[Grace Potter's "Stuck In The Middle" playing]
♪ Well, I don't know Why I came here tonight ♪
♪ Got the feelin' That somethin' ain't right ♪
♪ I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair ♪
♪ And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs ♪
♪ And there's clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right ♪
♪ Here I am Stuck in the middle with you ♪
♪ Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
Look who's doing the walk of shame.
Mmh.
Brassiere is unaccounted for, stilettos in hand.
You work it, girl.
What the hell are you talking about?
I spent the night with my boyfriend, took a car back here.
Like I said. Walk of shame.
You do you, boo.
Do we have to do this right now? I got to get to the office, boo.
But you promised me a meeting for my Vybrant ideas.
Well, I am officially breaking my promise.
Oh, no fair. I finished your new to-do list.
I to-do-ed it all, including getting staples.
"Staples" is the brand name of the pad I wrote the list on.
- Good, because I forgot to get staples. - [sighs]
Ever wonder why the donut has its own national day?
Ever wonder why spicy mustard has a week?
Not for one second.
Well, wonder no more!
"National Vibrator Day"?
It's like National Donut Day but for vibrators!
Grace, not only will this get us tons of great publicity,
it will also reach vaginas of all socioeconomic classes!
[claps]
I like the enthusiasm, but vibrators aren't like donuts.
People don't bring a dozen into work.
Because masturbation in the office isn't socially acceptable...
yet.
Okay, so... great meeting.
That wasn't a meeting. That wasn't even five minutes.
Frankie, this is a lot of energy coming at me and I barely slept at Nick's.
"I barely slept at Nick's."
Bragging about your love-making is not going to stop me.
What will?
Nothing. I'm unstoppable.
Your robe is caught on the cabinet.
Why does this keep happening?
Bye!
Can you believe my monstrous housemate?
I mean, it's our company.
Sol, how do you go about getting a national day for vibrators?
In Masturbation Month, which is May, of course.
You'd think it would be a winter month.
But day-making isn't really my area of expertise.
At least now that we've talked shop, I can write this brunch off.
You can't write off a free brunch made by Coyote.
[chuckles] Free?
[both laugh]
At least he cooks us a meal when he asks for money.
How much is this going to cost?
I mean, what's on the menu?
Brunch is served.
Frittata Coyota.
Italian eggs.
This is gonna hurt.
Oh, honey, you didn't have to go to all this trouble.
Anything for you two.
Just tell us what you need.
What I need is for you guys to look under your seats.
Umm.
Oh, sorry, under your plates.
What is this?
I don't get it.
It looks like a check, but it's...
but it's made out to me.
I wanna start paying you guys back
for all the money you've loaned me over the years.
How can you afford this?
- I'm a teacher. - Right, how can you afford this?
I'm also an extreme couponer.
Guess how much I paid for these slightly expired eggs?
- You don't have to pay us back. - I do.
And I've wanted to for a long time.
That's very sweet.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
- Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you. - [Coyote] Hmm.
[Frankie] Oh.
[both chuckle]
Do you have any idea how to get a national day for a vibrator?
Oh.
I don't, but it should definitely be in May.
That's what I thought.
So, Brianna was thinking we should send gifts to all the execs...
Did it.
Nice bottle of scotch and tickets to Celine Dion.
- She also wants you... - Payroll, did it.
Yep. Okay.
Now, we need to chart out the best locations
- for our products... - Did it. Sorted by state,
cities, and areas with the least number of Denny's.
[softly] Wow.
You did all that already this morning?
Bingo.
[sighs] Where do you get the energy?
Life energizes me. The work energizes me.
My boyfriend energizes me. [chuckles]
- How much coffee you have this morning? - Zip. Zero.Nada.
- What is going on with you, Mom? - Zip. Zero.Nada.
This is what focus looks like.
- Grace, I have big news. - Did it.
Your midterm reviews were stellar.
We have midterm reviews?
- No. - Yes.
And sorry, Mal, yours are not so great.
But Grace's are excellent,
which is why I am giving you a promotion to co-CEO!
What the hell are you blabbing about?
See, and there is that co-CEO fire that served you so well in those reviews.
I have fire.
- Spill it. - Fine.
Fast Company is doing a story on "Female CEOs Over 70".
And I think...
with this,
we could get the cover.
So, first you mock me for my age and now you need me for it?
See, I don't see age.
- Honestly, it's sad you do. - [scoffs]
So, we're going to lie and say I'm CEO?
Yes. And you are going to be lying later today,
- so we have a lot of prep work to do. - This is happening today?
It's called Fast Company for a reason. They move fast.
Also someone else fell through so we have a shot.
Okay, I'm in.
But on Monday I want my name on the office door.
Your name is in gigantic letters right there.
Not my last name.
Can I get a desk?
You have a desk. You're at it.
