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00:00:06,131 --> 00:00:09,175
[Grace Potter's
"Stuck In The Middle" playing]
2
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♪ Well, I don't know
Why I came here tonight ♪
3
00:00:16,808 --> 00:00:19,978
♪ Got the feelin'
That somethin' ain't right ♪
4
00:00:20,603 --> 00:00:24,149
♪ I'm so scared
In case I fall off my chair ♪
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♪ And I'm wondering
How I'll get down the stairs ♪
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00:00:28,319 --> 00:00:32,032
♪ And there's clowns to the left of me
Jokers to the right ♪
7
00:00:32,115 --> 00:00:35,285
♪ Here I am
Stuck in the middle with you ♪
8
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♪ Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you ♪
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♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
10
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[door opens]
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Oh! [slight chuckle]
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It smells like a truck stop diner in here.
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There's a spot at the counter, ma'am.
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Ah! Sorry, that seat's taken.
15
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By whom? [slight chuckle]
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Morning.
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Oh, Jack. I didn't know you were here.
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Oh, good.
Well, that explains Frankie's spread.
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Does it? I am only one man.
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[laughs]
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Oh, you are a hoot.
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Here. Now eat up.
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Oh, Jack. I'm sorry
that Hawaii fell apart.
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But when Nick gets back from the Caymans,
we should make a new plan.
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Sounds great. I'm just sorry Nick
couldn't join us for Frankie's birthday.
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Yeah, he's all torn up
that he missed laser tag and pizza.
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Uh-oh! All right, big guy, out you go.
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- [Jack] Shouldn't I leave the plate?
- [Frankie] No, it's recyclable.
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Oh. [chuckles]
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Have a good day at the office.
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- I'm still retired.
- [chuckles]
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[sighs] Jeez, some people just never know
when to say goodbye.
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So, I'm-I'm glad you and Jack
are doing so well,
34
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but you won't be
if you keep shoving him out the door.
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I mean, you should be
a little more considerate.
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I am considerate.
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I let him be Sulu last night
while I was Spock.
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I beg you not to tell me what that means.
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- We boldly go where no man has gone be...
- I begged you.
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- [door closes]
- Good morning.
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- Oh, there's my big guy.
- [slight chuckle]
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- Hey, big guy.
- [Frankie chuckles]
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Yeah, it didn't feel good for me, either.
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- Ready to roll?
- I am.
45
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Um... [clears throat]
As you know, Grace,
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I was sick with the 24-hour bird flu
on my birthday.
47
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So Jacob and I are celebrating today
by playing laser tag.
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You would not believe
how good this lady is at laser tag.
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Yeah, and at getting over bird flu.
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I'm sorry, could you give us a moment?
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Sure, I'll just take this outside.
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Maybe I can find a football team
on the beach to share it with.
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[laughs] You are a hoot!
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Out you go.
55
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What the hell is going on here?
I thought you picked Jack.
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Oh, Grace, I love that big, beautiful,
simple mind of yours.
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- [scoffs]
- But we are having the time of our lives,
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and so, I have decided not to choose.
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And it's working out perfectly.
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Do they know that?
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Well, I told them both in a dream,
so I'm sure on some level they know.
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So you're two-timing them.
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No, I am one-at-a-timing them,
simultaneously.
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This is not gonna end well.
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Who says it has to end?
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Why can't I just keep dating my J-Rock
and my, um...
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I want to say J-Bird.
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Yeah, that's why.
You could never keep anything straight.
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You've seen Dog Day Afternoon 500 times
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and you still think the cop
is Jack Warden.
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- Oh, he is so terrifying in that film.
- It's Charles Durning.
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No, no, no, no.
Charles Durning is Brian Dennehy.
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- What?
- See, I have it all figured out.
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And frankly, who eats my bacon
is none of your business.
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[laughs]
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00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:04,410
[Bud] These are from my drone race.
Came in third.
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00:04:04,494 --> 00:04:07,372
They're kind of blurry
'cause I was going pretty fast. [chuckles]
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00:04:07,455 --> 00:04:08,498
Incredible.
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00:04:08,581 --> 00:04:09,791
Thanks, Dad.
80
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It's like she knew where it was supposed
to go and she put it almost exactly there.
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00:04:14,629 --> 00:04:17,966
The doctor said her visuospatial skills
are off the charts.
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And this morning, I'm pretty sure
I heard her say "pomegranate."
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00:04:22,178 --> 00:04:25,348
And I'm pretty sure she just took
a poo-poo in her pants.
84
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Because she's smart enough
not to hold it in.
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Who's our little genius?
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00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:33,540
Last week our little genius
was trying to eat that puzzle,
87
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so let's not go crazy here.
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Mmm... Maybe she is a genius,
maybe she isn't.
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But until she's old enough to tell us,
we'll never know.
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Oh, God, are you starting this again?
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00:04:44,158 --> 00:04:46,744
I'm not sending my saliva
to some DNA website.
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But what if her grandmother
was a great pianist,
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and we're wasting her talent
taking her to archery?
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[Bud] Who's taking her to archery?
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She can't even handle a fork.
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What about your side of the family, huh?
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Maybe all the geniuses come from there.
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00:05:01,009 --> 00:05:04,178
Doubt it. All the smart ones
died in the Dust Bowl.
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00:05:04,262 --> 00:05:06,639
I do understand
where Allison's coming from.
100
00:05:06,723 --> 00:05:07,557
[Allison] Hmm.
101
00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:10,643
When you were a kid, we were
constantly having to tell doctors,
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"We don't know, we don't know."
