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[theme music playing]
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♪ Well, I don't know why
I came here tonight ♪
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♪ Got the feeling
That something ain't right ♪
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♪ I'm so scared
In case I fall off my chair ♪
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♪ And I'm wondering
How I'll get down the stairs ♪
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♪ And there's clowns to the left of me ♪
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♪ Jokers to the right ♪
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♪ Here I am stuck in the middle with you ♪
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♪ Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you ♪
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♪ Ooh ♪
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Is that a costume, or are you headed
to a mushroom hunt?
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Hold the sass, ma'am.
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I'm Frida Kahlo, I've had an epiphany
about my expiration date.
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Finally, you've realized it's bullshit.
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Blowing past.
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Do you know what "FOMO" is, Grace?
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"Fear Of Missing Out." Ha.
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Yeah, it's what the Millennials cry
when they miss the cool pool party.
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Whiny babies.
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Wrong.
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Seniors invented FOMO.
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We're the ones who need to worry
about missing out on the good stuff.
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But I found a FOMO hack.
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We know that I'm biting the big one
on August 27th.
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Why do you have a dentist
appointment on the 28th?
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That's the only time she can see me.
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[scoffs]
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The point is,
I have two-and-a-half months left.
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Hence, today is Halloween,
tomorrow New Year's, etcetera.
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So, Grace, I ask you,
are you ready to rumble?
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I'm ready to get off this fucking boat.
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Thank you. Put your back into it.
Thank you.
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-[grunts] Welcome ashore.
-You've got eyebrow on your teeth.
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I didn't know that Coyote
set a wedding date.
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Ah. I got them to commit to July,
thank God.
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I used to go geode hunting
with this woman who owns a llama ranch,
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so I was able to get us in
even though it's peak llama season.
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Only cost 50 geodes.
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It'll be my first wedding
at a petting zoo.
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What a sad, sad life you've had.
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-You can't move Election Day.
-That's what mail-in ballots are for.
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I took the liberty of filling yours out.
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You need to sign it. I did that too.
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-So who am I voting for?
-Oh.
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It took some convincing,
46
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but I finally got you to vote
for Monica Lopez.
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Ow! God, next time,
close it before you throw it.
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-Who's Monica Lopez?
-She's incredible.
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Thirty years ago,
she was a domestic worker
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and she got fired by this horrible family.
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On her long walk home,
she vowed to change her life.
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-And she did.
-She does look familiar.
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Who's the horrible family?
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They don't know that yet,
but Reddit is on it.
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What's keeping those trick-or-treaters?
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June.
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Monica who?
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Lopez.
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She's running for Congress.
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Sol has three
of her campaign signs out front.
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And one right over there.
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Well, let's see what Sol's
been blabbering on about.
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Ah. "The socks you wear with Birkenstocks
should be called Birkensocks."
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Oh, here.
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Monica Lopez.
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Yes, she has a dramatic story
about going to law school
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after a horrible family fired her.
I remember.
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I'm glad you've learned to take notes
for the unimportant file.
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How about that?
You can teach an old dog new tricks.
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Here's some news for you, old dog:
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-Mm?
-We're the horrible family.
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I'm thinking about taking
a stand-up comedy class.
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Oh, that's a good one.
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-Oh, you're serious.
-It's cool.
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I can take your heartless laughter
because as a comic, I have thick skin.
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And when did you become a comic exactly?
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When I won "best effort"
at the middle-school talent show.
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I got braces in middle school.
You don't see me bringing those back.
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I have seen you
trying to bring those back.
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-Oh, yeah.
-How about a little support?
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Of course. Of course.
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It's just such a weird choice for you.
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Do you think you're that funny?
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[scoffs]
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Just ask anyone
I've ever been in an elevator with.
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Okay, there's "held captive" funny,
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and then there's
"people who can leave" funny.
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I can be "people who can leave" funny.
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Oh, you don't believe me?
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I bet I can get laughs
off of Jessica's parents today.
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Ooh, a bet.
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Seems like a great addition
to your family thing
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I didn't want to go to
in the first place. Yes.
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Boy, that steroid cream makes you mean.
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Hey, everybody, listen up.
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We have some news.
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Unfortunately the llama ranch
was shut down.
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Turns out some of the llamas
were underage.
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What does this mean?
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It means we have to postpone
the wedding a bit.
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How--? Wait, wait. For how long?
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Until November 9th.
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Luckily they had an opening
at Potato Chip Rock.
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No, no, no.
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-Autumn will not work.
-[Jody] Oh, I disagree.
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November is great.
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Sufficient time
to give notice to all our guests.
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My cousin Debbie
is coming down from Manitoba.
