[Grace Potter's "Stuck In The Middle" playing]
♪ Well, I don't know Why I came here tonight ♪
♪ Got the feelin' That somethin' ain't right ♪
♪ I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair ♪
♪ And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs ♪
♪ And there's clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right ♪
♪ Here I am Stuck in the middle with you ♪
♪ Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
Frankie. Frankie, where are my keys?
Where we hang the oven mitts.
Well, then where are the oven mitts?
Joan-Margaret put them in the freezer to make arthritis mitts.
She called it a "life hack."
Well, she's really been hacking my life to pieces these days.
- [sighs] Did she at least get more coffee? - Oh, hmm.
Um, I don't know. Let me check.
Mm...
No. Listen to this,
next to paper towels, she's just written no.
- [scoffs] - A classic J.M. riddle.
What do you think it means?
I think it means you're doing errands today.
- That's not a fun riddle! - Okay, how about...
What's swaddled in tie-dye and going to the grocery store and the pharmacy?
David Crosby.
A cool baby.
My lost Tamagotchi.
Frankie, I'm down to my last three pills, which means so are you.
Joke's on you, I have been out of pills for days.
No, you haven't, because I crushed them up in your cereal.
I thought my blood felt strangely thin.
Look, I've got work. Somebody has to get this done.
But I just got three seconds added to a traffic light.
I shouldn't get a list of chores.
I should get a giant key to the city to open giant doors...
to let in more justice.
We're also out of cookie butter.
On my way.
[Robert] I'm back.
Thought you were taking a walk.
I did.
I walked to the car, I walked into the donut shop...
What about your diet? You were doing so great.
Yes, well, that was when I thought I was playing Don Quixote...
before Peter betrayed me.
Now I'm Sancho, the plump and jolly sidekick.
These dogs used to be plump and jolly...
before their humans betrayed them.
You know, I agreed to get a dog because you miss Norman so much.
Why don't you get a Norman?
Wow.
Good idea, right?
No. That "wow" was short for
"I can't believe you'd think I'm the kind of monster
who would buy a dog from a breeder
when there are millions of rescues who need homes."
That's what "wow" is short for? Hmm.
I guess I've been using it wrong all these years.
Look at Robinson.
He was left in a dumpster.
And Cadillac's owners died.
Who's gonna take a geriatric Pit Bull?
And how about brave little Cissy?
She had half her teeth removed...
but she's still smiling.
Sweetheart, just pick a dog. Any dog.
You can't keep doing this to yourself or me.
But mainly you. But also me.
You're right.
I'll try to narrow it down.
Thank you.
Oh, God!
Biscuit was just found in a Costco parking lot.
He was drinking from a tipped-over can of Fanta!
[Robert groans]
- [spits] - [man] Excuse me... sir.
- Excuse me, are you Coyote Bergstein? - Hmm.
The one and only, except for that one in Toronto that I...
[grunts]
[Coyote gasps] Oh!
Oh.
- [woman] Were there any other questions? - When they say,
"It could cause murderous thoughts," what are the odds?
Can you believe this amateur?
Most people take that list of side effects and throw it out when they get home.
Ma'am, I need you to honor the privacy zone in front of the footprints.
Of course. Sorry.
[sighs] I'm so sorry about that.
So, what are you in for? Lipitor? Fosamax?
- Januvia. - Warfarin.
Been there, took that.
[Frankie] So, this is what we do now?
Wait in line to get pills that keep us well enough to wait in more lines?
Third prescription this week.
You do this three times a week? How do you stand it?
I don't. I sit it.
Look, I love magic as much as the next guy,
but I have better things to do with my time.
Me too. I'm missing my stories.
I could be with my granddaughter.
I don't really have anything else going on.
[sighs]
Just for the record, I'm ignoring you. You're not ignoring me.
Interesting choice.
Ignoring me by running over here and telling me you're ignoring me.
Want to see how I do it?
Thought we were ignoring each other.
Well, you seem really torn up about that.
What the hell is your problem?
My problem is the Penelope Cruz knockoff I met on her way to your penthouse.
You went to my penthouse? Why?
Because...
Because Frankie thought you bought the beach house.
And you were coming over to yell at me for that?
'Cause that's our problem.