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And I turned out just fine.
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We don't know, we don't know.
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I know you don't want to know
about your biological family.
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But for Faith's sake?
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Yeah, maybe she was descended from Mozart.
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It doesn't matter
who you're descended from.
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Mozart wasn't descended from Mozart,
and he did pretty well.
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Here's a novel idea: how about
we just let the baby be a baby,
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and let the parents be parents,
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and somebody please change that diaper.
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- Your turn.
- Fine.
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I'm just gonna leave my drone video up,
if anyone wants to check it out.
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[Faith babbles]
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Quit talking over Faith!
I think she just said something.
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Yeah, she did. She said,
"You can't choose your family."
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Ignore him.
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Maybe in time, Bud will come around.
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Or maybe we'll have to go behind his back,
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swab some saliva from his mouth guard,
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and send it off to YourGeneMap-dot-com.
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You didn't.
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Six weeks ago.
The results should arrive any day now.
125
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Oh, you're good.
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I know.
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Bud still thinks we met "by chance."
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- [laughs]
- What?
129
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[Allison laughs]
130
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No, no, no, see, it's a toilet
that rises up automatically.
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Okay.
132
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You too.
133
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Let me guess, they said no.
134
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No. They said, "No, thank you."
135
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Which is progress.
136
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At this rate of progress, we'll hit
60 rejections by the end of today.
137
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Well, we could hit more
if you also made calls.
138
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I am too busy solving our problems
with two words:
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Desert Topaz.
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Casino.
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Desert Topaz Casino Resort and Spa.
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Two words: no.
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I am not getting lost on the way
to see Carrot Top with you again.
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If we hadn't gotten lost,
145
00:07:01,462 --> 00:07:04,924
we never would have run into Carrot Top
at that Ruby Tuesday.
146
00:07:05,007 --> 00:07:06,634
Oh, that wasn't Carrot Top!
147
00:07:06,717 --> 00:07:09,512
He had red hair and a trunk, who cares?
148
00:07:09,595 --> 00:07:13,891
I'm trying to tell you they're having
open auditions for Shark Tank
149
00:07:13,975 --> 00:07:17,019
at Desert Topaz this weekend.
150
00:07:17,311 --> 00:07:21,983
You want me to go to a cattle call
for a reality show? [chuckles] Pass!
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- We would kill on that show!
- [sighs]
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I'm very telegenic.
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- And you'd be there, too.
- [knocking]
154
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Sorry. Sorry, I know you're working.
155
00:07:33,035 --> 00:07:36,456
I've just got to get some info on that
artwork Nick wants to sell at Christie's.
156
00:07:36,539 --> 00:07:38,332
I am actually really happy you're here.
157
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Would you please explain to Frankie
why we shouldn't go on a reality show?
158
00:07:42,211 --> 00:07:45,339
Uh, because Nick's wife number three
was on Real Housewives?
159
00:07:45,715 --> 00:07:48,259
- She was?
- Only for two episodes.
160
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She got a DUI, which got her a spin-off.
161
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Oh, Danielle.
162
00:07:53,181 --> 00:07:55,349
She tried to cut off her ankle monitor.
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00:07:55,725 --> 00:07:58,478
And that's the kind of person
who goes on reality television.
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00:07:58,561 --> 00:08:01,481
But not the kind of person
who goes on Shark Tank.
165
00:08:01,564 --> 00:08:02,815
[Miriam] Shark Tank?
166
00:08:03,441 --> 00:08:04,650
Ooh.
167
00:08:04,775 --> 00:08:07,111
That's not a bad idea, actually.
168
00:08:07,195 --> 00:08:08,654
You're not serious.
169
00:08:08,738 --> 00:08:11,699
Well, even if you don't get funding,
you get great exposure.
170
00:08:11,782 --> 00:08:12,867
Exactly.
171
00:08:12,950 --> 00:08:14,994
I started two businesses, okay?
172
00:08:15,077 --> 00:08:17,872
I shouldn't have to audition
with a bunch of amateurs.
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00:08:17,955 --> 00:08:21,209
They have entrepreneurs of all levels
with some great products.
174
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That's how we snagged the Mop-A-Doodle.
175
00:08:23,252 --> 00:08:24,921
What does the Mop-A-Doodle do?
176
00:08:25,004 --> 00:08:27,089
[laughs] I sound like a rooster.
177
00:08:27,173 --> 00:08:31,010
It takes the dirt on your floor
and it makes it into floor art.
178
00:08:31,093 --> 00:08:33,429
Why would anyone buy one of those?
179
00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:34,680
Beats me.
180
00:08:37,058 --> 00:08:39,060
- How many do you have?
- Three.
181
00:08:39,143 --> 00:08:42,897
I've got Mop-A-Doodle Lite,
Mop-A-Doodle Pro, and Mop-A-Doodle Don't.
182
00:08:42,980 --> 00:08:44,857
[cell phone rings]
183
00:08:46,067 --> 00:08:48,295
- [continues ringing]
- Oh, my God. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
184
00:08:48,319 --> 00:08:50,530
It's an investor,
and he's calling us back.
185
00:08:50,905 --> 00:08:53,407
Okay, Grace, it's do-or-die.
186
00:08:53,491 --> 00:08:55,618
It's this guy or Shark Tank.
187
00:08:55,993 --> 00:08:57,703
I did not agree to that.
188
00:08:59,330 --> 00:09:02,875
Hello, Mr. Swanson,
I'm so glad to hear from you.
189
00:09:03,292 --> 00:09:04,710
Yeah, uh, it's...