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Fun fact about Manitoba:
they have a huge prairie skink population,
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which, as I say it out loud,
is a fact, but not that fun.
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Would Cousin Debbie
be interested in coming
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for a full-moon beach ceremony
in two weeks?
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-Two weeks?
-My dress won't be in yet.
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Shh. She'll offer to knit you one.
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I sure will.
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I've never heard of anyone
getting married on a potato chip before.
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What do we throw, sour cream and onions?
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Are you doing live theater?
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Because I hate live theater.
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Well, I think you'll make
a beautiful November groom.
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But he'd also be a beautiful July groom.
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-There's still the matter of Debbie.
-It's two whole weeks.
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What, is she traveling by coconut horse?
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Frankie, I appreciate the enthusiasm,
but the answer is no.
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What if I promised a private serenade
by Canadian legend Celine Dion?
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I challenge Cousin Debbie to miss that.
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Cousin Debbie is deaf.
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I feel like we're bending over
backwards for Cousin Debbie.
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Mom, drop it. Okay?
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Planning this wedding,
it's stressful enough.
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We're lucky we got a spot
at Potato Chip Rock.
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We hiked up there on our first date.
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It's perfect.
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It looks like you're standing
on a Pringle.
135
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But you're a Doritos man.
136
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Frankie, the kids should get married
on whatever snack food they want.
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Right.
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As long as it's before August 27th.
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The heat is on.
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Reddit is trying
to unmask the horrible family.
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00:07:37,291 --> 00:07:38,375
What's a Reddit?
142
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I'm told it's a group
of angry boys on the Internet.
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The story isn't true.
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We wouldn't fire someone
for unjust reasons.
145
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Exactly.
146
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We fired her for smoking
in the house. Remember?
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Our wall-to-wall carpeting
always reeked of cigarettes.
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Oh, my God.
149
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We had wall-to-wall carpeting?
150
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In our home?
151
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And she stole. Remember?
152
00:08:02,107 --> 00:08:06,278
I'd buy cookies, and boxes
would disappear by the shelf-full,
153
00:08:06,946 --> 00:08:09,573
and then you figured out
it must be her taking the cook...
154
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Oh, dear God. It was you?
155
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You ate the cookies?
156
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Of course I did.
157
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I was a repressed man
and I needed an eatlet.
158
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-A what?
-An eatlet.
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An outlet to eat my feelings.
160
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So you stole cookies from your children
and framed our housekeeper?
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You could have
at least given her a ride home.
162
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-They said she walked 10 miles.
-Well, I assumed she had a car.
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-Yeah.
-Jesus.
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We were horrible.
165
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But we're not the same people
we were then.
166
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I mean, I'm gay.
167
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What the hell does that mean?
168
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It means as a member
of a marginalized group,
169
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I understand
that Monica's injustice is my injustice.
170
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Oh, come on.
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The only injustice around here
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is you wiping out
the Keebler Elf population in one sitting.
173
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My point is, we've changed for the better.
174
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Yeah, but if the Reddit boys
figure this out,
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00:09:08,382 --> 00:09:10,801
we are going to be crucified.
176
00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:15,139
I don't want to be remembered as
somebody that terrorized a young woman.
177
00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:18,559
I want to be remembered
as the Bonida Bandida.
178
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Sure you do, honey.
179
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What about you? You want to be
remembered for your gay John Adams,
180
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or for your crimes against Monica?
181
00:09:25,482 --> 00:09:28,944
I wasn't playing him gay,
I was gay when I was playing him.
182
00:09:29,028 --> 00:09:30,279
But I see your point.
183
00:09:31,655 --> 00:09:35,284
Is there anybody that knows
our true identity and would talk?
184
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[gasps]
185
00:09:37,995 --> 00:09:40,039
Mallory and the other one.
186
00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:43,500
The other one
would give us up in a heartbeat.
187
00:09:43,584 --> 00:09:44,460
Yeah.
188
00:09:45,502 --> 00:09:46,378
Ooh.
189
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You're bombing.
190
00:09:49,715 --> 00:09:51,967
Usually there's an emcee
to warm up the crowd.
191
00:09:52,051 --> 00:09:55,471
All I had was Jody's endless story
about extreme couponing.
192
00:09:55,554 --> 00:09:57,514
She bought a boat with coupons.
193
00:09:57,598 --> 00:09:59,058
She's a freaking wizard.
194
00:09:59,141 --> 00:10:00,517
You think I don't know that?
195
00:10:01,060 --> 00:10:02,519
I can't follow a wizard.
196
00:10:08,233 --> 00:10:09,109
Frankie.
197
00:10:09,193 --> 00:10:10,903
What the hell are you doing?
198
00:10:11,612 --> 00:10:14,156
Seizing the day, what's it to you?
