[Grace Potter's "Stuck In The Middle" playing]
♪ Well, I don't know Why I came here tonight ♪
♪ Got the feelin' That somethin' ain't right ♪
♪ I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair ♪
♪ And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs ♪
♪ And there's clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right ♪
♪ Here I am Stuck in the middle with you ♪
♪ Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
[inhales]
[clears throat]
I'm not talking to you.
I didn't say anything.
[exhales] Well, I just wanted you to know.
Duly noted.
Yeah, to either of you.
Now, hold on. If you're beefing with me, that's one thing...
- Beefing? - But she's got nothing to do with this.
- Leave her out of it. - [scoffs]
Really?
Tell me then, Frankie.
What do you think went wrong with the Shark Tank audition?
- You totally beefed it. - [scoffs] Beefed it?
- You froze up! I had to carry both of us. - Oh.
I couldn't get a word in edgewise.
You went into the entire history of why the dummy has a bullet hole in its head
and how I almost shot our friendship. God.
I mean, why the hell did you have to bring the dummy, anyway?
It was a visual aide.
Who else was going to sit on the Rise Up?
Oh, I don't know, how about you?
I didn't have to go.
The dummy took over the entire pitch.
By the time they got around to asking why there was a toilet underneath it,
our time was up.
So, what do you want me to say to them,
"Shut up now so we can tell you about this toilet?"
You did say that!
[coughs]
I'm not talking to you.
Hey, I just refilled my prescription. Would you care for a chill pill?
Or are you gonna be pouting all day?
Oh, Frankie, between the mess at Desert Topaz
and our four-hour flat tire adventure, I need a day off.
From Rise Up, from you, from all of it.
Well, I need a break from you, too.
So, you want to get lunch...?
Oh, wait! You've got my dummy!
Oh, good, you're here.
I could use a nice hang sesh.
I'll order Chinese, you fire up the Xbox.
No, Frankie.
We need to talk.
I-I'm not tied to Chinese. We can get whatever.
Though, I prefer Chinese. Chinese?
Please, sit.
It's important.
I'm here to...
Oh, this is so hard.
My visa expires in two days.
I can't stay in the country legally anymore. I'm...
I'm here to say goodbye.
Wait, what? Y-You're going back to England?
Back to the rain...
and all those questions about the curious circumstances
surrounding the poisoning death of my ex-husband?
Yes, I'm going back to England.
No, no, this can't be happening.
How could you let it go so far without telling us?
I'm sorry, dear.
I didn't think this would happen, either.
I had a plan.
Some months ago, I ensnared a gentleman citizen named Gus.
- You're talking green card marriage? - Big time.
- But he died last night. - Not Gus.
I know. It's awful.
He had everything you'd want.
Nearly non-verbal,
no qualms about defrauding the US government,
and really needed the ten g's.
You were gonna pay him $10,000?
I've got some money on the street.
We need to find you a husband.
Where on earth could we possibly find a single man my age
who's desperate enough to marry a stranger in two days?
Oh, I think that can be arranged.
Oh.
I don't know why I said it like that. I don't have a plan.
[Mallory] Oh, thank God.
I needed a Mallory day so badly.
Madison's been displaying early signs of pretty troubling...
You know, when I was a mom, it was considered impolite
to bring up your children during a massage.
- Wow, cannot picture you as a mom. - [Mallory snorts]
Although you do a pretty good job with Frankie.
- [scoffs] - Speaking of, where is the little dickens?
I said no children today.
And no business talk.
Today is about me.
- To a lesser extent, you. - Fine by me.
I can talk non-business stuff with my mother and sister.
- [Brianna] Hmm... - [Mallory clears throat]
W...
Would you care for some music?
- Yes! - Music. Great.
[soft flute music plays]
Deep breaths.
[Mallory] Aw, that's so sweet.
They're using Say Grace lotion.
- I'm actually Grace. - [Brianna chuckles]
But I guess you knew that.
Oh, uh, this isn't Say Grace lotion.
[scoffs] I think I would recognize the smell of Beach Rose. I created it.
Um, it's Sea Mist from, uh, Trust Us Organics. See?
[sniffs]
- What the fuck? - They stole Beach Rose?
No, no one stole anything.
Guys, guys, let's not ruin this day for me.
Mallory is right, we should sue the bastards.
That is our proprietary scent.
We're not gonna take this lying down. Everybody up!
But first, let's definitely shut up and get these massages.
No! No. Spa day is canceled. Mallory, call our lawyer.
So, uh, do you need to go?
Yeah, yeah. In an hour.