190
00:09:04,794 --> 00:09:05,794
Oh.
191
00:09:06,295 --> 00:09:07,295
Okay.
192
00:09:07,922 --> 00:09:10,466
Well, toilets are about to have
a big moment,
193
00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:13,219
and I'm so sorry you won't be part of it.
194
00:09:14,720 --> 00:09:17,181
- [exhales]
- Okay, Grace, you win.
195
00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:19,267
Shark Tank it is.
196
00:09:23,854 --> 00:09:28,776
"To go wrong in one's own way is better
than to go right in someone else's."
197
00:09:29,485 --> 00:09:31,862
[Faith coos]
198
00:09:31,946 --> 00:09:33,698
I think she's getting it.
199
00:09:33,781 --> 00:09:35,032
Well, if she is getting it,
200
00:09:35,116 --> 00:09:38,494
then maybe you shouldn't be reading
her a book about murder.
201
00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:41,247
I was halfway to my dermatologist's
when Bud's DNA results came in,
202
00:09:41,330 --> 00:09:44,500
and I thought, "This carbuncle can wait.
I got to get to Sol."
203
00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:46,294
- [all chuckle]
- Hi, my baby.
204
00:09:46,377 --> 00:09:49,380
- Aww.
- Well, let's see what it says.
205
00:09:49,797 --> 00:09:51,757
Oh, yeah. [chuckles]
206
00:09:51,841 --> 00:09:53,843
You realize, if you both look together,
207
00:09:53,926 --> 00:09:56,345
it doesn't make either of you
any less guilty.
208
00:09:56,429 --> 00:10:00,891
If we're guilty of anything,
it is of caring about Faith's future.
209
00:10:01,767 --> 00:10:04,478
And I think it does make us
a little less guilty.
210
00:10:05,021 --> 00:10:08,399
Okay, under genetic traits,
it says that Bud
211
00:10:08,482 --> 00:10:11,777
may be prone to lactose intolerance
and heavy earwax.
212
00:10:11,861 --> 00:10:13,529
How much did that test cost?
213
00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:18,034
Oh, my God! He may also have
Olympic-level athletic ability?
214
00:10:18,326 --> 00:10:21,454
Frankie always wanted to put him
on a curling team,
215
00:10:21,537 --> 00:10:23,164
but I said no.
216
00:10:23,247 --> 00:10:24,790
If I'd only known.
217
00:10:24,874 --> 00:10:28,294
We could be sitting pretty now,
living off his curling endorsements.
218
00:10:28,377 --> 00:10:30,755
Where does it say
if Bud's related to a genius
219
00:10:30,838 --> 00:10:32,923
or descended from anyone famous?
220
00:10:33,007 --> 00:10:37,595
Oh, I think you have to click
"Share and Find Out More" to see.
221
00:10:38,220 --> 00:10:39,930
Should we "Share and Find Out More"?
222
00:10:40,014 --> 00:10:42,016
- I don't see why not.
- [Robert] Really?
223
00:10:42,850 --> 00:10:44,268
You don't see why not?
224
00:10:44,810 --> 00:10:47,021
You share Bud's info and then what?
225
00:10:47,104 --> 00:10:49,565
You reach out to a family member
behind his back?
226
00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:53,986
What? Don't be crazy.
We're not contacting anyone.
227
00:10:54,070 --> 00:10:57,740
What we're doing is totally innocent.
It's called cyber-stalking.
228
00:10:59,075 --> 00:11:00,242
You shut me up.
229
00:11:00,743 --> 00:11:02,662
So? Should we do it?
230
00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:04,538
Let's do it.
231
00:11:07,083 --> 00:11:08,709
[exhales]
232
00:11:09,627 --> 00:11:12,380
- [computer dings]
- Oh, my God. There's a match!
233
00:11:12,463 --> 00:11:13,756
Of course there is.
234
00:11:13,839 --> 00:11:15,800
- [Faith babbles]
- [Allison exhales]
235
00:11:15,883 --> 00:11:18,302
Hello, Sharks, I'm Frankie Bergstein.
236
00:11:18,386 --> 00:11:20,680
Hello, no one, I'm Grace Hanson.
237
00:11:20,763 --> 00:11:23,307
- And this is a...
- Waste of time.
238
00:11:24,350 --> 00:11:29,271
Hey, your way has not worked.
Now cut the sass, toots, and get to it.
239
00:11:29,355 --> 00:11:30,355
Fine.
240
00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:34,193
Did you know that there are
40,000 toilet injuries
241
00:11:34,276 --> 00:11:37,154
each year
across the contiguous United States?
242
00:11:37,238 --> 00:11:39,699
Imagine what that count would be
243
00:11:39,782 --> 00:11:43,160
if we included Hawaii, Alaska, and Guam.
244
00:11:43,244 --> 00:11:44,370
[Miriam] I'm out.
245
00:11:44,995 --> 00:11:46,038
Excuse me?
246
00:11:46,122 --> 00:11:48,749
I'm sorry.
That's just what the Sharks say.
247
00:11:49,333 --> 00:11:50,543
Look, business lady,
248
00:11:50,626 --> 00:11:53,879
if you have suggestions for our pitch,
speak up.
249
00:11:53,963 --> 00:11:56,507
Yeah. Or if... if you don't think
we should do it at all,
250
00:11:56,590 --> 00:11:57,925
feel free to say that, too.
251
00:11:58,008 --> 00:12:01,595
Okay. It was god-awful
and bored me to tears.
252
00:12:02,138 --> 00:12:05,599
She's playing hardball, Grace.
This is great.
