[theme music playing]
♪ Well, I don't know why I came here tonight ♪
♪ Got the feeling That something ain't right ♪
♪ I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair ♪
♪ And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs ♪
♪ And there's clowns to the left of me ♪
♪ Jokers to the right ♪
♪ Here I am stuck in the middle with you ♪
♪ Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
I don't see Arlene.
Oh, there she is, by the fern. Arlene!
Oh, God. Frankie, it's an oil painting of Barack Obama.
I am begging you to find your glasses.
I know where they are.
I just need a snorkel.
With a long tube.
Oh-- J-M?
What are you doing here?
Well, why wouldn't I be here?
Best free food in town.
Yeah, it's free because you're stealing it.
So are you here because of the...?
You know.
No, we don't know.
Oh, ladies.
I have unsettling news.
[whispering] Arlene is missing.
What? Arlene is missing? What do you mean--?
[in normal voice] Oh, Grace, you bawdy slut.
What an hysterical disgusting story.
Don't blow our cover. Smile.
Act natural, like you would if nothing were wrong.
I'm on it.
I just saw Arlene in the can.
Joan-Margaret, just tell us what's happening.
All right.
Arlene has been MIA for hours now.
Nobody knows where she's gone.
Not her mahjong girls.
Not that nosy load Marie.
Nobody.
Frankly, I'm starting to worry.
What are we doing sitting here? We've got to find her.
Yeah, no. No.
What we need to do is call the police, that's what we need to do.
I mean, she could be anywhere.
She could be lost, confused.
Shh.
No. No cops.
If Walden Villas gets wind of her disappearance,
especially if she's brought back by the police, well, they're gonna...
Send her to the third floor.
-That's memory care, right? -[J-M] Exactly.
Once you go in there, girls, you don't come out.
Yeah, I know.
I know she's not ready for the third floor.
But what if something's really wrong?
[Frankie] I know we can find her.
We have to try.
Oh, please, Grace.
All right, okay. I'll give you till dinner.
But at the crack of 4:00, I am calling the police.
I only need a half hour.
I know exactly where to go.
[Grace] A psychic?
You have got to be kidding me.
♪ Push comes to shove ♪
♪ All that matters is love ♪
♪ Me loving you ♪
♪ You loving me too ♪
Oh, Coyote.
I feel like the most special girl in the world.
Babe...
I've been through enough in my time to know when I've got something good.
And I'm wholly uninterested in a life without you.
Will you spend the rest of yours with me?
Yes.
Yes, a thousand times, yes.
Is--? Wait, is this really happening?
Oh!
That's great.
You were more emotional with Coyote than you were with me.
He wrote a song, Bud.
You used a hairless cat.
So where are you gonna propose?
Well, Mom and Grace said that I could use the beach house.
And I'm making her favorite meal.
-I've ordered some engagement balloons. -I love balloons.
Yeah. And I bought some very expensive champagne for her,
and some very sparkling Martinelli's for me.
You know, I have a special little black box of my own.
What's in it?
Oh, just my severed foreskin from my penis.
Why the fuck do you have that?
Because I've run out of excuses, so today, I'm going to Dad's
and I'm gonna bury my foreskin in the Jewish tradition.
Oh, right. To grow a tree.
No, it's-- You bury it under a tree so your body can return to the earth.
It shows respect for God and God's creation.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure it grows a tree.
I thought you were going to your dad's to meet that client.
First, I'm glad-handing a divorce addict,
then we're burying my extra parts in the ground.
Ladies and gentlemen, my Saturday.
Honey, you're always committing
to things that you don't wanna do, especially with your family.
Because I'm a good son, and being a good son is participating
in an unending parade of bullshit with a smile on your face.
And your dick in a box.
We should be out looking for Arlene,
not wasting our time on some nut with a crystal ball.
You'd do well to listen, Grace.
The woman is uncanny, never been wrong.
She predicted that time I drove into the lake.
Which time?
She also said that I was going to have a life-changing experience in the wilds.
One week later, boom, I met Barry Manilow at the zoo.
Yet she couldn't predict you were gonna knock him into the gorilla enclosure.
