. I'm the jazz.
How can I help you?
Did something happen between you and Oliver?
I'm not sure I know what you mean.
It's just... we had such a great time with you,
and every time I try to get Oliver to invite you over,
he gets cagey and weird.
It's so unlike him.
So, you were trying to talk to him about me and Sol?
I did this morning, but he just stormed off,
said he needed to dance it out.
[chuckles] I've been there.
Robert, what's going on?
You know, I'm not sure that--
-Oh, God. -Sol!
Look who stopped by, and we've barely had a chance to speak.
Oh, good. New people. I'm already glad I came.
Grace, how lovely, and Frankie. Jo, say hello to Grace and Frankie.
-'Sup. -Nice to meet you.
To what do I owe this surprise visit?
I was going to ask the same thing about Jo.
Well, Sol, why don't we get all our surprise visitors some drinks.
-Can you help me in the kitchen? -Mind if I tag along?
I need to borrow, and possibly ruin, all your towels.
Perfect!
Frankie. I...
Lady I don't know, help me to the couch.
-Well, grab my arm! -Okay.
What is Jo doing here?!
Relax. She doesn't know.
I've got that situation under control. So, what the hell is Grace doing here?
She's having knee surgery
and I offered her our place so she could avoid stairs.
Right, her surgery.
Oh, you knew? I guess you forgot to mention it to me.
I would have, Sol,
but if you're gonna go on cruises by yourself,
you're gonna miss stuff.
What was I supposed to do?!
Miss a duet between Joan Baez and Donovan?
Not likely!
I was hoping we could spend time together tonight.
I wasn't expecting company.
Oh, I'm not company. I'm a beloved fixture.
[gasps] Oh, these will do!
Sol, what does she want with my grandmother's tea towels?
Oh, we had a little snafu at the hospital
and Frankie is now going to deliver Bud and Allison's baby in their apartment.
Absolutely not with these.
-Thanks for the crap. -You're welcome.
Now, then, Sol, let's make some Harvey Wallbangers for everyone,
and then we'll send off our guests.
Make mine a virgin.
I can't drink and deliver.
-And Grace can't drink, either. -Ha! Can you imagine?
No, seriously. She has to detox before her surgery.
Doctor's orders.
-Robert? -Sol... you fool!
Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do.
-You're scaring me. -Oh, be afraid. Afraid indeed.
I have only seen Grace not drink twice in my life.
Once, when we were stranded on a ship in the Indian Ocean,
and once, when she was pregnant with Mallory.
What about when she was pregnant with Brianna?
No.
Friends, let me tell you what is about to happen here:
the three phases of sober Grace.
I'm hooked.
Phase one: irritability.
The complete loss of all politeness and all social courtesy.
How will we tell?
I love your little scarf.
It's strong enough to choke a man.
Phase two...
euphoria.
Now this is a tricky one, because she is so lovely,
and you'll think the worst is over, but you'll be wrong.
It is just the calm before phase three: rage.
Pure, unfiltered rage. And you don't want to be close when it hits.
She will cut to the core of you. She will mix lies with the truth.
She can't control it. It controls her.
But friends, if you stick with me...
we may just live through this night.
Jesus.
Oh, he can't help you now.
-[door slams] -[Oliver] Robert!
Who is that?
-Oh, God. -[Jo] Oliver, what are you doing here?
No, don't.
Robert!
I told you not to talk to her.
Why? What happened between you two?
[sighs] Robert thinks I shouldn't be marrying you.
What? Why?
Because he thinks I'm gay.
Sol, would you mind taking me back home or setting me on fire?
Okay, breathe. Just breathe.
Everything's gonna be okay. Okay, one more big breath.
[inhales]
[exhales]
This is weird. This is wrong. My mother shanghaied the birth of my child.
It's gonna be fine, man. People have been born for a long time.
I don't know what that means.
Yeah, that was nonsense.
