[Grace Potter's "Stuck In The Middle" playing]
♪ Well, I don't know Why I came here tonight ♪
♪ Got the feelin' That somethin' ain't right ♪
♪ I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair ♪
♪ And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs ♪
♪ And there's clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right ♪
♪ Here I am Stuck in the middle with you ♪
♪ Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
Frankie, what are we doing here?
What's it look like? We're taking fat rips off my new toilet bong.
Yes, but what are we really doing?
JM, this is a classic invention pivot.
Did you know that Tesla started as a robot girlfriend for Elon Musk?
And this has nothing to do
with what happened with Grace on Shark Tank?
I've already forgotten about Grace's unforgivable betrayal.
I'm a toilet disruptor now. Get the lighter.
Frankie, you are literally setting fire to the thing that you and Grace made.
Do you want to get fucked up or not?
Let's fire this baby up.
[water bubbling]
[exhales]
Well, old friend, this is why you're my new best friend.
Hey, don't bogart that toilet. Let me...
[water bubbling]
[Frankie coughs slightly]
[chuckles]
I've got the munchies.
Oh, it's a little quick to get the munchies.
Well, I was starving before I got here.
I could eat.
[both chuckle]
Oh, my God. We could go anywhere we want.
Grace would never go out with me after I smoked.
She always got real paranoid when I was high.
[gasps] What about that place
where they dump the seafood right on the tables?
Oh, perfect. It'll make up for all the times
Grace wouldn't let me eat chili off the counter.
- [chuckles] - But I'm too wasted to drive.
Also, I don't drive.
[chuckles]
- Hey. - Hello.
So, how'd it go on Shark Tank?
Not well.
The only offer we got was from Mark Cuban.
You're kidding me.
[scoffs]
And?
Well, I... I didn't make the deal.
And Frankie may never speak to me again.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
[exhales] I need more than that. I-I-I need to know this was worth it.
What on Earth did Cuban do to you?
Oh. [exhales]
- It's complicated. - Simplify it.
He bought a basketball team.
- Complicate it. - It was the Mavericks.
And what terrible thing did he do to you to get them?
He outbid me! Publicly!
- What? - Yeah.
[grunts loudly]
I can do it myself!
Don't tell me I sold out my best friend for a basketball team!
No, it's not just that!
He's got more money than me!
[whimpers] Oh, God!
[screeches]
[motorcycle revs]
Guess what just got delivered.
Your midlife crisis, 30 years late?
Hey, man, this is what you wanted!
I do my thing, you do your thing.
You buy a theater, I buy a new ride.
[engine revs]
Is this what we're doing now? Revenge purchases?
Yep. I did have to sacrifice our honeymoon money.
But that's the kind of guy I am now, bad to the bone!
- [engine revs] - Okay, but don't be surprised
if you see an ice cream machine in the cupboard tomorrow!
Yeah, load up!
Put yourself in an early grave!
Oh, wait. You don't have one.
- Nailed him. - [engine revs]
What's a name that makes you think "sexy" but also "non-toxic"?
[Brianna] Hmm.
Cherry blossom?
- Peony? - [Brianna] Mm-mm.
Armie Hammer?
Uh, Barry is back from his backwoods emotional journey,
and he is ready to punish you with his feelings.
Okay, that's my cue. Good luck.
Why? There's not gonna be a fight.
As soon as I tell him I turned down the job,
he'll be back to being my beautiful beta Barry.
[Brianna gasps]
There's my little Eat Pray Lover.
How was Temecula?
Can we have the room, please?
- [Adam clears throat] - Yeah.
Okay. Before you say anything,
you should know that I turned down the San Francisco job
because I consider you...
above all things.
I think you should take the job.
I mean, you'd be... you'd be great at it. [chuckles]
This feels like a trap.
No, no, no. It's-It's not. It's not a trap.
I... [inhales]
[exhales] Look, I realized something from my journaling.
[exhales]
This is all my fault.
Oh, thank God.
Wait. Was that a decoy trap, and this is the real trap?
You've always been completely clear with me.
You don't want any kind of commitment.
I never said "any." We bought a mattress together.
That has a seven-year guarantee.
I think I need more than a mattress.
Fine.
We can get a memory foam topper.
I don't think we...
can be "we" anymore.
You're breaking up with me?
