[Grace Potter's "Stuck In The Middle" playing]
♪ Well, I don't know Why I came here tonight ♪
♪ Got the feelin' That somethin' ain't right ♪
♪ I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair ♪
♪ And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs ♪
♪ And there's clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right ♪
♪ Here I am Stuck in the middle with you ♪
♪ Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
[laughs]
[snoring]
[snoring stops]
Oh, my God.
[snorts]
[exhales]
[snoring resumes]
[yells] Robert!
I was having the most wonderful dream.
[groans]
[inhales, sighs]
[snoring]
[bells tinkling]
[moans]
Oh, you look handsome.
I woke up early to put my makeup on.
[chuckles]
Just kidding. I did do my hair, though.
I thought I smelled my hair spray.
It's incredible.
It's got hold, but not too aggressive.
- [Grace chuckles] - And the shine?
Get out of town.
Okay, abrupt topic change.
- Are you hungry? - Almost never.
Well, I'm making you breakfast anyway.
Oh, remember the last time you tried to make breakfast?
Egg tartare?
Why not let me make us something?
It's already being taken care of, my dear.
[gasps]
Welcome to Chez Nick. It's an adorable little pop-up
situated right in the middle of the elegant Maison Grace.
How did they...
Did you get up early to let them in?
- No, they all have keys. - Uh...
Oh, thank you.
- I could get used to this. - So could I.
[door closes]
Ah!
Sweet St. Christopher's bazooka! What's going on here?
I'm making breakfast.
What's going on here?
Just being me times a thousand.
[chuckles] You always say that.
Name one other time I've said that.
At Disneyland,
when you hopped off Pirates of the Caribbean mid-ride
to chill with "that dog."
I drank bong water that day.
Where you been, Kooky? We haven't seen you in days.
I have been painting non-stop.
I've barely slept.
Jeez, what got into you at that ashram?
The only thing I got was a lecture from my hematologist
about "making better choices."
[laughs]
Nothing got into me, Grace.
I mean, my blood's weird now, too.
But opening myself up to that place sparked an artistic renaissance.
Even Da Vinci took a break.
Now, would madame like her Cheerios folded in the omelet
or sprinkled on top?
Wish that I could, pal, but I need to get back.
I'm crushing it up there.
Just here for the coffee.
Aha! There you go.
How do they know I take it with Mountain Dew?
[Grace chuckles]
Cheers. [chuckles]
- What was that? - What was what?
Your tambourine hand.
That was nothing.
I've just been putting a lot of stress on my wrists with all the creating.
Caffeine in your caffeine probably doesn't help.
- Oh. - Frankie, you've had TIAs.
You should go to a doctor and get that checked out.
I don't need to. It's nothing.
I know my body.
Do you?
How about when you were with Jacob and thought you were pregnant?
[chuckles]
I drank bong water that day, too.
Well, I'm taking you to the doctor, by force if necessary.
Oh, I'm shaking. No, I'm not.
[door closes]
[Bud] Good, still hot.
Wait, is it too hot?
Allison, how hot do your parents like their quiche?
- [baby coos] - Why are you obsessing about brunch?
I wanna make a good impression on your father,
unlike the first time I met your mom.
My mom loves you.
No, I think she felt she had to say it 'cause I said it first.
It'll be fine.
My dad'll make fun of my job. He'll eat the quiche,
will like it more than he thought, won't admit it, then he'll leave.
Yeah. He'll leave with a new best friend.
He already has a best friend. His name is Bruno, and he's dead.
Okay, I can work with that. I know a lot of dead guys through my mom.
- Hmm. - [knock on door]
Be right there.
Don't mention Evan's in jail 'cause my dad knows nothing about the embezzling.
What? How does he not know your brother's in jail?
It's just that Evan is my dad's favorite,
and he's got a weak heart and strong yelling muscles.
Well, how... How is this even possible?
We just say he's traveling for work,
and when he phones us from prison, my mom always accepts the call.
- Just don't say anything, okay? - But I... We...
- Hi! - Hey!
- Hey, there she is. Oh. - Hi, Mom. How are you?
- Hey. How you... Okay, that's... Yeah. - Oh, how is this baby?