He was fine once Lulu let him go.
Once, she said something so crazy I stopped seeing her for a while.
And then that turned out to be true.
Yeah? What was that?
That you and I would be friends.
Oh.
And here we are, best friends.
Me...
and you.
[Grace chuckles]
[Grace] I love how I'm Death,
and yet you're the lady that constantly puts metal in the microwave.
-[door closes] -Mm.
Hello, witches.
Oh, Elsbeth.
What's up with the monkey suit?
Oh, yes. I apologize.
-It's for my other work. -That would be?
I'm a judge.
Of the law?
We need to find our friend. She went missing. We don't know--
Silence. I'm getting a vision.
[ominous music playing]
A long journey is imminent.
Perilous.
Blinding sun, bag of secrets.
Two men. Great success.
Follow the rainbow.
Oh. That was fucking lit.
[scoffs] No, that was grounds for involuntary commitment.
If we only knew a judge.
Look, we have a friend who's missing. We have to get going.
Arlene?
She's at the Del Taco on 3rd Street.
I know that one. It's right by the lake.
I'll drive.
You know what I like most about mini tuna melts?
They're nature's most powerful aphrodisiac?
Bingo.
Let's go make out on the beach.
Uh, actually, um, before we go,
uh, I was hoping I could play you a song that I wrote.
Oh.
For you.
-I wrote it. It's special for you. -Ah.
It's-- It's called "Annie."
Not "Jessica"?
Super hard to rhyme.
And The Allman Brothers beat me to it.
-So just imagine you're Annie. -Oh.
-Okay, I'm there. Let me have it. -All right.
-Nervous. -[both laugh]
Oh, hey, kids.
Hey, Nick. I thought you were spending the day upstairs.
I'll be out of your hair in a second.
My Klonopin wore off because it's basically baby aspirin.
I'm just here to get some Sleepytime tea.
[Coyote] Well, you got it. Um...
-Enjoy. -Yeah.
You'll knock that thing back by yourself there?
Yeah, you don't get a lot of top-shelf booze behind bars.
[Jessica] Oh, that's right.
I am so sorry.
How are you holding up?
It's a little lonely these days.
Anyhoo, looks like you two have a real romantic little Saturday planned here.
I'll head back to my quarters.
Thanks for understanding.
[Jessica] Nick, wait.
Wait. Are you hungry?
We have so much food, and you really shouldn't be alone today.
I really don't want to intrude. Are those mini tuna melts?
[Jessica] Yeah.
Thanks, guys.
Of course. It's our pleasure.
Isn't it?
You know, we really shouldn't bother him.
You know, ol' Nick here, he's got a lot to process.
And men, in general, are upstairs creatures.
I'm sure he'd rather grab his booze, lock himself in his room,
sharpen his toothbrush, and curl up into a fetal position.
Am I right, bro?
Oh, I already did that.
To be honest, the company is really nice.
Good, we're happy to have you.
Mm.
Thanks. It means a lot.
Do you have any that are hot?
Okay, Peter, once again, I apologize.
But understand, I only said what I said about the watch
because we thought that Stevie had robbed us.
Uh-huh.
Well, that's hurtful.
You're not gonna believe this, but Peter is still a bit miffed
about me falsely accusing his boyfriend of grand theft.
Yes. In retrospect, that was a misstep.
He said I was too short to play Sky Masterson.
That's the thing you're most sensitive about.
There'll be time to eat about that later.
Now we need to brief you about The Whale.
-Whale, ho! -Whale, ho!
Whale, ho?
[both] Whale, ho!
-Stop before I harpoon you both. -Okay.
The guy you need to woo is Tim Applerod.
He's fabulously wealthy due to his chain of predatory lending institutions
and early investment in something called Porn Depot.
I am familiar with his TED Talk.
So he has been very happily married to a lovely lady for the last ten years.
Oh, that's nice.
She just turned 40.
So we're back in.
Sounds like a great guy.
He's one of the worst people I have ever met.
Let's just say that Tim's manner is unrefined.
[Sol] Yes, well put, Robert.
I would go so far as to say he's a total pig.
He's bound to say some horrible, horrible things.