I think it's best for both of us in the long run.
Well, I disagree.
And don't I have a say in this?
You've had your say.
I just haven't been listening.
[Barry exhales]
I better go before one of us cries. [chuckles]
[Barry exhales]
[sighs]
Who am I kidding? It's gonna be me.
I'm sorry.
[indistinct restaurant chatter]
You know, people have shells, too.
Only ours are on the inside.
I was thinking the exact same thing.
I mean, it would be nice to have an outer shell sometimes.
But I guess that's what raincoats are for.
This is unbelievable!
It's like we have one mind, but two accents.
[laughs]
I'm paying for dinner, JM.
No, no, no, you pay. I insist.
[both laughing]
Oh, no. I forgot my purse.
Oh, dear.
You forgot mine, too.
Uh-oh.
Frankie, I think we're at that point in our misadventures
where we usually call Grace to save us.
Well, that's not happening, because I'm not speaking to her.
Oh.
And I left my phone at home.
[scoffs] Great.
And you left mine, too.
[both laughing]
Well, no worries. We'll just borrow one and call somebody else.
Oh, I-I can't remember anyone's number anymore.
Except my lawyer's.
Uh, 1-800-ACCIDENTES.
It's okay, I just need to flip through my mental Rolodex.
Nope.
911, she moved...
[exhales]
Damn it. I got nothing.
Not a single number you can recall?
[exhales]
Only one.
God, I can't believe I betrayed my best friend for nothing.
Well, it wasn't for nothing.
I asked you to do something as my wife, and you did it,
which I appreciate.
- That's not the point! - Well, it is to me.
It was all because of a pissing contest.
I get it. You're not happy.
But you're also a businesswoman. Deals come and go.
You don't get emotionally involved.
Oh, like you didn't with that stupid basketball team?
What are you getting so upset for? This is just a crazy Frankie invention
so she could reach her Fig Newtons in the bathroom.
It was for me.
You wanted Fig Newtons in the bathroom?
No!
Frankie invented the Rise Up because I got...
stuck on our toilet.
- What? When did this happen? - When I first moved in.
And I'm just hearing about this now? Why didn't you tell me?
Because it was humiliating.
Oh, so what? I'm your husband.
If you'd told me,
- I would've gotten rid of it immediately. - [scoffs]
Like you got rid of that couch you know I can barely get off of?
[cell phone rings]
Let me guess. Frankie?
I wish. It's a number I don't recognize.
Hello? Yeah... Oh.
Joan-Margaret. Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Is Frankie with you?
Oh, I'll be right there.
So you're just gonna go to her?
In case you hadn't noticed, we're in the middle of a conversation.
I'd call it a fight.
That's why I'm slamming the door.
[door slams]
What's this about?
The board thought you deserved to be honored...
[rumbling and clattering]
What the hell is that?
The toilet Grace and Frankie gave us.
It doesn't even rise up anymore.
I had to get off the toilet all by myself.
You were saying?
Right.
The board thought you deserved to be honored
for your incredible contribution to the New Lear Theater. [gasps]
"The Rob Hanson Concession Stand"? Is that supposed to be me?
My name is Robert.
You pay by the letter, Rob.
So 20 grand got me a concession stand where we only sell coffee and water?
Oh, we're not selling coffee this season.
Great. I ruined my marriage, and I can't even get three extra letters?
[door opens]
[whispers] Get that thing out of here, now.
- What's that? - What's what?
The thing you just flipped around when I walked in here.
It's a plaque that we're putting up at the theater to honor...
Us.
For giving scholarships to theater-deprived youth. [chuckles]
Oh, well...
if we're being honored, I'd like to see it then.
[scoffs] Show some humility, man!
Is this what we got for our money?
You know what?
- Ooh. - I'm hopping on my hog,
and I'm just gonna go, man.
Just me, the lonely highway,
and Miss Janis Ian,
who I can hear with my wildly expensive Bluetooth helmet!
Good to see you boys are back to normal.
- [motorcycle engine turns over] - Give me my damn plaque.
You could be a little more grateful.
It could have just said "Consesh Stand."
- [crash] - [Sol cries out]
Sol?
Sol!
Sol.
She's got some giddyup.
Oh, I'm not talking to you.
Frankie, I'm here to pay your check and get you out of here.
I'd rather wash dishes.