199
00:10:14,239 --> 00:10:17,910
I haven't seen you this pushy
since you broke someone's nose
200
00:10:17,993 --> 00:10:19,995
trying to get Vanilla Ice's autograph.
201
00:10:20,079 --> 00:10:22,748
And I was pretty bummed
when it turned out not to be him.
202
00:10:22,831 --> 00:10:26,085
So why are you trying
to shotgun this wedding?
203
00:10:27,419 --> 00:10:28,879
Because I'm dying.
204
00:10:34,635 --> 00:10:40,599
And that's when your mother fired her
and unknowingly birthed a movement.
205
00:10:40,683 --> 00:10:41,975
Thank you, Robert.
206
00:10:42,059 --> 00:10:45,062
-Holy shit.
-I can't believe this.
207
00:10:45,604 --> 00:10:49,316
You're the horrible woman
who fired Monica Lopez?
208
00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:52,403
We were the horrible family.
209
00:10:52,486 --> 00:10:54,321
We were just kids.
210
00:10:54,405 --> 00:10:57,074
Look, did we have blind spots? Yes.
211
00:10:57,491 --> 00:10:58,909
I mean, it was the '90s.
212
00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:00,160
But we've changed.
213
00:11:00,244 --> 00:11:02,204
Yeah, we had carpeting back then.
214
00:11:02,287 --> 00:11:06,083
If you treat people badly,
it will come back to haunt you.
215
00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:08,877
I've always known
I came from terrible people,
216
00:11:08,961 --> 00:11:11,130
but it would be so validating
if everyone knew.
217
00:11:11,213 --> 00:11:13,382
What about Monica's second-hand smoke?
218
00:11:13,465 --> 00:11:16,927
We had to think of you girls
inhaling it as you played, uh...
219
00:11:17,594 --> 00:11:20,055
Hearts and-- And beads and such.
220
00:11:20,139 --> 00:11:23,934
Brianna, you were the one
that screamed bloody murder for days
221
00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:25,686
when she shrunk your Barbie clothes.
222
00:11:25,769 --> 00:11:28,564
Now that I think of it,
that was the tipping point.
223
00:11:28,647 --> 00:11:30,274
The Beach Barbie clothes?
224
00:11:30,357 --> 00:11:34,570
And I specifically told her
to hang-dry the bikini.
225
00:11:35,821 --> 00:11:38,157
Oh, my God, I'm part of the problem.
226
00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:41,201
Mom, please tell me
you didn't accuse Monica of that.
227
00:11:41,285 --> 00:11:42,828
Who else would it have been?
228
00:11:43,787 --> 00:11:46,623
I mean, maybe that
Rochelle girl next door?
229
00:11:46,707 --> 00:11:48,000
The one who ate bugs?
230
00:11:48,584 --> 00:11:50,919
Roly-Poly Rochelle?
231
00:11:51,503 --> 00:11:53,297
She had the heart of an angel.
232
00:11:53,964 --> 00:11:55,257
It was me.
233
00:11:58,927 --> 00:12:00,220
No way.
234
00:12:00,721 --> 00:12:02,598
You never did anything wrong.
235
00:12:02,681 --> 00:12:04,183
You were like a Stepford child.
236
00:12:04,266 --> 00:12:06,351
I am a real person.
237
00:12:06,935 --> 00:12:08,479
A person with feelings.
238
00:12:09,062 --> 00:12:11,857
And you can only get noogied
by Brianna so many times
239
00:12:11,940 --> 00:12:14,485
before you snap
and put her Barbie bikini in the dryer.
240
00:12:14,568 --> 00:12:16,445
It was a cry for attention.
241
00:12:16,528 --> 00:12:21,575
Which failed and then cost Monica her job.
242
00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:24,661
Wow, Mallory, wow.
243
00:12:24,745 --> 00:12:25,954
Oh, yeah?
244
00:12:26,330 --> 00:12:29,041
Why don't you tell them
who was really smoking in the house?
245
00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:37,007
You were nine.
246
00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:38,884
Are you kidding me?
247
00:12:38,967 --> 00:12:40,093
Elsbeth?
248
00:12:40,177 --> 00:12:42,763
We've had this intervention before.
249
00:12:42,846 --> 00:12:44,473
Oh, they all bleed together.
250
00:12:45,182 --> 00:12:46,391
Sol, please.
251
00:12:46,475 --> 00:12:48,685
I've dreamed of walking
Coyote down the aisle
252
00:12:48,769 --> 00:12:50,604
ever since the day we adopted him.
253
00:12:50,687 --> 00:12:52,606
I can't risk missing it.
254
00:12:52,689 --> 00:12:57,110
There are no assurances
that any of us will be here in six months.