-Particularly about his ex-wives. -[Robert] Not a big fan of women.
He doesn't trust them because, quote, "Their bodies are in synch with the moon."
I wish I could give birth.
This is going to be hard for you as it is for me,
but just smile and nod and laugh,
and he'll be paying your bills for decades.
Going along pleasantly with a bunch of stuff I'm uncomfortable with?
That's my brand.
Oh, this is such a waste of time.
-There is no chance that we-- -Arlene!
No fucking way.
Did you put mescaline in my cereal again?
What are you ladies doing here?
What are you doing here, honey?
We've been on a mission to find you. Worried sick. Absolutely sick.
May I?
Yeah, we had a breakfast date today.
Remember? At Walden Villas?
Oh, yes.
Yes, it's Saturday.
Yes, I do remember that.
Of course.
We went to meet you, but Joan-Margaret said that you'd gone missing.
Why did you leave?
Well, I...
I don't know.
I can't remember why I left.
Because you love Del Taco.
Everyone loves Del Taco.
It's good for the bones.
That's it.
I was headed to Mexico.
I must have seen the Del Taco sign and thought I was there.
Sounds like a Frankie Saturday.
Well, anyway, this has been a lovely lunch.
Happy birthday, Grace.
I must be on my way.
[Frankie] Hold up.
Why are you going to Mexico?
-For drugs. -[Frankie] Great.
We're fresh out of mescaline.
Oh, no, nothing like that.
I'm going to get more Bonida for my osteoporosis.
In Mexico?
Well, my insurance stopped covering it, and it's cheaper there.
You should have come to me. I could have saved you the trip.
I would be happy to pay for your Bonida.
It's over $300 a month.
Grace would be happy to pay for your Bonida.
That's how I bought Joan-Margaret her Rollerblades.
Well, I wouldn't accept it from you anyway.
Plus, it's not that big of a deal. People do it all the time.
Yeah, sweetheart, I promise we're gonna figure something out.
I promise.
But right now we have to get you to Walden Villas.
Before they find out that you blew the coop.
And put me on the third floor?
That's right. But it's not time for that now.
Let's get you home, Arlene.
Everything will be okay. We'll work it out.
If-- If you say so.
I don't know when it all went to shit.
I was a happily-married, handsome billionaire.
Now I'm just a schmuck.
You're still a handsome billionaire.
Yeah, I guess.
These are all good things to think about upstairs.
Coyote, a word?
Oh. Okay.
[clears throat] Hey. What is up with you?
Nothing. I just--
I kind of had a day planned.
A plan that didn't include an extra from a Greek funeral.
Babe, this man is clearly in crisis.
You should know what that's like. We should be helping him.
Yeah, but I-- I--
We can have a romantic day any time.
Right now this person needs you.
Show him the wonderful man I'm in love with.
Fine.
I'll be wonderful.
All right, Nick, let's workshop this.
I know a little bit about navigating trauma.
Oh, right, 'cause you're a sad guy.
Yes. Very good.
What do you know about the fear of dying alone after losing your soulmate?
Hey, good news.
We all die alone.
Also, there's no such thing as soulmates.
What's next?
I think that helps.
Hold on a second there, guy.
-You don't believe in soulmates? -Not really.
So we're not soulmates?
Honestly, you know, I'm not even sure I know what that means.
All I know is that we're in love because we choose to be.
Well, what's to stop you from just choosing to love someone else?
Nothing. That's the whole point of commitment.
Why are we fighting?
Because of the things you are saying.
All I'm saying is, I choose to love you.
And I'm saying, I hate that.
I think we're meant to be together.
I think something bigger brought us together.
Oh, like magic?
-[Jessica] If you wanna call it that. -That's crazy.
You did not just fucking call me crazy.
Hey, I think maybe we should--
-Shut up. -Jesus, Nick.
-Loud and clear. -[Jessica] You know what?
I think that's enough for me today.
Nick, sorry about your life. Good luck.
-You can take a Lyft home. -Wait, no. Jessica, no, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait. Let's talk about this.
-[doorbell rings] -Je--
Hey, sorry I'm late.
I got a little sidetracked, getting high.
