This is insane.
This is the farthest thing from insane.
We're doing something good for all the folks back home who need us.
We're the Bonida Bandidas.
We are not the Bonida Bandidas.
We have to be extremely careful.
I don't wanna end up in a Mexican jail.
I promise that won't happen.
I used to do this all the time back in the '70s.
Of course, I was smuggling other drugs in hard fruits,
but the same basic principle applies.
In a pinch, your safest hiding spot is your holes.
Well, Frankie, not all of us are blessed with cavernous orifices.
You'll get there.
Speaking of orifices, let me do the talking.
You?
Last I checked, I'm the only one who hablas the español.
For the last time, you do not speak Spanish.
Save what you've picked up from telenovelas.
For your information, Corazones Mentirosos is an educational telenovela.
It's about a former call girl named Valentina
who escapes the cartel and joins a convent,
and it is muy hot as shit.
Well, we will follow your lead
when we need to untangle egg beaters from a human's hair.
But there is too much at stake here.
I hear you, Grace.
That's why I'm gonna make a phone call to my contact, Psycho.
Don't look him in the eye, and don't call him Psycho.
No! No call.
No Psycho.
In fact, I'm gonna keep your phone and your passport.
I know how you like to lose these things.
Why is Arlene's letter to Dr. Ramirez ripped and re-taped?
Damn post office.
You read this.
In my defense, I read everyone's mail.
Well, what does it say?
Grace, that's a private letter between Arlene and Dr. Ramirez and myself.
Shame on you.
All I will say is,
they're having an affair, she's breaking up with him,
probably because of her brain.
I didn't know she was having an affair. Now she's breaking up with him?
Tell me everything.
No can do. We're here.
What?
When did we cross the border?
I didn't think it was that easy.
Getting into Mexico is easy.
The hard part is getting back with a keister full of drugs.
Bravissimo!
That was perfect, Robert.
Worth keeping me up all night to memorize.
Come on, Sol.
You always wanted to be a mobster's gun moll.
The only way that'll happen
is if Peter accepts my apology and gives me back my part.
And you think he'll show?
I have a 25-year-old Scotch.
He'll show.
Besides, he won't be able to resist the apology of a lifetime.
In fact, I wouldn't be shocked if he filmed it.
Robert, you left the oven on.
-No, I didn't. -You did.
You did the other day too.
Can you blame me if I'm a little scatterbrained?
I'm in the fight of my life to win back this role.
It's been pulling all my focus lately.
Okay. No need to get defensive.
Just making sure you're okay.
I assure you, Sol, I'm fine.
Besides, everyone our age has moments of forgetfulness.
Does everyone put their hats in the fridge?
Oh.
That explains the hoagie in my drawer.
No wonder your underwear smelled like salami.
I don't understand why I should have to do conflict resolution.
Probably because you've created a hostile work environment
with your violent ways.
Please.
If there's anyone people are afraid of being battered by, it's you.
And yet, you assaulted me.
You wanna go again?
I'll go loco on you.
Let me take off my hoops and I'll be right there.
-What?
The mediator is here.
So stop being weird and send him in.
Yeah, I'm just gonna send him right in.
That's what I just said.
Okay.
Uh, you can come in!
Brianna.
Mallory.
Who's ready for some conflict resolution?
I sure am.
Okay. We're not gonna mention the letter we didn't read
until after we get the Bonida.
In fact, let me do all the talking.
Got it.
But then, when the time is right, I talk a bunch.
Hola.
Grace, you are such a gringo.
You are both pregnant and I have betrayed you?
Damn it, Frankie.
Perhaps you would be more comfortable if we spoke in English.
Well, that would be fine.
We're here to see Dr. Ramirez.
I'm so sorry, Dr. Ramirez is not seeing anyone else today.
But we came all the way from America to see him.
You'll have to come back at another time.
In that case, would you kindly tell him Arlene needs to see him?
Uh, who is Arlene?
I am.
Dr. Ramirez and I are very close friends.
Grace, doesn't she have a lovely chestal area?
What kind of friends?
Like brother and sister.
Oh, no. Much, much closer.
Like conjoined twins who would never have sex with each other.
Stop it, Frankie!
Look, between you and me,
he and I are having a little thing.
Stop!
Just tell him Arlene is here.
Excuse me for one moment while I go tell my husband
that the end of our marriage has arrived.
Oh, God.
What part of...
...don't you understand?
If he doesn't show, this counts as your birthday party.
You just don't wanna build houses for the homeless.
Peter!
My favorite director!