It turns out they don't pay their dishwashers enough to eat here.
There goes the middle class.
- Can I please get a credit card? - Absolutely.
- Thank you. - But only after she listens to me.
God, have any of you ever dined out before?
It's really simple. You eat, you pay.
Oh, bloody hell, I'm not going down for this.
You two work it out.
[scoffs]
I'd like a vodka martini, very dry, extra olives.
We only serve wine and beer.
Then bring me a glass and a shrimp cocktail, hold the shrimp.
I will DIY a Bloody Mary.
Can you just pay so I can get out of here?
Frankie...
I am truly sorry for what happened on Shark Tank.
So tell me why you couldn't be straight with me about the Cuban thing.
Have you met me?
I avoid all hard conversations.
It's... It's why I carry hard liquor.
It's bad enough you did it,
but then you made it worse by not having the guts to tell me.
Well, what do you want me to say? [stutters] That I regret it? Because I do.
That it was stupid? It was.
That even when I was doing it, it didn't feel like me? It didn't.
Then why in the hell did you do it?
Because it's what a good wife does!
Oh, God.
[exhales] What did I just say?
"That's what a good wife does."
Yeah, I know what I said. I'm just horrified that I said it.
I couldn't find the breakup kit, so I brought the PMS kit instead. Okay?
Yeah. [clears throat]
Why doesn't Barry understand what I gave up for him?
I mean, Taneth offered me a dream job.
Now I'm gonna have to report to some stupid supervisor in San Francisco.
Doesn't he understand how I feel about supervisors?
And what did he really give up for me, anyway?
Marriage and kids.
- Cuddling and foreplay. - Yeah.
Right.
I just thought we'd both made peace with his compromises.
What's taking so long with that fucking Toblerone?
I know this is awful. Okay?
But does any part of you think that maybe Barry is right?
[Brianna exhales]
I mean, you two really do want different things.
[exhales]
Oh, my gosh, this is really happening.
Okay. I need a Toblerone.
No. You don't get PMS chocolate for letting this happen.
- Why not? - Okay.
[clears throat]
I'm your real sister here, okay? In feelings.
And we don't show them to people,
because then they'd know you're really a softy.
And so am I.
Yeah. Being a heartless slut is just a role I play.
I have to say, you play it really well.
Thank you.
But the truth is I'd rather be snuggling up with my boyfriend,
watching Hallmark movies about ladies who marry Santa.
Have you ever seen Loving Mrs. Kringle?
- Own it. With extras. - [gasps]
It has extras?
Hi. How does Santa help me?
Is he gonna bring me a Barry who doesn't want to get married or a Brianna who does?
[Brianna exhales]
What do I do?
You find a third option.
[gasps] Like Santa did in Ho Ho Holy Matrimony.
Exactly.
That reference means nothing to me.
Oh.
It's okay. You would need a magical cookie oven anyway.
- Yeah. - So...
When you married Nick, I knew things were gonna change between us,
but I never thought you were gonna change.
Just like I did when I was married to Robert.
Hmm.
I really thought it would be different with Nick,
but I lost me again.
You know, the real me, the me I am with you.
- I like that you. - Yeah, me too.
[exhales]
And no matter how sweet Nick is,
you're always gonna be the first person I want to call.
You're my first person, too.
In fact, the only number I know by heart is yours.
[exhales]
What?
- [Grace] Oh, God. - What?
I'm starting to wonder if I ever should have married Nick.
What kind of scam are you ladies running? Your card was declined.
What? It can't be.
Well, here, try this.
Thank you.
I don't know what kind of scam you're running either,
but if you need it, I've got access to a "wet floor" sign.
[both laugh]
So, it turns out I'm not a Son of Anarchy.
[chuckles] Yes, but the good news is someone named Rob Hanson
has a concession stand named after him.
I can't believe I bought that stupid thing.
I thought surviving cancer was supposed to make you savor every moment
and be less petty and wiser.
[exhales] And somehow, your cancer even managed to make me stupider.
What's wrong with us, Rob?
[chuckles]
We forgot to savor every moment with each other.
I can't believe I blew all of our honeymoon money.
I really wanted to go on that cruise with you.
Ah, we don't need that boat. We can still have a honeymoon.
- How? - Right here. In our beautiful home.