You yelling at me for things people shouldn't get yelled at for.
No. That is not our problem.
Our problem is, how could you sleep with someone so quickly?
What makes you so sure I slept with her?
Oh... didn't you?
We all mourn in different ways.
- [scoffs] Unbelievable. - You know what's unbelievable?
For a moment, I actually considered buying Walden Villas to be with you.
But old people complain too much.
You want quiet tenants and nice profits?
- Buy a minimum security prison near D.C. - [scoffs]
How can you make jokes?
Do you have any idea how I felt when I saw that girl?
I mean, we had just broken up.
Let's be clear. "We" didn't break up.
You broke up with me which you'd been trying to do for months.
- That's not true. - Yes, it is.
I tried every possible way to show you how much I wanted to be with you.
That I didn't care about the age difference.
You're the one who couldn't let it go.
So, congratulations. You did it.
You finally pushed me away.
Come on, I have somewhere to be.
Let the older folks go ahead.
What would Wolverine do for an older Wolverine?
I have no idea. I abhor tent-pole movies.
You've got young legs, you can stand longer than us.
I need my Accutane. I'm not going to NYU a virgin.
Yes, you are.
This is taking forever. Could you ask them to start another line?
No. I'm a security guard.
But you have any idea what it's like
to stand in one place all day but not go anywhere?
Yes. I'm a security guard.
[sighs] Oh.
Tut-tut-tut.
It's okay. I was here before.
Yes, but you left, and you didn't ask anyone to save your place.
You heard me, "Save my place", right?
You're gonna leave NYU a virgin, too.
[Frankie sighs]
Oh.
- That's a beautiful dog. - Oh, thanks.
He's Harry. I'm Audrey.
Sol.
Harry, say hello to Sol.
Aw.
Which dog is yours?
Uh... Rascal's pretty shy.
He likes to do his business on the other side of the park.
They're real sticklers about going off-leash here.
Get him if you don't want a fine.
I would, but I didn't actually bring Rascal today.
Oh.
Mainly because there isn't a Rascal. I brought the leash
so I wouldn't look like the weirdo who comes to a dog park without a dog.
It's less weird to bring a leash with no dog?
Oh, God. Are you that flasher?
No, no, no. They caught that guy.
Oh, okay.
Truth is, I'm here for a bit of inspiration.
I really wanna get a dog of my own, but I just can't seem to pick one.
I get that.
Not the leash, but getting a pet is a big deal.
But I think you know when you know. You know?
I wish Robert understood that.
Is Robert another pretend dog?
No, he's a man.
A real man.
My man.
- [Harry barks] - Oh! [chuckles]
Oh.
This is all I want.
Just a sweet, little snuggler like you, Harry.
Yes, you are. You are a snuggler.
- I actually do know of a great dog. - Really?
Yeah, my friend is trying to find someone to take Harry's brother.
You mean there's another one just like him?
I hate to admit it, but Carl's even sweeter.
This is fate.
I'm looking for a dog. I meet you. I'm not a flasher.
You know a wonderful dog who needs a home.
It's not that amazing. We are in a dog park.
- True. - Yeah. [chuckles]
- So you want to meet him? - Yes, please.
You will not be sorry, my friend is the best breeder in town.
[sighs]
Looks like the swelling's down.
[exhales] Thanks, Mal.
Funny they call it a black eye.
- [sighs] - It's more like a blueish-purple.
- Like a dark magenta? - That you're trying to figure out?
Not why a polite teen stepped out of nowhere and punched me in the face?
You sure he isn't one of your students
who's upset that you gave the clarinet solo to somebody else?
None of my marching band kids punch that hard. Except Terry.
But he's Mr. Salt's problem now.
Turns out, when you come back from LA,
you get demoted to middle school band,
and Mr. Salt is the rising star at the high school.
Okay, let's try to think through this logically.
- Who would be that mad at you? - [chuckles]
You've got to be more specific.
I mean, are we talking friends, neighbors, Brianna?
[chuckles] All right.
Who was the last person who hit you?
Are we talking closed-fist, slaps, Brianna?
Okay, I think we're getting off track here.
What could you have done to make this kid so angry?
I don't know.
You know, I haven't done anything punch-worthy since I got sober.