The three of you. Giddyap. Come on.
[Mallory clears throat]
[people chattering indistinctly]
I knew I'd come up with something.
Walden Villas is chockablock with geezers
who'd jump at the chance to marry a beautiful woman
with all her hair and ten grand. [chuckles]
I don't know about this, Frankie.
Oh, like fish in a barrel.
We are gonna find you a husband.
How?
The greatest innovation in the history of romance.
Speed dating.
[swing music plays]
Welcome, friends, Romans, unwilling spouses!
Welcome. Welcome, all. Come in, come in.
Have a drink, have two, make yourselves comfortable.
And for the love of God, don't be afraid to open those wallets.
We have a theater to save.
Remember,
the future of San Diego gay community theater ages 50-plus itself is at stake.
You're laying it on a bit thick, Meryl.
[Robert exhales]
Drastic times call for drastic measures.
- [Coyote] Donations! - Hey, everyone.
Sidney!
- Sidney, welcome. - Thank you.
Good to see you.
Sidney's here.
He's our biggest fan, God bless him.
Yeah, I bet we can gouge him.
Donations! Make your donations here!
- How are we looking? - [nervous groans]
Yeah, it's pretty grim so far.
Who would have thought a bunch of community theater actors
would be such cheapskates?
Excuse me, won't you?
We have a big problem.
I know. Nobody's eating the canapés.
You promised me I would recoup my money at this fundraiser.
If Sol finds out that I have already made out a check for $20,000 to the theater,
- he's going to kill me. - But Robert,
in the grand scheme of things, who really cares about the money?
You saved the theater.
Cut the Frank Capra crap.
If we don't make that 20 grand back,
somebody's going to need to save my marriage.
I'm busy that day.
[exhales]
This is all making me a little uncomfortable, Frankie.
That's the beauty of speed dating, baby.
Nobody's comfortable.
- Shall we begin? - [whispers] Okay.
Mel, please sit down.
Joan-Margaret, this is Mel Cordray.
Mel, meet Joan-Margaret.
Go!
It's nice to meet you, Mel.
Let's see. Do you like to dance?
I love to dance.
Before my wife passed, we always danced to Johnny Mathis.
- [slight chuckle] - I miss it.
Yeah, yeah, dancing's great.
Do you have a problem lying to the United States government?
- Come again? - Lies. Big ones.
- You game? - I never lied in my life.
Tell it walking, pal.
[sighs, clicks tongue]
[timer clicking]
Are you currently in any jams that ten grand could fix?
Have you ever perjured yourself?
Are you willing to learn absolutely everything
about the goddess to my left
in order to defraud the country you so bravely fought for at Iwo Jima?
[snoring]
And that was the third time I saw Matthew Broderick naked.
Mm-mm.
So, obviously, this isn't an official deposition.
I just need to hear your version of events.
How do you know the scent was stolen?
- [Brianna scoffs] - How do I know? I...
I created it, that's how.
That's right. You tell her, Mom.
- Yeah, it all started back in... - Start telling the story.
Well, I... Would you calm down? I'm telling it.
The year was... 1999.
I was having a relaxing weekend getaway
at the Hotel Del Coronado without my family.
It was Mother's Day.
You spent Mother's Day without your family?
It's called Mother's Day, not "Spend Time With Your Kids" Day.
I was sitting on the beach patio deck, looking out over the water.
This was my... my sanctuary, my place of peace,
of meditation.
I was on my seventh margarita, so I was starting to feel a slight buzz.
See, I don't normally drink tequila.
Oh, a crisp sea wind washed over me
and brought with it the aroma of beach roses and oleander.
It was a combination that mixed sweetly with the lime from my Cabo Wabo shot,
creating a heady mélange that became the basis for Grace Number 5,
more commonly known as...
"Beach Rose."
Okay.
That is shockingly detailed,
considering the amount of alcohol you imbibed.
- Thank you. - [elevator dings]
Where the hell have you been?
I went to the Del Coronado to sniff around.
So I had a few drinks. And then I had a few more.
Yeah, sure. I've been there.
Obviously, I couldn't drive, so I crashed for a few hours.
And when I woke up in my hotel room, I smelled Beach Rose.
[whispers] Everywhere.
[normal voice] It was all over the sheets, the pillows. Everything.
Well, well, how can that be possible?
[exhales] Because Beach Rose is actually Sea Mist,
a linen spray used at the Del
that Trust Us Organics has been making for decades.
I... I don't understand.
If it's a linen spray, how did you smell it outside?