- Good to see you. - Hey there. Hi.
Honestly, it's not that bad.
You look like one of those elite athletes in a Gatorade commercial.
I look like I'm on life support.
Come on!
You can barely notice it.
[machine whirs]
It's blowing my face off my face!
- What? - Shut it down!
[whirring stops]
Robert, this is your health we're talking about.
Insufficient oxygen can put a lot of stress on the heart,
and you've already had one heart attack.
Do you want me to start quoting WebMD?
- Didn't you just quote WebMD? - You want me to withhold sex?
Sometimes. After you've eaten pastrami.
- Where are you going? - To the park.
I'm late to help Oliver not be horrible in Man of La Mancha.
Fine. We'll talk about it later.
Just let me find Carl. We're coming with you.
You don't feel weird about rehearsing in the middle of a park?
It's a gay park. Everybody's rehearsing something.
Hey, can I make breakfast or what?
Sure, we can talk about Frankie.
[sighs]
I'm sorry.
It's just, what if it's Parkinson's?
Oh, hey, hey, don't go wide. It's probably nothing, just like she said.
But just in case, why don't we get her to my doctor?
He's very good and we'll get right in. Because of the money.
Is he a warlock who diagnoses people
based on the behavior of the birds outside his office?
No? Frankie's not gonna see him.
It's touching how much you worry about her.
[scoffs]
You have no idea.
It haunts me. Do you remember my friend Babe?
Yeah, she was in management at Boeing or something.
No. The gal Frankie killed.
Oh, right. Yeah, sure. Babe.
I saw her at the ashram.
She, uh... She came to me in a vision.
[sighs]
Toilet gin.
Made me realize how much I'd worry about Frankie if...
[sighs]
you know, if we became regulars at Chez Nick.
There will always be a table for you there...
unless Clooney's in town.
[chuckles]
I just want to be sure she's going to be okay.
♪ Oh ♪
Scene.
That is not the end of the scene.
- That's where our problems begin. - [Oliver] I'm sorry.
I got distracted by guys over there rehearsing West Side Story.
[fingers snapping]
Look, this is the scene
where Cervantes walks out into the light to be judged.
He's an old man taking stock of all that has passed
and will never be again.
So, not what I just did?
No. Let me show you.
- It's OK. Just talk me through it. - No, this is how we learn.
- I don't want you to exert yourself. - By getting up?
Well, Sol told me that you've been having some breathing issues.
Oh, God, when did he tell you that?
Just now, in a very long text.
I'm sorry. Did I just ruin your marriage?
No, Sol is doing most of the heavy lifting on that front.
I actually think it's sweet that he's so worried about you.
- Please don't get mad at him. - Oh, I don't get mad, I get even.
And revenge is a dish best served when Sol is in the shower.
[Oliver] Oh, God. What is he doing?
Listen, I'll be right back.
[groans]
[fingers snapping]
Guys, you're in a street gang, not a yogurt commercial.
[Sol] It's okay. You're a good boy, Carl.
- What is the matter with you? - Sorry, are we bothering you?
You tried to make him fetch when he disobeyed, you gave him a treat.
Well, he loves treats and I love him, so...
Stop. You're embarrassing yourself.
This dog is man's greatest creation,
a genetic marvel bred to perfection through years of painstaking husbandry.
- Carl? - Yes!
You're letting him call the shots.
He needs to know you're in charge, not him.
You have to be the alpha.
So I'm the beta?
Sol. Okay, put it this way,
Carl thinks that you're his dog.
[barks]
Not now, Carl.
Stop it, Carl.
[Sol laughs]
- His tongue is so sandpaper-y. - Anhalten!
How did you do that?
It's the command my mother uses for her German shepherds.
I guess it translates to Jack Russells, too.
Well, it really does work.
Though, I'm not a huge fan of German yelling.
- Hey, girl. - Oh, good.
Could you hand me my painting clog?
Oh, sure, I was hoping to come up here and touch your shoes.
What're you working on?
Oh, honestly, Grace? I don't know.
The muse is just flowing through me.
Feels like it's all a part of something, but I have no idea what.
Well, I've always been good at puzzles.
But helpless to solve the greatest puzzle of all, yourself.