What was the most punch-worthy thing you did
before you got sober?
[sighs]
- Driving on your lawn comes to mind. - Yeah.
You know, but other than that, it was mostly just, like,
wham-bamming a bunch of ma'ams and then not thanking them.
Nice.
Wait, you think this kid has something to do with that?
- How would he have something to do with... - Well, how irresponsible were you?
Oh, God.
Wait, you think...
Could he be your son?
[voicemail] Your call is important to us.
- Someone will be with you shortly. - Eff you, robot.
Can you believe this bullshit?
I called the pharmacy to complain about their lines,
and some robot puts me on hold, as if hold isn't another digital line.
- Uh-huh. - [sighs]
Grace, are you listening to me?
Uh-huh.
I know why you're distracted.
Because you won't stop talking about robots?
No. I'm riveting.
You're upset because of Nick.
- He was incredibly rude. - Not buying it, sister.
- [huffs] - When people are rude to you,
you banish them to the studio without queso.
This is something else.
This is hurt with a tinge of regret.
Go to your studio without queso.
Oh, I struck a nerve.
Ah. It's okay to admit you miss him.
I don't miss him.
It was easier not to miss him... [chuckles] when I didn't see him.
But what does it matter?
I blew it. It's over.
- It's not over. - [sighs]
It's just the part of the movie where you have to run through the airport.
I really don't have the knees for that.
I'm talking about doing something big to win him back.
[scoffs] Even if I could,
I've never pursued a man. I...
I don't know how.
Well, thank Gal Gadot you have me.
Back in the day, I had to woo Sol pretty hard.
[laughs] Really?
You had to woo a man that wears sandals made out of truck tires?
Oh, scoff all you want.
He was a Woodstock nine.
Maybe a nine-and-a-half without the sandals.
Okay, I'll bite.
How did you woo Sol?
I climbed through his window, covered his apartment floor with flowers.
Yeah. Again, the knee issue.
I placed a classified ad that said, "Hey, Sol, come and get me."
This isn't helping.
It didn't help Sol, either. I forgot to put my name and number.
Seriously, Frankie, what am I gonna do?
I don't know, but whatever it is, you have to put yourself out there.
You might even have to sacrifice your dignity a little.
But isn't it worth it if you could get him back?
[man over phone] Hello, thanks for holding, this is Darren.
Uh... Yes, hello, Darren. It's about time.
You don't know me, but I'm your worst nightmare.
I just fought City Hall and got three seconds added to a crosswalk,
and I'm just one sock puppet soliloquy away
from getting my granddaughter to laugh for the first time.
So sorry, I'm going to have to put you on hold again.
No, Darren.
Darren, don't do me like this.
- [music plays over phone] - [sighs] Don't do me like this!
[groans softly]
[Robert] Who gave you that little goodie?
Who could abandon a face like that?
Let's not bring up abandonment. It's an issue for him.
You know, I was a little worried about getting a rescue, but Carl's so loving.
You picked a good one.
I'd say it's more like he picked me.
- Then he picked a good one, too. - [doorbell rings]
Oh, that's Oliver.
Peter begged me to coach him.
Surprise, surprise!
A 30-year-old doesn't quite have the gravitas to play Don Quixote.
- You're not Oliver. - Nope, I'm Bud.
- [Robert] Of course you are. - Hey, you finally picked a dog!
Yep, this is Carl.
What is he, a Jack Russell?
No.
No, no, no, no. He's a mutt.
[Bud scoffs]
Why'd you name him Carl?
Uh... Oh, because he was found at a Carl's Jr.
I was found in a Carl's Jr. once.
Sol made me come home and eat carrots.
[chuckles]
You sure this guy's a mutt?
Who can say without a full DNA panel?
But he's a rescue dog who was found in a dumpster,
so, we absolutely will never know for sure.
- [Bud scoffs] - What are you doing here anyway?
Uh, you asked me to stop by to pick up your old food processor.
Right, for the baby food.
Wow, Carl's already better behaved than any rescues we ever had.
Mahatma ate the sleeves off all my sweaters.
- And who's eating all your sleeves now? - [laughs]
Hilarious from a guy in sweatpants. Which shelter did you get him from?
Uh...
You know, the one we got Jerry Garcia from.