255
00:12:57,903 --> 00:12:59,154
You think I'm not scared?
256
00:13:00,072 --> 00:13:02,366
I worry-weep into my pillow at night.
257
00:13:02,449 --> 00:13:05,035
But it's just part of aging.
258
00:13:05,118 --> 00:13:06,912
Where's the fight in you, man?
259
00:13:06,995 --> 00:13:08,330
What can we do?
260
00:13:08,997 --> 00:13:10,499
We can't cheat death.
261
00:13:10,582 --> 00:13:11,416
Duh.
262
00:13:12,251 --> 00:13:16,505
But we can cheat time,
if my Avatar sequel is to be believed.
263
00:13:16,588 --> 00:13:17,923
It is not.
264
00:13:18,632 --> 00:13:22,427
Look, all we have to do is convince them
to have a summer wedding.
265
00:13:23,178 --> 00:13:27,808
Frankie, this wedding is not about you.
266
00:13:28,684 --> 00:13:31,562
It's about Coyote and Jessica.
267
00:13:32,354 --> 00:13:35,190
When you say it that way,
you make me sound selfish.
268
00:13:37,442 --> 00:13:38,652
I see your point.
269
00:13:39,236 --> 00:13:40,153
Good.
270
00:13:40,988 --> 00:13:44,741
Now wipe that "Carpe Diem" off this cake
271
00:13:44,825 --> 00:13:48,495
and let's show Allen and Jody
your normal side.
272
00:13:48,579 --> 00:13:51,915
Okay, buster,
I will drop the wedding business,
273
00:13:51,999 --> 00:13:55,544
but you have a lot of nerve
asking me to be normal.
274
00:13:56,461 --> 00:13:57,963
Is Frankie okay?
275
00:13:58,046 --> 00:13:59,339
She seems a little frantic.
276
00:13:59,423 --> 00:14:00,632
She's fine.
277
00:14:00,716 --> 00:14:03,051
She fell off a horse at Medieval Times.
278
00:14:03,135 --> 00:14:07,180
Oh, goodness.
Did she get a traumatic brain injury?
279
00:14:07,264 --> 00:14:09,182
That would explain a few things.
280
00:14:09,266 --> 00:14:10,601
No, no. I was joking.
281
00:14:11,435 --> 00:14:12,978
Oh. [chuckles nervously]
282
00:14:14,062 --> 00:14:17,357
Coyote worked at Medieval Times
for about five summers,
283
00:14:17,441 --> 00:14:18,984
two of which he can remember.
284
00:14:19,985 --> 00:14:22,446
I was the squire for the red knight.
285
00:14:22,529 --> 00:14:25,949
A fancy way of saying
"cleaned up horse poo in a cape."
286
00:14:28,327 --> 00:14:33,081
Hey, everyone.
Frankie and I wanna make a toast.
287
00:14:33,165 --> 00:14:35,459
To the new members of our family:
288
00:14:36,084 --> 00:14:41,048
Allen and Jody,
we are so honored to have you here.
289
00:14:41,131 --> 00:14:42,966
And, Jessica, you're a dream.
290
00:14:43,592 --> 00:14:46,386
And I've always wanted Allison
to have a sister.
291
00:14:46,470 --> 00:14:47,721
Score.
292
00:14:47,804 --> 00:14:51,350
So thank you for making our boy so happy.
293
00:14:52,351 --> 00:14:54,645
Think he's happy now,
should've seen him last week.
294
00:14:54,728 --> 00:14:58,607
He made a cool five G's
with a blind bet on an obese camel.
295
00:14:58,690 --> 00:15:01,443
-[clears throat]
-I think the camel was actually blind too.
296
00:15:02,569 --> 00:15:03,737
-What?
-Bud--
297
00:15:03,820 --> 00:15:06,949
But not as blind as Coyote,
who was married to a lady
298
00:15:07,032 --> 00:15:08,742
named Missy Pachangas.
299
00:15:09,451 --> 00:15:12,079
Don't worry, folks, they're divorced now.
300
00:15:12,162 --> 00:15:13,664
The camel's single too.
301
00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:16,750
You were married before?
302
00:15:16,833 --> 00:15:20,170
Don't blame yourself.
In this family, it's hard to keep up.
303
00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:23,215
Our honeymoon money
came from a camel race?
304
00:15:23,298 --> 00:15:25,801
You told me that was
a profit-sharing teacher's bonus.
305
00:15:25,884 --> 00:15:27,052
Oh, God.
306
00:15:27,678 --> 00:15:29,513
First rule of economics, kiddo:
307
00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:32,099
public schools don't give teacher bonuses.