Bud, doesn't it tell you something
that the most hospital-positive person in the world is okay with this?
It tells me you may have been Frankie-Bergsteined.
I know what it's like.
That's how I ended up with a tattoo on my butt.
Yep. It says "Livin' La Vida Loca. "
And why both "vida" and "loca" are misspelled.
Thanks, Mal, and thanks for bringing the twins' kiddie pool.
-Oh, actually... -The pool's mine, babe.
So Robert said you're gay. So what?
Honey, if I got upset every time someone told me you were gay, I'd be upset a lot.
My mother thought he was gay.
That's just because she and I watched a Falcon Crest marathon together.
If loving Falcon Crest is gay, then I'm Rip Taylor and both Indigo Girls.
Look, it's not a big deal. I know you're not attracted to men.
You know you're not attracted to men. What does it matter?
Yeah, these things have a way of working themselves out. Right, boys?
I didn't want to have this conversation here. Can we please go home?
Oh, no, stay here where it's inappropriate and awkward.
Good afternoon, folks. Please step in. May I speak to the homeowners?
My God, will you please tell Mr. Purcelli I didn't steal his goddamn dog?!
-It's not that this time. -Oh, God. This fucking guy.
Oh, yeah. You're the lady who doesn't have a gun. [chuckles]
I know about the gun. It was a whole thing.
-Catch up, Torres. -What can we do for you, Officer?
Well, it appears that an orangutan has escaped from the zoo,
and since you're within a two-mile radius, we need to cordon off the neighborhood.
Oh, God. Is it Bobo? Chocolate? Not Lady Beverly?
-It's Ken Allen, Jr. -Ken Allen's boy?!
-Well, I don't know who his dad is. -Excuse me. What?
Ken Allen, the hairy Houdini.
He escaped San Diego Zoo three times in the '70s.
He was a legend!
He high-fived me once.
He was reaching through the bars to get at your funnel cake,
and you high-fived him.
All I know is is that he has already attacked one zookeeper.
And male orangutans, when they feel threatened,
tend to, you know, rip scrotums off. So...
So like us.
If I know Ken Allen Jr., and I do, this could be a while.
Maybe we should go straight to Bud's now.
I can't let you leave. The neighborhood is on lockdown until further notice.
What? No. No, no, no, no, no, no.
-We just live next door... -No exceptions.
Hopefully we'll find Ken Allen Jr. within the hour.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to knock on more doors before he rips my nuts off.
Who else is rooting for the monkey?
So, do I just like sit there, legs spread,
kind of a like fertility goddess vibe?
Or do I just say "screw it" and go on all fours?
Either way, we're gonna get an eyeful.
I don't want the pool back, obviously.
That was Mom.
Oh, is she heading back over?
She is not.
-What? -Dad and Robert's place is under lockdown.
Apparently, an orangutan escaped from the zoo.
Who are we talking? Bonkers?
Jeffrey Baumgardner? Ape Blanchett?
How does your brain determine what facts to keep?
I'm sorry, what are we gonna do?
It's fine. Everything'll be okay. I'm sure she'll be here soon.
-Nothing to worry about until-- -My water...
Breaks. Exactly.
Broke. Just now.
Okay, so...
we have something to worry about.
-What? What? -Allison's water broke.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
We're trapped!
Robert, we're gonna need your shovels!
You're gonna tunnel out of here?
Oh, that's an even better idea!
It's gonna be okay. We'll be at the hospital soon.
Everything's gonna be okay.
What was I thinking, that I could do this at home?
-Why did you talk me into this? -Uh... because I didn't.
I know this is not a good time, but Allison, what moisturizer do you use?
-Your skin is so soft. -Put me down. Put me down.
I think it's too late. I can't move.
-Stop touching me. Oh, my God! -Okay.
Oh, God.
I think I'm having a panic attack. Oh, it's too much.
-My chess coach was right-- -Bud!
Look at me. Get up.
Snap out of it, okay?