253
00:12:05,683 --> 00:12:07,017
How is this great?
254
00:12:07,101 --> 00:12:09,270
We have our very own Shark.
255
00:12:11,313 --> 00:12:16,026
With our aging population, more seniors
are at risk of injury in the bathroom.
256
00:12:16,110 --> 00:12:18,487
Or worse, death by toilet.
257
00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:19,697
I'm out.
258
00:12:19,780 --> 00:12:21,323
♪ Bah diddily dee dop ♪
259
00:12:21,407 --> 00:12:24,410
♪ The toilet rising may be surprising ♪
260
00:12:24,493 --> 00:12:28,205
♪ But if you've got no core
You won't be on the floor ♪
261
00:12:28,289 --> 00:12:30,583
♪ Skiddily pah ♪
262
00:12:31,876 --> 00:12:33,127
I'm way out.
263
00:12:33,210 --> 00:12:34,920
[exhales] She's tough.
264
00:12:35,004 --> 00:12:38,299
Well, you know, we gave it
our best skiddily-bee-bop try.
265
00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:42,386
Maybe we're just not cut out
for Shark Tank.
266
00:12:42,470 --> 00:12:44,430
Why won't you make us an offer, damn it?
267
00:12:45,014 --> 00:12:47,933
Because you're not giving me
a compelling reason to.
268
00:12:48,017 --> 00:12:49,977
The Sharks aren't just investing
in a product.
269
00:12:50,060 --> 00:12:52,271
They're investing in a story.
270
00:12:52,354 --> 00:12:55,858
What is your story? How'd you
come up with the idea for this?
271
00:12:56,358 --> 00:12:58,194
Well, we have a great story.
272
00:12:58,277 --> 00:13:00,738
Uh, it's a great private story.
273
00:13:00,821 --> 00:13:03,324
Yes, Grace got stuck on the can big-time.
274
00:13:03,407 --> 00:13:05,034
Well, there goes the private part.
275
00:13:05,117 --> 00:13:08,037
Wait, hold it.
You got stuck on the toilet?
276
00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:10,080
Please keep that between us.
277
00:13:10,164 --> 00:13:12,541
She was all alone. It was pretty dire.
278
00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:14,710
And then we realized,
if it happened to me,
279
00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:16,714
it's probably happening
to a lot of other people.
280
00:13:16,754 --> 00:13:19,632
So we created this thing
to help all those people.
281
00:13:20,382 --> 00:13:24,220
That's fantastic. All you have to do
is tell that story on Shark Tank.
282
00:13:24,595 --> 00:13:26,263
- Ah.
- I'm out.
283
00:13:29,350 --> 00:13:31,435
There are hundreds of Jordan Scotts
on Facebook.
284
00:13:31,519 --> 00:13:33,687
How are we supposed to know
which one is his cousin?
285
00:13:33,771 --> 00:13:37,358
[sighs] We go through each one
till we find whoever is most Bud-like.
286
00:13:37,441 --> 00:13:39,527
Just look for the guy
who irons his T-shirts.
287
00:13:39,902 --> 00:13:44,281
What about this guy?
He likes food porn and... porn-porn.
288
00:13:44,365 --> 00:13:46,575
No, porn-porn makes Bud cry.
289
00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:50,913
Oh, this Jordan Scott hurt himself
pretty bad on a Razor scooter.
290
00:13:50,996 --> 00:13:52,540
Doesn't mean he isn't a genius.
291
00:13:52,623 --> 00:13:56,460
You don't feel bad
about stealing your son's bodily fluids
292
00:13:56,544 --> 00:13:58,337
and then stalking his cousin?
293
00:13:58,420 --> 00:14:00,965
- I would feel guilty if I didn't do it.
- [computer dings]
294
00:14:01,048 --> 00:14:02,466
- [Allison] Oh, no.
- What?
295
00:14:02,550 --> 00:14:05,302
It's Jordan Scott.
Oh, God. He sent us a message.
296
00:14:05,386 --> 00:14:08,138
- How can he do that?
- Well, if we can see him, he can see us!
297
00:14:08,222 --> 00:14:09,557
That doesn't seem right.
298
00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:11,642
Oh, God. He wants to meet us.
299
00:14:11,725 --> 00:14:14,603
He doesn't want to meet you.
He wants to meet Bud.
300
00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:17,487
- I told you this would happen.
- You didn't tell me this would happen!
301
00:14:17,565 --> 00:14:20,359
If you had told me this would happen,
I wouldn't have done it!
302
00:14:20,442 --> 00:14:22,653
Well, I don't know how the Internet works.
303
00:14:22,736 --> 00:14:23,821
Neither do I.
304
00:14:24,947 --> 00:14:26,991
We were very wrong to do this.
305
00:14:27,992 --> 00:14:29,869
[seagulls squawking]
306
00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:42,172
- [exhales]
- Wow, my apple just looks like an apple.
307
00:14:42,548 --> 00:14:44,842
I'm not angry with Grace!
308
00:14:44,925 --> 00:14:46,218
Huh?
309
00:14:46,302 --> 00:14:49,972
All right, you've pulled it out of me.
I'm very angry with Grace.
310
00:14:50,055 --> 00:14:51,449
Should I pull some more out of you?
311
00:14:51,473 --> 00:14:52,641
[exhales]
312
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:54,143
All right, I'll bite.
313
00:14:54,226 --> 00:14:56,395
Grace is bailing on me.
314
00:14:56,478 --> 00:14:59,481
She's closing the lid on Shark Tank.
315
00:14:59,773 --> 00:15:04,028
Well, when God closes one lid,
she opens another one.