308
00:15:32,182 --> 00:15:35,018
Okay, I screwed up.
309
00:15:35,102 --> 00:15:37,646
Why would you lie to her about that?
310
00:15:37,729 --> 00:15:40,107
Because the truth sounded bad.
311
00:15:40,190 --> 00:15:41,441
You think that sounded bad,
312
00:15:41,525 --> 00:15:44,820
you should've heard the camel
cross the finish line. [bellowing]
313
00:15:50,117 --> 00:15:52,869
Bud, stop. Shut up. Really. Shut up.
314
00:15:52,953 --> 00:15:56,623
We can laugh about this.
We just have to get over the hump.
315
00:15:56,707 --> 00:15:58,583
I think we've had enough live theater.
316
00:15:58,667 --> 00:16:01,753
Honey, I need some help yelling at you
in the other room.
317
00:16:05,424 --> 00:16:06,883
What is up with you?
318
00:16:07,718 --> 00:16:11,888
Nothing. I swear.
It's just me being stupid.
319
00:16:12,597 --> 00:16:16,518
You know, to be human is to be fallible.
320
00:16:16,601 --> 00:16:20,856
Isn't that the incredible thing
about hitching your horse
321
00:16:20,939 --> 00:16:22,816
to someone else's wagon?
322
00:16:22,899 --> 00:16:25,861
In that spirit,
I'd like to propose a toast--
323
00:16:25,944 --> 00:16:27,696
Sol, the moment has passed.
324
00:16:27,779 --> 00:16:32,200
Maybe the perfect way
to say "I'm sorry" is to say "I do."
325
00:16:32,284 --> 00:16:33,994
-Frankie--
-I'm serious.
326
00:16:34,077 --> 00:16:37,873
I could get you
a street-legal wedding today.
327
00:16:37,956 --> 00:16:42,919
Oh, Frankie, Vanilla Ice is on the phone
for you in the kitchen.
328
00:16:43,003 --> 00:16:46,506
I don't believe you,
but I can't take the risk.
329
00:16:46,590 --> 00:16:48,008
I'll be back in a jiff.
330
00:16:49,009 --> 00:16:50,260
So...
331
00:16:50,802 --> 00:16:54,181
she really did fall off a horse
at Medieval Times?
332
00:16:57,684 --> 00:17:03,065
You were chain-smoking in pigtails
and you let us accuse Monica?
333
00:17:03,148 --> 00:17:06,568
My God, child. What are you capable of?
334
00:17:06,651 --> 00:17:08,403
I was stressed.
335
00:17:09,446 --> 00:17:12,866
Hey, at least Monica got out.
We had to stay and grow up in this family.
336
00:17:12,949 --> 00:17:15,494
What was so traumatic
about your childhood?
337
00:17:15,577 --> 00:17:18,538
That I didn't let you watch Ren & Stimpy?
338
00:17:18,622 --> 00:17:21,416
Cartoons are for kids who go to recess.
339
00:17:21,500 --> 00:17:25,170
Exactly. You never let me be a kid.
340
00:17:25,253 --> 00:17:27,339
You made me carry a Lee Iacocca lunchbox.
341
00:17:27,422 --> 00:17:29,549
The only thing in it
was a Wall Street Journal.
342
00:17:29,633 --> 00:17:33,303
Oh, well, I'm so sorry
that I prioritized your education.
343
00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:38,016
Well, what about my education?
All I got was carrot sticks and lip gloss.
344
00:17:38,642 --> 00:17:41,728
I wanted everybody
to go with their strengths.
345
00:17:42,729 --> 00:17:45,107
What was your strength exactly?
346
00:17:45,190 --> 00:17:47,859
Pretending like you weren't
in a loveless marriage?
347
00:17:49,861 --> 00:17:54,199
Oh, yeah, guys, that lack of love part
was hard not to notice.
348
00:17:54,282 --> 00:17:55,325
Might have affected us.
349
00:17:55,408 --> 00:17:57,160
[Brianna]
I probably would still be smoking
350
00:17:57,244 --> 00:18:00,455
if I hadn't learned
a healthy way to redirect my anger.
351
00:18:00,539 --> 00:18:02,874
You know, outwards, toward humanity.
352
00:18:03,500 --> 00:18:07,045
Okay, look, I did the best I could.
353
00:18:08,630 --> 00:18:12,717
Maybe I gave you the wrong things,
but I tried to give you something.
354
00:18:13,510 --> 00:18:15,887
My mother didn't even notice
if I went to school.
355
00:18:15,971 --> 00:18:20,308
Didn't even notice if I came back.
Didn't notice if I snuck a drink.
356
00:18:20,392 --> 00:18:23,019
I always assumed
I'd be a better mother than she was.