My favorite sycophant!
Well...
time to go prostrate ourselves to Peter
and that talking penis he's dating.
That's the spirit.
I just wanted to say, from the bottom of both our hearts--
Hold it.
I wanna film this.
-Action.
We are truly sorry for what we said about the two of you.
We're not making excuses, but since we were robbed,
we've both been in a bit of a state of panic.
Accusing friends,
pushing each other in front of raccoons--
The point is, we weren't in our right minds.
And, of course, you would never steal from us.
So please accept our apology.
And I beg of you, Peter,
don't take it out on Robert.
Well...
that was certainly a clear and unequivocal admission of guilt,
wasn't it, Stevie?
Not super sure what you just said.
We accept your apology.
And as far as the play goes, you don't have to win me over.
Oh! Thank God.
Who wants Scotch?
It's Stevie you have to win over.
Excuse me?
I've made Stevie my new casting director.
Don't worry, Robert.
I'll keep an empty mind.
So my goal here
is to find a place where both parties feel resolved
and can continue a working relationship.
-Dan? -Yes. Mallory.
What the fuck are you doing here?
I also have that question.
I'm so glad you asked.
Um, I used to be kind of an angry guy
and I realized I had an issue
when I found myself in a senseless argument with a waiter.
And I ended up punching a slab of meat.
Are you kidding me?
Dude, we were there.
-That was a separate incident. -Oh, my.
But it was a blessing in disguise. It led me to my calling.
And when I heard there was a problem at Say Grace, I jumped at the chance.
But I must say, I'm kind of surprised to find you here, Mal.
Well, hold onto your hat, Mediator Dan,
because perfect little Mallory put me in a sleeper hold.
I understand. I used to deal with my issues with my fists too.
Life is funny...
isn't it?
You staring deep into her soul right now?
Okay.
Obviously we need to get a different mediator in here.
I assure you, I'll be fair.
And when I feel you've resolved this conflict,
I will tell Taneth as much.
Now...
who wants to try some fun exercises?
Do I have to move?
You don't get many husband-and-wife pharmacies.
Who are you?
Where is Arlene?
Well, I'm a friend of hers.
Why did you say you were her?
I was trying to get you to come out here.
We had no idea that was your wife.
I had some idea.
I need you both to leave.
Sorry, we can't leave until we get what we came for.
You are not satisfied enough having burned my entire world to ash?
Am I saying this right?
My English is not perfect.
You are...
completely fucking up my life, yes?
Yeah.
You nailed it.
Yeah, we need Bonida.
Lots of it.
And Frankie could use some Gas-X for the ride home.
Look, I know she's made a mess for you here
but there are people back home who will suffer without this drug.
Please don't punish them for Grace's ignorance.
I will give you the Bonida.
But I'm sure you will understand,
you can never come back here again.
Mrs. Ramirez, we are so sorry.
I'm not Arlene.
My name is Grace, and this is--
Jennifer Nightingale, for all your real estate needs.
Mrs. Ramirez, if it helps at all...
we know what it's like to be cheated on.
We do.
We're so sorry.
We're just here for the medication.
Then you will be interested to know that I have called Border Patrol.
They will be on the lookout for two old home-wreckers
smuggling drugs illegally across the border.
Have a nice day.
Oh, this?
It's just my Tappy Award.
I don't even remember why they gave it to me.
Didn't you win that for 1776, Robert?
That's right, Sol.
I guess everybody thought I was the best actor-singer in San Diego,
or whatever.
It's a shoe on a stick.
Now, Stevie, about this role, about Sky.
I don't know.
If you ask me, I'm going with the devil you know.
Whoever is your most talented, most accomplished actor, you know--
Whoa!
-Whoa. -Almost dropped my Tappy.
Okay.
I think I see what's going on here.
You want me to give you the role of Sky Masterson.
You figured it out, Stevie.
What a smart boy.
Look, I know how important this part is,
and I'm not about to gamble on someone who might not be capable of doing it.
Thank God.
Thank you, Stevie.
Which is why I'm casting myself in the role. Mm!
Mm.
Please remember,
the point of this exercise is not to win,
but to work together to have an equal number of wins and losses.
If you can refrain from competing against each other,
you both win.
-Got it? -Mm-hm.
Ready?
-Go! -Ow!
What the hell?
Okay.
I wasn't ready before.
-Are you ready now? -Yes.
Go.
Ow.
Why are you so strong?
-I have four kids and I do Pilates. -Wow.
Impressive, Mal. Good job.