Side note: you smudge one of those paintings
and you owe me $20 billion.
[chuckles] Oh, God.
Oh, my God. Frankie, it's him.
Oh, my God. It's him.
Frankie, why would you paint a man you hated from the ashram?
Okay, so, cards on the table.
I super-boned that dude.
[chuckles] What? But you said you loathed him!
I thought I resolved those issues by sleeping with him,
but it'd appear he's still inside me.
Ew.
Quick, read me my last haiku I wrote in my haiku journal.
"Who is the you who
The yurt's all sex and raisins
You're inauthentic"
Frankie, this is ridiculous.
Is it?
Or is everything Leo said about me right?
I am inauthentic.
I've got to get back to my roots.
Where did I go so wrong to have such a comfortable life with you?
Oh, yeah, I'm... I'm terrible.
Introducing you to the evils of socks, floss.
I live... in... a... beach house.
I mean, my God, I'm a businesswoman!
Agh, it makes me gag.
Maybe I should go to Leo now. He could be my guru.
Get me back to my roots. Tell me who to give all of my stuff to.
Probably gorillas.
Okay, Frankie, just calm down.
Okay, you haven't slept or eaten in God knows how long.
Let's make a deal. Get some rest.
Take your medication and then come and join me for dinner
so we can get some food in you.
Food? Sleep? What next?
Hats made of gold? Gold made of toilets?
- [Grace chuckles] - I... Okay, I...
I am a little tired. - [chuckles]
[baby babbling over radio]
And I don't want one of those new age weddings
- where one of your friends has dreads... - [Goldie laughs] No way!
and a guitar marrying you.
Rabbi Sun Bear doesn't have dreads.
[sighs] Oh, Jesus.
We don't have to talk about our wedding.
We can talk about anything else.
North Korea.
Don't get him started on North Korea.
Let's talk about your bachelor party. Huh?
You know, you should get Evan to plan it.
What are you thinking, Vegas?
Actually, we're going to build houses in El Centro with Habitat.
- Oh. - You're going to Vegas.
Now Evan's firm, they got a ton of connections there.
He's friends with Criss Angel. They vacation together.
Dad, I think a little bit of charity
mixed with a little bit of male bonding could be a fun idea.
Yes.
Coming from the girl who played Barbie Hospice.
[chuckles] I was helping those beautiful ladies die with dignity.
- Hey, how about this brunch, huh? - Oh.
- Goldie, are you enjoying your quiche? - Oh, it's a bit too hot.
- Damn it. - Well, okay, guys. Drive safe.
[chuckles] What?
Yeah.
But we just got here.
You don't have time for your old dad?
You know, Evan has time for us. Calls every week.
Of course, the only time we hear from Allison is when she's a new syndrome.
Maybe we should ease up on the Allison-Evan comparisons.
I'm not making any comparisons.
I'm just saying, I mean, Evan's a strong, hearty boy,
and Allison has something called "wandering pancreas."
At least Allison's pancreas can wander wherever it wants.
- Bud... - [Goldie] Uh, sweetie?
- Stop scratching. Stop it. - Oh, I'm fine.
- It's just itchy in here. - You know who's never itchy?
Is it Evan? Is Evan never itchy?
Does Criss Angel zap his itches away or whatever the fuck they do together?
I don't know what happens on vacation. Evan is famously discreet.
I do know they don't pack an entire suitcase of allergy cream.
I need that.
You know why you don't know what happens on his vacations?
Because he's been on a two-year vacation in prison for embezzling!
[chuckling]
[whimpers]
How about that North Korea, huh?
Hmm? Kim Jong-un. Right?
Okay?
[door closes]
Oh, you know they charge you when you take those things.
That's why I took yours.
You're gonna be seeing a lot of burlap from now on, sister.
I'm getting back to what I used to be:
raw, uncompromising, dangerous.
Proto-Frankie.
Also, I'm going to bathe less.
- Less? - Less.
Okay, well... [clears throat] I'm making one of your favorites:
quesadillas stuffed with quesadillas.
Oh, no can do, hermana.
I'm off cheese. Cold turkey.
Off turkey, too. Cold cheese.