357
00:18:23,103 --> 00:18:24,187
[laughs]
358
00:18:24,271 --> 00:18:26,439
I guess the bar wasn't very high.
359
00:18:27,899 --> 00:18:28,859
Gee.
360
00:18:30,110 --> 00:18:31,570
Grandma was a bitch.
361
00:18:32,279 --> 00:18:34,573
Both your grandmas.
362
00:18:39,161 --> 00:18:41,997
I hid in the closet with éclairs
363
00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:45,083
and travel magazines to avoid my mother.
364
00:18:46,376 --> 00:18:47,210
Pez?
365
00:18:47,836 --> 00:18:49,296
Vodka.
366
00:18:49,379 --> 00:18:50,255
God.
367
00:18:50,839 --> 00:18:54,634
I cannot believe
I fired a hardworking woman
368
00:18:54,718 --> 00:18:57,929
because I couldn't face
how miserable we all were.
369
00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:04,561
Oh, God, girls, I am so sorry.
370
00:19:05,187 --> 00:19:08,773
Oh, no, ew, Mom, please stop.
371
00:19:08,857 --> 00:19:11,735
Just-- It's too late for us.
Save it for Monica.
372
00:19:11,818 --> 00:19:13,862
We do owe her quite the apology.
373
00:19:13,945 --> 00:19:16,823
Yeah, but we can't ask her
to alleviate our guilt
374
00:19:16,907 --> 00:19:17,908
after all this time.
375
00:19:17,991 --> 00:19:21,036
Why don't we just out ourselves
to the vigilantes?
376
00:19:21,119 --> 00:19:23,038
Let them really go at us.
377
00:19:23,121 --> 00:19:25,498
Or do what we all know we're going to do
378
00:19:25,582 --> 00:19:27,334
and write her a fat check.
379
00:19:27,417 --> 00:19:29,502
What's the amount that says,
380
00:19:29,586 --> 00:19:33,924
"We're not asking for redemption,
but we're open to receiving it"?
381
00:19:37,344 --> 00:19:41,556
Frankie, you promised
you were going to leave this alone.
382
00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:44,684
Don't you see what's happening?
Coyote lied to her.
383
00:19:44,768 --> 00:19:47,103
That's Number 6
on our list of warning signs.
384
00:19:47,187 --> 00:19:50,023
He hasn't pulled a Coyote
since he's been sober.
385
00:19:50,106 --> 00:19:52,108
You heard. He's on edge with this wedding.
386
00:19:52,192 --> 00:19:54,527
Remember Warning Sign Number 3?
387
00:19:54,611 --> 00:19:57,364
-"Freaking out before a big event."
-Yes.
388
00:19:57,447 --> 00:19:59,532
Remember what happened in 2010?
389
00:19:59,616 --> 00:20:02,494
Lady Gaga wore a dress made out of meat.
390
00:20:02,577 --> 00:20:06,915
Yes, but it was also the year Coyote
had the longest happy streak of his life.
391
00:20:06,998 --> 00:20:10,502
He was dating that lovely girl
who smelled like cucumbers.
392
00:20:10,585 --> 00:20:13,255
She helped him get that great job
at the record label.
393
00:20:13,338 --> 00:20:17,926
And then he did too much cocaine,
even for a record label.
394
00:20:19,052 --> 00:20:23,515
Why does our beautiful boy
refuse to believe he deserves happiness?
395
00:20:23,598 --> 00:20:25,767
That's why we have to get him
to the altar.
396
00:20:25,850 --> 00:20:27,394
The sooner the better.
397
00:20:28,395 --> 00:20:29,854
If you're gonna keep doing this,
398
00:20:29,938 --> 00:20:32,107
maybe more jokes,
less insulting your family?
399
00:20:32,190 --> 00:20:33,566
It's called roasting.
400
00:20:33,650 --> 00:20:36,403
You don't roast someone
in front of their future in-laws.
401
00:20:36,486 --> 00:20:40,865
-You just made them all miserable.
-Oh, trust me, that is not true misery.
402
00:20:41,449 --> 00:20:43,118
I know because I'm a divorce lawyer.
403
00:20:43,201 --> 00:20:46,788
I deal in true misery. Day in, day out.
404
00:20:46,871 --> 00:20:48,999
And I'm trying to get out of that
405
00:20:49,082 --> 00:20:51,876
and into something
that might bring me some joy.
406
00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:54,296
This is about you
trying to get out of your job?
407
00:20:55,505 --> 00:20:57,090
Is stand-up a way to let off steam,
408
00:20:57,173 --> 00:21:00,385
or are you telling me
you're looking for a new career?
409
00:21:00,468 --> 00:21:03,346
I just want to be able
to explore something else.