Another one? No.
[camera shutter clicks]
Oh, that's so cute, Sol!
Here, let's take a picture of the two checks together.
I'm not just taking a picture, I'm actually depositing the check.
- What? - Through an app on the phone.
It's called mobile banking.
Are you crazy? You're depositing his check?
Well... wait...
- Can you do that on your phone? - Yes.
- What were you gonna do with your check? - Decoupage it like a normal person!
Children shouldn't have to pay their parents back.
He's not a child. He's a man who wants to act like a man.
And I, for one, am going to encourage that.
By bleeding him dry?
It's called holding him accountable, Frankie.
It's called being a hard-ass, Sol.
- I'm okay with that. - I'm not.
Let's get him back here right now. We need to do a feeling circle about this.
No! No, no, no more feeling circles.
Maybe, when the children were younger,
we should have had a few less feeling circles
and a few more hard truth circles.
[door closes]
Sorry. Did I come at a bad time?
Yes, if you had come earlier you would have seen Sol.
I don't recognize this guy.
Oh, I've met this guy.
Another box from Wayfair?
How many dog beds can one dog use?
Shh.
[whispers] It's a surprise.
[Sol] And don't sit down.
Bud and I are going wedding suit shopping.
But Carl needs a nice long walk and so does your heart.
And Frankie, you can do whatever you want with our son's gift and so can I.
Have fun spending your son's money on your other son's suit!
That check won't clear until tomorrow!
- Fine, but... - [door closes]
What the hell?
I wasn't done yelling at him yet.
Try being married to him.
Oh, right. Can you imagine?
Oh, right.
You just met the new Sol.
The Sol I went to Best Buy with to buy a new TV.
Well, as I was handing over my Amex card,
he told the sales guy that we were not ready for an upgrade yet.
Well, I was ready for an upgrade.
The same thing happened to me with Grace.
But not with a TV, with a chainsaw.
Hey, would you like to have a drink?
- I'll take anything with an umbrella. - Follow me.
Make it three umbrellas. I'll Uber home.
Oh, God.
"Before you drink, remember it makes your sleep apnea worse."
Honest to God.
He's like a drill sergeant on my health.
The other night I had a great time in this wonderful old gay bar.
All I wanted to do is tell him about it.
All he wanted to do was scold me for having a scotch and a cheeseburger.
What kind of cheese?
Oh, right, right. Not the point, but I feel you.
I was really excited to tell Grace my Vybrant idea,
and all she could focus on was how vibrators aren't like donuts.
Ooh. What kind of donuts?
Oh, right. Not the point.
Has Sol ever told you that you can't have this?
Candy? Oh, yeah, not allowed.
Oh, my friend, this is so much more than candy.
So, the article is about older women who are still dynamic in the workplace.
So, find a way to mention Snapchat and where you were during Pearl Harbor.
It's a delicate dance.
Grace!
What?
Mom, you fell asleep.
Because you're boring.
I know how to do an interview.
Good, because Fast Company is going to be here in half an hour
and it needs to be shock and awe, so pull it together.
[sighs]
[gasps]
You need some help?
- I'm fine. - Mom, I can open it.
- Oh, it's just... The arthritis is... - It's okay.
No one can open child-proof caps.
- Wh... - Except my children. Give it.
[Grace gasps]
- Seriously? - It's nothing.
It's totally something. Why are you taking those?
Just two in the morning for a little kick.
You were prescribed two a day?
I don't know the exact dose. They're Arlene's.
You stole them from Arlene?
She doesn't like them.
Mom, if you took two this morning, why are you taking more now?
I need a little pick-me-up if I'm gonna nail this interview.
Like you have a cup of coffee in the afternoon,
and then you have five more cups.
Except when I order a chai latte, I don't need a note from my doctor.
Well, if you start to crash, try one.
After about 20 minutes, you're really poppin'.
I've tried them. I have a kid with ADD.
Right, the boy. I know him.
- Then you know he isn't 80 years old. - Which is why I need it.
I mean, who can deal with all this shit at 80?
I am a man.
If I sit on a chair...
I become a chairman.
But of what?
[chuckles] I want to say balloons, but I know that's not right.
- I love balloons. - Oh.
- I love red balloons, blue balloons. - [softly] I...
I'm good on pot.
Oh, you are! Who knew?
[sniffs]
I want to smell balloons.
[both laughing]
I'm so tired.
- Why did I ever wait this long to try it? - You waited for me.
- This is our time, Robert. - We are.
[laughs]
Did I tell you that I love your idea?
Which one?
I love your idea of donut day for vibrators.
Yes.
Oh, but I can't do it.
- Grace just stands in my way. - Oh, forget about Grace.
May I ask you,
did Alexander Graham... Cracker
need anyone's permission to invent the cotton gin?