So, you'll throw out all the turkey and cheese on your dashboard?
Yes, because Proto-Frankie is, above all else, authentic.
I'm finally going to be the vegan I've claimed to be for years.
Okay, let's see. What day is it? The 18th.
I give it... 30 minutes.
Scoff all you want, but I'm serious.
Argh. Okay. We'll order in.
Do me a favor. Put these on the table, will you?
The least we can do is have a little ambiance while we eat from Styrofoam.
No problemo.
What the hell are you doing?
Vegan, Grace.
Every time you burn a candle, you are inconveniencing bees.
- [knock on door] - You are a lot today.
What are you doing here?
I was in the neighborhood with my old business school buddy, Joe.
- I'm his old business school buddy, Joe. - Hi, Joe.
And I wanted him to meet you, and I think he'll get a real hoot out of Frankie.
Yeah.
But, you see, she's obsessed with this guy who's made her go all Weather Underground.
She is in no mood for two white men who went to business school.
I'm hearing you, but I promise Frankie is gonna love Joe.
He's handsome, annoyingly leftist, and has done acid with Todd Rundgren.
[Joe] It's true. We were on a plane.
It was not a good time.
Well, that is her type. [chuckles]
- So let's introduce these two. - Why are you so eager?
- Is this some kind of setup? - She's hung up on this guy you hate.
So maybe Joe can take her mind off him.
[inhales]
Maybe. [sighs]
Anhalten?
Anhalten.
Please anhalten.
Carl...
Anhalten.
[sighs]
[Oliver] No!
[scoffs]
[Sol] There you go.
I am looking directly at you!
[Frankie slurps] Mmm.
- [Joe] Mmm. - [Frankie] Mmm.
Don't you think you should eat that gray stuff with a fork?
[whispers] We've got company.
This is how you eat mutabal in Afghanistan, Nancy Reagan.
Very authentic.
- Joe's been to Afghanistan. - Mmm. Not by choice.
I do like Afghan food though, and, um, you really know your stuff.
Don't try to butter me up, guy. I'm on a totally different trip:
ashram, Proto-Frankie, life changings.
- You dig? - I very dig.
Back in '94, I lived with a Russian guru in the Mongolian steppe
exposing myself to bitter cold for hours on end doing breath work.
It changed my life.
Are you talking about Gregor Greshnev,
author of Lungs of Ice, Heart Also of Ice?
Yes, I am, indeed.
I can still hold my breath under freezing cold water
for seven and a half minutes.
- I bet you can. I bet you can. - [Joe chuckles]
Could someone pass the pink thing that looks like a wool sock?
Frankie, Joe also once did acid with Todd Rundgren.
Oh, tell me everything.
Only if you tell me
about these beautiful hands of yours. - [chuckles]
Well, they're painter's hands.
I bet they are.
- I bet they are. - [Frankie laughs]
[Frankie and Joe laugh]
- Cool if I go make myself a sandwich? - Yeah, knock yourself out.
[sighs]
Your eyes are very clear. That's good.
Thank you. I watch a lot of Showtime.
[laughs]
You're a riot! [chuckles]
You are a riot.
- [inhales] Now push against my hands. - I thought you'd never ask.
[both laugh]
Oh, good. Strong wrists.
[Frankie sighs]
- [spoon clatters] - I'll be right back.
Don't eat all the barf without me.
- Joe is your doctor, isn't he? - Yep.
God. And he's giving Frankie a secret exam.
Yep.
So you lied to me.
Yep. But it was a good kind of lie,
like when you tell a kid they can be anything.
You were so upset about Frankie's tremor. I was just trying to help.
It's not helpful to go behind my back.
I had a whole marriage of that. I don't want it with you.
Of course, I'm sorry.
For what it's worth... I'm still straight.
Also, I would like you to check with me
before you do something duplicitous to manipulate Frankie,
'cause that's my thing.
God... we're perfect for each other.
Could you hand me the rice?
I like a woman with a strong appetite.
Is that how you'd describe your appetite, strong?
My appetite is notoriously robust.
[Joe] Oh.
Come on, fella. You gonna feed me or tease me?
Anticipation is half the fun.
I haven't found that to be true.
Good grip. There you go.