♪ Dream about the sunshine ♪
♪ Got them island blues ♪
Oh, my...
God. I was just smelling the tablecloth.
We all really need to start drinking less.
I stole their smell.
The good news is we figured this out before we tried to sue them.
I say let sleeping dogs lie.
Their CEO is very litigious.
- I'm good with that. - Yeah, I'd rather not be destroyed.
[telephone rings]
[continues ringing]
Brianna's office, can I help you?
Oh, my God. Hold please.
It's Taneth Fairlight from Trust Us Organics,
and she wants to talk to Brianna.
What? Why? Why? Why me?
I'm not the nose pirate.
Who the fuck narc'd?
Bridget, you dirty narc.
What? You just told me.
Yeah, so, actually...
- [Mallory] What do I do with Taneth? - Hang up. Just hang up!
[exhales]
This doesn't make any sense. Wait a minute.
Mallory, you're the dirty narc?
Oh, stop.
Mom?
Narc?
Nobody narc'd.
[inhales]
However, what I might have done, it now seems, prematurely...
was leave a rather threatening voice mail for Taneth.
[Mallory] What did you say?
Something non-specific, I hope?
Let's see, um...
I'm gonna shove that lawsuit so far up your fucking ass,
whoever pulls it out is gonna be crowned King Arthur.
We really need to start drinking less.
Yeah.
[Frankie exhales]
Oh.
Don't be down, my love.
It was a valiant effort.
I just didn't think there would be so many damn squares here.
What's with the elderly and respect for the law?
Well, there's nothing left to do, my love.
[exhales]
Say goodbye to Grace for me.
Tell her I love her and that she owes me $16.
Oh, please don't leave.
Oh, I'm afraid I don't have a choice.
Frankie?
- Who's that? - Who's who?
Oh, Bruno. Woof.
Why didn't we talk to him?
No, no, no, no. I purposely did not put him on the list.
Why on earth not? He's an Adonis.
Sure, he's a piece of ass, but he's bad news, J-M.
Well, aren't we looking for a bad boy for this grift?
But this guy's the worst. He steals other people's pills.
He's the reason they changed the curfew to 4:00 p.m.
Hi. I'm Bruno.
I have a hospital bed,
one of my original knees,
and a Costco tub of off-brand Viagra called Hardicil.
What's your name, gorgeous?
[whispers] Please.
[exhales] Bruno...
could we ask you some questions?
[coins rattling]
- How are we looking now? - Oh, way, way better, Uncle Dad.
People really started to shell out.
Oh, thank God.
We're at, like, uh, 600 bucks.
Five hundred from that guy.
Congratulations.
- Robert! - [grunts]
You're stress-eating all the Humboldt Fog. What's wrong?
Oh, nothing.
It's just this fundraiser is a bust.
Barely anyone is donating, except for old, reliable Sidney.
He gave us $500.
Sidney Richards? Robert, we go to the same oncologist.
He's going broke trying to keep up with his medical bills.
Oh, jeez, really?
Just when I thought I couldn't feel any worse.
[laughter]
I have an idea.
All right, Bruno, we have to determine
if you're a compatible sham-husband for this woman.
And the ten large is still on the table?
It sure is, you sweet talker.
Okay, Bruno. Have you ever lied to the United States government?
I faked my own death to get out of fighting in World War II.
Of course, I went to prison for a stretch.
Wow, you really are a piece of...
But when I was in the can, I doctored my own conscription papers.
Long story short, I spent most of the war in an Allied prison.
[scoffs] Jesus.
Smart, right?
Bruno, you know, we'd need to learn everything about each other
in order to fool Immigration.
Are you up for that?
Sure, but we don't need to do all that work.
Explain, you monster.
When we go in for the interview, I pretend I "no speaka da English."
That entitles me to a translator. I'm thinking Frankie.
That way, when I have to answer a question,
I spit out a lot of bippity-boppity-boo,
and Frankie, a close friend of yours,
answers it for me.
Boom. [chuckles]
My God.
You're spectacular.
[laughs]
City Hall closes at five.
Great, let's get out of here. I got to be back by four.
Wow, this place is so cute. [chuckles]
And it's... it's mom and sis and sis?
Yep. W-We're just a little tiny family business.
- I love that. - Yeah. Mallory's a mom.
Just trying to keep those little angels fed.
They all need special shoes.
Aww.
Now, if I could make a quick, jarring segue,
let's cut the shit, shall we?
See, I might have overlooked this whole thing
if your voice mail hadn't suggested I shove so very many things up my butt.
That is taken completely out of context.
Don't talk. I'm talking now.