[chuckles] He didn't invent the cotton gin.
- Oh. - But I don't know how to make a day.
Just do an Internet.
Oh, my God. Have you always been this wise?
- Oh. - I think I have.
"Tomorrow is National Vibrator Day.
Free vibrators and donuts to anyone who retweets this!"
- That's the stuff! - [sighs]
Oh, wait, I just posted that on Bud's Facebook wall.
Now, I'll tweet it.
Let me help you.
- No. - [both laugh]
1998, I started this company in a shoe box on Juniper Street.
We had nothing.
Bootstraps. Concrete walls.
One year later. Boom.
Our face cream had a two percent market-share. Boom.
Eleven straight quarters of growth.
Boom.
- Impressive. - Boom.
What made you so successful?
Energy, tenacity, zest, vigor.
- Did I say zest? It's worth saying twice. - [laughs]
- Wow, you really go a mile a minute. - I go five miles and I never get tired.
[sighs] Let's have a staring contest. Don't blink.
Uh... okay.
You're blinking.
A lot.
What the hell?
Oh, I forgot to tell you a little thing.
- Mom's on drugs. - Well, yeah.
- New drugs. - [laughs] I won!
[laughs]
- [Grace laughs] - Hmm.
[Robert] I take the sandwich,
and then I take the tuna from the other half of the sandwich,
and I take out the two pieces of bread and throw them away.
That's just a handful of tuna.
Exactly.
What were we talking about?
The leather bar.
No, no, no.
It was leather night in a regular bar.
I can't see you in leather.
[chuckles] I wasn't wearing leather.
Wait. Wait.
Now... you are.
Whoa, Daddy.
Wow.
I feel like the wild one.
I think the look needs a hat.
In fact, we both should be wearing hats.
[whispers] Yes.
[both] Yes. Yes. Yes.
- [Frankie laughs] - Yes.
[both laugh]
What do you mean she took a bunch?
Don't know. She took two this morning, one in front of me,
and she might've taken another after I left.
You let her take that? What? Did you open the bottle for her, too?
Uh... Mmh.
Try to knock me down.
- Excuse me? - Come on. Try to knock me down.
She means, try to knock her down in this business.
- 'Cause no one can, right, Grace? - I'm sure Elena has to go now.
You've given her so much already. So, so, so much.
But I have more to say.
Sometimes, in an interview, it's about what you don't say.
Yeah. So, let's do some don't saying.
We haven't even gotten to the juicy stuff yet.
- There's juicy stuff? - Oh, you have no idea.
- Mom. Mommy. Grace. - I had to come back to save the company
- at 80-years-old. - Mommy.
- Oh, fun. - Brianna was running the company.
- I was. - Into the ground.
We have some financial issues, but are dealing with them.
This one works for free.
Don't get me wrong, she doesn't have any experience.
I paid for her degree. She didn't use it.
Anyway, I brokered a deal with Starling Hotels to save us from Chapter 11.
I did set up that deal.
You were willing to give up our name.
[chuckles] What's a company without its name? Nothing!
And she's the smart one.
- [Grace] You got that? - [interviewer] I did. Yeah.
[doorbell rings]
China Bucket's in the house!
Whoa! That's a lot.
Don't worry, we'll get it down. Come on in.
Let me give you a tip.
[Frankie] No, no, no, Robert!
This is the new way.
- [phone camera clicks] - [snickers]
- Now we email him the money shot. - [laughs]
How about we do it the old way, just one last time.
Oh.
My husband would kill me if he knew I was eating all this fried food.
Then he'll kill you if you eat the Sesame Chicken.
It's technically fried and candied.
Are you lying to me right now?
I never lie about Chinese food.
So it's like a fried candy bar?
But it's chicken.
Shut up.
[chuckles]
[breathing shakily]
Oh, hey! Where the hell have you two been?
I did it. I got us the cover.
Congratulations.
I'm so happy for you and your company that you saved single-handedly.
What's with the attitude? I did exactly what you asked me to.
Huh!
I don't remember asking you to call me incompetent
and to take all the credit for everything.
Mal, do you remember me doing that?
I wouldn't know. I'm too dumb to understand anything.
[laughing]
What?
This tableau right here is Sol's worst nightmare. [laughs]
- Oh, Sol, Shmol. - [Robert sniffs]
- Let me ask you something. - Hmm.
If one of your girls wrote you a check to pay back all the money they owed you,
- would you cash it? - Sure.
I'd use the money to buy ice skates, because hell would've frozen over.
[laughs]
- That wasn't even that funny. - [Robert laughs]
But I'm going to laugh anyway.
- [Robert sniffs, laughs] - Wait, no, here it comes.
- No, nothing. - Oh.
[bell chimes]
- What was that? - Your doorbell.
- Come in! - [bell chimes]
Oh, that's me.