We'll shut everything off. We'll tell everyone we've left town.
We'll order every meal in.
[rumbling and clattering]
Go on.
[exhales] I lost it.
Anyway, let's stay home.
I love that idea.
[Robert chuckles]
Oh, shit!
I knew they should have stuck to vibrators.
Oh, jeez!
["You'll Lose A Good Thing" by Barbara Lynn plays]
What's going on? Adam said you got attacked by a squirrel?
Yeah, a squirrel named "I Want You Back."
[exhales] Look, I really don't...
Please just let me say what I need to say.
I don't want to lose you, so here's what I'm willing to do:
We combine finances like you always wanted.
I give you another shelf in the closet, and you can eat my leftovers
when we order Ethiopian, ramen, and Mexican.
Look, you know I hate thinking about the future.
But the only thing I hate more is thinking about a future without you in it.
[inhales]
So... [exhales]
[sighs]
[gasps]
Oh, my God.
I don't understand. Are you... Are you proposing to me?
Yes.
And no.
Uh...
So I'm proposing that we get engaged and stay that way.
Forever.
I love you. I know this is less than you want,
but it's so much more than I thought I could ever give anyone.
[exhales]
Is it enough for you?
Yes.
I would love to spend the rest of my life...
engaged to you.
[chuckles]
[soft sob] I knew I was gonna cry today. [chuckles]
What am I gonna tell Nick?
You know, I don't want to lose him.
I just want things to go back to the way they were with us.
I'm gonna be honest.
It's going to be a very hard conversation.
Yeah.
So I think you should fake your own death.
Oh, Frankie.
You're right. Fake his death.
That's never been done.
Oh, there's definitely shrimp in this.
I got your text about not being able to pay.
I understand the crab is market price,
but you are married to a billionaire.
For some reason, none of my cards are working.
Thanks for coming.
No problem.
It's not like anything important was going on in my life,
except I was proposing to Barry.
You what?
You're getting married?
Even better. We're never getting married.
- What? - I know.
Isn't it wonderful?
We're just gonna be engaged forever.
Genius.
And Barry's okay with this?
Please. He's already on the phone with his mom.
Oh, she must be so confused for you both.
I had to come up with something.
I know it's unconventional, but it works for us.
That's what you need to do.
Get engaged to Barry?
No, come up with something unconventional for you and Nick.
Please tell me you've either come to pay the check or kill me.
I don't care anymore.
- So I just got engaged today. - Okay.
Thank you.
Um, so I don't know if that entitles me to a special discount or anything.
I know some places do stuff like that.
It's classy.
Yeah, because that's what we're known for here at The Crab Barrel.
Yeah, I understand.
Oh, she's home.
- Hey. - Hey.
Thank God you're back.
Yeah, I'm sorry I left like that.
I was being stupid.
I'm sorry I keep making Frankie an issue. I... I know you love me.
And I have absolutely no reason to be insecure.
Oh, boy.
Um...
Nick, it's-it's not all on you.
I should have told you about that day in the bathroom.
Look, I get it.
The longer you don't tell someone something,
the harder it is to ever say.
And then when you tell them,
it may not be exactly what they want to hear.
But if-if they can deal with it,
then the relationship can maybe turn into a different kind of relationship.
- Right. You can't fear change. - Yeah.
The important thing is, no matter how crazy things get,
- you get through them together. - [knocking on door]
- Who's that? - It's change.
- Oh, my God! - Mrs. Skolka,
- I'm Agent Fenmore with the FBI. - What the hell?
Nick Skolka, you're under arrest.
Hi, Karin.
What...? What's happening?
Remember how we were just talking about
the longer you don't say something to someone,
the harder it is to say?
[whispers] Say what?
Things like securities fraud and tax evasion.
Allegedly. Really, Karin? Handcuffs?
- Nick? - Call Miriam. She knows what to do.
Could I have a second with my wife, please?
I'm really sorry about this.
I swear, it's all a misunderstanding, and it's all gonna work out.
Is it?
Let's go.
And Grace...
sit on that couch you hate,
and you might just figure out how to rise up.
Well, what does that mean?
Don't give up on me.
I love you.
[Grace] I can't believe I didn't see this coming.
The trip to the Caymans,
selling off his art, the credit cards being declined.
And he did brag a lot about evading taxes.