This baby is coming, and we're gonna have to deal with it.
Fortunately for you, I have some experience at home births,
and was married to a doctor who delivered babies and was an asshole.
That last part isn't relevant,
but I think I can guide Allison through this, okay?
You're hurting me.
[groans]
[Bud gasps]
Okay, I'm gonna make a break for it.
Don't be silly. We just have to wait it out.
Wait this out, are you crazy? I'm not missing that birth.
Now you either get on my wavelength or you get out of my way.
Okay! Okay. Okay. Uh...
Here's an idea: we make a beeline for the car,
and once we make it past the police barricade, we're home free.
That's the talk momma likes.
Here we go.
Where the hell do you think you're going? There's a killer monkey out there.
You just don't want to deal with Oliver and Jo.
No, I do not want to deal with Oliver and Jo,
nor a dangerously sober Grace!
[Grace] Robert, have I told you how much I love this rug?
[sighs]
-Why is the hair on my neck standing up? -[whispers] Phase two.
Sol, I want you to ignore that nonsense and pay attention to this nonsense.
Now, let's go.
They're better off out there.
You know, you didn't exactly answer my question.
Again, I really rather not have this conversation here.
Okay, fine. But I think we need to have it at some point.
Why don't we go home, put on the original cast recording of Camelot,
-and talk it out. -But we can't get home!
-And I already listened to it today. -[sighs]
Everybody is so tense here.
Come on, Jo, plop yourself down. Let me give you a shoulder rub.
Actually, how about we do a shoulder rub train?
Robert? Gay guy?
Unhand me, Stormtrooper!
You promise to stop biting me?
It's involuntary.
We'll behave, Officer.
Oh, she's gonna have that baby and I'm gonna be stuck here.
I could just die. I really could.
Oh, sweetheart.
Don't be silly.
There's so much to live for:
cake pops, and the beach...
the mysteries of Paris.
You know, even my knee surgery is a miracle. And cake pops.
Ju-- Hmm?
That's so sweet, Phase Two.
But I don't care. I didn't give up my life with Jacob in Santa Fe
to miss these moments.
Think how happy you'll be when you get to hold that baby.
It won't matter that you weren't there at the birth.
It does matter.
-Why? -I wasn't there for the birth of our sons.
I didn't know Coyote and Bud were adopted.
You didn't know Bud was adopted?
I'd have given anything to be there for their first breath in the world.
And I just thought, if I could see this one,
it might make up for missing theirs.
Oh, God, Officer...
Officer, are you not moved?
I know you are a good man.
Isn't there anything you can do?
-Ma'am, I'm sorry, but-- -Oh, you could date my daughter.
The nice one with the-- with the cheek bones.
-Mallory? -Yeah.
Uh, give me five minutes.
Oh, I should have set him up with you.
But there's plenty of good men out there for both of you.
Excuse me, that's really not funny.
Don't you try to be butch, Stephanie.
-What? -I know where this story goes!
And this fit young woman isn't gonna give you the best years of her life
so you can just ditch her for some marionette with chinchillas for eyebrows!
I'll take that as a compliment.
Don't engage, Sol.
Why are you still here?
You have the use of your legs,
and the monkey doesn't care about anything but scrotums,
just like your boyfriend.
He's my fiancé and you're just a mean old bitch.
You all think we're just like you, but here's the big difference:
no matter who I'm attracted to, I would never cheat on Jo, okay?
-I love her, and she's my soul mate. -I'm his soul mate.
Oh! [laughs]
Soul mate! Now there... there is a meaningless concept.
This one just said to Frankie she was his soul mate just the other day.
Right, Sol? Didn't keep him from leaving her.
-Uh... Uh, I... -What did you say?
You said she was your soul mate just the other day?
I believe that what I said was Sol-mate,
as in a mate of Sol's.
Not in the romantic or biological sense.
No, more nautical in nature,
as in the assistant to the master of a merchant ship.