Hey, 22 retweets!
I actually started a Vibrator Day.
Will children get the day off from school?
[laughs]
No, I'm serious.
No, the hell-frozen-over joke just hit me.
I think all this food made my high go away.
- Hey, you want to watch Get Smart? - You're still high.
Oh, careful.
God forbid Carl should eat any food not prepared by Sol.
Where is Carl?
[Frankie chuckles softly]
Carl!
- Carl! - Here, boy.
Carl!
- Does he have a last name? - I never asked!
Oh, my God, he's not here. Frankie, he's not here!
Don't worry, if he got out, somebody will look at the tags on his collar and call.
Carl!
Carl Bergstein!
[sighs]
Okay, I get it. I... I was a little over the top.
[clicks tongue]
You're not actually packing up your desk?
Sure I am.
You saved the company and I almost destroyed it.
- So, why would I stay? - Oh, come on.
I told a good story and now we have the cover.
A good story for who?
All right, I'm sorry if I stepped on your toes.
You took a pipe to our knees.
- [Grace sighs] - And that's not even the worst part.
Okay, I also took too many of those stupid pills.
She's not talking about the pills.
She's talking about why you came back here.
I came back here because you needed my help.
That's how you're going to justify this?
- Yeah. - [Brianna] Really?
So, that first day, when you had that meeting behind my back,
was that really to get an early start or was that just to humiliate me?
I was trying to teach you that you have to work a little harder to be a success.
You weren't trying to teach me how to be better.
You were trying to teach me you were better, and you did an excellent job.
You saved your legacy.
It's not that you said all those terrible things.
It's that you actually believe them.
Wow.
[softly] Yeah... wow for us, too.
[exhales] You're right. I...
[sighs]
I guess I was trying to prove that even though I'm 80,
I'm better than everyone.
And I guess that included both of you, and I'm so sorry.
I never should've done that.
- What's happening? - Don't know.
She said she was sorry, then I blacked out.
What are you doing?
I am going home and I don't think I should come back.
Is this a trick?
[chuckles]
No. I mean, look, I'll always be there if you need me, but...
this is your company and I'm done telling you what to do.
Okay, now I know this is a trick.
What about your legacy?
I'm looking at it.
Can I give you one last bit of advice?
Start paying your sister because she works really hard. [inhales]
[exhales]
Mom. Aren't you forgetting something?
Oh, yeah, you want my restroom key.
Mom!
[sighs]
Fine. Fine.
[Grace sighs]
[elevator dings]
We're splitting those.
Oh. Carl?
Carl?
Carl.
- Carl. - [door closes]
Carl?
[sighs]
What are you still doing here?
Uh... We...
[stutters] We didn't finish our fight!
Well, what else did you want to say about it?
I don't know. I have to look at my notes.
You won't believe the retorts I've compiled.
Wait a minute. Where's Carl?
Carl wanted to go out.
It seems he wanted some alone time, but he didn't tell Robert.
He keeps a lot of secrets. I mean, what is his last name?
Oh, my God. You lost my dog?
He couldn't have gone far.
How could you two let this happen?
And where did all this Chinese food come from?
These are all good questions.
If I had my list of retorts, I could start answering them.
- Are you high? - Yes,
but only 'cause Robert couldn't drink.
Robert's high?
Why do you think there's so much Chinese food?
Robert ate Chinese food?!
Carl did not. Robert was adamant about that.
So let me get this straight.
You got my husband high,
you fed him a bunch of fried food, and then you lost my dog?
I don't know if it was in that order.
I cannot believe how irresponsible you are.
I never thought I'd see the day where Coyote is the mature one.
Hey, don't you start ragging on my son.
I'm ragging on you.
And wait until I get a hold of Robert.
Now, excuse me,
- I'm going to look for my dog! - [doorknob clicks]
- [door closes] - Hey-hoo. [chuckles]
Did you get a nice suit?
- [Robert chuckles] - Oh.
- Thank God. - [Robert chuckles]
Does he seem angry
or am I in that phase of being high where you're really paranoid?
No. He's super pissed.
[sighs]
[door opens and closes]
Frankie, why do we have thousands of requests for free vibrators and donuts?
What do you mean? There were just 22 retweets an hour ago.
Oh, yeah, well, Kareena G retweeted it to her 11.5 million followers.
And 50,000 of them retweeted it!
Oh, wow! That's just great!
How are we going to get the money to pay for all this?
Did you know...
you can just send this right to the bank?
["Stay In My Corner" playing]
♪ I won't always be a winner, babe ♪
♪ In fact, I'm bound to burn ♪
♪ All these bumps in the road, dear ♪
♪ They're just lessons we learned ♪
♪ We learned ♪
♪ Stay in my corner, babe ♪
♪ Stay in my corner, please ♪
[woman] Okay, good night.