410
00:21:03,930 --> 00:21:06,391
And this could be my way out.
411
00:21:06,474 --> 00:21:08,685
No more dealing with dickhead clients
412
00:21:08,768 --> 00:21:11,813
that pay me extra
to screw over their life partners.
413
00:21:13,690 --> 00:21:14,607
[groans]
414
00:21:16,818 --> 00:21:19,237
These Dementors are sucking my soul out
415
00:21:19,321 --> 00:21:22,073
through my eyeballs
with a straw made of my own innards.
416
00:21:22,741 --> 00:21:24,701
-Jesus.
-Sorry to be so graphic.
417
00:21:30,707 --> 00:21:32,167
How long have you felt this way?
418
00:21:33,168 --> 00:21:36,963
More and more lately.
Exponentially, the last few weeks.
419
00:21:38,423 --> 00:21:39,632
I'm so sorry.
420
00:21:40,759 --> 00:21:41,843
Me too.
421
00:21:41,926 --> 00:21:44,137
I just wish you would've talked to me
422
00:21:44,220 --> 00:21:47,766
before jumping 30 steps ahead
and planning a Netflix comedy special.
423
00:21:47,849 --> 00:21:50,685
Yeah, it sounds silly
when you say it out loud.
424
00:21:51,644 --> 00:21:54,606
Hey, you know I want you to be happy.
425
00:21:55,357 --> 00:21:59,152
It's just-- It's complicated
when you have a family.
426
00:22:01,780 --> 00:22:02,697
You're right.
427
00:22:04,699 --> 00:22:08,078
Maybe I just hit a wall,
and I need to work through it.
428
00:22:09,996 --> 00:22:12,749
But are you gonna be okay
with being a divorce lawyer?
429
00:22:13,917 --> 00:22:14,751
Yes.
430
00:22:18,588 --> 00:22:20,965
-I don't know what got into me.
-Mm.
431
00:22:22,008 --> 00:22:24,594
I've got you, I've got Faith.
432
00:22:24,677 --> 00:22:26,721
-I've got everything I ever wanted.
-Mm.
433
00:22:27,764 --> 00:22:30,308
-Except...
-Never gonna happen.
434
00:22:39,317 --> 00:22:41,528
Done. The Hansons just made
435
00:22:41,611 --> 00:22:45,365
a very generous donation
to Monica's campaign.
436
00:22:45,448 --> 00:22:47,534
You can't put a price
on a clear conscience.
437
00:22:47,617 --> 00:22:48,785
Wanna bet?
438
00:22:48,868 --> 00:22:50,537
You owe me $1000.
439
00:22:50,620 --> 00:22:52,247
Wait, you guys.
440
00:22:53,206 --> 00:22:55,417
It wasn't us.
441
00:22:55,959 --> 00:22:56,793
[Grace] What?
442
00:22:57,669 --> 00:22:59,796
Reddit just identified the family,
443
00:22:59,879 --> 00:23:02,424
and it's George and Henrietta Sanderson.
444
00:23:02,507 --> 00:23:05,009
-You're kidding.
-Well, how about that?
445
00:23:06,511 --> 00:23:08,221
Any chance we can get our money back?
446
00:23:08,304 --> 00:23:10,223
-Can we do that?
-No.
447
00:23:10,306 --> 00:23:11,641
Well, maybe.
448
00:23:11,724 --> 00:23:13,268
Forget it.
449
00:23:13,351 --> 00:23:16,855
We may not be the horrible family,
but we were horrible enough.
450
00:23:16,938 --> 00:23:19,691
We did all that emotional work
for nothing.
451
00:23:19,774 --> 00:23:23,027
I was bordering on introspection there
for a minute.
452
00:23:23,111 --> 00:23:25,363
But this is good news.
453
00:23:25,447 --> 00:23:27,031
We weren't the worst.
454
00:23:27,115 --> 00:23:28,324
That's something.
455
00:23:28,408 --> 00:23:31,744
Yeah, we should put it
on our family crest.
456
00:23:31,828 --> 00:23:33,663
"We weren't the worst."
457
00:23:34,497 --> 00:23:36,166
To not being the worst.
458
00:23:36,249 --> 00:23:38,460
[all] To not being the worst.
459
00:23:41,921 --> 00:23:44,674
We're just asking you
to hit the pause button.
460
00:23:45,341 --> 00:23:48,261
Five days ago you didn't even know
he was married.
461
00:23:48,344 --> 00:23:51,431
To be fair, I didn't know I was married.
462
00:23:51,514 --> 00:23:53,516
What's the harm in postponing the wedding?
463
00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:56,436
-Just for a while.
-Thank you, Allen.