- Yeah, he really did, didn't he? - Hmm.
What am I gonna do now, Frankie?
Oh, that's the easy part.
- I'm taking you home. - Oh.
[scoffs]
[grunts] What is it with this couch?
Nick said something really weird before they took him away.
Yeah. Was it, "You'll never take me alive, you dirty copper"?
No, because he isn't Jimmy Cagney.
He said, if I sat on this stupid couch long enough,
I'd figure out how to solve our... our Rise Up problem.
Wait a minute.
He said this couch?
Well, it's the only one here.
This very couch that you've hated since the day you moved in?
Well, actually, I hated it before I moved in.
The couch he mysteriously never got rid of?
I find that interesting, Grace.
Very interesting.
Is it possible this couch is uncomfortable for a reason?
Yeah. Poor Italian design.
Step aside.
[scoffs] I can't even get off it.
- [Frankie chuckles] - [Grace stammers]
Oh, yeah. I can step aside.
God, Frankie. Why do you have a box cutter?
I grabbed it this morning. I thought it was a pack of gum.
No, no, Frankie, don't!
What? Stop!
Frankie, what are you doing? Frankie, no! Stop it.
I sure hope I'm right.
[Grace] God.
[gasps] Oh!
- My God! - [laughs]
I used to be excited when I found nickels in the couch.
[whispers] Frankie!
[Frankie laughs]
Oh, my God. I think we've got our funding for the Rise Up!
Thank you, Nick!
I'm gonna go see what's in the mattress.
Yeah, no, Frankie! Stop.
[exhales]
Well, we're definitely registering for a shit-ton of gifts.
Can we do that if we know we're never gonna get married?
Well, we can if you want that nine-and-a-half quart
Le Creuset Dutch oven in matte navy.
That'll complete my set. [chuckles]
Come here. Mmm.
Well, look at you two canoodling on the couch.
We're engaged and registering, bitch!
I can't believe I said that. Uh, forgive me?
Hmm. Well, seeing you guys so happy is a beautiful thing.
Especially you.
Thank you.
Crazy thing. I got a call from Taneth.
She called you?
Yeah. We've actually talked a few times.
Of course, she's so upset you didn't take the job.
Oh, man. Is she sulking?
Yeah.
But I've been getting her to focus on other stuff.
And she really appreciated it and, um...
offered me a job.
That's incredible!
The one she offered you in San Francisco, and I'm taking it.
- Incredibly bad for everyone in this room. - Wait.
You took my job?
And so now you're my boss?
No.
No, no, no, no, no, not boss.
- Not boss at all. - Okay.
Supervisor.
[Grace] I feel so guilty.
Why? Because you wanted to be back at the beach house with me so bad,
you manifested your husband's arrest?
[slight chuckle] No.
Because this is what I wanted. I... I just didn't want it this way.
Oh, Grace, Nick is white-collar.
In three years, he'll probably be president.
[both laugh]
In the meantime, let's enjoy what we have.
- It is good to be back. - Oh.
[both chuckle]
Ah, hey, look.
What are you two jabronis doing here?
Funny story.
Our entire house flooded.
- Oh, not funny "ha-ha." - What happened?
What happened was your Rise Up exploded.
Oh, God.
But the best part is, our insurance says they won't cover it.
But they did recommend going after the people who gave it to us.
- Oh, God. - And since I now own
the most expensive concession stand in America, and he's a hog man,
we can't even afford to stay in a hotel.
We've got 50 grand in the freezer.
Peel off a hundy, get yourself a motel for the night.
Oh, our house is going to be a construction site for months.
Roomies.
Oh, God.
["Golden Years" by David Bowie plays]
♪ Golden years ♪
♪ Gold, whop, whop, whop ♪
♪ Golden years ♪
♪ Gold, whop, whop, whop ♪
♪ Golden years ♪
♪ Gold, whop, whop, whop ♪
♪ Don't let me hear you say Life's taking you nowhere ♪
♪ Angel ♪
♪ Come get up, my baby ♪
♪ Look at that sky, life's begun ♪
♪ Nights are warm and the days are young ♪
♪ Come get up, my baby ♪
♪ There's my baby, lost that's all ♪
♪ Once I'm begging you Save her little soul ♪
♪ Gold, whop, whop, whop ♪
[woman] Okay, good night!