Oh... I thought we found Jerr-Bear at the Strawberry Festival.
Why are we standing around here talking about strawberry festivals?
I thought you came over to get a food processor.
- I did. - Great.
So help me find the fucking food processor.
- [door opens] - [clatters]
- That's not it. - Okay.
Hello, Nick.
You know, when people break up, they usually see less of each other.
Oh, please, I still see my exes. Robert and...
- I guess that's it. - How did you even know I'd be here?
Well, how did you even know I'd be here?
Okay, I'm confused. What are we doing?
'Cause my lunch date's gonna be back in a minute and...
...this isn't my job anymore.
I just wanna say that you were right.
I did push you away,
but, Nick, I've changed.
- You say that, b... - No, I mean it.
And I'm better for you than whatever age-inappropriate sorority girl
you're having lunch with.
Great, 'cause here she is.
[scoffs] You really only have two types, don't you?
Grace, this is Cathleen.
- My mother. - No.
So, are you joining us for dessert?
Oh, I don't know, Mom.
Grace, would you be comfortable with that?
Abso-tootin-lutely.
Hmm. [chuckles]
[Coyote grunts]
Jesus fuck.
Wait! Wait! Wait!
I think I might know why you're mad,
but is there anything I can say that'd convince you not to hit me again?
No.
[moans]
[sighs] All right, I can't do it with your face all scrunched up like that.
Want me to turn around or...
No! No! Just stop helping me.
[sighs]
[whines]
I can't do it. You're too sad.
Can I ask you... [stammers] how old you are?
What? I'm 17. Why?
I'm trying to figure out if you could be who I think you might possibly be.
I'm the guy whose family you broke up.
My dad read the emails you sent my mom.
What emails?
You had an affair with my mom and you don't remember?
If it was 17 years ago, I don't remember much.
No, it was two years ago.
Oh, thank God.
If those emails are from two years ago, they're not from me.
You need to hit someone else.
No, I know my mom came here to see you.
She told us she'd go to New York to see Kinky Boots,
but she came here for you.
Wait, is your mom's name Krystle?
So you do remember her?
Yeah.
But it's not what you think.
She's my mom.
- What? - My birth mom.
And your mom.
She's both... our moms.
But she was my mom first.
And then she gave me up for adoption.
I don't understand.
You're my half-brother.
Jesus fuck.
Yeah. [panting]
Was Carl found at a Carl's Jr. or in a dumpster?
It was a dumpster at a Carl's Jr.
But wasn't that other dog on the rescue site found in a dumpster?
There are plenty of unfortunate dumpster pups out there, Robert.
Too many.
[doorbell rings]
[panting]
Oliver, so relieved to see you.
- Relieved? - No reason. [chuckles]
Oh, my! Who is this fancy little pup?
He's not a fancy pup! He's a garbage pup!
Uh, are you sure? He looks like he could be a show dog.
Man, he's got great conformation,
and the alignment with his forelegs to his withers.
How do you know that?
Oh, my mother used to show German shepherds. [chuckles]
Uh-oh!
And this guy has got perfect form. Where'd you get him?
From a shelter, right, Dad?
"Adopt, don't shop." "Buy a dog, kill a dog."
Isn't that what you always told us?
I miss veal.
Well, don't shelters usually neuter the dogs?
Because this little guy has still got his balls. [chuckles]
They're prosthetic. For his confidence.
Dad, enough.
Sol, spit it out.
Okay. He's not a rescue. [pants]
I got him from a breeder!
I looked at his furry little face and I became a monster!
I'm Sol Bergstein and I paid $3,000 for a purebred show dog.
Wow. And to be clear,
that wow was short for "Wow, sweetheart.
- You're a huge hypocrite." - [scoffs]
For that much, I hope he came with papers. [chuckles]
I get why you hate him.
Senior Fast Pass customer, passing through.
You go ahead of me. I don't have one of those passes.
Lucky for you, mine says "plus one".
- Oh. - [chuckles]
- [Frankie sighs] - Oh, God, what is it now?
I've just been on the phone with corporate.
And they are shocked at your inhuman wait times
and they gave me this Fast Pass card to make up for it.
So, prescription Bergstein, Hanson and my new friend...