And what I'm talking about is a lawsuit that will be too big for anyone's butt.
- Look, this-this whole thing is my fault. - We are not supposed to talk.
They-They didn't do anything. It's all me.
When I left that voice mail for you, I...
I was angry and...
frankly, a wee...
a wee bit drunk.
You know, I'm the one that stole your... your scent.
It was my mistake, and frankly, when it happened, I was a wee bit drunk.
You did all this while you were drinking?
[exhales] I do a lot of things when I'm drinking.
Would you say you make a lot of poor choices when you've been drinking?
Oh, yeah.
Grace...
I've made some bad decisions, too.
- Oh. - [Brianna exhales]
Well, that's a relief. Thank you for being so understanding.
I do understand, Grace.
I understand more than you know.
Oh, I-I don't gamble.
This is an AA chip. Twelve years.
And it saved my life.
[Mallory and Brianna] She was drunk at my graduation.
I can see that.
[people chattering indistinctly]
[clinks cutlery]
Excuse me, everyone.
I just wanted to thank you for coming today.
You're all here because you love the New Lear Theater.
- Yes! - But... so far,
we've barely raised any money to save it.
In fact, it seems the only person
who's actually putting his money where his heart is, is Sidney.
This man can barely afford chemo, and yet, he still donated,
because the theater brings him, like so many of you, so much joy.
I like it when they do raps.
- [Sol] Yeah. - [laughter]
I, for one, think we can do better.
I am ready to make a $1,000 commitment. Who's with me?
[applause]
And I am also donating another $1,000
to help Sidney cover his medical expenses.
- [woman] Oh! - Oh, Sol, I couldn't possibly...
I-I-I'd like to donate $1,200 to Sidney.
- [applause] - Another $1,000 to Sidney.
Good for you. Keep it going.
I'd like to donate $500 to the New Lear.
Two thousand dollars to Sidney.
[applause]
- Fifteen hundred for Sidney. - Wow.
[applause]
Thirty-five... dollars to Sidney.
- First it was wine with dinner. - [Brianna] Mm.
- Then it was vodka with wine. - [exhales]
And I'd be lying if I said I had never tried cough syrup.
Okay.
Mix a little of that with vodka-wine, ooh, it goes down easy.
So that was your rock-bottom, I assume?
- Please. - Okay.
I once watched this woman stick an entire bottle of vodka into a watermelon
- and eat it all in an afternoon. - Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Fruit is a real trigger for me.
She crashed a scooter into a cop car
- while intoxicated. - [scoffs] Yeah, okay, ease up.
Grace, I've seen this movie and I know how it ends.
Listen, if-if I were punished for every mistake I made
while I was under the influence, I wouldn't be where I am today.
I want to help you, as so many have helped me.
I'm dropping the lawsuit.
Yes! All right, I'm buying. [slight chuckle]
It's a family disease.
It really is.
But instead of suing,
what if Say Grace were to become a part of the Trust Us Organics family?
I... don't know. I mean...
I think it would be a great fit.
- But our company is... ours. - Yeah.
And it still will be. Okay, you two will retain your titles,
your brand name, your independence.
But it would mean no more worrying about overhead and payroll.
- And Grace... - Uh-huh?
We have meetings every week.
- Excuse me? - AA meetings.
And I would be honored to be your sponsor.
What do you say?
- Can we talk it over? - Yeah.
- Absolutely. - Yeah.
Yeah. Take a second.
- Okay. - Guys, hey, quick gut check.
Are we alcoholics?
- [together] No, no, no, no. - I mean, Mom might be.
- [Grace exhales] - All right, what the hell do we do here?
Uh, look, I know I got you into this mess, and I'll support whatever you want to do,
but... [exhales]
I truly believe that if you do this...
[whispers]...that woman is gonna make me go to AA.
Yes, I know.
And as hilarious as that would be, I still don't want to sell my company.
Oh, thank God. Oh.
I mean, if that's what you want to do.
Okay, but if we don't sell, she's going to sue us.
No doubt.
But I think the Hanson women should stick together and fight this thing.
Damn straight.
Bruno, as much as it pains me, I have to thank you.
You're really helping us out in a jam here.
Are you kidding? This is great.
Please, keep me in mind for future crimes.
I know this sounds crazy, but I have butterflies.
Oh, what a coincidence, Bruno smells like mothballs.
Please, I'm getting married.
To a prince, no less.
It's a big deal, even if it is a con.
If I'd known it was my wedding day, I-I would have stolen a comb.
[chuckles] Here. Let's look at you. Oh.