316
00:15:05,613 --> 00:15:06,947
Thank you, Jack.
317
00:15:08,073 --> 00:15:10,034
That was very insightful.
318
00:15:10,117 --> 00:15:11,911
I learned a lot in the bin.
319
00:15:12,786 --> 00:15:16,206
- Oh, I-I was still painting that.
- [cell phone rings]
320
00:15:17,458 --> 00:15:19,919
- [continues ringing]
- Want to check your phone?
321
00:15:20,294 --> 00:15:23,505
- Maybe I do, maybe I don't.
- [continues ringing]
322
00:15:24,506 --> 00:15:25,799
Perhaps I do.
323
00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:29,178
Hmm.
324
00:15:29,261 --> 00:15:30,763
[exhales] I'll be right back.
325
00:15:30,846 --> 00:15:33,307
I just remembered I got to go,
be back in a second.
326
00:15:35,392 --> 00:15:37,144
- Okay.
- [door closes]
327
00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:47,112
- There she is.
- And she is confused that here he is.
328
00:15:47,863 --> 00:15:50,574
- What are you doing here?
- I was at the farmer's market,
329
00:15:50,658 --> 00:15:52,785
and I saw these beautiful cheeses.
330
00:15:53,285 --> 00:15:55,454
Cheese picnic. Great idea.
331
00:15:55,913 --> 00:15:58,040
You go set up on the patio.
332
00:15:58,123 --> 00:16:01,460
And I'll come out with the candy corn
as soon as I finish my painting.
333
00:16:01,543 --> 00:16:03,963
- I'd love to see what you're working on.
- No!
334
00:16:04,046 --> 00:16:08,926
Uh, I mean, it's kind of a surprise.
For-For me.
335
00:16:09,385 --> 00:16:11,762
And I'd hate for you
to tell me what it is.
336
00:16:12,221 --> 00:16:14,098
I almost understand that.
337
00:16:14,390 --> 00:16:16,225
Okay, I'll meet you outside.
338
00:16:16,308 --> 00:16:17,685
Ah, great.
339
00:16:18,310 --> 00:16:22,064
[exhales] And I'll go change
into my cheese-eating pants.
340
00:16:22,523 --> 00:16:23,565
[exhales]
341
00:16:30,364 --> 00:16:33,117
- Oh, my.
- I thought we deserved a little relaxation
342
00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:35,035
after all that painting.
343
00:16:35,119 --> 00:16:36,120
Um...
344
00:16:36,578 --> 00:16:37,788
Chugging contest?
345
00:16:37,871 --> 00:16:39,707
Oh, no, no. This is a really nice bottle.
346
00:16:40,332 --> 00:16:44,003
You know, a famous
yet controversial sommelier once told me
347
00:16:44,086 --> 00:16:47,923
the best way to enjoy a red
is to speed-drink it.
348
00:16:48,340 --> 00:16:49,340
Really?
349
00:17:01,145 --> 00:17:02,145
[exhales]
350
00:17:03,355 --> 00:17:05,441
What are you, a narc? Drink it.
351
00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:08,027
[Frankie] Mm.
352
00:17:08,736 --> 00:17:10,070
- [exhales]
- [grunts]
353
00:17:10,154 --> 00:17:12,072
I can't say I agree with that sommelier.
354
00:17:12,156 --> 00:17:15,325
[groans] Well, I'm beat.
355
00:17:15,409 --> 00:17:16,493
[grunts]
356
00:17:17,411 --> 00:17:19,788
I think it's time for me to take a nap.
357
00:17:19,872 --> 00:17:22,708
Oh, a nap for two sounds perfect.
[chuckles]
358
00:17:22,791 --> 00:17:26,045
Um, all right.
Well, why don't you get started,
359
00:17:26,378 --> 00:17:29,840
and I will go change
into my napping pants.
360
00:17:33,010 --> 00:17:34,053
[grunts]
361
00:17:38,724 --> 00:17:39,767
[exhales]
362
00:17:41,351 --> 00:17:42,436
[exhales]
363
00:17:42,519 --> 00:17:43,645
[grunts]
364
00:17:43,729 --> 00:17:44,938
Hey.
365
00:17:45,022 --> 00:17:48,150
Oh, no, thanks, I've got
a pretty good buzz going already.
366
00:17:48,233 --> 00:17:49,234
But I just opened it.
367
00:17:49,318 --> 00:17:52,696
Oh, well, you've got
some catching up to do, fella.
368
00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:56,026
You know, I've really missed
little moments like this.
369
00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:57,701
- Mm-hmm.
- Just you and me,
370
00:17:57,785 --> 00:17:59,787
good food, gorgeous view.
371
00:17:59,870 --> 00:18:03,415
[exhales] I have, too.
I could sit here all day.
372
00:18:03,957 --> 00:18:07,127
Or for the length
of one adult male's REM cycle.
373
00:18:08,212 --> 00:18:10,422
- I love the way your mind works.
- [chuckles]
374
00:18:10,506 --> 00:18:12,549
[Jack] Is there enough Brie for three?
375
00:18:17,721 --> 00:18:19,932
Crazy dream we're all having, huh?
376
00:18:20,390 --> 00:18:22,226
[inhales sharply, exhales]
377
00:18:22,309 --> 00:18:24,937
What are we gonna do?
What are we gonna do?
378
00:18:25,521 --> 00:18:27,815
What are we gonna do?
What are we gonna do?
379
00:18:27,898 --> 00:18:30,984
What you're going to do is tell Bud. Now.