Thought you said it wasn't a competition.
It isn't.
But Mallory clearly won.
Two tickets to the gun show, please.
Am I on whatever the modern version of Punk'd is?
Okay.
Let's try an exercise with a clearer goal.
This one is simple.
You both step inside the hula hoop
and work together to swing it around your bodies.
If you do not work as a team, you will fail.
Anyone ever told you your exercises are stupid?
Many times.
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
-Here we go. Okay. -Okay.
Just swing left.
Like this?
No. This way.
This is left.
No, my left.
It's the same left!
No, it is whatever left I say it is!
Okay, Brianna?
You're trying a little too hard to boss the situation.
Try being more of a team player.
Like Mallory.
Seriously? Gonna claim Mallory as the winner of this?
Again, there is no winner.
But if I had to pick, it would be Mallory.
Okay, this is some bullshit.
Clearly, he's just trying to curry favor so he can win you back.
Oh! Right.
Because it's impossible I could be better at anything than you, right?
God forbid I should excel at something based on my own merit.
No!
No, no, it couldn't be that.
It must be because he's in love with me.
Okay. Well, guess what, Brianna? He's not.
Hmm.
So here's the thing.
Um...
I've done a lot of, uh...
introspection.
And I really wanna make it work between us.
I say we give it one more try.
What do you say?
Take a minute.
Think it over. No problem.
-Thank you.
Okay, let's not panic.
Not panic?
How does a Mexican restaurant in Mexico only have tamales on Tuesday?
Quiet.
I need to think.
We have to lay low, maybe get a hotel room for a couple of days.
There must be a Four Seasons around here somewhere.
No.
You took the lead. Look where it got us.
In the same sexy mess as Valentina's twin cousin.
-I've got it. -Hola, señoras.
-Hola. -May I take your order?
I'd like seven al pastor tacos,
and I would like you to hold this bag of drugs for a couple of days.
What are you doing?
Simple. This dude holds the drugs while you and I cross the border legally.
And then one of us comes back to get it.
Got it?
He's gone.
Excuse me, what is going on here?
Oh, shit.
Hello.
Is there a limit on how much salsa one may take to go?
I don't want you soliciting my employees.
Tijuana Tony's is a family restaurant.
Well, your employees are narcs.
Could I just get a soup container for the salsa?
I'll be calling the police now.
Why does everyone keep calling the cops on us?
Fuck, Frankie, we gotta get out of here. Give me the bag.
I'm not giving you anything.
You get out of here.
What are you talking about?
I got you into this mess.
Besides, I can do a nickel standing on my head.
But those guards would pass you around like peanut brittle.
Frankie, we are in this together.
Not anymore.
This is something I've got to do on my own.
It was my idea.
Catch you in Los Estados Unidos, amiga.
Listen to me, Frankie.
When I got into that car with you, I wasn't planning to just go halfway.
If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be here
in the final scene of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.
That's right.
If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be here, doing something selfless.
You do benefit from my tutelage.
Damn straight.
Okay, now, the way I see it...
we have three options.
We can stay and let the police arrest us,
we can ditch the drugs, get home safely
and let Arlene and everybody else down.
Or...
we could go for it.
Are you serious?
Thousands of people cross that border every day.
Besides...
we have a secret weapon.
Our holes?
Us!
When we're together, we're unstoppable.
But they're on the lookout for two old ladies.
We are two old ladies.
No.
We are the Bonida Bandidas.
Bonida Bandidas!
We should go now, though.
Hey, Peter.
-Enjoying the party? -Mm-hm.
Cake is kind of dry.
That's great. Listen.
-You are ruining my freaking life. -I'm sorry?
You see your little porno repairman?
Apparently he's decided to make himself Sky Masterson.
He's using our home as his personal gym.
-Have you even heard him sing? -He made me sing last night.
If I were straight, I'd make you high-five me right now.
You are letting your judgment be completely clouded by lust.
Yes. Thank you.
See, Robert? Sol gets it.
Look, this isn't about me anymore.
That dunce cannot be Sky.
Robert, I hear you.
But I feel like you're not even considering Stevie's badonkadonk.
You are going to make the New Lear look bad.
Do you really wanna kill your community theater career
over a badonkadonk?
It's a classic Sophie's Choice.
But more relatable.
I may have a way we can salvage this.
How?
I invoke Prima Nocta!
-What? -Prima Nocta.
The ancient theater tradition of disputing a role through sing-off.
Is that--?
Are you doing Braveheart?
It's a theater tradition. Look it up.
Okay.