Oh, uh, congratulations on your pending nuptials.
No. No, no, no.
Not like this.
Shit.
Dude, I had no idea.
You should have told me to go upstairs.
Okay, we still have 12 minutes to get you back
before they make the room rounds for the dinner announcement.
I'm not worried. Even if we don't get back.
I don't know, maybe they should put me on the third floor.
I'm not sure I quite care.
You don't mean that.
It was just a little hiccup.
Yeah. So you forgot you were going to Mexico, so what?
I have to be reminded constantly that I was an extra in Cannonball Run.
You were not in Cannonball Run.
Oh!
Don't you worry about that old Bonida. We're gonna sort it out.
We're in this with you.
It's different for you, girls.
My whole life seems to have become about people overprotecting me.
And when they're not doing that, they're overcharging me.
And for something I really need just to get up and start the day.
So it doesn't really matter if you get me back in 12 minutes or not.
Send me to the memory ward.
I want to forget all this.
Arlene...
we are gonna go to Mexico and get you what you need.
Not just what you need, what you deserve.
-Yeah, because fuck them. -Super fuck them.
Now we're gonna get you back,
eat some of that crap food and have a couple of drinks,
and start to plan this damn thing.
Where are we going again?
Long story short, it took me three wives to learn a very important lesson.
Don't marry a Catholic.
When they get knocked up, they stay knocked up.
That's so funny, that repulsive thing you just said.
Hey, a toast.
Bud, it's goddamn great to meet you.
Here's to our wives and our girlfriends. May they never meet.
Totally. It'd be awful if they met. They'd be so hurt.
Very hilarious.
I knew you two would get along.
So, Tim, why don't we talk about the current divorce
since Bud will be handling it?
Yes. Walk us through what happened. All the pertinents.
[Tim] What happened?
God pilfered a rib from that good ol' boy Adam
and made himself a goddamn sorceress.
Uh-huh. Yes. But I meant with this divorce.
Because Bud is an expert in asset protection, you know.
Why don't we talk about what you'd like out of your divorce?
Cards on the table?
I'd like the money for Claire's tits back.
[Tim chuckles]
Sorry, fellas.
You know, pal,
I already have a complex relationship with the way I make money,
and I certainly don't need your horrible bullshit thrown into the mix.
Oh, Jesus, look, I was just-- Calm down, I was just joking around.
Well, I don't think it's funny.
I think you're a terrible person,
and I think you should get the fuck out of here.
With pleasure.
And give me Claire's number, because her I'd like to represent.
-I blacked out. What happened? -[door closes]
Arlene, tell us everything we need to know to get this Bonida.
Yeah, you know, fake identities, nitrous boosters for the LEAF.
A real Cannonball Run.
-I swear to God, Frankie... -No, no, no, girls.
Nothing like that.
There's a nice man I go to.
Yes or no on the nitrous?
I'm on hold with the guy.
Just go to the pharmacy, talk to Dr. Ramirez.
He'll give you everything you need.
He knows we're coming? He knows we're friends of yours?
No. But when you arrive, you'll hand him these.
What is that, maps of underground tunnels?
Codes to a heavily guarded safe?
Are you two watching A-Team again?
It's my prescription.
And a letter to Dr. Ramirez.
-Sorry to interrupt, ladies. -Whoo!
But I couldn't help overhearing a bit of your Bonida plan.
And?
[Frank] And my bones are on their last legs.
Especially my leg bones. I want in.
As sorry as I am about that, and whatever is going on with your breath,
there's nothing we can do.
I fear his insides are becoming his outsides.
Tell you what, Frank, I'll take your Bonida order, hook you up.
But you must promise to step back when you talk to people.
Deal.
Okay, why don't you each tell me how you're feeling?
Mad.
Full of tuna.
Astonished that a theatrically sad billionaire ruined my proposal.
[Nick] That's understandable.
Guys, I am so sorry I put a damper on your day with my self-pitying bullshit.
Hey.
How about I buy you a football team or something?
It's really not your fault.
Um, yeah. Yeah, it is.
I mean, you and I had a real argument. That happened.
I know. How about--? What if we--?