- Marie Slovatkin. - Marie Slovatkin.
Security to the pharmacy, please.
I'm not with her, I swear.
Oh, way to fight the power, Marie.
So, we meet again.
We both knew we would.
I'll need you two ladies to step behind the privacy footprints now.
But I have a Fast Pass.
Looks like an old lady went full-metal bonkers in the arts and crafts aisle.
You gave me no choice.
Marie and I don't have time to give up everything in our lives
to get the medicine we need.
You do know they have mail-order prescriptions, right?
The post office? I'm already three beefs deep with them.
I am not surprised by that.
Listen you, I could be with my baby right now.
Not my baby, technically, but spiritually.
So you go back there
and you get us our goddamn drugs.
[sighs]
If it will finally get rid of you, fine.
You know, this war was never about you.
I just want everyone to be happy.
Okay, I have Slovatkin and Hanson,
but Bergstein, we're out of both your prescriptions.
You'll have to come back tomorrow.
You have got to be flippin' kidding me.
Don't think we've the kind of relationship where we kid around.
[cell phone buzzing]
Mom, Faith just laughed for the first time!
Oh, no! Faith, do it again.
Quick, somebody get me a sock and two googly eyes.
[trilling lips]
[blubbers]
Okay, she's not doing it.
I'm sorry. I promise you'll see the next laugh.
But it won't be her first.
[Frankie sighs]
Ah.
Uh, all right, let's see what's better.
To be honest, nothing could be worse than this carrot cake.
You should leave. This is your nightmare.
Well, why are you saying that?
You told me you hoped my mom had passed
so you'd never have a moment like this.
Yet here we are, and I'm loving it.
So, how do you two know each other?
Mom, this is Grace.
Remember, I told you? The woman I was seeing.
[laughs]
Who are you, really?
Well, I'm Grace. I'm Nick's girlfriend.
Ex-girlfriend.
Well, we've had a few hiccups.
More like a fatal, full-body seizure.
[Cathleen] Oh.
So, you two were, um... dating?
I know I'm not exactly who you were picturing.
Well, no. [chuckles]
When Nicky said he was seeing someone more mature for once,
I was thinking you were maybe 40, not 40 times two.
Mom, she's not that old.
Funny story for later...
Mr. Skolka, I hope everything was to your liking
and that you and your mother...
[stammers] Well, she's the mother. I mean, clearly she's the mother.
Because you look so much like him,
or he looks so much like you.
So, Cathleen, what brings you to San Diego?
Oh, just seeing Nicky and my grandson.
Do you have grandkids?
Yes, I do. They're so, so precious.
I never met them.
I don't see them as much as I'd like to.
Oh, they live out of town?
No.
You two do have something in common.
Mom just recently moved into a retirement community.
Of course, she called and told me she was moving before she did it.
Well, I'm here to tell you in person that I've moved out of my retirement community.
Oh, do you have a Richard, too?
Because we kicked our Richard out.
You shouldn't have to move.
Oh, no, it was a big mistake to move there.
- [inhales] Well, for me. - Oh.
- It's perfect for some people, but... - Hmm.
[sighs] I made a lot of mistakes.
And so we agree.
- On that note, I have a plane to catch. - But...
Mom, I'll see you when I get back.
Grace...
What was this?
No, wait, don't leave.
Nick, don't go. [sighing]
Nick, I love you.
I know I've wasted a lot of our time,
but I know what I want to do with the time we have left.
I want to do you. [inhales]
[Frankie sighs]
Well, you know what I mean.
I do, yeah. [chuckles]
I'll see you, Grace.
[Cathleen sighs]
You sure know how to crash a lunch.
Oh, thank you.
[Son Little's "O Me, O My" playing]
♪ O me o my ♪
♪ O me, o my ♪
♪ Frozen in time O me, o my ♪
♪ Feel the death grip of fear Wrap a claw around your petrified heart ♪
♪ Ain't no way to make you stay ♪
♪ You wanna run And make a brand new start ♪
♪ On Mars ♪
♪ Feels like everywhere you go Around the globe another terror awaits ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ And no matter what you change ♪
♪ All the pain and everything Stays the same ♪
♪ O my ♪
♪ O me, o my ♪
[woman] Okay, good night.