Okay, I made it up! Look, I deserve this role.
Give me a chance to prove myself and we'll let the crowd decide.
Prima Canticum!
Right of first song.
Fine, we can do your sing-off thingy.
But if I lose that badonkadonk...
God help you.
It's a sing-off!
All you need to do is apologize for the punch
and I'll sign whatever form this sad sack brought and we can move on.
Why would I apologize?
Because this whole thing began when you pulled my hair.
That is not where this all began.
Oh, right. It began when you stole my job.
I'm sorry, you mean the job you were offered first
but then turned down?
You knew Say Grace was my domain.
But in typical Mallory fashion, you had to butt in.
I'm surprised you didn't put up a dog fence to keep me out.
-What the hell are you talking about? -When we were kids.
You would have friends over,
you would keep me from playing with you with Jeffrey's old dog fence.
The only way I could get past
was by singing that stupid "Brianna Is Great" song.
Honestly, I got nothing.
How did it go?
Seriously?
You're fucking with me.
I am, yes.
-Is there any chance I could come inside?
I won't hit anything.
I won't hit on anyone.
No!
That?
That is how I felt my whole life.
You always kept me out.
I just wanted you to leave me and my friends alone.
They always ended up liking you better.
-Really? -Why couldn't you find your own friends?
I had my own friends.
But what I really wanted was to be with you.
I wanted to be on your side of the fence.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
I did block you out, and that must have felt shitty.
Thank you.
And I'm sorry that I punched you.
Now can we figure out a way to get on the same damn side?
Honestly?
I don't know.
What?
I thought we were good.
We are, it's just...
when Mom gave me the company--
Brianna, I get it.
-It's your company. -No. Mal, listen.
When she gave it to me,
she told me that I could never have someone else as a boss.
I had to be the boss.
I don't think this is gonna work.
What are you saying?
I'm saying
I think I should quit.
No. No. Don't be crazy.
We're gonna find a way to make this work. Just--
I don't think we can.
Mom was right.
I quit.
Is that really what you want?
It is.
I'll be fine. I've...
got Barry.
He's got thousands of dollars worth of action figures.
I think I need to find my next thing.
Hey.
If you're really gonna leave,
at least let me fire you so you can get severance and stuff.
Really?
Of course,
I will need you to sing the "Mallory Is Great" song first.
Good one.
Okay.
Brianna...
you're fired.
Thank you.
-Whoa!
Did I do it?
I fixed it?
All right. Gracias.
Um-- Hey, no pressure.
Everything's totally cool.
But could you maybe hang a uey and get us out of here?
You don't think that'll arouse even more suspicion?
Unless these two gals have Bonida,
we're going to jail.
-What?
Follow the rainbow!
Frankie, this is no time for a Skittles break.
No, you fool. That's "taste the rainbow."
The rainbow bumper sticker.
It's a sign! It's what Elsbeth predicted!
But what does it mean?
We're gonna switch cars.
Mix it up.
What?
The Border Patrol is on the lookout for two older women,
not two older couples.
Look at these two.
We'll look totally natural.
Can I interest you in some Skittles?
They're tropical.
What a lovely man-bag.
It's called a purse.
Yeah.
My name's Jennifer Nightingale, by the way.
Real estate is my game.
Apartments, condos, farms.
I sold a zoo once.
Anyways, you got any Skittles in here?
Skittles? No.
I'm an old man.
I'll just take a Werther's, then.
Amazing.
Not a hint of embarrassment or self-awareness.
I've never seen anything like it.
He's got an ass like a Summerset peach.
-Ha! -Yes!
That was excellent!
Bravo, Stevie!
Clap, you basics.
God.
-Jealous. You're all jealous.
Good work, Stevie.
I loved it.
You better kill it up there or we're screwed.
Got a secret weapon. I can sing.
I'm sorry.
Sorry, everyone.
Let's try that again, shall we?
You know what?
We just heard that song.
Isn't there another one you could do, Robert?
Of course.
You know "Summer Wind"?
This takes me back to the summer of '66.
Here you go.
Thank you very much.
Whoo!
-I'm just happy to be getting home. -Ah.
Well, now that we made it, time to be honest.
You ladies are smuggling drugs, aren't you?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, we are.
Funny! Us too.
-What? -Yup.
It's in the other car.
You mean, you're smuggling Bonida?
Well, sure.
-If Bonida is what you call six kilos of-- -Cocaine?
Jesus!
Why don't you just tell the whole world, Jennifer?
Oh, my God.
Fuck!