I'm sorry. I gotta go.
What? No. Why?
I-I just can't do this.
Oh, what? You want more money?
No, it's not the money.
It's just that I broke my number one rule.
"Don't get attached to anything you're not willing to walk out on
in 30 seconds flat
if you feel the heat around the corner."
That's beautifully put. Where's it from?
I just made it up.
That is definitely from Heat.
[Bruno] You're a very special lady.
And if I was gonna do something like this with you,
I'd want it to be for real.
Look me up if you work it out to stick around.
Frankie, I know we've had our differences, but I really think I should get paid.
Get out of here!
- [suspenders snap] - [soft grunt]
Well, what do we do now?
Oh, sweetie, you know what we're gonna do.
- Oh. - Joan-Margaret,
would you make me the happiest fraud in San Diego?
[chuckles] Oh, Frankie, yes.
- [laughs] - A thousand times yes.
Oh!
Hey, but we still need a witness.
Oh, I've got that covered.
Are you ready to go in there and show this lady what's what?
- Yeah. I mean, how tough could she be? - Yeah.
She's just a two-bit wino.
- Mallory, my God. - Jesus, Mal.
What? I was joking.
Why is it funny when you guys say stuff like that?
- [exhales] - [phone chimes]
Oh, wait.
- I gotta go. - What?
Frankie confused LOL with SOS again,
and I've been friends with her long enough to know when she's in trouble.
Y-You can handle this, right?
Yeah. She's a two-bit wino.
[slight chuckle] Now that's funny.
Taneth.
So, we've put a lot of thought into your proposal.
But, at the end of the day, this company...
is my baby.
It's my mother's legacy. It's my sister's... hobby.
- It's not just a company, and we can't... - This is my offer.
Sold.
Oh! Uh, Frankie!
Oh, you came! You really came!
[breathless] I've been calling you nonstop for 30 minutes.
Huh. So you have. What's up?
What's up? I leave you alone for one afternoon
and you're getting married?
To Joan-Margaret?
Hey, I'm a catch.
[Frankie] Her visa is expiring.
She's gonna be deported if we don't get married.
Just calm down, okay?
First of all, Joan-Margaret is our employee.
We fill out two forms, and she stays in the country.
It's called a work visa.
And what's second of all?
You're missing the point.
Cool, cool, cool. Work visa.
[gasps] Oh!
Like I used to fill out with Robert and Sol.
Oh, my God. You know what? You two deserve each other.
Oh, wait. I... I don't know how to get home.
Not too fast.
Can you believe it, Robert?
Really instills your faith in humanity, huh?
People coming together for a good cause.
Terrific. Just terrific.
So good.
- What's wrong? - The fundraiser was a flop, Sol.
And, of course, I'm glad for Sidney, but the theater made almost nothing.
Honey, if there's one thing I learned today,
it's if you give people a chance to be heroes,
they'll rise to the occasion.
I know we'll find a way.
Well...
maybe you're right.
And maybe...
charity starts at home.
- What do you mean? - Oh, Sol...
what you did today for Sidney inspired me.
What if...
what if we were the ones to save the New Lear?
We've got some extra money put away.
What do we need with 20,000...
when it can go to the people who deserve it most?
Let's do it, you and me, Sol.
What do you say?
Absolutely not.
Oh, thank you, Grace, for coming all the way down to City Hall,
even though it was for nothing.
And I'm sorry that I went rogue at Desert Topaz.
Forget it. You know, you made a mistake. It happens to the best of us, believe me.
- Come here. - [chuckles]
Mmm.
- [phone chimes] - [Grace] Oh!
E-mail.
- It's from Shark Tank. - Oh.
Well, they say they've been calling you all day.
So they have. What's up?
It seems they were so charmed by our rapport, they want us on the show.
That's incredible! Yes!
I knew we killed it.
- We're going on Shark Tank. - [squeals]
[laughter]
This is a nice day.
[laughter]
♪ What I want, you've got And it might be hard to handle ♪
♪ But like a flame That burns the candle ♪
♪ The candle feeds the flame ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ What I've got's full stock Of thoughts and dreams that scatter ♪
♪ Then you pull them all together ♪
♪ And how, I can't explain ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Well, well, you ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ You make my dreams come true ♪
- ♪ You-hoo ♪ - ♪ You ♪
♪ You, you-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo, you-hoo ♪
♪ Well, well, well, you ♪
- ♪ You-hoo, hoo-hoo-ooh ♪ - ♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ You make my dreams come true ♪
♪ You-hoo ♪
[woman] Okay, good night!