What if we pretend that it didn't?
I don't know if I can.
If we can't agree on what love is, maybe we don't want the same thing.
How about I take back everything I said and agree with you completely?
[Nick] I think you're both right.
Something mystical and magical allowed you to find each other.
And I think you're gonna make it,
because I know you have the strength to choose to love each other every day,
even when it's hard.
How do you know?
I know.
Love is a mix of magic and daily commitment.
I had the magic with Grace.
But she chose not to love me anymore.
You two are lucky.
You have both.
Hey.
How about that song?
Yeah.
Yeah, you got it.
"Annie."
[exhales sharply]
I'm sorry, Dad. I just couldn't take it.
That guy...
What are you apologizing for?
I was proud of what you did.
So proud.
It's something I've been wanting to do, something I should have done years ago.
Yeah?
This is your firm, Bud.
You should run it the way you want to run it.
Right. Right.
My firm.
Hey.
Can I ask you something?
When you said you had a complicated relationship
-with the way you make a living... -Yeah?
Do you want to be a divorce lawyer?
Whoa.
You know, I gave you the firm because I thought you wanted it.
And because I knew you'd be great at it.
But I hope you're not doing this for me.
Do you want it?
I really don't know, Dad.
I-- I mean, I know that I wanted to make you happy.
I just--
Buddy boy, it's every father's dream
that his son feels freer than he did.
You make me happy no matter what.
Thanks.
I think I needed to hear that.
I feel all this pressure, you know?
I know you do.
Do me a favor.
Let that go.
Just be good to yourself.
In the interest of letting it go,
I really don't want to do a whole ceremony dedicated to the burial of my foreskin.
You should have said something.
I was really just doing it for you,
because you were always the most observant.
I was always observant because I thought that's what you wanted me to be.
Let it go, man.
I'm trying.
So, what do we do with this?
Toss it?
♪ It's really uncanny ♪
♪ How much I love my Annie ♪
I love you.
I love you too.
Okay.
Jessica...
will you marry me?
Oh, drat.
[screams]
The song was good though.
Frankie, if we don't leave now, traffic is gonna be hell at the border.
All right, two freshly charged crystals.
Oh. My go-bag is complete in case things go tits-up in Mexico.
What the hell is all this?
Um, what do you think it is?
A shitload of Bonida prescription slips.
You nailed it. Don't worry about it.
Last you said that you came home with a pierced belly button.
That was an accident.
Well, you're about to have another one.
Look, I went back to Walden Villas.
I figured if Arlene and Frank needed it, then more people needed it too.
You can't tell by looking at them,
but weak bones is a serious problem in the senior community.
Getting arrested is a serious problem with me.
You do realize getting this much Bonida is officially drug smuggling.
It may be drug smuggling, but it's a righteous smuggle.
Look, my whole life has led to this.
I'm finally living up to my bumper sticker:
"No Fear, Be a Champion."
We're only going if you leave the duffel at home.
[groans]
-Uh... -No, as a consolation prize,
I'll get you some Pulparindo from the gas station.
Mm...
I've made up my mind.
But let's do that when I get back.
Frankie, I understand why you'd do this for Arlene,
but why risk so much for everybody else?
Look, I know that you would do anything for me, and back at you.
But what about the ones who don't have a you?
Well, I'm sure they have someone.
Right now, they've got me.
Uh, I'll see you on the other side.
Ooh.
Toodles.
[grunts]
You can't get out of your driveway without me.
How are you gonna get to Mexico?
Oh, hell to the yeah.
Whoo, whoo!
Here, you're in charge of the car pickles.
I regret this already.
Hand me a pickle. I like the ones at the bottom.
["Risk It" playing]
♪ Ah, that risk's exhilarating ♪
♪ Nail-biting, intoxicating ♪
♪ You say dive in ♪
♪ And take a chance ♪
♪ I can't control ♪
♪ Each circumstance ♪
♪ But I'm hedging my bets ♪
♪ I'm avoiding missteps ♪
♪ But sometimes I forget ♪
♪ That I've gotta risk it ♪
♪ I've gotta risk it ♪
♪ I've gotta risk... ♪