I have to remember I'm in a relationship now.
It's not just my schemes, it's our schemes.
You had me at "schemes."
I know what's going on here.
- What? No, we didn't. - Just a sandwich.
You're trying to set me up with Joe.
Uh...
Caught us. Or him, rather.
Guilty as charged.
Nick, I'm very flattered, but I just had a guy rock my world.
And I know I'm usually into super handsy dudes,
but Joe has got to work on his flirt game.
I felt like I was getting an examination.
- Well, that's weird. - Nutty.
[inhales]
Oh, my God.
That guy's a doctor!
No. Grace!
[scoffs] You're not as cute as you think you are.
- Is it because my hand was dancing? - It's a tremor!
And you've got to get it checked out.
Unbelievable. You are unbelievable!
Oh, no! You're unbelievable!
You have to be tricked into giving a shit about yourself.
You don't even realize what you just did to me.
- I was taking care of you! - You did exactly what the kids did to us!
Yeah, I'm starting to get where they were coming from
because you are impossible.
She's just worried about you, Kooky.
Well, let me absolve her.
I am not your problem.
If only that were true.
Oh, it is true, starting right now.
[door slams]
I just don't know if I have it in me to yell at poor Carl for being a dog.
I know he's man's greatest creation,
but do we really have the right to play God with these creatures?
I mean, they used to be wolves, for crying out loud.
[snorts]
- [sighs] - [whispers] Robert!
Sorry, dear. [chuckles]
Did I drift off?
- No, you were dead! - Not this again...
You are wearing that sleep apnea machine.
I'm not wearing that machine, Sol,
and I'll thank you not to tell my business to Oliver.
I can't keep worrying that every time you sleep, you won't wake up.
- Do you wanna die? - A little bit right now.
- Not funny! - I don't wanna talk about this anymore.
I am not wearing that horrible machine
that makes me feel even older than I already feel
thanks to Oliver and his youthful exuberance, okay?
[yells] Anhalten!
For the 900th time, I'm sorry I told your dad about Evan.
For the 900th time, I don't wanna talk about it.
- I was just trying to protect you. - From what? My family?
Yes! He was being awful to you.
He was comparing you unfavorably to an embezzler.
So what? You did the one thing I asked you not to do.
You don't think your family has weird rules?
We've been pretending your mother's vegan for years.
That's harmless! You were scratching yourself.
- I can see the rash on your skin. - Those are normal dad hives.
That's not normal. And if I see somebody treating you like that,
I'll always step in and expose family secrets.
Next, your mom's bathroom drinking.
- Wouldn't you drink if you lived with him? - Yes!
Look, I'm sorry.
I know I shouldn't have done it,
but do you understand why I did?
I understand that I'm not itching anymore.
And I guess it was kind of sexy when you stood up for me.
Mmm.
A little sexy or a lot sexy?
As sexy as my dad thinks Evan is.
Hmm-mm. [groans]
- Oh, God. Well, that was a disaster. - Oh, I don't know. I had fun.
My sandwich was good. Joe is looking well, and Frankie was reliably nuts.
- [stammers] You do realize... - Yes, Grace. I do.
You and Frankie are a package deal, and I'm cool with that.
She's got great weed and loves Goonies.
Nick, I'm serious.
So am I.
[inhales] I don't exactly know how this little threesome is gonna go forward,
but I'm game...
to try and figure it out.
I'd better go apologize to her.
I'll go with you.
Frankie?
Where is she?
I have a pretty good guess.
[Aimee Mann's "Momentum" playing]
[sighs] Oh, boy.
♪ Oh, for the sake of momentum ♪
♪ I've allowed my fears to get Larger than life ♪
♪ And it's brought me To my current agendum ♪
♪ Whereupon I deny fulfillment Has yet to arrive ♪
♪ And I know life is getting shorter ♪
♪ I can't bring myself to set the scene ♪
♪ Even when it's approaching torture ♪
♪ I've got my routine ♪
♪ Oh, for the sake of momentum ♪
Even though I agree with that stuff About seizing the day ♪
♪ But I hate to think of effort expended ♪
♪ All those minutes and days and hours I have frittered away ♪
[woman] Okay, good night.