[door slams]
Originally, from the Middle English, "mette."
We have to get out of here. These people are crazy.
-We're fast. We live 20 feet away. -I don't care if we die out there.
-Breathe. -[groans] Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
[groaning]
Okay, Mallory, administer the epidural.
Oh.
Honey... no.
-[sobs] Oh, please... -I know.
It was just the day.
The long drive, the adventure, the Chili's.
I got caught up in the moment.
So you don't think Frankie is your soul mate?
-What does it matter? -Oh, Jesus.
What do you want me to do with this information, Sol?
I mean, what would you do if you were me?
[door opens]
[Torres] I have news.
[door closes]
[Frankie] I'm coming!
[footsteps]
He's got news.
[Frankie] Oh, what happened?
Is it good or bad?
I just got off the phone with my commanding officer,
and it's good news.
You shot that monkey and now you're here to shoot me?
No. I lost my gun.
I can get you two out, but we have to leave now.
Yes! Ha, ha!
[Torres] Uh, there is one catch:
I told him that I had an emergency with a pregnant woman about to give birth.
Oh!
Let's roll!
[Frankie laughs]
I'm sorry.
It's your grandchild. Go.
I promise we'll talk about this when I get home.
So, should I get Mallory's number from you, or just...
look her up on Facebook? Yeah. I'll do that.
-[door opens, closes] -I told them not to bring me here.
They should have listened.
[sighs]
I'm sorry.
-What? -I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to make things worse between you and Sol.
Grace, is this a new phase?
Yes. Phase four: remorse.
[sighs] Coupled with terror.
Terror?
You know, you will be able to drink again at some point.
Not if I die on the table. Do you know how much it would suck to die right now?
It's the one thing I specifically did not want to do.
-You're not gonna die. -You don't know that!
Well, remember before my surgery,
when you told me I was not allowed to die because you weren't done yelling at me?
Well, I'm telling you, you're not allowed to die
because you're still not done yelling at me.
Yeah, right.
It's that I just feel there's so much left to do.
And I really want a drink.
You're gonna have all the pain pills you want in two days.
That is the nicest thing you have ever said to me.
I know that you're worried about this soul mate business,
but, you know, what do you care?
You don't even believe in soul mates.
But Sol does.
And I guess I hoped that he might think...
I don't know,
that I was his.
-[groaning] -Okay, stop pushing. Breathe. Breathe.
[panting] Oh, she's coming!
But if she's born underwater, how is she gonna breathe?
She doesn't know how to hold her breath yet.
I couldn't swim until I was 14.
I don't understand this!
[screams]
Mom! You made it.
Of course I made it!
Nothing could keep Frankie Bergstein from being here.
Now, get me my towels!
[screams]
Ah. [gasps]
What?
I even made it for the crowning.
[groaning]
Okay, now, I want you just to relax.
I'm gonna try an ancient technique I learned with the Kalahari Bushmen
when I lived with them for a week after I got lost from my tour group.
[groans]
[taking deep breaths]
[chanting] Here, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby...
-Jesus, Mom, that can't be how it works. -She's coming! She's coming!
I see her shoulders!
When did I get in the baby pool?
[groans]
[Frankie] And here she is!
[baby crying]
[sighs]
[laughing]
[Frankie] Oh!
[baby crying]
-[Frankie laughing] -She's perfect.
Congratulations, Mommy.
Congratulations, Daddy. [laughs]
Nice work, Grandma.
And you were here.
I was here. [chuckles]
She's beautiful.
[Sol] Um, it's not a big deal,
but you have to name the baby "Officer Torres."
♪ It was written that I would love you ♪
♪ From the moment I opened my eyes ♪
♪ And the morning when I first saw you ♪
♪ Gave me life under calico skies ♪
♪ I will hold you ♪
♪ For as long as you like ♪
♪ I'll hold you ♪
♪ For the rest of my life ♪
[woman] Okay, good night.