464
00:23:56,519 --> 00:23:58,646
And now to Frankie, tagging in.
465
00:24:00,482 --> 00:24:03,401
I agree with you
in that we're talking about a wedding.
466
00:24:03,485 --> 00:24:06,362
But let's tie this knot ASAP.
467
00:24:06,446 --> 00:24:08,031
Frankie, I just need a minute.
468
00:24:08,114 --> 00:24:10,867
I'm not past the fact that you lied to me.
469
00:24:10,950 --> 00:24:12,702
I can explain the lie.
470
00:24:12,785 --> 00:24:16,289
Sometimes Coyote gets a little nervous
before a big event.
471
00:24:16,372 --> 00:24:18,583
Surely we can all relate to that.
472
00:24:19,250 --> 00:24:22,837
Weddings can be traumatic
for the happiest of couples.
473
00:24:22,921 --> 00:24:26,174
I threw up in a bird bath before mine.
474
00:24:26,257 --> 00:24:28,593
You can stop making excuses for me.
475
00:24:28,676 --> 00:24:30,303
I am 40 years old.
476
00:24:30,386 --> 00:24:33,097
So, what are we waiting for?
Let's get you hitched.
477
00:24:33,181 --> 00:24:34,849
Jessica is only 36.
478
00:24:34,933 --> 00:24:36,601
Allen, you're not thinking here.
479
00:24:36,684 --> 00:24:39,896
What about the things that could happen
between now and November?
480
00:24:39,979 --> 00:24:43,191
Murder hornets attack,
Cousin Debbie gets snowed in,
481
00:24:43,274 --> 00:24:44,901
Coyote goes off the rails,
482
00:24:44,984 --> 00:24:47,779
California secedes,
becomes part of Mexico.
483
00:24:47,862 --> 00:24:50,406
What do you mean I go off the rails?
484
00:24:50,490 --> 00:24:52,492
That's the one you focus on?
485
00:24:52,575 --> 00:24:54,536
It's certainly the one I'm focusing on.
486
00:24:55,411 --> 00:24:56,788
Why would you say that?
487
00:24:56,871 --> 00:24:59,165
You're just under a lot of pressure.
488
00:24:59,874 --> 00:25:03,586
In the past, you've had a tendency to...
489
00:25:03,670 --> 00:25:08,216
When things are going well,
to maybe make them go less well.
490
00:25:08,967 --> 00:25:10,093
Oh, my God.
491
00:25:11,886 --> 00:25:14,138
You think I'm gonna Coyote this.
492
00:25:14,222 --> 00:25:17,600
Not if you get married
before the murder hornets hit.
493
00:25:17,684 --> 00:25:21,604
Coyote, why did you just
use your name as a verb?
494
00:25:22,522 --> 00:25:26,859
Because that's my mother's way of saying
that she doesn't believe in me.
495
00:25:26,943 --> 00:25:28,278
In that case...
496
00:25:28,903 --> 00:25:32,073
I am going to Allen all over this wedding
497
00:25:32,156 --> 00:25:34,534
and suggest we postpone it indefinitely.
498
00:25:34,617 --> 00:25:37,495
That's really not how you use the phrase.
499
00:25:37,579 --> 00:25:41,874
I'm sorry, Jessica,
but Coyote is clearly not ready.
500
00:25:41,958 --> 00:25:44,502
No, no, no. He is ready.
501
00:25:44,586 --> 00:25:47,880
I'm just making sure he doesn't get
in the way of his own happiness.
502
00:25:49,382 --> 00:25:51,134
Wow, Mom.
503
00:25:53,052 --> 00:25:54,512
I can understand...
504
00:25:55,346 --> 00:25:57,682
you know, them doubting me. But you?
505
00:26:03,187 --> 00:26:05,982
You know, maybe I am
who you all think I am.
506
00:26:08,526 --> 00:26:09,902
Coyote.
507
00:26:17,076 --> 00:26:18,411
What have I done?
508
00:26:18,494 --> 00:26:19,954
["Last Love Song" playing]
509
00:26:20,038 --> 00:26:24,208
♪ If I'd never heard your voice ♪
510
00:26:28,379 --> 00:26:32,383
♪ If I'd never touched your hand ♪
511
00:26:36,721 --> 00:26:41,017
♪ I'd mistake love for a blade ♪
512
00:26:44,979 --> 00:26:48,191
♪ You're the reason why ♪
513
00:26:48,274 --> 00:26:50,985
♪ Love makes people sing ♪
514
00:26:52,612 --> 00:26:53,780
♪ Love you ♪
515
00:26:56,658 --> 00:26:57,909
♪ Love you ♪
516
00:26:58,826 --> 00:27:00,495
♪ Love you ♪