380
00:18:31,068 --> 00:18:32,611
- [exhales]
- But he's not here.
381
00:18:33,112 --> 00:18:36,365
So I guess we just take this
to our graves?
382
00:18:36,448 --> 00:18:38,033
He's going to find out anyway.
383
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:40,702
Don't you think Jordan Scott's
gonna track Bud down?
384
00:18:40,786 --> 00:18:44,164
Maybe not. He's still dealing
with that terrible scooter accident.
385
00:18:44,248 --> 00:18:46,583
But he already has
all of Bud's information.
386
00:18:46,667 --> 00:18:48,001
All he has is a name.
387
00:18:48,085 --> 00:18:50,379
And that name is Nwabudike Bergstein.
388
00:18:50,462 --> 00:18:54,508
How many of them do you think
live here in San Diego? Or anywhere?
389
00:18:54,591 --> 00:18:57,136
Well, if there were even two,
it could buy us some time.
390
00:18:57,219 --> 00:19:00,514
You have to tell Bud
before Jordan Scott does.
391
00:19:01,515 --> 00:19:02,515
[exhales]
392
00:19:03,684 --> 00:19:06,728
You both know what to do.
I wash my hands of this.
393
00:19:06,812 --> 00:19:10,065
Now that I've washed my hands,
I'm going to make a sandwich.
394
00:19:11,608 --> 00:19:12,609
He's right.
395
00:19:12,901 --> 00:19:16,029
But we should lead
with that Olympic athlete thing.
396
00:19:17,823 --> 00:19:20,033
- What the hell is going on here?
- Um...
397
00:19:20,367 --> 00:19:21,827
Jack, hey.
398
00:19:21,910 --> 00:19:24,621
Look who showed up for a surprise picnic.
399
00:19:24,705 --> 00:19:26,707
And no one knew he was coming.
400
00:19:26,790 --> 00:19:28,184
Why are you wearing Frankie's robe?
401
00:19:28,208 --> 00:19:31,211
- Why are you feeding her cheese?
- I don't know. She likes cheese?
402
00:19:31,295 --> 00:19:34,756
Okay, guys, the good news is
it's all out in the open now,
403
00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:36,967
and I know I feel relieved.
404
00:19:37,050 --> 00:19:39,636
- Frankie, how could you do this to me?
- And me.
405
00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:44,725
Are you two really upset, or is this
just society telling you to be upset?
406
00:19:45,058 --> 00:19:46,310
No. I'm really upset.
407
00:19:46,393 --> 00:19:48,562
And I'm wearing a ladies' rainbow robe.
408
00:19:48,645 --> 00:19:50,856
That robe is gender neutral.
409
00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:54,067
Frankie, what did you think
was going to happen here?
410
00:19:55,319 --> 00:19:58,780
I don't know, but we were
all having so much fun.
411
00:19:59,031 --> 00:20:01,617
But we didn't know
that "we" were having fun.
412
00:20:01,700 --> 00:20:04,703
W-We thought "we" were having fun.
413
00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:09,750
And I can't do "we."
414
00:20:10,125 --> 00:20:11,418
Wait, J-Rock...
415
00:20:11,501 --> 00:20:15,047
I'm J-Rock! Because I worked
in the music biz, remember?
416
00:20:15,130 --> 00:20:18,175
No, I'm J-Rock.
'Cause I'm solid as a rock.
417
00:20:18,258 --> 00:20:19,760
Well, who is J-Bird?
418
00:20:19,843 --> 00:20:22,512
I can only assume
it's another guy you're stringing along.
419
00:20:23,597 --> 00:20:27,226
Oh, I'm sorry. I should have been honest
with both of you.
420
00:20:27,684 --> 00:20:31,521
But Jack, I didn't expect
to fall for you so fast.
421
00:20:32,397 --> 00:20:36,276
And Jacob, I didn't know I was gonna feel
so much when you showed up.
422
00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:38,070
[groans] Oh, the hives are back.
423
00:20:38,403 --> 00:20:40,155
This goddamn patio!
424
00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:43,116
You know, I probably should have left
when I knew you weren't dying,
425
00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:45,035
but I definitely should leave now.
426
00:20:45,118 --> 00:20:46,745
- No! Don't go!
- Well, then I'll go.
427
00:20:46,828 --> 00:20:49,039
No! Nobody move.
428
00:20:49,706 --> 00:20:51,959
I have feelings for both of you.
429
00:20:52,042 --> 00:20:55,921
But you don't feel enough for either of us
to want to give up the other,
430
00:20:56,004 --> 00:20:57,756
and that's not going to work for me.
431
00:20:57,839 --> 00:20:59,716
Yes, but aren't you both flattered
432
00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:03,512
that I'm messing up my relationship
with one of you for the other?
433
00:21:03,595 --> 00:21:04,972
Well, which one's which?
434
00:21:09,393 --> 00:21:11,645
- [exhales]
- I guess that's our answer.
435
00:21:14,648 --> 00:21:15,983
Wanna go grab a drink?
436
00:21:16,066 --> 00:21:17,109
No.
437
00:21:23,448 --> 00:21:25,742
Hi, I'm Grace Hanson.
438
00:21:27,202 --> 00:21:30,580
[scoffs] Well, you don't even know
what I'm going to say. I...
439
00:21:32,124 --> 00:21:33,750
Yes, it is about a toilet.
440
00:21:35,544 --> 00:21:37,921
- Okay, goodbye.
- [clattering]
441
00:21:40,465 --> 00:21:43,343
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
What's happening? Where is that going?
442
00:21:43,427 --> 00:21:45,178
Uruguay. This one's already sold.
443
00:21:45,262 --> 00:21:47,306
No, but that-that one has to stay here.
444
00:21:47,389 --> 00:21:49,599
I'm sorry, Nick thought
you didn't like it
445
00:21:49,683 --> 00:21:51,727
since you had it moved into the bathroom.
446
00:21:52,311 --> 00:21:56,481
Because the bathroom is the perfect place
to appreciate a statue.
447
00:21:56,565 --> 00:21:58,775
I mean, you're just sitting there.
448
00:21:58,859 --> 00:22:01,987
Right. It's a shame all those dummies
who made sculpture gardens
449
00:22:02,070 --> 00:22:03,280
didn't think of that.
450
00:22:05,365 --> 00:22:07,617
It helps me get off the toilet, okay?
451
00:22:08,660 --> 00:22:13,373
I throw a towel over her neck
and hoist myself up with it.
452
00:22:13,915 --> 00:22:19,338
Oh, gee, if only there were a product
to help someone with that.
453
00:22:20,297 --> 00:22:21,673
Sarcasm noted.
454
00:22:21,757 --> 00:22:24,885
So I take it Nick doesn't know
why you invented this toilet?
455
00:22:24,968 --> 00:22:26,970
No, no, he thinks Frankie
came up with this
456
00:22:27,054 --> 00:22:29,556
so she could reach
her bathroom Fig Newmans.
457
00:22:29,639 --> 00:22:30,682
I'm not gonna ask.
458
00:22:30,766 --> 00:22:33,352
Well, see, that's the beauty
of that story.
459
00:22:33,435 --> 00:22:35,729
Well, now I get why you don't want
to go on Shark Tank.
460
00:22:35,812 --> 00:22:37,939
Yeah. Hey, listen,
you were married to the guy.
461
00:22:38,023 --> 00:22:42,402
How do you think Nick would react to me
telling him why we really started this?
462
00:22:42,819 --> 00:22:43,653
[exhales]
463
00:22:43,737 --> 00:22:47,366
I get it. It's not something anybody
wants to tell a new husband.
464
00:22:47,449 --> 00:22:49,701
And if this were the Nick
that I was married to,
465
00:22:49,785 --> 00:22:53,038
I would say 100 percent do not tell him.
466
00:22:53,830 --> 00:22:56,416
But he's a different guy now,
467
00:22:56,500 --> 00:22:59,211
and he really loves you.
468
00:22:59,294 --> 00:23:03,799
Yeah, I know he does.
But once that image is in his head...
469
00:23:03,882 --> 00:23:06,301
Well, I think we can both agree
intimacy is gross.
470
00:23:06,385 --> 00:23:08,637
But if that's what
you really want with Nick...
471
00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:11,139
No, what I want is to keep that statue.
472
00:23:11,223 --> 00:23:14,893
Yeah. Unfortunately, so does
the president of Uruguay.
473
00:23:14,976 --> 00:23:16,019
Sorry.
474
00:23:16,103 --> 00:23:17,479
- [exhales]
- [Miriam] Oh.
475
00:23:18,397 --> 00:23:21,691
Just out of curiosity,
how did you manage
476
00:23:21,775 --> 00:23:24,194
before you moved the statue
into the bathroom?
477
00:23:24,486 --> 00:23:25,654
I had Frankie.
478
00:23:26,488 --> 00:23:29,991
She busted in like one
of those Kool-Aid men and rescued me.
479
00:23:30,325 --> 00:23:32,702
I'd probably still be there
if it wasn't for her.
480
00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:34,663
You would if you called me.
481
00:23:35,664 --> 00:23:38,083
You're lucky. Frankie's a good one.
482
00:23:39,418 --> 00:23:40,877
Yes, she is.
483
00:23:46,049 --> 00:23:47,676
So let me get this straight.
484
00:23:48,260 --> 00:23:50,470
You went behind my back and stole my DNA?
485
00:23:50,554 --> 00:23:52,347
Our curiosity got the better of us.
486
00:23:52,431 --> 00:23:54,808
We just wanted to help Faith cure cancer.
487
00:23:54,891 --> 00:23:56,935
Do you hear how insane that sounds?
488
00:23:57,018 --> 00:24:00,605
- I'm so sorry.
- On the upside, you do have Olympic genes.
489
00:24:00,689 --> 00:24:03,900
Damn it. I knew
I would've been good at curling.
490
00:24:03,984 --> 00:24:05,610
You see how dangerous this is?
491
00:24:05,694 --> 00:24:08,339
Now I'm going to be thinking
about my dashed curling dreams all night.
492
00:24:08,363 --> 00:24:11,241
[groans] We've done a terrible thing.
What can we do to fix this?
493
00:24:11,324 --> 00:24:13,952
Just shut down the account.
I don't want to know anything else,
494
00:24:14,035 --> 00:24:15,871
and I don't want
to talk about this anymore.
495
00:24:15,954 --> 00:24:17,747
We totally respect that, but...
496
00:24:17,831 --> 00:24:20,667
No. I don't want to hear it.
497
00:24:20,750 --> 00:24:22,502
I'm sorry, but you have to.
498
00:24:22,586 --> 00:24:25,672
No, I don't have to.
You're not my real dad.
499
00:24:25,964 --> 00:24:28,467
Bud, you have a real cousin,
and he wants to meet you.
500
00:24:37,726 --> 00:24:38,726
[door opens]
501
00:24:39,603 --> 00:24:40,603
[door closes]
502
00:24:41,563 --> 00:24:42,898
Frankie, are you all right?
503
00:24:43,690 --> 00:24:47,694
Oh, God, another China Bucket coma.
504
00:24:47,777 --> 00:24:51,865
I told you last time not to eat
the whole Great Wall of Wontons.
505
00:24:51,948 --> 00:24:54,201
You were right. It did not end well.
506
00:24:54,659 --> 00:24:58,455
Not the wontons, not dating both guys.
The whole thing just blew up.
507
00:24:58,788 --> 00:25:01,291
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- [groans]
508
00:25:01,625 --> 00:25:04,753
I was double-timing,
and I was double-dumped.
509
00:25:05,337 --> 00:25:07,506
So now I'm eating double dumplings.
510
00:25:07,589 --> 00:25:10,425
Yeah, well, that's the trajectory.
511
00:25:11,510 --> 00:25:13,178
- I guess.
- Yeah.
512
00:25:15,180 --> 00:25:19,351
I wanted everything to be light and fun.
I didn't want anyone to get hurt.
513
00:25:19,809 --> 00:25:22,062
Eventually, somebody always wants more.
514
00:25:22,771 --> 00:25:24,856
Surprisingly, it wasn't me.
515
00:25:27,651 --> 00:25:29,361
Why are you eating your feelings?
516
00:25:32,239 --> 00:25:34,616
Nick sold my bathroom statue.
517
00:25:35,033 --> 00:25:37,160
Okay, we can deal with that.
518
00:25:37,244 --> 00:25:39,371
Every time you need to go, just call me.
519
00:25:39,454 --> 00:25:42,958
I can be there in ten minutes,
give or take a few traffic laws.
520
00:25:43,041 --> 00:25:44,376
That's not gonna work.
521
00:25:44,459 --> 00:25:47,754
Right. So we'll live-stream
your bathroom to my phone.
522
00:25:48,046 --> 00:25:50,423
- So as soon as you walk in...
- Frankie.
523
00:25:50,507 --> 00:25:54,219
Okay, let's go over there right now
and rig up something else.
524
00:25:54,302 --> 00:25:56,179
I can figure it out, don't you worry.
525
00:25:57,097 --> 00:25:58,557
You would do that, wouldn't you?
526
00:25:58,932 --> 00:26:02,143
- Do what?
- Just drop everything for me.
527
00:26:02,435 --> 00:26:03,728
[laughs]
528
00:26:03,812 --> 00:26:05,272
What other solution is there?
529
00:26:07,691 --> 00:26:08,984
There's only one.
530
00:26:10,110 --> 00:26:12,112
- We gotta go.
- Where?
531
00:26:12,195 --> 00:26:14,197
To Desert Topaz.
532
00:26:14,739 --> 00:26:16,324
We're gonna tell our story.
533
00:26:16,741 --> 00:26:19,494
You know, if we do this,
Nick is gonna find out.
534
00:26:19,578 --> 00:26:20,870
Well, I'm well aware of that.
535
00:26:20,954 --> 00:26:25,458
But I'm not doing this business with Nick.
I'm doing it with my best friend.
536
00:26:25,542 --> 00:26:26,876
Yeah, you are!
537
00:26:27,460 --> 00:26:29,170
Let's go catch us a shark.
538
00:26:29,421 --> 00:26:31,548
- Let's do it.
- Yeah. [laughs]
539
00:26:31,631 --> 00:26:32,841
♪ I got dreams, y'all ♪
540
00:26:32,924 --> 00:26:35,302
["A Million Dollars A Day"
by Aloe Blacc plays]
541
00:26:35,468 --> 00:26:38,305
♪ Big old pie in the sky
Hopes are high ♪
542
00:26:38,471 --> 00:26:40,307
♪ Crazy dreams, y'all ♪
543
00:26:40,890 --> 00:26:42,142
♪ Talk about it ♪
544
00:26:42,225 --> 00:26:44,519
♪ Bucket list full of ignorance is bliss ♪
545
00:26:44,603 --> 00:26:48,648
♪ And fancy little things, y'all
Twinkling in my eye ♪
546
00:26:49,024 --> 00:26:52,319
♪ Hopin' that I live to see it all
Before I die ♪
547
00:26:53,194 --> 00:26:55,655
♪ I heard about the power of intention ♪
548
00:26:55,739 --> 00:26:58,742
♪ Did I forget to mention
I just wanna get paid ♪
549
00:26:58,825 --> 00:27:00,469
- ♪ A million dollars a day ♪
- ♪ Gimme that money ♪
550
00:27:00,493 --> 00:27:02,013
♪ Gimme that money, gimme that money ♪
551
00:27:02,037 --> 00:27:03,723
- ♪ A million dollars a day ♪
- ♪ Show me that money ♪
552
00:27:03,747 --> 00:27:05,498
♪ Show me that money, show me that money ♪
553
00:27:05,582 --> 00:27:07,143
- ♪ I just want to get paid ♪
- ♪ Gimme that money ♪
554
00:27:07,167 --> 00:27:08,835
♪ Gimme that money, gimme that money ♪
555
00:27:08,918 --> 00:27:10,438
- ♪ A million dollars a day ♪
- ♪ Show me that money ♪
556
00:27:10,462 --> 00:27:12,142
♪ Show me that money, show me that money ♪
557
00:27:12,172 --> 00:27:14,609
- ♪ A million dollars a day ♪
- ♪ Gimme that money, gimme that money ♪
558
00:27:14,633 --> 00:27:16,301
♪ Show me that money, yeah ♪
559
00:27:18,970 --> 00:27:20,263
[woman] Okay, good night!